Exposure 121 Domestic Abuse

What’s going on...

...behind closed doors?

Issue 121 Spring 2016 special

Editorial Asking people to define ‘domestic abuse’ feels a bit like asking what ‘love’ is. Everyone knows the answer, but no two answers are the same.

It’s almost impossible to find words that cover every possible physical, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or other type of mistreatment between people who are close to each other.

It makes for an interesting discussion – but in practical terms, it’s a nightmare. How do you police something if you can’t even explain it? There are plenty of statistics about domestic violence but these have to be taken with a pinch of salt due to the hidden nature of the offences.

It’s difficult to make an informed guess about how many people are mistreated in other, less visible ways, behind closed doors.

An estimated one in five people experience some form of domestic abuse in childhood and 40% of young people suffer mistreatment in their relationships before the end of adolescence.

How can we get young people understanding their rights before it’s too late? This magazine aims to raise awareness of the subject by publishing the reflections and experiences of young people from across Barnet. Inside these pages they discuss relationships gone wrong, what makes a healthy relationship and where to get help if you’re not being treated how you should be. Also in this campaign, our short film ‘Behind Closed Doors’ available on the Exposure website soon.

www.exposure.org.uk Exposure is an award winning youth communications enterprise. If you are considering a creative or media based career then get involved. Gain confidence, skills, know-how, contacts and experience to succeed in the media, visual arts, film and web-based industries.

Complete the Exposure media award, and start your career with us now.

More details call 020 8883 0260 or email info@exposure.org.uk Exposure is a registered trademark of Exposure Organisation Limited, registered in England no. 03455480, registered charity no. 1073922. The views expressed by young people in Exposure do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher or its funders. (c) 2016. All rights reserved. ISSN 1362-8585

Contributors

Louisa Stratton

Josh Darwish

Liberty Morrison

Will Wingrave

Rico Joannou

Hannah Hutchings

Ethan Ackley Jessica Aldridge Thirza Alcaraz Stapleton Luke Zavrou Blackstock Rio Chinwada-Onanuga Emiel Durbal Emma Green Yasmin Ibrahim

Daniella Walters

Edie Ireton Gavin Jenkins Charlie Mardon Ibrahim Mehmet Greta Neli Rron Rakovik Marisa Sabourin Julia Shungu

Special thanks to Barnet Council for providing the grant to make this project possible. Thank you to students from East Barnet School, Barnet College, Woodhouse College, Christ’s College and Solace Womens’ Aid. Thanks also to the models and actors who volunteered for the photography featured in this magazine.

Max Ndambi

Georgia Stainton Daniel Thornton Emilio Tryfono Ryan Turton Corey Tucker Jamie Wallace Josh Watkins Kathleen Williams

Abuse by gaslight* Jessica Aldridge looks back at her childhood It’s difficult to know when I first realised my family dynamic wasn’t healthy or to see how far removed it was from ‘normal’. I began to notice how different the family lives of my school friends were from my own lonely, confusing home life.

I’m naturally introverted and would draw, read for hours and think up imaginary worlds to live in; I realise now that it was an escape from the isolation I felt.

My parents split up when I was only four; their divorce was prolonged and hostile.

I remember them arguing continually, forcing me to pick sides. My most vivid memory is of standing in the street while my mother screamed at my dad, threatening to call social services, as the neighbours looked on.

When I was nine, my father began a relationship with ‘Rosemary’ who had three boys. She soon

really racist views. I had friends from very diverse backgrounds and I feared her being rude about their skin colour or religion.

Things came to a head the summer after I did my GCSEs. My dad and Rosemary argued a lot. The atmosphere was so tense that I tried to stay out of everyone’s way and became more isolated than ever. It always seemed to be my fault when there were any arguments in the family.

At 16, as I entered Year 12, I was told I would not be allowed back to my stepmother’s house. Rosemary had given my father an ultimatum and he chose her – I’ve not been back since. Later, he blamed me for not getting on with her and being “against her from the start”.

I don’t have children of my own but can’t imagine ever choosing my partner over my child or forcing my partner to make such a horrible choice.

Children should come first and a reasonable adult ought to put their own needs second.

My difficult upbringing has affected my ability to trust people. I’ve always found it hard to sustain friendships because I worry about being trapped

I was told I would not be allowed back to my stepmother’s house became my stepmother. I stayed with them from Saturday to Tuesday every week, but the visits were tough, as I never felt welcome there.

I wasn’t allowed out or to have friends over. To be honest, I was too embarrassed to show people how I lived. Rosemary was very old-fashioned with

in a relationship with no control. I suffer from low self-esteem and feel very anxious in new situations or crowded places. I’ve also had complex mental health problems, from anxiety, depression and self-harm to eating disorders and stressrelated hearing impairment.

*‘Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or selectively omitted to favour the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception and sanity’.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary A recent NSPCC report about neglect or emotional abuse in teenagers, shows that young people like me have high levels of stress relating to school, work, health and finance. They are withdrawn and exhibit feelings of anger, anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress.

