February 2015 by Foolishtimes

February 2015

Mom said we were conceived in Love... Dad said it was Gin

Sticky Pudding for Valentine’s Day » Pg 20 Event Listings » Pg 24

February 2015

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Spring 2015 Performing Arts Series

World Theater

World Theater Box Office Hours: Mon-Fri 10-4PM Located on 6th Ave. at the CSUMB campus

Even a

Doctor

San Jose Taiko

Needs a

Saturday, March 7, 2015 8:00 p.m.

Check Up

Chest-thumping beats combined with stunning choreography.

Paul Taylor Dance Company 2014 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE

Wednesday, April 22, 2015 7:30 p.m. “The American spirit soars whenever Taylor’s dancers dance.” --San Francisco Chronicle

Mariachi Reyna de Los Angeles Wednesday, April 29, 2015 Thursday, April 30, 2015 7:30 p.m.

LET US HELP YOU

Billing • Coding • Reimbursement No need to change your EMR! Appeals • Collections Strategic Market Planning Train to Retain Staff

Enriching the mariachi forum as America’s all female mariachi ensemble. Over 25 years of helping medical practices stay healthy A local female owned company

* Artists and performance dates subject to change.

for a check up on your practice

General Admission: $29 For info and TICKETS

831.582.4580

csumb.edu/WorldTheater

Complimentary Consultation

831.324.0441 www.ipsmonterey.com 482 Alvarado St Upper Level Monterey

February 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool............................Jordon H. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

January has moved painfully slower than molasses with the reward of moving to February. How can this even be a real month with only 28 days? No choice but to just let it happen. To simplify, it’s the fault of the Romans. Based on their calendar, March was the beginning of the year and February was the bleak-end in the dead of winter. No one really liked February so they made it the shortest month. Today, we use the Gregorian calendar. The year is exactly 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds. This is why we have an extra day added to this month every four years to account for the extra hours. But you already knew that. Let’s party like we’re at Gobbler’s Knob with Punxsutawney Phil and his famous shadow, sing happy birthday to Abe and George, celebrate Mardi Gras and Chinese New Year and show our love on Valentine’s Day. That’s the shortest distance to March.

You know the best part about Valentine’s Day? Chocolate! One year I got a five pound box of Sees Candy. Five pounds! You know what happens when you get five pounds of chocolate? You don’t have to eat the ones you don’t like! That was my favorite part. Hmmm … Scothmallow … nope tossing that one. Maple pecan bon bon. It’s gone. Apricot delight … not even. I did share, but It didn’t take me long to identify the ones that were mine, all mine, my precious Sees Candy. A little Gollum-esqe but chocolate brings that out in me. A cacao high of sorts. So this month, figure out what’s precious to the one you love and get that for him or her. Our advertisers have some great ideas to make your Valentine’s Day unforgettable. Take a look.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Russell Swartz, Monty Truitt, Henry Tunahuna, Derrick Wood

Love and kisses,

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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February 2015

www.foolishtimes.net front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?” God replied, “My child, I am sorry, I didn’t even recognize you!

Getting Better With Age

Sticker Shock An elderly woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

Don’t Mess With Fate A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Staying Fit At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill. “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for 10 minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after five seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it’s all heart.

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February 2015

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LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

CAFÉ

SEAFOOD

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

FAST FOOD

BREAKFAST

If food were fast, we would all be running after it

First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

ITALIAN

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Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

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February 2015

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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality Sporting Spoofs “Harriet, is it true that your husband is a linguist?” “Yes, Emmaline, he speaks three languages: golf, football and baseball.” Mrs. Crane was a TV football widow and she had reached the breaking point. Mr. Crane sat hunched before his fifth televised game of the weekend. “You bum!” she cried. “You love football more than me!” “That’s true,” he retorted, “but I love you more than basketball.” Mrs. Agostino stood tearfully before the judge trying to get a divorce. “Your Honor, my husband isn’t interested in me. All he talks about from morning ’til night is horses. He doesn’t even remember our wedding day.” “That’s a lie!” declared Agostino. “We got married the day Foolish Pleasure won the Kentucky Derby.”

concession noticed Marie, a pretty young secretary, bowling first with her right hand and then with her left. “Miss,” she said, “you’ll improve your average if you just concentrate on one hand.” “Oh,” replied Marie, “I’m worried about my weight. I want to take some off this side and some off that side.” Dwayne and Chantal were at a college basketball game. Dwayne was a real fan about his school and in the middle of the game he pointed down at the court. “See that big guy down there playing forward?” he asked his girl. “I think he’s going to be our best man next year.” “Oh, darling, she cried, “this is so sudden!” Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, Treasury of Laughter.

At the amusement center, the woman in charge of the bowling

by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” A. Thomas Jefferson B. Steve Martin 2. “An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.” A. Will Rogers B. Roy Rogers 3. “If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave” A. Gerald Ford B. George Washington 4. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” A. Carl Jung B. Fred Allen 5. “Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.” A. Jay Leno B. Jimmy Carter 6. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” A. Leonardo da Vinci B. George Burns 7. “I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” A. Paula Poundstone B. Plato 8. “My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home and found us in bed together.” A. Pope Benedict XVI B. Lenny Bruce Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-B

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

Scoring: (number correct) 7-8- Dorky 5-6- Vivacious 3-4Intellectual 1-2- Fragile 0- Loopy Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

