Foolish Times April 2020 by Foolishtimes

April 2020

2 \\ Foolish Times

HealthyMiles

The ITN HealthyMiles™ program allows Aspire Health Plan members to ride with us.

Monterey: 831 233-3447 Salinas: 831 240-0850 ITNMontereyCounty.org

Great Selection of Beer & Wine Specialty Gourmet Products • Fresh Organic Produce Catering From Our Hot Deli & Sandwich Counter Thank you for choosing us as your favorite grocery store & butcher. As we’ve been for the past 50 years, we are here to serve you in these trying times. – The Higuera Family & Staff

831-375-9581 | 242 Forest Ave, Paciﬁc Grove Open Monday - Saturday 8–7pm | Sunday 9–6pm Thank you and hope to see you this month.

Special Orders? Just Ask! We Deliver to Your Door!

April 2020 // 3

What The Bleep Is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Contributors Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Peter Mehren, Nancy Pyzel, Jay Russell, Gilly Spangler, Mary Tompsett

Cartoonists Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

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WHEN RAIN, SLEET & SNOW PREVENT YOU FROM PICKING UP

The Chucklehead Speaks Seventeen years ago, Mike Miele stood in the middle of Alvarado Street and made a proclamation that our county needed a spark so he launched Foolish Times. He was on a crusade to make people smile and giggle out loud. At that time, the only thing Monterey County represented to me was a commute to my job that gave me a paycheck to pay my mortgage. I loved where I lived and fit in with the culture of that community. Then life happened. Like other residents of Santa Cruz County, my house ended up at the bottom of a hill because of a landslide. My insurance agent wasn’t very reassuring when he told me it’s an act of God and not insurable. I asked him what If I don’t believe in God. He knew I went to Catholic School and was bewildered by my question. My answer was it gave me more reason not to believe in God! Instead of living in my car while making endless calls to my lender and government agencies, I made the logical move to Monterey County. The endless calls continued but I had a roof over my head. Thank you FEMA for changing your rules after Katrina and the offices of John Laird and Sam Farr for having our backs saying there is nothing they could do. They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I don’t want to be stronger and I certainly don’t want to be pissed off. All I wanted was a chance to continue my life the way it was. The reality from this is that I learned to appreciate what I have and to forgive myself for feeling selfish. My sense of humor was a key defense mechanism to get me through the shock and the realities to come. With the continuation of Shelter in Place, we can’t do our lives ‘the way it was’. Get used to it because when we come out of this, and we will, our lives will all look different. One thing we can all do to help each other is to continue to follow the rules to stop the opportunity to spread this terrible virus. I honor Mike for what he was thinking seventeen years ago. Maybe he knew this day would come. It’s time to turn inward and dust off your sense of humor. Make it a point to call someone each day and ask how they’re doing. Read them a joke out of this publication. Life taught me that laugher is the best medicine.

Stevie P. // publisher@foolishtimes.net

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Eat It UP! MONTEREY American Burger Open daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 738 Lighthouse Ave 831.373.7573 americanburgermonterey.com

Black Bear Diner Open Daily Pickup // Delivery Special menu 831.656.9244 2233 N Fremont St blackbeardiner.com

Chef Lee’s Open daily Pick up // Delivery Full menu 831.375.9551 2031 N Fremont St www.chefleesmandarinhouse. com

Chopstix Open daily Pick up // Delivery Full menu 831.372.2622 1244 Munras Ave www.chopstixboba.com

El Cantaro Open Sun-Turs Pick-up // Delivery Special menu 791 Foam St 646-5465 ww.elcantaro.us

Esteban

International Market

Namaste

Open Daily Pickup // Full menu 831.375.0176 700 Munras Ave www.hotelcasamunras.com

Open daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 580 Lighthouse Ave 831.375.94.51 internationalmarketanddeli. webs.com

Open Daily Pick-up // Delivery Full Menu 831.641.0130 538 Lighthouse Ave www.namasteindiabistroca. com

Monterey Cookhouse

Old Fisherman’s Grotto

Open Daily Pick-up // Delivery Full menu 831.642.9900 2149 Fremont St montereycookhouse.com

Open Daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 831.375.4604 39 Fishermen’s Wharf www.oldfishermansgrotto.com

Monterey Crepe

Parker-Lusseau

Open daily Pick-up // Delivery Full menu 831.373.4646 321 Alvarado St

Open Mon-Sat Pick up only // Full menu 539 Hartnell St 831.641.9188 www.parkerlusseau.com

Full Moon Open daily Pick Up // Delivery Full menu 429 Alvarado St 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

Gianni’s Pizza Open Daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 831.649.1500 725 Lighthouse Ave giannispizzamonterey.com

Happy Dragon Open daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 831.372.1906 23296 N Fremont St

Mundo’s Open daily Pickup/Delivery Full menu 831.656.9244 2233 N. Fremont St mundoscafemonterey.com

Pelican Pizza Open Daily Pick-up// Delivery Full menu 522 Lighthouse Ave 831.649.4040 pelicanpizzaonline.com

April 2020 // 5

WE ARE OPEN

Your Local Guide To Eating Out While Staying In Rosine’s

Flaherty’s

Grove Market

Poppy Hall

Open Daily Pickup // delivery Full menu 831.375.1400 434 Alvarado St www.rosinesmonterey.com

Open Daily Full menu Pickup // Delivery 831.625.1500 6th & San Carlos St www.flahertysseafood.com

Open daily Pick up // Delivery Full menu 242 Forest Ave 375.9581 www.grovemarket grocery.com

Open Mon-Fri Pick up // Special menu 831.204.9990 poppyhallpg.com

Valnizza’s Deli & Market

Sea Harvest

Il Vecchio

Open Daily Pickup // Full menu 831.655.1010 401 Ocean Ave valnizzas.com

Open daily Full menu Pickup // Delivery 831.626-3626 100 The Crossroads Blvd seaharvestfishmarket andrestaurant.com

Open daily Pick-up // Delivery Special menu 110 Central Ave 831.324.4282

Won Ju Open daily Pick-up //Delivery Full menu 570 Lighthouse Ave 831.656.0672 wonjurestaurant.com

Zab Zab Open Tues-Sat Pick-up // Delivery Full menu 401 Lighthouse Ave 831.747.2225 www.zabzabmonterey.com

CARMEL Brophy’s Tavern Open daily Pick-up // Special menu 831.586.5566 4th & San Carlos www.brophystavern.com

Bruno’s Market & Deli Open Daily Pick up // Full menu 831.624.3821 6th & Junipero St www.brunosmarket.com

Valley Hills Deli Open daily Pickup // Full menu 7152 Carmel Valley Rd 831.293.8608 www.valleyhillsdeli.com

Village Market Open Daily Pickup // Delivery Full menu 831.659.4228 12 E. Carmel Valley Rd

PACIFIC GROVE First Awakenings Open daily Full menu American Tin Cannery 831.372.1125 firstawakenings.net

International Cuisine Open daily Pick up // Full menu 620 Lighthouse Ave # 220 831.646.0447 www.internationalcuisine. ca.com

Michael’s Taqueria Open daily Pick-up // Full menu 1126 Forest Ave 831.647.8654 www.michaelstaqueria.com

Mountain Mike’s Pizza Open Daily Pick-up // Delivery Full Menu 1116 Forest Ave 831.642.6000 mountainmikespizza.com

Peppers Open Wed-Mon Pick up // Special menu 170 Forest Ave 831.373.6892 www.pepperspg.com

SAND CITY Bigoli Fresh Pasta Open Mon-Fri Pick-up // Full menu 426 Orange Ave www.bigolifreshpasta.com

Jersey’s Original Subs Open Daily Pick up // delivery Full Menu 831.899.7677 832 Playa Ave jerseysoriginalsubs.com

SEASIDE Angelina’s Bakery & Deli Open Mon-Sat Pick-up//Delivery Full Menu 831.394.8808 1725 Fremont St Angelinasbakery.com

Baan Thai Open Mon-Sat Pick-up // Full Menu 831.394.2996 1760 Fremont Blvd baanthaiseaside.com

El Migueleno Open Daily Pick-up Special menu 831.899.2199 1066 Broadway Ave

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Eat It UP! SEASIDE Erik’s Deli Open Mon-Sat Pick-up//Delivery Full Menu 840 Broadway Ave Eriksdelicafe.com

Harumi Open daily Pick-up//Delivery Full Menu 831.899.9988 1760 Fremont Blvd www.harumi.com

Googies

Jim’s

Wakatobi

Open Daily Pick up//Deliveries Full Menu 831.392.1520 1520 Del Monte Blvd www.googiegrill.com

Open Mon-Sat Pick-up//Delivery Full Menu 831.394.5117 1584 Del Monte Blvd www.jimschinese.com

Open daily Pick- up//Delivery Full Menu 831.717.4624 1130 Fremont Blvd www.wakatobiseaside.com

