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LOVE

the

PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION

LOVE

the

PSYCHOLOGY of ATTRACTION LESLIE BECKER-PHELPS Ph.D. WITH MEGAN KAYE

Writer Megan Kaye Illustrator Keith Hagan Senior Editor Camilla Hallinan Senior Art Editor Karen Constanti Design and Illustration Assistant Laura Buscemi Senior Jacket Creative Nicola Powling Producer, Pre-Production Dragana Puvacic Senior Producer Jen Scothern Creative Technical Support Sonia Charbonnier Managing Editor Dawn Henderson Managing Art Editor Christine Keilty Art Directors Peter Luff, Maxine Pedliham Publisher Peggy Vance First American edition, 2016 Published in the United States by DK Publishing 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014

Consultant psychologist: Leslie Becker-Phelps Ph.D. Dr Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist, author, and speaker. She is a regular contributor to the Relationships blog for WebMD, as well as the Making Changes blog for Psychology Today, and is the author of Insecure in Love (2014). She lives in New Jersey, USA, where she is on the medical staff of the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital—Somerset. She also runs a private practice dedicated to helping individuals and couples feel better about themselves in all aspects of their lives.

Copyright © 2016 Dorling Kindersley Limited A Penguin Random House Company 16 17 18 19 20 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 001– 259434 – January/2016 All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under the copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. Published in Great Britain by Dorling Kindersley Limited. A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress ISBN 978 1 4654 2989 6 DK books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. For details, contact: DK Publishing Special Markets, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014 SpecialSales@dk.com Printed and bound in China All images © Dorling Kindersley Limited For further information see: www.dkimages.com

A WORLD OF IDEAS: SEE ALL THERE IS TO KNOW

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Leslie Becker-Phelps: This book was truly a collaborative project. I’m greatly appreciative of everyone’s efforts: the theorists and researchers whose work we are sharing; the many colleagues in the New Jersey Psychological Association who were always ready to share their expertise along the way; Kathy Cortese, Eileen Kennedy Moore, and Shari Kuchenbecker for their friendship and collegial support; Megan Kaye and Camilla Hallinan for their editorial expertise; and ﬁnally my husband, Mark, for his support in this and in everything that I do. The publisher would like to thank: Philip R. Shaver Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Davis, for his kind permission to include the “Love Quiz”, devised wth Cindy Hazan and ﬁrst published in the Rocky Mountain News in 1987; Rita Carter, Anna Davidson, Dr Sue Johnson, and Bob Saxton for their insightful comments during the creation of this book; Jennifer Latham for proofreading; Helen Peters for the index; Mandy Earey and Anne Fisher for design; and US editor Kate Johnsen.

CONTENTS 8

Giving up your independence? How to balance autonomy and connection

YOU

Your own worst enemy? How mental habits hinder or help

Evolution calling Why we fall in love

You deserve the best Healthy positive thinking

Secure, anxious, or avoidant What’s your style?

Extrovert or introvert? Where you draw energy from

A little help from your friends Platonic lessons in love

FOREWORD

CHAPTER 1 ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE?

Clashing expectations When insecure types get together 40

Great expectations Mental images of ourselves and other people

Thinking straight How not to talk yourself down

Let’s fall in love How susceptible are you?

Why do I never learn? The secrect of repeating patterns

Be honest with me Getting help from your loved ones

CHAPTER 2

THE SEARCH

FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU 60

On the lookout Getting out there

Hey world, I’m available! Sending out the right signals

I always go for… You and your type

We met on the bus The chance encounter

The scent of chemistry How smell works on our feelings

I like you, but... Is friendship all that’s available?

Smile please The bond of humor

Across a crowded ofﬁce The pros and cons of dating at work

Wishing on a star When you need to listen to yourself

Would like to meet... Navigating the personal ads

The ﬁve-minute mile Speed dating

Give yourself a break Coping with the lonely times

Dating on the Internet The strange world of inﬁnite choice Signing up online Creating a proﬁle

106 Everyone loves a

good listener The art of active communication

Just a click away Starting a conversation

110 Talking the talk

Getting a good conversation going

From proﬁle to person Turning a chat into a date

Keeping it safe Meeting up in comfort

Hiding in plain sight Meeting through friends

116 I’m so embarrassed

Hey, have you met…? When friends play matchmaker

118 Five acid tests

112 You don’t have to say

anything Body language tips How to keep your cool How to assess your new date 122 Emotional intelligence

Next time lucky? Dating after divorce

Who they are and why they do it

DATING 98

128 Counting the years

Picking a winner The ﬁrst date

136 Saying it with ﬂowers

Gift giving and what it means

CHAPTER 4

ESTABLISHING THE RELATIONSHIP

FROM ATTRACTION TO COMMITMENT 140 Fast track, slow track

126 Someone like you?

MAKING IT WORK

How to broach delicate subjects

What it is and why it matters 124 Spotting a serial dater

CHAPTER 3

When there’s more than one person on the horizon 134 Secrets and confessions

108 Shrinking violets

Coping with shyness 82

132 Juggling prospects

When qualities in common help, and when they don’t

Getting the pace right for you 142 Know your boundaries

How to keep your limits healthy 144 Nipping it in the bud

How to stop a small problem turning into a big one

Do age gaps really matter? 146 Off to bed—or not

100 Looking the part

How to put your best face forward

130 Worth a second date?

Who should you see again?

Passing that major threshold 148 Driving you crazy

102 It’s going to be ﬁne

Conﬁdence-building exercises

The power of the unreliable 150 Reluctant ﬁre

The power of excitement 104 Stress-free ﬁrst dates

Where’s the best place to start?

152 Is this love or lust?

Listening to your hormones

CHAPTER 5

TOGETHER

ON THE ROAD TO LASTING LOVE 184 Are we going to last?

What your conversations predict 156 Spotting real danger

Warning signs of an abuser

186 Staying connected

208 Trying for a baby

Keeping it fun when things get serious 210 Baby on the way

Staying sexual during pregnancy 212 A united front

How to share parenting without going crazy

Little exercises in happiness 214 Parents’ date night

158 If the F word is “family”

The delicate issue of children 160 A ready-made family

188 The power of

vulnerability Taking a risk on true understanding

Dating with children

Having some fun in the few spare moments 216 See you at sex o’clock

Making time for sex 192 You bring out the

162 Overlapping your circles

Meeting each other’s friends 164 But I miss you so

How much time together is right?

best in me The Michelangelo effect two wholes? How to avoid getting stuck in stereotypes 196 The worst ideas of all

What you really must avoid 170 The L word

Talking about love 172 Here’s your key

198 Arguing like grown-ups

How to communicate, not manipulate

Moving in together 200 A good clean ﬁght 174 I’ll call you every night

Managing a long distance relationship 176 Semi-happy endings

How to argue and move on 202 Stop hogging

the covers! Sharing a bed

Finishing things cleanly 204 Career pressures 178 Do you or don’t you?

Time to talk about marriage 180 Popping the question

The art of the proposal

Burning long and burning bright

194 Two halves, or

166 So are we a couple now?

The transition to commitment

218 Keeping the spark

Maintaining equality in a confusing world 206 The child-free life

Choosing not to have children

220 INDEX

FOREWORD E

veryone yearns for that magical feeling of being in love. But falling for someone is just the start: what we need most is an emotionally nourishing, caring relationship. That’s what we dream of, deep down—not just a partner, but a soul mate. Sometimes, if we’ve been single for a long time, we can start to wonder whether we should just give up—we may even feel embarrassed for wanting romance as much as we do. If you’ve ever felt that way, I want you to know that by yearning for a relationship, you’re simply feeling the way that nature intended. The science suggests that we’re born to be social creatures, deeply connected to those around us. As children, we bond passionately with our parents or caregivers; as adults, that need matures and transforms. We become filled with the desire for romantic love. Love may not always be easy to find, but it is literally the most natural thing in the world to want. More than twenty years as a therapist have confirmed for me a simple insight: that when we can give and receive love whole-heartedly, we are at our strongest. The psychological community as a whole is finding more and more empirical evidence—from decades of indepth studies to the latest brain imaging techniques—that we are biologically predisposed to yearn for that connection. The more that researchers discover, the more we learn about how two people become attracted and how we can seek, find, and keep that love in ways that help both us and our beloveds to thrive. In my work as a psychologist, I help people to understand how their life experiences, from early childhood up to the present day, can shape their expectations, their subconscious habits, and their relationships with others—and how, if those patterns are leading them away from the happiness they deserve, they can change them for the better. Love: the Psychology of Attraction will help you make a similar journey. Every page is created to be as accessible as possible, with step-by-step advice, simple exercises, and scientific features revealing key studies and experiments. Rather than having to wade through dense psychology papers, you can read the findings of my colleagues in a style that’s easy on the eyes and the brain: the science is both fascinating and encouraging for anyone who is searching for love.

This book takes you through the process of finding love. You’ll begin with the most fundamental part of finding a relationship, and also the most often overlooked: your relationship with yourself. You, after all, are what you’ll be bringing to the relationship, and the science suggests that those of us who can get our own psyches in good order are the most likely to have the happiest relationships. After this, the book then goes through the stages of searching for a partner: meeting new people, how to identify a great prospect and how to spot a waste of time, and how to steer a safe, sane course through the choppy waters of the dating scene. You’ll also learn about the psychology of establishing and maintaining a solid relationship in the long term. Having just picked up this book, it’s likely that you’re fairly early in this process, but do read the later chapters: if a solid long-term relationship is what you’re aiming for, knowing what you want equips you to weed out those who don’t want or can’t offer it. To be clear: love is your biological foundation—your ancestral legacy. It’s love that makes us human, and it’s love that keeps us alive as a species. Some of us are luckier in finding it than others, but if luck hasn’t been running your way, a bit of knowledge might just be what you need to give it a push in the right direction. A book can’t conjure up Mr. or Ms. Right, but what it can do is build your confidence, your psychological health, and your positive habits. It can help you to nurture a greater capacity to give and receive love, and send you into the dating scene as a newly informed expert. The world is full of people who want love, and one of them might just be right for you.

Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D.

CHAPTER 1

YOU ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE?

CHAPTER 1: YOU

EVOLUTION CALLING WHY WE FALL IN LOVE

hat kind of relationships did humans evolve for? Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution talks of “survival of the ﬁttest,” but “ﬁtness,” in Darwin’s terms, doesn’t mean the strongest, the fastest, or the best. It means the best adapted to their particular environment. If there’s nothing to eat but bamboo leaves, a speedy Kung Fu panda running around wasting energy is less likely to survive than the slow one that sits tight and makes those meals count. So what, in human terms, are we best adapted to, and why do we long for love?

It is in our nature to nurture and be nurtured. Bruce Perry Psychiatrist

Sometimes the longing for a partner can be so strong it seems irrational. If we look at what human beings are evolved to be, though, that longing makes perfect sense: we became what we are through love.

Born to connect The ﬁrst and foremost of all our human survival skills is sustaining relationships. Some animals are ready to run within minutes of being born. We humans are born helpless, and need care from a parent ﬁgure to survive our early years. But babies are demanding and exhausting, as any mother can tell you, and a mother needs motivation if she’s going to do the work. The reward for all that toil is love. As John Bowlby, the British psychologist, psychoanalyst, and father of attachment theory (which we’ll look at on page 16), put it in 1957: “Babies’ smiles are powerful things, leaving mothers spellbound and enslaved. Who can doubt that the baby who most readily rewards his mother with a smile is the one who is best loved and best cared for?”

EVOLUTION CALLING

Only ﬁve percent of mammals (including humans) form monogamous pair bonds.

2,500 It’s 2,500 years since the earliest recorded marriage contract.

2.5 million We’ve been through 2.5 million years of human evolution since our ﬁrst hominid ancestors.

Our brain size has tripled since the ﬁrst hominids, to cope with communication, tool use, and love.

Well-nurtured babies ﬂourish, but lack of nurture is harmful, even when we’re clean and fed. A study in the 1940s, for instance, found that more than a third of children raised in an orphanage died before their second birthday—not from starvation or

exposure, but from a fundamental failure to thrive, the lack of growth associated with limited snuggling, play, and attention. From childhood to romance What does all this have to do with romantic love? The answer is simple: we may grow out of babyhood, but we never lose our innate need for connection. We simply transfer our attachment from our primary caretaker to a new base, if we can find one—and for most of us, that’s a romantic partner. Falling in love, along with becoming a parent, are the two major neuromodulators of life, literally reshaping our brains. Just as a nurturing parent can make a contented baby, so a healthy, loving, romantic relationship can make us happier, more confident, and even— as we’ll see later—more independent. The evolution of love In nature, only about five percent of mammals are monogamous. The rest scatter their genes as widely as possible. Even our closest relations, chimps, are aggressive, promiscuous, and rather sexist—the males leave all the infant-rearing to the females. There is a difference, though: the human brain has, in the last two-anda-half million years, tripled in size. To deal with our increasingly complex societies, communication, and tools—and to find and keep love— we’ve had to get smarter since the earliest, cave-dwelling huntergatherers. Big brains mean big heads, and human babies are born very early by mammalian standards: a baby giraffe is able to walk a few minutes after birth, while human babies are pretty much helpless. Caring for such a charge is a big job: babies take work. Some scientists even argue that we rose from knuckle-walking primates to bipedal humans so that our men

could free up their arms to carry provisions for the young ones. Infants with bonded parents survived to have infants of their own. Not all humans are monogamous, of course, but even open marriages tend to depend on a central, primary bond: we need to work together to survive. We’re a social species because nothing but a deep bond of love keeps us together when we need it most—back in our own infancy, and way back in the infancy of the human species. Of course, we can be emotionally healthy without a relationship—in fact, being able to cope alone is one of the best markers of a stable emotional life—but there’s nothing irrational about wanting one. Biologically speaking, we are all created for love.

DO LOVE AND MARRIAGE GO TOGETHER? Our ideas of romance and relationships haven’t always overlapped. The oldest marriage document in the world is 2,500 years old, and records a 14-year-old girl in Egypt being traded as a bride in exchange for six cows. Meanwhile, the Ancient Greeks had at least four different words for love, none of which covered romance: agape, for spiritual love; eros, physical desire; philia, fond regard; and storge, family affection. The concept of romantic love ﬁrst appears in medieval tales of chivalry and courtly love, which later gave rise to the novel. Only in modern psychology have we made the link between our earliest childhood experiences and our longing for romance.

WE ARE NOT ALONE, BUT ARE

BIOLOGICALLY WIRED AND

EVOLUTIONARILY DESIGNED TO BE DEEPLY

CONNECTED TO ONE ANOTHER MARCO IACOBONI, PROFESSOR OF PSYCHIATRY AND BEHAVIORAL SCIENCES, UCLA

CHAPTER 1: YOU

SECURE, ANXIOUS, OR AVOIDANT

WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?

We learn early in life what to expect from other people, and those expectations continue to shape our actions when it comes to love. Seen through the lens of psychology’s attachment theory, a lot of seemingly strange behavior becomes clear.

ttachment theory was pioneered in the wake of World War II by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, whose lonely childhood gave him a lifelong interest in the power of parenthood. Working with juvenile delinquents, Jewish Kindertransport children, and child evacuees handed over to the care of strangers, he grew convinced that a secure bond between parent and child was far more critical to psychological health than anyone had suspected. The “Strange Situation” test In the 1970s, Bowlby's student Mary Ainsworth performed the “Strange Situation” test. A child aged 12 to 18 months was put in a toy-filled room with their mother and given a chance to play. A stranger entered and interacted with the parent and child, then Mom exited the room—leaving behind the stranger and a confused and alarmed little kid. A few minutes later, she came back and comforted her toddler. Being separated from the person who feeds, protects, and tends you is frightening for any toddler, but the test showed definite categories of reaction to that fear. “Secure” children explored confidently, using Mom as a secure base, cried when she was gone, but were quickly reassured when she returned. “Anxious” children did not explore much even with their mother present, cried bitterly when Mom went away, and took a long time to calm down. “Avoidant” children explored confidently and seemed indifferent to Mom, but showed just as agitated a heart rate when she left. What was the difference between these children? Ainsworth’s studies suggested that they had, at age one, already learned what to expect from their parents. As a general rule, they had different expectations of whether the world, largely represented at that young age by their mothers, would meet their needs.

SECURE, ANXIOUS, OR AVOIDANT

EARLY ATTACHMENT Developed by his student Mary Ainsworth, whose ﬁndings are shown in the chart below, John Bowlby’s attachment theory became the foundation of what we now believe about how people relate to others and, in many ways, to themselves.

Parenting style

Attachment style

Child’s baseline emotional state

Child’s expectations of life

Secure

Warm, attentive, relatively consistent, and quick to respond

Happy, conﬁdent, and curious

“My needs will be met.”

Anxious

Inconsistent: sometimes responsive and sometimes not

Insecure, anxious, and intensely emotional

“If I act in the right ways, I might earn love and my needs may be met.”

Distant and cold, or harsh and critical

Emotionally shut down

“I can’t trust anyone to meet my needs. I must meet my own needs.”

(Ainsworth called this style “ambivalent/resistant”)

Avoidant

The love quiz In 1985 the Rocky Mountain News in Denver, Colorado, asked its readers to choose one of three statements: I ﬁnd it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.

I ﬁnd that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often

In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver reported the results of their love quiz: 56 percent of adult respondents had identiﬁed themselves as secure, 19 percent as anxious, and 25 percent as avoidant.

worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

This test was designed by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver to see whether the childhood expectations identiﬁed in Bowlby and Ainsworth's attachment theory also carried over into adulthood. The results conﬁrmed that those expectations do indeed persist. Once you understand which of the attachment styles sounds most like you—secure, anxious, or avoidant— then you are well on your way to understanding your romantic needs. To assess your attachment style, take a look at the chart on the next page.

56% 19% 25% SECURE

ANXIOUS

AVOIDANT

CHAPTER 1: YOU

Which are you? Estimates for how many of us display each attachment style have been revised over the course of many studies since the “love quiz” in 1987: various percentages are cited today, including the ones shown here, but it’s impossible to get definitive figures. “Secure,” “anxious,” and “avoidant” aren’t rigid boxes, more a sliding scale encompassing many different personality types—two people with the same style can be complete opposites in everything else! As broad groups, however, attachment styles are a useful way to look at love, since our styles— our needs—govern our relationships. It’s also worth noting that a minority of people can show both anxious and avoidant qualities—often because they’ve had very bad experiences in the past, especially in childhood. If that sounds like you, it can be helpful to learn about both styles. It’s a painful combination, so you may also want to consider seeking professional help from a supportive therapist. The perfect combination Secure people tend to have the most secure relationships, and a relationship needs only one secure partner to get that stability. With a partner who is happy to give reassurance and isn’t threatened by the idea of being needed, an anxious person can relax, and is often loyal and loving. With someone who doesn’t take it personally when their partner wants time alone, avoidant people can worry less about being tied down—however, most of the compromises in the relationship will likely be made by the secure partner. The real problem comes when two insecure types get together, as you’ll see on pages 20–21. If relationships often get messy for you, learning to recognize attachment styles and understanding how they clash can give you a path through the conflict.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE Approximate percentage of the US population (3–5 percent are “fearful avoidant”)

When a relationship is under stress

What you are hypervigilant for

50%

I want to solve the problem. I can get upset, but I try to communicate clearly. If we’re ﬁghting, I try to stay on the subject rather than making it a ﬁght about the whole relationship.

I’m not really the hypervigilant type, or at least not when it comes to relationship issues.

I get upset and do things I probably shouldn’t, such as phoning all day, sulking, or making accusations.

Possible signs of rejection.

SECURE

20% ANXIOUS

25% AVOIDANT

(Psychologists call this protest behavior: you really want to be reassured, but you don’t often have the conﬁdence to ask straight out.) I tend to shut down emotionally to avoid dealing with it, but in my mind I run my partner down. (This is known as deactivating your emotions: if you devalue your partner, losing them looks less scary.)

Possible signs of being “tied down” in a relationship, or of having too much demanded of me.

To check which of the three main attachment styles below most resembles yours, read each row and see if the scenarios it describes sound familiar:

SECURE, ANXIOUS, OR AVOIDANT

How you feel about emotional intimacy

How you view your partner’s feelings

When apart from your partner

Who drives the relationship

Your reaction after a breakup

Of course I want to be close with my partner— that’s how relationships work—but I also like to have space for following my own interests.

My responsibility is to support and nurture, just as he/she should feel responsible for my feelings. We’re a team here.

I may miss him/ her, but I know the relationship is safe and I can concentrate ﬁne on other matters.

It’s not really an issue: we each get our way some of the time, and try to work things out to our mutual satisfaction.

I grieve for a while, then seek a new relationship. After all, I deserve to be loved.

I really want to be close, but showing my neediness will probably drive people away.

Most of all, I want them to feel love for me. I’m fearful that they'll lose interest in me as soon as my performance falters. I can be very supportive if feeling conﬁdent, but I still need regular reassurance that they love me or else I’ll worry that they don't.

I worry that they’ll forget me or ﬁnd someone else; I can get very distracted if the worry escalates, although often small, timely gestures such as a quick text message can get me back on track.

How a relationship goes is mostly up to my partner. If I lose them, I feel I’ll never ﬁnd someone else who wants me.

I cling to the remnants of a ﬁnished relationship after I should have gotten over it. I tend to blame myself and can need a long time to recover.

I don’t want to be hassled—I need my space.

My partner’s feelings are their problem. Everyone should be able to stand on their own two feet, and it repulses me if they try to load their neediness onto me. I don’t like a lot of drama.

I often experience feelings for my partner most deeply when we’re apart. But when we’re together again, their faults can irritate me. My fear of intimacy and being let down returns.

Try to control me and I’m gone.

I put it out of my mind and move on as fast as possible.

(In fact, avoidants do still need love, like everyone else, but their mistrust means a strong need for feelings of independence.)

(An avoidant type often sees control as an either/or— either one person has the control or the other does— and may use confusion or mixed signals to keep the upper hand.)

(Sometimes, though, avoidants idealize a lost ex— not because the ex was perfect, but because it helps deactivate feelings for a new partner.)

CHAPTER 1: YOU

CLASHING EXPECTATIONS WHEN INSECURE TYPES GET TOGETHER

When two anxious people fall in love The relationship may be close, even passionate, but there’s likely to be a lot of conﬂict when both partners protest (see page 18) instead of communicating their feelings directly. Fights can escalate with neither partner understanding why. If the relationship lasts, it’ll always be volatile; if it ends, it’s likely to end in mutual recrimination and confusion. When two avoidants fall in love This pairing isn’t very common in long-term relationships: with neither party seeking to grow close, the couple can just drift apart. If they do stay together, it can become more a marriage of convenience than a true partnership—possibly with mutual inﬁdelities and decreasing respect for the other, and probably with both partners getting most of their

WHEN NICE GIRLS FALL FOR BAD BOYS

It’s generally acknowledged that relationships do best when at least one partner has a secure attachment style. But what if neither does? Understanding the challenge of insecure styles—anxious or avoidant— can help you to avoid certain pitfalls.

Remember Bridget Jones and her diary? One reason for the story's huge success is that it is an accurate portrait of the three attachment styles and how they bounce off each other. A lot of chick lit stories can be read as “Nice girl falls for bad boy then finds good man,” but a more psychological way of putting it would be “Anxious person falls for avoidant person, then finds happiness with secure person.” (If you’ve read the book or seen the movie, you’ll know Bridget panics over nothing and does silly things as a result: that’s hypervigilance and protest in action.) For all the anxious people out there, finding a secure partner is probably the happy ending you’re looking for.

CLASHING EXPECTATIONS emotional satisfaction elsewhere. Avoidant people need connection, even if they aren’t comfortable with the idea, and another avoidant probably won’t provide it. The anxiousavoidant trap This is probably the most disastrous combination of all, yet one of the most common. A person who feels unworthy and weaker and a person who needs to feel independent and stronger can reinforce each other's self-images and get stuck in an endless cycle of highs and lows. It’s the anxious person who generally comes off worse, because it’s far easier to withhold intimacy than it is to compel it, and these relationships can damage an anxious person’s selfesteem for years (see pages 148–149). In either case, your best bet is generally to look for a person who is secure, or at the secure end of the spectrum if they are anxious or avoidant. If you are secure yourself, you may be able to ﬁnd love with an anxious or avoidant person—though if you want intimacy, anxious is probably a better bet than avoidant— but if you’re insecure, remember that your needs are your needs whatever they are, and you have a right to a partner who takes them seriously. Gender stereotypes? A lot of self-help advice in popular culture assumes that anxious is the natural style for women and that avoidant is the natural style for men. If you’ve read John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, you may remember his rubber band simile, arguing that men need to draw away to feel themselves pulled back to their partners—a vivid

IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT When clashing attachment styles get together, it can be hard for them to see each other’s needs as legitimate: when your needs are so different from your partner’s, sometimes it feels as if one of you must be crazy, and probably you’d rather it was them. A secure partner will likely perceive your needs more positively, so they may use different words to describe them. Which would you rather someone called you?

ANXIOUS An avoidant partner calls it…

A secure partner calls it…

■

Clingy

✔ Affectionate

■

Needy

✔ Worried

■

Melodramatic

✔ Upset

■

Demanding

✔ Companionable

■

Commitment-obsessed

✔ Loyal

AVOIDANT An anxious partner calls it…

A secure partner calls it…

■

Distant

✔ Private

■

Confusing

✔ Cautious

■

Selﬁsh

✔ Self-sufﬁcient

■

Mean

✔ Conﬂicted

■

Commitment-phobic

✔ Independent

description of how avoidant people work. In reality, though, there are plenty of anxious men and avoidant women out there. If you don’t understand how the attachment system works, it’s easy to think you’re being either clingy or selﬁsh. Describing yourself as a typical woman or man helps allay the embarrassment: if it’s typical for your gender, it’s not your fault, right?

Actually, the explanation is more likely to lie in your attachment system than your gender. With a more secure partner, both anxious and avoidant people can have fulﬁlling relationships, no matter what sex they are. The important thing to remember is this: neither sex has a monopoly on difﬁcult childhoods or bad experiences, and whatever your sex, secure people outnumber avoidants two to one.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

GREAT EXPECTATIONS MENTAL IMAGES OF OURSELVES AND OTHER PEOPLE Early in life we start to form our ideas about what people are like, including ourselves. Those mental templates shape our romantic expectations—and, consequently, our romantic experiences.

ociety is a big place and we need some kind of mental map to navigate it, which is why we are evolved to absorb and learn from birth. From observing our parents and others around us, we start to draw conclusions about what we can expect of people. In effect, we make two mental models, one labeled “What am I like?” and the other “What are other people like?” Social psychologists Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz related these models to attachment theory in the 1990s, in a four-category model of attachment (see opposite). When your needs are met A person who grows up in a nurturing environment is going to have some positive models of themselves and of others. When your needs are generally met, you start to feel you must be a worthwhile person because that’s how you’re being treated. Meanwhile, other people are reliable and kind, and your inner picture of humanity has a

…early attachment relations come to form a prototype for later relationships outside the family. Kim Bartholomew and Leonard M. Horowitz in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

positive glow to it; when you have a negative experience, you ﬁnd ways to smooth over it. You carry that glow through childhood and into your relationships as an adult. When your needs aren’t met If the people responsible for you don’t meet your emotional needs well enough, you’re going to develop a negative perception of yourself. You sense “there must be something

wrong with me.” You then feel you must overcome your personal faults to earn the love and acceptance of others. The conclusion you draw is that other people are more important and more powerful than you. Your model of “self” is negative, but your model of “other” is positive. That makes for anxiety in relationships: if you feel inferior to other people, it’s hard to feel you deserve their love. A person who feels attacked or whose needs aren’t acknowledged, let alone met, loses their trust in people: “I’ve got to take care of myself, I can’t rely on anyone else.” Once What am I like? you’ve sealed yourself off from disappointment, who needs other people? Feeling you can trust yourself, your model of “self” is positive, but your model of “other” is negative. Emotional intimacy is risky, and to be avoided, because it means shackling your trustworthy self to an untrustworthy other. Really bad experiences can make us write off ourselves and others. If you suffered serious abuse in your childhood, for example, it’s not unusual to grow up feeling bad about

GREAT EXPECTATIONS YOUR MENTAL MAP

MODEL OF SELF: worthy of love (low anxiety)

In this model of attachment—which includes fearful as a fourth style— our expectations of ourselves and other people can create different attachment styles that shape how we relate to our partners.

SECURE Comfortable with intimacy, doesn’t obsess about relationships

AVOIDANT Uncomfortable with intimacy, feels a strong need for independence

MODEL OF OTHER: emotionally unavailable (high avoidance)

MODEL OF OTHER: emotionally available (low avoidance)

ANXIOUS Worried about rejection, feels needy

What are other people like? yourself and scared to trust anyone else. Many abuse survivors go on to have happy and fulﬁlling relationships, so a hard start in life doesn’t necessarily lead to singledom: your ﬁrst step is probably to seek out a trustworthy therapist who can help you work on healing your wounds. You should always pursue therapy for your own sake—do it because you

FEARFUL Emotionally fragile, fears rejection, and is unable to trust other people

MODEL OF SELF: unworthy of love (high anxiety)

deserve to feel good about yourself— and you may also ﬁnd that addressing past trauma can make you far better able to create future happiness. Feeling better With work and patience, we can adjust our models for a kinder view of life. Some of us start out doubting we’re worthy of being loved; some of us doubt whether other people can be trusted not to hurt us if we do give

them our hearts. Self-afﬁrmation (see pages 34–35) and self-compassion (on pages 54–57) can help you tackle those fears, as can CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (coming up next). The starting point, of course, is to know just what we’re afraid of: when we are able to understand our expectations, a lot of problems look less overwhelming—including the tricky business of ﬁnding and creating love.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

THINKING STRAIGHT HOW NOT TO TALK YOURSELF DOWN Do you ever ﬁnd you’re thinking yourself into a pit of despair? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a straightforward way to identify how you tend to get into that pit—and then think yourself back out again. THE NEGATIVITY TRAP Thoughts, feelings, and behavior are all intertwined, and can end up sending you around in a circle, as shown below. Following the CBT model, you can break the cycle by ﬁrst tackling the negative thought.

Thoughts “I’m so unattractive.”

ognitive Behavioral Therapy is a popular form of treatment for anxiety that proposes that our thought patterns keep us trapped in cycles of stress and worry. The theory goes like this: we begin with a negative thought. The negative thought causes painful feelings, which in turn affect how we act and think. The solution, by this logic, is to tackle the problem at the source and challenge the upsetting thoughts before they make us feel worse. The way to challenge the negativity trap is to try to find any cognitive distortions in it. CBT identifies ten, listed oppposite. If you find yourself thinking your way into the blues, try the following exercise: ■

Behavior Staying home, wearing unﬂattering clothes, not ﬂirting

Feelings Inadequate, sad, ashamed

■

Sensations: Listless, vulnerable.

■

What’s the thought or the belief that’s bothering me? How strongly—what percentage— do I believe that it’s true? Are there any cognitive distortions going on here? Could there be another, more positive, interpretation of events? What's the percentage now?

Remember, you don’t need to get the percentage down to zero; reducing it by a little can build up, over time, to a happier way of thinking.

THINKING STRAIGHT

ARE YOU PRONE TO ANY OF THESE COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS? Distortion

Description

Example

All-or-nothing thinking

Thinking in black and white terms: if you’re not perfect, you’re a total loser.

“Nobody’s going to ﬁnd me attractive with this huge nose of mine.”

Overgeneralizing

Drawing a wider conclusion from limited or insufﬁcient information.

“He forgot to call me—I knew he didn't care about me.”

Mental ﬁlter

Screening out the good things so that only the bad stick in your mind.

“She made dinner while I did my taxes, but if she loved me she’d have helped me complete this.”

Disqualifying the positive

Explaining away your own good points or positive experiences.

“He said I have lovely eyes, but people only praise your eyes when your face is plain.”

Jumping to conclusions

“Mind reading” (e.g., assuming that others are thinking ill of you) and “fortune telling”’ (e.g., predicting disaster as if it were a certainty).

“I was late for our date—she must think I’m an idiot who can’t catch a train. She’s going to dump me, I know it.”

Magniﬁcation (or catastrophizing) and minimization

Blowing bad things out of proportion and predicting disaster and/or underrating the importance of good things.

“I can’t believe he forgot that book I asked to borrow. He’s never going to keep his promises to me!”

Emotional reasoning

Drawing a conclusion that things are bad because you feel bad.

“I feel so unattractive. Nobody will ever want me.”

“Should” statements

Beating up on yourself—and others—with unnecessarily prescriptive demands.

“If this relationship was working, we should be planning a vacation together by now.”

Labeling and mislabeling

Applying highly loaded labels to yourself and others.

“It’s been so long since I had a date—I’m just undatable.”

Personalization

Thinking that a negative event must have been caused by you somehow.

“He’s put off our date until tomorrow—I must look too needy.”

CHAPTER 1: YOU

LET’S FALL IN LOVE HOW SUSCEPTIBLE ARE YOU? Why do some of us fall in love quickly and some of us never quite feel we have fallen in love? The answer may lie in our past attachments: our own attitudes can be as important as meeting the right person.

WHICH OF THESE SOUNDS LIKE YOU? When I meet someone attractive, I ﬁrst think about: A Whether they’ll be interested in me, and reasons they might not be. B Whether they're up for some fun. C Whether we’ll get along with each other. On a date, I watch for: A Signs that I might be putting my date off. B Signs that my date wants to get too serious. C Signs that my date will treat me nicely. In a relationship, I usually: A Feel like the one who loves more. B Feel under pressure to commit. C Feel like we’re in a partnership. If we hit a rough patch, I will: A Worry that no one else will want me if this ends.

B Decide to cut it short—why bother? C Try to make it work—but if the relationship has to end, so be it. If I’m single for a while, I: A Worry that I’ll be alone forever, and might date someone just to reassure myself. B Enjoy the freedom, and enjoy having fun. C Try to enjoy life—it’s better to wait than be with the wrong person. Mostly A: You have elements of anxious attachment style. Mostly B: You have elements of avoidant attachment style. Mostly C: You have elements of secure attachment style. Most of us are a mixture, but our fears may be caused by our predominant attachment style—not by our being undesirable or others being unworthy!

e all know people who never stay single for long and who feel each new relationship is true love at last. We all know people, too, who date partner after partner, many of whom seem lovely but never quite capture their heart. Maybe we’re even that person ourselves. Why do some people fall in love so easily while others don’t? What’s going on? While it may be that some people have a knack for ﬂirting and attract a wider choice of partners, even the most sought after person dating the most charming suitor doesn’t necessarily fall in love right away. The explanation may lie in our image of ourselves and others. If we’re anxious, we tend to feel inadequate and hungry for love, which can make us hasty. If we assume everyone is too good for us, we’re less likely to look at a partner critically before giving them our hearts. Anxious people fall in love quickly—not always wrong if their partner is a great person, but if there’s an incompatibility, heartache may follow. If you’re anxious, you need to be sure you have emotional intimacy and trust as well as passion, to avoid mistaking excitement for love.

LET’S FALL IN LOVE

STERNBERG’S TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

Passion on its own = Infatuation (hot)

Dreaming of perfection If we’re avoidant, deep down we’re scared of getting hurt and so we make a habit of keeping our feelings on lockdown for safety’s sake. Avoidant people may not consider themselves unromantic: on the contrary, many avoidants dream of “the one,” the perfect ideal they’re holding out for. It’s not unusual, either, for avoidants to remain in love with an ex-partner, longing for a lost love. Both of these can be

Intimacy on its own = Liking (warm)

y+ t= ac im en ip Int mitm onsh m ni Co mpa Co

Pa s = R sion om + I an ntim tic lov acy e

Psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests that love is made up of three components: passion, closeness (which he calls intimacy), and commitment. If you are avoidant, you may be trying to steer clear of commitment as well as intimacy, but if you’re anxious, you may jump to commit before you’re truly intimate. Where on the triangle do you usually fall, and what kind of love are you looking for?

All three combined = Consummate, or complete, love

Passion + Commitment = Fatuous love, lacking stability and a developed sense of connection or intimacy deactivating strategies: if only the perfect “one” will do, it’s easier to stay invulnerable around an imperfect partner—that is, any real person who might get close to you and possibly hurt you. The lost love can have the same effect: probably during the relationship you were keenly aware of their faults—they weren’t the perfect “one” either, since no one is perfect— and you can only focus on their good points now they’re gone. Avoidants may really want love, but also want

Commitment on its own = Empty love (cold)

to avoid dealing with a real person's ﬂaws and needs, and stick to the safety of fantasy instead. Real love can take time, and ﬂourishes best in a secure relationship. The best way to help yourself is to try to be clear about which feelings are being caused by other people and which are caused by your own anxieties—no easy task, but well worth it. To get that clarity, start by taking the quiz opposite; do any of these habits sound familiar?

CHAPTER 1: YOU

WHY DO I NEVER LEARN? THE SECRET OF REPEATING PATTERNS

n the 1980s, therapist Harville Hendrix proposed the Imago theory: we are driven by the need to develop ourselves as human beings, and our subconscious images about our primary caregivers in childhood steer us toward partners who could help us develop. The early experiences we have in life may be supportive or neglectful, forgiving or punitive; no one is perfect, not even our caregivers, and by the time we reach the age of romance, most of us are carrying a few unresolved issues. How many people do you know who keep getting involved with the same kind of unsuitable person—the woman who is attracted to men like her father, even if he was a bully, or the man who can’t seem to take an interest in anyone who’s interested in him? Could you be one of those people yourself? We all want to be happy, so choosing people who make us unhappy seems odd. Imago theory argues that our repeating patterns are an attempt to be happy—but in a slightly unexpected way. Healing old wounds No one gets to adulthood without taking some knocks along the way, and deep down we want to heal those bruises. Imago therapist Bruce Crapuchettes suggests, “We are

Do you keep swearing you’ll never make the same mistake, only to ﬁnd that the next relationship has the same problems as the last one? Then it’s worth examining your needs and your choices.

We’re born into relationship, and it’s in relationship that we ﬁnd healing and growth and potential. Bruce Crapuchettes Imago therapist

WHY DO I NEVER LEARN? drawn to someone who’s going to trigger our unfinished business … because of this urge inside to grow and maximize potential.” So we unconsciously choose partners who remind us of past experiences and who therefore—we hope—offer us the chance to heal old wounds. The problem comes if we try to resolve unfinished business by changing our partner rather than by understanding the issues they trigger and asking for their support. If, for example, you fear abandonment, you may feel anxious when your partner goes out with their friends. You can’t keep them home every night, but if you say clearly that you feel insecure and want to be reassured, they look forward to coming back to you, that can help both of you. Finding new safety If you keep making the same mistakes, what do they have in common? In past relationships that have gone wrong, what wound might you have been trying to heal? While searching for love, remember that a romantic relationship isn’t the only way to heal ourselves: we can also work on feeling better about ourselves (see pages 54–57). By separating the wish for a partner and the need to heal, you can feel less hurried as you seek new partners. Addressing old insecurities has to be mutual, so we need a partner who is willing to work with us. If you find someone who’ll collaborate on mutual healing, you may find that old mistakes turn into new confidence. Never forget that if you present your needs constructively, you have the right to a partner who supports them. If you find yourself trying to fix a partner rather than communicate with them, try the three keys shown on the right, and see if these make the conversation go any better.

THREE KEYS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION For you or your partner to help the other to heal old wounds, there are three keys to a constructive discussion of needs: Mirroring Repeat back what your partner says to be sure you’ve understood, and make it clear to them that you’re taking what they say on board.

It annoys me when you don’t call—it makes me feel like you’ve forgotten I exist.

So, when I don't call, you get annoyed that I’ve forgotten you?

Validation Acknowledge their right to their feelings. You don’t have to agree with their opinion—they may be worried about something illogical—but their feelings are real to them. Show you accept that.

Stop leaving the milk out, it drives me crazy! I feel like I’m surrounded by chaos.

I can see how having things lying around feels chaotic. I don’t want to make you feel that way.

Empathy Try to see it from their point of view. Again, you don’t have to agree with that viewpoint, but make it clear that you know their feelings are as valid as yours.

When I saw you talking to your ex, I felt really insecure, and I couldn’t say anything without disrupting the party.

I can understand that must have been uncomfortable for you, especially if you didn't feel free to talk about it.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

GIVING UP YOUR INDEPENDENCE?

HOW TO BALANCE AUTONOMY AND CONNECTION

f a toddler takes a painful tumble, he may cry—and then he’ll run to his mom for a cuddle. His mom, if she’s attentive, will pick him up, give him kisses and kind words, and rather quickly he’ll feel better, climb off her lap, and run back to play. The toddler is using his bond with his mother for affect regulation— keeping his emotions at a fairly manageable level. His mother is his secure base, supporting him and encouraging him to head out into the world. She is also his safe haven, the place he can go back to when things get too much, a resting point of love where he can recover. That’s a need we don’t grow out of. Managing our feelings Even the most secure of us can have a bad day. Our boss corrects us, or our grandma is sick—all these knocks can make us feel vulnerable. What do we do when we’re feeling that way? Mostly, we turn to a safe haven for comfort. For adults, that’s usually our romantic partner. Even if we can’t

SURVIVAL SKILLS

Many of us fear that taking on a relationship means giving up our freedom and identity. In reality, a healthy relationship can be a support while also giving us greater independence. It’s all about interdependence.

In 2003, researcher Michael Meaney took a selection of rats and dropped them in a canister of water to sink or swim. Why? Meaney had closely observed the kind of mothers these rats had had as pups. Some rat moms licked and groomed their pups a lot; some were less nurturing. The best-loved pups, when dropped in water, kept their heads and swam, while the less licked went to pieces and, had they not been ﬁshed out again, would have probably drowned. Having a safe haven can make us independent in a crisis—literally to the point of life or death.

GIVING UP YOUR INDEPENDENCE? run straight into their arms, a secure couple can feel calmed just by thinking of each other, knowing the partner is in their life and available to comfort them later on. A secure base empowers us to strike out alone and run back to “play.” When we’re insecure Not all of us can direct our feelings so easily. While it's healthy to look to our partner to help us regulate our feelings, the anxious person needs their partner to do this and can get upset with the partner if they don’t. A secure partner may be willing to provide this if they can, but it’s healthier if we learn to calm ourselves: no one can be there all the time, and we need to be able to cope with that (see the exercises on pages 56–57). Anxious attachment doesn’t vanish overnight, and all of us want support in managing our feelings sometimes—but the better we are

at calming ourselves, the better we’ll be able to ask for support calmly and constructively when our partner does get free to talk. An avoidant person, on the other hand, tends to dismiss both their own feelings and offers of help—driven by the fear that others can’t be trusted to be there for them, and by the compensating belief that a strong, competent person shouldn’t need help. While secure and anxious people are usually reassured by offers of support, avoidant people can ﬁnd these offers threatening. Accepting the offer feels like giving up some of our self-reliance and acknowledging that we might need other people after all—which plays right into our fear that they’ll let us down. If you’re used to handling painful feelings by disconnecting from them, others may end up feeling rejected and undervalued when you turn down their offers of support. Yet interdependence is not the same

POURING YOUR HEART OUT A study published in 2000 in the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology recorded 93 people disclosing a personal problem to their boyfriend or girlfriend. While the more avoidant partners fell short on giving support, and the more anxious partners weren’t good at asking for it, the people who could relate securely reported that the care of their partner made them feel better. Being able to trust a partner to help us pick ourselves up makes it easier to face life’s challenges.

thing as dependence. A partner who controls you is a bad choice, but a partner who counts on you and who you can count on can make it easier for you to manage out in the world.

KEEP IN TOUCH AND KEEP ON TRACK If you are anxious, you may feel the need for reassurance at points when your partner doesn’t have much time to give it. The good news is that anxious people are usually easy to reassure—a quick text message is often all it takes.

Looking forward to seeing you. Thinking of you.

Miss you.

Busy now but will call you later.

Happy you’re in my life.

Sorry, no time to chat right now but hope you’re OK.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY? HOW MENTAL HABITS HINDER OR HELP We all want to be happy, so why do some of us stay in situations that make us miserable? Perhaps because we also want to avoid confusion. If we expect problems, trouble can be perversely reassuring. CHALLENGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS Try out this daily exercise: start noting your selective thinking and ﬁnd ways to create more positive habits. Challenge selective attention: What nice things did people do for you today? ■ How did you feel about it? ■ Did you dismiss it? If so, how? ■

Challenge selective memory: ■ What good stuff did you do today? ■ How did people react? ■ Did it show they cared about you? Challenge selective interpretation: ■ Think about an incident today that made you feel bad. ■ Is there a more positive spin you could put on it? ■ Are you overgeneralizing? ■ Are you stressing people’s bad points or downplaying their good?

ould you say you’re an optimist? Do you expect life to go well and people to like you? If someone says nice things about you, do you feel reassured or disconcerted? No one really wants to be treated badly. But along with the desire for connection and love goes another basic human need: to have a clear sense of who we are. Having our identity called into question is deeply disturbing, and most of us will go to great lengths to avoid it. So what is your identity? If you see yourself as a lovable person, living in a world where people are pretty decent, a warm and devoted partner will conﬁrm that, and a mean or disinterested partner will upset. Staying with the nice one and leaving the other makes sense, right? But suppose you feel yourself to be basically unlovable. A partner who loves you may be what you need, but on some level it’s confusing: they’re

treating you like someone you’re not (at least in your own mind). A partner who doesn’t love you is painful, but at least it makes sense to you—they aren’t forcing you to question your sense of yourself—and we generally accept what makes sense. Unconsciously, we can push for what we expect. Psychologist William Swann dubbed this phenomenon “self-veriﬁcation,” and it can make us act against our own interests. In 1988, Swann tested college students by seeing whether they preferred roommates who rated them favorably or negatively: the students who liked themselves avoided the negative roommates, but the students with poor self-image

Self-veriﬁcation processes are driven by people’s desire to maximize their perceptions of predictability and control. William Swann Psychologist

YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

Self-image I’m quite entertaining; people are going to enjoy my company.

KEY: Positive loop Negative loop

Creating situations I like Alex, who’s clever. Chris is a bit dull. I’ll talk to Chris—I’ll only make a fool of myself with Alex. Self-image I’m not a high-ﬂyer. Nobody smart would be interested in me.

Selective seeing Josh rolled his eyes when I told that joke, but I think I saw a grin trying to get out.

actually preferred the roommates who said bad things about them. The negative comments weren’t pleasant, but did provide self-veriﬁcation—and that’s what informed their choice. Paying attention In the same way, we tend to be selective in our attention, memory, and interpretation: if something conﬁrms our self-image, we simply take it to heart better. Even when our

Creating situations That cute guy just told a funny story— I’ll tell one too and make him laugh.

Selective seeing My boss praised my work, but said I’d overlooked something. That’s typical—my memory’s like a sieve.

partner is treating us well, if we still expect the worst—which anxious and avoidant types often do—we may be more aware of any bad moments than good ones, because the bad ones conﬁrm our expectations. By focusing on the bad and overlooking the good, we might not realize how great someone is—or how great we are. If you ﬁnd your past relationships all left a bitter taste in your mouth,

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES We may feel that our self-image is caused by our successes and failures, but often it’s a vicious circle—or a virtuous one—in which our decisions create situations that verify our expectations.

take some time to consider this key question: do you feel lovable? And if not, that’s an important place to start. You certainly deserve nice treatment from people; everyone does. You just need to be your own best ally in seeking it out. Try some self-afﬁrmation exercises (on the next page) and see if you can become open to changing your self-image.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

YOU DESERVE THE BEST HEALTHY POSITIVE THINKING

Evidence-based psychology—and our own experience— tells us that people who feel good about themselves are happier in relationships. To get started on that path to greater conﬁdence, try some self-afﬁrmation.

o we need to be perfect to feel good about ourselves? The answer is a resounding “No”: even the most confident people know there are things they can’t do or qualities they lack. What we need, instead, is to have a sense of ourselves as generally worthwhile— that even if we have our faults, we also have good qualities that counterbalance them, adding up to a sense of overall value and integrity. Accentuate the positive We tend to spend a lot of time reflecting on how to fix ourselves. There are strategic advantages to that—sometimes problems need to be addressed—but if we dwell only on our problems and pitfalls, we’re spending all our self-reflection time telling ourselves that things are wrong. That doesn’t help us feel very lovable. Self-affirmation theory emphasizes the importance of remembering our good points. Suppose, for instance, you have a terrible singing voice and feel embarrassed on karaoke night. If you think only about your singing, you’re liable to end up feeling that you are ridiculous and unattractive, and that nobody could really be interested in you. If, on the other hand, you remind yourself of your best points, you put the negatives in context and give your self-esteem

You can reprogram your brain, which can affect how you feel and function. Roya R. Rad Psychologist, writing on self-afﬁrmation in the Hufﬁngton Post

YOU DESERVE THE BEST SELF-AFFIRMATION IN PRACTICE Do you ﬁnd you keep beating up on yourself? Make a habit of running through these steps and see if it makes you feel better.

An upsetting event happens

You have a negative thought—“I’m such an idiot.”

Remind yourself of a talent, virtue, or value you prize in yourself

Spend a little time enjoying the thought

How do you feel now, even as you acknowledge the upsetting event?

a boost that offsets the singing. These qualities don’t have to be relevant to karaoke—maybe you’re a great cook, or a talented organizer. Whatever it is, in effect you can say, “Well, I can’t sing, but never mind,

I’m good at other things.” A wellmeaning friend may tell you not to worry, your singing is, er, great—but if you know that’s not true, false affirmation will probably make you feel worse. For self-affirmation to work, forget your pitchy singing and focus on those good points instead. Creating resilience Self-affirmation can have surprisingly wide-ranging effects. A study in 2009, for example, found that people who had done poorly on a math test would usually be discouraged and perform equally badly a second time. Between the two tests, however, some were given a word search task that subtly reminded them of values that they’d previously stated were important to them—for instance, finding the word “color” in the scrambled letters if they’d said they cared about art. Reminded of what they loved, they got over their first failure and performed on the second math test much better. In other words, just thinking of something they felt good about enabled people to show more skill at a less comfortable task. Thinking of others While self-affirmation can help us become more resilient and feel better about ourselves, positive psychology tells us that how we relate to the world around us is equally important. Greater wealth, for example, doesn’t actually improve our happiness all that much once we have enough to cover our basic needs—but spending money on other people does. Three big predictors of happiness have been found to be optimism, gratitude, and altruism: by doing nice things for other people and dwelling on the nice things they’ve done for us, we may find we’re feeling better about

ourselves without really trying. It’s a pretty good bet that our loved ones will feel better toward us as well, creating a virtuous circle in which we can end up mutually appreciating each other. While you’re in the process of affirming your own sense of value, positive psychology suggests you needn’t stop at trying to find good things to say about yourself: when you do good things for other people, the satisfaction and pride will happen by themselves. Self-affirmation is about reminding ourselves of our positive qualities, which in turn may help us interact well in the world. We all feel out of our depth sometimes, but by giving mental space to the things you do well, you may find yourself doing better in unexpected ways—including feeling more lovable and more confident in the complicated world of romance.

