November 2014
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November 2014
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Jim Dultz, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Brian Iglesias, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Chris Myers, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood,
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
News flash…I’m getting married! I’ve been married once before and it didn’t last a lifetime. I gave her everything and did everything for her and look where it got me. We learn from our mistakes and I know that for sure that this time it’s going to work. My new wife-to-be is everything a man could want. She laughs at my jokes and doesn’t mind that I stay out late with my friends. She has a career! Not just a job but a career! She likes to get up early to do laundry and surprises me with a cooked breakfast before setting out to work. I am amazed when she beats me home to straighten up the house, uncorks a bottle of wine and all the while anticipating my arrival. I am a lucky man. For all you guys who passed on her, the truth is that this woman doesn’t exist. Sure, relationships can start this way although as soon as you say, “I do” she spews “That’s right you better!” As Thanksgiving approaches, I am reminded that I am blessed to be able to tell jokes to anyone who will listen and thankful that I can stay out late with my friends. I can cook a meal for myself and not do the dishes for days and no one is going to question me. I can delay doing laundry by wearing the same clothes over and over again until the stains and smell are obvious and for God’s sake the toilet seat should always be in the “up position”. Yes this time my marriage is going to work…if only she existed.
It’s pretty well documented that the early settlers to this country didn’t eat turkey at Thanksgiving ... and for sure didn’t have sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top!Funny how myths and legends take on a life of their own. But that’s what creates traditions and Thanksgiving is all about tradition ... mostly related to food choices. Jim Dultz walks us through how not to cook a turkey. Don’t miss it if you want to have happy guests this year. In other Thanksgiving news, take a look at Debbie Harris’ column for her perspective on this overlooked holiday, sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas. Thanksgiving is traditionally about family coming together around the dining room table and, well, giving thanks. So, imagine if you will for me, a giant dining room table at which all of the Foolish Times contributors and readers and advertisers and staff are sitting around a giant turkey, similar to the one of this month’s cover, so I can say thank you to all of you who make up our humorous, silly and foolish family.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
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November 2014
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A Day on the Links
Happy Ending Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the men settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at
on our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?” “Yes, I do.” said Bob “Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your real name?” Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.”
Four men were out golfing. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained. “These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others. “The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Dear Grandson I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will
Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer. Love, Grandma PS - The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”
Change of season... We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road
Monologues Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Then the third old lady chipped in with: “I can’t hear a word you’re
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy
CALI CUSINE Monterey Cookhouse Just added…all you can eat salad bar. A delicious fusion of cooking styles and ingredients from around the world. Wood fired meats, seafood & pizza. 2149 N Fremont St, Monterey 831.642.9900 www.montereycookhouse.com
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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November 2014
“Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I’m a comedian, and even cancer couldn’t stop me from seeing humor in what I went through.” –Gilda Radner
Laughter Enhances Immunity Norman Cousins often felt misunderstood about the power of laughter. He believed what made the difference for him was the sense of empowerment he derived from being an active participant in his treatment. Although he used funny films to induce positive emotions, he always emphasized hope, a sense of control and loving support as critical factors in healing. Still, follow-up research supports his theory that laughter has a powerful and positive effect on immunity. On the PBS documentary, Healing and the Mind hosted by Bill Moyers, evidence was presented that indicated there are physical and chemical links between the mind and the immune system. Simply put, emotional stress may compromise the body’s ability to fight off disease. There is evidence suggesting that laughter can significantly ease stress and thereby bolster resistance. Researchers from Western New England College monitored immune-boosting chemicals in two groups of students. One group watched humorous video tapes, the other a serious movie. In the students
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who watched the funny films, the concentration of immuneboosting chemicals rose while those who watched the serious film showed no change. Dr. Arnold Fox, the renowned Los Angeles internist, states in his book, Immune for Life, “Your thoughts change your biochemistry and your biochemistry affects your health and happiness. So it behooves us to keep our thoughts as happy and as positive as we can.” “Happiness is the key to a long life,” reports Dr. George E. Vaillant in a salubrious Spring Magazine article. “People who suffer from anxiety and depression often age quickly and die prematurely. This has much greater effect on longevity than being overweight, smoking or drinking.” Still another secret to wellbeing comes with the capacity to laugh at life’s challenges. Laughing out loud releases tension, aids digestion and restores the body’s chemical balance. This strategy can be especially invaluable for members of the medical profession. Clifford C. Kuhn, Professor of Psychiatry and Medical Director of the University of Louisville School of Medicine has been assisting comedian Jerry Lewis in humor lectures. Lewis speaks at medical centers, university clinics, and hospitals, pointing out the need for doctors, nurses and others in healthcare to recognize the value of a sense of humor in order to counterbalance their
stress from dealing with pain and suffering. Doctors and nurses who just naturally banter and quip as they go about their jobs perhaps as much to help themselves, not just their patients, cope with the hardship and stress of medicine.
Study after study indicates that laughter is every bit as important to our overall health as a proper diet and exercise. Lewis and Dr. Kuhn have formed a strong bond in their continuing effort to encourage and enlighten healthcare professionals
about the benefits of humor. Through his experiences with Jerry Lewis and years of study on the subject, Dr. Kuhn offers these views: “Laughter is a potent reliever of stress, a stimulant to the immune system, an effective analgesic, a stabilizer of mood, a resource for problem solving, creativity and productivity, and a pleasant enhancer of communication, collaboration and morale.” Study after study indicates that laughter is every bit as important to our overall health as a proper diet and exercise.
Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
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November 2014
Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries - March 21 - April 19
Cancer - June 21 - July 22
The fools of November will always remember the omen of the white owl which is “too much of a good thing makes it bad.” Don’t be so gauche, mon ami. If you keep brushing the opposition out of the way like flies on your pumpkin pie, your arena will eventually echo back to you it’s eerie ancient emptiness. Then we will be forced to baste your weary heart in day old turkey juice and leavins. Even a warrioress needs a posse.
A soul of caution you are. This places you out of the realm of personal experience. Say if the dancers of Le Moulin Rouge were trepidatious about their petticoats missing pieces, could we still call it the red windmill that turns around our heads, our stomachs and our hearts? Trust that you can, YOU Can-can.
