Foolish Times February 2016 by Foolishtimes

February 2016

Hit it right, it’s a slice Hit it left, it’s a hook Hit it straight,

IT’S A MIRACLE

Event Calendar » Pg. 26

February 2016

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Cal State Monterey Bay

World Theater SPRING 2016

Performing Arts Series Est. 1999

Noche Flamenca featuring

Soledad Barrio March 12, 2016 8:00 pm

Lula Washington Dance Theatre April 16, 2016 8:00 pm

Mariachi Reyna de Los Angeles May 5, 2016 and May 6, 2016 7:30 pm

Sponsored by

831.582.4580 csumb.edu/WorldTheater For tickets or more information

...where the best seats are reserved for you.

Seaside Chamber of Commerce Call for more info (831)394-6501 www.YourChambersOfCommerce.org 505 Broadway, Seaside

February 2016

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

Less than 31 days in to the New Year and all my resolutions have been broken. I procrastinated, swore I wouldn’t swear and promised myself I would meet a nice girl. On our first date, it was apparent that she was looking for a new husband. We went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. When asked how she wanted her rice, fried or steamed, she replied, “How about thrown.” I excused myself from the table and never came back. I found out later that she was in the housekeeping business. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. February is a new start and a short month. I’m going to resolve to keep finding humor in everything and stop suffering from insanity and start enjoying it. Thanks for reading and supporting our advertisers.

This month has an extra day. That makes this a leap year. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to jump for joy over this, but it does give us time that only comes around every four years. Free time. There’s not much free in the world anymore that doesn’t come with strings attached. Here’s a day that we get solely because the Earth does not orbit the sun in precisely 365 days. Our world is out of sync. I take that as a sign to spend some time … free time … to slow down, take a breath, align out axes and get back in sync with ourselves and each other. That’s worth jumping for joy over.

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

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P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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February 2016

www.foolishtimes.net And is this her first child?” questioned the doctor. “No you stupid nitwit, this is her husband!” ***

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note, “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!” The morning of the anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “What the heck is this all about?!” hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary, You’re Number Two!” *** Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he came on time for dinner, he never did. It was after one such spat that

he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!” Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after three hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock. Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!” “Really!?,” screamed Mary, “It takes three hours to get run over by a car?!”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball…. That’s when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”

***

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor, “My wife, she’s ready, should we come?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “Just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “Shirley!” Brian screamed at the top of his lungs, “How much time in between the contractions?” “Ten minutes!” “Ok, 10 minutes in between!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?” *** Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. “The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.” “Well,” his friend replies, “since you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, you’ll never be able to sell!” “And that’s where you’re wrong,” the man smiled. “If I sell it, my wife would kill me!” *** On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

I’m gonna spend Valentine’s Day with my ex … box 360.

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February 2016

it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

February 2016

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February 2016

Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram You are a hydrogen bomb these days! This fusion of confusion strikes like a Ring Lardner Hero who rode off in all directions at once. Fall in LOVE, with one person, in one place, at least one at a time, and behold parting lips, soft expressions, a reaching out to caress, a radiant glow, this is what you are missing in your rush to conquer. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull What a mud march you’ve been in. A Bouef Gras stompathon! See the mud as chocolate so you can suck your hoofs. Any case of suffering could be transformed into growing pains. When you resist you get stretch marks. Learning can be enchanting, think of Snow White and her Prince, he went to salientian night classes to perfect that kiss. Even if he practiced on his bullfrog, he endured, and look what he got! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins It’s always a human life for us. Hence, you are lively, intellectual and versatile. Notice how living primarily in the mind can bring many ideas for decorating, and not enough devotion for the ocean of emotion you keep surfing over. Catch this love sick wave darling, it’s the only way to warm the cockles of this meteorological winter in the Northern Hemisphere. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A honeymoon for life! Wow! Your joie de vivre is unbeatable.

Not even a 16th century baton could damn it. (Ask Eduard von Grutzner.) Moon-child, shapes of round encompass you, cylindrical spheres and donut holes cajole you. You love being surrounded by loved ones…and then suddenly, Everybody Ooouuuut! It’s a raid of the temperamental mental. Storing memories and possessions is a divine quest for you to nurture in quiet moments like these. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your Glyph represents two halves of the human heart, Lion Hearted indeed. (Glue is seldom used.) It’s a transitional month and your luminosity is coming out of the winter broom closet. Your involuntary servitude to the less fortunate begins to take shape for the New Year. You may feel it necessary to overturn social conventions while sticking to frivolous confections, a King Cake perhaps will keep tempers subdued in the eleventh hour. A nibble can make for a flirty embrace and a fiery roar can open a new door, or obliterate it. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin First Color TV, February of 1954. All things illuminated. When will we see your full rainbow? Are you going to leave it a mottle upon your palette of the industriously analytical? Know that the hypercritical blots out pink and zero self-indulgence cancels the profundity of indigo. Capturing your soul’s irrationality is the most orderly venture you‘ll ever undertake, Valentine.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A Lent-e-Mental journey is about to commence so EAT UP! The fasting you will part-take in will clear up the murky waters you’ve been reeling in. Leap out, even if it takes 29 tries. Your time is now for Clarity. Alterations were made on your bullet proof vest. WILD ABOUT no more wimpy you! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions A Fat, Fat Tuesday for you! Once reaching the capacity of an insulated boiler, dispensing of your life-force is of most importance in this transit. You are the secret admirer of immortality, so you have nothing to lose except a climax. You are the captain of this BALL, you caroby cherub. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Jon Stewart of the Daily Show, our retired beloved leader, too, is a SAG. Groundhog day this month will be lonely without his wizardry surrounding our underground scurry furry friend with buck teeth. You crave to KNOW! The shadow knows. Try not knowing. It will gnaw out a whole new fleshy outline that can vary your human experience, for example, define true love, a good exercise for you, then watch the Flambeaux light up the dark. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat FEBRUUM: Time of purification. Mardi Gras 1837, the beginning of the end. Carnivals are tides we create beyond the natural ebb and flow.

