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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde Cover Art by Kenton H. www.kentonhoppas.com
Contributors Bini, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Derrick Wood, Chris Myers, Chuck Shepherd, CJ Paghasian, Cody Moore, Kenton Hoppas, Leda Annest, Lily Brun, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Quarlen Qurossman, Rex Keyes, Rosé, Rosie Sorenson, Stephen L. Millich, Ted Gargiulo, Tom Burns
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The Chucklehead Speaks Last September the Head Fool Mike M. retired from the paper. He took his foolishness to selling hotdogs and finally settled on driving a taxi. Good people eat hotdogs and smart people use taxis…if you know what I mean. It’s been a fun year and I want to thank all of you who are reading this and for supporting the advertisers. Without the advertisers, Foolish Times would not exist. Without the joy this paper brings to our readers, our county would be less funny and I would have to get a real job. If I had to get a job and work 40 hours a week, I would have too much idle time and find ways to get in trouble. What is a real job anyway? All of us fools are going to continue to show our appreciation to you by publishing a paper you look forward to reading and are proud to line your bird cage with. Aim for the Blonde Jokes or Funny Bones and tell your bird friends to stay away from my car! So the next time you jump in a cab, it just may be the Head Fool driving you safely to your destination. Thank him for a great 10 years of Foolish Times and for passing the paper forward as we celebrate our first year with many more years to come.
Editor’s Note It’s that time of year when change is in the air. One season is passing to another. As a humor magazine, our goal is to keep things on the lighter side, but the passing of Robin Williams, one of the funniest, most generous and talented comedians in the pantheon of comedians, must be acknowledged. We scattered quotes by him throughout the paper, honoring his memory and the laughter he brought to all of our lives. He played so many characters, it was hard to determine where Robin Williams stopped and the character began, but that was his gift. No matter, he left us with words made all the more powerful by his delivery. A favorite, “If you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day, make a wish, and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did.” His brilliance will be missed.
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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September 2014
www.foolishtimes.net know what her husband said. “Your husband is in fine physical shape, but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.” “He what?” She cried. “He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.” “AHA!” She exclaimed. “So he’s the one who’s been peeing in the fridge!”
The Intellectuals
Low Profile
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?” The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
At the Bar
An elderly looking gentleman in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-lookedafter image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
Retirement, a Wife’s View
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement: “Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”
Heavenly Help?
An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup and the doctor said “Friend, for your age, you’re in the best shape I’ve ever seen.” The old fella replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. Why, I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.” The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?” The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.” The Doc was concerned, “You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord, himself, turns the light on for you?” “Yep.” the old man said. “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.” Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her checkup, he felt he had to let her
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set. The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes and I think it’s these damned wicker chairs.”
“A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.” - Robin Williams
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award–winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf, Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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Laugh and Lose Weight “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” - Phyllis Diller, Comedian The benefits of laughter are endless. Every time you laugh out loud - a good solid belly laugh you burn up 35 calories. Imagine! Three laughs you burn off a salad. Five laughs, a plate of chicken. Eight laughs, your dessert. Think of that the next time you’re stymied over which video to rent. A good funny film could help burn off that bucket o’ popcorn. Beats every other diet. I’ve never found a conventional diet yet that works. You see, the older you get the tougher it is to take off pounds. That’s because your body and your fat have become good friends. You go on one of those nutty weight loss regimens choking down grapefruit by the dozen; yogurt; canned shakes and powders; frozen dinners, the size of a dime. Three months later you’re right back where you started. If nothing else, diets are fertile ground for humor. I had lunch
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with my New York editor. This guy has a great sense of humor and he loves to put me on. We went to a fancy chop house, he ordered a shrimp cocktail, a prime filet mignon, and a side of broiled lamb chops. Not one vegetable. I looked at him like he was nuts. “I’m on a high protein diet,” he explained. “Nothing but the finest prime steaks, chops and seafood.” “Have you lost anything?” I asked. “You bet. In one week I’m already down $640.” My whole life has been a battle with diet. I’ve tried several traditional weight-loss programs, such as Overeaters Anonymous and Weight Watchers along with diet pills, to speed up my metabolism. I also tried many of the off-the-wall diets, such as the rice diet, the cabbage soup diet, the grapefruit diet. There are hundreds of wacky food plans. Have you heard about the Prozac Diet? You don’t lose any weight but you don’t care. And the Garlic Diet. My father-in-law is Greek. Every year after the Christmas
“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.” - Robin Williams
holidays he goes on a garlic diet. The weight loss is minimal but all his friends admit he looks smaller from a distance. Forget them all! Start burning calories by laughing. If anyone asks, say you’re on the new Laughter Diet. The only weight loss plan where you can drop pounds and have fun at the same time. It’s easy, it’s inexpensive. No pills. No shots. No hundred dollar jogging shoes. No need for special equipment. You don’t need Soloflex machines, treadmills, Stairmasters or other clever instruments of torture - that are gathering dust under the bed. (Some of those machines must’ve been invented during the Spanish Inquisition).
The only thing you exercise is your funny bone. The quickest, easiest, least expensive, most delightful way to lose weight ever created: Larry’s Vitamin “L” Diet. All you need to do is enjoy a good belly laugh 15 times a day the minimum daily requirement - and you burn 525 calories. That’s two scoops of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. Think of it! In just a few weeks you could literally laugh your ass off! Of all the healthful benefits offered by rattling the rafters, dieting by laughing could become a nationwide trend.
Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
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September 2014
Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram 5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your rap has tapped you right into the clink! You started out with a bang this year and recently slipped into a selforiented paradiddle. “Sharing” was introduced in your childhood years, remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day. Taurus - April 20 - May 20 The Bull You have befriended all of your possessions, but one...your plumpy heart. Should we call the paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the first to respond to your own vital center and the defense will rest in your favor. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 The Twins GEMS steal the limelight. Imposing your lofty point of view can be enticing for some like murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back where you have to look low and away, but always watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with what you are better acquainted with for now may prove to be a big hitter on it’s own. Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted countryside. The flowers wilting and spilling into a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the ghost, this property is condemned. Your snappers have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4. Let it roll down like silk stockings. Then open to the view of YES.
Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a 1000 votives? Declare self-defense where foul play is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned. They have been sited stepping past the mote and flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front, they’ll know who rules.
Sagittarius - November 22 December 21 the Archer Nowadays a sob story will get FaceBook time sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your ass off the amateur bench and find a real life adventure, explore distant planets, discover new ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the FaceBook leaches try to reach your purified psyche, steer clear of any incriminating online entries by declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out!
Virgo - August 23 - September 22 The Virgin Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer. He did not dissect the facts before creating his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty.” Yet, you want this in-motion picture life to be black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny!
Capricorn - December 22 January 19 The Goat Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your juice for A LOT of a little bit of good again. In a beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken?
Libra - September 23 - October 22 The Scales Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it is all about parsnips and onions with you. Your cry is “I can’t do it alone!” Yet watch the Lilies brush the sky and notice their six degrees of separation from their neighbors. Take the stand but don’t be a weed. Scorpio - October 23 - November 21 the Scorpion You are entitled, for many a good reason SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor: A splendiferous regeneration, a makeover of the soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand and you’ll rake in the chips.
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By Bini Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier Hopes, dreams, and wishes. Goody, gooey, drippy & blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be sensational. With a partner in crime you can paint the town! Start with the old barn, I hear it needs a new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by this generosity. Pisces - February 19 - March 20 The Fishes Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that nowadays for you coming alive happens only after dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off! Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz, because the piano keys are hot and your watery cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck. Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.
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You are so NOT in Control
By Rosie Sorenson No matter how much you think you’re in control of your life, you are so not. I’m not even talking about what your mitochondria or your double helix or your T-cells are up to while you sleep. You can manage them only so much by serving them broccoli, urging them to exercise, forcing them to rest. Other than that, you have no control. I hate that. So it is with our resident furballs--cats who thrive at the pinnacle of Darwin’s evolutionary tree. One could even point to our cats as proof of intelligent design, because they are clearly superior to the two puny humans who have been sucked into their celestial orbits.
— Cats who thrive at the pinnacle of Darwin’s evolutionary tree. A few months ago, without thinking about it, I started serving Sweetie Pie, our gray tiger rescue kitty, breakfast in bed. That’s the sneaky power of cats–you find yourself doing things you hadn’t intended and then one day, you step back and wonder, “WTF?” As if you had no choice, when clearly, you did. Or did you? Over the nine thousand years that cats have been closely associated with humans, I believe they engineered our evolution so we would become their slaves. Oh sure, they reward their slaves with purring and licking and rubbing up against our legs, but there’s no doubt we humans have been played. And even though we know that, it still gives us great pleasure to indulge them. That’s the most
embarrassing part–we actually enjoy our servitude. We brought in Sweetie Pie to live with us two years ago. Up until then, she had lived all of her 15 years in Buster Hollow, the homeless cat colony I’ve tended for 20 years. She had been injured by another cat and since we were not able to trap him, we were afraid to release her even after her injuries had healed. At first, she hid under the couch. Gradually she emerged for brief excursions into the living room where she discovered the scratching post. Then, she found the dining room; then the kitchen (because that’s where the food is!); then the bedroom. It took her about a year before she jumped up on the bed for the first time and discovered the heaven that resides in the down comforter. OMG! During these past two years, we’ve watched Sweetie Pie march slowly, but relentlessly toward entitlement. Yes, entitlement! As this former ragamuffin became accustomed to three hots and a cot, and safety and love, her inner Princess flourished. I started feeding her in bed because the other two indoor cats, Sugar and Billy, would often hiss at her when she ate at her bowl in the dining room, prompting her to scurry back under the sofa. As if that’s not ridiculous enough, Sweetie Pie let it be known a few months ago that she no longer liked the Friskies, but preferred Fancy Feast. Would you mind awfully exchanging the Mariner’s Catch for the Fancy Feast Turkey? No problem. She also became addicted to Whiskas Temptations, aka, Kitty Kocaine. Up until a few weeks ago, I considered those tasty morsels to be dessert. But, no more.
Initially, I resisted giving them to her with her meal, but when she refused to eat unless she got some, I started mixing them in with her wet food. I’d like to think that if she demands to eat only Kocaine instead of her wet food, I will hold fast. But you never know. My sweetheart Steve is no better with boundaries than I am. One day last week, I passed by his office and was surprised to see him sitting on the edge of his ergonomically-correct chair. What I couldn’t see until I drew closer was the reason: A C-A-T curled up behind him–Billy, our strawberry blond rescue kitty. I gave Steve a look. “Well, see,” he said and glanced over his shoulder at Billy, “for the longest time, as soon as I would leave the chair, Billy would take it as his own, and then when I would move him so I could sit down, he’d be all pissed off. I know he likes to sit with his daddy, but even if I sat down only on the front half of the chair, he’d get all upset and leave, or worse, bite me.” “And, exactly how did we get onboard this crazy train?” I asked. “Yes, well,” he said, clearing his throat and fiddling with his pen. “But last night we came to an accommodation. We found a way we could pair and share with the chair.” He grinned.