Gusto

La Tortuga

Open Daily Pick-up//Delivery Full Menu 831.899.5825 1901 Fremont Blvd. www.gustopizzeriapasta.com

Open Daily Pick-up Full Menu 831.394.8320 1257 Fremont Blvd www.latortugarestaurant.com

Las Marias Open Daily Pick-up//Delivery Full menu 831.747.1877 1732 Fremont Blvd www.lasmariasbarandgrill.com

Mal’s Market Open daily Pick-up Full menu 831.394.1881 1264 Noche Bueno St

Sarita’s Open daily Full menu Pick up//Delivery 831.394.4407 1936 Fremont Blvd

Sushi Time Open daily Full menu Pick-up//Delivery 831.402.9691 1153 Fremont Blvd

SALINAS Aloha Hawaiian BBQ Open Mon-Sat Pickup // Delivery Full menu 831.758-8028 921 N Main St www.alohabbqsalin

Black Bear Diner Open Daily Pickup // Delivery Special menu 831.449.1545 1391 N Davis Rd, blackbeardiner.com

Chery Bean Coffeehouse Open Daily Pickup // Full Menu 831.424.1989 3320Main St www.cherrybeancoffeehouse. com

Corral Market & Deli Open daily Pick up // Full menu 2 Corral de Tierra Road 831.676.3806 www.corralmarket.com

April 2020 // 7

WE ARE OPEN

Your Local Guide To Eating Out While Staying In Della-Rosa Deli

Michael’s Taqueria

Open Mon-Fri Full menu Pickup // Delivery 831.759.8234 1309 Abbot St www.dellarosedeli.com

Open Mon-Sat Full Menu Pick up // Delivery 321 Main St 831.754-8917 www.michealsgrilltaqueria.com

El Zacatecano

Pastability’s

Open Fri-Wed Full menu Pickup // Delivery 831.796.0816 655 E. Alisal St

Open Mon-Sat Full menu Pickup // Delivery 831.998.7715 11 W. Acacia ginosfamilyrestaurantgroup.com

First Awakenings Open daily Full menu Pickup // Delivery 171 Main St 831.784.1125 firstawakenings.net

Gino’s Open Mon-Sat Special menu Pickup // Delivery 831.422.18110 1410 S. Main St ginosfamilyrestaurantgroup.com

Golden Fish Open Thurs-Sat Pickup//Delivery Full menu 831.422.2946 221 S Main St www.goldenfishrestaurant.com

Guadalajara Grill Open Daily Full menu Pick up 831.754.0400 1334 S Main St guadalajara-grill.cafes-usa.com

Perfectly Pressed Juice

PRUNEDALE 101 Wine Press Tues-Sun Pickup//Delivery Full menu 831.272.3025 8049 San Miguel Canyon Rd www.101winepress.com

Panda Garden Open Tues –Sun Full menu // Pick up 831.663.3829 17591 Vierra Canyon Rd

Open Daily Full menu Pickup//Delivery 831.998.8770 9610 W. Alisal St perfectlypressedjuice.com

Sarita’s

Smalley’s Roundup

Stevie’s Family Restaurant

Open daily Full menu Pickup//Delivery 831.758.0511 111905 S. Main St www.smalleysroundup.com

Sushi Daruma Open Mon-Sat Full Menu Pick-up//Delivery 831. 975-4667 216 Main St www.sushidaruma.com

Open daily Full menu Pick up // Delivery 831.663.0229 8075 San Miguel Canyon Rd Open daily Full Menu Pick-up // Delivery 831.272.3356 17629 Vierra Canyon Rd

Subway Open Daily Pick up//Delivery Full menu 831.663.1150 17563 Vierra Canyon Rd www.subway.com

RoundTable Pizza Open Daily Pick-up // Delivery Full Menu 831.663-5500 8035 San Miguel Canyon Rd www.roundtablepizza.com

8 \\ Foolish Times

DILLIGS?! // Mary Tompsett

Prayers, COVID, & Nude...What? “Help me, Speedracer!” I’ve borrowed this phrase from an old cartoon series and made it my personal prayer now. No more Gregorian chants, for they lose their calming beauty when sung off-key in the bathroom, as I make up Latin words while brushing my teeth. I have a friend whose new tattoo was misspelled: “Begone, Satin!” As a pentecostal drag queen, he’s doubly peeved. To deal with the pandemic thingy, I wash my hands, thus saving my Speedracer prayer for the really important stuff, like: (a) Last weekend I drove by a child’s potty at the roadside, and days later I still worry whether anyone adopted the disgusting lavender and lime green toilet into a new home filled with love and Lysol. Help me let it go, Speedracer! (b) I was already late for an appointment but the evil Satin forced a paper clip

into my fist and I wasted 15 minutes excavating the crud between the rows of my desktop keyboard. Sex—as I vaguely remember the concept—was never this satisfying. Basking in a post-cleaning glow, I then had a cigarette. Tally ho, Satin! Come all ye troubled souls that I may tend to thy distress here at DILLIGS!? (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”)

Session 5: July 20 –24, 2020 Ages: 7-12 Session 6: July 27 –July 31, 2020 Ages: All Ages (Cooking) FEES (MATERIALS INCLUDED) One-Week Session: $275 Two Sessions: $450 ($100 Discount) Discount available for enrolling two or more family members in the same camp session. EXTENDED SUPERVISION Mornings: 8:30 A.M. - 9:30 A.M. $30/week Afternoons: 4:00 P.M. - 5:30 P.M. $50/weekTentative Schedule. No Refunds except for session cancellations

QUESTION: I need a gentle exercise class. Does chair yoga really work? DILLIGS: Classes aren’t cheap because yoga pants, crystal pendants and Peruvian organic sage deodorant are now required by law. I’m convinced you can get some dandy stretches while lying in your Lazy-Boy recliner and simply reaching deep between the cushions to exhume the buried popcorn and floss picks. But for me the best gentle workout is synchronized swimming. In the nude. Swim suits are out, and support hose is optional, even in competitions. I swim on a team that wears old-fashioned bathing caps topped with huge and gaudy rubber flowers. Because body fat is so buoyant, we find that when flailing through surface dives and sommersaults, the weighted caps really help pop our butts in the air. Perhaps you’ve heard of us? We are the proud “Manatee Tush Parade” and we rock.

Stop whining. If it was good enough for Muffin’s neutering, it’s good enough for us.”

QUESTION: With the COVID 19, I’m trying not to touch my face and mouth but I keep forgetting. Help! DILLIGS: Okay, class. Let’s solve for X! We need a physical reminder, an effective yet very subtle and unobtrusive prop. Aha! Unearth that plastic “clown” cone in the doggie first-aid supplies and wear it around your neck. Stop whining. If it Summer Summer Day Day Camp Camp at at the the First First Night Night Monterey Monterey Studio Studio was good enough for Muffin’s neutering, it’s AA Creative Creative Exploration! Exploration! Imagine, Imagine, Create, Create, Discover! Discover! good enough for us. Archer Archer Park Park Community Community Center Center The protruding cone 542 542 Archer Archer Street, Street, Monterey Monterey will make it harder to Tentative Schedule. No Refunds except for session cancellations touch your face (good) 2020 SESSIONS but also impossible 9:30 A.M. – 4:00 P.M. Monday thru Friday to eat tacos (not so Session 1: June 15 –19, 2020 Ages: 7-12 good). And, trust me on this, making out Session 2: June 22 –26, 2020 Ages: 10-16 (Knitting) will quickly lose its Session 3: July 6 –10, 2020 Ages: 7-12 luster. But the cone Session 4: July 13 –17, 2020 Ages: 10-16 (Cooking)

will also catch slobbered tacos and glistening strands of drool, keeping your shirt clean and distracting the rest of us from those orange cammo pajama bottoms you wear. Every. Friggin’. Day.

At no extra charge, here’s a little sludge from the belly of the fantasy trough: #1. Science lovers deserve their own singles website: “Carbon Dating.” That’s it? No #2 in stock? Help me, Speedracer. I’m beggin’ ya.

