BEING AN EXCEPTIONAL PARENT: NINE WAYS TO NURTURE YOUR OWN SPECIAL NEEDS

By Tasnuva Sarwar Tunna, PhD

NO ONE TELLS US HOW TO BE A PARENT, LET ALONE A PARENT FOR CHILDREN WITH EXCEPTIONAL NEEDS.

Iwas on the precipice of losing myself to suicide. The darkest hours of my life entail the soul-wrenching questions: “Why me?”, “How can I raise my son when I don’t even know how to raise myself out of this pit?” I didn’t get to study Special Needs Parenting 101...did you?

We are not given a manual, and yet we are given the most complex set of parenting/parenthood puzzles in raising a child with different abilities. My journey from that to lifting my head above water and helping other moms lift theirs has taught me a few important survival tactics I am revealing to you today.

1. MINDSET MATTERS

It all starts with the right mindset.

Mindset is our cultural and societal beliefs we curate from birth onwards. The conscious part of the mind is only 10 percent, while the rest is subconscious. This part is actually the driver we don’t acknowledge. Our minds play games. We tell ourselves negative things all throughout the day. Of the 50,000 thoughts coming to us in a day, only 20 percent are positive. Eighty percent are negative, self-deprecating ones! Imagine that. We beat ourselves, we cheat ourselves, and we pretty much incapacitate ourselves from being our best just

by our negative thoughts. So, starting today, be “conscious” of your thoughts. Every time your mind starts spinning into a void of unhappy and negative thoughts, say PAUSE or STOP out loud, with a mental flashing red sign. You are the ruler of your mind; don’t let it run loose and rule you!

Just as you are what you eat, you are what you believe!

2. TRAINING YOUR EMOTIONS

Oh, God! That’s the hardest, right?

I took the longest amount of time (33 years, to be specific) to train my emotions. It is a constant work in progress. Spinning tales of what-ifs won’t take you anywhere. Trust me, I have thought 100,000 thoughts a day to try to think my way out; it didn’t work well. We can handle our emotions just like we can handle pretty much anything else. It’s like Pavlov’s dog experiment. Our brain is retrainable; scientists call this “neuroplasticity.” You can mold your brain and mind to think well. You can also think well and feel well just by telling your brain and mind to feel so. If you are saying it doesn’t work that way, then you are resisting.

For the next 28 days, take a Feel-Good Challenge. Every time you feel a negative emotion, hit pause, and focus on all the things you love and are grateful for. Gratitude journaling first thing in the morning is an awesome start to the day. Gratitude is not just saying an empty “thank you”; it works when you genuinely find things you are absolutely crazy about.

You are alive and reading. This means you have at least 10 things to be grateful for right at this moment. Start counting: One, you are a great parent. Two, your munchkin is the absolute cutest. Three…

3. DON’T EAT OR DRINK YOUR EMOTIONS

I was always slim and trim. In the late stage of being pregnant with my youngest, I started eating my way to feeling good.

Persevere such that your weakness becomes your strength, and your strength becomes your superpower!

We were new immigrants with mountains of debt and a special needs child, one low wage income from an ever-working spouse, no friends or family, and no one to take the burden off my shoulders. I ate to feel good, to find the strength to do chores, to move my battered “just gave birth body” to take care of the kids. It took me one full year to recognize I was eating to make myself feel good since no one was telling me I was doing MY best already!

It hit me like a bus after talking to many parents reluctant to take some responsibility to improve their child’s condition. The fact I didn’t harm myself or leave my kids or abuse them and was fighting to help improve their conditions while totally forgetting myself was the living proof I was doing a great job already. And that realization took away the need to eat my way out.

Find the reasons why you feel unworthy or not enough and call them out. You will almost invariably find the solution to greater emotional and mental wellbeing by identifying your emotional needs.

