Knots of Agoraios

knots of Agoraios

ABSTRACT “Nothingness is the source of anxiety.”1 “What makes mass society so difficult to bear is not the number of people involved... but the fact that the world between them has lost its power to gather them together, to relate and to separate them.”2 Almost as a manifestation of Hannah Arendt’s statement on the modern world stands the agoraphobia, the fear of the open public spaces. Today, with the rationalization of space following the modernism, the public space has mostly become a form of emptiness. It almost lost its sentimental quality as a space where the meeting and momentary knotting of the paths occur. This loss does not only create a replacement of the ancient agora with the empty space, but also creates a spatial and semantic trauma. The etymological richness of the word agora reveals further ties of agoraphobia with this trauma.

The project questions the possibility of an anamnesis of the public space with essentially the etymological study of agora and the reinterpretation of Freud’s free word association technique.

Within this context, 20 testimonies from agoraphobic patients are rearranged through the common and/or synonymous words they share, forming dream-like knots. The site-writing piece is a compilation of these knots. It is a fictional dream journal for Agoraios, the wanderer of the agora. It forms a written attempt to trace or re-enact the lost phenomena of crossing of the paths in the public space, where each page becomes the representation of agora and each knot the crossing of the paths.

The piece is composed of 4 chapters, which are formed by the association of the etymology and the knots.

1 2

Jean-Paul Sartre.

Hannah Arrendt. The Human Condition, pp. 52-53.

Anttila, R. (2009). Historical And Comparative Linguistics. Amsterdam: John

Benjamins Pub Co. Carter, P. (2002). Repressed Spaces: The Poetics of Agoraphobia. London: Reaktion

Books.

Mackie, S. (2010). Psychospace. (Postgraduate). Dundee University.

Martin, E. The Potentiality Of Ethnography And The Limits Of Affect Theory.

Current Anthropology, 54(S7), S149-S158. doi:10.1086/670388 Sartre, J.P. ‘Being and Nothingness’ Vidler, A. (1991). Agoraphobia: Spatial Estrangement in Georg Simmel and

Siegfried Kracauer. New German Critique, 54, pp.31-45.

Milun, K. (2007). Pathologies of Modern Space. New York: Taylor & Francis Group.

Freud, S. Free verbal association method, Dream interpretation Vincent. (1991). Confessions of an Agoraphobic Victim. The American Journal of Psychology, 30, pp. 295-299.

Trigg, D. (2012). Confessions Of An Agoraphobic Victim. The White Review.

[online] <http://www.thewhitereview.org/feature/confessions-of-an- agoraphobic-victim/> Capps, L. and Ochs, E. (2010). Constructing Panic: Discourses of Agoraphobia.

Harvard University Press.

Deutsche, R. (1996). Agoraphobia. Evictions: Art and Spatial Politics. MIT Press.

pp. 269-329.

Davidson, J. Phobic Geographies, The Phenomenology and Spatiality of Identity.

Ashgate Publishing.

Daniels, J.B. (2013). Philosophy of Anxiety. (Undergraduate). Trinity College.

Simmel, G. (1971). The Metropolis and Mental Life. On Individuality and Social Forms. Ed. Donald Levine. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

BARC0077 | Site-Writing Fatma Zeyneb Onsiper 25.04.2019

agra agora

agra.

the act of taking

I was inside a very busy shopping precinct, and all of a sudden it happened: in a matter of seconds I was like a mad woman

and I felt more and more frantic bizarre, baseless and

with the fear that I could become insane.

It was like a nightmare; everything went black and sweat poured out of me-my body, my hands and even my hair got wet through. All the blood seemed to drain out of me; I went as white as a ghost. I felt as if I were going to collapse; it was as if I had no control

I was going to completely lose control over my limbs; my back and legs were very weak.

It was as if I had been taken over by some stronger force,

devilish feeling that possessed me. This evil thing threatened to rob me off my identity, then, everything seemed to disintegrate.

to be taken. to be possessed. to take control. to lose control.

agra.

the act of taking

Suddenly, sensations stronger and stranger than any I had previously known charged through my body. I turned and twisted and tried to remove the devilish feelings that possessed me.