The Ram
Taurus - April 20 - May 20
The Bull
Daniel Boone was a man, was a big man...on TV. He was only 4 ft. tall. But he was determined to be big! Like Bull, you, the determined settler who follows, builds and cultivates the soil. Even in a dust bowl you are earthy as french perfume. Take heed and recall in the “Sea of Grass” with Hepburn and Tracy. Supposedly Hepburn was needy and Tracy warned of a weedy seedy splendor in the grass. Don’t be an ass! Gemini - May 21 - June 20
The Twins
Je ne’n crois pas mes yeaux! It’s not a bird, it’s not a plane… actually, it is...a 20 sided mix of art and science, a ICOSAGON! This is you Gem. You may even outwit yourself at times due to your many face shifts. Meandering through your own kaleidoscope can be treacherous, but the sum of your interior corners seem to fair with the fun house. You’ll never be a regular square.
The Crab
Leo - July 23 - August 22
The Lion
Your people keep hammering at you about your monarchy while you’re trying to rest up for another conquest. The non-believers would be wise to follow your self-assurance especially when it surrounds you like glowworms illuminating the way. Show them how it’s done under the gun your Highness by calling ahead to have your filet de Turkey specially killed...it is afterall a moveable feast! Virgo - August 23 - September 22
The Virgin
You’re “tremblement de terre” fussy fit is stifling the very force of nature around you. Recall how the Swallows of Capistrano perfected their droppings every year because they trusted in the unknown. They somehow knew it would be put to good use. Your mission is finding the jewels in your skat. This will relieve you of your overall skepticism. Libra - September 23 - October 22
The Scales
Sacrebleu! You are so sauvage.
What else can be done for you!? Peel you some tape and save the sticky for your face-lift, or pop you a cork or French you a fry! You are so happy when others are doing your work. You are a superb listener...can you hear that stampede! A LIBRA-CON won’t work this time. No lucky charm can get you out of this overdue vision quest. Scorpio - October 23 -
November 21 The Scorpion You can administer instant arthritis with just a prick. You do nothing by half measures, but this could be an area of consideration. Too much of a good thing can leave you begging for more of less. With your incredible depth and brilliance this birthday could bring you the trust to be swept away by outside forces. Ouch! You did it again! I can’t feel my arm... Sagittarius - November 22 -
December 21 The Archer
WANDERLUST and wander you must! Is the grass greener on the other side? Does it smell like freshly cut lawn, or douse your senses with fertilizer? Your soul may need a peace treaty to recover from the simple fact that all life recycles. Over the hill and through the valley the grand discovery is that your perspective is what makes things anew. You can always wander all around wonder. Capricorn - December 22 -
January 19 The Goat
Purposeful pursuit making you purple? Time for a Belle Epoque. Letting your spontaneous parts
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By Bini play and run is essential for continued growth and prosperity. It all comes down to what you love to do. Put a cap CAP on your poverty stricken attitude and find a green space because presently joie de vivre is a La Mode. Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18
The Water-carrier
Touché! You are astrology itself. Wacky, witty, madcap and unorthodox. You deliberately provoke others to summon their most open mind...how divine. You know all is fair in love and war, a two-way Rue. Recycle a train station and create a turkey farm. Loving the unconventional indeed. Pisces - February 19 - March 20
The Fishes
A teepee in le Bois de Boulogne is very bohemian of you PI. You dive full heartedly into research. You could become une Legende Indiennne! You may encounter obscure characters in the park though and you being of half-body half spirit, you must ALWAYS beware of someone else’s hard luck story. Especially the funny ones in trench coats, known as Le Flasheur.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net
Put in Under the Christmas Tree There were three men sitting at a coffee shop talking about what they will be getting their wives for Christmas. One of them said, “I will be getting my wife something that goes from zero to 60 in six seconds.” The other asked, “What is that?” “It’s a Porsche Carrera,” he replied. The second man said, “Well I
will be getting my wife something that goes from zero to 100 in five seconds.” He was asked by the first man, “What could that possibly be.” The second man answered, “It’s a Ferrari, of course.” Finally the third man spoke up and said, “I got you both beat. I will be buying my wife something that goes from zero to 300 in two seconds.” The others were startled and one of them asked, “What in the world could that be?” The third answered, “It’s a scale.”
Phone rings... “Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy there?” “No Daddy, she’s upstairs in bed with Uncle
Bill.” “We don’t have an Uncle Bill.” “Yes we do he’s in bed with Mommy.” “OK honey, put down the phone run upstairs open the bedroom door and shout, “DADDY IS HOME!” A few minutes later she came to the phone and said, “I’ve done it Daddy. They both jumped out of bed with no clothes on. Mommy slipped on the rug and hit her head on the dresser and she’s not moving at all. Uncle Bill jumped out of the back window and hit his head on the side of the pool, I think he’s dead. (Long pause) ”Swimming pool? Is this 831.649.6496?” Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor.Submitted by the very funny Tony Deakin.
Smarty-Pants A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Day Off One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their PJs, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?” “Yes,” he replied reluctantly. She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”
Out of the Mouths ... One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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November 2014
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believe the mother lode I just dropped.” (Nonetheless, USA Today still found two other ads that upset its editors more.)
World’s Laziest Dog Sitter
By Chuck Shepherd Week of February 16, 2014
Our Cold, Dead Hands • The semi-obscure Florida Statute 790.15 took center stage in January following a Miami Herald report of a resident of the town of Big Pine Key who routinely target-shoots his handgun in his yard, with impunity, to the consternation of neighbors. The statute permits open firing on private property (except shooting over a public right of way or an occupied dwelling), and several cities have tried, unsuccessfully, to restrict that right, citing “public safety” in residential neighborhoods. (A 2011 lobbying campaign by the National Rifle Association, and a state supreme court decision, nixed any change in the law.) “Negligent” shooting is illegal, but only a misdemeanor. Thus, even skillful shooting next door to a day care center or in a small yard that abuts a high-trafficked pedestrian street is likely perfectly legal. One Florida legislator who was originally from Alaska noted that even in Anchorage people cannot fire at will in their yards.
