July 2014
This is my happy face....
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Tom Burns, Jim Dultz, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood
When
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The Chucklehead Speaks Our county is filling up with visitors from all corners of the world. Recently, I was in Oldtown Salinas and noticed a couple that looked oddly out of place. My radar was correct, they were visitors. I told them I was from the area and could I help them find what they were looking for. They told me they were Russian. I told them to slow down. Over 8,000,000 visitors came to our area last year. Our population county-wide is a hair over 422,000 and on any given day there are only 12,000 hotel rooms available. That’s about 21,900 visitors per day. These statistics made me rethink living here and how can I help make this place a memorable destination. From all the calls and emails we receive from visitors wanting our unique paper in their community, Foolish Times is a great cultural representative of our area. The other thing I can do is donate my wardrobe to one of the stores on our Resale Trail and rent out my walk-in closet to visitors looking for a deal on a cheap room. Look for the sign in the window, no reservation required. Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Editor’s Note We celebrate our nation’s independence this month. I remember as a kid sitting in the park on the 4th, mesmerized by the fireworks show that took place every year. I always liked at the end when all of the bursts were red, white and blue and a cheer from the audience went up – the voices of proud Americans. Such a great sound. Not so many fireworks shows anymore, but the sights and sounds of the 4th can still be found around town. Check out the Foolin’ Around Town page for highlights of area celebrations. This month’s issue has a few new features. We welcome back one of our favorite cartoonists, Jim Dultz. He brings with him cartoonists from the Youth Art Collective (YAC), an after school art studio and mentorship program for high school and college artists. You’ll see their cartoons in the months ahead. Enjoy the paper. Have a happy and safe 4th. Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
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July 2014
TEXT Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta’ Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
Crying Old Man An old man sees a friend sitting on a park bench weeping. "How have things been with you Bob," he asks his older friend. "Great. I just married a beautiful young woman." "Wonderful! But then why are you crying?" Bob, "I can't remember where I live."
Fore! At the end of his tenth and final golf lesson, the elderly man asked the pro how he had performed. "Well," replied the instructor, "you'll never be a pro, but you can get personal enjoyment out of the game, and the exercise will do you good. Your main problem is that you are too close to the ball after you swing."
Senior Exercise Program I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a
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fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was
your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall!"
Herman on Route 280 A senior citizen is driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Super Summer
Specials
Knitting and Driving An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway, not paying any attention to the road. Pretty soon, a police officer pulls alongside her car and yells, "Pull over!" The lady yells back, "No mittens!" $69.95 value
Golfing with an Old Man A young avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. So, he figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young
We honor Seniors and Military
July 2014
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award–winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf, Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gianni’s Best known for their pizza, has a great extended menu of pastas, ravioli, lasagna salads and hot baked subs 725 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.649.1500 Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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July 2014
Don’t be Afraid to Laugh at Yourself You can Elevate Self-Image by Taking Yourself Lightly. Being able to laugh at yourself has many ramifications. All of them good. The psychological and emotional benefits are endless. When you poke fun at yourself it shows you are unafraid to be vulnerable. You become more human in the eyes of others. Laughing at yourself illustrates your exuberant and youthful spirit and people are inclined to like you more. It puts them at ease. It also shows humility, one of the most pleasing personality traits a person can possess. I’ve seen this simple, practical strategy help many people discover a happier more meaningful social life. Unfortunately, the ability to laugh at ourselves doesn’t come naturally. It’s an acquired skill, but it’s a priceless gift we can easily give ourselves. The past 20 years have been a golden era in the extensive examination of the effect of humor on the psyche. Research on the psychological advantages of having a sense of humor has revealed that the willingness to laugh at oneself has many advantages. Self-directed
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humor: Eases tension, anxiety and anger; Promotes a feeling of warmth and bonding with others; Is a coping mechanism associated with tolerance, sincerity, wisdom and maturity; Is an indication of positive self-esteem and emotional health; Is a sign of faith in oneself, in people and in the world in general; And is a counterbalance to negative ideas, distrust and discouragement.
“You grow up the day you have the first good laugh on yourself.” - Ethel Barrymore, Actress Many psychologists feel that laughter is a spontaneous burst of affection. Therefor, being able to laugh at oneself is plainly a form of expressing self-esteem. Making ourselves the butt of a joke in no way diminishes stature or respectability. In fact, the opposite appears to be true. It’s really a mature and sensitive form of social behavior. The amazingly simple fact is that you can build yourself up by tearing yourself down. When you make fun
of yourself it takes the sting out of what other people say. Self-directed humor is proven, time-honored method of ingratiating oneself with others. It’s an appealing way to gain their trust and approval, especially when you are meeting for the first time. And the advantages are boundless. By making individuals laugh you make them feel more comfortable, more relaxed. When people start laughing it releases their tension. They are ready to accept you - what you have to say.They are more open to ideas. Most humans are uptight in social circumstances and particularly in a business environment. So when you make folks laugh and the joke is on yourself, you cause them to relax and they like you for it. Here’s the best part! This miraculous method for success requires no expensive seminars or
tapes. That self-deprecating humor is a powerful force for winning friends and influencing people is illustrated by the careers of many great comedians. Woody Allen, Jack Benny, and George Burns are among those who learned early in their careers that when they made themselves the butt of the joke, audiences laughed uproariously. It made the audience feel a kinship. It made the comedians multi-millionaires. At a testimonial diner, Jack Benny was presented with an award. He stood up before the crowd and said, “I don’t deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” Carol Burnett, during an Actor’s Studio television interview, revealed, “I started my career by being selfdeprecating. I would always kid myself before anybody could kid me.”
Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
A Family Day to Remember
BBQ by Salinas Fire Department Music by Firefly • Face painting Kid’s Games • Children’s Raffle Silent Auction • Full Bar Free to attend!
Spreckles VFW Memorial Building August 9th 11– 4pm A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here!
Please help us put a Teddy Bear in the arms of someone who needs comfort. Every dollar, every bear helps More info: www.teddybearswithheart.org or 831.915.1112
July 2014
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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram Great balls of fire! Everybody is on edge! They sense the war going on inside you. You want to help others in crisis, that’s understood, but what about your interior bedlam? I know you have dreams of victory. Concern yourself first, with your own precious hide or you’ll be gone with the wind. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 The Bull Fiddle de dee! Why fix it if it ain’t broke you say, yet you’d like to improve things without really changing. This is a battle that resembles beating yourself with a cornstalk, fiddle de dumb! You can still hold on to sweet memories such as Magnolia’s in the moonlight. Simply mix in some texting with that chivalrous perfumed air before you are left behind in the bull dung dust. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 The Twins Such rarefied swaying - you are a lullaby in a hammock. Loving that constant change of scenery, to, fro, high and low. Ouch! Yet when pinned to the rose bush the only device to subdue that crazed field hen responsiveness is to administer chloroform. Take heed Gem, I hear it’s a rush! Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab Such an elaborate array of defenses on your Birf-Day! What on God’s Earth are you snapping about?! Are ya feelin’ kinda poorly, gangrenous or panicky? That battle all up inside you must surrender to another year, otherwise the skies rain death and all else divine falls silent. Time to pucker up, be kissed plenty hard, and to fix your gaze upon the violet candle flame.
Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion Your instinct for getting attention is a majestic intervention! I do declare as the Leo president Clinton has 22 planets in Leo, while we mignons of society only bare 12. His Cuppeth Runneth over, as does yours, and you don’t even have to lie, cheat, spill or drill for it ... glory be the merciful lions! Virgo - August 23 - September 22 The Virgin Show your bosom, you are a vegetable in season! You have been hand-picked to ripen before your next root removal. You have a chance at completing everything. This is a slice, a turn to shine, don’t make me want to wish you into a pork rind. Full steam your head! Libra - September 23 - October 22 The Scales Dareth I say it’s quittin time! You’re working it too hard. That goodie goodie charm, thick as molasses is ringing everybody’s bell into a shudder. Relationships are not built on brick and mortar, they are merely entwined. I know’s you hate to be alone, but you can always rely on eating barbecue in the warm, still, country twilight and then gingerly say, Ya’ll come back now! You can start your cursing once they’re passed the fence.
Sagittarius - November 22 December 21 the Archer You shall stay unfettered forever, no strings attached, not even scraps of hand-spun wool. You are landing on opportunities where there is no Terra Firma ... a carpetbagger of sorts these days? Shying away from deep scarlet emotions, runs you at risk of an unraveling tear across your heart. In the end, frankly, who will give a damn? Capricorn - December 22 January 19 The Goat Don’t stand there like a scared goat, remember you are a born climber. You have reached the top! Do you have a reflective instrument to see the real you? A mirror will do, and glory is the view. The war is over, you know now what it was all for? Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier Obstinate as a mule! In battle, long after you’ve crossed enemy lines, you are still in contemplation. How independent are you to be? The
Scorpio - October 23 - November 21 the Scorpion In this case, it just ain’t fittin to peek under the petticoat! Your complex mind makes it difficult to skim the surface. You may want to curb your inquisitiveness with a shallow dive on this next venture. I hear that skin flakes are a treasure chest just poised for deep analysis! By Bini
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By Bini
world around you has fallen to pieces under your compass, and you’re wavering. As God is my witness, tomorrow, usually, is another day. Celebrate and stop disturbing the peace. Pisces - February 19 - March 20 The Fishes Oh Great Pale Tuna throw away them crutches! In, as usual, a bizarre, though perhaps apt, twist of fate, the world you’ve been trying to escape from has become the world you’ve been trying to escape to! Now these turbulent spherical energies have finally synthesized into stable chaos. Oh Fishies, like I said to Aquarius; tomorrow is another day ... in case all this goes straight to hell.
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July 2014
By Debbie Harris ’m not really of the computer generation, but I do use computers and I browse the net. The technology is wonderful … when it works, and when I can figure out how it works. I do online shopping, and some online banking and it’s gotten easier as software programs have improved. But one thing that is driving me crazy about computers is the need for a login and password everywhere in cyber space. I opted to mail in my payment for a parking ticket because I didn’t want to have to come up with a login and password for that site. I really don’t plan to be a regular visitor. Besides, I already have dozens of passwords and logins. I don’t need any more! For security purposes, we’re not supposed to use the same login ID or password over and over, so we have to keep coming up with new ones — and change old ones periodically. We want them to be easy to remember but also have all the components the site requires. That’s getting trickier. One site I used required at least one capital letter, one lowercase letter, a number and a symbol that wasn’t a slash (/) or an asterisk (*). Really? I found one, but I don’t remember it and have to consult my ID password file when I use that site. And good luck finding an ID that is available. I have pretty common first and last names, so finding a login that incorporates my name is out. Other cute or memorable names are already taken too. Forget being a SweetiePie, a Hotmamma or a Lover of any type. So parents of young children, while you’re thinking about your children’s futures, be sure to reserve them some decent logins to popular sites.