“An accommodation?” I said, stepping closer. “Looks to me like he’s engineered it in such a way that all you get is the front third while fooling you into thinking he’s done some accommodating.” “Well, yes, but he’s happy about it–just like a pig in poop.” “And you can work at your desk like that?” “Yes. I can sit on the front onethird.” “But you can’t lean against the back?” “Well, no. There’s a cat back there.” “Of course there is.” Are you listening, Mr. Darwin? Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury, and others. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition for 2007 and is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck website. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. In 2006 she won its Listener Favorite Award. Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.
“Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s an understood relationship. You walk on stage - it’s your job.” - Robin Williams
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net
Smile When You Say That
My dental surgery is on Monday. Thanks to George Thorpe.
I was in the Texas Rose Bar last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a really-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen?” She said, “I sure do.” I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
Smart enough to be a real salesman A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The Local Smithy An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet ... and, just when they get close
enough to hear, the dachshund says.................. “Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
The Perfect Pot Roast Ingredients: 1 Small Roast Beef 1 Large Roast Beef Put both roasts in the oven. When the little one is burned, the big one is done.
Kitchen Jokes No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. Keep your kitchen clean. Eat out. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This one is delirious. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. My next house will not have a kitchen - just vending machines. Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. Skinny cooks can’t be trusted. A balanced diet is a Twinkie in each hand.
“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.” - Robin Williams
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By Tom Burns
Under the Gun “Come on. We’re under the gun. Got an email from the folks at FoolishTimes. They want anoth-er column from us. What should we write about? Huh? Huh?” Rex sat on the couch next to me. He had turned to look out the window, to see perhaps, if by the grace of God there was something going on outside more exciting than my ramblings. “Rex. Think. What can we write about? We were supposed to have the column to them last week. They have deadlines you know. Rex. REX?” Rex sought refuge and distraction by licking his nether parts. “For the love of Mike! Stop that! You don’t see me doing stuff like that, do you? Knock it off, for cripes sakes!” Rex stopped licking and sighed a long theatrical huff. He was starting to get under my skin. “Look. The column is about you, not me, so we need to write a riveting, captivating, crowd pleasing column. About you! Now. Let’s think. How about the time I took you to Tassajara and they thought you were enlightened? Naw, we wrote about that already.” Rex had turned over on his back and studied the spider on the ceiling. “Hey, remember the time I took you to the nude beach in Big Sur and we watched the girl jump rope with kelp? And you saw the teacup poodle sashaying her bootie, trying to get your attention? Naw, we already wrote about that.” Rex had nodded off. His
snoring indicated he had checked out of the conversation. “Come on, you slacker!” I shook him awake. He shook his head to get his bearings and revitalize himself to re-engage in the dilemma. “Hey!” I snapped my fingers, “we could write about the time I was stuck on the high school roof with the nude Norwegian women’s olympic volley ball team!” Rex did a double take.
I took you to Tassajara and they thought you were enlightened? “Oh, yeah, Steve at FoolishTimes asked for only nonfiction stories. Well, how about the time we went to the Braille library, checked out a bunch of books and ironed out the pages?” Rex be-gan to bob and weave. I could sense his flagging interest and ability to remain on the “The Ad-ventures with Rex” writing team. But
that’s just another reflection of a relationship, isn’t it? Yes, in the beginning of all relationships, things look good, don’t they. Your woman is shapely, your new guy has a hot car, the new job is too good to believe, and then slowly but surely, things change. “Rex. Rex? REX!!!” he had fallen asleep again. “I think we need to talk. Do you think our rela-tionship has changed? Do you feel the same about me today as when we first met at the dog pound? Do you still think of me the same? Do you get just as excited when you hear me pull into the driveway?” I reached over to pet my little friend. He had started licking his naughty parts again. As I drew a long deep breath, I admitted the bloom was off the rose in our relationship. I got down on the living room floor and stared up at the spider on the ceiling. He was making pretty good time, heading for the kitchen ceiling. “Rex. Rex. I’ve got an idea. How
about if we write about having trouble coming up with an idea, a theme, a story to write about? How about a real, honest column about about writer’s block? Deadlines and blank papers? Do think that would work, Rex? Rex? Rexie?” I decided to just let him sleep.
“Comedy is acting out optimism.” - Robin Williams
Importance of being
FOOLISH
For chinwagger, Ann Whentaun, (woman with arms raised) daughter of the Duke of Mountgamey Ward, was astonishly zipped lip. Apparently, parked her girdle and was dancing furious and footloose! Local PD mistook her for having technological DTs. They wrapped her in cellophane and under such restraint, she broke apart. Duke rushed to hospital, doctors there tried to decipher her mumblings about a Sheba Shimmy Shake and a Chic-ago.
