April 2015 by Foolishtimes

April 2015

SPRING HAS SPRUNG

Debbie Harris chimes in on Humor Month » Pg 8 Monthly Event Calendar » Pg 26

April 2015

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April 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool............................Jordon H. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde Cover Art by Chris “Monster” Myers

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Jim Dultz, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Russell Swartz

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

Where is the rain? I was asked to perform a rain dance to help the drought. Thinking it was an honor, I figured someone saw me on a dance floor and thought I knew what I was doing. Upon further review I think I was asked because I’m not a good dancer and my moves will make the rain Gods cry delivering much needed water. It’s so bad that our artificial plants in the office are starting to droop. Restaurants have signs saying water will only be served on request. I recently was told my request was being denied and I can appeal it in writing with an answer in 30 days. Let’s all do our part to make it rain. If it means looking ridiculous dancing in public or some other sort of ancient method of making the clouds dump a heavy storm our way, so be it. I can’t wait to be dodging rain drops to get home to read the April issue of Foolish Times.

Happy Easter ... Happy Humor Month ... Happy Spring ... Happy Simpleton - he’s one of our contributors; just thought I’d throw him into the happy mix. What a great time of year this is. Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. Throw in some Peeps and life is just about perfect. This issue is jam-packed with so much good stuff - from our advertisers and contributors and readers. Don’t miss the results from our readers on their online dating experiences. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll nod your head and say, “Yep. Been there.” Spring has sprung so jump into this blooming month!

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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April 2015

www.foolishtimes.net other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?” “No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.” He looked at me and said, “Then why do you want to live to 80?”

Lazy young uns

Workin’ It

On the Golf Course

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.” The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it you have?” The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, “Chutzpah.”

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?” The second guy says, “Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.” So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, “Did you see it?” “Sure!” says his buddy. “Where did it go?” the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, “I can’t remember.”

Will I Live To 80? I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,” Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, my

An elderly man had lived to 84 before going to the hospital for the first time in his life. As the nurse got him into bed he found the bell cord hooked to his pillow. “What’s this thing for?” “It’s for the nurse in case you need anything.” “How does it work?” he asked. “You push the button and it turns the light on for the nurse.” He responded “ You young

people have gotten very lazy. If the nurse needs a light she should get up and turn it on for herself.”

Back seat driver An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

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April 2015

it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

CAFÉ

SEAFOOD

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

FAST FOOD

BREAKFAST

If food were fast, we would all be running after it

First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

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April 2015

ur o y et

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G Funny The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman 1. “A politician is a man who understands government. A statesman is a politician who’s been dead for 15 years.” A. Harry Truman B. Christopher Columbus 2. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” A. Dylan Thomas B. Mitt Romney 3. “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” A. Sir Isaac Newton B. Winston Churchill 4. “A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.” A. John Updike B. Mother Teresa 5. “A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.” A. Henry Ford B. Joan of Arc

E R HE t April is

e g r o f r t ’ o n o m D tional Hu a

Intern

y b d e t E D crea L I RRY W

aking e p s h englis e l l a y ed b ents in th z i n g D o m Rec govern WORL January 2014

6. “What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.” A. Eve B. Mark Twain 7. “In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.” A. John Adams B. Babe Ruth 8. “Your dresses should be tight enough to show you’re a woman and loose enough to show you’re a lady.” A. Richard Nixon B. Edith Head Answers (all true): 1-A 2-A 3-B 4-A 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Delicate 5-6 Naive 3-4Inebriated 1-2- Persnickety 0- Affectionate Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

h t n o M

JOKES

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. 2. Be cheerful at all time. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. 6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. Submitted by a patient who is trying not to be impatient understanding their new insurance

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April 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The yawning age of Aquarius gyrates into ARIES! There is no slow precessional rotation here for you Ramolossal! Your new beginnings are fervid placental renaissances just bursting with 50 new shades of sway. Yippee! Happy Birthday! Take a cha, cha, cha, chance - You are chock fool of ideas. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Bungalow Bull! You put so much pressure on yourself to be funny, you blew a gasket and crushed all the eggs in your basket. Light-hearted doesn’t mean a palpitation vs. a stroke in the meadow of your dreams. Try streaming a few anecdotes for hypertension and repeat the word harmony over and over and your Ticket to Ride will arrive! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins They’re claiming you’re a HOAX! Yet truly you are a transmission line for high-frequency signals, which happens to be a coax. “They” get it wrong often with you Gem because you leave a trail of unfinished tasks. Do you want to know a secret? The flasks don’t help either. (Tidy Bowl Up). Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Eight days of weak limbs tingling in the dead of night could mean one of your claws is experiencing paresthesia. This occurs in Crabbies when they have tricky encounters with relatives

sneaking in through the bathroom window after being told to leave repeatedly. That oil drum in the back alley is starting to look like a spa vacation, yeah, go hide, you’ll feel at home scavenging. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion In your PURR-SUIT of happiness you bit into one too many juggulars! Too many balls in the air can make a pretty wreath, but the town’s people don’t seem to be in a playful mood. (Some are still bleeding). LEO’s over-exuberance alert has been activated. Hang in your flowering tower for another hour until you figure out your next action … for now enjoy being the Fool on the Hill for a change. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Hello, Goodbye. Messy feelings you’d rather not examine are emerging. This ain’t no fools errand to dive into a nonsensical hole which may contain a whole new story. (You need this). Turn those pages that summon the sages that will urge you to yell “HELP, I need somebody HELP.” Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales PLease, PLease me. This is getting redundant, instead make due with what is abundant, your selfesteem. Well, it’s Getting Better All the Time. All You Need is Love, and some beetlejuice to scale off the dead skin.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Sgt. Fretter’s lonely hearts club … How cockamamie is your lone warrior act going to get?! This long climactic medley of yours is pushing your chums straight into golden slumbers. Perhaps one of your cheeky devil pranks could get you on a magical mystery tour of Sie Liebt Dich. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer ABSURD how Life can be so sweet on ya SAG. Is it that snowy blossom complexion of yours or the dappling light? Either way, this dreamy spectacle of all great things that are, has some common cents in it - And it’s the TAXMAN ! Time to Pay up! I believe in the themes of things, such as the constant giveth and taketh away, there is an equal groweth upeth in every bouquet. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat It’s been a long day and even daylight savings time can only make small change for you. You’ve Carried this weight a long time.

