August 2013
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August 2013
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Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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August 2013
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." A. Karl Marx B. Groucho Marx 2. "A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station." A. Bill Cosby B. Socrates 3. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." A. Isaac Asimov B. Britney Spears 4. "If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." A. Confucius B. Tallulah Bankhead 5. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." A. George Washington B. Miss Piggy 6. "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." A. Woody Allen B. Barack Obama 7. "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." A. P. J. O'Rourke B. Thomas Jefferson 8. “Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.” A. Tutankhamun B. H.L. Mencken Answers (all true): 1-B, 2-A, 3-A, 4-B, 5-B, 6-A, 7-A, 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8: Insane, 5-6: Sleepy, 3-4: Lucid, 1-2: Sinister, 0: Polite Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
Never Date a Dispatcher BY REX KEYES In 1980 the owner of Gem State Airlines decided to move his airline from Idaho to Monterey. The airline was a mix of many types of large and small propeller aircraft. Approximately several hundred employees descended onto the local area and the airline was renamed “Golden Gate Airlines.” The average age group of its employees was the late 20s and 30s. Residents of Monterey now had an airline in their back yard in which many flights were opened up to places not previously offered; example, Monterey direct San Jose, then direct Sacramento.
“What the other pilots learned from his experiences was to never date a dispatcher.” With the employees being so young the social aspects would have made good programming in today ’s reality T V. But in those days it was more like the old T V series, “As The World Turns.” There was one First Officer (co-pilot) that would always relate his woes of dating a girl in dispatch. He was used to dating different women without the others knowing it. But his antics came to a screeching halt with this new girlfriend. All we could do was listen to his stories and tr y to keep from laughing. What the other pilots learned from his experiences was to never date a dispatcher.
A dispatcher is a person who has access to the names of the crew of ever y plane that is flying, the time they takeoff and land, the hotel, phone number and room that the crew stays in and their report time at outstations. Crews, when they overnight at an outstation, sometimes go out for dinner together or have a couple of drinks at the local hangout. His dispatcher girlfriend would call his room and if he did not answer the phone she would call back later. He could not stay out late without her knowing. If he went out with the crew, she knew the flight attendants and later could find out (Golden Gate being a small airline) if any hanky panky was going on. Our poor First Officer had to walk a straight line for once in his life. There was an old song, “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do,” and if that song applied to anyone, it was meant for him. The First Officer was at a loss of, if or how to break up with her. Dispatch and scheduling were in the same building and his girlfriend knew ever yone from scheduling. If he broke up with her he might get the schedule from hell flying back and forth to Bakersfield week after week. Not to mention that if a flight attendant dated him, she might also suffer the same fate. Fortunately his problem was solved when the airline declared bankruptcy and everyone went their separate ways. Who knows though, he may still be with her to this ver y day.
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August 2013
CAFÉ DEL MONTE CAFÉ
Great Breakfast and Lunch; Burgers made to order, Homemade omelets, benedicts with the best hollandaise sauce around! Daily Specials. Open Daily 7am-3pm
1642 Del Monte, Seaside
831.394.7851
CHINESE JIM'S RESTAURANT
"LOTS OF FOOD FOR SO LITTLE MONEY" Dine in and take out. Voted one of the 100 Best Chinese Restaurants in America. Over 160 items under $10.00. Hours: Mon-Sat 11-9, Sun 12-9.
1584 Del Monte, Seaside
831.394.5117
CREPES MONTEREY CREPE CO.
Sweet & Savory Artisan Crepes, European street food at its best, two locations.
