M E N T A L
H E A L T H
M A G A Z I N E
African American
Men&Mental Health
COVID-19 MENTAL HEALTH THE WORLD WE ONCE KNEW
Defying the Verdict: Charita Brown”
Table of Contents
.04
A Letter From The Editor-In-Chief
.06
.10 .16 .20
Letter from M E N T A L H E A LT H M A G A Z I N E
Letter from the Editor
Dear readers,
This month’s issue of Exposure Mental Health Magazine is something that is close to our hearts. As COVID-19 takes us all places mentally we’ve never gone the challenges we face is to stay mentally healthy. We want you to enjoy every article we wrote. Who knows, you might be able to use some in the future. Every article is a product of hardwork and passion that our team
The Editor always brings out in every issue. Sincerely yours, APRIL GREEN
M E N T A L H E A LT H M A G A Z I N E
Defying the Verd Charita Brown” By April Green
Bipolar disorders are described by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as a group of brain disorders that cause extreme fluctuation in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function.. Bipolar disorder is a category that includes three different condition–bipolar I, bipolar II, and cyclothymic disorder. • Bipolar I disorder is a manic-depressive disorder that can exist both with and without psychotic episodes •Bipolar II disorder consists of depressive and manic episodes which alternate and are typically less severe and do not inhibit function • Cyclothymic disorder is a cyclic disorder that causes brief episodes of hypomania and depression
dict
M E N T A L H E A LT H M A G A Z I N E
Receiving a diagnosis of bipolar disorder can
AG: Tell our readers what inspired you to write the book, Defy-
stir many emotions to include denial, anger,
ing the Verdict: My Bipolar Life.
and sadness and many experience these emotions for years before finding peace and
CB: I have been living in bipolar disorder I recovery for more
accepting the diagnosis and receiving treat-
than twenty-five years. In 2009, I read an article by Bible
ment. Charita Cole Brown retired educator
teacher Joyce Meyer. She asserted that everyone has a one,
and current member of the National Alliance
a unique assignment that GOD has placed them on Earth to
on Mental Illness (NAMI) Maryland Board of
perform. Following her instructions, I prayed and meditat-
Directors who is also active in the local affil-
ed, asking the LORD to show me my one. My answer: Write a
iate, NAMI Metropolitan Baltimore was diag-
memoir. I pasted it on my vision board without taking action.
nosed with a severe form of bipolar disorder
In 2013, I began taking notes to stir my long buried memo-
while finishing her final semester as an Eng-
ries of my illness. By 2015, I had completed the first draft of
lish major at Wesleyan University.
the book. My story provides hope for those with mental health challenges and the people who love them by showing that
Doctors predicted she would never lead a
you can live well with a diagnosed mental Illness.
“normal” life. Despite that pessimistic prognosis and because she sought treatment,
AG: What emotions did you experience after receiving the di-
Charita went on to marry, raise a family, earn
agnosis of bipolar disorder?
a master’s degree in teaching and enjoy a fulfilling career in education. Her powerful
CB: For many years after my diagnosis, I denied its accuracy.
story is chronicled in her award-winning de-
I was saddened because I interpreted having a mood dis-
but book, Defying the Verdict: My Bipolar Life.
order with no longer being smart. That was not true but the
I had an opportunity to interview Brown and
invasive thought clouded my self-perception. I continued to
she shared about journey to writing the book
cycle, having extreme mood swings from manic (very high)
Defying the Verdict: My Bipolar Life and gave
to depressed (very low,) punctuated with periods of stable,
insight on her journey in recovery from bipolar
balanced moods. Ignoring other feelings, I forced myself to
disorder. Check out the interview below.
repress negative emotions, appearing happy most of the time. Using these unhealthy coping strategies, I was hospitalized several times.
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AG: How has sharing your story with oth-
ers helped you on your personal journey living with bipolar disorder?
CB: Sharing my story with others marked
my departure from the group that Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison calls “the silently successful,� i.e. people who are living
quality lives with a mental illness diag-
nosis who do not speak publicly about their illness. Each time someone hears or reads my story I am gratified knowing
that accepting my Illness allowed me to understand the blessing of my continuing recovery and to share the wellness strategies I live by.
