2019 Edition 5 by Farrago Magazine

cw/ = Content Warning cw/ = Content Warning

CONTENTS

00 28

43 00

00 62

4/ News in Brief 5/ Calendar 8/ Muslim MLS Student Accuses Faculty of Intimidation cw/ mentions of anti-Muslim

discrimination, Palestine-Israel conflict

12/ Employment Prospects 13/ GSA: The Election in Brief 16/ Gears Finally Turning on Bike Co-op Mudfest Regeneration from Aug 21-28 18/ Diversity Issues in UMSU International 20/ Alt-Right? Academics Break Ranks Over Ramsay Centre cw/ white supremacy 23/ Satire 24/ Office Bearer Reports

00 50

14/ 22/ 32/ 39/ 42/

28/ 31/ 34/ 35/ 36/

Sex & Stigma cw/ STIs, slut-shaming Living Well When You’re Unwell cw/ chronic illness Diaspora Dilemmas Kiss and Tell The History of the Dildo cw/ pornographic content,

sexism and misogyny

38/ 40/ 64/

Double Take Regulating Language cw/ Indigenous genocide For and Against

Photography by William Hunt Wash Dish by Elmira Cheung Standing on Thin Ice by Bethany Cherry Art by Giselle Martin Flash Fiction cw/ for 清明节: mentions death of a family member/ for Little Ghosts: alludes to death of children/for The carnage, the

cold: death, freezing

43/ 44/ 46/ 48/ 50/

my year on the dancefloor Paint to Poetry cw/ death, grief A Thing with Feathers Back Home cw/ familial and political LGBT discrimination Murakami’s Nightmare cw/ explicit fantasy violence, blood

and gore

52/ Studio Flat 53/ How to Emulate the Love Queens 54/ The Fairytale Gazette cw/ fantasy violence, death 56/ Lemon or Lime 58/ Messages 60/ What We Talk About When We Talk About Exile cw/

Refers to the 1990 Kashmiri Pandit ethnic cleansing. Mentions

murder, abduction, torture, brutal violence, rape and suicide.

62/

The Remarkable Quests of Raddish and Quill

COVER COVER ARTART BY SOMEONE BY TIFFANY SOMEONE WIDJAJA /

COLLECTIVE

THE FARRAGO TEAM Editors Katie Doherty Carolyn Huane Ruby Perryman Stephanie Zhang Contributors Lauren Berry Nurul Juhria Binte Kamal Madeleine Chetcuti Denis Curnow Adelle Greenbury Ailish Hallinan Esme James Emily Johnson Stephanie Kee Deeksha Koul Michelle La Catherine Lee Angelina Mazza Lucette Moulang Jemma Payne Sarah Peters Mannik Singh Catriona Smith Tharidi Walimunige Hannah Wu Mark Yin Fangying Zhou Subeditors Ruby Adams Vanshika Agarwal Daniel Beratis Clare Bullard Jessica Chen Bridie Cochrane-Holley Claire Thao Duong Nick Fleming Emma Hardy 4

Asher Harrington Ashleigh Hastings Stephanie Kee Tiia Kelly Wing Kuang Finbar MacDonald Marilla Marshall Sloan Amber Meyer April Nougher-Dayhew Ella Patrick Sarah Peters Yiani Petroulias Romios Ed Pitt Bella Ruskin Chiara Situmorang Carly Stone Greer Sutherland Alison Tealby Teresa Lin Teo Jing Xuan Taylor Thomas Finley Tobin Tharidi Walimunige Sophie Wallace Charlotte Waters Reina Wibawa Caitlin Wilson Lindsay Wong Freyja Wright Catron Allen Xiao Mark Yin Claudia Young Graphics Jennifer Luki Andreany Alexandra Burns Cathy Chen Bethany Cherry Elmira Cheung Van Ahn Chu

/ PHOTOGRAPHY BY SARAH PETERS

Abir Hiranandani William Hunt Sonia Jude Reann Lin Giselle Martin Hayley May Amani Nasarudin Stephanie Nestor Monique O’Rafferty Sarah Peters Anjana Ram Daniel Revesz Morgan-Lee Snell Charanja Thavendran Tiffany Widjaja Lucy Williams Esme Wang Timothy Wood Raymond Wu Meerna Yousif Yushi Wu Lizzy Yu Wolf Zimmermann Columnists Bethany Cherry Conor Clements Creative Literature and Writing Society (CLAWS) Jocelyn Deane Alison Ford Kaavya Jha Sarah Peters Veera Ramayah A’bidah Zaid Shirbeeni Iris Shuttleworth Lou Winslow Luke Rotella Social Media

Ashleigh Hastings Sarah Peters Cover Tiffany Widjaja Farrago is the student magazine of the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU), produced by the media department. Farrago is published by the general secretary of UMSU, Reece Moir. The views expressed herein are not necessarily the views of UMSU. the printers or the editors. Farrago is printed by Printgraphics, care of our very favourite Nigel Quirk. All writing and artwork remains the property of the creators. This collection is © Farrago and Farrago reserves the right to republish material in any format.

COLLECTIVE

EDITORIAL

e acknowledge Farrago is created on land that always has and always will belong to the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nations. This land is stolen and sovereignty was never ceded, and no acknowledgement is enough to give it back. We pay our respects to elders past, present and future, and to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, people who have been sharing stories and making art longer than anyone in the world. We thank readers for picking up our magazine and listening to what we have to say, and urge you to actively seek out, and listen to, the people whose land you exist on too. The campus has been a ghost town the last couple of months while we were putting Edition 5 together. It’s our busiest time of year right now with lots of media-related projects on the go—so a little bit of peace and quiet was probably necessary—but we’re so excited to have people in and out of the office asking us for stuff again with the new semester commencing. If you find yourself in Union House, come and say hello sometime! The media space and office is on Level 4, and our door is always open if you ever want to chat about getting involved or even just hang out or study with other like-minded media fanatics. And we’ve got a big, fuck off heater up here, and many teabags, so we can promise it’ll be a very cosy time. Thanks so much to everyone who submitted their wonderful work to Above Water 2019, the media and creative arts departments’ annual creative writing and art competition. We had so much fun going through all of the submissions and compiling the shortists, and Ruby is now all up in the layout process for the anthology. The launch of the publication will be happening as part of Mudfest on August 26, 6-9pm in the Ida Bar. So if you’re into poetry readings and free dranks and vegan snaccs, please come along! It’s so special when writers, readers and listeners alike get together to celebrate creativity. We can’t wait. If you’ve been chilling at home without a second thought about uni, you might want to catch up on all the things that have been happening on campus! The bike co-op is opening again and Mudfest will be launching very soon (pg. 16), and if you’re a graduate student, find out who your new representatives are from Lauren Berry and Emily Johnson on page 13. Read about one Muslim student’s experience with Law School higher-ups on page 8, or what’s going on with the notorious Ramsay Centre on page 20. If creative writing is the reason you’ve picked up the mag, make sure to read the winning entries of the Scroggin Prize 2019, from page 55. The prize was a collaboration between Farrago and the first year subject Creative Writing: Ideas and Practice, to encourage students to take their assessments beyond the LMS to print publication. Man, it’s a great time for creative writing on campus! If you’re here for the graphics, check out Giselle Martin’s sweet embroidery on page 38, and William Hunt’s shimmering photography spread on pages 14 and 15. Xoxo, Ruby, Caro, Steph and Katie

TAG CAMPUS

Content Warning:

NEWSININBRIEF BRIEF NEWS SURVEILLANCE TITLE LINK

UTS and Curtin University are currently reviewing funding and research procedures due to concerns over links to tech used to carry out human rights abuses against Uyghurs, in Xinjiang, China.

TITLE GLASS BRAWL Melbourne University Liberal Club member Benedict Kusay and former Liberal club president Xavier Boffa were involved in a dispute in Adelaide on 5 July. It culminated in Boffa allegedly TITLEthrowing a glass at Kusay’s head. Kusay has called on Liberal Party officials to draw a line in the sand and take action against Boffa, but Boffa will remain a LNP member for now, The Age reports.

HERE WETITLE SCAM AGAIN The AFP has issued a warning for the Chinese community, particularly international students, of telephone scams claiming to be from the ATO, Chinese Embassy, or Chinese public security officials.

PAY PROPERLY TITLE

Popular Chinatown restaurants Hochi Mama and Straight Outta Saigon have been accused of mistreating and underpaying their workers. Hospo workers protested the treatment on the night of July 16.

MYRIAD TITLE The People of Colour department’s annual publication Myriad is rolling again! Get your submissions in to

myriadmag2019@gmail.com

by 11 August. You must be a person of colour to submit.

TITLE ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

UNETHICAL TITLE SECURITY

Following multiple resignations by UMSU Officers and a subsequent by-election, Education Public Affairs Officer Cameron Doig has now also resigned. To force a casual vacancy,TITLE Charli Fouhy has also resigned from the office. All students are eligible to nominate to fill the casual vacany. Email the general secretary at secretary@union. unimelb.edu.au.

TITLE

RISE is currently in talks with the University of Melbourne to demand divestment from the detention industry and companies with ties to detention centres. The University currently employs MSS Security.

TITLE

NAIDOC 2019 The theme of this year’s NAIDOC week is ‘Voice. Treaty. Truth’. Staff and students attended the 2019 NAIDOC Week March to recognise First Nations Peoples and acknowledge how far we still have to go. Jacynta Krakouer, associate lecturer and PhD candidate at the University of Melbourne, wrote on Pursuit, the University’s research, teaching and engagement newsletter, “collectively, we are, as a nation, responsible for owning and accepting our history – the good, the bad and the ugly – just as other nations around the world, like Germany and South Africa, have owned their histories and their complicities in gross human rights violations. Here in TITLE TITLE TITLE Australia, we’re still reluctant to confront our truth. Australia is the only firstworld country to not have a treaty with its Indigenous peoples. “Our federal election in mid 2019 strangely skipped any conversations about Indigenous affairs. Victoria is in treaty conversations with First Nations traditional owners, but at a Commonwealth level, treaty conversations and the call for a Makarrata in the Uluru Statement from the Heart have been rejected. We’ve come a long way, but we have much further to go.”

/ ART BY SOMEONE SOMEONE

TITLE JUST A CASUAL WIN

After the NTEU sit-in on 8 May, sessional and casual staff at the University met with University management on 23 May. The University has agreed to two of the demands so far, agreeing to TITLE reimburse Working with Childrens’ Checks and to look for a solution to casual staff emails being cut off to ensure access will be extended past termination date linked to payroll.

DISHTITLE SERVICE

Union House now offers reusable dishes and a dish wash hub. Be sure to grab some of the reusable dishware or ask the vendor to use a reusable plate, then drop it off to get washed.

TITLE NEW PROGRAM FOR INDIGENOUS BUSINESS LEADERS The Melbourne Business School has launched a Graduate Certificate in Indigenous Business Leadership, the first of its kind. The six month program is aimed to TITLE address the significant gap in management education and build leadership skills and business practices in its students. The course will commence in February 2020.

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Content Warning:

CALENDAR CALENDAR :: AUGUST MONTH WEEK # 1

WEEK # 2

WEEK # 3

WEEK # 4

MONDAY 29 # ### JUL

MONDAY # 5 AUG ###

MONDAY MONDAY12 # ### AUG

MONDAY MONDAY19 # ### AUG

2pm: Ace+Aro collective 6:30pm: PoC film screening

TUESDAY 30 # ### JUL

TUESDAY 6 # AUG ###

TUESDAY TUESDAY13 # ### AUG

TUESDAY TUESDAY20 # ### AUG

12pm: WoC collective 12pm: Southbank Queer collective 1pm: Trans collective 1pm: Enviro collective 1pm: On Track & Syndicate 5pm: Welfare—Yoga

12pm: WoC collective 1pm: Trans collective 1pm: Enviro collective 1pm: On Track & Syndicate 5pm: Welfare—Yoga

12pm: WoC collective 12pm: Southbank Queer collective 1pm: Trans collective 1pm: Enviro collective 1pm: On Track & Syndicate 5pm: Welfare—Yoga

12pm: WoC collective 1pm: Trans collective 1pm: Enviro collective 1pm: On Track & Syndicate 5pm: Welfare—Yoga

WEDNESDAY # 31### JUL

WEDNESDAY # 7 AUG ###

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY14 # ### AUG

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY21 # ### AUG

12pm: Women’s collective 12pm: Welfare collective 1pm: Mudcrabs Rowdy Laughter 1pm: PoC collective 1pm: Queer Lunch

THURSDAY # 1 AUG ###

THURSDAY 8 # AUG ###

THURSDAY THURSDAY15 # ### AUG

THURSDAY THURSDAY22 # ### AUG

12pm: Queer PoC collective

12pm: Queer PoC collective 1pm: PoC in media collective 5pm: G&Ts with the LGBTs

12pm: Queer PoC collective

12pm: Queer PoC collective 1pm: PoC in media collective 5pm: G&Ts with the LGBTs

FRIDAY 2 # AUG ###

FRIDAY 9 # AUG ###

FRIDAY FRIDAY16 # ### AUG

FRIDAY FRIDAY23 # ### AUG

12pm: Mudcrabs Rowdy Writing 5:30pm: UMSU International Annual General Meeting

11am: University climate walk out 12pm: Mudcrabs Rowdy Writing

12pm: Mudcrabs Rowdy Writing

2pm: Ace+Aro collective

12pm: Women’s collective 12pm: Welfare collective 1pm: Mudcrabs Rowdy Laughter 1pm: PoC collective 1pm: Queer Lunch Mudfest opens!

/ ART BY SOMEONE SOMEONE7

/ ART BY DANIEL REVESZ

Has something happened on campus thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s made you mad? Did you hear about something dodgy? Or just have a story you think Farrago readers should know about? We want to bring you the best news possible. Let us know if you see or hear something you feel we should look into by emailing us at editors@farragomagazine.com or stephanie@farragomagazine.com. Confidentiality will always be upheld. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be afraid to speak up.

ART BY DANIEL REVESZ /

NEWS

Content Warning: mentions of anti-Muslim discrimination, Palestine-Israel conflict

Muslim MLS Student Accuses Faculty of Intimidation Nurul Juhria Binte Kamal and Stephanie Zhang report

elbourne Law School (MLS) student Asad KasimKhan has accused the MLS of misusing its power through intimidation and silencing. This accusation arose after his attempts at raising concerns with the Associate Dean and submitting an open letter to the Law students newspaper De Minimis. The article criticised what he saw as the MLS’s failure to address structural issues Muslim students face in the legal community.

A COMPLAINT RAISED It started when Kasim-Khan sent an email late last year to Professor Anna Chapman, Associate Dean of the MLS, raising concerns for Muslim students and the additional barriers they face when getting jobs. “My concern was that the Law School, because it holds itself to be the number one Law school, has the responsibility to, on our behalf, do something to address that issue of additional barriers for Muslims and other minorities,” said Kasim-Khan to Farrago. In the email, he provided an anecdote from his Muslim friend who was interning as a Clerk at a law firm. His friend was allegedly approached by a Jewish partner who declared his support for Israel and asked for his friend’s thoughts on the matter. This story was used as an example of the discrimination faced by Muslims in the legal sector. In addition to the anecdote provided, Kasim-Khan included general evidence to support his concerns; he pointed out that Muslims are demonstrably more educated than the average Australian in terms of qualifications and yet are less likely to get a job in the legal profession. He also referred to multiple studies showing that people with Muslim names are less likely to be interviewed. Kasim-Khan expected a response that would broadly address the issues that he raised. Instead, Chapman delved directly into the story Kasim-Khan shared and enquired on his friend’s personal details. Chapman also said the Law School has no role in the situation as the student is not from University of Melbourne. Unsatisfied with the response, Kasim-Khan replied with, “as a Muslim at MLS I expect that MLS will do something to ensure that this kind of behaviour is not tolerated nor supported and that it has expectations of law firms. Being the number one law school in Australia must come with responsibilities and i intend to publicly campaign for some level of effort on the part of MLS on this issue”. When Chapman responded, she warned Kasim-Khan of his tone without addressing the broader issues he raised. When he sought clarification, Kasim-Khan instead received an email from Dr Craig Bird, a Compliance and Grievance advisor, letting Kasim-Khan know that a complaint was filed against him by Chapman but no action will be taken. “I found the whole thing disgusting because obviously instead of engaging with my concerns at all, [Chapman] was just like, ‘I don’t like your tone’, and 10

/ ART BY BETHANY CHERRY

that was the end of it, which obviously plays into tone policing,” said Kasim-Khan. On 23 November 2018, Kasim-Khan received another email from Bird containing the documents detailing of the formal complaint. In response, Kasim-Khan appealed to Bird to lodge a formal complaint against Chapman using the same evidence provided by Chapman for his own complaint. Bird referred Kasim-Khan to UMSU Advocacy to assist him in formulating any of his grievances. However, Farrago understands this complaint against Chapman was never formally pursued. In this correspondence, Bird had brought up KasimKhan’s previous cautions issued by Academic Registrar about his online conduct to remind him of his record.

