How to Handle Their “No”

HOW TO handle THEIR

words by Kathryn Kvols

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

There are few words more irksome than hearing your child say “no.” Rest assured, your child is very normal. If they assert themselves with a “no,” you can pat yourself on the back. You have not raised a submissive child!

The fascination with “no” stems from the fact that toddlers (and tweens) are starting to realize they are individuals who have a will of their own. This is the early beginning of your child learning to stand up for themselves and knowing what she wants. They are learning to set her own boundaries and build the foundation for healthy relationships.

Children who become compliant at a young age often suffer later in life from lack of will and passion. As parents, we need to think very carefully about how we choose to respond to their lack of compliance.

CHECK THESE FIRST

Are they tired, thirsty, hungry, or getting sick? If yes, meet their physical needs first.

CONNECT BEFORE YOU MAKE A REQUEST

Children need to feel connected. If they don’t, they are more likely to be uncooperative. Play a quick game of peek-a-boo or chase them around the kitchen island and then make your request.

ASK QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF GIVING DIRECTIVES

When we give our children orders, it creates resistance. Learn to change your commands into questions, i.e., “Put your toys away,” becomes “Where do your toys belong?” This is very simple, but most of my clients report fast, immediate results.

DON’T ARGUE

This is a battle that can’t be won. There is no positive outcome, and often ends with one or both of you in tears.

RESPECT THEIR “NO”

When you can, say “Thank you for telling me.” Wait a few minutes and try your request again. When a relative tries

to give your child an unwanted kiss (or hug) say, “Ellie doesn’t feel like kissing today,” instead of coercing to comply. Respecting her “no” allows her to feel safe to set her boundaries.

CHANGE YOUR IRRITABLE THOUGHTS

Adjust your perspective when working through negative thoughts, and transform them into positive outcomes. Change “She is driving me crazy” to “She is going to be a wonderfully assertive woman someday!”

DON’T OFFER A CHOICE THAT YOUR CHILD CAN ANSWER WITH A NO

For example, “Do you want to help set the table,” allows them to say no versus saying, “Please help set the table.”

GIVE YOUR CHILD LOTS

OF OPPORTUNITIES TO

FEEL POWERFUL

The more competent they feel, the less they need to be powerful by resisting you. One way to do this is to ask for their help frequently. Youngsters love to help.

USE DISTRACTION

Nothing delights and distracts a youngster like a parent being silly. Break out into a song or dance. Then try getting them to do the task again.

LET YOUR CHILD KNOW

THAT YOU HEAR THEM

There is usually an emotion behind the “no,” such as frustration, irritation, or anger. When your child feels heard beyond their “no,” it often dissipates. For example, “I see you are still a little sleepy and grumpy. Let’s try getting dressed after we snuggle for a few minutes.”

PROVIDE A

REASON FOR YOUR REQUEST

It is possible to reason with your child at this stage. As long as you keep it short and to the point, your child will be more likely be inclined to cooperate. “The slide is wet and dirty. Let’s swing instead.” Versus, “Get off the slide!”

TEACH YOUR

CHILD TO SAY “NO” RESPECTFULLY

An important life skill your child needs to learn, is how to say “no” in a non-offensive way. Disrespectful or mean responses to your requests can be redirected by giving your child the tools. At a friendly time, (children can’t learn at a time of conflict) give your child acceptable ways they can tell you “no.” If you don’t, they may find subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) ways to say it, i.e. forgetting, dawdling, or doing the job haphazardly.

AVOID USING “NO” AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

Your child learns from you and wants to be like you. If they are hearing “no” several times a day, they are likely to mimic you.

For more information, visit sleepeducation.org/student-sleep-health-week.

For more information on alternative ways to say no, go to www.incaf.com and download the FREE handout, “19 Creative Ways to Say “No.” !

Kathryn Kvols is the author of the popular book and parenting course, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior.” She is also a parenting coach and speaker. For more of her resources, go to her website: www.incaf.com.