By Bini The past is heavy when looking back at today’s breakfast bagel. Get your pillow, looks like it could be A Hard Day’s Night. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier BYOB is responsibility towards our beloved Earth. You the openminded Water Bearer knows that Every Little Thing you do counts, as does a fractal in a Monet. But when resistance twists your empowerment into Norwegian Wood, remember you’re floating right above the water line and just above the deep end. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes You are not looney in disguise with almonds! You are a wide variety of ART, a beautiful Dreamer. Your head in the clouds is the kaleidoscope that glides onto the spectral paints and observes how ordinary reveals extraordinary. Humility is your stability for your gullibility. PI in the sky.

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!

April 2015

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Thank You God For The Humor

By Debbie Harris

I saw in the February Foolish Times that Larry Wilde had declared April to be International Humor Month. That’s great. Humor deserves at least a month. If we’re smart, we keep humor in our lives all the time. In fact, regardless of the month, humor is inherent in our lives. I know God has a sense of humor; I mean, look at us. Look at our faces. Who can say that God wasn’t messing with us by making our mouths under our noses? Is that really Intelligent Design? Why would someone put the thing that oozes bacterial goo right above the place where we take in our nutrients? Bleh!

And what about food? God’s getting some jollies out of that. All the stuff that’s good for us has to be disguised, or juiced, or placed in tablet form to get us to ingest it, while all the tasty morsels have too much fat, salt, sugar, or other harmful substances that make us heavy and sluggish, cause allergic reactions, raise our blood pressure, fill our arteries with sludge, and rot our teeth. Why can’t the good tasting edibles be good for us? Ha, ha, ha, God! And what about what happens with our hair as we get older? On some men it abandons the scalp. But even on men with scalp hair, new hair arrives to make things

Spring in for Savings!

more humorous. It shows up as a uni-brow or wild eyebrows that look like they’ve just completed electro-shock therapy. It can also appear as a crop of alfalfa sprouts out of the ears or nose or on top of them. Thick facial hair is nothing compared to the weed whacker needed to deal with a crop of nose hair. What a laugh! I’ll bet on cold days there are some bald men who would like to gather all their ear,

If it weren’t for my tweezers, I could grow a beard that any adolescent boy would envy. nose, and eyebrow hair and make a toupée out of it! Of course women are not immune from the changing hair situation. We start growing it on our chins and upper lips, giving us that evil genius thin moustache look. If it weren’t for my tweezers,

I could grow a beard that any adolescent boy would envy. Thanks, God. Har, har, har. We mid-life and older people are glad we amuse you while also being job creators—creating jobs in the hair removal industry! And what about pimples—what purpose do they serve? Another job creator? For some people, their lives can be measured in stages of pimples. 1) Not knowing what a pimple is and not caring. 2) Knowing what a pimple is and not caring. 3) Having pimples and not caring. 4) Having pimples and fighting with them. 5) Losing the fight with pimples. 6) Being too busy and distracted to think or care about pimples. 7) Finding pimples next to wrinkles and caring. 8) Finding pimples next to wrinkles and not caring. 9) Having pimples in the crevasses of wrinkles and not knowing or caring. I’ll bet God’s rolling on a cloud with laughter over that. So celebrating humor in April is great, Mr. Wilde, but whether we intend it to be or not, humor is in our lives all the time.

$69.95 value

We Honor Military and Seniors

A cop pulls over a guy with 50 baby chicks in the backseat of his car. “It’s illegal to keep those chicks in the car,” the cop says. “You need to take them to a farm.” “Okay,” the man replies. The next day the cop sees the man again with the same baby chicks in the car, and this time they have sunglasses on and towels with them. The cop goes, “Hey, I thought I told you to take those chicks to a farm.” The guy says, “I did that yesterday. Today I’m taking these chicks to the beach!”

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April 2015

The Plot Sickens By Ted Gargiulo Submitted for your consideration: a quirky little story that my quirky Uncle Al invented when I was seven. Not big on plot development, it centered around the slapstick misadventures of a clumsy little man named Mr. Popyor-popilov, whose whole reason for being was to injure himself—and make me laugh. One day, he runs to catch his train, when the doors suddenly close on his face, raising a large bump on the bridge of his nose. Undeterred by his mishap, he waits for the next train to arrive, whereupon he trips, smacks his head on the floor and adds a second bump to his first bump. Other catastrophes follow. The bus lurches and propels him headlong into a pole, resulting in yet another bump. He whacks his snout with an umbrella, loses his balance in the elevator, collides with a coworker, falls off his chair, and so on throughout the day. He finally makes it back home that evening, thinks he’s safe…then walks into the bathroom without

opening the door. Now he’s got bumps on top of bumps on top of bumps. What a riot! Mr. Popyor-popilov had the makings of a demented miniseries. A never-ending tale of calamity and humiliation, conceived for no other reason than to keep this silly youngster in hysterics. I couldn’t get enough. Over time, I’d shortened the character’s name. “Tell me more about Popilov!” Obviously, there was no satisfactory way to resolve a story that went nowhere. (As a practitioner of fiction, I can appreciate that dilemma.) Whenever Uncle Al grew weary of improvising, he’d leave our protagonist to nurse his wounds. “The guy couldn’t take anymore punishment and stayed in bed.” Phooey! I’d have to wait till Al’s next visit and coax him into continuing the story. “Aw c’mon, Popilov HAD to leave the house SOMETIME!” Eventually, my obliging unc would pick up the thread.

