August 2014
We Are Pedal Powered!
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August 2014
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CARBON FOOTPRINT W
e at Foolish Times believe that making friends is by far easier and more productive than creating enemies. We also feel the need to find ways to reduce waste and limit our carbon footprint. An easy way to reduce is to drive less. This month’s issue starts the beginning of a great thing here in Monterey County. Foolish Times joins a small elite group of newspapers around the country that is delivered by a professional bicycle courier company. By having Green Pedal Couriers deliver Foolish Times by bike, we will be burning less fuel, releasing fewer emissions into the atmosphere, saving time, not congesting our roadways and executing a great idea.
Look at the four minute mile. No one ever though this could be done until Roger Bannister did it in 1954. Part of his training was to visualize this great feat. What we see in our minds we can train ourselves to execute. So who are these incredible people who ride their bikes delivering documents between offices, medical specimens to labs, food from restaurants, hang event posters around town and offer bike valet at most events? Green Pedal Couriers is an award-winning enterprise of super local bike enthusiast Mike Baroni. While most thought this idea wouldn’t work in our small market, he has proven his skeptics wrong. With a dedicated group of bike riders, Green Peddle Couriers has a 100 percent reliability rating for
deliveries of up to 400 pounds. Comcast internet can’t compete with that reliability! What does this mean to Monterey County? Our first delivery area sampling is a five mile radius around Old Monterey Business Association, the wharf and part of Del Monte Avenue. We will be scientifically tracking our carbon footprint, time saved and a few other
criteria and reporting it in next month’s issue on our new and improved website. Foolish Times, in tribute to Roger Bannister and everyone who can visualize and execute sings the great words of John Lennon, “You can say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you will join us and the world will be as one.” See you in September.
August 2014
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
The human race, when did the race start? Was I even on the starting line? Is this an extension of Laurel and Hardy’s Who’s on First comedy routine! So we go on, and on and on. In our linear day of 24 hours do we ever take the time to ponder where we are in this race we call life? Did I pass any check points yet? How far have I gone and where exactly is the finish line? Is it cool to run behind a tree and take a whiz? Is it acceptable to gloat that this is probably the only advantage men have over women or do I break down and cry over this realization? I know Who’s on first and What’s his name in on second. Sitting here writing this makes me aware that I don’t know is on third.
This month we kick-off our commitment to being foolishly green. That’s not right, being green isn’t foolish … hmmm, being greenly foolish; not right either. Oh well, this much I know, it’s the right thing to do nowadays. We welcome Green Pedal Couriers to the Foolish Times family and are happy to have them on board. Actually, we’re on board with them – oh my, am I confusing you, ‘cuz I’m confusing myself. What I do know is that they’ll be pedaling around town, dropping off papers and we’re foolishly happy! Good people, good idea and great implementation. A win! We have a couple of new cartoons from our young friends at YAC. Amazing talent and funny perspective. Another win! Don’t let summer pass you by – get outside! With Foolish Times, of course.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood, Leda Annest, Daria James, Rosie Sorenson, Cody Moore, Rose
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August 2014
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Super Summer
Specials
Married Four Times The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now - in her 80s - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A Perfect Marriage? A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each
other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.” The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. “Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
Chaos in the Kitchen A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
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Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be Careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt. Use the salt.” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Check it Out A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady
following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award–winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf, Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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August 2014
Learning to Laugh at our Shortcomings
L
earning to laugh at our imperfections takes the sting out of our insecurities. Whatever our perceived shortcomings - age, baldness, weight - learning to laugh about them diminishes their negative effect. One sure method of achieving this goal is a selfmocking quip. Here are some that I’ve collected: • The overweight woman who said, “Im not fat, I’m just three feet too short.” • A short fella who said, “I may be a little guy but I save a lot of money. I walk under turnstiles.” • The senior who said, “As I get older I’m finding that either my eyes are getting bad or my arms are too short.” • The bald guy who said, “Haven’t I got a beautiful head of skin?” and, • “God made a lot of heads, and those he was ashamed of he covered up with hair.” It isn’t necessary to constantly put yourself down but selfdeprecating humor shows that you’re self-confident.
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You know what else it does? It keeps you from taking yourself too seriously and makes dealing with others easier. The networking grandmaster, Harvey Mackay, in his book Dig Your Well Before You’re Thirsty describes a meeting with boxing great Muhammad Ali. The champ had been suffering from Parkinson’s, a debilitating disease. Yet he still managed to exhibit a sense of humor and poke fun at himself. “I was ushered into the champ’s office,” writes Mackay. “Muhammad rose from behind the desk to shake my hand. ‘Hi,’ he whispered, ‘I’m Joe Frazier.’” Several years ago I volunteered to be a Greeter at the AT&T Golf Tournament in Pebble Beach. My assignment was to stand at the entrance of the Corporate Tents and welcome the VIPs and CEOs, then direct them to the spot their company had purchased (for $100,000) to sponsor the event. This sincere charitable contribution gave them the divine right to sit at a special table and devour all the cheese and crackers with all the booze they could consume - for free.
One afternoon, Jack Nicklaus showed up. We shook hands, chatted a bit about his incredible career and then I escorted the great golfer to his table. That night I called a golfing buddy and described my meeting with Nicklaus. Then I proudly boasted that he had actually invited me to play golf with him next December. My friend shouted excitedly, “Are you kidding?” I replied, “No! It’s true. Nicklaus said it would be a cold day when he’d play golf with me.” I don’t really mind poking fun at myself. It seems that my lack of expertise on the golf links is always good for some chuckles. If the subject ever comes up I simply say with profound pride, “I’ve been playing golf for more than 30 years. Unfortunately, not very well. But
last week I got the best score I ever had: 132. “For nine holes ... and I cheated.” Well, I guess that’s why I’m officially known as the worst golfer in Northern California.
Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes . . . use birth control.
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August 2014
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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram One of these mornings you will rise up and admit you’re happy! You will spread your flings to the sky and bid all that clinging goodbye. You can finally finish what you started … growing up. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 The Bull Picaroon! You are an avid collector of fine valuables.Your piracy may be hindered by thick and swampy summer heat. A shady character, such as a tree will give you some reprieve. Make sure to leave a token of thanks in the unspoken tree hollow, and soon you will find the key. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 The Twins Gemmy you are knowingly Mercurial! You must foresee your overture’s superficiality. Adagio is the elixir for introducing life’s muddiest berceuses. Every note sinks and every rest drinks to evoke the murmurs of the heart’s wrenching & delicious realities. Otherwise it’s a crap game, and you know how fickle that wizard of odds can be. Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab Reason why you never feels secure enough is ‘cause you ain’t. It’s a long pull before you believe steamed heat can’t harm you. You is free as you wanna be, now go on and find where the livin’ is easy... Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion My-My, Pride is your achilles heel! A small but fatal weakness.Your wreathed mane is resembling an arrogant cabbage which is now blocking everyone’s view in this great arena of life! Augustus the Great was great because of his humility. (His healthy pair of badunga dangles
helped of course.) Swallow your pride or be cast aside like an alleycat! Happy B-day pussy... Virgo - August 23 - September 22 The Virgin It ain’t necessarily so! You say you’re not upset, but you is. Indulging in self-deceit is sinful. You oughta decide if you’re going to be a pot of jam or an apostle of change. Otherwise a fossil of the deranged might be arranged. Libra - September 23 - October 22 The Scales Your Mama is good looking and your Papa is rich! A good start since relationships are your metier. But what if Mama was butt ugly and your Papa is really your Unkie and a poh fool?! Still balancing with grace and charm? Take real energy and put it into serving humanity and then you can be a true celebrity. Scorpio - October 23 - November 21 the Scorpion A picnic in full swing and you chug in as a dancing danger! Wow! And with rhythmic footsteps that can make a choo-choo jump its tracks! Dat’s what you do! Now that you have successfully derailed any chance of intimacy with your milieu, watch out for flying glass! You is … who you is, a tad brass. Sagittarius - November 22 December 21 the Archer Is there a doctor in the house?? SAG has an element of doubt? Unheard of! Summertime and the living is squeezing you, all Cobralike and such. Staying huddled in incoherency ain’t gonna bring you no new rich dime. Chime in your gift of providence to hear that creaking door opening to Lady Luck--Oil them hinges!
Capricorn - December 22 January 19 The Goat No concealin’ you are a sober and gloomy potion. Darn truth is Cappy, you’re not settling arguments. Marrying perhaps for money and prestige has only returned to you limited intrigue and oceans of fatigue. Speak up or forever hold your piece because “they” are coming to Bart you away to the isle of misfit goats. Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier Porky & Bess-amel sauce don’t makes you sporty. I understand that boredom is a communicable disease in your book of fables, but you must rise like a hot biscuit from the dinner table before you create a kinship with
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By Bini
the Hindenburg. Imagine differently that peace is deeply thrilling. I know of a balmy summer breeze that can blow you away. Pisces - February 19 - March 20 The Fishes Prodigious PI you have bounced back like a rubber bathtub toy! You are jumping and the struttin’ is high. You create a special kind of magic so that everyone wants to see through your rose colored glasses. Do give them away - you won’t get laid, no fantasy arcade. Reality is, they will purchase tickets for this piece of work, namely you.
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
I
Wild Cows
f you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let mommy sleep! Was my mother’s motto when I was a child. I grew up in Sonora, Mexico in a blue collar neighborhood although, I do not remember anything being blue. But I do remember a lot of dirt roads, old cars, dogs on the streets, and standing in line to buy tortillas and being known as poor by the people that did not live in the neighborhood. I have come a long way, across an international border (which I crossed legally!) to get to where I am. Today I am the mother of a beautiful girl; I take care of her,
feed her, buy her clothes, shoes, and make sure she takes a few naps once in a while. But we also have a lot of fun. I chase her around for no reason while she laughs, build sand castles, play ball and hide and seek. I’m still trying to figure out her attraction to watching freaking Dora the Explorer. Her childhood is so different than mine, she is happy and I am a part of that. What happened to the days where a parent’s job was to feed the kids and make sure they didn’t kill themselves by jumping off the roof into a pile of sand?! (been there, done that, grounded) The only times I was talked to by my mom was when it was time to eat, I had
chores to do, or when she would give me “the talk” before spanking my misbehaved butt. My daughter would not last a day in my childhood; I guess it’s the circle of life. My grandmother would tell me stories about how she had to haul cows and goats to the river to eat grass. I wouldn’t last a day in her childhood. I had an encounter with a cow once; she was not cooked, but rather raw and totally attacked me. Wild cows are dangerous I tell you, I apologize, I derailed. Like when a cow head-
butted me on my way home. Being a modern mother is a challenging task, I want to help my daughter grow up to be a strong independent woman; I want her to have all the things I never had. I am also moving in with her, that is my Mexican retirement plan
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence . . . a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
August 2014
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net
Hangin’ Around
A Classic
Joe Bob, John Boy and Bubba were moving furniture. While Joe Bob and John Boy were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Joe Bob noticed that Bubba was nowhere in sight. “John Boy, where’s Bubba?” asked Joe Bob. “He should be helping us with this thing.” “He is helping,” said John Boy. “He’s inside holding the clothes hangers in place!”
