September 2016
SCHOOL TAUGHT ME TO MULTI-TASK
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September 2016
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool...............................Karen S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks Did you know that there are 144,000 cab drivers in New York City who hail from 167 countries? Let’s put this in perspective for those of us who live under overcast skies for most of the day. There were 200 countries represented in Rio for the Olympics and if everyone who lives in Monterey, Marina, Seaside, Sand City and Moss Landing were to go to work driving a cab, it would only equal about half of the hacks who line up for miles on the streets of New York. If you have plans to visit this great metropolitan area, be sure to take the subways to get around; much easier. With a new law that just passed, cab drivers are no longer required to speak English. Crazy to think that a command of the English language is not considered a requirement for a job that involves communication with passengers and reading street signs. Looks like New York is following the example of the drive through lane at fast food restaurants. Back here on the left coast, our county was brimming with visitors for car week, a huge wine festival in City Center Salinas and other spectacular events. All this and yet I was able to enjoy some of my best driving in a long time. My commute to a golf course was unimpeded and very relaxing. My drives were also long and straight off the tees; also the best in a long time.
I made a last minute decision to leave work early because I was not having a great day. Comedy can be hard, and no one in my office was laughing at the new material I was trying out. Maybe it was them who were having the bad day. Anyway, going on a golf course alone is not all that bad. By the fourth hole I was joined by my good friend, beer. Beer is always good to me although it definitely changed the dynamic of how I played. Beer gave me fits with my short game and was teasing me because my putts were all pulling to the left. Beer is such a kidder, speaks my language and always finds me amusing.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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September 2016
www.foolishtimes.net A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my goodness! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the heck out of here.” ***
A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him. She comes over and says hi to him. He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks here “Do you know me?” She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only
time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from that bachelor party?” She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.” *** My girlfriend left a note on the fridge. It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
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I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the heck did she mean? *** I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door … the dishes are piled up and waiting for her. *** My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m so handsome and too many other girls want me. She also said something about chronic lying disorder but I wasn’t really listening. ***
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is. “Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name—leave it to me.” Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!” Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”
It’s been on the news that there’s been a guy, illegally squashing pumpkins around town, but even if you don’t own a pumpkin patch, never let your gourd down!
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September 2016
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean themed decore. Organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience to organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS
ITALIAN
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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September 2016
Blue-tooth A blonde went to the dentist.“I want you to paint my teeth blue.” “What!?” exclaimed the dentist. “Just do it!!” said the blonde. So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her. “Mam, you were talking on your mobile phone while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.” “Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”
Ice Fishing There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win —they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde came running back. “A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!”
Chickens A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, “What do you have in the bag?’’ The blonde replies: “I have chickens!’
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The man thinks for a moment and says, “If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?’’ The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, “Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you both of them!”
Seagull Poop A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill, I’ll go get some toilet paper.” After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”
Pyramid of 100 Steps There were three girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said, “This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. But be warned, every five steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.” So the brunette gets to the
fifth step and laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the twentieth step and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the ninety-ninth step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said, “Why did you laugh, I didn’t tell the joke yet?” Then the blonde said, “I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke!”
Going Up? A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
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September 2016
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram 5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your rap has tapped you right into the clink! You started out with a bang this year and recently slipped into a selforiented paradiddle. “Sharing” was introduced in your childhood years, remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You have befriended all of your possessions, but one...your plumpy heart. Should we call the paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the first to respond to your own vital center and the defense will rest in your favor. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins GEMS steal the limelight. Imposing your lofty point of view can be enticing for some like murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back where you have to look low and away, but always watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with what you are better acquainted with for now may prove to be a big hitter on it’s own. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted countryside. The flowers wilting and spilling into a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the ghost, this property is condemned. Your snappers have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4. Let it roll down like silk
stockings. Then open to the view of YES. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a 1000 votives? Declare self-defense where foul play is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned. They have been sited stepping past the mote and flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front, they’ll know who rules. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer. He did not dissect the facts before creating his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty”. Yet, you want this inmotion picture life to be black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it is all about parsnips and onions with you. Your cry is “I can’t do it alone!” Yet watch the Lilies brush the sky and notice their six degrees of separation from their neighbors. Take the stand but don’t be a weed.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are entitled, for many a good reason SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor: A splendiferous regeneration, a make-over of the soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand and you’ll rake in the chips. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Nowadays a sob story will get FaceBook time sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your ass off the amateur bench and find a real life adventure, explore distant planets, discover new ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the facebook leaches try to reach your purified psyche, steer clear of any incriminating on-line entries by declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your juice for A LOT
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By Bini of a little bit of good again. In a beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken? Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Hopes, dreams, and wishes. Goody, gooey, drippy & blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be sensational. With a partner in crime you can paint the town! Start with the old barn, I hear it needs a new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by this generosity. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that nowadays for you coming alive happens only after dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off! Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz, because the piano keys are hot and your watery cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck. Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.
What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by pi? It varies depending on the size of the jacko-lantern! You thought the answer was pumpkin pi, didn’t you?