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February 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram You are a cumbersome sandwich! A drowsy Gyro... unleash yourself from your prison. You can be everywhere all at once even while falling down the rabbit hole ~ you can see Paris in New York, a violet twilight, a pursuant passion whittling at your soul. Enjoy the ride of being turned in a new direction every four seconds.This pivoting Ram-bunctious you is simply regaining curious flight. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You chanced it ~ You let your head get really big, to the extent of extinguishing all the oxygen in the room and shattering the view. Move! It hurts - crying is good. Crying has an astonishing momentum ~ it will form a pool of tears that will flood and carve out a new paseo for you, so that you can start marching on to new pastures! Find your couilles! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are a conundrum in a correlation! Riddle thee & Riddle thumb. If you cannot find the time because it has disappeared … you must seek the nano-second. You will discover that seeking and finding has the same long tale. A never ending race against time may only give you a hole in your shoe and no clear win in sight. The key is in knowing which door. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Pink stink! You can scrub until the point of extinction, but you will still be a spot. It’s very fishy indeed the way you are

squandering your time pondering your existence. Much like rice at a spring wedding hiding in the grass (Gluten free - of course). You are going to have to clean up all this idle matter, sooner than latter. Hurling pebbles will not bring you closer to your dreams. Plus I think you just killed a pigeon. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Rattle that cage and break down the sides, it’s the beast that rules our daily lives … TIME. But since you are the shorthand of history, a heraldic sly puss, you have not far to go. Think the Cheshire Cat, who wastes no hour making his disappearance an entryway. Get it, you have no axe to grind. Leave your worries behind, and don’t forget to floss, boss. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Why is a block of time like a hookah? Logically a block of time could save you 40 percent off the regular hour. Focus Virgie instead on the hookah inhale of a green & amber haze. OK-OK, you can briefly explore a clear analysis in the smoke signals, but more importantly what self-love arises in you? Solve this puzzle, or analytical intoxication may muzzle you. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You are mad about tea parties! Even with your outpouring of love to your guests, Time cannot stand still. All you can count on is the milk and tea never being separated. You love this embrace until peace and harmony turn out to be lactose intolerant. You want

to run away as fast as the March Hare, but you don’t dare, what will your guests think! Violently be aware that some truly romantic charming enticing beautiful happy endings started with a glare! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Fait Accompli! All is fair in love and all in love is fair warned. Caught Kissing & Slurping in the Queen’s Croquet Ground! All the while knowing that daylight would not shield you from the keen eye of a fastidious dormouse. This impasse is as prickly as a hedgehog. Now how will you render your significant other harmless? Make-believe it never happened? OMG! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Do not Mock the Turtle for it’s steady pace along it’s worthy journey! Adventurous SAG for you looking below the surface of Time is like waiting for an old shirt to become a rag. Under the protective shell of perception lies a much deeper enmeshment of scientific & mysterious substance. One particular genius named J. Joplin said: “It’s all the same bleeping day.” Turtle Blues. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat EAT ME, DRINK ME! The world at large enlarges you. You have grown, not because of the Duchess’s cooking, but because of your own efforts to learn to love more fully! You are no longer the debtor of limited thinking, you are far better ~ You are a trendsetter too! Wearing ONLY your winter sweater, burrrr.

By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier The journey of Ten Thousand miles begins with a single step. Oh no, I am not implying that you are old, simply that in a quadrille everyone steps in time and know where they are going. Do you? Your slump has the depths of the Kiev Metro where time is even slower because of gravity. You may feel a bit warped, so give TIME Travel a spin! Hearts & Tarts for you on your Birthday! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes You cannot hide your genius behind those coke-bottle glasses, bubble-head! Your short sightedness is only in your mind’s eye. You know the particular “NOW” is a mystery anyway! You hear this expansion but doubt the sound wave. Calm your aquatic drama, you don’t need to dive into the Mariana Trench to find your disorder. It’s all right there in the the current current washing up to shore.

I love my computer because my friends live in it.

February 2015

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FOOL CURB on the

Question 1: In a world where kidney beans are harvested from animals, what animal would you think they came from?

Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times

Question 2: What kitchen tool would you be and why? Joyce

…Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009

1.) A Kidney cat! 2.) A spoon, because then I’d get to stir my coffee every morning. I love hazelnut creamer.

Alex 1.) Human beans.

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2.) A spoon, because I like to hold what I eat.

Holly 1.) Probably a cow, I’m thinking more about their vegetable content. 2.) I’d be a 10 inch kitchen knife because I’m a chef. I work at a farm over in Big Sur.

Why Men are Happier Than Women • Your last name stays put. • Wedding plans take care of themselves. • Wrinkles add character. • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. • People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. • One mood all the time. • Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat. • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

Brandon 1.) Raccoons. Does anyone like raccoons? 2.) A kitchen knife, I like to collect knives. Right now, I have a C7, which is basically a folding crowbar.

Katie 1.) A sloth. It was a picture that jumped into my head. You don’t have to go very fast to catch it! 2.) I don’t know, but I think a whisk. They’re very useful and they don’t look like much, but if you had to make eggs without it, you’ll wish you had it.