TRY THESE THREE GOOD THINGS Pioneered by psychologist Martin Seligman, known as the father of positive psychology, this is an exercise to do every night before you go to sleep.

1 Think of three good things that happened today. These things don’t need to be major; they could be as simple as “I had a nice lunch.” Just as long as you enjoyed them.

2 Write them down. 3 Reﬂect on why they happened. You can ﬁnd your own explanations, be it “The world is a beautiful place” or “I planned my day very smartly.” The point is to let your brain experience the pleasure of following positive cause and effect.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT? WHERE YOU DRAW YOUR ENERGY FROM Some of us are reﬂective and quiet, while others are outgoing party animals. There’s no right way to be, but knowing your own needs can help a lot, whether you are already dating or looking to move on.

ost of us are familiar with the terms “introvert” and “extrovert,” but are they really personality descriptions? Each conjures up certain stereotypes: introvert is often taken to mean either brooding and neurotic or sensitive and intellectual, while extrovert can either be used to mean shallow and noisy or friendly and well-adjusted. Beyond the stereotypes In reality, there are plenty of popular, easygoing introverts and smart, sensitive extroverts. (There are also self-absorbed extroverts and emptyheaded introverts, but you probably don’t want to date them.) First made popular by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, and now widely used by employers in the Myers-Briggs psychometric tests, the two terms describe where you get your energy from. If being in the company of other people makes you feel energized, while being alone wears you down, you’re an extrovert. If you feel tired

after interacting with people or being in a very stimulating environment, and you ﬁnd it restful to do solitary activities, you’re an introvert. Or you may be a mix of the two—an ambivert. It’s a sliding scale, and where you sit may equally depend on who’s placing you on it: to a very introverted person, almost everyone looks extroverted, and vice versa. When Isabel Briggs Myers ﬁrst estimated the ratios in the 1960s,

My husband is extroverted. I’m introverted. He is my social grease. He is very understanding about the fact that I ﬁnd social events and talking to people exhausting, and my need for quiet time.

My introverted husband once told me, “Being with you is like being alone.” It was his way of saying he loves my company: he meant that he never wants a break from me. she put America at about 25 percent introvert and 75 percent extrovert. In 1998, the Myers & Briggs Foundation's first official study revised the estimate to a pretty even split of 50.7 percent introvert and 49.3 percent extrovert. Energy in love How does this relate to finding love? Some people argue the best pairing is introvert-extrovert, because each balances the other out. Others say it’s best to be with someone like yourself, since you’ll enjoy the same things. It can be more useful to ask yourself what sort of environments favor you. If you’re an introvert, you’re unlikely to find your true love in a noisy club— you won’t be at your best there. If you are an extrovert, you may like a quiet walk in the park, but if you look for

EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT?

THE MYERS-BRIGGS TYPES First devised by US psychologists Katherine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers, the Myers-Briggs test now runs to dozens of questions and 16 personality types, based on how we relate to the world and ourselves. Looking at the four broad questions below, are you more extroverted or introverted?

Are you focused inward or outward?

How do you prefer to absorb information?

How do you prefer to decide things?

How do you prefer to manage your life?

EXTROVERT I draw energy from outside stimulation.

Sensing I prefer the concrete and practical.

Thinking I prefer rationality and logic, valuing justice and fairness.

Judging I’m a planner who likes things organized.

INTROVERT I draw energy from within myself.

Intuitive I prefer the big picture and being imaginative.

Feeling I prefer connection and harmony, valuing empathy and forgiveness.

Perceiving I’m an improviser who likes things ﬂexible.

I’m extroverted, my partner is introverted. He helps me calm down, reﬂect, be less impulsive. We get cross with each other when I want to chat with the love of my life but he wants to read in total silence! romance in subdued places, you may feel yourself a bit at a loss. Most usefully, the two terms can help you understand the dynamics between yourself and a date. Is the beautiful woman you met last week losing interest in you, or is she just tired because the party’s been going on for hours? Is your new boyfriend bored with your company, or does he just need to get out and do something for a while? When you’re aware and accepting of the different styles of

energy, a lot of conﬂicts can become a pattern of mutually supported needs. What looks antisocial and unfriendly may actually be a need to refresh oneself with some me-time or ustime. What looks restless may actually be a need to get some stimulation. Successful “mixed” couples often make arrangements—Friday night is for vegging at home, Saturday night is party time. Whatever you decide, understanding how you work can make all the difference between frustration and satisfaction.

Does it differ by gender? Here’s what the 1998 study by the Myers & Briggs Foundation found:

WOMEN

52.5% 47.5% extroverted

introverted

My partner and I are both introverted, so it’s important we each have our own time and space. We communicate openly about when each of us needs that space, and it works well.

MEN

45.9% 54.1%

extroverted

introverted

CHAPTER 1: YOU

A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS

PLATONIC LESSONS IN LOVE Sometimes it can feel like everyone is coupled up except us—but even if that were true, our platonic relationships can help us to develop more secure attachment that may improve our next romance.

f you’ve ever poured out your sorrows to a close friend about a failed romance, or they’ve taken you out to cheer you up, you’ll have experienced the soothing effect of friendship on a bruised heart. Seeking a secure base When a romance goes wrong and we feel the ache to be close again, that ache is our attachment system getting activated. As children, we feel upset if we get separated from our caregivers. That distress—our attachment system driving us to seek reconnection—is a powerful survival mechanism, pushing us back to the safety of their protection. As adults, our attachment system ﬁres off when a romantic relationship falters, making us feel that nothing but reconnecting with our partner will cure our pain. When we don’t have a partner If a relationship is over, though, or if we’re in a spell of singledom, we have no “secure base” partner to turn to.

How, then, do we soothe ourselves? Rugged individualists might argue that we should just deal with it like adults, but human beings are social creatures and there’s no shame in wanting connection: in fact, it’s the healthiest thing for us. Our best bet is to turn to other people in our lives— close friends and family—and enjoy connecting with them. They can’t be everything a partner is, but their love and attention can certainly help our attachment system to calm down. Psychologists study attachment between parents and children and between lovers, but at other times in our lives, it’s likely our attachment system will be occupied elsewhere. In 2010, Australian psychologist Ross B. Wilkinson found that adolescent attachments between best friends could be “complementary to the inﬂuence of parental attachments”— or, in lay terms, those whispered conﬁdences or wild nights out could be just as important in shaping a person’s expectations of romance as

their relationship with their family. As we move out of childhood, platonic relationships can shape us deeply, and we can use that closeness to help ourselves grow. Humans at any age are creatures of community, and if we’re too old to depend on a parent and don’t have a long-term partner, then friends and family (and maybe religion) are the natural places for our attachment system to seek connection.

50% A three-year Swedish study of over 13,600 people found that having good friends decreased the risk of having a heart attack by about half.

A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS Friendly foundations Seeking connection can be good in a crisis, but it’s also good long term. If we have an insecure attachment style, contact with friends is actually a good way to practice feeling secure attachment in a safe environment. Some friends may be more dependable than others, of course. A lonely phase can be a good time to take stock of who makes you feel good and who doesn’t, but the lowerkey nature of friendship can be extremely useful. A friend won’t want the commitment that concerns an avoidant person, and doesn’t have the heightened importance that ﬂusters an anxious one. If you can use time with your friends to address the basic fears of an insecure person—to prove to yourself that other people may, in fact, be willing and able to meet some of your needs—you may ﬁnd that next time you meet someone, your subconscious mind will be better prepared for a loving relationship.

I feel rotten right now. I want some love.

Can I look to a partner for this?

Yes (Reconnect with partner) This is nice, I feel better.

No I don't have a partner at the moment.

(Reconnect with friend) This is comforting.

Who else loves me? Let’s spend some time with them.

I’m not in a romantic relationship, but I still have caring people in my life.

This is nice, I feel better.

MICRO-MOMENTS OF LOVE Love is just for lovers and close friends? Not according to North Carolina professor Barbara Fredrickson. In 2010, her research suggested that the condition of the vagus nerve, which helps us experience love and regulate our emotions, can be improved with regular loving-kindness meditation (see pages 56–57) but also by small everyday moments of connection with strangers. Share a smile in the street and your brain gets a small hit of love.

THE PLATONIC CIRCUIT BREAKER If we’re having a difﬁcult time and there’s no partner available to make us feel better—or even if there is—friendship can be a great way to keep ourselves from going round and round the cycle of misery.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

BE HONEST WITH ME GETTING HELP FROM YOUR LOVED ONES S

ometimes it can be difﬁcult to get a clear perspective on ourselves. If you’re having trouble working out why you’re single, a kind but truthful friend or relation can be a valuable mentor. If you’ve been looking for love for a while, it could be that you just happen not to have met the right person yet. But it could also be that by polishing your presentation, you can improve your chances that the right person will quickly spot you when they come along. Find two friends of yours who know you well, who love you just the way you are, and who also have the social skills to recognize good presentation when they see it. For balanced feedback, choose two people of your own generation, one of each sex. Then arrange to meet each one in turn, somewhere private. Sit them down and ask them to give you truthful, helpful feedback. Now read on for ideas about which areas you might discuss, and how your mentors can best help you.

LOOKING YOUR BEST Helpful questions: ■ Could you dress more ﬂatteringly? For instance, are your clothes the right size and in good colors for you? ■ Is your personal grooming all it could be? Is there a new hairstyle (or one you had before) that might suit you better? ■ Could a different look showcase your personality better? Don’t forget: You can’t change your face, height, or build, so there’s little to be gained from criticizing these. Maybe you could gain or lose some weight or put on some muscle, but that’s a longterm project and dwelling on it right now may dent your conﬁdence in the short-term. It could be as simple as adding more vitamins and fresh air to help you look healthier. Stick to things that you can change here and now.

CARRYING YOURSELF WELL Helpful questions: ■ Is your body language friendly and appropriate? (See pages 112–115.) ■ Do you have any habits, such as a nervous laugh or a fidget, that could put people off? ■ Are you a good judge of how much personal space other people need? ■ Is your posture generally confident and upright? Don’t forget: You want to be appreciated for who you are, so there’s no point trying to change your entire manner. Getting too self-conscious might only make things worse. Instead, focus on how the way you're coming across may reflect inner discomfort. Then look for how you can feel better inside yourself; the way you come across will change along with that. (See pages 102–103 for exercises that should help.)

BE HONEST WITH ME

NEED SOME HELP? Sit down with a close friend, ask for their opinion, and do your best to take it calmly!

You tend to hunch up when you’re doing it and look all stressed.

Well, I suppose you chew your nails a lot.

Is there anything about my body language that puts people off?

Does it look that bad?

YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE Helpful questions: Does your friend agree with you about what your attachment style is? (See pages 16–19.) ■ Have they noticed whether you’re prone to the same worries in different situations? ■ What sort of attachment style do they think your previous partners have had? Is there a pattern there? (See pages 28–29.) ■ If you want to feel more secure, can your friend work with you to support that? (See pages 34–35.) ■

Don’t forget: Whatever your attachment style, it is possible to have a good relationship with the right partner. An insecure style isn’t a sentence to permanent singledom. Nor are attachment styles entirely distinct: everyone’s a little bit of a mix and can change over time.

YOUR PAST Helpful questions: Do you have unresolved issues that your friend thinks you could beneﬁt from addressing? ■ Do you have a habit of falling in love very quickly, or slowly? If so, should you adjust your expectations a bit? (See pages 130–131.) ■ Does your friend think you remember past relationships fully, or can you be a bit selective? ■ Are you vulnerable to a particular, unwise choice of partner? (See pages 28–29.) ■

Don’t forget: We can always grow and develop as people. A difﬁcult past need not mean a difﬁcult future. Try to be open to change (see pages 32–33). Sometimes trying new habits can be hard—talk about how your friend can support you.

(Deep breath) Okay, thanks. Anything else?

YOUR GOOD QUALITIES Helpful questions: ■ What’s the ﬁrst good thing that comes to mind when your friend thinks about you? (This could be either a physical or behavioral trait.) Could you nurture it more? And how could you highlight it? ■ When do you seem to have the most fun with others? (If you can increase those kinds of activities you'll be more likely to meet and attract others.) ■ What are your talents? (Are you imaginative, insightful, witty, resourceful in a tight spot?) Can you use this to your advantage? Don’t forget: Your friends and family love you for a reason! Improving your romantic presentation is as much about displaying those lovable qualities as it is about ﬁxing the less lovable ones.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

I ALWAYS GO FOR… YOU AND YOUR TYPE

Does a particular kind of face always get your heart ﬂuttering? Whether we mean to or not, we often read personality into features—knowing why can give us the power to choose our partners wisely.

hat sort of face appeals to you? Do you like a face that’s sweet and endearing? Glowering and Byronic? Sunny and open? Many of us have a particular look we go for; why is that? Some of it may have to do with past experiences. If, for instance, every redheaded person you’ve met has been particularly friendly and pleasant, on some level your brain may make the connection and you may start assuming that red hair indicates an outgoing personality. Some of it, though, is influenced by a series of other assumptions we make. Looking for cues While consciously we know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, our brains are prone to make snap judgments when we see someone. We need to know how to behave toward them, so we immediately look for hints, pick up on anything that seems familiar or gives us a clue, and make some rapid assumptions—or overgeneralizations— about what to expect of their personality based on the style of their face. Studies suggest four big looks that lead us astray: the babyface look; an emotional cast to the face; a familiar look; and the halo effect. If you always seem to be excited by a certain kind of face, that may tell you something very useful—not just what you find physically attractive, but what kind of personality and relationship you are, deep down, on the lookout for. We can’t change what we find attractive, of course—but the more we’re aware of our subconscious reactions, the better we can be sure that we’re judging with our hearts and our heads as well as our eyes.

I ALWAYS GO FOR…

BE MY BABY

READING EMOTIONS

Some features look more babyish than others. Big cues are:

The six basic emotions of the human face are universal: happiness, fear, surprise, anger, disgust, and sadness look pretty much the same from the Australian Outback to the Arctic Circle. Because these emotions move our features into recognizable patterns, we tend to see certain emotions in faces that naturally match those patterns: someone with heavy brows and narrow lips, for instance, may register as mildly angry when their expression is actually neutral. Certain conclusions are all too easy to jump to:

■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

Round face Big cheeks Big forehead Small chin Button nose Fine eyebrows Big eyes (especially with big pupils)

How does that sound to you—unsexy, or adorable? We tend to associate faces like that with warmth, honesty, naivety, and submissiveness. We also tend to see them as feminine— perhaps because of an unwitting sexism, but also because the changes at puberty generally affect male faces more dramatically than female ones. (For example, men often develop heavier jawlines and brows.) If you suspect you often go for big eyes and small features, you may be looking for a sweetie—someone lovable and trusting to cuddle with, and maybe to protect.

Beauty is no quality in things themselves: it exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty. David Hume, philosopher, in Of the Standard of Taste and Other Essays, 1757

Happiness

Disgusted

Surprise

Anger

Sadness

Fear

■

Angry features are associated with a forceful personality and limited warmth

■

Sad, fearful, or surprised features are associated with being moderately warm but low in forcefulness

THE BIG SIX

■

Happy features are associated with high warmth and being conﬁdent rather than forceful

There are some moods that everyone can recognize: in the 1970s, American psychotherapist Paul Ekman identiﬁed six universal facial expressions.

■

Disgusted features can be seen as denoting negativity, pessimism, cynicism, or condescension.

Are you looking for someone warm and affectionate or strong and dynamic—or both? Also, take a look in the mirror: what emotions does your face tend to show? If they’re not the emotions you want to convey, consider whether they reﬂect the emotions that you feel underneath— and perhaps want to change. A wellplaced smile might help, too.

READING HORMONES Certain features that signal genetic health are universally popular: symmetry, averageness (no feature too big or too small), and a clear complexion. We’re less consistent with men than women. In women, feminine faces are usually preferred. In men, tastes vary: high-testosterone masculine faces are considered more virile but also more aggressive, while lower-testosterone men look softer and more nurturing.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

THE HALO EFFECT Some faces fit the template when it comes to good looks: symmetry, a clear complexion, bright eyes, and fine proportions shout that this person is healthy and fertile, which appeals to our hormones. What effect does this have on the owner of this face? Chances are, they’ve lived a life with the “halo effect”: people have tended to give them the benefit of the doubt. Teachers have graded them more generously and made more excuses for any misbehavior. At work, their chances of promotion may have been higher (unless they ran into a samesex boss who felt their attractiveness to be a threat). They may even have received a lighter sentence if they committed a crime! None of this proves whether they’re a bad or a good person, of course—just that they may have had a slightly different

92% 45% In a 1991 study of small claims courts in the US, 92 percent of mature-faced defendants who denied causing intentional harm were found to be at fault— but only 45 percent of baby-faced defendants.

YOU GET MY VOTE Beauty can be powerful enough to rock democracy. A series of studies in the US found that people presented with photos of unfamiliar politicians could guess their chances of electoral success with surprising accuracy—and even their margin of victory. Not only do people vote for candidates who look good, but deep down we know it, too.

experience of life from the rest of us ordinary mortals. This experience may, in turn, make one person irresponsible and entitled but another person sociable and trusting—everyone is different. What does it mean in the dating scene? If you happen to have a perfect face, that’s good news for you since people will tend to grant you this halo. If not, it’s useful to be aware of it when you meet someone who does: just make sure that your assessment of their character is based on what they do, not how they look while they’re doing it.

STRANGELY FAMILIAR How do we react if a face looks familiar? In studies by Scottish researcher Lisa DeBruine, subjects were shown photographs of total strangers. When the faces were morphed by computers to increase their resemblance to the subject, they were rated more trustworthy— but also less sexy, perhaps because they looked like siblings or cousins. Faces morphed to look nothing like the subject were also rated as unattractive because they looked untrustworthy—too unfamiliar and we get wary, unless someone looks like another person we know we trust. With our own faces, there’s little we can do about this—we have no control over whether we look familiar to other people—but we might learn to think twice if we meet someone with a lovely personality but a face that we aren’t quite sure about. Are your instincts right, or should you try a second date to see whether their face grows on you over time?

THE LOOK OF LOVE A study of 70 couples in the Netherlands in 2011 found that love does make a difference. Couples were asked to rate each other’s looks, while members of the public also gave their honest opinion. Result? Compared with the general verdict, everyone rated their partner as more attractive than they really were. Once you’re in someone’s heart, it seems, you really are beautiful to them, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I ALWAYS GO FOR…

THE EYES HAVE IT

THE COLOR OF FUN

ALL SO UNFAIR?

Eyes may be windows of the soul, but they are also the window of desire. Women’s pupils dilate prior to ovulation—and when looking at attractive men. Men generally go for doe-eyed women without knowing why: such women look interested and fertile. Women prefer medium pupils in men—unless they’re ovulating or go for the bad boy type, in which case, big pupils get the nod.

When UK psychologists Viren Swami and Seishin Barrett sent researchers with dyed hair into clubs, men rated the “brunette” as prettier, but more approached the “blonde.” Shown pictures, men tended to rate blondes as needy, brunettes as intelligent but arrogant, and redheads as shy, hottempered, and promiscuous. Not very sensible, but then one man’s needy, arrogant, or temperamental is another man’s loyal, conﬁdent, or passionate—or a woman may just decide a man who makes such assumptions isn’t worth her time.

We react very fast when it comes to faces: it only takes a fraction of a second before we start to deduce character and personality. The process—which runs through the brain’s fusiform gyrus (our facerecognition software) and amygdala (the assessment center that spots threats and opportunities)—was dubbed “thin slicing” in 1992 by psychologists Nalini Ambady and Richard Rosenthal. It’s not infallible, but it can be about 60 percent accurate on a 50–50 chance of being right or wrong.

If my eyes should ever turn brown, my career is shot to hell. Paul Newman Blue-eyed actor

Look closely The eye has a dark ring around the iris, separating the color from the white. This limbal ring shrinks with age; we read a thick ring as attractive even if we don’t notice it consciously.

THOSE BIG BROWN EYES In a Czech study in 2010, volunteers shown 80 photos of faces rated the brown-eyed faces as more dominant than the blue-eyed ones. Brown-eyed faces tend to have more dominant features, such as strong brows and jaw—but when the photos were doctored to switch eye colors, the volunteers still rated the fake brown-eyed pictures as more dominant.

RELAXED Hair in an afro can be political: clubs, workplaces, and schools have been known to ban natural hairstyles, and surveys estimate that black women can spend up to six times more money on their hair. We usually read weaves and relaxed (or straightened) hair as mainstream and professional, while natural says confident and progressive. Tip to the white guys, though: don’t ask to touch a woman’s hair on first meeting. It's tactless to do this with total strangers, and most women will find it annoying.

Do blondes have more fun?

60% Thin slicing can be 60 percent accurate when judging someone's personality by their face.

Take comfort Short of surgery we can’t change our features, but don’t be deterred by the statistics on how shallow people can be. Psychologist Ronald E. Riggio, who studies leadership qualities, points out that “dynamic attractiveness”—the charm of body language, personality, and presence—can override good looks and create a highly attractive individual, even if their face Are redheads is nothing remarkable.

hot?

OUR BRAINS TAKE JUST

THREE HUNDREDTHS

OF A SECOND,

MUCH LESS TIME THAN

AN EYEBLINK, TO DECIDE

TRUSTWORTHINESS

MELANIE GREENBERG, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

CHAPTER 1: YOU

THE SCENT OF CHEMISTRY HOW SMELL WORKS ON OUR FEELINGS No one wants a stinky date, but there may be more to physical scent than just clean or dirty. Scientists know that animals attract mates by pheromones; now they’re investigating whether humans do the same. Scent

Effect

Lemon

Heightens our sense of well-being

Lavender

Makes us feel relaxed (and, oddly, worse at math)

Lavender and eucalyptus

Make us feel more alert

Phenethyl alcohol (found in rose oil)

Soothing—helps to reduce blood pressure

Sandalwood

Promotes physical healing

Bergamot

Relieves anxiety

Rose

Can be calming

Jasmine, orange, or ylang-ylang

Helps to alleviate depression

MAGIC POTIONS We may not be able to bottle our pheromones, but laboratory tests suggest that certain scents have a powerful effect on our emotions. If you want to smell stimulating, calming, or healing, check your perfume ingredients or try some essential oils.

n 1959, scientists identified a chemical called bombykol—an aphrodisiac, or pheromone, secreted by female silk moths that draws males from as far away as 6 miles (10 km). Not just insects but mammals, too, are in on the game: male boars secrete androstenone and androstenol in their saliva, which attract females. Could we humans be doing something similar? Human pheromones Science is still exploring the question of human pheromones, but it appears we do react to each other’s body odor. In the 1980s, researchers at the University of Utah discovered two tiny scent pits in the human nostrils, lined with receptor cells that fired energetically when presented with certain stimuli. The owners of those nostrils said they couldn’t smell anything, but felt a vague sense of well-being. You may not think you’re being influenced by a smell, because it isn’t registering consciously, but your emotions reveal that on an unconscious level you may be having a pretty strong reaction. If we’re smelling more than we realize, where is it coming from? Probably pheromone-producing scent glands.

THE SCENT OF CHEMISTRY Body odor The distinctly adult smell of body odor starts after puberty, in the sweat glands, and appears to act as a pheromone. Children sweat, too, but they don’t get B.O. Their eccrine glands release sweat directly onto the skin as a cooling system. At puberty, our bodies also start using the apocrine glands, which secrete sweat onto hair follicles and are stimulated not by heat but by adrenaline in times of stress and excitement—and that sweat includes chemicals like the androstenone. secreted by wild boars. Apocrine glands can get overactive during adolescence, but if we bathe regularly and wear clean clothes, our body odor can be an enticing pheromone. Snifﬁng for a partner Do we choose our partner with our nose? Perhaps more than we think. In 1995, a Swiss study at the University of Bern invited women to smell different men’s used shirts, and found they preferred the smell of men whose immune systems differed genetically from their own. Nonidentical immune systems produce, in theory, the healthiest offspring, and can be distinguished by chemical by-products that each have a unique smell—another invisible factor in the mating game. So should we ditch the deodorant and put away the perfume? No, not necessarily: cleanliness is also a good indicator of health and well-being, and good grooming is attractive to most people. But if we get sweaty, we might actually be engaging in a subconscious form of advertising— and when it comes to checking out potential mates, we might try closing our eyes and inhaling to see if this is someone we want to get close to.

In 2009 American artist Judith Prays set up Pheromone Parties, where people selected blind dates by smelling their T-shirts. The organizers make no promises, but the idea went global.

10,000

A splash of attraction: Ladies, looking to dab on something sultry to attract a man? You may be wasting your time. The main erotic ingredient in perfumes is musk, and women have a greater sensitivity to it than men—a thousand times more sensitive, in fact. Your date probably won’t smell it at all; the person getting turned on by the perfume will be you … but then again, if you’re feeling sensual, you’ll probably act sexier and get his attention that way.

Babies can smell their mother’s milk, and parents can recognize their child’s smell, but a woman’s sense of smell is 10,000 times more acute when ovulating.

x 1,000

5scentmillion receptors

Survival of the snifﬁest: While we may not be the sharpest-nosed animals on the evolutionary tree—humans have about 5 million scent receptors, but dogs have 220 million—we can still distinguish around 10,000 different scents. We use that ability not only to test our food, but also to check out the people around us, from parents to potential partners. Newborn babies, for instance, prefer to nurse from an unwashed breast than a washed one, while adults can smell certain musk odors (pheromone smells that only matter when we’re sexually mature) that prepubescent children can’t identify at all.

10,000

different scents

CHAPTER 1: YOU

SMILE PLEASE THE BOND OF HUMOR essential for romance. Instead, it’s best to look at humor as a quick way of checking compatibility: watch your date's reaction when telling jokes you love most, and shrug off the pressure to laugh at a joke you don’t What kind of person like. The person you tells that joke? laugh with now may or may not be the person you hope to rejoice with later.

Do you fall for people who make you laugh? If you meet someone attractive, do you try to amuse them? You may be shrewder than you realize: people’s sense of humor tells us a lot about them.

person who jokes with us wants to make us laugh— self-evident, perhaps, but important if we’re trying to decide whether they’d make a good partner. A study in 2009 found that an important element in humor is that it shows someone is interested in creating and maintaining social relationships: a person who starts with a joke is trying to get on the right foot with us, and a person who keeps us amused is making sure that they keep a positive connection with us. Someone who relates to us humorously may be a good romantic prospect simply because they’re trying to get along with us. Shared values While we may all like a joke, we also want our partners to share our sense of Oh dear, not humor. funny—does it This may bother me? be more

than just the desire to enjoy a laugh together: what we find funny says a lot about us. A study of 30 college couples in 1985 concluded that “shared humor reflects similar values and needs, resulting in consensual validation with an intimate other on how one perceives the world.” In other words, when someone laughs at the same joke as you, you feel affirmed—you are agreeing happily together as to what is funny and what isn’t. If you feel uncomfortable with the kinds of joke a date tells, or with what they laugh at, it may signal something important: this person may have a worldview or beliefs that are incompatible with yours. One person’s bad taste is another person's subversive joy, while one person’s prudery is another’s moral delicacy. Of course, not everyone is a standup comedian, and there are plenty of lovable people who just can’t tell a joke very well: being funny is not

Do men always need to be the funny ones? Maybe not. A study published in the Journal of Psychology in 2009 found that male and female subjects were rated as more attractive if they had a good sense of humor—but the men’s ratings of the women jumped more than the women’s ratings of the men. Do witty women scare men off? Not necessarily. In 1998 a study found that attractive Never mind, it’s women who corny but cute. made selfdeprecating jokes were rated more highly by male subjects, because they seemed friendlier and more approachable.

SMILE PLEASE

WHAT DO YOUR JOKES SAY ABOUT YOUR VALUES? Kind of humor

Deﬁned as…

Kind of person

Wisecracks

Quickﬁre smart remarks

Intelligent, since this is hard to do well. May be a bit competitive, or trying to deﬂect discussion of their real feelings.

Deadpan

Straight-faced and droll

May be ironically bidding for intimacy, because the humor depends on your knowing that they’re joking.

Off-color humor

Naughty bathroom jokes

Candid, unpretentious, earthy. Sometimes immature or aggressive.

Clowning

Physical fooling around

Physically assured, since this is a deﬁnite skill, though perhaps not comfortable in their own skin. Likes attention.

Raconteur

Holding the ﬂoor with funny stories

A performer who likes the spotlight. Observant, conﬁdent, and possibly prone to embroidering the truth.

Self-deprecating

Jokes at one’s own expense

Can be opposite things: either a secure person who can take a laugh, or an insecure person bidding for reassurance.

Teasing

Jokes at the expense of someone else

Affectionate teasing can be proof of a bond. Someone whose jokes are always at other people’s expense, though, may possess an innate sense of superiority.

Sarcasm

Biting and ironic

A person who can pull this off without sounding bitter or mean is probably quite subtle.

References

Pop culture quips and quotes

Cultured and/or geeky. If you like the same things, this can be great for bonding; if not, it can wear thin.

Parody

Send-ups and impressions

Pay close attention to what and how they parody: it will tell you a lot about what they consider foolish.

Dark

Gallows or tasteless humor

May suggest someone who likes to push boundaries—or someone who has learned to live with their own misfortune.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

WISHING ON A STAR WHEN YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO YOURSELF

any of us don’t believe in fortune-telling, but most of us could confess to the occasional moment when we sneakily read our horoscope and feel a little twinge of hope if it tells us that we might meet a beautiful stranger. Similarly, when we take a personality quiz online, we hope to be told we’re like Jane Eyre or Mr. Darcy. Why are we drawn to these things even if we We’ve got don’t quite take something for them seriously?

everyone. Roll up, folks Circus maestro P.T. Barnum used to claim, “We’ve got something for everyone,” and for that grand claim his name is preserved in the annals of psychology. The Barnum effect—or the Forer effect, after the psychologist who identiﬁed the phenomenon— describes our tendency to see ourselves in neutral statements. Write a description that could apply to almost anyone, and people will almost always assume it applies to them in particular. In 1948, Bertram R. Forer gave his students a personality test that would supposedly offer each of them an individual analysis. (Try some of the test yourself, opposite.) In fact, they all got the same result—but because the statements were so general, they gave it an average rating of 4.26 out

It’s easy to laugh at people who consult horoscopes or fortune-tellers about their romantic prospects, but even if this is simply a superstitious habit, it may reveal something unexpected—if we look at it the right way.

33%

An estimated 33 percent of US residents believe in astrology— 75 percent of them are women.

WISHING ON A STAR SEE YOURSELF IN THIS? Here are some of the statements in Forer’s personality test—how well do they describe you (and everyone else)? ■

You have a great need for other people to like and admire you.

■

You have a tendency to be critical of yourself.

■

You have a great deal of unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage.

■

While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them.

■

At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved...

of 5—or 85.2 percent—for accuracy. Forer’s experiment shows we have a tendency to subjective validation—assuming something is right if it seems to relate to us. Horoscopes, too, are supposed to be personally tailored to us (and it’s hard to resist the feeling of individual attention). In a classroom experiment, students were given a list of yesterday’s horoscopes and asked to choose which sounded most accurate for them. Students in the control group, who weren’t told which prediction related to which star sign, compared the predictions yesterday with their experiences today and tended to pick the best match, while students who were given the star signs as well were far

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF? 1 Find an online horoscope, preferably one that focuses on your love life.

2 Every day for a week, read your forecast once, copy and paste the text somewhere, and save it. Don’t reread.

3 At the end of the week, without looking at your saved forecasts, write down what you remember it told you about yourself and your love life.

5 The following week, try the same exercise. This time, make an effort to remember only the positive forecasts. You may find your confidence increases. If you feel you’re living under an unlucky star, this exercise can be a good way to see if the jinx really lies in your selective observations. Better still, make a list of the positive forecasts and carry it with you as an extra boost to your confidence.

4 Go back to the actual forecasts, and compare them with your memory of events. Are you looking at your romantic future? Probably not. But your notes do show your romantic expectations. As these shape our behavior, there may be hints to your future there.

more likely to go for “their” horoscope: Virgos chose Virgo, Scorpios chose Scorpio, and so on. Although they already knew how their day had panned out, they were still swayed by the classiﬁcations. So are we just dupes? While we may see ourselves in neutral statements that could apply to anyone, it’s still worth thinking about what we see. As shown on pages 32–33, we tend to be selective about what we notice. If we feel good about ourselves, we remember luck and compliments; if we feel bad, criticism and misfortune—and we have a tendency to seek out the company of people who validate our positive or negative self-image. If you’ve ever read your horoscope, ask yourself this: what do you mainly

remember it saying about you? In other words, presented with a Barnum statement, what jumps out at you? We may not see our future in a crystal ball. What we might see is our own self-image looking back at us—and that image can shape our future decisions. Your reactions to a general statement are a foreshadowing of your reaction to meeting new people. Once you understand your own reactions, you may have a clearer picture of where your self-image or conﬁdence needs a boost—to help with that, try the simple exercises above. That way, when you do meet a beautiful stranger, you’ll be ready for them.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK COPING WITH THE LONELY TIMES

However psychologically ready for a relationship we are, sometimes we just haven’t found the right person yet. How do we get through a season of being single without losing our conﬁdence?

ometimes, what we really need in life is compassion and understanding. We want that from a partner—but if a partner isn’t available right now, there’s no reason to suffer in the meantime. An important psychological skill we can develop is what American therapist Kristin Neff calls self-compassion: the art of nurturing ourselves. Self-compassion All of us can be hard on ourselves. If we feel down about ourselves, we tend to jump to the conclusion that there's something wrong with us. Rather than acknowledge how we feel, we look for reasons—as if we have to find an explanation for our sadness in faults that we have to fix before we can feel better again. Searching for reasons can also create conflict with others, whether we're single or dating. If we feel angry, for instance, we may rush from the emotion to the reaction. Thoughts and plans will start bubbling up: “He’s such a pain,” “I know I’m right about this,” “What can I say to put him in his place?” If our minds rush us straight through to attack mode like this, we risk blurting out the reaction to our feeling—“You’re an idiot!”— rather than the feeling itself—“I feel angry with you right now.” We don’t help ourselves by running at this pace. We need love and kindness, but the first person who must give it to you is yourself. (See pages 56–57 for some exercises to help develop this ability.) Mindfulness Psychologists now are taking an increasing interest in the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. Put simply, this is the practice of letting ourselves be gently aware of whatever thoughts and feelings we are experiencing—

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK not forming judgments about them or committing to them, just observing and accepting that they’re there. Romantic relationships often involve difﬁcult emotions, whether it’s the stress of a quarrel with your partner or the nerve-racking cycle of hope, disappointment, and discouragement that can go with searching the dating scene for someone to be with. If we’ve been looking for love for a while, the more painful feelings can start to turn into opinions: “I’m such a loser,” “I must be ugly,” “All the good partners are already taken.” If instead we can sit with these thoughts and accept them for what they are—I feel insecure, I feel sad, I feel lonely—then they become much easier to calm.

Just bringing people’s awareness to their true selfconcept increases their sense of meaning in life.

happiest when we can accept and trust our own reactions, strengths, and weaknesses, when we are able to assess ourselves and our experiences candidly, when we act in accordance with our values and character, and when we are open and honest with the people we love. While it can be tempting to push away knowledge of our own ﬂaws and weaknesses, in the long term

It can be hard to accept painful emotions; sometimes it feels like they’ll overwhelm us if we don’t tamp them down. Even so, it is possible— and often helpful—to take some comfort in accepting them.

Better not. Deep breath. How am I feeling right now?

Embarrassed. Angry. Humiliated.

Rebecca J. Schlegel, Joshua A. Hicks, Jamie Arndt, and Laura A. King University of Missouri

Authenticity The best way to keep our self-esteem stable is to base it on an authentic self-concept—that is, a mental image of ourselves that is reasonably realistic. Social psychologists and authenticity experts Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis identify four key components: awareness, unbiased processing, behavior, and relational orientation. To put this in less technical terms: we are at our

we’re actually more secure if we accept them: our weaknesses won’t destroy us, but trying to deny them leaves us in conﬂict with ourselves and with our real experiences. If we can be honest with ourselves and others, and act according to our honest understanding, we won’t live without bad times—no one does— but we will have a foundation of selfrespect to rest upon.

LET YOURSELF FEEL

We’ve been on a date, but he never called back. I should call him and let him know what I think of him!

Okay, this hurts. I need to give myself some love.

Still feeling hurt, but at least I can admit it to myself. Hey, I can cope with this.

CHAPTER 1: YOU

Practicing self-compassion When we become sympathetically aware of our own feelings—when we are compassionate and mindful— they are much less likely to trip us up. We all want love, but the one person who has been in your life from the beginning and will be there to the end is you. A constant companion should be a kind companion. It’s not always easy to treat ourselves compassionately; try some exercises to help you along. With practice, you will ﬁnd yourself better able to cope with time alone—and that can only help in the ongoing search for love.

MINDFUL BREATHING 1 Get yourself somewhere physically comfortable— preferably sitting up, so that you don’t fall asleep. Close your eyes and relax.

2 Let yourself become aware of the sensations in your body—the air on your skin, the seat under you, your feet in your shoes. Thoughts will drift in and out of your mind; don’t worry about that. Just let them come and go, and keep returning your attention to your sensations.

3 Move your focus to the

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF Sometimes we just need to steady ourselves. Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, focuses on how to remain creative and productive without turning to unhealthy habits or feeling one must be tormented in order to be imaginative. In it she recommends morning pages. First thing each day, sit down and write out three pages longhand—three pages of anything, be it nonsense, a list of chores, or your deepest fears. The point is simply to keep the pen moving and listen to yourself. This way, you start the day by clearing your head with a writing meditation. You may not be a working artist, but we all use creativity to solve our problems every day, and the more comfortable we are with letting our thoughts ﬂow, the better balanced we feel as the day goes on.

sensation of your breath. Feel the rhythm of it going in and out. Don’t try to speed it up or slow it down; let it happen comfortably. Focus on a particular place in your body where you feel your breath most directly. Many people like to focus on the nose, feeling the place where the air enters and leaves their body, but if you prefer to concentrate on your throat, stomach, or chest, go with what pleases you at that particular moment. This is an excellent meditation for calming yourself, and it’s also perfect for letting your emotions untangle. If strong feelings arise, let them happen: you may ﬁnd that the chance to observe them in a safe setting makes them much easier to deal with.

LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION 1 Find a comfortable place to sit, then close your eyes, and relax. Focus on your breathing for a little while to help yourself settle down.

2 Focus your attention on yourself, and start encouraging a feeling of loving-kindness, accepting yourself as a person of inherent worth. Try repeating phrases in your mind such as: “May I be well,” “May I be safe,” and “May I be happy.” This can feel a bit odd at ﬁrst—if you like, adapt the phrases to make them closer to the way you naturally talk—or try the next step and then come back to this one.

3 Think of someone you’re fond of, preferably not a romantic partner but a close friend or relative. Direct your feelings of loving-kindness toward them.

4 Move your attention to someone neutral to you, someone you neither like nor dislike. Try to feel lovingkindness toward them, too, in recognition of your shared humanity.

5 If you’re feeling up to it, think about someone you ﬁnd difﬁcult to like, wishing them well even if you personally don’t care for them. You can also extend this to all humanity, or, if you’re having a hard day, limit the number of people you cultivate loving-kindness toward. As a regular practice, this exercise can be amazingly good at helping you feel more at ease in the world.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK CREATE AN INNER COMFORTER All of us know what it’s like to have an inner critic: the voice in our heads telling us in merciless detail everything wrong with what we do, think, feel, and are. It may seem like it’s for your own good, but that critic is not your friend—would you be friends with an actual person who talked to you like that? What we can do instead is cultivate a compassionate self, a voice that doesn’t blame but encourages. If the habitual message of the inner critic is “Well, you really made a fool of yourself there, didn’t you?” the message of the compassionate self is “I love you and I don’t want you to suffer.” Several times each day, stop and try to hear this inner compassionate voice. Let other kind phrases follow the one above— “I forgive you,” “You can do this,” “You’ll be okay,” “I love you.” Most of us aren’t used to talking to ourselves in this way, but you’ll probably ﬁnd that you start to like this new voice once you’re listening out for it. Sometimes we fear that by loving ourselves too much we’ll drive away the love of others. Vanity and arrogance do that, perhaps, but those are inverted insecurity, not real love: they depend on feeling better than other people, as if that’s the only way to avoid feeling inferior. Real self-love, on the other hand, draws in the love of others: it creates an inner warmth and stability that sustains people— above all ourselves.

SOFTEN, ALLOW, SOOTHE How do we ﬁrst feel an emotion? Usually as a physical sensation. Try this exercise to help yourself deal with difﬁcult feelings.

1 Sit and relax for a while, perhaps using some mindful breathing to center yourself.

2 Soften. Become aware of where your body is experiencing the emotion, such as a tight throat or an aching heart. Try to picture a warm, calming sensation there. Imagine a softening of the pain rather than trying to get rid of it. Give yourself some physical compassion.

3 Allow. Accept that the feeling is there; don’t rush to push it away. You’re feeling something difﬁcult; it won’t destroy you. Your mind doesn’t have to come up with an instant solution. Give yourself some mental compassion.

KINDNESS IN THE MIRROR When we look in the mirror, too often we’re only checking for faults. We see the pimples or the wrinkles, the too-big this and the too-small that. In effect, we’re looking for reasons why someone wouldn’t like us. Instead, try this: every morning before you get showered, shaved, or made up—when you’re at your most natural, ungroomed self—stand before the mirror and look into your own eyes. Using your own name, say aloud ten times, “[My name], I love you exactly the way you are.” Don’t rush this exercise; even if you do it slowly it won’t take much time. You may be surprised at the depth of emotion it brings up, but keep doing it. Love yourself exactly the way you are, and make sure your brain hears your voice saying it.

4 Soothe. Give yourself some loving-kindness. Treat yourself as you’d treat a friend you loved; you wouldn’t tell them they were a loser for feeling bad. Give yourself some emotional compassion, empathizing with your own distress and wishing you could ease the pain.

HAVE A LAUGH “Laughter is the best medicine,” as the old saying goes, but there's science behind it, too: a study by the Royal Society found that subjects who watched comedians showed a signiﬁcantly higher pain threshold than those who watched a documentary. Since we feel the pain of social rejection in the same centers of our brains that register physical pain, a good laugh can be more than just a temporary distraction: it can give our nervous systems a positive boost that helps our all-around well-being.

CHAPTER 2

THE SEARCH

FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

ON THE LOOKOUT GETTING OUT THERE There are many popular ways to meet someone, which we’ll cover later in this chapter. First, though, what are your comfort zones? If you have a clear idea, you’ll probably feel happier about putting yourself out there.

ll of us have our happy places, and what they are can say a lot about us. It’s too much to hope that the love of one’s life will simply wander into a favorite café one day, but precisely because ﬁnding romance usually involves more active getting out there to look for Mr. or Ms. Right, we’re much better off if we have a clear idea about what kind of “out there” we’re happy getting into. There’s no point making the search for romance feel punishing. If you really can’t stand certain places or experiences, then the chances are that anyone you meet there wouldn’t suit you either. Better, probably, to ask yourself what sort of activities and environments feel right for you. Physical comfort zones We’re sometimes advised to join a sports club or a choir if we want to meet someone new, but that can sound a little simplistic. Another way to look at it is this: what sorts

of places and activities make you feel good? Where are you relaxed? What kinds of social settings let you express yourself freely? Questions like that can help us clarify what we’re looking for in a partner. Suppose you love going to football games: the energy of the crowd and the thrill of suspense are the high point of your week. Now, a hectic stadium might not be the best place to meet someone, and the best person for you might not be the biggest football fan. What you might decide, though, is that you’re looking for someone who shares your love of excitement and will join you in the rough-and-tumble side of life. Looking at it that way immediately broadens your options. Psychological comfort zones Another question: what do you value? What qualities would you say were the bedrock of your identity?

(Try the Happiness Pie, opposite.) In answering this question, it’s important not to conflate "What’s central to my identity" with "What I spend most of my time doing": focus on the aspects of life that make you feel your best, healthiest, fullest self. When it comes to looking for love, it’s wise to seek out partners who will support and encourage our finest qualities. This technique can help you decide what to prioritize. None of us have all the free time we would like, and most of us can’t do all the extracurricular stuff we’d like. When you can identify what your most important values are, that should give you some pointers: if you have to choose between activities, give the most time to the ones that most reflect who you want to be. We all want someone who loves us for who we really are, so your choices need to be realistic—pick things that make you the best version of yourself rather than trying to turn into someone else. If you can do that, it improves your chances of finding someone who harmonizes with your aspirations—and, of course, will make your life feel more meaningful in its own right.

ON THE LOOKOUT WHAT'S YOUR COMFORT ZONE?

THE HAPPINESS PIE American psychologist Michael Frisch suggests a useful exercise for determining your life goals and values. Draw a circle. This is your pie, and you’re going to divide it into slices showing how much time and effort you put into each aspect of your life. The pie below is just one example. To begin with, draw your “real version” pie: this is how much time and energy you currently put into the different aspects of your life.

1 2

When you’ve marked the difference between your real and ideal pies, think about ways that you could try to bring the real pie closer to the ideal one. If you can ﬁnd activities that develop certain aspects and also put you in the path of meeting new people, your chances of ﬁnding interesting new dates could improve a lot.

Now draw another circle, this time the “ideal version.” This is how important each of these aspects really is to you: how much of yourself do you want to be putting into each aspect?

When you hang out in your favorite places, what is it that appeals to you? A good partner for you might not like the exact same places, but they might like the same experiences that draw you there, such as…

EXCITEMENT PHYSICAL CHALLENGE

SOLITUDE SKILL-BASED ACTIVITY

DOMESTICITY SENSORY PLEASURE

Health

(FOOD, SPAS, ETC.) Work, including learning and creativity

Play and friendship

CROWDS ARTISTIC INSPIRATION INTELLECTUAL CHALLENGE

Self-esteem therapy

Love Spiritual journey

A SENSE OF HISTORY

NATURE A SENSE OF COMMUNITY ENTERTAINMENT

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

HEY WORLD, I’M AVAILABLE! SENDING OUT THE RIGHT SIGNALS

When it comes to meeting new people, we all want to come across well. How do we ﬁnd ways of presenting ourselves well without becoming too self-conscious or coming across as too eager?

ow guarded do you feel when it comes to ﬁnding love? It’s healthy to be a little cautious: giving someone your heart is a major decision, and leaping into love based on a short acquaintance can cause heartache later. On the other hand, wanting a relationship is more or less a prerequisite of getting into one: if a person really doesn’t care about having a relationship, they tend to stay single. How do we get a healthy perspective on what we want? Checking your signals Sometimes our fears lead us to give the wrong impression. If we hide what we really think, for instance, we’ll only attract someone who likes the fake us, not the real us. Or maybe we overcompensate: someone who is afraid their strong personality will alienate people often becomes more confrontational, just to test whether people can “accept me for who I am.” Or maybe we want to be accepted despite our insecurities, and so we cross the line from being selfdeprecating to becoming a real downer to be with.

55% Body language is thought to make up about 55 percent of communication. Get at ease with your body, and you’re more than halfway there.

HEY WORLD, I’M AVAILABLE! SENSUOUS WALKING MEDITATION

GET INTO YOURSELF The best way to act and feel desirable is to enjoy your own body, even when there’s no one else there. To get into the mood with yourself, try some of these suggestions:

✔ Take a long bath or power shower. Don’t just hurry to get clean: experiment with different temperatures, and really enjoy the feeling of water on your skin.

✔ Listen to music with a sensuous rhythm. Maybe even dance to it just to enjoy feeling yourself sway.

✔ Get comfortable touching your own body. If there are any parts of you you’re self-conscious about, try a loving-kindness meditation from page 56, focusing on the sensations you feel there and sending warm, affectionate energy in that direction. If it’s part of you, it’s valuable.

✔ Enjoy the aromas of incense, scented candles, essential oils, or other good-smelling things. Appreciate inhaling delicious air. You might like to pair this with the mindful breathing meditation on page 56.

Work on remembering I am that you’re a lovable. valid, lovable person (see pages 54–55 for help with that). You may also want to ask a trusted friend whether you overemphasize any aspects about yourself that worry you (see pages 40–41)—they’ll probably say there's nothing to worry about, but if you do turn out to be doing something offputting, it’s not the end of the world. A habit is just that—a habit, not the key to our identity. Throughout our lives, we all pick up and discard different ways of behaving, and they don’t have to say very much about us if we don’t let them. Do we need ﬂirting school? Often dating advice encourages us to focus on how we’re coming across to other people. The problem with focusing purely on what we should

say or do in order to send the right message is that when we’re selfconscious, our anxiety levels climb. An encounter that might be a potential getting-to-know-you conversation becomes a test of our performance skills: no one is at their best when they add stage-fright to the mix. A better approach might be to focus on your own desires. Try some of the suggestions above and right—when you feel relaxed and at ease in your body, ﬂirtation can ﬂow naturally from attraction rather than being a skill you have to work at. None of us can be sure that we’re coming across perfectly, and we probably aren’t. If you can move the focus to feeling good about yourself, though, then the image you present to the world will be relaxed and attractive because that’s how you feel. The best way to seem like a desirable person, ultimately, is to enjoy being you.

Ever noticed that some people can set the air sizzling just by walking down the street? There’s no magic to it; these people are just taking a sensuous pleasure in the feeling of their bodies in motion. Try it: soon you'll be sending out the right signals effortlessly. Go somewhere that feels peaceful and safe, such as a park. Wear comfortable shoes and clothes: this is for your own pleasure, not a performance.

1 2 3

As you walk, start a mindfulness meditation (see page 56). Feel the ground beneath your feet, the rhythm of your legs, the swing of your hips. Don’t try to change them, just focus on how they naturally feel. Start cultivating a feeling of sensory delight. Focus on the areas of your body that feel most pleasurable. This doesn’t have to be traditionally sexy parts of you: if the sun is warm on your forehead or your long, wool socks feel great on your calves, enjoy that.