Abuse is not always physical; name-calling, mocking, lying, jealousy, gaslighting*, stealing, threatening or harassing your partner or child are all forms of abuse.

I’m sure there are many who had worse childhoods than I did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be upset or hurt by my experiences.

I was made to feel that it was me making all the mistakes in my relationships and that I brought the abuse on myself.

So much more could be done to educate young people about healthy relationships. Parents need to understand that forcing a child to pick sides will only hurt and damage them. It’s never fair to lay blame on a child, who has no autonomy or authority.

Light at the end of th Based on a true story from a women’s welfare charity, adapted by Louisa Stratton It was everywhere when I was little; my parents called it ‘innocence’. It followed me around like an imaginary friend. It came to school with me, ate next to me at the family table and stayed with me loyally until I was 15. But then ‘shadow’ came and slowly took the place of innocence. I guess it was kind of scary, but that just made it exciting.

That shadow got everywhere; it was called George.

He followed me everywhere and, like an imaginary friend, my parents never saw him. But this time he was real, I swear he was. I knew because when I cooked for him, behind my mum’s back, the food got eaten. When I took money from her purse and gave it to him, it disappeared.

When he hurt me, I bruised, though I kept it hidden.

When he called me a slut, I felt the tears on my face, even though I never let anyone else see them.

The first time he hit me I looked right at his face.

I knew I wasn’t imagining things; I saw love in those eyes He lived in a squat, doing odd construction jobs and drug deals. Who was I to judge? He was only 18 and all on his own. I had to help him; he was my George after all. Sometimes he smiled. Sometimes he didn’t. But it was worth it when he did.

The first time he hit me I looked right at his face. I knew I wasn’t imagining things; I saw love in those eyes. He only did it because he was jealous. That’s why he punched me, kicked me, slept with those girls, and accused me of sleeping with men I’d never been near. That’s why he said my friends and family hated me.

I knew deep down it wasn’t my fault – well, most of me did, anyway. But a little part of me said if I told someone, they would judge me. They wouldn’t understand.

He planted a light inside me, but it never got to shine in the world outside. I called it our baby, but he used it as his punching bag.

The light was still shining when he broke my collarbone and my parents took me to hospital the first time; but the light was gone the second time, when I was so broken from his beating I could

he tunnel

barely move. My parents held my hand when the light rose up to the sky to be with the angels.

The shadow had engulfed me. So when another light began to glow inside me I couldn’t tell anyone.

I didn’t tell George or my family. I just wanted to snuff it out in peace. So I did.

My memories after that are a bit hazy. With guilt; without guilt. With George; without George.

He called my phone ten times an hour. He stood outside my house day and night. I was so scared when I saw him staring up at my window, but I missed him when he wasn’t there.

I had to break away from him forever. I asked for help and my family and friends stood with me. They stood in front of me to shield me from the shadow. They stood behind me to push me towards the light. They stayed with me.

When I was 20 I heard that George had been arrested, still selling drugs and abusing women. I wondered if I had ever helped him at all. I couldn’t even imagine that life anymore. I was at university now; a new life far away from the shadow.

There is light in front of me now. It’s still far away, but I know one day I will be able to hold it and feel its warmth.

And the light will grow...

A thin line between

Liberty Morrison explores what makes a healthy relationship I’ve just turned 18, which could mean I’m ready to enter the dating scene. I’d like to have a healthy, loving relationship so I wanted to find out what that actually means. Luckily, I’ve never experienced an abusive relationship myself, so I got together with a

term. It suggests that one or both partners are ashamed of the other. Being proud of your partner and openly expressing your affection for one another is essential.

You or your partner may feel the need to keep your relationship a secret from one or both of your families due to cultural, ethnic or religious prejudices or because of a troubled home life.

It shouldn’t be assumed that there’s something wrong if you’re not asked to meet your partner’s family – though you deserve to understand the

It’s essential that both parties agree to any intimate acts – anything outside of this can be construed as sexual assault or rape! group of ten other young people at Barnet College, to explore what we believed were the ingredients of a healthy relationship.

We agreed on the following: honesty, trust, communication and respect.

‘Secret relationships’ might sound quite romantic and exciting – “two of us against the world” – but any level of deceit could prove harmful in the long

reasons for this and, ideally, meet the people your partner does love and trust.

The benefits of your family and/or friends meeting your partner are that they can give you a second opinion and be supportive about the relationship.

It could also prove to be very useful in flagging up warning signs of any potential abuse.

One of these warning signs could be excessive

love & hate

jealousy. Jealousy is unhealthy when it becomes destructive; hiddenhurt.co.uk is a website with information about domestic abuse and includes victim’s stories. One story illustrates how a young man became increasingly controlling and jealous of his girlfriend, refusing to allow her out of the house or to talk to any other man….

Such behaviour is often down to feelings of insecurity and issues of trust, abandonment or infidelity. It’s healthy to try and overcome this problem by talking openly about it. For instance, your partner might not feel comfortable with you speaking to your ex but may be put at ease with genuine reassurance.

