Famous Monsters Full Moon #1 by Famous Monsters Of Filmland

BARRETT SCHWALENBERG EDITOR/DESIGN

ANDY GREENE SENIOR WRITER

Werewolves, vampires, and other such beasts abound underneath the powerful light of a full moon. But something else abounds as well... Creativity! So what is this FAMOUS MONSTERS FULL MOON and why should you care? Well, it’s FM’s latest vehicle for all things that go bump in the night! Inside, you will find a variety of creative and original pieces from the imaginations of some very talented writers and artists. These range from shorter stand-alone pieces, to the entertaining lists of the Famous Monsters Favorite Five, to episodic stories that will carry on from one issue to the next. But that’s only half the fun! Flipping to the latter pages of the FULL MOON, you’ll find a section that may be of particular interest to you. The FAN GALLERIES! That’s right, each FULL MOON will feature various art galleries, written pieces, and video works submitted by those of you who have an appreciation for the horror/sci-fi/fantasy genres and want to show off their creative side. With this first FULL MOON falling so close to Halloween, we held a terror-ific Pumpkin Carving Contest which has yielded some fangtastic results. You’ll find the five winners toward the end, but take your time getting to them. There’s some excellent content to be found in these pages!

ELVIS KUNESH

WRITER/KONG-TRIBUTOR

PUBLISHED BY

FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND FORREST J. ACKERMAN

HONORARY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

PHILIP KIM (KONG) PUBLISHER

DOMINIE LEE

ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER/ART DIRECTOR

ED BLAIR

EXECUTIVE EDITOR

HOLLY INTERLANDI ASSOCIATE EDITOR

JENNIFER W. GERRITSEN DESIGN

SEAN FERNALD FILM & MUSIC

FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND (WORDS AND DISTINCTIVE LETTERING DESIGN) IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF PHILIP KIM. ALL ORIGINAL CONTENT HEREIN, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED, IS THE EXLUSIVE PROPERTY OF MOVIELAND CLASSICS, LLC, ©2012. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ALL IMAGES NOT OTHERWISE IDENTIFIED OR IN OWNERS OR CLAIMANTS OF THE RESPECTIVE STUDIOS, PRODUCTION COMPANIES, FILMMAKERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, OR OTHER RIGHTS HOLDERS, IF APPLICABLE. THE INCLUSION HEREIN OF SUCH IMAGES IS STRICTLY FOR JOURNALISTIC, INFORMATIONAL, EDUCATIONAL AND/OR COMMENTARY PURPOSES AND USE OF THE SAME IN IS IN NO WAY INTEDED TO IMPLY TRANSFER, AUTHORIZATION, OWNERSHIP, OR OTHER CLAIMANT RIGHTS BY FM OTHER THAN FOR SUCH USE. ANY UNAUTHORIZED DUCPLICATION, SALE, DISTRIBUTION, OR OTHERWISE IS STRICLY PROHIBITED AND ACTIONABLE PURSUANT TO THE UNITED STATES CODE PROTECTING INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY.

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IN TRICK OR TREATMENT

INTERVENTION WITH A VAMPIRE

FAMOUS MONSTERS FAVORITE 5

REAL ANIMALS MADE FOR HORROR FANS

FAMOUS MONSTERS P.S.A.

PARANORMAL SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

FM 2012 MONSTER’S BRAWL BRAWL BRACKET

FM 2012 MONSTER’S BRAWL ROUND 3 RESULTS

PUMPKIN CARVING CONTEST 5 WINNING PUMPKINS

FAN ART GALLERY SOME FANGTASTIC ART!

INTERVENTION WITH A VAMPIRE BY ELVIS KUNESH Flecks of meat and blood spray cross the bathroom tile as a harrowed corpse of a vampire flosses between his sharp teeth, squinting into the mirror before him. There is no reflection, save for a floating strip of floss and the splattered crumbs of his victims. He curses, “I tells ya, the one thing I didn’t expect to get worse with eternal damnation was flossing. Joshua, do I gots anything in my teeth?” A sunken mess of skin, bone, and teeth leaps across the room at him. He screams, but too late. Tooth cuts flesh and slurps up the second-hand plasma inside. Slowly, faintly, a ghostly image appears in the mirror. The transparent reflection of a second vampire feeding from his own kin grows clearer with every drink. Joshua pulls his bloodied lips away, looks into the mirror, and meets his own eyes for the first time in eight centuries. “What have I done?”

JOSHUA HAS BEEN A VAMPIRE FOR 813 YEARS. HE CURRENTLY WORKS THE NIGHT SHIFT AT BURGER KING. A sign that reads ‘Closed for Special Event’ adorns the doorway of the 24-hour fast-food chain. Inside, the lights are dim and the ovens are clean. A half-dozen people circle the room with Joshua at its center, dressed in his work outfit. “So, do I still get paid for tonight?”