AG: What advice and encouragement
would you give someone who received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder later in life? CB: After receiving an accurate diagnosis, It is important to accept the diagno-
sis and learn as much as possible about
the illness. It is easier to fight an enemy we know well. Next, develop a plan to stay healthy, understanding that mental health is physical health, nothing to
My wellness plan includes medication, psychiatry, therapy when necessary, a healthy diet, exercise, prayer, meditation on scripture, having accountabili-
ty partners and a lifestyle that includes forgiving others and myself.
Remember, you can live well with a bi-
polar diagnosis. Be kind to yourself and your loved ones. Know that we can choose wellness daily.
be ashamed of.
To learn more about Charita Brown and Defying the Verdict: My Bipolar Life, visit
www.charitacolebrown.com
African America Men&Mental He Exclusive by April Green
According to the National Institute for Minority Health and Health Disparities (NIMHD). Every year, more than 40 million Americans struggle with mental illness. African American men are as likely as anyone else to have mental illness but they are less likely to get help. Depression and other mental illness can be deadly if left untreated. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among African Americans 15 to 24 years old. Untreated mental illness can also make African American men more vulnerable to substance abuse, homelessness, incarceration, and homicide. Exposure mental health had the opportunity to speak with Licensed Mental Health Professional (LMHP), James Harris where we discussed concerns within the African-American community in relationship to men and mental health. The interview can be found below. Harris is the founder of a movement called “Men to Heal” which focuses on men’s overall wellness. This movement encourages men to pay more attention to their mental and physical health, encouraging them to communicate effectively and increase their knowledge of self. James is also the author of “Man Just Express Yourself”.
n ealth
This work is an interactive
another racist system.” As
journal for both boys and
an African American, I am
men who are challenged
aware of persistent racism
with expressing themselves
in our country. This is true on
in healthy ways. “Man Just
a large scale as well as in
Express Yourself” helps
our daily interactions. I think
boys and men to gain
we have many reasons to
accountability in all areas
be suspicious of outsiders
of life.
and to be distrustful of their motivations and actions. If
AG: Why do you think
you talk to an older black
African-American men
man, his correlation would
are so reluctant to
be the Tuskegee syphilis
acknowledge mental
experiment, in which African
health concerns or seek
American men infected
help for mental health
with syphilis were not given
needs?
treatment during a research study even after an effective
JH: This is probably the
treatment was identified, is
number one question I am
a perfect example of why
often asked. I will break it
we are wary of outsiders.
down as best I can from
Another reason is access
the answers I receive from
and availability. How can
men at my seminars or in
African American men find
passing from curiosity of
a therapist? If you think
my movement. For some,
seeing, an African American
I have heard “it’s just
therapist is necessary for
AG: What driving forces lead you to start your organization Men to Heal? JH: My next to last or last quarter of graduate school we had an assignment to identify a population that we would like to work with upon completion of our degree. One of my classmates chose LGBTQIA, one picked veteran and another picked sex worker and so on. I chose men and the lack of attention to their overall health. This was combined with the fact that I was a ward of the state, emancipated at age 16. Being a ward of the state in group homes and foster care, therapy was mandatory weekly. It was not a good experience and I was not able to obtain all the benefits of therapy due to the culture barriers of the therapist at that time. I
was a young kid from The projects in Richmond Va., and he was an old white man. Nope, I will pass. Then as I started my military career, where similar things transpired. I had two deployments one to Iraq and one to Afghanistan. My fellow veterans and I who were able to seek therapy saw what I had seen all those years back. Someone unrelated to the combat experience hosting groups or individual
therapy. I found it easier and more welcoming to process with a veteran rather than at that time, an old white woman who was working from a book that was torn to pieces. From then I just knew I did not want others to avoid therapy based on those experiences. I decided I would ensure that I service the people who look like me on many fronts and culture. Not just African Americans, not just males, not just veterans but everyone who has been disenfranchised. AG: What changes do you think need to be made in the mental health field to help combat the reluctance of African-American men to seek help? JH: Some changes should be made all the way around, not just for men or African Americans but also for the lower socio-economic status (SES) in its entirety. There need to be more diversity within the field, more access to resources, increase in cultural competency, awareness and sensibility, less stereotypes that equate vulnerability to weakness and of course the generational curses and superstitions. “What goes on in this house, stays in this house”, “pray it away” among others.