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February 2015

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The Black History, Heart Healthy, By Debbie Harris

Valentine’s Day Month

The month of February is a lot of things. It’s Black History Month, it’s heart awareness month, and it has the most romantic day of the year—Valentine’s Day. Why is February so many things? Probably because we need to be shaken out of our winter comas to do something. Wake up! Thaw out! Learn some Black History! Take care of your heart! Rack your brain trying to find a gift for your loved one! Or, if you’re single like me, try to ignore Valentine’s Day or acknowledge it only by talking about how commercial it is and how it was made up by Hallmark

and the cheesy, cutesy, stuffed animal industry and the chocolate industry—and, of course, the diamond industry. Diamonds may be forever but apparently relationships aren’t. My diamonds are sitting in my jewelry box waiting for someone to inherit. How does a single person handle Valentine’s Day? With blinders. Whether you’re single by choice or have been looking for love in all the wrong places, Valentine’s Day to the single person can be annoying. To ignore Valentine’s Day, you have to start early. V-Day

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

Answers on page 24

merchandise lands on the store shelves about December 27. Groan. Before we’ve even finished all of our Christmas gift returns and used our gift cards, we’re faced with red, heart-shaped boxes and boxes of Valentines for school children. There may be some convenience to that if someone wants to use a Christmas gift card to buy a Valentine.

Do they know that groups of women marched in the streets to be free of garter belts. If you want to eat out on Valentine’s Day, expect crowds and a thick veil of hormones in most restaurants. If you plan to meet a client for dinner or have a girls’ night out, pick fast food or another night. Otherwise you might just overdose on awkward flirting and cheap cologne during the wait for the table. The most puzzling part of Valentine’s Day is the “sexy” underwear the stores try to sell us. Only they try to make it seem more classy by calling it “lingerie,” which is French for itchy lace and diminished lung capacity due to a black, frilly corset. Do women really wear this stuff? For very long? More than once? Do they know that groups of women marched in the streets to be free of garter belts (that can leave permanent imprints in an ample thigh) and scandalized their families by not wearing

their corsets? Spiked heels seem to be part of the outfit too. Is it romantic to spend four hours in urgent care due to a fractured ankle? Maybe those of us who are trying to ignore V-Day can focus on the other events of February. Ok, heart health. Your heart needs good food—like at a nice restaurant, and it needs exercise— like physical romance. Darn, we’re back to Valentine’s Day again. I don’t dare think of Black History, lest I imagine W.E.B. Du Bois holding a bouquet of roses drenched in musk at an NAACP steering committee meeting or visualize Harriet Tubman in a teddy ushering fugitive slaves into the underground railroad, or see Rosa Parks descending the Montgomery bus in four inch spiked heels showing a pouty lip. Yikes! Ok, I need more practice ignoring V-Day. I’d better get to work on it. Keep your heart healthy, learn some Black history, and have a happy Valentine’s Day!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!

February 2015

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“TOMORROW AND TOMORROW…” By Ted Gargiulo So tell me, how’s retirement? Not quite the way you envisioned it, is it! Seems that all the “someday projects” you were planning to tackle when you retired have lost their savor. Did you ever think you’d have more time on your hands than you’d know what to do with? When you still worked, you lived for the weekend. Now there are no more weekends. There are no more holidays. Life is an endless vacation, one unremarkable day after another after another. You can’t tell Friday from a hole in your sock. The problem with having everything you’ve always wanted is that you’ve forgotten what it was like to WANT it. I mean, what’s

there left to look forward to, once “someday” becomes today? Look at what you’ve become since you quit working. In three years, your gut has swelled like a basketball. You’ve gone from pleasingly plump to ludicrously large. It’s like you’ve got an alien growing below your ribcage. In your first few months at home, you gained 15 pounds. The last time you stood on a scale, you could hardly see the numbers. You feel monstrous when you walk, monstrous when you sit down. You grunt like an animal every time you raise yourself off the sofa. You can’t even tie your shoes without cutting off your air supply. How pathetic! You’re restless, bored, addicted

What is a vampire’s sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend.

to television. Nothing satisfies you. You’ve become a pain in your own butt. Want to know why? Too much instant gratification! It’s blasted your blood sugar into the stratosphere. Ditto for your blood pressure. It’s made you lethargic, indifferent to everything. You’re an aimless, sedentary blob—no routine, no expectations, no one telling you what to do, or giving a rap whether or not it gets done. What you need is to start DENYING yourself those wall-towall indulgences that have been spoiling you senseless ever since you retired. Start by finding chores that annoy you. Make commitments that intrude upon your precious “me time,” the way your job did back in the day. Busy yourself with monotonous, predictable assignments that leave you feeling cheated, unfulfilled and longing for emancipation, the way you felt when you had to work every day. If that tactic fails to snap you out of your post-retirement funk, stop by your former workplace and pay your supervisor a visit. Offer him some off-the-clock assistance. Better still, look up an ex-coworker you couldn’t stand. Invite him to play golf and

try putting up with his crap for several weekends. Nothing like a little hair of the dog to rekindle the sense of claustrophobia and despair you thought you had outgrown, to plunge you back into that downward spiral you couldn’t wait to escape. Mark my words, a good stiff dose of yesterday’s slavery will help you better appreciate today’s hard-earned liberty. Then again, it could be that retirement, for all of its promises and entitlements, isn’t what it’s

Make commitments that intrude upon your precious “me time,” the way your job did back in the day. cracked up to be. It’s simply not for you. It never was. Instead, you may discover that punching clocks and busting your sorry rump 50 to 60 hours a week were what you were designed to do all along. And that it was only when you were a slave to the system that you were ever truly free.

Importance of being

Valentine’s Day is the perfect day for the importance of being foolish to ring as true as rain. Let’s take stride through these burdensome social obligations and not let them bring us down, but yet prop us up! I, Loona La Moth, propped myself up after being laid in my sweetgum tree and realized that to touch as well as to amuse are equally important. Earnestly though, I want to thank Oscar W. for this tried and true trail.

FOOLISH

Falling in love is so hard on the knees.