601 Wave St., Monterey 321 Alvarado St., Monterey
831.373.4646
montereycrepecompany.com
DONUTS RED'S DONUTS
Monday & Tuesday, A dozen Donuts $5.00, Open 7 days
433 Alvarado, Open at 6:30am 1646 Fremont, Seaside, Open at 4am
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ITALIAN RESTAURANTS LA DOLCE VITA
AUGUST SPECIAL Salad, main course, Desert glass of wine $18.00
5th Ave. between San Carlos & Dolores,
Carmel-By-The-Sea
831.624.3667
MEDITERRANEAN
MIDDLE EASTERN MAHA’S CUISINE
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470 Alvarado St., Monterey
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CROWN AND ANCHOR
Downtown Monterey. Delicious selection of rich, homemade gelatos, Greek gyros, fresh baklava. www.kokosmonterey.com FREE APPETIZER WITH ANY PLATTER
831.375.3777
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419 Alvarado St., Monterey
MUNDOS CAFE
Open Mon. - Fri. 10:00am – 5:30pm, Sat. & Sun. 10:00am - 4:00pm. Great Sandwiches, Quesadillas, Lattes, Cappuccinos. Drive Thru available. Call ahead and use our Drive-thru window.
233 N. Fremont, Monterey
Relax and enjoy one of our 20 international beers on tap. Order a cocktail, try a glass of our excellent California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.
KOKO'S CAFE
SANDWICH SHOP
831.372.8999
DUFFY’S TAVERN
150 W. Franklin St. (across from Marriott) www.crownandanchor.net
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831.656.9244
TRAILSIDE CAFÉ & COFFEE HOUSE
Enjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coffee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay, Heated Patio.
550 Wave St. (lower level), Monterey
831-649-8600
www.trailsidecafe.com
MEXICAN FOOD MANDO'S
Casual Mexican and American Cuisine Flamenco dancers starting Feb. 17th and every third Sunday thereafter $12.00 includes all you can eat buffet and soft drinks.
162 Fountain Ave. Pacific Grove, CA 93950
831-656-9235
Duffy's Tavern To advertise your restaurant, call 648-1038 www.foolishtimes.net
Happy Hour Specials Everyday
282 High Street, Monterey
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August 2013
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August 2013
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August 2013
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times. FATHER SON TIME A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." LIFE’S A BEACH One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. " And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
FOOLISH POETRY Braise Slowly Add Butter By Jeff Dubin Braise slowly add butter How fine is the mince? Where is the marrow, Sliced mushrooms and quince? Braise slowly add butter With veal stock and white wine, Add half cup of puree Pound anchovies fine Braise slowly add butter Steam potatoes then rice Broil tomatoes, cool, peel them Same with peppers, if you like Braise slowly add butter Cut gizzards in two Stew tender save liquor Then thicken with roux Braise slowly add butter Then rub through a sieve Add half teaspoon white pepper Now glaze suckling pig Braise slowly add butter Boil eels and then strain Reduce to one half, Then reduce once again Now finish, add butter And serve in hot bowls Goes well with wild game birds Or pickled unknowns!
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August 2013
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BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: foolsholiday@live.com
Aries - March 21 - April 19 It’s a Dog Day afternoon at work … this waiting around is stifling your excitement - like being held hostage! Rendezvous at the water cooler with “you know who;” this may imbibe just the right melodrama to shake things up a bit. Just don’t get your finger stuck in the spout, it is a loaded gun. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 You detest change! Consider it as cultivating soil instead. Mixing in fresh new seeds to your already abundant pile of manure will ensure new growth. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 Hot time! Summer in the city, you make the heat look real pretty.You meet strangers at a concert or a street, and you entreat poetry from their smelly feet, transforming their idol chatter into a mystifying prose without ever turning your nose or using the hose. What you can do with winter sleet, I wonder. Cancer - June 21 - July 22 Call upon your inner SAGE! Have your road rage take a back seat. You are an average commuter simply longing for the beach! Besides the fact that your hidden anger is remodeling your insides and melting the upholstery, you still do not deserve that ticket! Especially when you were going so slowly and carefully over the road, kill, thrice!
Denebola “the tail of the lion.” Wring it and fluff that mane vane! 43 light young years away! Happy Birthday! Virgo - August 23 - Sept. 22 Dog days of summer — no need to be a bummer! All that pushing back has shoved you right into the corner with Horner. What should have been a four-hour bank robbery turned into a 12-hour hostage therapy tirade with you purging about how you can’t get your thumb out of your ass ... when are you going to love thyself, as is? (You will need to return the stapler though - go on). Libra - Sept. 23 - October 22 The headlines read, “Libra Licks clean in low self-esteem!” You have finally realized yours truly is yours truest. (Your tongue too). Resurrect your steamy sultry self-romance ... you will have to; everyone is gone after your last narcissistic tirade. Roamie the pet hamster might oblige.
