October 2014
I ate the dog that was scheduled for the cover...
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October 2014
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World Theater Performing Arts Series
EVERY MONDAY FREE ADMISSION • Fresh Produce • • Food Booths • • New & Used Merchandise • ATTENTION ALL VENDORS: Vendor set up starts at 7:30 No reservations required. Buy booth same day!
At the Monterey Fairgrounds Open 9-5pm • Gate 8 • Rain or Shine
Valley of the Heart is a love story, rooted in historical events set in the fer�le Santa Clara Valley in 1941. Opening in the days leading up to Pearl Harbor, it is the interac�on of two families‐the Yamaguchis and the Montanos. Coming out of the Great Depression, both immigrant families struggle to provide for the future of their children. Emo�onal stakes are heightened when the Japanese a�ack Hawaii on December 7, 1941 throwing the families into uncertainty. Issues of loyalty and patrio�sm provoke both rebellion and heroism among young, imprisoned Japanese Americans while both Thelma and Benjamin ght to maintain their dignity, iden�ty, family and love in the face of war, fear and separa�on.
WriƩen & Directed by Luiz Valdez
October 18 • 8:00 ÖÃ October 19 • 2:00 ÖÃ For disability related accommodaƟons, contact the World Theater
4th Annual
Food & Wine Festival Come Experience the Salinas Valley Lifestyle World Class Wine • Gourmet Food Art • Music • Culture • Friendship Saturday October 11th • Noon – 5 Oldtown Salinas
FREE ADMISSION (tasting not included)
Advanced tickets and more info:
salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com Also at event
831.582.4580
csumb.edu/worldtheater
October 2014
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Brian Iglesias, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, Chris Myers, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood,
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
I have a cat and he constantly pressures me into doing things. I lived in Aptos when I rescued him from the shelter and he hated the foggy days. He was going to leave me unless I bought him a house in the sunshine. I did as I was told. He always tried to hide in the morning knowing I was going to throw him outside when I left for work. If I had to work, I wasn’t going to allow him to lie around all day and not pull his weight. I told him to either get a paying job or contribute by sitting by a gopher hole and wait for one to pop its little head out. No explanation is needed for what was going to happen. After we lost our home in Corralitos to a landslide, we moved to Seaside. After that we parted ways and he moved to Salinas and I lived in Monterey. He had a new best friend in a 45 pound dog who he loved more than me. He allowed me to visit and when he moved with his dog to Monterey he called to let me know he was closer and wanted to see more of me. What a guy. Everything is on his terms. I guess I raised him right.
I love October. Halloween. Orange. Fall colors ... yes, even here in California. Orange. Harvest time ... the last of the summer crops are coming out of the ground. Orange. Oktoberfest. Pumpkin spice. My favorite color is orange; did I say that? For those of you who like to dress up in costumes, check out Fool on the Curb for some new ideas. There is a bushel-basket full of fall events this month, so be sure to take a look at Foolin’ Around Town. And Dracula is playing at Monterey Peninsula College for those of you who want a scary night out ... that’s not about trick-or-treating! In this issue, we pay tribute to the very funny Joan Rivers who just recently passed away, with some of her characteristically sarcastic sayings scattered throughout the paper. We’ll miss her honest humor. Be safe this month.
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
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October 2014
Entertainment at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.” The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
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“Shit!”, said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center
Seeing Eye Dog A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he got in, he started swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, “I’m just lookin’ around.”
God’s Funny Side As a young man, Edgar was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Edgar, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Edgar woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Bishop he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Bishop left the room, Father Edgar headed out
of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not. “Just then Father Edgar hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied,”Who is he going to tell?”
The Start of Something Big A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious at this point. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfing all day. Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunk, fat slob, and furthermore ...” The man sighs and says, “See? It’s started.”
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award–winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf, Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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October 2014
“A light-hearted attitude helps you over the rough spots. Life isn’t a smooth four-lane highway. It’s got a lot of pot holes. When you hit a pot hole, you get a flat tire, there’s no sense moanin’ and groanin’. Find something funny about it and it’ll help you get over it.” - Joe Garagiola, Professional Baseball Player/Sportscaster
Finding Fun in Foul-ups The movers and shakers of the world don’t always concur. But most do agree on one aspect of business: the bottom line depends on good customer service. A sign prominently displayed on the desk of an Arizona auto dealer says: Customer Service Means You’re Still Polite to the Customer Even After The Check Clears. Foul-ups happen all the time. but when the problem is acknowledged, corrected, and handled with good humor, the customer’s resentment is neutralized. Case in point: At the Newark airport, a United Airlines flight was canceled and all the passengers were lined up
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at the gate to book another flight. Suddenly, a man pushed his way up to the front of the line, slapped his ticket on the desk and yelled at the woman behind the counter, “I have to be on this next flight and it has to be in first class.” “I’ll be happy to help you,” she said, “but all these people in line are ahead of you.” He sneered and shouted, “Do you have any idea who I am?” The agent grabbed her public address microphone and said, “May I have your attention, please! We have a passenger here who does not know who he is ... If there is anyone who can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.” Everybody standing in line began to laugh. The guy was furious and cursed at the agent using the F-word. He yelled, “F____ you!” Without flinching, she threw back her shoulders, smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.” As this irate Mr. Smooth stormed away the other passengers began applauding. Although the flight was canceled and passengers were
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. – Joan Rivers
inconvenienced, one witty United employee had lightened a tense situation and redeemed the company with the use of humor. Successful people recognize that a light approach is a way of life. They strive to manage body, mind, heart and spirit as effectively as they manage business.