By Bini Its design to capture aliveness in its exaltation. Your elephantine desire for a great love is understood, but it requires you to drop your black and white approach. A time of refining, start small attend a Black & White ball, and be smitten with COLOR. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier You can still blush while in a cerebral existence. Do not be alarmed. A healthy sporadic debauchery is long overdue. All things calm, cool, and neglected are protected under the law of odds. But, sooner or later fraud rises like leavening bread. You are HUMAN, putting yourself in a linear projection will have you hemorrhaging. But, perhaps RED may be just Le Billet in this important physical link. Happy Birthday! We forget-you-not. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s an EMOTIONAL LIFE! Bubble-eyed in surprise?! You shan’t be. You have lived in the deep moving torrents for an eternity. This is not something that needs fixing. This is not hysterics that adhere to the petite hearted. Amorous Angel…too syrupy? Not when the waffles are stale! Don’t change a thing, except, being so pre-occupied with the whole purpose of existence. You are in the pellucid green pool just before the FALLs. What you do for yourself now will be for everyone later on. Take the parade route through the woods, and up the river. Say Hi to Grandma from everyone.

February 2016

The Evolution of

By Debbie Harris As Seinfeld might say, “What’s the deal with razors?” When I first began shaving my legs, (when dinosaurs still roamed the earth), a razor consisted of a square, straight blade (that needed to be handled carefully), dropped into a handle with an open metal unit which could be closed to keep the blade from falling out. The blade was the only thing changed and it lasted forever, or at least it did with a teenage girl shaving the 10 wispy hairs from her legs once a week. Even with shaving foam and aftershave, shaving was a relatively inexpensive grooming activity. Fast forward to plastic handled razors. These were the units that didn’t require handling the blade. You just unsnapped or slid off the blade unit from the handle and put on a new one. Now encased in plastic, the razor blades were safer and more expensive. This expense increased again when razor blade manufacturers decided that with only one blade, the five o’clock shadow was arriving at noon, so they added a second blade and increased the price. Always cost conscious, I’d

www.foolishtimes.net that isn’t “disposable?” Is there something that leaps out of the trash or the landfill once you throw it in? “You can’t throw me away,” it says. “I don’t have the ‘disposable’ feature!” In my razor search, I saw commercials about the Quatro, the razor with four blades. (Great, extra chances to nick the back of my ankles!) Apparently we are such hairy beasts that we need four slices against our skin to get the unwanted hair from our bodies. I thought about trying a Quatro, but I’ve heard that purchasing one involves a stock portfolio and an appointment with a loan agent. Trying to find the right razor for me had become a challenge. Many times I’ve gone to a store that sells disposable razors, only

RAZORS

catch a sale and once I thought I’d struck gold when I found some blades at the Dollar Store. I should have seen the shaving foam in the sink because when I went back to the Dollar Store to get more blades, they didn’t have any. I tried all the stores that sell razors and I couldn’t find any blades to fit the snap-on or slide-on handles. I had handles with no blades.

Is there something that leaps out of the trash or the landfill once you throw it in? Resigned to change, I eventually gave up looking for razor blades and began looking at disposable razors. I really had no choice, since it appeared that this was the only type of shaving product available, aside from electric/battery operated units (I’ve heard “pain-pain” about both the Yes! and the NoNo). I’m not sure why these razors are called “disposable”—as if that’s a special feature about them. Is there any inanimate object

to find the bins empty? Do I only shop for razors after a full moon and all the new werewolves stop in for clean up supplies? Last year’s local laws banning plastic grocery bags show our community’s desire to help wildlife and decrease plastic disposables, but what about the razors? Would these folks only care if sea gulls with shaved chests flew by? If they found out that catfish really had fur until the disposable razors were introduced into their environment? If, instead of picking fleas off of each other, the apes in the zoo were attentively giving more definition to each other’s sideburns? And how did the bald eagle really become bald? So wish me luck finding razors and keep your pets away from the trash lest they meet up with an unexpected shave.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES...