4. PUT ON THE O2 MASK FIRST

Without being too selfish, try to design your day in a way that you fill your cup first. Build a morning routine, waking up a little earlier and recalibrating your brain and mind for the day. Visualize how you want the day to go. Eat first, meal prep, meal plan, batch cook, do less social media scrolling, find pockets of time you waste, and utilize them in needle-moving activity. I had a client who was so stressed into wondering what she would do with her child that she wasn’t finding time to read the guidelines I provided that would help her child in the first place! YES, we all do that.

We focus too much on the problems and not enough on the solutions. This brings me to the next point.

5. FOCUS ON THE SOLUTIONS

Find, research, read. Experiment small shifts rather than accepting that special needs parenting is all gloom and doom. Ask questions and try finding answers too. Merely thinking won’t give answers. Don’t move in circles. Sit down with the problem and give that proper attention. More often we just think and think in the backend without giving the problem enough attention and focus.

Energy flows where attention goes. Seek, and ye shall find!

6. UNEARTHING LIMITING BELIEFS

Who said you can’t be an awesome parent? Auntie Jenny? Forget her. Every time you give an excuse, find the WHY behind the excuse. Feeling low on energy? You need to confront your fears to start that project. Low on money? It’s not how much you earn; it’s how you spend it. Not enough time? Organize, plan, and execute. Oprah and Beyoncé both have 24 hours. Focus on accomplishing only the most important impactful task in any given day. And execute, execute…execute! If you want to do something, you WILL find a way. If not, then you will find an excuse (or many).

7. BRING IN GAME-CHANGERS (AKA YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER)

Have a heart to heart every day, even for five minutes. Don’t utter “We need to talk”; that will blow off their brains! Ask questions, listen more, and empathize, and you will see your spouse reciprocating. When you give good energy and love to someone, they almost invariably will give it back. Your spouse is not the Almighty—they do not know all. They need clear directions. Don’t just assume they will see your need.

Discuss and come up with a Sharing Responsibility Plan.

8. ORGANIZE, DELEGATE, DELETE

A few months ago, I consciously cut myself out of a social relationship when I found it was more of a chore than a blessing. You don’t need to accept all invitations to interact if that drains you. Find like-minded people with whom to hang out. Peer pressure is never a healthy part of life. Organize your day and your responsibilities by importance.

Always ask, “Is this a needle-moving activity?” If so, then execute. If not, next please. Ask others for help. Declutter, give away, help others in need. Give love to yourself and others. If you are alone with no one, then ask for social assistance. Ask your own self. Ask God. He never fails to show up!

Engage in needle-moving activities and remove all fluff from your to-dos.

9. DON’T LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK

You are not the first or the last exceptional needs parent. Let’s not get caught up in that loop. The day I consciously determined to change the course of my life by taking responsibility for change was the best day spent in my life. Find an outlet that will help you emotionally and financially. Write a blog, do photography, learn new skills (Skillshare is great, or YouTube), plan for a vacation, start a side gig that earns something, or better yet, make that side gig into a business from home. Options are indeed endless if you give yourself permission to see them! I made this motto to help me get out of the biggest challenge of my life, and that is: “Persevere such that your weakness becomes your strength, and your strength becomes your superpower!” Making that up and sticking to all surfaces helped me start believing I have power, and it changed our lives. You can too!

You are in control of your destiny and what happens to you and your child. Own it, and you will win! I would absolutely love to hear what’s holding you back. Let’s do this together!

Tasnuva Sarwar Tunna, PhD, is an Autism Health Coach, neurodiverse herself, and an autism mom. She advocates and coaches one-on-one to anxious autism parents in helping their autism children achieve transformative improvement and developments. She is a pharmacist, published scientist, educator, and author. She cooks and absolutely loves books. You can sign up for her newsletter where she shares massive transformational resources for parents’ mental health, autism health, and wellbeing, as well as nutrition and lifestyle. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/276102687017998 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_neurodiverse_nerd/?hl=en LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-tasnuva-tunna-phd-autismhealth-coach-24a79470/ Blog: www.neurodiversenerd.com ValiantFutures.com

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