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You don’t want them stuck with Rutebaga22! or %diaperash9. In addition to the login and password, we now have to come up with answers to security questions so that the sites can test us to be sure someone didn’t steal our information. That’s good protection for us but it’s gotten complicated. We used to just have to know our mother’s maiden name and we were ok. Then problems arose - I can only guess that people’s mothers weren’t getting married or changing their names if they did, or that, that security question became too common. It was valuable information and people were getting too loose-lipped about it. (Watch out for the mysterious, handsome stranger in a bar who snuggles up to you and wants to know your mother’s maiden name! He’s looking for a different way of getting lucky.)
Watch out for the mysterious, handsome stranger in a bar who wants to know you mother’s maiden name!
In place of the mother’s maiden name, the questions the sites have come up with are puzzling. “What are the last five digits of your favorite bank account number?” You mean we have to have a favorite bank account number? It’s you 53471, my precious. All the other bank account numbers pale in comparison to you. You’re the one who sustained me through my unemployment period. You, only you, will be a part of my security questions answer. On one site it took me an hour just to get through the security questions set up.
“What is your favorite animal?” it asked. “Cat” I typed. “We’re sorry. Your answer must have at least six digits.” Moving on to the next question: “What is your oldest niece or nephew’s first name?” “Jim” “We’re sorry. Your answer must have at least six digits.” Next: “What was the name of your first pet?” “Rex” “We’re sorry. Your answer must have at least six digits.” Next question: “What is your father’s middle name?”
I’m not sure if they would accept it, but I knew that “it depends on which relative you ask” was longer than six digits. I became concerned when I discovered that my son has a yahoo email address and his wife, a hotmail address. Forget overcoming the culture differences of her Mexican-American heritage and his regular American upbringing; they’re operating from completely different servers! Should I call in a cyber-counselor to help them learn to share the same electronic world? Whatever the challenges, computers are here to stay, so we’d best accommodate them however we can, even if we have to be &33Termite.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER A Spring in the Desert A springtime walk in the desert hills Is full of joys as well as thrills Multi-hued flowers and fragrant sage Are enjoyed by all of every age Yet some things out there are quite scary So weekend walkers must be wary Watch your step and don’t get stucka On the blooming desert yucca. By Stephen L. Millich
July 2014
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net
Farmer Logic Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the.......” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-
truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He went over to my mule first, and after he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?””
Honeymoon is Over A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, “How was your honeymoon, dear?” “Oh, mama!” she replied, “The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic.” But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said, “But, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language - things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!” “Darling, darling,” her mother said, “calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?” And, the daughter cried, “Please don’t make me tell you, mama! I’m so embarrassed - they’re just
too awful! Just come and get me, please!” “Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible four-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama... words like dust, wash, iron cook!”
Bee-nonsense A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,” Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee”, she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole,” she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”
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June 2014
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Join Us!
By Rosie Sorenson
A
pparently, it’s not enough that I make a contribution to the economy, say, by buying a rubber chicken from Amazon. No. After my purchase they have to go and badger me into writing a review. Of a rubber chicken! The subject line in the emails from Amazon read: “Did Rubber Chicken Meet Your Expectations?” Seriously? Please tell me, in what intelligently designed universe is this not crazy? Just how many expectations can one have of a rubber chicken? I mean, you can’t eat it. It can’t spring to life to do the funky chicken dance. It can’t lay eggs. It just lies around in its rubber chicken-ness, doing absolutely nothing to contribute to the relationship. That’s pretty much all you can expect of a rubber chicken - not unlike some men I dated back in the day. But was Amazon going to stop harassing me because I didn’t log onto its website and record my opinion of their funny floppy fowl? No-siree-bob. Just like that boyfriend you once had who wanted to be with you 24/7 so he could suck the brains right outyour-head, they were not going to give up. This is, after all, We-Rulethe-World Amazon. Now, I have no intention of telling Amazon, but I will tell you - 50,000 of my closest friends why I shopped online for a rubber chicken. Many years ago, before I met my sweetheart Steve, I engaged in what could only be called binge dating. When someone seemed a possible “keeper,” my friend Jill would organize a “rubber chicken” dinner, a coming-out party, if you will, for my new man to meet several of our friends. It was really more of an excuse for them to audition him. I blush to
admit that none of the men prior to Steve received a follow-up invitation; none made the cut. Years later I found out that when my date-du-jour and I would leave the party, eyeballs began rolling around in my friends’ heads as if aliens had overtaken them. What was she thinking?
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It just lies around in its rubber chicken-ness … Anyway, after my friends met Steve, Jill said, “Looks like I can finally hang up my rubber chicken!” No more eye rolling. Now that our fifteenth anniversary is upon us, I realize I have been remiss in repaying Jill for all her steadfast support. Thus, the rubber chicken. After the fourth beseeching email from Amazon, I relented. I logged onto the site and wrote: “I bought this as a gag gift. It’s pretty funny.” Satisfied that I had captured the essence of my chicken purchase, I clicked “Publish” Done. But, no! Mr. Amazon flashed a message scolding me because I hadn’t “used enough words.” OK - now I’m really cheesed off. First, they demand I write a review—then they censor me? Don’t they know with whom they are dealing? If a woman is screwy enough to buy a rubber chicken, what else might she do? Whaddya say we gather a million of our closest friends, don our chicken suits and lay some eggs at Amazon headquarters? Cluck, cluck. Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and award-winning author of They Had Me at Meow. (wwwltheyhadmeatmeow.com) One of her cat stories will appear in the anthology, Not Your Mother’s Book . . . On Cats due out in September. Her work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle and many other publications.
The Best Char-Broiled Burgers!