They tend to be more creative, less rigid and more willing to consider and embrace new ideas and methods.” Adopting a lighter attitude on the job is not only conducive to a lofty level of professionalism, but it encourages the indispensable attributes of competence and responsibility. Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
Lighter is Better The executive recruiting firm of Robert Half International conducted a survey among personnel directors and vice presidents in 1,000 of the largest corporations. Here are the findings of their exhaustive study: 84 out of 100 respondents agreed that people with a sense of humor do better at their jobs than those with little or no sense of humor.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. - Joan Rivers
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October 2014
Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram Yet, another idea...a farce-booka-thon! Running for 27 hours in virtually the same cyberspace circuit. You conceded to amatuer conversation, concluding with thousands of “Likes,” such pizazz. Then why do you feel like a jittery desert, you wonder. Just think what you could do with a kiss-a-thon. Certainly your lover would prefer. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 The Bull Hurry up! You loathe being rushed...move it! This disgusts you especially when you are so dependable and always show up. You are more than your data, more than what your profile claims you to be. Into the deep dark depths of your Bullish ass lies a soul ready for a quantum leap. Shine up your nose ring and show your contacts what real time communication is about. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 The Twins Has anyone made you laugh lately? Listen to yourself gossiping. You can only fritter your twitter just so much before your face resembles a snapchat. You may cry salty tears after you hear what “they” have been saying about you, things like toil, boil and hedge-pig whined. Not quite what you had in mind is it? Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab Can one kiss do all of this? If it’s Dracula’s, hell yes! Even your ringtone is playing “Bite Me.” Don’t rush headlong into anything. First you need a transfusion before you can trust how you feel. Clear history and Refresh before you count on The Count to tell how many tweets it takes to make you twitch.
Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion How long has this world shaking conversation been going on? Small talk is not for you, unless it’s all about you. This Hyena co-worker has spritzed its wits all over you for the last time! You are cool as a cucumber until your tail taps a haunted rap song and there lies a litany of diverse tempestual rhythms. You are a big star, I assure you, it’s just that the monitor is small. Virgo - August 23 - September 22 The Virgin Head of Toad...Keep in mind you are a person who thinks. This is a means to a beginning. Behind the curtain of an exotic neurotic thrives a functional advantage: Being able to refer to your ethics on a daily basis. You wouldn’t be caught dead at the end of a camera tentacle that was hoovering your personal data and distributing it to say FarceBook, Fritter or Welp! Libra - September 23 - October 22 The Scales You are thinking that the way you feel must be illegal! (Is it?) Since you are the Tiffanys of the Zodiac, extorting advertising dollars for your birthday desires is a synch with all that Libra-L charm. You shall get all your birthday wishes this year because you are so linked in! (But, just n’ case have the GodFather on speed-dial). Scorpio - October 23 - November 21 the Scorpion A passive You doesn’t blow. That is exactly what Farce-Book is, a passive view on events occurring willy nilly throughout the day. No wonder you are tooth of wolf after shedding your identity...careful that it doesn’t bleed into an
unrestrainable behavior that could destroy that eloquent anonymity of yours. Sagittarius - November 22 - December 21 the Archer There is lot’s of itchy, witchy, bitchy in the air! What happened SAG to your joie-de-vivre?! Did you get swiped from the predicts of what “they” think might interest you? Autumn in New York or golf in the Ozarks? You can’t decipher where all this spam is coming from-Wool of Bat! What APP really stands for is, Apply Pressure Promptly to injury or end up in the outlands alone! Capricorn - December 22 - January 19 The Goat Melancholy Baby ~ You desire real conversation and not some pasted post of pictures from a third party posing as a friend. It’s been a long time since you’ve bitten the neck of a juicy intelligent conversation. Arrgh! It’s ok pumpkin, all desires coming from where you least detect it.
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By Bini Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier When Faced with a head-on approach you tend to retreat! Face it and see through the shadow lurking. This could be a case of human trafficking...‘round about that cauldron of yours, seek the antidote for being sucked in. Whatever it takes, toe of frog or a fenny snake, be the person in private that you reward yourself for in public. Pisces - February 19 - March 20 The Fishes Whispered in the moon’s eclipse... your thousand Faces speak. Still remain unique, elusive, untouchable and mysterious, and no, not a freak. PI you have a modern day quality with a touch of the ethereal. Not too many get you babe. Makes no difference at all because your daydreams are your truest reality. Edge your way to the cliff’s crest and dive into the vastness of your imagination and peak!
By Monty Truitt
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October 2014
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net
Senior - Trying to Set Password WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbages ShovedUpYourAssIfYou Don’tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER:ReallyPissedOff50Bloody BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. Thanks to our Foolish Mary.
Three Wishes A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across
an old brass lamp. “This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!” POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Not Fair A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, “Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.” So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. “Well,” he said, “Both of you got the same score except I’m going to choose the geek.” The jock complained, “Don’t you think that’s prejudice or something?” “Well,” the boss said, “Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered ‘I don’t know,’ and then
when I looked at your paper, you answered, ‘Me either’.