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner.”
Freezer Burn Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a
The Numbers Don’t Lie Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the miracle products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?” Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; and your figure, 25.” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hey, wait a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
conversation. “How did you die?” the first woman asked the second. “I froze to death,” said the second. “That`s awful,” said the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?” “It`s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?” “I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second woman shakes her head. “That`s so ironic,” she says. “What do you mean?” asks the first woman. The second woman tells her, “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive.”
Dressing Up A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Cheaper the Richer You Are Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his RollsRoyce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my RollsRoyce,” the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my RollsRoyce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”
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By Tom Burns
Increasing his Word Power
A
s part of my administrative duties in caring for the World’s Greatest Dog, I need to periodically shepherd Rex into a higher order of sophistication and refinement. Today was his vocabulary lesson - a monthly lecture featuring words that would impress upon those listening to him a sense of awe and respect. This, being accurate only if Rex would choose to speak. I’m sure he has it in him, but he prefers to wander through life, offering a feeble “woof” or indignant growl if a situation called for it. But, I am firmly convinced, Rex does understand a limited amount of the English language. The vocabulary classroom lecture is always held at the kitchen table. I at one end; he at the other, paws up on the table (his, not mine). He stations himself there because during the lesson, I slide oyster crackers across the table to him with a smidgeon of Velveeta on it. I eat a saltine with a chunk of Velveeta and Rex gets a “cadet” portion, as he is just a puny little Dachshund. “So young man we begin today with the word ‘alluvial.’ This word refers to that little punching bag that hangs in the back of your mouth, Rex.” I leaned way across the table and opened my mouth, pointing inside for him to see my alluvial and make his comprehension. “See it, Rex?” I said and slid an oyster cracker with his cheese tidbit on top. Rex wagged his tail; I assume at making
a comprehension and learning a new word as opposed to wagging his tail because another treat showed up in front of him. “Next word: ‘penultimate’ which refers of course to a Mount Blanc ink pen. One of the finest you can buy. Yes, my little friend, a Mount Blanc is the ultimate in pens, or as we refined people refer to it, the penultimate. See how easy it is to learn new words? Are you glad to be expanding your vocabulary?” I slid another cracker to my pintsized student and he wagged his tail in concurrence.
Rex was still battling the implications of bifurcate, and didn’t Hoover up the treat.
“Now here’s a good one. I like to toss this word into a conversation whenever I can. You should see the look on people’s faces when I wedge this humdinger in: ‘bifurcated’. You simply dissect the word to understand its meaning. ‘bi,’ meaning two, of course.” Rex was studying the pile of Velveetaladen oyster crackers. “‘Fur’ meaning the black hair all over your body, and ‘cate,’ the neighbor lady next door.” (Rex did not have the inside dope that the neighbor is Kate, not cate.) “So bifurcate means two black Dachshund hides that our neighbor Cate has.” A look of shock zipped across Rex’s face. He quivered a bit, and then shifted his eyes up and to the left, which, recalling from my Neuro-Linguistic Programming
seminar, Rex was recalling a past experience. Probably the thought of trying to recall two black dachshund’s hides at the neighbor lady’s house. “See how easy-squeazy this is Rexie?” I slid another cracker across to the fatiguing student. Rex was still battling the implications of bifurcate, and didn’t Hoover up the treat. He looked down at his fur, and then he looked out the window toward Kate’s house. I could tell the student was flummoxed when he kept looking at his fur and back to Kate’s house.
“Rex. Some words are tough, pal. We could work on ‘cartesian’ if you like. That’s where I tease you about a fake ride in the car. Cartesian. Or we could . . .” The doggie door was flapping the student had left the building.
Rex (and Tom) can be reached at tomburns100@yahoo.com
Importance of being
FOOLISH
Lady FionaFirefly speaks: “Perched practically wingless, I’m faring the wild flirt of fools upon my sex in this summertime Trillium but this short lived courtship has sent me unswervingly into glowing hot flashes.”
August 2014
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” A. Sigmund Freud B. Robin Williams 2. “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.” A. Woody Allen B. Colin Powell 3. “I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.” A. Marilyn Monroe B. Christopher Columbus 4. “I was once walking through the forest alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.” A. Calvin Coolidge B. Steven Wright There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
5. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.” A. Jack Nicholson B. Zachary Taylor 6. “If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.” A. Andy Rooney B. William Shakespeare 7. “Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” A. Mark Twain B. Pablo Picasso 8. “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” A. Barack Obama B. Jackie Mason Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-A 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Sweaty 5-6 Heroic 3-4-Mundane 1-2-Icky 0- Sentimental
Answers on page 24
Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com
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August 2014
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Oh, For the
Love of FUR
By Rosie Sorenson
S
omething’s wrong with our cats. Nothing physical, thank goodness, but I feel I should whisper so they can’t hear me when I tell you, “They’re too darned polite.” I know what you’re thinking. Cats--polite? What has this woman been smoking? When they’re hungry, they sit quietly in the hallway next to the kitchen and stare at us. No need to say a word. One of us will hop right on the food-getting thing. Or the toyfetching thing. Sometimes they prefer toys to food. Aren’t humans handy to have around? Billy, our strawberry blond rescue kitty, begs me, silently, to throw his little plastic coil into the living room so he can bat it all over the house. Sugar, our Siamese, urges me, silently, to fling her white fuzzy mouse toward the slick tiled bathroom floor where she can knock it around forever. After each such daily occurrence, Steve and I look at each other, shake our heads and in hushed tones say, “This is not right. We’ve ruined them.” Sugar and Billy are undermining 55 million years of cat evolution. As everyone knows, or thinks they know, cats are independent, aloof, and care not a jot what their human companions want or need. Billy was diagnosed last year with asthma which means we have to give him a pill every other day for the rest of his life. Oh, joy. When we received his diagnosis, we thought back to our previous rescue kitty, Turtleman, who hated taking a pill more than he hated thunder and lightning. Whenever I
approached him and tried to open his mouth, he’d howl and turn his head away. Eventually he would give in and pretend to accept the pill from me. See what a good boy I am? In the morning, of course, I’d find the pill on the bed or the floor. Rotten cat.