Fool-O-Scope

April 2020 // 9

// Bini

Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram It’s a three ring-o-ding circus in your head! Ramming into the wall can make inspiration fatal. There are wiser avenues, even boulevards that may assist in curbing your debunking appetites. From this angle you look crazy. But it is Keeping America beautiful month, so peel your brains away from that tawdry surface and plant new seeds. Grow Daffodils, Daisies, or Dalias, deadheading may be necessary. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Cirque du ‘Ole! Them that’s got, shall get, them that’s not better not forget where to get it. If you strike when the bullish iron is hot, you will win all that is intended. Your smile is your trapeze, swing on it. Watch for any pile of BS hurtling toward you like a clump of dung from a effervescent sky tent. If this should occur focus on making it look sexy. The show must go on! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Bring in the Clowns...or cry all day and night. Loving yourself now is essential, because what you did was purely trashy trash. You could view it as cutting edge, or a dud in the mud flats of your forever juggling mind. The trick is to admit you were stupid at first and clever afterwards. Up the Hula Hoop!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Contortionist Fool! Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, and confetti! A pandemonium of delights indeed. Balancing your blood sugar between reverence and irreverence is a tightrope of genius. Keep your socks up otherwise you get the sawdust treatment. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Such a cold....finger! The Ringmaster is a real bastard. You showed him and took his head on. You are the cat’s meow. Apparently we are down to the fire eater, the strong man and all the animal acts - poof! You were famished, I get that, but your audience is raving for more. Consider approaching this new solo act with a Midas touch. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Releasing the inner battle can take some edgey measures. Throw! Throw all the litter out of your car window and make sure it lands on the Lilies! Go ahead, see if you can. Let it sit for a bit. Go back, pick up all that you littered and make a list of all the reasons you had this Sh*t in the first place. C’mon sweet potato pie, it’s not as tough as sword swallowing! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Circus Maximus! Fellini’s parents were Romeo & Juliet. Look at what great stuff they created out of their romantic convictions. Whatever you’ve have done this time, whatever enormous vacillation you’ve created in a clear calm sea, see what the good in it is and focus on that! Find your sanctuary among the tulips, pick up any litter, and accept all life forms around you as worthy ones. Scorpio: (Oct 23 – Nov 21) The Scorpion A freak show! Climbing the walls

will get you as far as the ceiling. Where is your safety net? No doubt your prowess is sublime, but with ol’ baggage towing behind all your beetle juice is simply static-slime. Descending rapidly must be fraught with a vigilant toss. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Ying & Yang invite, the seams of the sky to unite, and seal a giant night of white into a perfect light. Are you flying through the air yet with the greatest of ease? Polarity is what constructs divinity. So when sorrow’s scope feels like a enema and you are made mute, it’s time to transmute. You can never be a loser on the BOZO show! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat April Fools! Ok, not everyone can take a joke. Is it Peter Pan? Hooves or no hooves you cannot get your pantaloons in a wadskie. When you stand alone you must stand tall among the midget minds. Is that PC your asking? Are you? Perfection, wrong direction. Remember life is the high wire. Do what you can, Stan? Or find a new plan. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier OMG Liberation! Totally rad dude! Furling through the air under a giant hollow dome and glitter balls firing hot kisses. Whoa! Glitch! Grease paint on my palms!?! You’re in a Piccadilly now. Even when upside down is up, it’s all a matter of perspective. Dude this was not on the programme ~ Collaborate! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s a wrap! April showers brings flowers and rain pools bring reflective accolade. Careful, your impressionability is always in need of temperance. Make-believe is your finest outlet but best not use your third-eye as a unicycle otherwise you’ll end up in a fish bowl. Flap your tail in the Blue Nile to entice a chat with Ptolemy regarding your next best move ~ Keep on with the flaxseed.

10 \\ Foolish Times

Mira, WOW! // Daria James

I too am a Hustla’, baby Lebron James said he spends $1.5 million dollars on his body every year, from medical, to diet, training, and recovery. There is a team of professionals behind his every move. His body is his temple and moneymaker, it’s an investment; you have to take care of your instruments people. Well, I too have a Daria crew for the Daria Corporation, some do not know they are part of it; they are more like contractors really, and some have been notified they are part of the senior advisor committee. Shout out to my special legal lady-homies. I even give them yearly performance reviews, and I have given layoff notices when no improvement has been made, because that is what Boss ladies do! Hey, corporations are viewed as people by the government and they are given rights and protections originally created to help freed slaves.

I figure, if I see myself as a corporation, I can enjoy those benefits as well. Corporations have become more people then We the People. I think of myself as a business and business is good. I go to my checkups every year, take care of my teeth, yeah, there is a team of professionals behind this winning smile. I exercise regularly and balance it out with some yummy snacks. I have developed a facial routine and research the products I put on and inside my body. You can take that last sentence however you want. Some dare accuse me of being “high maintenance”, slander I tell you! Why should we deny ourselves of self-care? We all do it on our level, we learn the basics of hygiene, some more than others, and we use the products that work for us, we aim for a comfortable lifestyle and we dress to impress. You feel better about yourself, you walk around with confidence, people around you want some of your sunshine, and they know you are top shelf. It takes work to get up there, metaphorically speaking, no room

for short people jokes here. Five foot five inches is not short! It is above average for women in at least four countries I know. I digress, point being, if we are not passed on the good habits to take care of ourselves, we must develop our own. One day my little offspring will thank me for teaching them all about cocoa butter lotion, shampoo types and after care products for hair. It is healthy to take care of ourselves, some just choose to purchase expensive items to wear or carry their expensive stuff in, but you cannot fake the posture and confidence that comes with actually feeling great, it radiates from within. When people read about celebrities and their beauty regiments, they can sometimes forget that their looks are their instrument, and that is why they spend thousands of dollars on facials, diets and workouts. If they don’t, well there is always CGI. Nevertheless, we do not have CGI in my life, so I have to take care of myself. The keyword here is balance. Do not make the mistake of overrewarding yourself; make sure you do the work + bills + reward math correctly. I spend time talking to people at meetings and other interactions with human-like specimens, so I try to bring my A game. You do not have to buy expensive stuff, just wear it well and rock it. Iron your outfits when necessary, if you wear a uniform for work, wear it right, and sprinkle a nice scent on yourself, do not take a bath in perfume and leave a smell trace a la Pepé Le Pew, a little dab will do you. Firstly, make sure the scent will mix well with your body chemistry, do some scent research. More importantly, spend quality time with those who are not bringing negativity and unnecessary drama into the life you share with your loved ones. Read the news, keep up with the world, learn new things, keep yourself competitive and keep yourself in the know. Evolve with the times. That is how corporations remain in business. That and the occasional bribe. Nevertheless, evolve with the times, I’m hip, I know what’s cool.

Do not make the mistake of over-rewarding yourself; make sure you do the work + bills + reward math correctly.”

April 2020 // 11

Low Budget Safety Precautions for Seniors

// Jay Russell

TheRaverTip.com

We love our old folk relatives; no people on earth are sweeter than grandparents. So when our old buddies reach a ripe age, how do we respect their independence while keeping them safe? Some people choose retirement homes, but man alive, are they expensive. As someone without money, spending money can be hard. A modern company has jumped on this opportunity to provide a service that gives seniors their freedom without compromising their safety: Life Alert. It works like On-Star for a car, if you’re in trouble, push the button. Fall down, push the button, can’t pull on your pants, button, get stuck in the garage door, just push. Seems perfect right? Until you get the bill, it’s $50-80 per month. You could play like 40+ games of pool per month with that kind of scratch. So here’s the solution... air horns. Just buy an air horn and attach it to a gold necklace. You could also stash two air horns in each room of your elder’s crib. If they are in

trouble, honkity-honk. A neighbor will be over after two minutes of air horning. Put those lazy neighbors to good use. “Use thy neighbor to hear grandpa’s air horn” was in the bible or something. It really seems like this could take off. Obviously a cell phone could replace the airhorn, but if Meemaw can’t figure out a phone, the air horn is a better and safer choice.. Slightly more fun but way more complicated would be setting up stereos and boomboxes in every room. When that Jimmy Buffet CD plays all the way through at volume 11, the neighbors will have multiple police cars reroute before you can say “cheeseburger.”

The clear choice is the air horn though. Your safety air horn recipient could have some fun pissing off neighborhood kids with it too. Get off my lawn need not be yelled anymore, just lean back and let loose a blast of nautical fury. It’s really perfect for the hard of hearing. Airhorns are sexy too, they are brash, rude and bold, which equals sex appeal. No one is getting laid with a life alert necklace. With a blinged out air horn shining in platinum though, gramps will have all the hoes screaming. They may be screaming threats of violence if that air horn doesn’t get shut off, but don’t tell him that. This is supposed to be a community; the neighbors can keep your relatives safe and prevent your financial crippling simply by having functional ears.

Use thy neighbor to hear grandpa’s air horn was in the bible or something.”