Day Of Judgement Exam One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven. They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?” The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: “That would have been the Titanic, right?” St. Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder.
“How many people died on the ship?” The garbage man had a great mind for trivia and said 1228, to which St. Peter said, “That happens to be right. Go ahead.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “What were their names?”
Free Haircuts A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a free house alarm system at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. – Joan Rivers
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October 2014
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of dogs becoming addicted to licking cane toads (which notoriously protect themselves by a venomous secretion that can be hallucinogenic). One vet told Brisbane’s Courier-Mail of individual “serial lickers” treated for cane toad poisoning several times a year.
Who Knew That Racoons Were Easily Offended?
By Chuck Shepherd Week of February 9, 2014
Modest Meat • The International New York Times edition published in Kuala Lumpur on Jan. 22 carried a page-one story noting increased worldwide demand by meat processors for pigs raised in the fresh air rather than enclosed in pens—illustrated by a photograph of a cluster of pigs feeding in an outdoor stall. However, the Malaysian printer (who had downloaded the digital pages and set them to paper) had added black boxes to cover just the faces of each pig in the photo. “If there is picture of nudes or (the) like, this we will cover (up),” a publisher’s spokesman told the Malay Mail. “This is a Muslim country.” (The story, headline and photo were otherwise identical to the versions that appeared elsewhere in New York Times editions.)
The Entrepreneurial Spirit! • The convenience beverage market got jumbled recently when, first, Oregon-based Union Wine Co. announced in November that it would soon sell its Underwood pinot gris and pinot noir in 12-ounce cans and, second, the London department store Selfridges unveiled a champagne vending machine for New Year’s celebrations. (The French bottler Moet &
Chandon offered bottles of bubbly behind glass doors for the equivalent of $29.)
• Marketing Challenges: (1) “Does Germany really need a gourmet restaurant for dogs?” asked Berlin’s Bild newspaper. Regardless, the Pets Deli in the Grunewald neighborhood of Berlin offers servings for the equivalent of about $4 to $6, either take-out or arranged in metal bowls on Pets Deli’s floor Said owner David Spanier, lauding his upscale, healthful treats, “Junk food is bad for animals.” • (2) Around Tokyo, “idle boredom is an impossible option,” wrote Vice.com in December, as a reporter described a resort just out of town where one could swim in a pool of green tea, coffee, sake or (the most popular treat) wine. “A giant bottle of merlot” spilled into a pond the size of a minivan, he wrote (while braving the Yunessun resort’s warnings not to drink from the pool). Though both-sex nudity is tolerated in Japan’s hot springs spas, Yunessun discourages it. Weird Science
The Joy of Researching • A team of Czech Republic researchers led by Vlastimil Hart, writing in Frontiers in Zoology in December, reported that dogs (among a few mammals), dealing with a nature’s call, spontaneously align their body axis with the
Earth’s magnetic field. To reach that conclusion, the researchers said they observed 70 dogs of 37 breeds during defecation (1,893 observations) and urination (5,582) over a twoyear period.
If We Can Do It, We Should Do It • (1) ThinkGeek.com has introduced the Tactical LaserGuided Pizza Cutter, at a suggested $29.95, for helping to achieve straight-line precision in those difficult four-cut (eightslice) pizza formulations. • (2) From the Japanese lingerie manufacturer Ravijour comes a bra whose front clasp can be locked unless its built-in heartrate monitor signifies that the heartbeat is characteristic of “true love.” (Ravijour said it is still testing the bra.)
The Kingdom • Man’s BFFs: (1) The Battersea Dogs and Cats Home in Fulham, England, admitted in December that a rescued Staffordshire bull terrier, Barney, had a ladies’ underwear-eating habit and that potential adopters should keep him away from laundry baskets. (In his first days at Battersea, officials say, he “passed” knickers three times.) • (2) The Cairns (Australia) Veterinary Clinic warned in December of several reports
• The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals condemned a Pet Expo in Greenhithe, England, in October after reports emerged that a trainer had showcased “Melanie,” a racoon who rides a bicycle-like device, apparently to great acclaim. An RSPCA statement denounced the expo for “degrading” a “wild animal” in such a “demeaning light.” Leading Economic Indicators
Management Comes to the Terrorism Industry: • In November, the Army of Islam (Syrian rebels) announced, via a dazzling, fully functional website, that it had job “vacancies” in the fields of graphic design, photography, printing, journalism, reporting and media promotion and programming. The anti-Assad force already has a Facebook page featuring videos of alleged military victories. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd, Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816581-7500
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. – Joan Rivers
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October 2014
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Mira, WOW!
By Daria James
Philosophical thoughts of my, oh, something shiny! - I am an unorthodox Mexican living in America. I was born and raised in Sonora, Mexico (street creed can’t get better than that). I grew up hipster; I had worn out shoes, worn out/ripped jeans, and old shirts. Shopped at a thrift store, although back then I was just poor. - I used to watch the radio as a child; our TV was broken for a while. - Growing up, I looked up to my dad. He wasn’t successful, he was 6’5”. - When I came to America in 2001, I was 18 going on 15 (I was sheltered, not my fault). My English was very fresh off the boat, or very Los Angeles depending on which angle you approached. - Drake says he started from the bottom; I looked at a map. That is a lie. Canada is way up high. Drake had a swimming pool in his back yard growing up, not many poor children can say that. #thestrugglewascanadian - I like comedy that is dumb, yet smart, like the sweet and sour chicken of the mind. - A Mexican fast food restaurant wants to cultivate thoughts, they use famous artist, poets, comedians and other stars, none of them are Mexican, not even Juan. - I have never been able to outthank a waiter at a Chinese restaurant. Thank you is an ancient art, rapidly going out of style. A’int nobody got time to thank! - I put some bullets on my paper.