Come on ladies, you could just say “no” Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love.

~I promised my dog that I would floss him ~I have a contagious fungal infection ~I am participating in the dragon-breath contest ~I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out ~I was asked out by Brad Pitt once; I would hate to make you feel inadequate by constantly thinking about it

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February 2016

PHOBIA is excessive fear Mania is unreasonable enthusiasm

Peace of Mind Essex will Maintain and Prevent Problems to Keep Your Auto Running Safely

Complimentary Visual Inspection

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: Fear of long words Bla Bla Bla… Alliumphobia: Fear of garlic Stay away from Gilroy Venustraphobia: Fear of beautiful women Most men have this Androphobia: Fear of men Most women don’t have this Zelophobia: Fear of jealousy Can you say “crazy”

YOU’RE NOT ALONE WE’RE ALL FOOLISH The best alternative to the high priced dealers

Phronemophobia: Fear of thinking Thinking is overrated Discomania: obsession for disco music So 1980’s Florimania: Crazy for flowers. All women on Valentine’s Day Rhinotillexomania: Compulsive nose picking What people do while driving Empleomania: Mania for holding public office Check to see who is running for local office

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? “I’ve got a crutch on you!”

125-C Sun St, Salinas 831-757-2370 www.esseximports.com

JUST TELLING YA… In an Optometrist’s office: "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you've come to the right place." On a septic tank truck sign: "We are #1 in the #2 business." At a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary; we hear you coming." In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Pizza shop slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak."

February 2016

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By Lily Brun

Not Tip-toeing Through the Tulips Gardening is about planning. So, last November I planted a bunch of tulip (Tulipa gesneriana L.) bulbs in a border next to a walkway along the side of my house. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be so cool to see a beautiful patch of blooming tulips in spring, greeting me every time I walked outside.” Yes, I actually said that to myself. Gardening is a solitary activity, so I’m forced to talk to myself. Anyway, this past weekend, I did a walkabout the property. The torrents of rain that have

come down the past month have wreacked havoc on the garden. I’m not complaining. We need the rain. But, my raised beds are basically giant mud puddles and I have more weeds than I could ever pull in a lifetime. I was mumbling to myself as I splashed around, that it was a good thing I didn’t have anything in the ground to speak of, when I remembered my tulip bulbs. Tulips are like precious gems in the ground … hidden treasures that appear auto-magically in spring. Most only produce a single flower. So, they bloom and then they’re gone. I was hoping

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

my weren’t bass-ackward - gone before they bloomed. As I was knee deep in weeds, searching for a sign that all was well, channeling Tiny Tim and his hit song, Tiptoe Through the Tulips, hoping that I would indeed get a tulip-toe-tickle in springtime, I realized that I had not unearthed one tulip bulb. They were gone. With every spade of overturned dirt, it became clearer to me that my dreams of a field dotted with turban-shaped flowers, bobbing in the breeze was not to be.

The tulipmania that took over the Netherlands in the 1600s was not going to happen in my little corner of the world. The tulipmania that took over the Netherlands in the 1600s was not going to happen in my little corner of the world. Of the 3,000 varieties of this member of the lily family, not one was going to bloom

in my yard. The famous Queen of the Night was now infamously missing and unaccounted for. I would have better luck building a windmill or learning how to walk in wooden shoes, than I would growing tulips this season. The culprit. Not the rain. Or the weeds. Or my gardening ineptitude. No, the culprit … the pesky California pocket gophers that have apparently, in their neverending search for food, been gorging on a steady diet of tulip bulbs for the past few months. I hope they’re living large, because next year I’m going to plant tulip bulbs wrapped in Juicy Fruit gum. That’ll double their pleasure!

Whale you be my Valentine?” “Dolphinately.”

SeasideAutoDealers.com

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day! Answers on page 24

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February 2016

Mira, WOW! By Daria James

Share one more drink and smile although you’re sad. February is the shortest month of the year, but if you are single, it can feel like an eternity. Was it Einstein who said time is relative? He would be so proud to know we can apply physics, time, and space conundrum to our love lives. Take that, Shakespeare! This month brings us closer so we can tear each other apart; we start with Superbowl Sunday: the Thanksgiving of Football. Whether your team made it or not we all cheer for a specific team and hate on the other one while we stuff our faces with queso dip,

salsa, chips, chicken wings, pizza, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, beers, cold meats and the list goes on and on. Way to break a New Year’s resolution unless you have worked out each day this year, waiver granted. If you are a horror movie connoisseur, you’d be sad to know this month does not bring a Friday the 13th for you to relive the classics (technically rekill) with Jason and those pesky teenagers who seem to have two left feet when it comes to running away from a killer. They be tripping on air as they run in the wrong direction or my favorite: upstairs! Because jumping out of a second or third floor window is

A fellow sitting at the bar struck up a conversation with the bartender. As they became friendlier the bartender said, “I didn’t want to say anything but you’ve got your wedding ring on the wrong finger.” The man replied, “You are correct. I married the wrong woman.” Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in from the wet and cold and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.

the best way to escape. Cats do it all the time, right? If you survived the Friday the 13th marathon, now you have to survive a Ryan Gosling marathon and that Notebook movie your girlfriend refuses to stop watching. If you love her, you watch it with her, but if she loves you, she will not make you watch it again! (You’re welcome.) If you think about it both movie genres have a lot in common: In a scary movie a fool will die and the survivors move on, in a romantic movie there is a fool that you want to kill because take a hint guy, she’s not interested.