According to Kasim-Khan, this was an intimidation tactic to silence him. In his email, he wrote: “To my understanding, cautions are not significant since they do not amount to substantial misconduct. Therefore, they are not relevant here except to signal the University’s discomfort with something”. Bird responded with, “These reminders are issued to bring students’ attention to the University’s expectations of their conduct. They are not part of the formal student discipline process. However, they do indeed include relevant information about the University’s expectations”.

OPEN LETTER TO DE MINIMIS After his exchange with MLS higher-ups, Kasim-Khan wrote an article for De Minimis about his experience, in the form of an open letter. Through the article, KasimKhan called into question the way MLS staff addressed his concerns, writing in the draft: “Never-mind that my

concern in the email regarded systemic anti-Muslim racism and asked what MLS might do to combat it. When I reiterated this, the senior faculty member chose to police my tone instead of engaging with my concerns and made a formal complaint against me. The complaint was not actioned because it was meritless, but this was a clear attempt to silence me.” According to De Minimis editor-in-chief Anisha Thomas, the publication has a faculty policy implemented when articles are critical of MLS or its faculty, where faculty are sent the article and given a right of response. Kasim-Khan thus received correspondence from Bird and Chapman contesting the accuracy of some of the proceedings detailed in the original draft of the article. In

student—which again, was not my point, the story was to illustrate a point... she saw [asking about the friend] as trying to help, whereas again, I was talking about the broader issue.” “I wouldn’t even be writing an article if someone had just said, ‘I understand that you’re concerned, let’s talk about it’, and I’m sure that my expectations would have been managed away and there would have been no outcome, but that is still better than what she did, which is complain. Or what institutionally seems to happen is, intimidation….. The response should be to allay their concerns. You don’t necessarily have to change anything, but show empathy”. According to Kasim-Khan, MLS’s intimidation tactics to

her response, Chapman said the article “misrepresents and distorts the communications between myself and Mr Asad Khan regarding this issue”. Bird said Kasim-Khan’s accusations were “far-ranging, unspecific and not clearly articulated” and referred to the Student Conduct Policy and Academic Board Regulations. Bird also brought up warnings previously issued to Kasim-Khan by the Academic Registrar. He said, “I urge you to seriously think about whether seeking to publish inaccurate information of this kind may be in your best interest.” UMSU Advocacy advised Kasim-Khan contact from Bird was “unusual” and that “caution before responding further in writing would be prudent”. For Kasim-Khan, his intention of relaying the story was not to seek help for his friend, but rather broader issues of anti-Muslim discrimination in the legal community. He said, “throughout this whole process the focus was on the story and how the student wasn’t a Melbourne Law

weaponise misconduct behaviours have been effective. This is because MLS students would be required to submit a conduct report issued by the University if they want to be admitted as a lawyer after graduation. A friend of Kasim-Khan’s, who wishes to stay anonymous, also pointed out threats of misconduct proceedings are particularly effective. “The legal community is really small… when you graduate and you want to get admitted as a lawyer, you have to submit a conduct report that’s issued by the university. So any warnings, any complaints, anything, they’re all written on your conduct report”. Kasim-Khan suspects issues relating to his emails with Chapman are already on his record. “There is a strong incentive for people to not try to say what they think should change, or critique, or question things. Even if they do it in good faith,” he said. On April 14 2019, a petition began making the rounds on Facebook calling for the attention of University of 11

NEWS Melbourne’s law students, Muslims, people of colour and Melbourne Law School’s Student Society. The petition was created while Kasim-Khan was attempting to publish the article, claiming, “The University has tried to stop the article from being published in a way that relates the truth”, asking students against racism and discrimination to sign on. He said to Farrago, “It’s wrong that [when] people raise concern, the [staff’s] concern is that they’ve raised the concern, not with the actual concern itself. And then to silence those people is clearly wrong.” During this time, Kasim-Khan said the Graduate Student Association (GSA) reached out to him to provide support. He met with Fia Hamid-Walker, who at the time was Education and Research Officer, and said it was helpful and supportive. The GSA has not responded to Farrago’s request for comment at the time of publication. The article was published online on 7 May 2019, but in a “very watered-down form”, Kasim-Khan says. Through the article and petition, Kasim-Khan included four recommendations to the Law School, which were: “1. Ensure students leave MLS understanding the complexity and significance of issues of racism; 2. Invest in researching minority experiences of the law, including prison populations; 3. Empower minority students to make change so that MLS and the legal sector are welcoming and inclusive; 4. Target ethnic minorities in their complexity and take action to ensure the law does not discriminate against us.” His hope was that the Law School would engage with these recommendations in some way, and said his concern extends beyond Muslim students at the Law School. When Farrago spoke to him, he pointed out that for minority students studying at the Law School in the

“My concern was that the Law School, because it holds itself to be the number one law school, has the responsibility to, on our behalf, do something to address that issue of additional barriers for Muslims and other minorities”

meantime, it is difficult to voice concerns to the MLS staff. He hoped the recommendations would push the faculty to open a “permanent way of getting representative feedback from minorities” outside of the Law Student Society. However, the Dean never engaged with KasimKhan regarding the petition. He had emailed the Dean asking for a meeting to present the petition but it was disregarded and never seen through. 12

On April 17, Kasim-Khan sent an email to Pip Nicholson, Dean of MLS, to raise a complaint against Bird and Chapman. In the email, he highlighted Chapman’s inappropriateness in handling his enquiry and his rejection of the way Chapman has detailed the situation. “The emails are clear and alternative characterisations do not change a) the way that Prof Chapman made me feel, and b) the way that she rushed to make a complaint about me instead of engaging with me in good faith. This is despite the fact that I was and remain very clearly distressed,” wrote Kasim-Khan. Kasim-Khan shared his side of his story and requested to meet with the Dean of MLS and for the “scope of the drop-in sessions be broadened to include all students from minority ethnic backgrounds”. He also requested that Chapman and Bird be removed from having anything to do with the matter, and that “threatening emails from Dr Bird and MLS cease and that MLS and the University take this matter seriously and engage in good faith with both my complaints and my recommendations.” Kasim-Khan felt Nicholson’s response was impersonal and lackluster. Nicholson redirected Kasim-Khan to Maddy McMaster, Academic Registrar, and Evan Kritikakos, Director Students and Equity, for his complaints about Chapman and Bird and the Counselling and Psychological Services for his mental health concerns. There was a perceived disregard for the list of things that Kasim-Khan requested for. The formal complaint against Chapman and Bird was never formally pursued afterwards.

DROP-IN SESSION As a solution to allay the concerns of Kasim-Khan and the Muslim student body at MLS, the faculty decided to hold a lunch-time drop in session on 8 May 2019. According to Bird, the drop in session is an opportunity for the faculty to engage in conversations about issues of concern to Muslim students at MLS. Details of the sessions were shared on the JD newsletter disseminated through email and the LMS. According to Kasim-Khan, out of the 10 Muslim students in Melbourne Law School, only four showed up. “It was sort of hastily organised, and there wasn’t much clarity on what it was, like what [to] speak about,” said Kasim-Khan, “Also, they only organised after this whole thing with the article. My assumption is [they are doing it] to avoid getting in trouble.” Kasim-Khan’s friend said, “While the drop-in session was no doubt overdue, I think it showed that the Dean has a genuine interest in trying to accommodate for Muslim students studying law and who are seeking a career in the legal profession,” and they felt proporsals from the Muslim students were well received. During the session, senior members such as the Dean and associate deans were present for the discussion. However, the faculty members engaging in discussions relating to concerns and experiences of Muslim students doing law were all white and non-Muslim. When asked for a comment on the choice of panel members, Chapman referred Farrago to Matthew Harding, Deputy Dean of Melbourne Law School. “The Law School does not believe it benefits staff or students to engage with this matter any further,”

said Harding. Despite low turnout, Kasim-Khan viewed the discussion as a productive one. Discussion points included Muslim women who don the hijab feeling the pressure to remove it when applying for jobs, Muslim applicants changing their names to a white-sounding ones, Muslims juris-doctors choosing to avoid private practice as they assume that they will not succeed in the field.

“The Law School does not believe it benefits staff or students to engage with this matter any further”

sort of secular idea of religion in our society,” said KasimKhan, “The idea is very much a stand-in for Christianity, for instance. Where, when I’m speaking about issues of how it intersects with race, they quickly move it back to religious discrimination but, as far as i’m concerned, its much more complex than that.” Kasim-Khan’s friend said, “My experience in law school as a Muslim has been a weird one. I’m a woman but I don’t wear a hijab and I look white. Despite this I never felt like I belonged in law school, which is strange because I never had that feeling throughout my arts degree. Despite looking and talking like everyone else, I felt out of place culturally and sociopolitically. I think the cultural and social rift I experienced was a huge obstacle in allowing me to engage with this degree to the extent that other people are able to.” Kasim-Khan said that at the end of the session, Nicholson agreed to speak to deans of the Law School and heads of local law firms about the issues raised. “Her undertaking was sort of that she would talk about it which is a positive step. Hopefully it leads to some sort of change,” said Kasim-Khan.

SETTING UP A MUSLIM STUDENT BODY

Chapman was present but as per Kasim-Khan’s request, she was not to be involved in the discussion. In his view, Chapman has proven to be unknowledgeable on issues of critical race theory and equity. “My personal view is that she doesnt really understand anything to do with ethnic diversity as a sort of issue and the understanding even in the meaning of Islam or Muslim identity as beyond—and this is my own view—the

Moving forward, Kasim-Khan is looking to form a Muslim student body in Melbourne Law school which he aims to set up by the end of the semester. The group could be a starting point for Muslim students to raise their concernsand be a liason between students and the Law School. “The fact is, if you’re one person or two people, in a minority, you can’t form a group. You can’t insert yourself into that conversation and be really heard. From my experience, if you do try, you’re just going to get told that your tone is wrong,” he said.

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Employment Prospects Fangying Zhou on whether a degree guarantees your dream job

fter long hours of studying, sleepless nights, endless assignments and exams, successes and failures, graduation day feels surreal. It seems like in the blink of an eye, your entire university life is over, and it’s time for the next chapter. Many students turn to university programs that aim to provide resources and guidance to job seekers. However, these systems are not without fault, and raise questions as to how useful they are in practice. This anxiety is always hidden behind the euphoria of finishing your degree, because now you have to answer the question you have always asked yourself: What am I going to do? Having straight H1’s on your transcript won’t 100 per cent secure you a dream job. Employers now value the applicant’s practical experience in the relevant industrial field over their previous academic performance. Finding an internship or part-time job has since become an indispensable part of student’s plans towards their prospective career pathway. For most students who are lost in their journey towards finding employment after university, the first step they might take is to seek help from the university. The common careers resources provided by the University of Melbourne are “Careers Online” and “Employ Me”, which can be accessed through the LMS and student portal. According to Megan Dench, the manager of Careers & Employability, the former serves as an internal job board where employers can post advertisements for recruitment, which is freely available to students, but must adhere to the university’s terms and conditions. The latter is sourced directly from Indeed. com, and the employment opportunities listed are subject to the terms and condition of Indeed.com. This all sounds well and good at the face of it, and suggests that the University does offer a number of avenues and helpful resources to job seekers. However, when asking students about their experience using these services provided by the University, their responses are not often favourable. “I have tried it once,” said Dilpreet Kaur Taggar, a graduate student from the Masters of Journalism. “It’s 14

/ PHOTOGRAPHY BY WOLF ZIMMERMANN

not that good actually, because they literally post any job, which can be so vague.” She has since completed her postgraduate degree and is currently looking for employment, finding it difficult to find jobs related to her field on Careers Online. Dench has addressed sentiments similar to these, and has attributed these issues to the fact that “the opportunities promoted on the job board are submitted directly by employers, [and] are not evenly distributed across disciplines.” Conversely, Dench says there are a couple out of a range of other resources available to the students, which includes faculty-specific internship programs, mentoring programs, the Students at Work program and many others. Moin Ur Rashid, who is studying Masters of Information Systems, found his first internship through the Students at Work program. “I would say the first internship helped me to get the second one, and the second one was me getting the job by myself,” said Moin. Internship programs conduced internally within any given degree are popular among students in their final year. They are more targeted, and are aided by coordinators who connect with companies and work placements directly. However, this doesn’t mean you can leave all the work to administration. Both Dilpreet and Moin said they put extensive effort into their CV’s and prepared for interviews by themselves. Arnab Majumdar, an architecture student who is also employed by the University as a student peer leader, has extensive experience in job applications. He believes the most important thing is “to catch whatever opportunities you see”. There are clubs which are which organized networking events, where they invite a lot of professionals from different companies. To Arnab, these are the most overlooked source you can get from the University, and “it all depends on how you want to take it further”. From Arnab’s perspective, making the most out of the University’s resources is crucial for fresh graduates. Ultimately, getting a degree does not guarantee future employment. You need to spend time to explore the resources of the University, but also take job hunting and networking into your own hands.

NEWS

GSA: The Election in Brief Lauren Berry and Emily Johnson report

orward won the 2019 Graduate Students Association (GSA) election after earning the most key seats in the council, including the presidency. Forward’s success was confirmed during the first Annual General Meeting (AGM) after the election, held on May 31. The ticket gained six out of the ten positions that were up for election. Emily Roberts, the 2018 General Secretary and Forward’s convenor, was elected President. Madeleine Johnson, also from Forward, took the seat of General Secretary. Forward’s rival ticket, Better GSA, won three of the remaining positions. This result suggests a decline in Better’s power in GSA as they no longer form a majority in the council. GSA council consists of 15 members, yet only 10 positions were available in this election. Seven are for a two-year term and three for a single-year term as they took up the casual vacancies left by resigning members. GSA election nominations opened in March and voting was held from April to May. Ten members of the council were elected to represent the University of Melbourne’s graduate students. Senior positions were then determined during their first AGM after the election, where the council met to elect their president and office bearers. There were 42 nominations for council by the time the election polls opened in March, which was “the largest field the GSA has ever experienced”, according to the University of Melbourne GSA Election Report 2019. However, only around 13 per cent of over 22,500 graduate students voted in the election. Although the number of voters was down from last year, it still exceeded almost every other GSA election. The election also left a vacancy for LGBTIQ Officer as no one nominated themselves for the position. The role will be filled by an associate office bearer selected from the general graduate population, and the GSA is currently accepting applications. Forward ran their campaign with the promise of creating a “progressive, experienced and diverse” council. They claimed that all previous councillors who were running for re-election were running under their ticket. Johnson said the council would be representative of the University’s graduate community. “We have arts students and STEM students, business students and

teaching students, research, coursework, master‘s and PhD students,” she said.“Half of exec are international students (representative of grad students!) and sixty percent are women.” Johnson also said the election process went smoothly with “alarmingly little drama” for an election. This differed from last year’s election, when Better accused GSA staff of manipulating the results and breaching election regulation. These allegations were rejected by the electoral tribunal. Johnson claimed that the domination of Forward on this year’s council is unlikely to cause any issues in the new council, as “ticket boundaries dissolve extremely quickly after elections at GSA.” Tangshuang (Ida) Qin, who gained a position on the council on Better’s ticket in 2018, remains as Vice President, though she will be transitioning out of the role as she graduates soon. Qin expressed her support for Roberts’ presidency, “I’ve been working with her since she joined GSA. She was fantastic as the General Secretary and gained a positive reputation from former councilors because of her remarkable achievements.” Qin also said she looked forward to working with Forward’s elected councillors. “They have varied capabilities and represent multiple student cohorts. It really does not matter which team the candidates are from.” Forward consists of several former office bearers and staff of the University of Melbourne Student Union, including Roberts who worked as director of Host Program appointed 2016 and Destination Melbourne in 2017. Speaking of her new presidency, Roberts said that she hopes to achieve “a unified and supported community that actively empowers graduate student excellence and experience.” “I want to see a GSA that reaches out to all students regardless of their stage of life, type of course, the length of time at Melbourne, country of origin etc.” she said. This vision includes “meeting graduate students where they are at rather than waiting for them to come to us. Providing meaningful activities that build up skills and positive communities and sending them well prepared toward whatever their next direction is.” “Reach out, build up, send toward,” she stated. 15