AYCE Spaghetti $7.95
Tuesday
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By Mary Tompsett
I
was raised Catholic. But a few years ago I had a spiritual crisis and ultimately converted to a new faith. Toyota. You see, the company had quietly built up a reputation for quality and reliability, while I’d spent years fruitlessly dialing the deity hotline. Faithful customers should not be put on hold! Maybe God was really busy, or he was a poorly trained temp who never mastered the phone console. Maybe I wore her out with my endless pleas of “Gimme,” “Please change him,” or “Stop it”! But no, I think she was screening her calls. Thus, I wasted huge chunks of my prayer life on hold while a snotty recording with impeccable diction told me to wait for the next available representative. I racked up a lot of resentments and
curses, which is wonderfully ironic. Yes, my prayers had become an occasion of sin. Speaking of Toyota, I was recently in a “minor” car accident that totaled my 13-year-old Echo… Echo…Echo. My Toyotan beliefs are sacred to me — despite a shameful recurring fantasy of having weightless sex in a Honda. So I replaced the dead car with a 2007 Toyota Hubris. Or is it a Cialis? Something like that. Come to find out, the Virus (?) is the next generation of Echo: cheap, good on gas, with the same exquisite sensitivity to all road surfaces. Translation: Hit a chipmunk, and you’ll feel the zit on its nose. But I like to think that my doomed Echo gave its little life so that a younger, fresh-faced Hubris might pg 11 »
www.foolishtimes.net There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
July 2014
FOOL CURB
By Stacy Lininger
on the
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The World Famous Sardine Factory welcomes everyone, no matter who you are, you will be treated like royalty. This month we asked two “Independent” questions: Q1: Who has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence? Q2: What do you do to assert your independence that no one else knows about?
Theodore Balestreri, II, Hospitality Q1: He answered the first correctly. Q2: I vote in person. I show up at the polling place, I look around to see who else is voting. We live in the greatest country in the world.
Bert Cutino, Owner Q1 :“I don’t remember. Who the heck was it? Was it Franklin?” (Nope) Q2: “I started out with nothing and created a great life for myself. Now it’s about giving back to the community. I support Rancho Ciello and Meals on Wheels. I also vote conservative.”
Answers on page 24
« pg 10
live — plucked from a no-kill Toyota shelter and welcomed home to a two-car garage where it now sprawls diagonally just because it can.
I’m afraid the sewer locker room buzz is that the broad in the blue Hubris has loose morels. The accident’s sequelae included calls and appointments with lawyer, doctor, chiropractor, insurance, rental car, blah de blah. Despite the chaos, I love that I finally get to frequently use the word sequelae in everyday life without makeup or shaving my legs. Of course, every mother chaos inevitably births a litter of wriggling chaos pups, and in this case the additional expenses overshot my credit card limit, the
IRS wanted now overdue taxes, and the sewer guys appeared unexpectedly to dig up pipes under my house. The Hi-Yo-Silver lining is they discovered morel mushrooms on my property — I’d never tasted any before. Because the men had plucked them easily, now I’m afraid the sewer locker room buzz is that the broad in the blue Hubris has loose morels. The sewer lads also left a souvenir four-foot-high pile of dirt that couldn’t be stuffed back under my house. Damn, even my clown shoes couldn’t flatten it. What to do? A few thoughts: 1. Sell it in pint jars labeled Miracle Healing Toyota Dirt. 2. Shape it into a snowman and spray paint it white in time for winter, i.e., September. 3. Mount a headstone on it and wait for the cops to show up. Copyright © 2014
Olivia Morgan, Substitute Teacher Q1: I don’t know, I’m British. Interesting since she was the teacher of the above guy who did know. Q2: I Greek dance on the pool at the gym while listening to music on my headphones to keep up with my children and grand children.
Mike Kolczyk, Bar Manager Q1: Thomas Jefferson (wrong). “Why do I need to know this?” Q2: I think about golf and winning the US Open. I’m too old for that though so winning a hundred dollars would be good.
Do you know who had the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence? Send your answer to office@foolishtimes.net Answer correctly for a chance to win VIP Guest Passes to a Paper Wing production. Answer incorrectly for a chance to go back in time to 7th grade.
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July 2014
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students are on a journey. ... We as an institution meet students where they are at.” Fromm said he was impressed with the school right from his initial visit. “No one was speaking in tongues or handling snakes, so I decided to stay.” [ABC News, 11-112013]
Bright Ideas By Chuck Shepherd Week of January 12, 2014
(Note to Readers: The second item contains two naughty words (as part of quotes).)
