Foolish Times Febuary 2020

Feburary 2020

2 \\ Foolish Times

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Feburary 2020 // 3

What The Bleep Is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Contributors Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Peter Mehren, Nancy Pyzel, Jay Russell, Gilly Spangler, Mary Tompsett

The Chucklehead Speaks Marriage is tough and requires cooperation between two parties to make it work. Fair is a shade of makeup. I’m in the 50% of the population where marriages ended in divorce. The other 50% ends in death so I think I got the better end of the deal. Without divorces, most of our restaurants wouldn’t be able to find servers and bartenders.

When I was married, I came home from work one day and asked my wife if she will always love me and never leave me even as I grow old, with failing eyesight and a hard to control bladder. She told me, “Of course I’ll love you and would never leave you because of that.”

I asked her if she will love me if I became impotent and we didn’t have a sex life anymore.

“Nonsense,” she said. “It won’t be a problem.”

I asked her if she would still love me if I was walked out from my high profile, six figure income job in Silicon Valley and we couldn’t continue to afford the same lifestyle.

She reassured me that she would always love me told me but most of all, she would miss me.

Stevie P. // publisher@foolishtimes.net

Cartoonists Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

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PG

PRETTY GOOD!

D

RO EST

YS

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com Previously:

Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. But when Army cannon fire is ineffective and the creature escapes with teenager Neil Scallopini to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with tranquilizer dart-tipped missiles, and the T. Rex and Neil are incarcerated. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. CEO Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature on a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals how the T.Rex came out of his iceberg hunting expedition for the Icily Nicely Ice Co., and demands to be released. Later when Captain Horatio Algae corroborates his fantastic story, Neil regains his freedom, and just as Monster Mart’s Grand Opening commences he learns from Felicia Nicely how Lester Krasse defrauded the company...

Felicia’s phone call threw everything in a different light. Neil replaced the receiver and stared at the TV screen. Monster Mart was filling up with shoppers.

Finding Krasse might be tough. And the longer I sit, the harder it’s going to get. He munched on the last of the sandwich, drained the glass of milk, turned off the TV, went to the hall closet and pulled on a sweatshirt. Then he locked the front door behind him and headed for the carport.

The Kharman Ghia looked like new, but it was a major restoration project. It took Neil and his Dad months to painstakingly patch and sand the body, and then what seemed like forever to save up the money for the chrome and paint job. Finally the day came when they drove the little car to the Heavenly Body Shop to paint over the dull gray primer with a screaming canary yellow. His father brought it home the day before he left for Tacoma, and together they rode in it just once before Neil drove him to the airport. Neil flicked a speck of dirt from the fender, climbed in, and after fastening his seat-belt, cautiously backed out the driveway.

The freeway seemed no busier than usual. That was, until he spied the “Godzelda” billboard marking the exit shown on the Monster Mart map. It was clogged with traffic. Neil decided to get off at the next one instead, and come in the back way. He bore down on the accelerator and clicked on the radio, searching the dial for KTOM’s Monster Mart broadcast with Tommy Kaye.

“Now I know for a fact shopping can work up a whale of an appetite,” the announcer declared. “Especially in a mega-mall like this. And if you could use a bite right now—- Come on, get in on our Monster Meal Deal! That’s a giant Monster Burger, fries, and a big thick green Monster Shake all for one low price....” #15-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

Episode 15

"The Real Monster"

Mr. Monster watched the announcer glibly breeze though the commercial. “Who is that?” he demanded. “The man’s got a mouth on him like a machine-gun!”

“That’s Tommy Kaye, the guy I was telling you about.” Krasse waved to get the announcer’s attention.

Tommy finished his spiel and ambled over to join Krasse and Mr. Monster. “This crowd is awesome!

I mean, I’ve never seen this kind of turn-out before, and I’ve been in broadcasting twenty years!”

“Well, naturally!” drawled Malcolm D. Monster. “No store you been to could compare to this!”

“And no store anywhere’s ever shown a real dinosaur before,” Krasse reminded them. Mr. Monster chuckled and winked at Tommy Kaye. “That might could have a little something to do with it,” he conceded.

Krasse nervously stole a glance at his watch. Still no word on Dr. Quayle, and the crowd was buzzing expectantly. What should he do? “Tommy,” he said finally, “why don’t you go back on and talk up the free Croaker Cola one more time. Then take a break and after that, you better introduce Mr. Monster.”

“You got it,” answered Tommy, and he went out and did three minutes on the free soft drink. Then he quit the stage and strolled around the mega-mall.

He found an automated snack bar and dialed up two Monster Meals.

Meanwhile, the audience was growing restless.

“Bring on the dinosaur!” someone yelled. “Yeah, we want Godzelda!” The expectant murmuring grew louder.

Tommy hit the Men’s Wear section next. A pinstriped shirt caught his fancy, which he examined more closely but didn’t buy. He did purchase a loud silk necktie that was on sale. Then after visiting the

men’s room, he headed backstage.

“We want Godzelda! WE WANT GODZELDA!!”

The crowd was chanting and stamping their feet impatiently. Krasse had hoped by this time Dr. Quayle would arrive with the dinosaur’s injection. He hadn’t.

“I’m back,” Tommy announced. “Even managed to sneak in a little shopping.”

“Never mind that!” snapped the ad man. “You get on out there! This mob’s gonna explode.”

“No sweat! Mr. Monster ready?”

“Yes! Now, hurry!”

Tommy waddled back on stage. He held up both hands to quiet the crowd and get everyone’s attention. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “it gives me sincere pleasure to introduce to you, the company founder and the real Monster behind Monster Mart, Malcolm D. Monster!”

The flashy retailer strutted on stage to a cheering crowd. He joined Tommy Kaye at the podium and waved to enthusiastic applause. Peterson ran up to Krasse. “Still no sign of the doctor, and Godzelda’s got to have her shot! What are we going to do?”

“How should I know?” muttered the ad man. He stared out at the crowd. “Wait a minute! Maybe he is here! Maybe he’s just lost in this mob!”

“We could page him over the P.A. system.”

“In the middle of Malcolm’s big speech? You nuts?

No, that’s out!”

Peterson brightened. “I know,” he said. “I’ll call Security. If he’s in the store, they can find him and bring him here.

“Better hurry,” warned the ad man. “That creature has to have that shot before curtain-time.”

“I know. Or it’s curtains for us!”

Next issue:

Episode 16 Dr. Quayle and Bloody Mary

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

Feburary 2020 // 5

Eat It UP! FAST FOOD

ITALIAN

WINE

THAI

If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

Gino’s

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region.

Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

Yangtse’s Taste of Thai

Voted best restaurant in Salinas.

The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

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JAPANESE

Alberto’s Restorante

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CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

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Chef to the stars offers fine classic Italian cuisine in an intimate setting. Celebrating 19 years in PG. Dine in, take out. Holiday party reservations.

SEAFOOD

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If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

MEXICAN

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

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Jose’s A local’s favorite!

Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous.

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Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and veggie dishes.

Open daily for lunch & dinner.

Catering available.

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PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio.

Full menu to midnight.

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Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available.

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BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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6 \\ Foolish Times

believe in long engagements, Leap Day is the traditional day to “pop the question” and set a date.

This tradition has survived in the United States and was well known from about 1900 to the 1960s. But since leap years are four years apart and with the modern generation, it has fallen out of the limelight. If your boyfriend mentions that it is not normal for a woman to propose, tell him it’s tradition on Leap Day and have him check it out on the internet.

Now here are some of the women who have proposed to their “loved ones”: Queen Victoria in 1839, Zsa Zsa Gabor to all her nine husbands, Halle Berry, Heather Mills, Jenifer Hudson, Pink and Britney Spears just to name a few. Remember that if he says “no”, tradition dictates he buys you some nice gift, and since we are in 2020, not the year 500, go with a sports car or a shopping spree at one of the aforementioned stores. Remember if you don’t propose this year then it will be another four year wait. Good Luck!

Women’s Rights & Leap Day Most people think women’s rights are a fairly new item, but it’s great to look way in the past and see some breakthrough in ancient history. This February, Leap Day (Feb. 29), has connections to a small specific breakthrough in women’s rights starting around the year 500 and continuing right up to the present. Throughout history it was considered tradition that the men propose to the women, not the other way around.

In Ireland, in 500, a woman called Brigid of Kildare made one change to that. She made it normal to allow women to propose their man on Leap Day. That tradition spread to all of Europe. In fact, the word “bride” is said to have originated from her name because the English took her Irish name

and translated it as “Bride of Kildare”. Then about 1288, in Queen Margaret of Scotland’s reign, fines were set for men who turned down marriage proposals by their women. A man would have to give his woman some sort of gift as in a fancy gown, gloves or money. Maybe now they should change that to allow a woman a shopping spree at Macy’s, Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Ave. or Nordstrom.

Now there are reasons why a woman should propose to her partner. If a woman is going with a man for years and he hasn’t proposed, either because he might be shy, or is not sure about getting married, this Leap Day would allow the woman to get down to the nitty gritty and get an answer from her partner. If a woman does not

If a woman does not believe in long engagements, Leap Day is the traditional day to “pop the question” and set a date.”

A soldier serving overseas was upset when his fiancé wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her pictures back. He collected all the unwanted photographs of women from his friends that he could find and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I can’t remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their love and humor.

