Issue 117 Autumn 2014 Special Editorial We’re back! It’s been such a long time and we’ve missed you all terribly. So much so that we’ve teamed up with the good people at You & Co, the children and young people’s part of Victim Support, to bring you this special one-off issue of Exposure magazine. Every year You & Co support thousands of young people affected by crime. We know how difficult it is for young people to speak out and get support. Included in these pages are the stories of people who have experienced crime, the impact it had on them and what they did about it. Every young person’s experience is different but You & Co can help you no matter what.
www.exposure.org.uk You & Co can be the first point of call if you feel a crime has affected you. They’re not connected to the Police and what you say will be treated in confidence unless someone’s safety is at risk. Meanwhile, back at Exposure Towers we’ve been beavering away building a new website. So while you’ll see our print magazine less often, you can always get your fix of youth news, views and reviews at www.exposure.org.uk. ‘Remember, the burden of sorrow is doubled when it is borne alone’ - Goran Persson, Politician
Exposure is a registered trademark of Exposure Organisation Limited, registered in England no. 03455480, registered charity no. 1073922. The views expressed by young people in Exposure do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher or its funders. (c) 2014. All rights reserved. ISSN 1362-8585
With growing university fees, it’s more important than ever, if you’re considering a creative or media career, to weigh up your options carefully before embarking on a degree that may result in great debt, rather than great work afterwards. Gain confidence, skills, know-how, contacts and experience to succeed in the media, visual arts, film and web-based industries. Exposure, in partnership with Collage Arts, is offering paid Creative Apprenticeships to teenagers who’ve completed their full Youth Media Award with us.
More details call 020 8883 0260 or email info@exposure.org.uk Exposure is a registered trademark of Exposure Organisation Limited, registered in England no. 03455480, registered charity no. 1073922. The views expressed by young people in Exposure do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher or its funders. (c) 2014. All rights reserved. ISSN 1362-8585
Hornsey Parochial
You & Co say:
Beating Bullies Jack’s story
There was a boy at school. He would bully people and make them give him money. Everyone knew him because his older brother had a reputation. I always did my best to stay out of his way, but then one day our paths crossed. He tried to get money out of my pocket and when I held his arm to stop him he punched me. I had a bad black eye. I told my family that someone had opened a door in class and it had hit me in the face.
Jack suffered on his own for a long time. You & Co helps many young people who have been bullied. We will help you deal with what is happening in a way that suits you. We will help you decide if you want to report it, and give you information about what to expect if you do. If you want us to, we can also speak with your teachers, go to school meetings with you and help you plan to keep safe.
“The following day he paraded my swollen eye to his friends like a trophy” The following day he paraded my swollen eye to his friends like a trophy. I was humiliated, but I felt like there was nothing I could do. I felt like, if I told anyone, things would have been worse. In my school, if you stand up to bullies you get ten times back what you give out. Every day that followed I tried to avoid him. Some days were ok, as it is a big school, but I was constantly aware that he might be around every corner, and sometimes he was. I found it difficult to concentrate in class. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t make it stop. It became a normal thing in the end, and while ‘afraid’ wasn’t the way to describe it, I was constantly anxious. I knew things weren’t right, but it was just how it was. I wouldn’t call myself a snitch, but some people might. I came home one day and my mum noticed that I was particularly low. She asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold back any more and told her everything. She pulled me out of school and informed the head teacher. I wasn’t aware, but this wasn’t the first complaint they had received about this pupil. They expelled him. No one ever found out that it was my story that stopped him from doing what he was doing. I like to think I’ve helped other people, but really I’m not brave because I should have said something long before.
You & Co say:
A Family Torn Cyrena’s story
I came into contact with You & Co because my brother was killed two years ago. In January 2012 my twin brothers were out celebrating their birthday in a bar. A fight started outside, and someone was stabbed. CCTV footage played later in court showed my brother – who was standing around
Cyrena and her family’s lives were shattered when her brother was murdered. You & Co supported Cyrena in many ways, including helping her work out how she was going to stay living in her community. In addition to offering daily support throughout the trial, You & Co gave her a chance to visit court beforehand. We offer this support to every young witness or family member of a witness. He was caught a week later. The police knew who he was, but he had gone into hiding. By March they had arrested the others under the Joint Enterprise ruling, which meant that all six would be charged with the same murder. The police had evidence to suggest they knew who pulled the trigger – and there was talk
“He was found guilty of murder after a three- month court case. He is serving 31-year sentence” waiting for his twin to come out – being approached and punched by a man. My brother didn’t even know this guy. My brother got up, and there was a loud bang at the same time. A gun had been dropped and went off. Naturally, everyone started running. My brother fled too. It was then clear from the CCTV footage that the guy with the gun, and the one who had punched my brother, were with another four people. All six gave chase as my brother fled into a residential area. The rest hadn’t been recorded. The six guys managed to corner my brother and the one with the gun shot him once. My brother fell to the ground, and turned and gasped for air. He was then shot another two times and he died. His best friend was with him. She tried in vain to keep him alive. Most of the other guys were shocked. But the murderer was very calm. He was seen to be gloating at the time.