Robo Medicine At least two U.S. medical schools so far are early adopters of Dr. Benjamin Lok’s and Dr. Carla Pugh’s “Robot Butt” for teaching doctors-in-training to properly (and compassionately) administer prostate exams. The robot, bent over a desk to simulate the patient profile, has sensors to alert the students if they dig too deeply or quickly for comfort. Other sensors enable a check on eye contact to evaluate “bedside manner.” (News of the Weird reported a similar innovation in 2012 by Nobuhiro Takahashi, whose model’s “sphincter” has the ability to “clench up” if the probing becomes too distressing.) [Huffington Post, 11-13-2013]
The Continuing Crisis Neuroscientist James Fallon, fascinated by the brains of serial killers, experienced a seminal career moment in 2005 when he realized that his own brain scan was a dead-on match for the typical psychopath’s. Subsequent selfexamination revealed him to be, he said, a “pro-social psychopath,” displaying traits similar to a killer’s (aggressiveness, low empathy) and different (“killing” opponents only in games and debate, with little compassion for their haplessness). “I’m kind of an asshole,” he admitted, according to a November report by The Smithsonian, “and I do jerky things that piss people off.” Fallon failed to break bad, he guesses, because he “was loved
(growing up), and that protected me.” He figures he has not kicked his pathology but rather strives “to show to everyone and myself that I can pull (this balancing act) off.” [Smithsonianmag.com, 11-22-2013] Sucker’s Game: (1) Homeless man James Brady had his New Jersey state benefits cut off in October for “hiding” income. He had found $850 on a sidewalk in April and turned it in; when no one came forward, it was returned to him, though he was unaware that he needed to report it as “income.” (2) A 16-year-old Fox Chapel, Pa., boy realized at a football game in September that he was inadvertently carrying a pocket knife and conscientiously turned it in to a security guard -- which earned him a 10-day school suspension. The school’s “zero tolerance” rule, said the boy’s father, “sends a message (that) you should probably lie.” (3) Betty Green was fired as clerk at the Speedway gas station in Lexington, Ky., in November when she “just said no” to an armed robber, who smiled and walked out. Company rules require always giving up the money. Said Green, “I don’t think anybody knows what you are going to do until it happens to you.” [Associated Press via ABC News, 11-10-2013] [KDKATV (Pittsburgh), 9-16-2013] [WLEXTV (Lexington), 11-6-2013] In November, the senior class president of Northwest Christian University in Eugene, Ore., “came out” -- as an atheist. Eric Fromm, 21, is apparently popular on campus, and an ABC News report revealed that he was under no pressure to resign or drop out. Said the director of university relations, “All of our
copied from the Internet. [KHOUTV, 11-10-2013]
Recurring Themes In 2001, German computer repairman Armin Meiwes captured world attention when he was convicted of killing, and then sauteeing and eating parts of a Berlin engineer of particularly low self-esteem, who had offered himself on a German cannibal-fetish website. In November 2013, police in the German state of Saxony were investigating human body parts found at a bed-and-breakfast run by “Detlef G.,” suggesting the parts were from “Wojciech S.,” who frequented a cannibal-fetish website and who had traveled to meet Detlef -- and that the parts had been found in an area of the grounds used for “grilling.” The investigation is continuing. [Spiegel Online, 11-29-2013, 12-42013]
Not the Usual Modus Operandi: (1) The vandalism of Marion County High School in Jasper, Tenn., on the eve of a big football game in November was not, after all, the work of arch-rival South Pittsburg -notwithstanding the clues. The South Pittsburg markings were apparently made by Marion County teachercoach Michael Schmitt, who was arrested. He told officers he was only trying to inspire the team (which lost anyway, 35-17). (2) Police in Urunga, Australia, charged teacher Andrew Minisini in December with taking three female students to The Aristocrats! a motel, giving them alcohol and Selfies: Cornelius Fergueson, 45, seducing them -- not into sex, but a psychologist for the Philadelphia into vandalizing the residence of one Family Court System, was arrested in of Minisini’s former colleague rivals. December for allegedly masturbating [Times Free Press (Chattanooga), 11in front of his office window. Edward 13-2013] [Sydney Morning Herald, Alvin, 34, was arrested on a similar 12-6-2013] charge in November, in the lobby A government-subsidized, of the DMV office in West Palm foundation-supported program for Beach, Fla. Brian Hounslow, 37, alcoholics in Amsterdam announced was arrested in November (similar a “welfare”/”work” program offering charge) in the ladies’ room at a the city’s drunks the equivalent Tulsa, Okla., Walmart. (Asked the of about $14 a day -- and five free bewildered woman who called cans of beer -- for several hours of security: “Who gets up at 8:30 in street-cleaning. Some beneficiaries the morning and decides they’re told London’s The Independent, in a going to go to Walmart, take off all November dispatch, that, of course, their clothes, and masturbate in they intended to use the cash to buy the woman’s bathroom?”) [Philly. even more beer. [The Independent, com, 12-5-2013] [South Florida Sun11-20-2013] Sentinel, 11-12-2013] [KJRH-TV (Tulsa), 11-20-2013]
Democracy Blues
In November, Dave Wilson, a white conservative candidate for the board of the Houston Community College System, pulled off an astonishing victory over the AfricanAmerican incumbent, by distributing campaign materials that made him -Wilson -- appear to be black and thus the favorite of African-Americans. Wilson’s brochures depicting black “supporters” were all, he later said,
Thanks This Week to Ernest Isaacs and Gerard Zavaski, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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Summertime
By Rex Keyes
I
t’s summertime, one of the best times of the year. If by July 4, you haven’t either fired up the barbecue, taken the kids to the beach, gone fishing, played several rounds of golf, gone swimming, sailing, camping or done something fun outdoors then we should call the fun police. The fun police say that by July 4, Independence Day, the fun should have begun. There are parades celebrating our independence, families having picnics and cities that set off fireworks. One can still visit a cousin or brother in the country where real fireworks are legal which include bottle rockets, firecrackers and aerial displays rockets. In Boise, ID one can park by a gentle river that runs through town, float down it a couple of miles and then have public transportation, a bus, transport one back to the original starting point. Every conceivable kind of floating equipment can be seen there from inner tubes to large rubber rafts. The place is very popular in the summer, even though the river water, from a nearby lake, is ice cold. Everyone brings floating equipment that keeps him or her out of the water. Floating the river in Boise is just one good example of summertime fun with people of all ages attending. Ok, so maybe traveling far away is way too much! But I am not going to let you off the hook for having fun. I am going to an extreme and use the French as an example of having simple fun. Did I say French? Believe it or not they do have one sport that is fun and is very simple to do. Just go to a café or coffee shop that has outside seating. Order a drink or something to eat and take it to
the outside table. Take your time eating your meal (don’t wolf it down), sip your coffee or drink, and watch the people go by and enjoy life. Several million French people can’t possibly be wrong. Fun and happiness are directly correlated. Now if the Iranians can have fun we have absolutely no excuse. Last month a video went viral from Iran of a group of Iranians dancing to the song “Happy.” Google “Happy Iranians, YouTube.” Now they were arrested by the local police but then released when the head honcho in Iran, the president, said that all Iranians have a right to happiness.
