Dodging the Darts

In July of 2020, I suffered and survived a stroke. I was only 43 years old. I apparently had a tear in one of the arteries in my brain and a blood clot formed. Brain surgery saved my life within three hours of a stranger calling 911 after I fell, paralyzed at a local cafe. That is a story in itself! What ensued was a major depression and the road to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA).

I have a toddler, dog, husband, house, etc. I am very blessed with a big life but was perplexed as to why I survived but still couldn’t stop eating. In October, I was told by my neurologist that the tear in my artery had not improved but had gotten worse. I felt numb, shocked, dumbfounded, and guilty. I was 230 pounds (about 104 kilos) and eating probably 5,000 calories a day of sugar and flour to feel comfort, safety, and to cover up the fear.

The doctor’s call, however, scared me straight. I heard a voice say, Go for a walk. So I started going for a walk every day. Then I heard a voice say, Go get Vitamin B shots. I did. I found out my vitamin D levels were low, so I started taking that as well. Then I heard a voice say, Start listening to the FA meetings you know about, and so I did. I clearly remember lying in bed, in the dark, with FA meetings in my ear. For the month of November, I didn’t do anything but walk, take vitamins, and listen in on strangers saying that there was another way to live.

In December 2020, I finally got the courage to call a couple of the people that I heard sharing. I began to wake up out of my depression, sit up, and turn my video on from time to time. I started to pay attention to peo- ple announcing sponsorship and started to listen in earnest for what I wanted. One day, December 30, I heard what I wanted. And then I heard the person was free to sponsor. I called after the meeting, and the person said yes!

My first day of abstinence was December 31, 2020. It felt like the longest day of my life. It was New Year’s Eve. My husband, not knowing what I was doing, came home with a bunch of party food. I texted this new sponsor and she wrote back, "You’re on my team now." I just had to tell my husband to have fun, but I wouldn’t be eating or drinking. We ended up having the best New Year’s celebration. As a family we laughed, did karaoke with our toddler, and went to bed around 9PM. Ahh, some new year!

I couldn’t believe it when a week went by. I was truly living one day at a time. Life slowed down. I filled my hands with knitting. I listened in and participated in meetings, meeting new fellows. I personally needed more than three meetings during this time. I listened in on as many as I could.

After 30 days, I was in disbelief but kept going with it. I put my food first, and then everything else fell into place. If I had a food thought, I’d have a quick reaction of, “Nope.” I put food on the same level as smoking or any hard drug that I wouldn’t think twice about. It was not an option for me. Within 45 days, I started doing serious quiet time. It felt like a massage for my brain! It was crazy. Quiet time has remained the most important tool, second to weighing and measuring my food. Quiet time makes me a calmer mother and wife.

By day 60, my entire family came down with COVID, and we were all stuck at home. I didn’t think I was going to make it through, but looking back I honestly don’t even remember thinking about food. I just didn’t eat anything that wasn’t on my food plan.

By day 70, our house sale closed, and my husband’s aunt decided to charge us double what she originally agreed. So we were purchasing the house from her for double the price. Wow! I was struck with so much anger for days. I remember taking a lot of extra walks, taking baths, saying a lot of prayers, and making a lot of phone calls. I didn’t eat! Now I feel like if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything.

Finally, April 1 rolled around and I had my 90 days. It really wasn’t so bad! I was able to do it one day at a time. Life threw me a ton of darts. I let it happen, lived through it, and got my 90 days. What a blessing. It’s do-able!

As a side note, I also lost about 45 pounds (about 20 kilos) during those 90 days. Every day gave me more integrity and confidence, and that rolled into another day, into another day, and into another day. I no longer lived in "what if, what if, what if.”