Cultural Diversity • South Korea is a well-known hub for cosmetic beautification surgery, with a higher rate per capita than the U.S., but the procedures can be expensive, inspiring many young women
recently to resort to do-it-yourself procedures for their professional and romantic upgrades. A December Global Post dispatch noted that some might try to force their eyes to stay open without blinking (using a novel $20 pair of glasses for hours on end) as a substitute for costly “double-eyelid” surgery. Also in use: a $6 jaw-squeezing roller device for the face to push the jaw line into a fashionable “oval” form. One teen told the reporter she applies an imaginative contraption to her face for hours a day to pressure her nose into more of a point, which is considered a desirable Western look.
Acquired Tastes • In December, thieves in Wicklow, Ireland, raided a convent’s field at the Dominican Farm and Ecology Center, stripping it of its entire crop of Brussels sprouts. A nun at the farm said the sisters were devastated to miss out on the lucrative market for high-end Christmas dinners. • In January, Wal-Mart in China recalled its “Five Spice” donkey meat sold in some locations because the popular snack was found to be tainted—with fox meat.
Labor’s Influence in France • The French social security agency URSSAF initiated an enforcement action in December against the Mamm-Kounifl music bar in the town of Locmiquelic for underpaying employee contributions—in that the tavern encourages customers to bus their own tables and thus reduces its need to hire more servers. The owner denied he was trying to save money. “It’s (just) our trademark. We want the customer to feel comfortable, a bit like he’s at home.”
Questionable Judgments • Interesting Life Ahead: From the birth register of Elkhart (Ind.) General Hospital, reported by The Elkhart Truth, Jan. 19, 2014: “Tamekia Burks, Elkhart, daughter (named La’Soulja Major La’Pimp Burks, 6 lbs., 8 oz.), 3:20 p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2014.” • The makers of a product called Poo-Pourri garnered a “coveted” advertising award from USA Today in December as one of the five worst ads of the year. Toilet users concerned about smell are encouraged to spray Poo-Pourri on the commode, pre-use, and in the television ad, a Britishaccented female sits on the throne, extolling the product. Opening line: “You would not
• Tyler Smith, 23, was charged in December with violating the city animal care ordinance in Greenville, S.C., after a photograph was posted on Facebook of his father’s dog being lowered by rope from the secondstory balcony of an apartment. According to the posting, it was time for the dog to make a call of nature, but it was raining, and Smith preferred not to go downstairs with him.
Perspective • Three million Americans are infected with hepatitis C (as are millions more overseas), but a very recent drug, Sovaldi, completely cures it with 84 daily doses. However, its manufacturer, Gilead Sciences, has somehow determined that a fair U.S. price for the drug should be $1,000 per pill ($84,000 for the total treatment). Shouldn’t Gilead reduce the price once it has recouped its expensive investment, asked an NPR reporter in December? “That’s very unlikely we would do that,” said Gilead’s Gregg Alton, but “I appreciate the thought.” (According to NPR, Gilead “developed” Sovaldi merely by buying Sovaldi’s actual developer for $11 billion. At $84,000 per patient, Gilead would “recoup” that investment from the first 150,000 customers, leaving 2.85 million more U.S. patients to pay $84,000 each, for an income of $239 billion.) Copyright 2014. Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Cluck, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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November 2014
May You
By Rosie Sorenson
REST
Just because I’m sitting at my desk with a far-away look in my eyes doesn’t mean I’m goofing off. On the contrary, what I am actually doing is performing an offline transfer of information from my hippocampus to my neocortex. So there! We can thank some researchers at New York University for this lovely excuse, er, bit of information. A study published in Neuron reported on the findings of Lila Davachi, assistant professor of psychology, and Arielle Tambini, a doctoral candidate at NYU. They discovered that in order for their research subjects to strengthen their memories, it was best if they engaged in “active rest” shortly after learning something new instead of rushing on to a new task. So in case you have been feeling guilty for undertasking, you can now scoff at your overloaded multitasking brethren who surely don’t remember half of what they have been trying to stuff into their neocortexes because they’re not taking sufficient rest breaks. Come to think of it, isn’t that what cats have been trying to teach us for millennia? New mouse in the house? Attack it with all your might, then―rest! Let that new learning soak in so you have it at the ready for the next mouse assault. So you finally got that door lever to work so you can let yourself outside? Rest again. Don’t want to forget that tricky little maneuver. Just discovered that a low belly crawl accompanied by your best baritone growl results in Figaro, your nemesis cat, leaving
the neighborhood? OMG! Must rest now. Just completed a wild leap onto your Daddy’s chest this morning so he would wake up and feed you? Well, Dude, of course you must rest. We’d all be better off if we observed and imitated our feline friends. Studied two hours for that tricky exam? Time to cuddle up with your favorite teddy bear and rest, so as to allow that
What comes naturally to felines might well be applied to Congress.
knowledge to make its way up the information superhighway from your hippocampus to your neocortex. Just finished reviewing your tax returns in preparation for an IRS audit? Rest. Actively. Just went out on a blind date with a guy from Mars? You know what you must do―rest, big time. What comes naturally to felines might well be applied to Congress. Did you just read that 15-pound health immigration bill? Rest, for goodness sake, before you cast your vote. We need you to have all your hippocampus/ neocortex cells firing at the same time in order to make sense of that one. Want to bomb the heck out of another Middle Eastern country today? Please. Rest. Now! Have you just reviewed some banking industry report that recommends more de-regulation? How many times do we have to
www.foolishtimes.net tell you? Rest, rest, and more rest. Sd oiqe opern z./.cubv al;llk wkerj alew kjrj ray asd o8duf ;ljl df dfa al slkd fqu eorje lejsas df woe ru aljfl kas jdfla sdf… Oops, sorry about that. It’s just that I was working so hard this afternoon to learn all the insand-outs of Facebook, Twitter, and Zazzle that my hippocampus and my neocortex started smokin’. Must. Rest. Now. Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News, and others. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition for 2007 and is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck website. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. In 2006, she won its Listener Favorite Award. Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.