The fun police say that by July 4, Independence Day, the fun should have begun.
I do admit I have summertime fever so I’ll leave you with a few quotes from summertime songs: “It’s time to head for the hills, it’s time to have some thrills,” “We’ll go swimming everyday, no time to work just play,” “Summertime and the livin’ is easy, fish are jumpin’.” So don’t make me call the Summertime Fun Police on you, “Spread your wings and take to the sky.”
Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?
July 2014
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By Tom Burns
The Running of the Dachshunds A few years ago, I had the bright idea to form an annual event in downtown Monterey based on the Pamplona Spain “Running of the Bulls.” I planned to simply switch Dachshunds for bulls, and, as they say in Norway, Voila! I didn’t dedicate enough effort to go to City Hall, fill out some forms, get some insurance, and organize the event. I’m just too lazy. But, I did actually have Rex chase me down Alvarado Street one midnight. I had sausages tied around my ankles. Alcohol was involved. But now, I felt the world may be ready for the event. I wrote a letter to the Pamplona Chamber of Commerce about it, but never heard back from them. I wrote a letter to CNN about it, but never heard back from them. I wrote a letter to my Mom about it, but never heard back from her. Not to be discouraged, I went to City Hall. I had planned to tie sausages around my ankles and bring Rex for a live demonstration of the event, but passed on the idea. There’d probably be a No Dogs Allowed sign on the City Hall door, or, if not, a No Sausages Allowed sign on the door. In retrospect, a No Goofballs Allowed sign never occurred to me. “Ah, yes, uh, my name is Tom Burns. Citizen in good standing. I have an idea that will put Monterey on the map and even make it a World Class destination. Businesses will flourish, City coffers will bulge from Room
Occupancy Tax. It’s a win-win situation,” I told her. “Your point, Mr. Burns?” “Brace yourself. You may want to sit down. You may even want to get your boss, hell, the mayor over here to this counter to hear my plan.”
I had planned to tie sausages around my ankles and bring Rex … The clerk, a pleasant looking woman, just stared at me, looked at her watch, then looked at the ceiling, then back at me. An occasional blink indicated she was alive and not (yet) catatonic. I outlined the plan to her, even showing her the map I made on a bar napkin. A bunch of small black dots represented a hundred or so Dachshunds; hundreds of larger dots represented humans running for their lives. I didn’t bother to draw small sausages. She stared at me again, breathing in a shallow manner and mechanically blinking at an increasing rate. The clerk looked around the room at her fellow workers, then reached for her cell phone and quietly said into her phone, “Security? Security? Room 101.” An armed man in a Security Blue uniform sailed through the door, wild-eyed with gun drawn. Barney Fife came to mind. The clerk waved at the security guy and pointed at me. Not liking to be pointed at, I pointed back at her. Soon we were pointing at each other, and as a break from the
routine, I pointed at the security officer. He raised his eyebrows and pointed at himself. I nodded yes, and he left, holstering his gun on the way out. “Mr. Burns? Is this a practical joke? Did Bill Jackson in the Planning Department put you up to this? Is this his idea?” She looked a little nervous. “Did he mention anything, anything about me?” She bit on her bottom lip. She fidgeted. I leaned over the counter, motioned to her I was going to whisper something. I had nothing to lose. I could tell The Running of the Dachshunds would never come to
fruition in downtown Monterey. I whispered, “Yes, Bill Jackson did mention something,” I lied. “The City Hall Christmas party. His back seat . . .” She yelped like a stepped-on puppy. The clerk didn’t even say “goodbye,” “excuse me” or even the token “have a nice day;” she ran out the door. I went home, petted Rex, and Googled an event entry application for the Burning Man Festival.
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January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well. Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment, of course! Oh, and did you ever hear about the movie “Constipation”? No, that’s because it never came out! Submitted by the office of Robert Keller, M.D. The M.A in the office moonlights as a drummer and does “rim shots” after each punchline to keep the laughs going strong. Laughter is truly the best medicine.
