March 2016
Still thinking about breaking up with me?
Event Calendar Âť Pg. 26
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March 2016
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Cal State Monterey Bay
World Theater SPRING 2016
Performing Arts Series Est. 1999
Noche Flamenca
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Soledad Barrio March 12, 2016 8:00 pm
Lula Washington Dance Theatre April 16, 2016 8:00 pm
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Mariachi Reyna de Los Angeles May 5, 2016 and May 6, 2016 7:30 pm
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March 2016
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Eugnot Gib, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Marija, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
When I get in my car to start my day there is only one thing on my mind. Am I on time? I know she is there. Am I on time? Some days I miss. The best days are the ones I get to see her and wave like I had a lick of sense. Let me start at the beginning. One morning five years ago I groggily drove around the block so my car would face my office before I put it on auto pilot and drove brain dead to work. On the corner by an assisted living facility is a woman who while waiting for the van to come take her to wherever the van takes her, she waves to all the cars that pass by. On this day I waved back. The exchange made me feel awake and happy. I notice that my day starts better when I don’t miss my morning wave. Once in a while I roll down the window and not only wave, I yell, “Hi”. She smiles and says hi back. How cool is that? This exchange takes a few seconds and yet the good feeling of acknowledgment lingers to get me to my first cup of coffee. Let’s all take a few seconds and wave to each other like we all had a lick of sense. It feels good.
I love watching the Food Network. Something about all those chefs whipping up tasty, delicious meals that makes my mouth water. It does not, however, inspire me to want to cook. Go figure. But I like to eat and I do like the connection that comes with sharing a meal with someone or friends or family. This month I’m looking forward to having a corned beef sandwich and celebrating the Irish part of my ethnic heritage. No green beer and no cabbage - I’m only half Irish so I pick and choose what I like and what I don’t. But a corned beef on rye sandwich with mustard and a pickle on the side is absolutely delicious and worth sharing. Fortunately, my partner loves to cook, so I know a yummy corned beef is in my future. This month, whether you’re Irish or not, celebrate your heritage and come together over a delicious meal. Good food equals good times!
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Enjoy.
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
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March 2016
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!” *** A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to
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me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.” *** A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulps, looks around,
A FEW MORE FOOLISH WORDS ABOUT CHINS… • She has so many chins, her neck limped • He had so many chins; he had to put a bookmaker in his mouth • She had so many chins; she had to jack up her face to wash it
Knock Knock Who’s there? Irish! Irish Who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
*** A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
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Jay Leno is coming to town. His chin will be here a few days later. His chin is so iconic it has its own dressing room
*** During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get
and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
• He has more chins than Shanghai • What’s that under your chin? Oh, that’s just another chin
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March 2016
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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March 2016
• He can’t swim a stroke, but he knows every dive in town. • He ruined his health by drinking to everyone else’s. • Nobody forced him to drink, he’s a volunteer. • They say he’s a hard drinker. Actually it’s the easiest thing he does. • She doesn’t wear glasses. She just empties them. • He drinks so much, he’s two thousand swallows ahead of Capistrano. • For the first time in a while she was truly happy… Then she remembered she was drunk.
When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? When it’s a FRENCH fry!
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March 2016
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com In the eye of the “O” of Fool-O-Scope lies a Theme. MARCH was a more undesirable month in olden times. It was March’s mad changeability that made many tuck in their upper lip. Bini says, instead look to its twilight at midday, its rainbow mists, its late winter shadows that cloak a crumbling bullnose that changes to a rendezvous in a film noir. Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram A foolish March to the cherry blossom tree for you found no love full of glee. Your call echoes to the meadows, where is thee! What did you think all of your coming and going would create? A coming and going? Of course it did and so you stopped to fill up on Ghee. The fact for this setback is you prefer carefree, so open the Chablis. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your tail is showing! This giant smallness is in the ides of March. You are being superstitious. Oh, so unlike you, earthy beast, ask yourself this: why are you hiding your potential? Stuffing it into a cushion of mediocrity won’t make you sit taller. The only impending doom is the gloom you’ve been gathering in your bullish head. Go thee to the withdrawing room! Go on. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins A miss is as good as a mile! You act with indubious persuasion, but beneath that surface you are antagonized. You thought it a devil when in fact it was grandma
with hotcakes and Kosher pickles. In your impetuousness an opportunity flashed before you and vanished. Cattncer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A golden key can open any door. A door on the boundary between winter and spring known as March. The only article holding you back is the abysmal lack of general knowledge on the subject of locksmiths. The combination lies only in a few turns sideways and jubilation well on its way. Click! Eureka! Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion March hack ham comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb! Surely a tussle of that mane will awaken your privilege to take what is yours with fang and claw and duly noted, to act as if it were there for the taking! Recall the small and feeble proverbs, the history that tries to ease the truth of a deathly demise. All is well that ends well… right? Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin We know you’re in there! We can you hear the dragonflies coughing. This carpet of yellow roses all over and underfoot won’t hide you for long. Clear this plastic pandemonium because a change is as good as a rest! Don’t be a pest where serenity is a quest. Give up inquiring forces and contemplate your navel’s crest. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Shutting down for you is as impossible as accepting that a woman’s place is in the home!