Me: Should I get into trouble for something I didn’t do? Teacher: No. Me: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
Answers on page 24
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November 2014
11
Let’s Give Thanksgiving By Debbie Harris
a WHOLE DAY
Thanksgiving is a strictly American holiday. It celebrates the plentiful harvest that sustained the land’s new settlers, who joined with the native peoples, who assisted them in their survival. In school we learn that this holiday celebrates abundance and gratitude. Very noble. So what happened to Thanksgiving? I mean, where did it go? It seems that since this lofty holiday sits between two more fun, exuberant, and well . . . commercial holidays—Halloween and Christmas, it gets lost. When I was a kid (lots of decades ago), Halloween was a kid’s holiday. The main objectives for kids were getting scared, and, more importantly, getting candy. With the exception of maybe our teachers, back then adults didn’t dress up for Halloween. They handed out candy and commiserated with other adults about how bad things have gotten because they have to check for razorblades in apples and LSD in Pixie Stix (which shows the changing times, since now at $10 a razor and whatever the cost of LSD might be, no one would waste these items on unsuspecting kids). Halloween has grown much more commercial over the years, now including adults to a much wider degree, and retailers love to sell Halloween merchandise to celebrating adults. Entire Halloween-themed stores show up in early in September and stay until after October 31. If you check any of these Halloween supply stores, you’ll see that about half the inventory is adult party supplies and adult-sized costumes. These costumes range
from Sexy Firefighter, Sexy French Maid, and Sexy Nurse to Sexy Vampire, Sexy Zombie, and Sexy Hideous Monster. What a variety! Once Halloween is over, the focus switches to Christmas, the next commercial holiday. Retailers may sell dishes, cooking supplies, and a few table or home decorations for Thanksgiving, but the merchandise possibilities are nothing compared to Christmas, which is a retailer’s peppermint dream. Mechanical Santas can yell “Ho, ho ho!” and “Merry Christmas” and it’s considered cute, but a mechanical turkey, who, when its stomach is squeezed shouts, “Be Grateful!” just seems too crass. There just aren’t a lot of merchandise options.
A mechanical turkey, who, when its stomach is squeezed shouts, “Be Grateful!” just seems too crass. You can sell just about anything during the Christmas shopping season and that season starts earlier and earlier each year. Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) used to be the official kick-off of the Christmas shopping season, starting as early as the minute the clock strikes midnight indicating the next day. Potential shoppers were cutting short their Thanksgiving celebrations, going to bed at about 3 p.m., so they can be up in time get in line at the store that’s giving out the best early bird gift. As of last year, Christmas shopping
started . . . on Thanksgiving! So instead of family and friends gathering to enjoy a bountiful meal and express how grateful they are, they gather together to car pool to the mall to knock down someone on the way to the electronics department and that fantastic deal they saw in the eight inch newspaper that was purchased at Starbucks that morning. After all, we Americans are consumers, and consumers don’t want to be grateful for what we have, we want to be grateful for what we’re going to have after we visit the 50 percent off “doorbuster” sale with our credit card. So, Thanksgiving, in my own small way, I’m trying to give you your due. I’m sorry you’re being squeezed out by the other holidays. You deserve better. Certainly the people who spend an enormous amount of time menu planning, food shopping, decorating, marinating, dicing, slicing, pureeing, chopping, measuring, mixing, whipping, tossing, steaming, roasting, baking, carving, and serving deserve more than the 20 minutes it takes 10 people to devour a meal, burp, and head for the sales. And so I shout from the printed page, “Be grateful!!” And have a happy, non-shopping, restful Thanksgiving!
What’s easier to give than receive? Criticism. What is there more of the less you see? Darkness. What kind of dress can never be worn? An address. What starts with an ‘E’, ends with an ‘E’, and only has one letter in it? An envelope. What bet can never be won? The Alphabet. What kind of coat can you put on only when it’s wet? A coat of paint. What flies around all day but never goes anywhere? A flag. If you have two coins, that add up to six cents, and one of them is not a nickel, what are the two coins? A penny and a nickel. (One was not a nickel, but the other one was!) What goes up and down, but never moves? A flight of stairs. What has only two words, but thousands of letters? A Post Office. What has a hundred limbs, but cannot walk? A Tree. What can you serve, but never eat? A tennis ball.
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November 2014
FOOL CURB on the
Stopping for a cup of coffee at a local Moss Landing spot to ask the following questions: 1. Why do aliens abduct humans if we are an inferior race? and ... 2. If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
Paul 1. Because we are all aliens. 2. My mother.
Chad 1.Because curiosity killed the cat. 2.The man on the dark side of the moon.
Matt 1. Life is a giant microscope - we study each other all the time. 2.The aliens.
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�Orange’nt You Glad You Know the Origin? A Shot of Whiskey In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey. The Whole Nine Yards American fighter planes in World War 2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.
Buying the Farm This is synonymous with dying. During World War 1 soldiers were
given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.
Iron Clad Contract This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.
Passing the Buck - The Buck Stops Here Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it was common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When
it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there.”
Riff Raff The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.
Ship State Rooms Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this
day cabins on ships are called staterooms.
Sleep Tight Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.
Showboat These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small towns along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating.”
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November 2014
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November 2014
I AM the EGG MAN
By Richard Matranga When I was seven, it was a big deal to climb into the 1952 Mercury, stand in the back seat and embark on an endless journey, about 20 miles, to the egg ranch near Stockton, Calif. It didn’t take much to entertain me in those days; watching the eggs rolling down the shoot, into the candling machine that spotted flaws, then into the carton, was the highlight of my week ... sad.
I generally didn’t pay much attention to parental bantering, but it began to get in the front seat. One Sunday afternoon trip stands out above all the others. Mom, Dad, my sister and I piled into the ’52 and headed for the “Ranch.” I got my weekly “fix” watching the hens, then listening to them cackle after relieving themselves of my future breakfast, including some coveted “double yolkers.” The Sunday afternoon ritual, which I considered far closer to a religious experience than Sunday school, was over within minutes and the family piled back into the Mercury and began the usually boring and uneventful trip home. I generally didn’t pay much attention to parental bantering, but it began to get loud in the front seat. Then I heard my Mom yell, “You stop this car right now,
Daniel or I’ll jump out.” My sis and I locked eyes and I’m sure I mirrored the absolute “terror” I saw in her face. We were paralyzed in silence in the back seat! Mom had her hand on the door handle. Just as I was readying myself to see the woman who gave me life open the door and take her own, she exercised her God given right as a woman, i.e., to change her mind. What I saw was a “blur,” then, almost simultaneously, I heard a loud “crack.” My dad took a wicked shot with the only weapon available in the car ... a carton of eggs. Time stopped, but the eggs didn’t. They oozed and dripped, double yolkers and all, down from the top of his flat top to his shoulders and right into his lap. I began the mental preparations for an untimely demise as my father drove in silence for about a quarter of a mile. Then he slowly turned and glared at my mother for what seemed like an eternity
... suddenly, they both broke into laughter. We made it home with one dozen eggs instead of two. I spent the rest of the day relentlessly interrogating my sister about the implications of this “traumatic” event and whether the broken eggs were “symbolic” of things to come. My sis was 11 and seemed to have the answers to every inquiry I ever posed, but the answer to this one eluded even her.