As if I had been taken over by some

stronger force...

This evil thing threatened to rob me of my identity. Everything seemed to disintegrate.

to be taken. to be possessed. to take control. to lose control.

agra.

the act of taking

I was in a shopping centre, with my sister, and that was when I really got a full-blown, out of control,

I had no control,

panic attack, where I was standing in the shop with her, and just, all of a sudden, my world just, the world started spinning, and I just thought I was going totally out of control,

no control over my limbs.

My legs started going weak, um, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t focus on anything, um, I really started shaking, almost hot and cold chills going down me, um, rapid heart beats and I just actually thought I was going to collapse right there. Terrible nausea, and em, my sister was looking at me and saying, you know, you are absolutely white as a ghost!

to be taken. to be possessed. to take control. to lose control.

agra.

the act of taking

I just felt that, like, I was going to completely lose control

as if I had no control over my limbs full-blown, out-of-control and I was terrified that I was going to fall over, or I would make a fool of myself really... I just thought that people would be watching.

to be taken. to be possessed. to take control. to lose control.

agra.

the act of taking

It was impossible for me to cross an open space I attempted, and a feeling of anxiety seized me right at my head.

As if I had been taken over by some stronger force that possessed me.

Donhofplatz was the most unpleasant; I was struck by the feeling that the distance was very great, miles and miles wide, I felt that I would never get to the other side...

to be taken. to be possessed. to take control. to lose control.

agora.

the market place

I was inside a very busy shopping precinct,

in a shopping centre, with my sister and that was when I really got a full-blown, out of control panic attack where I was standing in the shop with her.

All of a sudden it happened: in a matter of seconds I was like a mad woman. It was like a nightmare; everything went black and sweat

sweaty and shaking,

a cold sweat, poured out of me-my body, my hands and even my hair got wet through. All the blood seemed to drain out of me; I went as white as a ghost. I felt as if I were going to collapse; it was as if I had no control and I felt as though it were impossible to move. It was as if I had been taken over by some stronger force.

market. store. shop.

agora.

the market place

I went to a supermarket, a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. felt as an everyday experience, but was a real trauma. The stimulus was just too much for my eyes to cope with, lights,

the fluorescent lighting,

black and yellow lights were far too bright, bouncing off the already tiled floor, caused a feeling of anxiety, if not extreme panic.

market. store. shop.

agora.

the market place

I was in a shopping centre,

inside a very busy shopping precinct with my sister, and that was when I really got a full-blown, out of control, panic attack, where I was standing in the shop with her, and just, all of a sudden, my world just, the world started spinning, and I just thought I was going totally out of control. My legs started going weak, um, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t focus on anything, um, I really started shaking, almost hot and cold chills going down me, um, rapid heart beats, and I just actually thought I was going to collapse the fear, I thought, had to do with falling right there. Terrible nausea,

I wanted to vomit

and em, my sister was looking at me and saying, you know, you are absolutely white as a ghost!

market. store. shop.

agora.

the market place

At a grocery store, supermarket, my vision rebelled against me. The lights, I could see yellow and black lights, were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long and were twisting,

turned and twisted, and warping before me. The people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy

dizziness, almost as if my feet had a lightness to them and disoriented, sweaty and shaking. I was reacting physically to my irrational terror. I wanted to vomit.

A terrible nausea, and, my heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest! Paralyzed, I wanted to run, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

market. store. shop.

agra agros

agra.

to hunt

My dream was, or dealt with wide open environments, such as empty parking lots, crosswalks, and sidewalks. As I was entering one of these trigger areas, as my psychologist calls them, I immediately felt instinctively unsafe,

I was trapped in place there accompanied by an incredible amount of dizziness

dizzy and disoriented,

sweaty and shaking

I felt faint, sick and dizzy almost as if my feet had a lightness to them and my head

my head was no longer

attached to my body as if there was an iron band tightening round my head and this would lead to panic, if I did not quickly exit the trigger area.