Repeat one or two phrases in your head that help you feel attractive—“Hey, beautiful!” or “Looking good there!” If this feels a little silly, enjoy laughing at yourself: no one else can see inside your head, after all, and a bit of silliness never hurt anyone.

4 5

Continue walking along, experiencing your own sensuous rhythm and feeling as gorgeous as possible.

LET YOUR BODY TELL YOU YOU

ARE POWERFUL

AND DESERVING, AND YOU

BECOME MORE PRESENT,

ENTHUSIASTIC,

AND AUTHENTICALLY YOURSELF

AMY CUDDY, SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR, HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

WE MET ON THE BUS THE CHANCE ENCOUNTER

ccording to the 16th-century English poet and playwright Christopher Marlowe, love is a question of fate and strikes us in the ﬁrst moment. While that may be poetic license, it’s true that we tend to notice at once if someone’s attractive, and if we’re going to feel comfortable with someone, we often click quickly.

Where both deliberate, the love is slight: / Whoever loved, that loved not at ﬁrst sight? Christopher Marlowe from Hero and Leander, 1598

Sometimes, it seems, fate just drops a person into our path. If we run across someone wonderful—on the bus or wherever we happen to be—what’s the best way to act on instant attraction?

Love at first sight? When it comes to chance meetings, our attachment style (see pages 16– 19) affects how quickly we jump from “I like the look of you” to “I love you.” People toward the anxious end of the attachment spectrum are the most prone to falling in love at short notice: if we worry about rejection and think of others as better than us (see pages 22–23), we have a strong need for caring and acceptance, which can turn to yearning on relatively short acquaintance. Avoidant people, on the other hand, are the least prone to love at first sight: any kind of commitment can feel uncomfortable, and distance is something avoidants prefer to maintain. Anxious people find it hardest to keep their emotions on an even keel, so a sudden attraction to someone can be overwhelming. For an avoidant person, keeping emotions tamped down is a lifelong habit—they may feel attracted at first sight, but the move from attraction to love is

WE MET ON THE BUS something they would generally rather avoid. Secure people are somewhere in the middle: they’re as prone as anyone else to be struck by someone’s charm, but they tend to feel you need to build intimacy before you can really say you’re in love. Thinking with your head It’s worth remembering we’re all prone to attributing good qualities of character to someone who is good looking. This halo effect (see pages 42–44) can turn our heads, so we need to keep that in mind even when our hearts are fluttering. If you do meet someone on the bus or any other random place, there’s pressure to act quickly: if you don’t ask them out now, you may never meet again. This throws a lot of us off balance—one reason why it’s good to keep our self-esteem in good order (see pages 34–35). It's also good to be confident about the basic moves and social skills that go with being nonthreatening (see right)—the last thing you want is to scare someone off. Asking out a stranger is taking a chance, and should only be done if you’re already talking— asking someone out without talking to them first can be a little weird—but there are happy couples who meet this way, so there’s no harm in trying. After all, if they don’t know you, at least they can’t embarrass you by telling all your friends if they turn you down. The odds of meeting the perfect person unexpectedly are longer than the odds if you actively seek out opportunities, but it can happen. The trick is to keep your head as much as possible: that way you’re better placed to come across well if it does happen, and then to keep on an even keel.

BEST MOVES FOR A CHANCE ENCOUNTER Whether it’s a man or a woman who’s caught your eye, here are some tips for getting it right: ✔ Observe their body language. “Closed” signals, such as turning away from you or holding a book up as a barrier, mean they’re not interested; watch instead for the people who turn toward you and leave their arms relaxed. ✔ Start with a nonsexual comment. “You’re gorgeous” is coming on too strong; “Nice hat” or “I read that book, what do you think of it?” are much better ways to start a conversation. ✔ Ask their opinions about things. That shows you’re interested in them as a person, not just a body, and lets you ﬁnd out how they think. ✔ If you’re getting along and you’d like to see more of them, be direct. “I’d really like to ask you out; would you be interested?” shows them you’re conﬁdent, and lets them tell you straight out if the answer’s yes or no. If it’s a yes, accept whatever level of contact they’re prepared to offer, follow up soon, and meet somewhere public.

51%

Like someone's looks? 51 percent of Americans say ﬂattery is the best way to attract someone. (Just don’t be too sticky sweet.)

TIPS FOR THE GUYS There are some places where even if a woman seems wonderful, it’s not a great idea to approach her. Women are, as a whole, more alert for their physical safety, and with good reason. Here are some places where you should think carefully about trying your luck: ✖ Enclosed spaces, such as elevators and empty train carriages. If she can’t make a quick getaway, she’ll feel wary. ✖ Isolated places. Without any witnesses, she’s without protection. This includes being in a lonely room at a party: if she wants to get back to her friends, don’t try to stop her. ✖ On the street. If she is on her way somewhere, she’ll be annoyed if you don’t respect that. ✖ First meetings in a workplace. It’s one thing to ﬂirt with a colleague, but if a woman’s there to give a presentation or hand over an order, remember: her career depends on making a good impression. Making it harder for her to do her job is a turn-off. ✖ Very drunken gatherings. A gentleman doesn’t take advantage.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

I LIKE YOU, BUT... IS FRIENDSHIP ALL THAT’S AVAILABLE? Sometimes interest runs both ways, but maybe the attraction is all on your side. If we don’t ask, we may never be sure. If we ﬁnd ourselves having romantic feelings for a friend, what’s the next step?

f you feel attracted to a friend, it may be that they’re feeling the same for you. Whether to take the plunge and ask is a big decision in a friendship: the fear of ruining things keeps many a lover quiet. To speak or not to speak? Realistically, of course, there is a chance of rejection, and different friendships can absorb that impact to different degrees. There are risks in staying quiet too, though—some more serious than others. If you never declare your love to a friend who actually might be interested in you, too, you may both miss out, but you can stay friends and move on to other people. On the other hand, if you keep quiet and hope the friendship will somehow some day turn into something more, you’re probably distracting yourself from pursuing love elsewhere. If you’re caught in this trap, try the exercises opposite to help clear your thoughts about what to do.

If it’s deﬁnitely one-sided Perhaps you might be attracted to a friend who’s clearly not interested: they’re happily involved with someone else, they’ve dropped hints to that effect, or you just know you’re not their type. What then? It’s important not to get caught up in the pursuit-withdrawal dynamic, in which frustration leads to obsession and misery (see pages 148–149). Giving up on a hope of love is always painful, but so, too, is hanging on to a hope that won’t be fulﬁlled. Work on directing your attention elsewhere, so you can move past the unhappiness. Unrequited crushes on a friend aren’t necessarily all bad. True, they may never want to be with you romantically, but you can take some things from the friendship that may help you in your search for someone who does return your feelings. First: if you can identify what it is about

this person that draws you, it may help you clarify what you’re looking for in a romantic partner. Second: the fact this person likes you is a sign that you have qualities an attractive person values. Maybe this individual doesn’t want more than friendship, but there are other people like them out there who probably will. Unrequited love can be painful, there are no two ways about it. If we can keep ourselves from getting trapped in it, though, there are good things to be gained. Remember that if one attractive person likes your company, probably other attractive people will, too.

...it’s wicked to throw away all your gifts because you can’t have the one you love. Amy March in the Little Women series by Louisa May Alcott

I LIKE YOU, BUT...

DO I DECLARE MY FEELINGS?

When we’re in the throes, it can be hard to decide what to do about romantic feelings for a friend: the possible good and bad outcomes of declaring yourself can be confusing. To help you clarify your thoughts, try this simple ﬂow chart:

YES

Worst-case They say no, and it causes problems in the friendship.

Best-case scenario They want you too. Hooray!

Best-case scenario You stay friends, you get over your feelings, and you eventually meet someone else.

Worst-case You keep hoping friendship will turn into love, but never say anything, stuck in an obsessive longing.

Take a pen and paper and list the reasons there might be for each of the outcomes above. If you think it would cause problems in the friendship if you declared how you feel, try using a chart like this one:

IF I TAKE THE PLUNGE It could cause problems because...

Do I think these problems are likely?

Are there any ways I could head them off?

Are there any drawbacks to those solutions?

If so, how could I make myself feel better?

He/she will doubt I ever really valued their friendship.

Yes. I always hoped it would turn into something more.

I’d have to stress that I value our friendship nonetheless.

I might not be believed.

I’d have to brace myself for the friendship cooling.

It might be awkward hanging out alone together.

Yes.

If I hung back for a while, we might get back to normal.

If we don't get back to normal, I’d miss him/ her and feel lonely.

I could plan to spend time with other friends who value me.

Our other friends might think I’ve gone too far.

No, I’m probably being a bit paranoid.

I could assure him/her that I’ll understand if his/her answer is no.

I might still make a fool of myself.

I could share this with the friends I think would be supportive.

When you’ve completed this chart, you may still decide that the best choice is to say nothing and keep the friendship as it is. If so, you may have to let go of your romantic hopes for this particular relationship and start directing them toward new people.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

ACROSS A CROWDED OFFICE

THE PROS AND CONS OF DATING AT WORK

We spend most of our waking hours at work, and we usually have a lot in common with our colleagues. The odds of liking a colleague are high, but are workplace romances really worth the trouble?

hen you take a chance on love in the workplace, it’s not just your heart on the line but your livelihood as well. Unlike most romances, you can’t just separate if things go wrong: you have to keep working together. Not only does this raise the stakes between you, but it also tends to create pressure from third parties: your other colleagues may well have plenty of opinions about what your relationship really means. How, then, do you manage things if you and a colleague seem made for each other? Keeping close with coworkers One of the great worries of a workplace romance is the fear of antagonizing other colleagues. If you’re dating someone higher up the corporate ladder, you may well be right: in 2012, an American study of 212 workers found that not only do the majority assume that a colleague dating “up” is driven more by career motives than by love, but they are also less likely to trust and share information with that colleague. Even if you have no intention of passing anything on, fellow workers might not be willing to take the chance. Another American study of 297 people in 1998 found that female colleagues were more likely to be suspicious than male ones. You may need to tread carefully to prove that you’re not a spy in their midst! On the positive side, the same study found that people dating a colleague felt better about their own job performance, and tended to feel particularly loving toward their partner when work was going well. If you can navigate wary colleagues, a successful working romance can be a virtuous circle of improved work and improved love.

ACROSS A CROWDED OFFICE

SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE Is someone making unwelcome eyes at you? Interested in someone but don’t want to be creepy? Psychologists William E. Foote and Jane GoodmanDelahunty divide sexual harassment into three categories:

1 Misperceiving harassers: people who don’t mean any harm but can be a bit clueless when it comes to separating professional friendliness from romantic interest and understanding when it is inappropriate to hit on someone.

2 Exploitative harassers: aggressive individuals—including men more likely to be rapists—who

Limiting the fallout Most relationships end eventually, as colleagues will probably be quick to remind you, so what do you do if that happens? A lot will probably depend on how well you’ve maintained your working relationships with your team: if you’ve done your best to prove trustworthy during the romance, you’ll be less expected to cause problems if it ends. A lot will also depend how cleanly you can end the relationship. When deciding whether to date, this is a situation where it’s particularly important to ask yourself whether this person can handle frustration and embarrassment well—because there’ll be plenty of that for both of you along the way and you don’t want to take all the blame. Ultimately, the decision comes down to weighing the risks and the advantages, which will vary from individual to individual. The wisest course is to be as honest and mature as possible and hope for the best.

are carrying dangerous attitudes into the workplace because they’re dangerous people.

3 Misogynistic harassers: men who resent women in the workplace and use sexism to make them uncomfortable, especially in “boys’ club” environments. Women sometimes do this to male colleagues, too, but only if it’s a mostly female workplace. Recognizing these types of harassment and which one you’re dealing with can help you know whether to treat a problem as an unwanted courtship or as a deliberate threat.

How many peope date at work? Estimates are high, ranging from 47 percent in an Ofﬁce Romance Survey by Vault.com in 2003 to a staggering 79 percent at a large UK law ﬁrm in 2002.

10%

In a study at Stanford University in 2005–2009, 10 percent of couples met through a colleague or at work. A UK poll in 2013 found that 14 percent of couples who met at work got married, making the ofﬁce the top place to ﬁnd a spouse.

14%

DATING SMART If you’re falling for a colleague, it can be hard to think clearly—you’re with them every day. Some important points to consider: ✔ Does the company have a policy about employee dating? ✔ Do either of you handle conﬁdential information that the other mustn’t be privy to? ✔ Does your profession have harsh penalties for professional misconduct? If worst came to worst, could you lose your license? ✔ How secure are your job positions, for you and your potential partner? ✔ How is your standing with your colleagues? ✔ How much does your job depend on networking, popularity, and/or reputation? ✔ How do you and your potential partner rank against each other in terms of job positions? If one of you is more senior, could that mess up the chance of an equal relationship? ✔ How would it affect your working relationship and your positions in the company if you broke up? ✔ Is your colleague actually available, or would dating them interfere with an established relationship? ✔ Can you see yourself having a serious enough relationship with this person to make the difﬁculties worth it? ✔ In short, after weighing up all the factors, do you think that dating your colleague is a wise choice?

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

WOULD LIKE TO MEET... NAVIGATING THE PERSONAL ADS Taking out a personal ad in your favorite paper or magazine may be worth trying—after all, you never know who might be reading it—but how do you advertise for love in such a tiny space?

he best thing about a personal ad is that it casts your net into very selective waters. That magazine or paper is read by a speciﬁc demographic. Upmarket suburbanites, planet-loving recyclers, pedigree dog-breeders: every periodical caters to a particular market, and that market will include a lot of your sort of person, especially if it reﬂects your tastes and values.

you laugh. On the other hand, the task of fitting yourself into a couple of lines tells a reader one important thing: how the person advertising handles a challenge. It’s easy to sound too generic— a good way to stand out is to be honest. Even if you don’t fit the perfect template we’re all held up to, different people like different things and almost everybody likes confidence. If you can present your differences Fitting into cheerfully—“Short Divorced dad seeks kind, the space bearded dork seeks funny woman for picnics Column inches love” or “Me: messy and romance. cost money, and hair, big bottom. You: your average personal into travel and hiking?” ad is only a sentence or —you’ll convey a lot more two. There are positives charm than if you play it safe. and negatives to this. On the one hand, it’s not very informative: Striking a balance someone may say they have “GSOH” Ads have to say both who you are (good sense of humor), but unless and what you want. Studies suggest you’ve actually heard their jokes, that a good ratio is 7 to 3: that is, 70 those four letters tell you pretty much percent about what you’re like, so nothing about whether they’ll make the reader can decide if you sound

appealing, and 30 percent about what you’re looking for. It’s also wise to make your “seeks” positive: a man who “seeks very slim woman,” for instance, may ﬁnd that many slim women will assume he’s shallow and pass him by. If a physical type matters that much to you, try to think of it in terms of lifestyle, like “sporty” (muscular) or “food-loving” (not skinny). Be realistic, too: if you aren’t exactly a supermodel yourself, you shouldn’t expect it of a partner. You can always ask for a picture later. Anthropology professor Douglas Raybeck describes people’s personal ads as “meta statements about the kind of person they are.” In other

2:1

Twice as many men as women describe themselves in personal ads as “honest.”

WOULD LIKE TO MEET...

35% Being discreet, personal ads are a sly way to look for action on the side: a popular but unsubstantiated statistic is that 35 percent of personal ad users are married. Whether or not that’s an accurate ﬁgure, it’s worth being aware of the possibility: if your date is cagey about their home life, take care.

ACRONYMS AT A GLANCE BBW / BHM – Big beautiful woman / Big handsome/hunky man

NSA – No strings attached VGL – Very good looking

D – Divorced DTE – Down to earth

WLTM – Would like to meet

HWP – Height and weight proportional

WTR – Willing to relocate

IPT – Is partial to

X – Extreme (usually meaning open to unusual sexual exploits)

ISO – In search of NK – No kids NS – Nonsmoker

words, what in fact, when someone says in they tried, they Mature lady seeks an ad isn’t a literal sounded slightly gentleman escort for description, but less attractive— elegant nights on the town. a portrait of their while women were values and personality. able to do so without Study other ads before you much difficulty. Exactly write your own. Which what sounds attractive in ones would you answer? Learn from a female voice can be complicated: the best and get yourself out there! studies suggest that men broadly prefer a higher-pitched voice, but Recording yourself women flirt by getting deeper and Some personal ads include the breathier to signal they’re interested. chance to record a voice message on Men were better able to sound more a dedicated line so that others can confident, but should probably leave call and listen to it before speaking sounding sultry to the ladies. to you in person. Should you try to Whatever your gender, the best sound sexy, or use your normal voice? advice is probably to try out your It probably depends on your message on a friend, then go for it gender. A study by psychology and try not to worry. Everyone is selfprofessor Susan Hughes found that conscious about their recording, but men were not very good at making the calmer you are, the better—and their voices sound more attractive— more attractive—you’ll sound.

420 / 420-FRIENDLY – Pot smoker / doesn’t mind if others are

WHAT YOU THINK THEY WANT Heterosexual lonely hearts tend to word their ads to reﬂect what convention says the opposite sex desires. A study back in 1977 found that women tended to focus on being pleasing—“outgoing,” “sense of humor,” “slim,” and “attractive” showed up a lot—while men focused on sounding solvent, using words such as “professional” or “homeowner.” Times may have changed since then, but not entirely: do the ads in your chosen publication still sound that way?

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

THE FIVE– MINUTE MILE SPEED DATING

Speed dating—an evening of short meetings with a whole roomful of potential dates, followed by introductions to “matches” who gave each other the thumbs up—is a popular singles activity. Does it work?

t may sound shallow to think you can decide whether you like someone in the few minutes speed dating allows, but in fact the idea was first proposed by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo and his wife Sue Deyo in 1999 with the goal of promoting marriage. Reasoning that young people benefited from having elders help them seek out a partner, and aware that the Western world had more or less phased out the traditional matchmaker, the Deyos set up a series of events in Los Angeles, only to have the phenomenon go worldwide. Can you decide that fast? Studies of speed dating suggest that we do, in fact, tend to decide whether we’re attracted to people pretty fast. Data collected from 10,526 people using a speed dating service found that looks were the first thing people noticed: religion, income, and personality came into play only if someone had passed on first glance. This was pretty much the same for both men and women. It’s worth remembering, though, that a speed date event is not a neutral environment: when you know you have to decide at once, in a room full of other possibilities, you may jump to conclusions more quickly than you would somewhere calmer and less artificial. The event is explicitly set up on the premise that you should sort through who interests you and who doesn’t at rapid speed, without more measured deliberation. What does this mean for romance? One lesson we might draw is this: we should be open to the possibility of unexpected compatibilities. A study

THE FIVE–MINUTE MILE by psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Raymond Fisman presented participants with questionnaires before, just after, a month after, and six months after a speed dating event, asking them to rate out of ten how important certain qualities were: ■ attractiveness ■ shared interests ■ sense of humor ■ sincerity ■ intelligence ■ ambition. The results were curious: the ﬁrst, third, and fourth questionnaires were consistent with each other, but if a

PLEASING THE LADIES? A study by Stanford University found that certain ways of talking increased a man’s chance of being rated well by a female partner. Favorite moves were: ✔ Being appreciative. (“That’s great!” “Good for you.”) ✔ Sympathizing. (“That sounds rough.”) ✔ Engaged interrupting—adding to a thought she agrees with. ✔ Keeping the questions down. Women reported that having to answer a lot of questions made it hard to keep a conversation going. ✔ Sharing stories. This can be entertaining and helps carry the conversation along. ✔ Varying the tone of your voice to show enthusiasm. A man who sounds engaged is more exciting. Are you a man thinking of going on a speed date? Be supportive, share experiences rather than asking questions, and try not to drone.

participant met someone they really liked who didn’t fit their priorities, the second questionnaire—that is, the one they filled in just after meeting this interesting stranger— would change. Now the qualities of the interesting stranger ranked higher: a dater who’d ranked humor low, for instance, would rate it as important if they’d been charmed by someone funny. Long term, though, they didn’t change these ideas (now somewhat disproven) about what they valued. In effect, meeting someone unexpectedly attractive reminded these people that their tastes were more diverse than they believed—but then they just forgot again after a while. Worth trying The implication is that we’re capable of liking a broader range of people than we think. Speed dating may or may not introduce us to our future partner—the odds of Mr. or Ms. Perfect being in any given sample of 25-odd people aren’t all that high— but if nothing else, it’s a great way to remind ourselves that there are lots of attractive people out there. If you’ve been single for a long time, a speed date can be a good way to get back into the swing of flirting and choosing in a safe environment. You may, of course, meet someone wonderful, but even if you don’t, try to enjoy yourself and see if the new experience gives your confidence a boost.

In a Stanford study, women on speed dates were more selective than men, reporting fewer times of clicking with a partner.

rotaters and sitters

Usually, women sit and men rotate from one partner to the next. In a role reversal at Northwestern University, men sitting became the picky ones and women rotating and making the approach became less selective.

3 seconds The University of Pennsylvania studied a chain of speed dating events in 2005 and found that most people made their decision within three seconds of meeting.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

DATING ON THE INTERNET THE STRANGE WORLD OF INFINITE CHOICE There’s a world of possible partners out there, but sometimes they can be hard to meet. Enter the Internet, the biggest dating scene of them all. Is it all that different from reality?

ith so much of life online, why wouldn’t we use the Internet to meet people? If you live a busy life in a settled social circle, it makes sense: everyone on a dating site is looking for love (or at least for fun), and you can meet people who might normally never cross your path.

A new chance For those of us who aren’t dating our way merrily through college, the vast scale of the Net is a real advantage: studies find that people who have a narrower market for partners—such as gay people and middle-aged heterosexuals—are particularly likely to find love online. It’s also a boon for shy people: a study published in 2014 in Computers in Human Behavior found that the biggest predictor of choosing online dating was being rejection-sensitive. Browsing an online profile is a lot less scary than walking up to someone in a bar.

A lot of people who have had bad experiences in the past are moving online: a 2006 study found that negative experiences with previous relationships tended to correlate with a positive attitude to Internet dating. Of course, this may mean some people on dating sites are thinskinned or bitter, but it also means there’s a dating pool of determined optimists who haven’t given up on love. Managing expectations Given that all the world seems to be online, it’s a good idea to consider a few notes of caution before throwing ourselves onto the Net. Dating sites do increase the number of people we can meet, but they don’t guarantee a perfect partner; if you’re determined to ﬁnd love, keep your eyes open ofﬂine as well as on. The sheer numbers can also be unsettling. Online relationships tend to be shorter because expectations are

higher: the shopping list effect can damage our ability to compromise, leading us to reject quite attractive people in the hope that there’s someone better out there, or getting overwhelmed and blaming ourselves if we don’t ﬁnd a perfect match. On the other hand, as UK Internet psychologist Graham Jones remarks,

FEELING TOO OLD TO DATE ONLINE? Think again. Older daters are taking to the Internet with great success. The main difference between your age group and younger people is that older people tend to be pickier. Especially women—after nurturing kids or a career, for example, if you've ﬁnally gained some freedom, why give that up for a less-than-wonderful partner? If someone does seem right, though, older daters are willing to travel farther to meet them. As the International Journal of Aging and Human Development reports, older Internet daters are eager to meet the right person, but not desperate to meet just anyone.

DATING ON THE INTERNET In 2014, estimates for the annual revenue from the US online dating industry ranged from $1.25 billion to $2.1 billion.

1 in 3 $2.1 In the US in 2013, one third of marriages that year were found to have begun online; those couples reported slightly greater satisfaction than the others and were slightly less likely to divorce.

52% billion

30% 40 million 61%

30 percent of heterosexual couples in the US meet online.

48%

In the US, with around 54 million single people, 40 million have tried online dating—whether they’re all single is another matter.

61 percent of same-sex couples in the US meet online.

Numbers are pretty evenly split when it comes to men and women searching online: a US estimate in 2014 was 52.4 percent men, 47.6 percent women.

“Because people are seeing more fish in the sea, their final chosen date is much more likely to get more commitment.” In short, online dating sites can be a mind-bender, so it’s important to stay sane and remember that the aim is to find someone you like rather than prove something about yourself as a person. On the positive side, there's one great advantage: you know that

whoever you see on a dating site deﬁnitely is looking to meet someone. That removes the heart-crushing anxiety of wondering whether you’re about to hit on someone who turns out to be unavailable. As new media psychologist and researcher Catalina Toma puts it, “Online daters are a self-selected group, who have decided to invest time, energy, effort, and often money (for paid sites) into ﬁnding a romantic partner. Therefore,

their motivation to build satisfying relationships may be higher.” From building an online profile to meeting a date, handling Internet romance is a definite skill, which we’ll discuss in detail over the next few pages. If you do find someone who suits you, though, statistics suggest your relationship will be a good one.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

SIGNING UP ONLINE CREATING A PROFILE

We all want to be loved for ourselves, but with only a photo and proﬁle how do we present ourselves to catch someone's eye? And with so much choice out there, how far can we trust computers as matchmakers?

he number-one rule when it comes to creating a dating site proﬁle is this: you’re advertising yourself, and you want to advertise to the right “customers.” Dating sites run on algorithms that recommend people to each other based on the data they enter, but since computers can’t understand or interpret the information they process, you should see the proﬁle you create for yourself as manipulating the algorithm rather than being at its mercy. What is an algorithm? Put simply, an algorithm is a means of solving a mathematical problem through a step-by-step, repeatable process. On dating sites, the problem is feeding a computer program a limited amount of information about complex human beings and matching them up with others who might, based on that information, be compatible. The trouble is, we can’t feed our everyday behavior into a questionnaire. The data we’re asked for tends to be about our tastes, life, and values. As social psychologist Eli Finkel points out, “The strongest predictors of relationship well-being, such as a couple’s interaction style and ability to navigate stressful circumstances, cannot be assessed with such data.” Compared with traditional, human matchmakers, computers are a little short on intuition and common sense—they do exactly what you tell them and no more. Honest but positive To beat the algorithms, successful users present an ideal, but not an inaccurate, version of themselves. Online daters are aware that it’s easy to lie on a website, and are usually

SIGNING UP ONLINE HOW TO BREAK IT DOWN Wondering how to present yourself? An American study of 294 participants (both gay and heterosexual) found you could group your priorities in a partner into three broad categories: physical, personality, and lifestyle. Your photo will take care of the ﬁrst, so try keeping your proﬁle focused on the other two.

Lifestyle: whether a person shares the viewer’s habits and values.

Physical: whether a person looks attractive to the viewer.

ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME?

Personality: whether a person seems emotionally compatible with the viewer.

disappointed or annoyed if a first date reveals someone who looks and acts nothing like the profile that caught their eye. Photos need to be recent and information needs to be truthful; after all, you’ll quickly get found out if you actually meet up. That said, a profile is not the place to be selfdeprecating: people usually browse quickly and if you don’t think you’re a catch, they may take your word for

it and move on. Present your best self: that’s the custom in online dating, and that’s what browsing suitors will expect to see. Online dating offers a dizzying array of options that can be daunting if you’re new to the scene, but a positive proﬁle, a ﬂattering photo, and a thick skin can work wonders. Turn the page for some tips on photos and on picking the right site for you.

TIPS FOR DATING BY NUMBERS In a popular TED talk, digital strategist Amy Webb describes how she found a partner online by creating a database:

1 2 3

Create a list of the values you look for in a mate—attitudes to family or faith, aspirations, etc. Rank these in order of priority, and give each of them a score based on their importance to you. Create a scoring system: for Amy, 700 points meant “Contact,” 900 meant “Go on a date,” 1,500 meant “Consider the possibility of a long-term relationship.”

For proﬁles, Amy found it pays to: ■

Keep the proﬁle short (100 words on average) but well written.

■

Stick to key information rather than wasting space on superﬁcial data points like favorite movies.

■

Use words that sound optimistic and approachable, such as “fun,” “love,” “like,” and “enjoy.”

■

E-mail during daytime hours, and leave a reasonable amount of time between contacts: about a day (the same sort of time you'd leave between phone calls, for example).

■

Use a ﬂattering photo—not allrevealing, but attractive and sexy.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

SO WHAT’S A GOOD PHOTO? Obviously you want to be wearing ﬂattering clothes and standing somewhere fun (your true love probably won’t be ready to see you in your tattered PJs and messy living room just yet), but there are a few good tips to bear in mind.

Picking a site Internet dating costs money: a 2014 estimate found that the average US customer spent $239 per year—which is probably less than you’d spend on drinks while cruising bars, but still, no small sum. How much you can afford will likely influence how many sites you sign up on. If you need to be selective, you will probably want to research the companies, since some sites cater to specific demographics and others have specific values that may or may not reflect your own.

Keep it real. The human eye is very good at spotting the difference between a social smile, where just the mouth muscles are working, and a real smile, which reaches the eyes. If you faked a smile for the photo, people can probably tell, and it risks making you look phony. Use a photo that shows you really enjoying yourself.

A good test is to fill in a dating site’s questionnaire: you don’t have to post the profile if you decide against the site, but the kinds of questions it asks you will give you strong hints as to what it expects its customers to care about. Online dating isn’t a completely neutral zone—the halo effect (see opposite) still holds true when it comes to profile pictures—but remember that an honest but positive profile, an engaging photo, and a thick skin can work wonders.

Get the eyes right. A straight gaze looks assertive, while gazing down at the camera looks dominant and gazing up looks submissive. Looking slightly at an angle is often the friendliest. Whichever option you choose, it's best to avoid extremes.

$239 In the US, the average online dating customer spends $239 per year using dating sites.

SIGNING UP ONLINE

Think body language. The more space your body occupies, the more confident you look. Likewise, the stiller you are, the more formal you seem, and possibly the more confident (think of a king gazing thoughtfully from his throne). If you’re making a gesture, or the wind’s blowing your hair, you look lively and playful— that’s great as long as it’s real. Again, people are good at detecting artificiality. (For more on body language, see pages 112–115.)

Like your photographer. Avoid using selﬁes, which often come out looking either vain or self-conscious. There are lots of studios offering photos— and videos—that look attractive but natural. Talk to the photographer before you commit, to make sure they put you at ease, because that's how you want to look on the site. For a cheaper option, ask a close friend to go somewhere nice with you and snap away. Make the trip as fun and companionable as possible—when there’s someone you love behind the camera, you’ll give it an affectionate look, and people are more likely to think, “I want that person to look at me like that!”

THE HALO EFFECT STRIKES AGAIN Attractive people are considered by others to have many positive qualities—remember the halo effect on page 44? In a study reported in 2012, 50 women rated 100 dating photos and texts taken from men’s proﬁles on a popular dating site. The results showed that men with attractive photos wrote texts that were rated as more attractive. It seems individuals with attractive proﬁle photos are viewed more favorably overall, but no research has yet established whether they indeed have more positive qualities.

SAFE SITES

BEWARE THE SCAMS Sadly not everyone on a dating site is looking for love, so you need to protect your wallet as well as your heart. Scammers trawl the Net looking for trusting souls to wheedle money out of. If someone seems to send you contradictory information (they’re 24 years old, but they’ve been a doctor for 15

years; they live in a house—no wait, an apartment), be careful. Above all, never send money. They want to visit you but can’t afford the ticket? Then why were they talking with someone who didn’t live anywhere near them? Dating site scammers are horrible people; don’t let yourself be taken in.

Not all dating sites are ethical: read their terms and conditions and check their billing practices before you give them any details. Also, use search engines to check their reputation: sites such as onlinedatingmagazine.com and Ripoff Report may help you spot which ones you should avoid.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

JUST A CLICK AWAY STARTING A CONVERSATION So, someone’s proﬁle has caught your eye, and you think they might be worth approaching. Or you get a like for your proﬁle. How do you go from virtual window-shopping to an actual conversation?

hen it comes to meeting someone on a dating site, the transition from admiring their picture to ﬁrst making contact can be a bit of a leap. Some sites make things easier by having a “like” or a “wink” function, so you can tell the online matchmaker that you someone has caught your eye and see if they like you back before you put yourself out there. If you’re shy, that can be an excellent way to start things, but on other sites you need to send just a short message. Shopping around The best way to protect yourself psychologically is to regard the dating site as an experimental zone. You don’t really know someone from a proﬁle, and they don’t know you either. If you put out a feeler and they don’t respond, look at it as an experiment that didn’t pan out rather than a personal rejection: everyone

The whole point is to try and establish that you have things to talk about, so if the other person isn’t really talking, there’s only so far you can go with that. “Christie” Internet dater

How to start talking If your initial greeting or theirs receives a response, how do you get things going? On most dating sites you make a comment on something in their profile and see if it starts a conversation: savvy Internet daters sometimes even include things in their profile specifically to give others the opportunity to mention them. Verbal chemistry is like physical chemistry: either it happens or it doesn’t. If the person looks good on their profile but you can’t get the conversation going, chances are they’d bore you in real life, so there’s no point worrying about them. There are so many people on a dating site that the speed of dismissal in the early stages is very fast: don’t take it personally when it happens to you, and don’t hesitate to cut things off when someone doesn’t appeal to you.

Brakes off! Remember this: online, we tend to has idiosyncratic preferences, and you get more blunt and impulsive. In just didn’t happen to have or show 2004, psychologist John whatever particular thing they were Suler described looking for. Even a like or a brief six factors I just want casual message is best treated as an act of that create sex—interested? curiosity rather than hope, since you’ll the online probably have to send quite a lot of disinhibition them before you click with someone. effect:

JUST A CLICK AWAY

TOP THREE MIXED BLESSING APPROACHES Everyone is looking for something to say, and original comments stand out. Some approaches may seem like a good idea, but it’s worth weighing the pros and cons.

Example

Approach

Pro

Con

Plain physical compliment

“Hey, looking good, how are you?”

If you both just want a casual hook-up, this can help cut to the chase.

If you want a deeper relationship, it sounds shallow and forward.

Spotting a shared interest

“That’s my favorite movie, too!”

If you ﬁnd you have interesting things to say about this, it can be a way of connecting.

A shared taste doesn’t mean compatibility: if the conversation doesn’t quickly turn into something more than, “Yes, we both like this,” it grows dull.

Being quirky

“What would you do if you met a walrus?”

This has the advantage of not being crass—and if you’re funny, it can turn into a game.

Being deliberately random can feel strained, and if it doesn’t quickly turn into conversation, it’s irritating.

Dissociative anonymity. What you do online doesn’t connect to your ofﬂine self.

■

Invisibility. You can’t see someone’s face when you say something to them, so you don’t feel your effect on them.

■

Asynchronicity. The gap between what you say and when someone hears it makes the Net a somewhere-and-nowhere land.

■

Solipsistic introjection. When the only person in the conversation actually present is yourself, everyone else’s thoughts and feelings are guesswork.

■

Dissociative imagination. Nothing feels quite real.

At its most extreme, the effect is well observed in trolls and harassers, but with dating, think of it this way: how someone reacts to having no rules tells you something important about them. Sit back and observe with a shrewd eye—and, of course, try not to forget your own manners. It’s not always easy if somone upsets you. Internet comments can feel as if they’re coming from out of the clear blue sky, and if the clear blue sky tells you "Ugh, not dating you," that hurts your conﬁdence. Remind yourself that even if you couldn’t see their face, it was just one individual—and resolve to save your attention for people who deserve it.

■

Minimizing of authority. No one’s in charge, so you can get away with things.

PLAYING THE FIELD Trying not to lose it? Think of Internet dating as a game, not as real romance. Child psychologists have long observed that the best way to make something seem safe is to say “This is play.” If people can be ruder online because of the not-quite-real quality, you can take advantage of that same unreality to cushion your feelings. You’re not laying your heart on the line: you’re a detective searching for clues. Matches that don’t pan out are red herrings, not painful rejections, so don’t be distracted by them for long.

YOU CAN ASSESS

COMPATIBILITY

BETTER IN 10 MINUTES OF

FACE-TO-FACE TIME

THAN 100 HOURS

OF PROFILE BROWSING

ELI FINKEL, PROFESSOR OF SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY, NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

FROM PROFILE TO PERSON TURNING A CHAT INTO A DATE

eing able to talk to someone is a key sign of compatiblity, and online chatting is a safe, low-stress way of getting started. If you can’t think of anything to say to each other in a chat forum, you’ll probably struggle face to face. That said, someone’s writing persona is not necessarily a guide to their reallife one: people can be positively smooth while writing and rather shy in person. Making the transition from chatting to meeting can seem like a big deal— but is it? When to meet? If it can be helpful to treat an online connection as an experiment, the same is true when moving to a ﬁrst date. You may choose not to date anyone who doesn’t meet a certain standard, but many online daters argue you should move to a real-life date as soon as it

FEELING EXTROVERTED?

You’ve seen a nice-looking proﬁle, and its owner seems to like you back. At what point do you decide to take the plunge and move from chatting online to meeting in person? And how do you handle the ﬁrst date?

Online dating isn’t just for the shy: lots of extroverts who haven’t met the right person yet are also surﬁng for love. If that sounds like you, a safety tip: a 2013 study found that female students at a university in the Midwest were less likely to plan self-protective strategies for meeting someone from a dating site than someone they’d met in real life—and the more extroverted they were, the fewer strategies they planned. (Added to this, they all tended to plan more precautions than they actually took.) If you have an outgoing nature, make sure you’re covered for the worst-case scenario as well as the best.

FROM PROFILE TO PERSON

Is this person right for me?

becomes clear you have things in common—half a dozen exchanged messages is a good yardstick. Sooner than that is risky; a person who pushes for a date after only one or two exchanged comments may be a person who’s more into the idea of a relationship in general than you in particular. Past that point, though, it's probably time to talk about meeting. Why move forward? A first date from an online chat is not the same as a first date from someone you met at a party and spent all night talking to: it’s not so much continuing a brand new acquaintance Let’s meet. as conducting an audition. This person may look nice online, but do they really look like their photo? Do they have nice manners in person? And are they looking for a relationship, or just a flirty night out? You can only find out by meeting, and the longer you invest in online chat, the harder it is to walk away if they turn out to be disappointing in reality. The key point about meeting is this: the person we think we want and the person we’ll happily date may be two different things. A 2008 study by Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick found that we browse dating sites using joint evaluation mode— comparing everyone to everyone else based on factors such as income and looks—but we date using separate evaluation mode, asking ourselves, “Is this person right for me?” That’s

TOP TIPS FOR THE SUPER-CAUTIOUS If you like the look of someone but want to do a bit of preparation, here are a few ideas to keep you on the right side between being careful and a stalker: ✔ Research the site. Make sure you’re using a dating site that works for you: if you don’t feel comfortable there, you probably won’t match well with people who do. ✔ Reverse image search. Looking at a new prospect's proﬁle picture? Download it and use a reverse image search engine. If that shot of them dancing in a beautiful ﬁeld with friends pops up on the web page for some nutty cult’s summer festival, at least now you know. ✔ Verify exciting claims. Has your prospect said they worked or studied somewhere fabulous? If so, ask for a few details, such as which directors or instructors impressed them most, and then check their names online to see if those people actually did work or teach at the place as you’ve been told.

the question that’s really going to affect the relationship. Unless your new date picks your pocket or punches a waiter, it may be a good idea to give them more than one try: you still don’t know each other very well, and giving a chance to somebody unlike your usual type can turn out for the best. Most online daters have some entertaining stories from the period before they met their true love, so keep your spirits up, meet the ones you like, and treat it as a test of who’s good enough for you, not who you’re good enough for.

✔ Check the IP address. There are online tutorials on how to do this, and it’s a good way to check if someone’s e-mailing from where they say they are. ✔ Disagreement is good. Rude contradiction, no; polite disagreement, yes. If someone agrees with absolutely everything you say, they may not be entirely honest. Try saying a few things that slightly contradict what you or they have said previously: if they still agree, that should raise an eyebrow. ✔ As always, watch out for pressure. They want you to move off the safe chat site, give your personal details, do or reveal stuff you’re not comfortable with? Say no, and if they won’t accept that, forget them. ✔ Listen to your instincts. If something feels wrong, it very probably is: remember, you’re not stupid. If in doubt, it's best to cut communication and move on to someone you feel comfortable with.

The key point about meeting is this: the person we think we want to date and the person we'll happily date may be two different things.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

KEEPING IT SAFE MEETING UP IN COMFORT

ost people using online sites or speed-dating events to meet dates are perfectly nice, normal individuals who (like you) happen to be taking advantage of modern matchmakers to ﬁnd a partner they can treat with kindness and respect. If you’re unlucky, though, you may encounter someone who is online because they’re trawling for victims. Neither men nor women have the monopoly on emotional instability, so it’s wise to be a little careful no matter how big and strong you are: a small person can make big trouble if they’re really off the rails.

KEEP YOUR DETAILS LIMITED

Whether you’ve met online, through a personal ad, or by a speed-date connection, there’s one thing you both have in common: you’re dating someone you don’t know very well. How best to protect yourself?

■

Whether you’re still just chatting or already planning a ﬁrst date, don’t give your full name yet; just a ﬁrst name will do for starters.

■

Give your cell phone number rather than your landline—that makes it harder for someone to trace your home address.

■

Use a separate e-mail address set up at an anonymous public account. It’s harder to trace, and also gives you the option of shutting it down without too much inconvenience if someone really won’t stop e-mailing you.

■

Don’t discuss travel plans. At this stage, all they need to know is whether you can make it to the date, not how you’re going to get there or where you’re starting from.

KEEPING IT SAFE BEWARE THE LYING, TWO-TIMING CHEAT

MEET SAFE ■

Meet somewhere public, preferably in daylight.

■

For preference, meet somewhere you pay for food and drinks in advance, such as a coffee shop or a bar. That way, you don’t have to take time to settle the bill if you want to make a quick getaway.

■

Travel by your own means: drive, if that’s feasible, or take public transportation. A date who picks you up from your house knows where you live. Pay for your own food or drinks. True, a burger and a beer do not equal a sexual promise, but just in case you’re meeting a person who has unreasonable expectations, stay as little indebted as possible.

Some people aren’t physically dangerous but can still mess you up. They’re married, looking for free sex, and know you won’t sleep with them if they tell you the truth. Watch out for the person who: ■

Wants your number but won’t give you theirs.

■

Only ever calls or meets at odd times of day, or else very ﬁxed times, as if they have to sneak around to do it.

■

Insists on meeting in out-of-the-way places, as if they’re afraid of running into someone they know.

■

Is vague about their family life.

■

Never seems to be available on the weekends.

FIND A FRIEND ■

Let a trusted friend know where you’re going, who you’re meeting, and when you expect to be back.

■

Use the silent alarm system: if you haven’t called by the agreed time, your friend should call you and, if there’s no reply, assume something is wrong and call the police.

■

In case you can’t get away, agree on a coded alarm. If you call your friend, say everything’s ﬁne, but slip the word peachy into your call or “By the way, could you feed my cat?” it’s a sign that you need help but aren’t free to say so. If your date shows any displeasure at you for calling a friend to say you’re safe, it’s probably time to leave. A date with good intentions will support your right to feel safe.

BE PREPARED ■

■

Chances are, you won’t be jumping into bed on the ﬁrst date—it’s not a good idea, anyway—but just in case, be ready to play safe. Bring condoms, to help guard against STDs, and if you’re a woman using hormonal contraception, make sure you’re up-to-date with it. Remember not to delete any correspondence between you and your prospective date until you’re sure they’re okay. Likewise, if a date really does worry you, keep a record of what they did and said. In the unlikely event you end up wanting to take out a restraining order, the more evidence you have, the better. (If that sounds a bit extreme, see the statistics on page 93.)

BE ALERT Trust your own instincts. Watch for the signs of a dangerous partner (see pages 156–157 for how to spot an abuser), and be particularly wary of a date who: ■

Pushes you to agree to more than you’re comfortable with—even if it’s just an extra drink.

■

Doesn’t listen when you say “No, thank you.”

■

Is unhappy if you set limits.

■

Wants to go somewhere isolated.

■

Uses little microaggressions to test what you’ll put up with.

■

Makes negative generalizations (“You’re probably a bit uptight”) that effectively challenge you to prove they're wrong by giving them what they want.

■

Seems to have a bad attitude toward the opposite sex.

■

Has two sides to them (is nice to you, say, but mean to the waiter).

■

Tells a lot of stories about how hard their life has been.

■

Seems oddly volatile.

■

Is cagey or vague in response to reasonable questions.

■

Acts offended that you don’t trust them right away, before they’ve given you reason to do so.

■

Assumes you’ve promised something you haven’t.

■

Makes you nervous for reasons you can’t quite explain.

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT MEETING THROUGH FRIENDS We all know couples who met through friends, but are you starting to give up on that ever happening to you? It might still be worth a try—introductions through mutual friends have a good record of success.

hile other methods of meeting people rise and fall, introductions through mutual friends remain one of the most popular. It makes a lot of sense: we’re usually friends with people we like, and the chances of liking a friend of a friend are higher than the odds of liking a complete stranger. We’re more likely to marry someone who shares our socioeconomic background; we’re also all wary about the possibility of dating a potential stalker or lunatic, and a stamp of approval from our friends makes a stranger seem less likely to turn out to be dangerous. All in all, introduction through friends is a solid way to meet new people. Party, party, party If you don’t want to ask someone to play matchmaker (see pages 92–93), what are your choices? Your best bet is probably to make a serious commitment to socializing: do not, unless you’re ill or prebooked, turn

down any invitations to social events. You’ve had a long week and you want to veg out? Go to the party, the barbeque, the concert. You’ll be tired, and some of the events may not appeal, especially if you’re shy or introverted (see pages 36–37), so make sure you build in some fun and rest for yourself in between, but keep at it. Your friends’ single friends may also be going to the same events on the same logic, and the more gatherings you join, the more likely you are to meet the right person. I like the look of you… If you do meet someone through your social circle, what then? When and how do you make the move? This can be a serious calculation. If they’re someone who’s going to be at a lot of events in the future, you can take more time to get to know them; but beware of getting into a safe pattern of seeing them regularly and never quite getting up the courage to make a move, especially if you aren’t sure

they return your feelings (see pages 68–69). On the other hand, if you’re in different social circles and this particular combination of friends is a one-time thing, you may need to move as quickly as you would at a chance encounter (see pages 66–67). The great advantage of meeting through friends is that you share a common milieu. The disadvantage is that it’s easy to get your intentions

Friends are the people we are closest to, the people we spend the most time with as adults, and therefore the people most likely to introduce us to others that we might be interested in. Michael J. Rosenfeld Sociologist, Stanford University

HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

IS THAT THE TIME? Are you tired of socializing and beginning to feel it’s not worth the effort? With events you’d rather not go to, plan on using some time limits to keep things manageable.

5 minutes: If you’ve been talking to a new person for ﬁve minutes and the conversation doesn’t feel natural yet, it’s time to move on.

15 minutes: If you can talk to someone this long without the time dragging, this could be someone worth getting to know.

30 minutes: If you’re on the lookout for romance but get chatting to people you already know, try to circulate every half hour to make sure you meet everyone.

60 minutes: If you’re tired and you’ve said hello to old friends and made sure there are no romantic prospects to be found, this is a respectable time to excuse yourself and go home.

misread. Anything but the clearest overtures can be taken as a sign that you’re just interested in making a new friend. Exactly how you can negotiate your way around that will depend a lot on the customs and assumptions of your social group. As a general rule, though, you should never assume that because you share friends you don’t need to be proactive. You will have to make your wishes clear at some point! Meeting through friends can seem beautifully easy when it happens, but sometimes it doesn’t happen without a push. If no one’s turned up yet, don’t despair: sometimes luck just needs a little added persistence.

45 minutes: If you and a new person have been talking nonstop for 45 minutes and you’re still enjoying yourself, time to start dropping hints that you’re available.

ENOUGH FRIENDS? If going to all those parties is a hassle, there’s some good news: navigating a large and complex social circle may expand the social skills parts of your brain. Oxford neuroscientist MaryAnn Noonan compares it to singing in harmony with others: “the brain is … changing and optimizing to reﬂect your needs.” So seeing more people platonically might also make you even more skillful when you start a romance!

30% In 2012, at least 30 percent of straight couples in the US had met through friends.

10% Even on the Internet, friendship can make a difference: in the US, almost 10 percent of couples who met online had been part of the same circle years before, and reconnected through a social media site.

How popular are you? According to sociologist Scott Feld’s friendship paradox, your friends are (on average) more popular than you, no matter who you are. Some people have lots of friends. People with lots of friends are more likely to be friends with you because they’re friends with everyone. If you have 10 friends, and 9 of them have 10 friends of their own, but 1 has 100, then on average your friends have 19 friends. The odds of meeting someone through friends look better than you think!

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

HEY, HAVE YOU MET…? WHEN FRIENDS PLAY MATCHMAKER

Do your friends think they know the perfect person for you and want you two to meet? Their idea of perfect may not be yours—and a blind date may or may not be your idea of fun—but it’s probably worth a try.

o you keep ﬁnding yourself seated opposite someone single? A lot of people like to introduce their friends by bringing them together and sitting back to see if they hit it off. As a low-key method of introduction, it doesn’t place too much pressure on anyone, and if nothing comes of it, then no one loses face. If friends do it too often without consulting you, though, it can start to get annoying: sometimes you just want to have a good time without worrying about your romantic future, and too much unpredictability can start to wear down your enjoyment in your social life—the last thing you need if your love life is on hold. If your friends are going overboard, you probably need to have a polite word with them: platonic friendships can be crucial to your happiness as you look for romance (see pages 38– 39), and sometimes you just need a safe space. That said, the occasional attractive stranger being trailed across your path does no harm, so see what balance you’re comfortable with.

Matchmakers may be proud that they have the social acumen to recognize a social link that others hadn’t. Lalin Anik Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business

HEY, HAVE YOU MET…? The open introduction When introductions are agreed upon ahead of time, you can prepare yourself accordingly. Meeting someone your friends are sure is “perfect for you!” carries its own awkwardness: you and your friends may feel disappointed if nothing comes of it. On the other hand, being brought together in the company of mutual friends means that you can drift apart and still have a good time if nothing sparks—you just go back to talking to your friends. Above all, your friends might be right: if they have the good taste to like you, their taste in romantic prospects may be good, too. The blind date If you’re considering a blind date, a set-up through friends is the safest way to go. They can vouch, one hopes, for your date not being an axmurderer (though you should never assume it’s entirely safe—see below). There are also social advantages:

if your date sees you through the restaurant window and doesn’t like the look of you, they’re less free to take the disgracefully rude option of ﬂeeing with no explanation. A blind date can be fun, too— there’s nothing like the element of surprise to add a little spark when a stranger walks in—and if it’s set up through mutual friends, there’s a good chance you’ll both try to enjoy the evening even if you don’t ﬁnd yourselves attracted. It may or may not turn into romance, but you may get a new friend out of it. And if you’re looking for feedback about your dating skills (see pages 40–41), it’s a good opportunity to ask your mutual friend to quiz your date about you, and then present you with a (suitably sugar-coated) rundown of your hits and misses. Friends don’t know everything, of course, but they do have our best interests at heart. If they want to set you up with someone, take a chance and have some fun with it. After all, you never know.