AG: What would you say to a man who is thinking about seeking support for their mental health needs but are afraid of the stigma’s associated with it? JH: When you find an effective therapist, therapy can be a place to gain support and find a more satisfying ways to live life. Therapy might be the only place where you are not required to have all the answers; you only have to be concerned about yourself and your needs. When you are concerned about what another person is thinking and feeling, you cannot focus on yourself and your own needs. In my opinion, that is the benefit of therapy. You can share all of your thoughts and feelings without being concerned about the therapist. You can focus on you, what you need, what you want, and ways to accomplish your goals. Is the perception of others your reality? Are you a slave to playing the role they want you to play? I wrote a book “Man Just Express Yourself” and I have a few sections in there that will assist this man. Regardless of gender or ethnicity, one must first want it for themselves before they can truly be helped.
To get in contact with James and learn more about his movement you can find him online at www.mentoheal.com and on IG @ men_to_heal . .
the journey
Finding the Joy in the Journey: Healthy Ways to Navigate Grief, A 90 Day Devotional
Have you ever found it hard to find joy amid trials and adversities? Well, you are not alone! Ninety phenomenal co-authors give real talk about love, loss, grief and healing in “Finding Joy in the Journey”. In her 11th anthology, Finding Joy in the Journey, Vernessa Blackwell, Grief Strategist, and Founder of the Grief Hotline, brings together authors who share their personal growth stories and how they have found joy in the journey. Through these stories, each author demonstrates that while education, money, and professional achievement can certainly play a role, true JOY goes deeper than material possessions and accomplishments. Every journey is unique––no two people’s journey to joy will be exactly alike, but we can all learn from each other. Get ready to laugh, and cry, sometimes on the same page! After reading this book, you will walk away feeling inspired to find joy in your journey and power through any obstacles you may encounter along the way. Finding the Joy in the Journey can be found on Amazon. For more information about Vernessa Blackwell, check her out at the following. www.griefhelpline.coach FB: Vernessa Blackwell IG: griefstrategist
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The Relationship Architect | Dr. Oliver T. Reid BY APRIL GREEN, MENTAL HEALTH PUBLISHER
When discussing mental illness, we are quick to talk about different conditions such as bipolar depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia. Often neglected is the much-needed dialogue about developing overall mental health. Taking care of your mental health is much more than your diagnosis. It is crucial that we think about the different dynamics that we have in our lives that may influence our overall mental health, which includes our relationships with others. Exposure Mental Health had an opportunity to sit
down with “The Relationship Architect” Dr. Oliver T. Reid, check out the interview below.
you are in a relationship with yourself. Societies are made up of relationships point-blank and period.
AG: Dr. Reid, you are well known as “The Relationship Architect”, what is your mission and purpose as the relationship architect?
AG: Can you further expound about your firm belief that there are solutions in your relationships and relationships inside of your solutions.
Dr. R: My mission and purpose is to build relationships! I try to serve my clients by letting them know that there are solutions in relationships and relationships in solutions. AG: From your professional experiences, what problems are most prevalent within relationships, and why do you think this is so? Dr. R: Communication and happiness. I feel to many people place the responsibility of the relationship on the other person. They expect their mates, significant others, coworkers, friends, and loved ones to make or maintain their happiness. On the other hand, they often fail to communicate properly because they are often too busy stuck in their own ways of communication. AG: In what ways would you say unhealthy relationships influence us as a society? Dr. R: Relationships make the world go round or force it to stop, there is no in between. Nations rise and fall based on how they relate to the rest of the world. Societies are full of relationships and in reality there is no place you can go to abandon a relationship. Even if you are by yourself,
Dr. R: Inside of every relationship, there are opportunities to learn and grow. Buried beneath the surface of a relationship is something that needs to be solved. When we find what needs to be solved we become more effective and interact differently in solution mode. Discovering the solution in a relationship builds a healthier relationship. AG: What advice would you give couples that have the dynamic of mental illness within their relationship? Dr. R: I would tell them to be open about their mental illness. I would encourage them to find a safe place, get help for themselves, and let them know that it is a journey. In addition, I would inform them to be informed. Awareness is half the mental battle.