February 2015

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Valentine’s Day, Pet Peeves by Rex Keyes

and the Monterey Tunnel

Valentine’s Day is coming up and the age-old question of what to get you partner, spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend is finally here. Going out for a romantic dinner at Jack in the Box won’t cut it. It has to be a sit down place with a waiter or waitress that also serves some nice wine. Well, there is also flowers and candy (a box of chocolates) involved, but those sell out quickly as Valentine’s Day approaches. So don’t be a last minute shopper, buy several days in advance, and no, the Dollar Store with those fake roses won’t hack it. In fact you will probably get whacked if you shop there. If you are cooking a romantic dinner get something like steak or spaghetti with real Italian

sausages for the main course, not some veggie plate or something “healthy” like tofu. And for dessert one can’t go wrong with rich chocolate cake topped with a scoop of ice cream. The only other day that is identical to Valentine’s Day as to what to do romantically is a wedding anniversary. They are both romantically interchangeable. One more point; always buy a greeting card, you know, the ones that have an envelope. Do not send just an email. Good Luck!! We all seem to have our pet peeves. I just discovered a new one the other day. Why is it that if you’re in the left turn lane that has a light with an arrow and you are about eight cars back that the

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light turns red when you get up to the intersection? Well, there is a simple scientific answer. Normally when a car completes the left turn, there is a one to three car space between it and the car in front. Greater than three spaces is not normal. In this day-and-age

The Dollar Store with those fake roses won’t hack it. with drivers texting and using phones some people aren’t paying attention to their driving and a big gap develops between cars before the driver pulls ahead. So next time, notice the cars ahead of you, and if you see a couple of cars

leave more than a three car gap between them, chances are you are not going to make the left turn signal before it turns red. Ok, so I had to go to a psychiatrist the other day because of a disturbing reoccurring dream. Many people do not want to admit getting psychiatric help. But I am mentioning this so as to help anyone out there with the same problem. I dreamt that as I was driving to work with some fellow workers in the car that there was an earthquake as I entered that tunnel in Monterey. Then debris fell and we got stuck in the tunnel. Of course the psychiatrist that analyzed my dream was one of the very best in California. He immediately knew what my problem was and I am now so relieved that he cured me. It was a common problem diagnosed as “carpool tunnel syndrome.”

February 2015

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February 2015

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February 2015

By Lily Brun

Weeds It’s the dead of winter in the throes of a four-year drought. On my garden walkabouts I find a few hearty herbs, some sturdy succulents a scattering of salvias and weeds … always weeds. Ever present weeds. Weeds that grab hold of the ground and do not want to let go. Weeds that invade every bed, pot and walkway. They’re even in the chicken coop; my girls don’t even give them a second glance. Weeds are a nuisance. They’re unwanted and push out the cultivated plants that are wanted. They trick you with their pretty flowers into a softhearted welcome. But my hospitality is walloped by their tenacity and immovability. I have three acres of pasture where I adopt the attitude of live and let live. I can be at one with the weeds, in harmony with their encroaching nature. However, in my garden, amidst the tomatoes and carrots and fava beans … they are interlopers, unwanted marauders competing for water and nutrients with my vegetables. They harbor pests, viruses and disease. I have enough trouble from that trio of irritants combating me for my bounty of squash and onions and beets. Enough! The weeds must go. They must be pulled. But, oh, what a tedious task. Most have roots that dig in for the longterm. When you pull on them, they pull back! So, a weeder tool is a must. Even better, a trowel. Better yet, a shovel. Dig down with a deep yoga breath and uproot the nasty brutes. Weed,

after weed, after weed until you can see fresh, overturned dirt ready for something worthy of it. But don’t rest on your laurels. The ancient Greeks did just that and look what happened. (I digress. Fodder for another column.) The seeds from weeds are spread by wind and water and birds and, if you can believe it, people. The conquering hordes attach themselves to all manner of things in an effort to expand their territory, thus the invasive adjective that is generally used in conjunction with the noun.

Most have roots that dig in for the longterm. When you pull on them, they pull back! So be vigilant. Did you know a typical crabgrass plant can produce in excess of 50,000 seeds each and year and that those seeds can remain viable for decades. At this point, they’ll out live me. But I won’t go down without a fight. Knee pads and gloves stand ready. In the cool morning air, fresh from a good night’s sleep (me, not the weeds), I will slip into my muck boots, bucket in hand, weeder to the ready and attack. The reward for all of my hard work? I like to think a gardening coup. A fait accompli. A triumph so overwhelming that I can hang up my knee pads. But in my heart, I know it’s just a hollow victory. They’ll be back.

You’re awkward, but it a cute way. Like an elevator ride, but with puppies.

February 2015

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By Chuck Shepherd Week of February 23, 2014

Find That Genius! • Beijing Genomics Institute scientists are closing in on a technology to allow parents to choose, from several embryos, the one most likely to yield the smartest offspring. London’s Daily Mail (in January, referencing recent work in Wired, The Wall Street Journal and The New Yorker) explained that BGI will have identified high-potential mathematics genes (by mapping the cells of geniuses) so that researchers can search for those among a couple’s array of embryos. (Most embryos will yield gene arrays resembling their parents’, but one embryo is likely “better”—and maybe much better.) One Chinese researcher acknowledged the “controversial” nature of the work, “especially in the West,” but added, “That’s not the case in China.” The parental price tag on finding the smartest kid? Expensive, said a supporter, but less than upgrading an average kid via Harvard, or even a private prep school.