12 \\ Foolish Times

SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH ME // Jann Gargiulo Have you ever seen those little books that need to be filled in? Mine was given to me by my daughter for Christmas in 2009. It’s titled; “Mom, Share Your Life With Me...”. At first it was not so bad, when were you born, where were you born? All info she could get from public records if she would so choose. So I filled it in. It asked for my parent’s info. They are no longer alive so I felt comfortable giving her those. Then it asked for siblings’ years of birth. I had to do some math for that one, and I never did well in that subject. Okay let’s see... well I can do it but I think instead I will just say that the twelve of us were born between 1927 and 1951...gee, my mom was pregnant most of her “good” years! Then it went on to ask where my parents families were from. You know, if one put this on the internet he’d get in lots of trouble. She found out that we have Irish from both sides of the family, some German and lots of English. On my father’s

side they were Dukes, or something like that, working in the palace. Big Deal! Then came the family nicknames. Did you have one? I guess most people did. Since I had many older siblings, they married and I became an aunt to their children. Of course I babysat, and the kids just naturally called me Aunt Jannie. When my own grandchildren were old enough to address me, my son asked his son what should he call me. He had already heard “Aunt Jannie” from some of the other kids. Guess that’s why he blurted out, “Grannie Jannie”! We all thought that was perfect, and so it is. My younger sister, when she was very young, was a cute little round bubble, and she loved to blow bubbles from the jars; so she was known as Bubbles. The next sister in line was named Elsie, after our mom. We called her “Moo Moo”, and to this day she hates. Of course that’s why we still call her that! (Mamma didn’t like it either!) Then there was Charlotte. You always wanted Charlotte on your side. Why? Let’s just say I used to be taller!! She had the name I never could figure out: ‘Skillet’. I’ve always been afraid to ask her about it. Hey! Why not now, we are

3000 miles apart! What can she do to me? I just called her, and she told me where the name came from: our oldest brother was watching Charlotte cook on Mom’s cast iron skillets. She told me that he said she got the pan much too hot to cook on and she better lower the flame. She got mad and told him off (that part I believe!), so he started calling her Hot Skillet, soon the first part dropped off and she just kept the Skillet. Up until she went to Jr. High School, she had a haircut known as “Duck Tail”; please tell me somebody out there remembers that hairdo of the 50’s? After that she went by Charlie. Of course that isn’t easy because we have a brother named Charles. So we call him Chuck. Charlotte always got her way. After we called Charles, Chuck, Charlotte dropped her name Charlie. Every so often she’ll pick it back up for a few months. Sisters!! This book goes on; it asks you where your father worked, what your mother did for a living. What do you think she did with twelve kids? She was a mother, the absolute best! There was a page for places you lived before you turned twenty, and if you remembered the addresses. I knew I was old when I wrote down the address and had to mention that we didn’t use zip codes back then. There are many other funny and not so funny things I wrote in this book. I’ll be sharing them with you every now and again. Watch for them. In the meantime, keep reading. If you want to know more about this big family, write to me, I’ll be happy to answer your questions.

On my father’s side they were Dukes, or something like that, working in the palace. Big Deal!”

April 2020 // 13

Air Travel: For the Record // Debbie Harris Thanks to my “adventurous” trip to Atlanta in December 2018 (see Foolish Times November and December 2019), I received a flight voucher for another trip as compensation. Not one to pass by anything free unless I really can’t use it (see Foolish Times October 2019), I planned a trip. Those of us who are not used to the rigors of airport screening can make mistakes. For the record, if you walk through the scanner with a 1.5 ounce tube of Vasaline in your pocket, you may get a pat down from a TSA agent and a “tisk” of disgust. After screening, as I held my laptop ready to put it back in my carryon bag, I discovered that bag was missing. Panicked, I went in search, heading me back to the line I went through. I told the woman operating that machine that I was missing a bag. “Is it this one?” she asked as she patted what I could now tell was my carryon. “Yes.” Relief. “It needs to be checked.” Several minutes went by, so I thought I’d give

the attendant a visual reminder that I was still waiting for my bag. For the record, if you start walking toward a TSA agent operating a scanner, at least four other TSA agents may lunge at you, saying, “Ma’m, ma’m!” I got the hint and took the same number of steps back and resumed waiting, noticing behind me a Homeland Security Agent and two TSA agents actively engaged in nothing but talking about a TV show. After another few minutes, I turned to one of those TSA agents and asked about someone checking my bag. For the record, the youngest, newest TSA agents are assigned the bag checking job and apparently they are the only ones permitted to do so, even if others are sitting around talking about TV shows. To his credit, the TSA agent I addressed, probably wanting to get rid of me, took my bag to the scanner. For the record, it seems that almonds show up as a potential danger and must be fondled and squeezed to be sure they are safe. Since I had voucher points to use, I bought myself every amenity offered. I even picked first call boarding and front row seats, which allowed me to

see what flight attendants do when they’re not telling you that you have to store your carryon; where you can’t put your carryon; how to buckle a seatbelt; speed talking garbled emergency situation instructions; and selling teeth-rotting snacks and beverages. For the record: They read magazines and talk about their lovelives. One attendant bragged that in her travels through Saudia Arabia, she was proposed to by four different men, one of whom was honest enough to admit he just wanted a Green Card. For the record: After dealing with TSA and airline staff on a trip, you may become defensive without realizing it. I was at the San Jose Airport shuttle pick-up area, when I noted that I needed a refill of my water bottle. Having plenty of time to do so, I grabbed my menagerie of bags and headed back to the airport to find a water filling station. The quickest path to the building was through a taxi stand where a young woman stood at a podium in an area with angular white-lines on the pavement. As I entered the lined area, the woman at the podium starting walking toward me. I stopped immediately. What had I done wrong? Was I not allowed to walk in the white-lined area? She kept walking toward me, so I told her my mission—to get water. Amazingly, even though it wasn’t her job, she stopped and thought about my need and directed me toward the closest place. I told her what I’d thought and she laughed. “Of course you can walk through this area.” I got my water and gave her a hug on the way back. For the record: I understand that airport/airline staff sees everyone as a potential terrorist. They sure let you know it. I guess I should be grateful that I’m not treated that way all the time. Happy Easter!

For the record, it seems that almonds show up as a potential danger and must be fondled and squeezed to be sure they are safe.”

14 \\ Foolish Times

Senior Moments How times have changed. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone cross Hartnell Street.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Every day when an old woman got on the bus, she handed the bus driver a bag of peanuts. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he said, “Please lady, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.” The woman answers, “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”

You know you are old when you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.

A woman was on the phone to her friend. “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”

Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.

An elderly looking gentleman who was very well dressed walks into an upscale cocktail lounge in Carmel. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Joe asks Peter: “Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!” Peter replies: “No, I have a cat.”

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.”

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.

There is news of senior citizen driving on the highway. A worried wife calls her husband on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “George, be careful! I just heard on the

radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 101!” George says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

I am so old I can tell the same joke on Facebook every day. Some of my friends are so old, they will think it is a new joke every day.

A grave digger comes home all tired and exhausted, nearly dragging his hands on the ground. “What on Earth happened?!” asks his wife. “We were burying someone’s mother-in-law and the people applauded so much as we lowered her into the ground that we had to do it again and again, eight times over!”

A senior married couple interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and AARP.”

April 2020 // 15

DES

S Y O TR

RATED

Episode 17

"The Big Shot"

PRETTY GOOD!

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com

Previously:

Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. But when despite Army tank fire, the creature escapes clutching teenager Neil Scallopini to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with tranquilizer dart-tipped missiles, and the T. Rex and Neil are incarcerated. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. CEO Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature on a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals how the T.Rex came out of his iceberg hunting expedition for the Icily Nicely Ice Co., and demands to be released. Later when Captain Horatio Algae corroborates his fantastic story, Neil regains his freedom, and just as Monster Mart’s Grand Opening commences he learns from Felicia Nicely how Lester Krasse defrauded the company. So Neil sets off for Monster Mart in the Kharman Ghia he and his father restored to find Krasse and get Felicia’s money back...

Dr. Quayle clicked open his attache case. The lining was soaked with the drug meant for the Tyrannosaurus. “Oh dear! The syringe must have broken when I ran into that young man.” “Can you give her the shot or not?” Krasse demanded though clenched teeth. “Oh yes,” answered the doctor. “It will be just a moment while I prepare another....” Godzelda was still under the effects of Doctor Quayle’s earlier injections, but Krasse knew they were wearing off. The monster was breathing more rapidly. She stirred in her drug-induced slumber frequently, and when she moved, the steel chains binding her rattled unnervingly. Krasse looked at his watch. Mr. Monster’s speech will be over pretty quick, he thought. Sure enough, over the store’s sound system, he heard Malcolm D. Monster launch into his concluding remarks. “How and why the dinosaurs all vanished is anybody’s guess,” he said. “In the meantime, my sincere thanks to all of you for coming... and especially to Lester Krasse for helping us and-- SMACK!! catching the doctor at the wrist. He to bring you the one and only living dinosaur in the drew back in pain. The syringe shot up into the stage world....” lights, arced past the dinosaur and disappeared into “Through here, Doctor!” Krasse hissed, and led the wings. him on stage directly behind Godzelda. “Hurry and “You okay, Mr. Krasse?” do it!” he whispered hoarsely. “Monster’s almost “Yeah, yeah!” snapped the ad man. “Come on! through yakking! We haven’t much time!” Let’s get outta here!” He fumbled for the part in the “And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Mr. Monster backdrop, and they scrambled off stage. went on expansively, “I give you Godzelda, the living “I certainly hope everything will be all right,” murtrade-mark for the largest shopping emporium in the mured Dr. Quayle, nervously rubbing his wrist. “You world... Monster Mart!” The recorded music swelled know, she knocked that hypodermic right out of my to a crescendo, and the curtain rose on the Tyran- hand. If only I hadn’t run in to that funny young man.” nosaurus Rex. The crowd gasped. “Two monsters “Young man?” Krasse repeated. “Who do you for the price of one!” quipped Tommy Kaye while mean?” Malcolm D. Monster waved good-bye to the wildly “Scallopini, I think he said his name was. Oh, and applauding crowd and departed stage left. Mr. Krasse, he was looking for you....” Timidly, Dr. Quayle approached Godzelda’s imKrasse paled. For until that precise moment, he mense hind-quarters. Just above where her tail had failed to make the connection; Scallopini was the began, there were numerous puncture marks from kid Icily Nicely sent after the iceberg. He’d forgotten previous injections. He swabbed the area with cotton all about that business. Or, maybe he’d come about soaked in alcohol and pressed the needle closer. those commercials he was supposed to make. No, The sudden chill must have startled the beast, for wait a minute! He was the one climbing the fire esshe growled threateningly. Her tail twitched and sud- cape the day Godzelda attacked Salinas, the same denly whipped about, knocking over Lester Krasse kid the sheriff asked about. That’s it, he decided. #17-25