“The Relationship Architect” Dr. Oliver T. Reid A native of Charlotte, North Carolina, Dr. Oliver T. Reid is married and a proud father. Dr. Reid has used God’s blessings and favor upon his life in the marketplace, as Founder of ECKLESIA Professional Development Center in 2001, and Founder of M.I.N.D. Consulting in 2007. Dr. Reid provides consulting and coaching services to distinguished entities through his companies. His first book, Don’t Press Fast Forward, was released in 2010, international bestsellers Spiritual GPS, in 2013, and Words From the Low Place in 2014. Dr. Reid has launched a variety of other books: Manhandled “Hidden Code Words That Impact Men and The People That Love Them”, Manhandled Relational Guide”, Pit Masters, Nine Keys to Keeping a Vision Fresh, and his widely anticipated course Ministry Not Impossible. In addition, in 2013, Reid launched the I Am a Solution and I Am A Solution Consulting Firm, LLC a global entity aimed at empowering men and women to change the world. Dr. Oliver T. Reid “The Relationship Architect” is the creator of the revolutionary relationship game, “The InnerView”, an interactive game tailored to providing a fun way to ask the serious questions you have always wanted to know about relationships. The lack of developing healthy relationships can lead to isolation, poor performance, and mental health concerns. Dr. Reid wants to serve, and believes he can provide that bridge to help men and women address the barriers that prevent them from being successful to include social anxiety, communication issues, and unhealthy or toxic relationship patterns. Dr. Reid firmly believes that there are solutions in your relationships and relationships inside of your solutions. “The Relationship Architect” Dr. Oliver T. Reid www.therelationshiparch.com IG: @_therelationshiparchitect FB: The Relationship Architect
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COVI-19 and Mental Health By Angie Auldridge/Contributing Writer With all of the adjustments to life as we
care of yourself”; it is realistically leveling
know it since the COVID-19 Pandemic,
the expectations. We need to be ok with
Why aren’t we talking about mental
work piling up and giving an abundance
health? Why are we not acknowledging its
of flexibility to staff who are caring for
significance and importance? Why does it
others. That may seem counter-intuitive
feel like an afterthought?
to the push to reopen the economy and
Caring for others and ourselves is about
return to business as usual, but the only
adjusting our expectations to our present
way we are going to return is if we can
reality, giving grace, and offering copious
survive this pandemic, both physically
amounts of flexibility. This is not just about
and mentally. The mental health toll that
saying to employees “remember to take
this is taking is grossly underestimated.
M E N T A L H E A LT H M A G A Z I N E Whether you believe this virus is a political
If we could release some of the pressure
scam or you recognize this pandemic as a
then I would venture to say we would
very real threat to American public health,
be more productive and capable of
the fact is, this change in life has had a
contributing and reopening the world. Let us
powerful, tremendous, and underestimated
walk the walk of patience, love, forgiveness,
impact on all of us., and it’s time that we
and grace and bestow those gifts to others.
stop pretending that it’s not.
We need these now more than ever.
I have had enough, and I am sure you
Angie Auldridge.
have too. From my perspective, the answer
Email: AngieAuldridge@gmail.com
is not found in circulating political vitriol
Web: mightyandthebean.com
placing blame on both sides of the aisle. The answer is adjusting our expectations to the present reality and embracing the fact that we are not returning to pre COVID-19 reality any time soon, or possibly, ever. This is not temporary. This has changed the landscape, we need to fully wrap our heads around that fact and respond appropriately, and we desperately need to be gentle with each other. We need to take a break to enjoy the sunshine, breathe in the fresh air, and be away from a screen without the resulting guilt and weight of heavy expectations. We need time to wander, to explore, and to rediscover ourselves without the tug of looming assignments and deadlines.