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“No, Joshua. You know why you’re here,” warns Dr. Fingers; a man armored in tweed, cokebottle glasses, and a bowtie. The others in the room watch as he fumbles through his duffle bag. Joshua snorts, his fangs at the ready. Dr. Fingers shrugs, “There’s no need for aggression, Joshua. We’re just here to help.”

DR. EVERETT FINGERS HAS BEEN TREATING MONSTERS, DEMONS, AND THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT FOR 20 YEARS. “So, you all think I’ve got a problem. Is that it?” Joshua barks at the surrounding circle. The faces familiar, eyes filled with judgment. The first to speak is Albert, who tends to a nasty neck wound. He snarls, “I’ll say, you tooks a chunk outta my necks like I was a freakin’ ripe tomato!” “Pfft, I was just sick of hearing you talk.” Joshua looks to the floor and kicks his feet like a punished child. “Anyways, I’ve bitten you plenty of times. Why’s this time any different?” “Because you fed, Joshua,” says Dr. Fingers. “You fed on another vampire. Vicariously tasting their last victim in concert with the cold blood of your own kind. A crimson cocktail that makes for quite the potent poison.”

VAMPIRE’S BLOOD IS A TOXIC HALLUCINOGEN THAT IS LETHAL TO MOST CREATURES. THOSE WHO CAN SURVIVE IT WILL EXPERIENCE AN INTENSE HIGH, NOT UNLIKE A DAVID BOWIE CONCERT. “Tell us, Joshua,” Fingers continues. “Have you experienced any strange side-effects?” Joshua looks away from the Doctor. Fingers prods further, “Visions of white light, feelings of redemption, temporary reflection of the soul? Stop me if this sounds familiar.” “Enough. I get it. I’m playing with fire. It’s not healthy. Yes, yes…” Joshua trails, looking at everything but a pair of eyes. “But it’s just once in a while. What’s the big fuss? It’s not like it’s hurting anyone.” “Um, hello?” chimes Albert. “It’s hurting you, Joshee,” comes the lilting voice of Violet. She is a bosomy vampress with long, twisty, glue-on nails that she uses to brush her hair clean of spiders. “You’re not the monster we’ve come to know anymore. You’ve got a spring in your step. Color in your cheeks!” “Why are you even here Violet? We haven’t dated for like, two-hundred years,” snaps Joshua. He glares at Violet as she grabs the hand of a small child. “And did you bring your new shiny boyfriend just to rub it in my face? How many halves your age is he anyway? You should be ashamed!”

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“Watch your mouth boy, I’ve been around since the dark ages,” speaks the child. The boy is Pavlis, an ancient vampire bitten at the age of nine. “I’ve seen this kind of behavior before, Joshua. The vampire feeding is just a part of the puzzle. Your bloodlust is through the roof. Drinking more humans, dogs, cats, whatever you can get your fangs on. Pretty soon you’ll start biting yourself.” Joshua absent-mindedly scratches his forearm. He scoffs, “And how would you know, Small Fry?” Pavlis pushes Violet’s hand away and pulls back his sleeve. His frail child’s arm is ravaged with scars of fang punctures. “I’ve been there.”

A VAMPIRE FEEDING ON ITS OWN BLOOD WILL SLOWLY DETERIORATE IN INTELLIGENCE AND PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. EVEN A SUAVE, SOPHISTICATED TOM CRUISE VAMPIRE CAN DEVOLVE INTO A MINDLESS, SLOBBERING ROBERT PATTISON. “Can I say something?” All eyes turn to Mike Sevinski, a burly, mustachioed man with permanent pit stains. “Are you guys going to kill me?”

MIKE IS THE NIGHT SHIFT MANAGER OF THE BURGER KING. UNTIL NOW, HE HAD NO IDEA THAT VAMPIRES EXISTED. “Of course not, Mike. That would be grounds for dismissal, and Joshua needs this job,” explains Dr. Fingers. “Now why don’t you go on and tell Joshua how you feel.” “Well, gee, Josh. I don’t know where to start,” fumbles Mike. “I guess I’m sorry for scheduling you to all those morning shifts.” Joshua bolts up from his chair, “This is ridiculous! I’m not gonna sit here and take advice from you circus freaks. I don’t need this intervention! Find something else to intervene!” He stomps toward the doorway. “I can’t let you leave yet, Joshua,” says Fingers, with a disapproving digit waggling in Joshua’s face. “First you have to admit you have a problem.” Joshua fumes, “I admit it! I’ve got a problem. I’ve got a problem with your dirty finger in my face, doc! Now will you get out of my way?” “Nope. That’s just step one.” Dr. Fingers lifts a cross to Joshua’s face. The vampire reels, his skin sizzles as he lurches backward. “Step two is admitting there is a higher power.”