AMONG FRIENDS? It’s never wise to presume a date is safe just because you were set up by people you trust: they don’t know everything about either of you, and date rape is more common that most of us like to believe. A rape study by psychologists and violence experts David Lisak and Paul M. Miller revealed some appalling facts and ﬁgures in 2002: ■

6% of the men questioned (120 out of 1,882 college students) admitted to rape or attempted rape, without actually using the word rape in describing the acts—they talked of “having sexual intercourse” by

means of “physical force” or “even if they did not want to.” ■

63% of rapists were repeat offenders.

■

30% of rapists admitted using physical force.

■

“Nonviolent” rapists deliberately used alcohol to weaken their target.

If friends set you up, your best advice is to choose a friend from a different social circle to be your silent alarm, just in case (see page 89). That way they’ll have no conﬂict of loyalties.

Matchmaking brings its own rewards. In 2014, researchers found the more unlikely the match, the happier the matchmaker. Whether we're seeking romantic relationships for ourselves or for others, we're born to connect!

3 in 10

Three in 10 of us still ask our friends to set us up, say analysts Mintel, but that’s matched by the three in 10 who use free dating sites to ﬁnd a partner.

THE SPY WHO MIGHT LOVE ME If friends set you up with someone, you can almost certainly ﬁnd out what they look like, at least, through a quick Internet search. If you like the look of them, it’s probably best not to delve too deeply into their privacy since that might create some sticky situations later. It’s worth remembering, though, that some people don’t photograph or write well, so an unappealing proﬁle online doesn’t necessarily mean an unappealing person: unless they seem truly awful, you might give them a chance. They may be checking you out, too, so don’t leave anything too embarrassing within easy reach of an Internet search!

CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH

NEXT TIME LUCKY? DATING AFTER DIVORCE Divorce can knock your spirits down to a low point. If you thought your romantic life was settled, only to ﬁnd yourself back out on the dating scene, how do you maintain your conﬁdence?

ew things can hurt your faith in yourself like the ending of a marriage. Even if the split was amicable, the sense of failure can haunt you, and if things ended badly you may be nursing some serious emotional wounds. It’s hard to feel conﬁdent after a breakup, especially if you’re feeling older and less attractive than you did the last time you were single. Getting back out there in search of a new partner can take considerable courage.

30–45

When do most people reenter the scene? In the US the average age for divorce is 32 for men and 30 for women. In the UK, it’s 45 for men and 42 for women.

How are you coping? If your ex-partner ignored you or put you down, you're probably feeling pretty low. You may want to try some of the self-compassion exercises on pages 56–57. If things were really messy, you might also try ﬁnding a sympathetic therapist to talk to. Empirically speaking, time can be a healer for many of us. In a 2011 study of 100 women divorced within the past year, Indian psychologist Bharti Sharma found that all of the women suffered emotional strain after their divorce—especially the older participants, aged 30 to 40—but all of them reported better mental health as time passed. And a Utah study published in Health Care for Women International in 2002 found that 75 percent of the 95 women interviewed felt their lives had improved in the 10 years since their marriage had ended, though men and women are likely to feel pretty raw if the divorce is recent.

Keep your friends close Loss of a marriage can involve loss of a community, or at least a divided social group. Holding on to positive connections is important for staying psychologically healthy. In 2007, a report from Ohio in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage found that keeping a network of friends helped promote positive adjustment, while speciﬁc close friendships were best for buffering against maladjustment—to stop you from going off the rails. Friends, though, may feel divided loyalties, which— since most people meet partners through friends— can be awkward when you’re looking for someone new. It may be best, post divorce, to view your friends as emotional support and to move outside your social circle to ﬁnd a new romantic prospect. Learning from experience One thing divorce certainly can teach you is what you don’t want in a relationship. A 2004 study by Debora Schneller and Joyce Arditti at Virginia Tech found that most divorcees were clear that a new relationship should have qualities that were missing in their marriage—

NEXT TIME LUCKY? DON’T SELL YOURSELF SHORT Economics professor David Anderson suggests that we date based on “social pricing”: we adjust our standards for a new partner based on what we consider our own value to be. Divorce can lower how we price ourselves, which means we may be less picky. There’s no reason not to give someone unexpected a chance, but don’t value yourself too low: if you’re feeling undesirable, take some time before dating again, to build up your conﬁdence and to remind yourself that you deserve someone who makes you happy.

particularly greater equality, more expressive communication, and better conﬂict resolution. They were more worried about relationships breaking down, but more clear that they wouldn’t settle for less than they needed. Schneller also found that people often saw divorce as a catalyst for growth: “Because divorce still carries some stigma in our society, divorce provided a challenge to create positive meanings from this experience.” Women tended to feel more assertive postdivorce, while men tended to feel more egalitarian: divorce can be a chance to shake off some stereotypes, which is a lesson you carry forward into new relationships. Divorce is seldom a happy experience at the time, but if you feel ready for a new relationship, it’s comforting to reﬂect that you may well have some greater wisdom and higher standards to take with you as you get back out in the world and try again.

SIGNS IT’S TOO SOON Sometimes you (or your date) might need a little longer before you’re really ready for a fresh start. Watch out for these red flags: ✖ Still in love with the ex. Some feelings may linger, but if you compare every new date to your ex or if you just can’t stop thinking about them, you need to clear your mental decks. ✖ Still bitter about the ex. If it was a rough divorce, it’s natural to be angry, especially if you are still negotiating over children or property. Feeling mad, on the other hand, is not a good place to begin a new relationship. ✖ Still feel like half of a pair. Identities can merge in marriage. The time to start dating again is when you’ve refreshed your memory of who you are as an individual. ✖ Don’t trust people. That said, if you find yourself thinking “all men/ women are shallow” or “all the good ones are married,” you need to tackle that negative thinking: it’s up to you to fix it, not a new partner to disprove it. To help with that, you might like to try a little CBT—see pages 24–25 for tips on how to start. ✖ Can’t imagine being alone. It’s a shock to find yourself single, of course, but if you can’t bear to imagine being by yourself for a while, you’re liable to grasp at any new prospect even if they aren’t right for you. If that sounds like you, give yourself a break and (turning back to pages 54– 57) treat yourself to some self-compassion.

FEELING READY? How do you know it’s a good time for you to get back out there and start looking for a new relationship? ✔ You feel good about yourself as an individual. As the University of Texas psychologist William Swann points out, we tend to choose the most supportive companions when we feel we deserve them. ✔ It feels possible. If you’re not ready, often “the very idea turns you off,” as American therapist Susan Pease Gadoua puts it. If dating is starting to feel doable, it probably is. ✔ You’ve found your new normal. Once the property’s divided, your living space is resolved, and the dust has settled, you can approach meeting others and dating from a position of greater assurance. ✔ You feel able to handle some adventure. Any dating involves leaving your comfort zone: it’s a good sign if you're up for some fun and ready to face a challenge.

Dip in a toe at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you’re interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties. Diana Kirschner Psychologist and author of Love in 90 Days

CHAPTER 3

DATING MAKING IT WORK

CHAPTER 3 : DATING

PICKING A WINNER THE FIRST DATE However you meet, once it gets to the ﬁrst date it’s just you, your date, and your expectations. If you are clear about what you're looking for, you stand the best chance of spotting early on who really deserves you.

nless your first meeting with someone was one of those rare occasions where you had so much to say to each other that a first official date feels more like the continuation of something than the start of it, the first date is a process of mutual experiment. You’ll be spending the evening or afternoon with someone you like the look of but don’t know very well. It can be a good idea, then, to be sure you understand your own feelings clearly: they’re your guide when it comes to deciding whether this date is worth following up. Are you seeing what’s there? Remember self-verification (pages 32– 33), the process by which we tend to seek out people who confirm our selfimage, even if that means preferring people who don’t actually like us? This concept can be very useful for learning from our past patterns in

romance. When it comes to checking out a new date, there’s another, complementary concept that’s equally useful: confirmation bias. Put simply, this is our tendency to be selective when it comes to collecting evidence. While self-verification leads us to choose evidence that confirms our self-image, confirmation bias is broader: we choose to notice things that confirm what we wish to believe. This isn’t confined to interpersonal dynamics: politicians favor evidence that supports their agenda; writers and thinkers notice examples of their worldview more readily than counterexamples; psychologists remember the case studies that support their theories better (which is why studies have to have controls). When it comes to dating, too, there’s something important to remember: you are going into this date with some very strong wishes.

What do you want? If you’re looking for a committed romantic relationship and you find your date attractive, it can be tempting to ignore signs that they aren’t interested in commitment— and to exaggerate hints that they might be. Conversely, if you want to take things slowly and your date is very attentive, chances are that your brain will prompt you to shy away from—or selectively overlook— any talk of commitment. Attraction to someone unsuitable can get us all into trouble on occasion, and confirmation bias is one big reason why. If we want someone, we want to believe things will work out—and we don’t always spot the signs to the contrary. It’s important, then, to sort out in your own mind what you hope for in this date. Of course, your hopes may be reasonable—and being excited about someone is an important part of a healthy relationship. You may find you’re on surer ground, though, if you can be clear that the promising signs you see when you first meet really are there. Try the exercises opposite to help put your confirmation bias in its place.

PICKING A WINNER

CONFIRMATION BIAS The brain is prone to noticing, retaining, prioritizing, and recollecting information that conﬁrms what it already believes. We think we have evidence to support our opinions, and we do: it’s just that we’re good at overlooking the evidence against them. This bias can start at any of the levels below, and spread to the others.

Looking only for evidence that conﬁrms our ideas rather than testing them against counterevidence

Taking the evidence that agrees with our ideas more seriously than the evidence that disagrees

Biased search

Biased interpretation

WHAT ARE YOU CONFIRMING? Before you go on your ﬁrst date, try completing this checklist of what you want. Write down your hopes and put them somewhere safe so you can go over them after the date. ■

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Immediately after the date—assuming that you and your date haven’t ended up in bed or run off to Las Vegas to get married—try completing this second checklist. Do it right away, while your memory is fresh. ■

The kind of relationship I really want is…

What kind of relationship do I think this person wants?

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Did they give any signs that they were the kind of person I’m looking for?

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Any signs they might not be the kind of person I’m looking for?

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Moments I felt particularly good:

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Moments I didn't feel so good:

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Did they say or do anything I wish they hadn’t?

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What do I think they feel about me?

The kind of relationship I think I deserve is…

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The kind of relationship I’m likely to get is…

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I really hope this new person I’m dating will…

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I really hope they won’t…

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What I want most out of this date is…

Remember, wanting what you want is perfectly reasonable. In fact, it’s the only foundation for an authentic relationship. Writing it out will help clarify what you feel, and that can help you to separate out your hopes from your experiences.

Biased memory

GATHER YOUR DATA!

I’m the sort of person that attractive people see as…

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Being unconsciously selective in what we call to mind when thinking about past events and relationships

If the conclusion is that you don’t feel like dating this person again, that settles it—but if you feel like you might, put your answers away and don’t look at them for a while.

GOING OUT AGAIN? Just before going on a second date, fill in the first checklist again, without rereading your previous notes. After the second date, fill in the second checklist again. The next morning, get out all four lists, compare your answers, and ask yourself:

1 2 3

Is there anything I tried to ignore from the ﬁrst date to the second one? Does my image of myself before the second date sound better or worse than before the ﬁrst? Is the impression this person is giving me consistent?

If you decide to date this person again, consider doing these exercises for as long as you find them helpful. To deserve you, your date should inspire answers that trend in a positive direction: their intentions should be clear, harmonious with yours, and unmarred by events you’re trying to ignore. Then you’ll be confident that your confirmation of their hopes comes from their behavior, which means your hopes have a good chance of being met.

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LOOKING THE PART HOW TO PUT YOUR BEST FACE FORWARD

SUIT YOURSELF ■

Get clothes that ﬁt you nicely. Dress for the size you are, not the size you wish you were: no one will see the label but you, and every ﬁgure looks best when the clothes hang right. Besides, you’re meeting someone who was willing to go out with you based on how you look now, so clearly they like it. Embrace it.

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Find colors that complement your skin tone. If you aren’t sure what’s right for you, grab your most stylish or best-dressed friend and ask them to give you some quick tips.

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Don’t wear anything uncomfortable, no matter how good it looks. Surreptitious squirming or scratching won’t show you off at your best.

SUIT THE SETTING

It’s the big night and you want to make a good ﬁrst impression. How do you present yourself to look as comfortable and desirable as possible, while still feeling like your real self?

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Be clear in advance where you’re going, and pick something appropriate to wear. A first date in a gallery and a first date on a stroll in the park need different outfits.

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Be prepared for weather changes, especially if you live in an unpredictable climate. Shivering or sweating doesn’t look very elegant, and the last thing you want is to end up cutting a lovely evening short because you just can’t stand the temperature any more.

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Wear comfortable shoes. That doesn’t mean they have to be hiking boots, but successful dates can last an unexpectedly long time and you may ﬁnd yourselves walking around looking for new places to hang out. Walking is easier than limping.

LOOKING THE PART

PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT ■

Makeup or not? Shave or stubble? Your best bet is probably to do a nice version of your usual self. You’re showing your date an image of a person they might have a relationship with, not posing for a photoshoot: don’t commit to a look you don’t want to maintain.

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Gentlemen: are you hoping for a kiss? Be aware that stubble burn can be somewhat of a damper. If your ﬁve o'clock shadow is part of your rugged charm, by all means keep it, but consider softening it with some conditioner before you go out—and if you do get to smooch your date, be a little gentle about it. Some people’s skin is more sensitive than others’, and you don’t want to be remembered as “that guy with the sandpaper face.”

SUIT YOUR MOOD

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Wear glasses? Wear them on the date. You need to have a pair that suits you, but if they do, there’s no reason to pretend: as long as they’re ﬂattering and well-maintained, glasses are ﬁne. If this becomes a relationship, your date is going to see a lot more of them, so you might as well start as you mean to go on.

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Choosing a perfume or aftershave? Use it lightly: your natural smell can contain pheromones you don’t want to smother. (See pages 48–49 for more about the scent of attraction.)

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Brush your teeth and don’t eat anything that lingers. Man or woman, no one wants to kiss a smelly date: it’s not only unpleasant, but also implies that you’re inconsiderate about the other person’s comfort.

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Want to strike a particular note? A study in 2002 found that clothing affects our style of speech: formally dressed people used more formal adjectives to describe themselves than the casually dressed, who described themselves in more colloquial terms. Both groups also responded faster to the type of adjectives used by other people that matched their style of dress.

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If you have a favorite outﬁt that suits the setting, you’ll feel more like your normal self, the person you want your date to fall in love with.

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Choose a style that reﬂects your personality. Flashy and fabulous or discreetly classic, dress as the person you hope the relationship will allow you to be, and see if your date thinks you look wonderful.

SHADES OF PERFECTION? Is there a perfect color to wear on a date? Consider these examples of the kind of recommendations you see in a lot of magazines and articles online:

RED likes things warm and friendly

BLUE fears rejection

YELLOW craves acceptance

GREEN seeks harmony BLACK seeks to avoid clashing

Convinced? Because the thing is, we made up those descriptions with a single purpose in mind: they all mean the same thing and they could apply to just about anybody. Everyone would rather be warmly accepted than rejected! If you get advice like that you’re probably looking at the Forer effect (see pages 52–53). People aren’t computers and we can’t key in color codes to get a desired response. As a general rule, ignore the poppsychology advice and go with whatever looks best on you. If your date likes you, it will take more than the color of your coat to put them off.

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IT’S GOING TO BE FINE CONFIDENCE-BUILDING EXERCISES

hen we get anxious, it hits us in the amygdala—the part of the brain that registers fear, and which gives us a racing heart, sweaty palms, and even shaky legs. The increased heart rate and shaky limbs are the body preparing to make a run for it, and the sweat is to help us cool down while we ﬁght or ﬂee—but you might want to try some more productive methods of handling the nerves...

PITCH OR POCKET? Worried whether you'll make a good impression? What to do: Write down reasons you do and don’t feel conﬁdent. Trash the “don’ts” but keep the “do’s.” A series of studies in Spain found that treating thoughts as if they were physical objects could be effective: volunteers wrote down what they liked or disliked about their bodies, and then kept the page or ripped it up and tossed it. Throwing the “don’ts” away made them feel better than keeping them. Tip: Physically throwing or storing the paper helps more than just imagining it, so go through the actual motions.

WRITE IT OUT How will I cope if this date doesn’t go well?

Dressed and pressed, but still not feeling quite ready to go out the door and meet your new date? Then try some conﬁdence-building exercises to help ease your anxiety and put you in a better frame of mind.

What to do: Write a list of everything good, smart, kind, interesting, and cool you’ve done in the past week. Tip: Do it longhand so you have plenty of time to note the great things you’ve done. Let yourself see how much there is in your life: you’d be a catch for the right person, and even single you’ve got a lot going for you.

IT’S GOING TO BE FINE

FIX YOUR POSTURE

KEEP SMILING

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SETTLE YOUR FACE

On your way to meet your date?

Feeling shy and miserable?

Feeling a little frantic?

What to do: Sit up. A study at Ohio State University asked people to write down three qualities—either positive or negative—that would affect their future performance in a professional role. They were then asked to either sit up straight or slump forward, and assess what they’d written down. Those sitting up were much more likely to agree they had the good qualities they’d identiﬁed; the slumpers were more likely to dismiss their good qualities as unconvincing, and to believe the bad ones.

What to do: Literally, put on a happy face. Research shows our moods tend to follow our expressions, and smiling can make us actually feel happier: psychology calls this the facial feedback hypothesis. Back in 1988, volunteers who were watching cartoons while holding a pencil horizontally between their teeth—which forced their face into a smile by purely physical means— rated the cartoons as funnier than the volunteers who held the pencil between closed lips, which forced their facial muscles into a frown.

What to do: Soothe yourself as you would soothe an agitated child: raise a gentle hand to your face and stroke your cheek or forehead. Giving yourself calming stimulation like this is known as self-soothing, and it’s a useful skill for managing emotions.

Tip: Our bodies assume a pose in line with our emotions—and sometimes emotions in line with our pose. Find the most conﬁdent pose you can, and your emotions may follow.

Head slumped forward

Tip: Don’t practice smiling in front of a mirror—this redirects your attention to your eyes rather than your face muscles. Just smile and feel the effects.

Head up, balanced on spine Shoulders back and relaxed Stomach comfortable

Ribs pressing into stomach

Lower back stable, not overarched

Lower back curved and overstrained

BAD POSTURE

GOOD POSTURE

SIT UP STRAIGHT We’ve probably all had tiresome teachers criticize our posture, but they may have had a point. A comfortably upright position puts a lot less stress on the body, which means we aren’t dealing with physical tension feeding into our mental state— always an advantage when dating.

Tip: While doing this exercise, touch your face as if it were truly precious: you need to remember that it is.

WORK IT OUT Too much stress to handle? What to do: Get your body working. Exercise releases endorphins, the stress-busting hormones that block the feeling of pain and create a sense of euphoria, helping you coast over your nerves. It also improves your fluid intelligence—that is, intelligence that doesn’t require previous knowledge but lets you reason quickly to deal with complex information and form an opinion—just the thing when meeting someone new. It’s fine if you’re no athlete, since you don’t have to run a marathon: anything that gets your heart rate up and helps you break a sweat will do, whether it’s a workout at the gym or dancing around singing into your hairbrush. (If you have any medical conditions, check with your doctor about what’s safest for you.) Tip: Bear in mind that exercise raises body temperature and you can keep sweating for a while after you’ve finished, so it’s probably best to do it several hours before the date rather than just before. Get your heart racing with physical activity, and it will settle down to a manageable rate afterward.

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STRESS-FREE FIRST DATES WHERE’S THE BEST PLACE TO START?

THE GREAT OUTDOORS Spending time in nature is great for feeling like ourselves. A Swedish study in 2010 placed 18 stressed or burnedout volunteers either in an outdoor location or in an indoor simulation of a natural environment. Subjects who got to experience real nature felt a renewed sense of well-being and heightened sensory perception, while the people in the artificial environment did not feel any of those benefits. A stroll outdoors makes for a low-stress first date because it doesn’t cost you any money, and nature adds some increased sensory perception and pleasure. It’s probably best, though, not to go into the wilderness with someone you’ve only just met: meeting in public is safer, so see if there’s a nice park close by.

WHERE TO EAT? Choosing a restaurant setting to get to know your date? Pick one that plays classical music. In 2001 music therapist Kaja Jensen asked 85 young adults to write or talk about the most signiﬁcant event of their lives: the ones who did so with classical music playing in the background were more thoughtful and expressive, and reported that they enjoyed the music as well.

Of course there’s no such thing as a truly stress-free ﬁrst date—it wouldn’t be natural if you weren’t slightly keyed up—but choosing a good setting can make things a lot more rewarding.

Classical isn’t everyone’s taste, of course, but if you like the idea of an elegant setting where you can open up to each other, a bit of Mozart or Mendelssohn over the speakers might nudge the conversation to a deeper level.

STRESS-FREE FIRST DATES IT’S ALL IN THE LYRICS Are you and your date into pop rather than classical? If you're putting on some mood music, go sexy: in 2007, a study found that volunteers exposed to slightly racy songs gave online proﬁles higher attractiveness ratings than those who’d been listening to family friendly ones. Avoid degrading or disrespectful lyrics, but a hint of naughtiness over the speakers might help create a spark. If some live music in a relaxed setting is more your thing, see if there's a local event, fair, or festival that day. Spotting a one-time chance to enjoy something shows you as enterprising and openminded, and it can be bonding to be in a situation that’s new to you both.

CULTURE VULTURE? Check out the museums and galleries in your local area. Lots of them are free or reasonably priced, which is helpful for reducing the pressure (and might even help you eliminate a gold digger: anyone who objects to being taken somewhere cheap and nice is not worth a second date. More importantly, they’re environments where you can walk freely, ﬁnd plenty of things to talk about, and check out your date’s manners when it comes to making space for other patrons, especially if it’s crowded. Even if the date isn’t much company, you can still enjoy the culture; if it goes well, though, you may ﬁnd yourselves with a hundred things to talk about.

DO I HOLD THE DOOR? Modern men sometimes worry about door etiquette: does holding a door look antifeminist, or does not holding it look rude? People have different preferences, of course, but here are the default rules:

1 If you get there ﬁrst, hold the door open. It's polite, not excessive; no reasonable woman will object.

2 If she gets there ﬁrst, wait to see what she does. If she’s waiting for you to open it, open it; if she makes a move to open it, let her.

3 If she holds the door for you, accept her courtesy—insisting she goes ﬁrst makes things awkward. Go through and say, “Thank you”; that’s all you need to be polite.

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GOOD OLD COFFEE Meeting for coffee is a classic. It’s low investment—a consideration if, for instance, you’re dating online and making a lot of connections. And it reduces the pressure to like each other just to get your money’s worth.

STUCK WITH THE STRESS? We can’t wish away anxiety, but we can use it. American and Canadian research in 2009 found that people who were told that nerves improve performance actually performed better on tests. Tell yourself that your butterﬂies will help, and they probably will.

SOME BAD IDEAS 4 If you hold the door for her and she says, “Thanks,” say something appreciative but gender neutral like “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure.”

5 Whatever happens, don’t make a big production of it. Most women don’t really mind who opens the door but probably don’t want to get into a discussion of traditional gender roles on a ﬁrst date. For most people these days, holding the door is less about gender than manners. Treat your date the same way you’d treat anyone you respected, male or female. And don’t worry too much: as long as you don’t let the door hit her in the face, most women aren’t nearly as bothered about this issue as men are.

Certain choices are just not great for a ﬁrst date. Steer away from: 1 Home cooking. Being in the home of a near stranger is risky and makes many people nervous. 2 The movies. Yes, it’s a classic, but you won’t be able to talk. 3 Five-star restaurants. Higher prices, higher pressure. 4 A nightclub. You won’t be able to hear each other talk. 5 Your hobby spot. A date may feel they’re just tagging along. 6 Around friends or family. Unless your culture calls for chaperones, make it about just the two of you, on neutral ground.

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EVERYONE LOVES A GOOD LISTENER

THE ART OF ACTIVE COMMUNICATION

ost people spend roughly 90 percent of their waking hours communicating, be it speaking, writing, or listening. Even so, studies show that during that time, we take in only 25 to 50 percent of what we hear. The rest of the time, we’re thinking of how to reply, how we feel about the speaker, or something else entirely. Much as we like to feel in contact with other people, we’re less inclined to follow their words closely than to scan them to get the gist of what they're saying. When it comes to checking out a date, though, the details of what they say are important. Not only do those details give us plenty of clues about the date’s attitudes, expectations, and mental habits, but it’s also true that giving someone our full attention is a very good way of gaining theirs. We’re social creatures, on the whole, and we tend to be interested in people who treat us like we’re interesting. This is where a technique called active listening comes in.

MIRROR NEURONS

Few things are as beguiling as being at the absolute center of someone’s attention. Since nothing shows attention like good listening, how can we improve our listening skills and bewitch an attractive date?

The brain possesses certain neurons that help us imitate what we see others do. Known as mirror neurons, they ﬁre up in response to emotions signaled by other people, making us produce a mirror image of their happiness, distress, or even just their physical actions, like smiles or frowns. We naturally feel with people as we watch them— and the closer we watch, the more connections we make.

EVERYONE LOVES A GOOD LISTENER

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ACTIVE LISTENING The idea of active listening is this: you focus on the person you’re speaking to, and use verbal and nonverbal hints both to show them you’re paying attention and to keep your attention where it needs to be. Some basic tips: Keep your mind directed toward the speaker. Ignore outside distractions as much as you can. Don’t get too drawn into internal distractions either, such as what you’re going to say in reply or who they remind you of when they say this or that. Focus your attention on the words they say.

questions can put them off, and makes keeping the conversation going feel like hard work.)

Respond sensitively. Use language that shows you’re listening, such as repeating back what they say or checking what they mean.

Use open body language. This can include: Eye contact. Don’t stare, of course, because that’s uncomfortable and can feel aggressive, but make sure you meet their gaze regularly. Good facial expressions. Most of us naturally mirror the feelings in the face opposite us: let your face show that you’re following this person emotionally. Arms down. Crossed arms makes you look closed off. Match their stance. When we have a rapport with someone, we often assume a similar posture to theirs: try it and see if it helps. Appropriate body space. Some people like you to lean closer while they conﬁde, but other people like to keep their distance. Watch for their personal preference. (For more on personal space, see page 115.)

Be accepting and empathic. You may or may not agree with what they’re saying, but you can decide that when they’ve ﬁnished. As long as you’re listening, see them as an interesting person who has a right to be separate and different from you and whose thoughts and feelings are as vivid and meaningful to them as yours are to you.

Don’t jump to speak. Sometimes a pause is the beginning of an awkward silence, but sometimes the speaker is just gathering their thoughts or stopping for breath. Be sure they’re ﬁnished before you start talking yourself.

Ask constructive questions. In particular, encourage the speaker to be speciﬁc. If they say their job is exciting, for example, you might ask them what it is that they ﬁnd exciting: the more detail you have, the more you can picture someone else’s experience. (Try not to overdo it, though; being interrupted by a barrage of

The purpose of active listening is not to sit passively and just be talked at, but to be actively engaged while the speaker—in this case, the date you’re trying to get to know—tries to communicate what’s really on their mind. When you are actively engaged, you and the other person are likely to feel connected, and you'll be experienced by the other person—your date—as someone who is supportive.

Giving someone our full attention is a very good way of gaining theirs.

PROSOCIAL GENES A 2011 study in Toronto found that people born with a particular gene variation tended to use more smiles, nods, and eye contact— what psychologists call afﬁliative cues. Couples displaying these were rated as more empathic by strangers who'd watched them on just 20 seconds of soundless video. You may or may not have the gene—called rs53576, it acts on the oxytocin receptors that help us bond—but there’s nothing to stop you from nodding and smiling: it clearly makes a good impression.

250,000 American anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell estimated that the human face is capable of more than a quarter of a million expressions. Keep watching for them: it shouldn’t get dull!

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SHRINKING VIOLETS COPING WITH SHYNESS If you feel like the anxiety is just too much and you’ll never gather the courage to approach someone, don’t despair—shyness is a lot more manageable than you might think.

ne of the most encouraging statistics in psychology comes from Bernardo Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast: almost half of us consider ourselves to be shy. Mostly we manage to put on a functional public face and relate to others perfectly well. Carducci’s statistic tells us one thing above all: the relationship between feeling shy and appearing inadequate is practically nonexistent.

40–45% Between 40 and 45 percent of adult Americans consider themselves to be shy.

What type of shyness is it? The Shyness Research Institute deﬁnes three categories of shyness: cognitive, affective, and behavioral. Put more simply, we can be defeated by our thoughts, our feelings, or our behavior. Cognitive shyness takes the form of excessive self-criticism or anticipating the worst (see pages 24– 25): you tell yourself you’re hopeless until you start to believe it. Affective shyness involves feelings of stress and anxiety. Behavioral shyness is what you do—or rather, what you don’t do, such as talking to people or going to parties. The three types of shyness feed on one another. If you think panicky thoughts, then you’re likely to have panicky feelings, and vice versa, and you can get into a vicious cycle of avoiding contact with people, feeling bad about that, thinking it means you’re a failure, and continuing to avoid everyone. If shyness is getting in the way of your meeting new people, try to observe yourself over

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE Neurologically speaking, shyness may be a sign of deeper thinking. Around 20 percent of people are born with sensory perception sensitivity: they are slow to warm up as children, are more conscientious, more bored with small talk, and more easily tired by crowds. Such people are prone to shyness, but because their brains process input more actively, they are also more likely to be original and clever.

the next few weeks and see if you can identify where you think it’s most deeply rooted. The more you understand where it’s coming from, the better placed you are to tackle it. How to ﬁx it The solutions depend on where the root of your shyness lies. If you’re starting with negative thoughts, work on some self-afﬁrmation: you’re almost certainly more interesting, appealing, and worthwhile than you’re telling yourself right now. Get into the habit of spotting and

SHRINKING VIOLETS SHY, OR JUST INTROVERTED? Many of us are naturally introverted, find social situations tiring, assume there's something wrong with us, and define ourselves as shy. To find out which you are, ask yourself:

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MAKING IT WORSE Thoughts, feelings, and behavior can all get into a cycle where each reinforces the other. When it comes to shyness, the key is to ﬁgure out which is the starting point and stop it before it all starts to spin out of control.

COGNITIVE SHYNESS I just can’t talk to people, I’m hopeless at it!

When I avoid a social situation, is it because I: A Can’t be bothered tonight; it’ll be more fun to stay home? B Dread it and think I’ll be miserable? At a party, I’m sitting by myself in a quiet corner. Am I: A Taking time out to recharge my batteries? B Hiding or wishing I could ﬁnd someone to talk to? I’m introduced to a stranger and have to talk to them. Do I think: A This is going to be a bit of an effort. B This person will think I’m an idiot. Mostly A: If you’re saying “A,” that’s introversion and shouldn't worry you— see pages 36–37. Mostly B: if you’re saying “B”, that’s shyness. Or you could be a bit of both— there is a degree of overlap. Either way, see below for ways to overcome it.

stopping negative thoughts before they get too tight a grip on you: try the exercises on pages 32 and 35. If you’re starting with anxious emotions, self-calming is the way to go. Before you go into stressful situations, try some meditation or self-comforting exercises: see pages 56–57 and 102–103. With behavioral shyness, the solution is practice. Hard as it may sound, you need to get out into the situations that you fear, and keep going into them: talk to people, even if it’s just a few words at the

BEHAVIORAL SHYNESS Nope, I'm not going to talk to those people, I’m leaving.

checkout. If you have opinions you struggle to express, rehearse them at home so you can say them more conﬁdently in company. Manners, too, can go a long way: if you don’t have much to say but you say it politely (throwing in please, thank you, and excuse me), that’s going to please people. Keep testing yourself in public and reassuring yourself in private, and you’ll do just ﬁne.

AFFECTIVE SHYNESS I feel so miserable, scared, and lonely...

GOT NOTHING TO SAY? A lot of us feel shy because we have no faith in our ability to interest or entertain people. The good news is that even if you think you don’t have much to say, most people are comfortable with a quiet person as long as they offer a sympathetic ear. If you don’t feel you sparkle in conversation, see pages 106–107 to work on your listening skills.

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TALKING THE TALK GETTING A GOOD CONVERSATION GOING The ﬁrst few dates are all about establishing a connection, and to do that, you have to talk to each other. If you tend to struggle for words, you may want to polish your conversational skills. You’re such a great listener First tip: if you get tongue-tied, it’s not the end of the world. Most people love to talk about themselves. If you can’t think of much to say, focus on asking some open-ended questions and then sitting back to listen: either you’ll ﬁnd yourself relaxing and think of some comments to make, or else you can keep prompting them to talk and be appreciated for your attentiveness—good listening skills are very attractive. Some useful phrases to help get someone talking: ■ What do you think about X? ■ What’s it like to do X? ■ So you like X; what do you like about it? ■ So you don’t like X; what would you change about it? ■ How did you get interested in or start doing X? ■ It sounds interesting—can you tell me a bit more?

The key is to ask questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no: the more open-ended they are, the more expansive your date can be. Just remember to smile, nod, say supportive things, and act interested so they feel heard, not interviewed. This works best when you follow your own curiosity, so you truly are interested. If it feels like a technique, then consider whether you just need more practice or whether this person really isn’t of interest to you.

You’re so interesting Sometimes you meet someone cool who’s done all sorts of amazing things that you haven't. They seem so impressive, you hardly know what to say. Maybe you should just give up because you’ve got nothing to offer. Not at all. Many people are happy to talk to someone who can admit to being uninformed: after all, they too must have been a novice at some point. They may get irritated if someone claims knowledge they don’t have, but if you own up to your ignorance confidently, that’s fine. They may even find it refreshing: if they’re fed up with opinionated bores telling them their business, someone who respects their expertise can be a pleasant change.

Wow, I don’t know anything about that— could you tell me more? That sounds amazing, I’d love to hear about it.

TELL ME MORE Rather than feeling too intimidated by someone’s expertise to join in, try one of these phrases.

TALKING THE TALK Put it this way: their knowing and doing cool things doesn’t diminish you, and you get to enjoy it. If you can show honest appreciation, you’ll come across as smart, open, and likable: even the most accomplished person wants a supportive partner. (And if they react to your questions negatively, you probably won’t want a relationship with them anyway: would you treat someone like that?) Now it's your turn At some point you’re going to have to talk about yourself, which means striking a balance between sounding conﬁdent and arrogant, modest and hopeless. A few tips: ■

■

Be enthusiastic about the things that are important to you. A smart dater is on the lookout for people who can get excited about stuff they love—it means you can get excited about a person you love, too. They don't have to share your tastes to appreciate the joy you take in them: joy itself is attractive. Got some dreams? Talk about them as things you hope to do rather than things you’ll probably never achieve. Be positive and can-do. That’s much more appealing, and you may even talk yourself into taking that trip or learning that skill you’ve always thought about.

WHICH OF THESE SOUNDS LIKE YOU?

THE NO-NO’S A ﬁrst date is really not the time to mention: ■

What a rotten person your ex was.

■

How annoying you ﬁnd your family.

■

How lonely you’ve been.

■

Your doubts about your worth as a person.

First dates should leave both people feeling hopeful for the future, so stay positive and save the complaints for later.

■

Not so happy with certain things in your life? You can say so—as long as you don’t act like you expect a relationship to ﬁx everything, or like you’d drag someone down. Find counterbalances: yes, your job is dull, but you get a lot out of your social life; true, your place is a bit of a shoebox, but at least that gets you out and about. Treat the drawbacks as incidental rather than the key to your identity. You’ll feel happier and more satisﬁed with life if you can honestly see things with this kind of balance.

I’d love to know more if you don’t mind explaining to a total newbie. That’s really impressive. I’ve never heard that before—I’d love to know more.

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Your date says something that reminds you of a great anecdote from your past? Tell it now! People who can talk interestingly about their experiences are great company. For the best results:

Keep it fairly short—no more than a minute or so—to avoid dominating the conversation too much. If it’s a long story, take breaks to give your date a chance to get a few words in.

Regularly check your date’s body language and expression. If they’re leaning away or looking glazed, cut your story short; if they’re leaning forward and listening eagerly, you’re doing well.

If it’s a funny story, whether or not they laugh is a great indicator of whether you’re compatible. (See also pages 50–51.)

Don’t be afraid to throw yourself into the performance. You evidently think this story is worth telling, so do it justice.

A thought to consider privately: what’s the moral of this story? What are you telling your date about your worldview? (That people can be surprisingly shrewd? That you can laugh at yourself? That beauty can be found in unexpected places?) Think of what the story means to you, and then see if it means the same thing to your date.

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YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING

BODY LANGUAGE TIPS

ow do you know whether a date is warm or aggressive, interested or bored, evasive or just nervous? Until the day we have mind-reading technology, we'll have to stick to reading people’s bodies. How are your skills? You probably already know more about body language than you think—as with every skill, though, some people have more facility than others. For the lucky ones, picking up mood from body language comes naturally: they register the subtle messages of face and gesture so quickly that they reach a conclusion before they notice they’re doing it. At the other end of the scale, some of us ﬁnd body language extremely difﬁcult to understand: we’re just born with fewer reading abilities than others; or shyness leads us to avoid other people, so we haven’t had the same opportunity to practice. If you happen not to be one of the body-language maestros, don’t worry, there are several good ways to tackle the issue, which are probably best used in conjunction. Practice, practice, practice First, to improve your body language reading skills, don’t wait till you’re on

Understanding people’s body language is key to romantic success, but many of us are not very conﬁdent in our abilities. If you’re feeling uncertain, what should you do about it?

55%

Studies suggest that before a man speaks, his posture accounts for up to 55 percent of a woman’s ﬁrst impression of him.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING LOOKING TO SPOT A LIAR? Psychologist and bodylanguage expert Paul Ekman claims that the key is to watch for micro expressions—expressions on the face that last about 1/25th of a second. It’s hard: he tested 15,000 people and found that most of them needed a 32-hour course before they got the hang of it. Even if we do spot the fact that someone’s hiding something, it doesn’t mean we know what they’re hiding or why. A man who looks awkward when he insists he’s single might be lying ... or just embarrassed.

a date. Watch the people around you. Don’t gawk, obviously, but if you see someone happy, angry, anxious, or excited, make a mental note of their expression and body language. We learn by watching, and the more you watch, the more you’ll absorb. Between dates is also a good time to practice reading your friends’ body language. Start with someone close who knows you well and won’t be put off if you check to see whether you’ve judged their feelings right. It’s quite natural to ask: “You seem in a particularly good mood—what’s going on?” or “What’s up? You seem a bit down today.” Or, if you’re really unsure of what they’re feeling, you can just ask, “How do you feel about what Jamie did?” These are all good questions to ask, even as you get better at reading body language. Own up No one wants to be seen as insensitive, but the essence of insensitivity isn’t being a little hopeless at reading people’s signals—it’s not caring about the feelings

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GETTING YOUR ATTENTION

The attention phase. In the ﬁrst of ﬁve stages of love signals described by the Center for Nonverbal Studies, we signal:

■

our gender, acting extra masculine or feminine

■

our presence, making subtle movements to draw the eye, such as walking around or gesticulating more than usual

■

our good intentions, by smiling, shrugging, and using open-palm gestures to show we mean no harm.

Looking for a response. After seeking someone’s attention, we see if it’s worked. We watch for:

■

smiles

■

eye contact

■

body posture aligned with or mirroring our own

■

nervous self-touching (do they want us to touch them?)

■

friendly shrugs.

those signals indicate. If body language is a real stumbling block for you, it’s probably best to be direct with your date. “I’m not that good at reading body language, so if I do anything that bothers you, please just let me know so I can stop!” is a declaration of positive intentions that many people—including the kind of person who’d be right for you—will ﬁnd sincere and charming. You’re showing your good heart right there and then. In the meantime, for some more practical tips on body language, see the next page.

The conversation phase. If we make a connection, we start to create our own space, and explore:

■

sitting face to face and/or intensely focused on each other, making it clear third parties shouldn’t join us

■

eating together—a universal ritual of bonding and relaxation

■

beginning to ask probing questions

■

laughing and joking.

The touching phase. We begin discreetly, and take it from there:

■

“accidental” brushes, to see if our date responds, freezes, or ﬂinches

■

intention cues, adopting a posture that shows we’d like to touch, such as extending open arms

■

hugging and kissing—a big threshold to greater intimacy.

The lovemaking stage. This includes full-body caressing, kissing, and cuddling, as well as sex—the point where we really let our bodies do the talking.

A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE? While the basic nonverbal expressions such as smiling and shock are universal (see page 43), be aware of cultural differences: every nation has its own gestures. The United States, for example, is estimated to have about 80 distinct gestures: Americans usually can’t name them all, but they can use and recognize them.

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Getting your own body language right Communication is a complex business: experts estimate that anything from 60 percent to 93 percent of it is nonverbal! If you’re anxious about the impression you’re making on a date, the tips offered here will help you to ensure that your worries don’t show in your body language. Go with your feelings Body language is far too complex to learn from a book, but the good news is that you probably already know more about it than you realize. We often pick up signals unconsciously but accurately: a 2014 study at the MIT Media Lab in Cambridge, Massachussetts, found that volunteers distrusted a humanoid robot programmed to give off nonverbal mistrustful cues (such as crossing its arms and touching its own face), even though they couldn’t necessarily say why. You don’t need to learn body language like a foreign tongue: your emotions will almost certainly be feeding into your body language automatically, and your date will almost certainly be picking up on them. Just work on feeling happy and conﬁdent, and you’ll more than likely look ﬁne.

GREAT POSTURE Stance is a clue to confidence: someone standing up straight looks assured and assertive, while someone sagging looks downcast. You should probably avoid extremes: a ramrod-straight back can look tense, more like a soldier getting bawled out by a drill sergeant than like a free adult on a date with someone nice; on the other hand, a deep slump looks both dejected and unhealthy. The Alexander Technique for improved posture recommends that you imagine there’s a buoyant balloon in your head, which encourages you to float into a naturally upright position. ✔ Stand tall and confident, but don’t stiffen up: the message you want to convey is “I’m comfortable in my body.”

LEARN FROM THE ANXIETY PROS We all know that fidgeting—shifting around, playing with napkins, tapping our fingers—isn’t a good idea on a date, but it can be hard to control. There’s a good reason for that: our bodies are giving us anxiety signals, and seeking out sensory input (the feeling of motion or fiddling) helps to override them, in the same way that squeezing a bruised finger can override the pain. Self-soothing exercises can help (see pages 102–103), but if you really struggle to stay still, take a tip from the experts—people with sensory processing disorders such as ADHD and autism, whose baseline anxiety levels tend to be high. They often keep something squishy, twisty, or highly textured in a pocket: you can play with it out of sight and get some stimulation without looking restless. ✔ Search online for a fidget toy or sensory toy—toy stores, too, sell inexpensive little trinkets that can work very well. ✔ Consider a ring with a textured band if you’re planning to wear a pocketless outfit; you can touch the band with your thumb behind your palm and it won’t attract attention.

TWITCHY LEGS?

GOOD

BAD

STAND EASY A good natural stance involves the head slightly dropped (so that the neck isn’t cramped), shoulders open, tummy in, and back relaxed.

When we’re nervous, a lot of us tap our feet or jiggle our legs—which often distracts and slightly irritates those around us. If you ﬁnd yourself doing it, crossing your ankles is a good way to regain your poise. Or arrange the date so it includes something active, like going for a walk, to ease the anxiety.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING LOOKING FRIENDLY

■

Relaxed facial muscles: no worries, so no grimaces.

■

Open torso, with loose arms held open or just easy and mobile.

Check your expressions and gestures when you meet your date. If you feel your face tensing up or your arms drawing in, you’re probably nervous: take a deep breath, relax, and open up your stance—it will look a lot more welcoming, and feel more relaxed.

Hand gestures are a huge part of communication: behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards calls them the true “windows of the soul.” Hiding your hands makes you look like you lack conﬁdence: let them move around.

✔ Smile with both sides of your mouth—a lopsided smile can be misread as disdainful. ✔ To create your own Duchenne smile, think happy thoughts; to spot one in your date, see if they’re smiling with their eyes.

WATCH YOUR PERSONAL SPACE

–7.5

2 ft (1.2–3.5 m 4–1 )

l: na o rs

18 in

6 –18 i n (

cm –1 )

: te

–4 ft (45

m .2

People’s exact preferences can vary from culture to culture and individual to individual, but these are some good yardsticks to follow.

l: cia

ce: 12–25 ft (3.5

1 m) 45 c

HOW MUCH SPACE?

istan

5–

Anthropologist Edward T. Hall identiﬁed four physical comfort zones. Only lovers or close friends can be at an intimate distance without us feeling uncomfortable; personal distance generally takes in good friends and family; social distance is the distance we adopt with people whom we know only fairly well; public distance is the space of, say, a teacher and a class of students. With dating, it’s usually good to begin at a personal distance and move closer when you’re both ready.

cd bli Pu

im a

Raised eyebrows: the upwardﬂicking greeting expression.

Int

■

HANDS UP!

Smiling is crucial to social relationships: it’s the top facial gesture our brains recognize after eye contact. What’s the difference between a real smile and a fake one? A real one creases up the skin around our eyes. (So don’t worry about crow’s feet: they make you look genuine.) Guillaume Duchenne, a 19th-century French neurologist, ﬁrst identiﬁed the difference: a Duchenne smile is an authentic one, warm and infectious, while a fake one tends to make people uncomfortable without being sure why.

Happy to see someone? It will show in your stance. The “welcome” body language crosses cultures, even among blind people who've never seen it. If you’re delighted to see your date, you’ll probably do the following spontaneously:

THE DUCHENNE SMILE

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I’M SO EMBARRASSED! HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL

et’s face it: no one gets through life without sometimes making a fool of him- or herself. If we have reasonable levels of self-esteem, we can usually get over it—but what happens if we trip up in the middle of a date with someone we really want to impress? Do I look all that ridiculous? In reality, how much do other people judge us when we do something embarrassing? It depends on the observer, of course, and on just how big an idiot we’ve made of ourselves, but it also depends on the similarities between audience and idiot. A study in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that people were more likely to spot embarrassment in people of similar nationality and status to themselves; it appears that when we see someone as beneath us, we assume they feel less stupid if they do something foolish, perhaps

WHAT IS EMBARRASSMENT?

Your date is attractive, the evening is going well … but you’ve just made a bad joke or noticed that your skirt is tucked into your underwear. How do you stop a faux pas from ruining the rendezvous?

Feeling embarrassed is an automatic response to revealing an apparent ﬂaw in the presence of others. The emotion is registered in a part of the brain called the pregenual anterior cingulate cortex (PACC). In tests at Berkeley, California, volunteers watched videos of themselves singing “My Girl” a capella, and showed increased activity in their PACC region, combined with an elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and unhappy remarks about how bad they looked. There’s little we can do to avoid feeling embarrassed: it happens without our willing it and is a physical as well as an emotional response to stress.

I’M SO EMBARRASSED! because we think they have less far to fall. In a sense, there's some good news here: feeling embarrassed can be a way to test your date’s opinion of you. If they notice that you’re feeling silly, it’s a sign that they see you as their equal: even if they do think you’ve done something a bit dumb, they also see you as "one of us." If, however, they don’t notice you’re embarrassed, this may be a sign you should be on the alert: are they treating you like an equal? Everyone does embarrassing things sometimes; you want to date someone who has empathy for that.

yourself that can be hard to shake off. When you feel embarrassed, you can balance the flaw by reminding yourself of a broader, more positive image of yourself. That way, the flaw becomes just a minor setback and an indication that you're only human. If you tend to struggle with feelings of shame, then it is important to work on self-acceptance and selfcompassion (see pages 54–57). We’ll never be embarrassmentproof, but if our self-image doesn’t depend on denying our capacity to be sometimes clumsy or unwise, a fleeting faux pas needn't ruin a date: when it doesn’t contradict how we already see ourselves, it may feel silly but it doesn’t call our identity into question. With self-acceptance and self-compassion, we can see ourselves as valuable people who make the occasional mistake— and in accepting that, we get better at surviving the goof up.

Embarrassment versus shame The key to managing an awkward moment is to draw a distinction between embarrassment—the instantaneous reaction that makes you blush or cringe when you think others see a ﬂaw in you—and shame, the negative assessment you have of

How I see myself

S E L F

How I think others see me

IN THE SPOTLIGHT Is your goof really that obvious? Very possibly not. We are prone to what psychology professor Thomas Gilovich calls the spotlight effect. In studies at Cornell University in 2000, his research volunteers greatly overestimated how many fellow students noticed the embarrassing design on their T-shirts. Our ﬂaws, in other words, glare far brighter in our self-image, and in how we think others see us, than they do in the image others really see.

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HOW TO KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON ✔ Is blushing bad? Not at all. “Blushes are very useful for conveying apologies,” says UK psychologist Ray Crozier. If your face is burning, try not to worry: it may actually defuse the situation by showing you didn’t mean any harm. ✔ Laugh it off. Did you really put your foot in it? Make a joke. Many of us will laugh at the discomfort of others, but if you can laugh at your own, you are effectively putting yourself in the audience rather than in the spotlight: you and your date can laugh together at your slip up, which means that you’re allied against the embarrassment rather than separated by it. A sense of humor is always attractive (see pages 50–51), so take the opportunity to share a laugh. ✔ ’Fess up. Okay, so you spilled coffee all over your lap. Since you can’t hide it, just say straight out, “Oh, I’m so embarrassed!” But here’s the key: only say it once. We tend to take people on their own estimation, so the more you act like there’s something wrong, the more your date will feel there is. Admitting to being embarrassed shows that you’re candid; moving on from your embarrassment shows that you can handle little setbacks … and who wouldn’t want to date an honest, well-adjusted person?