Sweet, sweet revenge, English gentleman style. Take that Shakespeare. - I do not finish sentences, I am Mexican. I Mexi Can! - During arduous times jobs are scarce, but if even the whale in the Bible got a Job, why do you say you can’t? - I have add but I’m not good at math. - My friend said I was an artist, I said no, I like to take showers. - My husband went to the doctor, he was prescribed reading glasses. A few weeks later the doctor gave him an inhaler. So I took his lunch money and shoved him in a locker. Love hurts. - They say, “Kill them with kindness.” I say beat them with logic so they can live and share your victory with you. A more sophisticated “in your face!” Because we are all adults here. - I heard a song on the radio that said, “so, let me get you in your birthday suit.” I say no thank you, not covering me with blood and vernix caseosa. (Google it). - Some guys hate the F word. Foreplay. - My grandma saw me holding hands with my boyfriend; she said “back in my day, decent girls would not hold their boyfriend’s hands.” I said: in modern times, if a girl wishes to remain decent, she must hold her boyfriend’s hand. - My teacher asked me for a reflection paper. I turned in a mirror. Best reflection ever! Das Ende! O Tan-Tan! En Español
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
Answers on page 24
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Once a
By Ted Gargiulo I hated sports. Could you blame me? In school I was fat (I still am), I was clumsy (I still am) and I couldn’t run to save myself. I was neither rough nor tumble, and didn’t know diddleypuke about blending in. Not surprisingly, this fool was the last person kids wanted on their team. And they let me know it too! Hard to believe, I started out liking gym class in the early grades, when the games we played were fun and simple. Once the activities became competitive, they ceased being fun. I used to love kicking a soccer ball around…until I realized that there was an actual strategy and skill involved in playing soccer correctly. Did that ever put a damper on things! My teammates were constantly screaming at me for making the wrong moves, like failing to guard my man (whatever that was supposed to mean), or kicking the ball into the other team’s goal. Big deal!
How could I cultivate a passion for a game from which I’d felt excluded since day one? Basketball and softball were no different. I never understood how all the other kids could run onto a field and instantly know what was going on and what they were supposed to do. Who told them the rules? Where was I when they were secretly developing their skills? (Probably off by myself
FOOL
somewhere, playing choo-choo train.) It’s not as though I had a dad or an older brother at home to turn me on to these activities, or disciple me in the fine art of kicking butt on the playing field. I was pretty much on my own when it came to that. And I discovered early on that this was one universe where I was not welcome. I participated in these games at school only because I had to. I wanted to be good. I wanted to have fun as much as anybody else. But kids my age were so freaking intent on winning and being the best at everything, they had no patience for chubby little screw-ups with good intentions. Forget about following sports on TV or radio. How could I cultivate a passion for a game from which I’d felt excluded since day one? Watching baseball bored the crap out of me. Football made no sense to me whatsoever. All those bodies scurrying about, colliding and piling into each other. Plus, the ball wasn’t even round!
Go figure! Ah, but this screw-up did so excel at writing. What he lacked in physical prowess, he more than made up for in imagination. And whatever respect he surrendered on the playing field, he more than earned when he read his stories aloud in class. I’ll never forget the day my entire fourth grade applauded after I’d read them my retelling of “Aladdin’s Lamp.” It was part of a class writing project to finish the classic story in our own words. My version blew them all away, including the teacher. Everyone demanded a
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personal copy, and my mom had to type the entire piece (three solid pages, single-spaced, on a Royal manual) and make Photostats for each member of the class. Took her almost a week. hat was when the writing bug first bit me, and I’ve been a pen-wielding, keyboard-tapping, prose-loving fool ever since. So, go ahead, tell me I’m fat!
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. – Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
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October 2014
When is a KITTY
By Rosie Sorenson
not a
Every once in awhile you learn something that rocks your world, such as: there is no privacy on the internet; Pluto is not a planet; chocolate is not at the top of the Food Pyramid. Now another cold shock is reverberating throughout the universe: Hello Kitty is not a cat. Oh, my. For 40 years, billions of Hello Kitty fans, including moi, have cherished her, spent money on her, have loved her, and now it all feels like one long sucker punch of a bad date―deceived again!
She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. If Hello Kitty is not a cat, then there’s no such thing as gravity; pigs do fly; and Ted Cruz will become President. Sanrio, the Japanese company that owns the $9 billion Hello Kitty empire, inadvertently launched this kerfuffle when it corrected the text for the upcoming Hello Kitty exhibit in Los Angeles written by anthropologist Christine Yano. Dr. Yano stumbled into the kitty litter big time when she described Hello Kitty as a (gasp!) cat. Even though Dr. Yano has spent 10 years researching and writing her definitive text, Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific, and ought to know whether or not HK is a cat,
CAT?