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September 2016
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HAWAII 5.0,
Virtual Girlfriend Program by Robyn Justo Ok, so I am admittedly not the most graceful dancer in the troupe. Mom used to tell me that when I got off the bus from grade school, my legs were covered with Band-Aids. The other night I took a fall on the lava rock outside of my place. My shoe caught the lip of the concrete and I could feel myself falling and there was nothing I could do about it. Kind of like love, you know? Maybe it wasn’t due to clumsiness. Might have been due to the two carafes of Happy Hour mojitos with the Jameson chaser, but needless to say I fell hard and had the imprint of the sharp rocks on both arms and bruises everywhere to prove it. I was able to save my face though (which is always good in love, too.) As I wiped myself down with hydrogen peroxide and alcohol, not the mojito kind this time, my little mind began to wander. After five years of a break from dating (and even writing about dating), here I was again. I was in love and in-fatuated, but I was in doubt.
Sometimes a fantasy is much better than reality. I had my eye on a guy for over two years and when he finally became “available,” he headed my way. Oh how I dreamed of how it would be with us.
Yep, in love and in doubt, no doubt. But I ain’t no holodeck girl! Things started off passionately just the way that I had imagined with him telling me that he had waited 20 years for someone like me, and yet I found it strange that soon I was being called and texted multiple times a day with words of love and affection when I rarely saw the guy. Hence the real meaning of sweet nothings. But I felt that I had to play it out. He told me that he was adjusting his life in order to spend more time with me and shared all of his plans about what we would do (but never did.) He said I should be patient. I reminded
The research assistant couldn’t experiment with plants because he hadn’t botany
him (and myself) that we were both 62. Patience is overrated at our age. One day a friend commented that it sounded like he wanted a relationship without the relationship. Oh my God, I was a virtual girlfriend. It was all in his head just like my fantasy of him had been all in MY head! It was the idea of us. Damn. His words began to feel like the Band-Aids I used to wear on my knees. They were quickly losing their adhesive. I wanted the kind of relationship that the birds here on Maui have. When one is killed
on the highway, the other one lingers longingly, even if it means becoming mutual roadkill. Ok, maybe that is a bit too dramatic, but you get the idea. I wanted up-close-andpersonal after two years of waiting to boot this thing up. Dinners, walks on the beach, sensual conversations. Was there a mistake in the code? Did I dream it wrong? Yep, in love and in doubt, no doubt. But I ain’t no holodeck girl!
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Two guys go on a fishing trip to Monterey. They spend a fortune on equipment and boat rental. The first day they go out in the ocean but they don’t catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home, one guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?” The other guy says, “It’s a good thing we didn’t catch anymore!” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their hospitality and humor.
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September 2016
building I found nirvana. The canned food display. Hundreds of jars filled with the best a summer garden has to offer. Jams and pickles ruled the day, but tucked in between were the best efforts of applesauce, sauerkraut, tomato juice and fruit butter — not fried, but still looking delicious — makers.
By Lily Brun
My Fair Share I took a step away from my garden last month and headed to the Minnesota State Fair for a bucket list moment … how much fried food-on-a-stick could my guy and I eat? Turns out we managed to eat 25 different foods in 12 hours. We started the day with fried cheese curds and ended with deep fried pickles — in between we snacked on fried … peanut butter cups, tomatoes, corn fritters, a twinkie, bacon, baklava, donuts, cheese … and that was just in the morning. Any state fair is a smorgasbord, but not just of food. What really draws me to the fair is the reason state fairs began. Agriculture. Farming. Livestock. A celebration of the rural life. As a gardener, I want to see the 14 rows of dried corn cobs showcased in the seed exhibit. It means something to me that 700,000 bushels of corn are grown in Anoka County, where the fair is every year; that 100 bushels of corn produces approximately 7,280,000 kernels. It’s these kind of facts and figures that keep people coming back each year. That and the deep fried grilled cheese sandwich bites. There are fragrant and aromatic livestock barns filled with cows and pigs and horses. One entire barn is devoted to chickens, geese, turkeys, ducks, pigeons, pea hens and rabbits. An
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utter bonding of coop animals. Each animal has its own 4-H’er who’s hoping to win the blueribbon-best-of-show prize. Camping out in the stall seems to be part of the process. Not sure why they have to wear white pants. That seems to be a real walk on the wild side choice. The barns were full of nose-holding gawkers drawn to the fair for this tip toe through the sawdust moment.
apparently many have butter parties! Talk about knowing which side your bread is buttered on. The dairy industry is brilliant! If only I could butter up a princess and get invited to her butter party. That would bring me back.
My heart swelled in harmony with my fellow canners. At least I think that’s why. It could, of course, have been the deep fried rueben sandwich I had just eaten.
That and the deep fried cheese stick. In a corner of the Creative Activities (aka Home Economics)
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And the deep fried baklava.