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FIVE ACID TESTS HOW TO ASSESS YOUR NEW DATE

DO THEY CALL WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL? If someone promises they’ll call you tonight but waits a week, look to their attachment style (see pages 16–19). A couple of late calls may not mean much—anyone can get shy or busy—but if they make a habit of it, you could be dealing with either an avoidant person who is creating preemptive distance, or an anxious person who is afraid of annoying you by being needy. If you point out that they keep calling late and they get nervous and apologetic, you’re probably looking at an anxious person: they may turn into a loving and loyal partner if you’re comfortable giving regular reassurance, but they may continue to need that. Or if their response is to shrug it off and get defensive or self-righteous if you push, you’re probably looking at an avoidant person: they may be fun, but they may not be looking for intimacy. Each can be ﬁne, but these are long-term patterns—and whatever the reason for their behavior, keep in mind that it is not acceptable if it upsets or bothers you. If, on the other hand, your new prospect tends to do what they said they’d do, there's a good chance you’re looking at a secure person who values connection. A person who keeps small promises early on is more likely to keep big promises later.

Sometimes little things can tell us a lot. Here are a few situations to consider as good indicators of a date’s attitudes toward love and commitment: watch for their reactions and see what you learn.

FIVE ACID TESTS

THE FIVE STEP TEST Out walking with your date on a busy street, fall about ﬁve paces behind them. Then wait and see how long it takes them to notice and turn around to look for you. If they don’t turn fairly soon, then you’re probably staring at the back of a person who is using a deactivating strategy—detaching themselves from feelings of closeness so they don’t get too emotionally involved with you. Of course, everyone gets distracted sometimes, but if they do it a lot, walking may not be the only time they need their space. If, on the other hand, your date notices you aren’t there and glances back to check, how do they react? Are they annoyed you couldn’t keep up? Bothered they’ve lost their audience? Worried you’re shunning them? Or subtly inviting you to join them? Keep your eyes open for the date who welcomes you into their space as a valued companion.

TELL THEM YOU DON’T LIKE… … their favorite book, movie, sport, or hobby—not if you actually do, of course, and not in a rude way. But if your date is into something that doesn’t appeal to you, try telling them in a friendly way that it’s really not your thing. This could save you a lifetime of tedium sitting through sports or ﬁlms you hate, but the real reason is to see how your date reacts. If they consider ball games or romantic comedies a deal breaker, it’s best to know now. More importantly, the best partner is one who doesn’t take differences personally. Look for someone who thinks, “Hey, let’s compare notes on this— it’s a chance to learn more about this interesting person.” Even if they don’t convert you to the joys of beekeeping or line dancing, you may come to enjoy their enthusiasm and feel happy in your mutual acceptance of each other’s quirky tastes and interests.

119

MAKE A PERSONAL COMMENT Nothing too touchy—“You know, your nose is huge” is never a good line—but if they always order the spiciest item on the menu or their clothes have a bohemian flair, then try a neutral question or remark about that, and listen to their reaction. Are they a bit full of themselves and apt to pontificate on how all their choices are the best choices? Are they insecure and assume they’re being criticized? Or are they confident in themselves and happy to own their preferences? However, be aware that if you keep offending dates with your comments, the problem might be your presentation, not their attitude!

OWN UP TO YOUR WORRIES Have they said something that hurt your feelings or done something that made you feel insecure? Do you want to invite them home, but your place is an embarrassing mess today? Say so.

Love is … to be ever courteous of eye and ever courteous of ear; to be ever courteous in word and ever courteous in deed. Confucius Ancient Chinese philosopher

If you’re going to be in a relationship with this person, they’ll have to learn you’re not perfect. How they handle your wounded feelings or embarrassment will tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d make: a kind and understanding person is kind and understanding from the start, and your admitting those ﬂaws is a chance for your date to show you how nice they can be.

THE EMOTIONS DO NOT DESERVE

BEING PUT INTO OPPOSITION

WITH “INTELLIGENCE.” THE

EMOTIONS ARE

THEMSELVES A HIGHER ORDER

OF INTELLIGENCE

ORVAL HOBART MOWRER (1907–1982), PSYCHOLOGIST, PROFESSOR, AND PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE WHAT IT IS AND WHY IT MATTERS No one wants an insensitive partner, so emotional intelligence is a much-prized asset in the quest to ﬁnd and keep a good relationship. What can we do to hone our skills and improve our chances?

ntelligence is not a single quality of mind, but instead a series of multiple abilities overlapping in greater or lesser degrees. While researchers may draw the boundaries in slightly different places (see the chart opposite), the basic premise is consistent: understanding and coping with emotions is a form of intelligence in its own right. In effect, an intelligent person has a brain that can recognize and manage information particularly well, while an emotionally intelligent person has an advanced facility for recognizing and managing feelings, both their own and other people’s. Emotionally intelligent dating We’d all rather date someone who is emotionally intelligent than someone who is emotionally stupid, but how big a factor is it in romantic happiness? Research published in the American Journal of Family Therapy in 2014 found that emotionally intelligent people were more likely

to report happiness in their romantic relationships and to have satisﬁed partners. Finding an emotionally intelligent person isn’t a cure-all: a study in the European Journal of Personality in 2011 found that the happiest relationships involved both partners having emotional intelligence. If you suspect your own emotional intelligence isn’t the best, is there anything you can do about it? Getting emotionally smarter Age does, apparently, bring wisdom: a study by Six Seconds, a global EQ network, found that people do grow in emotional intelligence as the years go by. Rather than wait for that to happen, though, what next? Different aspects of emotional intelligence can be easier or harder to learn. A 2003 study in Texas found that training programs could help workers raise their interpersonal skills—negotiation and etiquette—by around 50 percent. That compares to a rise of around 35 percent reported

by occupational stress management programs, while a study in 2008 found that cognitive behavioral programs appeared to have the best results. These were all studies of workplace rather than romantic programs, but the data supports the idea that practice combined with honest feedback does reap rewards. Your best bet, psychology suggests, is twofold: practice your own emotional intelligence, and favor suitors who seem emotionally smart. If you can keep in mind the qualities you need when meeting new people (see opposite for examples), you may be better equipped to spot the good prospects on shorter acquaintance.

50% Training programs can help workers raise interpersonal skills by as much as half.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

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MULTIPLE THEORIES Theories of different kinds of intelligence are constantly being adapted by different psychologists and writers. Here are three of the best known:

Howard Gardner Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner’s original list in 1983 proposed seven types of intelligence. In terms of romance, the last two are probably the most important—though bodily-kinesthetic can help when it comes to sexual chemistry.

Mayer and Salovey Psychologists John Mayer and Peter Salovey elaborated on Gardner’s theories to list four basic branches or abilities that create emotional intelligence—all of which can help in romantic relationships.

Daniel Goleman Daniel Goleman’s bestselling book Emotional Intelligence identiﬁes ﬁve categories, all applicable to romance.

Multiple intelligences

Skills

Linguistic

Sensitivity to language, and ability to learn and use it.

Logical-mathematical

Scientiﬁc and numerical analysis.

Musical

Recognizing, appreciating, and creating musical patterns.

Bodily-kinesthetic

Judging position and distance.

Visual-spatial

Hands-on intelligence, as with an artist or athlete.

Interpersonal

Social skills and the ability to relate to others.

Intrapersonal

Self-awareness; insight into your feelings and motives.

Four branches

Skills

Perceiving emotions

Identifying emotion, in yourself, others, and the arts.

Facilitating thought

Using emotion to help you think and communicate.

Understanding emotions

Grasping how emotions combine and change, and what that means in human relationships.

Managing emotions

Using and moderating feelings to promote understanding and growth.

Top ﬁve

Skills

Self-awareness

Understanding your own feelings.

Self-regulation

Managing your emotions effectively.

Self-motivation

Directing your emotions to productive ends.

Empathy

Appreciating and sharing the feelings of others.

Social skills

Communicating and dealing with other people.

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SPOTTING A SERIAL DATER WHO THEY ARE AND WHY THEY DO IT

f you’re looking for a committed relationship, there’s a certain kind of person you probably know from painful experience: the hot-and-cold, not-ready-to-be-tied-down partner who keeps you on the back burner. This is the avoidant attachment style described on pages 16–21. Avoidant types may need love but they fear abandonment, and try to shut down their emotions before they get hurt. As the US population percentages show below, most people are secure, but about one in four are avoidants, who go through a lot of relationships. If you’re a secure type and you ﬁnd the fun of being with someone outweighs their need for emotional distance, you may have a perfectly successful relationship—but if you want more and you meet an avoidant person in their running around phase, you stand a good chance of getting hurt. How do you recognize an avoidant person before you get too interested?

50% SECURE

20% ANXIOUS

They’re charming, they’re good looking, they’re a lot of fun, they really seem to like you … and the next thing you know they’ve dropped out of touch and moved on. What’s going on?

25% AVOIDANT

SPOTTING A SERIAL DATER

SPOTTING THE SIGNS While an avoidant attachment style can be anything from a freewheeling party animal to a tightly wound hermit, they share certain common traits: ■

They disparage intimacy. You want to spend time together and they tell you not to be needy. Or your best friend is engaged and they make cracks about shackles. Avoidants warn you not to expect closeness, but often in subtle ways to avoid you "making a scene.”

■

They treat making contact as a power play. “When can I call?” is something everyone wonders about, but avoidants may feel you’re needy and that showing any interest makes them weak.

■

They dance around closeness. There are moments when it feels you’re connecting, but somehow these never turn into a deeper bond. Avoidants need connection but it makes them nervous; small doses are all they can handle. They start to open up a little, then quickly close down again. For a secure or anxious person, it’s natural to know about a partner’s feelings and past, but avoidants don’t like to reveal too much. They don’t seem upset when talking about an upsetting past. Not all avoidants had bad parents, but avoidant attachment comes from the expectation of your needs not being met. Of course many people get over bad experiences, but nonavoidants acknowledge they were bad. If someone doesn’t seem to feel the emotions you’d expect when telling an emotional story, they may not want to feel much for you either.

■

They don’t treat you better once you’re together. They may even start treating you worse. When avoidants fall in love, the pursuit stage is ﬁne as long as the intimacy isn’t there yet. Once it looks likely, you’re no longer a goal to them, you’re a threat.

■

They give you warnings you don’t deserve. A partner who says they need their space when you never encroach on it is trying to stop you from getting close. If they say this early on, they’re already thinking you’ll take it away.

■

They act superior in a conﬂict. Watch out for the person who acts above you because you’re “getting all emotional” and they aren’t. Not agreeing with you is one thing; looking down on emotion is another.

■

You feel like you’re in a contest, with their affection as the prize. And you don’t know the rules, or they keep changing. An avoidant can be “my way or the highway” when it comes to love: if things get too much, they’d rather leave, physically or emotionally. That makes them able to drive a hard bargain—which may not be how you want to approach a relationship.

■

They have a romantic ideal you can’t live up to. They “never got over” their ex, or dream of the “perfect” love (which you can’t fulﬁll). Insisting on the impossible is a reliable way to shut down their feelings for someone real.

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What if you are both avoidant? Avoidant people aren’t monsters: they’re just people who need love, are worried about getting hurt, and feel safer depending on themselves. Often avoidant people don’t mean to cause pain, but their inner conflict can leave a partner confused. If you are avoidant, make it a goal to find someone you can trust, and then try opening up: once you’ve taken the chance, it really can turn out for the best. Watch out for dates who are anxious, though: anxious-avoidant couples can be a terrible match, so see pages 148–149 for what to expect. It wouldn’t be like this if… One common avoidant method for keeping things low-key is fixing on a romantic ideal (see below left). If you’re dating someone who acts this way and hints that things would be different if only you were better, don’t take it personally: they’re trying to manage their own feelings, and it’s not really about you. If you’re the avoidant one, though, and you know you act this way but you tell yourself that with the right person you wouldn’t have to—don’t listen to those thoughts. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, and any partner’s flaws and needs will start to bother you eventually. The thing to do at that stage is remind yourself you’re feeling anxiety and focus on communication and selfcalming: the problem may not be that you’re with the wrong person, and you can fix it without ending the relationship if you try.

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SOMEONE LIKE YOU? WHEN QUALITIES IN COMMON HELP, AND WHEN THEY DON’T Birds of a feather flock together, or opposites attract? When it comes to picking a partner, which of the two old sayings is closer to the truth? Does variety add to the spice of life, or is compatibility the key? THE BIG FIVE Studies have identified five dimensions that form the building blocks of personality, each representing a broad spectrum of traits. Your personality is a unique blend from across the Big Five.

Extroversion (sociability and enthusiasm)

Agreeableness (friendliness and kindness)

Neuroticism (emotional stability)

Openness to experience (curiosity and imagination)

Conscientiousness (organization and work ethic)

hared interests and tastes can help, of course, while a new partner may bring new interests and tastes into our life, but when it comes to relationship happiness, our basic attitudes are what really count. Complex minds? Are you a complicated thinker, or do you like things more clear cut? Would you call yourself an intellectual, or do you prefer things down-to-earth and basic? The odds are that whatever you answer, your best romantic bet is someone similar to you. A 1997 study in the Journal of Constructivist Psychology compared people’s cognitive complexity in three areas: social, task-oriented, and intellectual. The results? People tended to go for people like themselves: HC (high complexity) subjects were more attracted to HC people than LC (low complexity), while LC subjects rated LC people higher than the HC people

did. Birds of a feather, it would seem, though there was a variation: LC people showed an unexpected (and somewhat unrequited) attraction to complex people. The conclusion seems to be that when picking partners, we want someone at least as complex as ourselves, if not more so. It may also be a hint that if you’re considering casting your eye on someone much more complex than you, you might do better to skip over them and look for someone more straightforward like you. Matching temperaments? Do you want someone whose disposition is like yours, or someone different? It may sound vain to say you want someone similar, but if you do, you’re in the majority: a 2014 study from the Journal of Research in Personality found that a major predictor of romantic satisfaction was perceiving your partner as like yourself. The personality qualities tested in this case were psychology’s remarkably universal Big Five: extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness to experience (see left).

SOMEONE LIKE YOU?

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Dominant

DOMINANCE How forceful are you? According to the 2007 study by Patrick and Charlotte Markey, we do best with someone who’s our equal in warmth but opposite in Authoritative, dominance.

Protective, demonstrative, wants partner to be proud of them

ﬁrm boundaries, wants partner to respect them

Warm

Aloof

Loyal, supportive, wants partner to value them

Co-operative, private, wants partner to appreciate them

Submissive

When it comes to the fundamentals, it seems we mostly want harmony. There is a quality this study didn’t test, though, which psychologists call dominance: how forceful a personality you have, and how aggressive you are in going after what you want. A study in 2007 by psychologists Patrick and Charlotte Markey tested couples for dominance and also for warmth: some people like lots of affection and some prefer a little digniﬁed distance. The results in this case suggested that difference can sometimes help: the happiest couples had a similar level of warmth, but a dissimilar level of dominance—

perhaps because one accommodating partner saves on needless conﬂict. Want to agree? When it comes to harmony, the key may be this: we may or may not want someone exactly like ourselves, but we do want someone who cares what we think. In 2013, the Journal of Social Psychology described an experiment in which people met a stranger, discussed social issues about which they disagreed, and then rated their attractiveness after receiving the psychologists’ feedback on whether the stranger’s attitudes had shifted closer to theirs. In fact the

feedback was false—the researchers made it up to reﬂect different degrees of attitude adjustment. Result: the more someone appeared to change their mind after a disagreement, the more attractive they were rated. In the search for love, it seems that compatible personalities are a great starting point—though compatible doesn’t always mean identical—but that everybody likes a partner who takes their opinions seriously. If you can ﬁnd a person who suits your disposition and then show them your great listening skills (see pages 106–107), you could be on the road to happiness.

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COUNTING THE YEARS DO AGE GAPS REALLY MATTER?

oy toy, arm candy, cradle robber, cougar: there are a lot of nasty names for people who date someone years older or younger. With such a background of social disapproval, you may ﬁnd yourself hesitating to date someone out of your own generation, even if the two of you hit it off: do you have enough in common, are you sure they’re not just taking advantage, and is this really healthy? Sounding the warnings Why do intergenerational romances have such a bad reputation? Part of it may simply be the atavistic part of our brains telling us that relationships are for producing children. A socalled May-December couple’s reproductive peaks don’t align, so bystanders may instinctively feel they shouldn’t be together. This isn’t very logical, of course: both men and women can have children later in life, and even if they don’t, there are more reasons to be together and more ways to be a family than traditional childbearing.

½ + 7? When it comes to dating a much older or younger partner, there’s no getting around it: people are going to comment. Even open-minded people will probably sound a note of caution. Do they have a point?

A proverbial piece of advice— often attributed to French entertainer Maurice Chevalier—is that you shouldn’t date anyone younger than half your age plus seven. He didn’t always take his own advice, though: he is said to have dated a woman of 36 when he was 23 and a woman of 32 when he was 64.

COUNTING THE YEARS There’s also a less primitive concern: different generations are not balanced in what they bring to the relationship. The younger partner brings youth, a valuable sexual asset, while the older partner brings greater experience and maturity, and often more money and status as well. The fear that one is exploiting another—that the nubile body or larger bank balance is the only thing your partner sees in you— will loom large in some minds. Getting it right If you look at the statistics of age-gap relationships, the outlook isn’t nearly so dire. In 2008, an American study of heterosexual couples found that the happiest relationships of all were “women-older” ones, while a study of Canadian divorce rates in 1990–91 found that the couples least likely to divorce were those with a much older husband! Either way, couples who commit despite an age gap may turn out to be very stable and contented. Is there a key to success? Probably the best answer is to be aware of your differences as something to balance

rather than exploit. Sex columnist Dan Savage formulated the famous campsite rule for dating younger partners: as with visiting a campsite, you should leave your partner “better off than you found them,” with “no STDs, no fertilized eggs, no restraining orders, no emotional trauma, and with improved sexual skills.” Of course, this is a pretty good rule for any relationship (unless fertilized eggs are something you want), but as long as you’re sure your partner likes you for yourself and not for your age, there’s no reason not to give the relationship a try. Statistics suggest that if you can make it work, it could work very well indeed.

... this maiden, who was called May ... shall be married to this January Geoffrey Chaucer in The Canterbury Tales— The Merchant's Prologue

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BRIDGING THE GAP If you think you’ve met the right person, whether older or younger, a few tips to help keep the relationship happy:

1 2

Know what appeals. If they were your age, would you still love them?

Be each other’s rock. Unless you’re very lucky, friends and family will comment. If the relationship lasts and clearly makes you both happy, they’ll probably stop—but be sure you can support each other in the meantime.

Don’t obsess about it. You’re both likely to get self-conscious if you dwell on the age gap too much. Be together and focus on other things.

Accept the cultural differences. Dating across generations can be like dating across nationalities or cultures. Don’t be threatened by that; it’s part of who you both are.

WHAT THE STATISTICS SAY Most people marry someone close to their own age—one third marry someone up to a year older or younger, according to US population data for 2013. See below for the many statistical outliers: there’s no reason your relationship couldn't be among them.

Age Gap

Husbands

Wives

2–3 years older

20.4% of husbands are 2–3 years older than their wives.

6.5% of wives are 2–3 years older than their husbands.

4–9 years older

24.9%

10–19 years older

6.4%

1.3%

20+ years older

0.3%

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WORTH A SECOND DATE? WHO SHOULD YOU SEE AGAIN? We often feel that if attraction or connection don’t happen at once, they aren’t going to happen. If we stick to that in our dating, and expect to find love at first sight (or on a first date), could we be missing out?

veryone has their own idea of Mr. or Ms. Right, and how detailed that picture is varies from person to person. Most of us know that no real individual is going to match our mental image precisely: instead, we tend to take an interest in people based on whether or not it feels right. How far do we trust our feelings as a guide? If someone turns out to be a real dud on your ﬁrst date, there’s no need to give them a second chance. Have you ever dated someone, though, who seemed perfectly okay—attractive, nice, interesting—but somehow you just couldn’t feel a spark? If so, did you decide it wasn’t worth trying again with a second date? The trouble is, what we tend to associate with the spark and what will actually make us happy in a relationship may not be the same thing. Promising, or just familiar? Suppose you want a deep connection, but have a history of dating people

who are emotionally unavailable—or you love your work and friends, but always seem to get partners who want your undivided attention 24/7. You don’t want these kinds of relationships, but they seem to keep happening. Maybe you have some unresolved issues that steer you in the wrong direction (see pages 28–29), or maybe you’ve just had bad luck: either way, your love life

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT? Psychology professor John Wiseman asked some Edinburgh speed daters to fake attraction. About 20 percent of the control group (who hadn’t faked anything) said they’d like to meet their speed dates again—as did 45 percent of the fakers. It seems faking it can more than double your chances!

keeps running into the same problems. If you’ve met someone new, your dearest hope is that this time it will be different. Here’s the twist: if it’s different, it will feel different—and because it doesn’t feel like the last few times you got interested in someone, you might assume you aren’t interested this time. Exciting or scary? Falling for someone who isn’t a safe haven for us (see pages 16– 19) can be unnerving. The rush of feeling is hard to sort out: we feel thrilled, hopeful, scared, and unhappy all at the same time, sometimes so intensely that we can barely think straight. If you have a somewhat anxious attachment style, you’re particularly prone to this (see pages 148–149), but even if you don’t, the uncertainty carries a major adrenaline rush. If you’re used to the adrenaline, meeting someone predictable can feel a little dull. They’re interesting to talk to, but they don’t keep you guessing—and if you’re not guessing, you assume you’re not intrigued. But if you want a long-term relationship,

WORTH A SECOND DATE?

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LEARNING FROM EXPERIENCE If our expectations of love are based on people who aren’t very good for us—say we’ve had bad luck with partners or we grew up in an environment full of tension—we may not know how to deal with feeling calm:

If you’re puzzled by the lack of a spark on a ﬁrst date, try going through this sequence instead, to see whether your new date is worth a second chance:

Last time I was in love, it didn’t pan out. New start, please.

Last time I was in love, I felt keyed up all the time.

Hey, a new date! How do I feel?

Hey, a new date! Do I want to spend time with this person?

Keyed up? No, I feel pretty calm.

Do I enjoy their company?

Huh. I’m not excited.

I must not be interested. Time to move on.

Not worth my time.

bear in mind that a baseline of predictability is a good thing: you should be able to predict reliably that someone will treat you well. None of us really wants someone who may disappear for weeks or lose their temper without warning—we want someone we can trust.

Think twice If your ﬁrst date goes okay but doesn’t seem very exciting, it’s probably worth going on a second. That’s not a major commitment, and sometimes people grow more fascinating over time. The key is to distinguish between someone who

YES

Let’s see if I get excited about them as we get to know each other.

doesn’t excite you because they’re a dull person and someone who doesn’t excite you because they don’t drag you through the familiar sleepless nights and heartache. The ﬁrst type doesn’t merit a third date—but the second could turn out to be the most romantic thing ever to happen to you.

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JUGGLING PROSPECTS WHEN THERE’S MORE THAN ONE PERSON ON THE HORIZON

f you meet more than one attractive prospect, you may find yourself caught between making the wrong choice and losing them all by delaying. Can you try a period of multiple dating? That depends on two things: culture and context. Any cultural assumptions? How acceptable it is to date multiple people depends a great deal on your culture: your nationality and religion, but also the subcultures you move in. In some circles, a date clearly marks the start of an exclusive relationship. In others, early dating is an audition process and no exclusivity should be assumed until you agree otherwise. So ask yourself: what are the default assumptions of your own culture? And what are the assumptions of the person or people you’d like to date? How did you meet? Where you met is also important. If you know a person through mutual friends and you find you’re growing closer, the implied commitment is greater than when you like someone’s dating site profile and exchange a few chatty e-mails. If you are interested in one or more colleagues, be extremely careful: office romances are touchy in the best of times (see pages 70–71), and the issues multiply with more than one romance in view.

MET ON THE NET?

Sometimes, more than one attractive person comes along at once—especially if you’re Internet dating. Can you try dating them all, or should you make a choice up front? Is there an ethical way to date several folks?

How can you know whether someone is serious about you or still auditioning candidates? Log onto the dating site and check their profile status: only assume it’s exclusive once you’ve both taken your profiles offline.

JUGGLING PROSPECTS

RULE NUMBER ONE Be honest. You don’t have to disclose your whole social schedule on a ﬁrst date, but you do need to be fair once things start to progress. Here are some useful phrases: ■

I’d like us to get to know each other before we commit to making anything exclusive. Are you okay with that?

■

How would you feel about dating nonexclusively for a while? That way we can both be sure we’re picking the right person.

■

I feel more comfortable dating nonexclusively and taking things slowly until we’re both sure. What would work for you?

The key is to make it clear that their feelings matter too. Start as you mean to go on, and communicate openly.

BREAKING THE NEWS

BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE If you are seeing several people, keep some space between your dates, and remember these key points:

One of your dates is the cream of the crop and you’re ready to commit? Time to tell the others—top tips include:

1 Don’t go to the same places with

■

Tell them face to face; it’s more respectful and shows you’re prepared to make the effort.

■

Be afﬁrming: “I’ve decided to get serious with someone else, but I’ve had a wonderful time with you and I really hope all goes well for you.” They’ve done nothing wrong, so be nice.

■

Respect their right to be upset. They may take it casually, but they may feel like it’s a breakup. Their disappointment is a compliment. Let them feel whatever they feel.

■

If you’d like to stay friends, don’t make the offer without talking to your newly committed partner ﬁrst. If your soon-to-be-ex-date doesn’t want to be friends that’s their decision, so don’t push.

■

Get it over with. It’s only fair to everyone concerned, and signals your sincerity to your new partner.

different people. You don’t want the waiters, bartenders, or regulars making comments.

2 Schedule your dates on separate days. Rushing from one person to another means that any time with one cuts into time with another, which isn’t fair on them. Give enough time to each date so they get your full attention.

3 When booking dates with them, don’t say “Not Friday, I’ve got another date then.” It’s one thing to know your date may be seeing other people; it’s another if they rub it in your face. Just say “I can’t do Friday” and suggest another time.

4 Keep friends and family out of it. You’ll spare yourself interference, and avoid implying you’re more committed than you are. Meeting friends and family is bringing someone into your life: wait until you’re sure you want to do that.

Looking to change? If you have a history of getting into the wrong relationships and want to change, a period of multiple dating can be helpful. Sometimes love takes a while to get going; if you’re dating around, there’ll be less temptation to panic and kick out the nice ones before you’ve really given them the chance to win your heart. As a general rule of thumb, the more opportunities you have to get to know someone without romance, the more commitment will be implied by

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a date. If you have to go on a date to get to know someone, multiple dates may be reasonable. If you can get to know them by going to the same parties or chatting over the water cooler, a date implies some kind of transition. Multiple dating can be complicated, and some of us may be better suited to it than others. But if you can handle it without exhausting yourself or misleading your partners, it can be a good way to build up your conﬁdence and be sure that whoever you ﬁnally pick is the best choice.

3:14

Some research suggests that on average, men know they’re falling in love after three dates; for women, it takes 14.

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CONFESSIONS AND SECRETS HOW TO BROACH DELICATE SUBJECTS

iming can be everything when it comes to sharing conﬁdences. Here are three of the big ones that are far more common than we might think... Children If you have children from a previous relationship, that’s important and will need to be acknowledged. That much is obvious. The question is, though, when to bring it up? Sooner is probably better; it looks manipulative and odd to stay quiet for more than a date or so. Women are particularly prone to worry that men won’t date a mother, but take a look at the statistics below. Besides, your children are nothing to be ashamed of—more likely, you’re proud of them—so be open about them. Mental illness If you have suffered a breakdown, you may be worried it will put people off. Mental illness is a painful experience

12 million The US Census Bureau counted 12 million single-parent families in 2013—twice the number recorded in 1960.

Some subjects are awkward to bring up: you know they’ll have to be discussed at some point, but there’s the temptation to put them off. Better to gather your nerve and start thinking ahead…

77%

In a US dating site survey of 2,000 men in 2013, 77 percent said it wouldn’t matter to them if a woman they liked had children.

CONFESSIONS AND SECRETS and can be painful to discuss: the fear of being misunderstood as a crazy person rather than a normal person who’s had to deal with illness is very real. In fact, mental illnesses are very common. The UK charity Mind says that the number of people reporting anxiety and depression in a single year (2009) equates to 9.7 percent of the population. There’s a chance your date, too, has suffered a mental illness, or knows someone who has. Even so, mental illness is usually not something to bring up in early dates. Many people keep it secret for fear of discrimination, in the workplace and elsewhere: if it’s not widely known that you’ve been ill, you need to be sure you can trust your date before you tell them. Waiting a while can also give them the opportunity to see that, despite your problems, you are a rational, reasonable, and safe person. In a committed relationship, each partner is involved in the other’s wellbeing, so a serious romance will

involve disclosing the illness at some point. You need to know that your partner will support you. Once you decide to disclose, it’s best not to make a big deal of it. Simply say plainly that you’ve had problems in the past, emphasize that you’re saying this because you trust your partner with the information, and be sure to include any reassuring details about how you manage the illness. That way, you can show your partner that you handle it as part of your life, which will make them more comfortable with seeing it as part of theirs. Those stupid pictures An ill-advised upload can go around the world within the hour, and if a past partner has embarrassing photos or e-mails—those things that seemed like naughty fun at the time and have become an excruciating mistake in retrospect—you may dread becoming a public spectacle. (Especially if your ex turns out not to be the decent

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person you thought they were.) You’ll probably feel a lot better if you can tell your partner: then you can tell your ex to “publish and be damned” because it won’t do you any harm as far as your love life goes. When is the right moment to do this, though? Your best choice is probably in the early sexual stages of your relationship. That’s when you’re getting to know each other physically anyway, and when you'll probably be discussing your pasts: at that point, your partner knows you’re up for a bit of fun, and can agree with you that any public disclosure of your personal past is just your ex being nasty. If your new partner responds by pressuring you to do similar things and you don’t want to, be careful: they should respect your boundaries (see pages 142–143), not exploit your conﬁdences. But as a general rule, embarrassing material gains most of its power from secrecy: break the secrecy, and the power to harm will be reduced.

WHEN AND WHERE? If you’ve got something to say, you need to pick your time and place with care.

Good

Bad

At home. Comfortable and private. Your place may be better if they need time to think: they can leave more easily than they can kick you out of their place.

In a busy restaurant. The pressure not to make a scene can raise the tension unnecessarily.

Walking in a park. You can keep out of other people’s earshot, and it’s a calm environment.

While driving. Even if you don’t cause an accident, being a captive audience can cause resentment.

In the middle of a date. That gives you time to relax with each other and time to discuss it.

After sex. Never a good idea—it’s manipulative and you know it.

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SAYING IT WITH FLOWERS

GIFT GIVING AND WHAT IT MEANS

We all love a little treat, and when it comes from someone we care about, it means all the more. Sometimes, though, it puts us under pressure. What’s the best way to handle gifts in a relationship?

n the surface, a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates seem such simple things. When it comes to gifts, though, there’s actually a complicated social dance going on: how we give and receive can have a tremendous significance in our relationships. Exchange rates When someone gives you a gift, how do you feel? Delighted, hopefully, if the gift is a nice one—but there’s also a slight nudge at the back of your mind: now you probably have to give them something at some point. We tend to feel that a onesided gift creates an imbalance in the relationship that we need to fix—not necessarily with the same kind of gift, but with something of roughly equal value, either in cost or in effort. If that all sounds a bit mercenary, think again—it’s actually a core component of nonmercenary relationships. Anthropologist Laura Bohannan described a good example: arriving to stay at a Tiv community in Nigeria, she found that the local women gave her various small gifts, such as a chicken or a few tomatoes. She was unsure how to respond until two new friends explained: she should, at a discreet interval, give gifts in return. But her gifts couldn’t be exactly equivalent in value. They

The manner of giving is worth more than the gift. Pierre Corneille French playwright, in The Liar, 1644

SAYING IT WITH FLOWERS

$18.6 billion

According to the National Retail Federation, in 2013 Americans spent $18.6 billion on Valentine’s Day gifts, averaging $131 per person (topped by $169 on Mother's Day).

had to be worth either slightly more or slightly less. That way, the debt would remain slightly uneven no matter who was giving what, and the amicable exchange would have to continue indefinitely. Giving an exactly equivalent gift was a sign you no longer wanted to be friends. Nor is that unique to Nigeria's Tiv community. In every culture, psychologists observe a difference between what they call social norms and market norms— gift-exchange relationships in which the reward is a sense of connection—and closed financial interactions such as a purchase from a store. In fact, evidence suggests we may do more for a social connection than for a financial reward. In research by James Heyman and Dan Ariely, published in 2004 in Psychological Science, volunteers gave up on an impossible task more quickly when they were being paid than when they were doing it for free: the ones whose reward was to feel they were helping out put in the most effort. We

51%

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233 million roses

After cards, the most popular gift on Valentine’s Day is candy (51 percent), followed by ﬂowers and eating out (each 36 percent), and jewelry (19 percent).

. . . were grown for US valentines in 2013. Some 73 percent of all valentine bouquets are bought by men, while 14 percent of women buy themselves ﬂowers.

are evolved to want to feel connected, and a sense of doing favors is one of the most powerful connectors.

someone—and the mutual exchange becomes a dance of subtle, attentive reciprocity. That’s how you know that respect and appreciation are alive and well in your romance.

Love is… What does this have to do with romance? The key point is this: unless you’re looking for an unequal relationship, the presents you give each other are best seen as an equal exchange. When you’re trying to balance the relationship, gifts can become a subtle language to communicate your sense of each other’s value, not a bidding war. It’s for this reason that you’re advised to be careful of a partner who presses huge favors or expensive gifts on you without your consent: fundamentally, they may be trying to create a sense of indebtedness, which could signal abusive motives (see pages 156–157). What you want is a relationship where each of you is sensitive to your partner’s tastes—a thoughtful present can say a lot about how closely you observe and dearly value

WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? We may do more for a social norm than a market one (see left), but be careful: if a social norm is treated like a market one (dinner, say, in return for sex), it becomes a market exchange, and probably you aren’t paying enough. If you assume buying dinner means anything more, you’ve treated the social norm like a market one—as a payment, not a kindness bestowed to further a social relationship—and your date will not forgive you. If you go further and tell them what the dinner cost, it’s a good way to get slapped in the face for implying someone’s favors can be bought.

CHAPTER 4

ESTABLISHING

THE RELATIONSHIP FROM ATTRACTION TO COMMITMENT

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CHAPTER 4: ESTABLISHING THE RELATIONSHIP

FAST TRACK, SLOW TRACK GETTING THE PACE RIGHT FOR YOU

Sometimes a date just feels right, but sometimes you need a little time to make up your mind. Does slow and steady win the race for you, or do you see no reason to delay a good thing?

ometimes you’re totally in love and ready to move forward right away. Sometimes, though, you need a little time to be sure. If your partner feels the same way, then all is well—but how do you make sure the pace is right for both of you? Getting attached Our pace of commitment is guided to some extent by our attachment style (see pages 16–19). People with an anxious attachment style are very aware of any hint of rejection and feel most comfortable with regular reassurance. The early stages of a relationship, when rejection is still a distinct possibility, can be a difﬁcult time for them—thrilling, but stressful. Reassurance can be as simple as “I’ve been looking forward to this evening.” If you are anxious, be upfront and ask for such assurances: the right person for you is someone who appreciates the directness. If you’re dating someone anxious, remember they can sometimes panic and be demanding: telling them to back off will probably only agitate them further. If you really do like them, tell them; it will make everything else easier. On the other hand, if you’re more of an anxious person who is trying to break old habits after a string of wildly exciting but ultimately unhappy relationships (see pages 28– 29), you may be deliberately choosing a slower pace. If so, congratulations— and remember not to transform your fear of rejection for being too needy into fear of rejection for being too distant. A person who likes you won’t vanish just because you slow things down a little. How slow is too slow? People toward the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum are the commitment phobes of the dating world: a slow path to intimacy—or

FAST TRACK, SLOW TRACK even a slow path to not-too-muchintimacy—is their comfort zone. If you’re dating an avoidant person, remember that hesitating to get close isn’t necessarily hesitating about you: they have their limits, and it will take a lot to change them. If you are the avoidant one, be as fair as possible. You have the right to your space, but if you need to ask for it, make it clear that this is your issue, not your partner’s fault. Pulling away can worry even secure people, so if you really do like this person, give any reassurance you can. It will probably gain you more space in the end: a worried partner makes more demands than a calm one! Opening up The pacesetters of a relationship aren’t all obvious. A commitment is

usually clear, but sharing a painful secret, for example, is also a key marker of growing intimacy. If you’re anxious, you may rush to conﬁde everything at once, which can make your partner feel more like a therapist than an equal. In the early stages, don’t forget that friends, too, can help calm an agitated attachment system (see pages 38–39). On the other hand, how a partner reacts to important disclosures is absolutely vital in establishing intimacy: responding with empathy and interest can do more to keep the relationship moving forward than any amount of short breaks and bouquets. A comfortable pace is based on mutual respect for each other’s needs. Open communication of those needs is vital: if you can understand and accept each other in the early stages, you’re laying an excellent foundation for the future.

WANT TO SLOW THINGS DOWN? If things are moving too fast, run yourself through this checklist:

Why do I feel this way? Am I not sure I want to be with this person at all? Or do I like them, but just don’t feel ready for this much change in my life this soon? This is something you need to settle in your own mind right away, before you raise the subject with your date. What are the key issues? Do I need more time to myself, or to spend with other people? Am I feeling territorial about my home? Are they talking like they’re assuming a level of commitment I never promised? If you can identify exactly what’s bothering you, you’re likely to get a lot further.

How do I think they’ll take the news? No one likes being told to back off when they’re in love, but if you present it right, do you think your partner will accept it? Or will they refuse to respect your limits?

What am I willing to do to compromise? For instance: maybe I need more time to myself, but I can assure my partner that I do value our time together. Or: ideally I’d like my tiny apartment to myself, but I could clear a drawer for their stuff. Knowing what you’re prepared to do in exchange for slowing down can help keep things positive. (If you’re not willing to do anything, though, or your date won’t compromise, are you sure you want to be in this relationship?)

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YES, THIS IS A BIG DEAL! What counts as a major sign of commitment? A survey of a thousand heterosexual women in the UK found that some of the top ten “not in the ﬁrst three months” no-no’s were, on the face of it, a lot more serious than others: ■

Go away for the weekend together.

■

Pass gas in front of him.

■

Meet his parents.

■

Introduce him to her parents.

■

Burp in front of him.

■

Wear comfy clothes when he’s around.

■

Let him see her in big pants.

■

Wear face cream in bed with him.

■

Wear mismatched undies.

■

Go makeup free.

Meanwhile, one in four women said they'd happily send a racy text or a sassy selfie after the first date... What we’re really afraid of is our partners seeing us as the undignified, imperfect people we sometimes are: we want to keep up a good image until we’re sure we won’t drive someone away. We want to be loved for our true selves—but sometimes we feel a need to present our polished selves before we risk revealing that our true self sometimes burps or wears big pants.

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KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES HOW TO KEEP YOUR LIMITS HEALTHY Although we all have different ideas of the perfect balance in a relationship, we all want the right mix of closeness and independence. Where do we draw the line between intimate and inappropriate?

s we talk of boundaries, it’s useful to know exactly what we mean. Some boundaries are physical: people aren’t allowed to touch you unless you allow it, and you get to determine which kinds of touch are acceptable and which aren’t. Some are psychological and emotional: there are subjects that you’d rather not discuss, names

you’d rather not be called, methods of persuasion you’d rather not be subjected to. Boundaries are how we preserve our physical and mental integrity: there are forms of contact and interaction that we’ll accept with everyone, others that we’ll accept with only a few close friends, others only with a romantic partner, and others with no one at all.

MAKE YOURSELF HEARD Communication is crucial, so make sure your tone isn’t a distraction. If you can keep your approach constructive but assertive, you stand the best chance of success.

Passive

Disrespecting oneself

Assertive communication

Respecting both

Aggressive

Disrespecting the other

One sign of a potentially dangerous partner is their refusal to accept our boundaries (see pages 156–157), but negotiating them is an important part of even the healthiest relationship. Where are your limits? Think of your own boundaries in two ways. The ﬁrst is as a measure of a potential partner’s respect for you and compatibility with you: you want someone who both accepts your boundaries and communicates their own boundaries clearly—and has boundaries you can live with. If you hate talking about your childhood, say, a partner should respect that, but if they really aren’t comfortable with someone whose childhood is a closed subject, you may just not work out. It's all too easy to get into conﬂict about boundaries by mixing them up with issues of control. Boundaries put limits on other people’s behavior. When it comes to dating, it’s crucial we choose someone who’s prepared to respect those limits—not someone who exploits the concept and whose boundaries stop you from doing things you have a right to do. Drawing the line can sometimes be complicated, but the simplest line is this: if it’s about doing something to you, it’s a boundary; if it’s about doing

KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES

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SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES What if you’re not happy about something, or not willing to do something? Being clear about your own feelings is the best way to go—after all, your partner won’t know (or can only guess) unless you tell them.

Boundaries show you treasure your life as your own best friend. Jan Black author of Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life

Decide what you want.

Communicate respectfully but ﬁrmly.

KEEPING TABS ON YOURSELF When we’re deep in a relationship, we can sometimes lose track of what’s me and what’s my partner. A few tips to help you stay comfortably distinct:

Be consistent in your behavior: if you said “No,” act “No.”

Let your partner respond, remembering that you both have the right to your feelings.

✔ Be self-aware. Keep conscious of your own thoughts and opinions, including how they’re like or unlike your partner’s. Try to understand and accept what you’re feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable. ✔ Assert yourself. No need to be aggressive, but if you disagree, or want to do something, say so.

something separate from you, such as chatting to an ex, it may be annoying, but it’s not a boundary issue. “Don’t tickle me” is laying down a boundary and should be accepted without argument; “Don’t wear that stupid hat” is not a boundary and is subject to negotiation. Am I still me? The second crucial aspect of boundaries is maintaining your sense of self during a relationship: even a loving couple can ﬁnd their identities blurring a little, and it helps refresh the relationship if you can keep

yourselves as two individuals. Minor disagreements and different interests needn’t be a threat to the relationship; having someone around who sees things differently can provide an excellent reality check. When it comes to ﬁnding love, the real question is this: which of your boundaries are nonnegotiable, and which might you let down with the right person? This can be a great way to judge how comfortable you feel with a new partner. If they respect the former and you can picture them being allowed past the latter, you may be on to something wonderful.

✔ Respect your own interests. If they’re worthwhile to you, then they’re worthwhile. ✔ Set limits. If something bothers you, bring it up and ask for change. You may have to compromise, but better to talk about it than push the feelings back down. ✔ Look after yourself. You need time to sleep, eat well, exercise, and have fun; no one can stay healthy without some self-care. ✔ Be compassionate to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Give yourself a break: your feelings matter even if you’re not perfect.

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NIPPING IT IN THE BUD HOW TO KEEP A SMALL PROBLEM FROM TURNING INTO A BIG ONE

ll of us can sometimes bottle things up in the early stages of a relationship—if it’s new and precious, we dread breaking the spell. But it's inevitable that if you are going to stay in this relationship, you are going to have clashes. Get it over with How you navigate conflict will be crucial to your future happiness. Communication is key: you need to know whether it’s safe to raise disagreements. Best find out while a problem is still small: if that comment they made this morning hurt your feelings, it’s not a big deal for you to say, “Hey, I felt a little upset today.” If you store it up, saying “Hey, I felt a little upset last month” will seem much worse, and the likely response—“You’ve been brooding on it all this time?”—won't get your first disagreement off on the right foot. Consider a small problem as a dry run, and practice raising objections over something that bothers you but isn’t too serious. That way, when something bigger comes up, you'll have a better idea of how to handle it. No one likes to move out of the honeymoon, never-had-a-quarrel stage. But raising an issue doesn’t necessarily mean having a quarrel,

SNAPPISH OR SNACKISH?

Your new partner keeps doing that thing that upsets or irritates you. You don’t want to cause problems, and you haven’t had your ﬁrst quarrel yet—but are you making things worse by staying quiet?

Feeling annoyed with your partner? It could be your blood sugar. If you’re irritable, you might be “hangry” (hungry and angry), so make sure you have a snack before you start a ﬁght. The quickest way to ﬁx your blood glucose levels is carbohydrates or sugar, so nibble on something carby or sweet and see if you feel better.

NIPPING IT IN THE BUD

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GOOD OPENING LINES Not sure how to bring it up? Try some of these:

Listen, can we settle something? I’m kind of bothered by this and I’d like to move past it.

I’ve been worrying about something and I’d like to sort it out with you— is that okay?

There’s something on my mind—is it okay if we clear the air?

and if your partner has upset you, the honeymoon is already over. It’s time to move on to the “don’t-have-anyproblems-we-can’t-handle” stage. Admit it Sometimes the issue isn’t that your partner has upset you; it’s that you’ve upset them. At this point, you may be terrified your partner will leave, or you may block them out to avoid a scene. But remember: if your partner is able to raise the issue constructively, that’s a good sign. It means they want to resolve things with you: they want to do this relationship right. The simplest solution is the best: apologies work. In 2014, a study in PNAS (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences) questioned 337 partners who’d had a serious fight: after a simple apology, they rated their partner more highly and felt more confident the relationship would last. It even made victims of crimes more likely to forgive the criminal.

Hey, I’m feeling a little upset—can we talk about it?

Asking for and offering an apology is something anyone in a relationship has to do sometimes. Don’t put it off: the quicker you do it, the quicker you can ﬁx things and start to feel better. If you’re not convinced, though, and feel anxious about apologizing, you might question whether you really want to be with a partner who wouldn’t accept your apology or who’d turn it against you.

5 a day

Try a hug. The ideal relationship has ﬁve cuddles a day, according to 2,000 couples who took part in a UK survey.

You know yesterday? I’m sure you didn’t mean it, but I’ve been feeling anxious about something.

THE PERFECT APOLOGY The 2014 study in PNAS (see left) found that the most effective apologies had three components: 1 Show and admit regret. Say “I’m sorry” like you really are. 2 Take responsibility. None of that “I’m sorry you feel that way”, or “I’m sorry if…” It’s “I’m sorry I upset you” or nothing. If you did something wrong, own up to it and don’t deﬂect. Fake apologies just make you sound like a shady politician. 3 Do something to make amends. Sweep up the mess you made, book a nice evening together, offer a gift … the point is to do something that actively proves you want to help your partner feel better.

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OFF TO BED— OR NOT PASSING THAT MAJOR THRESHOLD he answer is going to depend on a lot of questions. Are you young and inexperienced, or mature and assured? Are you a free agent, or do you have children to consider? Are you feeling great and ready for anything, or do you need time to rebuild your conﬁdence? Does your culture support nonmarital sexual relationships, or do you need a serious commitment before you can even consider sex? All that’s before you even consider your partner!

right person, but it can also be useful if you’re used to dating unsuitable people and you’re trying to give a chance to someone nicer (see pages 130–131): a hit of oxytocin—and vasopressin, if you’re a man—might get you over feeling only lukewarm and leave you blissfully bonded to someone suitable. This does not mean that you have to sleep with someone you’re not sure about, only that you may feel hotter for someone nice after you’ve gone to bed. It does mean be careful if you’re dating someone unsuitable. They may be sexy, but sleeping with them won't get them out of your system. Our hormones can play tricks on our emotions and judgment, so don’t set yourself up for heartbreak.

Watch your hormones Before you jump into bed, take a little time to think. Sex isn’t just about pleasure: it also releases hormones associated with bonding. Once you’ve had sex with someone, especially if the sex was good, you can ﬁnd your feelings changing more than you expect: orgasms release oxytocin, known as the “cuddle hormone”—a potent chemical that makes us fall in love (see pages 154– 155). That’s great if you’re with the

Getting attached Attachment styles can also lead us on a merry dance when it comes to sex: see the chart opposite. Whatever your style, though, the best kind of longterm sexual relationship is one that’s mutually satisfying, respectful, and affectionate, with a solid foundation of emotional connection as well as passion. Sex can be lovely in an emotionally strong relationship, so don’t deny yourself the pleasure if you feel ready.

Few landmarks in a relationship are more major than the progress to sexual intimacy. When you go to bed is one of the most personal decisions you’ll ever make. How do you decide when the time is right for you?

THINKING WITH YOUR HORMONES? In studies of rats, virgin females injected with oxytocin—the hormone that is released by sex and propels bonding—snuggle up with other females’ pups and care for them as if they were their own. When we sleep with someone, that hit of oxytocin may obscure how we felt about them before the sex.

29%

According to an ABC News poll in 2004, 29 percent of Americans have had sex on a ﬁrst date.

OFF TO BED—OR NOT

SEX AND ATTACHMENT Whatever our attachment style (US population percentages are shown right), we carry it into the bedroom. Sex with emotional connection as well as passion is likely to come more naturally if you’re secure than if you're anxious for reassurance or uncomfortable with intimacy. Do any of the issues below sound familiar?

Attachment style

Secure

Anxious

Avoidant

Fundamental fears

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50% 20% 25% SECURE

ANXIOUS

Motives

Not deeply afraid, but still vulnerable to normal fears of heartbreak.

■

Seeking closer connection and mutual pleasure.

■

The most likely to enjoy sex fully and have fun with it.

Frightened of rejection and hungry for acceptance. Anxiously attached women are more likely to be sexually assertive (when it’s not necessarily what they want) or promiscuous. Anxiously attached men are more likely to be sexually reserved, if they think their female partners prefer this.

■

Liable to seek sex as a proof of acceptance—which undermines genuine intimacy and pleasure because it means the sex isn’t really about sex.

■

Tend to worry that their partners don’t love them if they aren’t in the mood.

Intimacy and closeness are scary in any context, including sex.

■

AVOIDANT

Potential risks

■

Staying with a sexually unsatisfying partner out of loyalty.

■

Often sexually unconﬁdent.

■

Particularly vulnerable to sexual exploitation and coercion.

■

Most likely to accept risky practices such as unprotected sex.

■

Can jump to conclusions about the quality of the whole relationship based on a single sexual encounter, good or bad.

Can treat sex as conquests, more to impress peers than get close to a lover. This is the most likely style to have many casual partners.

■

May avoid sex, or lose interest in a committed partner. Sex may not enrich the relationship even if the sex is good.

■

May try to substitute sex for emotional connection.

■

May prefer the safety of masturbation and/or pornography.

May ﬁnd sex uncomfortable or embarrassing, lack skill in bed, or miss out on fun.

■

Can be exploitative.

■

Can be sexually active but lonely.

■

Can take it personally if the sex doesn’t go well that night, worrying it’s a sign they’ll be rejected soon.

