Facing Myself

In 2012, I had been in Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) for almost three years. I was on my fourth round of back-to-back abstinence, having reached 90 days three different previous times.

When my eldest daughter and her husband left after a rare visit with me to attend a wedding in the vineyards of Monterey County in California, a dairy product I had purchased for my son-inlaw’s morning coffee was left in my refrigerator. Two days later, between my breakfast and lunch, I splashed some of the liquid from the shiny carton into my cup of decaf coffee, murmuring to myself, “I am not going to tell my sponsor about this.”

The following night at my regular FA meeting, a fellow shared that although she had eight years in FA, the last two had been painful and everything had become a struggle. She shared that she was struggling with her abstinence when the subject of rigorous honesty came up in one of her recent conversations. It suddenly occurred to her that her struggles might be related to the fact that she had withheld a little fact from her sponsor about what she was putting into her decaf. I gasped to myself and thought, Are you kidding me?

The next morning, I told my sponsor about the splash into my decaf. A couple of days later found me back to day one, ready to face the start of my fifth round of abstinence. Just as in my previous first 90 days, I believed that, with my Higher Power, something good would land in my lap, something I could not have humanly predicted.

At that time, I was grieving the loss of a job I’d had at a company I loved. Through my grief, the only silver lining had been the anticipation of the visit from my daughter and her husband. Now that the visit was over, I had to face myself. It was time for me to bond with my Higher Power. I put that first, front, and center.

One outreach call at a time brought me to take charge of my finances. I called two financial consultants regarding stock from the grants I’d been so generously and unexpectedly given by my employer. I called the IRS to make some arrangements. I went to a tax advisor who looked at my stock transactions and asked me, “Is this what you are crying about?” So my finances were not so bad. Then an old friend offered to let me pay $500 a month for rent so I could afford my new status as a full-time job seeker. By Thanksgiving, my fear of financial insecurity left me completely, and it has not returned.

To celebrate my freedom from financial fears, I decided to travel to Cleveland, Ohio to visit my pregnant daughter and spend time with my precious two-year-old grandson. I thought this would be a relief from the reality of this transitional time for me. I called a fellow in FA to see about qualifying at local meetings. After putting my program “ducks” in a row, I proceeded to arrange an overnight “red-eye” flight.

I called my sponsor the next morning and told her about my brilliant plan. I sunk into low-grade rage and disappointment when she advised that going to Cleveland at this time in my life was probably not putting first things first. What? Sure, I’d lost my job in August, but I figured I’d get another job after the visit. My sponsor was steady and consistent in her opinion.

I called my daughter’s voicemail, choking out the message that I wasn’t in a position to come and hang out. I told her that I was a grandmother without a job and a permanent place to live. I spent another day feeling grief, but the next day I went into total denial about what I’d decided. I tried to reschedule the flight, but I couldn’t access the airline’s portal. Riveted by this new dose of Higher Power reality, I began calling fellows and sharing about first things being first. I recalled a situation during my very first 90 days, a time when I promised a friend that I would accompany her to her son’s movie debut. While on route to the theater, I realized I was sneaking out of one of my FA meetings. I called my sponsor to tell her where I was going, and in response heard my sponsor’s consistent and strong message,

“No, turn your car around and go to your meeting. Our meetings are our medicine.” She said I would be a better friend later if I went to my committed meeting. Later, 72 pounds (about 33 kilos) lighter, I attended that same friend’s bridal shower. She was ecstatic to see me and my new self. I received an invitation on the evening before Valentine’s day to interview for a job position for which I was completely qualified. I was able to draft resumes, enter timely applications into the online system, and be available to show up.

Before FA, I was sick, diabetic, and weighed 197 pounds (about 89 kilos). I’ve had a buried treasure of anger in me for more than 56 years. Along with weight, I have shed every malady my body had experienced from its saturation of flour and sugar. In the past two-plus years, my cholesterol, blood pressure, and weight have been normal.

Now I have a Divine calendar in my life. I put this program first and don’t rely on my bright ideas of last-minute trips, skipping my committed meetings, or any other actions that would compromise my wellbeing. When my grandson and his brand-new baby sibling greet me when I visit them this August, I will be employed and settled. I can devote my higher self to them.