February has been labeled the month of love. Way to go marketing campaigns. In a scary movie the villain had a jaded past and he is only a victim of his environment, in a romantic comedy the good guy had a jaded past and is only a victim of his environment. But he is willing to change for his love. You see how ridiculous that sounds?! Nobody changes for others. Does a tiger change his stripes? Have you not heard the story of the frog and the scorpion? February has been labeled

the month of love. Way to go marketing campaigns, the money invested by your companies will not go to waste. Lovebirds buy your overpriced gifts, chocolates and wine and those “unloved” buy themselves gifts, chocolate and wine to fight their feelings of loneliness. There’s no conspiracy, it’s just the way two hearts feel. Winner, winner, chicken dinner for one! (Make reservations in advance) I say, nobody tells me how to live my life! I am the same awesome me all year-round. I am well rounded like that. My loved ones know I love them and I express it in many ways throughout the year. Like when my husband snores, I do not smother him with a pillow. And that is love.

I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

831.277.3636

February 2016

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By Chuck Shepherd

Priorities, PlayStations and Xboxes, However, State-of-the-Art A New York University Center for Justice study released in September warned that, unless major upgrades are made quickly, 43 states will conduct 2016 elections on electronic voting machines at least 10 years old and woefully suspect. Those states use machines no longer made or poorly supported, and those in 14 states are more than 15 years old. There are apprehensions over antiquated security (risking miscounts, potential for hacking), but also fear of election-day breakdowns causing long lines at the polls, depressing turnout and dampening confidence in the overall fairness of the process. The NYU center estimated the costs of upgrading at greater than $1 billion.

Wait, What? • In a “manifesto” to celebrate “personal choice and expression” in the standard of beauty “in a society that already places too many harmful standards on women,” according to a July New York Times report, some now are dyeing their armpit hair. At the Free Your Pits website, and events like “pit-ins” in Seattle and Pensacola, Florida, envelopepushing women offer justifications ranging from political resistance to, according to one, “want(ing) to freak out (her) in-laws.” Preferred

colors are turquoise, hot pink, purple and neon yellow. • Actress Melissa Gilbert (a star of TV’s “Little House on the Prairie”), 51, announced in August that she would run for Congress from Michigan’s 8th Congressional District -- even though she is currently on the hook to the IRS and California for back taxes totaling $470,000. Gilbert, a former president of the Screen Actors Guild and member of the AFL-CIO Executive Council, promised that she (and her actor-husband) would pay off her tax bill—by the year 2024.

Men Are Simple • Update: Five years after News of the Weird mentioned it, Japan’s Love Plus virtual-girlfriend app is more popular than ever, serving a growing segment of the country’s lonely males —those beyond peak marital years and resigned to artificial “relationships.” Love Plus models (Rinko, Manaka and Nene) are chosen mostly (and surprisingly) not for physical attributes, but for flirting and companionship. One user described his “girlfriend” (in a September Time magazine dispatch) as “someone to say good morning to in the morning and ... goodnight to at night.” Said a Swedish observer, “You wouldn’t see (this phenomenon) in Europe or America.” One problem: Men can get stuck in a “love loop” waiting for the next app update— with, they hope, more “features.”

• “Odette Delacroix,” 25, of North Hollywood, California, is a petite (86 pounds) model who runs an adult fetish website in which people (i.e., men) pay to watch her tumble around, bikiniclad, with “plus-size” models, up to five at a time, squashing and nearly suffocating her in “pigpiles.” “Odette” told London’s edition of Cosmopolitan that her PetiteVsPlump website has so far earned her about $100,000.

The Job of the Researcher Scientists at North Carolina State and Wake Forest universities have developed a machine that vomits, realistically, enabling the study of “aerosolization” of dangerous norovirus. “Vomiting Larry” can replicate the process of retching, including the pressure at which particles are expelled (which, along with volume and “other vomit metrics,” can teach the extent of the virus’ threat in large populations). The researchers must use a harmless stand-in “bacteriophage” for the studies— because norovirus is highly infectious even in the laboratory.

Police Report Relentless Wannabes: • Authorities in Winter Haven, Florida, arrested James Garfield, 28, with the typical faux-police set-up—Ford Crown Victoria with police lights, uniform with goldstar badge, video camera, Taser, and business cards printed with “law enforcement.” (Explained Garfield lamely, the “law enforcement” was just a “printing mistake.”) • In nearby Frostproof, Florida, Thomas Hook, 48, was also arrested in September, his 14th law-enforcement-impersonator arrest since 1992. His paraphernalia included the Crown Vic with a prisoner cage, scanner, spotlight, “private investigator”

and “fugitive recovery” badges, and an equally bogus card identifying him as a retired Marine Corps major. Hook’s one other connection to law enforcement: He is a registered sex offender.