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“Put it away! Put it away!” cries Joshua. The Doctor sheathes his weapon as the vampire returns to his seat. “So you’re going to torture me, huh? Why don’t you just kill me then?” “Because we’re trying to save your life. Or, death, rather,” muses Fingers. “These people care for you. It’s time to make a choice, Joshua. You can check yourself into rehab and get the help you need. Or you can walk away, and further pursue your path of personal destruction.”

JOSHUA IS FACED WITH AN ULTIMATUM. IF HE GOES TO REHAB, HIS FRIENDS WILL SUPPORT HIM. IF HE DOESN’T, THEY WILL CUT OFF ALL TIES. “Why are you doing this to me? I’m not worth this fuss!” Joshua fights back tears as he listens to the encouraging words of his friends; ‘We love you,’ ‘Take control of yourself,’ and ‘please don’t eat me.’ Bloodstained tears seep from Joshua’s dry eyes. He covers his face in shame. Violet gets up and moves toward him, her arms outstretched. “Oh, Joshee!” “No!” Joshua smacks her away, his face ravenous with teeth. She hits the floor as Joshua backs himself into a corner. “Leave me alone! Don’t look at me!” Gasps fill the room as Joshua rips the sleeve from his uniform; his exposed flesh covered in fresh puncture wounds. He takes his arm in his jaws and feeds on his own blood. Gurgling he shouts, “Don’t look at me!”

THE INTERVENTION TAKES A TURN FOR THE WORSE. JOSHUA HAS FALLEN OFF THE WAGON. All take cover as Joshua slurps the life out of his pickled arm. Only Dr. Fingers approaches with an eerie calm. He waits for Joshua to take notice of him. He gestures above the door to the round security mirror. “Joshua. Look at yourself.” Joshua’s image faintly reflects in the security mirror. The vampire stares at himself, his selfinflicted wounds, and the people he loves huddled in fear. He takes the arm out of his mouth. “I’m sorry.” Joshua turns to all of them, pure tears in his eyes now. “I’m sorry. I just can’t stop on my own. I need your help. I want your help.” Joshua is met with the embrace of the entire circle. “I want to be better. For you guys. For me.” A loud knocking comes from the door. Outside, a sullied man with a feverish neck beard raps

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on the glass. He squints inside with a smoky gaze and asks, “Dude are you guys open? I’m starving.” “You can say that again,” Joshua says to the man with a devilish smirk. He turns to his support group and is met with approving nods. He looks to Dr. Fingers for approval. Dr. Fingers thinks it over before nodding slowly, “I suppose it would be good to get some natural food in your system.” Joshua smiles as he makes his way to the door. Everyone watches as he rips the man’s esophagus from his throat. Albert grins. Violet and Pavlis hold hands. Mike stands in a puddle of his own urine. “I think our boy’s going to be all right,” chimes Dr. Fingers, as he packs his bag. “My work here is done.”

JOSHUA IS CURRENTLY MAKING GREAT PROGRESS IN REHAB. HE IS EXPECTED TO BE TERRORIZING THE NIGHT AGAIN VERY SOON. IF YOU KNOW A VAMPIRE, MONSTER, OR DEMON IN NEED OF HELP, PLEASE CONTACT INTRICKORTREATMENT@FAMOUSMONSTERS.COM

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BY ANDY GREENE When FDR uttered the immortal line: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” he clearly had not tangled with a crocodile, stumbled upon a King Cobra, or swam with a Great White shark. FDR was probably off his meds. Many horror films, if not all of them, take cues from the real world, from the examples of terror that Mother Nature has created. What can we conclude from this? Mother Nature is clearly hates the human race. How else can you explain vampire bats and piranhas? The world is a horrible place full of deadly, terrifying creatures. Many people are terrified of spiders, many fear snakes (Indiana Jones is perhaps the most famous snake hater), some can’t dip a toe into a pool because of Steven Spielberg’s JAWS. There are those that are scared of absolutely everything, and lastly, there are the foolish few who say they fear nothing at all. But we all know their full of it. Personally, I find the dead eyes of goats and sheep creepy as hell, I think that Ostriches and Emus are out to get me, and, like Indy, am not a big fan of snakes. So far, the animals and sea creatures that I have mentioned are the obvious ones, the ones we find almost every Friday night on the SyFy channel in giant B-movie fashion. Bears, sharks, spiders, snakes, alligators, piranhas... these are so prevalent in horror that the sight of irradiated monstrous versions of them (slightly) loses its impact. Here, in the Famous Monsters’ Faveorite Five, I’m going to freak you out about some OTHER real-life animals, made just for fans of horror and monsters. Animals that shouldn’t exist, but do. These “monsters” troll under the depths of the sea, soar across the open skies, and hunt in the dense jungle right here in the real world. FULL MOON - OCT 2012