Unless we speak of the home as the heart, well then, Woman’s work is never done, is it! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions As thick as thieves! Crimson, Burgundy, and Maroon, are your colors. They can enhance seasonal bravery for the places you are most suspicious of. No more droopy shoulders, this is just the antidote you need for the unyielding desire to fly alone. Roll up your sleeves past your ears, and share those secrets! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! You hate this phrase because you lost your arrow in the hydrangea bush. While fetching it, you broke your bow. Your attention went astray when you were concocting a plan for more than you ever aimed for before. Look at the Grouse?! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Thought you might like to know there are more pet dogs in the USA then people in Britain. The hair of the dog is the best route at this juncture. A bit cliché perhaps, but it’s a waiting game. Waiting too is overused for certain urgent matters, but You may as well chill otherwise relief will be nil! Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A drowning person will clutch at a frog. A ribbit-ing screech for help! Is this what you want? A pure act of desperation? It’s about mental fatigue for you Aquario. Your mouth is full of alphabet blocks jamming your jaw, roll out that
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By Bini dice and get your Speedo on and spring into a sublime thaw! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes A fish rots from the head down! Your motives and methods only need a trifle of tinkering. Continue to dive up the river with your best shot! Watch out for the Bears intending to swallow your lot. Don’t be hasty, if others more desirable will have you not. Soon than later, you will be shoaling with a trot. So as a leader of the day, Happy Birthday! All aboard your treasured yacht!
What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland? A sham rock
March 2016
By Lily Brun My favorite flower is the sunflower (helianthus annuus). Something about that big, bright, sunny face chock-full of edible seeds that just makes me want to grow them. They’re happy looking. There’s nothing better than a garden full of happy looking plants … except for a garden full of tomatoes, but that’s another story. Back to sunflowers. I have one hundred seeds in my greenhouse right now that, if all goes well will grow into beautiful 15 foot high plants. One hundred sunflowers with an average of 2,000 seeds per flower means I’ll have 20,000 seeds. Just imagine how many
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baseball games that would get me through! We all owe Reggie Jackson a debt of gratitude that professional baseball players stopped chewing tobacco and started the spittin’ seed habit. Some teams go through as many as 12 cases of sunflower seeds in a season. What must the dugout look like at the end of the game? Back in the 60s when Reggie was making seed history, he most likely just chewed the original salted and roasted version. Since then a flavor revolution has taken place. The seeds of a native American flower now spice up our national pastime. Dill Pickle, Cracked Pepper, Barbecue, Chili Lime, Ranch, Jalapeno Hot Salsa,
Enjoy a bowl of upscale comfort food
CREAMY PENNE W/ BLUE CHEESE AND GRAPES 8oz Penne Pasta 1 tbs Butter 1 Minced Garlic Clove 1 cup Heavy Cream He 1/3 cup Assorted Colored Table Grapes/ Halved ½ cup Crumbled Blue Cheese ¼ tsp S&P Cook pasta al dente. Drain, set aside Melt butter in large skillet, medium heat Add garlic, sauté’ one minute. Pour in cream Bring to a boil. Cook until thickening. Add pasta, grapes, blue cheese and toss to coat Season with S&P. Serve hot
Make Me
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Sour Cream and Onion, Sea Salt and Black Pepper, Old Bay, Heinz Salt and Vinegar, Red Hot Buffalo Wing, Bacon Salt Sizzlin’ Bacon - I’m looking at my sunflower seedlings in a whole new light.
A little vegetable oil and a spin in the dehydrator and I’ve got a potential no spitter in the works. I could create a new taste sensation. Like Thai Basil Seeds the perfect accompaniment to Gai Pad Bai Gaprow. Or how about
Chamomile Tea Seeds - a great bedtime snack. Or maybe even Chocolate Mint Seeds - great with ice cream. A little vegetable oil and a spin in the dehydrator and I’ve got a potential no spitter in the works. With my 20,000 seeds I could hit a full-flavor out-of-theballpark home run in my rookie sunflower season. I see a signing bonus in my future; maybe even a spot in the baseball hall-of-fame. That’s why sunflowers point east. It’s not some scientific reason like heliotropism. It’s because that’s where Cooperstown is. I can see it now; me laying a bouquet of my sunny sunflowers, sans seeds of course, at the feet of The Great Bambino, the Sultan of Swat. Now there’s a happy thought. That’s why I love sunflowers.
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Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. “Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.” Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.” The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?” To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here— how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?” Tony & Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in from the cold and wet and be warmed by their hospitality and humor
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March 2016 positions required only a fifthgrade education, according to an Associated Press dispatch). About 13 million young people enter India’s job market each year.
New World Order
By Chuck Shepherd
Protecting Our Freedoms • The bold, shameless leering of David Zaitzeff is legendary around Seattle’s parks, and more so since he filed a civil complaint against the city in September challenging its anti-voyeurism law for placing a “chilling effect” on his photography of immodestly dressed women in public. Though he has never been charged with a crime, he roams freely (and apparently joyously) around short- skirted and swimsuitclad “gals” while himself often wearing only a thong and bearing a “Free Hugs and Kisses” sign. Zaitzeff’s websites “extol” public nudity, wrote the Seattle PostIntelligencer, and explain, for example, that a woman who angles her “bod” to offer a view of “side boob” is fair game for his camera. Zaitzeff’s complaint —that the law criminalizes photography of a person’s “intimate areas” (clothed or not) without explicit permission—is distressing him.
simply appointed Richardson to the office. Riceville, near the Minnesota border, is a bigtime farming community, and registered voters queried by The Des Moines Register said they just had too much fieldwork to do that day.