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September 2014
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman 1. “The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it.” A. George Washington B. Albert Einstein 2. “I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” A. Barack Obama B. Shelley Winters 3. A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.” A. Ambrose Bierce B. Confucius 4. “The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.” A. Benjamin Franklin B. David Brinkley There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
5. “Nixon’s the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he’d throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.” A. Mort Sahl B. Theodore Roosevelt 6. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” A. Ogden Nash B. Ludwig van Beethoven 7. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” A. Ferdinand Magellan B. Charles Schulz 8. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” A. Billy Graham B. Groucho Marx Answers (all true): 1-B 2-B 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-A 7-B 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Hungry 5-6 Melodramatic 3-4 Suspicious 1-2 Athletic 0 Perspiring
Answers on page 24
Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com
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September 2014
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I see Dead
MOVIES
By Ted Gargiulo
It’s September already. Wish the summer fun didn’t have to end so soon? Well, it doesn’t. If you love movies (and who doesn’t?), there’s still time to catch a few stragglers that slipped under moviegoers’ radar while the summer blockbusters were hogging the spotlight. Now that the seasonal hoopla has started to cool, these runts of Hollywood’s litter are finally receiving the attention, if not the critical acclaim, they missed earlier. Take a peek: Looking for a large-scale pantswetter that’s teaming with special effects and enough carnage to make you cringe? Leave it to the Japanese to come up with yet another hellacious predator (or predators) to ravage Tokyo. In this, their most terrifying epic to date, a radioactive meteor crashes into the ocean and contaminates the nation’s supply of seafood, giving rise to…The Attack of the Gian Crab Cakes! Don’t see it alone! No summer film fest would be complete without one nightmarish, gross-a-thon to disturb your sleep. The latest offering by Albrecht Fishnog (Spaghetti Man) more than fills the bill. Behold: A wad of tobacco, a mud jug, an ancient curse and a freakish experiment that goes awry (as freakish experiments invariably do), turn an unassuming chemistry professor into…The Teacher from the Black Spittoon! Panned by the Compost Consortium in Rancid, Missouri, Spittoon was rated
“The wickedest, scariest, most exquisitely deranged hill of swill ever produced. If this ick-flick doesn’t send you to the therapist,” the Consortium concluded, “there’s something seriously the matter with you.” Next, Hollywood’s two favorite female super-rivals square off onscreen for the first time in Hell Hath No Fury, Caspar Shkadinsky’s futuristic action/ revenge travesty. Witness “the mother of all mayhem” as the 50foot Woman challenges the Bionic Nymph to an apocalyptic brawl
This contrived mush hails from the Canned Film Festival, where it overstayed its welcome last year. you won’t want to miss! Stars Nancy deCongo and Tweedy van Twinkle. Rated M for “Moronic.” Attention Trek fans, here’s a “lost episode” I bet you haven’t seen: When a 24th Century hacker uploads an ancient copy of Windows into Starfleet’s main computer system, the network crashes and plunges the Enterprise, and the galaxy, into chaos…in Illegal Action, Gates of Doom. Clever, huh! Crayons and Milk, another coming-of-age tear-jerker, tells of another failed marriage, seen through the eyes of another
“I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.” - Robin Williams dejected child. This contrived mush hails from the Canned Film Festival, where it overstayed its welcome last year. Bring plenty of tissues…and a wastebasket to slip over your head so friends won’t recognize you leaving the theater. Heading the list of flakey comedies is Koo-Koo Loves Lulu. The cast of untalented wannabes features an obnoxious brat who has all the best lines, steals every scene, and will likely receive an Oscar nomination, even though he’s never acted before. Equally forgettable are No Ladies in Hades, Bigfoot and Littlepaw Do
Vegas, Fools Rule and Return of the Blahs. Lastly, get ready for the extreme rock concert spectacular that’ll blow you away, literally! Recorded live in atomically enhanced Turbophonic Rebound Sound, it’s Betty Bang and the Boom-Boom Machine! The experience has been likened to a quake, a trash compactor, and a dentist’s drill on steroids, making this musical cataclysm the ultimate late season film finale. Just one viewing, and I promise you’ll never see, or hear, another bad movie again!
September 2014
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September 2014
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Livin’ la vida nostra I saw this commercial on TV that said: “Technology doesn’t wait, why should you?” Well, I am not a lifeless computer receiving a signal from outer space, that’s why! Technology should not rule our life, nor should we expect to live a “perfect life.” Technology is breaking us apart. Adults throwing tantrums over the lack of Wi-Fi, we drink from zippy cups but filled with coffee this time. We no longer see life though our own eyes, we have our smart phones for that. Let me capture this beautiful sunset forever with this little lifeless computer that cannot truly appreciate or understand the beauty of it like my eyes can. I shall post it on my social media site and add some hashtags with that. You are not going to like that?! How else am I supposed to find approval and validate my life?! Look! A video with some kitty-kats! Back in my day (anything before 2005), we used hashtags to play tic-tac-toe; I used to also play with dirt, rocks and some imagination. Hold on, let me explain: Imagination is what kids used to play with before tablets took over their brains, baby zombies we create. Is this the Matrix? How come I don’t know Kung-fu yet? Nothing eviscerates the meaning of an honest sentence like a hashtag. Instead of emphasizing the importance it completely strips its meaning. Whoever is in charge of that needs to be beaten with a dictionary, which would probably not hurt them much since all our
dictionaries are in our computers. Making payments on your encyclopedia, anyone? #oldskool Somebody throw a smart phone at that dumb guy. The struggle is real, figuratively and literally, words do not carry the same weight anymore; promises, like dishes, will be broken. #greekwedding Technology is corrupting our minds, feeding us updates and controlling our daily lives. I do not trust my cellphone.
Somebody throw a smart phone at that dumb guy. When I go to sleep he is like Kathy Perry and is wide-awake, installing software, and planning my day. Did we learn nothing from Terminator, yet? Sorry Bob Sager, we cannot take those old records from the shelf. We have Mp3s now. I’m raising my daughter like it is 1999. No tablets, no cellphones, a blast from the past; crayons and paper we use to draw. I am aware of the irony, I wrote this article on a laptop. However, you are reading the newspaper. And that, is how you blow someone’s mind.
“You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it” - Robin Williams
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September 2014
www.foolishtimes.net Chuck Shepherd’s
By Chuck Shepherd Week of February 2, 2014
Going Postal America’s returning warriors continue to experience inexplicable difficulty after putting their lives at risk for their country. It took 13 years for Army Sgt. Maj. Richard Erickson to get his job back from his civilian employer after he took leave in 2000 to serve in the National Guard special forces. The employer soon fired him for taking “excessive military leave.” The employer? The U.S. Postal Service, for which Erickson worked as a window clerk (and which was forced to reinstate him after a January 2014 ruling awarding him $2 million in back pay). Erickson had won several interim victories, but USPS fought each one, extending the case, and said in January that it might even appeal the latest ruling.