“Okay…one day Popilov forgot about his bumps and ventured outside.” Yay! Inevitably, more side-splitting mayhem would ensue. That is, until Al ran out of steam again and sent our hero back to bed. I’d check back next Saturday. “So, what happened when Popilov forgot about his bumps?” Evidently, all those blows to the head had dulled this man’s memory, because he always managed to bounce back, as if

A never-ending tale of calamity and humiliation, conceived for no other reason than to keep this silly youngster in hysterics. nothing had happened. I counted on that. Poor Al, meanwhile, had gotten himself into a contract from which there was no gracious way of escape. “Tell me more.” “He went to the hospital and died!” “No, he didn’t!!!” Popilov couldn’t stay dead forever.

Besides, he wouldn’t be Popilov if he wasn’t falling down, busting his face. (Nothing like a nephew with a one-track mind.) “What did Popilov do when he woke up and realized he wasn’t dead?” Now therein lies that old universal conundrum! Who among us hasn’t felt like a Popilovian character at one time or another? The hapless victim of a storyteller’s crass imagination? We’ve all had our share of lumps and pratfalls, some more than others. Question is, have they made us wiser? Or simply dumber and more forgetful, like Mr. Popilov? I suspect the answer depends on who’s telling our story…and for whose deranged amusement we’ve been kept alive. Think about it, Gentle Reader: Whose creation are YOU? And who’s yanking YOUR chain? Check out Ted’s new book, The Air, The Frogs and Other Things, at http://www.amazon.com/dp/ B00TP8W9ZC.

April 2015

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FOOL CURB on the

Here, we unearth the riddle of the Easter bunny and eggs. Find out what our Fool found out at the Monterey Peninsula College Art Gallery.

Question 1: How does the magical, special Easter bunny lay its eggs? Question 2: If you had to make a song about Grilled Cheese sandwiches, what would you call the band?

Christina G.

Answer 1: He has a feathered animal make them for him. I don’t know, maybe he has a ton of them working in a little shop. Answer 2: “Toasted.” (or “The Cheesers”)

Hanna A.

Answer 1: He just picks them up. Takes them from chickens. Answer 2: Just the “Grilled Cheese.” They’re experimental rock. But Indie as well.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

Alex I.

Answer 1: The eggs are outsourced to India, where they’re made now, after the Egg bubble crash of 2008, or rather the egg cracked, and Humpty Dumpty took a fall. Answer 2: “Stuck to the Pan”

Jocelyn R.

Answer 1: He definitely has chicks do it for him. Definitely bird chicks. Answer 2: “Cheesy and the Fonz”

Answers on page 24

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By Chuck Shepherd

Eyes of the Beholder • Thirty thousand spiders, led by members of the British Tarantula Society, gathered in Coventry on May 18 for the annual BTS exhibition, with a Socotra Island blue baboon spider taking Best in Show for first-time entrant Mike Dawkins. According to news reports, judges ignore spiders’ personalities and make their selections by objectifying the body—seeking “shiny coats, correct proportions, an active demeanor and proper stance” (which means that “all eight legs should be upright and perfectly poised”). Veteran judge Ryan Hale said winning does not necessarily make a spider more valuable, but is likely to enhance the keeper’s reputation in the tarantulatraining community.

Government in Action • Susan Coppinger, 47, was promoted by the city of Boston in January to a job paying $38,800 in the Inspectional Services Department—even though a month earlier she had been arrested for bank robbery. In fact, police said it was her second robbery of the same Santander Bank in nearby Quincy. Apparently, the city’s human resources office does not monitor mugshots on MassMostWanted. com, but in April, the city finally secured Coppinger’s resignation. • For panicking drivers headed in an emergency to University

April 2015

Hospital in Tamarac, Florida, ready to turn left into the ER because of bleeding, shortness of breath, etc., the city still requires patiently waiting for the traffic light to turn green—no matter what—and has a $158per violation red-light camera perfectly aimed, according to a WPLG-TV investigation reported in March. The station noted that the traffic magistrate handling appeals serves at the pleasure of the city and so far has not relented on tickets involving even provable emergencies. • Alarmed that its internal rating system revealed that some employees actually perform better than others, the federal Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced in May that it was scrapping the system. Agency director Richard Cordray expressed dismay that the system failed to reveal worker disparities that matched up on the basis of age, race, union status and longevity with the agency, and said that until they find a system that proves, for example, that union members work just as well (or badly) as non-members, all employees will be paid as if they were doing excellent work.

Great Art! • Weird Japan: When Ayano Tsukimi, 64, moved from Osaka back to her home village of Nagoro, she found a population of only 37 people and set out to “replace” those who had died or moved away—by creating life-size stuffed dolls, with

unsettling facial features, which she positions around town as if to suggest a larger population. Tsukimi estimates that she has created about 350 “inhabitants,” and, reported Global Post in May, “imagines a future where she’s outlived all her neighbors and only dolls remain.” • Food trucks are ubiquitous in many urban areas, bringing ethnic foods to street corners, and now in the New York City neighborhoods of Williamsburg and Soho, art impresarios bring stage presentations to the insides of 24-foot trucks parked on the street. Typically, ticket-holders (fewer than 20) climb in for a 30-minute play, followed by a 15-minute “intermission” a few steps away at a neighborhood bar, and then it’s back in the truck for another half-hour. One art-truck producer blamed outlandish New York City real estate prices for the turn to mobile sites. • China’s pre-eminent (and perhaps most terrifying) performance artist, He Yunchang, 48, acknowledged to Agence France-Presse in May that he will do “anything” to advance “art” —as long as it does not kill him. Mr. He most famously removed part of a rib on opening day of the Beijing Olympics in 2008 (on the “lucky” date of 8-8-08) and in 2010 assembled 25 people to vote on whether he should be slashed from collarbone to knee and left bloody on a bed. (Cutting won, 12-10, with three abstentions, and a doctor reluctantly made the incision.) A gallery owner in Australia told AFP that He’s “pain” and “discomfort” “have a transcendent quality” and are “silent rebukes” to Chinese people who endure hardship just for money —ironically believing money will protect them from suffering. • The Itella postal service of Finland announced in April that it would soon sell stamps

featuring 33 designs honoring the late Finnish homoerotic artist Touko Laaksonen, better known as “Tom of Finland.” None were to be “hardcore” images, although a more-explicit companion exhibit will open soon at Finland’s Postal Museum. (Finland, however, is not among Europe’s leaders in progressive treatment of gays.)