Another issue is consent; with the increasing number of reported rape cases, you may hear this term a lot. It’s more than just saying ’yes’ or ‘no’ to sex; consent can be applied to other agreements, like whether the relationship is monogamous (one partner) or polygamous (more than one partner) or participating in different forms of sexual activity.

Firstly, it would be good to establish whether you are going to be an exclusive couple. It could be hurtful to involve another person in an intimate relationship, especially without mutual consent.

Also bear in mind that another person may have a completely different outlook of what a

relationship entails. Some could consider kissing another person unfaithful, yet others might be okay with the odd fling or ‘one-night stand’.

It’s essential that both parties agree to any intimate acts – anything outside of this can be construed as sexual assault or rape. Even consenting to one act does not open the gateway to others. In 2006, the British Crime Survey found that more than half of female victims had been raped by their current or ex-partner.

However, it is no longer just women or children who are victims of domestic abuse – an increasing number of men are speaking up about the poor treatment they encounter in their relationships.

UK Government statistics show that one in six men suffer from domestic violence at some stage.

I believe it’s important not to make any assumptions about your partner’s relationship philosophy. Clarifying at an early stage what both of you are okay with is crucial. A healthy relationship is all about compromise and if one partner is uncomfortable with certain behaviours, the other will have to learn to adapt.

Remember: communication and honesty are the keys to trust and respect.

How healthy is your Everyone Everyone needs needs aa regular regular health-check health-check and and so dosoour do relationships. our relationships.

Whether Whether you’re you’re thinking thinking about aabout parent, a parent, sibling,sibling, friend, friend, boyfriend boyfriend or girlfriend. or girlfriend, Students theatfollowing East questions Barnet School should askhelp the you following understand questions your to relationship help you understand better. your relationships.

How much time do you spend together?

Enough, but we still manage to do our own things.

Some, but it’s difficult to make plans as the other person isn’t very reliable.

Too much – it feels like I never get any time to myself.

It’s great to be close to someone else, but ensure your relationships don’t define who you are.

Do you know how they feel about you?

Yes, we are comfortable talking openly about our thoughts and feelings.

They say they love me, but it doesn’t always feel that way.

Their mood constantly changes - one minute they are very affectionate, the next they can’t bear the sight of me.

Things won’t always be perfect, but try to be honest and address any problems openly.

Do they listen to you?

Absolutely - I can talk to them about anything.

I guess - but I often seem to be in the wrong.

I’m too scared to say how I really feel – there’s always an argument if I say something they don’t agree with.

Relationships should be built on mutual respect.

Your feelings and opinions are all your own and these should be respected enough not to cause a problem.

How often do you argue?

Sometimes - we have our differences but we always try to reach a fair compromise and talk things through afterwards.

I usually just go along with them because it’s not worth the bother of arguing – they just sulk for days in an awful mood and I can’t bear it.

Constantly – I always seem to make them angry.

Arguments can be healthy but people can get upset. Harsh words in some circumstances can be forgiven but violence of any kind should not be tolerated.

relationship?

How much personal space do you have?

Plenty - neither of us has anything to hide, so we don’t need to hound each other.

Some - they always need to know what I’m up to but never tell me what they’re doing, like they’ve got something to hide.

Not enough - for my own safety, they like to keep track of my Facebook account, emails and messages and always want to know who I’m talking to or meeting up with.

A lack of mutual trust can be a serious issue. It’s okay to confide in other people, but you need to keep some things to yourself. Early signs that your partner is too controlling should not be ignored, as such behaviour usually gets worse.

Are you happy in your relationship?

Most of the time – I feel secure and content.

I don’t know – things are generally okay but could be better.

I never feel happy - there must be something wrong with me.

This is the most important question. Nobody’s happy all the time – but if your relationship is causing you long-term distress, you need to do something about it.

IfThese you find questions many of are your designed answers to help fall you into assess theyour red relationship. category, it’s If anyou indication find many that of your there answers are unhealthy fall into the aspects red category, to your relationship. it’s an indication that there are unhealthy aspects to your relationship.

Try the approaches suggested at the end of each Try the answer. approaches If yousuggested feel you need at the further end of help each or section. your relationship If you feel you develops need further into an abusive help or your one, relationship you should contact develops one into or more an abusive of theone, organisation you should listed contact on the oneback of or this moremagazine. of the organisation listed in this magazine.

Remember, you shouldn’t feel obliged to stay in any relationship because of threats or fear of loneliness. The success or failure of that relationship isn’t solely your responsibility. You don’t have to live in silent acceptance of a bad or unhealthy relationship.

Helplines & organisations 24-Hour Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 The Men’s Advice Line – mensadviceline.org.uk 0808 801 0327 Games and advice to help you think about relationships respectnotfear.co.uk If you are unsure about your relationship and want to talk, contact the young person’s advisor at Solace on 020 8733 4133 or 07507 151 634 solacewomensaid.org