Fool-O-Scope

Feburary 2020 // 7

// Bini

Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram You are a hydrogen bomb these days! This fusion of confusion strikes like a Ring Lardner Hero who rode off in all directions at once. Fall in LOVE, with one person, in one place, at least one at a time, and behold parting lips, soft expressions, a reaching out to caress, a radiant glow, this is what you are missing in your rush to conquer.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull What a mud march you’ve been in. A Bouef Gras stompathon! See the mud as chocolate so you can suck your hoofs. Any case of suffering could be transformed into growing pains. When you resist you get stretch marks. Learning can be enchanting, think of Snow White and her Prince, he went to salientian night classes to perfect that kiss. Even if he practiced on his bullfrog, he endured, and look what he got!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins It’s always a human life for us. Hence, you are lively, intellectual and versatile. Notice how living primarily in the mind can bring many ideas for decorating, and not enough devotion for the ocean of emotion you keep surfing over. Catch this love sick wave darling, it’s the only way to warm the cockles of this meteorological winter in the Northern Hemisphere.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A honeymoon for life! Wow! Your joie de vivre is unbeatable. Not even a 16th century baton could damn it. (Ask Eduard von Grutzner.)

Moon-child, shapes of round encompass you, cylindrical spheres and donut holes cajole you. You love being surrounded by loved ones...and then suddenly, Everybody Ooouuuut! It’s a raid of the temperamental mental. Storing memories and possessions is a divine quest for you to nurture in quiet moments like these.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your Glyph represents two halves of the human heart, Lion Hearted indeed. (Glue is seldom used.)

It’s a transitional month and your luminosity is coming out of the winter broom closet. Your

involuntary servitude to the less fortunate begins to take shape for the New Year. You may feel it necessary to overturn social conventions while sticking to frivolous confections, a King Cake perhaps will keep tempers subdued in the eleventh hour. A nibble can make for a flirty embrace and a fiery roar can open a new door, or obliterate it.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin First Color TV, February of 1954. All things illuminated. When will we see your full rainbow?

Are you going to leave it a mottle upon your palette of the industriously analytical? Know that the hypercritical blots out pink and zero self-indulgence cancels the profundity of indigo.

Capturing your soul’s irrationality is the most orderly venture you‘ll ever undertake, Valentine.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A Lent-e-Mental journey is about to commence so EAT UP! The fasting you will part-take in will clear up the murky waters you’ve been reeling in. Leap out, even if it takes 29 tries. Your time is now for Clarity. Alterations were made on your bullet proof vest. WILD ABOUT no more wimpy you!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A Fat, Fat Tuesday for you! Once reaching the capacity of an insulated boiler, dispensing of your life-force is of most importance in this transit. You are the secret admirer of immortality, so you have nothing to lose except a climax. You are the captain of this BALL, you caroby cherub.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Jon Stewart of the Daily Show, our retired beloved leader, too, is a SAG. Groundhog day this month will be lonely without his wizardry surrounding our underground scurry furry friend with buck teeth. You crave to KNOW! The shadow knows. Try not knowing. It will gnaw out a whole new fleshy outline that can vary your human experience, for example, define true love, a good exercise for you, then watch the Flambeaux light up the dark.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat FEBRUUM: Time of purification. Mardi Gras 1837, the beginning of the end. Carnivals are tides we create beyond the natural ebb and flow. Its design to capture aliveness in its exaltation. Your elephantine desire for a great love is understood, but it requires you to drop your black and white approach. A time of refining, start small attend a Black & White ball, and be smitten with COLOR. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier You can still blush while in a cerebral existence. Do not be alarmed. A healthy sporadic debauchery is long overdue. All things calm, cool, and neglected are protected under the law of odds. But, sooner or later fraud rises like leavening bread. You are HUMAN, putting yourself in a linear projection will have you hemorrhaging.

But, perhaps RED may be just Le Billet in this important physical link. Happy Birthday! We forget-you-not.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s an EMOTIONAL LIFE! Bubble-eyed in surprise?! You shan’t be. You have lived in the deep moving torrents for an eternity. This is not something that needs fixing. This is not hysterics that adhere to the petite hearted. Amorous Angel... too syrupy? Not when the waffles are stale! Don’t change a thing, except, being so pre-occupied with the whole purpose of existence. You are in the pellucid green pool just before the FALLs. What you do for yourself now will be for everyone later on. Take the parade route through the woods, and up the river. Say Hi to Grandma from everyone.

foolish

THOUGHT I wish you could see the stupid smile I get when we’re texting.

8 \\ Foolish Times

Do You Feel a Draft? // Nancy Pyzel My son just turned 18. As a parent trying to teach her adult son to be a responsible citizen, I picked up the Selective Service application at the post office and put it on the dining room table. After a week, the only additions to the application were blobs of what might be barbeque sauce, or possibly ketchup.

I knocked on my son’s door and peered into his darkened bedroom. My 220 pound little darling glanced up briefly from the controller he was gripping, white knuckled, his face illuminated by a large screen on which soldiers cavorted around picturesque locations and shot at each other.

“Sup?” He asked, deftly killing his friend’s soldier with the skill acquired through many hours of practice.

“You want to do this for real?” I averted my gaze from the gore on the screen, so repulsive, yet so inexplicably mesmerizing.

“Hell no!” He protested. His eye roll meant,

‘She’s losing it. Time to put her in a home.’

“Then fill out the Selective Service form and pray we don’t go to war.”

“My friends say we haven’t had the draft since Vietnam. It’s not likely to happen.”

“Don’t get a paper cut.” I replied, closing the door to block the sound of incessant gunfire.

When I was in middle school, I remember a friend’s brother dying in Vietnam. I didn’t have to serve because I was 1) too young and, 2) the wrong sex. I remember being glad that I didn’t’ have to fight, but thinking it grossly unfair to the right sex who had no choice.

Many things have changed in the 45 years since the end of the Vietnam War. In those days, the thought of a woman carrying a gun was deemed ridiculous. Women cops were portrayed on the television show “Batman and Robin” as silly airheads who squealed and tottered off in their police

regulation high heels and miniskirts to the sale at Macy’s, leaving the bank robbers to wreak havoc on Gotham. Forty five years later, women are police, soldiers, and sailors. (Also, robbers and terrorists, but I digress.) Major General Laura Yeager graced the cover of the January Toastmaster magazine as the first woman to lead a U.S. Army infantry division. But men still cannot chose not to be drafted. At least not legally.

My older child, who is unlikely to be drafted because she is 1) almost 26, and 2) the wrong sex, volunteered to call her congress people to protest Selective Service and, if that didn’t work, to help her brother dodge the draft. She expressed outrage at how sexist the SS is. She did not offer to ask her representatives to draft women, just to be fair.

When I asked my son what he would do if they drafted him, he said without hesitation, “I’d say I identify as a woman.” In my day, Canada was the first thing people thought of. No one thought seriously of identifying as a woman or cross dressing, despite Corporal Klinger on M.A.S.H. “Why not identify as a woman right now?” I asked my son. “You can start by putting the game controller down, doing your homework and filling out college applications.” From the way he looked at me, I could tell he was running through the list of local old folks’ homes in his mind, between kill shots.

Women cops were portrayed on the television show “Batman and Robin” as silly airheads who squealed and tottered off in their police regulation high heels and miniskirts to the sale at Macy’s.”

Feburary 2020 // 9

Golf Is Nutz Text Message to Wife: “I’m having just one more beer with guys after golf. If I’m not home in an hour, read this message again.”

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?

Because that’s how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey.

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

On a golf course.

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.

At a county club in Georgia, the board received a letter from the women’s club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. They just ignored the matter. After six months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanded action. After deliberation, they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

What is a handicapped golfer?

One who plays with his boss.

Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.

Golf is an unusual game. When you have a good day, you can’t wait to get back out there, and when you have a bad day, you can’t wait to get back out there.

“I play golf in the low eighties,” the old man was telling one of the youngsters he was paired up with.

“Wow,” said the young man, “that’s pretty impressive.”

“Not really,” said the old man, “Any hotter and I’d probably have a stroke.”

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don’t want to hit anything.

“I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,” sighed a golfer.

“Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

I asked my caddie how do you like my game?

His response was, “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer golf.

I saw a guy playing in front of us looking for his ball and offered to help. “What sort of a ball was it?”

“A brand new one; never been properly hit yet.”

Howard says, “The carrying part wasn’t so hard.

It was putting him down for every stroke and picking him up again that got to me.”

A couple met at Pebble Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacation was over.

“It’s only fair to warn you,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I,” she said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see.” he said. Then brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

“What’s your golf score?” the country club interviewer asked the prospective new member.

“Well, not so good,” replied the golfer. “It’s 69.”

“Wow, that’s very good.”

“Glad you think so. I’m hoping to do even better on the next hole,” the golfer confided.

A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball. “Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I’ll sue you for five million dollars.”

The other golfer replied, “I said ‘fore’.”

The first golfer responded, “I’ll take it.”

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?

It’s still your turn.

The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you.

foolish John and Howard meet in the clubhouse after a Saturday round of golf.

John says to Howard, “I hear you had a tragedy while golfing last week.”

Howard replied, “Yes, I was playing with David and at the end of the ninth hole he dropped dead.”

John says, “Someone told me you carried him back to the clubhouse. That must have been tough without a cart.”

THOUGHT Save money.

Forget who you borrowed it from.

10 \\ Foolish Times

Better Living in the Gutter // Michael Houston

Buskers’ Longevity Quiz Lengthening one’s street/shelf life is a challenge for those of us who plan to live to be a hundred years-plus and only want to remember all the fun stuff and forget our traumas and misfortunes.

Problematic! Accidental reality encroachments caused by inadvertent glances at mirrors can cause life-shortening despair.

Guarantee your long-life and happiness by answering the “Future Ancients Foolish Times Street Artist Longevity Quiz.” Prepare to see yourself into the next centuries!

• Who is in a better position to enjoy a healthy diet than a busker playing street markets?

• Everybody

• Sane people

• Nobody

• All of the above • Who is in a better position to maintain a healthy body weight and avoid oblivion, chronic heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and cancer than a street musician?

• Refugee camp resident

• Famine victim

• Stray dogs

• None of the above • Who is in a better position to extend longevity than a street mariachi with a regular shake, rattle, and rolling activity routine to stave off obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, diabetes, and depression?