Capricorn - Dec. 22 - January 19 With the Sun and the Dog Star soon dancing, the Earth becomes hotter and you shine! Not just from perspiring but from your loyalty to others, as loyal as humor serves to resolve Mona Lisa’s trepid smile. Nice! Aquarius - Jan. 23 - February 18 Shy and insecure the emperors were ... Yet, they all wanted their own months for f%#k sake! Think if March was called Commodus or Elagabalus! Thanks to Bill the Conqueror, an
Aquarian himself, replaced Weodmono, which meant “month of weeds” with the fair name AUGUST! We all have to start somewhere. Inquire on Aquari-on! Pisces - Feb. 19 - March 20 Deep-sea diver, swerve down into the vortex of cool mystics ... take off those rose-colored glasses so you can entwine with the divine. I understand reality can be realistic, that is unnerving. I can dig it. Nevertheless, you truly are one tough triggerfish and I do see you being pleasantly surprised at what buried treasures you will find. Just watch out for the nylon fish net ...
Scorpio - October 23 - Nov. 21 Augustus Roman Emperor and his Unkie Julius Caesar spent many days in the broiling heat. Generally, they found relief through others detriment, but other times they found ways to put their noggins together and directed their fighting energy into positive goals! The Togas helped. Purchase the gauzy kind – ventilates the prick-lee heathen heat.
Leo - July 23 - August 22
Sagittarius - Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Are you SIRIUS?! Flout the brightest star in the night sky! Your pride may have your hide! You cannot always be the ONE. Plus, you have your own star
Tomorrow is another ... sweltering eight-hour day! Count ‘em babe... OCHO. How optimistic do you feel now? How fresh are your under-
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wares? This is only a test, a test of the No bargaining for ulterior reality ... test. Hang in there - Saturn abides dude.
Airport Shuttle Serving SFO, SJC and Monterey Airport
PSC 1620
See our schedule at www.montereyairbus.com
August 2013
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
Home Delivery Grass Fed Certified Angus Beef Full Meat & Produce Departments Specialty Items on Demand
15 Soledad Drive MONTEREY 831.373.3737
What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper! What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? It gets wet! What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill! What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? A zebra caught in a revolving door! What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? A panda bear rolling down a hill! What is black and white and red all over? A panda bear with a sunburn!
Answers on Page 20
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An English Decomposition BY MARY TOMPSETT
Dang, what is that word? Starts with an A… ooh…I got it, adipocere! (Say ADD-uh-po-SEER.) If you want a unique baby name, consider Adipocere. It’s French and sounds classy, ouí? A side note here—and forgive the mini-rant—this whole frenzy for “special” baby names is pristine silliness, although if I were drunk I’d definitely name a kid Pristine. Do people really believe that an unusual name will magically imbue their child with the self-esteem and confidence otherwise unachievable because of their abysmal parenting skills? Furthermore, if you want unusual, go Boomer. Do you know any kids named John, Bob, Linda, or Sue and spelled that way? I rest my case. Further furthermore, for a truly memorable name, head for the Periodic Table of Elements. (I wrote
about this once but was neither paid for the article nor awarded the Nobel Prize in Science. It’s still painful.) However, the lack of anonymity will suck for any kid who eventually lands his ass in AA with a name like Ununpentium, or even Tin. Back to Adipocere. The name would be odd until puberty, and then it sounds vaguely sexy, like an exotic body waxing option. Speaking of wax, adipocere is actually the waxy “preserved” appearance of a corpse during anaerobic decomposition. Ergo, we sinners who want to look saintly after death should never skimp on the casket seal. Speaking of corpse-like personalities, this appeared in a local advice column: “I’m a 30-year-old man and can’t find a woman to have sex with me. I’ve been totally INCEL, or involuntarily celibate, for over 10 years. Help!” Okey dokey. God may help those who help themselves, but with whiners I bet her finger’s on the
SMITE key. So I took this “no sex” problem to my weekly staff meeting with the voices in my head. As usual, a fist fight broke out, but here’s an excerpt from the meeting minutes.