He’s after the dinosaur. Maybe even wants a piece of the action. Well, no way that’s gonna happen! “Thanks, Doc,” he said. “You’ve been a big help. You’ll have to excuse me just now, but stick around, okay? We may need you later.” Then he ducked out to find a security guard, pouncing on the first one he saw. It was Calvin McGraber, who’d brought in Dr. Quayle. “Has some kid been nosing around looking for me?” he demanded. McGraber nodded. “Yeah. Name’s Scallopini. You want me to find him?” “I want you to find him and get him out of here!” “Sure, Mr. Krasse. I know right where he is.” “Great! Remove him at once! But be cool about it. We can’t have a fuss with all this mob. Understand?” McGraber smiled and nodded. “Gotcha, Boss.” Krasse pulled out another cigarette, lit it, and inhaled deeply. Now he could relax. With Godzelda drugged and Scallopini out of the way, his troubles were over. The store would be a huge success, he’d nail down his Monster Mart contract and pick up a bonus in the bargain. Finally, Lester Krasse was on his way to the Big Time! Next issue: Episode 18

Smashing Prices

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net

16 \\ Foolish Times

A NEED FOR SPEED I consider myself a safe, responsible driver. I’m sober; I’m courteous. I stay within the lines. I yield to pedestrians. I “watch out for the other guy.” I don’t run red lights or stop signs, not on purpose anyway. I’m not what you would call a reckless or an angry driver. Unlike some hot-heads out there, I keep my horn silent and my fingers to myself. I do have one weakness, though: I drive the way I eat: aggressively, voraciously, and with a lot of gas and gusto. Thankfully, I’m not as messy behind the wheel as I am at the dinner table, otherwise we’d all be in serious trouble! Time was, before I had a license, when I thought a person needed a practical reason to speed. However, once I sank my chops into the straightaway and tasted of its pleasures, I realized that driving had more to do with power and selfimportance than simply getting to work on time. Racing to beat the clock, for example, infuses the daily commute with an adventure and exhilaration that would be missing had I left the house a few

minutes earlier, and transforms even the most pointless excursion into an urgent mission. You would think, considering how I tremble whenever I see those flashing lights in my rear view mirror, that I would learn to chew the road more slowly, instead of wolfing it down all at once. Fear of the consequences has, I admit, have scared the wind out of my sails over the years and persuaded me to reign in some of that “gusto.” Apprehend me, and I am a model of humility and contrition. But the system can never quell my desire to devour the road as though it were a slab of deep dish pizza with a double helping of mushrooms and black olives. Because behind my meek exterior lies a force that longs to soar--unimpeded by rules, by slow moving traffic, by anything that compromises MY momentum, challenges MY independence, or clutters MY personal landscape. Surely, there has no fault overtaken me but such is common to most drivers. It’s no coincidence that auto manufacturers have appealed, not to our restraint, but to our love of speed, by naming their dream machines after swift,

powerful animals: the cougar, the mustang, the jaguar and the eagle, to name a few. And let’s not overlook such ego enhancers as “Firebird,” “Stealth” and “Intrepid.” Think about it. How many “Slugs” have you seen on the road? How many “Aardvarks?” We may not all be speeders. But most of us are, in one way or another, servants of our respective impulses. Human nature doesn’t obey protocol, nor does it take kindly to external intervention. Some drivers tailgate; others cut out in traffic without looking; some hog the road or bully other motorists. Far too many pilot their vehicles like flight simulators, refusing to acknowledge that there are any real people or objects on the other side of that screen we call a windshield. Yet, before we point our fingers at other drivers’ foibles, we need to honestly examine our own. The more I learn about myself, the more I understand why we need laws, AND officers to enforce them. But laws cannot reform us. Laws can only reveal our faults, show us where we need to be, and protect us from ourselves and from each other. True government has to begin with me, and with you. And it’s not for the hungry or the faint of heart.

…the system can never quell my desire to devour the road as though it were a slab of deep dish pizza with a double helping of mushrooms and black olives.”

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

LOCAL GUYS ON

LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

April 2020 // 17

A blonde girl calls her husband: “Darling, the car won’t start!” The husband says: “Oh yes, I forgot to mention this. When I’m not driving with you, you have to sit on the left side.”

How come your blonde girlfriend never smiles? Because I told her that I want a serious relationship with her.

A guy is telling a redhead a blonde joke. She interrupts him and says, “It’s really funny and everything, but I’m actually a blonde, I’ve been dyeing my hair for years.” “Oh”, hesitates the man, “Should I start over and talk slowly?”

Blondes don’t ever suffer from headaches. No brain, no pain.

A blonde at a train station asks the conductor, “Excuse me, will this train take me to San Jose?” “No, Miss, I’m afraid not,” the conductor shakes his head and is about to continue, when another blonde peeks from behind her and asks, “And me?”

Two blondes are chatting, “Look at this story in the newspaper. NASA wants to send two exploring satellites to the Sun’s orbit. I wonder, isn’t it too hot there?” The other blonde sighs: “No, they’ll only fly at night.

A blonde says to her friend, “I think my husband is cheating on me. I’m no longer even sure the kids are mine.”

moon?” Of course, at night they have the lights on.”

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

One shark says to the other: “I ate a diver last week. I’m still sick from all the plastic.” The other shark waves a fin: “That’s nothing. I ate a blonde last week. She was such an airhead I still can’t dive.”

A blonde borrows a DVD from her friend. A week later she brings it back all scratched. The friend gets mad and wants to know what the heck happened, “Well, nothing, really,” replies the blonde, “I just underlined all my favorite parts.”

Why don’t blondes enjoy eating pretzels? The knots are just too hard to undo.

One blonde says to the other: “I did a pregnancy test.” The other nods appreciatively and asks, “How hard were the questions?”

A math teacher and MPC announces to the class: “Your math test was really bad. 32% of you got an F.” The blonde in the back shouts in outrage: “That can’t be right. There’s not even that many of us in the class!”

Two blondes and a redhead got stuck in an elevator. One blonde starts to yell, “Help!” Then the other one, “Help!” The redhead suggests, “Come on girls, let’s scream together, it will be louder.” “OK,” agree the blondes, “Together! Together!”

Why don’t blondes get sick very often? Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!

A blonde hits another car. The other driver goes berserk and yells, “Did you even take a driving test you stupid idiot?” The blonde replies with dignity, “Yes, and probably a lot more times than you did!”

What did the blonde get on his IQ test? Drool. Our son came home from school and asked his blonde mom, “Do you believe there is life on the

Why is it wrong to say “a dumb blonde”? Because you don’t say “a dead corpse” either, do you?

Why do blondes smile during a lightning storm? They want to look good in the photograph.

The restaurant manager asks the blonde waitress to fill up the salt shakers. An hour later she’s still at it, so he asks, “Why is this taking so long?” She whips back, “Do you know how hard it is to get the salt through the little holes?”

18 \\ Foolish Times

POORLY PARTNERING

I asked my girlfriend which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”

I had a terrible argument with my wife last night but she crawled to me on her knees in the end “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

I met a girl at the Crown & Anchor the other night who said she’d show me a good time. When we got outside she ran to her car in just 10.3 seconds.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

My boyfriend asked to play doctor. I kept him waiting outside the bedroom door for an hour.

We’ve had some problems in our marriage and decided to go for marriage counseling. Despite my initial reservations, we got some excellent advice. Like, I should treat my wife as I did when we started dating. So last week I took her to see a movie. Afterwards I dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it’s impossible.

It’s our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now. 2012 and 2019.

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.” I said, “How about now?”

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married. Apparently, “When I meet the right girl,” was the wrong answer.

Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech… If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend’s bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

Last night my girlfriend told me that I had the body of a god. I was afraid to ask which one, but I’m pretty sure that god was Buddha.

I had a nice long chat with my husband today after our WI-FI went down. He seems like a nice guy.