• Chimpanzees

• Fruit bats

• Mosquitoes

• All three • Who does more information processing activities to avoid brain atrophy and develop Alzheimer’s disease than a musical street beggar?

• NPR and Fox radio listeners

• Antiquarian newspaper readers

• Puzzle and escape room players

• Museum visitors

• Writers who can’t spell • Are street folk-opera-practitioners better off vaping or smoking to avoid bladder, cervix, esophagus, kidney, larynx, lung, mouth, pancreas,

stomach, throat cancers, some forms of leukemia, heart attack, stroke, and emphysema?

• What?

• Why?

• Wise guy

• Bigot!

• What should a busker do when Happy Hour is about to end and stress is pushing your blood pressure off the charts. (You cannot play any louder or faster and retain your urbanely pathetic demeanor. You are horrifically aware that stress alters DNA, and speeds aging.)

• Think you’re in Nirvana and don’t need health or happiness

• Avoid befouling the foot path

• Beg harder

• Pretend you can cope with reality

• Go to Happy Hour • You haven’t been getting seven hours of sleep and have set up near Thai food, house plant, and nut vendors at the Old Monterey Farmers Market. You are wary of sleeping there on the street for fear of being tossed into a garbage truck and losing you instruments. (You know that lack of sleep means a higher risk of hypertension, heart disease, obesity, diabetes, depression, and losing vital hormones that repair cells and tissues to fight sickness and infection and support your body’s natural healing processes.)

• Sleep while you perform and let your common unconscious take over

• Dream you are not awake

• Play your heart out

• Succumb • It’s a freak day and the sun is shining in Monterey. Still, it’s near freezing. Do you opt for the sunny side of the street despite your tribe’s proclivity for melanoma? (You are sunglassless and hatless.)

• Hypothermia is the most imminent threat. Face full sun.

• Apply a palmful of SPF 15 or greater on your entire body

• Reapply the SPF every two hours while in direct sunlight

• Don’t swim or sweat

• Donate your body to science

• Five five-year-olds are banging on toy marimbas, maracas, wash boards, whirly-gigs, toy guitars, and drums. You realize you are due for an annual routine cancer screen for breast, cervical, and colorectal cancers.

• Tell the kids they can keep the instruments

• Take MST to a Doc in the Box

• Make a perfect act of contrition

• Say goodbye to your chance at a long, healthy life.

• You are singing an Irish-rebel-song and notice the lyrics indicate the hero/martyr is about to give up the ghost. Empathy causes severe stress and depression. You have a panic-attack when you realize that stress and depression can have negative effects on your hippocampus, which is crucial to your memory retention, mental and emotional health, cognitive decline, and dementia.

• Do a kids song

• Forget about it

• Go for a beer

• Enjoy the wonderful people all around you Next month, we promise this month’s answer key and best diets to enjoy the benefits of health and longevity despite alcohol abuse and a deteriorating environment.

foolish

THOUGHT Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.

Feburary 2020 // 11

- All Three of You

// Roger Freed Most sports enthusiasts are under the mistaken impression that the fine art of snowboarding is a recent development. Of course, most people who believe snowboarding is a fine art in the first place are snowboarders themselves who have suffered brain injuries due to not wearing a helmet.

We at the Snowboarding Historical Research Institute wish to correct that falsified thinking and present to you our Concise History of Snowboarding Timeline. We have kept the Timeline short due to our having short term memory and also because we do most of our thinking while high on pot and we cannot remember afterwards what brilliant realizations we came to afterwards. We cannot remember afterwards what brilliant realizations we came to afterwards- oh, wow! Deja Vu! 3,238 B.C.- The first recorded snowboarder was Og, who, shearing the smooth bark off a birch tree in the upper levels of the Aladaglar Mountains in what is present day Turkey, had a dim thought come into his mind that he could attach the frozen bark to his feet and ride down to his lair a few hundred feet lower. Og’s attempt was successful, except that he karmatically plowed into the same tree that he had gotten the bark from becoming the first fatality from snowboarding and successfully halting any further development of the sport for another 2,475 years.

762 B.C.- Norwegian Vikings develop the art of moving across their frozen landscape on wooden apparatuses that were the forerunners to ski’s.

Younger Vikings, wanting to break tradition and tick off their parent sat the same time , invent a similar skill using a apparatus mounted to both feet instead of individual feet. The sports dies quickly as they are all kicked out of the house and told to “Get a job”.

579 A.D.- Kahanua Loboshea, champion surfer of the Hawaiian Island of Maui, gets the radical idea to try using his surfboard to come down the sacred mountain Haleakala which is always bedecked by snow. Unfortunately Kahanua wore his typical scanty Hawaiian beach gear to the top of the mountain and was frozen solid before he got halfway down. Found 137 years later, he none the less becomes a part of the islands many legends, albeit a dumb one.

1965 A.D.- Sherman Poppin binds two skis together and adds a rope to the front to control

it for his daughter and calls it ‘The Snurfer’. His daughter is still undergoing therapy for the trauma to this day.

1969 A.D.- Dimitrije Milovich gets the idea for making one of the first real snowboards from sliding down cafeteria trays in college. For this exploit he became the first (and not the last) snowboarder kicked out of school.

1977 A.D.- Jake Burton becomes the first major clothing outfitter for snowboarders when his mother accidentally spills mixed dyes into his winter pants and jacket laundry. This begins his big success in the “hippie enough to be cool, but not hippie enough to be nonmaterialistic” snowboarder cult. Unfortunately, the same day his mother also mistakes his snowboard for an ironing board thus ruining it, but at the same time kicking off the hot wax craze.

An interesting side note is that Burton’s parents almost killed off his big industry early when they kicked him out of the house for being a ‘snow bum slacker’ who would never amount to anything.

Fortunately, Burton was able to crash with some of his buddies who supported his ideas and were able to borrow money from their relatives to buy his first creations.

His Winterstick in 1980 sets the trend for all future snowboards. The fact that one has to crouch like a Neanderthal to use it ends up attracting a lot of future snowboarders who are not sure of their place on the human evolutionary scale and find the knuckle dragging aspect of it appealing.

1982 A.D. - The first snowboarders, after much misgiving, are allowed to ski down the famed A-Basin resort.

They manage to snow plow all the snow off the mountain down to the soil level. The angered ski crowd almost catch and lynch them, but the two successfully get away by setting another record of

The sport of snowboarding is now overshadowed by a new snow sport called Dogging.”

being the first (and not the last) snowboarders to go out of bounds on a slope. They are believed to be hiding out in Bolivia.

1991 A.D.- Johnny Malachite, carrying his snowboard horizontally across his shoulders as he gets off the lift on Copper Mountain, Colorado becomes the first (and not the last) snowboarder to be picked up by a strong mountain gust and pin wheeled off the mountain like a helicopter. Ski patrollers to this day are still looking for his body believed to be somewhere between Denver and Sacramento.

1993 A.D. - The craze of wearing your pants low ‘gangster style’ catches on with snowboarders. The number of ski patrollers treating leg fractures go up simultaneously as do humorous snowboarding videos with snowboarders pants at half-mast on YouTube.

2016 A.D.- The popularity of snowboarding begins to decline as older people (ie.- those over 24) make up more and more of the demographic.

The rebel appeal of the sport is badly diluted by 60 and 70 year olds ‘getting gnarly’ on the slope.

2020 A.D.- The sport of snowboarding is now overshadowed by a new snow sport called ‘Dogging’ in which participants go downhill on all fours with a short, ski like device attached to their shins and forearms. The sport is wildly popular with the young crowd and also with hospitals that see a dramatic increase in their bed occupancy as the sport catches on. Not surprisingly face plants are the most common form of injury.

2021 A.D. - A new fad infests the dying art of snowboarding- downhillers determine it’s cool to wear a suit and tie while boarding. The death knell for the underground image of the sport has sounded.

12 \\ Foolish Times

UBERMAN // Robyn Justo

Once upon a time, I dated an ufologist. Read it again. Not a doctor who doesn’t hold his own, but a guy who watches the skies.

It didn’t end well, but then again do things ever really end at all? Relationships morph into other things most of the time and I’m happy to say that most of mine end with the participants being good friends. But not this one.

It had been eight years since I had heard from the sky guy, but three days after my little feet touched down on Maui a shocking and very unexpected message popped up like an ET in a desert crash.

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL.” Maui is a broadcasting station and my electromagnetic signal must be strong out here, reaching out to the darkest corners of the Universe and rebounding back to all the boys I loved before. My own Ex-Files were replaying like an old movie.

I guess he had been cyberstalking me over the years through my very transparent and selfdeprecating articles. I have no secrets (and we are NOT alone!)

We were the Scully and Mulder back in the day, with me investigating and reporting on crop circles and him being on all of the paranormal talk shows.

He was a chick magnet for sure, often to my dismay but I held my own.

After perusing my writings, he knew about my travels, my moves, my health issues, my fear of parking lots and more. Funny that I don’t care if strangers know all about me but sometimes when someone I don’t really want to know that much ends up Googling me, it can be a bit disconcerting.

He wanted to talk. I don’t hold grudges so I said yes and then I found out everything he had been up to in the past eight years.

He is older now and perhaps a bit wiser. He drives for Uber now so he has the freedom to go anywhere at anytime, although he has given up the UFO thing. He went from UFOs to Uber, but at least he stayed in the U-category (easier to file.)

Plus in the interest of privacy, my name for him is now Uberman.

Uberman would be a great Seinfeld character.

Uberman’s ex-girlfriend (me) just moved from Carefree, Arizona which happens to be Uberman’s

current squeeze’s (or soon to be ex’s) favorite place on planet Earth. Go figure. My life of odd and neuronic connections. Read it again, not neurotic, neuronic as in pathways in the brain that light up that infinite inner sky. The second favorite place of Uberman’s partner is Maui. Hmmm. Interesting?