Recurring Themes • Happy New Year: (1) Once again, celebrants in France marked Jan. 1 by setting fire to 1,067 cars nationwide (down from 1,193 the previous Jan. 1). (2) In the Hillbrow neighborhood of Johannesburg, South Africa, celebrants apparently decided to abandon a 20-year-old tradition and not hurl furniture from highrise apartments. (The Hillbrow custom was highlighted on one
social-networking website, along with the New Year’s graveyard gathering of relatives in Chile and Ireland’s banging bread on walls to dispel evil spirits.) • Holy Mutations: Deformed animals born in developing countries often attract streams of pilgrims, seeking to touch a creature considered divinely blessed. In December, a fivelegged cow in Raipur, India, had supposedly “caused” the last 30 women who touched it to give birth to boys. And a day after that report came one from Phuket, Thailand, in which a newborn gecko with six legs and two heads has become a magnet for visitors seeking clues to winning lottery numbers. • In November the Journal-News of Hamilton, Ohio, examining various police union contracts in the state, learned that in several jurisdictions, officers are allowed to work their shifts even when less sober than some drivers whom they ticket for DUI. In Lebanon, Ohio, for instance, cops can work with a .04 blood-alcohol reading. In Butler County, a .04 reading triggers legal protections for officers that are unavailable to ordinary drivers. (However, in Lebanon, an officer’s right to suck on a breath mint before taking the test was recently removed from the contract.) • Judges as Romantics: (1) In December, Italy’s top appeals court awarded a new trial to a
man, 60, who had been convicted of having sex with an 11-year-old girl. Evidence had been excluded that the pair were having an “amorous relationship” with “feelings of love.” (2) Alabama Judge James Woodroof of Limestone County, given two separate chances in December to sentence Austin Clem, 25, to jail time for raping a girl beginning when she was 13, both times opted for probation. (The no-jail sentences perhaps reflected that Clem’s family and hers continued to socialize after the rapes.) • The Continuing British Campaign to Abolish Risks: (1) Britain’s Royal Mail announced in December that it would stop delivery to Jeff and Sheila White’s cottage in Carnforth because the carrier was frightened of cows. (Mrs. White said he was just lazy, in that when the cows were present, the carrier had to open and close a gate to get to their cottage.) (2) A 65-year-old school crossing guard resigned in October from a job he said he liked because officials at Manadon Vale Primary School had ordered him to stop playfully “high-fiving” students. Guards, the school said, need both arms free to hold signs and make proper signals. • News of the Weird has reported the emerging mainstream treatment (for various bowel disorders) of fecal transplants,
in which a healthier relative “donates” via enema supposedly healthier microbes to a sickly patient to normalize intestinal activity. The process, still strange to many patients despite its apparent success, has become so popular that in October Canadian officials felt the need to warn patients not to perform amateur transplants. Said one mother, after successfully having her 10-year-old daughter treated, “I think one day ... we will have fecal-matter banks like (blood banks and sperm banks).” • Unclear on the Concept: In December, after Carmen Reategui, 34, was arrested for DUI in Readington Township, N.J., and was too impaired to drive home, she called Nina Petracca, 23, who arrived at the police station impaired herself (and was arrested for DUI), and both women called Ryan Hogan, 33, to take them home, but he also arrived impaired and was arrested. • Classics: (1) Jamal Garrett, 29, was arrested in Antioch, Calif., in January after, police said, he tried to rob a Wells Fargo bank, but had fled empty-handed after a teller struggled to read a poorly written holdup note. (She and her manager said they did not even know immediately if it was a holdup or just a note requesting assistance.) (2) Daniel Severn, 27, pleaded guilty to burglary in England’s Hull Crown Court in December, for trying to enter a home through the roof but getting trapped, upside down, in the bathroom. He dug his phone out of his pocket, but it fell into the toilet, and he remained hanging for an hour and a half until a resident arrived and found him. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd, Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816581-7500
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September 2014
“MERCY,
Back To School On New Tires
19
Mercy Me!”
By Rex Keyes
$69.95 value
We honor Seniors and Military
When We Think of September Answers on pg 24
Sapphire Aster Virgo Libra Labor Potato Chicken Piano Biscuit Patriot Autumn Constitution Football School Gerst Monath Barley Vulcan Fire Forge
It is amazing what we use to do in the United States and what we do now. Habits of a country can change in just a generation or two. In Europe, back in the 60’s at business meetings, Europeans put bottles of water on their tables to drink. In the U.S. pitchers of water with ice were set out with glasses to pour the water into. Now just about everyone in the U.S. buys small bottles of water just like the Europeans did then. Does anyone ever drink tap water anymore? I don’t think so. Also we now are supposed to be environmentally conscience, but drinking tap water back then did not pollute the environment as millions of empty plastic water bottles do now. Many people think that the standard of living has gotten better. And of course, how can one argue that point. For instance we now have reality TV, a far cry better that the old afternoon soap operas such “As The World Turns.” You can’t beat the new TV program “Dating Naked.” The old TV program “The Dating Game” can’t even compare. In the past, kids used to go out and play during the day and watch TV at night. Well, nowadays a lot of kids are glued to their IPADs and their smart phones. Sometimes they even bump into things while texting or scanning their smart phones and trying to walk at the same time. Do kids go out and ride bikes around town, do they play dodge ball, baseball, raise homing pigeons, fly a kite, fly model airplanes, go camping with the Boy or Girl Scouts or play any sport that requires
physical exercise? I don’t think so! Are they learning anything on their electronic equipment? Are they learning math, English, the stock market, geography, auto mechanics or the everyday methods of survival in society? A friend recently took several kids out for a bike ride. One of the bikes got a flat tire. None of the kids in the group knew how to fix a flat. Absolutely amazing! But ask them anything about a Hollywood actor, song lyrics, a rock and roll singer or a program on TV and they know the answer.