Police Report Dan Greding, working on contract with the city of Santa Barbara, California, was busy at work one February day installing signs on street lamps warning that only “75 Minute Parking” was permitted. On one block, three signs were called for, but the last one required Greding to drill into concrete, insert screws and wait for the concrete to dry —which apparently took more than 75 minutes, and a passing police officer ticketed his truck. Greding’s first appeal of the citation was denied, but a second appeal was pending at press time. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!

April 2015

By Rosie Sorenson

www.foolishtimes.net

The Way of

the Cat

I’ve spent the past 20 years caring for the homeless cats of Buster Hollow. One important lesson I’ve learned has come from Girly Girl, a smart gorgeous striped tiger: “Keep it simple, Stupid.” Cats do not overthink their communications. Many years ago, during one of my binge dating episodes, I met a man named Clifford. He was sweet, attentive and a possible keeper. One evening, early in the relationship, he mentioned he’d had some difficulty being intimate (Viagra had yet to be invented). There’s nothing like a man who makes himself vulnerable to inspire this former Girl Scout to want to pitch in and help. Which I did. Successfully. He offered to reciprocate. I accepted. However, right as things were heating up, he stopped and said, “Well, I think I’d better be going now.” Instead of saying, “WTF— you’re gonna just stop . . . right now?” I just mumbled, “Well, OK, I guess if you have to. My spunk, like Elvis, had left the building. “Can I see you again? “Sure.” Followed him to the door. Pecked him on the cheek. slunk back to bed, thinking, Dammit, when will I be able to grab hold of my feelings and speak up on the spot, consequences be damned? This was not one of those times. Instead of thinking of Jesus, I wondered: What Would Girly Girl Do? I’d seen no evidence that she or the other cats were plagued, as I was, with negative self-talk: Gee, will he be mad if I tell him how I really feel? Maybe if I had said it this way. Or that way? Would it have made any difference?

Cats are endowed with the perfect operating system: no intervening variable between impulse and action. Whatever they do is the right thing at the right time. No shame, no blame, no guilt. No question. Girly Girl would have smacked Clifford across the puss and hissed, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

I’ve come to realize that if I’m not careful, I can active-listen myself out of existence.

I thought back to my grad school days in the 70s when women struggled to be listened to and respected. My friends and I joined a support group. Here we were, bright, educated women, having to spend our time talking about all the professors who preyed on female students, with no consequence. The concept of sexual harassment didn’t exist in law then, only in the bones of women who were powerless to protest. Whenever I encountered the most egregious predator― pockmarked face, skinny butt packed into shiny pants―I’d clutch my books to my chest, contemplate the tile floor and scamper. I preferred walking up five flights of stairs to being trapped in the elevator with him. My classmates and I took assertiveness training classes and began to speak up. I practiced on retail clerks, in an overamped but hopefully not nasty way, to dig a new groove, to create a habit so

automatic that I would no longer allow anyone to mistreat me. I enrolled in Parent Effectiveness Training, taught by a friend, because I liked the concepts. In 10 weeks, I learned how to use a threepart “I” message to deliver my nonblameful point: “When you interrupt me, I feel irritated, because it seems like you don’t respect me.” That kind of thing. I also mastered the art of “active listening,” which became useful later in my counseling practice. During the ensuing years, however, I’ve come to realize that if I’m not careful, I can active-listen myself out of existence. Too much indiscriminate empathy can be squandered on the wrong people. I still own that skill, though, and can whip it out when needed. It might be useful in a hostage situation if I were facing down a gunman. The conversation might proceed something like this: Rosie, noticing the assault rifle pointed at her and her fellow shoppers at the local 7-Eleven, says to the gunman: “You seem really on edge right now.” Bad Guy: “What’re you talkin’ about? I ain’t scared. Keep yer

damn hands in the air.” The clerk, guarded by another gunman, fumbles with the lock on the safe. Would it kill him to hurry up? Rosie: “I get that you’re really frustrated right now―I mean, with so many people to control. Must be a hard job, this robbing thing.” Bad Guy: “Well, it ain’t easy, I can tell you that. Somebody always shootin’ off their mouth, like, ‘Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me!’” Rosie: “And that makes you kind of angry.” Bad Guy: “Well, yeah. I ain’t no killer―I just need some money.” Rosie: “Heck, you’re just trying to get by.” Bad Guy: “’S’ right―just tryin’ to get by. Hey, hurry up back there―we ain’t got all day.” Seems to me that what’s more efficient is The Way of the Cat: one fast thwap to the head, and we’re done here. Meow. Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News, and others. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.

April 2015

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Online Dating Thank you for sharing your online dating stories. Here is a sample of some of the “print friendly” responses. When did the art of relationship start to go so badly? I spent the hour plus that it takes to fill out the eharmony profile, paid my money and waited while it sized me up. After reviewing my personality, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, between Monterey and San Jose I was provided with one match. His most recently read book? A biography about Boba Fett. So, I closed the account. What is the problem? Your match likes Star Wars. A lot of people like Star Wars. I like Family Guy. Does that disqualify me from dating? One time I received a greeting from a man on an online dating site. It said, “Good morning butful” That’s odd, I thought I used spellcheck! Seriously, there are plastic surgeons that have women pay them to be butful. We meet at a local restaurant. She had a great smile and was engaging. During the course of dinner, I feel an attachment to her when suddenly she receives a text and excuses herself. That was the last I saw her. Don’t take it personally. It

probably was a touch of the flu. It’s been going around. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Barely a hug and no chance of a good night kiss! What a waste of money and time on someone who was a “match.” What were you expecting? Wedding plans? Getting married after one date is reserved for people who live in Santa Cruz! We met in a coffee shop. I feel it’s the safest place in this world of uncertainty. Waiting for 15 minutes, I was ready to leave when a man approached and asked if I was going to come over and join him. Needless to say, he did not look like his profile picture and didn’t like hearing about it. I guess it was better than being stood up. I hope the coffee was good. Once she started drinking I couldn’t get her to shut-up. Who cares about her ex-husband and her quest to find herself? There is a reason she is single. Now, now! There is a match for all of us. Keep looking and stay out of the gin joints!