/ PHOTOGRAPHY BY WILLIAM HUNT

NEWS

Gears Finally Turning on Bike Co-op

Mudfest Regeneration from August 21—28

Ailish Hallinan updates

Lauren Berry reports

he University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) bike co-op is set to re-open on Wednesday 31 July 2019, almost a year and a half after its scheduled relocation. After the demolishment of its former home, the bike co-op will be located on the ground floor of Union House near the information desk. Not only will the co-op reopen in a new location, it will also re-open with a new name: ‘the bike collective’. Environment Office Bearer (OB) Will Ross is excited to finally have the collective up and running. “We’re aiming for a very colourful, very welcoming space that says to people ‘the bike collective is for everyone, and it’s about working to together,’” he said. “This has involved ordering in furniture, vintage prints, and window vinyls for the Ground Floor space.” The bike collective will offer a number of services including bike maintenance workshops, light repairs, spare parts and resources for cyclists. Ross is also hopeful that the collective will be able to expand in the future to offer bike rentals and more heavy-duty repairs. “We want to demystify and de-gatekeep bike maintenance, bringing this important service back after the years of frustrating promises and waiting,” Ross said. In May, Farrago investigated the delay in the bike collective’s reopening, which current and former Environment OBs blamed on UMSU bureaucracy. More details about the bike collective’s re-opening can be found on their Facebook page ‘Melbourne Uni Bike Co-op’.

he University’s biennial student-run arts festival Mudfest will run August 21-28. Presented by the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) Creative Arts department, this year’s lineup revolves around the theme of ‘Regeneration’ and includes almost 60 original student artworks and a lengthy schedule of events taking place in the Ida Bar. “We have everything from circus, to a comedy café, to an interdisciplinary work drawing inspiration from Medusa,” Co-Artistic Director and Creative Arts officer Ellie Hamill said. Major events include the ‘Late Late Night in the Ida Bar’ on August 23 featuring a moving image screening, a comedy variety night, an immersive performance experience and a techno DJ set. Creative writing anthology Above Water is also launching on August 26. Since it’s commencement in 1990, Mudfest has established itself as the “largest student run festival in the southern hemisphere”. The event has grown to showcase art in many senses, including visual and performing art, music, film and other interdisciplinary work. Hamill said the Mudfest team were inspired by the “dire need for growth and change within the frightening realities of our world” when choosing the theme ‘Regeneration’. “Our festival is contemplating the idea that regeneration is necessary in times of need … and that we must change and evolve to ultimately thrive, as individuals, in communities and as a global society,” she said. The team didn’t want to “limit” the artists in any way and the theme is rather a “springboard” to leap off of, she said. While Mudfest nurtures and encourages student art, sustainability and accessibility in the arts has also been a major focus in recent years. Wellbeing was also important in the planning of this year’s festival. Hamill said that almost everyone involved in the festival has had access to creative mentorship as well as workshops on managing stress and looking after mental health. “[Mudfest] is an environment where anything goes and all creative disciplines and ideas can be explored within the amazing support systems we have,” said Hamill.

/ ART BY STEPHANIE ZHANG (LEFT) AND SONIA JUDE (RIGHT)

ART BY ABIR HIRANANDANI /

CAMPUS

Diversity Issues in UMSU International Emily Johnson and Nurul Juhria Binte Kamal report

n 13th May 2019, the University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) International elected a new committee which will lead the union from August 2019 to July 2020. This year’s newly elected committee continues the trend of previous years’ of having dominance by students from South East Asian countries such as Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia. To Farrago’s understanding, every member of the current committee is from Asia. The racial and cultural make-up of the recently elected UMSU International committee includes seven people from Malaysia, four from Singapore and three from Indonesia. There are only two Chinese students on the UMSU International committee, although Chinese students form the largest percentage of International students. Only two representatives are not from South East Asia, though these positions were won without contest. This lack of cultural diversity has been acknowledged by incoming President Archit Agrawal. “I think that it is definitely Asian dominated, specifically [South] East20

/ ART BY JENNIFER LUKI ANDREANY

Asian dominated,” Argawal said he agrees that racial diversity should be addressed but he does not want to put in place any rules that might discourage participation from the Southeast Asian community. Currently, UMSU International does not have enforce Affirmative Action policies on its committee’s positions and is not looking to implement it anytime soon as well. Affirmative Action policies are those that help to level the playing field for those who are systematically at a disadvantaged due to their race, colour, religion or gender. UMSU has such policies implemented. In its constitution, it states that departments with two officers must have one be a Woman. This is with the exception of the Queer department where one officer must be a Woman or Trans and the Women’s department where one officer must be a Woman of Colour. “We don’t want to not give a chance to people who are really motivated and who really want to work for the student union just to look for people that have a diverse background.” Agrawal said that he is comfortable with

Indonesian, Malaysian and Singaporean students making up the majority of the committee as long as it does not become “a trend that only these students get representation in the student union,” as it has in previous years. Additionally, he said that since the committee is formed through an election, members do not have a say in or control of the makeup of the committee. “[This year’s committee is] more racially varied than previous years however, still a despairingly unrepresentative team,” said Nishtha Banavalikar, a firstyear International student, “The committee members are voted in, and hence are supposed to represent what international students want. But with very small voting turnout and quite targeted campaigning techniques, it results in a very isolated and homogenous pool of students casting the votes.” Agrawal believes that even without UMSU International taking calculated steps to increase committee diversity, the issue is beginning to remedy itself and his election is proof of this despite him winning uncontested. He said that he is the first Indian-national President in a decade and the first gay President. Shashwat Tripathi, an unsuccessful contesting candidate for this year’s Education and Welfare Director position and Cultural and Social Director, agreed that having the union dominated by East Asian students is not an issue. However, he acknowledges that this domination “[obstructs] other ethnic groups to feel equally associated as they might feel that they do not belong there”. Banavalikar noted that there is “an evident lack of black and brown, and even white voices,” which she believes can lead to an “erasure of minority voices”. Agrawal acknowledges that there is a lack of participation from non-Asian international students and expressed a desire to increase participation from European and South American students. However, he also said he finds it “difficult to connect with them.” He understands that the union’s issues with connecting with non-Asian international students needs to be addressed and solved. Outgoing President Jonas Larson, a Norwegian student, does not feel the cultural disconnect that other students described, saying “I’ve always felt included in this community of predominantly Asian students.” Currently, the union’s outreach efforts primarily involve giving out flyers at Union House and promoting their events on social media. A proposed solution by Agrawal to diversify the committee is through the International Student Ambassador (ISA) program in the upcoming semester. Membership and participation in the program are usually the first steps for students

before competing in UMSU International elections and potentially becoming office bearers. “I think personal ties with culture drastically affect our mindsets and hence our priorities and perspectives in the roles we have,” said Banavalikar. “Without voices for minority groups on this committee, their experiences become overshadowed as they are not at the forefront of anyone’s minds.” Agrawal expressed a similar sentiment on the importance of diverse voices in the union, “It’s an international student union, it must represent all students on campus and you must find your voice, your community must find their voice [in] the union for them to be able to rightly address [the] issues faced by that particular community.” Larson recognises the importance of increasing diversity of UMSU International “to ensure our community reflects the vast cultural diversity of the larger student body at the University.” “As an international student, I am more concerned with whether the core committee is able to represent my thoughts, values and concerns at important platforms and bring significant and visible changes rather than divert all its resources and energy on making events like Night Market a success,” Tripathi added, “They are in a position wherein they can literally make many important and beneficial things happen for students. I, unfortunately, find a great sense of lack of accountability in this sphere”. Reis Low, a third year International student from Singapore shares Tripathi’s sentiments, “I get that there’s very few commonalities between countries besides enjoying food and capitalism, and I get the desire to keep things light and good vibes only but it’s not what I came [to the union] for,” said Low. Low notes that the perception of UMSU International not representing a diversity of races, cultures and ideas mentioned is what keeps international students like him from participating fully in UMSU International’s events and elections. Farrago has approached John Hee, UMSU International’s 2017/2018 President and Christabella Mahendra, UMSU Internationa’s 2019/2020 HR Director but have yet to receive a reply. Larson cited large-scale events such as the Night Market and the Festival of Nations as efforts made by UMSU International to foster cross-cultural interaction. He said that achieving greater diversity in the committee will be done through increasing students’ awareness of the union, something he hopes will be achieved soon.

NEWS

Content Warning: white supremacy

Alt-Right? Academics Break Ranks Over Ramsay Centre Jemma Payne reports

cademics at the University of Wollongong (UoW) are speaking out against the institution’s newest Arts major. There has already been major controversy over the unusual fast-track approval of the course, which will be privately funded by the Ramsay Centre for Western Civilisation. What’s more, several concerned academics are pointing to how, and by whom, the term “western civilisation” is used in 2019. Like dozens of other Australian universities, Wollongong offers degrees and majors in history, philosophy, PPE (politics, philosophy and economics), and English literatures. Classics and ancient languages are available at other nearby universities. All of those fields, when studied with the western focus that persists in Australian universities, could be described as “western civilisation”. And they’re all things that Associate Professor Ika Willis is passionate about. But Dr Willis, an Oxfordeducated classicist working at the University of Wollongong, criticised the proposed Ramsay course in an interview with Farrago. In particular, she is wary of the Ramsay Centre’s insistence on using a term that “has been appropriated by … a bunch of loosely-related farright projects”. More direct is a letter pinned up a UOW office hallway by another academic. “[The phrase] ‘Western Civilisation’ is now inescapably a right-wing dog-whistle,” it reads. The letter-writer is talking about a tactic used on the extreme right, in which philosophy and classical studies are appropriated as support for racist, sexist, extremeright viewpoints. US academic Donna Zuckerberg drew attention to the anti-feminist side of this discourse in her recent book Not All Dead White Men. Conversely, multiple critics of the Ramsay Centre have warned that it perpetuates what they call “cultural supremacy”. Here at the University of Melbourne, Professor Stephanie Trigg, a medievalist scholar, recently commented during a lecture on the extreme-right appropriation of academic fields such as medievalism and classical studies. Speaking to Farrago, Prof Trigg criticised “the desires expressed by some white 22

/ ART BY CATHY CHEN

supremacist groups to ‘return’ to a more racially pure medieval culture”—an atavistic “wish-fulfillment fantasy” which she says doesn’t accurately describe the cultural reality of the Middle Ages in Europe. In their demand for a return to the past, these extreme right-wingers implicitly claim that their imagined “pure” western culture is superior, and also that it’s under threat. They refer to the usual suspects: immigration, feminists, homosexuality. This discourse gained more attention due to its prominence in the “manifesto” of the Christchurch mosque shooter. Rod Dreher, a “Distinguished Speaker” at the Ramsay Centre—though Dreher is not associated with the UoW degree—argued in an article that “Everything [the mass-murderer] identifies as qualities of a disintegrating Western civilization is true.” (emphasis in original) In fact, that was what first prompted Professor Willis to speak out publicly, to the Sydney Morning Herald, against the western-civilisation major. She told Farrago that she is worried that, in the current climate, the adoption of this degree by a large university will appear to verify the white supremacists’ claims that western culture has been oppressed in academia. The major has certainly been positioned as a reaction to a threat. Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott recounted, in a 2017 article, how he convinced his “good friend” Paul Ramsay AO to bequeath money to establish the Centre. Abbott described the western civilisation major as a “necessary” response to current Australian curricula, which he said lack “respect for our heritage” and are “supposed to be pervaded by Asian, indigenous and sustainability perspectives”. Abbott famously promised that the major would be “not merely about Western civilisation but in favour of it”. Both Dr Willis and Professor Trigg challenged these claims. “All this material is already taught in very interesting and theorised ways,” Willis said. “I don’t agree that there is a problem with the way the humanities is being taught in Australia,” Trigg said, “and the thought of two degrees, two sets of staff, and

two sets of students studying the humanities on a given campus (one receiving ordinary funding; one receiving private funding) is very distressing to me.” The proposed funding model will give the Ramsay Centre significant control over hiring decisions and course content. Indeed, the Ramsay Centre was in negotiations with the Australian National University, which broke down allegedly over two factors—their insistence on the name “western civilisation”, and the risk to academic freedom. The chancellor and vice-chancellor of the ANU later went public with details of the dispute. In an open letter, they warned other universities off the degree, stating that the terms demanded by the Ramsay Centre would have instantiated “an extraordinarily prescriptive micromanagement approach”. Dr Willis concurred that the Ramsay Centre degree’s funding model is unprecedented in Australian academia. “This is really different because of the level of involvement that the Ramsay Centre has in the title, the curriculum, the hiring process.” Typically, she added, when private funding is given to a university, the institution has the freedom to choose and hire academic staff who in turn set their own research agendas. “If you’re not worried about western civilisation, are you worried about the idea of the next billionaire setting up a degree in homeopathy in the medical school, or a degree in astrology in the astrophysics centre?” Dr Willis concluded. The University of Wollongong has emphasised, in its website and the media as well as staff communications leaked to Farrago, “the multiple perspectives and traditions” of the intended course, and that the curriculum will include “under-represented voices and perspectives from outside of [western] traditions”. Perhaps Tony Abbott’s hopes for the course have been dashed. Despite its rejection at the ANU, and rumblings at Wollongong, the Ramsay Centre is attempting to implement its degree at still more universities. The University of Queensland has revealed that it is in negotiations.

Sources within the University of Wollongong have forwarded to Farrago internal emails from senior figures from that institution, including the ViceChancellor Professor Paul Wellings CBE. In one email, he appeared to encourage UoW staff to withdraw their support of a planned legal challenge against the degree’s fast-track approval. In July, the action was withdrawn, but not by a decision of the staff. The UoW University Council unexpectedly used its executive powers to confirm the degree’s fast-track approval for implementation in Autumn 2020, making it nearly impossible for the decision to be legally challenged. Announcing the decision not to pursue the legal action, NTEU UoW Branch President Georgine Clarsen stated in an email to staff: “It is notable from our experiences at UOW and other universities that where Ramsay seeks to establish a foothold the only means of progressing approval is for university managers to subvert the normal practices of academic oversight.” While UoW bills it as a “degree for the intellectually fearless”, the big question for me is whether anyone will actually enrol. Academics, and most universities, seem to be distancing themselves. But with the huge scholarships on offer – reportedly up to $27,000 per annum for students displaying “the Ramsay attributes”—for some young people, studying Western Civilisation could be the only way to afford university. Professor Trigg concluded, “It is great that there is support for the humanities in Australia: we need more of this. But I am concerned that the Ramsay program seems so dismissive of the great intellectual and cultural traditions of humanities teaching and research in this country. … To argue for the superiority of ‘Western Civilisation’ is going to be very divisive.” The Ramsay Centre and a representative of the University of Wollongong were contacted by Farrago, and replied but did not provide comment for this article.

/ WASH DISH BY ELMIRA CHEUNG

SATIRE

UniMelb Jumpers the Hottest Desperate Lecturer Resorts to New Look for Plain-Clothed Using Clickbait Lecture Titles Myki Inspectors to Bring Up Attendance Denis Curnow and Stephanie Kee report

our grumpy, overweight, mid-life crisis persons have been sighted lurking around the RMIT/Swanston St tram stop wearing UniMelb Hoodies. Witnesses report that they seem to think they’re blending in well, and reckon no one knows they’re ticket inspectors. Betty Buttersworth (46) insists she’s just a matureaged student on the way to her 10am Accounting lecture, but the ‘Authorised Officer’ badge poking out of her cargo shorts seems to suggest otherwise. “I love this stop, just outside the Free Tram Zone. Perfect for catching fare eva-duh, getting to my classes,” Ms Buttersworth told reporters. “And no, of course I didn’t know that PTV concession cards expired today.” No one had asked. Ravi Yolee (47), one of Betty’s ethnically diverse acquaintances, is hardly even bothering with the subterfuge, refusing to take off his aviators even once on board the tram and holding his Kevlar vest like Bane. “I’ll be honest, failing the police test was a bit of a kick in the guts,” he said, gesturing to his sizeable guts. “But full credit to me, I was able to pick myself off the deck and get into this gig. Now I get paid to make kids cry in public. It just goes to show that if you believe in yourself, you can make your dreams come true.” Andy Wilson (20), who actually is a student, saw right through the thinly veiled Government money-grab. “Mate, not even Uni students wear those hoodies,” he explained, hastily touching on his myki, “and look at the way they all get on through different doors. No group of mates does that. They’ve clearly never had mates.” But who needs mates? The power-trip alone is enough for Betty and our finest officers of the law, high-fiving each other as they slam a hungover first year with a $242 fine. “No need to thank me, guys. It’s good enough to know that the citizens of Melbourne can sleep easy at night with that thug off our streets.” We salute Betty for her brave service.