"We sinners who want to look saintly after death should never skimp on the casket seal." Satanic Voice with Lisp: Inthel = thelibathy?? Ith not a brand of computer? Thilly me, no wonder I’m not gettin’ any. Voice of Hillbilly Angel: Ten years ain’t nuthin’! What a crybaby! Are y’all too damn cheap to pay for them carnals? Voice of Receptionist in Purgatory: Try the local petting zoo to meet attractive llamas, goats and ponies eager for whatever it is you’re eagering for. I know a few of them are frequent fliers because
I’ve seen them sharing a post-coital smoke when I’ve stopped, er, driven by. (End of meeting minutes.) One last thing. Have you noticed that cops in American crime stories are surly and not as polite as those in Britain? For instance, British Officer #1 remarks, “Ooh, I dare say, ‘twas a bit of a nasty beheading there, righto? You look pale as a baby’s bum. Care to stop for tea and a scone, mate?” Officer #2 replies, “Jolly good. And indeed I’m pale, but it’s exhaustion. I finally nabbed a woman who’ll have sex with my sorry self, and I’m tuckered out. Lovely gal, an American. Her name is Adipocere.” © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www. booklocker.com
August 2013
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The one and only Monterey Bay Area Certified Green auto body
Offers Expire 12-31-2013
Offers Expire 12-31-2013
831-373-1534 Open Monday - Friday 7:30am - 5:30pm 234 Ramona Ave. Monterey • www.roberts-autorepair.com
Monterey Outdoor Market Community Farmers Market & Yard Sale Your one-stop yard sale shop!
Free AdMissiOn Free Booth Space for Local Certified Farmers & Sellers
(Other Vendors $10 - Buy your space the same day at entrance)
• Fresh Produce • • Food Booths • • new & Used Merchandise •
Open Mondays 9AM-6PM
2004 Fairground rd. Monterey, CA 93940 - Gate 7
At the Monterey Fairgrounds www.foolishtimes.net
We will be closed from August 26 - September 23 We will re-open September 30 - December 30 at Gate 8
Downtown Monterey We’re Green!
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Summer Hours 4-7pm See ya there!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Focusing on Your Goals and Exceeding Your Expectations Learn the truth about Reverse Mortgages from a local Certified Senior Advisor®. Call for your copy of “Giving the Gift of Financial Freedom”, an easy to understand booklet clarifying and demystifying Reverse Mortgages.
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Jewelry and Watch Repair We Buy Gold & Diamonds over 1ct and Pay Top Dollar!
Large Selection of Estate Jewelry and Watches 18k Gold Rolex
*Regularly $7.00 Doz. / Offer expires 8.31.13
831-372-5186
Emerald & Diamond Ring
188 Webster St. Monterey Mon-Fri: 10-5 Saturday: 10-4
August 2013
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Monterey’s Fish House Lunch Monday-Friday 11:30am-2:30pm Dinner 5:00pm-9:30pm Daily 2114 Del Monte Ave Monterey, CA 93940
(831) 373-4647
“Lebanese Cuisine from and for the Heart” Friendly Family Atmosphere Falafel • Beef, Chicken & Lamb Shawerma • Stuffed Bell Pepper Chicken, Beef & Kafta Kebobs • Rich Vegetarian & Vegan’s dishes
Buy 1 Meal Get 50% off Second Meal of Equal or Lesser Value
CateRing: in Your home or small parties here at Maha’s LUnCH & DinneR Open Daily 11:00aM till close
831-372-8999 470 Alvarado Street, Monterey
NEw LUNCH BUFFEt
11am to 2 pm Everyday $9.95 offering
over 20 different meat & vegan dishes
Voted Monterey Peninsula Travel Planner Best Value The Lone Oak Lodge in Monterey
Internet Specials at www.LoneOakLodge.com 2221 N. Fremont St., Monterey, CA
800.283.5663
THE
CROWN AND ANCHOR BRITISH PUB AND RESTAURANT
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The Crown and Anchor is a must for tourists and locals alike when visiting Historic Old Monterey. Pop in and soak in the ambiance of a true British Pub and Restaurant. Lunch & Dinner Served All Day • Full Menu Served Until Midnight Children’s Menu • Heated Full-Service Patio • Full Bar Including Single-Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday • British Owned and Operated
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Come in to Gasper’s Jewelers to see the new collection of Sterling Silver from Italy Your Premiere Jeweler on The Monterey Peninsula
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831.375.5332
www.gaspersjewelers.com
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August 2013
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Expires 2012 ExpiresFebruary August 31,29, 2013
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August 2013
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Hot August Nights WITHDRAWAL ERROR A man walked into a downtown bank and on a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller.