My girlfriend told me I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that when I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

My wife gets angry that I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

Wife: It’s our wedding anniversary next week. How do you think we should celebrate? Husband: With a minute of silence.

My girlfriend asked if I ever forget to flush the toilet.

Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this.

I got all misty eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.

Our marriage counselor suggested we try some role reversal in bed. Tonight when my wife came in, I told her that I had a headache.

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game.” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

My wife recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again. I brought home diet pills. Apparently that’s not what she meant.

“Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life.” “Sir, I’m sorry, this is a brewery.” “I know.”

They say when you meet the right person, you know immediately. When you meet the wrong person, it takes about a year and a half to figure it out.

April 2020 // 19

Shopping Gone Crazy like the Hula Hoop It appears the way we shop has gone wild and crazy. Because of the Coronavirus, people are now buying certain grocery items in large quantities that end up leaving the shelves of the grocery stores empty. So now, a new method of shopping for certain items have come into place. Shoppers know that the stores get deliveries from the manufacturers and the employees usually stock the shelves when they are closed so that those demand items are usually on the shelves when the store opens. If you wish to get those in demand items you need to go to the store and get in line before the store opens. Once the store opens, shoppers with their carts, run to the sections of the store that have the items and load up. To beat the system, some shoppers take their spouse or family member with them and both of them get in line before the store opens. The items they need are split up on their list. When the store opens, they have their partner buy half the items so neither of them has to wait in long lines in the store to get to the items on their list. Also, if the store employees inside the store are allowing shoppers to only put a certain amount of the same item in their carts, say two cases of bottled water, their partner who has a cart and is buying the items separately can also load up which gives the shopper double the amount allowed per person. It is crazy what shoppers are hording and loading up at the stores. Bottled water and toilet paper are in

very high demand followed by items like canned goods, rubbing alcohol, paper towels, hand sanitizers and cleansing wipes to name just a few. I think beer and wine are probably high on some peoples list of essentials. Shoppers that have a full size freezer at home are loading up with frozen items. So this is just like the days back in the late 50’s when the hula hoop went in huge demand across the nation. Hula hoops came in different sizes for adults and kids and it was difficult to find one as they were bought out as soon as the stores put them on the shelves. It seemed like everyone for a while was hula hooping. Now hardly anyone has even heard of a hula hoop or knows what it is. So this craziness in shopping will eventually slow down and get back to normal but there is no magic date in sight. Until then, if supplies run out at the big chain stores, there are always your locally owned full service grocery stores like Grove Market to turn to. There is one more advantage to shopping for senior citizens. Some stores will open in the morning for about an hour only to senior citizens. Monterey County is full of senior citizens, so seniors need to get there before the store opens attended by their senior spouse and rush in and double up on toilet paper and bottled water. Good Luck!!!

So this is just like the days back in the late 50’s when the hula hoop went in huge demand across the nation.

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20 \\ Foolish Times

Busker’s in the Pandemic // Michael Houston Empty Gutters, Hearts Full of Love Too old to contribute to the next baby boom? Here we are remembering and reliving the solitude of a television set or reading this elsewhere.

Your Just a Memory Imagine being in pajama-clade house arrest. You can’t. It’s become a memory! – (M. Jagger, Memory Hotel , 1976)

To St. Patrick’s Day and Back Busking-wise, the rainy plague year reality hasn’t ben the thrashing caterwauling on guitar, mandolin, harmonica and/or bouzouki bumbling while little ones keep time in polyrhyms with maracas, bongos, marimbas, tambourine, and rain sticks we love.

Gone are the Days The farmers markets we frequent are unpopulated. The seagulls have inherited the earth. Where are our vendors? Quo vadis, phantom knife sharper, almond huckster, kamuchi promoter, roast chicken purveyors, and Peruvian sweater vendors of our yesterdays? At home in their PJs watching TV? Where else? (Maybe, they were just like us, cued up to buy their ration of paper towels, TP and wipes at TJ’s. Walgreen’s, Safeway, Smart-and-Final’s and, Lucky’s?)

Vermin Dreams and Other Spiritual Places St. Patrick ran the vermin out of Ireland and, we God bless us and save us forever, the vermin that is, the only true Irish on earth, the HibernoCanadiense-Silicio-Oakies, couldn’t even celebrate Paddy’s day 2020 with live music in filthy juke box discos dives! Imagine uninfected thwarted buskers scheming to play open mics, Cali Roots, Monterey Pop, Scottish Games, Bach and Monterey Jazz Festivals Duffy’s, Stick’s, The Crown and Anchor, Barmel, Golden Tee, Esteban’s, San Carlos Cathedral, Melville Tavern, Sunset Center, Britannia Arms, St. Mary’s by the Sea, Monterey Fair Grounds, Fisherman’s Wharf, Carmel Brew Pub, Salinas Chinatown, London Bridge, Alfredo’s, El Nido, Bull and Bear Whiskey Bar and Taphouse, Cibo’s, Carmel Mission, HeeHaw, the Buck Owens Show, Carnagie Hall, or St. Patrick’s Cathedral, NYC. Karma-wise, all of the above owe us all gigs when we come out of this pandemic or at least stagger on to some semblance of the ability to live-in-the moment and still remember where we left our cars in parking lots.

Social Spacing We’re all in this together, at least at 1.7 meters distance from one another. All is well. The homeless are safely sheltering and self-quarantined in their tents on the sidewalks, parks, or parked cars. The cops are busily telling them to go away, but don’t have very good answers when the local reared and displaced homeless query, “Where?” (End homelessness in American, please.) Quarantine Dayze Imagine the fate of hospitality workers,

our psychiatric support team! We’re not allowed to hunt them down to pay up on our shortchanged tips. Where is our mental health, prosperity, and well-being without their face-toface advice on resolving all our anxiety, personal, and financial problems? We are all Futurists Remember, beloveds, this to shall pass, as you sit alone with yourselves working on taxes, potential child support payments, last wills and testaments, suicide notes, and divorce filing that you are living-in-the-moment observing dispassionately as fearful and joyous reactions flow through your consciousness. Meanwhile we recommend the less enlightened among our readers continue collecting phone numbers from attractive baristas in a non-predatory way and attempting to meet rich, or not pauper delightful widow/ers and the not destitude divorced at piano bars. Life is so unfair! What’s

April 2020 // 21

with no eternal youth, getting old, and possibly eventually dying? Living in the Moment Those who fail to learn from history relive it in deuces! My karmic studies based on years of dodging ruler wielding nuns have taught me Nature and Nature’s god preemptively punishes. Consider Philadelphia in 1918 ripped by (Spanish flu) H1N1 virus! The city got punished in advance for unjustly imprisoning rapper Meek Mills for bogus probation violations in the first decades of the twenty-first century! Is this as Good as it Gets? Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) pandemic, Avian flu, shingles, VD, TB, and HIV are inflicted on us alleged sapiens for things we haven’t even had a chance to do yet, excluding atomic war, misused artificial intelligence, pollution based environmental degeneration, climate change, the extinction of most other life forms, and indigenous populations. Fake news of your choice YouTube just informed me that Kansas poultry farms caused the 1918 Spanish Flu or H1N1 virus with genes of avian origin! You can’t blame Chinese

people for everything, aside from all our retail products in Macy’s and Dollar Tree. Lots of people eat beer batter bats at wet markets reeking of wild animal bodily secretions. Others can’t tell the difference between pastrami and corned beef! Some people are so judgmental.

was, no doubt, unaware that Wikipedia would tell me 102 years later that approximately 150,000 bodies were moved between 1920 and 1941 at a cost of $10 per grave and marker. (Buena Vista Park above Haight St. uses marble grave markers as gutters.)

We didn’t do it! Did we? We’re just lucky this flu pandemic hasn’t been traced back across the Lettuce Curtain to Salinas Valley Romaine lettuce yet. It’s bad enough to get blamed for E. coli and kidney failures. Pinche gringos always try to blame Mexicans for everything! In the “good old days” they, not your forebearers, maybe, just blamed the immigrant Germans, Irish, Italians, and Jews for everything that they caused and didn’t like. Meanwhile, in the 30s, Mexico blamed the Chinese living there for the Great Depression. Me, I blame Woodrow Wilson for segregating the Federal civil service and kickstarting the KKK into the 20th century. “Everybody needs somebody sometimes,” as Dean Martin might croon.

Yes, I did. Despite all other Lent confessions you may have overheard, hallucinated, imagined, or dreamed, you can blame me for everything. That is as long as it doesn’t lead to getting 86’d, street beatings, DUIs, public stoning, decapitation, or faulty Wi-Fi signals! Imagine, can/could one be perfectly healthy and home-sitting to save the earth’s climate, ecosphere, and human population without digital TV? We’d have to, tidy up the pigsty, find cool apps, learn to read, or find things we could actually bear doing!