April 2015

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Sonic, Plastic Bags, April Showers, Tax Day

by Rex Keyes

Salinas has again beaten the Monterey Peninsula out of good fast food places. Not only have they had an In and Out Burger for ages, they now have in the Kmart parking lot on North Davis a brand new Sonic Burger. The place is packed on weekends and the hamburgers are good. It is like American Graffiti come back to life with the employees coming out on roller skates to take your order. All we need is some cars from the 50s and 60s for some additional ambiance. So, come on Monterey, stop being so stagnant and bring some old fashioned American culture back to the area! You

have old buildings and old politicians so it should not be so difficult. Tell those young environmental (notice the word mental in environmental) kids that history takes precedence and swiftly approve some more establishments. It took some years to approve an In and Out Burger so it should take a lot shorter time to approve a new A&W Root Beer Stand! Speaking about environmental items; when it comes to having to pay for plastic shopping bags or bring your own, how come we are so far behind the times? The Germans have been ahead of us for more than 50 years

The custom of shouting “April Fool!” was brought to the United States by English settlers in the early 1600s.

April Fool’s Day Phobias

Aphrilophobia - the fear of April Fool’s Day Katagelophobia - Fear of Ridicule or Embarrassment Neophobia - Fear of something new Scopophobia - Fear of being stared at Ereuthophobia - Fear of blushing Mythophobia - Fear of making a false statement Traumatophobia - Fear of being emotionally wounded or injured It is said that when people pull pranks on one another, it’s a way of saying that they care. Don’t pull a prank you wouldn’t mind having done on yourself.

on this subject. In the 60s in Germany, shoppers had to bring their own bags or pay for new bags. Of course, environmental concerns weren’t the main reason this policy was in effect. It was cheapness. They, the stores, figured why should they pay for bags for customers to haul their own groceries home. Anyway, whatever the reason they chose, it greatly helped the environment and we are just now, in 2015, emulating them. So it is April and we should have April showers. If we don’t,

It is like American Graffiti come back to life with the employees coming out on roller skates then there will be severe water restrictions, which means that people will be taking fewer showers. So here is a secret. Stocks in companies specializing in underarm deodorants and body sprays should go up. But this way of making money by investing in those stocks stinks and one should go to a Clinique to learn how. Afterwards you’ll be Suave and be on the Right Guard to protect yourself from losses. Of course the best place to go to study these stocks is the peaceful desert where it is Arrid and Extra Dry. So don’t Axe this plan because risk is the Old Spice of life. April 15, a very joyous day for the working class is coming up. It is a day everyone can hardly

wait to pay their federal and state government politicians and agencies. The US Post Office will even stay open late and stamp the taxpayer’s envelope if he or she brings it in before midnight in order to avoid a late penalty. That is so nice of them. Everyone knows that their tax money will be going to a good cause to highly efficient organizations, which of course is the state and federal governments. Ah yes, parties will be happening throughout the US to celebrate this once a year occurrence of paying income taxes. Oh, by the way, Happy April Fool’s Day!!

Knock, knock Who’s there? Some bunny Some bunny who? Some bunny has been eating my carrots!

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April 2015

What’s in your Easter Basket? Answers on pg 24

Eggs Chocolate Peeps Pez Gum Cookies Money Chicken Duck Rabbit Crayons Bunny Ears Frisbee Jerky Trail Mix Flowers Grass Jelly Bean Bubbles Socks Play Dough

Mira, WOW! By Daria James

We couldn’t find a vampire so we interviewed Daria. 1) Why do you do comedy? Because why not? I used to set my own limitations, one day I had an epiphany and said why not?! Once you let go of anything and anybody setting you back you are free to do and be whatever you want, whether it is comedy, or math, as long as you are happy just do what you want! 2) What are some of the challenges you have encountered? Comedy is male dominated, unlike science and math, comedy is in the ear of the beholder, hu-

mor is subjective. And then, you have the whole “women aren’t funny” cliché. I had a guy tell me I swear too much, I said so fr@#$% what? What were there kids in the audience? This is an adult show. 3) How does your husband feel about you doing comedy? He’s waiting for his percentage. He’s very supportive, he has to be. I’m his wife right? Wrong! I have seen a few women as well as men just give up on their hobby because they did not have a supportive partner. If you are with somebody, support their dream, don’t hinder them, with oh, you’re going to do comedy again?! I want you

The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

Garden Lizards You can’t feed garden lizards A diet of chicken gizzards And expect them to thrive Or even stay alive If they are to flourish Then they must be nourished Not with cakes and pies But with gnats and fliesl Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

to watch tv with me, waaah!!! Do not be selfish, nobody ever became successful by not working hard. You know why nerds are successful? They don’t have girlfriends. Find a person that will be a team player. You know how dumb it sounds?! Oh you work too much, quit making all the money to buy me things. I take care of the kids, bologna. First of all, you’re supposed to take care of your kids. 4) Who are your comedic

Do not be selfish, nobody ever became successful by not working hard. influences? I grew up in Mexico; I used to watch a lot of Eugenio Derbez, Anabel and Hector Suarez. When I moved to California, I started watching George Carlin, Kathleen

Madigan, Ron White, Tig Notaro, Maria Bamford and Bill Burr. Back in 2001, I discovered Comedy Central and they used to broadcast Stand-Up comedy, just like MTV used to broadcast music videos. Both channels are terrible now. 5) Your comedy has evolved from hobby to work, do you still enjoy it? Do you see yourself doing it for a long time? Yes, I enjoy comedy very much. I put out a product, if people like it it’s great and if they don’t I don’t lose sleep over it. I don’t care if you don’t care. Even on-line. I don’t go to a page of a person I highly dislike to leave distasteful and rude comments, that says a lot more than less about me then that one person I am trying to hate on. I don’t like certain comedians so I don’t listen to them. Free will these days.