Sugar and Billy are undermining 55 million years of cat evolution. But Billy? Once the vet demonstrated how to use the “piller” device, and once Steve suggested we reward Billy with some Temptations, i.e. Kitty Kocaine, right after giving him his pill - why, now, when I come out of my shower, he’s sitting quietly, obediently on my bed. “I’m here, Dear Mommy, to receive my medication. Please and please don’t forget my treats.” Billy twitters with anticipation on pill day. He sits still, opens his mouth. I gently put my left hand around his head and open it further while holding the piller in my right hand so I can insert it back over the hump of his tongue. I press the plunger, and the deed is done. Billy gulps down the pill and then turns his attention to the Temptations. Sugar loves to sit on my lap when I’m at the computer. She will sit at my side on the floor, look up at me with her limpid, pleading blue eyes until I say, “Come on up, Sugar!” She jack-rabbits up to my lap, circles around a few times and settles down for some serious pets and purrs.
When everything is coming your way . . . you’re in the wrong lane Sugar and Billy even play quietly. That is, until one of them has had enough. Billy loves to sneak up on Sugar (oh, like she doesn’t know he’s coming) and put the bite on her as if to hold her down for mating. This is particularly funny because both have been fixed. He doesn’t bite very hard, but he holds still for a long time, pinning her to the floor. After a few minutes, he looks up at us as if to say, “Now what? What am I supposed to do now?” Sugar will let out a soft cry, “Oooh, meeeeew,” as if crying
for help when it’s obvious she’s capable of getting away. Billy hangs on until he’s bored and then steps on her belly. Sugar smacks him. “You need to work on your foreplay, Billy!” Billy yelps and runs away. “What did I do wrong? I thought she liked it.” At least in that regard, they’re Real Cats. Sorenson’s new book Humor Me! Short Amusing Takes on George Clooney, Fruit Fly Sex, the NSA, Halle Berry, Compassionate Rats, and Other Wacky Topics, is now available as an e-book on Amazon.com
August 2014
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DOGS LOVE ME!
By Ted Gargiulo
I
don’t know why that dog attacked me - you’d have to ask the dog. The perpetrator (a 6-foot, 125-pound Anatolian Shepherd) belonged to my friend’s landlady in Boston, where I was visiting seven years ago. Neither Don nor I suspected he was roaming untethered around back of the house when we stepped outside that morning … until he confronted me at the front gate. Honest, I did nothing to provoke the animal. I remained calm, kept my hands to my side, gave him time to check me out. Figured if I spoke nicely to him, he’d warm up to this out-of-towner. I was especially careful not to bring up politics or religion. He seemed genuinely friendly: didn’t snarl, didn’t bear his teeth, kept wagging his tail. Flattered me into thinking he was my pal. So I started telling him a doggie joke. Before I could finish, the rascal jumped in and delivered the punch line. BAM! Talk about comic timing! Had me in stitches - literally! He lunged for my face, then my groin, then my leg, then my face again. I tried biting him back, but that bad boy was too fast for me - would have done me in if Don hadn’t pulled him off and rushed me to the ER. In addition to rearranging my mug, he inflicted some less visible damage below my “equator.” Took a chunk out of the “Amazon,” but spared “Tierra del Fuego.” Hooo-weee, was that ever close! I suppose I should feel flattered that this handsome brute found me so irresistible, he couldn’t keep his filthy paws off me. Would that we had been properly introduced. He might have appreciated me for my mind and seen what a terrific fella I was. We’d have settled our differences like civilized folks,
shared a bone, chased cats, raided a dumpster, dug in the dirt and made pee-pee together. Such a shame we started off on the wrong paw!
So I started telling him a doggie joke. Before I could finish, the rascal jumped in and delivered the punch line.
He certainly was a comely creature, as far as creatures go a real dog’s dog! You know, the strong silent type: all bite and no bark, never shows his true feelings, has only one thing on his mind. Wants it all, wants it now. Goes straight for the meat on the first date, drops his prey like a used bone once he’s had his fill, and doesn’t even respect him in the morning. I wouldn’t treat a dog the way that cur treated me! I can picture him strutting his fur through the neighborhood, bragging to his doggie friends about his latest conquest, spreading lies about me. “You shoulda seen the tail I had yesterday! Man, what a dog!” You may think I’m a cheap, tailteasing floozy who makes a play for every Mutt, Dick and Rover I meet. Well let me tell you, Ted Gargiulo is not “another pretty face!” After what that oversexed muchacho did to me, I’m not even pretty anymore. No matter, I’m not going to stop loving dogs simply because one unmannered ruffian mistook my face for a pork chop. Most four-legged entities of the canine persuasion are perfect gentlemen. Others are just…animals! I count myself blessed to have survived with my limbs, plumbing, and most of my Southern Hemisphere intact. I may be bitten, but I’m not licked!