FB - Mighty and the Bean, Embracing Holland IG - Angie Auldridge, Embracing Holland
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Mental Heal t h Check By: Marquita Kennedy Walls may feel like they are
so swallow that pride
slowly closing in
13.1% suffering from at least one depressed
No matter how hard you play
episode in our youth
the game, you never seem to
It was in Prince George’s County, Maryland
win
that Arianna Privott tried to expose the truth
Your emotions run wild at the
The time is now to open your eyes because so
very thought of an issue
many are closed, I see
Don’t dare show any fear or
Anyone sad, confused, moody, or withdrawn
even soak tears in a tissue
from society Don’t believe the cover-up after a severe epi-
Be strong, Be brave, it’s not as
sode treads upon your path
bad as it may seem
Mood swings, Paranoia, Abuse, Agitation,
Oh, I’m sorry, this is MY life
YOU do the math
you’re living, pick another
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram posts reveal
team
glimpses of a hidden problem unmasked to
When 4.19% is the percentage
you
of adult thoughts of suicide It makes you wonder who you haven’t checked on lately,
YOU FOLLOWING THEM? THEY FOLLOWING YOU? An unbelievable post reveals what is true It’s undeniable to read things about those whom you used to pass in the hall, Not my classmate, my friend, my relative, my co-worker, how did they hit this brick wall
Take note to Readiness, Response, Reassurance, and Recovery on deck Now is not the time to ignore the signs, in your circle, do that Mental Health Check… Contact Marquita Kennedy: FB: Marquita Kennedy Email: marquita1kennedy@gmail.com
Anger swells within with a vigorous vengeance Threatening the slow but decisive effort of change Rage blinds the logic that tries to sway the beast Frustration engulfs the timid and weary restless thing No identity for all who dwell within sheltered with paper walls Stripped of all securities never having the comfort of safety
Layers of underdeveloped emotions drain onto the dry desert plains of compassion It can never luxuriate peacefully for danger constantly vibrates The weakest seek refuge beside it but know it too will fail For the weapons forged against her are futile The beast is rendered immobile and dumbfounded in her presence
Now docile a useless deterrent for the berating that will ensue The worrier has fought a thousand deaths only to surrender every time No victories only bloody wounds and scars to tell the tales of sorrow Confusion streams fluently through the mindless hoard Feeding chaos rapidly into the vortex that paralyzes forward movement Starving the vital organs of nutritional supplements of positivity So many created unaware of their existence No real sense of purpose Corralled by bitter thorns of pain constantly submerged drowning on hate All weaknesses are raw to the exposure eroded by heinous acts FB: Marie Naranjo Email: throughlovewelearn@gmail.com
Rage, Despair and It
The 1st Black Woman-Owned Smart TV Streaming Network Tam Lawrence, founder and CEO of Exposure On Demand TV, one of the first Black woman-owned digital networks promoting positivity on purpose, EOD TV has expanded its distribution by launching a series of channels for book authors, educators, coaches, crafters, home style culinary artists, and a men’s lifestyles. EOD TV allows viewers to discover and enjoy lifestyle curated TV shows, indie content creatives, documentaries, web series, kids programming,
news and live experiences from around the world - North America, Africa, Latin America, Europe and the Caribbean. Exposure On Demand TV now broadcasts a new Exposure On Demand TV that streams a limited selection of its critically-acclaimed independent content creatives, documentaries, home shop network, coaching series, a men’s lifestyle show and educational programming created and produced by mainly minorities. This free, ad-supported channel is accessible on the website www.exposureondemand.tv and all of its apps as well as on ROKU, Amazon Fire Stick and Apple TV. The addition of this live channel gives their customers more choices on ways in which to engage with the platform’s content. Now, customers can stream unlimited hours of content on the company’s free-subscription on-demand channel for $0.00; or watch the ad-supported 24-hour live stream of a curated coaching series, men’s lifestyle, fitness, real estate, credit restoration, educational programming for free.