Medical Marvels Researchers recently came upon a small community (not named) in the Dominican Republic with an unusual incidence of adolescent boys having spent the first decade or so of their lives as girls because their penises and testes did not appear until puberty. A September BBC News dispatch referred to the boys as “Guevedoces” and credited the community for alerting researchers, who ultimately developed a drug to replace the culprit enzyme whose absence was causing the problem. (The full shot of testosterone that should have been delivered in the mother’s womb was not arriving until puberty.)
Democracy Blues
Leading Economic Indicators
• Randy Richardson, 42, vying unopposed for the Riceville, Iowa, school board (having agreed to run just because he has two kids in school) failed to get any votes at all—as even he was too busy on election day (Sept. 8) to make it to the polls (nor were there any write-ins). To resolve the 0-0 result, the other board members
• The serpentine queue extended for blocks in September in Lucknow, India, after the state government of Uttar Pradesh announced 368 job openings (almost all menial) —eventually resulting in about 2.3 million applications, 200,000 from people with advanced degrees (even though the $240/month
• At a September convention on ethical issues involving computers, a researcher at Britain’s De Montfort University decried the development of devices that might permit human-robot sex. Though no human would be “victimized,” the researcher warned that such machines (some already in service) will exacerbate existing “power imbalances” between men and women and pave the way for more human exploitation. One critic challenged, offering that such robots would be no more demeaning to women than, say, vibrators. However, the researcher ominously warned that there may someday be robots resembling children, marketed for sex. (A September USA Today dispatch from Tokyo reported that the company SoftBank had banned sex, via its user agreement, with its new 4-foot-tall human-like robot—even though “Pepper” features nothing resembling genitalia.) • Thailand’s “Last Resort Rehab” at the Wat Thamkrabok Temple about 100 miles north of Bangkok resembles a traditional drugdetox facility (work, relaxation, meditation)—except for the vomiting. At the “Vomit Temple,” Buddhist priests mix a concoction of 120 herbal ingredients that are nasty, according to the temple’s methamphetamine addicts interviewed for a recent Australian TV documentary. Said one, of the rehab agenda: “Vomiting is at 3 p.m. every day. Foreigners must vomit for the first five days. The vomiting is intense.”
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Finer Points of the Law • People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals filed a federal lawsuit in California in September on behalf of an endangered crested black macaque that wandered up to an unattended camera on a tripod and clicked a selfie. The camera belonged to photographer David Slater, who claimed copyright to the photo even though “Naturo” actually snapped it. The shot might be valuable to Naturo since it has become viral on the Internet. (Though the photo was taken in Indonesia, Slater’s publisher is based in California.) • Jose Banks, now 40, filed a $10 million lawsuit in 2014 against the federal government because jailers at Chicago’s high-rise Metropolitan Correctional Center failed to guard him closely enough in 2012, thus enabling him to think he could escape. He and a cellmate had rappelled 17 floors with bed sheets, but Banks was re-arrested a few days later. Still, he claimed that the escape caused him great trauma, in addition to “humiliation and embarrassment” and “damage to his reputation.” (In September, the U.S. Court of Appeals turned him down. Wrote the judges, “No one has a personal right to be better guarded.”) Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd, distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
Raise your hand if you are 1 percent Irish today.
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March 2016
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LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
By Rosie Sorenson I’m a big fan of scientific knowledge, but there is one thing I would rather not know, namely that on the 19 square feet of skin that covers my body there are roughly 100 billion bacteria living, partying, and reproducing, all without my permission. According to researchers at the National Institute for Health who have been studying the genes of bacteria, “ . . . more than half (of the bacteria) belonged to one of three big groups that made them a cousin either of a bacterium that causes acne, diphtheria, or Staphylococcus aureus, the culprit behind many dangerous antibiotic-resistant infections.” Furthermore, some bacteria prefer living on the forearm, others in the armpit, the nose, etc. They apparently staked out their territories long ago. One can only imagine a scenario in which, like the Crips and the Bloods, they engaged in turf wars. “I want the armpit,” says Diphtheria. “No,” cries, Staph, “I was here first, it’s all mine.” “Well, why do you always get the good parts?”
However this conflict went down, the fact is that for too long they have been occupying my precious epidermis without my permission. You talk about taxation without representation; this is inhabitation without authorization. This is prime real estate, here, and I think it’s high time they pay up.
You talk about taxation without representation; this is inhabitation without authorization. “So, Staph, I hear you wanna build a shack on my forearm. That will cost you $5,000. And, you, Dip-Boy, the nose goes for 15 grand. If you don’t like it, you can go live in the bellybutton like the other low-rent bacteria, but don’t come crying to me that you have no view, OK? You get what you pay for, you know what I mean?” You may consider these prices to be too high, but think about it. These gangs are not going to just stay put, are they? No, they’re gonna mess around and
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try to roust out their neighbors until they win whatever patch of integument they covet. There’s just no living in harmony for these guys. We’re going to need that money for a United Nations of Bacteria to step in and settle these epidermal disputes, and when that fails, and an all-out war has ensued, we’ll have to set up a Truth and Reconciliation Commission to calm things down and start over. We’ll need an Immigration program, too, and identity cards to make sure that foreign bacteria don’t try to muscle in. You know how those Prevotellas and those Rhodoccocci are when they get all worked up. And, what exactly do we get in exchange for all this frenzied activity? We. Don’t. Know. That’s what the NIH is trying to find out, but until they do, the UNB must establish some sort of Geneva Convention because I wouldn’t
put it past the Zimmermanellas to invade the groin under the pretext of looking for “weapons of rash dessication.” They are that kind of nasty. Remember the athlete’s foot you had so bad in third grade that you couldn’t walk? Well, how would you like that all over your you-know-what? I didn’t think so. All of this makes my head spin, leaving me to wonder, “Can’t we all just get along?” Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www. theyhadmeatmeow.com
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March 2016
“I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.” “Oh, really?” “No, O’Reilly!