The fear, I thought, had to do with falling

I felt as I were going to collapse

collapse right there, terrified that I was going to fall over.

Now, it was a completely bizarre, baseless, and irrational thing, and to fear falling since it wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t life threatening, but the panic was overwhelming and I simply couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t explain why. to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

I saw all the people looking at me-just faces, no bodies, all merged into one. My heart started pounding in my head

my head was no longer attached to my body there was an iron band tightening

round my head I thought my heart

my heart started hammering

my heart started beating out of my chest was going to stop. I could see black and yellow lights, I could hear the voices of the people but from a long way off. I could not think of anything except the way I was feeling and that now I had to get out and run

paralyzed, I wanted to run, run quickly or I would die, I thought I was going to die.

to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

I suddenly started feeling really hot. Swelteringly hot. My heart started beating out of my chest and my legs

my legs were very weak,

my legs turned to jelly. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t walk properly. I could barely breathe. I thought I was going to die,

I would die,

felt instinctively unsafe.

Or, worse than that even, I would never,

that I would never be able to get to the other side, feel ok again. It felt like all hope for anything was gone.

to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

Quick as lightning came an introspection, a deception. “Anyone looking out of his window will think I’m drunk”, flashed through my mind, so I dropped a book or, or stoop to tie a shoelace and then hurried home wards, restored by the consciousness that I was not dead,

thought I was going to die

felt instinctively unsafe I could not think of anything else but the way I was feeling and that now I had to get out and run quickly or I would die.

to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

I didn’t have too much trouble walking many miles at a time in busy New York City, but when I got halfway down this empty road, I froze in place and balked at continuing, exactly like a dog who freezes at the door to the veterinarian’s office or a horse who refuses to walk over a rotten bridge a long bridge I couldn’t be convinced that I could continue to walk despite whatever symptoms I felt and that if I did so, I would in fact get to the end of the road and still be the person I was four-tenths of a mile back. I oriented, myself by seeing how far I had walked from one small tree to another, but at a certain point, less than halfway down the road, I would stop and simply wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that when I reached the midpoint of the road, my legs

my legs were very weak

my legs turned to jelly, would not move at all that I was trapped in place there … I should mention that in order to undertake this tiny journey, I have had come equipped with all my safety items.

I felt instinctively unsafe.

My friend was astonished. She tried to coax me, offered a kiss as a reward, promised not to leave me stranded,

trapped. to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

At a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. The lights were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long and were twisting and warping before me. The people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy

dizziness, almost as if my feet had a lightness to them and disoriented, sweaty

sweat poured out of me-my body, and shaking. I was reacting physically to my irrational

ridiculous

bizarre, baseless terror. I wanted to vomit.

A terrible nausea, and, my heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest! Paralyzed, I wanted to run

run quickly, or I would die,

I thought I was going to die, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agra.

to hunt

Inwardly, it was all an act, inwardly I was really, I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be the centre of attention... I was, I had a heart attack,

my heart started beating out of my chest

my heart started hammering, my chest

felt tight, in the middle of the street I had to crawl into a back alley and die

or I would die rather than say to somebody could you help me, because I hated the attention.

to be hunted. to be trapped. to die. being unsafe.

agros.

the wilderness

faraway places

At a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. The lights, were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long

miles and miles and were twisting twisted, and warping before me. The people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy

dizziness, almost as if my feet had a lightness to them and disoriented, I oriented myself by seeing how far

I walked from one small tree to another, sweaty sweat poured out of me-my body, and shaking. I was reacting physically to my irrational terror. I wanted to vomit, and, my heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest! Paralyzed, I wanted to run, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

open spaces. distance. to orient.

agros.

the wilderness

faraway places

My dream was in a wide open environment, it was impossible for me to cross an open space

when I crossed wide open space

where the curve had a wide span feeling that the distance was great, miles and miles wide

trouble walking many miles like an empty parking lot, crosswalk or sidewalk. As I was entering one of these trigger areas, as my psychologist calls them, I immediately felt instinctively unsafe, accompanied by an incredible amount of dizziness, almost as if my feet had a lightness to them and my head was no longer attached to my body, and this would lead to panic, if I did not quickly exit the trigger area. The fear, I thought, had to do with falling. Now, it was a completely bizarre, baseless, and irrational

my irrational terror more and more frantic, that may appear ridiculous to fear falling since it wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t life threatening, but the panic was overwhelming and I simply couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t explain why.