Madeleine Chetcuti reports

ue to recent slump in lecture attendance, history lecturer, Dr. Lindsey Farrow, has decided to spice things up. Inspired by highly viewed YouTube content, Dr. Farrow has reportedly begun using clickbait titles in order to get her students excited about learning and attending. According to an anonymous student enrolled in Farrow’s first year history subject, ‘Age of Empires’, the esteemed academic has been emailing out lecture titles and slides one week in advance in order to get the students on board. The student told Farrago: “It’s like, we know how clickbaiting works. We’re not going to attend a lecture called “STORYTIME: I FUCKED MY UNCLE” or “I’M MY SON’S FATHER AND HIS GREAT-UNCLE?!” any more than we would one called ‘The History of the Habsburgs.’” More Age of Empires students have provided other examples of lecture titles. Over the past semester, they say Farrow has created a lecture entitled “THROWING $1MILLION WORTH OF TEA OFF A BOAT”, which covered the Boston Tea Party and the American Revolution, and “I’m a drug addict”, which dealt with both the First and Second Opium Wars of the 19th century. Farrago reached out to Farrow for comment. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. They love Tana Mongeau and Logan Paul for using clickbait, but apparently, I’m doing something wrong? They’re completely out of touch”, Farrow claims. “I’m not asking for 10 million views, just a few more excited bodies in the lecture theatre.” According to student Caitlin Dowe, about 5 students on average attend the subject’s two weekly lectures. “Yeah, I only go out of pity” Dowe said. Further sources have reported that tutorials for the subject have required students to ‘like and subscribe’ to Farrow’s YouTube page. Farrow reportedly opts to upload lectures onto the popular website, rather than using the university wide Lecture Capture program. Like many subjects in the School of Arts, the final grade for Farrow’s history subject attributes 10% to tutorial participation. Farrow’s account, HistoryLuver56, currently has over 300 subscribers, with each of her videos averaging a similar amount of likes and comments.

ART BY BETHANY CHERRY /

CAMPUS

Office Bearer Reports PRESIDENT/MOLLY WILLMOTT Welcome back to semester two! My name is Molly and I’m the President of UMSU. UMSU is the heart of the student experience, and we’re ramping up semester two with a range of campaigns and events sure to make your uni experience the best it can be. Don’t forget about our impending climate emergency though! Save the August 2 and September 22, because we’ll be walking out of class demanding climate action both at unimelb and out. Don’t forget to also look at our website for all our events and services too. Have an excellent semester two!

GENERAL SECRETARY/REECE MOIR Christ, is that blue soup? Now that I’ve gotten your attention, welcome to semester two! The break was very slow, and I wish I had the time and/or money to go to Europe. Did you know that Students’ Council regularly passes motions which provides stances for UMSU? I spent the break updating this document, and it can be accessed on the website, under Students’ Council within the Secretariat. These stances range from bushfire relief to the Chilean Students’ Movement! There are some big things on the horizon. Don’t forget to read the other office bearer reports, and follow our socials!

ACTIVITIES/LIAM O’BRIEN AND OLIVIA PANJKOV UMSU Activities has got a big semester of events so you can send it into Summer. Grab a ticket to our first event on Friday night of week one, the Winterfest Concert. We also have a big trivia night in week three, a comedy night in week six, and Oktoberfest in week ten (the biggest Activities event of the year). Don’t forget to come say hi at our free weekly BBQs every Tuesday and Thursday on North Court. We have sausage for days and cater for vegans too.

BURNLEY/JAMES BARCLAY

No OB report submitted.

CLUBS AND SOCIETIES/JORDAN TOCHNER AND CHRIS MELENHORST Since we last spoke to you we held our Clubs Council where we updated all of the clubs on what’s been happening, most notably in terms of the Attendance App and Affirmative Action. We also have just affiliated 21 new clubs so we encourage you to check them out, we’re very excited to see all the amazing things they’re planning! And coming up we’re currently organising clubs awards night and Jordan is attempting to spend a week in the office alone without missing Chris and Fiona too much.

CAMPUS

CREATIVE ARTS/ELLIE HAMILL AND LUCY HOLZ Mudfest is just around the corner! Over the winter break our festival team and artists have been keeping warm creating their art and making this fantastic festival a reality. If you haven’t already put the dates in your diary, they are August 21-28, spanning weeks four and five of semester. We’ve got a jam-packed exciting program of original student art! Make sure to come down to our Program Launch Party on Thursday 25 July in the Ida Bar to buy your tickets, get a taster of the program and hear about everything Mudfest 2019 has on offer. Also if you’d like to be a part of the festival our call out for volunteers is now open!

DISABILITIES/LUCY BIRCH

Come down to beer and boardgames on every Tuesday 6-8pm at the Ida Bar, Union House. Disability and mental wellness collective runs every Thursday 1pm where we provide a free lunch!

EDUCATION ACADEMIC/DOMINIC ROQUE ILAGAN AND ELIZABETH TEMBO

No OB report submitted.

EDUCATION PUBLIC/CHARLI FOUHY

No OB report submitted.

ENVIRONMENT/ WILL ROSS Enviro is back. And so are a bunch of exciting things. First up, the muchmissed Bike Co-op is reopening in the Bike Collective Space on Ground Floor, Union House. Come along to our opening breakfast on Wednesday 31 July. Play With Your Food is also returning this semester, with the Melbourne Activist Catering Collective cooking hot meals in the Food Co-op every third Wednesday. Stick around for dinner and lively conversation. Finally, Enviro Collective will be preparing for the General Strike for Climate on September 20. Meeting 1pm every Tuesday in Graham Cornish A. Keep fighting—we’ll see you there!

INDIGENOUS/JORDAN HOLLOWAY-CLARKE AND LAURA BROWN

No OB report submitted.

CAMPUS

PEOPLE OF COLOUR/FARAH KHAIRAT AND MARK YIN Good morning, afternoon and/or evening! If this is your first semester at uni, then welcome—we’re your PoC representatives and we can’t wait to meet you. Come along to our weekly social collectives (Wednesdays 1pm) for friendly faces and free food, and keep an eye out for our other events on Facebook. Also!!!! Don’t sleep on our magazine Myriad—submissions are open until August 11. If you already feel like hibernating through semester, drop by in our office hours for some company, a cuppa tea and a chat!

QUEER/ANDIE MOORE AND RAPH CANTY Semester two is here and so is UMSU Queer! We hope you’re enjoying Winterfest and are ready for what we’ve got in store—Queer Lunch every Wednesday with free pizza and sushi for //the gays//, G&Ts with the LGBTs every even Thursday, Southbank Collective and Coming Out Support Group every two weeks, and our weekly collectives as usual, and more! On top of this, we’re launching “Stalls for All”, and all-our campaign for all gender bathrooms on campus, and we’re hosting an EXTRAORDINARY queer ball later this sem. Check out the “UMSU Queer Department” FB and Insta for more deets.

SOUTHBANK/LILY EKINS

No OB report submitted.

WELFARE/ASHWIN CHHAPERIA AND NATASHA GUGLIELMINO Hey everyone, welcome to semester two! We hope you have had a relaxing and refreshing break. If you’re new this semester, welcome to UniMelb! We will have our free yoga and meditation classes from week one and our free breakfast every day from week two. If you’re ever struggling to buy groceries, you can pick up a free food pack from our office on Level One or the Union House Info Desk. We’re here to support you through your university journey. If you’re ever stuck, we’re always here for you <3 Hit us up at welfare@union.unimelb.edu.au or chuck us a message on our Facebook page, UMSU Welfare.

WOMEN’S/ARIA SUNGA AND HANNAH BUCHAN UMSU Women’s is BACK after this cold winter break and READY for the women and non-binary people at unimelb. We have such a huge semester in store and we’re really excited. We’re kicking off Winterfest with some fun festive events and collectives, which will be so much fun that you’ll forget it’s even cold. Later this semester you can look forward to stuff like Rad Sex and Consent week, Women in Higher Education week, Queer Gals Movie Nights, and the launch of our annual department magazine, Judy’s Punch. We can’t wait for a lit semester with you all.

ART BY RAYMOND WU /

NONFICTION

Content Warning: STIs, slut-shaming

Sex and Stigma by Anonymous

ou had a shit break up. You’d only been with two guys and thought your last boyfriend was the one, the only. Turns out he wasn’t. You’re rejected, hurt, and so you try Tinder. You know you’re looking for confirmation in the wrong places. You do it anyway.

Small bumps appear on your outer labia. Less than ingrown hairs or pimples. You’re itchy, but maybe it’s just the power of suggestion?

Your first casual sex experience. The back of a car. Classy. You never liked random hook ups in clubs and you’re frankly bemused by the whole experience. Sex had always been an intimate act; not anymore. The second time is better, you like him, you date a few weeks, you’re

/ ART BY TIMOTHY WOOD

replaced. It gets easier each time. Small bumps appear on your outer labia. Less than ingrown hairs or pimples. You’re itchy, but maybe it’s just the power of suggestion? You’re concerned. You google, a lot. You’ve always had a touch of hypochondria. You go to the doctor and he tells you the itching is only thrush and the bumps are nothing, they’ll go away. A little unconvinced you show the nurse at work, she’s older and experienced. She recalls a time she was very stressed and had similar bumps. You relax a little. You had been incredibly stressed the last few weeks. But then. Something stings when you pee. You look with a mirror, take a photo on your phone, zoom in. You’ve had cold sores since you were a child and you know there’s a genital equivalent. You know what it is. A late night, expensive trip to the doctor, a different doctor this time. You wait for the test results but you know what they’ll say. You already had a trip booked home to visit family and you tell your mum what’s happening. You’ve done more googling and you’re hoping for syphilis, that at least is curable. You both laugh at the irony of wanting syphilis. You both cry. You’ve cried a lot over the past few days. The doctor calls you at work. Tells you the results. He’s calm, non-judgemental. He reminds you it’s just a skin disease, in the same family as chicken pox and shingles. Only located in the genital area because that skin is weaker, more easily infected. You repeat his words to yourself. They don’t really help. You get on with your day. You have no choice. You call your mum, but there’s no surprise, only sympathy, you both knew what the results would be. You greet clients and answer phones, pretending you’re not cracking. Not panicking.

Continual research, on your phone under the desk at work, on the train home, late at night. You find an online chat room, looking for support but you only find negativity. Members talk of wanting to die and the anger they feel toward the person who gave it to them. People complain about cold sores, another form of herpes. You’ve had cold sores for years and have never considered them something to be ashamed of. This is different. Constant jokes from comedians and even friends at the expense of those with herpes. You used to laugh too, not anymore. Statistically you feel you deserve the infection. You’d been with seven people and one in seven have genital herpes. Only one in four of those get symptoms. The rest? They wander around in asymptomatic bliss. You’re jealous of them. You have responsibilities, decisions to make. Do you tell future partners? Or do you remain silent and hope that they won’t catch it? Act shocked if they receive a diagnosis. You don’t want to be rejected, the stigma is big. You realise school sex ed lies. You’d used protection with every guy you’d been with. You hadn’t gone down without a condom. You think protection protects, but it doesn’t. Doesn’t stop skin rubbing on skin. Where would the pleasure be in that? You learn that you could be infectious at any given time, not just during outbreaks. The virus lives deep in the nerve system but randomly rises to the surface of the skin without any symptoms. You’ll never know when the virus is shedding, when you could be infecting others. There’s no cure either. Your doctor says the best way to avoid outbreaks is not to stress and stay healthy. It’s idealistic advice for a full-time student with two part-time jobs.

You think of yourself as dirty and contaminated. You panic when you think about the significance this will hold for the rest of your life. You wonder how anyone can ever love you enough to willingly contract it from you. Having children is everything to you, but you’re worried about the risk of infection during childbirth. You become paranoid about contracting other, incurable STIs. You’re going to be hypervigilant in your sexual encounters, protecting others from contracting herpes but more importantly ensuring you aren’t infected with anything else. You try to look at things through a better perspective. You’d already been reading books on female genital mutilation, of survival stories of women in sexually restricted countries full of gender inequality. You think you’re lucky to have sexual freedom. Even if that comes with consequences. Truth be told, you’re not sure who gave you herpes. You look back through your diary, calculating dates, weighing up the likelihood. There are three potential partners. You’re pretty sure you know who it was but you’re not certain. But you know the men you slept with were decent. None would have purposefully given it to you. He too was a victim. You forgive him, whoever he was. You forgive yourself a little more each day too. You still haven’t found a way to tell the man you were seeing when you were diagnosed. It’s been nearly six months. You don’t want to be responsible for shattering his world. For burdening him with the constant fear of infecting others. Maybe this will be the way you tell him. Maybe it won’t.

/ ART BY REANN LIN

COLUMN

Content Warning: chronic illness

Living Well When You’re Unwell Lou Winslow on service dogs and priority seats

elcome to Living Well When You’re Unwell, a column that answers all your questions about navigating uni, life, relationships, and jobs with disability and chronic illness. I saw a service animal owner who didn’t look like she was blind. Are there other reasons to have a service dog? - Wondering about Doggos There are heaps of reasons someone might have a service animal. The most commonly known reason is because someone may be blind, but here are some other disabilities and health issues that service dogs can help with: • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or anxiety • Epilepsy or migraine • Cancer • Autism • Multiple Sclerosis (MS) • Bone/skeletal disabilities (e.g. scoliosis) • Mobility issues (e.g. paralysis) • Diabetes Are you wondering how these doggos can help? They can provide a whole range of services, including: • Alerting their owner (e.g. alerting their human when an epileptic episode is about to happen) • Helping during emergencies (barking to signal for help) • Bringing items to their owner (e.g. medicine or a phone to call emergency services) There are tons of other ways these pups can help, but this brief list is just to help you get thinking about some of the reasons why someone might choose to have a service dog. I read this column and it got me thinking more about invisible disabilities. I always thought people who didn’t have a disability shouldn’t be sitting in priority seats in trams and trains because they didn’t need a seat, but now I’m wondering how often these people have hidden disabilities. Can you shed some lights? - Anonymous Since 1 in 5 Australians has a disability and over 90% of disabilities are invisible, it is likely that some of the people sitting in priority seats who don’t ‘look’ disabled are actually living with a disability. Of course,

some people sitting down may be able-bodied and may not actually need the seat—you will never know just by looking at someone. Usually, unless you or someone you’re with has a disability and need to take a seat, it’s not polite to ask and make someone prove they have a disability. However, if you are a person living with a disability who really needs a seat, and you’re wondering if the person sitting in the priority seat needs to sit down, you can politely ask, “Excuse me, can I sit here?” You can customise that question as you see fit (e.g. letting them know why you need the seat if you feel it’s necessary to explain and you feel comfortable doing so). If they say no, they probably need it, too. I run events at uni and I’m wondering how I can make them more accessible? - Supporting Students There are great resources online for accessible event planning. I’d highly recommend giving it a quick search, but these are some things to look out for: • Is there adequate seating? • Is the building/venue accessible for wheelchair users and individuals who use mobility devices? • Have you considered the impact on senses (e.g. fragrances, airborne allergies, lighting, extreme temperatures)? It’s good to consider all five senses and how they could potentially be impacted by the environment. • Have you considered allergies? • Have you considered if you may need an interpreter, captions on videos, or any audiovisual equipment? This is a really brief checklist, but if you’re keen to get familiarised so you can be as inclusive as possible, there’s a great list on humanrights.gov.au and you can find other ideas with a quick Google search.