Uberman sometimes drives in circles on the road and one can understand why.

I was quite clear with Uberman recently. If it was a question of getting laid, I was probably not his egg. The closest I could get to it was hanging one around his neck if he visited Maui (sp: lei.) I know that is not his priority anyway, but just in case, just sayin’. Plus I live in a no-spouse tiny house.

I have no problem talking Uberman through a nasty storm, checking online and giving him weather updates along with my superpower zaps to get him home safely. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I’m now his PockET pal on the road. And at his request, I twitched my nose to help him manifest a Sugar Pop for his current partner. I mean, what ex-girlfriend helps her ex-boyfriend’s soon to be ex-girlfriend find her next boyfriend?

THIS girl!

I was going through the checkout line at the grocery store the other day and was buying a very expensive Christmas card for another ex.

He went from UFOs to Uber, but at least he stayed in the U-category.”

The checker noticed and made a comment.

“It is for my ex-boyfriend,” I said proudly.

“WHAT????” he exclaimed, as the bagger joined in his disbelief. They wanted to know more.

I replied, “You know, if you loved them then why not at least like them a lot now, Brah.” I smiled and they both did too and said, “Yeah, that is the way that it SHOULD be!”

UFO, Uber, all around the Universe and back to me.

It might take years, but it’s all in the game.

Feburary 2020 // 13

WISE WOMAN

continued...

// Jann Gargiulo When I was six years old and asked my mom if I could marry daddy when I grew up she said that I really wanted to marry someone LIKE daddy. I was so confused.

Then she told me what every kid hates to hear, “you will understand when you get older”.​ How old is this “older” everyone talks about to young people? In the spring of 1979 I was “old” enough to find out about one of them!​ A relationship with God has been my life for a very long time. So I am not afraid to do the things I believe He wants me to do. My reason for going to Detroit was to see my close girlfriends and pray together for guidance. I needed to hear various points of view before making a serious decision. Divorce?

Finally, I turned the situation over to God and ended my prayer with words something like these...”and God I have had it with trying to find someone who can take care of us. No more dating, no more men! You will be the One to care for us, and we will trust You only.” I finished praying and my girlfriend dropped me off at the bus terminal in Detroit on her way to work.​ I felt so happy, and peaceful. I sat on a bench but couldn’t sit still so I got up and called a friend to say goodby. While I’m on the phone these two guys come in to the terminal. God taps me on the shoulder and says, “That’s the guy you are going to marry; he’s like your dad!” ​ Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t actually feel a touch on my shoulder, it’s just an expression. It’s like inside my soul I just knew what was about to happen!​ Now I am not used to telling God “no”, but this time I did! “Oh no You don’t God, you have to give me more time

than this. Look at him, no way he is anything like my dad!” I ended with, “I don’t want to marry that guy! Look at him; he doesn’t even know how to dress! No, please no!”​ He sat down with his friend. He sat exactly where I had been sitting! I watched his reflection in the large glass window where I was on the phone. The call had ended, but I was acting like I was still talking to someone.

The only time he took his eyes off of me was when I turned around. He didn’t know I was watching him. The more I watched him, the more I liked him.

“Okay God, but please protect me; this could be dangerous!”​ Almost immediately after I had given in, the announcer called for all passengers for Cleveland, and NYC. I saw him get up and walk towards that bus. Wow, was I ever grateful! I waited a while before boarding. I wasn’t afraid I wouldn’t get a seat; I could always sit on his lap...I just knew he wouldn’t mind!​ When I finally did sit down it was across the aisle from him. I waited for him to talk to me, but he never did. So, I did! I was cold so I asked him if he thought it was cold in the bus. He responded, “No.” So, I held out my hand next to his and said feel how cold I am.

Well I held his hand just the few seconds passed the point when it’s proper. Hey, If I waited for him we’d still be on that bus! So, that’s where it all started!​ I was finally old enough to understand.

This April it will be fourth one years since that happened! We have been together ever since that day. We were married August 8, 1981. ​ And my daddy? Well, my dad (and mom) loved him so much. They both told me that they weren’t afraid to leave this earth because they knew that Ted would always take care of me. That is how my husband is like my dad.

He has the same morals, the same ethics, and he loves me too!​ morning So mom, guess you were right...I did want to marry someone LIKE my dad, and I did! But, why did he have to be so cheap...I mean frugal.​

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t actually feel a touch on my shoulder, it’s just an expression.”

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday

LOCAL GUYS ON

LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

1 Hour

14 \\ Foolish Times

SHAGBAG

Not Just a Pretty Container to Carry you Golf Balls We chat with David Marzetti, Award-winning radio host on Shagbag FT: Congrats on being honored by the NCPGA for best in broadcast. It’s a great accomplishment for you and your weekly show, Shagbag. How many years have you been doing the show?

DM: It will be eighteen years this April.

FT: Where did the idea to name your show Shagbag come from?

DM: The name was actually taken from a golf column that writer John Hallisey did for the Monterey Herald years back. Neil Allen, the head pro at Del Monte suggested we use it.

FT: Shagbag is rapidly approaching the 1000th show. Any special plans?

DM: Show 1000 will be in June of 2021. No plans at this time but April 2022 will be a big on air party for the 20th year.

FT: How did you break into radio?

DM: I was doing the morning announcements on the high school PA each morning and was listening to George Carlin’s AM/FM album a lot and kind of mimicked him. All the kids thought I was funny and that I sounded like a DJ. After graduation I attended WIXY Broadcast School in Cleveland and started my radio career.

I got on my first station in 1976. 2020 is my 44th year in radio.

FT: AT&T is coming this month. How many years have you been broadcasting at the event?

DM: This is my 29th year and I love it! We do our shows from the Lone Cypress Shop next to the putting green.

FT: Surely after all those years you’ve made a lot of friends.

DM: After being out there so long, you get to know certain guys and they remember you. I’ve become close friends with comedian Tom Dreesen. He was Frank Sinatra’s opening act for thirteen years. Talk about some great stories! He’s always on several of my shows at the Pro Am. We hang out and have dinner in Carmel with Rich Pepe. Each year, actor Andy Garcia and I always get together and share a cigar or two. Of course I look forward each year to seeing my friend Jim Nantz. Jim does the special introduction to the Shagbag Radio Show that we play back to start the show. It’s great to be able to go up in the tower behind the 18th hole with him for a birds-eye view.

FT: What are some of your most memorable experiences?

DM: I have been fortunate to see quite a few cool things while out there over the years. Like in 2000.

Tiger was making a late charge and I just had to go out and watch him. So I left the broadcast booth and ran out to the fifteenth hole. I

got there just in time to see him hit his second shot from ninety-seven yards to hole it out for eagle.

He ended up winning that tournament after being down seven strokes with seven holes to play.

Witnessing something like that is a very special experience.

FT: You’re a golfer. What’s your handicap?

DM: I usually stay between ten and twelve. I just don’t have the time to play much. Usually once or twice a month. Just enough to stay bad.

FT: Engagement Director at Monterey County Conversion and Visitors Bureau, emcee for events, a round of golf when you can fit it in and Shagbag every Saturday morning. How do you keep up?

DM: I like it. It’s all interwoven. It’s not that I’m doing something totally different with each thing I do. It’s all related. Shagbag, MCVCB, the singing, the emcee jobs, playing golf. They all have to do with entertainment in one way or another. They are all in that “lifestyle” category. Almost everyone I know is from that walk of life. The “enjoying life” category.

FT: When you finally retire and make that long walk up the fairway to the eighteenth hole, who will carry Shagbag in the future?

DM: I have to walk? Can’t I at least get a cart?

Seriously though, when that time comes, which hopefully isn’t too soon, I am sure the show will just fade away. Like when you’re on the road listening to a radio station in the car and the signal dips a bit more and more until it just fades out.

Shagbag is broadcast from Del Monte Golf Course. Tune in to hear David and his special guests from 9-10am every Saturday on 1460am or 101.1fm.

Feburary 2020 // 15

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16 \\ Foolish Times

50,000wrong!

Readers can’t

PRESENTS

be

Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers

Saturday, February 8th • 2:00- 5:00PM Church of the Good Shepherd 301 Corral De Tierra Rd, Salinas • Beer & Wine Tasting • Great Food • Silent Auction • Music by The Fabulous Sand Dabs

Tickets: $50 Order tickets online: https://CCQLP.eventbrite.com

Limited number of tickets also available at the door

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Feburary 2020 // 17

COMMUNITY

SHOUT OUT You are invited!

On February 8, the folks at Central Coast Quality of Life Programs (CCQLP) will roll out their fourth annual Beer, Wine and Valentine fundraising event. They are excited to host this event at the Church of the Good Shepherd at 301 Corral De Tierra Road in Salinas. Participants will enjoy music by the Fabulous Sand Dabs, great food, beer and wine tasting and a silent auction.

CCQLP is a non-profit social service organization that serves primarily low and moderate-income families living with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and Parkinson’s Disease (PD) in the Central Coast area of Monterey, Santa Cruz and San Benito counties. CCQLP recognizes that both illnesses can have a devastating impact on an individual’s physical, mental, and social

functioning. CCQLP is the only non-profit organization providing specialized MS and PD programs in the Central Coast, all at no cost to those in need.

What is the purpose of the event? To have fun of course, but also to raise funds in support of their much needed programs. It’s also a great way to come together and spread awareness about the prevalence of MS and PD in our community.

We hope you will join in on the festivities and be part of something that helps our community.

Tickets are available online at https://CCQLP. eventbrite.com or can be purchased at the event. www.ccqlp.org 831-333-9091

Kudos and a big “ThankYou” to Patricia Triumpho Sullivan and her staff at DownTown Book & Sound for making it all happen!