Buddhists Acting Out • Police in Scotland’s Highlands were called in September when a Buddhist retreat participant, Raymond Storrie, became riled up that another, Robert Jenner, had boiling water for his tea, but not Storrie’s. After Storrie vengefully snatched Jenner’s own hot water, Jenner punched him twice in the head, leading Storrie to threaten to kill Jenner (but also asking, plaintively, “Is this how you practice dharma?”). • A Buddhist monk from Louisiana, Khang Nguyen Le, was arrested in New York City in September and accused of embezzling nearly $400,000 from his temple to fuel his gambling habit (blackjack, mostly at a Lake Charles, Louisiana, casino).

Oops! • An official of the Missouri Republican Party apologized in September for the “thoughtless” act of using an original Thomas Hart Benton mural in the state Capitol as a writing surface. Valinda Freed and a man were exchanging business cards, and Freed, needing to jot down information on the card, placed it directly on the mural to backstop her writing. Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal UClick,1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

February 2016

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February 2016

Valentine’s Day, Leap Day and El Nino

by Rex Keyes It’s February and a very special month of 2016 because it contains not only Valentine’s Day but Leap Year Day which is Monday, February 29. Now leap day is a day added about every four years to the calendar. The reason for that is there are 365 days to the year in which the earth is supposed to circumnavigate the sun, but it is about a quarter day short of doing so. So about every four years we add an extra day to the calendar thereby allowing the earth to make up the difference in lost distance. So what does Leap Day have to do with Valentine’s Day? Valentine’s Day is a day of romance between couples. It is also a day when many men propose to their loved ones to get married. Now many centuries ago in England, Ireland, Scotland, Denmark, and all the way to Greece there was a tradition that it would be perfectly normal for women to propose to men on Leap

Day. There was even a law in one country that if the man refused, he would have to give the women some sort of gift as in a fancy gown, gloves or money. Maybe now they should change it to allow the woman a shopping spree at Macys, Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue or Nordstrom.

By the way Zsa Zsa Gabor proposed to all her husbands. If a woman is going with a man for years and he hasn’t proposed, either because he might be shy, or is not sure about getting married, this day would allow the woman to get down to the nitty gritty and get an answer from her partner. If a woman does not believe in long engagements, leap day is the traditional day to “pop the question” and set a date. Now this tradition has survived in the United States but since leap

years are four years apart, it is not well known. So if your boyfriend mentions that it is not normal for a woman to propose, tell him it’s tradition on Leap Day and have him check it out on the internet. By the way Zsa Zsa Gabor proposed to all her husbands. Look out El Nino is here! The newspapers and television love to use the word El Nino every week with a warning about rain, rain and more rain. The words El Nino have only been around and used in the US for a short time and the press just loves it. So let’s look around and see if El Nino is really that bad. We had no rain last summer even though El Nino was there. Take a look. Is the Salinas River flowing? We have had more rain in non-El Nino years. It is February and winter is going away fast. Will it rain through summer? It should, El Nonsense, excuse me, El Nino is here. Maybe we need Arctic storms from way up north to come down and drench

us. Oregon and Washington are getting a lot of rain, but from the north. They have a saying that Oregonians don’t tan, they rust. There is a chance I could be wrong and it will rain on and on pretty hard for the next six months, Ha! Ha! Ha! Happy Valentine’s and Leap Day!

That awkward moment when Valentines Day is around the corner and the only person that loves you is your mom.

February 2016

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FOOL

CURB

1) Why are babies so ugly when they are born? 2) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults do? 3) Is Rainbow Trout a good name of a baby girl? Christel 1) You would be ugly too if you were pushed through something smaller than your head. 2) Yes because they are fed and don’t have to wipe their butts. 3) No, only you hate your child.. Dustin 1) To protect them from being eaten. 2) No, babies are peeing and pooing on themselves and only get one thing to eat. It’s not a good time. 3) Probably, because we get traumatized by our parents all the time.

What’s that hotty reading?

Maria 1) That’s a hard question; to me no babies are ugly. 2) I think adults enjoy infancy a lot more. 3) No, it’s too fishy. Nancy 1) Because they are water logged. 2) I would say we both hate them as much. 3) Kind of a cool name for a baby girl.

William 1) My babies were perfectly beautiful when they were born. 2) I do not think a baby can enjoy infancy as much as a parent enjoy s a child’s infancy. 3) Absolutely not! Although I’m not surprised animals eat their young. Trout are delicious and my children look delicious but I would not eat them.

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Dennis 1) Are ya looking at me? 2) What kind of question is that to ask a guy who started in 1951 and still looks like this in 2016? 3) What’s a Rainbow Trout?