Answers on Page 20
So, the criminal left the first bank and walked across to a different bank. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
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She told him that since his note was written on a different bank’s deposit slip she could not honor his demand. He would either have to fill out a withdrawal slip for the bank he was in or go back to the other bank. Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at first bank.
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August 2013
QUOTE
The Battle of the Bench
BY TOM BURNS It was a typical gray, cold, dreary, grim, dull, gloomy, ashen, moist summer day in Monterey. “Hey, Rex. Wake up. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning! Let’s go have some fun!” Rex cracked an eye open as he lay on the hammock. He did not share my rosy, sunny disposition. Rex had the summer bummers. “Okay, pal. We need to get you in some sun. Let’s out to Carmel Valley and get the chill out of your bones.” Rex wagged his tail. Why, I don’t know as he has a very limited grasp of the English language. I packed a couple of sandwiches for us. I made a PBJ for me and a nice jalapeño-baloney sandwich for Rexie. (Peanut butter sticks to the roof of his mouth and he finds it to be a challenge to clear his oral cavity of peanut butter.) We hopped in the truck and headed out toward Garland Park. “Okay, man’s best friend, let’s go for a nice hike!” Rex took exception to me indicating we were going for a hike and gave me “the look.” “Okay, okay, we’ll go for a walk, not a hike.” The tail wagged in having me settle for a walk, and not a full-fledged hike. Our first course of business though, was having lunch. We found and “occupied” a picnic table near the Park nature center. I refer to “occupied” a picnic table for the following reason: as I sat centered with my sandwich on the table top, Rex sat on the bench at my side, mauling his baloney sandwich. A woman approached and sat down at our table and proceeded to eat her lunch. Not a word was said
between us. The only sound: me slurping a PBJ, Rex munching his jalapeño-baloney sandwich, and the interloping woman masticating her cottage cheese and pineapple salad.
“I made a PBJ for me and a nice jalapeño-baloney sandwich for Rexie.” Without warning, she pushed Rex over against me, freeing up a larger portion of “bench space” for herself. Quite taken aback by her rude maneuver, I did the only logical thing that came to mind. I shoved Rex across the bench, up against her hip. Rex was now taken aback by
my maneuver, as was the woman interloper. Rex looked at me, then her, then me again. I paid no attention to them. I gazed out over the stunning sunny view of rugged mountains and some little hottie approaching, wearing cut-off denim short-shorts and a very flimsy, undulating halter top. God, I love nature. Rex crept back toward me, freeing up the maniacal, childish woman’s precious bench space. I had been tempted to stick my tongue out at her, or give her the raspberries, but she would have retorted with some outlandish retaliatory stunt. I sat Rex on the tabletop, near her salad, and began to sing, “It’s A Small World” in a rather loud
OF THE MONTH BY BINI The importance of being foolish is to know which programmed scheme with familiar sequence of rules, kills your imagination! Run!