The barns were full of nose-holding gawkers drawn to the fair for this tip toe through the sawdust moment. The Great Minnesota Gettogether, as it’s called, was named by USA Today in 2015 as the best state fair in the U.S. I discovered the secret to its success — the Princess Kay of the Milky Way butter sculpture. I stood rooted to a spot outside a glass-walled refrigerated room and watched a woman turn a 90-pound block of Grade A butter into a life-like effigy of the reigning Princess Kay as she sat bundled up in clothes fitting for the worst of a Minnesota winter. Each of the 11 in her butter court get their own butter head. The best part? They get to take them home, where
MAKE ME Fresh from the Garden and the Sea INGREDIENTS • 2 (6-ounce) snapper fillets • 1 cup halved cherry tomatoes • 1 cup diced zucchini • 4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil • 1/2 teaspoon salt • 1/2 teaspoon pepper • 2 tablespoons white wine
• 1 1/2 tablespoons minced shallots • 1 teaspoon chopped fresh oregano • 1 teaspoon grated lemon rind • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil • 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
INSTRUCTIONS 1. Heat nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. 2. Add 1 teaspoon oil 3. Sprinkle 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper over fish. Add fish to pan. 4. Cook 3 minutes on each side, remove. 5. Add wine. Cook until liquid almost evaporates. 6. Add zucchini, shallots, oregano, lemon rind, 1 teaspoon oil, and 1/8 teaspoon salt. 7. Sauté until zucchini is tender. 8. Combine zucchini mixture, tomato, basil, lemon juice; remaining salt and oil and toss gently. Serve over fish.
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September 2016
Oh, RATS!
By Rosie Sorenson Just when you think you know a few things for sure, along comes some research to upend your heretofore unexamined assumptions. I doubt I’m alone in thinking that rats (the rodent kind, not the Wall Street kind nor the political kind) are pests and potential carriers of disease who should be, if not eradicated, then moved into the woods and away from my house. Exceptions to this rule, however, might be the sweet, cuddly white rats. In fact, my only positive experience with rats was in high school when I kept a pair of white ones, Socrates and Myrtle, in the biology lab,
not because I was interested in rodents, but because they gave me an excuse to be close to my biology teacher, Jerry Tammen. Fresh out of college, tall and skinny with a blonde flat-top, dreamy blue eyes, cute turnedup nose, a baby blue Triumph convertible . . . Oh, I can hardly breathe, even now, just thinking about him. Socrates and Myrtle were docile and loveable, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to have discovered that they’d had an inner life. Your basic gray rat, on the other hand? Probably not. But, wait—just as I say that I realize what a prejudiced, or ratist statement that is.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 24
www.foolishtimes.net Thanks to some astonishing research from the University of Chicago, I’m compelled to look at rats, the gray kind, in a new light. According to an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, the researchers “ . . . sought to find out whether a rat would release a fellow rat from an unpleasantly restrictive cage if it could . . . (It turned out that) the free rat, often hearing distress calls from its compatriot, learned to open the cage and did so with greater efficiency over time . . . (And), astonishingly, if given access to a small hoard of chocolate chips, the free rat would usually save at least one treat for the captive, which is a lot to expect of a rat.” The researchers came to the unavoidable conclusion that what they were seeing was empathy . . .” Empathy?! In rats?! Well, if that don’t beat all! For sure, I can see myself freeing another human from a cage; that’s a no-brainer. But, share my chocolate chips? I’d have to think twice about that.
But, share my chocolate chips? I’d have to think twice about that. There are only two conclusions to be drawn from this research Either these researchers have too much money and too much time on their hands, or we need to set up a new AmeriCorps and enlist an army of rats to teach courses on empathy to Wall Street bankers and politicians. Rats have amply demonstrated their capacity in this area. You never know what additional skills they might possess— perhaps a knack for teaching. Lord knows, we gotta do something to instill new values into those suits. How’s this for a plan? After well-deserved beatings and public shamings, we could send the bankers and politicians off to re-
programming sessions led by rats. Can’t you just picture a class full of pin-stripes being herded into a classroom at the head of which stands Dr. Roger Rat? “Welcome, gentlem . . . er, people,” says Roger. “Please, take a seat so we can begin.” “A rat?” cries the representative of Citi-Bank. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” “Shut up, Jack,” says the Politician. “You’re going to get us all in trouble.” “Just because you guys screwed the pooch, I don’t see why the rest of us should be punished,” moans the investment banker from Goldman Sachs. “People! People!” shouts Roger, clapping his tiny paws. “Shut up! You’re here to listen. You’re here to learn!” After putting the group through the same exercises described in the research, the results were less than encouraging. Only 20% of the bankers and politicians opened the cage door for a captive inside. No one saved the chocolate chips for him. Eighty percent walked away when they heard the captive cry for help They were overheard mumbling, “Not my responsibility,” or “They knew what they were getting into,” or “Screw ‘em. I got mine.” Conclusions to be drawn from this research? So many rat-bankers, so many politicos, so little time! Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com
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September 2016
on the
FOOL
CURB
1) If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? 2) Why is abbreviated such a long word? 3) If the #2 pencil is still the most popular, why is it still #2?