Can’t Possibly Be True • “This (was) my life,” said musician Boujemaa Razgui in December, referring to the 13 handmade flutes that he played professionally, “and now they’re gone.” Arriving in New York City from Madrid with the 13 woodwinds in his checked luggage, he was shocked to discover that U.S. Customs

had destroyed them without notice because “wood” is a restricted “agricultural” import. (Unsophisticated agents had apparently regarded them as mere bamboo.) Razgui plays all over the world including, since 2002, with the Boston Camerata ensemble staged by the city’s Museum of Fine Arts. • A Georgia Regents University’s dental school official acknowledged in December that the school would likely continue to conduct research on the mouths of stray dogs solely to test a coating that might inhibit infections in humans’ dental implants. The work is controversial because the only way to study the installed implants is to remove them, after euthanizing the dogs. (Also, the research is sponsored by commercial dentalimplant companies for a market dominated by elective cosmetic patients.) (However, a GRU professor noted that implants are also functional, as they inhibit infections that might reach the heart’s lining and other locations.) • Saved by the Blimps: Americans who have grown accustomed to hearing that the U.S. is militarily without peer might have been shocked to learn in January (as CBS News reported from a Pentagon interview) that America has “practically zero capability” either to detect enemy cruise missiles fired at Washington, D.C., from offshore, or even worse, to “defend against (them).” The Pentagon’s interim

makeshift solution to protect the U.S. capital, said an official, is to launch two blimps, soon, to float two miles up over a base in Maryland to try to spot any such missiles. • In February, a California Highway Patrol officer handcuffed and threatened to arrest a firefighter performing an emergency roadside rescue along Interstate 805 in Chula Vista, Calif., because the rescuer would not move his truck from the fast lane, where it was “impeding” traffic. Firefighters are required to block lanes during rescues, specifically to “impede” traffic for their own protection and that of victims nearby. CHP and the Chula Vista firefighters later jointly called the incident a “miscommunication.”

Unclear on the Concept • Oregon inmate Sirgiorgio Clardy, 26, filed a handwritten $100 million lawsuit in January against Nike for inadequately marketing its Air Jordans. Clardy, a convicted pimp, had received an “enhanced” penalty for using a “dangerous weapon” to maim the face of a john, i.e., he had stomped and kicked a man after accusing him of skipping out on a payment, and the “dangerous weapon” was apparently his shoe. Clardy said Nike bears at least some responsibility for his incarceration because it failed to label the shoe a “dangerous weapon.” • Ed Forchion sits in a jail in Burlington County, N.J. (where he will reside for a few more months), serving a term for possession of marijuana. However, for 10 days each month until his release, the same judge who sentenced him has promised to allow him to go smoke medical marijuana in California to relieve pain from his bone cancer. (Forchion was convicted of possession before New Jersey legalized medical marijuana.) (Update: Four days

after a Trentonian columnist’s story about “Weedman” Forchion, and the subsequent Internet frenzy it wrought, Forchion’s judge commuted the final 130 days of his sentence and freed him.) • In a December letter to the University of Minnesota president, a coalition of black student organizations demanded an end to racial profiling, especially in light of recent campus crime incidents. “(C)ampus safety should be of the (university’s) utmost importance,” they acknowledged, but among the organizations’ complaints was that when “be on the lookout” alerts were issued (usually based on victims’ descriptions of their attackers), innocent black students feel “discomforting,” “negative psychological effects” -- because the alerts so often describe black attackers. • Officials at the Emu Plains Correctional Center near Sydney, Australia, announced in January that they had preempted a planned escape by two female inmates, ages 32 and 21, after finding a 60-foot length of tied-together sheets in a cell. Nonetheless, the officials said they were puzzled, in that Emu Plains is a one-story facility, enclosed, wrote the Daily Telegraph, by a “not particularly high” fence. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

I love you more than bacon.

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February 2015

Heart Throb Answers on pg 24

Aorta Atrium Pulmonary Ventricle Coronary Vessels Arteries Veins Bicuspid Valve Tricuspid Vena Cava Oxygenated Chamber Squirt Blood Pump Contract Relax

Improving the Reader Survey by Henry Tunahuna In this age of “targeted advertising” and Big Data, the old simplistic Reader Survey is woefully inadequate. Much more information is needed. For example: are you a Happy Single or a DesperatelyLooking Single? An Unhappy Married? Do you have Spiders and Ants in your home? We present our new survey below as a superior alternative. Please take a few enjoyable minutes to fill it out. No need to send the survey to us. Your choices will be recorded by hidden transmitters in the paper. Gender (circle the closest one) Male Female NotSure A Bit Of Both Irrelevant

Age (circle the most accurate self-perception) Under12 Teeny Bopper Young Young At Heart Middle Paleo Can’t Remember Wishful Thinking Ageless InUtero Note: “InUtero” is an appropriate selection for anyone who feels close to a personal rebirth

Highest Level of Education (circle one) Idiot Fool Savant SundaySchool Hogwarts Padawan HighSchool BS/BA Helpful key: Idiot = not capable of education; Fool = ignorance is bliss; Savant = knowledge just comes naturally; Sunday School = no need for further education; Hogwarts and Padawan = (if you do not know what these are, circle “Idiot”)

Sources of Income (circle all that apply) Parents Relatives Street Corners Government Lawsuits Employment Gambling Retirement Business Royalties What do you do with “extra” money? (circle all that apply). Tithing Gambling Gifts Entertainment Clothes Vacation Don’t Have Any Share/Gift Origami Note: if you have neither food not housing, skip the question, but keep reading Foolish Times, because humor will lighten your day