Lawrence comments, “This year, Exposure On Demand TV App network on ROKU, Amazon Fire Stick, and Apple TV is laser focused on spreading our content across various distribution channels to make it much easier to reach our audience in a number of ways.
Given the fact that COVID-19 is disproportionately impacting minorities in communities at large. As businesses, open streaming content on smart TV devices will in fact grow their consumer base into the U.K. USA, and Canada; along with keeping their loyal consumers aware of how to continue doing business with their establishment. As an increasing number of people deal with the aftermath of COVID-19 and the widespread protests around the country, without a doubt those suffering in silence from unemployment, loss, domestic violence, exhausted caregiving, anxiety, depression, and emotional conflicts; structural content positioned to motivate and inspire will be in high-demand by viewers.” The network’s primary goal is to provide its content creatives with a 100% earnings from their ads sales; boosting the economy by offering a stream of income. Content creatives can use any mobile device to capture video for their channel or TV series; using a one-click uploader content creatives can go live in less than 24hrs. In addition, the network is actively working on partnerships with mobile service providers. ROKU, Amazon Fire Stick, and AppleTV, [devices] download the App by search for EXPOSURE ON DEMAND. Giving Back Through the ad-supported channel, Lawrence says that her platform is also planning to dedicate a portion of affordable sponsorship airtime to disadvantaged owned small businesses that would give them the opportunity to reach over 160 million potential new customers. To learn more about this, advertisers should visit www. exposureondemand.tv
MENTAL HEALTH AND BAT THE MONSTER WITHIN BY KELSI SWENSON
In the Korean Drama Sweet Home, Hyun Cha spends his days and nights gaming. His parents and sister are dead—what else is he supposed to do? He has already planned his own suicide; it’s October 1, he is waiting for the 25th, when his self-granted permission for finality takes effect. The Universe has other plans.
He sleeps for 48 hours; wakes up to a world on fire. A deadly infection has transformed the population into monsters—literally. Gym rat? Now you are a hulking mass of muscle. Voyeur? You have become all eyes. The common denominator is hunger. These creatures consume for physical nourishment and briefly escape the pain of their inhumanity. Hyun WebMD’s the symptoms, finds out he might be early onset. The infection—pictured as a greasy knot of skin and oculi speaks to him. At first, it is only a raspy voice in his dreams, suggesting his worthlessness. It never manifests physically (at least, as far as I have observed) but it grows in his mind. It entices him with his deepest desire to be a hero, and his biggest fear, never measuring up. It promises to solve both, if he will only succumb. Hyun does not buckle he fights.
He has already made the decision to kill himself—why resist the most readily available method. He has no friends, no family, and no purpose: he is utterly alone. Is it just our evolutionary structure—“built for survival”—that encourages him to continue? On the other hand, is it something else?
TTLING Most organisms follow a very basic sequence: eat, sleep, and reproduce. Wash, rinse, repeat. Why are we, as humans, unsatisfied by this? Because our mind allows us to be. The tension between life as it is and life as it could be is (I believe, anyway…) what produces mental illness. Like a bacterial spore, a self-hating/unkind/greedy/selfish/ vengeful thought latches onto our consciousness and begins to breed. If I allow it, what began as a passing fancy is now a way of life; just like Hyun’s “monsterization”.