April 2015

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Foolish Counsel Q: I don’t have any friends, and I’ve tried everything I can to fix that. How do I make friends? A: Consider a hobby. I personally play tackle golf, but other good ones include architectural crochet and anthill hiking. There’s also speed friending, where you have 10 minutes to explain why you’re not quite dateable, just friendable. Or you could have a conversation with the voices in your head. The ones in mine are so nice to me. Q: I have a gambling addiction. I need help. What should I do? A: I’ll bet you five bucks you beat it on your own. Q: What should I be for Halloween?

a calendar? Because it’s April, for goodness sake. Try a spin on an old classic - be a sexy proctologist, or a half-naked SWAT officer. Or be something scary, like global warming. You could be California’s dwindling water supply, a teacher’s salary, or, worst of all, your mother’s face. I know that scares me every time.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? An egghead.

A: Have you considered being

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A man walks out of the Crown & Anchor on to the street and was approached by a panhandler, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?” The man thinks a minute and says, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?“ “No,” says the panhandler. The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?” Again the reply was, “No.” The man remarked to the panhandler, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

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April 2015 that I have a love affair with tomatoes. Fred and Ginger go on to sing:

By Lily Brun

To-May-to … To-Mah-to It’s spring. Yippee, that means time to plant the seeds of summer vegetables in the garden. Winter in the garden is mostly about root veggies … turnips, parsnips, rutabegas, radishes, beets, occasionally carrots and kale, kale, kale and kale. Well, maybe just kale and kale. But spring in the garden brings dreams of summer vegetables - beans, snow peas, broccoli, asparagus, peppers, cucumbers, zucchini, winter squash and spinach, to name a few. But the one vegetable, albeit technically a fruit, that makes me want to channel Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers and sing “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” is the tomato! You know, they sing, “to-may-to, to-mah-to, po-tay-to, po-tah-to, let’s all the whole thing off.” I’m happy to report that they’re not actually singing about tomatoes or potatoes, for that matter, because planting tomatoes is an outright necessity, not to be called off. And that’s because

there is absolutely nothing that tastes as good as a fresh, justpicked, homegrown, summer tomato. Oh my, it’s no wonder it’s been called the love apple. I have been known to stand in my garden, on a hot July day, picking and eating tomatoes; juices dripping down my chin and onto my shirt. Don’t care. No one around but my chickens to judge me. Last month, I filled my greenhouse shelves with pots of tomato seeds; just like the tomato, I’m an overachiever. Currently, I have 37 tomato seedlings that will be ready to plant in the weeks ahead. I’ve got red and yellow and orange; cherry and plum and grape. I’m hoping I have a bumper crop so I can sauce ‘em and sun dry ‘em and pickle ‘em and then in winter when there are no fresh tomatoes to be had, I’ll be in tomato heaven. As a lover of tomatoes, it’s odd now to think that they were once thought to be poisonous and if eaten would, quite likely, send you to heaven. The tomato plant, a

member of the deadly night-shade family, is poisonous; everything but the beautiful red fruit that we eat. And we’ve been eating them here in the States since the 1700s. They took a circuitous route to get here, beginning in Peru where they grew wild, returning to Europe with the Spanish explorers, and brought back to the US with European immigrants where they have become the number one home-grown vegetable … next to zucchini, a topic for another day. I’m not embarrassed to admit

But oh, if we call the whole thing off, Then we must part And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart. It would indeed brake my heart to sever my relationship with tomatoes. The only severing I’m going to do is when I pick them off the vine. No matter how you pronounce it, to-may-to or to-mah-to, in my vernacular I just say yummy!

A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little “cheeper!”

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one!

April 2015

GEEZERS

By Richard Matranga When my body mutinied about 10 years ago, it wasn’t long before logic told me that my brain probably wasn’t far behind. somehow, I knew I could survive the physical demise, but not the deterioration of my mental faculties. I would like to believe that games like Jeopardy play a significant role in my brain power re-maining intact, but I have been coming up short lately … can’t seem to “pull” the trigger … I’m sure it’s something with the “buzzer.” At any rate, much of my time is spent “cogitating.” I can no longer make wine, no longer have

a desire to practice law and I don’t move up and down a keyboard as well as I used to. The odds are pretty darn good that whatever endeavors I attempt in the days to come will succeed only in becoming “fails” if they require physical skills. After a lengthy dialogue with myself, I arrived at the conclusion that, unless I am going to emulate the great Robin Williams, I have some time remaining on this planet; best to do something positive and worthwhile. Robin left us with a wonderful body of work before he took his leave. Aside from producing a fine son, I haven’t created or developed

www.foolishtimes.net anything that I could share, except for a couple of bad recipes. So, I find myself working more feverishly nowadays in my attempt to accomplish something worthwhile before I leave the planet. Preferably, something that will leave the world with even a better laugh than about 65 years ago when I showed up. I will have to be something “cerebral” in nautre … you know, something I can accomplish from the living room sofa.