To this day, I don’t know how it got resolved or even what it was about. My parents were married 54 years until my Mom passed on in 1997. My Dad, who fell under her spell when he first saw her walk into his typing class in high school never remarried. Me? In deference to my Mom, I take my eggs over hard.
Importance of being
FOOLISH
17
Amnesia free Madame Scarlet Fervor DeGlace, born in 1614, tells her history from a petri dish. She recalls one vivid night when the rain soared and the sky thundered as she was swept mainstream. She tells how she got to Zea-lots of the New World, before her kiss put all to sleep. Years later she tried to send back a Pal-gram to thank all for such a feast, but all communication was ceased.
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November 2014
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman 1. “Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” A. Julius Caesar B. Ronald Reagan 2. “If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.” A. Billy Graham B. Woody Allen 3. “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.” A. Phyllis Diller B. Abraham Lincoln
The Riotous
RHYMESTER
By Stephen L. Millich
Thanksgiving The fourth Thursday of each November Is a day we all remember ‘Tis Thanksgiving, a time of feast Filled with food and the smell of yeast, Baking pastries and roasting meats, Candied yams and sundry treats, Pumpkin pie and minced meat too, A glass of wine or lager brew. At the end of the day with a bulging tummy We’ve given thanks for our meal, tasty and yummy. But the most grateful that I can be and say On this special and beloved holiday Is to my father and my mother I’m most thankful you found each other. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
4. What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? A. Socrates B. Erma Bombeck 5. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” A. Isaac Asimov B. George W. Bush 6. “The body of a young woman is God’s greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can’t have everything.” A. Louis Pasteur B. Neil Simon 7. “Life is a Near-death Experience.” A. Henry David Thoreau B. George Carlin 8. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” A. Jon Stewart B. Leonardo da Vinci Answers (all true): 1-B 2-B 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-A 7-B 8-A Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Flatulent 5-6 Thirsty 3-4- Pitiful 1-2Lumpy 0- Blissful Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
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By Lily Brun We’re in the throes of fall. Leaves are turning and falling to the ground. Even with little water, the drought tolerant shrubs are bushy and overgrown. It’s time to get out the pruning shears; time to crop and lop, snip and shape. Firmly grasping my pruning shears, I start to contemplate the task at hand but really, all that’s running through my head is that silly song from the Wizard of Oz scene when they’re in the Emerald City getting all spruced up ... Clip, clip here Clip, clip there We give the roughest claws That certain air of savoir faire In the merry old land of Oz Ha ha ha Ho ho ho
November 2014
And a couple of tra la las That’s how we laugh the day away In the merry old land of Oz Ha ha ha Ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho That’s how we laugh the day away In the merry old land of Oz Funny thing—or foolish, if you will—about the random associations our brains make and what affects they have on our behavior. I find myself pruning to the rhythm of that song. With a ho ho ho and a ha ha ha, I trim a little here, cut a little there and chop a chunk in the back. I step back to see my progress and, lo and behold, it’s the Cowardly Lion ... no, more like the Wicked Witch on her broomstick.
Could it be that I have a topiary career in my future? I’m having visions now (to go along with the song in my head) of a largerthan-life chicken in the pasture; a sad-sack burro down in the gully; oh, how about a giant Mickey Mouse in the front yard. If I get good enough I could maybe, just maybe, work for Disney.
A pair of pruning shears and a dream could lead me to the happiest place on earth? I just finished reading Walt Disney’s biography. He was a frontrunner in so many creative concepts, not the least of which was the reintroduction of portable style topiary. It was his attempt to bring his cartoon characters to life around the parks through the medium of landscape shrubbery. All I need is steel wire frame,
some sphagnum moss and there’s a Dumbo and a Grumpy and a Lady and the Tramp in my yard’s future. Wow! What started as a necessary, seasonal garden project has turned into a potential path to a lifelong dream ... working at the Magic Kingdom. Could it be so simple? A pair of pruning shears and a dream could lead me to the happiest place on earth? Wizard of Oz is out. Now, the tune from Pinocchio ... When you wish upon a star, Makes no difference where you are, When you wish upon a star, Your dreams come true. I look up, ready to make a wish but the blazing sunlight of reality blinds me into real time. Okay, my imagination has gotten the best of me. When I look at my creation, what I see is not a caricature topiary, it’s really just a really poor pruning job.
Gobble, Gobble Gobble! Answers on pg 24
Turkey Stuffing Sweet Potato Cranberry Cornbread Squash Pumpkin Mashed Corn Green Beans Collards Cauliflower Rice Pilaf Carrot Pecan Sausage Succotash Tomato Au Gratin
Three men walked into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it.
Closed Thanksgiving
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November 2014
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News fit to be
ESPRESSO CRÈME BRÛLÉE YIELD: 8 – 5
OZ RAMEKINS
12 each Egg yolks ¾ cup Sugar, granulated white 3 cup Heavy cream 2 ounce Kahlúa liqueur 4 teaspoons Instant espresso powder Softened butter, unsalted Sugar, granulated white
By Mary Tompsett Paul J Lee, CEC Director, Drummond Culinary Academy at Rancho Cielo Youth Campus. Chairman of the Board, ACF & LTB Monterey Bay Chapters
1. Preheat oven set at 275ºF. 2. Lightly butter the bottoms and sides of 8 fluted 5 ounce ramekins. Set the ramekins, evenly spaced, on 2 half -sheet pans lined with a clean cloth towel. 3. Heat Kahlúa in microwave for 10 seconds. Add to stand mixing bowl and combine with espresso powder to dissolve. 4. Add the granulated white sugar and egg yolks. Whisk to dissolve sugar. 5. Add heavy cream. Whisk on medium speed for one minute to blend. Don’t over whisk or you will create too much foam. Transfer mixture to a 1.5 quart pouring pitcher. 6. Gently pour the mixture into the buttered ramekins. 7. Place the sheet pans on bottom rack in the oven gently, being careful not to allow the custard to spill over the edges of the ramekins. 8. Gently pour warm water into the sheet pan to come up one third of the sides of the ramekins. 9. Bake until the custards are just set, approximately 75 minutes, depending on your oven. Remove the pan and cool on a rack. When cooled, transfer to a clean sheet pan and refrigerate. Brûlée: spoon sugar evenly on top of one portion, tipping the ramekin to spill off the excess. Carefully caramelize the sugar using a blowtorch. Server within 5 minutes.