Have a question on the general topic of disability and chronic illness? Send an email to livingwell@ farragomagazine.com to get your question answered. You don’t have to be living with a disability to send a question – any questions you might have about disability and health are welcome. ART BY REANN LIN /

/ STANDING ON THIN ICE BY BETHANY CHERRY

COLUMN

Diaspora Dilemmas Veera Ramayah on great expectations

f you explained the premise of the movie 127 Hours to any ‘third culture kid’, almost all of us would be able to substitute ourselves in for the protagonist. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place is a sentiment we know all too well. Immigrant kids, especially those who have grown up in the diaspora, are often caught in this unexplainable impasse. On the one hand, we have family, traditions and our own ethnic perceptions of culture. On the other hand, we have Western traditions, culture and the prioritisation of the individual. It’s no easy feat being caught in the middle of these two worlds, and just as you think you have a handle on one, the other tends to pop up and remind you that you’ll never have the balancing act down-packed. The familial expectations on third culture kids to set the right example for younger family members, or follow a predetermined path regarding education and employment is a very constricting space to be in. Doing anything that contradicts what your family ‘wants’ for you feels like an act of betrayal, but following ‘your dreams’ seems about as real a concept as ever being colourmatched correctly at Sephora; a fantasy. So often, with the enormous pressure on us all to assimilate into mainly Western societies, it sometimes feels like we have to do so at the expense of our cultural origins. Names become anglicised (veeralakshmi=Veera), wardrobes become full of jeans and shirts, and home comfort food gets replaced by a Hungry Jacks meal deal. Culture becomes an afterthought, and it isn’t until you get tagged in a meme on Subtle Asian/Curry Traits, or overhear someone talking in your mother tongue that you realise how detached you’ve become from the very fabric of yourself. And so, the process of reclamation becomes a journey in coming home to yourself. You no longer cringe when someone calls out your ‘real’, your full name. My wardrobe has been decolonised, too, with kurtas replacing shirts and shawls taking the place of Cotton:On scarves. And on the days when I need a quick portal back to home, back to comfort, my UberEats account bears the brunt of the feast sized order from the closest Indian restaurant near me. Although, truthfully, nothing beats the satisfaction of a trip to the local Asian grocer, to pick up specialised ingredients you just don’t find in the lovely 36

/ ART BY TIFFANY WIDJAJA

token ‘Asian/Indian’ section in Woolies. And in coming home to yourself, you realise that your home isn’t one with defined borders, or a clear demarcation of where one culture ends and another begins. You have become a beautiful amalgamation of the two.

While the journey into adulthood should, ideally, be up to the individual and shaped by their own desires for the future, however wild or whimsical, immigrant kids often sacrifice their own dreams for the sake of pleasing our parents or maintaining familial harmony. We shrink ourselves down, become content with plagiarised ideas of our futures and spend a lifetime trying to squish ourselves into these rigid moulds of expectation. The more I’ve surrounded myself with third culture kids, the more I’ve realised that this isn’t something, like my questionable outfit choices, that will improve with age. It’s a space that I’ll realistically occupy for the rest of my life. But, it reiterates the extreme importance of support networks, of diaspora communities coming together and sharing in our experiences. As I’m beginning to fend off the dreaded “what’s next” question as I approach the end of my degree, I am caught between following the path that my family has subconsciously pushed me towards, and my own gut feelings about what I should do and where I should go next. It’s nothing less than being on the world’s worst seesaw, and every time I feel like I’ve adjusted to familial suggestions of what the future holds, I’m hit with the rude awakening that, perhaps, it isn’t what I want. We are often the first to navigate these spaces, or highlight their existence to our families and so the conversations we have, the dialogue and discourses we open will help chart the rocky seas for those of us yet to come. Although, sometimes, it would be handy having a GPS.

COLUMN

Kiss and Tell A’bidah Zaid Shirbeeni on bumps and changes Pine. Verb. Erund or present participle: pining • Miss or long for. “She’s still pining for them”

’ve never pined for someone. I think pining for someone is a complete waste of time and energy. Oh, you’re hurt? Well, suck it up. It’s not the end of the world. It happens, you know? Break ups. Bumps in the road. Now I don’t fault anyone for spilling a few tears. I admit myself, I’ve spilt oceans of tears. I’ve cried till my eyes get so sore that I get a massive headache and my face swells up beyond recognition. Crying is cathartic. Especially for me. And I’m sure some may relate to that. But once the tears have dried out, it’s time to think analytically. Rationally. What actually makes sense? If you’ve been broken up with, that’s alright. You’ll be okay. It sucks, but only for a little while. Soon you’ll adapt to not waking up next to the person and to not seeing their name on your phone. You’ll be able to go back to that café you once loved that reminded you so strongly of them. You’ll be able to listen to the songs that you and your partner used to sing at the top each other’s lungs during late night drives to Maccas. You’ll be able to look at their pictures and not feel pain. You’ll be able to think about them and acknowledge that though the relationship was a wonderful experience, it’ll exist just as a memory. A time in the past. After a little while, it won’t suck anymore. You’ll be okay. Everything is alright. If it’s a bump in the road you’re facing, things will eventually turn out fine or turn out the way it’s supposed to. No one relationship is smooth sailing. Arguments (healthy ones) are normal and even encouraged to have. A difference in opinions can be settled. A one-week break from the relationship to “sort things out” doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end of the relationship. It means space and time is required for a person to assess their thoughts and feelings. Take the opportunity to do the same. In hindsight, bumps make you understand yourself and your partner better. When

the bump is cleared, the relationship is much stronger. If a bump unfortunately leads to a break up, go back and read the paragraph above. But what do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who’s here but not there? No, you haven’t been broken up with. No, things are going perfectly well. They still call you and leave you sweet messages asking about your day. They still take you out on dates and sometimes suggest staying home to cook dinner together. They send you songs that come up on Spotify because it makes them think of you when they listen to it. But when you look at the pictures, you don’t feel the same. You’ll think about them and you know that the relationship is beyond wonderful but it feels distant. That it’s just a memory. A time in the past. The road is a clear path and the relationship is calm. There are no issues present to argue over and you’re both on the same page on almost everything. You know you love the person to bits and the thought of the relationship ending or you and your partner falling out and parting ways hurts. There is love. But it’s a different kind of love. And I can’t put a finger on as to why that is. Maybe your feelings have changed? That could possibly be true. Probably they have, to a certain extent. But it hasn’t changed the fact that feelings of love, care and affection still exist. It hasn’t changed the fact that ending the relationship is an option you don’t plan on taking anytime soon. Maybe it’s love out of habit? But loving someone is always a choice, isn’t it? Waking up and choosing your partner over and over again is a choice you make and control day after day. Even if it’s an easy love, it doesn’t and shouldn’t form into a habit. Habitual love leads to lack of effort and the relationship will soon be on the first plane to boredom. But no, it hasn’t come to that and it’s frustrating. Especially when you spend hours lying in bed in the dark of the night thinking and evaluating your feelings only to come to the same outcome: “I don’t know.” And as I write this, sitting up on my bed, laptop on my lap at 4:30 in the morning, I find myself pining for someone. Someone I haven’t lost, yet can’t seem to find. ART BY CHARANJA THAVENDRAN /

NONFICTION

Content Warning: pornographic content, sexism and misogyny

The History of the Dildo Esme James takes us from humble, womb-wandering beginnings to a powerful force for social change

ver wonder how ancient humans passed all those cold nights in stony caves, or when we realised a little added buzz could go a long way? Well, welcome to the history lesson they’re still refusing to teach. From forgotten literary works to surprising archaeological discovers, it’s clear our ancestors were getting down with their bad selves long before Christian Grey. So, without further ado, let’s jump in our time machine and get ready for the ride of our lives. It’s time to learn about the D™.

Turns out siltstone isn’t simply good for knapping flints: the oldest known dildo, made of siltstone, is 30,000 years old.

Stone Ages

Turns out siltstone isn’t simply good for knapping flints: the oldest known dildo, made of siltstone, is 30,000 years old. It was unearthed in a German cave in 2005, causing quite a stir: archaeologists struggled to find a non-sexual use for the object. Unlike other tools from the Palaeolithic period, this object was “highly polished”, suggesting that this smooth stone phallus was made for starting a whole different kind of fire. Similar prehistoric representations of male genitalia have been found across the globe, many in pieces or worn at the tip from overuse.

Ancient Greece

The ancient Greeks knew all about the joys of olive oil long before Jamie Oliver made it cool, but what they were doing with it was anything but ‘extra virgin’. Olisbokollikes were dildo-like breadsticks used in Greece before 38

/ ART BY YUSHI WU

the year 5 BC. Before using an olisbokollix to sexually pleasure themselves, ancient Greeks would smear the breadstick with olive oil for lubrication. References to everything from these breadsticks to double-ended leather dildos can be found in contemporaneous literature and art. For example, A Quiet Chat, a mime by Herodas, features an argument between a group of women about who next gets to use the dildo. The women sing the praises of the almighty leather phallus, its ability to satisfy their sexual needs and that “the men certainly have no rams like those”. From this early history, dildos could therefore be considered a popular object of empowerment for women, allowing them to take control of and explore their sexuality. Despite their openness, however, ancient Greeks still abided by strict rules of who could use a dildo on whom. As it was considered a “masculine” act, women were not allowed to penetrate men.

Ancient India

This infamous Kama Sutra, believed to have been written around 400 BC to 200 AD, offers wisdom on the art of living well: how to live a life both emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Among detailed descriptions of sex positions lies a brief mention of dildos. Here, men were advised to use strap-on dildos if they found themselves unable to satisfy their sexual partner. In contrast to what might be expected today, there was no implied sense of emasculation associated with the use of these sexual aids. Instead, the ability to satisfy one’s sexual partner by alternative means was often celebrated and encouraged.

Europe, 16th to 18th Century

But here’s where things take a turn for the worst for our good friend The D™. The dildo went from a celebrated aid for sexual fulfilment to an object of fear and scandal. Here, dildos start to be linked with emasculation (giving Sigmund Freud all the material he would need two centuries later). This anxiety is concisely captured in Thomas Nashe’s 16th century poem The Merrie Ballad of Nash, His Dildo. Being overly excited to see his lover on Valentine’s Day, the speaker ejaculates as soon as he lays eyes on her in the brothel. And, because she’s annoyed, dissatisfied and #feministgoals, the woman reaches under her bed and whips out a dildo. She praises the dildo for always “standing stiff” and never threatening to impregnate her, all while getting herself off in front of her humiliated admirer.

Unsurprisingly, this anxiety contributed to Men™ outlawing the dildo. From 1670, dildos were seized at English customs. Adding to Men™’s fear that the dildo would replace their almighty was the fear that the Englishmen’s cock would be proven inferior to that of the Italian man, as Italy was known to be the biggest manufacturer of the dildo to the point that they were known as ‘Signor Dildo’. Not only were ‘Signor Dildos’ banned, but many Englishwomen were prosecuted for owning and creating makeshift dildos in their absence.

Japan, 17th to 18th Century

On the other side of the globe, erotic pictures and books called shunga were the height of popularity. Shunga depicted men and women in a state of arousal, masturbation and engagement in sexual acts. In one of these images, a group of women can be seen shuffling through a collection of dildos at a marketplace. A few of the friends giggle, while another is seen shifting through the assortment earnestly, telling the storekeeper that “this is a bit small,” and that “I want a big one”. One thing abundantly clear and in contrast to Europe is that here, dildos were certainly not viewed as a contemporaneous threat. Instead, a rather playful and relaxed approach was taken. But, even after sex toys and shunga were barred in 1722, they both continued to thrive on the underground market.

18th to 19th Century

Another earth-altering creation was born in France, 1734: the Vibrator™. Plato’s theory of the “wandering womb” believed that the womb sometimes just moved around the body, driving women into hysteria. Hippocrates decided in 5 BC that the best cure was to stimulate their sexual organs and end their sexual deprivation. By the 18th century, doctors were still attempting to cure women deemed “hysterical” by telling them to sleep with their husbands or ride a horse—and if those options weren’t available, they literally took matters into their own hands with a “pelvic massage”. Cue, le trémoussoir: the first vibrator invented to save doctors’ aching hands. This first design was essentially a large, jolting table which women sat on, and was used from France to the US. In the final years of the 19th century, the invention was made portable by Dr Joseph Granville. Granville’s Hammer (as it was colloquially called) was not only sold to physicians but was also marketed as a “home appliance” which promised to

relieve aches, ease pains and enhance beauty.

The ‘60s to Now

And in the 1960s, two important inventions arose: the silicone dildo and the magic wand. In 1965, Gosnell Duncan revolutionised The D™. After sustaining an injury that left him paralysed from the waist down, Duncan found that he could not find a safe penile substitute. Despite the fact they were sold as medical aids, dildos at the time were low-quality and made out of rubber, meaning that they couldn’t withstand heat or washing. Duncan worked with a chemist to create the silicone dildo, hoping to provide a better and safer option for people with a disability. It took off, and the silicone dildo soon became the immensely popular and inclusive toy that we know today. Soon after, a Japanese company called Hitachi released their Magic Wand. While originally marketed as a “back massager”, the wand’s attention has generally been directed much lower. The wand was popularised by the sex-positive movement in the late ‘60s, with sex educators such as Betty Dodson outlining how to use the wand to stimulate the clitoris and bring women to orgasm. The toy has continued to enjoy immense popularity, selling out completely in 2002 after it featured in an episode of Sex and the City. Its success is notable: in 2008, The Scientific World Journal published research which found that 93 per cent of women who suffered chronic anorgasmia (where a person cannot ordinarily achieve orgasm) could reach orgasm using this magical device. And they say that romance is dead. The takeaway message from all of this? People have been sticking things here, there and everywhere around them way before we even knew what shame was, so there’s no point being a Blushing Betty about it now. Wave your dildo around with pride. Talk to it, nurture it and tell it a bed-time story. That thing has game, and everyone should know it. And your vibe? Set it on high and enjoy the ride. I don’t know about anyone else, but I thrive on the knowledge that an item that was once used to oppress and demean a women has become a strong source of sexual empowerment (and personally, there’s nothing that does it for me more than the thought of Freud tearing out his hair, staring wildly into the abyss, while screaming “wHaT dO wOmEn WaNt?!”). So, if sex toys were something you’ve ever been curious to try, rest assured that there is (at least) a 30,000-year history of people right there with you: give your curiosity the happy ending it deserves. 39

COLUMN

Double Take Kaavya Jha on family and home

ndian weddings – familiarity with the extravagant and vibrant tradition is internationally widespread, especially after the celebrity fanfare surrounding Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas’ marriage at the end of 2018. When I learnt that a cousin’s wedding was luckily taking place over the mid-semester holiday and my family were planning on flying over to India, I was excited to finally witness the wedding experience firsthand. Infamous for its numerous ceremonies and rituals, an average wedding could span several days or weeks. But in my mind, there was an even larger commotion taking place. Growing up, my childhood had been relatively whitewashed, with my family immigrating to England a little before my second birthday. I was anxious about whether or not I would be accepted by my extended family, the majority of whom I had no memory of. What

I was anxious about whether or not I would be accepted by my extended family, the majority of whom I had no memory of.

if nobody could understand my heavily accented Hindi? What if nobody even wanted to talk to me? But these fears couldn’t be further from the truth. As soon as I arrived, I was treated with such warmth and welcome that I felt overwhelmed by the love from everyone, even the bride who I had not previously met, yet who took time out of her busy schedule to get to know me. For those few days, I was taken under the wing of a swarm of female cousins who had memories of me as an infant. There is a prevalent expectation that an immigrant’s quality of life is unequivocally better after moving to a 40

/ ART BY REANN LIN

Western country, especially for the second generation and onwards. But for that short period of time, my heart was forlorn for what could have been had I grown up in India. These thoughts are almost too guilty to admit, as though if you say it out loud, you invalidate every sacrifice and every hardship your parents went through to get you to where you are today, and all the opportunity that it presents. And not only that – the feeling grows even worse when you consider how comfortable you are with the depth of your own assimilation into your new country’s culture. But this was deeper than a moment of thinking the grass was greener on the other side. While the benefits of living in a country like Australia are clear, I, and thousands of other children of immigrants like me, have forever lost the connection to my ancestral history and home. Many everyday challenges are inevitable for secondgeneration immigrants. The ability to live in a country and never for a moment doubt that you ‘belong’ there; to not feel the need to re-evaluate your identity on a daily basis; to have your experiences and emotions validated. A particularly heartbreaking moment of my visit to India was when an Aunty with two children my age turned to me in and in a casual, chit-chat tone asked: “Why don’t my children want to come back home? Why is it that once they leave for America or UK or Australia, they never want to come back to me?” I was speechless. I had nothing to answer her with, because in that moment, I genuinely did not know. Admittedly, for someone who has lived in foreign countries for most of my life, I couldn’t relate to the nuanced dynamics of leaving the homeland as a young adult. But perhaps more importantly, I couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to leave the unconditional love and support of family members and elderly de-facto ‘relatives’ who were rooting for your success and who treated your personal victories, no matter how small, as their own, despite the fact that it has been decades since you last met. Reminiscing on what could have been may not be the most productive activity in the world, but I hope it encourages you to reach out to the people in your lives and tell them you love them, regardless of how long it’s been.