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WHIRLYBIRDS

By Ted Gargiulo My wife and I drove to Brooklyn from Maryland, where we lived at the time, to see my mom’s new apartment. More than once, I had offered to help her move. But she wouldn’t hear of it, and insisted vehemently on hiring professionals. One of the first things we noticed was a table overturned on the floor in the living room, and a damaged lamp lying beside it. “What happened here, Mom?” “The movers dropped the table and busted a leg. It fell over, and so did the lamp.” “And what’s this under the sofa?” “Oh yeah, they broke the leg on that too, and I had to prop it up with a ream of paper.” “So how long’s the sofa going to stay like that?” “Till I find someone to fix it.” Clearly, she was not a happy customer. “Mind telling me what did these ‘professionals’ cost you?” “Two thousand dollars.” That really irked me. “See, if you had let me and my friends help you, we’d have busted your furniture for a fraction of the cost!” I recognized the paper under the sofa. I had cut it for her myself 10 to 15 years earlier when I worked for a printer in Manhattan. Imagine that! Now people were sitting on it! “I can’t believe that, in all this time, you haven’t used this paper in your office.” “Hey, I’ve got more reams in the closet. Want them?” “Guess I might as well take some, since you obviously don’t need them.”

A friend suggested that my mom may have held onto that stuff because it represented something I made. I thought about that. And you know, it would have been like her to do something like that. Practically anything I created meant the world to her. It didn’t have to be special, or even good. I was reminded of the “whirlybird” I drew way back in my single digits. It was for an art contest on television, based on the action show by the same name. Truth was: I could NOT draw. Not then, not now. Call me graphically dysfunctional. I can barely copy my own signature. Regardless, I tried reproducing this helicopter I’d found in a children’s encyclopedia. I gave it my best shot. The results were wretched, utterly pathetic! Yet, my mom ooed and ahhed about that stupid whirlybird for years. Said it had such “personality.” (PuhLEASE!) The woman cherished everything I produced: from the crude clay ashtrays I punched out in art class (which were the only shapes my warped imagination could emulate), to the lopsided hi-fi stand I built for my bedroom, to the demented puppet shows I staged in the living room. She’d have praised them no matter how they stank, as long as they were by ME. It didn’t take much to please her. So yes, that paper I had guillotined and wrapped for her at my former job must have represented my rare, prodigious personality—a creative force only an undemanding mother could love! Granted, I excelled in other

February 2016 areas (acting and writing, for example), and my mom did, over time, come to recognize these talents. Nevertheless, my superior virtues notwithstanding, she preferred to let a van company trash her belongings, than trust her own son to help her move. Sad!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental! Happy Valentine’s Day, hope you all get some … chocolates.

It’s a Leap Year! Answers on pg 24

Earth Orbit Day February Monday New Moon Lunar Calendar Julius Caesar Roman Women Propose Marriage France Paper Anthony Texas Capital

February 2016

QUOTE … Unquote! A silly selection of utterly unbelievable utterances. Who said what?

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A) “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” B) “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” C) “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” D) “My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.” E) “I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.” F) “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.” G) “Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything.” H) “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” Answers: A) Erich Segal; B) Jules Renard; C) Lewis Black; D) Rita Rudner; E) Garry Shandling; F) David Letterman; G) Jon Steward; H) Tracy Smith

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TRIVIAL PURSUITS

By Richard Matranga I see Alex Trebek signed on for three more years. I wonder why we humans can’t use Trivial Pursuit as a paradigm to settle our differences? Thanks to Merv Griffin, the name of this benign game was changed to Jeopardy; just watch the opening of the show … THIS … IS .. JEOPARDY!!!!!! Sounds ominous, doesn’t it? Statements published by Einstein, Hawkings et al., at the top of the “brain” chain, about “human” aggression, don’t bode well for a peaceful approach to resolve our differences either. If the “chips” were down and you took a “straw” poll, I would be willing to bet that the average human would rather scald, maim and torture non-tribal members (ok, throw in a few members of the tribe, too) with nuclear weapons, than trust our leaders* in a game of Trivial Pursuit, to settle our differences in a less violent matter. Given the quality of leadership, a nuclear scalding doesn’t sound so bad. I mean, you’ve seen the kind of people (egg heads, weirdos, so called scientific and intellectual

types) that make the cut as contestants on Jeopardy! They’re the same type of people who created nuclear fission. Somehow, I stubbornly cling to the vision of a less aggressive “community of nations,” if you will, solving the world’s problems with hunger, shelter, disease, climate, religion, politics, fashion, etc., with Alex Trebek as the ultimate arbiter. I could visualize all nations, (assuming agreement could be reached on the “ground rules,” e.g., whether Alex sports a mustache or not) resolving how we are going to deal with Global Warming, for example, in this civilized fashion. The first of these great “matches” would feature the Russians, the Chinese and the USA. Of course, categories would have to be judiciously selected like … The Orient Express … Potent Potato Potables … You’re Just Stalin … Mom … Baseball … Apple Pie … oh, yeah, and Shakespeare’s Revenge … just to keep the science types out there humble. The Final Jeopardy category? Films from the 1950s. Answer: He saved the entire world in the 1958 sci-fi thriller, The Blob.