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DRIVING YOU CRAZY THE POWER OF THE UNRELIABLE Does the amount you obsess about your dating partner reﬂect the amount of love you feel for them? Not necessarily: sometimes your biology can work against your best interests.

ave you ever been in a relationship where your partner often let you down, yet you couldn’t stop thinking about them? Or have you ever met someone who was charming, attractive, and kind, and yet there wasn't the spark you’d felt with less devoted partners? Do you wish you could ﬁnd someone exciting and nice, but suspect you can’t have both? You’re experiencing an activated attachment system, and it happens to all of us.

Activated attachment systems Whether it’s a parent or a partner, we identify a central person as precious—and we need them to treat us as precious, too. A 2011 study by Ethan Kross found that rejection hits the same parts of the brain that register physical pain: holding a very hot coffee cup and thinking about a recent breakup lit up the same areas on an fMRI scan. Rejection literally hurts. When we feel that pain, we can’t take it: our attachment system

activates, pushing us to ﬁnd ways to feel soothed and safe again. If we’re secure, we can soothe ourselves as well as draw comfort from others. Avoidant people deactivate, pulling away from people and trying to calm down independently. Anxious people hyperactivate, looking to their precious person for reassurance and unable to calm down without it. If we get the reassurance we need, our brain rewards us with oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and dopamine, a chemical that activates the same neural circuits as cocaine and heroin. With each new upset, we chase the high we need, and the reassurance. If you’re an anxious person dating an avoidant partner, they probably won’t want to give it to you. Their self-

THE ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT VICIOUS CIRCLE Anxious people are most worried about abandonment and react by pushing for reassurance. Avoidant people are most worried about being emotionally overwhelmed and react by pushing for space. The result can be a never-ending cycle of mutual misunderstanding and stress.

ANXIOUS I’m scared you don’t care for me. Please reassure me!

AVOIDANT I like that you like me, but you're too needy. Please back off!

DRIVING YOU CRAZY soothing mechanism depends on shutting other people out. If the avoidant partner relents and gives some reassurance, the relief can lead to an oxytocin/dopamine rush. If the relationship becomes a dizzying roller coaster of highs and lows, your brain starts to crave those highs, since it’s the closest you get to love. Needing the high If you're an anxious person who’s used to dating avoidants, be aware. Because the lows are so intense, the highs feel amazing: this, thinks your brain, must be what passion feels like. Except it's not passionate love— it's passionate relief. There are two risks here. One, that you'll stay in an unhappy relationship because the highs are so compelling. Two, that if you meet someone new, you may ﬁnd them unexciting (see pages 130–131) because they don't produce the highs—but that's only because they don't produce the lows. With a secure person, the rush may be gentler, but the supply is steadier. Love will feel different, but better.

CONNECTION AS A PAINKILLER If rejection is painful, love is a pretty good analgesic. A 2006 study led by James Coan at the University of Virginia gave small electric shocks to 16 women who described themselves as happily married. If they got the shock by themselves, they reported it as very painful. If they got it while holding a stranger’s hand, they reported it as fairly painful. But if they got to hold their husband’s hand, they said it was only uncomfortable. A steady connection with someone can spare you pain as well.

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WHO WINS? A full-blown anxious/avoidant clash makes both partners unhappy even if they really do love each other—but the avoidant partner tends to gets more of their way. It’s simply easier to say “No” than it is to force someone to reassure you. The two can end in diametrically opposite places, one needing more, the other less:

ANXIOUS

AVOIDANT

I feel upset. I need some love.

My partner’s upset? This is stressful—I don’t need this.

Oh, no, you’re pulling away! Please reassure me you still love me.

Am I too needy? Maybe I’m just unlovable. Please tell me I’m not unlovable!

Now you’re pulling away even more! I feel awful.

This relationship must be in serious trouble. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.

Oh boy, I can’t handle this drama. I need some space.

Stop hassling me! What’s wrong with you?!

Maybe this isn’t worth it. At least if I’m single I’ll have some peace.

I’ve had it. Let’s just break up.

Once a conﬂict reaches this point, the avoidant is more comfortable saying “My way or the highway,” and there’s not much an anxious partner can do but accept one or the other. The chance for real intimacy is lost, and neither side beneﬁts— though the avoidant person may be less aware of this than the anxious one.

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RELUCTANT FIRE THE POWER OF EXCITEMENT

Your potential new partner is nice, interesting, fun … everything you want, except they don’t excite you. If you could just get a spark going, everything would be perfect. Can you make yourself fall in love?

f you fall for someone without even trying, then it’s reasonable to assume that you have a natural spark. But you may well encounter a person who seems right for you but just doesn’t get your blood racing. Likable companions don’t come along every day, so it’s a big decision: do you settle, do you turn them down and keep looking (at the risk of not finding anyone as nice), or is there a third option? Get your head straight First ask yourself this: is your lack of butterflies really a lack of chemistry, or is your past getting you confused? If you’re in the habit of dating people who mess you up, sometimes you start conflating attraction with anxiety (see pages 148–149): make sure that’s not your problem before you make any big decisions. On the other hand, it may be that this person is not your type. If you physically can’t stand them, it’s probably best to call it quits—but if you aren’t repelled, just not very attracted, you can help to make love happen, or at least give it a nudge... Check the label According to American psychologists Elaine Hatfield and Ellen Berscheid, what they call the “two factor theory of love” comes into play here: the two factors are arousal and labels. Put simply, we associate love with excitement—and sometimes we can also reverse the two, associating excitement with love. If we’ve just survived a car crash or won an award, the next person we meet will stand a much better chance of attracting us: our hearts are pumping and our hands are shaking, and on some level our brains can assume that this person is the cause. We don’t like to be unclear on why we’re feeling what we're feeling, so we look for explanations— and sometimes we get the explanation

RELUCTANT FIRE THE MISATTRIBUTION OF AROUSAL We may think we know our feelings, but the physical sensations of fear, excitement, and desire are almost identical. Sometimes we feel the sensations ﬁrst, then attribute them to whichever emotion seems likeliest in the circumstances.

wrong, through misattribution of arousal. Here's the twist: if we tell ourselves we’re excited because this person is gorgeous, the subsequent excitement probably will be partly caused by this person. Playing with ﬁre? If the two factor theory of love works on us, then by doing something particularly thrilling on a date (see below), we might ﬁnd ourselves growing more attracted. The key is to do it for the right reasons. Lighting

■ ■ ■ ■

Feeling ﬂushed Racing heart Rapid breathing Sweaty palms

Physiological arousal

a reluctant fire for someone just because they’re there, they seem suitable, or you haven’t met anyone else, will only build up trouble. Before you start flooding your system with adrenaline, go on a couple of dates to see if you actually enjoy this person’s company. You deserve someone who makes you happy, and only you can be the judge of whether this person might do that—but if they might, give adrenalin a chance and you could find yourself more attracted than you supposed.

NEED TO GET EXCITED? To light a reluctant ﬁre, try arousing some of these emotions for your date: ✔ Fear. Horror movies are popular with dating couples. If you’re more of a physical daredevil, then roller coasters, parachuting, and extreme sports are another option—at least you’ll have a fun date, even if it doesn’t turn into romance. ✔ Anger. Do you and your date share a common outrage at some injustice in society? Go on a march or get involved in some activism. If you can get angry together, you may see each other through new eyes.

■ ■ ■ ■

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Snarling dog: fear Attractive date: desire Roller coaster: thrill Exam paper: anxiety

Labeling

Trapeze artists must have complicated and compelling love lives. David McRaney Journalist and blogger, on the misattribution of arousal

THE TORMENTS OF LOVE ✔ Urgency. Set strict deadlines for the end of a date so you have to enjoy every minute as the final hour approaches. (Probably best not to tell your date you’re doing this one.) ✔ Drama. Romantic music and films are notorious for getting us in the mood. If you both like opera or sad stories, pick something emotional and see if you can share a good sob. ✔ Sexual arousal. Look through a few suggestive pictures or read a little erotic fiction before the date; some mild sexual frustration might make your date look all the hotter.

If you and your date get to the point of physical intimacy, you might consider a little role-play to spice things up. Stony Brook psychologist Arthur Aron found that some ﬁctional drama could make a real difference. When he cast male student volunteers as soldiers being “tortured” for information by a female research assistant, they became increasingly attracted to their “interrogator.” You needn't go that far if it’s not to your taste. But if you do decide to get sexual, a little bit of fantasy can heighten the excitement—just make sure your partner is willing to take part.

ROMANTIC LOVE

IS ONE OF THE MOST

ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES ON EARTH

HELEN FISHER, ANTHROPOLOGIST AND RESEARCH PROFESSOR, RUTGERS UNIVERSITY

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IS THIS LOVE OR LUST? LISTENING TO YOUR HORMONES

The person in your life seems gorgeous, wonderful, inﬁnitely desirable: you can hardly think of anything else. Are you in love, or just in lust? Just what is your brain up to?

any romantic relationships begin with a rush of desire. We’re making bedroom eyes at the love of our life—someone who really is compatible with us, who will share the bad times as well as the good, and who we’ll eventually love at least as much for their mind as for their body. Or we just want to sleep with them, now. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference. Getting chemical The hormones our bodies release at different stages of a relationship tell an interesting story. Our ﬁrst reaction to an attractive person is lust, as our bodies ﬂood with the sex hormones, estrogen or testosterone. When we fall in love, the attraction hormones kick in: serotonin makes us feel blissful; norepinephrine, a form of epinephrine (adrenalin), gets our hearts racing; and dopamine produces a goaldriven, must-be-with-them attraction. These last two hormones heighten excitement and attention in a giddy cocktail that elates us, gives us energy, lowers our appetite, and makes us obsess: even looking at a picture of your beloved lights up the dopamine receptors of your brain on an fMRI scan. Men are more prone to this than women; the old adage that men fall in and out of love faster than women may have a biological basis. The attachment stage is more about long-term bonding. The big chemical here is oxytocin, the cuddle hormone that makes us grow attached to lovers, spouses, children, family, and friends. For men in particular, another big hormone is vasopressin, a driver for faithfulness. Cooling off? We may remain passionately in love, or our feelings might cool a little as our sense of attachment grows—not because we’ve lost interest, but because oxytocin and vasopressin

IS THIS LOVE OR LUST? interfere with the dopamine and norepinephrine pathways in the brain. This doesn’t mean you stop being attracted, just that you get better able to sleep, eat, and think straight. Your amygdala, which registers intense emotions like fear and desire, is now less overloaded, so it can process information more clearly. If you like a little madness in your romance, take heart: in longterm relationships, addictive hormones called endorphins act on your brain like opiates—you may be hooked on your partner for real. When poets compare love with a fever or madness, they’re not entirely wrong: in love and lust our brains do behave differently. But if you can ﬁnd someone who gets your attachment system going and treats you well, they can help you feel calm and secure as well as excite your senses. With the right person, you may feel healthier and saner than ever before.

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THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE Sexual arousal, physical attraction, and emotional attachment have several chemical origins. The brain deploys just some of the body’s army of hormones as chemical messengers that drive lust, love, and lasting connection. Pheromones are airborne scent chemicals that alert us to a potential mate (see pages 48–49).

Attraction hormones: dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine Attachment hormones: oxytocin, vasopressin The brain releases these hormones into the bloodstream during sex and close intimacy.

Lust hormones: testosterone and estrogen are produced in the sex organs.

STUCK ON YOU Anthropologist Helen Fisher argues that romantic love shares the three main characteristics of chemical addiction: 1 Increasing tolerance. The more you fall for your partner, the more you want to see them. 2 Withdrawal. If you can’t see your beloved, you feel terrible and can’t stop craving them. 3 Relapse. If you break up, you may still burst into tears a year later if the radio plays “our song.” If you’re with someone who’s right for you, love is, as Fisher adds, “a perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well.”

MAPPING THE BRAIN What’s going on inside your head? The brain’s limbic system is the control center for our emotions, memories, and arousal. Olfactory bulb identiﬁes scents and relays the information to the amygdala and hypothamlamus. Pituitary gland secretes hormones and endorphins into the body via the bloodstream

Hypothalamus produces and regulates dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin; this master gland also controls the pituitary and other major glands.

Amygdala registers potential threats and rewards, generating emotions that affect decisions

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SPOTTING REAL DANGER WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER Some people always hurt the ones they love, but it usually takes a while for the victim—and others—to see it. The sooner the better, though, so how can you see abuse coming before it gets really bad?

buse is often invisible. Victims struggle with mixed messages if others see their partner as a great person—the victim may agree, in many ways, and yet still feel emotionally damaged by their controlling behavior. If you’re in this situation, pay attention to your emotions. Spotting an abuser early can be a matter of life or death: of the women murdered by partners, around three-quarters are killed while trying to leave. The sooner you realize someone is dangerous, the less they have invested in the relationship and the more likely they are to let go. It’s also easier for you to leave, before they wear down your resistance. What makes someone abusive? Some—but not all—abusers had painful childhoods, but many people with a bad start make respectful and compassionate partners. Whatever the cause, the essence of an abuser is this: they feel entitled to a partner who never crosses or displeases them, and justiﬁed in using intimidation,

bullying, and/or manipulation when their actual partner (inevitably) does something they don’t like. No one is abusive all the time—in fact, the nice periods are part of the abusive cycle. Nor are all abusers physically violent—some never even shout, but issue a steady stream of hurtful and degrading remarks. When you’re with someone new, watch out for the following signs:

■

■ ■

They’re controlling. Control is central to abuse, and a lot of abuse

15%

The National Crime Victimization Survey reports that in 2011, violence from intimate partners (male and female) accounted for almost 15 percent of all violent crime in the US.

is punishment for resisting control. Do you get a say in the plans? Do they have an image they insist you live up to? Do you get to say no? They’re possessive. It feels ﬂattering to be wanted, but do they act as if they own you? Do they see your interests outside the relationship as a positive or a threat? Are they trustful or jealous? They rush things. Abusers often (though not always) press for early commitment, talking of love, moving in, and marriage before they really know you. They may be more in love with a fantasy than the real you—and may turn nasty if you deviate from that fantasy. They try to isolate you. An abuser wants their partner to think and care about nothing but them.

30%

Four percent of women reported being slapped or shoved by an intimate partner during 2010 in the US; 30 percent have been slapped or shoved by a partner at some point in their lives.

SPOTTING REAL DANGER

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RECOGNIZING THE CYCLE Abusive partners can be very nice after an attack, promising to change and showing remorse. The trouble is, the nice phase is part of what clinical psychologist Lenore Walker identiﬁed as the cycle of abuse. It’s not a change of heart, it’s part of a pattern.

Tension building The abuser starts to store up resentments, growing increasingly angry. The resentments are unreasonable, based on the victim resisting control or being less than perfect.

■

They press excessive gifts or favors on you. Safety expert Gavin de Becker calls this loansharking: if you “owe” someone, you’re easier to push around. They blame other people. Bad behavior? Problems at work? Always someone else’s fault. That someone may increasingly be you. They’re contemptuous of expartners. Lots of people are angry or sad about failed relationships, but beware the person who talks about exes as if they’re worthless. They have mood swings. A person who doesn’t try to manage their emotions will feel entitled to take them out on people. They’re vengeful. A person who generally reacts to disappointment or embarrassment by punishing the culprit may eventually get punitive to you if you upset them.

Incident The abuser decides enough’s enough and lets themselves lash out, tearing into their victim verbally or physically, leaving them horribly hurt and scared.

Calm A period of normalcy follows, but it can’t last because nothing’s really changed: the victim will inevitably annoy the abuser again and tension will start to build.

Reconciliation The abuser feels cathartic and ready to make amends—though apologies often come with justifications or with such dramatic guilt that the victim now comforts them.

■

They’re sexist. If they show a negative attitude to people of the opposite sex, you won’t be an exception forever. They don’t respect your sexual boundaries. If you feel you can’t say no without getting forced, guilt-tripped, cold-shouldered, or otherwise retaliated against, take it seriously.

VIOLENCE IS NOT JUST HITTING If it hurts or scares you, call it violence and plan for your safety. A violent partner might do this:

1 Push, grab, poke, shake, or get scarily close and in your face.

2 Prevent you from leaving a If this rings a bell, what to do? Above all, don’t accept their version of things—in fact, the more they try to undermine your sense that you’re being messed with, the more you should trust your own instincts. If you’re not sure, don’t wait and see, but call a local helpline for advice: better safe than sorry. Whatever anyone says, you deserve respect, consideration, safety, and a full say in your relationships.

frightening situation.

3 Drive recklessly to scare you. 4 Break or throw things at you. 5 Talk about or show weapons, even if they don’t use them. (Using a weapon to intimidate you is using it.)

6 Sexually coerce you or be deliberately too rough in bed.

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IF THE F WORD IS “FAMILY” THE DELICATE ISSUE OF CHILDREN

hatever we may say about evolution, relationships aren’t just about children: we also want a romantic partner we can turn to and rely on to put us ﬁrst. A relationship that’s only about children sounds pretty unromantic to most of us, but there’s no question the issue of parenthood is a major one. If you do want children If you can’t imagine life without children, it’s best to address it before you’ve fully committed to someone. Loving someone who doesn’t want children can be painful: in effect, you’re torn between the adult in front of you and the children you always hoped for one day—which is hardly good for the relationship. When is the right moment to bring it up? Not on a ﬁrst date, obviously, but it’s better to get the question out in the open relatively early. A simple “Do you think you’d ever want to have children?” is enough. It’s usually easier to ask if they like the idea of children in the abstract than if they want children with you: the answer may be yes to the former but “I’m not

HE’D LOVE A BABY IF I HAD ONE

Whether you seriously do or don’t want to have children, you’ll be looking for a partner who shares those aspirations—so how do you ﬁnd out if your new love interest is that person?

If you’re tempted to get pregnant on the sly, don't. Aside from the fact it’s plain wrong to trick anyone into parenthood, you stand a good chance of raising the child alone: kids don’t prevent breakups. In the UK, law ﬁrm Slater & Gordon reported that out of 1,000 divorcing couples, 47 percent had tried to ﬁx things for the sake of their children but had had to give up. It's not fair for your future children to begin life with their father angry about their very existence.

IF THE F WORD IS “FAMILY” sure yet” to the latter. Keep it simple and get the answer. There’s nothing wrong with wanting kids, and no shame in settling the issue. If the answer is, “No, I really don’t,” then you have a difﬁcult decision: it’s possible they may change their mind, especially if they’re not quite sure, but if the no is deﬁnite, it may well be permanent. If that’s the case, you may need to do some soul-searching. If your conclusion is, “I’m not giving up my chance to be a parent,” you may be looking at a breakup, but in the end you’ll probably feel better for having dealt with it before you lose too much time with someone who doesn’t want what you want. If you don’t There’s no shame in not wanting to be parents—it’s better not to be a parent than to be an unwilling one— but the onus is on you to make it known. Many people will assume you want children unless you say that you don’t—or can’t (see pages 206–209). Present the issue kindly to your partner: they may be relieved and delighted, but if they’re disappointed, don’t blame them. Try to be as considerate as possible, and don’t let yourself be pressured. Not wanting children is a reasonable choice: treat it as such. Not sure? Sometimes we don’t have a plan: “I need time” is a reasonable answer. Children can be a make-or-break issue for relationships, so it’s important to be honest. Whatever your feelings on the subject, remember that there’s no right way to feel: the only right answer is a relationship where you’re both happy with your mutual decision.

NEVER DID ME ANY HARM Whether or not to have children is only the start of the discussion if the answer turns out to be yes. Clashing ideas on parenting can cause stress, and it’s good to have them sorted out before the little bundle of insomnia comes along and you’re too exhausted to be constructive. Some issues you may want to discuss: ■

Discipline. Are you strict or soft? What rules are appropriate for a child and what’s too much?

■

Values. What kind of person do you want to raise a child to be? (A real child will always upset your careful plans, but it helps to agree on what the most important life lessons are.)

■

Education. Do you have deﬁnite ideas about what kind of schooling a child should have?

■

Religion. Do you share a faith or philosophy, or do you differ? Would you want a child to share those views?

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Culture. If you are a multicultural couple, how would you want to help your child navigate that?

■

Family. Will there be doting grandpas and interfering aunties, or do you have family members who need to be kept at a distance? Be aware especially of the parent-inlaw relationship: once you are the mother or father of their grandchild, they can need tactful handling.

■

Needs. What do you think a child should have, and how would you go about giving it to them? Suppose your child had special needs— how would you handle that?

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The 2010 US Census reported that 19.4 percent of same-sex couples were living with children, biological or adopted.

We are family Ready to be a single parent? In America, 29 percent of 75 million children under 18 live in a single-parent family. The UK ﬁgure is 23 percent—3 million kids—with women making up 92 percent of 2 million lone parents.

A ROUGH CHILDHOOD? Some people want children but worry they lack the skills to be good parents. Others, though, fear they’ll make terrible parents because they had a terrible childhood. It’s true many abusers were themselves abused, but the majority of abused children grow up to be nonabusive adults. An estimated 30 percent of mistreated children pass the abuse down to the next generation: that leaves 70 percent who don’t. If you’re worrying about this, you’re already on the right track, because you’re clear you don’t want to hurt your kids. Seek out therapy and get support, and there’s a good chance you’ll give your children the safe, warm childhood you never had.

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A READYMADE FAMILY DATING WITH CHILDREN It’s one thing to date someone you might have children with later, but sometimes one or both of you already have children. Balancing everyone’s needs can be one of the most delicate tasks you’ll ever undertake.

hen you fall in love, you want to retreat into a blissful world where there’s just the two of you. If there are children involved —as there are with an increasing number of people—that can’t happen: a responsible person (which is the kind of person you want to date) will feel a degree of conﬂict. How to handle the drama? Getting the introductions right The ﬁrst rule for dating parents: new partners should not be introduced to children as partners until it’s clear the relationship is going to last. The issue of their parent in a new relationship is a huge one for children of any age to get their head around, and it’s not fair to make them wrestle with that if nothing’s going to come of it. It will have to be the parent who decides on the timing, because only the parent knows the children and how they think and feel.

Once a meeting is planned, the best idea is probably to do it gradually. The children should be told that their parent is dating someone, that this person is important to them, but that nothing is going to change in the relationship between the children and their parents—and then given time to absorb the news before you actually meet. Once you do meet, neutral territory such as a park may be the best idea: that way the kids don’t feel invaded on their own turf or trapped at the new partner’s place. Realistically, the burgeoning new “family” may or may not hit it off. Take it slow and steady, especially when it comes to the new partner staying over at the parent’s place. Tackle it at the source It will be all but impossible for children to feel comfortable with a new partner without a former partner's support. The nicest man or

woman will be dealing with stacked odds if their partner’s ex is making it clear—deliberately or not—that they’re unhappy about things: children are loyal to their parents and can get caught in what’s known as conﬂict by proxy, in which they take on the role of acting out Mom's or Dad’s hostility to the new partner. If you’re the parent and you have any civility left between you and your ex, asking them to be supportive may do a lot more than asking your kids. Adolescence: the awkward age Dating someone with small children is difﬁcult enough, but dating when the children are rebellious teenagers is even harder: if their actual parents are struggling to assert authority over them, a stepparent stands practically no chance. A new partner may want to try these two tactics: ■

Create a relationship with the children that’s not mediated by their parent at home. Whether you go to the movies or take them bowling, if you take things out of the ﬁre zone, it might help. Give them a lot of say in choosing the activity, so they don’t think of it as just another chore.

A READY-MADE FAMILY JUST CAN’T WIN A potential stepmother walks a ﬁne line. If she’s cautious, children may see her as cold and mean—but as researchers Larry Ganong and Marilyn Coleman at the University of Missouri found in 2011, children may reject a warm and sympathetic stepmother. Her kindness draws them to her, which makes the children feel disloyal to their own mother, so they push her away. Patience rather than extra effort is best—plus, if at all possible, their mother saying, “It’s okay to like so-and-so; I know it doesn’t mean you love me less.”

■

Get your partner on board with the idea of divided authority. It’s not fair to ask you to be the tough one while the kids’ actual parent plays best buddy. Contributive authority enables and provides good things; corrective authority disciplines and guides. Children need both. If you have to divide it up, make the parent corrective and the partner contributive, so the partner’s “bad guy” status starts to dissipate.

Keep a separate space Remember the relationship is about the two of you as well as the whole family. If the children start conﬂicts, don’t reﬁght them when you’re alone —and take time out as a couple so that there’s more to the relationship than worrying about the family. Exactly how well a blended family will work is hard to predict and hard to control. Keep the expectations low and the standards of courtesy high: a couple who can survive introducing the children to each other can survive pretty much anything.

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DIVIDED LOYALTIES When your loyalties are divided between different camps, there are several areas that create worry for the new partner and the children. It’s probably best to clarify which are the major concerns in your relationship—it will depend partly on the age of your children and partly on your situation—so that you can head off worries early. ■

Love: Do I matter to you as much as your children/partner?

■

Attention: Are you more interested in your children/partner than me?

Role: Am I still your baby? Am I still the smart one/pretty one/ mature one?

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Empathy: If one of us acts badly, who gets forgiven and who gets told to forgive?

Status: Who matters most now? Who rules the roost? Who’ll get their way? You/your partner/your kids?

■

Loyalty: Who should be loyal to whom, and how do I show my allegiance?

Resources: How are we/you going to allocate money and time?

44% 42% In 2009, online dating service Match.com reported that 44 percent of its members had children.

In a 2011 study, the Pew Research Center reports that 42 percent of American adults have at least one step-relative, rising to 52 percent in the under-30s.

UK STEPFAMILIES 11% from the father's

85% from the mother's previous relationships

4% from both

In 2011, Britain’s ONS (Ofﬁce for National Statistics) estimated that 11 percent of UK couples with dependent children were stepfamilies. Of these 544,000 families, 4 percent included stepchildren from both partners’ previous relationships, 11 percent from the father's previous relationships, and 85 percent from the mother's.

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OVERLAPPING YOUR CIRCLES MEETING EACH OTHER’S FRIENDS

t’s sensible to want your partner’s friends to be supportive. Your social networks can make a big difference to romantic relationships— not just in their attitude toward your relationship, but toward romance in general. A 2002 study published in the North American Journal of Psychology found that the less supportive their friends and family were, the more likely a partner was to be unfaithful. If their best pals all talk about cheating as though it’s funny or inevitable, you aren’t being too touchy if you feel worried.

Social networks can make a big difference to relationships—not just in their attitude to your relationship but toward romance in general.

If you’re building a relationship, you’re going to meet each other’s other favorite people. You hope they’ll be kind and welcome you with open arms. If not, does it make any difference whether you get along with them?

Why does it matter? There are two main reasons why social support makes a difference. The more serious is that unsupportive companions can undermine you. A 2010 study by psychologists at the Mississippi State University found that unsupportive friends were more prone to internal attributions than external attributions for relationship problems—that is, they were more likely to write off their friend’s partner with, “He’s just a loser,” or “You and she just aren’t right together,” than something less accusatory, like, “Well, you’re both under a lot of job stress right now”—and that partners were likely to listen to these sweeping judgments, especially if the social group was peers rather than family.

OVERLAPPING YOUR CIRCLES

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WHO’S MOST SUSCEPTIBLE? As with so many aspects of relationships, someone’s attachment style can make a big difference in how they deal with the views of family and friends. At Mississippi State University in 2010, a study in social networks found the following patterns:

Attachment style

Inﬂuence of family

Inﬂuence of friends

Secure

Particularly likely to be inﬂuenced

Somewhat likely to be inﬂuenced

Anxious

Unlikely to be inﬂuenced

Very likely to be inﬂuenced

Avoidant

Seldom inﬂuenced

The attachment style of your partner, therefore, may mean that lack of support in some quarters may not affect you: avoidant people tend not to listen to anyone (though they can be tricky partners in other ways), while anxious people tend to listen less to parents and more to friends.

The less drastic issue is that you’re probably going to be spending a lot of time around your new partner’s friends. If this is a problem for you, decide why you don’t like them: are they just not your sort of people, or do they make you feel disrespected? If it’s the former, it’s not disastrous: you can negotiate a balance between separate social lives and the odd boring group event. If it’s the latter, does your partner realize you feel disrespected? How they support you is what matters, not their friends.

■

On the other hand, suppose your partner doesn’t like your friends: ■

If it goes wrong If you just don’t like your partner’s friends, it can be troubling, especially if you’re of the anxious attachment style, but here are three key points:

■

■ ■

The friends were there before you, but that doesn’t mean they were chosen over you. Time can change priorities.

If the friendships give your partner something you don’t, that’s not a threat to you: no one can be everything to everybody. If your partner clearly enjoys being with their friends, especially if they’re extroverted (see pages 36–37), this doesn’t mean they want to get away from you.

You and your friends aren’t identical, so not liking them isn’t a criticism of you. You already know what’s good about your friends. Your partner doesn’t have to validate that. Are you happy with your partner in general? Then you're ﬁne. They don’t have to enjoy everything you do, or the company of everyone you know.

FRIENDS WITH AN EX? Be honest about it: the longer you keep it a secret, the more it’ll seem like a big deal. You may need to reassure your partner that there’s nothing to it, but use it as a way to see if your new relationship is healthy. If nothing you say will convince them that an old ﬂame is now just a friend, you should take that seriously: a possessive partner can be wearing at best, dangerous at worst (see pages 156–157). On the other hand, showing a little concern is a sign that your partner sees you as a person who many people would be attracted to. That’s a compliment: if your partner is prepared to trust you once you make it clear that you only have eyes for them now, then they’re showing they think you’re a catch.

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BUT I MISS YOU SO HOW MUCH TIME TOGETHER IS RIGHT? Even long-established couples can feel that they’re spending too much or too little time together, so if you feel that in the early days, it’s not a disaster. What’s the best way to work out a compromise?

hen it comes to how much time to spend together, everybody has their idea of perfect bliss. It can vary depending on where you are in the relationship and what else is going on in your life—but what if you can’t agree on how much time you should be spending in each other’s company? There may be several different explanations behind the problem, and the solution will vary according to each. The following scenarios are far from exhaustive, but whatever the dynamics of your relationship, healthy communication offers a way to both understand your particular dilemma and ﬁnd a way out of it.

Can I take a few hours of alone time so I can focus on you when I get back?

How about we make Tuesdays just the two of us?

ARE YOU AVOIDING ME? The problem: People with an avoidant attachment style start to feel jittery or stiﬂed if they spend too much time in their partner’s company. Conscious fears of being controlled and frustrated—and unconscious fears of being neglected or abandoned—play on their minds, and the partner starts to look like a threat. The result: Avoidant people can, literally, start to avoid their partner. If you aren’t living together yet, this is fairly easy to do: avoidants are always “too busy” or they have social engagements that they simply have to go to—or they invite their partner along but the events are so crowded that you don’t really spend time together.

What not to do: If this turns into a serious conﬂict and the avoidant isn’t very much in love with their partner—or even, sometimes, if they are—they can end up giving an ultimatum or ending the relationship. A good solution: ✔ If you’re the avoidant, schedule some regular “me time,” where you can have your space and relax. ✔ Schedule some regular “us time,” when you commit to giving your partner your full attention. ✔ Make sure there’s a fair balance of these in every week. Above all, tell your partner why you’re doing this. Me time is less worrisome for them if they know it’s partly your way of preparing for us time.

BUT I MISS YOU SO INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT?

QUALITY OR QUANTITY?

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FIND TIME OR MAKE TIME

The problem: The problem: Not everyone has the same definition of Some of us are very, very busy. We may want romance, but there never seems time together. Is it time together if to be a moment to do it justice. you’re both in the house but doing your own The result: thing? Or you’re Even if we’ve met Crisis at work right watching TV and not someone we like, now, but I’ll make it up talking? Or you’re things keep coming to you, I promise! doing the chores? up. The relationship just isn’t happening The result: The result: because there isn’t An introvert can often feel hurt if a If there’s a difference of enough space for it. more extroverted partner counts going expectations, each partner can to parties together as us time. While feel the other is being unfair. The What not to do: the avoidant uses other people to block person who feels none of the time The relationship withers and dies their connection, extroverts use other you’ve spent together “counts” now simply because no one watered it. people to charge up the connection: feels shortchanged. The person who Alternatively, it becomes more of a the feeling is not relief that other people thinks it was all time together now feels convenient arrangement than real are acting as buffers, but pleasure that their partner is impossible to satisfy. closeness, and the less-busy partner the two of you are partying together. Each may really want time with the feels neglected and bad about other but be bewildered and possibly themselves. What not to do: offended by their partner’s attitude. Each partner can pressure the other A good solution: into doing things their way, but without What not to do: ✔ Be honest with yourself. If you’re in good communication, the extrovert You argue. You haggle. You accuse. You a temporary emergency, okay, you feels guilty for dragging the introvert waste what time you do have together may not have a minute—but don’t around and the introvert feels guilty for in acrimonious disputes. sit back and wait for it to resolve trapping the extrovert at home. itself: get out your planners and get A good solution: on the schedule. Make time. It A good solution: ✔ Distinguish between time together might be tucked into the corners, ✔ Each partner makes clear how their and active engagement. A healthy but a corner is better than nothing. preferred activity helps them feel relationship has both, but active close to their partner, so you both see engagement means talking with ✔ If you wanted to have a fancy dinner how it’s helping the relationship. each other, paying close attention to make up for all the canceled to the other’s reactions, and doing dates, but your boss has just ✔ The couple agrees a minimum something you both enjoy. demanded another all-nighter, you amount of “in” and “out” time per could still meet for a sandwich. week. This shouldn’t be too ✔ Remember that it’s not wrong to Making an obvious effort to find inflexible—life’s not that find more passive time together time to see your partner now makes predictable—but provision fulfilling as well. Some people draw better amends than any bouquet or should be made for each a primal satisfaction bottle of wine later. person’s needs. from just being near their ✔ Work toward a solution. If there is a ✔ The couple may like to partner, and I love our home movie crisis at work, it will come to an end identify a particular time that’s a sign nights—let's make at some point. Even if you don’t to spend apart, charging of affection. some popcorn. know when the end will be, make it up their batteries, and clear to your partner that once it then have a cozy night arrives, you’ll make up for lost time. in together. The problem: Sometimes introverts like to be alone, which can make a partner feel shut out. They also love quiet time with their partner. Extroverts love social events: too much quiet, and they feel cooped up; too much of the other, and the introvert feels there’s never any peace. Even two extroverts may have different needs.

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SO ARE WE A COUPLE NOW? THE TRANSITION TO COMMITMENT

alking about love can be a major part of commitment (see pages 170–171), but it’s not the only transition: people can start falling in love without being ofﬁcially committed, and can also commit without talking about love— after all, in some cultures people expect love to come after marriage, and in others people may be very sincerely committed but just undemonstrative in their speech. Let’s talk about it Three topics you may need to cover: Exclusivity When and whether you can date multiple people varies widely (see pages 132–133), but long term it’s risky to make assumptions. If you’re both naturally monogamous people, then it probably won’t be a long conversation, but if there’s any uncertainty, it’s best to be clear that you’re ready to stop dating other people to make this an exclusive commitment—and ﬁnd out whether your partner is as well.

There comes a point in every serious relationship when the initial thrilling uncertainty—or painful anxiety, depending on your disposition—has to end. How do you settle that you’re going from dating to steady?

6–8

American couples say it takes six to eight dates before they are willing to enter into an exclusive relationship, according to dating author Paul F. Davis.

SO ARE WE A COUPLE NOW? Roles Status If you’re still just dating and have How do you refer to each other? yet to move in, buy a puppy, and open It’s a small verbal change, but a big a joint bank account, it can seem social one, when you start calling someone your boyfriend, girlfriend, or premature to talk about issues such partner. These words announce to the as household chores, breadwinning, and work-life balance. But you can fall world that you and this person have into a role early on in a relationship stopped considering each other as and then find yourself stuck with it— prospects and are now considering and changing things once each other as chosen companions— routines have built perhaps forever, perhaps not, around them will but certainly for now. be more of a There are two popular Girlfriend? Lady friend? strain. Smaller ways to tackle this: either Partner? Which issues—who pays you talk openly with each sounds right? for meals out, who other about whether you makes whose bed, can use those words, or you who shops for whose do it by experiment: call dad’s birthday—can be indicators of someone your boyfriend/ expectations, both yours and your girlfriend/partner in their partner’s. You might like to raise all hearing—in private, not public— this as a general point about how it and see if they object or smile. worked in past relationships or in your The try-it-and-see route is more family while you were growing up, risky if you’re not sure they’re ready, and how you both feel about it now. since they may have to either accept more than they’re comfortable with or It’s smart to get those expectations clear sooner rather than later; letting embarrass you with a contradiction. resentment build up helps no one. Talking about it first can seem less spontaneous, more tentative, but it is It can take a little courage to get past clear about consent. Which route these three transitions, but in a good works for you is going to depend on relationship, they'll feel one of two the dynamic between you. Either ways: exciting, because there’s this way, first ask yourself whether the wonderful new person in your life, label you want is a realistic fit with or relaxing, because it feels safe and how you are together, before you try natural. Or perhaps both at once! to move to the next level of intimacy.

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STEP BY STEP A classic experiment in 1966 by psychologists J.L. Freedman and S.C. Fraser shows the advantages of foot-in-the-door baby steps in commitment. Volunteers were asked to do the researchers either a large favor or a small favor followed by a request for the large one. The group asked for a small favor was almost twice as likely to agree to the big one: it seems that doing something small for someone makes you feel willing to do more later. If you’re eager to settle down, start small—leave a toothbrush at each other’s place, or have a regular night to sleep over—before you make any bigger proposals.

I’d like to tell my dad we’re in a relationship —is that okay?

Commitment phobia

THE RULE OF COMMITMENT There’s a good reason these issues are best discussed between the two of you before you go public. The Rule of Commitment is one that salespeople exploit a lot: once you’ve publicly said that you’ll do something, you feel serious

pressure to go through with it even if you aren’t sure you want to. The hard sell may work in marketing, but in a relationship, you still have to deal with each other after the “sell” is ﬁnished, so check with each other before you announce anything.

This term was coined by self-help author Steven Carter in his 1987 bestseller Men Who Can’t Love. Modern psychologists often argue that it is our old friend, avoidant attachment. If you or your partner feel an irrational panic at the thought of making things ofﬁcial, check your attachment style on pages 16–21.

RELATIONSHIPS

ARE NOT JUST ABOUT

TOGETHERNESS

AND CONNECTION.

THEYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;RE ALSO ABOUT SPACES

OF SEPARATENESS

LINDA AND CHARLIE BLOOM, RELATIONSHIP THERAPISTS

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THE L WORD TALKING ABOUT LOVE Three little words can turn our whole lives upside down: suddenly everything sounds more serious than before. How do we handle saying “I love you”? And how do you feel about hearing it?

f all the milestones in a relationship, saying “I love you” could be the scariest. Asking someone out is nerve-racking, but if they say no, at least you’re no worse off than before. Asking someone to marry you is intense (see pages 180–181), but if you didn’t think you had a chance, you wouldn’t ask. Saying “I love you,” though? That’s a leap of faith. They want sex, I want love? We all know the stereotype: women say “I love you!” and men look for the nearest exit. But a 2011 study by social psychologists Joshua Ackerman, Vladas Griskevicius, and Norman Li found the opposite. In heterosexual relationships, men are twice as likely to say “I love you” ﬁrst. Why? Ackerman and his colleagues were researching from an evolutionaryeconomics point of view, and suggested that the difference was the relative cost of pregnancy: love implies commitment, and a woman,

who has to carry a baby, has reason to weigh her choice of partner more carefully than a man. According to the study, most people were happier to hear the words “I love you” after the relationship had become sexual than before—except for men looking for casual hook ups, who only really liked to hear it beforehand, presumably because they were looking for the

6 weeks

Among Joshua Ackerman’s undergraduate volunteers, men reported thinking about saying “I love you” 42 days earlier than women did.

words to mean “I want to have sex with you,” not “I want to stay with you.” Men in general were happier than women to hear a pre-sex “I love you,” but men who wanted long-term relationships still preferred to hear it after sex rather than before. “I love you” can be a seduction line rather than a promise: Ackerman advised people to be “a little more skeptical” if someone talked of love before the relationship had become sexual— though this advice may not apply if you come from a sexually conservative culture where you are expected to get married before you go to bed. Getting an answer So, you pluck up your courage, you blurt out the words … and you wait to hear the reply. If your beloved smiles in delight and says, “I love you too!” everything will feel wonderful, but if not, you’re going to feel pretty bruised. An important point to bear in mind is that an unreturned “I love you” is not the same thing as a clear “I don’t love you.” It may equally mean “I may be falling for you, but I don’t want to say until I’m sure.”

THE L WORD

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AVOIDANTS IN LOVE People with an avoidant attachment style are just as capable of falling in love as anyone else, but they may have trouble dealing with being in love, let alone talking about it. Some common avoidant methods of lowering the stress:

The avoidant will…

For example...

Why?

Drop hints in advance that “love” isn’t a word they want to say—often by casually disparaging the concept.

“Love is just a biological mechanism to make us reproduce.”

They may feel love, but try to avoid the conversation.

“All that lovey-dovey stuff is so trite, isn’t it?”

Or they may want a relationship without love.

Make the declaration, but only in a joking way, so their partner can't be sure they mean it.

By doing it in a funny voice or in slangy language—in a comic role rather than as their normal selves.

Humor can be an emotional distancer: if it’s just a joke, it’s not quite real, not really scary.

Say it in a slightly ambiguous, confusing way

“You’ve got to love someone who does that”—it's generic, with no opening to conﬁrm it means you.

It keeps them in control of the subject, which feels safer and less intense.

Say it and then ﬂee.

Saying it at the end of a phone call: “Love you” (click). Their partner doesn’t get time to say it back.

This lets them say it and get somewhere safe to calm down. Their partner can’t reply, so it’s not quite a commitment.

I love you! Why the delay? Canadian psychologist Rose-Marie Charest suggests that other reasons for a delay might include a fear of failing to measure up to someone’s expectations, or a sense that the delay might be a way of preserving our identity (see pages 30–31). In either case, if that sounds like your partner, it’s probably best not to push: just wait, be as lovable as you can, and see how it goes. You may even increase your stock by saying clearly that you don’t want to force an answer: there’s nothing like respect for boundaries (see pages 142–143) to make you look like a catch.

Attachment styles are another factor to consider. If your partner shows avoidant tendencies (see above), you’ll need to respect their concerns, but also be persistent in working on closeness and intimacy if you want an emotionally more intimate relationship. Or accept that the L word makes them nervous: if you decide you can live with that, then you may learn a new “language” in which you can both recognize statements of love in the odd remark or in actions—a compromise, but not necessarily an unrewarding one.

I’m not sure yet…

In uttering these words, the door to a serious relationship is opened wide. Rose-Marie Charest Clinical psychologist

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HERE’S YOUR KEY MOVING IN TOGETHER

aking the move from regular sleepovers to sharing your space is one of the big transitions of a relationship. We all have our worries about it ... Will this trigger a commitment panic? What if he/she hates all my daily habits? What if we change our minds? Might we feel trapped in the relationship? Is living together the only path to happiness? Am I ready? A major consideration for living together is maturity: are you old enough to assume you won’t grow apart? In the US, a 2014 study by the Council on Contemporary Families investigated the debate whether cohabiting before marriage increased or decreased the chances of divorce if you later marry, and came to a simple conclusion: what matters is the age at which you commit, whether by marrying or by moving in together. Younger people are less likely to pick a suitable long-term partner, or else more likely to change a lot after the relationship begins. Couples who

CHANGING SOCIAL MORES

One minute you’re leaving a spare toothbrush at your partner’s place, and the next you’re talking about moving in. Is that a step toward commitment—and eventually marriage, perhaps—or just a new normal?

Beginning in the 1970s and up to the 2000s, there have been nearly a dozen serious studies that suggest couples living together before marrying were more likely to divorce than couples who went straight from dating to marriage. That may have changed now, thanks to changing social mores. You had to be more unconventional to cohabit in 1970 than you do today, and a free-spirited person has always been more likely to up and move out than to stick it out if they aren’t happy.

HERE'S YOUR KEY

900% 60%

US census data shows that over the last 50 years, cohabitation has increased by nearly 900 percent, to 7.8 million couples in 2012.

married at 18 or moved in at that age before marrying had a 60 percent divorce rate; couples who married or ﬁrst moved in after 23 had only half that. Older, it seems, can mean wiser. Want to get married? Nowadays, except among the more conservative cultures, living together is not considered “living in sin” but a normal stage of the commitment process. For some people, moving in is the ultimate destination: marriage is not for them, and cosigning the lease is as formal as it gets. For others, living together is effectively a test drive, a way of saying, “If this works we’ll get married, but let’s see if we can stand sharing a bathroom before we do anything ofﬁcial.” Which you prefer will depend on personal views and experiences, and there’s no correct preference. What matters is that you and your partner agree on where you’re heading. In the US, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who saw cohabitation as a preliminary to getting married tended to do pretty well, while couples who weren’t viewing cohabitation as a path to the altar did about the same, in terms of

A 2011 Pew Research study found that 60 percent of Americans see cohabiting as a precursor to marriage rather than an alternative.

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2 years Two-thirds of American couples getting married in 2012 had lived together for at least two years.

SIGNS YOU MAY BE READY TO MAKE THE MOVE ■

You stay over so often that you’ve got your extra toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas, and clothes at your partner’s place.

■

The journey from your place to theirs is starting to feel like a chore rather than an exciting adventure.

■

You’re spending as much of your free time together as possible, especially overnight.

■

You’re used to going to work from their place rather than yours.

relationship satisfaction, as couples who weren’t living together. The people who had the most problems were those whose situation wasn’t clear: if they weren’t sure where living together was going to end up, they tended to have more “negative relationship outcomes,” as the study put it, than other couples. Let’s talk about this The lesson of these studies is that it’s best to be clear about what moving in together means. This is a

■

You’ve survived a few ﬁghts.

■

You’ve gone on a trip together and had a good time.

■

You’ve already seen each other without makeup or in the scruffy clothes you only wear at home.

■

You can share chores such as washing the dishes without it being a big deal.

■

The place feels empty without your partner.

time in your relationship when you’ll probably be taking stock anyway: bringing up the subject of living together is often such a big step— especially if it involves changing residences for both of you—that you’ll already be having a serious conversation about future plans. So it’s a good moment to say, “Do you see us getting married?” or “If we work out, where would you like this relationship to end up?” These are perfectly reasonable questions at this stage, and hopefully the answer will be encouraging.

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I’LL CALL YOU EVERY NIGHT MANAGING A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

Sometimes it’s not possible to be together: distance and commitments keep you apart, at least for a while. That’s not necessarily the end of the romance: research shows that long distance relationships can succeed.

issing your partner is painful, and if one of you has to study or work elsewhere, there’s no question that— as with any relationship—you have to work at it. Distance can put a strain on your romance, but it doesn’t have to destroy it if you can stay constructive. Happier together? For emotional satisfaction, we tend to rely on communication, verbal kindness, good listening skills, and gestures of concern and appreciation—all of which can be managed long distance. Several studies suggest that long distance relationships can be, if anything, slightly more trusting than regular ones: a 2013 study published in the Family Process, for example, found that long distance couples reported feeling more satisﬁed with their relationship, more committed to their partner, less frustrated or trapped, and more conﬁdent that the relationship would last, than did couples who lived geographically close to each other. In fact, a follow-up study found that the long distance couples broke up at about the same rate as the geographically close ones—but they didn’t break up any more. It seems that a long distance relationship can have as good a chance as a geographically close one, and may even be more rewarding.

Eye contact is crucial to bonding, which is why so many of us use video chat apps on our phones.

I’LL CALL YOU EVERY NIGHT The absent ideal An issue that studies of long-term relationships try to address is the question of idealization: we can all put our partners on a bit of a pedestal, but when they aren’t around to annoy us with their everyday habits, do we do it more? It partly depends on our attachment style—but in general, the answer may actually be no. A 2012 study by Purdue University researchers Ji-yeon Lee and Carole Pistole found that the more self-disclosure people employed (that is, the more they conﬁded about themselves), the more they were idealized by their partners at close range—and the less they were idealized if the relationship was long distance. This only happened if the partner had a secure attachment style: anxious and avoidant people tended to conﬁde less and to idealize less, both at close range and at long distance. Secure people, on the whole, are able to maintain a feeling of connection to their partner by reminding themselves of the bond, while anxious people need more direct reassurance and avoidant people are far from sure if they want

I need a kiss! The one thing a long distance romance can’t provide is physical closeness. It may not spell the end of the relationship—a 2012 study by Camille Gonzalez found that the number of times a long distance couple visited each other per year made very little difference to how trustful or committed they felt about each other—but it can leave us feeling down. There are companies working to create kissing robots that we'll plug into our computer and use to remote-smooch a partner: for now, though, see right for some lower-tech ways to keep an in-touch feeling! Long distance is few people’s ﬁrst choice, but knowing your attachment needs and working at communication and regular contact can help keep the blues away—and hopefully, the separation won’t last forever.

SELF DISCLOSURE

oad disclos ur , br y e l r

Deeper,

timate in disclosu

According to the social penetration theory proposed by American psychologists Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor, we reveal increasingly private thoughts and feelings as we get to know someone—and having them afﬁrmed is the key to feeling connected. A good proportion of deeper disclosures can help keep a relationship close despite distance.

the connection in the ﬁrst place. The secure partners may simply have been taking a slightly more realistic view when given the space to reﬂect on things, but they also ended up being more comfortable with a long distance relationship than the anxious and avoidant partners.

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KEEPING IN TOUCH We can't cuddle long distance, so our levels of oxytocin—the hormone responsible for feelings of connection and commitment—can run low. You’ll have friends or family you can hug, but you and your partner can work on other ways to release the “cuddle hormone”: ✔ Lots of texts or e-mails. Being reminded we’re in our partner's thoughts makes our brains happy. ✔ Give gifts. Keep them small (see pages 136–137), but our oxytocin levels go up when we get a present. ✔ Laugh together. That gets the oxytocin ﬂowing, too, so tell jokes, tease each other, recount outlandish stories, and have a good giggle. ✔ Watch the same movie. Maybe you can’t curl up on the couch together, but you can watch the same thing online—and if it’s an emotionally stirring ﬁlm, oxytocin levels can rise by nearly 50 percent. ✔ Say “I love you.” Thinking about and feeling love touches the same parts of our brain that hugs do.

Early disclosures include basic personal information we’d share with any acquaintance: "I’m a vegetarian" or "I grew up in..." If we get a good response, we move on to more vulnerable subjects, and eventually to our deepest and most intimate hopes and fears. (See pages 188–189 for more on the power of vulnerability.)