going around the streets – but no one actually came forward to make a confession. Eventually, after a three-month court case, my brother’s killer was found guilty. He is serving a 31-year sentence. The other five were found not guilty of murder. While three months may seem like a long time to spend in court, it’s quite short for a murder trial. That said it was very difficult for my family. You & Co contacted us about a week after my brother was killed. They let us know that they didn’t want to impose but that they were there if we needed support. We had one lady liaising with us, and she was able to come to our house to explain things. She was invaluable through the court process. She helped a lot, and made us all feel comfortable at a really confusing and difficult time. I’m now a volunteer for You & Co, because of the impact the service had on me. Some young people don’t use You & Co because they think the service will judge them. Many seem to worry that we’re connected to the Police in some way. That’s not true. You & Co is independent; other than making people aware of our service the Police have no say at all in our work. The things you say to You & Co are confidential and the Police will not be told anything unless your safety or the safety of another is at risk. Anyone can get support from us, no matter what you’ve done or what has happened.
You & Co says:
Losing Control Sarah’s Story
If you are in a relationship like Sarah’s, You & Co can help. We will never tell you what to do, but we can help you decide what you want. Whatever you decide, we can give you practical support to keep safe. We can help you work out who else you want to tell, so that you have other people there to support you as well. You & Co understands how people come to be in relationships like Sarah’s. We will not judge you.
Even at first, there were little things that didn’t seem right. I noticed he didn’t like me talking to other guys and he fell out with people very easily. He would defend me aggressively and was paranoid that people were out to get us. But I felt protected, and he blamed it on stress and alcohol. He drank a lot.
He once threw my things outside when it was raining, locked me in his room and lied to me that someone had stolen them. He tried to convince me I was going crazy.
He would choose what we did in our free time, like what films we saw. He isolated me from my family and friends and checked up on me during the day. He would demand my phone to check my texts and go through my Internet history. He would impose curfews when I went out.
I didn’t feel I could call the Police. Sometimes, after he’d been aggressive, he would call them claiming that I was the abuser. He would calm down by the time they arrived, but I was so distressed it was easy for him to say that I was unstable. Afterwards he would go silent for days to punish me.
He started to control what I looked like, such as not painting my nails. He didn’t like me having second portions because he wanted to keep me thin. He belittled my achievements. He controlled the jobs I worked, the
You’re probably asking why I didn’t just leave. When it’s in black and white like this it’s difficult to see why I didn’t escape. But living through it is different. I wanted to get away but felt dependant on him.
“I would have to give him money and sometimes pay his rent. He decided who I could tell about our relationship” income I had, and the area I lived in. I would have to give him money and sometimes pay his rent. He decided who I could tell about our relationship. Something minor, which he didn’t like, would trigger him to be verbally abusive. At first he was apologetic, then he started to deny the abuse or to blame me. I was afraid to have an opinion on anything. He would bring up rape and murder all the time and sexual affection was only on his terms. The occasions when he became physical didn’t seem too serious at the time, such as pushing and shoving, or standing so close to me that I felt intimidated and afraid. But I was constantly on edge, even on the days when he was calm and things were going ok. I just hoped that one day he would change. I tried different tactics to keep the peace. I didn’t have any self-confidence left. I couldn’t be myself around him and had to change who I was.
I was scared of what he would do if I left. Because he would twist things to the extreme, I didn’t know what reality was anymore. I didn’t know how to explain what was happening because there were no physical marks – but what I went through was just as damaging, and almost impossible to describe. I was nervous when I first came to You & Co, but they listened, without judging me or telling me what to do. Through talking, they guided me to understand that what he was doing was wrong. They gave me practical support about how to improve my situation. I was never forced to do anything I was uncomfortable with. When we separated, things did get worse at first, but You & Co helped me to get where I am now, where I’m happy and my life is my own. I’m sharing my story with you because if it sounds familiar, I want you to know that giving You & Co a call isn’t as scary as it sounds.