Mercy, mercy, me, Things ain’t what they use to be – Marvin Gaye And the future, what does it hold? Robotics is the answer. The advancement in science for robots has been phenomenal. The auto manufacturers have been using a form of robots for painting cars for years. Robots are basically computers able to do physical work. For the home, in less than 10 years, a robot on wheels or walking will give you recipes and even help with the housework. Want a dog, cat, child, boyfriend, girlfriend or get a robot! They now have a car that does not need a driver (Google, Earth mapping), which is basically a robot on wheels. “Warning, warning!!! Robby the Robot from ‘Lost in Space’ is back.”
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September 2014
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By Lily Brun
A Pock On Gophers What is it with gophers? I live on three acres. I have 837,492 weeds. Green, flowering weeds. What I think are delicious looking weeds. But do the 562 gophers tunneling under my three acres eat them? No. Even in drought conditions ... a resounding no! I was mowing my weed infested upper pasture the other day, rolling along on my tractor, when I started to list to starboard. The entire right side of the tractor was lower than the left; as if I were sinking. This is California, not Florida. We don’t have sinkholes. What the heck?
This is California, not Florida. We don’t have sinkholes. I had uncovered a gopher tunnel and was slowly slipping into what looked to be a burrow. Ok, it was only a drop of about six inches, but geez. On the heels of battling these cheeky rodents, who in the dead of night invade my vegetable garden and make off with my prize zucchini, I’d had enough. That realization propelled me off my tractor and onto my computer to identify the most efficient eradication methods. My live and let live point of view was seeing red, or more exactly a tawdry brown. What I unearthed was a treasure trove of ways to get rid of gophers – some a little sketchy, some brutal and some just plain silly. Here we go, in no particular order, no endorsement and no practical experience on my part. First up, the Rodenator, which
claims to win the battle over burrowing pests. You shoot a mix of propane and oxygen into a tunnel and then either manually or remotely detonate it causing concussive shockwaves throughout the tunnels. It’s pretty fierce and not inexpensive. Kind of sent concussive shockwaves to my psyche. Next on the list, The Giant Destroyer, a rodent killing gasser – not the hot rod kind, either. It’s a sulfur gas releasing smoke bomb that gets dropped down a tunnel. A somewhat lesser shockwave to my psyche, but still a jolt. Moving on – the Wilco Gopher Getter. Good, this sounds a little milder. You take grain coated with anise and stuff it down into the tunnel. Anise – that’s licorice, right? I like licorice. I feel good about giving them something I like. Shockwaves were dissipating. My search continued and landed on Cinch Traps. My imagination kicked in and I envisioned tiny belts tightening around a gopher’s girth preventing it from eating. Pieceof-cake – which it won’t get to eat. Of course, I was out in the south
“You have this idea that you’d better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.” - Robin Williams
forty on this one. Cinch does not translate as easy, breezy. A Cinch Trap is a galvanized plate with spring-loaded pinchers attached that … well, I’ll leave that to your imagination. Shockwaveo-meter registering an increase. Rounding out my search was the Underground Exterminator. All you need is a car and a garden hose. Hook them together, turn on the car, shove the hose down the hole and the gophers just go to
sleep – forever. I’m not sure I could sleep at this point. I’d have to spend some time eradicating the visions of gophers in various stages of demise for that to happen. Those pesky gophers can have the zucchini.
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September 2014
Early Christmas
By Mary Tompsett Happy holidays to my BFFs, all 463 of you! No sense waiting until December to send out this newsletter when I so cherish our friendship—despite not recognizing most of your names. Unlike the typical holiday brag sheet, I won’t bore you with details about my six-month hot air balloon voyage or winning the transSiberian yak race. But, yes, I did these things. And more. I’m so very blessed with fame, wealth, beauty, intelligence and talent. Ain’t my problem if God loves me more than you. A few highlights… While bathing the cats I thought
All tests came back normal, but the brain scan showed a significant area of stupidity. of a fun word play: Hopalong Perspicacity. Yes, it’s a 1950s TV cowboy with keen mental perception! All you youngish folk can ask the old geezer down the block or, hell, just Google it. Recently I gave blood, and then fainted during a downtown concert. Three handsome young men in blue uniforms took my dehydrated ass to the ER. Were they paramedics? Bus drivers? Zoo workers? I don’t care. That ride to the hospital was the closest thing to a date I’ve had in years, and it fulfilled my lifelong fantasy of a sexual foursome. Like I said, I’m blessed. All tests came back normal, but the brain scan showed a significant area of stupidity. Will Medicare still pay for a pre-existing condition? Luckily, I was wearing brand new underwear (Mom would’ve been so proud) but,
Greetings as it turned out, my clothes didn’t need to be cut off so nobody knew. Bummer. My 25-year-old dryer had to be put down. In appliance years that’s the equivalent of a toothless, blind, deaf, and bald centenarian but it was still a shock and the funeral was packed. Not that any of you bastards cared enough to send a card. Oh, how my spiritual growth has blossomed! One day at the Habitat ReStore, two customers each wanted to buy the same set of kitchen cabinets. After praying for guidance, I felt called to a biblical solution: Cut the cabinets in two and give half to each person! Unfortunately, the shocked
customers fled the store while I destroyed some gorgeous cabinets. Once again, I am unfairly banned from using the power tools. A radio DJ stated that the cat had peed on his kid’s library book, then asked listeners to vote on which of several remedies he took, and the winner would get a prize. I was the first caller with the correct answer: Teach the cat a lesson, take it to the library and make it work off the cost of the book. I won a radial saw. I saw a documentary about giving up dairy foods, very inspiring. So I watched it again and took detailed notes. But first I went out for pizza. The documentary also reported that often the first clinical sign of vascular disease throughout the body is the symptom of erectile dysfunction. Like the canary in the coal mine. A droopy one. Hoping your holidays aren’t droopy, but packed with tinsel and bling for a meaningfully superficial season! Copyright © 2014
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Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights! Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? A: Someday my prints will come! Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: What part of the car is the laziest? A: The wheels, because they are always tired! Q: What is blue and goes ding dong? A: An Avon lady at the North Pole! Q: We’re you long in the hospital? A: No, I was the same size I am now! Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck! Q: What’s the difference between a TV and a newspaper? A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV? Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st? A: They had just finished a March of 31 days. Q: Which hand is it better to write with? A: Neither, it’s best to write with a pen!