PHOBIA is excessive fear Mania is unreasonable enthusiasm Zoophobia - Fear of animals. They’re more afraid of you Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness. No wonder the cosmetic business is so profitable Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple. Now that is just plain dumb! Chronomentrophobia - Fear of clocks. Hide under your cover on March 13th Dentophobia - Fear of dentists. Does anyone like these guys? Mageirocophobia - Fear of cooking. Find a recipe, read it, make it Scolionophobia - Fear of school Should have done your homework Aphrodisiomania- Abnormal sexual interest . Spring is in the air Doromania- Obsession with giving gifts. Definitely not my friends Tulipomania- Obsession with tulips. Two lips?
YOU’RE NOT ALONE WE’RE ALL FOOLISH
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9 Things I learned Living 9 months
take a short walk, get on an underground train, and suddenly be downtown Los Angeles eating in top of a sky scraper! If you stay here, stay by this treasure!
By Eugnot Gib
9. Dreams come true.
1. Having a motorcycle makes the city remarkably smaller. Anticipating a nightmare of gridlock spanning across an entirely new and giant city, I did what any radically thinking, overly drastic problem solver would do, I bought a motorcycle. The course was $300. The bike was $1500, and the time and stress I saved was absolutely priceless. Los Angeles is a city of demand, and if you meet that demand within 20 minutes that check is written out payable to your name.
2. Background acting is a thing. The easiest job to get, and the easiest job to do. Imagine Craigslist, but every job offers an opportunity to hang out on some cool production you’ll see on your TV, at the movies or online. I uploaded a headshot (any decent picture of you) to a website called LAcasting.com and almost immediately I was getting paid to sit and clap on the set of Let’s Make a Deal.
3. You are constantly exposed to the best. You have a look. Someone kinda looks like you, does what you do, except they try harder when they wake up and get themselves together. They’re getting the job over you. You want a Ferrari? There goes one now. In a city where everyone enters to realize their dream there is a tremendous energy that may carry and terrify
IN LOS ANGELES
you; it is addicting. Competition is healthy, competition is inspiring.
7. There is no such thing as left hand turns.
4. The FOOD.
You need to make a left here? Hahahaha. Okay it’s going to be a while. If you have a protected green arrow it takes less time, but your left hand turn is going to take some time. There is so much traffic that when you need to take a left, you literally find yourself sitting back in your seat and making yourself comfortable for the next couple minutes. Oh, and forget about parking.
Part of being exposed to the best means enjoying the beauty of your surroundings. While you aren’t rubbernecking your Angelino contemporaries, you get to indulge in the innovative and exciting playing field that is the Los Angeles food scene. Los Angeles is full of delicious secrets. Discover and enjoy.
5. Working in Beverly Hills You tend to hear that people are shallow, fake and selfish but I didn’t expect when working in Beverly Hills 90210 that I would almost literally be asked to kiss someone’s feet. It is expected of you. It doesn’t matter what is right and wrong, what matters is the person with the money gets his way. I’ve literally witnessed more enriching and dignifying work done at Taco Bell.
6. Evil is there. People will hurt you. They will take you and abuse you. They will be like leeches. In ways, I viewed Los Angeles as a modern day Sodom and Gomorra. It is important to have a support system of people who genuinely care for you. I lived there with someone who cared for me and our friendship, paired with common morality, decency and good faith kept us from getting into too much trouble.
8. The Subway is a thing. The Metro! An amazing discovery! You can drink at your apartment,
There is a reason I hung a poster of the Hollywood sign in my room growing up. You can literally wake up with nothing to do all day, then just before you go to bed you see a casting to be a zombie downtown. Suddenly you are growling at a famous rap star and scaring one of the Kardashian girls away. Los Angeles is magic and despite all the crazy, terrible and dangerous things that lurk in that city if you remain focused and work hard you will see your dreams coming true all around you. Eugnot Gib is a writer, stand up comedian, and motorcycle enthusiast and can be seen and remain unseen.
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By Debbie Harris
March 2016
TIME WARP
March is the month when we change the clocks—back to Daylight Savings Time from Daylight Wasting Time. Most people don’t like the loss of an hour but I love having more light in the evening and it reminds me that warmer, longer days are coming. People fuss for a couple of weeks about the time change, determining that cows don’t know that the clocks changed and still need to be milked at the same time no matter what the farmer’s watch says; that Arizona doesn’t change their time; that there are more heart attacks after a time change; and besides, who decided we do this, anyway? But then everyone gets all their clocks changed and settles down until fall when we do it again in the other direction. For people 40 (or so) and over, the time change is an event. That’s the time of year when we realize how many clocks and watches we have. There always seems to
be one that we find a few weeks after the change that we missed changing. There is a clock on my water softener unit that I never change. It’s only right four months of the year.