Sanrio was quick to differ. Here’s what Dr. Yano had to say in the Los Angeles Times (August 27, 2014): “ . . . That’s one correction Sanrio made for my script for the show. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl.” Oh snap! Sanrio continued by saying, “She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature.” Wasn’t it bad enough when, as a cat, Hello Kitty had no mouth? Now they have go and tell us that all this time she was really a little girl? But still―no mouth. Doesn’t that give you the shivers? Why would they want a little girl with no mouth? Could it be because she might say things they don’t like? Because she might declare her contempt for Mr. Sanrio by screaming: “What’s up with the whiskers, dude?” Seriously, this tells me they’re pretty messed up at Sanrio. What kind of psychosocial derangement is going on here? I doubt there are enough psychiatrists in all of Japan to unravel this riddle. Our DSM-V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, fifth edition), the bible for all psychotherapists in the USA, would probably assign a diagnosis of “gender identity disorder,” “delusional disorder,” or “body dysmorphic disorder,” to the folks at Sanrio who deny HK is a cat. I have a suggestion. Why not label it for what it really is: “Just Plain Stupid Disorder.”
www.foolishtimes.net Maybe it’s time to pack our Hello Kitty bags and leap from the Sanrio crazy train. Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News, and others. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition for 2007 and is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck website. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. In 2006, she won its Listener Favorite Award. Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.” - Joan RIvers
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
A guy walks into a pub in London and says, ‘Give me a beer and a large Vodka mate I’ve had a tough day at work.”’ The bartender replied, ‘What do you do?’ ‘I take care of the corgis- you know the dogs that the Royal family owns.’ The bartender said,’ I bet that’s a tough job’ “Well all that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t that smart either’ Submitted by Tony Deakin. Tony is the owner & your host at Crown & Anchor
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October 2014
Halloween and By Rex Keyes
Joan Rivers
Okay, so now the biggest holidays of the year are soon upon us: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Being prepared and tackling them one at a time can be a lot of fun. Halloween is a big time for adults and children. Take the kids out early trick or treating and then get dressed up for the adult party. Halloween is the one time we celebrate evil and things that go bump in the night; witches, goblins, ghosts and what have you. It is amazing that in less than two months we celebrate good; angels, saints, Santa Claus and whatever else is spiritual. But for Halloween it is party time and time to dress up in your favorite costume and go out. The
January 2014
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decision is what to be. One can be anything his heart desires from Cinderella, to the bad witch to a pirate or a cowboy to name a few favorites. Now the thing is to actually practice what one is dressed up to be. As a pirate can you say aaaargh? As Cinderella can you curtsy and be sweet? It can be a tough acting job and practicing at home can help out a lot. But don’t get carried away at work and answer the phone like a character from “Gone With the Wind,” “Hi ya all, this is the Acme Corporation” or when your boss gives you a bad assignment hold off saying “aaargh.” If you’re the boss try not saying to your employees, “Maties, I’ll have ya walk the plank if that assignment is not done on time”
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
This can only happen in Philadelphia: As a fourth year medical student doing a rotation at a Catholic hospital, I went into a patient’s room to examine her. The room was a semi-private one, with a curtain between the two beds. I drew the curtain closed as the patient’s roommate was on the commode and I think all of us felt uncomfortable. While listening to my patient’s lungs, I was interrupted by a priest who had come in to offer Communion. He saw me and said that he’d come back in a few minutes. He then proceeded to give Communion to my patient’s roommate while she was sitting on the commode. No words can justify the Catholic guilt running through my mind about this true story!
rather than the standard everyday, “Your job is on the line if you don’t finish the assignment on time.” Now in the old days if a person gave out cheap candy, which is mostly that hard stuff, then kids would soap the screen door. Nowadays they egg your house just like Justin Bieber did to his neighbors. Now to prevent that, give out chocolate bars like Almond Joy, Milky Way, Snickers, M&Ms or Three Musketeers. Double Bubble Gum is still a favorite and there are a few exceptions to hard candy like lollipops. There was an old lady in our neighborhood who welcomed us into her house at Halloween every year and gave us a small bottle of Coca-Cola and chocolate chip cookies. It was great but we did not stay too long and made sure we all left at the same time. Maybe it was because of that big oven she had in the house and the fact she resembled the witch in “Hansel and Gretel” that cooked children. In closing I give my respects to
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an excellent comedian, Joan Rivers, who passed away in September. She was a controversial person who spoke what she thought in the world of humor. As a stand-up comedian she was at the top of the list. On her program, “Fashion Police” everyone was under the gun. Her co-hosts use to shake their heads at some of her comments and at fashion shows, on the red carpet, famous actors and actresses would ask for her advice on what they wore.
Nowadays they egg your house just like Justin Bieber did to his neighbors. Here are just two quotes from Joan Rivers: “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Nieman Marcus – that way I’d visit him every day. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and then she said ‘get the hell off of my property.’”