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SEMI-HAPPY ENDINGS FINISHING THINGS CLEANLY Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship just doesn’t work out and you realize it’s better to go your separate ways. Depending on the circumstances, what’s the best way to handle the breakup? ENDING A LONG RELATIONSHIP If we’ve been together a long time, most of us try to ﬁx things before ﬁnally calling it a day. Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman suggests there are four signs that it really may be time to consider a relationship unsalvageable:

1 You see your relationship problems as severe.

2 Talking them over seems useless; you try to solve things by yourself.

3 You and your partner are starting to live separate lives.

4 You feel lonely. With a serious relationship, it’s worth trying couples therapy before declaring things hopeless; but if it feels like the relationship’s already pretty much over, it may be time to end it.

he longer the relationship, the more you’ll have invested. If you’ve only been going out a few weeks, usually the best method is to be plain and unambiguous (see opposite). If you’ve had time to get more deeply involved, the decision can be complicated and painful. Does the relationship work? One way of deciding can be to ask yourself whether the relationship ﬁts these basic criteria for attachment: ■ Is your partner a safe haven? Do you feel comfortable and loved with them? If you tell them your needs, do they treat them as legitimate? Do you trust them? ■ Is your partner a secure base? Do they support and encourage you in your interests and goals? Do you feel able to be yourself? ■ Do you feel connected to them? Do you feel better when they’re around or in your thoughts?

■

If the answer to these is no, then it may be time to consider either changing or ending things.

Getting over it Breakups are awful, but there are ways you can help to make it easier on yourself. First, build a support network ahead of time. Your attachment system is soothed not only by romantic partners but by family and friends, too (see pages 38–39), so talk to your friends and family, and let them know that you’ll need a bit of extra care and nonromantic love. Remember your strengths. Selfafﬁrmation can be the best way to get over the inevitable insecurities that come with a sudden loss of hopes, so dwell on your strong points, and do some things you’re good at (see pages 34–35). Look for opportunities to ﬁnd meaning: relationships take up our time and give us a sense of value— now you’ve got your time back, do something else that makes you feel valuable and gives you a sense of being where you want to be right now. Accept that you may have moments of regret, let yourself grieve, and it will pass.

SEMI-HAPPY ENDINGS

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ENDING A SHORT RELATIONSHIP Most of us don’t like to disappoint people, so when we don’t want to keep on dating someone, the temptation is to drop out of touch and hope they’ll take the hint. But that’s not really fair: it’s more respectful to let them know there’s no point waiting around for you. Some people can be persistent, though, so how do you minimize the chances of them pestering you?

Rule

Reason

Wrong

Right

Be clear

Breaking it gently can be confusing if you’re so gentle that it doesn’t sound like a true rejection, especially if they’re the type to cling to a false hope. You need to say directly that you don’t want to keep seeing this person.

“I’m just not in a good place right now.”

“I've been thinking about us, and I need to let you know that I don’t want to keep seeing you.”

Keep to the point

Why you don’t want to date them isn’t the issue: the issue is that you don’t. If they want an explanation, don’t go into details: the more reasons you give, the more opportunities they have to argue or promise to change.

“That thing you do really bothers me.”

“I just don’t see myself with you, and I don’t think I ever will.”

Be polite

Not only is being polite the right thing to do, but it will save you trouble in the long run: don’t do anything that will allow them to justify chasing you for an apology or for closure.

“You’re an awful person, so why would I want to be with you?”

“I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’ve made up my mind.”

Don’t overpraise

Compliments may cushion the blow, but too many cushions and they may think that you’re not sure of your own feelings and that you might just need more convincing.

“You’re really smart and nice and attractive, and I’m sure you’d make a great partner.”

“You’re a great person, just not for me.”

Only say no once

Once you’ve said no, you’ve said all you have to say. Don’t return subsequent e-mails or phone calls. Silence is the clearest rejection of all: it tells a pushy suitor that your refusal is so ﬁrm that you’re not even going to waste time repeating it.

“Would you please stop contacting me? I’ve already said no.”

Say nothing and get on with your life.

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DO YOU OR DON’T YOU? TIME TO TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE The relationship looks pretty solid, and people are starting to hint at wedding bells. One of you is eager, but the other doesn’t want to marry. If that sounds familiar, it’s time for some serious communication.

IT’S MORALLY RIGHT ■

Reason: for religious or other reasons, you believe that marriage is the bedrock of family and society and that a respectable couple ought to be married.

■

This can be a problem if: you’re too dogmatic or judgmental about this, or you’re more interested in marriage as a concept than in this particular person. It’s also a problem if you have a serious clash of values with your partner.

■

This can be okay if: your partner shares or at least respects your values, and is prepared for some serious discussion with you.

WANT TO GET MARRIED? Of all the occasions for hurt feelings and crossed wires, few can compare to a relationship where one partner wants to get married and the other doesn’t. It’s time to ask: what does marriage mean to you, and what does your partner need to understand?

IT’S PROOF OF COMMITMENT ■

Reason: to you, marriage is the ﬁnal stage in a natural process, and refusing to take that step is refusing to show you’re serious.

■

This can be a problem if: you're expecting marriage to solve or prevent problems—after all, marriage is not a magic bullet.

■

This can be okay if: you know that the relationship matters more than the label for it—but you do like the label, too.

IT’S ROMANTIC ■

Reason: you’ve always dreamed of a wedding and a ring, and it just feels too sad to give that dream up.

■

This can be a problem if: your dream is more about the accessories than the actual person.

■

This can be okay if: you really do care most about your partner—the romance of getting and being married is something you want to share with them.

Remind yourselves that the most important commitment is to each other’s well-being.

DO YOU OR DON’T YOU?

2,118,000 54%

US records show that more than 2.1 million marriages took place in 2011. In the UK, around 248,000 marriages took place that year.

Around one in ﬁve Americans has never married, but would like to marry someday.

DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED? It’s perfectly possible to have a happy relationship without marriage as long as both of you are comfortable with that. The only wrong decision is to leave your reasons unexplored—so communicate as much as possible and remind yourselves that the most important commitment is to each other’s well-being.

IT’S A WASTE OF MONEY ■

■

This can be okay if: you feel so committed to your partner that you really do just think there’s no point spending money to prove it.

21%

■

Reason: you saw your parents or other loved ones trapped in a terrible marriage. While you may love your partner very much and have no particular expectations of things going bad, marriage means closing the emergency exit, and you don’t feel that would be safe for either of you.

■

This can be a problem if: you’re afraid of any kind of commitment to a full relationship. Things can go wrong between unmarried couples too, though, and if you’re scared of being with anyone on a really serious basis, then you probably need to do some work on your fears, perhaps even in therapy. Not all relationships end badly.

■

This can be okay if: you’re content with being committed and are prepared to let your partner know that you’re in it for the long haul—it’s just the “M word” that makes you nervous. You may need to prove your commitment in other ways, but if you can do that, the issue may be negotiable.

One in 20 Americans has never married and does not want to marry.

The rest were once but are no longer married, or choose not to give their marital status.

20%

IT’S A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE

IT’S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER

Reason: weddings are expensive: if you eloped and married on the cheap your family would feel hurt, and you just don’t see the point of blowing all that money on one day. This can be a problem if: the money isn’t the real reason—you can get married on a limited budget —but you just don’t want to marry this person. It’s also a problem if you guilt-trip your partner for wanting it.

A 2013 gallup poll shows more than half of all Americans are married. In the UK, 47 percent of the population is married.

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■

Reason: you think that marriage is wrong. You don’t like the state or religion getting involved in your love life; you think it’s unfair that marriage gives special status to couples or (in many countries) to heterosexuals; you think it’s an outdated tradition.

■

This can be a problem if: your principle is actually an excuse and you just don’t want to marry this particular person, or you don’t like the idea of being tied down. (The latter is probably indicative of an avoidant attachment style.)

■

This can be okay if: you’re serious about love and relationships, it’s just that you really don’t see why marriage is necessary. If it’s truly important to your partner, though, this is one of those occasions where you might want to consider some sort of compromise, or at least do something else to prove your commitment.

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POPPING THE QUESTION THE ART OF THE PROPOSAL

This is it: this person is the one for you, your lifelong partner, and you’re sure of it. If you’re dreaming of getting married, can the way you propose make a difference to your chances of a yes or a no?

arriage proposals can be daunting. Exactly how to go about it varies from culture to culture: for some people it’s either a courtesy or a necessity to ask the woman’s parents before asking her, while other women expect to be the first person in the family to hear about the engagement, not the last. Some people find public proposals endearing, while others cringe at the thought. How to navigate all this? Expectations The first question is this: what sort of proposal seems to be popular in your social setting? What is your beloved’s idea of a nice proposal? You might hazard a guess based on their favorite Hollywood romance, but you’re likely to get a more realistic idea from looking at what their friends do. This may be particularly true if you’re a man thinking of proposing to your girlfriend: women generally talk to each other a lot, and a particularly lovely (or awful) proposal story will undoubtedly make the rounds. Your friends, though, may be a little put out if you propose extra beautifully to your girlfriend: they may be happy for you, but they’re also aware that if they want to propose, you've just raised the standard they’ll have to meet. On the other hand, if you’re a woman thinking of proposing to your boyfriend, you may find yourself at an advantage—even if you don’t propose at midnight in a gondola, the fact that you’re doing the asking puts you ahead of most other women. If he strongly objects to the role reversal, though, it may be time to reconsider: as a woman who is open to pushing the boundaries of gender politics, do you really want to marry someone who is that much more conservative about such things?

POPPING THE QUESTION Do you have the ring? In an ideal world, a sensible person will say yes or no to a proposal based on their long-term hopes, not on the proposal itself. Alarmingly, though, according to one survey in 2010, 28 percent of American women said they’d turn down a proposal if the ring wasn’t right, but 45 percent of American men said they’d done no research before buying the ring. This is hardly good news for the couples. Turning down a great guy (or girl) because they’ve bought the wrong ring is pretty silly—that’s a time for open dialogue, speciﬁcally that you’d like a different ring but not a different partner. It’s not an entirely frivolous reaction, though: if you tend not to communicate much as a couple, it’s easy to look to a ring to speak for you. Your partner might just have a limited budget or no eye for jewelry, but a ring thoughtlessly chosen doesn’t

send a good signal: you will probably be wearing it for the rest of your life, and a little consideration for your taste is a sign they’ll consider your feelings. Of course, rings are optional and an increasing number of couples decide to save the money, but the most important thing about a ring is that, like everything else in life, it can’t be a substitute for communication. Proposing marriage is one of those times you simply have to take a gamble, but you can at least take an informed gamble. Try to study up on your beloved’s expectations, tastes, and preferences, and above all, try to have as good an understanding of each other as possible in advance. That way, a proposal can be a romantic gesture without having to be a complete leap in the dark.

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TOP TEN TRIVIA While you’re waiting for that proposal, some popular statistics— best taken with a grain of salt:

95 percent of US brides have an engagement ring, though the number is falling, for both ﬁnancial and ethical reasons (such as avoiding blood diamonds).

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

85 percent of women who have an engagement ring are given it at the proposal. 42 percent of engaged couples choose a ring together: 85 percent of the men pay for it. 57 percent of men say buying the ring is stressful. 45 percent of men do no research before buying the ring. 75 percent of engagement rings are diamond solitaires.

PLANNING A WEDDING? If the proposal gets a yes, brace yourself for a testing time. Wedding planning is a strain, and often falls hardest on the bride. A 2004 study by psychologist Debbie Ma in California, for instance, found that engaged women reported signiﬁcantly higher levels of stress than non-engaged ones—though a good social support network could help to mitigate this somewhat. A Colorado study published in the Journal of Feminist Family Therapy in 2009 reported that while many couples turned to wedding planning books for guidance, the books tended to give advice that “promotes inequality”—meaning that women were doing most of the work, which is hardly relaxing!

A DAZZLING SLOGAN “A Diamond Is Forever” is the phrase that Advertising Age called the best slogan of the 20th century: it was coined in 1947 by copywriter Frances Gerety, for the De Beers diamond company. We can also thank the jewelry industry for the convention that a diamond should cost a man two months’ salary. In fact, the tradition of diamond engagement rings only became popular in America in the late 19th century after the discovery of South African diamond mines, and the only people who insist they’re essential are the diamond sellers themselves. If you prefer a less expensive ring, or no ring at all, there’s no reason to feel obligated.

$74 billion is spent on diamonds each year by consumers in 34 countries around the globe. 48 percent of women want a surprise proposal.

13–14 months is the average length of an engagement in the US and the UK.

New York’s Yankee Stadium boasts at least one marriage proposal on the scoreboard every game. However, they also report that they get someone frantically calling to cancel the scheduled proposal at least ﬁve times a year!

CHAPTER 5

TOGETHER

ON THE ROAD TO LASTING LOVE

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ARE WE GOING TO LAST? WHAT YOUR CONVERSATIONS PREDICT Can you tell whether a relationship is going to be happy ever after or end badly? According to some researchers, you can—and with startling accuracy. It all comes down to how you talk to each other.

n 1986, American psychologist John Gottman was busy in his “Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson, wiring newlyweds to electrodes and asking them to discuss stressful and joyful aspects of their relationships. Six years later, Gottman saw the couples again. Some were happily married; some were either together but miserable or had broken up entirely. What was the difference between them? The couples who were still happily married had shown low heart

rates and stress signals during the 1986 tests, while the unhappy ones had looked calm on the surface but showed pounding hearts, sweating, and tension. Masters and disasters Gottman dubbed the ﬁrst group “masters” and the second “disasters,” and then tried to identify what made the masters so masterly. In 1990, for instance, he placed couples in a love lab that was designed to feel more like a vacation retreat than a place of

study and invited 130 newly married couples to spend the day there, doing ordinary domestic tasks, chatting, and acting normal. In effect, he was observing couples “in the wild.” Throughout their time together, couples make bids—calls for each other’s attention that angle for a positive response. They may be small on the surface (“Hey look, a bird!”), but they attempt to create a moment of connection. Partners can either turn toward or turn away from a bid. (“Oh yes, how pretty!” versus “Leave me be, I’m reading the paper.”) No one

KEEP IT POSITIVE

5:1

0.8:1

HAPPY

SOON-TO-DIVORCE

According to Gottman’s research, the magic ratio is 5 to 1: couples who have ﬁve times as many positive interactions as negative are likely to be stable. In the unstable couples who later broke up, for every eight positive interactions, there were ten negatives ones—a ratio of 0.8 to 1. How do your ratios look?

ARE WE GOING TO LAST?

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HEY, GREAT NEWS! A 2006 study at UCLA found that responding positively to situations where things go well can be as important as how you respond to negative events. Suppose a wife tells her husband she’s got a big promotion: how does he respond? Of the four options below, only active-constructive makes people feel really happy in a relationship.

Response Type

Behavior

Example

Active-constructive

Enthusiastic support

“That’s wonderful! Your hard work’s really paying off. What’s the new job going to involve?”

Passive-constructive

Quiet, understated support

“That’s nice, darling.”

Active-destructive

Spoiling the event

“Are you sure you can handle that? You struggled a lot in your last job.”

Passive-destructive

Ignoring the event

“That reminds me, your mother called. Could you call her back?”

turns toward every single bid— everyone’s preoccupied sometimes— but the disasters turned toward each other’s bids 33 percent of the time, in stark contrast to the masters’ 87 percent. The successful couples, in other words, were meeting each other’s bids at a high rate. Gottman estimated he could predict a couple’s chances of staying together on this basis with up to 94 percent accuracy. Accentuating the positive The central difference in attitude between masters and disasters, Gottman thinks, is what people are on the watch for. Masters are looking for opportunities to be pleased with their partners, while disasters are on the lookout for mistakes. It’s that old enemy self-veriﬁcation again (see pages 32–33): we tend to selectively notice things that ﬁt in with our expectations, and pay less attention to things that contradict it.

If we expect a relationship to go badly, then we’re highly vigilant for signs that it might—which means we notice everything our partner does wrong. If we can believe that we’re essentially lovable and our partners are essentially good, we’re far more likely to notice their good points, recognize their bids as a sign that they want to feel close to us, and create a positive cycle. Masters are, to quote Gottman, “building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.” To be a master, treat harmony as something that you can build on, a foundation of thanks, compliments, and afﬁrmations. Meeting a partner’s bids positively— and looking out for moments when they are especially nice, thoughtful, or impressive so you can call attention to them—creates a relationship that has a much better chance of lasting, and which feels calmer, warmer, and kinder for both of you.

80%

Gottman reports that a breakdown of intimacy is described as the leading cause of 80 percent of divorces.

7 year itch?

The most common times for a marriage to end are either at 5–7 years, due to a high level of conﬂict, or at 15–16 years, due to a lack of emotional connection.

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STAYING CONNECTED LITTLE EXERCISES IN HAPPINESS

ove should go without saying? Far from it: what we don’t say, we can often forget to think and feel. It might feel a little strange at ﬁrst to do exercises in romantic connection, but try approaching them as a gift or as a game to share with each other. You may be surprised, whether you’ve been a couple for a while or even if you’ve only recently gotten together.

A WEEK OF KINDNESS There’s nothing like appreciation to make a relationship feel worthwhile.

When we’re used to each other, it can be easy to take the connection for granted, but actually you’ll enjoy the relationship a lot more if you put some conscious effort into your time together.

Each get yourself a private notebook or memo pad, which, for the moment, you don’t show your partner.

Every day for a week, make a note of everything your partner does that makes you feel appreciated, respected, valued, or special—even the small things like saying, “I’m making a cup of coffee, would you like one?” Big or small, the only criterion is that these things mean something to you.

At the end of the week, take a quiet moment somewhere, sit down together, and exchange your lists— not as debts, of course, but as gifts.

Keep doing this for several weeks. Make a note of any trends that emerge: you may very well ﬁnd yourselves developing some positively rewarding patterns!

STAYING CONNECTED

Sometimes it’s good to be reminded how being together has improved your lives. Try making a list along these lines: Sit together to do this exercise. You’ll be writing things down and then reading them back, so you both should have access to a writing surface.

Sometimes we feel too tired to communicate: there’s nothing we can think of to say, even though we may still want a bit of attention and closeness. If you want to touch base but are stuck for a topic, try this exercise:

Sit facing each other in a comfortable position. Close your eyes, and do a mindful breathing or loving-kindness meditation, whichever you feel more in need of at that moment (see page 56).

At an agreed signal—you might want to set an alarm so neither of you has to worry about being the timekeeper—open your eyes. Study each other's face, without speaking.

When you feel ready to begin talking, meet your partner’s gaze and smile. If your partner does this ﬁrst and you want to keep looking for a while more, gently shake your head. This is not a rejection but a way of asking for more time. Give each other the gift of space and only begin when you’re both ready.

One of you (agree which before you start) speaks. You’re going to have a conversation with only one phrase; it should be a short, truthful, neutral, and peaceful sentence such as “It rained yesterday.”

Head a piece of paper “Until I met you.” Add two subheadings: “No one saw me as…” and “I was afraid I wouldn’t…”.

Fill in everything that your partner changed about how you felt others saw you and what you were afraid wouldn’t happen to meet your needs. You can go right back to your childhood for this one.

Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. John Gottman American psychotherapist and psychology professor

PHYSICAL CLOSENESS

NOTHING TO SAY?

BEFORE I MET YOU

5 6

When one of you says the phrase, the other replies, “Yes.” The starting partner repeats the phrase, and the other continues to answer, “Yes.” As you continue, you may find all sorts of emotions inflect your words this way and that: communicate with each other through tone of voice. You’ll find you can hold a tender conversation even when you have “nothing to say.”

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Missing intimacy but not in the mood for sex? Try this shared breathing meditation:

1 2

Lay some sturdy cushions on the ﬂoor so you can sit comfortably on them for 15 minutes.

Resting your weight lightly against each other (you should be relaxed, but not so slumped that your partner feels squashed), do a mindful breathing meditation (see page 56). As you meditate, focus your attention on the sensation not just of your own breath, but of the rhythm of your partner’s breathing as you feel their body expand and contract against yours.

You and your partner sit down on the cushions, cross-legged or in whatever position works for you, leaning against each other backto-back.

THE SCIENCE OF MEDITATION Meditation has long been practiced in Eastern religion, but Western science is becoming increasingly convinced of its therapeutic value. In a study at Harvard Medical School, for instance, fMRI scans showed that meditation lit up parts of the brain that regulate blood pressure and manage stress. A study published in Psychological Science in 2013 found that eight weeks’ meditation measurably increased subjects’ compassionate responses. It seems that meditation really can make you a calmer, more caring person!

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THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY TAKING A RISK ON TRUE UNDERSTANDING

In the quest for love that lasts, we may worry whether we’re really worthy of love. Actually, letting go of that idea and considering ourselves inherently worthy may be one of the most lovable things you ever do.

nce we are in a relationship, it can be difﬁcult to shed the assumption that being loved depends on being worthy of love, and that if we let our imperfections show, we won’t be loved after all. No one is perfect: how do some people manage to be loved despite their faults? Feeling worthy According to American therapist and researcher Brené Brown, the central skill is an ability to be vulnerable. Her term for this ability is being wholehearted: people who can overcome their fear of shame—of being found lacking and getting rejected—are people who accept their own identity without expecting perfection. Wholehearted people are courageous in owning themselves, faults and all, compassionate toward themselves as well as others, and willing to accept they can only relate to other people as their real self rather than the self they feel they should be. For Brown, the biggest hindrance to connection is that shame and anxiety are painful, so we prefer to numb them out—but it’s impossible to numb feelings selectively. If we switch off when we feel vulnerable, chances are that when there’s reason to feel joyful or grateful, we struggle to switch back on again. Embracing ourselves as ﬂawed people and accepting that there will be scary moments in life is the best way to keep ourselves open to real and rewarding love. Who to trust? The risk of opening up is that we may expose ourselves to someone who isn’t very supportive: if we aren’t treated sympathetically, we’re likely to end up feeling worse. We need a partner who welcomes our admission of vulnerability as a sign of trust and is

THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY prepared to respond with openness and vulnerability of their own. It’s common sense that empathy helps make relationships satisfying, and the research backs this up. A UK study in 2010, for example, found that of 149 couples, those who felt their partners to be empathic were not only happier in their relationships, but also less prone to depression. When you admit to a partner that you’re feeling vulnerable, how they take the news is a big predictor of happiness or otherwise. The best approach is to treat each other’s vulnerability as an occasion of mutual respect. Showing our fragility takes courage: a person who never shows weakness is, psychologically speaking, probably more frightened than the person who can admit it. A partner who can admit they’re ﬂawed and want love anyway is exactly the person to share life’s challenges with, so support each other for your courage and trust that it will make you stronger, not weaker, to admit that you’re not always perfect.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? When we need empathy, what helps us most? According to a 2012 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it varies by gender (at least in heterosexual couples). For both sexes, romantic satisfaction was helped by having a partner who could read their negative emotions accurately, but men in particular were most happy when they were able to read their wife’s positive emotions accurately. We all want understanding and sympathy; despite the stereotypes, perhaps men particularly want approval from their loved ones.

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EMPATHY We’re often urged to empathize, but what Assuming exactly does that Discrimination perspective mean? You can and labeling Being able to imagine understand how Correctly identifying yourself in someone another person is someone’s feelings. else’s situational shoes. feeling without caring, while sympathy—feeling sorry for someone— doesn’t necessarily bring understanding. With empathy, we understand, we Emotional capacity share someone’s feelings, and we Sharing someone’s care. Having all three skills— feelings and responsively shown here in Dr. Shari Young caring about their emotions, Kuchenbecker’s model—allows sensations, experiences. us to connect well with others and feel as they feel, so that “I versus you” becomes “we.”

WHEN A PARTNER FEELS VULNERABLE What NOT to do when a partner admits they’re feeling vulnerable: ✖ Compete. You’re bound to have vulnerabilities of your own, of course, but your partner talking about theirs doesn’t diminish yours. Getting into one-downmanship defeats the point. Only share yours to show support, or wait your turn; there will be other moments to ask for support of your own. ✖ Score points. If your partner admits they acted unreasonably because they were feeling vulnerable, don’t jump in and say, “See, I told you you were being unreasonable!” That’s a pretty sureﬁre way to discourage them from conﬁding in you a second time.

✖ Go in hyperrational. The thing they’re worried about may be, logically, not a very big deal, but don't try to debate them into feeling that way—you’ll probably make them feel invalidated. It’s much more reassuring to just listen and assure them you care. ✖ Try to fix them. You can’t fix being human. A desire to help is good, but trying to persuade your partner to change their attitude or their personality just makes them feel rejected. ✖ Break confidences. Sometimes it’s helpful to discuss relationship problems with friends, but don’t talk over anything private without your partner’s permission.

IN ORDER FOR

CONNECTION TO HAPPEN,

WE HAVE TO ALLOW

OURSELVES TO BE SEEN,

REALLY SEEN

BRENÃ&#x2030; BROWN, RESEARCH PROFESSOR OF SOCIAL WORK, UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON

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YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME THE MICHELANGELO EFFECT Is love a science or an art? Science suggests that being a loving partner is close to being its own kind of art form—like a creative genius, we can “sculpt” our partner into their best self, and vice versa.

here’s a possibly apocryphal story about the Renaissance artist Michelangelo: asked how he had created an extraordinary statue, he replied, “I saw an angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” We’d all love a partner who could do the same for us: see deep into our souls, ﬁnd our best selves, and help set them free. Recent research suggests that it’s more realistic than we might think.

us, partners tend to shape situations to support those expectations by creating or heading off certain opportunities for us. If, for instance, your partner sees you as an artistic person, they’re more likely to buy you art supplies for your birthday, take the kids out for the day so you can paint, and show off your work to family and friends. Given these opportunities to

Sculpting each other What pyschologists have dubbed the Michelangelo effect is a specific type of behavior confirmation. Put simply, we tend to act in ways that align with how we see ourselves (see selfverification on pages 32–33), and our partners’ expectations of us have an influence on our self-image. A loving partner—a Michelangelo—will respond to you in ways that move you closer to your ideal self. How does behavior confirmation work? Carrying certain expectations of

When our partners can chisel and polish us in a way that helps us to achieve our ideal self, that’s a wonderful thing. Eli Finkel Social psychology professor, Northwestern University

explore your artistic side, it’s likely that your skill will improve, your understanding of art will deepen, and you, too, will see yourself as artistic, since that’s how you’re being treated. The same partner, though, may see you as dreamy and impractical, and so always do the map-reading when you’re lost, figure out your tax return, and be a little skeptical if you offer to fix that broken lamp. Psychology calls this selective instigation. If these assumptions head off opportunities for you to act in practical ways, you may grow more reliant on your partner, feel less confident about your handyman abilities, and get out of practice with certain skills. More subtly, we also tend to pick up emotional cues from our partner: if we are effusive, for example, and they are less so, if we express anger vigorously and they hate yelling, if we’re the worrying sort and they are more laid back, the responses we give to each other will push both partners in new directions, through selective reinforcement (see opposite). How a partner feels about us is something that most of us are aware of fairly constantly, and we adapt to keep those feelings positive. We are, in other words, sculpting each other.

YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME SELECTIVE REINFORCEMENT The concept of shaping our partners by using rewards—or punishments—may sound as if we’re Pavlovian dogs, rather than consenting adults, but we can bring our awareness to the process...

I act a certain way. How does my partner react?

They don’t seem interested.

They don’t like it.

Liking to bask in my partner’s approval, I do it more.

Hmm, not much point doing that.

I guess I’ll stop if it causes a conﬂict.

Hey, I seem to be doing this a lot. It must be part of my nature.

That behavior fades out, usually without my noticing.

The behavior stops with effort, or comes back again if I try to assert my independence.

I keep doing it because I’m that sort of person.

I stop thinking of myself as that kind of person.

I feel conﬂicted about this side of myself.

They smile or seem pleased.

Realizing the ideal The prospect of being sculpted by a partner may sound a little unnerving: who wants to be treated as mere raw material? With the right partner, though, we experience the deeply rewarding Michelangelo effect. Most of us have an ideal image of who we want to be and feel a fair amount of regret that we don’t seem to be that

person. If we have a loving partner who sees in us the self that we really want to be, just being around them supports us in becoming that person. Of all the qualities we should look for in a partner, perhaps one of the most important is that they should see us as the person we hope to be— because just by seeing us that way, they help make it happen.

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TWO HALVES OR TWO WHOLES?

HOW TO AVOID GETTING STUCK IN STEREOTYPES

hen you ﬁrst meet your beloved, it can feel like you’re embarking on an endless voyage of discovery. After a few years together, though, you’ve probably grown fairly familiar with each other. You’ve heard each other’s life stories and favorite jokes, and you both begin to feel settled. If the relationship is affectionate and warm, this can, of course, be very comforting— but sometimes we can be a little too complacent in our assumptions. I’m the red one, you’re the green one Do any of the following scenarios sound familiar to you?

■

There’s a comfort in familiarity, and every couple develops their routines and roles. Making too many assumptions, though, can undermine real connection, so it’s worth conﬁrming you’re still sure who’s who.

You and your partner are on a drive or a hike somewhere and lose your way. You pull out the map, and one of you automatically starts reading it with no question on either side as to who’s the map reader of the relationship. A new neighbor moves in and you have a package that was left for them. This is a chance to introduce yourselves as a couple: one of you is deﬁnitely the front man—or woman—when it comes to this kind of thing, so that’s the one who goes over with the package and says hello. Your car breaks down with its sunroof open to the rain. Both of you are struggling to ﬁx the problem when a kind stranger pulls up and offers to help. One of you automatically stops working and starts talking to the stranger while the other continues to work on the roof: there’s a technical one and a sociable one in this relationship and you both know which is which.

TWO HALVES OR TWO WHOLES? If you feel a wry amusement at any of these scenarios, you and your partner have definitely acquired certain roles. Now, it may be that actually neither of you is especially good at map reading or car repairs: to be the navigator, mechanic, or socialite of a relationship, the only requirement is that you be slightly better at it than your partner. (Or slightly more willing to do it.) The rest follows automatically and unplanned. You give the job to the person who’s better at it or who prefers it, and over time, this simply becomes a law of nature: one of you is good at X, the other at Y. A little too familiar There’s nothing wrong with allocating everyday tasks according to preference, but there can be two disadvantages if you get pigeonholed. The first is the effect on you as an individual: you may actually find yourself losing skills for lack of practice, and if you have insecurities about your abilities, your relationship roles can unintentionally reinforce them (see pages 192–193). The second is that you limit the opportunities to surprise each other—and once you do that, you limit the romance. Try some of the exercises on this page and see if you can still be new to each other—as you were when you first embarked on that endless voyage of discovery.

Two halves don’t make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Jason Mraz, Singer-songwriter

THE OLD NEW When you were ﬁrst together, did you discover new things because your partner was interested in them? There’s no reason to stop doing that. Try one or more of the following: ■

Is there anything you used to do or anywhere you used to go before you met, that you haven’t done much since? Try it again, and this time bring your partner along.

■

Is there something that you’ve always wanted to do but never got around to? Sit down with your partner and each make your own list, then merge them together.

■

You don’t have to do everything on the list, but pick out a few that you’d be really interested in and make some deﬁnite plans to do them.

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OH, I’D NEVER DO THAT! Is there something you’d like to do but don’t because your partner wouldn’t want to? Remind yourself you’re an individual, not just half of a couple.

1 Each make a list of these ideas. You may ﬁnd your ideas interest each other more than you expected, but if they really don’t mesh, it’s time to schedule some me-time.

2 Pick a day when you’ll each go off and do your own thing. (Or, if you have kids to look after, pick a weekend and take one day each.)

3 At the end of the day, when it’s time to share what it was like, meet somewhere nice, such as a restaurant, as if for a date with someone new. You will each, after all, be meeting someone who’s had a new experience!

WHO IS THE “COPER”? Is one of you the emotional one and the other the peacemaker? Long term, you’ll both need reasonable coping skills. German psychologist Britta Busch looked at how older couples faced changes to their routines in retirement, and found three types of copers: positive, negative, and indifferent (one partner coping positively, the other not). Key traits were: POSITIVE

NEGATIVE

✔ Signaling stress clearly

✖ Communicating indirectly

✔ Relationship satisfaction

✖ Communicating aggressively

✔ Life satisfaction

✖ High levels of anxiety

✔ Harmony with their partner

✖ Frequent anger

Busch found that it was, of course, the positive couples who felt more conﬁdent about coping in retirement. If your partner seems to be better at managing stress than you, you might want to brush up your skills before you have to spend all your days together!

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THE WORST IDEAS OF ALL WHAT YOU REALLY MUST AVOID Every couple runs into conﬂict sometimes. Usually we can just disagree, but some ways of disagreeing are destructive while others can lead to reconciliation. What are the best ways to get the second outcome?

e want our partners to love and approve of us at all times, but sometimes they have angry things to say and we have to hear them out or they’ll never be satisfied. That’s a pretty unpleasant experience even for the happiest couple—but what’s the difference between a couple that can fight and make up and a couple that can’t stop spiraling downward? The Four Horsemen John Gottman identifies four destructive behaviors that he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. According to Gottman, just their presence alone can predict divorce with up to 80 percent accuracy. These horsemen are: Criticism We may have strong comments about our partner’s behavior, but there’s clearly a difference between criticizing what someone does and who someone is. “You keep leaving

the dishes for me and it’s annoying me” is a complaint but fair comment. “You keep leaving the dishes for me—you’re so lazy and selﬁsh!” is personal criticism. Psychologists ﬁnd that the second approach is more common with women than with men—either way, it doesn’t help. Contempt Criticism can escalate to a complete dismissal of the other person. There are many ways of expressing disrespect for your partner, from rolling your eyes, making mean jokes, or sneering, to aggressive verbal assaults. However it’s expressed, contempt is profoundly wounding and spells serious trouble for a relationship: how can you come to a resolution with someone who is making it clear they think you’re worthless?

Defensiveness No one likes having their faults pointed out, but the more defensive

START SOFTLY, STAY POSITIVE Does a soft start-up guarantee a good response? Sadly no: even if you raise your point gently, your partner may still get defensive or upset. If you run into that problem, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute recommends holding on to your patience and saying, as gently as you can, something like “Honey, I’m not trying to criticize you here. I really do care about you, I just want to be closer to you.” Since so many arguments include criticism, your partner might be expecting it when you raise a grievance; a bit of reassurance can help to ease their tension so you can then talk about things positively.

you are, the more you close up— and when you do that, you’ll have difﬁculty taking in what your partner is actually saying, because you’re too busy shoring up your own case. Excuses, denying responsibility, and counteraccusations are all examples of defensiveness.

THE WORST IDEAS OF ALL

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WHAT’S YOUR CONFLICT STYLE?

Gottman identiﬁes three different kinds of people when it comes to arguments. See if you recognize you or your partner’s tendencies in any of these:

Soothers: people who want to smooth things over with as much reassurance as possible.

Avoiders: people who’d rather deﬂect an issue than work it out.

Attackers: people who go in on the offensive.

Which is the best style? Actually, couples often do well when each partner has the same style. It’s the mismatches below that can create misunderstandings:

Soother

Avoider

Soother/Avoider: Avoiders can ﬁnd soothers overwhelming and retreat, leaving the couple stuck in an endless round of pursuer and pursued.

Stonewalling This method—more popular with men—consists of refusing to respond. Your partner gets more and more upset, and you stare into space as if they’re not even there. In effect, you are saying, “I’m not in this relationship as long as things aren’t going my way.” Once you adopt this attitude, you may ﬁnd, emotionally speaking, it’s hard to get back in again.

(There’s some overlap with attachment styles here—soothers are often secure, attackers often anxious, and avoiders often avoidant—but it's not an exact match, so go by the individual.)

Soother

Attacker

Soother/Attacker: Both styles are highly emotional—if they can't inﬂuence each other, they both end up frustrated.

Can we avoid the horsemen? To avoid a conﬂict escalating beyond repair, the Gottman Institute advises using a soft start-up. Rather than going in guns blazing (which will only goad your partner into taking cover or ﬁring back), keep your complaint within moderate bounds: ■ Complain, but don’t get personal. ■ Use “I” statements: “I’m upset,” rather than “You’re upsetting me.”

Attacker

Avoider

Attacker/Avoider: The worst combination of all: like soother/avoider, there’s a pursuer-andpursued dynamic, but with this pairing it’s highly aggressive and painful to both.

Be descriptive rather than judgmental: “I had to do all the chores today” rather than “You always leave the chores to me.” ■ Be polite and show appreciation when you can. If you can begin your objection softly and stay positive as far as possible (see the box opposite), you stand a much better chance of resolving things to your mutual satisfaction. ■

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ARGUING LIKE GROWN-UPS HOW TO COMMUNICATE, NOT MANIPULATE Have you ever had one of those arguments where it feels like you can’t do anything right? Do you ever feel like you’re both stuck in a script rather than talking sensibly? Maybe it’s time to check your roles.

n 1964, a book of post-Freudian theory by psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne was published. Games People Play advanced a transactional analysis of human relationships. The idea is that there are three mental stages we can occupy: the parent

state, concerned with external rules (“Don’t touch the oven,” “Say please”); the child state, which comes with our dawning self-awareness and is concerned with our feelings; and the adult state, which makes decisions based on observing the world. We are

GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES? You may be stuck in a Karpman drama triangle, driving each other around these three roles:

Persecutor

Victim

Rescuer

In reality, the Victim isn’t wholly innocent, the Persecutor isn’t completely powerful, and the Rescuer isn’t entirely helpful: each role just validates the false position of the others. Sometimes, of course, people really are innocent victims, maligned bullies, and heroic rescuers—but if your relationship isn’t outright abusive (see pages 156–157), it’s more likely that you’re two fallible human beings who’ve fallen into playing those roles rather than communicating constructively.

not always the same psychological age in all our dealings: sometimes we shift from age to age and role to role. In a conflict with our partner, we hope we can talk like two adults, but it’s easy to slip into a parental role (“You know you should have told me about the office party sooner...”) and/ or a child one (“...I can't read your mind—it’s not fair!”). That makes it hard to resolve things as equals. If one partner slips into a child or parent role, it’s easy for the other to slip into the complementary one: if someone whines at us like a child, we want to snap at them like a parent, and vice versa. With both sides feeling wronged, an argument soon turns into a fight. Getting a grip on our own maturity and exercising self-control in the hopes of encouraging our partner to do likewise can take an effort! The drama triangle An added complication is the idea of victimization. Berne’s pupil Stephen Karpman created a diagram known as the Karpman drama triangle (see left), to show three basic positions: The Victim, a helpless innocent who’s not responsible for anything that happens to them. The Persecutor, an aggressor who coerces the Victim.

ARGUING LIKE GROWN-UPS

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SWITCHING ROLES When we argue, we can shuttle around Karpman's drama triangle, pushing our opponent off one point and onto another. If you get stuck in this pattern, you might want to take a minute and get some space—as long as it’s mutually agreed, not storming out—and then try some afﬁrmation instead.

A: You didn’t call to say you’d be late. You’re so inconsiderate! (Persecutor) AFFIRMATION

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

B: I couldn’t help it, I was run off my feet all day. (Victim)

B: I’m sorry if I made you feel upset. I had a bad day, but I know I should have called.

A: So your work’s more important than me? (Victim) B: No, but I don’t see you raking in the dough. (Persecutor)

A: I don’t want you forgetting about me just because you’ve had a bad day.

A: [starts to cry] (Victim) B: Come on honey, don’t be like that. Let me take you out to dinner. (Rescuer)

B: I know. You know you matter more to me than anything else, right?

A: Don’t do me any favors. (Victim) B: Fine! Why should I try to be nice when you don’t appreciate it? (Victim)

The Rescuer, a savior who intervenes to help or save the Victim. In this kind of argument, someone will usually switch from position to position, depending on the reactions of another person, and if we get caught up in it, we tend to fall into complementary roles—see above. It can be obscurely rewarding to play

these roles: in Berne’s terminology, we seek people to provide strokes— gestures of acknowledgment that we’re there. Validating someone’s role by playing up to it is a stroke of sorts. It’s better long term, though, to move away from these roles into direct communication, adult to adult. If someone’s feeling insecure enough

A: Yes, I guess so. And I do care if you have a bad day, really I do.

to get into this drama triangle (people who’ve had difficult childhoods are particularly prone to it), they do need strokes—but what they really need are honest affirmations of love. If you get into conflict, keep an eye on how you respond, and if you find you’re falling into the same old pattern, try affirming each other more directly.

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A GOOD CLEAN FIGHT HOW TO ARGUE AND MOVE ON We’d all like to avoid conﬂict if we could, but let’s admit it: sometimes we’re annoying and sometimes we get annoyed. How do we hash things out with a partner without ending up unhappier than before?

e may try to settle important issues by peaceful negotiation and constructive discussion, but everyone has a bad day sometimes. Being able to express anger with each other is probably healthy—you’re not afraid of your partner, for one thing—but in the end it’s important to settle the issue rather than stay angry. What’s the best way to manage that—try to engage your partner actively, or to disengage and let things cool off?

neglect): these grievances have opposite solutions (see below) and the wrong one may only escalate things.

Step up or step back? The answer depends very much on how threatened your partner feels. According to US studies published in 2013 in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, ﬁghts can be viewed as having two different bases: perceived neglect and perceived threat. If your partner is angry, it’s useful to ask yourself whether their anger boils down to “Don’t you talk to me like that!” (perceived threat) or “Stop ignoring me!” (perceived

Collaborate or compete? Some couples are more cooperative than others, and you’d think that a collaborative style—actively working together to build trust and emotional closeness—would make for a happier relationship. But even if a couple tries to deal with conﬂict collaboratively, it’s still stressful. So where does that leave us? In 2006, psychologist Jeremy Tiegerman met with couples in a conﬂict resolution program: he theorized that the collaborative couples would be happier with each other than the competitive ones. In fact, the results

How to resolve: Disengage from your anger.

Lower the tone: soften your voice, keep your body language unthreatening.

Perceived threat: “Don’t you talk to me like that!”

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY? If someone is yelling at you, it doesn’t mean they don’t feel threatened: threat triggers the ﬁght or ﬂight response, and sometimes we meet a threat by facing it down.

Perceived neglect: “Stop ignoring me!”

How to resolve: Engage with your partner.

A GOOD CLEAN FIGHT

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LAUGH IT OFF Does it help to make jokes in an argument? It depends what kind. A US study published in 2013 in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin videotaped couples trying to solve a relationship conﬂict, assessed their attachment styles, and classiﬁed three kinds of humor:

Type of humor (and who uses it)

Characterized by jokes that…

Representing a bid for...

Afﬁliative humor (most typical of secure types)

invite the partner to share the amusement

connection

Self-defeating humor (most typical of anxious types)

put the teller down

reassurance

Aggressive humor (most typical of avoidant types)

are funny at the partner’s expense

dominance

Neither aggressive nor self-defeating humor tended to get a good response, especially when the teller’s partner was very distressed— afﬁliative humor proved the most effective.

were unexpected: the style of conflict management didn’t make very much difference. What mattered was how often, and how intensely, the couples were in conflict. More fights made for less happiness no matter how the couples dealt with it. Perhaps naturally competitive people are just as comfortable with competition as collaborative ones are with

Avoid being adversarial: stop trying to make your point, at least for now.

Be open to your partner expressing their feelings, accent the positive ones, and communicate yours.

collaboration: the key finding, though, is that it’s probably best to try to solve problems before they get to the point of turning into an argument. Virtually everyone has fights, but it’s good to remember that different fights may be about different needs— and that it’s usually a good idea to keep the number of quarrels to a minimum if you can!

Relinquish power: let your partner have their say, and concede whatever you can.

Show more open affection and demonstrate your investment in the relationship and the conversation.

OUTLASTING THE QUARRELS What can long-married couples teach us? In a study published in the journal Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training in 2000, researchers led by Richard A. Mackey at Boston College interviewed 72 couples from diverse backgrounds who had been together for about 35 years, to see how they handled conﬂict resolution. The conclusion was that long-lasting couples tended to be able to explore each other’s needs and expectations and accept each other’s differences: a bit of empathy in advance can save a lot of conﬂict. No couple will agree on everything, and if you agree on that, you’ve got a good start.

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STOP HOGGING THE COVERS! SHARING A BED

he average adult needs between seven and nine hours of sleep per night. If you share a bed with your partner, that’s a substantial part of your lives that you’ll spend in each other’s exclusive, if unconscious, company. Few things are more intimate. Sleep is so vital to our well-being—even a single hour’s sleep debt slows down our thinking and lowers our immune system—that sharing a bed can also affect how you relate by day. Conﬂict is best handled with constructive maturity, but no one is at their most grown-up if they’ve been woken up for the ﬁfth time that night! Closeness under the covers Sleeping together can help physical intimacy, of course—it’s easier to snuggle or seduce someone within reach—but we've long sought safety and warmth as well. Nighttime is a frightening time for dim-sighted mammals like humans. Shared sleep offers a state of mutual protection that unites us against the night. For this very reason, of course, some people don't like it: people with avoidant attachment style, for instance, are particularly inclined to prefer a solitary bed. Not everyone who hesitates to bunk up is avoiding intimacy, though: sometimes they just need their rest.

At the end of a long day, is the thought of curling up under the covers with your partner a welcome one? Some beds are a haven, some are a mineﬁeld. How do you keep everyone happy and get a good night’s sleep?

I just need to sleep! Maybe you have no difﬁculty in curling up and dozing off together, but one in three people suffers from insomnia at least now and again, and sometimes it is just easier to sleep if you don’t have to worry about waking someone else up. What if you’re a morning person and your partner’s a night owl, or vice versa? A US study of 150 couples, published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in 1991, found that mismatched sleeping patterns

STOP HOGGING THE COVERS!

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GOOD DAY, GOOD SLEEP Open up. A US study published in Health Psychology in 2014 reported that both men and women slept better if they’d experienced positive self-disclosure (or opening up) during the day: women said they felt their sleep quality was better, while men said they woke up fewer times during the night. Finding a good relationship pattern and a good sleep pattern can become a virtuous circle.

We can expect to get along better during the day if we’ve had a decent night’s sleep—but there’s also reason to believe that it works the other way around, too.

A good start. In a study at the University of Pittsburgh’s Sleep Medicine Institute, researchers followed the sleep patterns of 29 co-sleeping couples for seven days, asking each partner to keep a sleep diary that week. The diaries made interesting reading: not only did the couples report getting along better if they’d slept well the previous night (especially the men), but both men and women (especially the women) also slept better after a harmonious day.

✔ For more on self-disclosure, see pages 175 and 188–189.

B e hap p y

Don’t go to bed angry. Even if you’re tired, try to make up. In a US study published in the journal Personal Relationships in 2011, psychologists Angela Hicks and Lisa Diamond looked at 39 subjects who were in established relationships and found that all of them slept worse and woke unhappier the morning after an unresolved quarrel. The people most badly affected, though, were the highly anxious types. The least affected were the avoidants, suggesting that they were able to tamp down their emotions the most ﬁrmly—but even they had a bad night and felt low the next morning.

✔ For more on resolving a quarrel, see pages 198–201.

✔ Our bedime routine also affects how well we sleep. See the American Psychological Association website for some simple steps to better sleep: http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/ sleep-disorders.aspx

Sleep well

do indeed cause problems: the couples who couldn’t or wouldn’t sleep at the same time were likely to have more arguments, less shared activity, and less sex. The ones who managed to avoid this downward spiral did so by being flexible and finding a compromise. In the end, a good night’s sleep is probably more important than whether you sleep together or apart. A 2013 study at the University of Pittsburgh found that people suffering from insomnia had a lot more difficulty processing negative emotions, while a 2010 UK

study found that lack of sleep made people less inhibited and more impulsive in responding to negative stimuli. Tired people are irritable, in short, and have more difﬁculty avoiding a quarrel. Since we’re also more likely to be honest and constructive with our partners when we’re rested (see above), all in all it pays to get enough sleep, even if you have to be a bit ﬂexible about where you sleep. There are other ways to create physical and emotional intimacy, but a sleep-deprived partner might be a grump no matter what you try!

7-9 hours

The average adult needs seven to nine hours’ sleep per night. If you share a bed with your partner, that’s a third of your life together!

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CAREER PRESSURES MAINTAINING EQUALITY IN A CONFUSING WORLD

In a perfect world we could lie in our partner’s arms all day and never have to worry about money—but we do, unfortunately, and the money isn’t always equal. Time to settle a few old arguments…

n increasingly common buzzword today is dualcareer couples: that is, couples who both work to support the household, and who have careers that are fulﬁlling as well as providing a paycheck. For many of us, the days when life could be divided between the breadwinner and the homemaker are long gone—not only because of equal rights but often because a couple or family can’t manage on one income. With those roles up for grabs now, how balanced is the world really? Keeping it fair No matter how hard a day you’ve had, someone has to do the laundry or you’ll both be a mess tomorrow. According to a survey from the University of Wisconsin, 50 percent of American men claim they do most or half of the housework, but 70 percent of women claim they do it all—since the women were logging about 28 hours of housework per week while the men were logging 16, the case for the ladies looks stronger. Depending on the hours you work, the length of your commute, and the state of your health, splitting the chores 50-50 may not be possible, but unacknowledged work is liable to cause resentment even if the split is relatively even. It’s probably best, if your partner does do more of the housework than you, to acknowledge that fact and thank them rather than insist that you do as much. All equal? Heterosexual working couples do have to deal with an unequal world. According to a 2013 report by the Pew Research Center, American women earn 84 cents on the dollar compared to men. In a 1996 study

CAREER PRESSURES

How times change: in the US in 1970, the combined average number of hours worked by a couple was 52.4 hours a week—40 years later, in 2009, it was found to be 63 hours a week.

28:16 hours 40 years

Who does the housework? In a 2013 Pew report in the US, women did 28 hours per week while men were logging 16 hours.

In 1970, 66 percent of couples had a spouse at home. Forty years later, in 2010, the ﬁgure was closer to 40 percent.

of the pay gap’s impact on 62 couples, psychologist Jennifer Lowell found that people who earned less than their partner, both men and women, tended to feel that their partner leveraged their income to get their way in shared decisions. Equality of income is a massively touchy subject both politically and domestically, so do your best to keep it out of disagreements as much as possible: the link between a person’s earnings and how they perceive their judgment and status within a relationship is a can of worms that may be best left unopened.

that men have to be more successful to be manly really isn’t fair to anyone: it's wrong for men to be ashamed because they happen to have a successful partner, and it’s a struggle for women to have their work devalued. It can be difficult for both men and women who feel inadequate if their partner is a big success, but remember that you aren’t opponents: the common enemy is stereotypes that put pressure on you. Busy couples may struggle to find time together, which is bad enough, but when you add in the potential for financial inequality—which afflicts both men and women in different ways—it’s wise to try as hard as possible to keep money out of arguments and remember that you’re a team. It can be hard to make the household work even on two incomes, but trust that you’re each doing your best and support each other, and it will go better for both of you.