Some mysterious power takes charge of our devices. For people under 40, changing their clocks is easy. They just watch the satellite mysteriously move the digital numbers on their phone or computer to the absolute correct time for their longitude and latitude. That’s all. It’s eerie. Some mysterious power takes charge of our devices. Once after the plane I was on landed in the Eastern Time zone, I looked at my phone and saw it happen. It was freaky. I’m of the generation where wall clocks are considered useful and maybe even aesthetically
pleasing. I have wall clocks in three rooms of my house, as well as a clock on the oven, one on the microwave (that I keep accurate), and I even have (gasp) an alarm clock. I hang my head in front of the techno-gods in the knowledge that I don’t use my cell phone as an alarm. Where I work there are wall clocks too. They must be oldfashioned. So when I visit my adult children in their places of residence, I get a lot of neck exercise—looking for wall clocks. They don’t have any. And their stove clocks may not be right. I adjust and look at my wrist watch, which they often don’t have either. I feel like I’m in a time warp. I asked my older son one November if he’d like a wall clock for his house for Christmas. No thanks—was the reply. He probably knew that I was really planning that as a gift for myself. I asked how they keep track of time. Cell phones was the answer.
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Whenever they want to know what time it is, they just check their cell phones, which are never more than two feet away from them. As one who doesn’t keep her cell phone adhered to her skin, I remain in the zone of no time when I visit my kids. Maybe that’s ok. Maybe then I won’t be dictated by the time. Or maybe I’ll just get a good neck adjustment. Happy Spring!
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
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Do Canadians Really Exist? by Roger Freed Do Canadians really exist? Yes, that is my question. Is there really such a whimsical folk who believe in such things as mounted police wearing red uniforms and modified cowboy hats, water wells with hand pumps, pancakes made with milk fresh from the cow and wood burning stoves? Or are they, like so many other famous creatures, folks and fairies of legend simply a product of someone’s over-inventive fantasy? As a child growing up in Wisconsin I lived within 200 miles of the alleged border between our two countries and yet never once remember running into one of these purported bipeds. Are they like gnomes, small and hard to see, ghost-like wraiths that can turn invisible at their whim? Or are they like leprechauns that one just happens upon by chance? If so, then one probably has to go all the way to the Klondike for his gold. Genuine, authoritative sightings of Canadians differ as to their descriptions. Some report them to be extremely grizzled from head to foot like an abominable snowman, only twice as abominable. Others say they are chunky and squat, much like Santa’s elves or Rosie O’Donnell. Just like the Santa myth, there is an entire folklore to support the belief in their existence. Canadians, like Santa, are supposed to inhabit a land of ice and snow and to have reindeer. Supposedly they survive by eating lichens and cold fish covered with maple syrup. Certain commercial companies have used this mythology to increase the mystique of their products, for example Canada Dry Tonic Water, Canadian bacon and, of course, Canadian maple syrup.
The question we must ask ourselves concerning the Canadian legend is, “Is it a safe or harmful illusion to believe in?” The second question is, “Is there any way we can make some money off of this?” Is the legend perhaps another attempt by government to pull the wool over our eyes like they did when they got us to believe that Iraq had WMDs, or that Saudi Arabia is an ally of ours or that Ronald Reagan was a great president? Or is it simply a harmless fairy tale about a land where men can wear ear-flap hats and not be considered doofs; where mothers still tuck their children in at night under self-made patchwork quilts extra thick with goose feathers after having told them a fairy tale about giant lumberjacks, where the houses are made of long planks cut down and hued by the owner himself. It is a dream land where bear meat and whale blubber make up the majority of the diet thus saving countless acres of tropical rain forest in other, more exotic parts of the world from certain destruction. It is a place where the rivers run free and wilderness still stretches undiminished in every compass direction but stops abruptly at the US border. The thought of such a country which has a simple maple leaf as its emblem instead of lions and swords and stripes and bars and other such fancy nonsense appeals to the simple in us. We perhaps need our delusions that such a place as Canada exists just as children need fairy tales and teddy bears to cling to. It is something familiar and friendly in a world that can be cold and fearsome.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
Yum Yum the Snail It devours my flowers And slimes my limes But its sins do not matter When served on a platter With garlic and butter And bread sourdough For the snail once so low Becomes “haute escargot.” Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
“Nothing will work unless you do.” - Maya Angelou My friend asked me in which period I would have liked to live. I said there is no better time than right now! I mean it! (The exclamation point represents obviousness.) I read about history occasionally. Things were not looking up for our gender back in the day, and depending on the country women are living in, or if your live in Westeros, things are not looking up right now. Even Khaleesi started out as a slave. Our gender (especially on this side of the world) has overcome challenges (Google it). We got a voice when we entered the voting tolls, then we were able to get jobs, own properties, serve in the military and go on maternity leave, just to mention a few. Nevertheless, there is more: the shoes on my feet, I bought them, much like Beyoncé; I too, depend on me. Plot twist: Beyoncé is married to a successful rapper, and well,
I am married to a successful man. However, we are together because we lift each other up (I’m sure Beyoncé can relate). I did not marry him so I could mooch off him. He supports me and I support him. We are not in competition with each other. We bring our different ideas together, make a plan and we work it. Crazy concept, I know. With all the progress we have made as a gender; scratch goes the virtual record of our life; for some women it is like a Civil War. The competition can be less than healthy. Beyoncé is all about empowering women, but we must not forget that with power comes responsibility and jealousy from our female peers. I call that the Betta Effect. Betta fish are nice and easygoing beautiful aquatic little creatures, but there can only be one in a fish tank, for they will fight each other to the death. Sound familiar? For women it does not matter if both work as cashiers at a fast food restaurant or both are well-paid professionals working in a fancy building downtown. The claws
How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover? Because they are hard to find and lucky to have.
