Grounded in Recovery

When I was active in my disease of food addiction, I was adrift. During childhood, I experienced a kaleidoscope of traumas, from poverty to becoming unhoused, to food insecurity, to not attempting school assignments if I found them too challenging. So in adulthood, once I had more resources and unrestricted access to food, I abused flour, sugar, and quantities, and committed to not doing things that required too much effort or exceeded my existing skill set or knowledge base.

I learned how to use food like a hot air balloon. I used food to float through, around, and above life, and I constantly felt disconnected. Under the influence of food, I got high. That was the best I could do to cope with challenges, joys, my human shortcomings, and persistent fears, doubts, and insecurities. I thought that if I couldn’t walk through life as it came, I could certainly float through it. But FA has been like gravity. It has helped me, one abstinent day at a time, to live life on life’s terms with my feet on the ground and my mind focused on my willingness to “faith-it-until-I-make-it” and trust in my Higher Power.

Through recovery in FA, I’ve come to learn that one of the toughest consequences of growing up in trauma was experiencing pervasive fear, doubt, and insecurity. The greater my fear, the greater the quantities of flour and sugar products I consumed to help me cope with that fear. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time; I just thought I needed a little something to take the edge off. Before joining FA, facing my fears without getting high on flour and sugar seemed impossible and pointless. For example, I was afraid to drive, so I relied on others or public transportation to get me to where I needed to be. I was afraid to be alone in the dark, so I slept with a butcher’s knife near my bed and used a nightlight my grandmother gifted me. I was afraid to read aloud, so I avoided reading altogether, even though I was a high school teacher. I was also afraid to live without feeling stuffed and filled with food, so I ate very large quantities many times a day.

Those weren’t my only fears, but they were among the loudest and drove me to use food like a drug until I was introduced to FA by a neighbor, who was in her late seventies. She directed me to the FA website and I found a Monday night meeting in my area. I had so much fear about attending my first FA meeting that I asked my partner to attend with me, and she did. For the next two months or so, she also drove me to and from my weekend meetings.

Once I joined the program, I got a sponsor and committed to a food plan. This meant I could no longer use food to escape the feelings of shame and inadequacy that came with being too afraid to drive at 33 years old. Instead, I started talking to my sponsor openly and honestly about my fears around driving, and I learned to connect with my Higher Power. Eventually, I started to drive.

First, my partner would drive to the meetings with me as a passenger, and I would take the subway back home. Once I got familiar with the route, and with courage and the belief that my Higher Power was with me, I started to drive to and from that weekend FA meeting. I kept discussing the possibility of getting into an accident with my sponsor, which was my primary fear. She would put driving into perspective, reminding me that I had car insurance, that accidents happen, to focus on times when I didn’t have an accident, and that my Higher Power was in the car with me. Now, I drive to and from lots of places and have been in two minor accidents. Both times I was safe. Those small collisions were worth the freedom that comes with feeling fear, not eating addictively to suppress the fear, and driving anyway. The fear still comes up sometimes, but I ask my Higher Power for help and I move forward.

Similarly, I was afraid to read. I didn’t read until I was seven years old, and I still struggle with decoding and spelling some words. My first sponsor suggested I raise my hand to read a portion of the FA meeting format, and I very reluctantly took her suggestion, but I was afraid of mispronouncing or accidentally skipping over words as I had done in elementary school. I am sure these errors happened, but to my surprise, unlike in school, no one laughed or made fun of me. In fact, other FA members often smiled and thanked me for reading and doing service. I started to gain more self esteem each time I raised my hand and got called on to read the format. I was even able to commit some portions of the format to memory, which helped my reading fluency and, best of all, eased my fears.

One day, I explained to my sponsor how I longed to read, but found reading mostly boring and overly challenging. She suggested I try to read light and fun books first. She even mailed my partner copies of a humorous book that we read together. Prior to that book, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d finished a book from cover to cover, but as I continued to read portions of Twenty Four Hours a Day and the AA Big Book, I eventually finished them.

Over time, I started to enjoy reading. I read FA literature and have even started to read content related to my personal and professional interests. Consistently reading led me to accept a challenge from my partner to read 21 books in 2021. FA helped me to commit to that goal. FA has helped me take small actions, one day at a time, that have a big impact over time.

FA has taught me that I can do anything I put my heart and mind to, and I know that the fact that I read has everything to do with my recovery. When I am active in food addiction, I don’t do things that are hard or require me to stretch, but in recovery, I do those things because I know that the more I stretch, the closer I get to my Higher Power. And the closer I am to my Higher Power, the more I enjoy life exactly as it comes.

Through FA, I have been able to experience my life as a series of many small miracles. I drive and take public transit only when it is the most logical or environmentally sound option. I no longer sleep with a nightlight or butcher’s knife near my bed. I read out loud at FA meetings as well as to my students, my niece, and my nephew. I no longer eat flour, sugar, or unmeasured quantities of food. I am abstinent by the grace of my Higher Power. FA has given me concrete and practical daily suggestions to help me stay grounded. It offers me a way of life that has taught me how to name, claim, and tame my fears, doubts, and insecurities, one abstinent meal at a time, one prayer at a time, and one next right action at a time. I no longer feel like I am aimlessly floating through life and adrift on clouds of fear, doubt, and insecurity. I can be exactly where my feet are and grateful for the greatest gift my Higher Power has given me—life.

I still worry, but I do my best not to make decisions based on fear, doubt, and insecurity. Living a life of sane and happy usefulness started when I no longer desired to use food like a drug to cope with the traumas and fears in my life. FA has helped make my life more stable and anchored. I am grateful to feel more grounded. I am grateful to know that I am directly connected to my Higher Power, so I don’t need to get high on food. I do my best to thank my Higher Power daily for FA as my gravity.