labor over life and bread over blood (etymologically, is not it painful we equate a paper placeholder of value with actual nourishment?). We target specific groups of people for ostracizing, ridicule, and death; we justify our sins against them by continually committing psychological acts of selfharm that are now built into the linguistic, geographic, educational, and emotional fabric of our existence. We are encouraged to comfort ourselves with mindless consumption (be it food, drugs, electronics…whichever numb-
What exists in my mind—with or without my awareness of it—has the potential to translate itself physiologically. It goes beyond tight shoulders and clenched jaws, elevated heart rates and inexplicable nausea—my brain’s electrical wiring has been rerouted. My frontal cortex has been altered to the point I no longer perceive reality. The facts of existence remain unchanged; but my relationship to them has been distorted, spilling over into every other relationship in my life (including the one I have with myself). It is not difficult to see why mental illness is so prevalent. We live in a society that values
ing agent preferred) until it is time to support whatever elitist parasite that has controlling share over the particular fiefdom we call home. We call this, “normal”; for all our conditioning, we know it is not. To be considered well adjusted in a society that is unwell is not an accomplishment; it is a measure of how quickly we are willing to consider ourselves dead. If we can imagine ourselves apart from the binary of normalcy, what word would we use to describe ourselves, when we want others to know we are living the life we
were meant to live? I am using, “healthy”, but there is a bunch of good ones out there: -balanced -at peace -doing the work The last one (doing the work) is what gets the others started. There is a difference between stillness and stagnancy, exerting effort in the right direction and just…keeping busy. Only one of them satisfies; the rest— like a double cheeseburger— take up space, but do not actually nourish (listen I love me a McChicken sometimes; I am not trying to bash fast food. However, we all know what is not inside a nugget.) I’ve found no answer to the monstrousness inside me and its reflection, amplified, in the world around me but God—if I can be honest, He’s all that’s kept me from taking my own life. When I realized that evil made its home in my body (the U-Haul is my thoughts) it crushed me. I bounced back and forth between seething with self-hatred (a poison that inevitably evaporated from my pores, weaponizing against anything around me) and walking around like a taxidermy; life-like for the benefit of others, but otherwise stuffed with meaningless filler, empty. To exist in such a space for an extended period did things to me.
I learned to disassociate; who wants to be in a body that destroys? Who wants to own a mouth that disassembles—not to resynthesize better—but just because I saw the opening to make a mess… and went through with it for no reason other than that? I cut off access to my feelings, which ironically made it easier to blame my unwillingness to seek help and lack of self control on them (when it was the fact I wasn’t communicating with them that was the issue).
I did not realize that these things are either a conscious choice, a reaction to trauma, or some messy hostile-to-labels, or uncooked combination of the two. I was loathe admitting I was responsible for fixing both. Why? What is the point? If all I am is a collection of disappointments, failures, heartbreak, and rage…why keep going? When it comes time to make the decision between life and death— and there is not a single external force (remember Hyun Cha?) tying me to this world—what stays my hand? I have already established that I am not of value to myself or anyone else. What if I was of value to something else, not a cause, or an institution (how can I be of value to something that was constructed by hands the same as mine?). Only something truly perfect, untouched by human hands; unassailable by the brokenness that lives deeper than bone; could ever have a hope of changing me from a monster into a woman. It would take a miracle. The Red Sea parting in the biology of my lived experience requires being confronted by the frozen, perfectly preserved remains of every hurtful word; every violent thought; every unkind act; every fissure in the veins connecting me to the reality of myself, this world, and the Power that exists outside of and independent of me entirely. Mental illness requires a holistic approach the same as any disease, but I believe its cure is spiritual. At least, it begins in that realm—it translates into human perception by my will. If I act as though I know I am loved simply
as a result of being created, the miracle has already taken place: all that’s left to do is believe. However, what belief looks like in movies and what it actually means for the relationship between my mind and I are so extremely dissimilar their contrast cannot be overstated. Belief, in reality, sometimes only means having hope in the possibility of fulfilling my particular destiny (or that it even exists). The only thing I am sure of—in my battle against anxiety and depression— is that no magic bullet exists. Took me a long time to get over that. Embracing incremental change as the only way to attack and destroy barriers to my mental wellness means applying every ounce of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical effort in my temporary possession. It is grueling; it is demanding; it is messy; but it is real. Realer that any force that comes against my healing—and when I say, “realer” I mean, “more powerful. When I cannot even trust myself to care (and I do not), I shelter myself in the knowledge that my Creator does. It does not absolve me of responsibility—it ensures that I take it. What comes after, it the making of new rules for living, and the acceptance that I have been wrong about EVERYTHING. Contact Kelsi Swenson on FB @ Kelsi Swenson
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