Final Fight Paul’s Story
Growing up I was like any other boy that came from a rough area. I had a few scrapes here and there, and I learned to watch my back. I could generally tell if there was a situation brewing and I could keep myself out of harm’s way by talking rather than throwing my fists. The few times I got into physical fights I either came out on top or wasn’t beaten up too badly, so there was never much to worry about.
that I’d seen this sort of thing a million times before and wasn’t keen on seeing someone else have his nose broken, I just went on my way. Next thing I remember was being on the floor, with a bloke on me reigning down punches, most of which were landing on my head and face. I must have been knocked unconscious because the next thing I remember is staggering back home
“I never spoke to the Police – I wasn’t brought up in a place where speaking to them is an acceptable thing” Then one night I went out with a few mates to a nightclub we’d been to loads of times before. We had a good time and were there until it closed. But, as we were leaving, something happened. I can’t really remember what the cause of it was, but a fight broke out. At first I wasn’t aware that my friends were involved. Given
with one of my mates supporting me. We went our separate ways after I assured him that I’d be ok. I managed to get home. I lay on my bed in the dark for hours. I cried. Then I was silent. Then I cried. I was in a bad state, emotionally
You & Co say:
and physically. I was confused as to why I was feeling that way. Violence had never bothered me before. My head was throbbing and in the morning I knew I had to go to the hospital. I told them I’d been mugged and didn’t remember what happened. The damage wasn’t as bad as my face looked and I was discharged the same day with some painkillers. I never spoke to the Police – I wasn’t brought up to think that was an acceptable thing to do. For the next month or so I was ok, but I noticed that I was often feeling anxious. Increasingly, I struggled with my job, or just with concentrating on anything really. I also found myself making excuses not to go out with my mates. I would choose to stay in and play computer games or watch films rather than go out down the pub with them. At the time I convinced myself this was normal and
Paul tried to forget what happened but he couldn’t. He felt ashamed that he had been so badly affected. He didn’t want to tell anyone. If you have been through something like Paul, You & Co can help. We listen to how you are feeling and work together with you, in your own time. We will find ways to help you feel safer and deal with any worries or stress you might have. that I was bored of that kind of life. But looking back it’s easy to see now that I was terrified of something happening to me. With my friends and my upbringing, it’s not ok to be afraid. It’s certainly not ok to talk about your problems. I spent a long time trying to deal with what I was feeling. The anxiety turned to full blown panic attacks. It became clear that even though I could never imagine seeing a counsellor that’s exactly what I needed. Eventually, I did get support, but it took me years to get back on track. If I’m honest, I’m a different person altogether now. Probably a happier one. I hadn’t heard of You & Co before writing this, but it sounds like it would have been exactly what I needed.
Attacked Gita’s Story
I was a fresher at university. I went out with my friends and got quite drunk. We met new people – as you do on a night out in London. We moved from one place to the next for hours until suddenly it dawned on me that all my friends had gone. I didn’t have any money to get home. I made friends with these two French guys. I’m French as well so there was that connection. And they both
I went to a rape crisis centre the following day, and they were great. But I was still in denial, like I was ok; ‘everything is fine’ kind of way. They examined me, took a statement and created a file. I never went to the Police. A month or so later I went to see a counsellor but after two sessions I decided I was fine. Months passed and I began to have panic attacks and became depressed. I went back to university but in the first term I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. I was sleeping all the time. It was a very numb feeling. I didn’t really care about anything.
“They examined me, took a statement and created a file. I never went to the Police.” seemed really cool and were around my age. I told them I didn’t have any money, and asked whether they could lend me enough to get home or if I could stay at one of their places. One of them was like ‘yeah it’s fine, I’m getting a cab home anyway.’ He said that I could stay on his sofa, that it wasn’t a problem. I got back to his place and there wasn’t a sofa. I was raped repeatedly over the course of the night. You never think you’re going to be a victim of something like that. And when it’s happening your mind does strange things. I remember rationalising it all thinking, maybe I led him on; maybe he thought I was interested… Obviously, that wasn’t true. I was really confused, which is common with sexual assault.
You & Co say:
Gita felt confused and numb after her attack. We are here to listen and work together with you to find ways to help you feel safe, this is called ‘safety planning’. By helping young people decide on practical things they can do, and find coping strategies to help manage worries and anxieties, young people do move forward with their lives after these experiences.
Eventually, I figured out there was something wrong with me. I went to my counsellor at university, which was really good for me. It helped me deal with what happened and I felt much better. I didn’t access You & Co at the time, but I volunteer for the service now. I’ve seen first hand how beneficial it can be. I’m always impressed by the positive impact we do have. Even though You & Co is not professional counselling it’s a really valuable service. As a victim, it can be difficult to talk to family and friends about how vulnerable you’re feeling. They may not be able to appreciate or cope with what you’ve been through; too close to you to be objective. So it’s important that there’s somewhere you can go to speak to people who won’t judge or laugh or feel awkward; or not know what to say. You & Co is available to everyone and there is no time limit. Some people come to us months or even years after the event.
To protect the people wh o wrote these articles da tes, times, names, along details, have been chang with some ed. Any details that may sou nd familiar are purely coi *All details in Cyrena’s art ncidental. icle on page four remain unchanged.
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Call You & Co/ Victim Support Haringey & ask to speak to the Young Person’s Worker
020 7336 1777
Or if you’re over 18 call our supportline
0845 30 30 900