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Wes
1) Fail to succeed, work hard 2) I don’t know. I don’t spell very well anyway 3) Because it always has an eraser on it
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Gabriel
1) I fail first and succeed later. It’s an opportunity 2) ABBA ABBA, the rock and roll group 3) Because we use pens
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1) I have failed and succeed many times. I’ve never tried to fail 2) Its not. It’s appr. That’s it 3) What would the first be? Because people just feel it’s better than number one
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Karen
1) Succeeded 2) I got nothing. To tire me out 3) Because I’m still waiting to hear from the number one. Was there ever a number one pencil?
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Jim
1) I succeeded in failing 2) Because you can’t abbreviate it 3) I think you would have to ask Avis, they are number two because they try harder What happened to number one Is there a number three?
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Fashion is NOT My Friend By Debbie Harris In January of this year, I found out I was going to be a motherin-law for the second and final time. Aside from trying to get to know my daughter-in-law to be and acclimating myself to seeing my son in a different role, I had to go shopping for an outfit for the wedding. Oh goody. The women’s fashion industry and I just don’t get along. First of all, they don’t think any female should have a body shaped like mine. I’m short, stocky, and “curvy”—kind of a lady wrestler with a little less muscle. According to clothing manufacturers, I should never have been born—or maybe I should go on a stretching rack to pull myself into fitting into off-the-rack. I certainly wouldn’t mind being able to reach the items on the upper shelves in my kitchen, but, alas, nature had other ideas.
I looked at any nearby shoes, even secondhand stores and boutiques whose shoes are a PG&E payment. Aside from the clothes not fitting me well, I don’t like where the fashion industry has taken styles. It’s not a stupid industry. In recent years, I presume in an effort to look more flowing and wind-blown, the fabrics have gotten thinner, to the point of shear and see-through. Anyone who isn’t an exhibitionist will need to buy a tank or camisole
for underneath. Voila! They just sold two tops when one used to be sufficient. Ka-ching! Last year when I was at a boutique in the mall, I witnessed a woman come out of the fitting room looking for her friend to get a second opinion on the blouse she had on. She wandered the store calling out for her friend in a top that allowed everyone to see what color her bra was and where the seams were placed. She wouldn’t need a pat-down in an airport. For modesty’s sake I wanted to escort her back to the fitting room. For my son’s wedding, I lucked out and found a pretty and tasteful mother-of-the-groom
dress easily—and the fabric was thick enough to keep me from being the hoochie-mama of the groom. Then I had to find the hardest part of the outfit, the shoes. As it is, I don’t have a typical woman’s taste in shoes. I’ve found myself walking into a shoe store admiring shoes in the men’s section or the girl’s section, but when I get to the women’s section, I search and search for something appealing and maybe find one shoe. So before I started looking, I told myself I would have to think differently—like someone who cares about fashion, who wants to be fancy. I looked online first,
Highlights of My Summer Vacation • Visited a gift shop on the wharf and ask for my gift • Vacuumed the lawn • Went to McDonald’s and ask for a sad meal • Walked my stuffed animal tons of times
• Went to a grocery store and drew faces on the bananas and watermelons • Followed strangers around the Macy’s and laughed hysterically every time they touched anything
finding the color I wanted but not the style. Everywhere I went, I looked at any nearby shoes, even secondhand stores and boutiques whose shoes are a PG&E payment. I spent some time in a shoe store in Northridge Mall that made me wince just browsing. I think it had a one word name. Maybe it was “Ouch!” or “Masochist.” Or maybe it was a phrase like “Broken Arches,” “Podiatrists’ Dream,” or “Pains я Us.” Putting myself in “think Bling” mode, I finally found some fancy sandals online. They passed muster with those who care about fashion, so I knew I was ok. With a lot of effort, I made myself presentable for the big occasion and lived to tell about it. I’m hoping it will be a long time before I have to venture into the jungle of women’s fashion again or dare I hope that someday it will become my friend?
When the Nomadic tree senses danger it packs up its trunk and leaves.
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Compelling Explanations The Latest in Corruption News: • Italy’s highest court freed a man in January because the bribe he offered a cop to avoid a DUI ticket was “too small” to be serious — 100 euros (about $108).
By Chuck Shepherd
Frontiers of Fashion
Canonical Marijuana
Even though concealed-carry gun permit-holders in Texas can now “open carry,” pistol-packing women concerned with fashion are not limited to traditional firearms in ordinary cowboy holsters. An online company, The Well Armed Woman, offers such carry options as stylish leggings, lace waistbands and an array of underarm and bra holsters (even an in-cup model, the “Marilyn”) in leopard-print and pastel colors. However, a woman’s body shape and size may be more important shopping considerations, according to the company’s founder. “A 32A bust could not conceal a Glock 19 very well -- nor would a 42DD-or-larger (front) allow for effective cross-draw carry.”
• The Albany, New York company, Vireo Health, told reporters it would soon offer the world’s first certified Kosher marijuana, announcing that the Orthodox Union of New York had authenticated it as having met Jewish dietary laws (e.g., grown with insect-free plants). (Other Kosher-validating officials complained that the approval should apply only to marijuana that is eaten, not smoked.)