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October 2014
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The Riotous
RHYMESTER
by Stephen L. Millich
Halloween Coming up is an eve so keen The children’s feast of Halloween Up to your door to “Trick or Treat” Reward them with a yummy sweet In order to make their trek a dandy Fill up their bags with cookies and candy If you don’t you’re a no-good meanie Who’s just another Hallow-weenie. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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October 2014
By Lily Brun
How ‘Bout Them Apples? Apple trees and the number one fruit tree home gardeners buy. And right now, it’s apple-pickin’ time. The dog days of summer are over and the leaves have begun to fall. Harvest time is upon us. All of the apples are gone from my trees. Some fell to the ground I gave those to my chickens. Some the birds, perched on a branch, pecked a meal’s worth; which I picked and gave to my chickens. And some the squirrels got, which disappeared down into their burrows. Maybe I’ll get apple trees there. It’s more likely that I’ll just get more squirrels. The apples that were left,
I picked and brought into my burrow, so to speak. I had dreams of making an apple pie or apple pandowdy or a grunt or slump or sonker or buckle. Maybe even a crisp a crumble and a cobbler. But then I got sidetracked. What is a dowdy? A slump and sonker sound like baseball terms to me. Grunt - isn’t that what pigs do? I know a buckle is something on a belt or a shoe. What does all this have to do with apples? As I sat munching my own White Winter Pearmain, I got out my red-checked Betty Crocker cookbook that had been my grandmother’s to see what I could find out. Here are the core differences: Pandowdy - a funky looking apple
Tricks are fun; Treats are better Answers on pg 24
Snickers Milky Way Reeses Zero Goodbar Mars Oh Henry Payday Baby Ruth Mounds Krackel Almond Joy Kit Kat Heath Skor Crunch Butterfinger Twix Musketeers Caramello
dish baked in, of all things, a pan. Imagine that. Sonker - a deep-dish pie unique to North Carolina. There’s even an annual festival celebrating this, also known as zonker, dish. Buckle or crumble - like a cake but with fruit mixed in to the batter. The topping is crumpled looking ... thus the name buckle or crumble. Although, how crumpled becomes crumble I have yet to figure out.
I had dreams of making an apple pie or apple pandowdy or a grunt or slump or sonker or buckle. Grunts or slump - kind of a pudding, kind of a dumpling with fruit. Generally cooked on the stove top. The name grunt comes from the sound the fruit makes as it’s cooking. Slump ... just another name for grunt. Maybe the grunt is a expulsion of air and then the whole things slumps. It could be. Crisps - fruit on the bottom, crumbs on the top. The crumb topping is as diverse as the person making it and can include flour, nuts, bread crumbs, cookie or graham cracker crumbs or even Apple Jacks cereal. Cobbler - as American as apple pie. Deep-dish fruit filled dessert topped with, more often than not, a biscuit crust.
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Armed with all of this knowledge, I peeled and cored and sliced my apples, sprinkled them with cinnamon and brown sugar and put the entire mix in a pan. I covered the fruit with a mix of what I had on had: granola, nuts, oatmeal and a little more sugar and lots of butter. Put it in the oven and baked it until the fruit was bubbly. I can’t honestly tell you if it was a slump or a grunt or a buckle or a cobbler or even a pandowdy. Although probably closest to a pandowdy ... it wasn’t very pretty. But ... It smelled great. It looked great. It tasted great. The apples may be gone for the season, but given my new found vocabulary, I’m looking forward to next season’s crop ... a buckle is in my future.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Joan Rivers
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October 2014
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman 1. “When I was a kid, we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.” A. Jonathan Swift B. Rodney Dangerfield 2. “By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” A. George Burns B. Miley Cyrus 3. “I’ve decided to skip ‘holistic.’ I don’t know what it means, and I don’t want to know. That may seem extreme, but I followed the same strategy toward ‘Gestalt’ and the Twist, and lived to tell the tale.” A. Calvin Trillin B. Ulysses S. Grant 4. “October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.” A. Pope Francis B. Mark Twain 5. “Oh, some guys like the army,/ I think that it’s a mess./ If it’s so damned terrific,/ How come I wear a dress?” A. Corporal Klinger B. Captain Ahab 6. “My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.’” A. Edgar Allan Poe B. Steven Wright 7. “I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” A. Ernest Hemingway Mahatma Gandhi 8. “Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me and I’ll never look at any other horse.” A. Groucho Marx B. Winston Churchill Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-A Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Quixotic 5-6 Querulous 3-4- Qualmish 1-2Queasy 0- Quiescent Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
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Faux Pearls of Wisdom, By Mary Tompsett
and Other CHEAPJewelry
Back by popular demand and other lies I tell myself, here’s another installment of my ever enlightening advice column, “Go Away, I’m Busy.” Dear GAIB: The other night I was watching the neighborhood raccoons raid some garbage cans with night vision goggles. Where the hell did raccoons find goggles to fit their little snouts?? No, I wrote that poorly, I was wearing the goggles. Anyway, I observed my elderly neighbor creeping around in the dark. She’s an odd duck, so I’m not surprised she was wearing what looked like a bedspread and funny headgear, and she carried a torch and a big wand. Twice she crept alongside her house with her arm raised up—jeez, was she casting a spell?? Finally she yelled some gibberish and ran back into her house. I called the cops but they won’t do anything. Could she really be a witch?? (Worried in Wisconsin) Dear Worried: Oh, for godsakes, so you’re the idiot who called the cops on me?!? If you’re gonna spy on neighborhood babes, at least wear your contacts
under the damn goggles. If you must know, I was on a night mission to take out a hornet nest the size of a basketball. Obviously, one must wait until dark when the beasties are sleeping or having group sex in the hive.
