Weird Wild Stuff Words by Shelton Hull
Well, summer is over, not that you can really tell. Ever notice how the same
Sometimes a glass gets spilled, sometimes a bottle gets dropped, and some-
people who deny the reality of climate change are the same ones who insist
times 2.2 million liters of wine gets spilled out into the streets, as we saw
that the stadium needs a roof because it’s too hot to watch football in Sep-
in the Portuguese town of Levira, where the local winery had its worst day
tember. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the day-drinking and the synthetic
ever in early September. First responders were (not) on the scene with olives,
fabrics and the constant screaming, who knows? It doesn’t matter — we’re
cheese and crusty bread.
here for the laughs, so let’s just get right to it. Chickens are widely perceived to be dumb animals, and maybe they are, or Every year, we see stories about kids going for joyrides in other people’s cars.
maybe that’s just how humans justify killing over 8 billion of them for food
Of course, some of these are carjackings, and that’s not good, but quite often
each year or about 300 per second — and that’s just in America. But we may
the kids’ internal logic makes sense, and it’s almost cute, once the actual
be able to learn how smart they really are someday, thanks to researchers
danger has passed. Such stories always leap to the queue for WWS, and this
from the University of Tokyo. The professor has developed a system for “in-
month’s example comes from Alachua, where two siblings made it about 200
terpreting various emotional states in chickens, including hunger, fear, anger,
miles in their mom’s car before being pulled over at 3:50 am, and we would
contentment, excitement, and distress” using AI, which is apparently never
pay money to see the bodycam footage from that stop! The daughter, who
used for anything serious. The actual process is fascinating, and it does have
was 11, had lost her electronics privileges, so she ran away, and her 10-year-
potentially useful applications for other animals, and even for humans, such
old brother offered to drive, even though it was not his battle to fight. Were
as babies or non-verbal adults. As for the chickens, well, if we can ever truly
they wrong? Sure. But they stuck together, and that is adorable.
translate their speech, we assume that much of that speech will involve them begging for their lives — in vain, of course
Speaking of runaway vehicles, a man in Indiana was arrested for driving drunk, which is not itself unusual. But his mode of transportation was: a Power
We all love art, but the business of art is fundamentally a scam. The actual
Wheels vehicle. The man was taken in after failing a field sobriety test, which
materials are bought at a fixed price, and the amount of labor will vary per
seems almost redundant. Another man, in Nebraska, was driving a legitimate
piece, but the prices for art are basically set by a combination of hype and
vehicle, but the problem was his passenger: a nine year-old bull named Doo-
bullshit with the result that visual art has always been an easy way to launder
dy, who had left a virtual mudslide of doody sliding down the rear window
money, especially in the modern era, where countless wealthy fools actually
of his owner’s Crown Vic. Apparently, he had modified the car, allowing the
embrace the collecting of art as a legitimate investment, which it is, for now. A
bull to ride around all the time, even though Doody’s horns are wider than
Danish artist understood the assignment, and nearly scammed his way into an
the car’s wheelbase. No word on what kind of punishment he’ll get, but we
easy payday. He was granted 534,000 kroner, equivalent to about $75,000,
assume a reality show is forthcoming.
for a project in which he embedded banknotes into canvases that were then put on display. Instead, he kept the cash and turned in two blank canvases.
Humans are messy people — not just mentally, emotionally and politically,
The courts forced him to return the money, which is really a shame. Best of
but also physically — not just their actual filthy bodies but also their natural
all, the project was called “Take the Money and Run,” which should have been
environment. If it’s not space trash or river poop, it’s wine.
a clue, but it never is.
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