Step By Step

I loved going to camp because it was an escape from the mean girls at school, and I could be with people I loved and who loved me back. Growing up, I spent most of my summers at a camp. The friends I made there are still a part of my life, even though we are now in our forties and scattered all over the country. Although I am grateful for the camp experience, I look back and see how my food addiction was ever present. As older campers and counselors, we would take prepared food from the kitchen at night, once even eating a young camper’s birthday treat! I felt completely entitled to help myself, never thinking I was stealing or causing hardship to the kitchen staff.

I could have spent my time horseback riding, mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking, and more. However, in nine years, I took one horseback riding lesson, went on one bike ride, climbed one rock, and did zero hiking. I hated being uncomfortable, which included being red-faced, hot, and sweaty. I stuck to canoeing and swimming because I was good at it, and I could always take a dip in the water. Rock climbing meant wearing a harness that pinched my thighs. I saw that the harness belt would wrap around the other girls’ waists multiple times, but I was always embarrased of how I could only get it around mine once. I have since realized I never wanted to be a beginner or spend time honing my skills. I thought a person was born with a gene that made them good at things. If you didn’t have it, you didn’t have it.

Those camp friends typically plan a girls trip every year. I have never been able to join for various reasons. The flight was too expensive, there was a conflict, or it was a bad time of year. Deep down, I knew I used those things as excuses. I was scared of living my abstinent life in front of them. I no longer drink. I don’t sit around eating snack foods. I don’t like to gossip. And I’m no longer the 200-pound friend some of them remember.

When I was asked to join the group at an upcoming get together, I realized I had no excuses. The flight was inexpensive, it was a great time of year, and I no longer cared what anyone thought about my recovery, my body, or my way of living. Luckily, what I found when I got there was a large group of people with different interests. Some people wanted to drink, some to sleep, others wanted spa treatments, and some wanted to be active. Like attracts like, and I found people who practiced healthy living. When a group said they wanted to wake up early the next morning to hike the local mountain, I jumped at the chance. I had never done it, and it sounded like a great way to start the day.

As I started hiking, I kept thanking God. I was thin, and while I’m hardly an athlete, I was not out of breath, gasping for air, or rubbing my chafed thighs. Still, it was hard. This was not a stroll in the woods. It was a full-fledged climb! Just as we live our program every day, I realized the way to make the climb simple was to focus on the next stone, the next foot hold, the next step, and the next resting place. I would become overwhelmed and tired, thinking of how much farther I had to go if I looked all the way up. I asked for help. When I needed to stop, I asked for a break, and when others needed to stop, I gladly sat and relaxed with them.

When we got to the top, we took pictures, elated by what we had accomplished. I thanked God over and over again. I hadn’t chosen to drink by the pool. I didn’t let my feelings get hurt and eat over them. I didn’t say I was too tired or that it was a dumb idea. I wasn’t the slowest person. I did it! I didn’t back out. I kept up and enjoyed myself.

What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard the trek back down would be. I used the same principles to guide me. If I looked all the way down, I would lose my balance and my fear of heights would kick in. If I just kept looking a few feet in front of me, I could take it one step at a time. Just like life! If I look at all my problems or the state of the world, I can quickly be overwhelmed. If I stay in the day and ask God for help, I can see the path through it.

I am grateful I have been able to have many second chances at life, thanks to FA. I can’t go back in time and change who I was as a camper, but I can change who I am now. I tried something new. It was hard and I loved every minute of it. God showed me I could take the same concept we talk about every day—do the next right action, one day at a time, or literally, one step at a time.