open spaces. distance. to orient.

agros.

the wilderness

faraway places

I didn’t have too much trouble walking many miles

the distance was very great, miles and miles wide appearance of the Dirschauer Bridge, where the curve had a wide span with wide open environments, such as empty parking lots, crosswalks, and sidewalks, at a time in busy New York City, but when I got halfway down this empty road, I would freeze in place and balk at continuing, exactly like a dog who freezes at the door to the veterinarian’s office or a horse who refuses to walk over a rotten bridge a long bridge I couldn’t be convinced that I could continue to walk despite whatever symptoms I felt and that if I did so, I would in fact get to the end of the road and still be the person I was four-tenths of a mile back. I oriented,

I was dizzy and disoriented, myself by seeing how far I had walked from one small tree to another, but at a certain point, less than halfway down the road, I would stop and simply wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that when I reached the midpoint of the road, my legs

my legs were very weak, would not move at all that I would be trapped in place there … I should mention that in order to undertake this tiny journey, I have had come equipped with all my safety items. My friend was astonished. She tried to coax me, offered a kiss as a reward, promised not to leave me stranded. open spaces. distance. to orient.

agros.

the wilderness

faraway places

It was impossible for me to cross an open space wide open environments.

I attempted, and a feeling of anxiety seized me right at my head.

Donhofplatz was the most unpleasant; I was struck by the feeling that the distance was very great, miles and miles wide,

seemed impossibly long, twisting and warping

before me, I felt that I would never get to the other side...

open spaces. distance. to orient.

agora agora

agora.

open place of assembly

The appearance of the Dirschauer Bridge, where the curve had a wide miles and miles wide, span, was an uncomfortable experience; during the time I had to cross

the dread of crossing a long bridge on foot

the same way as when I crossed wide open spaces, a great feeling of anxiety overcame me, with the terrible fear that I could become insane and felt I would jump over the bridge long bridge during such a condition.

open spaces.

agora.

open place of assembly

Emptiness this empty road gave me an undefinable anxiety. I felt oppressed, my legs

my legs turned to jelly, became weak

weak, um, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t focus on anything,

my back and limbs were really

weak and I felt though it was impossible to move in exactly the same way as when I crossed wide open spaces

wide open environments, such as empty parking lots, crosswalks, and sidewalks.

The phenomena were rather similar but in addition I had a peculiar feeling of being attracted by the emptiness, this empty road, by an irresistible force. I felt an emotion that may appear ridiculous but became increasingly exaggerated the more I reacted.

open spaces.

agora.

open place of assembly

I didn’t have too much trouble walking many miles

the distance was very great, miles and miles wide appearance of the Dirschauer Bridge, where the curve had a wide span at a time in busy New York City, but when I got halfway down this empty road, emptiness gave me an undefinable anxiety, I froze in place and balked at continuing, exactly like a dog who freezes at the door to the veterinarian’s office or a horse who refuses to walk over a rotten bridge

a long bridge I couldn’t be convinced that I could continue to walk despite whatever symptoms I felt and that if I did so, I would in fact get to the end of the road and still be the person I was four-tenths of a mile back. I oriented, myself by seeing how far I had walked from one small tree to another, but at a certain point, less than halfway down the road, I would stop and simply wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that when I reached the midpoint of the road, my legs would not move

it was impossible to move at all that I would be trapped in place there. I should mention that in order to undertake this tiny journey, I have had come equipped with all my safety items. My friend was astonished. She tried to coax me, offered a kiss as a reward, promised not to leave me stranded. open spaces.

agora.

open place of assembly

It was impossible for me to cross an open space wide open environments.

I attempted, and a feeling of anxiety seized me right at my head.