LOVE BY GISELLE MARTIN /

COLUMN

Content Warning: Indigenous genocide

Regulating Language Conor Clements on the preservation of Ainu

n April 22nd, 2019, Japan’s parliament passed a bill that for the first time legally recognised the Ainu people as the “Indigenous people” (in Japanese: senjū minzoku, literally “earlier inhabitant people”) of Japan. If you’re like me before I went to Japan for the first time, you probably weren’t aware of a people inhabiting Japan before the Japanese. People outside of Japan have a tendency to think of it as a monocultural nation, partly due to Japan’s own perception of itself as that. The Ainu have traditionally lived in Hokkaido, the northernmost of Japan’s four main islands, as well as the Kamchatka peninsula and some other Russian islands. Intercultural relations between the Ainu and Japanese have historically been tense to say the least, but the Meiji Restoration— where Imperial Japan was reborn and its policies shifted to resemble that of western colonial governments— exacerbated these tensions. Japan annexed Hokkaido in 1869, and the fervent hypernationalism that characterised Japanese policy at that time—which would go on to inspire some of the worst of World War II’s war crimes—first saw Ainu lands stolen and given to Japanese settlers, before a harsh policy of assimilation was implemented by the newcomers. This saw a decline not only in Ainu culture, but also their language, which is an isolate; it is unrelated to any other language. Because of the cumulative effects of assimilation over many generations, Ainu’s uniqueness is in danger of being lost forever. There are only a handful of native speakers left—perhaps as few as fifteen—and all of them are elderly. While there is a much higher number of second-language speakers with varying degrees of fluency, without concerted efforts to protect it, Ainu’s chances of survival are, sadly, quite low. It’s worth noting here that Ainu is just a microcosm of a worldwide loss of linguistic diversity. Just 23 languages are spoken by over half of the world’s population, while

/ ART BY CATHY CHEN

a third of the roughly 7,100 languages spoken today have fewer than a thousand speakers left. At this point in time, the number of languages in the world is still rising as linguists are still documenting them; but there is consensus that by 2100, between half and ninety per cent will be extinct. So, then, what role has the Japanese government played in the preservation of Ainu? Let’s start by looking at schools. Currently, the Japanese Government will not accredit any school—public or private— that does not use Japanese as the language of all classroom instruction and associated learning materials. Funnily enough, this policy began with the Meiji restoration, and affected the decline of other minority languages spoken in Japan—like those of the Ryūkyū Islands, which were annexed by Japan a couple of years after Hokkaido. Clearly, this is a huge barrier affecting the passage of Ainu from parent to child, and is primarily why the few Ainu who can speak their language as their native tongue are so elderly. There is some hope for Ainu’s preservation, however. The 1980s saw a moderation in Japanese policy towards Ainu, resulting in some support for the production of teaching materials. There are also a number of organisations which have been established to advocate for further policy support for the protection of Ainu. There are even a number of universities in the northern subprefectures of Japan which offer tuition in Ainu. But these efforts are fighting in the face of centuries of policies designed to deny Ainu autonomy. The plight of Ainu is exemplary of the role that the state can play in the suppression of minority languages, and eventually, their loss. Placed within a broader context, Ainu is but one example of the effects of colonialism. With the loss of languages like Ainu, we lose uniquely human ways of interpellating the world, and this is something to be mindful of when one questions the validity of protecting minority languages.

ART BY ALEXANDRA BURNS /

CREATIVE

Content Warning for 清明节: mentions death of a family member/for Little Ghosts: alludes to death of children/for The carnage, the cold: death, freezing

Flash Fiction Prompt: Ghosts 清明节

by Mark Yin a pair of newlyweds attach willow branches to their front door a woman and her sister walk by on their way to the cemetery their husbands fly swallow-shaped kites with their daughters a boy runs in the opposite direction, the scent of burning joss in his nostrils his father sweeps his grandmother’s tomb a man nearby kowtows his wife remembers the kindness of her father-in-law a family close their eyes and observe a silence before dining the youngest copies them solemnly a lotus lantern drifts downstream

Little Ghosts by Sarah Peters I wasn’t supposed to be outside at sunrise. But I had peeked my eyes through the weatherboard cracks of our farmhouse and saw what they had kept from me. The webs made last night were being knitted together, the spiders creating tiny faces. I saw them. The little ghosts, children from before, rising from the silk and playing in the paddocks until the sun touched the final branches of the trees. When day arrived I watched them, their souls drifted into the clouds, and we began life again.

They’re More Afraid of You by Tharidi Walimunige Scattered papers by the front door. “Crushing student debts to repel the youths.” Watered gardens out back. “Sweat of athletes to put off the nerdy-slashgamer types.” Photos pinned to each doorframe. “Pictures of cellulite to frighten the hashtagQueens.” “That should do it. Now I can read in pea—“ CREEEAAAAK! “I know you’re here. Come on out,” taunted an intruder. “Oh no.” She made to run bu— “Ha! I knew they were real! So…” He’d gotten past her wards? This couldn’t be happening. Oh, he was going to do unspeakable things to her! She just knew— “…get a selfie?” “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

The carnage, the cold by Michelle La Since she was little, Leida Rein dreamt to reach Everest’s peak. Sunrise at Camp 4, standing at the summit’s final climb, her dream was about to come true. However, when dawn breaks, the light reveals in front of her a human carcass in the snow, unmovable and fixed to the safety line of the only path to the top. Leida’s first hurdle: step over the frozen body. They say the path to success is paved with ambition. Though, on top of the world at 8,848 meters high, it was dead bodies and ghosts of dreams, forever frozen.

/ ART BY ESME WANG

CREATIVE

my year on the dancefloor by Lucette Moulang I forgot how many friends I had when liquid became sweet rivers of molten courage gushing through each bone and fatal fissure drowning in the weight of becoming, nobody could have guessed the simple noise it left ringing in our ears rhythm sinks in synchrony below nights tied down by double vision our faces touched by light are blinding and binding to this lost tomorrow

ART BY ESME WANG /

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Sarah plays on the association of colours and words to write her poetry using Taubman’s paint samples from Bunnings.

Blue Booties for W.O’D.

by Sarah Peters Soft mittens hold your hands cotton on milky skin a tired yawn, then sleep again. You have my cousin’s ears your mother’s nose. When you’re older we’ll plant forget-me-nots anywhere your fingers touch, Remind you to follow the bees to cornflowers and harvestbells where you are free to grow. You’ve all my love your family’s too.

/ ART BY LIZZY YU

Content Warning: death, grief

Alaskan Sky for K.W.

by Sarah Peters Remember him in Alaskan skies, Where clouds streak icy formations across the river where he would fish. The river he crossed when he left you. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see his greying body, Weighing you down, or drowning from you, your mother and sister. But now itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s daylight without him, Forced to find protection in your family name in frozen moments filmed and framed. Remember him where the lake and camping trips freeze over.

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Content Warning: inexplicit fantasy violence

A Thing with Feathers by Jocelyn Deane vast moor answering heart oh do not forget the bounds of life keep shifting —Socho, 15th century, trans. Anne Carson

ou’re reading Hellboy in Hell—cornered in a pocket of the Brunswick library—the collected trade paperback of the original comics run. Hellboy is in Hell, because. He falls as a beating heart through the mouth of a petrified giant. He glows against the marble of its windpipe. Eventually he crashes in the abyss, the space not Hell, but on its way. He’s rescued from eldritch, crustaceanadjacent bottom-feeders by a Victorian paranormal investigator, one ripped apart by a demon and sewn back together by the waters of Acheron, before he arrives in the city of Dis, Hell’s port and fishing quarter. The fish in the Acheron are the souls of the wavering. Dis is a city much like York. It’s shot with rivers; there’s a fin-de-siecle hand pump in a cul-de-sac dredging up water from Lethe; eroded, pauper graves are trowelled into the walls. Mostly deserted except for puppet shows of Charles Dickins’ A Christmas Carol and Punch and Judy. The scent of moorland. The presence of sea-gulls. These birds are newly free, and are leaving the city behind. Hellboy and the Spirit of Christmas-yet-to-come fly over Pacifics of lava, to the calm centre of Hell. Pandemonium rises like St Paul’s cathedral, like the whale skeleton opening the Natural History Museum, out of the constant flames. Green mountains face the outer walls to the north White water flows to the city’s lake by the east. From this spot where we part You will walk for ten thousand miles. 48

/ ART BY VAN ANH CHU

—Li Bai, 8th century, trans. Anne Carson The mural framing the proscenium arch in the library is called Phoenix. It was commissioned and unveiled in 1992 as part of the City of Brunswick’s public art program, designed and painted by Geoff Hogg, now an adjunct professor at RMIT. You could walk into the campus on Swanston Street, waylay him over his role developing the common language of public murals in the ‘70s. He designed/ painted the entrance foyer of the Melbourne Museum station, and the front of the School of Education building at the University of Melbourne. According to the RMIT faculty website: “In the years that followed, Geoff Hogg emphasised trans disciplinary practice, exploring collaboration and new contexts for curation and Public Art interventions… He developed what are said to be the first joint Public Art projects between Chinese and overseas artists in China… that draw on grassroots support at a local level to create links and develop imaginative connections for cultural dialogue and exchange.” I feel I am turning into Emily Brontë, my life around me like a moor, my ungainly body stumping over the mud flats with a look of transformation —Anne Carson, the Glass Essay So. Emily Dickinson, Andi, Kazimir and Drimlock are leading a dog into the temple district of Sigil. It’s an uppermiddle class region of the city, in comparison to the hive: there’s no omnipresent street garbage, the DM goes into more detail when describing the residents’ garb, the police are here, over your shoulder. Their guild name is

‘Harmonium’, the same as Wallace Stevens’ first collection of poetry, and a pump organ, generating sound as air flows past a piece of vibrating metal in the mahogany frame. Their direct opponents are the Revolutionary League, of which Emily Dickinson is a new member/librarian. According to the PlaneScape blog, the Harmonium were based on authoritarian philosophers like Carl Schmitt, Plato and evangelical preachers. They dislike being called “hardhats”. In the same blog, the revolutionary league is said to “believe man-made laws are inherently corrupt and must be destroyed—though none of their members can agree on what, if anything—should replace them.” Emily Dickinson— at this point—still believes she’s in a dream, that there is a rapture here. The party is looking for a sensorium, a place where memories can be externalised and streamed into your brain. They want to subject the dog to the process, to see where the bright light/source of the tentacle disease may be. The way the DM frames the scene is transactional: one stimulating novelty among an infinite array, for which an equally valuable gift should be offered. Emily Dickinson offers poetry, or memories of the fundamental unreality of the world, to which the proprietor raises her eyebrow. You’re in a metaphysical city sweetheart, she says. Andi flexes her muscles and makes persuasion checks, which she fails. I can’t remember what happens next, but we navigate it, and the dog is processed. Unfortunately, they roll a critical fail on the check to remember, or maybe Andi does communicating, or something, and the DM goes into exhaustive detail laying out the sensory apparatus of our good boi. The proprietor says something to the effect of If a lion could talk, we couldn’t understand them. What does ‘remember’ connote to a dog, anyway? The dog wags their tail. Emily Dickinson shape-shifts into ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ to do crime, back in the temple district, whose form she copied from a rich pedestrian.

Wallace Stevens walks through Hartford, Connecticut. He dictates poems to his secretary at the Accident and Indemnity Company, of which he is vice president. He walks to galleries of “Oriental” art, through the trees and then home. Bones on the moor Wind blows on them —Basho, 17th century, trans. Anne Carson On a blogpost for the Brunswick library, on the Mural, someone writes: “It does not depict Brunswick scenes, but rather it approaches the subject… the painting is full of historical references, many of which are of other places… The painting includes Turkish ceramic design, Victorian reproductions of classical figures, a classical Chinese poem of departure and an underlay of hands that may be seen as a reference to pre European settlement in the area… some of the hands could be of the people who built the library”. I ask someone at the desk for a translation, but they say there is none, you’d have to ask the guy who did it. It’s also Japanese, I think, they say. In Hell, Hellboy kills Satan with a knife, in a fugue state. He finds the crown prepared for him over the whole series, one to turn the fish of hell into his personal army, which he’s spent the whole time refusing. Pandemonium is empty. Back in Dis, the spirit of Christmas-yet-to come tells Hellboy everyone who wanted his power is gone. He is free: according to Wallace Stevens, “Nothing that is not there, and the nothing that is”. He walks around the city.

CREATIVE

Content Warning: familial and political LGBT discrimination

Back Home by Adelle Greenbury I saw you for the first time in 8 months today. I still got that bitter feeling in my stomach-chest (the back of my mouth grippy/stuck, an airlock) that I felt when I saw you for the last time all those months ago. Your face from a distance was a shape I still remember, with crevices I knew so well though those fingertip memories are useless to me now. I wanted to run, to run/disappear/set myself on fire— I wanted you to notice me but not say anything, I wanted you not to see me at all. The wet stone beneath my sneakers felt unstable, like it couldn’t bear holding me upright as I turned my head and walked in the other direction. I walked away and it felt like the sky was tilting and all I wanted to do was call my mum but I couldn’t because— because to her you don’t exist. In Indonesia, gay equals dirty.

I remember my mum’s friends gossiping (dark eyes darting, pink lips pursing around sour words) about another woman’s daughter who went to the USA about how it ‘turned her gay’ “she shouldn’t bring it back here.”

In my country, the government wants to convict us for living our truths. 141 men were arrested for dancing— dancing! All they were doing was dancing.

/ ART BY ALEXANDRA BURNS

Where I come from, one of my aunts runs a campaign against LGBT propaganda.

When I first heard I broke down and cried; salt-stained bedsheets and crusted eyes. No part of me wonders if I could change her mind.

Back home, my mum doesn’t know she exists. It’s autumn of 2017, and we’re out on our first date. Eight days earlier, five women were arrested in Medan for a kiss on the lips. We walk down the pier at sunset, the horizon bleeding honeyed red into the sea like the anger on the faces of the men who rushed into their home, who raided their things and pulled them out onto the streets. Nothing was found but the women were evicted, kicked out and shamed, nothing to say, no comment— (and they’re me, you see, they’re all me) The wood railing left splinters in my hands. “Things didn’t work with her,” I’d planned to say to my mum when I told her, “but that doesn’t make me any less of what I am.” I’ve got a boyfriend now, and he’s different and better—is better too harsh?—better for me. He’s got things she didn’t have: patience, a sense of humour, a dick. But when I’m the happiest I’ve ever been somehow the bitterness tastes worse, my own blood spilling on streets I’ve never walked, and my mother still thinks this is the only relationship I’ve ever been in; I don’t think my aunt would let me near her children if she knew; three trans women were hosed down outside of a salon in Lampung; legislators have called for the death penalty. (where is my country going? and will there ever be any place for me?) So I kept walking.

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Content Warning: explicit fantasy violence, blood and gore

MURAKAMI’S NIGHTMARE (808s & Fantasy Vol.2) by Luke Rotella INT. 808S CAFE – DUSK

DANTE Ah HARUKI, you’re back… Let me guess; honey tea, almost boiled—

MURUKAMI Not today paisano! I’ve had a VERY strange morning and it got me thinking deeply about the nature of our reality. DANTE Right… So, what can I get you today? MURUKAMI A notepad, a ball point pen and a glass of water; my socks are on fire! DANTE Another breakthrough? MURUKAMI Of sorts. I awoke this morning to the realisation that reality is as consistent today as it was yesterday… That’s deeply disturbing, don’t you think? DANTE *Laughs* I feel you Haruki. Sometimes I think it would be better if I were to slip into a coma and live in my own head for the rest of my life. MURUKAMI That’s the ticket! Dreams, visiting the hotel within! This isn’t a test of knowledge, learning or decoding; the institute has been looking at this linearly but the path forward doesn’t even take place in the 4th dimension. The answer to Telesphore’s writing relates back to the soul theory! Quick, paper! Sugar granules bounce off of the floor and settle into cracks between the tiles as Dante swipes his hand across the marble counter. A brief silence ensues, interrupted only by the clinking of the 12 stacked mugs wrestling their way out of Dante’s arms. The silence permeates the entire cafe before KERO BONITO’s ‘ONLY ACTING’ explodes from the IBM SURROUND speakers. Instinctively, Murukami begins to smash his foot against the ground to the beat and squint his eyes in pure admiration of the music. Before Dante retreats to the kitchen he jolts his head towards Murukami who sits hunched over the counter with complete bliss washed over his face. He notices Dante watching him and raises

/ ART BY HAYLEY MAY

his thumb sternly and concisely. Dante gives a half smile and lingers as Murukami holds the thumb stagnant. His pores begin to excrete water and his mouth drops as the sky fills with smoke behind Murukami. Bonito’s voice stagnates as she reaches an impassable lyric. Instead of bypassing it, she repeats it continuously in hope of completing the word. Both Dante and Murukami retreat to the window overlooking Melbourne as a foreign rumble disturbs the café’s quaint atmosphere. The two black figures stand silhouetted against the falling moon beyond the glass. Their attention remains glued to the rapidly descending white rock while the patrons bob their heads to the music in unison. A grey spiral of smoke and fire twists in the sky, hiding the void beyond. Dante begins to shake uncontrollably as his penis spews a green bile that leaks from his pants onto his leg, eating at his flesh. The song comes to an abrupt close and the window collapses as the moons gravitational pull disturbs the molecular composition of the café; warping and distorting the logic of the rooms items. Time expands and compresses like water flowing up and down the shore while light and sound distort separately of each other. A pane collapses onto Murukami, separating him in two. His legs twitch and his head opens its mouth as if to scream, but blood and miscellaneous viscera ooze from his throat. ?. MURUKAMI’S NIGHTMARE OF MELBOURNE - ? Murukami sits in a sole green bog in an ashen wasteland, knees pinned to ground by rusting nails. His arms, detached, caress and cradle his head as an acid wind blows harshly. A consistent whimper falls from his lips as he recites a collection of words scribbled on a piece of paper nailed to his chest, reflecting the red sunlight. MURUKAMI ? Beyond him, the landscape of derelict streets and towering skyscrapers flows like blood spewing from a wound. Its grand citadels, rolling green hills and ashen wastelands are stitched together in an amalgamated nightmare that explodes outwards. The ground, sky and air all out of order like a sequence of overlapping, non-sensical dreams. Lines of petrified corpses plunge forward onto their blades as an endless stream of blood pours from their chests forming a shallow veil of bloody water. It barely masks the viscera and fleshy lumps overflowing from storm drains and manholes. Rain pounds on the backs of the fallen samurai. As it slides across down their flesh, it rips and drags the remaining skin towards the gravitational centre of the swords plunged through their torsos. A forlorn expression plagues the frozen congregate as they grasp and claw at the surrounding metallic saplings, their mouths ripped open as though they needed to scream but their jaws were nailed together. The green ooze surrounding Murukami, the streets, the air, the fallen samurai all fold into each other. Directions, time and space cease to exist. There is only Murukami and the towering beast that lies over him in the infinite void. It speaks through unconceivable means before disappearing for good.