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PEEVES not wanted as PETS
By Debbie Harris
The Bumper Novel: I’m a reader. I like to read. When I see words, I read them. So please car owners, restrict your bumper stickers to three maximum, lest I crash into a parked car while trying to understand your politics, your child’s accomplishments and your feelings about the environment. The Email Screamer: I don’t know why, but when email was first becoming popular, many people felt they needed to use all capital letters for their messages, like that was the standard format for this type of communication. As we got more comfortable with email (and emoticons emerged), people became more relaxed with their fonts. Except some. The screamers kept using all caps as a general rule and I think the abuse should end. My eyes are sore from being yelled at. Lower case letters do not show lack of character. Please use them! The Event Squatters: These are the people who show up early to an event—a concert, a graduation, a play or even church—and sit at the end of the row. That part I don’t have a problem with. The part that peeves me is when someone comes after them and has to get past them to get to the center part of the auditorium, you know, where the empty seats are, and the squatters roll their eyes like they’re loose marbles, puff like a boiling tea kettle and sigh like they are taking their last breath. They wince and give you just barely enough room to get past them, allowing you further opportunity to step on their feet so they can expand their drama to Oscar proportions. Of course, they never say anything, even when you are apologizing for going past them, because they
know that unless you become part helicopter, you either have to get past them or get past the squatters at the other end of the row. So sit where you please, squatters, but be prepared to graciously allow others to get past you as needed. Believe me, those of us squeezing past you aren’t having a postit-on-Facebook-with-pictures experience either.
Lower case letters do not show lack of character The Abandoned/Neglected Child Website: People don’t use phone books for addresses and phone numbers very much anymore. Even though I am a book person, I have gravitated to the internet to get locations and contact information, as have many others (some younger folks have never used a phone book). So when I needed to go to an AT&T store to discuss my cell phone plan with someone, I looked up the nearest store on the internet, got the address and drove straight to a dentist’s office, which was what was now in the building at the address the website said would be AT&T. Around that same time, a friend and I wanted to meet at a restaurant on North Main Street in Salinas, but we couldn’t remember the name of it. She looked it up online and so did I and even though we both seemed to be talking about the same location, we came up with different names. It didn’t matter. When we got to the location, the place had gone out of business. It seems that the restaurant posted information on the Internet under
one name, changed the name and posted more information and then went out of business without removing any of the previously detailed information off of the Internet. I know that cyberspace doesn’t seem real. Data just seems to be out there. But, surprisingly, the information you post to get people to visit your business actually is used by people to contact you or visit your business, so don’t just drop it and abandon or neglect it. If your phone number has changed, change it on your website! Don’t make potential clients hear the robot lady saying
“We’re sorry . . .” Don’t send hungry potential patrons on a Snipe hunt for your restaurant’s food. Keep your website updated and if information you’ve posted is not accurate anymore, remove it. Don’t make us go back to phone books!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” - Robin Williams
The Riotous
RHYMESTER
by Stephen L. Millich
The Banana Slug The phrase “as cute as a bug in the rug” Does not apply to the banana slug It is not cute or a bug And cannot hide in your rug It dwells on the moist forest floor And now I’ll tell you even more Its life is so lonely and solitary It’s even ignored by the dictionary. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
www.foolishtimes.net
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms. When she interrupted him: “I’m a vet, I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions, I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?” The doctor nodded and quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “Of course, if this doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.” The score is Medical Doctor 1, Veterinarian 0
September 2014
FOOL CURB on the
1. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
2. When is the last time you jumped in the ocean? Rich Brimer, Local artist and owner of a VW micro bus: 1. When you live in Seattle, it’s always partly cloudy.
It’s always partly sunny in California. 2. In San Onofre State Park on June 21. I was totally nude.
The Most Interesting Man in the World: 1. When it stops being partly cloudy you fool! 2. I don’t always jump in the ocean but when I do,
I don’t give a crap about the weather or how cold the water is.
Urich Knieps, Visiting from Germany 1. Today! 2. In the Northern Sea last week. I was on the
Island of Sylt. The water was 21 degrees Celsius. It felt fresh.
William Hughes, owner of a Mercury Comet and three other cool cars 1. I haven’t been in school for a while. I guess it got sunny when I got out. 2. When I got married. Don’t ask when it was. (as his wife sat laughing next to him) Rebecah Silveira, The Prunedale Pie Maker 1. When the sky isn’t sad anymore. 2. It was a while ago at Carmel Beach. I went in
because the sand was too hot. The water was cold as buns!
Asked at The Concours d’LeMons in Seaside. This free event celebrates the oddball, mundane and truly awful of the automotive world. We happen to think it’s very cool!