February 2016 Now, before you whiners out there cry “foul” on the part of the USA, you should be made aware that the CIA has, with the assistance of the Secret Service, crashed through another seemingly “insurmountable” barrier, discovering that the gentleman on the set without the shirt on is not really Alex Trebek. It is Vlad Putin ( solid police work). And the computers and software that control every aspect of the program? They were manufactured and sold … by the Chinese. So, it should come as no surprise that the “software” was infused with a built in virus sporting the cryptic phrase “The Blob - Steve McQueen.” Be sure and tune in next week as the US squares off with leaders from Iran and Korea. Should be a close match. Hopefully the USA can keep their heads about them in this year’s contest. *Leaders, are defined as those elected by a majority of the populace exercising the right to vote, i.e., approximately 15 percent of the eligible voting population, unless otherwise selected by the following: military coup, special interest groups, self-appointed (dictators) or divine monarchies wielding the power to ignore the rest of us.

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, February 14.

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day! SeasideAutoDealers.com

Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing “This little Piggy” with his baby brother! What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie talkie! What has 50 legs but can’t walk? Half a centipede! What do you call a guard with 100 legs? A sentrypede! What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army! Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on! What is worse than an alligator with toothache? A centipede with athlete’s foot! What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg!

February 2016

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The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

Save the Cricket Do you hear the cricket Chirping in the thicket? Don’t use a pin to prick it Or let your dog go sic it All creatures should be safe and free Including even you and me So don’t be a squishin’ Such great bait for fishin’. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

SUPER BOWL GAME MUNCHIES

THIS WON’T HARM YOUR ARM CHAIR QB PHYSIQUE 3 Delicata Squash 3 tsp olive oil 1 tsp Red chili peppers 2 tsp salt 1 tsp pepper Dip: 1 cps plain yogurt 1 minced garlic clove 8 chopped mint leaves Zest from one lemon DIRECTIONS Cut squash in half; remove seeds, cut into rings Combine olive oil, S & P, chili flakes Toss in squash and coat Place rings single layer on greased sheet pan Roast for 10 min. @ 350 degrees Turnover, roast for 10 more minutes Dip: Combine yogurt, garlic, zest and mint Serve rings when cooled

Make Me

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February 2016

iHusband By Rosie Sorenson You know that iPod Classic I bought for my husband? Well, I didn’t buy it for him. I bought it for me―to shut him up. He’s a linguist, you see. A word man. I love that about him because we can yammer and joust with words all day long. In fact, we’ve been known to race each other to the dictionary to find out who knows the correct meaning of a word, say, “defenestration.” If I beat him, he will then say, “Wull, yeah, but I bet you don’t know the etymology.” To which I reply, “Please enlighten me, oh Word Master.” This is great fun most of the time, up until it isn’t. Our house is small and there’s no place for me to hide when I write. In peace. If he’s at home, I have to rely on him to be quiet. Not an easy feat since he’s an out-loud linguist: “Honey, did you see the article in Newsweek about lexical gaps?” “Do you remember what that word was we argued about yesterday?” My response is often, “Sweetheart, what is it about keeping quiet that you don’t understand?” “Oh. Sorry.” The only place where I can hide behind a closed door is the bathroom. Believe me, if it were large enough to accommodate a desk, I’d set up shop. Since Steve loves music almost as much as he loves words, I got him the iPod because: a) He can listen to Bach as much as he wants and I don’t have to hear it; and b) If he were listening to music, I figured, he’d be quiet. Well, you know what happens when people are so plugged into their iPods that they are unaware

they exist in real space and time and, worse yet, in other people’s space and time? You’ve no doubt heard them on the train, you’ve heard them on the bus, you’ve heard them walking down the street, bouncing their heads and mumbling. They’re apparently singing along to some kind of music, but you don’t know that for sure because you can’t hear it; you only hear the drone of the uninvited noise in your personal space.

Well, you know what happens when people are so plugged into their iPods that they are unaware they exist in real space and time. The other day, I was in my loft writing while Steve was downstairs at his desk. All of a sudden, I heard an indecipherable set of human sounds. Normally, my honey has a lovely singing voice, but as I was about to discover, when he’s listening to his iPod you’d think he was the most tone-deaf man on the planet. I crept downstairs and moved within his line of sight. He pulled out his ear buds. Turns out, he was listening to “Oh Happy Day,” the popular ‘80’s song by the Edwin Hawkins Singers. Which is fine, but . . . “You know that line in the song,” he says, “where she sings, ‘When Jesus washed . . .’?”

I nod. He smiles and says, “Well, not many people would know this but there’s an “Open O” sound in the word ‘washed’ and she does something really cool with it – she turns it into a triphthong!” See what I’m talking’ about? That’s my guy. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www. theyhadmeatmeow.com

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.