CREATIVE

Studio Flat by Angelina Mazza It’s a passive act1 to survive entirely on spinach2 & food textures more usually chewed3 in the thick of an apocalyptic-type emergency4 bones are so full of gravity it’s hard for us to5 be patient, I’m trying, it’s for you6 & now when your voice comes to me7 & leaves holes in the8 wet plaster9 we are alone because someone forgot our names10

Nikki Wallschlaeger, ‘Mosquitoland’, https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/mosquitoland

Jan Kemp, ‘The Ballad of Donna Quixote’, https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/ballad-donna-quixote

Kris Hemenskey, ‘Tangley Lodge’, https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/tangley-lodge

Richard Wehrenberg, ‘Epistemological’, https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/epistemological

Kaveh Akbar, ‘Morning Prayer with Rat King’, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/145990/morning-prayer-with-rat-king

Gail Mazur, ‘I Wish I Want I Need’, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46806/i-wish-i-want-i-need

Alistair Pasterson, ‘a cappella’, https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/cappella

Yusef Komunyakaa, ‘Instructions for Building Straw Huts’, https://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/instructions-building-straw-huts

Marge Piercy, ‘To have without holding’, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/57672/to-have-without-holding

Antonino Mazza, ‘Forest’, Canadian Literature no 111, University of British Columbia, 1986.

/ ART BY ANJANA RAM

Found poem from The Naughty Book for Girls by Candice Hill, which maintains a 1.83 star review on Goodreads.

How to Emulate the Love Queens by Angelina Mazza Trick 1. Cook up a swarm of killer bees and rotate enticingly around it. Keep it on during sex and he’ll love you forever Trick 2. Look up the symptoms of bubonic plague a clinically tested aphrodisiac Trick 3. A sci-fi vibrator should be handfed to your lover in the next-door garden It’s saucy and generous all in one go Trick 4. Chase boys… chase boys… chase boys… with lots of foamy soap and capitalize on it At best it leads to sad thoughts and everlasting Meeeooww Trick 5. Can you roast a chicken seductively? Does your underwear feel like a chastity belt? Do U believe in luv at 1st site or do I have 2 walk by again? Don’t be stupid. This isn’t 1850s South Carolina. Sex is as natural as eating an ice lolly but it’s a lot easier if you’ve got ‘SCREW YOU!’ written across your chest in felt tip Yes, sometimes it’s good to be bad.

Content Warning: death, fantasy violence

HOUSE ADS:

igorous study has shown that brick is the best, as well as the most robust, housing material, and is proving to be very popular in today’s housing market. However, experts forecast that now is not the time to invest in buildings as there is a huge blow of wind coming that could puff the houses down. Risk calculated to be a certainty.

SCAM WARNING:

uthorities have received a tip-off that the reward advertised for the lamp is a scam with treasure hunters going missing. They haven’t been heard from their families since. Treasure hunters who have returned have arrived shaken, claiming that either the lamp they retrieved was a fake or that they were swindled with a fake reward. Anybody with information regarding the scam and those responsible is advised to go to the authorities. The Fairytale Gazette is conducting its own investigation into how the advertisement made its way into our edition’s last paper. We apologise to any readers who believed it to be a genuine treasure hunt.

CRIME ANNOUNCEMENT

hief last spotted in Princess Row. Lock your doors and put dragons on guard. Thief wanted after stealing a golden harp and for the alleged manslaughter of a giant man. The giant’s grieving wife is willing to grant a generous reward for turning in the boy. Described as a young scoundrel, smelling like an Englishman and muddy farm fields. Last seen wearing tattered clothing and shimmying down a beanstalk, the site of the husband’s death.

RIDING HOOD BITES BACK

fter damning allegations that Red Riding Hood left her missing grandmother to fend for herself in the woods, she has now pronounced that her grandmother has been found dead at the edge of the woods. Red Riding Hood states that she saw the grandmother being abducted and then pounced on by a wolf. She was unable to stop it before a huntsman nearby stepped in to chase it away. The grandmother was deceased by the time help arrived. “Her body had been mauled by a wolf,” she said tearfully at her grandmother’s funeral yesterday. “Just claw marks everywhere. Something must be done about that horrible creature.” Many have wondered over how Red could have found her grandmother in the vast wilderness of the woods and her motive, given her past comments disrespecting the area. Red Riding Hood claims that the night before she found the body, she was out searching for her grandmother to allay suspicion that she had been involved in the grandmother’s disappearance. Others are not convinced. When looking at the grandmother’s body, investigators have concluded that it is unlikely it was claw marks, but knife marks, that cut the grandmother’s life short. “Red Riding Hood might not have held the knife, but she might have had a hand in it,” a police investigator has speculated. “If it was a wolf, it might have been bewitched to do Red Riding Hood’s bidding,” another investigator said. “It’s unlikely that this is the case, but we must pursue all avenues of inquiry.”

/ ART AND LAYOUT BY TIFFANY WIDJAJA

Red Riding Hood insists that it was a wolf and strongly denies these witchcraft allegations against her. Instead, she now claims that a wolf spoke to her and bewitched her. It allegedly tried to persuade her to kill her grandmother. “With its big eyes, big ears and big teeth, opening and closing its mouth as if speaking,” Red Riding Hood says. “It was chilling, and I was almost prompted to do it but I couldn’t cause it was my gran. It’s lucky the huntsman came when he did.” Her comments have sparked a search for the wolf in this superstitious village today and a wolf has been brought into custody. In the interrogation, the wolf wouldn’t speak but growled. This prompted calls for him to be put to death and the execution is expected to go ahead. However, an animal specialist is crying wolf on the allegations. “Wolves can’t speak human. They speak wolf,” they argue. “If Red Riding Hood had heard the wolf then, why can’t she decipher it now?” Some are sceptical and believe that it was not the wolf, but Red Riding Hood employed the Huntsman to kill her grandmother due to bad blood between the two of them over the years. “Bitterness, not love, is what drives that family,” a village source said. Red Riding Hood says she can’t believe that people are using her grandmother’s death as rumour meat. The investigation into the grandmother’s disappearance and subsequent death is ongoing.

BY ALISON FORD /

ART BY TIFFANY WIDJAJA /

Lemon or Lime by Catherine Lee

he’s already drunk. You show up to the party at midnight. She’s on the orange couch, wrapped up with one of Jack’s friends you’ve never met, making him laugh, her hand, his thigh, she’s glowing. Is this the party you’d been invited to? A tentative door knock, followed by Jack embracing you in a too-tight hug, confirms you have stumbled into the correct house. He yells your name upon entrance, and Luca spins away from her handsome stranger, bounds towards you. She can smell the sobriety on you. That needs to change. You oblige and take the shot, but when she pours the second one, you warn her you have to drive in the morning. Not a good excuse. Luca chants: She gets it down in eight! Seven! The chorus joins; Six! Five! Four! And you drink the vodka and she takes your hand, your blood pumping, your throat burning. In a good way. You once knew Luca only as the bartender with intentionally odd socks. When she’d come to work, one ankle showed off a pattern of eggs, sunny side up, the other illustrated with bacon rashers. You were the dishwasher back then. Your stainless-steel sink was hidden away in the back room, along with piles of glasspolishing cloths and your persistent boredom. The concrete grey room was lit only by a fluorescent bulb and the glow of the dishwashing machine buttons. You came home after every shift caked in the remnants of uneaten bar snacks and splashed with the smell of industrialstrength detergent. Luca would bring a special delivery of dirty glasses now and then, interrupting your boredom with another story of a crazy customer that you could swear she made up. Then she’d go back outside. Luca’s leading you outside now, because Jack’s house has a pool, apparently. A myriad of skinner dippers make you avert your eyes—the debauchery continues out here. You’re relieved when Luca keeps her underwear on, because that means you do too. For tonight only, your

/ ART BY AMANI NASARUDIN

balconette bra transforms into the epitome of modesty. She dives right in where another of Jack’s handsome friends swims, Henry, you think his name is, from the way you hear her place it at the end of every flirty sentence. You walk down the steps, and it’s cold, but not cold enough to leave yet. What is a guy like you doing at a party like this, Henry? Pass that beer. I like your bathers, Henry. She sounds practiced. It’s probably not her first time chatting up a skinny dipper. He has a smug sip of his beer. She swims away a little and then closer. His beer goes back to the ledge of the pool. Your stomach hurts. Months ago, when the manager told you the dishwashing days were over, your stomach flipped over and over. Luca was your teacher that weekend. She taught you to pour cider from the tap, to do that little twist of the bottle so wine doesn’t spill down the edge of the glass, to ask the customer would you like lemon or lime with that G&T? That weekend turns hazy in your memory, as if written by a romance novelist. You remember her hand clasped around your hand clasped around a cocktail shaker. She was laughing mercilessly as your first attempt at foaming the head of the beer became a bubble bath. You fed her coffee beans intended as martini garnishes, when the manager wasn’t looking of course, and she let you. You first bartending weekend was how your interactions with Luca moved beyond the concrete back room, into a space where she’d get drinks with you after work, and text to make sure you got home safe. You’d go to sleep at night then wake up to find she’d tagged you in another Facebook meme. At work the next day, she’d greet you with a quick kiss on the cheek. She’s dangerously close to kissing Henry, you’re sure of it, when a drunken voice from somewhere inside the house declares loudly: Maccas is here! He and the others clamber out hastily, grabbing for the already dampened towels that hang around the pool railing. But you know

it’s colder out than in. Luca must have the same idea, because she doesn’t trail after Henry. She swims over and swings an arm around you and pulls you in towards her, so casually it’s as if she hasn’t noticed you’re both seminaked and soaking wet. Girls will be girls. Especially when they’ve been on the vodka raspberries all night. Jack makes his grand return holding the red waxed cardboard box of French fries high above his head. He sits on the ledge to dangle his feet in the water, and passes the greasy vessel forward. My saviour, Luca says through a mouthful of lukewarm potato, grinning. You can’t even resent Jack for interrupting your time with her. Anyone would want to bring French fry ecstasy to that girl, given the chance. She glows with it. It was your birthday drinks last time her arm was around you. It’s only been three weeks since then, you were in Fitzroy at yet another rooftop bar, basking in the suburban sunset. Your gift came in a plastic shopping bag. Couldn’t find any wrapping paper, Luca told you. The wooden table was littered with disposable paper coasters, and as you emptied your gift onto it, she laughed so hard, entirely impressed with herself. She had a dimple when she smiled all big like that—just one, on the left side. Fuck you, you said while laughing, failing to pretend to be mad. Coffee beans were split out all over the table. Time for another espresso martini! Luca said, squeezing your hand and heading inside to the drinks counter, buying the next round. That night of your birthday she was too drunk to even take the train home. She stayed at yours, rolling over and over in the night, the caffeination unrelenting. You were awake first, so you made eggs. Sourdough toast, a little on the underdone side. Extra butter, and a fair sprinkle of salt. Luca was drawn into the kitchen by the smell of bacon, wearing one of your oversized t-shirts and still rubbing sleep out of her eyes. Sunny-side up, you told her.

Marry me, she said, with that bleary-eyed only-just-wokeup dimply smile. She wasn’t awake enough to be alert— she couldn’t have intended to be that beautiful that early. But she was still somehow glowing. Luca steps out of the pool now and you watch while she’s shivering, squealing, covered in tiny goosebumps and shaking droplets of water off. You stay, stunned. A few minutes later she slides back in, tells you what she found inside—they’re all asleep, even Henry. It’s 4am now and you and she are the only inhabitants of this pool and vodka is always a convenient excuse. There are cracked tiles and drowned McDonalds chips below, and the stars above are fading as the sun threatens to creep up. You’re both exhausted. But her chlorinated kisses keep you awake. You’ll wake up late on Jack’s living room floor, next to her. You won’t have slept much at all—it’s harder when you’re pretending you can’t hear her breathing. Maybe you’ll have shared her sleeping bag, maybe you won’t have. You’ll be to her left, so when she rolls onto her back, you’ll be able to see that little stretched part of her skin where the dimple is. She’ll wake up after you, and you’ll pretend you weren’t looking for that long. She’ll have to go straight away, she’s supposed to have lunch with her parents and she’s going to be late. Then, that night, she’ll be out again, this time with Henry, or maybe the guy on the couch from the start whose name you never got. She’ll take him to a bar, one with a rooftop. She’ll text you in maybe a week, wanting to get coffee, and you’ll go, pretending to remember nothing. Meanwhile, you’re at work in the night time, pouring ciders, shaking cocktails, and feeling the lemon or lime juice underneath your hangnails. Where it stings.

Messages by Hannah Wu can’t see the sky in this rave dungeon we got in for the big harold DJ set and he was (as usual) playing far out shit, felt like we were in blade runner especially when a half naked woman inside a plastic bag with flashing lights started dancing on a platform what did you get up to last night? i drank a bottle of jacob’s creek and went to sleep matched with my ex on tinder didn’t see that one coming sorry ur back in emotional turbulence shit city, well.......... im on hold at Centrelink probs about to get indicted with tax fraud did you know Paris Hilton was the first 20th century existential philosopher? her manifesto, ‘The Stars are Blind’ broke new territory upon its release people who aren’t forced to confront cultural forces think that they transcend them The Thing is, most art is just bitching about your parents …….. or your exes! there is a new underground train station that is being built in the city and there are all these tiny little mice scuttling around the state library bc they’ve been displaced and i keep having those boring conversations, with lit bros, who are always banging on about classics but guess what? you don’t even need to have read them just go look at the wikipedia page!

/ ART BY MORGAN-LEE SNELL

i’m a crumpled up piece of paper, lying here Taylor Swift was talking about a breakup when she wrote that and i feel it too.......... im crawling under my bed to find the croissant i didn’t eat yesterday god, living is so morbidly embarrassing! baby, just take care of yourself i’m trying would you rather, when you sweat, you sweat honey, or you can only speak and write latin? i want to be dripping in gold honey sticky, delicious, sweeter than sugar but the vatican does have a certain allure to it found some more of your stuff flower crop top, passport photos, some socks, other things i want to apologise again for the last few times i’ve unloaded onto you, wish i could go back and not do that the thing is, i love you but not in the way you want me to did you know that santa was a necromancer saint nicholas ate pies filled with children who died from the famine I think it’s inherited from a young age …….. To be cruel…….. Will you still remember i exist in April? how did writing your poetry assessment go i wrote a really good statement of intention, almost convinced myself that i had actually meant those things when i was starting out haha wbu?