If you must know, I was on a night mission to take out a hornet nest the size of a basketball. I was wearing my old chenille bathrobe, and “headgear” of safety goggles and a shower cap. Torch and wand, my ass! I carried a cheap, flickering flashlight and a big can of wasp spray. Seriously, dude, see an eye doctor. And the loud gibberish you heard? That was me, cursing when I tripped while running to safety. I bellowed no satanic chants, just a few Latin phrases I remember from Catholic grade school and my years as a medical transcriptionist. Dear GAIB: Who are these people with the 80s “Baby on Board” car signs? And why do so many stick silly family decals on
SUV windows? (signed, Perplexed in Peoria) Dear Perp: There are no stupid questions, except rhetorical ones. But I, too, get irritated by folks who must advertise to the world they have kids. So you’ve been breeding? We’re all really impressed. Just once I’d like to see a complete stick figure family (grownups, kids, and several pets) with the honest caption, “In real life we’re fat and we fight.” And a few bumper stickers I’d like to see: • I brake for Baby on Board signs! • I’m not texting, I’m stoned • No tats! Defend our right to bare arms. • If you’re a fetus, I’m pro-life. If you’re not, the death penalty rocks. • Proud , neutered, nonparent of school age brats. You’re welcome. Say, did the earlier writer, “Worried in Wisconsin,” really call me an elderly odd duck?? I do include “odd duck” on my résumé under Personal, but…(sniff)… “elderly” really hurts. Copyright © 2014
Importance of being
FOOLISH
Marvelous Madame Miranda mother-fu#%ing butterfly makes a shortstop into the Garden of Foolish. Astonished not, that even in her native Yorkshire Fog Grass a microcosmical “event” is occurring. Sir Crickeet and Mr. Mantiis are debating who’s on first!? Mr. Crickeet is winging it by instant-chirp messaging to find answers while Mr. Mantiis is perpetually pissed off about that. MMMMFB still circling for a deadstick landing, professes her frass will soon be an event! Make some room boys!
Q: How do crows stick together in a flock? A: Velcrow. Q: What do you call a crate of ducks? A: A box of quackers. Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub? A: A robber ducky. Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens? A: Because they kept saying “bach bach!” Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon Q: What do you call a sad bird? A: A bluebird! Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher? A: So he could grade his eggs. Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? A: Owlgebra Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg? A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one. Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they don’t know the words. Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? A: He got caught peeping on a test.
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October 2014
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SWEET 46
By Debbie Harris
and Ready to Date
When I first got divorced after a 27 year marriage, friends were encouraging me to date. Their encouragement didn’t appear to be unusual, since I seemed to be living on planet Noah’s Ark. Everyone was paired up—except me. I hadn’t dated much before I’d gotten married, and I didn’t know much about dating then, so when I returned to it, I was starting from before scratch. First I started by reading the ads placed by men in the free weekly newspaper and I responded once or twice with a voice message. That went nowhere. I thought about placing an ad of my own, but what would I say? The relationship I was used to having with a man didn’t seem like anything I’d want to advertise. “Wanted: Man to sit on the living room recliner in front of the TV with the remote in his hands, clicking through the channels 18 times an hour while I read, work on the computer, or do housework somewhere else in the house, and he visits me during the commercials. Must like cats.” I didn’t post the ad. Then a friend set me up with a man she knew and thus began the process of middle-aged dating. Whether you meet at work, friends set you up, or you use an online dating service, conversations seem different with later-in-life dating than in youth. In your 20s you may have questions like, “Do you live with your parents?” or “What do you want to do when you graduate from college?” In middle age it’s, “Are your parents living?” and “What do you want to do when
you retire?” The awkward kissing while trying not to lock braces in teens turns into trying not to clink eyeglasses in middle age. In your 40s plus, you discuss which cholesterol lowering drugs you’re on, who a good doctor is for your colonoscopy and which foods don’t agree with you. Bringing a list of surgeries to a first date is not inappropriate. Topics of conversation can range from giving each other advice about nail bed fungus, to sharing stories about aging parents and/or new grandchildren. 401K plans are a good topic, too.
Bringing a list of surgeries to a first date is not inappropriate. In mid-life it can take longer to get to know one another because you have more history. It can take an entire dinner just to get through both of your job histories. But taking a long time to get to know one another may not be optimum in later years, as midlife daters are not working against the biological clock of fertility, but rather the biological clock of the grim reaper! During my most recent stint of online dating, I did not exchange many emails with any potential partner before we spoke on the phone or met. We didn’t have time to be coy. Let’s cut to the chase and see if there is chemistry or any deal-breakers. Deal-breakers can always show up later, but if you see them right away, say bye-
bye and move on. Middle-aged daters simply don’t have time to love someone into the person they were truly meant to be - as we may have thought in our youth (which doesn’t work anyway). We need a completely assembled package that functions well. So hang in there, older daters! Keep your emotional baggage packed, light and mobile and be ready to try again. There’s another ark just around the corner!
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she’s a tramp. - Joan Rivers
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October 2014
FOOL CURB on the
1. If you could create a super hero, what would it be and what would it look like? 2. And, what would be your super power?
Shawna, with help from her friends
John and Austin 1. Seamstress woman: I would wear a cape with a pink tutu and high socks. 2. My super power would be to throw dresses at bad guys that are too tight so they can’t move
Tening
1. The Saver: It would look like what people wear in the desert so you can just see my eyes and can’t determine gender 2. I would fly everywhere to save people from poverty. I would give them healthy food, money and good advise
Erika
1. Chia Pet Girl: It would be my body weight with blond hair and blue eyes 2. My super power would be like Wolverine’s healing ability although I would use it on others.