August 2014
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August 2014
www.foolishtimes.net Chuck Shepherd’s
By Chuck Shepherd Week of January 26, 2014
Self-Appreciation • Everyone’s Above Average: Ask Americans how they stand compared to their fellow countrymen, and in survey after survey, the vast majority rank themselves “above average” in such areas as driving skill, sexual prowess, and general honesty. A recent study of English prisoners, published in the British Journal of Social Psychology, revealed that those miscreants think they, too, are in the upper half. They rate themselves above average (whether compared to Britons in prison or in society at large) in compassion, generosity, dependability, trustworthiness and honesty. In fact, the only trait on the University of Southampton survey on which the criminals failed to rank themselves as better than the typical Brit was “law-abidingness.” On that trait, the inmates rated themselves merely as “average.”
Compelling Explanations • Pastor Ray Scott Teets, 66, of Fallen Timbers Community Chapel in Springhill Township, Pa., arrested in November for alleged “inappropriate contact” with an 11-year-old girl (daughter of parishioners) on at least three occasions, denied to police that the meetings were inappropriate. The girl, he said, requested counseling with him and suggested that the
sessions take place in the storage shed in back of the chapel. (The girl said there were six meetings, lasting about 15 minutes each, and denied initiating them.) • Robert Bourque, 55, was convicted of DUI in Sarnia, Ontario, in October, but continued to deny the charge. He admitted he had four beers on the day of the traffic stop but said the Breathalyzer result was misleading because he had recently poured alcohol into his ears to test his theory about how Jesus healed the sick. (Bourque was acting as his own lawyer.) Toronto Sun, 10-112013] • The mother and other relatives of William Medina, 24, said they felt hurt by the public’s comments suggesting that Medina and his partner in the November Reading, Pa., armed robbery were “thugs.” William was a “family man” -- “no big hard criminal,” his mother said. The two robbers, armed and wearing masks, were gunned down by a Krick’s Korner customer who said he feared the worst when he saw the robbers leading a store employee at gunpoint into a back room. A Medina cousin said he deplored people’s taking the law into their own hands. Ironies • Celebrity Ironies: (1) In December, a California appeals court endorsed actor Tippi Hedren’s victory suing the lawyer
who had earlier failed to win compensation for her from a 2006 studio accident. In Hedren’s most famous movie role, she was attacked by birds in Alfred Hitchcock’s iconic film, and in 2006 had been clobbered by falling scenery caused by birds nesting in an attic over a stage. (2) A man who won a Hollywood raffle to watch the finale of “Breaking Bad” with cast members was arrested in Fort Myers, Fla., in January and faces his own intent-to-sell drug charges. Two weeks earlier, unrelated to the show or the raffle, a man with the same name as the show’s protagonist (Walter White) was sentenced in Billings, Mont., to 12 years in prison on drug charges. • Too Much Information: Arvind Kejriwal, fresh from his electoral victory as chief minister of the state of New Delhi, India, was to report to work on Monday, Dec. 30th, to begin fulfilling his anticorruption administration -- one
that promised unprecedented “transparency” to make government visible to constituents. However, the transparency of his first public announcement was perhaps over-the-top -- that he was taking the day off because of a bout of diarrhea. Said a colleague, “When the chief minister gives you a minute-by-minute update on his bowel movements, hail democracy.” • Officials in Taiji, Japan, announced in October they would build a tourist attraction to publicize a nearby annual dolphin cull in which thousands are killed. Park planners hope to attract visitors to swim and cavort in pools among the lovable, captured dolphins—and also to dine on dolphin meat (and rare whale meat) scored from the culls. Conservationists are of course disgusted by the project.
Thanks This Week to Ernest Isaacs and Gerard Zavaski, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
Nothing’s impossible for those . . . who don’t have to do it.
August 2014
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It’s National Something Day in August! Answers on pg 24
Girlfriends Watermelon Mustard Dog Waffle Spumoni Thrift Radio Potato Aviation Rum Joke Failures Relaxation Creamsicle Navajo Polka Root Beer Float
By Rex Keyes
W
of Summer
e are in what they call “The Dog Days of Summer” which has come to mean one of the hottest times of the year. We can tell it’s dog days because just about all the dogs during the day are sleeping in the shade where it is cooler, not to mention cats. Try to find a cat walking around during the middle of the day. It would be a rare sight. So as far as time passing rapidly it seems that we are “burning” through summer. August is upon us and all the stores are advertising back to school wares. Mom and Dad will soon find out what is in style in the tykes’ universe. It will be, “I have to have that backpack, I have to have those shoes, I have to have those clothes. Please mommy, please daddy!” If the parents have a teenager entering high school they are in for a handful, as their kid will transform into a whole new different, unrecognizable person in the coming years. Teenagers are not only going to want to use the family car, some are probably going to bug the parents to buy one for them, as they become juniors or seniors. If the teenagers are given a car there is a teaching method long forgotten called “old school” in which they learn to appreciate it. Daughters and sons would be taught how to check the oil and change the oil, check the air in the tires and change a flat tire. The theory is that the more they know about automobile maintenance, the better the car will be taken care of and the longer it will last. Of course, that is just a wild old
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countryside theory. All city folk have to know now is how to put gasoline in the tank. To change a tire or add air we have AAA. To change the oil and oil filter, we have many companies that specialize in oil changes. So we are at the end of summer with school starting soon and all the hectic activity that accompanies it. So hit the beaches, hit the mountains and enjoy the time. Or take a lesson from that ol’ dog laying in the shade during the hottest days of the year and just sit back and relax. Because just after school starts we have to get ready for trick or treating for Halloween, prepare for dinner with the relatives at Thanksgiving, and get in shape for the supreme holiday which is visiting relatives, buying presents and decorating the house at Christmas. In fact those Christmas ads will soon be on every channel on TV. So what will Fido be doing all this time? He will be relaxing and lying in front of the fireplace enjoying the “Dog Days of Winter.”