And CONGRATULATIONS to GODZELDA prizewinners:

IX! P E V I S U L EXC

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Michael Bolinger, Debbie Byler, Sara Jen, John Ow and Chris Ponce!

HE LL ON M IR TH !

O U N D 's OOK and S B N W O T DOWN G IV E A W A Y !

When I see

Monster

Left to right: Foolish Times’ publisher Steve Prodes, Godzelda Guy Dana B. Larrabee with DownTown Book and Sound’s Patricia Triumpho Sullivan...

ads on TV featuring smiley housewives Market Com ics fan John Ow of Star aphed is delight ed with his autogr poste “Godzelda Destroys Salinas” of allr won he folio the and hed “Godz elda” episo des publis s. to date in the Fool ish Time

using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds

Publ isher Steve Prodes reassu res former Salina s Mayor city Dennis Donah ue (right) the surviv es Dana B. Larrab ee’s G O D Z E L DA !

Mill ion Dolla r Ticke t’s Robe rt McNa mara and vocal ist Chris Hart perfo rmed the eveni ng’s lively sound track.

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they’re clearly on. Patricia Triumpho Sullivan hands out Larrabee’s freebie Cap’n Crudd/Godz elda Comic’Zines and encourges attendees to sign up to win Godzelda T-shirts and autographed folios Destroys Salinas” episodes from of “Godz elda 2019.

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18 \\ Foolish Times

POORLY PARTNERING

A wife returns home very late.

“Where have you been”, asks her husband?

“With a friend. But don’t worry, there were no men.”

One day later the husband returns back home late.

“Don’t worry; I was also was with a friend. And there were no men either.”

I want to meet a girl who loves romantic walks because I don’t have a car or any money.

What do women and bacon have in common?

They both look, smell and taste amazing but both slowly kill you.

My girlfriend told me today that I was one in a million. After peeking through her text messages, she was right.

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date.Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no, on both occasions.

My husband died recently. He lost a lot of blood and nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

My new insurance company asked me if I had any accidents in the last 3 years that were not my fault.

I said, “Yes, she’s nearly three now.”

After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.

Last night my wife asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a coloring book and some crayons.

I went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home.

It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text. I think she must be homeless.

I Just recently ended a five year relationship. It’s OK though, it wasn’t my relationship.

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”.

I Just opened the fridge and its working fine.

means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

I avoid relationships because it’s too exhausting to crop all those photos when things don’t work out.

Most of my relationships could be described as, enemies with benefits.

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That

My wife told me today the spark between us had gone.

So I tasered her.

Why don’t women fart?

Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent. Wedding cake.

Can’t believe how long my wife and kids spend on eBay. It’s been weeks and still nobody has made a bid for them.

I require three things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

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Feburary 2020 // 19

PRESCRIPTIONS ‘R’ US I had to franchise because I’m not licensed in every State. But having developed the proprietary algorithm, I’ve been able to retain a portion of every dollar earned by any of my subsidiaries.

And the speed and the breadth of demand for prescriptions continue to amaze–and enrich-me.

My new career began the moment a very important governmental official selected me to administer his physical exam. He handed me a list of my results as soon as the introduction was completed. In fact, he didn’t actually put the paper in my hand: he handed it to his bodyguard, a huge, smiling, but quietly menacing man, who, wordless, gave it to me.

“This is what you’ll find.

What you’ll report. So, start writing, Doctor.”

I looked at the reportedly excessively wealthy man, who smiled coldly and nodded toward the paper. Reading it, I knew immediately that he was shorter and heavier than the numbers on the page. And I guessed that the other figures were, shall we say, estimations, numbers and terms that my experience told me were almost certainly wrong.

“You want me to-” “To fill out your report.”

“Using this?”

“Yes. That and only that. I’ll sit here and wait while you write. Or type. Either’s fine, so long as you put your identifying stamp at the conclusion.”

He knew what he needed.

He moved his head forward and back, quickly, while his bodyguard opened a briefcase and put a large pile of high-denomination bills on the corner of my desk, he, too, gesturing with a quick head bob.

So much of medicine, so much of life itself, is subjective. And what’s true -or false- at one moment, can be the opposite a moment later. A seemingly fit man shovels snow or plays basketball on a Saturday, and is dead the next minute. A tumor can mysteriously, miraculously, vanish.

I handed the finished report to the bodyguard, who

smiled and put it in the briefcase. The politician shook hands with me, pulling my hand toward him with surprising strength.

And so my business, my career, in relative prescriptions began.

A wealthy lady, whose husband was an associate of my first client, wanted her children excused from vaccinations, she having heard the discredited but omnipresent rumor of a relationship with autism. “Religious” and “personal” reasons were no longer sufficient; but medical exemptions were allowed.

Out came the sheet, on went my signature and stamp, and the pile of money dropped from her hand onto my desk.

Anti-vaccination “prescriptions” were the first major source of the cash payments.

Other types followed.

My clientele and my prescriptions amazed me.

After my first one saying that the tension accompanying public speaking meant that a student should not have to make an oral presentation despite that being part of the course curriculum got the student exempted, more requests and piles of money crossed my desk in one direction, my prescriptions in the other.

Then I diagnosed sufficient “stress” and “tension” and “emotional distress” giving the result that individuals did not have to take tests, attend classes because of their discomfort in crowds, or submit original papers, but they’d still be given passing marks.

What did it really matter, I asked myself. I recalled that many of the “breadth requirements” I’d been required to take were worthless to me, seeming more to be a way to keep faculty members from minor disciplines employed.

Another particularly popular category was prescriptions saying that the patient required having an emotional support animal.”

Depending upon what people were going to end up doing, advanced math or English or foreign language or science classes were worse than irrelevant: let people study what they would apply in their real-life work.

Another particularly popular category was prescriptions saying that the patient required having an emotional support animal. After a few extreme requests, I made the rule that the creature must not be potentially lethal and should not weigh more than half the weight of the patient.

When I began getting requests by phone, mail, and the Internet, from people in other States, I contacted doctors I knew there. Some were long retired but still licensed. Some were specializing in minute and underfunded areas of science. But all were willing to earn a few dollars in unrecorded cash, via a few minutes of typing. And so began Prescriptions ‘R’ Us. Desired or requisite heights and weights are “attained” following “examinations” by my employees, based upon the requirements submitted by the patients/customers.

Everything is relative, everything is subjective, and everyone should be happy. If the people aren’t really qualified, if my “alternative facts” have put them in situations they can’t handle, reality will cull them… eventually… unless further good performance reports are purchased.

I know that I am happy, alternating between my homes in wherever the weather is best at the moment. And so are my franchisees. Doing well by doing good; or is it the other way around?

And I don’t have to be around sick people anymore.

20 \\ Foolish Times

A blonde on vacation in Carmel finishes her round of golf and heads to the clubhouse.

The attendant asked, “Did you have a good time out there?”

The blonde replied “Fabulous, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said the attendant. “How did you find the greens?”

“Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”

A blonde Seaside policewoman stops a driver and asks for his license. She says, “Sir, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”

The driver answered, “Well, I have contacts.”

The policewoman replied, “I don’t care who you know. You’re getting a ticket.”

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?

A foursome.

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

A blonde golfer asked her caddy if he noticed any improvement today.

His replied, “Yes, ma’am. You’ve had your hair done.”

A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit Sovino’s Wine Bar with the question, “If she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?”

She thought and thought, then finally answered, “Is it on or off?”

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that she thought Meow Mix was a mixed tape for cats.

A blonde was swimming illegally in the Carmel River when a man approached her and asked, “What are you doing here?’

The blonde replied, “I’m washing my clothes. Is there a problem?”

The man said, “Why don’t you try a washing machine?

The blonde replied, “I get dizzy in the washing machine.”

Why did the blonde put her iPad Pro in a blender?

Because she wanted to make apple juice.

Two blondes were paired together in the Crazy Horse Country Club golf tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?”

“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer. I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones.”

What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium in Mexico City?

She drowned in the Mexican wave.

A blonde walks into the Monterey Library, approaches the counter and slams a book down and screams at the librarian, “This is the worst book I’ve ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!”

The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, “So, you’re the one who took our phone book.”

The same blond later walked up to the librarian and said, “I would like a cheeseburger.”

The librarian scowled and replied “Shh! This is a library.”

The blonde blushed and said “Oh, sorry”, then whispered, “I would like a cheeseburger.”

Feburary 2020 // 21

Betty Davis Eyes // Charles Birimisa There is the super cafe in Watsonville called the Second Street. I go there from time to time and I am able to write there. One Saturday a tune by the title of “Bette Davis Eyes” came over the sound system. With instantaneous abandon a physiological change came over my person.

Moisture developed in the area below the forehead that is responsible for seeing. I recalled that the subject of the above number once was close to the cafe I was sitting in. I had researched it. It went like this: “Stopping here for refreshments at the Resetar Buffet Sunday afternoon, Miss Bette Davis, and her husband paid Watsonville a call en route to Hollywood from San Francisco. The Hollywood couple remained for half an hour then drove away in an automobile of foreign make.”

(Evening Pajaronian, (October 13, 1936) Gosh, that was eighty years ago. Anyway I primarily recall Bette Davis, the actress, for one film only - Burnt Offerings, where she played the mother of Oliver Reed, a husband who moved his wife and son into a haunted house. With regards to the song, I was

never able to figure what was so special about Bette Davis’s eyes, other than they may be seen as larger than normal ones. In the film Bette Davis was old and her acting added to the suspense of it all of which I will not give away.

In the spring and summer of 1981 the song with Bette Davis name as part of its title was all over the radio. I had just watched my friend Bobby’s graduation at the fairgrounds. There I met up with Bobby’s cousin Martin, who was also a friend, and I accompanied him on an errand he had to do in San Jose. In those days, it was a rare to go “over the hill,” and I jumped at the opportunity.