THE BOX JELLYFISH

Some Jellyfish are alluring and some are beautiful. But they’re also undeniably eerie, almost alienlike (BRAIN FROM THE PLANET AROUS, anybody?), with a supernatural ghost vibe, floating underwater with a myriad of tentacles, watching, waiting. These deadly drifters roam mostly in the waters surrounding the Australian and Indonesian portions of the Pacific Ocean, but there are species in Hawaii and Florida that can cause heart failure. Snorklers beware. The Box Jellyfish, or the Sea Wasp/Marine Stinger, has the deadliest venom in the world. The 10 foot long creature has 24 eyes (anything that doesn’t have two eyes automatically gets horror points), and a ton of tentacles, each one packing 5,000 stinging cells. Many have enough venom in their tentacles to kill 60 humans, let alone measly little you. The venom is activated by contact with fish, shellfish, and humans, and can consume your skin, devastate your nervous system, and cause heart attacks. Many victims die at sea before they can reach safety. If you encounter a Chironex fleckeri box jellyfish, you should just give up. A sting from one can kill you in less than three minutes -- the length of a single commercial break. Dozens of people, perhaps even 100 or more, die each year from the many types of box jellyfish that can be found in all of Earth’s oceans. If you’re in the Phillippines, stay indoors, as 20-40 a year of the previous figure come JUST from that area. The numbers may be even higher, because the box jellyfish is mostly prevalent in water bodies near cultures that don’t require death certificates. If you’re a turtle, however, then you’re in luck. Sea turtles are unaffected by the tentacles and their venom, and they even eat the box jellyfish. So, if you’re a diver and want to menace the spaghetti serial killer of the sea, make like Nemo and ride that puppy (er, turtle) to safety. RUNNER UP: THE LION’S MANE JELLYFISH. It’s not as dangerous as the box jellyfish, but picture a jellyfish that has tentacles up to 120 feet long and you’ll know why I seriously considered it. Its sting is rarely fatal, unless it causes you to drown, which is kind of the freakiest thing about this. If you’re underwater and get stung, a few moments of paralysis is all it takes to cause a permanent trip to Davey Jones’ locker. 12

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THE FRILL SHARK

You’d think with a name like “Frill Shark,” this may be a shark you can chill with, or at least make fun of its fashion sense. Take one look at what it above and I think you’ll reconsider. Remember, anything with shark in the title tends to be dangerous. The Frill Shark, or Frilled Shark, may or may not be dangerous to humans, we don’t know because they are so rarely found alive. But they live, and lurk, deep down in the Ocean’s depths. Consider that the Frill Shark is called “the living fossil” and is compared to the Loch Ness monster. In fact, it may have spawned the entire “sea serpent” mythos, since it possesses the skills of an eel and snake in a shark’s body. The Frill Shark is a part of a primitive species of shark that has remained much the same over millions of years. Clearly, evolution got this baby right from the get go, and it didn’t need to change to survive. It’s dangerous enough as it is. The Frill Shark’s mouth runs completely to the end of its head, allowing for 300 teeth in 25 rows. While it only reaches up to 6 feet in length, it is believed to trap its pray by contorting its body and lunging at you like a snake. Its long, flexible jaw, like an alligator’s, allows it to swallow its prey whole, with the aforementioned teeth preventing its victim from escaping. It may not be as big or as daunting as the great white, but it’d still make the ocean turn a bit yellower if one of them was heading my direction. FULL MOON - OCT 2012

CANDIRU

I know what you’re thinking. This guy is nuts. What’s scary about a little minnow-y looking fish? Well, first hint. It’s a fish in the Amazon, and we all know that everything in the Amazon is way worse than anywhere else. Then, look at the next picture:

That’s an x-ray with the Candiru, or vampire fish, INSIDE someone’s urethra. This parasitic catfish normally just feeds on the gills of larger fish, but has been known to lodge itself in the urethras of men and women. They can only reach up to 6 inches long, but that doesn’t make the thought of this fish entering your penis while taking a swim in the Amazon (DON’T DO THIS) any more pleasant. Plus, since it’s tiny and practically transparent, it makes it almost impossible to spot underwater. Once inside, the Candiru then feeds on the host’s blood and organs, its body swelling inside yours. Human corpses with over 100 candiru inside it have been found in the Amazon. If you’re boyfriend is being a jerk, threaten a Candiru vasectomy. 14

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GOLIATH TIGERFISH

LOOK AT ITS TEETH. That’s probably enough, but I’ll say a bit more. Most of the time you can take a cue from the name of the animal to know not to screw with it. Take this fish, for example. Not only does it have “goliath” and “tiger” in there, it’s also nicknamed the “demon fish.” The river wretch can get to up to 5 feet long and weigh 150+ pounds. Its quick, powerful, and is the only fish that doesn’t fear the crocodile. In fact, it eats smaller crocs. The tigerfish stalks in turbulent waters to attack prey when they are at their weakest, putting its great vision and massive teeth to good use. They have been known to slash 60 pound catfishes in half and have even attacked humans from time to time.