If practice makes perfect . . . how do you explain taxi drivers.
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August 2014
GO AWAY,
By Mary Tompsett
W
www.foolishtimes.net
I’m Busy
hen y’all go butting into others’ business, it’s damn irritating. But when I shower my insights on the unwashed masses, it is a holy calling. Hence, my new advice column: “Go Away, I’m Busy.” I find that the lonely life of a know-it-all is a small price to pay for the chance to fling opinions around without fear of being sued. From my oodles of fan mail I’ve selected the following questions, not for their relevance, but because they were legible and spelled right. Dear GAIB, I saw a documentary about sex appeal but it was all about chemicals, math and boring science. Seriously? Yes. The purpose of a documentary is to take the fun out of our reality. Thank God, I sailed through math and science with a solid C-minus back in the days when we didn’t have the Internet or even hand-held calculators and had to rely on good old fashioned cheating. So I believe you’re referring to the “golden ratio” of attractive body proportions. You probably missed that part of the program while texting about the lunch waitress’s cleavage. So listen up! To increase your sex appeal, here’s the formula: 2π/y + 1.5 pheromones10 ÷ hours since you were last laid. Remember, women’s waists should be 70 percent of their hip circumference. So, if you can’t whittle your waistline, chickies, fatten your hips. Eat a pizza, stuff socks in your pockets. Do something! For guys, the ratio is 300 percent bigger shoulders than waist. No more workouts, just tease your back and shoulder hair. If y’all
can’t get lucky by Saturday, your mating potential is nigh on to crap. Dear GAIB, I read about the woman in Missouri who found out her home had been owned by a serial killer who tortured his victims there. What if this happens to me? Help!
Remember, women’s waists should be 70 percent of their hip circumference. Apparently, Missourians have scant experience handling such gruesome news. That’s a shame. In the Great Lakes area we boast a proud heritage of serial killers such as Ed Gein, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer. Is it due to the water? Lead in our snow shovels? Or the deep-fried beer-battered Snickers bars? We don’t care. Ironically, such apathy may be due to the water, lead or Snickers. But we’re hardworking and resourceful, though we do lack a decent startle
If at first you don’t succeed . . . then skydiving isn’t for you. response…where am I going with this…? Right. You buy a killer’s house? Suck it up! For petesakes, if we find shackles on the cellar wall, we don’t whine, we spray them with glitter paint and set up the Barbie Dream House on a sequined area rug. And the guest bedroom with the rusty operating table and floor drain? What a wonderful sewing and craft center! Please, a little gratitude. And the sound-proofed garage with the power tools arrayed next
to the shredded dentist chair… that’s a tough one, but a little stain remover and some elbow grease, and gosh a’mighty, the added sparkle will fetch fine prices at the church auction. And if investigating the padlocked Iron Maiden is out of your comfort zone, haul that baby out to the curb. It’ll be gone by morning. Copyright © 2014
August 2014
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By Lily Brun
T
Wilt
he Grand Canyon in June is hot. Not the cool kind of hot … just plain triple digit hot. At the bottom, the day starts at 80 degrees, and then the sun comes up. The canyon walls absorb the heat then pulsate it back out. Yep, it’s so hot sweat starts sweating. Wilt the Stilt, well, he would still be Wilt. There’s an old adage that men sweat and ladies wilt. Strange how we create euphemisms for things we don’t want to talk about. We use words like glow, perspire, flush, sparkle, shimmer melt and fade to describe what is really a simple bodily function that’s not even gender-specific. The plant world is not so poetic. When plants get overheated we can use terms like turgor and flaccid and saggy, limp or floppy. No need to replace wilt with vigor challenged or droop with failure to rise. A plant does indeed bend over - not exhibit lack of rigor - because it doesn’t have enough water to keep it upright. When it doesn’t flower, it’s not enhancement difficulty, it just doesn’t bloom. It does wither when it’s hot, not experience a lost opportunity to flourish. Plants lose water through transpiration; we lose it through perspiration. In hot weather, the outcome is the same. We both become weak and tired and, well, let’s just speak the truth, we shrivel, dwindle, ebb and, yes indeed, fail to thrive. But, wait, there’s help. Check out Wilt Pruf Anti-Transpirant. It promises to de-stress your plants in hot and drought conditions and reduce wilting. This is groundbreaking news, not just for plants, but for women, too.
Imagine the world that is opened up to us. I envision a latenight infomercial, extolling the virtues of this new sweat modifier. Gone is the embarrassment and humiliation that hovers around women and sweat. Instead of slinking into the drug store, brown paper bag in hand, to buy anti-perspirant, we can, from the comfort of our home, order a quart of Wilt Pruf for $9.99 or three for 24.99, shipping included. With a stout heart and garden clogs, we can march into the local Orchard Supply and, without hesitation, get us some of this! It comes ready to use in a spray bottle, or better yet in concentrate by the gallon,
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
allowing us to mix a batch as needed. No one need know of its dual purpose. So, beat the heat. Carry a spritzer of Wilt Pruf when you’re headed outside. Just for kicks, though, throw a few granola bars, some salty pretzels and water jug in your backpack. It can’t hurt.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yep.
Give your money to charities . . . the ones you’ll need in old age.
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Why I became a nurse: Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good. Needles: It’s better to give than to receive. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them. Submitted by an overworked nurse who is need of a few days off.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows say. Cows say who? No silly, cows say moo! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Ah never mind. It’s a pointless joke. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey won’t fit in this door! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya Ya who? Are you calling me? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cargo Cargo who? Car go vroom vroom! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold outside!