come out and you had better seek shelter. Hiss! Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman. It should not be like that, ever. We should be focusing that energy to empower and lift each other, not bringing each other down.
Because progress is not a light switch, change will not occur instantly Through valuable lessons, I have learned not to make the same mistakes. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. To be clear; it don’t work that way, booboo! I would like to encourage you to leave your ego behind and set your personal feelings aside. It is not easy, but not an impossible task. Next time a battle breaks out, remain calm, gather your
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thoughts and do not engage in a pointless fight, do not return fire. Shake it off and move on. They truly hate to see you smile after they tried to bring you down. Because progress is not a light switch, change will not occur instantly, but gradually and perhaps slowly for some, but it will happen. Just remain constant, success has many trying stages before we make it.
If you’re lucky enough to be Irish... you’re lucky enough!
We could not, would not miss a celebration for Dr. Seuss Answers on pg 24
Cat Hat Green Eggs Ham Grinch Stole Christmas Lorax Horton Hears Who Fox Socks Yertle Turtle Butter Battle Mulberry Street
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FOOL
CURB
1) What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company? 2) Why don’t they sell hotdogs at McDonald’s? 3) Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Valentino 1) Smoke Break 2) They’re too healthy 3) Yes
Pedro 1) They probably call it Tea Time 2) They haven’t come up with some weird
horsemeat for it 3) Maybe they throw hotdogs. That’s why there aren’t any at McDonald’s
Celebrating 22 Years of Keeping Families Safe on the Road
Sarita 1) Non-existing 2) They don’t fit in their buns
Wonton wrappers? Throwing hamburgers would be disgusting! 3) Maybe throw French fries
Calila 1) A waste of time 2) Because kangaroo meat doesn’t
fit in the casing 3) Yes!
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We honor Seniors and Military
Ernesto 1) Tea break 2) Too American 3) I’ve never been to an Asian wedding. That’s a tricky question. They throw beans
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The Night the Heavens Went Berserk
March 2016
By Ted Gargiulo
On a Wednesday evening in September 2000, as I was leaving work, the skies over Monterey County blew up. While most citizens were tucked safely away for the night, I had the rare, if dubious, privilege of driving home from Salinas during one of the most spectacular electrical storms ever to strike the Central Coast. Watching it from your yard or window, you might have found the light show entertaining. Not so if you were traveling along Blanco or Reservation Road around midnight, surrounded by nothing but open space. I can assure you, the effect was anything but “entertaining.” Lightning seemed to strike from every direction at once, snaking and ripping across the sky. Talons of fire scorched the horizon, illuminating the fields like it was the middle of the day. I felt like a wiener trying to negotiate with a flaming grill. Never in 41 years of living back East, where lightning storms are more common than they are here, had I witnessed so terrifying a display. I kept shielding my eyes and looking away, yet I had to force them back open in order to drive. Less than halfway home, the normally dry September sky began pelting me with rain and hail. This was NOT supposed to be happening, not in this tame, uneventful corner of the globe. Would the lightening spare my house? Would our cozy little community of Pacific Grove, where we lived at the time, be ablaze by morning? No one could possibly predict such things, not then, not now. Storms don’t reason. They feel no pity. They care not a hoot for our
wealth or politics. They can’t be bribed or reprogrammed to strike elsewhere. There isn’t a development or organization large enough to scare one off, or cajole one into playing favorites. Days, even weeks after the event, wildfires ignited by those lightning strikes were still raging out of control in Tassajara and Big Sur. Who could say where the devastation would end? Or that the lightning couldn’t as easily have struck closer to one’s home? Rather sobering, isn’t it, to realize how vulnerable we all are!
I felt like a wiener trying to negotiate with a flaming grill. If cataclysms, fits of nature such as these, could, by any stretch of our finite imaginations, serve a greater good, it may be because they restore a healthy sense of proportion to our lives. All the petty cares and conceits that cast such large shadows across our landscape are suddenly reduced to their proper size. So,
too, the giants and bogeymen that troubled our dreams must now themselves cower in terror. It is the very specter of annihilation that forces us to love life more deeply, treasure whatever serenity is granted us, and appreciate the good fortune we might otherwise take for granted. That tempest 15 years ago made me realize, yet again, that there is nothing in nature, however freakish or unseasonable, that cannot touch us; nothing we own that cannot be scorched, flooded, toppled, buried or swept into oblivion. Blessed are those of us who, by God’s grace, have been spared this great and terrible lesson in perspective—who can profit from it without having to learn it through personal calamity. Happy is the man who counts his blessings in the present tense. I believe that’s truer today than ever before.