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August 2013
Who Rescued Whom? BY ROSIE SORENSON You know you’re getting old when you want to slap a young person for saying, “Me and her went to the mall.” Or when you get riled up because a friend who knows you rescue cats gives you a large paw-print magnet with the words printed on it: “Who Rescued Who?” You stare at the magnet, it’s cute and thoughtful, but you can’t help hearing your fourth grade teacher Mrs. Meyer’s melodious voice in your head, crying, “No, no. It’s supposed to be “Who Rescued Whom?” Well, of course it is. What’s this world coming to? Let’s face it – Proper Grammar is the last refuge of Geezers. Dammit, we know what’s right! I may not know how to hack into the NSA computers but I can diagram the hell out of this sentence. In my day, a hush of reverence enveloped the diagramming of an English sentence. Why, if you could diagram, you could conquer the world! Whenever Mrs. Youngberg, my seventh-grade English teacher, sought a volunteer to diagram a particular sentence on the blackboard, I would thrust up my hand and walk quickly to the front of the class. Grabbing the chalk, my hands a flurry of anticipation, I’d diagram the s u b j e c t / p re d i c a te / n o u n / ve r b / adverb/adjective, just-like-that. I Am Diagrammer, Hear Me Roar! In my bones, I know that this is
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THE right way to understand a sentence, so you can imagine my consternation when Steve, my live-in linguist, casually mentions to me over lunch that those beloved Reed Kellogg diagrams are passé, that “they don’t represent the language as it really is.” “Syntactic trees,” he says in his most professorial tone, “are the only way to provide a visual representation of the underlying structure of a sentence.” He takes a sip of Earl Grey.
“Let’s face it – Proper Grammar is the last refuge of Geezers.” “Balderdash!” I cry in churlish response and fiddle with my spoon. “Well, you can say ‘Balderdash’ all you like, but it’s true. A syntactic tree shows the hierarchical relationships that take place between the constituents of a sentence. The old diagrams just don’t.” “What do your poor students think about this?” I say, leaning back in my chair. Steve teaches in the TESOL ( Teaching English as a Second Language) program at a local university. Linguistics is one of the required courses. “ They get all nostalgic and defensive about the Old Way,” he says and reaches for a scone. “Well, of course. They think they’re special because they were the big dogs of diagramming in their day. But you come along with your fancy-
pants syntactic trees and tell them that everything they have believed all their lives is wrong.” “ That’s right,” he says. “Can’t you see how this undermines their entire world view? I mean, if they were wrong about diagramming, what else might they be wrong about? It’s too much to bear.” We stare at each other across the kitchen table. “ They hate you, don’t they?” I say. “Afraid so.” “You know what you are? You’re the Grammatical Anti-Christ!” “Yes. But what they hate more than anything is that I have fun with this stuff.” “Well,” I say, standing up and planting my hands on my hips. “On behalf of all your students, I feel compelled to say: How ‘bout you take your syntactic trees and shove ‘em! We know what we know, and no one’s going to take our sacred diagrams away from us, you hear?” Call me juvenile, but someone’s got to hold the line.
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Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.
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continued from page 16 - Rex timber, hoping she would leave. The approaching hottie heard my singing and diverted her approach course, which had been on runway Tom for a while. She vectored off to another flight plan, leaving me alone with a dog and a very immature woman, and me singing “It’s A Small World” to get back at the childish hag. I surreptitiously kicked a little gravel at her hiking boots, too. With little notice, the crazy woman ushered her lunch things into her backpack, and left. Rex and I had the whole picnic table to ourselves. The hottie chatted flirtingly with a ranger. She giggled and flipped up her long blonde hair.
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Next she would probably ask the ranger to check her whole body for ticks or God knows what. Another prospective date possibility down the drain. Rex licked his chops, savoring the last of the Miracle Whip and Dijon mustard. The last vestiges of the crazy lady vanished into the Park nature center to annoy someone new. Glad I have Rexie as a friend—this world is so full of immature, passive-aggressive nut cases.
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Rex and Tom can be reached at burns100@earthlink.net
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B.B.Q.
FOOLISH FUNNIES
DIAGNOSIS "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." 51 DAYS A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
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chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting
and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together ‌ the side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" POLICE LOG Lydia: Any cops following us? Mary: Yea. I see some following us now! Lydia: Oh, no! Are his flashers on? Mary: Yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup.... LIGHTS ON, NOBODY’S HOME A blonde and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along
August 2013
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the river. The blonde walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flashlight across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back. "She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
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August 2013
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