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TECHNOLOGY: The Runaway Train By Debbie Harris
T
rying to keep up with technology is like chasing a runaway train. I may gain ground, but it’s always a head of me. About a year and a half ago on the advice of my adult children, I got a smart phone. I like it and I use it daily. But I think it laughs at me. “Look at all the functions you’re not using, you rube,” it taunts. “Only three songs in your iTunes file? What a waste of processing power and memory! Get it together!” To me, tweeting will always be what the birds do on a spring morning. How did they come up with that name? Twitter. Sounds like a nervous laugh. And when you’re using Twitter why are you sending a tweet? Can’t you send a twit? Or can you only be a twit? And can anyone really say anything significant in 140 characters or less? The first time I heard the word Mozilla, I thought it was a Japanese monster’s American cousin. Or is it a contraction for “More Godzilla?” I could only guess that hashtag is a price sticker at a medical marijuana shop. Or is that a hemptag? Is there such thing as a hemptag? I was already an adult when computers starting coming into use. My first computer screen was dark green and the characters that we wrote on the screen were light green. Those were the color choices, dark green and light green, like trying to find a leprechaun hiding in a grassy knoll. The processing units were large and awkward. At the first job I had where a computer was used, I accidently deleted the operating system when I was cleaning out some old files. Fortunately the “computer guy” found its ghost floating through cyberspace and restored operation to the system
so that I wouldn’t be fired. At that time, back up disks were as big as 33 rpm record albums and were bendable. We were told that under no circumstances were paper clips to come in contact with floppy discs. Apparently there was some magnetic depolarization in the metal paper clips that would erase data from floppy discs. It may have been just an urban legend, but I didn’t want to be the one to find out, especially not with my employer’s data.
Or maybe the diskettes were the female version of the disk, like Smurfette was the female Smurf. Then the floppy disk got smaller but was still bendable, replaced again by an even smaller disk that had a plastic casing to cover the vulnerable part of the disk. Those were called diskettes - I’m guessing because there were smaller. Or maybe the diskettes were the female version of the disk, like Smurfette was the female Smurf. The males were bigger, floppy and exposed, and the females were more firm with limited access to sensitive parts. My first personal computer had the green on green screen and no hard drive. There were two small floppy disk drives and the operating system fan from a disk. The drive slots were “A” and “B” and they allowed for copying from disk to disk … with caution, using the “pip” command. I don’t think I ever learned what “pip” stood for. Maybe some Brit was involved in developing
disk copying technology, but it was quite unforgiving. To my recollection, the copy command was “PIP A:B,” meaning copy everything on A drive (the top slot) to B drive (the bottom slot). It would ask you once if you wanted to do that and if you said yes, there was no turning back. If, by chance, the blank disk you wanted to copy to was in the wrong slot, the machine would copy everything from the blank disk to the disk with the information on it. In other words, the PIP could create two blank disks for you instead of two disks with files on them. When that happened, the computer user
usually found more colorful words to say than “Pip.” Computer systems have come a long way and who knows what the next program or gadget will be. With the speed technology is moving, it may not be long before someone else is telling stories about the old days when people used to tweet using a hashtag and launch Mozilla every day to a puzzled audience who can’t believe how primitive the technology used to be. And I’ll still be chasing that runaway train.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER The Ice Cream Blues by Stephen L. Millich
Ice cream, in a cone or in a cup Two big scoops will fill you up If you’re sad and blue on a Monday Treat yourself to a choc’late sundae You’ll soon be in a fantastic mood Due to the sugar rush from this food But if your pants are snug and do not fit Then you may wind up a banana split.
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August 2014
FOOL CURB
By Stacy Lininger
on the
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1. Why don’t you ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 2. What psychic event have you experienced?
Candye Kane, singer/songwriter, Los Angeles 1. “Maybe they are too busy helping others find their path.” 2. “I used the power of positive thinking to beat pancreatic cancer. I receive strength from the songs I write and audience members who send me white light.”
Irit Perla, jewelry sales, Salinas 1. “I don’t think someone really knows the future, they can only guess.” 2. “I sold jewelry to a lady in San Jose but she left it on the table. Two years later I saw her at a Starbucks in Salinas and she remembered me and her forgotten jewelry. I got her address and mailed it to her still in the same bag she had forgotten it in two years ago.”
Darnel Solomon, retired, Seaside 1. “Just because they are psychic doesn’t mean they can make things happen like witches or warlocks can.” 2. “What people in California call a psychic experience is just everyday life to me. I think of something and it happens.”
Richard Smith, letter carrier, Seaside 1. “Good question. Guess they don’t know things like that.” 2. “I think about having catfish for dinner and next thing I know, without having to say a word, my wife is frying it up in the pan”’ Asked at Laguna Grande Park in Seaside Join us in Laguna Grande Park every Sunday through August 10th, 1–4:30pm for the Best in Blues www.ci.seaside.ca.us
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August 2014
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Answers from page 19
from page 11 Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the head teacher!”
