Myocardium Paralysis by Eli Kowar

She leans her head on my shoulder. When she hugs my arm, her gentle grip reminds me of my little sister. Of how she always rested against me when she grew tired in the back of our parents’ car. “What about

you? Why do you write?” I look at her and she’s closed her eyes against the breeze that passes over the stream. I turn to face the shadows. “Because I have to. Because it’s what I’m good at. Those feel like the same thing.” She hugs my arm tighter. “Do you love it?” She buries her face in the side of my arm as if afraid of what the answer might be. I know I disappointed part of her already with the turn we took. I shrug my bag off my back and set it beside me. I unzip it with the arm she’s let me still have and pluck a journal from inside it at random. I lay it in my lap. “I always have. I’m trying to love it again.” That seems to relieve what tension she was suddenly feeling. She lets go of my arm and looks down at the notebook. “Do you know where

we’re going next?” “Nope.” I open the book and flip through the pages. All filled with my chaotic scrawl and hardly legible to anyone but us. “That’s up to whoever comes to get me.” I look down the path we came from. I hope when she arrives, she’s gotten the spark in her eyes back.

if i could have reached you by Valentine 18 if i could have reached you when you still had light in your eyes i might have been able to save you.

things happened, and some of them were your fault, but some of them weren’t, and there are things you can control and there are things you can’t.

but i wish i could have reached you when you still had light in your eyes so i could have helped you.

15 it’s not your fault he died. it’s not your fault that you feel like your brain is broken. it’s not your fault that she left. she might not come back, and you might have to deal with that for a long time but it’s not your fault. don’t blame yourself for these things.

13 hang in there, it’ll be okay. not for a while, but it’ll be okay one day.

10 calm down, take a deep breath. everyone doesn’t need to know what’s on your mind; all the same, don’t stop thinking. don’t stop being yourself because otherwise, you’re going to set yourself up for failure and i don’t want you to fail.

5 new environment, new people— be careful. even though you’re going home at night, you’re going to be with these people for quite a long time.

3 why did you put that bead in your ear?

0 you have a whole life ahead of you. don’t stop. play as much as you can. tell your father you love him, he won’t be there one day— i know that it’s cliche, but it’s true. your sister will leave you, don’t take it personally. the bad things that happen aren’t your fault— don’t you dare think it’s your fault for one second. you still have that light in your eyes— you’re a baby— you still have that light in your eyes— you’ve barely been born.