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with playing cards, and drinking glasses on it. The two men had been playing cards. We all exchanged pleasantries in Croatian. Martin then introduced me to both men. Pete countenance changed as my name absorbed into his consciousness. “I knew your father. Roko (Roy)” Pete was with him and other merchant marines in Guatemala. He then relayed a story of how someone fell into a body of water there and several of them - including Roko, jumped in and got him out. Sitting there I was caught by surprise by this revelation. My mother married my father many years after this and she never told me about it or didn’t know. And Roko passed away when I was only 6 so I missed out on getting the story from him.

What I have long regretted is that I did not ask Pete for more details in regards to the story. But in those days, zits and shyness reigned supreme and I just sat there speechless. Now I wish I knew where in Guatemala the story took place. When? With who else? But I didn’t ask the questions. Soon the subject of Roko faded into conversation of other things. Not long after I bade Pete goodbye and never saw him again and losing any chance to ask those questions about my father.

As Martin and I drove back to Watsonville a song about a domineering woman that takes charge came on the radio. What I have realized all these years later it is not the subject of the lyrics that moves me so, but the music. “She’ll tease you. She’ll unease you. All the better just to please you. She’s precocious. And she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush. All the boys think she’s a spy. She’s got Bette Davis eyes.”

I was never able to figure what was so special about Bette Davis’s eyes, other than they may be seen as larger than normal ones.”

On the way “Bette Davis Eye’s” played on the car radio.

Martin was to meet an old timer friend who was visiting San Jose and staying at a motel.

At the motel there was an additional old timer - Pete (the only name I can remember) who was also visiting San Jose. Inside the motel room there was a table

22 \\ Foolish Times

DILLIGS?! // Mary Tompsett

© 2020

Big Foot and Love Talk Years ago I saved an old dining room set from going to the slaughterhouse, took it to obedience classes and gave it a good home.

Since then it has sucked up pet hair like a black hole and layered it onto the fabric seat cushions in the shape of drunken poodles.

Even the felt pads on the tips of all 20 wooden legs drew mounds of hair that looked like the feathered hooves of Clydesdales lounging underneath. So last week I said bye-bye to the unkempt beast, and golly gee, now there’s a bald spot in my heart. It’s just so damn hard to lose a pet, isn’t it?

But my new sleek vinyl and metal dinette set will never need exfoliation, which is great because over

the years, my Big Foot family cost me a fortune in home body waxing kits. And I’m happy to say, my pets’ hair now freely roams through the house in kneehigh tumbleweeds, fueling my enduring childhood fantasies of riding the range on a pinto, Bean. Yes. Commas do matter. But thanks for showing up here at DILLIGS (Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!) where half-baked advice has a home, and maturity is optional.

I’m happy to say, my pets’ hair now freely roams through the house in knee-high tumbleweeds.”

QUESTION: Out of the blue I got a $1200 check from some Mutual Fund people, but can’t make heads or tails out of the letter. Any ideas?

DILLIGS: Good grief, take the money! I too received such a check, and after the yahoos deducted $1.27 for taxes, I netted a solid $11.44.

It arrived with a lengthy letter written in the microscopic font usually reserved for prescription directions and warnings. But I decoded some phrases: “Whereas… SEC investigation… pursuant to an Order… respondents to pay $18 million to shareholders… for misstatements... improper use of fund assets… whereupon you were identified… hereby recompensed….” Now there’s a sure cure for insomnia. May I translate? “Oops! We screwed lots of people. Got caught. Returning your share.

Go wild.”

So, in honor of Valentine’s Day and the ooeygooey sentiments around it, I’ve rewritten the formal letter using the torrid love language commonly found in the Romance genre. Buckle up, here we go.

“The Securities and Exchange Commission, endowed with magnificent manhood, turned its smoldering gaze upon the managerial busoms heaving with greed and base desires. With a brazen yet velvet touch, the darkly powerful SEC laid bare a treasure trove of forbidden financial debauchery.

Passion and persistence rode a rising crescendo of throbbing, pulsating, writhing bodies of evidence. ’Twas a slippery orgy of carnal adjectives. Having tasted the dizzying ecstasy of investigative pleasures, the Order unleashed a hot, melty torrent of justice to satisfy the shareholders.

That’s you, my sweet.

“Financial scalawags, we were— unbound by vows or commitments, and scheming wild in the night. But who among us is not flawed? Let him who is without sin cast the first lawsuit. Still, we embrace the deliciously firm trust so freely given by thousands of innocents such as yourself. No hard feelings, you’ve been great. But it’s time to move on. So...got a cigarette? Thanks, babe.

If I’m not here in the morning, look for $11.44 on the dresser.”

Feburary 2020 // 23

Sweeping Under the Rugs // Gilly Spangler It was sturdy. It had charm, a white Wedgewood and a big yard. Little alcoves for telephones.

Original cabinets, real walls, and after asking the realtor to check, original hardwood floors. After months of enduring the thirty year old worn down wall to wall carpet, burnt orange with flecks of brown, no less, you both went to town, pulling it up. It took forever.

Get the staple pull out things. Find the piles of staple things. Get a cup for the staple things.

Lug the half folded pieces outside. Carry out falling apart pieces of padding. Cough. Stop for a beer. Look for the staple thing pliers. Have another beer. Lose that beer. It was sweaty work getting to our original hardwood floors that first summer.

We listened to music, laughed together from different rooms.

Communicating with your husband was a breeze.

You loved that. Misunderstandings, if they happened, were more about who left the coffee pot on. But communicating ideas, our deepest feelings, in words wasn’t a problem.

So finally, the floors are revealed. Oh. You’ve got to be kidding. A little worn for the wear? Kind of vintage?? No, these floors were a nightmare, raw in places with huge gauges. Maybe finished only when the house was built 49 years ago. So, yeah. You go to the rug store. They try to talk you into wall to walling it again and you head straight for those fancy psuedo-persian-rugsonhangers. You find a good one, it’s green and has a pretty cool pattern. The fringe will get filthy, but hey, it’s not 70s orange shag with flecks of brown. It’ll help hide the old roller rink you have in the living room. You roll it up and shove it into the minivan.

So you get it home. Uh, nope, way too small. It actually makes the room look even worse. So you go back. Get another that may or may not actually go with the first. Get home and lay it out.

Watch him watch you excitedly walk around on the rugs, dance on the rugs, try different shoes on for the rug, acting like you’re on The Price is Right, showing The Rugs Up For Bid. It was

late, he had to get into bed. You folded all the laundry sitting on the reddish one.

So a couple of days later, he calls from work.

“What’re you doing?”

“Sweeping. Under the rugs.”

“You’re what ?”

“Sweeping under the rugs.”

“Why??”

“I don’t know, I just like to for some reason.”

“How often do you do it?”

“Just like once a week maybe, maybe twice. What’s up? It’s no big deal.” (I’m feeling a bit embarrassed now, I mean it’s not like the girls are going to lift them up and lick the floor or anything…)

“How do you do it ?”

“Well, I just lift up the corner and get underneath!”

“What about the baby?

Where is she??”

“No worries, I only do it when she’s napping.”

“How often do you do it again?

“Depends...at least once a week though.”

“Isn’t it a little hot for that ?”

“It isn’t that much warmer here...Ok, so I sweep under the rugs. I’m a nut. Whatever...” (I’m picturing him in his lab coat, right foot pointed outward, pushing his hair back. Crossing his available arm. Confused looks to the lab partner.

Checking his pens, befuddled...)

“How long do you usually stay there??”

“Stay? Not long, it’s just under all four sides, quick.

Lift with one arm, and get underneath.”

(I’m looking at the

The fringe will get filthy, but hey, it’s not 70s orange shag with flecks of brown. It’ll help hide the old roller rink you have in the living room.”

broom, thinking what? Should I tell him about the dustpan?)

Then it hits me. No. No way. No. Way. This is too funny for words, I can’t stop laughing.

“Did you think I said I was sleeping under the rugs??”

“Yeah,” he guffaws, “I was going to ask if we could do it together this Saturday.”

I crack up every damn time I sweep under the rugs. And no, I still haven’t tried sleeping there.

24 \\ Foolish Times

LICENSE TO ILL // Jay Russell Did anyone else notice Big Tobacco’s treachery this New Year?

I entered a 7/11 the other day to buy my old man a pack, while minor-league resolved to not get myself one. To my surprise, the prices on cigarettes seemed lower by fifty cents to a buck. Discount cigarettes, just what I needed to quit. Touché American Spirits, well played. Does this differ from a gym running extra promotions to start the New Year?

Who’s to say, screw the gym too.

If you could smoke cigs at the gym, maybe I’d join and wouldn’t need to quit smoking.

So, it’s day four and clean exhalation seems to have caught on! I must share my secret to knocking the gross habit. Get sick!

I came down with a brutal cough and it really became tough just to breath, let alone smoke. So instead of continuing to painfully suck down a couple of cigs a day while ill, I decided to put in minimal effort and start the transition

TheRaverTip.com then. Highly recommended. Just get real ill, whatever you must do.

Stop drinking water, only eat Sour Patch Kids, go to sleep with wet hair, or go out on a winter night in just a mini skirt and tank top.

How easy is it to get sick when you try to? It may surprise you, our mothers constantly warned us of catching a cold, so we always feared it. You may be hard pressed to develop a life changing cough like mine, you may have to stay awake for four straight days or work in a coal mine for months without a mask. It may seem foolish, but becoming ill really works. Keep your head up if you remain horse healthy and not hoarse, you’ll get there.

Even though the dreaded first days have passed, I must caution myself to hold the parade because the big challenge looms on the horizon. Partying. After a couple of drinks, seeing my smoking buddies will twist the rebar holding up my commitment. The bedrock of my resolution could easily turn to quicksand. What life hacks do I recommend for the loosening of resolve that comes with social adventure? Duct taping your hands? Wearing a mask with no mouth hole? Viewing scare photos of lung cancer? Not sure. Possibly, I embrace the joy of missing out and could just call in sick.