Democracy Blues In January, Robert Battle took the oath of office for his second term as a city councilman in East Chicago, Indiana — administered at the county lockup, where he is being held without bail, charged with a cold-blooded murder during a drug deal. The crime made news in October (i.e., before election day), yet Battle still won his race. According to law, he cannot be forced out of office unless he is convicted or admits the crimes, and he had the right to vote for himself in the election (except that he failed to request an absentee ballot).
• Two habit-wearing nuns were scheduled to ask the Merced (California) City Council in January to decline its prerogative under state law to ban dispensing or cultivating medical marijuana. The nuns’ order makes and sells salves and tonics for pain management, using a strain of cannabis containing only a trace of psychoactive material.
Bright Ideas The Job of the Researcher: Taiwanese scientists recently announced the availability of their Infant Cries Translator (iPhone and Android app), which they say can, with 77 percent accuracy (92 percent for those under 2 weeks old), tell what a baby wants by its screeches and wailings. The National Taiwan University Hospital Yunlin doctors first had to create a database of 200,000 crying sounds.
• Lawyers for John Bills (former Chicago city commissioner on trial for taking bribes on a trafficcamera contract) said Bills was obviously innocent because everyone knows that, in Chicago, only bribing the mayor (or at least an alderman) will get anything done.
The Continuing Crisis • A former lecturer for Spanish classes at the liberal arts Amherst College near Northampton, Massachusetts, sued the school in December after it failed to renew her contract—leading the lecturer to charge that the Spanish department had tried to solicit student course enrollment by prostitution. Lecturer Dimaris Barrios-Beltran accused her supervisor, Victoria Maillo, of hiring only attractive “teaching assistants” and encouraging them to “date” Amherst students with the ulterior motive of signing them up for Spanish classes—to boost the department’s profile. (College officials said they could not corroborate the accusation, but a lawyer for Barrios-Beltran said Maillo is no longer employed at Amherst.) • William Bendorf, 38, filed a lawsuit in December against the Funny Bone comedy club in Omaha, Nebraska, and comedianhypnotist Doug Thompson after plunging off the stage and breaking his leg following Thompson’s having hypnotized him during his act. Thompson claimed that he had “snapped” Bendorf out of the trance, but the lawsuit claims that Bendorf,
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instead of exiting via the stairs as Thompson instructed, wandered directly toward his stage-side table because he was still “under” Thompson’s spell. • A patient who had been blind for a decade (a condition thought to have been brought on by brain damage from an auto accident) suddenly “regained” her sight, according to a research report in the latest PsyCh Journal— but only in one of the 10 identities (a teenage boy) populating her dissociative identity disorder. Doctors have since ruled out organic damage and (through EEG testing) “malingering” and are now coaxing her eyesight back by treating the disorder.
Least Competent Criminals • Chutzpah! Michael Leonard, 53, was charged in December with stealing a package that moments earlier had been dropped off by a courier. The delivery was to a Prince George’s County, Maryland, police station, and Leonard, hanging around in the station (to register as a sex offender), walked out with the package when no one was looking. (However, a station surveillance camera caught his face.) • Sean Lyons, 23, wanted on an Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, arrest warrant since October as a drug dealer, was arrested in January— at the police station, where officers recognized him when he came to give information as a victim of an unrelated hit-and-run accident. Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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Greeter of the Human Race ….continued
By Laura “LA” Sottile
WHO IS GHR? Hold your hands steady so I can answer that! It’s my neck on the line. Apparently, I had post traumatic stress from being in a Jail Cell and from Wrap Rage, so I made my way to Dr. WOO. The WOO stands for Wizard of Ought. He says without saying I Ought to pay him hundreds of dollars so that my head can be encased in torturous leather straps, so my few but valuable brains may be splattered, as would silly putty all over the perfect Pergo Max floor. All the while my visual cue is from an upside down position, overturned, inverted! Mr. WOO doesn’t seem to flinch a bit upon this disorder. I said, “Excuse me what are you accomplishing Dr. WOO?” He ought to consider this experiment as the Accomplishment Mania syndrome. Which is in fact the exact opposite of a real accomplishment which comes through humble practice and focused determination and TIME!! Ah Time, time… After all he is only 17 years of old! My neck although is centuries old with inherent rough patches from death defying acts of a courageous childhood. ~ Wizard tightens the straps just a touch more and smiles. Blooming Bollocks! He has an enormous amount of teeth, they must have been passing out extra teeth at lunch. Reminds me of a bank of clams that I once shelled out in Cape Cod for hours while the Herring gulls shrieked at me. “I say Wizard perhaps you’ve gone a bit passed your own knack for new experiments?” He didn’t