Mom In 1918, my mom, a three-year old living in San Mateo County during the H1N1 virus pandemic, demonstrated her skill as an infant mathematician one day by counting 18 hearses headed for the Colma Cemetary. The feat was made possible because San Francisco evicted all the cemetaries in 1912. Mommy

$ Cyber Busking or Anything Else? Wonderful business and distance learning opportunities abound thanks to WWW telecommunications. Teachers can long-distance teach. Buskers can set up a call centers in their kitchens and call everyone in their contact lists with unsolicited off-key renditions of St. Patrick’s Day sacred and profane songs. Marks (friends and family) that don’t hang up immediately are billed via PayPal, Face Book, Amazon Prime, Skype, Apple Pay, the IRS, the FBI, FCC, Big Banks, Small Banks, Wall Street, Big Pharma, the NRA, What’s App, State Parks, and Sesame Street. Welcome aboard the plague year Main Street and suburbs. Build us a better world, please. Give money to buskers and beggars. They may need it even more than you do.

22 \\ Foolish Times

COMMUNITY

SHOUT OUT Here at Foolish Times, we know that readers have a lot of questions and concerns with respect to the COVID-19 coronavirus. I am reaching out today to share what we are doing to help keep you healthy, safe and comfortable while you are reading our publication.

Office, Vehicle Cleanliness and Hygiene Not only do we have cleaning protocols already in place for our office to hide empty beer cans, liquor bottles and empty potato chip packaging, we are also addressing the same sanitation for our vehicles. We have significantly amplified steps to prohibit the buildup of fast food wrappers and energy drink containers in the back seats and

passenger side floor. Every person, animal and thingamajig associated with our publication, has a history of proper hygiene and changes their clothes regularly. Some have practiced these things longer than others.

Communication & Guidance We are in regular communication with our bartender, busker, and psychic, along with our neighbors who fill us in on all the miscommunication they read online. Rest assured we don’t believe anything they tell us.

Training & Preparedness Our team of graphic designers, cartoonists and contributors are highly trained in handling humor and entertainment. We are taking appropriate action for the benefit of your well-being by putting your mind at ease by making you laugh.

// By Staff

Reading with Confidence We offer flexibility to read Foolish Times at any time during the month when you feel stressed or depressed about the news. Give yourself the opportunity to call a friend and share a joke. If you can’t get out, send us your email and we’ll add it to our e-blast. Moving forward, you can read with confidence knowing that we are printed with hypo allergenic, anti-bacterial soy ink. In an emergency this publication doubles as toilet paper. We want you to have peace of mind when choosing Foolish Times for your life. Use your common sense and continue to live without fear. Remember the things your parents beat into you about washing your hands and covering your mouth when sneezing or coughing. Keep supporting local businesses that are open and remember that what we are all going through will pass like a kidney stone. Our foremost priority is to ensure you have a safe, healthy and enjoyable time reading. We appreciate you and thank you for choosing us.

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April 2020 // 23

Nothing But Net // Charles Birimisa How did the thought of basketball nets come up? I suppose it was hearing recently of the death of John “Hondo” Havlicek. The sports news showed a clip of Havlicek making a running bank shot from the left side to put the Celtics up by two against the Phoenix Suns during the 1976 NBA championship series. I actually saw the shot live on television; mimicked the shot in the driveway where at one time there was a pole with a hoop, backboard, and a rim with net attached. Details flooded back. The good nets didn’t last that long. They felt silky. The first day, depending on the texture of the basketball (mainly if it was rubber, and ribbed to whatever

extent) the ball would get stuck in the net. And I’d get a ladder and extend it which usually fixed the problem. Even then the ball would take more time going through the net. I do remember a net, or a few nets, that right out of the bag worked fine - no stuck balls. And still it took the ball a little more time to make its way through. And then it hit me all of a sudden. The smooth ripple sound the ball made as it swished through. The slightly different sound it made when it banked through. I’d run and shoot myself dizzy such a pleasure it was. My mother would call to come inside for dinner

The smooth ripple sound the ball made as it swished through. The slightly different sound it made when it banked through.”

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and right after I’d be out shooting again. It didn’t take but a few days and the signs began. The net began to show cotton. And the shooting continued. The net rippling, left, right, up down, sometimes getting stuck. And then another shot to put it back - swish. A succession of long shots, the ball gaining momentum - swish, and more cotton oozing. Hard bank shots and even more. Finally one of the strands snapped. And the shooting continued until another strand snapped. Then the goal became to shoot the net off the rim. Not only was I shooting to make the shot, but putting the ball right on the part of the net that would create the most rip current. When it got down to one strand I’d get the latter and tie the torn strands together and refasten the net for an even faster demise. The really good nets never lasted more than a week, sometimes two.

24 \\ Foolish Times

Knock It Off

JUNIOR JOKES Q: What do you call a rabbit comedian? A: A funny bunny.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Gorilla! Gorilla who? Gorilla me a burger.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Says. Says who? Says me.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good place to eat?

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Lena. Lena who? Lena bit closer and I will show you.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow point pretending you don’t know me.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Razor. Razor who? Razor hands and dance the boogie! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cabbage. Cabbage who? You expect a cabbage to have a last name? Knock, knock! Who’s there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Madam. Madam who? Ma dam hand already hurts from all that knocking. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Urine. Urine who? Urine trouble if you don’t open the door.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? I’ve always known you were a bit nutty. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Icy. Icy who? You see me. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a song. Would you like to hear it?

Q: Why doesn’t the weatherman ever get tired? A: He always gets a second wind. Q: Why did the Easter egg hide? A: He was a little chicken. Q: What man can raise things without lifting them? A: A farmer Q: How does a rabbit make gold soup? A. He begins with 24 carrots. Q: How did the dog get a new apartment? A: He signed a leach. Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? A: To get the chicken’s eggs. Q: What is the best paper for making kites? A: Flypaper Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny when he has fleas? A: Bugs Bunny. Q: What kind of food improves your vision? A: Seafood

La Mamma Rocca

April 2020 // 25

// Laura ‘la’ Sottile “La Mamma Rocca dice, si guarda, ma non si tocca!” - Italian proverb “We can look but we cannot touch!” “No touch, no smile, no breath, no come over to eat, you stay no close! You go!” Says La Mamma Rocca. Right on Mamma Rocca! You’re right! It’s a pandemic, or is it a polemic? I am going to take a stab at the latter since it’s the only tool in my possession to attempt to ease the other. We’re scared. I get it. We’re scared to see each other in each other. Isn’t this the root of racism? We’re scared our fear will be reflected back; the white of our eyes glistening in terror. Isn’t this why the NRA exists? But, when we interact, human to human, an alchemical spume invisibly encircles us and our auric fields braid like the Aurora Borealis. Wow! It’s beautiful and we didn’t even have to lift a finger. “But! Did you spray your finger?” “Yes!” As magnificent as this transference is there is always risk isn’t there? Well, who’s responsible? We could just blame it on Mother Earth. We’ve been drilling her like a whore for oil for centuries. Could it be the Gorgon’s power misbehaving and turning us all into stone? Or are we all already stoned? Maybe this time it’s the itsy bitsy bat that

crawled off the cave’s back and cocked it’s hat in combat to fu*k with our cellular habitat! The bat symbolizes rebirth. A symbolic death of the old ways of life and personal identity! It just so happens. Could this mean…We have to change? “Did you spray your finger?” “Yes, and included four more digits!” As my detoxified shopping cart limps through the grocery store. Our main avenue of encounter at this time, the store of nevermore toilet paper, I see a human stopped at the mouth of the isle eyeing me. She is stunned that I’m in the same isle as she. As if she were a doctor and has found her subordinate stealing opiates in the drug closet. Skillfully, she adjusts her face mask like a greaser uses a comb. I’m rummaging through…air, mostly, what’s left of the paper products. There are only pink party napkins I can use as wipes which will probably clog the pipes. Well, there is always compost. I hear a yodel. “Yoo-hoo! Don’t you dare take more than two!” Says the masked human who’s gripping her cart like Bette Davis holding on to Joan Crawford’s wheel chair on the staircase of death. I wave one package of pink napkins at her like a flag of surrender. She points to her hand that is wearing a plastic covering known as a glove. I wonder if she has the virus or something different all together? I grab two packets of pink party napkins. I pause and grab a third one and wave it at her in victorious retreat. She struggles fiercely to yell at me through her mask, arms flailing. But no one can hear her muffled hubris. I skip on and exit the isle. Once I take away the face masks and the surgical gloves

I have sprayed! I have wiped! I have sprung from the dung!”