Food-eating Creatures in your Household (circle all that apply) Dog Cat Bird Snake/Reptile Spiders Rats Ants Mice Children Spouse Parent What is your “home” like? (circle all that apply)

Homeless Small Medium Large XL Messy Neat Ugly Apt Condo House Renting

How do you spend your ‘spare’ time? (circle all that apply) Internet Outdoors TV Music Movies Socializing Church WishfulThinking Hobbies How many Issues of Foolish Times have you read? (circle one) Only This One Not Even This One 2-4 5-10 10+ Who should Foolish Times give a free mailed subscription to? (circle all that apply) White House Governor Brown Pope Francis Prince Charles My Cranky Neighbor What would you like to see done differently with Foolish Times? (check all that apply) Don’t mess with perfection Give it up, get a life Put it outside every church Put it inside every government office Change the paper to a softer tissue for post-read uses

February 2015

Sticky Pudding

Making a wrong turn leaving Daytona Beach, FL ended up being a culinary blessing. Owner/Chef Mayra Rodriguez of the acclaimed Chucherias Hondurenas Restaurant offers her special recipe for Sticky Pudding. Servings: 12 portions

Ingredients • 12 ounces unsalted butter • 3 large eggs • 3 ¾ cup all-purpose flour • ¾ cup brown sugar • ¾ cup molasses • ¼ cup vanilla essence • 1 cup chopped dates • ¼ teaspoon salt • 4 teaspoon baking powder • 4 teaspoon baking soda • 2½ cup boiling hot water • Butter for greasing pudding mold.

The Toffee:

• 4 ounces melted butter • 1 cup brown sugar • ¼ cup water • 1½ cup heavy cream

The Pudding: • Preheat oven 325° • Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda • Cream butter, salt and brown sugar • Add eggs one at a time • In another container add boiling water, molasses, vanilla essence, dates and one teaspoon of baking soda. Let the dates soak in the mixture for a couples minutes • Add one part flour to the creamy butter, add some of the hot water, add the remaining flour. • Pour the batter into greased mold • Bake for 20 minutes • Lower the temperature to 300° and bake for additional 30 minutes or until skewer inserted in the center of the pudding comes out clean • Cool slightly and cut to desired portion

Back to the Toffee: • Combine brown sugar and water in a medium sauce pan over medium heat • Stir and bring mixture to a boil

(be careful not to burn) • Add the melted butter, stir to combine • Stir in heavy cream, bring to a boil • Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes • Serve warm over the pudding Next time you visit Florida, stop for a memorable gastronomic experience. chucheriashondurenas.com

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Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? A. A clock! Q. What is the easiest way to double your money? A. Put it in front of the mirror of course! Q. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive? A. A glove. Q. What has to be broken before you can use it? A. An egg.

It would be great if Valentine’s Day came with a fastforward button.

Q. What has a neck but no head? A. A bottle. Q. What gets wetter as it dries? A. A towel. Q. What goes up and doesn’t come back down? A. Your age. Q. What belongs to you but is used more by others? A. Your name. Q. Everyone has it and no one can lose it, what is it? A. A shadow. Q. It’s been around for millions of years, but it’s no more than a month old. What is it? A. The moon.

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February 2015

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Keep It Simple

By Richard Matranga The lessons in life that “stuck” to the wall were grounded in failure. After being slapped around all these years, I will be shunned and shoved aside despite the “wisdom” just oozing out of my “senior” brain. I could finish this sentence and end this piece here but you may get lucky and be struck by lightning belt as a lawyer. I had handled more than a few strange cases. A friend of mine was given the call while he was on the toilet one night. I was appointed the attorney for the estate proceedings. I had never been to his house but I needed to spend some time there to inventory his household items. As I opened the front door, I was stunned. On both sides of the hallway leading to the living room were thousands of newspapers and magazines, stacked to the ceiling. There was barely enough room to move “sideways” and as I clawed and scratched like a Marine in combat, I finally reached the living room and located an easy chair sitting near the middle of the room which was filled about knee high with brand new shirts still in the package. I remembered that he told me he had purchased a VCR recently and a “backup” just in case the first one “fizzled” out. Hell, he had backups to his backups; all kinds of electronic gadgets, TVs, coffeemakers, stereos, Cuisinarts, etc.. After spending what seemed like an eternity inventorying the “stuff” I left, but not before pulling the license plate holder off the back of my car … you know, the one that quips … ”whoever dies with the most toys wins.” He didn’t die happy. He died with

over three million dollars worth of “crap” but he was not a happy man. He didn’t take a stitch of it with him and what he left behind sparked a battle between his “heirs.”

On both sides of the hallway leading to the living room were thousands of newspapers and magazines, stacked to the ceiling. I wondered if it was too late for me. I mean, I already had the “boutique” winery, the condo in Hawaii, the wine cellar, the grand piano and pulled up at the obligatory 20-year class reunion in my new BMW. Somehow, I was missing something though. It seemed like I needed a lightning bolt to strike … it did. It was called Parkinson’s. A horrendous way to downsize. Wait, maybe not. No amount of advice from some old timer oozing with wisdom was going to affect the change that would make me a more spiritual, less material boy. I didn’t give up all of my toys … I still have my Maui “hook” and a few bottles of great wine. The next class reunion won’t be focused on BMWs , condos , etc. It will be focused on who is still alive.

