Game Over

I have been a member of FA for almost six years and am gratefully blessed with the gift of abstinence from addictive eating, one day at a time. When I first became abstinent from addictive eating, I started playing excessive amounts of computer games. Computer games were my new ‘go to’ for immediate comfort and gratification. I told myself if I could not eat, at least I could play my favorite computer games. And play I did! Many nights I was up until 3 a.m. or later. I could easily play computer games for three to six hours, non-stop. Going to bed so late was not conducive to getting up early in the morning for quiet time, talking with my sponsor, or bringing my best self to work. The consequences of spending that much time on computer games took its toll in ways similar to when I spent so much time pursuing, buying, and eating food. Remorse and regret set in because I was not engaging in other activities in my life. I would tell myself, “Well, at least I didn’t eat” and that was true. I was very grateful, relieved, and hopeful each day that I was blessed with another day of abstinence from addictive eating. But I lived a secret life of embarrassment and shame about my computer game playing.

Although I very much appreciated and loved my sponsor, I did not want to talk about this secret part of my life for a long time. The addict in me did not want to change. Finally, I talked about it with my sponsor. In hindsight, I see that I engaged in lies of omission by not sharing this part of myself with my sponsor earlier. I was not giving my sponsor or my Higher Power a chance to help me. My sponsor was very kind and loving in her response. She suggested that perhaps I could do weighed and measured amounts of computer games. Perhaps it did not have to be all or nothing. That made good sense to me. I decided to commit to playing computer games no more than 30 minutes per day and see what happened. I reported my computer game time to my sponsor each day just as I did with my food. For about six months that worked great. I did not go past the 30 minutes and sometimes played less than 30 minutes. On rare occasions, I did not play at all.

Then one night in a moment of self-will, weakness, and rebellion, I had a slip and played computer games in excess. The next day I shamefully reported to my sponsor about my slip playing computer games well beyond 30 minutes. I recommitted to weighed and measured amounts of playing time. That lasted for a few weeks, until I had another slip, where I once again played into the wee hours of the morning as my rebellious self-will took charge. This pattern was looking all too familiar. I had crossed over to the side of being powerless over my computer game playing. I suspected that total abstinence from playing computer games might be necessary for me and might provide more of the recovery, relief, and connection with my Higher Power.

To my surprise, when I completely stopped playing, I went through a period of withdrawal. My addict mind had convinced me that computer game playing was not truly a problem. I was in denial. I was wrong. My withdrawal period from computer game playing was similar to the withdrawal and the longing I experienced with the food when I first started FA. However, within a few weeks of complete abstinence from playing computer games, it got easier and my desire to play diminished.

It has been approximately two years since I have played any computer games. Today, I rarely think about playing computer games. That is a miracle I would not have imagined was possible. The removal of yet another obsession and addiction in my life has been among the many gifts I continually receive from my Higher Power.

Since that time, my addictive personality has latched on to other new escape behaviors and substances which were not previously a problem. I have discovered that I need to completely abstain from several food condiments, flavored sugar-free beverages, herbal teas, and more, in order to be free and allow my Higher Power in. I also need to be watchful and ask my Higher Power and others to help me with my tendency to overwork, to accumulate too many clothes at garage sales and thrift stores, and to binge on excessive TV watching. I have even used attendance at too many FA meetings as an escape from facing my daily responsibilities and duties.

I am grateful that I have a sponsor who spots problem areas in my life long before I want to acknowledge their existence or face the truth about the damage they are causing in my life and the lives of others. When my sponsor asks me to consider a new behavior or choice, I discover that not only was it a change I needed to make, but it becomes a change I want to make because of the improved quality of life I experience.

Thanks to the Twelve Steps, the program of action outlined in the AA Big Book, and to a power greater than me, I am guided to a more spiritual life that keeps getting better each day as I practice these principles in all my affairs.