really understand me because I can barely utter a perceptible word under such strain. He released me from my bourgeois bondage and I stood a wooden clothes hanger. He said I OUGHT to come in tomorrow. I said, “I will try my utmost, but the universe was not created to answer our needs, it instructs us, so if it says to return than I will”. Mr. WOO nodded at me with a tender disbelief. Poof! He was gone and left in his wake a few little bones fluttering like moths… with ankle weights? Yes, I believe so. Took lemon saddle soap out of my pouch to scrub off the welts on my chin from the straps. Off to my next errand, the POST. You don’t mind I take you with me? Do come along, I need your support. The POST OFFICE has become the POSTPONE-ISS. Unlike the Ol’ Post-Horse dashing off through the grand oaks like a fulgurous wind. ~GHR Now Opening Official Mail~ AH! I am to partake in community service says the Inquisition! A night in a jail cell with Loosey Lucy was not enough! How Dare they be so blind in such a position of power! It should be against the law, and they are the law, oh my, very dodgy. At this abhorrent juncture I rung them in an exacting voice, “THIS IS EXACTLY what I was doing at the MALL, COMMUNITY BLOODY SERVICE!!!” I actually never got through the line, but I kept practicing with the recording which was tediously repeating
choices of departments that had no correlation with the immediate concerns of the human condition. Supposedly, technically I was connected. I will do my duty. I chose the theatre for my community service. Ahhh, the lovely old theatre, where people greet and exchange ideas and Chateaneuf-du-POP. I felt so at home that I thought I would try an experiment with my fellow bacterians. I sauntered around with my lips in an unflinching puckered position. I could speak, and drink, and of course, kiss my community job good-bye… again! THEY, didn’t get it, not even my fellow THESPIANAGES. Comparably worse than the Mall I think. They said I was trying to steal the scene. Absurd! I kissed this idea good-bye. I do believe we are a bewildered herd my fellow organics of divine batter. A matter of forgetting all together our purpose for BEING HERE! But I will not stop, I cannot, I have a very soft spot for us little freak accidents. I am determined for all of us to meet each other again. Under a different light, certainly not under a wavering naked bulb. I am to consider a different approach, perhaps ask YOU. I could pop over with some donuts, or better yet just the hole, so we can look straight away at each other. My next move OUGHT to be back to the MALL or I should go further back, where “I” all began. You OUGHT to express yourselves! How will we ever get to know how beautiful you all really are? LaLaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com
Did you hear the story about the burp? Never mind. It’s not worth repeating. How are a bad boy and a canoe alike? They both get paddled. How can you calm down an angry dragon breathing smoke and fire? Throw water at him and he will let off steam. How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies. How can you keep a barking dog quiet? With hush puppies. How can you tell if an elephant has been in the refrigerator? By the footprints in the butter. How can you tell if there is an elephant in the refrigerator? The door won’t shut. How can you tell if there is an elephant sleeping in your bed? Look for peanut shells. How do you know if a soda is any good? A little swallow tells you.
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See you in September Fun Facts
What’s that hotty reading?
Answers on pg 24
Autumn Fall Constitution Week Football School Teacher Gerst Monath Barley Vulcan Fire Forge Roman Sapphire Aster Virgo Libra Labor Day
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Stepping Up to Help Our Neighbors The Soberanes Fire destroyed homes and disrupted the lives of dozens of Big Sur residents. Thousands of firefighters from throughout California responded heroically. At times like this (and in happy contrast to the politics that divide us), the solidarity and generous spirit of Monterey County emerges. And the Arts Council is proud that artists, musicians and authors from throughout the community joined efforts to assist fire victims in ways large and small. A few examples: • From deep within Big Sur,
artist Erin Lee Gafill responded immediately by offering prints of her iconic watercolor, Big Sur Dreaming II, and raising more than $16,000 for the Coast Property Owners Association in a mere 48 hours.
Countless other artists and musicians refocused showings and performances they had scheduled earlier and turned them into fundraising benefits to help the cause.
• Authors Ellen Bass, Jane Smiley and Patrice Vecchione headlined a fire-relief benefit in late August at Earthbound Farms called “If Words Could Put the Fire Out.” • Singer-songwriter Sharon Van Etten’s scheduled performance at the Henry Miller Library in Big Sur was moved to the Golden State Theater in Monterey and became a fundraiser to benefit the fire victims. Joining her on stage were notable locals like Michael Nesmith, Al Jardine and Johnny Rivers.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Geology: name three types of rock? 1) Classic 2) Punk 3) Hard
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Mexicana Soberana I am known to own a flannel shirt or four. I love my porkchop hat and listen to some alternative music and yes, some people have not heard of some of the bands I like (that’s not the point, let’s remain focused), but I can assure you, I, sir/ma’am, am no Hipster. Truth is, I have always been this way. Back in my day I was not cool, I did not cross the border to Cool City, the border crossed me, if you wish. Growing up Mexican (In Mexico, may I add. Y Arriba el Norte): my grandma used the butter plastic containers as Tupperware; I can’t believe it’s not butter… because it was frijoles or
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
salsa de tomatillo. Mayonnaise glass jars were our drinking glasses; we shopped at the second hand store because money was scarce, it’s not trendy when you are poor. Also, all you wealthy MOFOS buying $40 t-shirts that look like your dog got a hold of it, and stop shopping at Goodwill. If your grandma wanted you to have her stuff, she would’ve given it to you. My dad gave me a bike with one gear. The bike was too big for me I had to grow into it. The bikes with the fancy gears were more expensive. Ironically, I own a fixie bike now; however, I won that in a raffle. The Universe brought it into my life via two of my favorite
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
things: winning and drinking beer! A beer contest even, it was not PBR because yuck! My glasses are prescription, and I am 20 percent fat; that is the equivalent of being “Gay fat” or “Straight skinny.” Have you met a fat hipster? I know I have not.