February 2015

TRUE BLUE

Hello all of you jokesters, humorous humans and fellow snarks. I come to you today to speak of butchers and leashes and how they all “tie” together. I don’t know about you humans and your leashes. Quite frankly I feel they are the worst invention ever! I can’t ever seem to get one day without mine. Speaking of mine I almost had it chewed up enough to break and my humans got me a new one. It’s pretty strong and will take me awhile to chew through again so I must resort to plan B, aka “demise of the dreaded

tether.” I will find success this time. I’m highly motivated in this quest because I caught wind of a cutter of the meat, keeper of the bone, master of the grizzle while I was on my way to work on a horse farm. From what I understand certain butchers will and do pass out red meat, bones and more importantly marrow to certain dogs. I’m quite sure I am a certain dog … have you seen my eyes? They will hypnotize you ... stop you on a dime. Speaking of marrow, I do not

The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

My Aging Valentine Once again please be mine Sweet aging Valentine Our love is a heavenly catharsis Known as agape to Saul of Tarsus

www.foolishtimes.net understand why you humans discard it in the garbage and then yell at me when I dig it out. Waste not want not I say. Silly fools, why throw the best part away. So as you can see that catching wind of humans who not only don’t throw it away but give it to certain dogs has motivated me to relinquish myself of this rope that mocks me so. I used to be able to slip my collar and get away, but my humans got me one I can’t get out of … so really this is plan C. One of my plots happens in the evening. I will start to scratch at my collar and shake my neck and look at my papa with my sad, magnificent eyes in attempt to get him to take off the collar before bed … Right? Yeah and it’s working! No collar … no leash! All I hafta do now is sneak out an open door in the morning. The first morning I discovered this plan might work I was a novice … so excited of not having a rope tied to my neck … I outta walk you humans around like that …you’d be trying to get rid of it too … that I didn’t know what to do with myself and in that moment I got busted by my mama. I just slowly walked over behind the tree and pretended I was sniffing for the bathroom, looked at her and said privacy please. She finally turned her back and I slowly crept toward

the street to find this legendary marrow mecca, and my papa was standing guard in the driveway. He looked at me and said, “Where you going?” I told him I was TRYING to go meet my guy. I’m pretty sure he’s in a back alley somewhere. But alas foiled again. In learning from this mistake I will be trying to get and hide the collar next time I find myself without it at night. This should distract my humans long enough for me to sneak out. My lil’ sister goes out every morning without a collar or leash so my plan is to creep out with her. Hopefully she won’t start that incessant barking and alert them to my hatching plot. I KNOW, I KNOW this plan seems impossible! But I think not ... t he rumor I heard was followed up by a great rib bone with lots of meat and fat still on it from the nice lady on the horse farm. I got it once I can get it again. So to all you dog loving butchers out there, assassins of the bovine I am willing to trade my collar and leash for a steady supply of dead delectability. Thanks for reading. True Blue interpreted by Blue’s human, TKM

Once we ate delicious candy On this lover’s day so dandy As we start our trip on romance’s track Let’s prepare the way with a healthy snack I could court you with flowers ’til you swoon But I’d rather we share a chocolate prune And as time will tame the falls of Niag’ra So tonight we’ll scale the walls with Viagra. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

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Comedy

Interview

by Quinton Grounds and Russell Swartz We met Cory Robinson, Seaside native and local comedian, at the Blue Fin Café and Billiards. He was leaning against the bar, browsing a tablet, when we approached him. “Maybe we should go somewhere where we can hear each other,” he said, indicating the speaker directly overhead. We went downstairs to a nearby restaurant, where he joked about ordering a burger while on a diet – “I’m not exactly in NFL shape.” Robinson was born in San Francisco, but moved to Seaside

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

as a baby. He left at 17 and moved to Las Vegas, which was “depressing.” “Moving to Vegas when you’re 17 is like being at Six Flags when you’re three feet tall,” he said with a grin. He started doing comedy at 11, at his school talent show, and kept up with it throughout the Vegas years. “Up until about eight years ago, I’d been doing, like, school or trying to make it as a normal citizen. You know what I mean? Just get a job, do something. And I did comedy as a hobby”

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

My wife was in labor and I was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, I grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to calm me down, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapsesbetween the contractions?” I screamed to my wife, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TENMINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!” Submitted by a guy who carries on long conversation in the fast food drive through holding up the line of traffic.

February 2015

Who do you think is the funniest comedian? “That is not a fair question because funny is subjective. Personally, I’ve never found Seinfeld funny, but he’s one of the most successful comedians who has ever lived. I love his show, but it’s just subjective, he’s got a huge audience who thinks he’s hilarious [...] But if I had to say my favorite comedian of all time, I still can’t say just one person. I mean there’s Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, George Carlin, I like comics who tell the truth, that make you think.”

What inspired you to get into comedy? I can actually remember the moment I wanted to be a comic. I was kid and I was in Vegas because I have family out there, that was actually one of the reasons I wanted to move out there. My Uncle Willy, who has always been really witty, smart, always got jokes for people, you know. He used to drive around missiles for the Air Force, so he isn’t scared of anything. One day, I was watching and sitting in his living room, playing with my cousins, and he was there watching some HBO comedy special. Carlos Mencia said something and my Uncle just started laughing and I put twoand-two together. You could say

something to elicit a response out of people and it seemed pretty cool. That’s when I wanted to figure out how to do that myself and I just explored that technique and science.