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bluescreenmonterey.com
HANDYMAN Bob
CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
831.917.0279
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.717.7917
REAL ESTATE
CERAMICS
The “Golf” Coast of Florida
10th Street Ceramics
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
is warm & affordable with the greatest sunsets on Earth seanjtrinkle.homesandland.com 806.206.8179 Lic# BK3240757
JEWELRY
Great time to start your Holiday projects 100’s of unique items Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
Bench Jeweler
We Buy Gold & Diamonds! Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
MAILBOXES The Mail Box Not just a pretty place with long and short term mailbox rentals. Live Scan Fingerprinting Notary services, passport photos Walk-ins Welcome 831.641.0931
SELF-DEFENSE Damsel in Defense Don’t be a statistic! Host a party to learn about safe & sassy personal protection products that you carry in your purse 408.529.5353 mydamselpro.net/ centralcoast-bayarea
WEIGHT LOSS BODY BY VI "PROJECT 10 CHALLENGE"... lose 10 lbs of fat or gain 10 lbs of muscle and help fight childhood OBESITY. ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE? 831.383.8226 Vi10christie.myvi.net
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
August 2014
www.foolishtimes.net
Blonde Inventions Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented: Left handed pencil Clear correction fluid Black highlighter Waterproof tea bags Braille driving manual Dehydrated water Screen door on a submarine Helicopter ejection seat Air conditioning for motorcycle Wooden barbecue Glow-in-the-dark sun dial Gasoline fire extinguisher Battery-powered battery charger Fake rhinestones Fireproof matches Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses Mesh umbrella Solar-powered flashlight
The Plane Crash Three blond guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon. Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen.
How Do You Measure a Flagpole? Two blond guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. “We’re supposed to measure the height of this flagpole,” said blond guy number one, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away. Blond guy number two shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
I’ve spilt stain remover on my trousers, how do I get that out??!
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Every Friday & Saturday In August
Planet Gemini
www.foolishtimes.net
August 4
August 16
National Coast Guard Day
National Tell a Joke Day
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians www.planetgemini.com
A day of celebration for all Coast Guardpersonnel and their families, past and present.
Every Saturday & Sunday in August
August 8
Evenings by the Bay Monterey Bay Aquarium Hang out late with the fish. Extended hours all month on weekends ‘til 8pm. Wine, no host bar, special snack menu. Live jazz on Sunday
www.montereybayaquarium.org
Happiness Happens Day
The Secret Society of Happy People stared this in 1998 by asking all the governors for proclamations. Our top elected official, Gray Davis was undecided. Now we know why his political career tanked. www.sohp.com
August 9
Hearts with Fire Fundraiser
August 2
Chinese Valentine’s Day/ Daughter’s Festival
Occurs on the seventh day of the seventh month. A great story of love involving the seventh daughter of the Queen of Heaven and how in the end she was only allowed to see her husband once a year. Lesson learned: less time together may keep you out of divorce court!
August 2-3
Scottish Games and Celtic Fest
A lot more than watching the manliest of games Highland dancing, drum majors, bagpipes, lots of music, single malt Scotch whiskey and clan gatherings www.montereyscotgames.com
Teddy bears with Hearts, tri-tip BBQ. Prepared by local firefighters. The Firefly band rocks the afternoon. Games, raffle, a great cause. VFW memorial Building, Spreckels www.tbwh.org
August 11-17
Monterey Car Week
Cars that most of us don’t have in our garages will be seen at events and around town this week. It’s interesting that some of these vehicles are worth more than your house www.montereycarweek.com
August 15- Sep 28
Shrek the Musical
Our favorite Ogre in a funny dysfunctional love story we can all relate to… with a happy ending. Golden Bough Theater Pacrep.org
Ok, loyal reads, here is your big chance to be funny. Start with the one liners in Junior Jokes, get a few laughs then work the crowd with blonde jokes
August 22-24
Sand City West End Celebration
A Celebration of the Arts of Every Genre. There is no marina in Marina, limited seaside in Seaside although lots of fun in Sand City. This small “plot” hosts the greatest outdoor party with nationally touring bands, art as individual as the artist, food and fun. www.westendcelebration.com
August 27- Sep1
Monterey County Fair
The one time of year when it’s cool to eat funnel cake, double bacon corndogs and deep fried Twinkies. What? That’s dinner once a week at your house! www.montereycountyfair.com
August 30
Marina Labor Day Parade and Fest
Come stroll the parade route or join friends at Marina Village Shopping Center for music, food and fun www.marinacelebrates.org
Aug 30
CORY ROBINSON COMEDY SHOW
Cory is back in town and on the ‘Row and that means laughter. He brings down the house with two of his funny friends, Jamar Johnson and Matt Gubser www.bluefinbilliards.com
Aug 30-Sep 1 Aug 23
3rd Annual Boot$ and Buck$ Dinner
Come support all the great Salinas PAL Youth programs. Dinner, dance, silent and live and auction. PAL Youth Center, Salinas www.salinaspal.org
Aug 23
Walk and Roll Fundraiser El Estero Park. Helping to fund local programs and services to families with MS and Parkinson’s disease. Food, music, raffles and fun for all. Info: 831.333.9091 or www.msqlp.org
Monterey Bay Greek Fest
Greece is the land of many great things that have shaped our world Come enjoy traditional food and dance and be Greek for a day. Opa! montereybaygreekfestival. com
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Tailwaggers
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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August 2014
www.foolishtimes.net
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
NCI Affiliates, Inc.
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26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836
MPVS Benefit Shop
THE
RESALE TRAIL
110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899 www.nciaffiliates.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
August 17-23
National Thrift Store Week
Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650
Support all the great stores on the Resale Trail. Watch for sales and specials this week
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
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480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
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Featured Shop
Thus far this year, our sales provided over $45,000 in grant money to address housing services and homeless prevention. In the past four years, with your support our thrift shop proceeds has totaled $220,000. Thank you for shopping with us.
We’ve Got
it ALL! SEASIDE AUTO CENTER
www.SeasideAutoDealers.com Brought to you by the Seaside Chamber of Commerce