The Universe brought it into my life via two of my favorite things: winning and drinking beer! Perhaps you are thinking it is very hipster of me to deny it and not embrace my life style, but see, I would love to label myself (very unhipster). Truth is, I do not know where I belong (very hipster). I do certain things that contradict others. (Scratch goes the virtual record of my life.) Well, I’ll be darned. Did I just fall in the status-quo trap? Is this how Bruce Wayne felt when he fell in the cave full of bats?! And had no other choice but to become the dark knight we all love and villains loathe?! I got some thinking to do. Ok, I have thought about it. I cannot be a hipster. I ate a vegan cookie the other day and although I am now telling you about it, it does not make me a vegan. Ergo, I am not a hipster. I am Mexican, I was Mexican before it was mainstream. I’m a Mexican light.
All the flava’ none of the calories. Eminem does not consider himself black just because he is a rapper. If anything, Eminem is stealing from black people, just like the banking system, Drake and Justin Timberlake. More importantly, why did Justin quote Mohammed Ali to inspire his audience?! Mohammed Ali overcame real life obstacles during the 1960-70s America. Justin overcame N’SYNC. Furthermore, I have worked for what I have accomplished; my parents did not set a budget for my education so I could study Medieval Literature and be an educated barista at Whole Foods. On a similar note: I also enjoy taking regular showers and not smelling like patchouli. Oh, and by the way, being a Hipster is not being part of a “selective group of elite people.” Those are the Illuminati. Both groups are easily mistaken by one-another since they are both bad for society and believe they are entitled to special treatments. PS: I would like to thank the beautiful soul that took her time to mail me the lovely post-card, and another super thank you for reading the paper and my column. Mira, Wow! Has multiple meanings, but mostly sarcasm.
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My ophthalmologist called to go over test results. My eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered my problem. The Doc told me, ‘Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea.’ I stuttered, ‘But I love tea.’ The doctor replied, ‘Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.’ …One more reason why we have two eyes!
Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your x, she is not coming back.
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Beggars Without Choices By Ted Gargiulo Do you ever feel as though you live in a different universe from everyone else? That your identity has been expunged from the cosmic register? That the world around you is an elaborate clubhouse whose rules and privileges benefit everyone one but you? That’s how I feel every time I’m forced to shop for a better deal on our television service. Last month, my wife and I switched from DSL to cable Internet. In the process, we managed to bundle the new service with a television package, less overpriced than the one we’d been choking on for the past two years. Ever since our respective introductory offers expired (as offers invariably do), both
companies had been gouging us up the wazoo. This offer looked like a practical way to rein in expenses. So what did we get? Of the precious few channels we actually enjoyed, at least three were dropped from the new lineup. Also, the lightning fast internet connection we were promised was, shall we say, infuriatingly finite. Regardless, I figured we’re saving a chunk of money on this deal, at least for the next year or two. After that, if the world hasn’t blown itself up, we’ll probably have to go through this odious decision making process again. No sooner had I installed the new equipment, than we received a letter from our cable company touting yet another “new”
plan, with an allegedly faster internet and a superior television package. Heard THAT before! Nevertheless, it cost less than the deal we’d just made, and now my wife wants to look into it. So I guess it’s back to the bargaining table…again. Ach! Remember when television used to be simple?
You may have noticed that none of the major entertainment providers ever offer consumers a “line item veto,” You may have noticed that none of the major entertainment providers ever offer consumers a “line item veto,” as it’s known in Washington. There’s no such thing as paying only for the stations you want. It’s always an all-or-nothing package. Same method lawmakers use to try to ram legislation down the President’s gullet. Say, you want a tuna fish sandwich. They make you buy the entire seafood packing plant—along with the wharf, the marina, and a couple
of trawlers thrown in for good measure. Otherwise, no deal. Am I right? And for all that, you may not even get the freaking tuna you wanted in the first place. That’s how most entertainment is bundled today. You may think you’re picking the card, but the industry controls the deck. Always. Imagine the money these TV moguls would lose if they sold their service a la carte! They’d end up charging as much for five stations as they would for 300, just to break even. Instead, they inundate us with all this preselected, prepackaged content—programs and stations we’ve never heard of before, more than we know what to do with. It’s their way of justifying the cruel and unusual cost of their service, of saying, “Look at the generous deal we’re GIVING you!” That so? Far as I’m concerned, 300 times crap is still crap. It’s one thing for me to sit and play dead in front of the tube every night, watching shows others have chosen for me. Just don’t insult me by saying my life better for it, ‘cause you guys ain’t “given” me nothing.