Join us for Friday Night Dinners. Our new class of students looks forward to serving you. Reservations recommended: 831.444.3521 www.ranchocieloyc.org #1 in Salinas on Trip Advisor!
Thanksgiving... it’s like we don’t even try to come up with tradition. The tradition is we overeat. “Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?” “But we do that every day!” “Oh, what about if we eat with a lot of people that annoy the hell out of us?” –Jim Gaffigan
MOCKED
Police arrested a middle-aged woman for assault and drove her to the police station. By the time they arrived, the arresting officers discovered she had gnawed through their back seat’s upholstery and padding. Other than a report of a trail of shredded foam from the parking lot to the jail entrance, we’ve heard no additional details. Thus, we can only speculate that: - If the perp had worn braces, she might have escaped through the trunk. - Her subsequent constipation was a real bitch. - Anger management and/or a muzzle may be in her future. - …No…Seriously, the filthy back seat of a cop car?? Eeeeeeew. A pet burial company has offered services to comfort the bereaved owner. For a price, the company will turn Fido’s remains into jewelry or mix them with tattoo ink. I think I’d like a tat that said, shedding problem solved. On the other hand, whenever my beloved aging beagle goes belly up, I may ask my dentist to use her two stained but sharp canines as crowns for my front teeth. This would make chewing rawhide between meals a lot easier. The downside is that I’ll probably have to quit my flute lessons. But the jewel of recent news would have to be the lad who tried to cross the ocean from Miami to Bermuda by “running” inside a plastic floating bubble. Think: giant hamster ball. Due to bad luck, bad planning or bad genes, he was barely into the journey when the Coast Guard rescued him, exhausted and mumbling, “Which way is Bermuda?” FYI,
the helicopter rescue typically costs about $140k. His website gave these facts: - A shorter “test” trip of 33 miles took 12 hours to complete. The Miami-to-Bermuda attempt would be a distance of 1,033 miles. - To cool off from the 120 F° temperature inside, he planned to strap a leash to his leg and jump in the ocean. He would run 20 hours, sleep for 3, then spend an hour manually pumping his bubble to stay afloat. Food = protein bars and fish caught along the way.
For a price, the company will turn Fido’s remains into jewelry or mix them with tattoo ink. Fortunately, dear readers, the mother of the 46-year-old man gave me this exclusive comment: “So I told him, I said, do the friggin’ math! Thirty-three miles in 12 hours means you ain’t making 1,033 miles in less than two weeks. Figure three or four with any bad weather, getting sick, lost, yadda yadda. But does he listen?? No! Grabs a handful of granola bars and a jug of water. And catch fish?!? The idiot’s never fished in his life, used to spit out my tuna casserole. Oh yeah, cool off by jumping into the ocean. That’s brilliant. You ever try to get back in a boat in rough water while being dragged by your foot?? Fool can’t even swim. (Sigh.) I gotta go. A guy’s comin’ to change the locks on the house.” Copyright © 2014
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November 2014
21
By Ted Gargiulo I was a closet cheat. At 16, I had devised a fool-proof scheme for beating the system. I’d leave for school in the morning, same as always. En route, I’d switch trains and head off in a different direction. Not to play hooky, mind you, but to catch up on my homework. My sanctuary was the Brooklyn Public Library on Grand Army Plaza, where I’d tackle whatever assignment I was too sleepy (or too lazy) to finish the night before. Around 3pm, I’d leave, making sure I arrived home at my usual time. (Maintaining an outward routine was extremely important.) The following year, my school relocated to Bay Ridge, only 15 minutes away by bus, making my escape route even simpler. I’d disembark two stops early, walk to the library on 72nd and 4th and get busy. With practice, the charade got easier. I saved my academic butt, the school didn’t miss me, and my mom remained clueless. How did this rascal pull it off? I got my grandmother to sign my excuse slips. I’d write down what I wanted her to say (“Teddy was not feeling well yesterday, etc.”), then have her copy in it in her own hand. Next day, I’d take the note to the proper office, and voilà! First time, I begged her; she balked; I pleaded. Naturally the woman so adored me, she couldn’t refuse. Decades later, when I was too old to punish, I finally told my mom about my truancy, and my grandmother’s complicity. She gasped. “You got Grandma to lie for you???” On the surface, I was a good boy, cooperative, well behaved; followed the rules. No one expected trouble from me, either
at school or at home—especially not my mom. If she had, she wouldn’t have left her car keys hanging in the kitchen where a bored, unscrupulous 17-yearold could snatch them one day while she was away at work. Her Ted was too honest. Her Ted was too damned chicken to attempt anything so foolish as taking her car out in traffic when he’d never been behind the wheel in his life. So she thought.
I waited till my late 40s to come clean about the car episode. I felt I had to. You see, I had this dark, contrary streak coursing through my veins that surprised even me. I was not what I seemed. Then again, neither was anything else in my life since my folks separated. I saw that following rules and acting normal were little more than gimmicks that bought people credibility. (They sure fooled me!) And as with any hard
earned commodity, I figured what I did with my credibility was my own business. Reality was like a wad of gum: once it lost its flavor, I’d spit it out and chew something tastier. I waited till my late 40s to come clean about the car episode. I felt I had to. The confession blew my mom away! “You??? Impossible!”
Look, I’m not proud of my past. But haven’t lost much sleep over it either. Why? Because God knows I’m a new creation now. I’ve been forgiven. Remembering my life B.C. is like watching a movie of someone I barely recognize. Admittedly, it makes for some entertaining stories sometimes. No matter, I would not want that life back. Nor could I ever be that sort of person again.
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November 2014
Mira, WOW!
