How the Power of Self-talk Improves Self-care
“Really, I said that?” is what clients often exclaim when I repeat back to them their negative self-talk and put downs. They don’t mean to be mean. They simply want to become the perfect image of who they think they should be. Unfortunately, negative self-talk is exactly what keeps them stuck in destructive self-care patterns. Here’s why. Like the Genie in Aladdin who says, “Your wish is my command,” our brains await instruction to do something via our thoughts and self-talk. Primed for action, they hear them as commands. For example, you say, “I’m so overwhelmed”— or afraid, stressed or miserable—and the brain uptakes that thought and produces that feeling. Tuning into self-talk My first goal in improving clients’ selftalk is to make them aware that what they say to themselves, even unconsciously, may be generating or increasing distressing feelings and dysfunctional behaviors. Many clients don’t think much about self-talk if they even realize they 46
July 2021 InSession | FMHCA.org
engage in it. It’s either background noise or they’re so used to speaking negatively to or about themselves that they tune it out. Once clients accept that they engage in self-talk, the goal for them is to remain alert and listen for it, then listen to it and evaluate what they hear. When they’re tuned in, they can decide if what they’re saying to themselves encourages or discourages them from doing what is in their best interest. However, before they can make this assessment, they need to know what constitutes destructive and constructive self-talk. Elements of destructive self-talk ·All or nothing: “If I don’t go to the gym five times a week, why bother going at all?” or “I’m going to diet and be perfect around food from now on.” ·Failure oriented: “I can’t control myself around sweets” or “I give up.” ·Comparative and competitive: “I want to eat as little as my roommate does” or “If my mom was a size 2 at my age, I can be too.”
·Moralistic: “I should go work out like a good girl/boy” or “I’m so bad that I bingewatched TV all weekend.” ·Negative: “I’m such a mess, how will I ever learn to be healthy?” or “What’s wrong with me that I take care of myself for a while then stop?” ·Short-sighted: “I’m full but I’ll just finish off this pie anyway” or “I’ll exercise really hard to lose weight so I’ll look good on next month’s cruise.” Elements of constructive self-talk ·Empowering: “My passion is to nourish my body well” or “I’m getting better and better at self-care.” ·Hopeful: “I’m developing new habits to take care of myself” or “I can do it.” ·Loving: “I do my best and embrace my imperfections” or “I’m so proud of myself.” ·Challenging: “I’ll be brave and take baby steps to change” or “I can learn to do what’s best for me.” ·Inspiring: “Every time I take positive action, I want to do more of it” or “I’m a better cook than I thought I’d be!” ·Intentional: “I will eat mindfully and