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JOKES

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

I called my acupuncturist the other night and told her I was in pain. She said to take two safety pins and call her in the morning.

February 2016

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A buddy and I went camping last summer deep in Big Sur. After we got the tent all set up it was late so we turned in. Some hours later, my friend woke me up and asked, “Dude, look towards sky, what you see?” “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” I pondered for a minute before saying, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you?’” “You’re dumber than a blond. It means someone stole the tent.”

Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905

CHIMNEY SWEEPER Protect your home! A clean chimney is a safe chimney. 40 years experience. Quick response. 831.402.2273 tandtcleanup.webs.com

HANDYMAN Bob

I can ﬁx, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!

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DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter

No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

DONATE YOUR CAR Of the Peace Foundation

Running or not, we recondition vehicles & GIVE them to local veterans and their families. A vet will p/u your vehicle. 501c3 non-proﬁt 831.324.5051 thepeacevet.org CERAMICS

ESSENTIAL OILS Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life Class dates 2.25.16 and 3.24.16 RSVP 831.747.2192 mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#

PLUMBING

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Premier store oﬀering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

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KNOCK OFF it

Knock, knock. Who’s There? Imma. Imma Who? Imma gettin’ old open the door!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke. Knock, knock. Who’s There? Impatient cow. Impatient cow wh-? Mooooo! Knock, knock Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel. Knock, knock Who’s there? Sadie. Sadie who? Sadie magic word and watch me

disappear!

Knock, knock, Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hey, you didn’t remember me! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for dinner. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kirtch. Kirtch who? God bless you! Will you remember me in a minute? Yes. Will you remember me in a week? Yes. Will you remember me in a year? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? You didn’t remember me! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the the peep hole and find out.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way, I’m coming through!

February 2016

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a letter, did you get it? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iona. Iona who? Iona new car!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Arfur. Arfur who? Arfur got!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday to you!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.

Knock, knock Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Wow. You sure are excited to see me! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go Cows go who? Cows don’t go who, they go moo!

Knock, knock Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben knocking For 10 minutes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Two knee. Two knee who? Two-knee fish!

February 2016

2016 is leap year. We add one day to the calendar this month to make up for the way Earth spins around the sun. That’s the story they tell us and we’re sticking to it.

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February 7

February 16

Super Bowl Sunday

International Flavors of Marina

We predict a Bronco win with Payton Manning being carried off the field to be cast in bronze and immediately inducted to the Hall of Fame at the conclusion of the game.

February 14

St. Valentine’s Day

To the world, you may be one person. But to someone, you may be the world. Today starts the continuation of your love story.

February 2

Groundhog Day

How hard is Punxsutawney Phil’s job this year? With all the cold and snow, he’s silly to even pop his head out of his hole. www.groundhog.org

February 5

First Friday Art Walk

Lots of interactive art offerings in welcoming receptions throughout historic Oldtown. www.artistasunidos.org

February 8-14

AT&T Pro-Am

Since 1937, a historical golf event featuring 156 pros and 156 amateurs. Proof that golf is a party. Thanks Bing. www.attpbgolf.com

February 19

Wine & Chocolate

11th annual event where for one evening you can eat, drink and talk loudly in the Library. A good time to return your overdue books. www.mplfriends.com

February 13

River Road Wine Trail

Passport event on a lovely road through Steinbeck Country to eight world class wineries. riverroadwinetrail.com

February 11-13

Vagina Monologues

A funny and moving collection of lusty, brave and thoughtful stories all tied in a bow at the end. worldtheater.csumb.edu

February 18

Charlie Musselwhite

A special evening with the legendary harmonica great playing with the southern blues and roots rock band North Mississippi Allstars. Golden State is going is be shaking. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

February 15 February 6

Larry Wilde

Happy 88th birthday to our friend and a funny guy. www.larrywilde.com

10th annual event with great food and drink from the restaurants of Marina flavors.marinachamber.com

Biggest Loser Monterey County Get your friends, co-workers and neighbors together to be the biggest loser. Local info line: 831.394.6501 biggestlosercommunity.com

February 24

Second City

Back by popular demand, a new show about relationships featuring hilarious sketches, songs and world-famous improvisation from Chicago’s best. www.sunsetcenter.org

February 27

Get in Free Day

Residents get in free at the National Steinbeck center. Not sure what is going on in this building these days. Go find out and report back. www.steinbeck.org

February 28

The Academy Awards All eyes will be on funny man Chris Rock as he entertains us between presentations of the Oscar for best what?

February 29

Leap Day

A day for single guys to remind themselves how awesome single life can be. Just ask your married friends.

February 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

RESALE

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

Yellow Brick Road

Second Chance

Branches Resale Shoppe

THE

SPCA Benefit Shop

TRAIL

26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

C D B

FEATURED SHOP Just celebrated our third year of benefiting San Carlos School. We are proud to offer quality repurposed items at a fraction of their original cost. Join us this month as we roll out Christmas and select from our assortment of ugly sweaters. Featured discounts daily.

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038