So, I find myself working more feverishly nowadays in my attempt to accomplish something worthwhile before I leave the planet. As if this isn’t enough to think about, one of the great blues musicians, one James Cotton, play-ing “virtuoso” on a Horner, Marine Band, Diatonic, 10-hole Harmonica (see it on youtube) flashed across the screen a couple of days ago; next thin I know, inspiration got the best of me and I ordered a “harp” in the key of “C” to start. It arrived yesterday in the mail. It was in the key of “D.” I thought … a sign? Naah! The next couple of months should tell whether my endeavor into African-American music, as a whit man, will, in some small way, improve the world around me. If I were a bettin’ man, I would say, “Don’t play on any bookings at “The House of Blues.” As I put my harmonica back on the shelf after eight minutes of intense practice, I call my “per-sonal manager” who advises that he lined up a “gig” in a place called Goshen. I pays $50 and costs $60 to get to. Close enough. I’m on my way.

Meanwhile, I’ll cling to that latent, lingering (if you will) talent I discovered a couple of years ago like a cat clings to a blackboard. Could it be that “writing” may elicit a smile, or even a chuckle or two from other warped souls out there? Somewhere deep in my being, is an idea that could, like a gas leak, linger for an undetermined period of time, then escape and be unleashed on an unsuspecting world, or even better, turn into a solid contribution to mankind. The inevitable query is whether this cerebral flatulence, aka, an “idea,” will meet the smell test. Oh, oh, I think I just had an idea … you decide whether it stinks or not. My son, Danny, is beginning to build a following as a personal trainer and enjoying success with the senior community, in particular. I envision him creating a “franchise” catering specifically to the burgeoning population of “old farts.” No teens. No 25 yearold body builders. No young divas. The focus would be purely on embellishing the lifestyle and fitness of people over 55. Fit-ness centers would spring up all over America, not only equipped with weights, exer-cycles, stairmasters, etc. but would also have a “train your brain,” area in each facility sporting “mind games,” like Jeopardy, crosswords, computers, etc. The name …. Geezers! Diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2004, Richard picked up a lap-top and began to “author” his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life…..with a humorous “bite.”

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April 2015

THE OYSTER-BUNNY By Jim Dultz

The True Origin of the Easter Egg (In Rhyme)

With only water and sand to eat His future seemed pretty bleak.

Down in the seas of icky-gloomy (Near the shores of itchy-goomy) Lived a lonely oyster-bunny Named Sonny.

And the sand tasted something awful! He must have a mouthful of sand! But every time he spit sand out In came tons more sand.

Sonny wasn’t quite an oyster And he wasn’t quite a bunny He wasn’t like the others And it really wasn’t funny.

Finally, he couldn’t take it. He had to get out of his rut! He knew he had to do something But he wasn’t exactly sure what.

But the fishes all made fun of him The oysters all cracked up The clams all laughed their heads off And the guppies yupped it up.

The first step, he thought ”Was to get out from under.” So he mustered up all The strength he could muster

The jelly fishes jelly jiggled The whale thought him amusing The octopus, beside himself Would chuckle between snoozing. What a sad little creature was Sonny He wouldn’t have hurt a flea Yet he wished there were somewhere Deeper to sink Than the bottom of the deep blue sea. So he buried himself beneath the sand Up to the lash of his eyes He wanted to be invisible But settled for well disguised. All eyes and ears, he watched and heard But mostly he just laid While his schoolmates, all happy as clams Swam around and played. He stayed this way for one whole week (Mostly all he did was sleep.)

He wiggled and jiggled Until he was free ’Till the water swooshed over His shell and debris. ”What a fabulous feeling!”, Thought the freed bunny-oyster ”No feeling felt better, Felt wetter or moister!” Everything seemed different now, Every sensation seemed new. ”How great to be one with the sea, How gorgeous, green and blue!” Then soon came all the fishes The jellies and the others The oysters and the octopuses The guppies and their brothers. And one by one they greeted him And hugged, as fishes do The clams all clamored up to Sonny And said they missed him, too. The whale said that she loved him. Then Sonny began to cry. She said, ”The sea had lost its luster Without the little guy.”

Sonny was so happy He thought his heart would burst! There was so much he wanted to say, But do you know what happened first? The second that Sonny opened his mouth Thousands of sparkling jewels shot out Beautiful, colorful, shiny pearls Covered in polka-dots, stripes and swirls! Everyone was so excited And not the least, was Sonny Nobody knew such a beautiful sight Could come out of an oysterbunny. Sonny gave every pearl, but one, away As a gift to everyone there, that day As a gem to remember and always hold dear, ”That from each and every grain of sand A pearl can appear.” ”Life’ s a funny place”, says Sonny ”Filled with miracles and mystery.” Now every year he hides his pearls And the rest, they say, is history. THE END.

Q:What kind of music do planets sing? A:Neptunes! Q: What’s a light-year? A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories. Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship? A: It wanted to see the mooooooon! Q: What do planets like to read? A: Comet books! Q: What did the alien say to the garden? A: Take me to your weeder! Q: Why don’t aliens eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny! Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard? A: The space bar! Q: Why did the cow go to outer space? A: To visit the milky way. Q: Where would an astronaut park his space ship? A: A parking meteor! Q: What was the first animal in space? A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

April 2015

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Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 10

Foolish Search An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This led to some strange behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to avoid jumping, but instead to run around like the other squirrels. One day the rabbit was really feeling sad, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. After explaining to them how it felt different from its stepsiblings, they gave him a big hug and said, “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Answers from page 19

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I can ﬁx, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!

Central Coast Pet Sitter

No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

10th Street Ceramics

Spring in for a new hobby. Ready to paint projects. All Ages. 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com

WRITING WORKSHOPS

DONUTS

Award winning author can help you ﬁnd your inner writing voice. All levels welcome 831.250.5171 creativebookconcepts.com

Red’s Donuts wholesale division is accepting new locations to vend. Boost your sales with the ﬁnest and freshest donuts. Also available for fundraising. 831.236.0390 redsdonuts.com

AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium

Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of ﬁsh, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staﬀ. 831.372.3474

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

theultimateaquarium.net

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

www.foolishtimes.net

April 2015 on your mobile while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.” “Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”

Blonde on Fire

Charles Darwin

Bakery Shenanigans

Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard. One of the blond girls whispers to the other, “Wow, look, it’s Charles Darwin!!” “Are you stupid, he’s been dead for over 200 years!” the other blonde replies. Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says, “Howdy Charles, I haven’t seen you for hundreds of years, what have you been up to?” The first blonde says to the second, “Who’s stupid now?”