TARANTULA HAWK

Many people are afraid of spiders, and even they can’t do anything against the Tarantula Hawk, which isn’t a bird. No, it’s much worse. It’s a massive wasp that hunts tarantulas to feed its larvae. The above picture looks like a screenshot from a horror movie. These Tarantula Hawks capture, sting, and paralyze tarantulas (arachnophobics unite!) then drag it back to their burrow, where an egg is placed inside the spider’s chest. When the baby wasp hatches, it eats through the spider, avoiding vital organs so as to prolong the process, toying with the Tarantula, until it’s finally ready to emerge, ALIEN-style. FULL MOON - OCT 2012

DEALING WITH

LYCANTHROPY BY ELVIS KUNESH

Every day thousands of Americans struggle with a debilitating disease that keeps them awake at night and puts their health at risk. It is a sickness they keep hidden from their loved ones, frightful of the rejection and disgust it would result in from the outside world. A monstrous infection that literally tears them up inside. Some venture so far as to call it a curse. If you or someone you care about is afflicted with Lycanthropy, it is important to know that this condition is not terminal and that you are not alone. Many Americans diagnosed with Lycanthropy lead normal, healthy lives full of love, laughter, and successful careers simply by choosing to live within the confines of their condition. Yes, your life will change. But that doesn’t mean that your life is over. Firstly, if you suspect you’ve been infected with Lycanthropy DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE FULL MOON TO FIND OUT! This is incredibly dangerous and could result in the deaths or fatal injuries of you, your loved ones, and/or innocent bystanders. The initial outbreak is far too powerful to control, as your bloodlust and sex drive will skyrocket. It is best to find out beforehand to prepare safety measures for your first transformation. The following are questions you can ask to tell if you might be infected:

• • • • • •

Was I recently bitten by a wolf? Has my body hair gotten thicker, coarser, darker? Do I smell better? (Your nose) Do I smell worse? (Your odor) Do I have increased physical stamina and strength? Do I often find excuses to take my shirt off? FULL MOON - OCT 2012

One sure-fire test is to go to a pet store. If you find that all the dogs howl and all the cats hiss simultaneously, you are most likely a Werewolf. If you are concerned about this test because you have pet allergies, congratulations! That will no longer be an issue for you. So now that you know you are Lycanthropy Positive, it’s important to read these next steps as you learn to live with your condition:

#1: MAINTAIN A REGULAR

SLEEP SCHEDULE, DIET, and EXERCISE This is always good advice, but it’s imperative for those affected with Lycanthropy. You should keep a regular sleep schedule, waking at dawn and going to bed early in the evening, just after sunset. You want to avoid the night as much as possible, as the moonlight affects your animal instincts. And being caught in the full moon will be a disaster. Make certain to keep a schedule of your ‘time of the month’ and to lock yourself alone in a sturdy room with no windows. A lock on the door is a must, as in your transformed state you will not be able to effectively manipulate a lock and key. Diet and exercise come into play in regards to keeping your animal rage on an even keel. By eating a nutritious, balanced diet and exercising regularly you won’t be craving to fulfill these urges upon the outbreak. This will make you more likely not to break down your door, run amok, and eat people.

#2. AVOID SILVER This one is fairly obvious but you’d never suspect how many people overlook it. As a Werewolf, silver is fatal. Being shot with a silver bullet or stabbed with a silver blade can end your life, and even being near it can cause painful illness. As such, make sure to throw out all of your silverware. You’ll be dining with plastic utensils from now on. If you’re concerned about the environment, you can purchase a wooden set. Those are only dangerous to Vampires. And to hell with those guys.

#3. INVEST IN AN

ELECTRIC GROOMER Those disposable CVS blades won’t cut it anymore, literally. The reinforced hair follicles are much too tough upon the spread of Lycanthropy through the bloodstream. By using an electric groomer you’ll bypass the danger of getting in-grown hairs and skin rashes, which are much more painful with a breakout of Werewolf hair. Really it’s best to avoid shaving to the skin and opt for trimming instead, giving yourself the permanent 5 o’clock shadow. And don’t wax. NEVER wax.

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#4. GET A NICE PAIR

OF STRETCH PANTS Let’s be honest, even the most effective protection only works 99.9% of the time. You will not control every transformation and it is very likely that you will get out. Though your conscience will be consumed with the guilt of massacring dozens of innocent people, let’s save yourself the extra embarrassment of waking up in the middle of nowhere, covered in blood and entrails AND being naked on top of that. The most well-known Wolfmen almost always maintained their dignity by trusting their legs to a good pair of britches. It’s been rumored that celebrity spokesman and affected Lycanthrope Hugh Jackman manages to cover up with a designer wolf’s mane thong. Google it. But for those of you with a bit more modesty, make sure to look for whatever brand the HULK wears. You know the ones with extra elastic in the waistband -- comfort and security all in one pair of pants.

