parenting*
escaping the happiness
TRAP
ALLOWING OUR CHILDREN TO PROCESS THE EMOTIONS OF BEING DISAPPOINTED IS NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING, WRITES CHRISTY HERSELMAN
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ne of the most beautiful and heart-breaking movies I have ever watched was The Pursuit of Happyness starring Will and Jaden Smith. The true story of a San Francisco salesman struggling to build a life for himself and his fiveyear-old son, it is the name of the film rather than the storyline which has stayed with me as I raise my own children and work with families in various aspects of parenting. And it has stayed with me as a warning rather than encouragement, because the pursuit of happiness can be a dangerous thing. We often see T-shirts telling us to “Do what makes you happy!” and we think that happiness should be the goal for ourselves and our kids. But happiness is illusive and when
we pursue it as a constant state of being, we chase an ever-moving horizon. The reality is that life is not always happy. Social media feeds the illusion that we should be living our best lives every day, riding a wave of achievements, celebrations, amazing meals and unforgettable trips. But some days just suck. Sometimes we go through periods of incredible hardship. Sometimes we hate our jobs or our marriages break down. When we (and Instagram) teach our children that they should be happy all the time, we are not equipping them to the reality of life’s ups and downs. Last week I was chatting to a mom whose son had not been selected for a sports team he had worked very hard to make. This is a high-achieving child who succeeds in many
The Chat
fields. The experience of disappointment was not something he experienced often. What struck me in this conversation was how his mom was trying to find ways to cushion the blow, reasons why it was a good thing he had not been selected. My loving advice to my friend was to simply say to her child, “This time you didn’t make it. Well done for putting yourself out there and trying,” and to allow her child to process the emotions of being disappointed. The reality is that much disappointment lies ahead for this and every child: job promotions they won’t get,
The Chat is a culture-shaping movement which exists to start conversations and impart accurate information around issues like sex, identity, social media and pornography. The Chat believes that if these issues are left unaddressed, they threaten to derail a generation. The Chat was founded and is led by Christy Herselman, and is overseen
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relationships that won’t work, friends who will let them down. Life is a gloriously messy mixed bag of experiences and emotions. So let’s not fool ourselves or our kids that life will always be happy. Let’s rather live wholeheartedly where we find ourselves. Instead of pursuing happiness, let’s pursue purpose: put ourselves out there, try new things, serve others, do what is right, love unselfishly, process pain, develop our talents and take time to invest in others. The beautiful by-product of this kind of life is joy, which comes from within and spills out into the world around us.
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by The Table Church in uMdloti. Christy has a background in journalism and teaching. She has written two books and currently divides her time between researching, writing, speaking and being a wife and mom. She lives in uMdloti with her husband Brad and her children Emily, Ryan and Blake. Please contact Christy on info@thechat.co.za or visit www.thechat.co.za for more info.