It may surprise you, our mothers constantly warned us of catching a cold, so we always feared it.”

foolish

THOUGHT I went on a once in a lifetime vacation.

Never again.

1) If someone has something between their teeth, would you tell them?

2) Which Disney princess is your favorite?

3) If you won the lottery, how would you spend your money?

Bob #1 1) That’s funny. I would never tell. I would definitely take a picture and post it for the world to see.

2) Belle from Beauty and the Beast. She is a fixer and has a kind heart that helped rescue the prince from an evil spell. I’m waiting to meet my Belle. Maybe I should have something stuck between my teeth.

3) I would see a professional sporting event in every stadium in the country.

Robert 1) That’s so evil. Of course I would tell the person. I hate looking at someone who has no clue how they look in public.

2) I like Pocahontas. She reminded me of my wife. Her family didn’t like me but they never tried to kill me either. Now we all get along.

3) The lottery is a huge waste of time. But if I did play and win, I would travel to places where my wife could spend all her time relaxing on the beach is a bathing suit with a cold drink in her hand.

That way, she will spend less time shopping for things she doesn’t need.

Roberta 1) I think that’s disgusting. Using a toothpick in public also send shivers down my spine.

2) Cinderella has always been my favorite. I can relate to her being pretty and her sisters blaming her for everything. The difference is I wear shoes that don’t fall off.

3) O my. That’s a good question. By the time I would figure out what to do with all that money, I would be so old and would have to spend it on better health care.

Bob #2 1) My friends mess with me all the time. No, I wouldn’t tell the person. I need a good laugh every now and then too.

2) Ariel because she is a redhead. Prince Eric must have been pretty desperate to want to marry a girl who smells like a fish and only asset is having a great singing voice.

3) I’ve won the lottery in the past. I spent the five dollars on more tickets and lost it all.

Mira, WOW! // Daria James

In these Coming Years, Many Things will Change If you have been paying attention, you should know I like to ride my bicycle when the weather is nice and not freezing outside, one time I biked close to twenty miles on a Fixie bike in one hundred degree weather and I only almost passed out once. I like to challenge myself, and beat my personal records.

Also, my husband said I shouldn’t do it and I showed him, Ha! If you are thinking pshh, twenty miles ain’t nothing. You obviously have not done it. During the East Coast winter, I used to scoff at the runners and their cute outfits with tights, gloves, hats and vests. Grab a blanket and stay indoors like the rest of us you showoffs. We get it, you work out. Well, never say never, for I am now one of those people. How did I end up like this?! A Dark Knight once said, “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

I started running jogging around my neighborhood because it is good for your real estate, and since I bike, it helps me work out all the muscles in my legs. Then once the weather started getting cold, I thought I was going to cease and desist and go back to the gym. However, I happened to run into a good sale at a sports store and bought some thermal tights and long sleeve shirt, added the running vest because I had that Simpsons song stuck in my head and finally after all those years I gave in. I also look good in my vest and drivers can see me when the sun is going down. Safety first, kids! I started tracking my runs, and keeping a workout journal as well as the temperatures I have run in. Who will save my soul?!

When I am gearing up to go run, it feels a lot like a werewolfesque (that is a word) transformation.

Going from my flannel and baggy sweatpants to Lycra, argh! I put on my running gloves, the reflecting vest and my head and ears are covered with a beanie. As I open my door there is lighting

for dramatic effect. I hit start on my watch and off I go into the cold trails of… uh, around my neighborhood. (I’m not telling you where I live. The paper has a P.O Box, send love letters there.)

I could have referenced the Batman suiting up montage, but I chose a werewolf transformation because I do not recognize myself in the outfit and do things out of character (i.e. running in the cold, by choice), the transformation is always a process and one learns to take control over the new person you turn into. Eventually, it becomes second nature.

Running in the cold has plenty of health benefits, it turns out it’s not just for looking cool, showing your cakes off, and thinking you are better than those not running.

According to the experts: • You burn more calories: yeah some is shivering, but when you use more energy, you burn more calories and you can enjoy more snackies later.

Beer is a hydrating snack.

• Workout for the heart: that little fella has to work harder pumping blood and you up!

Ergo, if it doesn’t kill you, can only make you stronger.

• Mental Strength: Running in the cold makes you feel tough. Challenge yourself, embrace the chills that are multiplying, use them as fuel to keep going.

On a side note, that is why those cold weather runners stand proud, they feel better than you do and now you know it.

• No Overheating: I love sweating to the oldies during the summer even when I’m melting. However, by running in the cold I have noticed my body going the distance when we are trying to not burst into flames, we are focusing that energy into running.

• Get started on the summer body: The Bro association says that summer

If you do not care to get a “summer body”, periodically running will help you keep whatever body you are happy with.”

Feburary 2020 // 25

bodies are made in the winter. For me is about not gaining too much winter weight, I snack and hibernate some days, and some other days I go for a run. If you do not care to get a “summer body”, periodically running will help you keep whatever body you are happy with.

• Endorphins: fight the winter blues with some old-fashioned endorphins, man. I get in a better mood after I run in the cold, first I am glad it’s over. Then I reward myself with a nice hot shower, followed by delicious food and drink.

There, I said it, I meant it, I wrote about it to represent it. Years ago, If you had told me I was going to be one of those people who run outside in the (East Coast) winter wearing those darn tights, even I would have taken that bet. I think sometimes we try something and we do not like it because we are not mentally ready. I like to remain open minded, and I am doing fine. Expanding horizons and whatnots. You are never too old to start something new. No idea if this is a permanent thing yet, still early stages, but I am doing it.

Presently, I engage in activities I used to cast-off, or did not consider, I have developed a palate for certain foods, drinks, music and other activities.

You can apply the scientific method to anything, really. Do some research, create a hypothesis, experiment, collect your data and make a better decision.

The internet has useful information, once you get pass the cat videos, and porn, and you can talk to people who are in the field of what you are trying to do. See what drives others and how they enjoy their activities. Sure, you will find some overly motivated individuals that might put you off a little bit, but you can also find moderate enthusiasts, and start liking things in real life and not just on Instagram.

Wait, one last thing: I am still very much against wearing that outfit outside of running; furthermore, at the end of my run I look not as cool and quite sweaty, so I do not stop to get a cup of coffee at the local Peet’s. Although, I am guilty of taking some post-run selfies, but in my defense, my hair looked great after a 5K.

26 \\ Foolish Times

THE HORSE IS LOOSE There’s an ad currently airing on television that warns viewers, “There’s more information on your cell phone than there is in your home!”

That statement does not alarm me, mainly because there’s nothing on my cell phone worth stealing—nothing I’m afraid of losing, including the device itself. The only thing I use it for is to make an occasional call, and then only when I absolutely have to. Like if I have to contact road service, or the police. Or my wife, when I’m out running errands.

Jann, in fact, is my only contact. Other than her, I carry no personal information whatever. I don’t use the device to text people, or to conduct business, or check the stock market, or order pizza. The few poorly composed snapshots I took with it don’t even merit a second look! Anyone stealing the device would be bored to death! Come to think of it, I have more stuff in my pocket than I have on my cell phone! This antiquated flip top gizmo is so inconsequential, I doubt it even registers on a GPS system.

Nevertheless, marketers of security software would like nothing better than to protect my privacy by placing me and my dumbed-down contraption behind a firewall so potent, I’ll be locked out of my own device! Then whose system will it be? Not mine!

Besides, it’s not what’s on my phone that worries

me, since it contains nothing more than what I’ve chosen to put on it. I’m concerned that there’s information about me already “out there,” wafting about the cyber-heavenlies, beyond my control!

I’m especially perturbed by the possibility that this glut of data will fall into the hands of the wrong people, if it hasn’t already.

I’m talking about solicitors, bogus sales reps, political survey takers, people with an agenda, people with a grudge, and every unscrupulous, inyour-face opportunist looking to get his foot in my door (and his hand in my pocket), who will use any available data to locate me.

Today’s advanced intelligence far surpasses the basic city, state and house number information contained in postal zips codes, revealing more precise details like districts, subsections, neighborhoods, and housing developments.

Super sophisticated mapping systems, I suspect, can now calculate the side of the street you live on, determine whether you dwell upstairs or downstairs, on which end of the corridor your unit is located— even speculate as to the very room you’re likely to be in when company

Come to think of it, I have more stuff in my pocket than I have on my cell phone!”

arrives! Anyone who wants your exact coordinates can probably find them.

You think I’m being paranoid? Think I’m making this up? Just you wait till you’re in the bathroom someday, sitting on your throne, reading the funnies...when you’re startled by a knock on the door!

Irritated, you call out, “Who are you, and what do you want?”

Some guy with religious pamphlets starts talking to you through the keyhole. “Sir, I’d like to discuss your eternal destiny.”

“My WHAT???”

“Do you know, Sir, where you’re going when you die?”

“Yes I do, thank you very much!!!” you say. “I just hope YOU know where YOU’RE going when you die, because if you’re still here when I get out, I’m gonna kill you!!

Forget about selling me a barn door. The horse is long gone!

Feburary 2020 // 27

Thought Drops III // Debbie Harris Am I the only person who’s ever looked into their closet or refrigerator, seen an item, and asked myself, “Why did I think it was a good idea to buy this?” (That can apply looking back on old relationships too.)

If the word “unique” means unusual or one of a kind, how can something be “very unique”? Is it doubly unusual? Half of a kind?

