MARY CLOSNER
Rants & RAVES
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Mary Closner lives in Northfield, making bad decisions so you don’t have to. Reach her at 1964minx@gmail.com.
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want to be reincarnated as my dog. Or one of my friend’s dogs. Because who has a better life than the pooches we all know?! No job, no bills and you get to sleep 22.5 hours a day. You don’t need to commute or drive to the grocery store. You have people for that. You don’t have to wear pants and you get to poop wherever you want. And did I mention, the entire floor is like a constant free snack buffet?! I ask my sister’s dog (Axel) all the time, “Why can’t you do ANYTHING?” The dogs in the movies pull people out of fires and warn folks when they’re about to have a seizure. Some dogs even bring people teeny barrels of liquor when they’re stuck in the snow, which is almost a daily occurrence here in the Midwest. Has Axel ever brought me a margarita? Nope! Axel can’t even figure out the names of our family members. “Go see Mary” seems to mean go to the front door and bark like you’re on fire. And remember that word “ball” we’ve said thirty-seven hundred times? That’s the thing we throw for you in the yard at least a gazillion times a day. Does that word sound even remotely familiar? I would love a world where I don’t ever have to remember anyone’s name. It would save me dozens of uncomfortable public scenarios where I try to cover the fact that I can’t for the life of me remember where we met or why you look kinda familiar. I have friends whose dogs were models for the Target Halloween ads. They dressed as hot dogs and chickens and earned a nice paycheck. We take Axel to the vet ($532) and buy his food ($99) and get him a squishy new bed ($129), and what thanks do we get? He throws up in the house the day after the carpet is installed. Sure, he could have done this anywhere in the damn house the day before, and we would have been fine. But no, the new carpet is so inviting and so luxurious. It just had to be christened. I used to dream of coming back in my next life as an otter. I enjoyed the thought of eating shellfish off my own stomach while constantly repelling water, but now, I think a dog is the way I wanna go. I brush our canine family member constantly. I
take him for rides, so he can hang his head out the car window and let the fresh air blow through his satellite-sized ears. When my pals come to the house, they don’t bring me a hostess gift, but they always seem to have something for Axel. And why are there better choices for clothing for the dog than there are for tall women? He has practically an entire aisle of apparel op-
wanna be my
dog
dentist unless I beg for it. Axel goes in and takes a nap, while they perform all sorts of humiliating tasks on him ($425). I have to drink gallons of liquid chalk and basically be wide awake when I hear my doctor exclaim, “Sorry, tight corner” during my colonoscopy. Where are my drugs? Dogs get to wear the same thing — every day. That’s my dream. No underwire bra or control-top pantyhose for Axel. He’s ready to go the minute he gets up in the morning. His sunrise routine isn’t comprised of trying to create a hairdo that will be passible in public. His hair only gets washed when he has a spa day ($48) and someone else will even give him a pedicure while he relaxes ($12). I have to run. I’m going to wash Axel’s XL travel kennel ($225) and make sure his pillows ($25) are arranged properly so he can have his Kong toy ($13.95) full of kibble and peanut butter ($9) before bed. It’s all just so unfair.
tions, and I get like three choices that were basically designed for drag queens. People even baby talk to him, kiss his snout and coo about how handsome he is. I get the occasional public side hug from a mask-wearing person I can’t even identify. I don’t like cleaning, but I do it. Filling the dishwasher is the worst, but I do that too. What’s Axel doing? Oh, he’s sitting on his special sheepskin ($119), eating a Busy Bone ($9.95). Later, he’s headed outside to patrol for squirrels and sit in the sun. You know what’s on my schedule later today? I’ll be cleaning up the little gifts he left in the backyard. Maybe once he could go get the mail for us? His excuse of not having thumbs is really getting old. Or, maybe he could carry some groceries from the car instead of running through my legs and trying to trip me … every single time. And for the love of all things holy, why can’t he brush his own teeth? I can’t get anesthesia at my
NORTH MORRISTOWN’S 129TH ANNUAL 4TH OF JULY CELEBRATION
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frienDs of the Guthrie is lookinG for neW members.
The oldest 4th of July Celebration in Minnesota! 9AM • Events Begin & Stands/Games are open! 10AM • Parade 11AM • Patriotic Program 11:30AM - 6PM • Entertainment on Main Stage & Beer Gardens 12PM • Bean Bags 2:30PM • Bingo + Kids Bingo 4PM • Monroe Crossing (Main Stage) 7:30PM • T-Birds (Beer Gardens) 10PM • FIREWORKS! $2 Celebration Buttons are required for all events VISIT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FOR FULL LIST OF EVENTS & OTHER INFO www.facebook.com/nm4thofjuly 10500 215 St. W., Morristown, MN 55052
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J U LY 2 0 2 2 | W W W. S O U T H E R N M I N N SCENE. C O M
We are organizing bus trips from the area. We will attend four matinee performances during the 2022-23 season. please contact Dean at 507-351-2615 before July 5.
Performances are: Wed. september 28, 2022 Vietgone Wed. february 22, 2023 blues for an alabama sky Wed. may 10, 2023 hamlet Wed. July 5, 2023 into the Woods
YOUR GUIDE FOR PLACES TO GO AND THINGS TO DO.