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September 2014
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“I was once walking in an airport and a woman came up to me and said, ‘Be zany!’ That’d be like walking up to Baryshnikov and going, ‘Plié! Just do a plié! Do it! Do a relevé right now! Lift my wife!’” - Robin Williams
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
BlueScreen Computers of Monterey
Experts in infrastructure & maintaining computer productivity for home and business Complimentary consultation We build custom computers 831.372.3056
bluescreenmonterey.com
HANDYMAN Bob
CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
831.717.7917
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING
CERAMICS
Central Coast Pet Sitter
10th Street Ceramics
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering daily pet sitting & dog walking. Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
JEWELRY Bench Jeweler
We Buy Gold & Diamonds! Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186
Great time to start your Holiday projects 100’s of unique items Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
MAILBOXES The Mail Box Not just a pretty place with long and short term mailbox rentals. Live Scan Fingerprinting Notary services, passport photos Walk-ins Welcome 831.641.0931
SELF-DEFENSE Damsel in Defense Don’t be a statistic! Host a party to learn about safe & sassy personal protection products that you carry in your purse 408.529.5353 mydamselpro.net/ centralcoast-bayarea
WEIGHT LOSS BODY BY VI "PROJECT 10 CHALLENGE"... lose 10 lbs of fat or gain 10 lbs of muscle and help fight childhood OBESITY. ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE? 831.383.8226 Vi10christie.myvi.net
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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Blue-tooth A blonde went to the dentist.“I want you to paint my teeth blue.” “What!?” exclaimed the dentist. “Just do it!!” said the blonde So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her. “Mam, you were talking on your mobile phone while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.” “Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”
Ice Fishing There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win —they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde came running back. “A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!”
Chickens A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, ‘’What do you have in the bag?’’
September 2014
The blonde replies: ‘’I have chickens!’’ The man thinks for a moment and says, ‘’If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?’’ The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ‘’Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you both of them!”
Seagull Poop A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill, I’ll go get some toilet paper.” After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”
Pyramid of 100 Steps There were three girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said, “This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. But be warned, every five steps a person
will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.” So the brunette gets to the fifth step and laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the twentieth step and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the ninety-ninth step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said, “Why did you laugh, I didn’t tell the joke yet/” Then the blonde said, “I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke!”
Going Up? A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. “Go get your Mother.”
Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009
Bonded • Insured • Green
831.920.8181
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Offering Bike valet
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September 2014
Every Friday & Saturday In September
Planet Gemini
Featuring the best in local & nationally known headlining comedians www.planetgemini.com Ongoing in September
YAC at Sweet Elena’s Bakery
20 artists ranged from 9 years old, to “in our 60s” highlight the quirky thought processes behind the imaginative art of 30 drawings in 30 days. www.yacstudios.org September 6
Oldtown Salinas First Friday Art Walk
The longest ongoing free art walk in the county celebrates 10 years. www.artistasunidos.org
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September 9
September 18
September 27
Grandparent’s Day at MY Museum
Friends of the P.G. Public Library
Monterey Beer Garden
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood www.mymuseum.org September 10
TV Dinner Day
Meet Anthologist/Playwright Victoria Zackheim and Mystery Writer, Anne Perry. Explore writing and taking risks. www.pglibraryfriends.org
Party for the Paws
This year’s fundraiser is at the gorgeous Stonepine Estate and benefits the needs of 9,300 animals each year at AFRP, Salinas & MC Animal Shelter www.partyforthepaws.com
The Thunderbirds are back! Metal Mulisha, Sean Tucker, Monster Trucks. Lots of things to see on the ground and in the air. www.salinasairshow.com September 19-21
September 27-28
Monterey Jazz Fest
Carmel Valley Gem Show
For the 57th continuous year, this event has presented nearly every major artist in the world of jazz. This year is no exception. montereyjazzfestival.org September 20-21
Old Monterey Fine Art Festival
A unique fusion of art, culture, and living. Like having 100 galleries at the same place and time in a beautiful outdoor setting. www.westcoastartists.com September 22 September 7
The Dr. is Out
The premier of a puppetry performance that deals with the final hours of Gonzo Journalist Hunter S. Thompson. Beyond the popular myths, choosing to deal with more personal facts of a life filled with fear and loathing. www.paperwing.com
Business Women’s Day
September 13-14
October Fest
Andrea Lengacher hosts this authentic Bavarian beer drinking festival with foamy fun, food, dancing and frivolity. oktoberfestmontereybay.com
September 27-28
CA Airshow
Introduced in the early 1950s. This pre-packaged, frozen meal was designed for ease of consumption while parked in front of a television and for guys who can’t cook. September 13
Peter B’s and 15 other breweries offer up a great time with beer, BBQ and music. Wine drinkers need not apply! montereybeergarden.com
We recognize the value and contributions of women in the business world. Admit it guys, it’s the girls who get things done! September 23-28
First Tee Open
See the great players from the Champions Pro Tour compete with the best juniors in the country. Free to attend. www.thefirstteeopen.com
Not a rock show. This is about gems, fossils, minerals and jewelry. More fun than you could imagine www.cvgms.com September 27-28
Monterey County Open Studio
For the 25th year, artists throughout the county open their studios and invite you to visit. www.montereystudiotour. com Through September 28
Shrek the Musical
Our favorite Ogre in a funny dysfunctional love story we can all relate to…with a happy ending www.pacrep.org September 28
Ask a Stupid Question Day
Created by teachers to try to get kids to ask more questions. Much better (and safer) that doing stupid things.
September 2014
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Tailwaggers
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
NCI Affiliates, Inc.
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THE
RESALE TRAIL
110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899 www.nciaffiliates.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
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480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
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Featured Shop MPVS is the oldest non-profit Benefit shop on the Monterey Peninsula and is run solely by women volunteers. Proceeds are contributed to a variety of charitable and cultural non-profit organizations serving the communities on the greater Monterey Peninsula since 1950.