Content Warning: this piece contains explicit references to the Kashmiri Pandit ethnic cleansing in 1990. It mentions murder, kidnapping and abduction, torture, brutal violence, rape and suicide.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Exile by Deeksha Koul

ome weeks ago, after we had had our dinner, my friend and I lingered at the dining table. She mentioned she had read something about political unrest in Kashmir. I nodded, and sensing she expected me to speak further to this, attempted to provide her an exposition of the ‘Kashmir Problem,’ as though it were a maths puzzle, stringing together a litany of terms I’ve become so familiar with: insurgency, militancy, self-determinacy, azadi, genocide, forced expulsion, exile. My account seemed to satisfy, and before we moved onto cake and tea, she tilted her head, ran her fingers through her hair, and said to me, ‘You have such an interesting background.’ Background. That which is behind, past, distant, fragment of scenery, out of focus, throwing into relief a foreground. That which is apart, forgone, incidental, closed. Background. Lying in bed later, gazing at the ceiling and feeling suddenly nauseated, I realised it wasn’t at all the correct spatial metaphor. Centre, I thought, was more accurate. Or, just, Beginning, Middle, End. That stuff which is woven into the fabric of my every day, stitched through the simplest of acts, always on the tip of my tongue, and breathing, blooming alive. As yet unfinished, and terribly important. As I lay awake I played Geeta Dutt songs. Her songs, like mothers’ milk, are songs I’ve always known, and my parents have always known. They’re songs my grandmother once sang to me in her thin voice. They’re songs that clap me apart. Waqt ne kiya kya haseen sitam Tum rahe na tum Hum rahe na hum Time has made of us such a gorgeous tragedy You remained not you I remained not me The first person in my family not born in the Kashmir Valley, I entered the world in the plains of neighbouring Jammu, an insignificant spot of a city teeming with Shiva temples and open fields which grow some of the world’s best cannibis, or kala sona, it’s known locally: black gold. I was born after the events of 1990, when four hundred thousand members of the Kashmiri Pandit community— my community—as targets of ethnic cleansing fled our ancestral homes, fearing for our lives, and so, became refugees in our own country. The Pandits’ position as a Hindu minority had for centuries been relatively precarious in Kashmir. But when, in the 1980s, the Americans callously furthered their strategic interests by arming mujahideen to combat the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan, they also set militancy ablaze across the subcontinent. In Kashmir, violence burst forth in a turbulent wave of 62

/ ART BY LUCY WILLIAMS

radicalisation which deepened already nascent antiIndia sentiments, and saw the Pandits increasingly characterised as mukhbirs, untrustworthy agents of the Indian government. We were wanted out. And in time, there were targeted killings, and there were mass killings, and on 19 January 1990, one day before the brutalisations of a massacre on Srinigar’s Gawkadal bridge, loudspeakers from the pulpit of every mosque in the city simultaneously issued this decree: Zalzalaa aaya hai kufr ke maidaan main Lo mujahid aa gaye maidaan main Behold this earthquake in the world of the idolaters The mujahids have arrived ready to fight

That stuff which is woven into the fabric of my every day, stitched through the simplest of acts, always on the tip of my tongue, and breathing, blooming alive.

Thousands were killed. Some deaths were publicised, but most were not. Over time, every family accreted its own stories. Many became part of an unfathomable canon known by every Kashmiri Pandit: founts of a horrific knowledge, immuring our collective consciousness, and resounding with our grief. It was like this: March 1990. On the morning thirty-six-year-old B. K. Ganju is due to leave Kashmir for good, two men brandishing Kalashnikovs force their way into his house. He hides himself inside a large rice barrel in his attic. Unable to find him, the men leave, but return shortly after, having been informed by his neighbour of his whereabouts. Bullets are fired into the barrel. His wife is forcibly fed blood-soaked rice. April 1990. Three armed men arrive in the deep night at the house of sixty-six-year-old Sarwanand Kaul, an eminent local poet. His house is

ransacked for family gold and the loot is rammed into a suitcase. Then, he and his son, Virender, are asked to carry the suitcase out of their house. Their lynched bodies are later found hanging from two walnut trees. They have also been shot, their eyes hollowed out, their bones broken, and their bodies burned with lit cigarettes. Iron nails have been hammered into their foreheads. June 1990. Twenty-eight-year-old Girija Tiku travels interstate to Kashmir to collect her salary. On the first morning of her arrival, she is kidnapped by four men, one of whom is a former colleague. She is blindfolded and gang-raped in the back seat of a taxi, before being taken to a lumber mill, where her live body is cleanly bifurcated with a mechanical saw. Its pieces are found along a roadside some days later. October 1990. Three militants barge into a large, red brick house in Srinagar. It is very early in the morning. The house’s owner, frail and elderly, descends the stairs, exclaiming, ‘What’s happening?’ The militants open fire on him and he dies immediately. They then shoot his wife in her legs and say, ‘You must live to tell this story.’ This man is my great-grandfather’s brother. His name is Maheshwar Nath Bhat. My parents were married in his house. Today it is a hotel. This is how we died. This is how we exhume ourselves and bear witness. Exile is like this: being haunted by revenants. History rarely has sharp endings but, for us, 1990 was one such ending. Those who lost their homes overnight lost also their sense of who they were in the world. Many, like my grandparents, who for months had doused themselves in kerosene, prepared to self-immolate and save their bodies from torture at the hands of militants, were transmuted into shadows of themselves. But those like me, born after our exodus, we lost all we had never had. We became displaced, uprooted, unmoored. We were set adrift, we were deracinated. Our identities were constituted by a great void. We became those who dreamt of a home we had never known, nor likely ever would. That night my friend came over, I unraveled. My story became palpable again, and inside me it throbbed. And after my nausea finally passed, and my recurrent vomiting came to an end, it seemed to me that my self was protesting, through my body, its absence in the world. It was saying, Not me, not me, what she sees is not me.

It is like this: Being an outsider in all places, at all times. Being intimate with groundlessness. I want to make clear that I was not upset with my friend that night. No, I was struggling instead to dwell in my own self, to swim across the cataract of trauma I inherited. An exile has no homecoming, no shore in sight. An exile is not misplaced; she is placeless. Our families broke apart after the exodus, as we made new lives wherever, however we could. We could never go home again, after all. An entire community became a diaspora. And now the only Kashmiris left in me and my brother’s lives are our parents, with whom we emigrated from India when he was eight and I was five, and who live on the other side of Australia. I try to visit them a few times throughout the year, and when I am in their house, we stretch out with blankets on the rug, and sip kahwah, and sing songs. As we sit together, the three of us, there are many things we are never able to say. I realise now that I was grappling with language that night my friend came over. All our selves are storied, and all our selves refuse summation, but how do I begin to tell my story if I cannot sound it in my own language? Franz Fanon once wrote that we bear a civilisation’s weight when we speak, when we write. But these words I write do not sustain any civilisation I can call mine. This language does not feel like mine, it does not roll off my tongue, does not feel as though it were made for me. Reader: How can we meet? I do not have the right words. When I’m unable to shore by gratitude the despair of my universal foreignness, I listen to Kendrick and I exhume my rage. Feel like I don’t wanna be bothered / I feel like you may be the problem / I feel like it ain’t no tomorrow, fuck the world / The world is ending, I’m done pretending / And fuck you if you get offended. Like this: Exile is expulsion; it is also nonarrival. Beneath my friend’s remarks, I’ve come to realise, lay innocence, a simple wanting to know. And here it strikes me that she, like so many others I care for and admire, will never know me as much as I know them. Some relationships will remain asymmetric. But this, perhaps, is no calamity. I carry my people’s story, my story: I survive. 63

COLUMN

THE CREATIVE LITERATURE AND WRITING SOCIETY PRESENTS: THE REMARKABLE QUESTS OF RADDISH AND QUILL

THE SEA-VENTURE by Mannik Singh

“A

iden! Amy!” Quill cawed, looking ahead at their glossy white tails. They had been flying ahead of Quill for quite some time now, almost tirelessly. “Is everything alright, Quilly?” Amy responded, nudging Aiden. Aiden, at once, stopped fluttering his wings, and the pair glided gracefully through the air, slowing down just enough for Quill to catch up. Behind them, the orange hues of the evening were slowly diffusing into the navies of the night sky. The silver

twinkling stars had finally started to make an appearance, and the Moon and the Sun sang in perfect harmony as they crossed each other’s paths. “We’ve been flying for days. Are you sure we’re on the right track back home?” Quill gasped, huffing in exhaustion. They’d thought all the yoga would’ve better prepared them for such a feat. Alas, they were barely managing to flutter their wings cohesively. “Well, the magnetic map seems to be pointing towards the direction we’re flying, so I’m sure we’ll be home soon, Quilly!” Aiden squarked in encouragement. “Hang in there, buddy, we’re almost there!” Raddish purred from atop Amy’s back. They held out a soft orange paw, which Quill gratefully perched upon. Aiden and Amy looked at each other and smiled. Old Mr Jack Lee, meanwhile, sat still upon Aiden’s back with his eyes closed, as though meditating deeply. The smell of the ocean had been troubling Quill all throughout their journey to Iceland. And now, on their way back to Butter Town, it had become unbearable. It reminded Quill of bad sushi—specifically, the tuna sushi 64

/ ART BY STEPHANIE NESTOR

from their Capybara neighbours’ new sushi shop. Every single time Quill went outside for their morning jog, they came running right back in to escape the smell. But the smell of the ocean also reminded Quill of those musty old socks Raddish refused to throw out. Raddish hated throwing out things. Their room was cluttered with items that were of no use to them anymore—empty perfume bottles, chipped china teacups, and about twenty jars that once contained scented candles. Quill knew, however, that the socks were special. They had been a gift from Raddish’s grandmother, who had spent a hundred nights knitting

them. And they were the colour of Raddish’s fur—bright orange. It was a perfect gift for Raddish—they could even wear them outside with thongs! Ah, what a gift! Quill thought. “If I had them, I wouldn’t be throwing them out, either” they continued, aloud. “What?” Raddish asked in confusion. “What, what?” Quill replied. “What, what, what?” Aiden and Amy said in unison, and this went on for a while. Seeing Quill’s state, Old Mr Jack Lee started scouring for something through his robes, which were almost touching the surface of the ocean a hundred meters beneath them. The ocean was vast, blue and infinite, just like his robes. Finally, he found what he’d been searching for—a, seemingly infinitely long gummy-worm! “Here Quill, take some of this! I know you love lollies!” He said, handing one end of the worm to Quill. And that wasn’t all Old Mr Jack Lee’s robes had to offer.

To Aiden, he handed a tin of sardines that didn’t seem to finish. To Amy, he gave a bag of nachos that tasted like guacamole, salsa and cheese dip all at the same time. And to Raddish, at last, a cup of warm English tea. After lying under the dynamic play of lights of the Icelandic sky, the powers of Old Mr Jack Lee had become unprecedented. Only a few hours before, Old Mr Lee had conjured (out of thin air!) a saddle for himself that perfectly fit Aiden’s back. The day before he’d materialised an entire four course meal for the troupe. Every time Old Mr Jack Lee scoured through his robes, or touched the red ribbon that still decorated his infinitely long white beard, Quill could only think of one thing that they hoped Old Mr Lee could conjure—an aeroplane, or at least a small helicopter. They’d even slightly hinted at

it once. But all that came of their efforts was a remote controlled aeroplane toy for Raddish to play with. Raddish had laughed, and happily accepted this gift. Two days later, whilst playing with the toy out of boredom, Raddish accidentally sent it whizzing right past Aiden’s face. The poor albatross was, at once, taken aback and stopped fluttering his wings long enough to lose control and send Old Mr Lee tumbling into the blue water below. To everyone’s surprise Old Mr Lee emerged completely dry, with only a seahorse entangled in his white beard to show for his dip in the ocean. The poor seahorse looked just as confused as Aiden. Of course, Raddish then had to apologise to both of them, which Quill couldn’t help but laugh at. It was one of the highlights of the whole trip. “QUAAAA” the pair of albatross squawked.

Quill shook themself out of their reverie. In the distance—where the sun still lingered above the horizon and the sky appeared particularly bright—a shoreline arose out of the nothingness. Raddish screamed in excitement. Quill let out a sigh of relief; they were glad to see the sight of land, to know that soon enough they could finally relax. They had done enough aerial cardio for a lifetime. All Quill wanted was to take a long hot shower and immerse themself in their cosy bed. “Oh honey, this doesn’t look like home! Where is our mellow, yellow Buttertown?” Amy asked Aiden. A brown coastal sand, about a million bamboo and timber boats, and a seemingly urbanised yet chaotic city lay before them. “Raddish” Quill said, somewhere between disappointed and terrified, “Where are we?” “If only I could read those words. What language is that?” Raddish asked, trying to make sense of the

curvy lines and dots that adorned the flags of those tiny bamboo boats. “Uh oh!” Aiden said, guiltily. “What happened, darling?” Amy said. “Is everything alright?” “Uhhhhh, no! QUAAA! The magnetic map was broken all along. I don’t know where we are!” Raddish and Quill looked at each other, scared, yet excited, at the uncertainty that lay ahead of them.

FOR AND AGAINST: BATHS FOR BY CATRIONA SMITH

AGAINST BY SARAH PETERS

icture this: you’ve come home after a long hard day at uni and you have sore muscles and you want to relax. You lounge back in the bath with a good skin treatment, a glass of wine and a book. This level of comfort cannot be achieved in the shower. Baths are good for your skin, your muscles. Furthermore, rubber duckies aren’t as good in the shower. Bubbles make the most sense in the bath and you can lay back and relax with them or bubble beards. That’s my next point. Bubble beards. Ever wanted to feel like Santa or Abe Lincoln without your face itching? Bubble beards. For the glasses wearers out there, you can’t wear them in the shower. For my next point, I want to talk about bathing with other people. Yes, it’s squishy in the bath but at least you’re not constantly cold. Also for anyone who has ever seen the 2008 cinematic masterpiece Wild Child, you’ve definitely day dreamed about lying back in a (separate) bath tub from all your friends and plotting how to get kicked out of a prestigious boarding school. Bath tubs are also incredibly useful outside of the purpose of cleaning yourself. If people get too drunk at your house you can put them to sleep in your bath and not have to worry about the mess they make. On the point of messiness, babies need baths. They can’t stand up to have a shower. Furthermore, as a kid you just wanted to turn your shower into a bath and float around because baths are so incredible. As we have recently seen, baths can also be incredibly profitable. You can’t sell shower water but you can sell bath water. And let’s be real, if you cry in a shower it’s an anxiety attack if you cry in the bath it’s self care. And in the end, the ocean is just a big bath. If you like going to the beach, you like baths. “Bath is actually a lovely town” - Fiona Sanders “If you have a clawfooted bath, you can pretend you’re a 1700s lady” - Jordan Tochner “You can’t have a spa shower” - Also Fiona Sanders “You can turn all the lights off and go under the water and pretend you’re back in the womb” - Olivia Menzies “You don’t meet gay men in gay showers, you meet them in gay baths” - Blake Atmaja

/ ART BY MEERNA YOUSIF

hy would I want to sit stewing in my own filth? After a long day at work, I really don’t want to be sitting in the leftover coffee grains that I’ve attracted. I’m not a long black or a latte, I need to be properly clean. In a bath even if you wipe the grime off you, it still lingers afterwards. Are there other people in the house who have bathed before you or after you? Feels dirty and not the good kind. Further, the water is going to go cold in a bath. It’s winter. I want Queen of Dragons hot water and having to adjust the temperature constantly is going to repeatedly waste more water. Who’s to say that the temperature remains consistent either, how long is your perfect bath going to be “just right”? I’m betting on not long. Our time-orientated society also limits how long it’s going to take to fill your bath. How am I supposed to cook, eat, study, work and find time for myself if I’m waiting for a bath to fill? I may only have ten minutes and unless my tub is just the kitchen sink – it probably won’t fill in time. I’ve seen baths overflow. You have to be patient and if I’m going to defeat this capitalistic society, I need to be warm and clean now. Baths are not economical. I know self-care with bath bombs are a huge thing right now, but does any of this sound like self-care? A cold, stew-like bath in the 12.7 minutes you have left of your day? Yeah you can make bubble beards and live among the clouds. You won’t grow a genuine white beard if you’re still loitering in the bath. All baths are, are actionless dreams. Consider this: you can do cool things like eat fruit (oranges are the best) in the shower and feel the juices all over. What a liberating experience! What’s more is you can re-enact ‘Livin La Vida Loca’ dancing in the rain and you get the choice of the Ricky Martin or Fairy Godmother version! In the bath you’re restricted to calming music, but I want something to rock out to instead! A walk, messaging friends, pulling on a onesie – there are countless things better than a bath. Maybe even think about having a drink of water instead. Oh wait, you can’t drink the bathwater you’ve just been stewing in.