from these encounters with humanity a familiar empty feeling floods me. The connection is that this social aloofness, this arrogance, this disinterest, this egoistic growth pattern has been with us for quite some time now The culture of unavailability. Our psyches have been barricaded for decades. It’s time that nature took back the reins. It will without permission. What lies underneath this alchemical economical biology? Besides the fact that technology has fueled and fooled us to believe that a high speed world of abstraction will grant us an immortal existence. Well, all I know is that we still have to wipe our own butts! Human to the end! The crowning glory of this corruptive influence could be a way to drop the American Dream turd and welcome our global inevitability. To truly revamp our purées of purpose and bond again. We don’t even have to lift a finger. “Did you spray your finger?” “I have sprayed! I have wiped! I have sprung from the dung!” This crown’s thorns has bred a miracle for a second chance; the virus is not racist, not prejudice, nor male chauvinist or partisan. It LOVES all of us equally! It even makes house calls to those who think they’re in charge. Temporarily, we will hide behind the crown, a perfect barrier between us. We don’t have to pretend we are asleep anymore drowsing in our Reality Shows. We can freely ignore each other like we don’t exist guilt free. But, this too shall pass. Corona Mona (COVID-19) will take flight. Will we hold on to our obtuse selfish behavior towards our Earth, towards our differences, towards each other? Mamma Rocca says WAKE UP! But, don’t touch or I’ll crown you! Roost! Laura ‘la’ Sottile lalaugh6@gmail.com www.lalaugh.live

26 \\ Foolish Times

To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

April 2020 // 27

WHERE ARE YOU? “Why’s the front door open?” He looked around the living room as he closed the door behind him. “Where’s my beer?” He walked past the chair in front of the television set, with the empty side table beside it, and into the kitchen. “Why are the breakfast dishes still on the table?” He opened the fridge door. “Why isn’t there anything in the fridge except a box of baking soda? Hey, are you listening to me?” He walked into their bedroom. “Why isn’t the bed made? Why is your closet door open? Why is your closet practically empty? Why are all these empty drawers on the bed?” Leaning forward, because that would let him see things an instant earlier than if he were standing up straight, he walked into the bathroom. “You never leave the cabinet open. What’s going on here?” He looked down the stairs to the basement. “Where are you?” But everything there seemed normal. He looked in the garage. “Are you out shopping or something?” “Where’s my dinner?” At ten p.m., he said, “Where’s the address book? I can’t find it in the desk. Where is it?” And eventually he picked up the phone and dialed Zero. “What’s the phone

number for John Charles Bridgeman Junior?” And he replied, “In Cleveland.” And he said, “Okay,” and he dialed the number for Long Distance Information that the operator gave him, and he asked that operator, and he wrote the number down, and then dialed it, and said, after the mutual “hello” words, “Where’s your mother? She’s not here and I didn’t get my dinner.” And then, “I know you told me never to call you again, but where’s your mother?” And after a moment, “What do you mean, it’s about time she did?” To the dial tone of the other person hanging up, he continued, “Tell her I’m hungry.” He walked back into

Where’s the channel changer? Are you listening? I’m just going to sit here until you answer me.”

the bedroom. “Are you going to put these drawers back into the bureau? How am I supposed to sleep on the bed with them on it?” He looked around again, went back to the living room, sat in his chair, reached toward the little table, and said, “Where’s the channel changer? Are you listening? I’m just going to sit here until you answer me.”

28 \\ Foolish Times

THE ONE AND THE OTHER - It’s NOT Complicated // Robyn Justo

The otherworldlies, the One and the Other, were back and were watching the humans again. They were really always here, but unless they focused in a particular direction, they didn’t notice the peculiar particulars. In other words, they weren’t watching us shower or do other possibly embarrassing things. “Hmmmm,” mused the One. “Why do they run around like that all of the time?” The Other smiled. “They fear the silence.” “I don’t understand,” replied the One “They seem to need distractions, noise, drama, war, lots of material objects, and obsessions,” said the Other. “Can they even hear that still, small voice?” asked the One. “If they do, they try to ignore it by turning up the volume of the noise and increasing their activity levels,” responded the Other. “Humans fear all of the voices in their heads and can’t tell the difference between psychic and psychotic or the still, small voice and a crazy voice.” “Let me get this straight. They will pay other psychic humans who do listen to their own still, small voice inordinate amounts of money to tell them what will happen in the future? That does not make sense. And they plan and look forward

to a future time called vacation so that they can go to a place where they don’t have to do anything at all?” asked the One. “Strange, I agree. They think that they have to spend money and go somewhere else to not be active,” said the Other, shaking his ethereal head. “Still, even there they fear the stillness and can only handle it for a few minutes. That is why they were programmed to sleep. They don’t need to ask permission to do so.” The Other went on “They think that being psychic is a miracle when it’s the other way around. It’s a miracle that they cannot hear and they also consider healing a miracle when becoming ill at all is actually the unbelievable thing.” “Weren’t they given a handbook to being human when they got here?” asked the One. “Well, kind of. They do have a guidebook but they don’t understand it because it was translated by other humans and the really good parts were so simple that they discounted them,” said the Other. “Please explain,” said the One. “Well it does let them know that they were created in T he Image, that same image we were, and that they can do greater things. There is even specific instruction to listen to that still, small voice,” said the Other. “To them, The Image is that something or someone they believe is controlling it all and often something to be feared. They call it God, Source, and many other names. Their atheists disagree and call it Nothing which is actually closer to

Humans seem to put more value on things they have to work for and pay for and they miss the obvious…”

an accurate description. Nothing and Everything are basically one and the same as we know. But nothingness frightens humans.” “If they sat still for just a minute or two during their Earth day would that help?” asked the One. “Absolutely,” answered the Other. “But most don’t try, even when the doing and distractions no longer work at all. That is called boredom to them and is followed by addictivity.” “Hold on,” said the One. “I will look in the direction of that handbook for a moment.” A moment to these otherworldlies didn’t really exist at all other than an instant of the direction of their intention. “Oh my!” exclaimed the One. “It specifically states that the kingdom is within and gives instructions on how things manifest…as a man thinketh.” “I know,” said the Other. “It’s a secret that has never been a secret at all and yet there are humans saying that it is and writing books and making lots of money on the idea. Humans are replicators. But they seem to need rules and regulations to create order and avoid chaos so they focused on those in the guidebook and glossed over the important things. Quite sad.” “Humans seem to put more value on things they have to work for and pay for and they miss the obvious and something that is free and was given to them eons ago?” asked the One. “Yes, indeed they do,” said the Other. “It has really all been in front of them and inside of them the whole time. One of their favorite phrases now is that it’s complicated. It really isn’t, but they always need something to do until they realize that they don’t.” “Never complicated, always free, little humans, why can’t you see…” said the One. SIDENOTE: This article was written months before COVID-19 stopped the world. The Otherworldlies will not be subject to quarantine, but they are standing by to assist us.

April 2020 // 29

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2) How often do you look at your phone every day?

Does it Feel Healthier When You’re Grabbing a Fresh Roll?

3) Describe your life using one word.

// Jay Cohen

1) How are you spending your time Shelter in Place?

Bob #1 1) I wake up late, eat whatever leftovers are in the fridge and go back and take a nap. It’s my roommate’s food and if he doesn’t see me take it, he blames someone else in the house. 2) I have my phone with me all the time but don’t look at it very often. It’s always on vibrate so miss a lot of calls. 3) Groovy

Robert 1) My wife has me doing busy doing things around the house. I wish Home Depot would close. 2) I have a phone on the wall in the kitchen and I don’t spent time looking at it. I know it’s there. I wish I could screen calls although we are getting less bot calls now. 3) Forlorn

You are in the know. As a single person, you were prepared with a Family Pack of toilet paper. But, while you were concerned with your toughie, you forgot about getting or updating a health plan. We’re glad that you realize there was a demand for TP because of a World Pandemic, yet you may still be uninsured. It is time to Get Your Affordable Care Act Together and contact a local independent insurance agent. Health Insurance is a very hot topic. Open enrollment was schedules to end on January 31st, but the ‘powers that be’ in our state decided to extent the end date for nearly 280,000 Californians who are claimed to be under or uninsured to the end of June. Ironically, we have a pandemic that is rearing its ugly head as well. This extension to get health insurance is just in time to get a plan and protect your uninsured self against this terrible virus. It’s also the law to have health insurance and thanks to our Governor and all his wisdom, you will be penalized if you are not insured. The uninsured are people who have not gotten a plan are still fighting the system and have chosen not to learn about it. Stubborn is not a good look these days. Maybe you are paying too much for a plan and didn’t realize about the available Tax Credits for higher earners.

Roberta 1) I do a lot of reading. Every afternoon I go for a walk around the block. It’s really eerie quiet in my neighborhood. 2) I have a cell phone for emergencies and I still have a landline. I love my princess phone. 3) Grand CoverdCA.com has a Shop and Compare tool to find out estimated costs. Bob #2 1) I do what I always do, play video games. I work at a fast food place and for some reason this type of food is essential. 2) I’m usually looking down at my phone a lot. I miss things in front of me because of this. I didn’t miss the curb and could have done without an emergency visit to the dentist. 3) Depressing

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Foolish Times April 2020

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COMMUNITY SHOUT OUT // By Staff

Episode 17 "The Big Shot"

What The Bleep Is Foolish Times?