A brunette and a blond go into a bakery. The blond immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the brunette, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The brunette says to the blond, “That’s typical of you blonds. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The brunette swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the brunette swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The brunette replies, “Look in the blond’s back pocket…..”

First Football Game A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

Blond Blue-tooth A blonde went to the dentist. “I want you to paint my teeth blue.” “What!?” – exclaimed the dentist. “Just do it!!” So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her. “Mam, your were talking

A blonde’s house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, “Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!” The operator said, “Okay, calm down and we’ll be there soon. How do we get to your house?” The blonde answered, “Duh, in that big red truck!”

Blonde International Training College A blonde has been attending Blonde International Training College, a school set up to give blondes a chance to make it in the real world, for 10 years. She keeps failing this one class that she needs to graduate : basic math. The administrators need to get her out to make room for new students, but can’t just give her the grade. So, they instead decide to ask her a simple math question at the graduation ceremony. If she answers correctly, she graduates. Sure enough, she fails the class again, and shouldn’t walk across the stage, but the admins invite her to the ceremony. They stand her before everyone and say, “Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?” The blonde thinks about it for a while and finally says, “Four.” The crowd stands up in objection and demands, “Give her another chance!!”

A Blonde’s Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store

because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! … bottles won’t fit in printer !!! March Got really excited … finished jigsaw puzzle in six months … box said ‘2-4 years!’ April Trapped on escalator for hours … power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid … wrong instructions … eight cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing … couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.” August Got locked out of my car in a rain storm … car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is C … isn’t it ? October Hate M&M’s … they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for four and onehalf days … instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108! December Couldn’t call 911 … ’duh’ … there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!

April 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

All month in April

April 4

April 11-12

April 22

National Humor Month

Laughin’ at the Blue Fin XXII

Good Old Days

Paul Taylor Dance

Founded in 1976 by Larry Wilde. It is designed to heighten public awareness of the joy and therapeutic value of laughter. www.larrywilde.com

Every Friday & Saturday in April

Comedy at its best with local favorite son Cory Robinson. A few of his funny friends join him for a great evening. www.coryshowtime.com

Ongoing through May 4

April 1

April Fool’s Day

A day of merriment and pranks.

April 5

Easter April 7

No Housework Day

Back away slowly from the vacuum cleaner with your hands in the air and nobody will get hurt!

April 9

Name Yourself Day

Most don’t agree with parent’s decision on their names. What exactly do you want to be called?

April 9-12 April 3

George “Buddy” Guy

Five time Grammy Award winner and Rock & Roll Hall of Famer. One of the greatest blues guitar players ever! Played MJF in 1992. www.sunsetcenter.org

April 3

National Walk to Work Day If you live in Monterey and work in Salinas, start a day early so you will be on time.

April 12-16

Take your Daughter to Work Day

4th annual event featuring a growing multitude of top artists in the world. Artists paint together outdoors around the area all week. pleinairconvention.com

Monterey’s oldest comedy nightspot featuring local and nationally known comedians www.planetgemeni.com

YAC celebrates 15 years with a unique collection of work by 30 alums and mentors. www.yacstudios.org

One of the most exciting, innovative, and delightful dance companies in the entire world. csumb.edu/worldtheater

Plein Air Painting

Planet Gemini

YAC at MMA

More than 250 arts and food vendors fill this little town with big fun. Four stages with great entertainment and a parade to boot! www.pacificgrove.org

P.B. Food and Wine

The areas epic epicurean event with 75 celebrity chefs and 250 wineries. www.pbfw.com

April 11-12

Moss Landing Marine Lab’s Open House The doors swing open for you to come see all that is cool with cutting edge research in marine ecology, oceanography and more. www.mbari.org

April 14

Ex-Spouse Day

Please don’t shoot the messenger! All too often, relationships don’t work out. If you can’t find any redeeming trait in your ex, no one will fault you for skipping today’s celebration.

April 16-19

Sea Otter Classic

25th anniversary of the largest cycling and consumer festival trade show in North America. Bike races, stunt shows and fun rides for all ages and level of riding. www.seaotterclassic.com

April 18

Earth Day in Salinas

Come to Natividad Creek Park for a day of service and fun! Ongoing restoration efforts by volunteers have made this a thriving and beautiful community park and healthy wildlife habitat. www.volunteermatch.org

April 23

Show your daughter what you do 40 hours a week that pays for her cell phone, new hair style and trips to the mall.

April 24-25

Big Sur International Marathon

The “Best Marathon in North America” draws entries from all over the world. Also a 5k, Marathon relay and 3K. www.bsim.org

April 25

Tide Pooling at Pt. Pinos

The day will include full “feet-on and hands-on” activities from tide-pool exploration, games, to arts & crafts.

April 26

Dia del Nino

Disfruta de música latina, artesanías familiares, shows de alimentación bilingües y mucho más. montereybayaquarium.org

April 29-30

Mariachi Rayna De Los Angeles

This group of trail-blazing all females bring sensitivity, beauty, warmth and an attractive perspective to the realm of Mexico’s musical heritage that is Mariachi. csumb.edu/worldtheater

April 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

SPCA Benefit Shop

John's Consignment & Home Decore

Second Chance

Branches Resale Shoppe

Ash Resale â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Finders Keepers

THE

8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

RESALE TRAIL

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

D E

C B

Featured Shop MPVS is the oldest non-profit Benefit shop on the Monterey Peninsula and is run solely by women volunteers. Proceeds are contributed to a variety of charitable and cultural non-profit organizations serving the communities on the greater Monterey Peninsula since 1950.