I love the English language but it frequently makes no sense. When I taught English and my students asked me why “habit” is spelled with one “b” and “rabbit” is spelled with two, my only answer was “Because English is a crazy language.” It makes spelling so hard. I have trouble with “ir,” “er,” “ar,” and “or.” They all sound the same when you pronounce them, but in spelling, it could be any one of them. Tell me why “sender” and “fender” have “er” but “vendor” is an “or.” Crazy!

Is there a name for the type of speech where people don’t pronounce “Ts” or “Ds” when they are in the middle of a word? The vowels seem to get extra emphasis. Matter becomes Ma’her; hidden is hi’hen; pattern is pa’hern; button is bu’hen. If it’s not a disorder, then pronounce your consonants people!

As someone who has been an office worker for a long time, I see that every office worker plays the same hot-potato game of “Get it off my desk!”

Is thinking outside the box becoming so common

now that it’s just thinking inside a different box?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Sometimes the most I can do for any charity is to take care of myself so I don’t become in need of it.

I wondered what causes apathy and then I decided I didn’t care.

I’ve heard it said that the difference between childhood and adulthood is followup.

How do we really know that no two snowflakes are alike? Has anyone looked at all the snowflakes and compared them?

Am I the only person who thinks that when a man is walking around with the free end of his belt flopping out and not in a loop, he looks like a pervert?

I’ve decided I’m Pro-Life. When I call customer service, I want to talk to a person, not punch options on the keypad or yell answers into the phone for the computer not to understand. When I check out at the grocery store, I want to interact with a live person. When I buy movie tickets, I don’t want a kiosk, I want to see a human face. I don’t want to deal with machines. I’m Pro-Life.

I’ve decided I’m Pro-Life.

When I call customer service, I want to talk to a person.”

Organic: A grocery term that means spoils within 24 hours after you get it home.

Times when you are assured of getting at least one pimple: first date, job interview, class reunion, wedding day or when you’re giving a public presentation. Any time you will be evaluated or scrutinized in any way or a camera may be pointed at you.

Am I the only person who needs a month to recuperate from a week’s vacation?

It seems that stores use any reason to have a sale or promote their products, any reason for us to buy. I’ll bet if there were a National “Squeegee Your Windows Day” there would be sales at hardware stores on squeegees, clothing store specials for squeegee-wear, and restaurant deals for post squeegee food and drink.

Happy second month of the year! And may you have a fabulous Leap Day!

Celebrating 26 25 Years of Keeping Families Safe on the Road

$69.95 value

We honor Seniors and Military

28 \\ Foolish Times

Valentine’s Daze Bill was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. The jeweler inquired, “Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?”

Bill thought for a moment then answered, “No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love.’”

The jeweler smiled and said, “Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.”

Bill retorted with a glint in his eye, “Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way if we break up, I can use it again.”

My wife just called me. She said that three of the girls in the office have just received flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers.”

My wife is really annoying me with her demand to go out to dinner for Valentine’s Day. I finally agreed and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu; double whopper with cheese.

My girlfriend asked me to take her to the Oakland Zoo for Valentine’s Day. I told her if they wanted her back in a cage, they know where she lives.

I had a one night stand last Valentine’s Day that went horribly wrong. We’re now married.

If it isn’t Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

A survey report says that 65% of all women carry condoms. The other 35% carry babies.

I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine’s Day by switching to single.

Every Valentine’s Day, the CSUMB newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year, I surprised my girlfriend with roses and dinner at the Grotto. When we returned from our date, she leafed through the paper to see if I had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Linda—what are you looking here for? Wasn’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”

I got my wife a ‘get better soon’ card for Valentine’s Day. She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

What is the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant after our Valentine’s Day date last year.

Like my name, address and telephone number.

My wife wants to roll play in bed for Valentine’s Day. She usually pretends to be a coma patient.

My girlfriend and I decided to make our own sex film for Valentine’s Day. She was really angry when she discovered I was holding auditions for her part.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.

After waking up the day after Valentine’s Day, I told my wife that I think her mom tried to have sex with me last night.

She told me that that would be impossible because she’s in Europe on vacation.

I replied, “Then maybe you should wear more makeup.”

JUNIOR JOKES Q: What did the elephant say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.

Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: I’m stuck on you!

Q: What do you call a very small valentine?

A valentiny.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?

A: Tweethearts!

Q: What did one pickle say to the other?

A: You mean a great dill to me.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?

A: Because it’s all heart.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Feburary 2020 // 29

To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

30 \\ Foolish Times

Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

from page 23

from page 26

Answers

Answers

After crawling along at a pitifully slow pace for miles, the Amtrak train finally stopped. Seeing the porter walking along the track, I leaned out the window and asked: “What’s going on?”

“There’s a cow on the track,” he replied.

Ten minutes later, the train started moving again and resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes it stopped again.

I saw the porter walking outside once more and asked him: “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

Guide to Local Businesses & Services REAL ESTATE Del Monte Realty

Building relationships. Making it easy for you to buy or sell.

Full service residential and commercial.

831.372.4574 delmonterelty.com RE license # BRE01227726

CA TRAVEL BOOKS

REAL ESTATE

WIN

AUTOMOTIVE

Venturing out?

CA Road Trips Staycation?

Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

Trinkle Real Estate

Dinner for Two at Crown & Anchor 831.648.1038

Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models

WOOD FLOORS Casa Dolores Wood Floors

INSURANCE J Taylor Insurance

Specialize in high value homes, collector cars-collections, umbrellas, commercial-business. 40 years experience. Old fashion personal service - your home or business.

831.224.5065. www.johnftaylor.ws

Installs, repairs, sand & finish.

Quality flooring at affordable prices. Family owned since 1946 Ryan Meye r// 831.624.3438 Lic#990532

Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be.

Affordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax.

806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS

APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeff’s Appliance Repair & Service

FOR SALE 800 square foot restaurant space in PG. Well established, owner retiring. Turn key business with all equipment. Long lease available. Brokers welcome 831.596.5759

In home service and repair.

Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up.

831.7472036

To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

Hans Auto Repair

831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

HEALING Lauris Wellness Center Where wellness & beauty come together. Chakra Alignment, Reiki Healing, Aura Cleansing, Maya Readers 831.235.6627

lauriswellnessstudio.com

Feburary 2020 // 31

FOOLIN’ AROUND TOWN February 1

February 8

Wharf Walk

Chocolate Walk

Tim Thomas leads the group exploring the 250 Years of History of Monterey, Old Fisherman’s Wharf and the Fishing Industry. montereywharf.com

Oldtown Salinas turns into a chocolate lover’s paradise enjoying a variety of chocolatethemed treats. Event benefits Special Kids Connect. salinaschocolatewalk.com

February 1

Champs of the Arts 2020 The annual red carpet event showcases and honors extraordinary vision, talent, dedications and passion of the local art community and the people who make it happen. arts4mc.org

February 6

Febraury 14

St. Valentine’s Day The one day each year we ask, “Where would I be without you?”

Miami hosts this year’s game between the SF 49er’s and the KC Chiefs. Our money is on the team Joe Montana played for.

First Friday Artwalk Oldtown comes alive with artist receptions, music, dance and comedy.

1stfridays.org

February 3-9

AT&T Pro-Am One of the most exciting events on the PGA tour. Pros join celebrities for a whacky week of golf. Phil Mickelson won the event last year. attpbgolfcom

The one time you can talk, sip and munch in the Library. Lots of chocolate, local wine, craft beer and small bites. mplfriends.com

Humorist, motivational speaker and bestselling author. Recognized as the leading authority on ways to improve life with laughter. Happy 92nd! larrywilde.com

Super Bowl LIV

February 3

Chocolate & Wine at the Library

Happy Birthday Larry Wilde

February 2

February 15

Single Awareness Day February 6-9

Mini Golf

February 21

The key to being single is to be happy with yourself. You are single and glad to be so.

February 24-25

Blue Zone The common goal is to making healthy choices easier. National speaker, Tony Buettner, shares the history of Blue Zones and a blueprint for well-being. Event starts with ‘wine @ 5.’ go.bluezonesproject.com/ Monterey-peninsula

February 29

The Conference Center hosts Monterey’s first ever mini golf course. 18 businesses and organizations create fun and challenging holes representing the culture of our area. Come play the Foolish Times hole.

February 15

Leap Day

Seaside Library

It takes the Earth 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, and 45 seconds to circle once around the Sun. We lose 6 hours each year so every four years we tack on a day.

February 8

February 17

Beer, Wine & Valentines Sip, munch, and dance the afternoon away while contributing to a great cause. ccqlp.org

The library turns 90 years old.

Presentations, entertainment, night astronomy and a great time to return those overdue books.

Presidents Day President’s Day is also known as Washington’s Birthday. At this day the presidents of the US are honored.

February 29

Battle of the Badges Marina police square off against the Salinas cops for bragging rights in this annual basketball game.

Former NFL plyers Anthony Toney, Ron Johnson and Maurice Mann will also be playing Ticket info: 831.884.1210

THE Resale TRAIL SPCA BENEFIT SHOP Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consignments, Vintage & Thrift!

WORKING MAN FURNITURE 10728 Merritt St Downtown Castroville 831.789.5901

FASHION TRADE BOUTIQUE 554 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.682.3740 fashiontrademonterey.com

February Featured Shop Yellow Brick Road

The Carmel and Monterey Peninsula’s Premier Benefit Store. "Repurpose with Purpose.” Yellow Brick Road gives back! Over 6.5 million dollars have been given back to the community in the past 25 years. Donate, shop or volunteer with us and be part of our great accomplishments.

FIND YOUR TREASURE 211 Pearl St Downtown Monterey 831.7471633

CAROUSEL CONSIGNMENT 490 Orange Ave Sand City 831.521.3672

YELLOW BRICK ROAD 26388 A Carmel Rancho Ln Carmel 831.626.8480 yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org

LAST CHANCE MERCANTILE 14201 Del Monte Blvd.

Marina 831.384.5313 mrwmd.org