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What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I’ll hang around! Where does bad light go? PRISM! What did one plate say to the other? Dinner’s on me Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid Where do pencils go on vacation? Pennsylvania What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton. What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips) What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet! What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam! What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball? Between you and me something smells.
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AMERICAN CULTURE
January 2014
FUNNY BONES
Spread Overseas
by Rex Keyes If you are a traveler, what I am going to tell you now happened in 1970, but the philosophy of traveling and what the world doesn’t understand about foreign countries unless you visit them and find out the truth is very different from what you read in the newspapers and hear on TV. It was 1970, and having been given an honorable discharge from the Army in Europe a buddy of mine and I decided to travel Europe and go overland to India in a Volkswagen camper. I am only going to give you one strange part of our travels because to tell you the whole story, I would need to write a book. We decided to drive down the coast of what was then a country called Yugoslavia to visit, and be a tourist in the beautiful city called Dubrovnik. The coast of Yugoslavia is along the Adriatic Sea. The Adriatic Sea is one of the most beautiful seas with crystal clear blue water. Well, after we saw all the sights in Dubrovnik we drove further south and took a narrow
two lane dirt road that goes over the coastal mountains eastward toward Bulgaria and Turkey.
It was a movie poster of a John Wayne western plastered on the outside wall of a small movie theater. Once we passed the coastal range, in the evening we came across a small village in the middle of nowhere. What we saw as we drove into the village was a shock. It was a movie poster of a John Wayne western plastered on the outside wall of a small movie theater. Why would Yugoslavia, a communist nation, allow a US movie? Well, Tito, the reigning dictator, did not kowtow to Russia. While it was a communist nation it was not part of the Soviet Bloc. It actually was a communist,
“I’d like some nails,” Mick requested of the travelling tinker. “How long would you like them?” asked the man. “Forever, if that’s all right with you,” said Mick.
JOKES
SUBMITTED
BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
My dentist said to me, “I have good news and bad news for you.” I asked what the bad news was. He replied, “You need a root canal.” “What’s the good news?” “I birdied two holes yesterday” Happiness is listening to your dentist promise that it won’t hurt, then watching him stick himself with a drill
capitalistic society mix because there were hotels all up and down the Adriatic to accommodate a lot of Italian and other European tourists. That country was money hungry. So I parked the VW bus just outside their City Hall and found out they were having a special event that evening. The City Hall had tables set up for free food and entertainment and when the locals found out during the event that we were Americans, they provided us with so much food we were stuffed and could hardly move. The locals were very friendly. The following day we were going to leave this little enclave of a town. I had previously picked up two hitchhikers on our trip and each spoke five different languages. I had picked them up to help us along our trip. I asked them to translate to the locals our thanks for their generosity at the event. I also mentioned I
would like to leave a little bit of Americana as a gift for the village. I mentioned that all I had was a Playboy magazine and had they heard of it. Of course, all the men had heard of it, but had never seen one. They would be more than happy to accept it. So just before we left, I stood in the City Hall courtyard holding open a Playboy Magazine with 10 Yugoslavian males standing next to me looking at the magazine as I handed it over to the mayor. I even have a picture of the ceremony. To this day, I hope it is still in their archives. Ah yes, it is great to represent American culture overseas!
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QUOTE … Unquote! You’re never too old, too wacky, to wild, to pick up a book and read to a child. — Dr. Seuss Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Grouch Marx I can read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whichever end I like best. — Gracie Allen I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. — Steven Wright Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. — Clarence Darrow The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. — Jerry Seinfield Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. — PJ O’Rourke The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who’ll get me a book I ain’t read. — Abraham Lincoln I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander. — Isaac Asimov There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them. — Ray Bradbury I don’t believe in the kind of magic in my books. But I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a book. — JK Rowling I spend a lot of time reading. — Bill Gates
• You’re not nearly as jealous or well-armed as my last boyfriend. • I hope you’re not too picky about bowel control. • My goal in life? Child support and alimony. • I forgot to shave. • I thought you were gay. • Don’t tell my husband we went out.
• Would you wear a furry costume tonight? • I’ll be right back, I have to call my probation officer before 10pm. • My hobby is nagging. Do you have a problem with that? • What’s your name again?
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Foolish Search Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not. :A shure I’ll give it a go,” he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened. “What do you think you are doing?” asked the policeman in a sharp tone. “Sure I’m having me tea break,” replied Paddy. “And what do you work at?” asked the policeman. “Agh shure I deliver bridges!” smiled Paddy!
Answers from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
HANDYMAN Bob
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
MAID SERVICE Lily’s House Cleaning
Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates
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DONATE YOUR CAR Of the Peace Foundation
Running or not, we recondition vehicles & GIVE them to local veterans and their families. A vet will p/u your vehicle. 501c3 non-profit 831.324.5051 thepeacevet.org CERAMICS
ESSENTIAL OILS Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life Class dates: 3.24.16 RSVP 831.747.2192 mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#
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KNOCK OFF it
Knock, knock Who’s There? Ashe Ashe who? Bless you!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Nobel Nobel who? No bell, that’s why I knocked! Knock, knock Who’s there? Leaf Leaf who? Leaf me alone! Knock, knock Who’s There? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in and you’ll find out! Knock, knock Who’s there? Aaron Aaron who? Why Aaron you opening the door? Knock, knock Who’s There? Tank Tank Who? You’re welcome! Knock, knock Who’s there? Hawaii Hawaii who? I’m fine, Hawaii you? Knock, knock Who’s there? Gray Z
Gray Z who? Gray Z mixed up kid.
