Finding My Way Back

Addictive eating, for me, was almost certainly a death sentence. But the decision to connect to an FA meeting via video conference in August 2021 changed my life.

I first started FA in 2014. I had some success losing weight, having started at 274 pounds and getting down to 199 pounds. I left FA because I was unable to be completely honest with my sponsors about weighing and measuring my food, as well as eating in restaurants. When I started regaining weight, I felt hopeless and quit the program. After leaving FA, my addictive eating escalated, and the added weight took a toll on my body.

As I kept gaining weight, getting out of bed and walking around the house were nearly impossible. My bladder leaked and I embarrassingly would often not make it to the bathroom in time. My swollen ankles and feet left me unable to wear enclosed shoes. I wore only flip flops, even in winter. Worried about my health, my extended family constantly warned me about my six-to-eight-bottles-a-day diet soda addiction. When shopping with my husband, I had to use a motorized cart or wait in the car while he shopped. He did all the shopping and carried groceries into the house without my help. He fixed all his meals, which were healthy, balanced foods, while I washed down large quantities of bagged or prepared foods full of flour and sugar with diet soda. Because I could not take care of myself, I felt humiliated.

My diabetes worsened. Over time, the 240 units of insulin I took to try to control blood sugars wasn’t enough. Even though I knew I was going to eat myself into a casket, I could not stop eating addictively. My husband had resigned himself to a future living alone. I honestly believed death was near.

One day I was visiting a friend who, years earlier, left FA, just as I had. She told me why she returned to the program. During a consultation with her doctor about gastric bypass, he encouraged her to return to the Twelve-Step Program that worked so well for her in the past. Heeding her doctor’s advice, she returned to FA. I immediately saw a dramatic change in her. She was abstinent and happy. I wanted what she had.

Witnessing this change gave me a measure of hope. She explained how I could get on a virtual FA meeting using a computer app from home. That day in August 2021, a miracle happened. The fellow who qualified spoke about how perfectionism had ruled her life. She learned to live a life of progress, not perfection. Because she had lost a lot of weight and maintained this weight loss for years, her story resonated with me. I heard I could have a life without addictive eating, based on spiritual principles. I could take action and live a structured life, weighing and measuring food and being honest.

Everyone at that meeting greeted me with warmth and joy. I felt comfortable and welcomed. Upon their suggestion to newcomers, I stayed at the end of the meeting and shared my feelings of hopelessness. I confessed that I needed and wanted to be honest and yet I wasn’t sure I could be. I wrote down the phone numbers of five fellows.

About 4:00 the next morning, I decided I would go to the store, buy abstinent food, and write a food plan to give to someone. I even thought about calling someone, but it was too early. I live in a small town with only one little store that opens at 7:30 a.m., so I waited for time to pass. By 6:00 a.m. I was in tears; I felt trapped. Then I decided to pick one of the phone numbers I collected from the night before. I texted that person that I was desperate and knew it was too early to

I am grateful that even thoughI gave up on myself,God never did.I thank FA andthe fellowship forwelcoming me hometo a new, better life. call, but I wanted to give my food plan for that day to someone, and I asked if she would receive it. I explained that I couldn’t get the food until 7:30 a.m. To my surprise, I received a text back immediately. Yes, she would take my food plan and then she wrote me a touching, beautiful message. I cried even more. Although she said she could not sponsor me, that fellow saved me at that moment. She was the beginning of real hope for my life. My first miracle. As promised, I obtained my abstinent food at 7:30 a.m. and ate an abstinent breakfast. The next thing that happened shows how God worked that day to change my life. About 15 minutes later, I received my first outreach call from an FA member who had been on the meeting the night before. She called to say, “Welcome to FA.” I felt right at home with this person because she was pleasant and easy to talk to. Before our call was finished, she said, “I would be willing to be your temporary sponsor to get you started in FA.” Imagine my shock and joy that someone was willing to work with me! I was then, and still am, deeply grateful for this woman’s willingness to give her time, energy, experience, strength, and hope to me.

During these first 90 days, my life has taken a 180-degree turn for the better. I am eating to live, not living to eat. Ninety days after that call and commitment to be honest to God and my sponsor, I am enjoying the benefits of the FA fellowship. I practice all the tools of the program, which keep me abstinent one day at a time.

Miracles continue to happen. My feet and ankles are back to a normal size, and I am pain-free. I have graduated from flip flops to tennis shoes and even wear wedges and other cute shoes. I am no longer bedridden. I can walk unaided. Goodbye motorized carts at big box stores. I even enjoy walking and I can go further every week. My diabetes is under control and I am no longer shooting 240 units of insulin. I am at 25 units now, with the hope of soon being free from all diabetic medications.

Before eating any meals, and when I pray on my knees morning and night, I remind myself that abstinence is the pathway to God and my spiritual life. Thank you, God, for the grace and willingness to stay abstinent, one day at a time.

At this point in my recovery, I am filled with gratitude in all areas of my life. I am grateful that even though I gave up on myself, God never did. I thank FA and the fellowship for welcoming me home to a new, better life. A life full of miracles!