Donhofplatz was the most unpleasant; I was struck by the feeling that the distance was very great, miles and miles wide,

seemed impossibly long, twisting and warping

before me, I felt that I would never get to the other side...

open spaces.

agora.

the assembly

Inwardly, it was all an act, inwardly I was really, I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be the centre of attention. I was, I had a heart attack in the middle of the street I had to crawl into a back alley and die, rather than say to people could you help me.

I could hear the voices of the people but from a long way off

I just thought that people were watching.

I hated the attention.

public. people. group.

agora.

the assembly

I was going out at ten oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;clock at night when it was dark and there was nobody there, took the dog to a walk

walk to the part of my town and it wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bother me. That was when I realised it was people

I could hear the voices of the people but

from a long way off two people came along and I almost stopped them to ask if they could see me

people were

watching

I was scared of as well.

public. people. group.

agora.

the assembly

I saw all the people I realised it was people I was scared of people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror

two people came along looking at me-just faces, no bodies, all merged into one. My heart started pounding in my head

my head was no longer attached to my body

as if there was an iron band tightening

round my head and in my ears; I thought my heart was going to stop. I could see black and yellow lights,

lights, bouncing off the already tiled floor,

lights were far too bright all of a sudden I could hear the voices of the people but from a long way off. I could not think of anything except the way I was feeling and that now I had to get out and run

paralyzed, I wanted

to run, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

public. people. group.

agora.

the assembly

I just felt that, like, I was going to completely lose control

it was as if I had no control over my limbs and I was terrified that I was going to fall over,

I were going to collapse,

fear falling, or I would make a fool of myself really... I just thought that people

it was people I was scared of as well

all the people looking at me,

would be watching.

public. people. group.

agora.

the assembly

At a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. The lights lights, bouncing

off the already tiled floor, were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long and were twisting and warping before me. The people

I could hear the voices of the people all the people looking at me, became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy and disoriented, sweaty and shaking. I was reacting physically to my irrational bizarre, baseless terror. I wanted to vomit. My heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest!

Paralyzed, I wanted to run

run quickly, or I would die,

but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

public. people. group.

ag ago

ag.

action desire drive

Emptiness gave me an undefinable anxiety. I felt oppressed, my legs became weak in exactly the same way as when I crossed wide open.

The phenomena were rather similar but in addition I had a peculiar feeling of being attracted by the emptiness, by an irresistible force,

devilish feeling.

I felt an emotion that may

appear ridiculous

irrational

I was like a mad woman, it was completely

a bizarre, baseless, and

irrational thing but became increasingly exaggerated the more I reacted.

to want. to feel. feelings. forces.

ag.

action desire drive

At a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. The lights,

I could see yellow and black lights, were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long and were twisting

twisted, and warping before me. The people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy

dizziness, almost as if my feet had a lightness and disoriented, sweaty

sweat poured out of me-my body, and shaking. I was reacting physically to my irrational

ridiculous

baseless terror. I wanted to vomit.

I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even want to be the

centre of attention.

My heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest! Paralyzed, I wanted to run, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. to want. to feel. feelings. forces.

ag.

action desire drive

Suddenly, sensations stronger and stranger than any I had previously known charged through my body. I turned and twisted

twisting and warping and tried to remove the devilish feelings that possessed me.

I had been taken over by some stronger force,

by an irresistible force.

This evil thing threatened to rob me of my identity. Everything seemed to disintegrate.

to want. to feel. feelings. forces.

ago.

to act

I didn’t have too much trouble walking to walk to the part of my town

took the dog for a walk, many miles at a time in busy New York City, but when I got halfway down this empty road, I would freeze in place and balk at continuing, exactly like a dog who freezes at the door to the veterinarian’s office or a horse who refuses to walk over a rotten bridge. I couldn’t be convinced that I could continue to walk

but I couldn’t walk properly it was like walking into a completely

alien house, environment, despite whatever symptoms I felt and that if I did so, I would in fact get to the end of the road and still be the person I was four-tenths of a mile back. I oriented myself by seeing how far I had walked from one small tree to another, but at a certain point, less than halfway down the road, I would stop and simply wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that when I reached the midpoint of the road, my legs would not move I just couldn’t move at all

I felt though it were impossible to move at all, that I was trapped in place there. I should mention that in order to undertake this tiny journey, I have had come equipped with all my safety items. My friend was astonished. to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

I feel faint, sick and dizzy,

I was dizzy and disoriented, sweaty and shaking, and I came out in a cold sweat

sweat poured out of me-my body.