A united front Inequality isn’t easy for men, either, and tends to hit their self-esteem. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that, while women’s selfesteem could generally survive having a more successful male partner, men tended to feel bad about themselves if the positions were reversed. The expectation

205

84¢:$1

In the 2013, women in the US were only earning 84 cents to the dollar compared to men. In 1967, it was just 58 cents to the dollar.

UNEQUAL PAY A common argument about unequal pay is that women earn less because they work lower-paid jobs. In a study published in 2014, Harvard labor economist Claudia Goldin looked at wage gaps, and after adjusting for educational level, age, and the number of hours worked, she found that even the whitest-collar jobs were out of line. Female ﬁnancial analysts only make 66 percent of their male counterparts’ salaries, female doctors 71 percent, and female lawyers and judges 82 percent. For heterosexual men wondering whether their girlfriends or wives are getting things out of proportion if they say they feel short-changed— well, they probably aren’t, so the more supportive you are, the better.

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THE CHILDFREE LIFE CHOOSING NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN If you and your partner don’t want to have children, you can still enjoy a full, happy life together—despite what others may tell you. Still, there are some issues you’ll need to consider.

CHILDREN MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? A study by psychologists Susan Hoffman and Ronald Levant compared 32 couples aged 25–35 who planned to remain child-free and 20 couples of similar age who planned to have children within the next ﬁve years. The result: the two groups were equally happy and well adjusted. The only distinction was that the women who did not plan to have children considered themselves less stereotyped than those who did. That was in 1985. With non-parenthood becoming an increasingly visible option, it’s possible that women now may feel it’s less unconventional to remain child-free. Either way, the results are good news: whether you plan to have children or not makes very little difference to how happy you are and will be in the future.

here’s a phrase becoming increasingly familiar in popular culture: “child-free.” A few generations ago, marriage almost inevitably meant children, but since the advent of reliable contraception, choosing to have a long-term romantic relationship that doesn’t involve becoming parents has become a viable option—and a rising number of couples are taking it. (For the involuntarily childless, it’s clearly a different story: if you want to have children, but you’re worried you can’t, turn to pages 208–209.) The biological clock In a 2012 study of voluntarily childfree women by Gail DeLyser of the Institute for Clinical Social Work, Chicago, none of the women found that perimenopause (the period of declining fertility that precedes actual menopause) or menopause brought any regrets: they were just as happy with their decision once it was irrevocable as they had always been.

If you’re in a child-free relationship and you have second thoughts— or you worry you might later—you needn’t assume the decision is set in stone: as clinical psychologist and author Christine Meinecke points out regarding child-free couples, “Couples can redefine a relationship as many times as they need to.” If you and your partner disagree, good communication is vital, because the stakes are high for both of you. Are we being selfish? The voluntarily child-free often point out that there’s nothing particularly selfish about choosing not to have children if you don’t want them: after all, people generally have children

…the child-free, as a group, are not homogenous in their motivations Vincent Ciaccio Researcher in social psychology, Rutgers University

THE CHILD-FREE LIFE

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I in 5

A GROWING MINORITY Having children is still the norm, though less so now than it was for our parents. In 2012, a National Health Statistics Report on fertility found that 57.4 percent of US women aged 15–44 had children, and 42.6 percent did not. Of those who were childless, 34.3 percent were temporarily childless but open to having children later, 2.3 percent were unable to have children, and 6 percent were child-free by choice.

42.6% childless

57.4% with children

34.3%

2.3%

TEMPORARY

VOLUNTARY

INVOLUNTARY

because of their own wishes, which isn’t any more unselﬁsh as a motivation. A study by Vincent Ciaccio, published in 2003, found that among the 457 volunteers who were interviewed, the reasons for choosing to avoid parenthood varied widely— careers, ﬁnancial freedom, privacy, social lives, and the quality of their relationship with their partner were all common explanations. As Ciaccio put it, “These reasons show a solid understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood, which the child-free do not desire to take

upon themselves.” Child-free couples, in other words, are usually sensible people who have taken stock of their choices and made a considered decision—it's not the only legitimate decision to take, of course, but it's as legitimate as any other. A little support Being voluntarily child-free is, according to the evidence, not a particularly regrettable decision. It’s worth acknowledging, though, that it’s still a minority choice, and childfree couples may well come under pressure from outsiders to change

According to a Pew report in 2010, one in five women in the US will have no children in her lifetime, compared to one in 10 women in the 1970s. UK figures from the Office for National Statistics are almost identical: one in five, and one in nine respectively.

24%

The most educated women are among the most likely never to have a child: in 2008, 24 percent (almost one in four) of American women aged 40–44 with a higher degree had not had children.

their minds. If you’re feeling that pressure yourself, you’ll ﬁnd many child-free support groups online. To the more mild-mannered child-free couple, the tone may often sound rather heated (the Internet not being the home of the temperate). Even so, if your inclinations are against parenthood, but sympathetic to parents, and if you can ﬁnd the kind of support that suits you, it will probably make your life easier. In short, there’s no reason to think that remaining a couple rather than a couple-plus-children is any worse a choice: your relationship is unlikely to suffer as long as you both remain comfortable with your decision.

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TRYING FOR A BABY KEEPING IT FUN WHEN THINGS GET SERIOUS There can be a world of difference between lovemaking and trying for a baby—one of those sounds a lot more fun than the other. How do you keep physical intimacy intimate as well as physical?

ome couples ﬁnd the matter of having children settled by a happily accidental pregnancy, but deciding to put away the pills and condoms and do what sex was evolutionarily designed to do—make a new person—can be a psychological leap. Regular sex without the worry about getting pregnant can be fun, but it can bring certain pressures, too. Is tonight the night? If you’re tracking ovulation cycles and trying not to miss monthly windows of opportunity, sex can start to feel a bit mechanical. About 84 in every 100 couples conceive within a year, which is not exactly guaranteed—so it’s possible you’ll also be feeling anxious. Some experts advise having as much sex as possible to maximize your chances, while others advise that you save sex for around ovulation time. With no consensus, your best

bet is almost certainly to do whatever appeals most. Even if you do decide to save sex for ovulation, there’s no reason not to have sensuous cuddles and fooling around at other times. You’re taking this on together, so the closer you are emotionally, the better. Can’t get in the mood? Trying for a baby may sound like a stress-free excuse for enthusiastic sex all the time—but don’t feel guilty if that isn’t the case. Everyone’s natural drive is different, and stage fright can happen to the best of us. If you find that nerves are making you freeze up, the best thing to do for both your sakes is to lower the expectations. Women, for instance, may find that the pressure interferes with their bodies’ natural lubrication: rather than feeling inadequate, buy some non-spermicidal lubricant. Men, meanwhile, may find it more difficult for them to rise to the occasion: if that’s the case, talk about introducing some erotica just for the

moment, to help things along—by bringing in a bit of extra stimulation or just helping you giggle together about the whole business. When you’re watching the calendar every month it’s easy to get drawn into a cycle of hope and disappointment. It's easier said than done, but your best bet is to reduce expectations and try to see the funny side. The sex doesn’t have to be earth-shattering to create a baby, but if you can keep working together, supporting each other in insecure moments, and going as easy on yourself as you can, that’s still pretty good lovemaking.

Many couples are not aware that chance plays a big role in getting pregnant ... so ﬁnding out that it isn’t happening can be a shock. Geraldine Hartshorne Warwick Medical School

TRYING FOR A BABY

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WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Most couples conceive within a year of having regular sex with no contraception. Women can have healthy babies well into their forties, but age does have an effect on fertility. A UK study in 2012 shows that the longer we've been trying, the more likely infertility is an issue and the less likely we'll conceive within the next month:

Age

Number of months trying to get pregnant and probability of conception within the next month 3 months

6 months

9 months

12 months

24 months

36 months

18%

15%

12%

10%

16%

13%

11%

12%

0.5%

Coping with infertility Few things are as painful as the experience of a couple who want to have a baby and ﬁnd, or fear, that they can’t. That pain is real and shouldn’t be brushed off: a study in the Indian Journal of Community Psychology, for instance, found in 2010 that involuntarily childless people (particularly women) suffered more anxiety and depression than couples with children. Medical intervention such as IVF can sometimes help, but doesn’t always work, which brings its own difﬁculties. Sex can start to suffer after the physical and emotional ordeal of treatment: a 2007 study by Judith C. Daniluk and Elizabeth Tench at the University of British Columbia followed the progress of 38 couples for 33 months after unsuccessful fertility treatment and found that while their self-esteem began to recover, their sex life tended to diminish unless they had good social and emotional support (though the couples who adopted tended to fare better).

Even people whose treatment has been successful don’t always feel completely recovered. A 2004 study in Sweden, for instance, found that while parents whose children were conceived by IVF faced similar parenting stresses to those who conceived naturally, the negative feelings they experienced toward their own fertility were not easily shaken off. In such circumstances, partners will be coping with considerable emotional distress. It may very well affect them differently, calling for extra tolerance and empathy on both sides at a time when just coping with their own feelings may be all each partner feels up to. Get as much support as you possibly can, consider counseling, and try to be patient with each other and with yourselves.

1 in 7

Fertility problems affect one in seven couples in the UK.

15–25%

The odds of getting pregnant in any given month are roughly 15–25 percent (subject to factors like age, health, and how often you have sex).

The best time to get pregnant is a day or so either side of ovulation—on average, around day 14 of the cycle, but this varies from woman to woman.

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BABY ON THE WAY STAYING SEXUAL DURING PREGNANCY Will we hurt the baby? It’s generally agreed that, in most pregnancies, sex is perfectly safe. The uterus is a tough muscle—a little lovemaking is not going to disturb it— and the baby is safely cushioned inside the amniotic ﬂuid. For the sake of caution, though, you might have a chat with the doctor to set your mind at ease, especially if you have any medical conditions that could cause complications. Don’t be embarrassed: a good doctor should support your right to enjoy yourselves.

whip up our moods, and both of you may sometimes struggle to keep up. It’s good to be mutually considerate in any situation, but the woman may be feeling extra vulnerable and deserves some extra patience. On the male side, it’s worth noting that semen contains small quantities of prostaglandin—the same hormone that doctors use in medications and gels to induce overdue labor. This may sound alarming —talk to your doctor if you’re not sure—but it’s highly unlikely to have any effect on a cervix that isn’t already ripe. It is, though, the reason why couples sometimes have a lot of sex late in pregnancy, in the hopes of getting labor started. By that time, the woman will feel pretty enormous and barely mobile: comfortable positions and low expectations are the most important things here.

Hormonal changes Pregnancy ﬂoods the body with estrogen and progesterone, and depending on the individual and the moment, you might feel sick and crampy, or like a lioness who can’t wait to pounce on her partner. Your partner may feel a little overwhelmed by these changes: hormones can

Beautiful bump? For some women, a burgeoning bump makes them feel sexier than ever, while others feel fat, frumpy, and undesirable. This is a time when you’ll need plenty of communication and mutual empathy, especially as men also have differing feelings when it comes to pregnancy—some ﬁnd it

Sexual relationships make for pregnancy—but does pregnancy have to unmake a sexual relationship? Not necessarily. Adaptability can get you through those 40-odd weeks without having to resort to celibacy.

uring pregnancy, our bodies, minds, and hearts are all in turmoil. How do you hang on to the connection that led to this pregnancy in the ﬁrst place— including the physical connection? For some couples, especially those who’ve always been careful about contraception, pregnancy can be tremendously freeing: for once in your lives, you can have sex without worrying about unwanted pregnancy. For others, though, it can be a time of sex-inhibiting anxiety—not the least, anxiety about the baby.

This is a time when you’ll need plenty of communication and mutual empathy.

BABY ON THE WAY gorgeously feminine, some feel it’s nature’s “no entry” sign, and some feel it’s somehow impolite to get into the baby’s space. If it’s putting the man off his game, don’t forget there are many ways of pleasing each other that don’t involve penetrative sex. After all, if variety is the spice of life, you might as well seize the chance. Physical changes Breasts tend to swell and become more tender, and sometimes leak milk as the baby approaches full term (which some men ﬁnd alarming and some irresistible); there’s an increased ﬂow of blood to the whole genital area, which again can increase sensitivity; some positions can be untenable, since the upwardpressing womb causes heartburn; the pelvic ligaments can loosen in the last weeks, making walking painful. In short, the pregnant body is unpredictable and can surprise its owner in all sorts of ways, some of which are great for sex and some of which are challenging.

Sex is physically intimate, but physical intimacy goes beyond sex.

An open mind and imagination are your best friends while facing the next nine months. There may be times when your partner needs to take some cold showers or conﬁne his activity to self-stimulation, but that needn't exclude the woman’s company. Sex is physically intimate, but physical intimacy goes beyond sex, so try to have as much of the nonsexual kind as you can.

RELAXED OR PANICKED?

BABY BRAIN? Numerous studies conﬁrm that some women experience baby brain, or short-term memory loss during pregnancy: for some pregnant women, it can sometimes be surprisingly hard to recall what has just happened. Psychologist Laura Glynn of Chapman University suggests that this helps a mother to focus on the needs of her unborn child. Whatever the reason, a partner needs to strike a delicate balance between respecting the mom’s intelligence and accepting her forgetfulness.

Help! What have we done? Even couples who have planned a pregnancy can feel panicky once it goes from a plan to a reality. That’s actually a good sign, showing you’re responsible parents taking it seriously —but if the panic temporarily sidetracks you, try other forms of intimacy so that you don’t miss out. Above all, communicate. If this is your ﬁrst pregnancy, you may both feel lost. How it will affect both of you physically and emotionally is impossible to predict. Don’t rely on guesswork: you’re in new territory now, so make a point of asking each other how you’re feeling. When the baby arrives, don’t feel guilty if you feel overwhelmed at having to learn so many new skills on so little sleep—or if your love for your baby feels less like instant adoration, more like slow-growing affection. One in 10 mothers suffers postpartum depression, but all partners should be extra aware of a woman’s well-being once the pregnancy is over. Keep communicating, and have faith you’ll come through this together.

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The psychological effects of pregnancy vary—to help each other cope, watch for these common experiences: In the ﬁrst trimester, ■

Anxiety about the baby’s wellbeing: since miscarriage is most common early on, it’s easy to worry.

■

Tension can exacerbate morning sickness, which is stressful in itself.

■

Emotional highs/lows: a woman’s hormones play a part, but so does her disposition and support system.

■

Fatigue and low energy: a partner will need to let the woman be the judge of how much rest she needs.

In the second trimester, ■

The feeling of physical well-being increases, which helps her mood. Women who were worried about miscarriage may also start to relax as the baby’s chances improve.

■

As blood ﬂow to the pelvic region increases, a woman may feel more tingly and erotic.

■

Some women feel socially excluded, fat, unattractive, vulnerable—and more in need of a protective partner.

■

Bonding with the baby becomes easier as it starts to move noticably.

In the third trimester, ■

With labor drawing near, anxiety is only natural. Late-term pregnancy can be especially uncomfortable.

■

Work stress can increase as you try to get ready for maternity leave.

Partners, especially men, can feel confused, out of sorts, and—in their role as protector—unable to talk freely. A good support network can be crucial.

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A UNITED FRONT HOW TO SHARE PARENTING WITHOUT GOING CRAZY

t’s Friday night: it’s been a long week, you’re exhausted, your children come home from school yelling and misbehaving … and if your partner undermines your discipline, you know there will be a meltdown. How to avoid the drama?

STAY ATTACHED Your attachment style may come into play when you parent: anxious people are afraid of abandonment and can overreact to misbehavior or be overly protective, while avoidant people are uncomfortable with extreme emotion and can be unsympathetic or dismissive when the kids need patience. We know adults use their romantic partners as a safe haven (see pages 30–31): when your children trigger your stress systems, remember your attachment style and ask your partner to help you get things settled. Parenting is often difﬁcult, so it’s okay to need extra help: guidance from other parents can be helpful, and supportive couples can care for each other while caring for their children.

THINK AHEAD

Few things put a relationship between parents under more strain than a clash of values over how to handle your children. How can you keep yourselves harmonious when the kids act up?

Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2009 found that the couples least likely to fall out of love post-baby were those who were happiest beforehand— but also those whose children were planned, not accidental. Contraception can be a nuisance in the short term, but in the long term the odds favor couples who have conceived by design.

A UNITED FRONT SORT OUT YOUR ISSUES No one raises children without a few bumps, and children can be surprisingly effective at bringing up painful memories—through no fault of their own, of course. You may ﬁnd it helpful to sort out your parenting needs (yes, parents have needs, too) into two categories: things that bother you because they go against what you consider reasonable rules for any child to follow, and things that bother you because of personal associations. Suppose, for instance, you had a bullying brother who used to beat you up when you were kids: your issues when you see your own children play ﬁghting may look something like the diagram below. Both circles are important: families have to live with each other, after all. Sit down with your partner and work out what your “always unacceptable” and “personal issues” are, so that when you’re under stress you can help each other stay fair. This is a time when a good partner can help you to be your best self.

RULES VERSUS NEEDS When your rules and your personal issues overlap, it can be easy to lose it with your children. This is when it’s most valuable to have your partner’s guidance on how much discipline is enough.

OPENING OLD WOUNDS

GET IT STRAIGHT The moment your children are climbing the walls is not the moment to make important decisions about discipline: what you need to do is communicate in advance. Try making two different lists.

House rules. What’s acceptable and what’s not. (For instance: no violence, use a nice voice, respect one another’s things...). Keep it simple—too many complex rules confuse children. And remember, once you’ve made the rules, you’ll have to stick to them yourselves. If you ﬁnd your partner undermines your decisions, revisit the rules when your children are not around. Consequences. Improvising in the heat of the moment is a bad idea. Agree what you consider to be a fair penalty and what kinds of behavior should warrant it.

Children need consistency, but this will also give you more sense of control: one reason why parents overreact to bad behavior and take it out on each other is that it’s disempowering to feel unable to cope with a crisis. Once you and your partner have shared rules that reﬂect both your values, you’ve built support for each other into the life of the household.

Things that are always unacceptable: Physical battles can get out of hand and end in hurting each other or breaking something.

My kids' play ﬁghting makes me nervous.

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If you've had a rough childhood yourself, it can be difficult to be the parent you want to be: even if you vowed you’d never take it out on your children, in the moment they’re driving you crazy, you can regress to old bad habits. The good news is that, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, positive communication and warmth from your partner can be very effective at helping you break the cycle. If you know you didn’t see the ideal model in your parents, your partner is your best ally. Agree on a signal for your partner to tell you, “You’re losing it, step back and let me handle this,” and look to them to be your coach when things get difficult. On the other hand, if you feel confident about your parenting but your partner has issues, it’s most effective to emphasize that you respect them for their efforts even when they do make mistakes. Breaking abusive cycles is hard and heroic work, and it’s best to do it as a heroic couple who is fighting the same demon together.

Things that are my own personal issues: The sight of children wrestling brings up horrible memories from my own childhood.

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PARENTS’ DATE NIGHT HAVING SOME FUN IN THE FEW SPARE MOMENTS

ven the best parents in the world need some time alone just as a couple, but it can be hard to switch from parents to dating couple in the short amount of time available. What’s the solution? Help yourselves along Remember those early days of your romance when you stayed up all night talking? Talking to each other is very nice even if you have heard all of each other’s stories by now. These days, you may have to be a little more organized—a skill you’ve been cultivating ever since you became parents. You'll have to arrange babysitters in advance, for example, or you won’t be able to go out. While you’re planning the date in advance, you can plan some topics of conversation as well. Never mind spontaneity: while the children are still young, any kind of romantic connection is an accomplishment. Whatever your interests, think about something you’d ﬁnd fun to discuss with your partner and then save the discussion for date night. If the conversation takes off from there, wonderful, but if that’s all you’ve got to talk about for a while, at least you’ve deﬁnitely got a topic. Don’t go overboard To quote French playwright and philosopher Voltaire, “The perfect is

If you know the joy of parenthood, you’ll know the scarcity of a night alone together. After all the effort and fatigue, how do you actually manage to enjoy yourselves once you get a night out?

Making someone a cup of tea ... is very important to people. Those little gestures can be as important as profound conversation. Lynn Jamieson Sociology professor, Univerity of Edinburgh

PARENTS’ DATE NIGHT WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS? Your date night is so precious, it’s understandable if you have high expectations of making it truly meaningful. It’s usually best, though, to keep your goals concrete rather than abstract. Research conducted at Harvard Business School and published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that setting out to make someone smile more, for example, led to greater satisfaction than something big and vague such as “Make someone happy.” The simpler the goal, the more likely the outcome will match your expectations and the more rewarding that will feel.

the enemy of the good.” You may well feel that two weeks on a tropical beach would just about do it in terms of rest and reconnection—but you may have to settle for less. Children strain resources—time, money, and energy, to name but a few. If you pressure yourselves into stretching those resources even further on bigticket treats, you’ll probably be too worried to feel romantic. If money’s tight, you don’t even have to go to a fancy restaurant: pick a local bar or coffee shop and enjoy a single drink, or pack sandwiches for a walk in the park. If you can’t manage a babysitter, stay in and turn the TV ﬁrmly off: try a board game that encourages easy conversation, or a game that involves imaginative fooling around, like charades. Getting any time to yourselves when there are small people about can be difﬁcult, but don’t shortchange yourselves: you have to work together as

CAN’T KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN? Parents with young children can be particularly exhausted. Here are some tips for having a good date despite the fatigue: ✔ Schedule a daytime date. Find a babysitter who’s willing to take the kids on a weekend lunchtime or afternoon and then go out and enjoy yourselves for a couple of hours before you’re completely worn out. ✔ Camp out in your bedroom. Remember those sleepovers or campfires of your youth, where you told ghost stories and dirty jokes? They were fun, weren’t they? As long as there’s no child in your bed, you can always take your date there and try to scare and/or titillate each other. ✔ Get in the water. There’s nothing like a nice long soak to ease a battered body. If your local fitness center has a hydrotherapy or spa pool, book a session there for the two of you. If not, just go to your local pool when there’s a free swim and chill out in the shallow end, letting your limbs float and having a soothing conversation.

a family, and the work is a lot more rewarding when you feel like a connected couple rather than a business partnership. The day will come when you do have more time again, but until then, plan your own fun with the same care you’d plan time with your kids: if anyone deserves it, you do.

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STUCK FOR A BABYSITTER? If you have friends from prenatal class, or your children have friends from playgroup, daycare, or school, these fellow parents are your new best buddies. Approach them and propose to exchange play dates at each other's houses. If the children settle in, then you can take turns to supervise play dates and go out. In effect you’re paying the sitter in kind rather than with money. Added to that, your children will be all the better entertained by having their friends around when it’s your turn to have a play date. (Assuming their friends aren’t awful—check before you commit!) You win either way, and you get to go on date nights.

HIT THE OPEN ROAD If there’s really nowhere nice nearby, you’ve got to get back in an hour, and you have a car, then go for a quiet drive. You may not be able to go for a massive road trip, but think of the advantages: it’s private, there’s just the two of you, you get to pick the music, and you have a roof over your heads. Pack some snacks if you like, and just talk while you toodle along.

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SEE YOU AT SEX O’CLOCK MAKING TIME FOR SEX

hen children are young, parents know from experience that if anything’s going to happen, it pretty much has to be planned in advance. If everything else is scheduled, then, why not sex? It may sound odd to put sex on the to-do list as if it’s a chore, but the important fact is this: just because you know it’s planned in advance doesn’t mean the sex itself is going to be boring. It’s easy to assume that we have sex because we want to, but actually it can go the other way as well: motivation can follow action. This isn’t just true of sex: consider, for instance, how often you find yourself cleaning up the whole living room because you spotted a stray toy, started picking things up, and then decided you might as well finish it. If you and your partner start kissing and cuddling, there’s a good chance you’ll start to get excited even if you weren’t to begin with. Of course, this is no justification for forcing the issue against your partner’s will: mutual consent is the only foundation for a healthy relationship. But given an atmosphere of trust, trying to get into it even if you don’t expect much can be surprisingly effective. Putting the horse before the cart To cite marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis, “I wish I had a dollar

When family responsibilities take up so much of your time and energy, spontaneous sex may appear to be a thing of the past, but that doesn’t have to mean your sex life has to come to an end.

Motivation does not come ﬁrst, action does! You have to prime the pump. David D. Burns, M.D. Professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, and author of Feeling Good

SEE YOU AT SEX O’CLOCK

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THE COMPLEX CYCLE OF FEMALE DESIRE According to Rosemary Basson, clinical professor of psychiatry and director of sexual medicine at the University of British Columbia, women’s experience of desire and sexuality Physical isn’t necessarily a straightforward well-being progression from desire to orgasm. Instead, the cycle can begin at a number of different points— especially if you're a woman in a long-term relationship—and only some of them begin with physical More arousal lust. If you’re not (with or without sure you feel up orgasm) to sex just now, think about where on the cycle you might like to begin and see if that makes sex look more approachable. You have more options than you might expect.

NEUTRALITY

(no strong feelings about sex, either for or against)

(such as a desire for closeness, awareness of a partner's needs)

Emotional closeness

(increased commitment, affection, tolerance)

Now motivated for sexual reasons also

for each time someone in my practice said … ‘I wasn’t in the mood … but once we got into it, I had a really good time!’” Sometimes we just have to get started before we feel like starting. Weiner-Davis bases this advice on the work of Rosemary Basson at the University of British Columbia. Sexual desire is generally categorized as four stages—desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution—but Basson argues that arousal and desire are often reversed (see above), and that for women in particular, sexual desire is often responsive rather than

Nonsexual needs

spontaneous: being approached by a partner or starting to do sexual things creates arousal, which in turn creates the desire for sex. Sexuality and physical affection are a crucial part of how we communicate our romantic feelings toward each other. Certainly there are phases of life where we’re exhausted, busy, and not really in the mood—but if you try being a little more strategic than usual, your body might just decide it’s capable of more than you think. A little sensuous time out together might be just what you need.

Choosing to have some physical intimacy

Some sexual arousal

Committed sex is premeditated sex. It’s willful, it’s intentional: it’s focus and presence. Esther Perel Psychotherapist and author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

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KEEPING THE SPARK BURNING LONG AND BURNING BRIGHT

here can come a day when you and your partner run out of things to do. You’re retired or your careers are stable; your children, if you have any, are now old enough to take care of themselves. What now? How do you stay excited about each other now that everything’s calmed down? Staying in love Couples can stay in love for decades, even if they are completely used to each other. A study led by Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University, for instance, examined couples who had been married for an average of 21 years and claimed to still be madly in love. When they were placed in an fMRI scanner, being shown pictures of their beloved did indeed light up the same dopamine-rich regions of their brain associated with the early stages of a romance. But they were also less obsessive than new couples, and the regions of their brains associated with liking and attachment lit up, too—neurologically speaking, they had the best of all worlds. They could think straight but were deeply in love and genuinely fond of their partners all at once. Long-burning romances do empirically happen.

GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

If we’re lucky enough to ﬁnd lifelong love, how do we stay out of a rut and keep the relationship romantic? Romantic love and emotional closeness don't have to become routine even if they are familiar.

Marriage, if it lasts, turns out to be good for you. In 2009, an international study led by clinical psychologist Kate Scott across 15 countries and 34,493 people reported that married people were at reduced risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. A supportive partner might literally lengthen your life.

KEEPING THE SPARK

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HOW DO YOU DO IT? When Stony Brook psychologist Daniel O’Leary and colleagues studied long-term couples still passionately in love, they found: They had positive thoughts about each other. They dwelled on each other's good points.

2 3

They thought about each other when they were apart.

They didn’t mentally multitask. When they thought about each other, the image of their beloved held their full attention. They had fun sharing new and challenging activities, whether physical or mental. O’Leary found this was particularly helpful for men: sharing a new experience refreshes your feelings for the person you share it with.

PEACE AND LOVE A major difference between new and established romance shows up in the opioid- and serotonin-rich regions of the brain. In new couples, not much is happening there, but in long-established ones, fMRI scans show that the presence of a partner makes the regions very active. Since those regions are associated with regulating anxiety and pain, long-standing romances bring a feeling of tranquility: the brain is on a nice, mild high, which makes you feel calm and contented.

They spent time together. Even puttering around doing chores together was bonding.

They were physically affectionate. Hugs, pats, and kisses on the cheek kept the spark.

They were physically attracted to each other. The couples said they felt warm and tingly when their partners touched them.

They kept a sexual spark. It's a two-way street—we’re more likely to have sex with someone we love— but showing affection and enjoying physical contact helps the spark.

They wanted to know where the other one was at all times. They didn’t tip over into stalking, but they did want to know what was going on with each other, especially the men.

They thought about each other a lot. The women, in particular, could be a bit obsessive about their partners.

They were enthusiastic people. Getting ﬁred up about life helped them get ﬁred up about each other, particularly the men.

They were happy people— both happily in love and happy about life in general. For women in particular, a general sense of well-being helped the romance.

In short, staying curious, passionate, cheerful, and kind can be the best recipe for a happy long-term relationship—and, in turn, a happy relationship can help us to stay cheerful and kind.

Looking ahead If you’re single, does it help to read about long-term goals? Well, yes: if you want a relationship that will last, then scoping out the options with the knowledge that you need someone who will be right for you through all the changes life brings can help you to identify the good ones. And if you’ve already picked out someone who looks like a good prospect, it still helps to look ahead. Love isn’t the answer to everything, and those who expect it to be tend to have the least fulﬁlling love lives. What love can be, if you’re lucky and you work at it, is a solid base from which you can tackle everything positively, creatively, and conﬁdently.

At its best, a romantic relationship isn’t something that turns you into a new, better person: it’s something that, as the years go on, supports you as you continue to grow into a psychologically healthier, happier, and more authentic version of the person you always were—as does love of any kind, whether you are in love or not. As you search for, consider, date, and fall in and out of love with potential partners, stay true to your best self and keep your eyes open for the person who will make it not harder but easier to be that person.

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INDEX

INDEX Page numbers in bold refer to main entries.

A abuse 137, 142 childhood 22–3, 156, 159 cycle of 157 warning signs 156–7 Acevedo, Bianca 218 Ackerman, Joshua 170 acronyms, personal ads 73 activated attachment system 148 active listening 106, 107 admissions, of faults/wrongs 145 adoption 209 adrenalin 130, 151, 154 affect regulation 30 affective shyness 108, 109 afﬁliative cues 107 age gaps 128–9 and Internet dating 76 Ainsworth, Mary 16, 17 alarms, silent 89, 93 alcohol 67 Alcott, Louisa May 68 algorithms 78 Altman, Irwin 175 altruism 35 Ambady, Nalini 45 ambiverts 36 amygdala 45, 102, 155 Anderson, David 95 anger 43, 151, 200 Anik, Lalin 92 anonymity, dissociative 83 anxiety, and CBT 24–5 anxious attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 31,39, 66, 118, 124, 125, 130, 140, 147, 148–9, 163, 212 anxious-avoidant (“fearful avoidant”) attachment style 18, 23 anxious-avoidant vicious circle 148–9 aphrodisiacs 48 apologies 145 appearance looking your best 40, 100–1 speed dating 75 thin slicing 45 Arditti, Joyce 94 arguments 196–205 Ariely, Dan 137

Arndt, Jamie 55 Aron, Arthur 151, 218 arousal 150–1, 217 astrology 52–3 asynchronicity 83 attachment challenge of insecure styles 20–1, 125, 148–9 early 17, 22 seeking 38 and sexual intimacy 146–7 styles of 16–21 to friends 38 transfer of 13 attachment theory 16–17, 22–3 attention phase 113 attitudes, and compatibility 126–7 attraction faking 130 to speciﬁc types 42–5 attractive, feeling 63 authority in families 161, 212–13 minimizing 83 autonomy 30 avoidant attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 27, 31, 39, 66–7, 118, 124–5, 140–1, 147, 148–9, 163, 164, 212 avoidants in love 171

B babies nurturing 12–13, 30 sense of smell 49 see also children; pregnancy babyface look 42, 43, 44 babysitters 214, 215 Barnum, P.T. 52 Barrett, Seishin 45 Bartholomew, Kim 22 Basson, Rosemary 217 beauty 43, 44 beds, sharing 202–3 behavioral conﬁrmation 192 behavioral shyness 108, 109 Berne, Eric 198, 199 Berscheid, Ellen 150 biological clock 206 Birdwhistell, Ray 107

Black, Jan 143 blind dates 92, 93 blood sugar levels 144 Bloom, Linda and Charlie 168 blushing 117 body language 40, 41, 62, 67, 103, 107 tips 112–15 body odor 49 Bohannan, Laura 136 bombykol 48 boundaries 142–3, 157, 171 Bowlby, John 12, 16, 17 brain and chemistry of attraction 154–5 and judging personality from faces 45 and meditation 187 in pregnancy 211 and romance 218, 219 size of human 13 breakups breaking the news 133 and children 158–9 clean 176–7 and long distance relationships 174 reaction to 19, 27, 38, 71 self-conﬁdence after 94 breathing, mindful 56, 187 Briggs, Katherine Cook 37 Brown, Brené 188, 190 Buddhism 54 Burns, David D. 216 Busch, Britta 195

C Cameron, Julia 56 Carducci, Bernardo 108 career pressures 204–5 Carter, Steven 167 cause and effect, positive 35 CBT see Cognitive Behavioural Therapy chance encounters 66–7 Charest, Rose-Marie 171 Chaucer, Geoffrey 129 chemistry, of love 48–9, 154–5 Chevalier, Maurice 128 childhood abuse 22–3, 156, 159 and expectations 22–3 and longing for romance 13 and parenting 213

INDEX children choosing not to have 206–7 dating with 160–1 pregnancy 210–11 as relationship issue 158–9 stepchildren 160–1 talking about existing 134 and time for each other 214–15 trying for a baby 208–9 Ciaccio, Vincent 206–7 clothes 40, 100, 101 Coan, James 149 coffee, meeting for 105 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 23, 24 cognitive complexity 126 cognitive distortions 24, 25 cognitive shyness 108, 109 cohabitation 172–3 Coleman, Marilyn 161 colleagues, dating 70–1 colors, and dating 101 comfort zones 60–1, 141 commitment 27 living together 172–3 and marriage 178 pace of 140–1 phobia 141, 157 rule of 167 and sex 146 signs of 141 transition to 166–7 communication about boundaries 142–3 about problems 144 active 106–7 in arguments 198–9 effective 29 companionship 27 compatibility assessing 84 of personality 126–7 conception 209 confessions 134–5, 141 confidence-building exercises 102–3 confirmation bias 98, 99 conflict 196–205 and career pressures 204–5 resolution of 200–1 roles in 198–9 and sleep 202–3 styles of 197 Confucius 119 connection and being seen 190 seeking 38–9 conscientiousness 126 consummate love 27 contempt 196 contraception 89, 212 control, and abuse 56 conversations conversation phase 113 nothing to say 187

skills of good 110–11 starting 67 coping skills 195 Corneille, Pierre 136 couples child-free 206–7 and children 206–17 collaborative or competitive 200–1 conﬂict 196–201 routines and roles 194–5 shaping each other 192–3 staying connected 186–7, 218–19 staying together 184–5 couples therapy 176 Crapuchettes, Bruce 28–9 criticism 196 crushes, unrequited 68 cuddle hormone see oxytocin cuddles 145, 146 Cuddy, Amy 64–5

D Daniluk, Judith C. 209 Darwin, Charles 12 dating after divorce 94–5 assessing your new date 118–19 with children 160–1 the first date 98–105, 111, 130 multi-dating 132–3 parents’ date night 214–15 second date 99, 130–1 stress-free first date 104–5 see also blind dates, Internet dating, work Davis, Paul F. 166 de Becker, Gavin 157 deactivating strategies 18, 27, 119, 148 DeBruine, Lisa 44 decision making 37 declarations, to friends 68–9 defensiveness 196 DeLyser, Gail 206 desire 151, 154, 217 sexual 217 Deyo, Rabbi Yaacov and Sue 74 Diamond, Lisa 203 discipline, for children 213 disgust 43 dislikes, talking about 119 divorce and children 158 and cohabitation 172 and conflict 196 dating after 94–5 and response types 184–5 dominance 127 door etiquette 105 dopamine 148, 149, 154, 155, 219 drama triangle 151 Duchenne, Guillaume 115 dynamic attractiveness 45

E earnings, disparity in 204–5 Eastwick, Paul 87 Ekman, Paul 43, 113 embarrassment 116–17, 135 emotional intelligence 120, 122–3 emotions accepting painful 55 child’s baseline emotional state 17 emotional availability 23 reading 42, 43 empathy 29, 106, 107, 189 empty love 27 endorphins 103, 155 energy, styles of 36–7 engagements 180–1 equality 204–5 evolution 12, 13, 14 ex partners and children 160 continued feelings for 27, 95 friendship with 163 excitement 130–1, 149, 150–1 exclusivity 132–3, 166 exercise, and handling stress 103 expectations adjusting 41 challenging your 32 of Internet dating 76–7 of life 16, 17 of love 131 proposals 180 reasonable 98 romantic 22–3 extroversion 126 extroverts 36–7, 86, 163, 165 eyes attraction of 45 eye contact 107, 113, 174

F faces appeal of speciﬁc types 42–4 facial expressions 43, 107 microexpressions 113 reading emotions in 43 see also halo effect familiar look 42, 44 family honest feedback from 40–1 meeting each other’s 162–3 ready-made 160–1 support from 38 fantasy 27 fatuous love 27 favors 167 fear 43, 151 Feld, Scott 91

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222

INDEX

fidgeting 114 Finkel, Eli 78, 84, 87, 192 Fisher, Helen 152, 155 Fisman, Raymond 75 flattery 67 fluid intelligence 103 Foote, William E. 71 Forer, Bertram R./Forer effect 52–3, 101 fortune-telling 52 Fraser, S.C. 167 Fredrickson, Barbara 39 Freedman, J.L. 167 freedom, fear of losing 30 friends after divorce 94 honest feedback from 40–1 informing about meetings 89 meeting each other’s 162–3 meeting through 90–3, 132 romantic feelings for 68–9 support from 38–9, 141 Frisch, Michael 61 fusiform gyrus 45

G Gadoua, Susan Pease 95 Ganong, Larry 161 Gardner, Howard 123 gender stereotypes 21 genetic health 43 Gerety, Frances 181 gestures 113 gift giving 136–7, 157 Gilovich, Thomas 117 glasses 101 Glynn, Laura 211 Goldin, Claudia 205 Goldman, Brian 55 Goleman, Daniel 123 Gonzallez, Camille 175 Goodman-Delahunty, Jane 71 Gottman, John 176, 184–5, 187, 196, 197 Gottman, Julie Schwartz 196 gratitude 35 Gray, John 21 Greenberg, Melanie 46 Griskevicius, Vladas 170

H habits, off-putting 40, 41 hair color 45 style 40, 45 Hall, Edward T. 115 halo effect 42, 44, 67, 81 hand gestures 115 happiness and children 206 exercises in 186–7

happiness pie 61 predictors of 35 reading emotion of 43 Hartshorne, Geraldine 208 Hatﬁeld, Elaine 150 Hazan, Cindy 17 health genetic 43 and marriage 218 Hendrix, Harville 28 Heyman, James 137 Hicks, Angela 203 Hicks, Joshua A. 55 Hoffman, Susan 206 hormones 43, 154–5 in pregnancy 210 and sexual intimacy 146 see also pheromones horoscopes 52–3 Horowitz, Leonard 22 housework 204, 205 Hughes, Susan 73 Hume, David 43 humor arguments and types of 201 sense of 50–1, 117 hypervigilance 18, 20 hypothalamus 155

I Iacoboni, Marco 14 idealization 175 identity accepting 32, 188 after divorce 95 bedrock of 60 fear of losing 30, 171 maintaining own 143 questioning 32 within couples 194–5 see also self-image imagination, dissociative 83 Imago theory 28 immune systems, nonidentical 49 indebtedness 137 independence, fear of losing 30–1 infatuation 27 infertility 209 inﬂuence, of friends and family 163 insecurities, addressing old 29 insomnia 202, 203 instincts, trusting 89 intelligence emotional 120, 122 types of 123 interactions, positive/negative 184–5 interdependence 30 interests, shared 126 intergenerational relationships 128–9 Internet dating 76–87, 132 meeting 86–7

picking a site 80–1 safety 81 signing up 78–9 starting a conversation 82–3 interpersonal skills 122, 123 intimacy 27 breakdown of 185 disparagement of 125 emotional 19, 21, 22, 23 pace of 140–1 physical closeness 187, 211 see also sexual intimacy introjection, solipsistic 83 introversion 109 introverts 36–7, 165 invisibility 83 IVF 209 Iyengar, Sheena 74–5

J, K Jamieson, Lynn 214 Jensen, Kaja 104 jokes 50, 51, 201 Jones, Graham 76–7 Jung, Carl 36 Karpman, Stephen/Karpman drama triangle 198–9 keeping in touch 175 Kernis, Michael 55 kindness 186 King, Laura A. 55 Kirschner, Diana 95 Kross, Ethan 148 Kuchenbecker, Shari 189

L labeling 150–1 laughter 50, 57, 117, 201 Lee, Ju-yeon 175 legs, twitchy 114 Letherby, Gayle 209 Levant, Ronald 206 Levenson, Robert 184 Li, Norman 170 liars, spotting 113 life child’s expectations of 16, 17 managing 37 liking 27 and one-sided romantic feelings 68 limbal ring 45 Lisak, David 93 listening skills 106–7, 109, 110, 127 living together 172–3 long distance relationships 174–5 love afﬁrmations of 199 chemistry of 154–5 evolution of 13

INDEX falling in love 133, 146, 150 feeling worthy of 188 keeping the spark 218–19 and marriage 13 micromoments of 39 as reward 12 susceptibility to 26–7 talking about 170–1 triangular theory of 27 two-factor theory of 150–1 worthiness of 23 love signals, ﬁve stages of 113 lovemaking stage 113 loving-kindness meditation 39, 56, 187 Lowell, Jennifer 205 loyalties, divided 161 lust 154–5

M Ma, Debbie 181 Mackey, Richard A. 201 McRaney, David 151 makeup 101 manners 105, 109 Markey, Patrick and Charlotte 127 Marlowe, Christopher 66 marriage and children 206 and cohabitation 173 earliest contracts 13 and friendship 187 and health 218 and Internet dating 77 and love 13 proposals 180–1 talking about 173, 178–9 matchmakers 78. 90, 92–3 Mayer, John 123 Meaney, Michael 30 meditation 39, 56, 63, 109, 187 meeting people at work 70–1 chance encounters 66–7 getting out there 60–1 Internet dating 76–87 personal ads 72–3 safety 89 sending out the right signals 62–3 speed dating 74–5 through friends 90–3 Meinecke, Christine 206 men and chance encounters 67 Internet dating 77 opening doors 105 and pregnancy 210–11 speed dating 75 mental illness, talking about 134–5 mental maps 22–3 mentoring 40 Michelangelo effect 192–3

microexpressions 113 Miller, Paul M. 93 mindfulness 54–5, 56, 63, 187 mirror, kindness in the 57 mirror neurons 106 mirroring 29 misogyny 71 model of self/other 22–3 monogamous bonds 13 moods mood swings 157, 210 recognizing 43 Mowrer, Orval Hobart 120 Mraz, Jason 195 multiple dating 132–3 multiple intelligences 123 museums and galleries 105 music, on dates 104, 105 musk 49 mutual appreciation 35 Myers, Isabel Briggs 36, 37 Myers-Briggs psychometric tests 36–7

N, O Neff, Kristin 54 negative thoughts 24, 35, 109 neglect, perceived 200–1 nerves, handling 102–3 neuromodulators 13 neuroticism 126 neutral statements 52, 53 Newman, Paul 45 non-verbal communications 112–15 Noonan, Mary Ann 91 norepinephrine 154, 155 nurture 12 obsession 68, 69, 148–9 oestrogen 154, 155, 210 O’Leary, Daniel 219 olfactory bulb 155 open marriages 13 opening comments 67 openness to experience 126 optimism 32, 35 others models of 22–3, 26 thinking of 35 outdoors, ﬁrst dates 104 ovulation cycles 208, 209 oxytocin 107, 146, 148, 149, 154, 155

P pain, perception of 149 parenthood 12, 13, 16, 30 clashing ideas on 159 and date nights 214–15 sharing 212–13 style of 17 parties 90, 91

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partners, choice of type 42–3 passion 27 past discussing your 135 unresolved issues from 41 Perel, Esther 217 perfume 48, 49, 101 Perry, Bruce 12 personal ads 72–3, 88 personal comments 119 personal grooming 40, 49, 101 personal space 40, 107, 115 personality associated with appearance 42–5 big ﬁve dimensions of 126–7 pheromones 48–9, 101, 155 photographs, online dating 79, 80–1 pictures, embarrassing 135 Pistole, Carole 175 pituitary gland 155 platonic relationships 38–9 positive psychology 34–5, 102 possessiveness 156 posture 40, 103, 112, 113, 114 Prays, Judith 49 pregenual anterior cingulate cortex (PACC) 116 pregnancy and commitment 170 sexual intimacy during 210–11 tricking partner into parenthood 158 trying for a baby 208–9 problems, nipping in the bud 144–5 proﬁles, online dating 78–9 proposals, marriage 180–1 prospects, juggling dating 132–3 protest behavior 18 pursuit-withdrawal dynamic 68

Q, R qualities 41, 60, 75 in common 126–7 quality time 165 quarrels 144–5, 196–205 Rad, Roya R. 34 rape 93 Raybeck, Douglas 72 reassurance 31 and conﬂict 196, 197 need for 148, 149 reciprocity 137 reconciliation, after abuse 157 rejection pain of 148, 149 silence as 177 relationships abusive 156–7 becoming a couple 166–7 boundaries in 142–3

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INDEX

relationships contd. children as an issue in 158–9 clashing expectations 20–1 dealing with problems 144–5 ﬁnishing cleanly 176–7 living together 172–3 long distance 174–5 pace of 140–1 repeating patterns 28–9, 41, 130, 140 roles in 167 sustaining 12, 218–9 time together 164–5 under stress 18 see also couples religion 38, 178 repeating patterns 28–9, 41 resilience 35 respect and boundaries 142, 143, 157, 171 and happy marriage 185, 187 response looking for 113 types of 184–5 restaurants, choice of 104 restraining orders 89 Riggio, Ronald E. 45 rings, wedding 181 role-play 151 romantic ideals 125 romantic love 27, 152, 155, 218–9 Rosenfeld, Michael J. 90 Rosenthal, Richard 45

S sadness 43 safe havens 30–1, 38, 130, 176, 212 safety ﬁrst dates 88–9, 93 Internet dating 81, 86, 87, 88–9 see also abuse Salovey, Peter 123 Savage, Dan 129 scams, online dating 81 scents, effect of 48, 49, 155 Schlegel, Rebecca J. 55 Schneller, Debora 94, 95 Scott, Kate 218 secrets 134–5, 141 secure attachment style 16–21, 23, 26, 67, 124, 147, 149, 163 selective instigation 192 selective reinforcement 192, 193 selective thinking 32, 33, 53 self, models of 22–3, 26 self-acceptance 117 self-afﬁrmation 23, 33, 34–5, 108 self-compassion 23, 54, 56–7, 94, 95, 117, 143 self-concept, authentic 55 self-development 28 self-disclosure 175, 188–9, 203 self-esteem 55, 205

self-fulfilling prophecies 32–3 self-image 32–3, 53, 192 self-soothing 102–3, 109, 114, 148–9 self-verification 32–3, 98, 185 Seligman, Martin 35 sensory perception sensitivity 108 sensuous walking meditation 63 separateness 168 separation from parent/caregivers 16, 38 from partner 19 serial daters, spotting 124–5 serotonin 154, 155, 219 sexual harassment, at work 71 sexual intimacy 146–7 abusive 157 arousal 151 as parents 216–17 during pregnancy 210–11 role-play 151 safe sex 89 and talk of love 170 and trying for a baby 208–9 shame 117, 188 Sharma, Bharti 94 Shaver, Philip 17 shaving 101 shyness coping with 108–9 and Internet dating 76 signals, sending out the right 62–3 single-parent families 134, 159 sleep, quality of 202–3 sleepovers 167, 172, 173 smell 48–9, 155 smiling 103, 113, 115 social networks 162–3, 211 social norms 137, 206–7 social pricing 95 spark keeping the 218–19 looking for the 130, 131, 150–1 speed dating 74–5, 88, 130 spotlight effect 117 status couple 167 within relationship 205 stepfamilies 160–1 stereotypes gender 21 getting stuck in 194–5 Sternberg, Robert 27 stonewalling 197 “Strange Situation” test 16 strangers, connection with 39 stress, first dates 102, 103, 104–5 “strokes” 199 subconscious reactions 42 Suler, John 82–3 support from partner 31 networks 38–9, 176, 211 surprise 43

survival mechanisms 30, 38 Swami, Viren 45 Swann, William 32, 95 symmetry, facial 43, 44

T, U Taylor, Dalmas 175 teenagers 160 telephone calls, and assessing new date 118 temperaments 126–7 Tench, Elizabeth 209 testosterone 154, 155 thin slicing 45 threat, perceived 200–1 Tiegerman, Jeremy 200 time together, how much 164–5 Toma, Catalina 77 touching phase 113 trust 46, 95, 188–9 two-timers 89 unrequited love 68

V vagus nerve 39 Valentine’s Day 137 validation 29 subjective 53 values for children 159, 212 and humor 50, 51 and Internet dating 79 life 60, 61 Van Edwards, Vanessa 115 vasopressin 146, 154, 155 venues, ﬁrst date 104–5 violence 156, 157 voice messages, personal ads 73 Voltaire 214–15 vulnerability 175, 188–9

W Walker, Leonore 157 warmth, levels of 127 Webb, Amy 79 weddings, planning 181 Weiner-Davis, Michele 216–17 Wilkinson, Ross B. 38 Wiseman, John 130 women cycle of female desire 217 Internet dating 77 physical safety 67 work dating at 70–1, 132 pressures of 204–5 worries, discussing 119 wounds, healing old 28–9