Joe
1. Intent Man: I would dress as an average guy you would see on the street (not a homeless person). No cape, no costume. Having a big “I” doesn’t help anything. 2. My super power is to understand the intent of an action to provide an actual and real level of justice.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. - Joan Rivers
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SELF-DEFENSE Damsel in Defense Don’t be a statistic! Host a party to learn about safe & sassy personal protection products that you carry in your purse 408.529.5353 mydamselpro.net/ centralcoast-bayarea
WEIGHT LOSS BODY BY VI "PROJECT 10 CHALLENGE"... lose 10 lbs of fat or gain 10 lbs of muscle and help fight childhood OBESITY. ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE? 831.383.8226 Vi10christie.myvi.net
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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October 2014 Q. How do you drown a blond? A Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A Her IQ goes up!
Q. Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A A visitor.
Q. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A The vegetable garden. Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A Knock on the door. Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month? A The instructions stated, “good for up to 20 pounds.” Q. What stops then goes then stops then goes? A A blonde at a blinking red light. Q. What’s five miles long and has an IQ of 40? A A blonde parade. Q. What is the blonde’s highest ambition in life? A They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! Q. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A She missed. Q. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond’s ear? A Data transfer. Q. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A From crawling across the street when the sign said “don’t walk.” Q. How did the blonde die drinking milk? A The cow fell on her.
Q. What are the six worst years in a blonde’s life. A Third grade.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose? A Bobbing for french fries.
Q. What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? A You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A You can park in the handicap zone.
Q. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A The noise gave her a headache. Q. How does a blond know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work? A She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it. Q. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A Perri-air.
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Q. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q. Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? A They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q. What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water? A A blonde trying to put it out. Q. Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A To get chocolate milk. Q. What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A A dumb terminal. Q. How did the blonde burn her ear? A The phone rang while she was ironing. Q. There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in? A The sign said “must be 18 to enter.”
Q. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A An interpreter. Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head? A A Space Invader. Q. Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes? A It has “open other end” printed on the bottom. Q. Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears? A They’re refuelling. Q. Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet? A She was last year’s hide and seek winner. Q. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A From eating with forks. Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs? A Because they can spell it. Q. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A “What’s a lightbulb?” Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A Trying to hold on to a thought. Q. Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool? A No smoking. Q. What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside? A She grabs a bowl.
I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business. - Joan Rivers
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October 2014
Every Friday & Saturday in October
Planet Gemini
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemeni.com
October 4-5
Monterey Historic Festival
Artists painting outdoors around historic adobes, gardens and other sites in historic downtown. Civil War encampments at the Lower Presidio Historic Park. Lots to see for the curious historian. Cannon and musket firing demonstrations. oldmontereyfoundation.org www.suvcw.org
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October 11
October 26
M.B. Tequila & Cuisine
Mother-In Law Day
Invite tequila into your life and see how everything feels better. Grand event with food, art, music, education and the guest of honor..tequila Benefits Rancho Cielo www.montereytequila.com
This one had me in therapy for years. I didn’t have in-laws, I had out laws.
October 29
National Internet Day
October 11
Salinas Valley Food & Wine
The “other” agriculture in the Salinas valley is world class wine. Come enjoy a day of tasting And stroll beautiful Oldtown. Food, art, entertainment and expanded events. Salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com
October 11-12
Everything Italian
Queen Isabella and her court welcome you to celebrate Columbus Day weekend on the wharf. Italian cars, bocce ball, traditional music and food montereywharf.com
October 18
National Newspaper Carrier Day
10 year old Barney Flaherty was the first paperboy, hired in 1833 by the New York Sun. The only requirement was that he could throw a paper into the bushes. Since then millions of kids and grown ups with bad aim have carried on this tradition.
October 31
Halloween
A fun time to celebrate and dress up as your alter ego. Whatever you do and where ever you go, go safely for yourself and others
October 14
Bald and Free Day
October 5
Teachers’ Day
Honoring teachers and recognizing the lasting contributions they make to our lives. Thank you for being able to read Foolish Times.
Tip your hat to the bald and beautiful today. It’s liberating to know bald guys are much happier knowing they never have a bad hair day.
October 16
Boss’ Day
Bosses have a tough time and make hard decisions and chances are they are putting up with you. Let them know that you don’t mean to be such high maintenance and you know that being a boss is not always easy.
A momentous day in the history of telecommunications and technology. This was the event of the sending of the first electronic message from one computer to another in 1969. It crashed half way through and is still giving us fits today!
October 18-19
Valley of the Heart
A love story, rooted in historical events set in the fertile Santa Clara Valley in 1941, and is present day Silicon Valley. Written and directed by Luis Valdez worldtheater.csumb.edu
October 31
Increase your Psychic Power Day
Go ahead and guess, errr read my mind....if you can. When this fails, head to the ROTA fair and see how it’s really done. www.rotapsychicfair.com
October 2014
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
SPCA Benefit Shop
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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NCI Affiliates, Inc.
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110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899
RESALE
www.nciaffiliates.org
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TRAIL
Ash Resale – Finders Keepers
8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
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105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
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Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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Featured Shop We’ve moved! Grand reopening celebration October 3-4 at our new Prunedale location. Come see all the fun things you’ve been craving to own…again. Plenty of parking, easy to find. We’ll make it worth your trip to Prunedale.