#5. BE OPEN WITH

YOUR PARTNER One of the most difficult things about being diagnosed is being honest about your condition with your friends, family, and loved ones. Confessing may be daunting; rejection, disgust, and anger are often very real reactions people have to news of the disease. However, this is simply because they are uneducated on the condition. Share with them the information you’ve learned here and make sure to explain that it’s okay to lead a healthy, full life with Lycanthropy. Be open about your own concerns and try to get them to see it from your point of view. True, you will likely lose some friends after this, but you can always eat them if they’re going to be mean about it. It’s especially important to tell those you are engaged in a sexual relationship with, as they are at high risk to become infected. In order to not spread the reach of Lycanthropy, you must take precautions to maintain safety in your continued sexual encounters: Keep your finger and toenails cut short to avoid scratching (this is good advice for anyone, really), make sure your partner has a trace amount of silver or animal tranquilizers on hand should you get too riley. You may also want to consider purchasing a muzzle to wear during romantic escapades. Then again, for some, danger is a turn-on. Remember you are NOT a monster. You are a person. Who just happens to turn into a werewolf every now and again. And that’s okay. You may find yourself shunned by society, but be aware that there are support groups online willing to talk and hear you out. Though it may be a tough life to adjust to, there’s no reason you can’t be happy. Just like living, there are plenty of ways you can find love with Lycanthropy. Dog lovers. Blind people. Furries. The world is just as sick and twisted as you are, after all.

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FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER vs DRACULA

The stands had never been so full. The Universal battles were always the most popular, and one as epic as Frankenstein’s Monster versus Dracula was no exception. The FM Overlords had foreseen this, and had created a spectacular setting for the fight. The length of a football field, a giant metal arena floated in the center of Castle FM’s courtyard. On its surface was built a fantastic black and white environment, recreating the magic of the great Universal monster sets of old with bubbling dry ice, dark ground, and unseen horrors all around. A house-sized reproduction of a castle -- maybe Victor’s, maybe the Count’s, it doesn’t matter -- looms over the Monster’s head as he stands at the gates. Bats flew overhead. Could one of them be Dracula? Nay, Dracula hung behind, shrouded in mist, observing the creature. But not for long. Dracula came at the Monster in wolf form, with speed overwhelming, knocking them both into a conveniently placed open grave. Frankenstein’s Monster grunted, waving his massive arms, dashing the wolf against the dirt walls of the hole. At a disadvantage, the wolf shape shifted back to the Count, his cloak rippling in the wind, his pale face brighter than the moon’s. 24

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In an instant, Dracula was at Frankenstein’s throat, tearing out his neck bolts with his teeth. Dusty, coagulated blood gurgled out of the Monster’s putrid body. Dracula would find no sustenance from the Monster, but didn’t have time to be disappointed as the giant threw him from the grave with a bellow. Climbing out of the pit, Frankenstein’s Monster looked out, but Dracula had disappeared. A group of bats shrieked at Frank’s Monster, biting and chattering at the wretch. He smashed a few of the bats together like flies, distracting him as another of the winged beasts morphed into Dracula. Covering Frank in his cloak, Dracula spun him into a tombstone, tearing it asunder. Dracula leapt on the Monster in a flash, ripping its right arm out from its socket, unraveling Victor’s incredible needlework. Frankenstein roared and, with its remaining hand, found a grip around Dracula’s neck. The strength was awe inspiring, and Dracula’s resulting struggles did nothing, his hands clawing at borrowed body parts, and the Monster’s death grip held. In a final fit of rage, Frankenstein lifted Dracula’s writhing body and impaled it upon a tall, thin tombstone. DING! With Dracula completely incapacitated, the fight was over. FRANKENSTEIN WINS!

SARAH CONNOR vs VAMPIRELLA

As everyone knows, when Sarah Connor doesn’t know how to deal with something, she usually just shoots it to smithereens. Unfortunately for her, gunfire didn’t seem to be hurting her much. Actually, it didn’t even ruin her outfit. Bullets hardly slowed the daughter of Lilith down; in fact she was a blur, running circles around the mother of humankind’s savior and grabbing guns one by one, twisting them into useless macabre artwork. Fear flashed across Sarah’s face as she doubtlessly wondered it she had finally found something she couldn’t terminate. Vampirella shapeshifted into a bat, reappearing at Sarah’s side. Always prepared, Sarah threw holy water onto Vampirella, but the beauty just laughed. Garlic? Vampirella took a bite, looking queasy FULL MOON - OCT 2012

for a moment, but it was nothing that would ruin her day. “So much for vampire fiction,” Sarah muttered. Vampirella kicked Connor hard in the face, blood squirting from Sarah’s broken nose as she flew across the desolate wasteland environment simulated around them. Sniffing the intoxicating smell of blood in the air, Vampirella smirked and closed in on the poor woman. Always managing to have one more gun hidden on her person, Sarah whipped out a pistol and shot Vampirella in her considerable chest, stopping her in her tracks. Sarah grinned... until the wound began to heal. Lifting the woman off the ground, Vampirella began to drink, enjoying the spoils of the battle as Sarah’s life force got weaker and weaker, about to fade into nothing. DING! The accursed bell signaled the end of the fight, shattering the silence of the chilling moment. Sarah’s limp body crumpled to the ground as Vampirella sprouted her chiropteran wings and flew off over the cheering crowd of spectators.