What was your first real gig? I did a talent show when I was a kid and I won it because they didn’t have any other comics. I won by default, and after that my mother saw that I had an interest in comedy, I had a passion for it. So, she recommended me to a few people. She was a teacher and an artist, and recommended me to an art gallery that was doing a rock show. It was weird, it was this art gallery in Sand City doing this hard rock show and there was a bunch of weird little people from all walks of life. You had your hippies, your rockers, and artists all in the same building and me being the MC. That was my first real gig, I got 50 bucks and I was only 12. They loved me there and I knew I had something.

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn’t get a date.

February 2015

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Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 10

Foolish Search A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight.” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled: “The meaning of dreams.”

Answers from page 19

Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905

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HANDYMAN Bob

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10th Street Ceramics

Start the year with a fun project. Ready to paint. All ages Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com

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Award winning author can help you ﬁnd your inner writing voice. All levels welcome 831.250.5171 creativebookconcepts.com

Red’s Donuts wholesale division is accepting new locations to vend. Boost your sales with the ﬁnest and freshest donuts. Also available for fundraising. 831.236.0390 redsdonuts.com

AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium

Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of ﬁsh, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staﬀ. 831.372.3474

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

theultimateaquarium.net

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

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February 2015 Q: What do you get when you offer a Blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: Why does a Blonde change her baby’s diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman? A: You have to hollow out the head. Q: What do you call a Blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do a Blonde’s brain cells die? A: Alone. Terribly alone. Q: What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call it when a Blonde dies her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why do Blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because silly, that’s where you’re SUPPOSED to wash vegetables! Q: Why do Blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: Why is it good to have a Blonde passenger? A: So you can park in the handicap zone Q: What was the Blonde psychic’s greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! Q: Why should Blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9. Q: Why don’t Blondes eat Jello? A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Blonde’s head? A: A Space Invader. Q: What’s a Blonde’s favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: What do you call a Blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.

Q: Why don’t Blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can’t get their head into the jar.

Q: How did the Blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do Blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What’s black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A Blonde electrician.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: What do you call a brunette with a Blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a Blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What did the Blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)? A: “’Debbie’...that’s cute. What did you name the other one?” Q: What do you call 15 Blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why do Blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What did the Blonde say to the physicist? A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?” Q: What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year’s hide and seek champ. Q: What’s the difference between a Blonde and a shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: What goes VROOM,SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM? A: A Blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: Did you hear about the Blonde couple that were found frozen in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see ‘Closed for the Winter’.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How do you confuse a Blonde? A: You don’t. They’re born that way. Q: How did the Blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q: How can you tell if a Blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. Q: Why do Blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: Why don’t Blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: What does a Blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: Why did the Blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the Blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the Blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: What are the worst six years in a Blonde’s life? A: Third Grade. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 Blondes. Q: Why is the Blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.

February 2015

Every Friday & Saturday In February

www.foolishtimes.net

February 6

February 20

First Friday Art Walk

Wine and Chocolate

Monterey’s #1 comedy spot featuring local and nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com

The beauty of this great event is you get to witness so many types of art while walking around historic Oldtown Salinas. www.artistasunidos.org

Ongoing through May 4

February 6

10th annual event celebrates a Decade of Delicious Decadence with local wine and way too much chocolate. More fun than anyone should be allowed to have in a Library! www.mplfriends.com

YAC at MMA

Larry Wilde

YAC celebrates 15 years with a collection of work by 30 alums and mentors. www.yacstudios.org

Happy 87th Birthday to our favorite funny guy. www.larrywilde.com

Planet Gemini

February 14

St. Valentine’s Day On this day, a little guy in a pink loincloth flies around shooting arrows at our heart. Who is issuing these types of hunting licenses? Love is a funny thing. February 14

River Road Wine Trail February 9-15 February 2

Groundhog Day 28% of the time Punxsutawney Phil predicts the arrival of Spring correctly. Jim and Norm have a better record that that! www.groundhog.org

AT&T National Pro-Am In 1937, Bing Crosby invited a group of friends to come together for some golf, a clambake and to raise money for local charities. The rest is history. www.attpbgolf.com

Passport event featuring 10 artisan wineries. Share the love, food and wine along the Santa Lucia Highlands. riverroadwinetrail.com

February 27

The Academy Awards The origin of the name of the statue, Oscar is debatable. Some credit Hollywood gossip columnist Sidney Skolsky naming it from on old vaudeville joke, “Have a cigar, Oscar?” Walt Disney called it “Oscar” in his thank-you speech in 1933 which was the very first time the award had been called that publicly. February 28

February 15

Brian Regan February 12-14 February 5

Lewis Black A comic genius who seems easily irritated and angry while making compelling points about the absurdity of our world. He yells, you laugh. goldenstatetheatre.com

The Vagina Monologues A funny and moving collection of tales give voice to a chorus of lusty, brave and thoughtfully human stories. worldtheater.csumb.edu

His off-center self-deprecating humor focuses on everyday events. Who thought shipping a package with UPS or visiting the optometrist could be funny! goldenstatetheatre.com

Margarita Mania Tequila is the active ingredient in a margarita. There will be plenty of that along with food and music by the Chicano All Stars. montereycountyfair.com

February 2015

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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

SPCA Benefit Shop

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

John's Consignment & Home Decore

Second Chance

Branches Resale Shoppe

NCI Affiliates, Inc.

THE

110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899

RESALE

www.nciaffiliates.org

TRAIL

Ash Resale â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Finders Keepers

8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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Featured Shop 3rd Annual Jewelry & Fashion Showcase. February 6-7 Fantastic jewelry at great low prices Don't miss it!