Heartbreak and Healing

My daughter estranged herself from me a few years ago, and I did not deal with it well. I cried for months, journaling my anger, and when the thought occurred to me that I was hating my daughter, I went for counseling. I asked myself, “What kind of a mother hates her daughter?” My counselor suggested that the best thing I could do for my daughter was to take care of myself.

I had been in another Twelve-Step program for food a while ago. I never made a conscious decision to leave, but first I missed one meeting and then another until its importance in my life seemed to dwindle. My life began to spiral down, which brought me to some dark places.

I knew I needed to go back to a Twelve-Step program because that was the time in my life when I felt most peaceful.

There are no in-person FA meetings in my city, but because of Covid and the fact that meetings are accessible on virtual platforms, I was able to give FA a try. I am so grateful that God put FA at the top of my internet search that day.

My top weight was 210 pounds, but when I came to my first FA meeting I was 155 pounds and climbing. I chose a sponsor that night and was a little shocked at all the things I was being asked to do, including my “stupidly” early morning phone call. But God blessed me with the gift of desperation.

Early on, everyone I spoke with suggested I pray the resentment prayer for my daughter every day, as suggested in the AA Big Book. I wrote out a prayer and, still to this day, read it to God every morning.

As my life in recovery began, I got busy organizing my new daily routine. I got on my knees as I rolled out of bed, did my reading, and called my sponsor. I shopped, chopped, and weighed my food. I made painful calls to strangers and learned to ask God for help to know what I would talk to them about.

A few months into my FA program, I heard through the grapevine that my daughter took her counselor’s suggestion and went to see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and put her on medication.

At Christmas, I received a card in the mail from her. I put the envelope on my lap and said a prayer to thank God for the letter and to ask for strength and courage in case it was hurtful.

There was a card, a letter, and ten pictures of her. It was hard for me to read her note that said I could hang the pictures on the fridge, frame them, or burn them, as she was doing this for herself.

The rest of the letter spoke about the new man in her life and that it could be a long-term relationship. She decided that if she marries, she’d want me at the wedding and that if she has children, she wants her children to know their grandmother.

She mentioned that she’s not yet sure how we can co-exist in this world together and that her counselor has ideas about how we can have a relationship in the future. She explained that I won’t hear from her anytime soon, and that she didn’t want to hear from me either.

I took a quiet time and let it all settle in my mind, and I heard that I needed to make a list of things I could be grateful for. I actually ended up with a longer list than I had expected.

At least I got a card this year, and my family members also got cards. My daughter’s rejection of me had given me distance, time, and the desperation I needed to go back to a program of recovery and put in the needed effort. I wrote and mailed her a beautiful Christmas card. When I told my sister about the letter and how I replied, she said, “Who are you and what have you done with my sister?”

Before I found FA, this type of thing would have sent me into the depths of despair and depression, but instead, by the grace of God, I’m learning to deal with life as it comes. A month later, in January, I received an email from my daughter with the subject heading “Five things I love about you.” She actually threw in what she called a “Bonus #6.” One item on the list read, “That you love me even when I act like I don’t love you.” I cried in front of my laptop for two hours before I replied. I thanked her for her kind words, told her how I missed her terribly, and shared that I hoped she would stay in touch because my world is a better place with her in it.

This email was beyond my wildest dreams. There was nothing in the letter about future contact, but that was okay. I believe that in God’s time, when we’re both ready, it will happen.

I have a new found hope today. While I’ve been weighing and measuring my food and working my tools, God’s been busy helping both of us heal.