My heart, my heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest, hammering, my chest felt tight, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t breathe, and I felt as if I was having a heart attack. The noise of the traffic seemed to get louder and louder, and I felt more and more frantic. I began to feel absolutely rooted to the spot, and I just couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t move as though it were impossible to move at all. I felt as if there was an iron band tightening round my head

my head was

no longer attached to my body.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

So I went out and took a bus journey. I went down and I came back.

I walked I had walked from one small tree to another, in that door, and I was, it was like walking

walking many miles at a time

in busy New York City into a completely alien house, environment, the lot. Suddenly everything around me seemed unfamiliar. I knew, that this was my house, that this was my suite, this was my, these, everything here was mine... it was like this before I went out, but it did not seem real

felt totally unreal.

And it was, it was like I was looking at things through water, and it was the scariest thing in the world.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

At a grocery store, my vision rebelled against me. The lights were far too bright all of a sudden. The isles seemed impossibly long and were twisting and warping before me. The people became horrible reflections in a funhouse mirror. I was dizzy and disoriented, sweaty

sweat

poured out of me-my body, and shaking. I was reacting inwardly, it was all an act

more I reacted physically to my irrational bizarre, baseless terror. I wanted to vomit. My heart was beating way too fast, way too hard. I thought I could actually see it kicking against my chest!

Paralyzed, I wanted to run run quickly, or I would die,

but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

I began to feel absolutely rooted to the spot, and I just couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t move at all.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

I suddenly started feeling really hot. Swelteringly hot. My heart started beating out of my chest and my legs

my legs were very weak,

my legs turned to jelly. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t walk

paralyzed, I wanted to run, but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t

I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be convinced that I could continue to walk properly. I could barely breathe. I thought I was going to die,

I would die,

I felt instinctively unsafe.

Worse than that even, I would never

I would never be able to get to the other side, feel ok again. It felt like all hope for anything was gone.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

Inwardly, it was all an act, exaggerated the more I reacted, I was reacting physically inwardly I was really, I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be the centre of attention. I was, I had a heart attack in the middle of the street and I had to crawl into a back alley and die, rather than say to somebody could you help me, because I hated the attention.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

Emptiness gave me an undefinable anxiety. I felt oppressed, my legs became weak

weak, um, I couldn’t focus on anything,

I couldn’t explain why,

weak and I felt though it was impossible to move,

just couldn’t move in exactly the same way as when I crossed

it was impossible for me to cross an open space wide open spaces The phenomena were rather similar but in addition I had a peculiar feeling of being attracted by the emptiness, by an irresistible force. I felt an emotion that may appear ridiculous, but became increasingly exaggerated the more I reacted.

Inwardly, it was all an act, inwardly I was really, I didn’t ever want to be the centre of attention.

to move. to run. inhibition of movement.

ago.

to act

I was inside a very busy shopping precinct, and all of a sudden it happened: in a matter of seconds I was like a mad woman

and I felt more and more frantic bizarre,

with the fear that I could become insane.

It was like a nightmare; everything went black and sweat poured out of me-my body, my hands and even my hair got wet through. All the blood seemed to drain out of me; I went as white as a ghost. I felt as if I were going to collapse; it was as if I had no control

I was going to completely lose control over my limbs; my back and legs were very weak

my legs started going weak and I felt as though it were impossible to move I just couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t move at all

my legs would not move at all that I was trapped

in place in there.

I tried to get up to go to the

bathroom but I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t walk.

It was as if I had been taken over by some stronger force

devilish feeling that possessed me. This evil thing threatened to rob me off my identity, then, everything seemed to disintegrate. to move. to run. inhibition of movement.