Declare your Independence! Answers on pg 24
Franklin Washington Fireworks Flag Red White Blue Stars Stripes Anthem Spangled Sumpter British Revere Tea Potomoc Hamburger Picnic Hot Dog Sparkler
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By Lily Brun
T
here’s an old, majestic oak tree on my property that is looking a little tired around the edges. It’s probably 30 feet high with branches that span most of the pasture where it lives. I was standing below it the other day, peering up into the canopy, past its weary looking limbs at the green, shiny oak leaves at the top and I could hear the branches creaking. I know that sound; I hear it every morning when I get out of bed. Anyway, it was groaning. I’m guessing under the weight of its enormous limbs that reach down more than up. It occurred to me that standing under those complaining branches wasn’t the safest place to be. That thought sent me to my trusty Sunset Garden manual of all things garden, to learn about grousing trees. And, lo and behold, what did I unearth? A tree phenomenon known as Sudden Limb Drop (SLD), or some say Summer Limb Drop (SLD), others call it Summer Branch Drop (SBD). The key word in all of this, of course, is drop; specifically a branch that breaks off the trunk and crashes to the ground, taking those unsuspecting gawkers standing under it to the ground with it. Here’s the scoop. SLD or SBD, pick your favorite, is somewhat mysterious in nature. There are clues that some tree-whispering arborists use to identify when SLD/ SBD might happen – dead limbs, fractures at the union of limb and trunk, internal rot evidenced by big mushrooms (don’t eat them) growing on a limb. But some limbs drop for
no apparent reason … on calm, windless days with only a groan as a warning. There are a number of scientific theories about the why of this having to do with microscopic changes in cell structure, moisture changes, branch shrinkage, but no definitive explanation. The kicker is that while a dropping branch can be deadly to unwary admirers, it doesn’t necessarily kill the tree. This got me thinking, again. We, humans, experience this same syndrome only for us it’s OLD – Occasional Lie Down. You know you’ve felt it. That time of the day when you just want to take a nap! Just lay your tired limbs down. It’s unpredictable. Maybe there’s a yawn or a stretch or even some droopy eyelids, but not always. When that sleepy feeling hits, I’m on the ground for the count. Fortunately, this condition, rather than deadly, is actually rejuvenating. Maybe, SLD/SBD is as restorative to a tree as a nap is to us. Hmmm. Nature is full of surprises, as is life. Some amazing, some a little frightening and some that just make you scratch your head and say, “Time for a nap.”
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” what is the opposite of progress?
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July 2014
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Lots of Food for So Little Money By Ted Gargiulo nspiration is so difficult to come by during these steamy, dreamy days of summer. While most of you are busy vacationing, enjoying life, or doing whatever normal people do this time of year, I’m up late at night scouring the Internet for material. Here, for your edification and amusement, are some breaking news items and product endorsements I stumbled upon in my travels.
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An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As she grows older, the more interested he is in her. Introducing: Dehydrated Water ®! Yes! Each individual serving makes 12 ounces of pure, fat-free, non-caffeinated H2O, yet is small enough to fit inside your pants or shirt pocket. Simply pour the powdered contents into a cup … and add water! Voilà! No frills, no spills! (Sorry, drinking cups not included at this time. We’re still working on that.) Another fine product from the makers of Horse and Man Synthetic Sweat ®. And finally… A new startup company has taken Artificial
Intelligence (AI) in the opposite direction. The technology, still in development, goes by the handle Artificial Stupidity Simulation (ASS). Its vision is to create software programs that emulate human incompetence, flawed judgment, dull reasoning … and a warped imagination. Using this app, a foolish writer (like me) can feel better about his foolish self and start blaming some other dumb ASS for the embarrassing twaddle (like this article) he churns out every month.
July 2014
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In the Importance of Being Foolish Category, Sir Hardley Thair, won a Pullit-Sir Prize for his achievement in “Sublime Jocularity.” One academic noted: “The etching upon the coin may have been faint but when tossed emitted raucous laughter.”
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Q. A man drove 2,000 miles with his family without knowing he had a flat tire. How come? A. It was his spare tire that was flat. Q. What has cities without houses, rivers, without water, and forests without trees? A. A road map. Q. When is a house not on land and not on water? A. When it’s on fire! Q. What would you call a short, sunburned outlaw riding a horse? A. Little Red Riding Hood. Q. Why wasn’t the outlaw buried in the town cemetery? A. Because he wasn’t dead? Q. What cattle follow you wherever you go? A. Your calves. Q. A cowboy went on a trip on Friday, stayed three days, and came back on Friday. How is that possible? A. His horse was named Friday. Q. If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? A. The conductor. Q. Can you make a fire with one stick? A. Yes, if it’s a match. Q. A hiker went without sleep for seven days and wasn’t tired. How come? A. He slept at night.
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July 2014
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Horse Bettin’
A man is having breakfast when his wife comes on down and is mad as hell at him. He asks why she’s mad. She tells him she found a piece of paper with the name Marilu on it. He pauses and says, “Honey that is a tip on a horse that ran last week at the track.” Next morning his wife comes down really mad this time, and starts slapping him, he asks “what now?” “The horse just called you,” she replied.
July 2014
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes. I had one thousand and sixty.” A. Dick Butkus B. Imelda Marcos 2. “If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.” A. Rita Mae Brown B. Wyatt Earp 3. “When I saw a naked woman for the first time I thought the rabbi had went too far with her circumcision” A. Clarence Thomas B. Woody Allen 4. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” A. Jerry Seinfeld B. Rin Tin Tin 5. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” A. Abraham Lincoln B. Marie Antoinette 6. “Is this chicken that I have or is it fish? I know it’s tuna but it says Chicken of the Sea.” A. Socrates B. Jessica Simpson 7. “My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” A. Henny Youngman B. Julius Caesar 8. “Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.” A. Thomas Jefferson B. Joe E. Lewis
Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-B 4-A 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Psychotic 5-6 Pleasant 3-4 Suspicious 1-2 Extremist 0-Courteous Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
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Foolish Sudoku
Foolish Search
Answers
Answers from page 19
from page 11 Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a fiveweek vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
MAILBOXES The Mail Box Not just a pretty place with long and short term mailbox rentals. Live Scan Fingerprinting Notary services, passport photos Walk-ins Welcome 831.641.0931
HANDYMAN Bob
CONSTRUCTION
MOVING
CLEANING
Uchida Construction
Peninsula Cleaning & Moving
Peninsula Cleaning & Moving
831.917.0279
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.595.7773
REAL ESTATE
CERAMICS
The “Golf” Coast of Florida
10th Street Ceramics
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
is warm & affordable with the greatest sunsets on Earth seanjtrinkle.homesandland.com 806.206.8179 Lic# BK3240757
JEWELRY Bench Jeweler
We Buy Gold & Diamonds! Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186
Celebrating 10 years Open House July 15 5-7pm 100’s of unique items Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
We take the guess work out of moving Complimentary estimates Bonded, insured 831.373.6683
BAIL BONDS
Diaz Bros, Bail Bonds “We Sell Freedom” Mistakes happen and we can help you through 831.444.0444/24hours Diazbrosbailbonds.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
We love to clean! New client discounts Last minute appointments Family owned and operated Bonded & Insured 831.373.6243
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
July 2014
www.foolishtimes.net Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letter spell? Blonde: It said Pull.”
