Weird Wild Stuff Words by Shelton Hull
Well, 2023 is almost over, and we have seen all kinds of weirdness this year.
Things fall off of trucks all the time, and as a general rule, the messier the
We have a Democrat as mayor of Jacksonville and a football team that’s ac-
spill, the funnier it is. A recent accident in Vandalia, Ohio was kinda funny but
tually good (despite the incessant fickleness of sports media, who are still
also potentially traumatizing for onlookers because the cargo in question was
getting used to it), both of which feel more like miraculous than just weird.
2,000 little piglets, who spilled out of a crashed semi-truck on Interstate 75.
Florida has retained its title as the weirdest state in America, but our friends
It’s unclear how many were caught, but since they were destined to be raised
to the north and west have given us some pretty stiff competition. We’ve
in captivity and then brutally slaughtered, we hope that none were. Our vegan
compiled a slew of strangeness in this column over the past 12 months, and
friends are probably outraged, but aren’t they always?
we’re finishing strong today! For our money, there are few things more satisfying than seeing violent crimRamen noodles, right? We’ve all eaten our weight in them, either from the
inals get their comeuppance, and this is one of the best examples of 2023.
square plastic bags or polystyrene cups that are all but mandatory in college
A carjacking suspect in Glendale, Wisconsin, was one of four who scattered
dorms and office break rooms from here to Timbuktu. Weirdos will pour hot
after crashing a stolen Dodge Durango into two other cars, which could have
water into the cup, whereas all the cool kids prefer to pour tap water into the
been disastrous for all involved. This fella almost got away by hiding in a por-
cup, then microwave it. Well, as is often the case when trying to be like the
ta potty, which was stationed at a golf course, until a couple of quick-thinking
cool kids, we may have been slowly poisoning ourselves all along, and not
golfers (an oxymoron, sure) saw him, rushed over and tipped it over. The re-
just with all that sodium. Nissin Foods, which has been helping us make it to
sult was exactly as you would imagine, and we are here for it. No sympathy,
payday since 1973, announced that they’re switching to paper cups in 2024,
whatsoever. The only bad news is that he was white, so police had no choice
and now — now —their product is microwave-safe. Let’s hope that future gen-
but to take him alive.
erations will know of Poly Styrene only as the beloved former singer of 1970s punk band X-Ray Spex. She, too, was not microwaveable. RIP.
Let’s wrap up this column — and this year — with one of the weirdest, wildest stories of the entire year. Police in Nicaragua launched an investigation of the
Speaking of dead people, some months back we told you about the Florida
Miss Nicaragua Pageant on charges of rigging the pageant. Now that’s hardly
woman who conspired with the caterer to get everyone high at her own wed-
unusual: The pageant circuit is fundamentally corrupt, creepy and perverse,
ding reception. Very much illegal, but also kinda funny because it’s just THC.
and we’ve all known that for years. But this has a fun little twist, in that her
This next story, however, is not funny at all, but let’s joke about it anyway. A
plan was apparently to install a bunch of beauty queens who could use their
woman in Canberra, Australia was arrested for murdering the parents and
talents, shall we say, as part of her plan to overthrow her government. Crazy
aunt of her ex-husband in the most terribly tasty of ways. Her weapon was
concept, but the entire Reagan/Bush administration basically dead now, Nic-
a beef Wellington, which, as you know, is a slab of beef tenderloin wrapped
aragua is actually now allowed to pick their own leaders, and local customs
in prosciutto and puff pastry, along with finely-chopped and sauteed mush-
may vary. It’s unclear exactly how this was supposed to work, but presumably
rooms. Now if you’re gonna make this dish for the holidays (which you should
as long as Nicaraguan president Daniel Ortega stays out of any Moscow hotel
because it’s great), it’s very important that the mushrooms you use are not of
rooms, he should be fine. Needless to say, the movie basically writes itself,
the Amanita phalloides variety, aka “death cap.” We shouldn’t have to tell you
but if you need a script written, holla!
this, but since we are in Florida, maybe we do.
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