Be Quiet

Has anyone ever told you to listen to your gut or use your intuition? These common phrases were thrown at me many times before recovery. When people made these suggestions, my first response was anger. I would get almost violent because I never could access that quiet, knowing place inside, and I felt out of control. I was out of touch with a gut instinct or quiet, intuitive voice because my pipelines were clogged with sugar, flour, and negativity.

Eating would temporarily numb my fearful feelings, but the effects would wear off quickly. My eating and my life became unmanageable. I was running from myself and running from the truth.

When I first joined FA, my sponsor was very clear that I needed to do a half-hour of quiet time every morning. During one of my first calls with her, I was letting her know how great my quiet time was. I said something like, “It was so nice just sipping coffee and doing my nails in peace and quiet.” It was then I found out that quiet time meant sitting completely still for 30 minutes with no distractions, no multitasking, nothing.

I thought, Are you kidding me? I don’t think I’ve ever sat still for five minutes without doing something, let alone a whole 30 minutes. I begrudgingly took her suggestion, and it was during that very next quiet time when I heard a still, small voice nudging me to let go of a very toxic relationship. Darn that quiet time! Finding these things out is exactly why I didn’t want to sit with myself, despite realizing that the still, small nudge was my Higher Power, and this was the start to a new relationship with God. Nothing happened overnight, but I eventually got the clarity and willingness to move on from that relationship.

The promises of the program from the AA Big Book include, “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” I have come upon many difficult life situations in recovery, but one of the most memorable experiences comes to mind when I think about the tool of quiet time.

I was pregnant with my third child and found out in my first trimester that she had Down Syndrome. Upon hearing this news, my head felt like it was going to explode. I felt pulled in a thousand directions, none of which was peaceful or positive. I had drastic thoughts of harming myself and my unborn child.

I remembered a passage from the Twenty-Four Hour a Day book that read, “We don’t make decisions out of an emotional upheaval.” I knew what that meant; that darn quiet time. I kept taking it to quiet time.

A few weeks later, I heard my Higher Power remind me how I used to think being a food addict was the worst thing in the world and now I think it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. The thought came to me, Maybe this is just fear? I knew in my heart that the only reason I didn’t want this baby was because of the way she was going to look. How embarrassing was that to admit? But the truth and meditation set me free.

From the moment of my daughter’s birth until this very day, God completely turned my attitude around. I have new eyes for Down Syndrome, just like I have a new attitude about food, and my heart, not my head, explodes many times a day. Quiet time works.

Another challenge came a few years ago, during my fourth pregnancy, when I felt a lump in my breast. No biggie, I thought. After three kids, I knew lumps and bumps were just mammary glands preparing me for breastfeeding. Again, in one of my quiet times, I heard that still, small voice telling me to get it checked out, so I did. Ten days later, I was told I had breast cancer and needed to start treatment right away. Although I was in shock that I had to do all this while pregnant, I also saw that God turns countless situations from curses to blessings. I knew I’d be okay, regardless of the prognosis.

Later in my treatment, the doctor told me that if I hadn’t come in when I did, the outcome might have been very different due to how aggressive the cancer was. Although neither of these situations was what I would have chosen for myself, I can now say I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned that God uses everything for good.

The longer I stay abstinent, do my tools, and work the steps, the more the still, small voice continues to become a prominent and loving guide. The peace and friendship that come from hanging out with my Higher Power is the gift that keeps on giving.