ROBOCOP vs THE THING

Robocop had thought the streets of Detroit were bad. Well, the undulating monstrosity heading his way was a little worse, causing even Robocop had a hard time following its directives. “Come quietly or there will be... trouble...” Robocop exclaimed hesitantly. Still the strange beast approached. Robocop opened fire with his cobra assault cannon, but the bullets were just absorbed into the Thing. Becoming more human-like, the Thing mimicked the appearance of Robocop without the suit, Alex Murphy’s deformities exaggerated by the stretchy limbs, random appendages, and wacky eyes of the Thing. There was nothing Robocop could do but run. But Robocop doesn’t run. 26

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The Thing ballooned up to thrice its size and enveloping Robocop in its body, the future of law enforcement’s systems crashing one by one. “Isn’t the moon wonderful tonight?” Robocop asked just as he disappeared from view. The moon wasn’t out, not even FM’s simulated moon used in the Wolf Man’s battles, but it’s the thought that counts. Alex Murphy drew his last breath and Robocop shut down, defeated (at least until the remake).

FREDDY KRUEGER vs ASH

Freddy Krueger had done well in the tournament so far, clearly the fan favorite of each battle he had been in. But no one out-fan-favorites Ash... Ash lay in the FM Dreammaker™, a podlike device designed to influence and record a man (or monster’s) dreams. The jumbo screens hanging in the center of Castle FM’s courtyard displayed the dreamscape action for all to see. “Come to Freddy...” The King of Nightmares appeared in front of Ash. He looked Freddy up and down. His funny striped sweater, his stupid hat, his ridiculous claw, his ugly mug of a face... Ash just laughed. Freddy grinned and fell forward. “I’m your boyfriend now, Ash.” This actually was a pretty scary thought, but before the oddity of it could sink in, Freddy lurched forward trying to rip out Ash’s entrails in one quick stroke. Ash blocked with his chainsaw arm, sparks flying on impact.

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Ash laughed maniacally as Krueger slumped to the ground. Ash had seen far worse things than this burn victim, and clearly wasn’t afraid of him in the slightest. That lack of fear was fatal to Krueger, who began to disappear... “That’s it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!” Ash shouted encouragingly. And with that, Freddy disappeared. Easy as pie. Ash awoke, alone in the arena, the adulation of the crowd echoing around him. He cracked a cocky smile, and nodded his chiseled chin to a nearby ladyfan, who promptly fainted as he walked off to find the afterparty.

KING GHIDORAH vs CTHULHU

As with all the Heavyweight bouts, spectators had to go for a little field trip to reach the chosen battlefields that could fit these behemoths. The battlefield chosen for this particular fight was the bubbly metropolitan that is...Boise, Idaho. Never had Boise witnessed such a battle of the titans. King Ghidorah had plowed through the competition thus far, eager to reach his arch enemy, but now faced the Lovecraftian being Cthulhu. The bronze, three-headed dragon, pulled Cthulhu toward him, using his mysterious tractor beam to draw the horrific octopus-dragon-giant chimera toward him. Why anyone would want Cthulhu closer to them is anyone’s guess, but King Ghidorah was unused to acting autonomously, and so acted stupidly. Cthulhu complied, its green eyes glowing menacingly, its tentacles twisting and turning, yearning for a chance to constrict and rip apart Ghidorah. As Cthulhu drew closer, it drew to its full grotesque height, its dragon-like wings outstretched, putting a shadow over Boise, King Ghidorah, and planet Earth. Ghidorah shot bright yellow gravity beams from all three of its mouths, flapping its golden wings, shaking the ground, and rumbling the heavens. The tremendous display of power and force and 28

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energy actually knocked Cthulhu over momentarily, and yet somehow it still seemed bigger and more fearsome once it recovered. Ghidorah didn’t stop, however, continuing to pummel Cthulhu with all the energy it could muster in its lightning beams. Cthulhu continued toward the dragon, withstanding unimaginable amounts of damage, its scaly hands reaching for Ghidorah’s many heads until finally one was in range. It grasped the King’s head with both arms and, as Ghidorah continued spewing yellow beams, Cthulhu tied it around another of Ghidorah’s necks. The energy had nowhere else to go but back down and Ghidorah imploded in a blinding burst of energy that leveled the entire town. Victorious, Cthulhu searched for the nearest depths in which to lurk until the time came for his next battle.