Good Detecting
Yell for Help Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others, “I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together.” The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly, “Together, together, together.”
Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think...” and it sucked her in.
Hello UFO A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed
with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what UF’ means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means - it means Unleaded Fuel Only.
Weird Dream A blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So … what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said: “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.” Then he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a couple of seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye.” The detective shook his head disgustingly and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
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The detective then turned to the second blonde and asked, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you just hear what I told the first lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a big waste of my time, but...” He flashed the photo in this blonde’s face for a brief moment and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything unusual or distinguishing about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, you’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that simply by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, “Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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July 2014
Every Friday & Saturday In July
Planet Gemini
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
Sometime Soon
Youth Arts Collective
30 Days/30 Drawings In May without warning on a flash of inspiration, our new best friends in the art community launched an internet challenge for 30 drawing for 30 days. It was a complete success and will be happening again soon without warning. www.yacstudios.org
4th of July
Kick off the celebration with a parade down Alvarado Street followed by a lawn party at Colton Hall. Twilight concert at Jack’s Park featuring Monterey County Pops. www.oldmonterey.org
Other 4th of July Celebrations
Sorry no legal fireworks again in our state’s first Capital but plenty of places to celebrate. www.ci.seaside.ca.us www.ci.salinas.ca.us www.pacificgrove.org
July 5
Reenactment of Commodore Sloat’s
Landing and Proclamation Custom House Plaza - 10am To the bewildered and apprehensive gathered 168 years ago at the Custom House Plaza, the American Flag was raised officially making California part of the United States.
www.foolishtimes.net
July 6
National Kissing Day
July 16
Pro Bull Riders
This holiday was invented to remind us of the simple pleasure a sweet kiss can bring. It is also the direct cause for National Mono Day.
The first rule of this sport is to stay alive. This is an interesting way to make a living. www.carodeo.com
July 7-26
CA Salinas Rodeo
CSU Summer Arts Series
World class artists and art educators explore topics such as music, theater, dance, visual arts, creative writing, film, animation and new media. 30 different public events include lectures, readings, concerts and theatrical productions. ww.calstate.edu/summerarts
July 11-August 31
July 17-20 One of the top 10 professional rodeos in the country. A must for your bucket list. Oldtown has horse parade, Kiddie Caper parade. Rodeo had buckle bunnies and Brad Paisley. www.carodeo.com oldtownsalinas.com
July 19- August 2
Carmel Bach Festival
July 26-27
Blues, Brews & BBQ
The Blues are back in Monterey! Elvin Bishop, Curtis Salgado head line each day. Look for Kenny Neal to steal the show. bluesbrewsandbarbecue.com
July 27
National Parents Day
A special day to honor your parents. My kids honor me every time I see them. The first of every month I see the bills come in and know exactly to the penny how much that honor cost me.
July 27
Moss Landing Antique Street Fair
The Wharf Theater celebrates its 38th year with the comic opera by Gilbert & Sullivan. Originally opened in London in 1885, I can assure you that the actors have changed, the plot has not.
“Bach and the Italians” This world class series of 45 events opens with a newly commissioned work by Pulitzer Prize winner Caroline Shaw and continues to have a “wow” factor throughout the two weeks. www.bachfestival.org
Our Resale Trail is just the tip of the iceberg for quality resale items. This quaint historic fishing village packs the main drag with repurposed goods one day a year. Take your parents! www.mosslandingchamber. com
July 13
July 23
Monterey Peninsula Obon Festival
National Hotdog Day
July 30
The Mikado
The Buddhist Temple hosts this event featuring Japanese food, entertainment, Ikebana and Bonsai, tea ceremony, Taiko drumming and much more. www.montereybuddhist.org
July 14
Bastille Day
I just like the word…Bastille; sounds so French. Equivalent to our 4th of July. Celebrate with a crepe and a bad attitude!
Father-In Law Day
America’s favorite summer meat product has a special day. What exactly is in a hotdog? Some things are better left unanswered.
Really? The greeting card companies have gone too far with this one. I never had in-laws. I had outlaws.
July 23-27
June 18
Feast of Lanterns
A 100 year old tradition in P.G. Events all week ending with family entertainment with a lantern parade to the beach and fireworks. www.feast-of-lanterns.org
Revised
We showed up at the fairgrounds for the Americana Festival and stayed to the 28th the actual day of the event! We were there so long, we filled out a change of address card. Our bad!
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
SPCA Benefit Shop
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
John's Consignment & Home Decore
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836
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Tailwaggers
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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July 2014
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MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
NCI Affiliates, Inc.
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www.nciaffiliates.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
Ash Resale – Finders Keepers
8059 San Miguel Cyn Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com
Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650
RESALE TRAIL
110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899
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105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
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480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
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Moss Landing’s 44th Annual Antique & Collectibles Street Fair July 27th Starting at 8 am www.mosslandingchamber.com
We’ve Got
it ALL! SEASIDE AUTO CENTER
www.SeasideAutoDealers.com Brought to you by the Seaside Chamber of Commerce