Knock, knock Who’s There? Who Who Who? Is there an owl in there? Knock, knock Who’s There? Anita Anita who? Anita to borrow a pencil. Knock, knock Who’s There? Woo Woo who? Don’t get so excited, it’s just a joke. Knock, knock Who’s There? Figs Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken! Knock, knock Who’s there? Alice Alice who? Alice fair in love and war. Knock, knock Who’s There? Annie Annie Who? Annie thing you can do, I can do better. Knock, knock Who’s there? Yukon Yukon who? Yukon say that again!
Knock, knock Who’s There? Theodore Theodore who? Theodore is stuck and it won’t open!
March 2016 Who’s there? Doris! Doris who? Doris locked, that’s why I knocked. Knock Knock Who’s there? Avenue! Avenue who? Avenue heard this joke before. Knock Knock Who’s there? Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come over and play.
Knock, knock Who’s there? Cher. Cher who? Cher would be nice if you opened the door!
Knock knock Who’s there? Little old lady? Little old lady who? Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock, knock Who’s There? Amos Amos who? A mosquito bit me!
Knock knock Who’s there? Water? Water who? Water way to answer the door!
Knock, knock Who’s There? Police Police Who? Police let us in, it’s cold out here!
Knock knock Who’s there? Leaf? Leaf who? Leaf me alone!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Amarillo Amarillo who? Amarillo nice guy.
Knock knock Who’s there? Cargo! Cargo who? Car go “Beep beep”
Knock Knock Who’s there? Abby! Abby who? Abby birthday to you.
Knock knock Who’s there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to keep telling silly jokes.
Knock Knock Who’s there? Tarzan! Tarzan who? Tarzan stripes forever. Knock Knock
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Knock knock Who’s there? Irish! Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day.
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March 3
March 13
If Pets Had Thumbs Day One thing that sets man apart from many other species is an opposable thumb. It allows us to do many things that other creatures can’t do. Image what your pet could do for you if it had thumbs.
March 4-6
Jazz by the Bay
36th edition of bringing world class Dixieland, ragtime and swing to us to move, shake and shimmy. www.jazzbashmonterey.com
March 5
96 Hours Over Monterey
A one of a kind photo and video exhibit featuring Chuck Fazio documenting the stunning destination in just 96 hours all while teaching local students tips to capture the perfect shot of nature. Wave Street Studios
March 15
An Evening with Jeff Bridges
The guy who made a White Russian a popular drink any time of day comes to town to play America music along with engaging conversation. He’s THAT Lebowski! www.goldenstatetheatre.com
Daylight Savings Time
March 8
International Working Women’s Day
The focus is upon women workers, and advancing women’s rights in the workforce, politics and society. You go girl!
March 19-20
Yesterday’s Treasures
If you have an old fashion clock to manually turn ahead, work it! Otherwise it will be done automatically on all your devices.
The older we get, the more we go looking to find that perfect thing missing from our life. Monterey County Fairgrounds
March 15
March 26
Dumbstruck Day
Some people are dumbstruck on a regular basis. The events in their lives and the world around them are overwhelming. Fortunately, that’s not you (we hope).
Golden Egg Hunt
Have you seen the price of eggs these days? Make your kids useful for a day of finding 18,000 eggs. Crafts , bounce houses, petting zoo and the famous bunny that comes around this time of year. www.ci.seaside.ca.us
March 12-13
S.V. Rock and Gem Show
Award-winning displays of gems, crystals, jewelry and fossils salinasvalleyrockandgem.com
March 12
Noiche Flamenca
Featuriung Soledad Barrio Deeply emotional performances. Barrio has won awards in 12 counties for her excellence in dance. Recognized as the most authentic flamenco touring company today. csumb.edu.worldtheater
March 12
Barn Today, Gone Tomorrow
They‘re tearing down the swine and sheep barns but not before a night of dinner, drinks and dancing. Bring your own date, swine and sheep are not attending. montereycountyfair.com
March 17
St Patrick’s Day
Did he really drive the snakes out of Ireland? Probably not. Did he drink green beer? Absolutely not!
March 17
Salute to Veterans
The Army’s Jazz Ambassadors take the stage for a free event with an array of music for all ages. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
March 17
Edible Memories
Author Jennifer Jordan examines the ways that people around the world have sought and identify and preserve both these stories and the old-fashioned varieties of produce that contain them. www.pglibraryfriends.org
March 27
Happy Easter March 29
National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day They spend countless hours nurturing and growing their business while providing stellar and personal service. When you call, you are more likely to get a real person. What a concept! Support our advertisers.
March 31-April 3
P.B. Food and Wine
250 wineries and 75 celebrity chefs star in this premier epicurean lifestyle event. www.pbfw.com
March 2016
www.foolishtimes.net
A
RESALE
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
B
Yellow Brick Road
C
Second Chance
D
Branches Resale Shoppe
E
THE
SPCA Benefit Shop
TRAIL
26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
C D B
A
E
FEATURED SHOP Second Chance Thrift Store provides job training and life skills to participants in The Bridge Restoration Ministry yearlong residential program. In addition to job training Second Chance also financially benefits The Bridge.
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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038