GAMERA vs GODZILLA

Gamera had run train through the monster’s brawl thus far, but had finally met his match with the king of kaiju, Godzilla. The pair faced off in the middle of the massive arena. Gamera took to flight, where Godzilla couldn’t follow. But Godzilla didn’t have to. Dorsal fins glowing, a formidable ray of neon blue shot from Godzilla’s jaws, colliding into Gamera’s shell. Gamera, however, fed on fire and heat, and the atomic breath merely charged him, replenishing his power. This, unfortunately for Gamera, gave him some unwarranted confidence, and he returned to the playing field, asking for more. Godzilla bull rushed the tortoise from hell, knocking him back momentarily. Recovering, Gamera shot flames through its tusked mouth at his opponent. But Godzilla proved resilient, charcoal gray/brown scales deflecting the brunt of the damage. Godzilla then smashed its spiked tail into Gamera’s chest, ripping through his belly, blue or green blood spurting out depending on what era you prefer. FULL MOON - OCT 2012

SKREEEEEEEEEEEONK!! Godzilla bellowed at the heavens. Gamera attempted to flee, to fly off, his legs receding in to be replaced by powerful fiery jets, but before he could, Godzilla grabbed him by his shell and crushed it against the ground. The ding of the victory bell sounded as Gamera’s shell separated from his body with a sickening pop, but was drowned out by another of Godzilla’s trademark roars.

THE DOCTOR vs DRACULA (christopher lee)

The massive arena, usually covered with whatever intricate environment the FM Overlords had decided to entertain us with, was empty, save for a coffin and the TARDIS. The police box opened, and the Doctor peered out. Dracula had already escaped the coffin, however, and was waiting for his entrance. Grabbing the Doctor by the throat, Dracula threw him back into the TARDIS, leaping in after him. And so, the battle took place within The Doctor’s time-traveling TARDIS, which had been outfitted with special FM Flux-cameras that had the ability to send their transmissions to any destination in the space/time continuum. Dracula attempted to mesmerize the Doctor, and the Doctor tried the same to Dracula, each to no avail. But Dracula’s hands were still at the Doctor’s throat... With a snap, The Doctor’s neck snapped, and Dracula threw his useless corpse to the ground. Making the mistake of turning away, Dracula didn’t see the Doctor regenerate in another person. This new Doctor quickly rose, drawing his sonic screwdriver. Sensing danger, Dracula whirled around just as the Doctor attempted to stake him with the sonic screwdriver. With mind-bending reflexes, Dracula grabbed the device and tossed it away. Momentarily 30

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weaponless, the Doctor was unprepared for the vampire’s following rush attack. In the blink of an eye, Dracula was feeding from the Doctor’s throat, his whole body quivering as the powerful blood coursed through his veins. Victory tasted good.

PREDATOR vs DR. PHIBES

It’s been said that the Predator is a master hunter and can kill anything. Strangely, Dr. Phibes wasn’t running, or even hiding. Curious, the Predator clicked furiously, the three circular red dots from its cannon in a triangular formation on Dr. Phibes’ face. But Dr. Phibes could not see the creature, hidden as it was amongst the many organs that made up the setting for this battle. While he could sense the nefarious alien presence, Phibes simply began to play the organ and sing softly. No longer amused, the Predator fired its plasma caster, ripping the iconic face of horror right off of the doctor. As the smoke cleared, a gruesome skull was revealed. His last vestige of humanity long gone, Dr. Phibes yet lived. To be more accurate, he was already dead. The creature shot a spear gun through Phibes’ chest, and still Phibes continued to play an eerie tune on the organs, unfazed. Coming out of its camouflage, the Predator jumped in for the kill and slashed his wrist blades across Dr. Phibes, throwing the seemingly feeble old man to the ground. But the abominable Dr. Phibes rose again, cackling at his attacker, heckling the Predator. Sand, scorpions, bees, locusts, ice winds, bats, and frogs formed an Egyptian cocktail at Phibe’s request, swarming and attacking the Predator as the doctor leisurely walked away, pining for Victoria. The Predator, upon seeing his enemy and target walk away unscathed, fell on his proverbial sword, which in this case was a very real ceremonial dagger for just such a shameful occasion. Plunging the blade deep into its heart, the last words the Predator would ever hear were those of Dr. Phibes declaring, “No force in all the world can stop us now!” FULL MOON - OCT 2012

BORIS KARLOFF AS THE MUMMY DAN SZCZEPANSKI

KING KON

G SIMON PA TEL

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N A M E L THE PA RKER RICK PA

TU A R E F S O N DERSON BLAKE AN

S R E T S N U THE M GE PA HEATHER

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PUMPKINHTZEAD ERIC SWAR

BORIS KARLOF

F AS ADAM

CHUCK KUNKLE

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RETURN

MARÍAJOSÉ MONTIEL

CASTAÑEDA

DORIAN GR RANDY BOW

SER

GODZILLA

NICK MOCKOVIAK FULL MOON - OCT 2012