By Daria James
A Page of My Journal (No, It’s Not a Diary!) Funny is in the ear of the beholder, an unfunny person said that. Perhaps, to you and me a certain situation is worth a laugh out loud, for others it might not be. One time we forgot my little sister at the beach. We were about three miles out when we realized she was missing and my uncle turned his Ford Ranger around. We all got out of the back of the truck (those good ol’ days when we were living on the edge), ran back to find her and then I ran into her. She immediately slapped my arm and said, “Hey, I was looking for you all.” My mother found no humor in that. At all. Some situations are not funny at the time they are developing, they can be rather stressing, but they became a learning experience and we laugh about it afterwards. Another time at the beach, my little sister ran into the Mar of Cortez with her pool tire when a giant wave came and covered her and dragged her under the ocean. My cousin and I witnessed the incident and ran into the ocean to try to find her (I didn’t even know how to swim back then). Luckily, before I got into deep water, my sister popped up with her pool
tire and mud on her face and said, “I drowned for a moment.” There was also a high-spired shell in her pool tire which deflated the whole thing. When my sister realized she had a “flat tire” she started crying; no she did not cry when she almost drowned. My sister is still alive, she is hanging tough.
I’m like a Jet plane, I will not reverse. Unless I am writing poetry, in which case, I shall verse. Growing up in Sonora, Mexico I had a dysfunctional childhood along with my sister, but to me, it was all fun and games, like the time I took the bus and the only seat available was above the back tire. There was a hole in the bus and I could see half the tire spinning. Yes my foot could’ve fit there but I did not put my foot in there. I might have been 12 years old but I knew I had no money to pay for medical bills, or a new foot. I grew up without warnings before my Saturday morning cartoons; I knew not to attempt Bugs Bunny’s stunts. However, I did jump off the roof with an
www.foolishtimes.net umbrella. Gravity works. Note to self: Need bigger umbrella. Lessons were learned the hard way; lessons were learned the Mexican way. Although, we lacked many things in our home, I remained a dreamer; I knew I was going to escape el Mexico, I just did not know how; the good old-fashion coyote way, perhaps. That’s how you start from the bottom, Drake! Yeah, look at me now! My mom would be proud if I talked to her. But I have spent too much money on therapy to go back in time. I’m like a jet plane, I will not reverse. Unless I am writing poetry, in which case, I shall verse. Understand? Today, I live in California, although I decided to become “White” (Michael Jackson had it right). I broke family traditions all around; coming to America with a green card, got married to a Russian and then I became
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
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Q. Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory? A. He couldn’t concentrate.
pregnant after I finished College while serving in the U.S Navy. I do not enjoy the term “White.” I prefer to be an unorthodox Mexican y soy mujer! Raven Simone will not label herself and neither will I. But if I did, I would be me and no one else. I too, will survive.
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November 2014
I Poisoned my Daughter By Jim Dultz My daughter, Natalia, son-in-law, Steve and their two labs came for a visit for the holidays. Although Natalia always prefers fish to fowl, it was with a turkey the size of an ostrich that I poisoned my daughter, along with my sister-inlaw, Polly. I was looking for a smaller turkey but the grocer said it was the last one in the store. (Clue #1) This turkey, and I use the term loosely, I brined in sugar and salt and herbs and juniper berries for 24 hours in a cooler in the shade of our recently freezing pre-winter wonderland. (This was a few of years ago, when it still got cold!) The next morning, I stuffed the Big Bird with lemons and apples and onions, covered it with tinfoil, and placed it into a piping hot oven. Then I basted the ungrateful bird with its juices every half hour for 3 and one-half hours. Finally I skimmed the fat off the juice and turned the juice into gravy that everyone loved and drizzled over everything else that was made. It just doesn’t seem right that something you invest so much time in and care for could damage the ones you love, but there you go. “You should rinse the brine juice from the turkey prior to patting it dry,” my wife, Ellen tells me. But I ignored her suggestion, thinking it was ridiculous to wash off the flavor! “Never put the stuffing in the turkey,” she tells me. “Then why do they call it stuffing?” I protest. “My mom always stuffed our turkeys and I don’t remember anyone ever getting poisoned.” (By morning, I began having
second thoughts. As a young boy I was nicknamed “The Throw-up Kid” because I had the stomach flu so often. Maybe my mother was poisoning me after all, unknowingly, cheerfully, with her undercooked fried chicken and her pink butterballs.) Early morning reports confirmed that two of the nine of us were down for the count. Ellen was already busy surfing the Internet, investigating like a pro.
Early morning reports confirmed that two of the nine of us were down for the count. Here’s what she found: One in six Americans get food poisoning each year, usually around the holidays. If you are having a dinner party for 12, expect two of them to remember this dinner for a long time to come.
Of the 250 strains of bacteria which can cause food poisoning, salmonella is the most common and turkeys are the moist suspicious. (It was a type-o, but so true!) Man, was it moist! Bacteria is killed at 165 degrees. Ellen was right, the reason that the stuffing is often the culprit, is that cavity of the turkey takes the least amount of heat, but is usually to blame. Of the 48 million cases of food poisoning annually, 3,000 die, usually from dehydration. My advice: When in doubt, get a
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drink! To say I felt terribly sorry and horribly guilty would be a huge understatement, if understatements can be huge. I was sick I poisoned my family. Fortunately, no one died. Polly recovered fully, after only 12 hours of yuk, and Natalia was on prison rations for a nearly a week. My son in law, Steve, wrote a poem for the occasion: “My father-in-law tried to kill my wife. He used a turkey instead of a knife.” And this is what I’ve taken from the experience: If you cook a bird, prepare to eat crow. And if do you get sick, drink like a fish!
Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
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November 2014
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Foolish Search
Government Logic A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.” The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.” So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!! The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”
Answers from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
BlueScreen Computers of Monterey
Experts in infrastructure & maintaining computer productivity for home and business Complimentary consultation We build custom computers 831.372.3056
bluescreenmonterey.com
HANDYMAN Bob
CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
831.717.7917
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING
CERAMICS
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering daily pet sitting & dog walking. Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
AQUARIUM STORE
10th Street Ceramics
Great time to start your Holiday projects 100’s of unique items Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
The Ultimate Aquarium
Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff. 831.372.3474
theultimateaquarium.net
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
MAILBOXES The Mail Box Not just a pretty place with long and short term mailbox rentals. Live Scan Fingerprinting Notary services, passport photos Walk-ins Welcome 831.641.0931
SELF-DEFENSE Damsel in Defense Don’t be a statistic! Host a party to learn about safe & sassy personal protection products that you carry in your purse 408.529.5353 mydamselpro.net/ centralcoast-bayarea
WEIGHT LOSS BODY BY VI "PROJECT 10 CHALLENGE"... lose 10 lbs of fat or gain 10 lbs of muscle and help fight childhood OBESITY. ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE? 831.383.8226 Vi10christie.myvi.net
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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November 2014
January 2014
Ride the Bus Two blonds are waiting at a bus stop. When the bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver, “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?” The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.” Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “Will it take me?”
Left or Right This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, ‘Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...’
Over the Moon Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”
Come Fly with Me A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, “How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?” “Um, just a minute, if you please,” he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an
equally polite, “Thank you,” as the phone went dead.
Fatherhood A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”
It’s Greek to Me A blond guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, “Don’t waste your time on that one. She’s a lesbian.” The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, “So which part of Lesbia are you from?”
Lightheaded A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. “Can I help you?” he asked. “Yes,” replied the woman, “I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it.” “Did you drop it right here?” asked the cop “No,” responded the blonde, “I dropped it about a block away, but the light’s better here.” Two blonde robbers were robbing
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, “This is terrific!” “Don’t get too comfortable,” says St. Peter. “You’re only approved for a three-day stay.” Submitted by a guy who understands that you don’t know all about your medical policy until it’s too late.
a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!” The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!” The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
Geometry ‘A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please,” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
What is faster, hot or cold. Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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November 2014
Every Friday & Saturday in November
Planet Gemini
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com November 3
Housewife Day
Most women would rather be a stay at home mom than bring home a much needed paycheck. Heck, if guys could get pregnant we would want to stay home too. November 6-9
Big Sur Food and Wine
Unlike any wine event you could imagine. Magical Mystery Tour, Pinot Walkabout, Panel Tastings, Hiking with Stemware & Dinner, Grand Tasting and secret location events all centered around wine and food to fund scholarships for Big Sur residents and local nonprofits. www.bigsurfoodandwine.org November 8
Toast Masters Fall Conference
“Catch the Wave” with keynote speaker Judy Carter who utilizes comedy techniques to decrease work day stress and inspire. Enhance communicate and leadership skills. www.toastmasters.org November 8
December People
The Holiday Season starts with this annual show. Your favorite classic rock songs with a Christmas Carol twist played by guys who toured the world with the biggest acts in rock. The World Theater is going to be electric! Benefits Food Bank and SPCA. csumb.edu/worldtheater
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Through November 9
November 11
MPC Theater Company Dracula
Veteran’s Day Parade
Based on the original 1927 adaptation of the classic thriller that marvelously balances the menace of the horror tale with sophisticated satire. www.mpctheatreco.com November 9
Rods on the Wharf
Custom House Plaza hosts pre-1975 vintage cars and trucks. Music by Rock, Paper, Scissors. www.montereywharf.com November 9
Red Beans & Rice
The Turf clubs rocks with an afternoon of music, fun and friends to benefit Shelter Outreach Plus programs supporting homeless and those fleeing domestic violence . shelteroutreachplus.org November 9
Dana Carvey
The new owners of the Golden State Theatre are setting the bar high with “A” list performers. Carvey is very funny and to see him here is a treat. More shows on their website. www.goldenstatetheatre.com November 9
Albacore Feed
37th annual event to benefit M.B. Salmon and Trout Project. I wonder if “Friends of the Albacore” Have a Salmon Feed? Rec. Center, Castroville Info: 831.688.4257
Oldtown Salinas Our debt to every heroic man and valiant woman in the service of our county can never be repaid. salinasveteransparade.org November 13
Sadie Hawkins Day
In the ‘Lil Abner Cartoon in the 1930s, the mayor of Dogpatch was so desperate to marry off his ugly daughter he created a race where single men were given a head start and then chased by single women, including his daughter. When caught, he had to marry her. Memo to self: Run fast today! www.sadiehawkinsday.com November 14
Youth Arts Collective
See the work and meet the talented young artists; also known as YACsters. If you want to appreciate art, this is the place to be. www.yacstudios.org November 22
War by the Shore
Ultimate Combat Experience Fights come to Embassy Suites. 7 bouts of no holds barred fighting! Info: 831.383.9415 November 15
Alzheimer’s Workshop
Enhance your caregiving experience. Local author Wanda Proost shares from her new book based on firsthand experience to utilize intimate “stay in the moment “ approach. RSVP 831.375.7553
November 20
Friends of P.G. Library
Meet author, David J. Gordon as he discusses his new book, “Carmel Impresarios: A Cultural Biography of Dene Denny and Hazel Watrous, the Visionary Women Who Brought Music and Harmony to Their Community and the World.” I hope the book is longer than the title. www.pglibraryfriends.org November 20
Great American Smokeout Duhhh…quit smoking! I did, you can too. www.cancer.org November 22
Friends of Homeless Women
The Elks Lodge hosts this brunch and silent auction in support of helping homeless women in Monterey County. Info: 831.372.7432 November 27
Thanksgiving Day
We wish all of you a happy and wonderful Thanksgiving From the Chucklehead and his fools November 27
Community Thanksgiving Dinner
at the Monterey fairgrounds. Volunteer the day before to prep or the day of to serve. Or show up for a great dinner 11-3pm A free community event November 29
Shop Local Day
Once upon a time there was a land where retail merchants lined downtown streets and malls and online shopping didn’t exist. Support the local businesses today and every day
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November 2014
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
SPCA Benefit Shop
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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NCI Affiliates, Inc.
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110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899
RESALE
www.nciaffiliates.org
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TRAIL
Ash Resale – Finders Keepers
8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
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105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
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Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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Featured Shop
SPCA for Monterey County: Shop for gorgeous furniture, unique gifts, boutique clothing, housewares, artwork, jewelry, and more knowing that your donations help rescue pets and wildlife in Monterey County. November 20-23 is our annual Glitz & Glamour Jewelry Event featuring new, vintage, and costume jewelry, couture footware, and designer handbags. More info: www.SPCAmc.org