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From the Little Book of Profound Absurdities By Richard Matranga
Fast Forward just a little: It is 2017… the citizens of the world are spending 2.3 trillion bucks annually on “prescription” drugs. The U.S. accounts for over one-third of the total. Abe Lincoln just sent a request through Teresa Caputo, the Long Island medium to change parties. The term “baby boomers” has become a misnomer as I watch my contemporaries drop like flies. Despite the fact that I obtained and pay for drug prescription coverage, I have just received a “wake up call” from my insurance company advising that I am about to experience a new and exciting status that usually comes with the experience of being immersed in and “scalded” by hot oil. Like many of my “boomer” colleagues, I am oblivious to the fact that I am about to fall into the “donut hole.” I am advised that the term “donut hole” means my coverage disappears until the calendar year ends and I am on the “hook” for the entire remaining cost of my prescription drugs. While there is almost a certain comfort in being labeled with a term I am more familiar with, i.e.,”SOL,” this is one of those rare times when my sense of humor won’t save my life. Before emptying the coin jar and hooking a ride to my local pharmacy to pick up my latest prescription, I line up all my pill boxes and do the math so I know exactly when I will run out of the drug that literally enables me to move. I don’t like surprises. I have been doing business with the same pharmacy for more than five years. I know this, because
the label on my prescription bottle sports the address where I resided five years ago. I begin to feel that all too familiar queasy twinge in the pit of my stomach, i.e., the same feeling that came over me a few weeks ago when I was dining alone at my favorite restaurant, reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there. I was quite proud that, even with Parkinson’s, I had maintained most of my dish washing skills.
I was quite proud that, even with Parkinson’s, I had maintained most of my dish washing skills. The trip to the pharmacy goes quickly. They have my prescription bagged up and ready to go and I have enough cash on me to pay the additional $400. Back home, I am about to begin the process of filling the pill boxes, adapting the Henry Ford assembly line method. I open the bag, read the label and determine that the pharmacy has filled exactly 50 percent of the prescription for Sinamet. At least I thought it was Sinamet. Admittedly, it took some higher math skills to fill the quantity of pills prescribed correctly (360), a job that Koko recently turned down. But apparently, the real challenge was a cognitive one, i.e, to fill the prescription that was actually ordered by the neurologist, the pharmacist would have to know the difference between a circle and a sphere.
This will require a change of strategy on my part. I will, of course, have plenty of time to plot since I won’t have a ride to the pharmacy for a few days unless I can make the 6.9-mile journey in my “power chair.” I toy with the idea, having made a 13-mile trip on one occasion … but that was for alcohol. I decide to wait. The task I embark on over the next few days will have me convincing the pharmacist that, not only one-half of the prescribed medication is missing, but that the pills he supplied were not what the neurologist prescribed. Now I am getting paranoid. I don’t know where the heck the other half went but I do observe a few very happy pharmacy employees and they know that the most important chemical we Parkies get from these prescription drugs is the “feel good” drug, DOPamine. I employ a simple strategy … by just requesting that they refill the prescription from last time which they had, inadvertently, gotten right. Fifteen minutes or
so after explaining how to fill the prescription to the clerk, the pharmacist comes to the counter flashing a smirk as if to say, “Look you thankless whiner, I save you 50 percent and that’s the thanks I get?” He actually says, “It is going to be a couple of hours. We’ll call your name when it’s ready.” What he means is, wander around the store aimlessly for a while, then we will slaughter your name over the loud speaker, loser. But, my luck is about to change. After wandering aimlessly around the store, I receive a text advising that my prescription for my antidepressant is ready for pickup. I am starting to feel a bond with this pharmacy. I prefer to believe that the pharmacist knew, instinctively, that my mental state had deteriorated markedly. Maybe he spotted me in the sporting goods aisle swinging the baseball bat.
Foolish Ways To Get Attention In School
• Walk around class begging for spare change • Sing your questions to the class • Lick yourself clean like a cat does
• Claim that you wrote the class textbook • Address the teacher as "your honor" • Say you're invisible and when people say you're not, start crying
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September 2016
WAT E R
by Rex Keyes
Back to School on New Tires
EVERYWHERE
Well it is the end of summer and this summer was abnormal with all the fires. We had all that smoke that turned the skies and sunsets light red. But all that smoke did not stop the tourists. The August car show in downtown Carmel was packed with people. It was difficult to get a parking spot within six blocks of Ocean Ave. They were beautiful cars but they are hardly ever driven. They are kept in garages and mostly just taken to car shows. What fun is that? I guess one can consider them a work of art, and instead of like a painting hanging on a wall, they are displayed in one’s garage. Now the ideal garage would be like a man cave with the car, a 56 inch flat screen TV, leather sofa, a pinball machine, a bar, a hot tub, pictures of cars on the wall, a bunch of displayed Craftsman’s tools and a freezer stocked with pizza. What I just described was very close to what I witnessed; only it was in an airplane hangar with an airplane instead of a car. Those were the good old days. I digress! Getting back to cars. We lived in a development with several hundred homes. It was rare that anyone could park even one car in a two car garage because the garages were filled with all kinds of stuff. So a man cave with one car in it is virtually impossible, unless one had a three or four car garage and those are very rare. Fall is upon us and we have five big events coming up and those are Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and rain. Of course, rain isn’t listed on the calendar. In fact, it may only
occur in drizzles. It seems like we have a large dome around us and the rain is deflected to the north or south of us. Maybe we should buy rain from out of state and have it shipped here.
It seems like we have a large dome around us and the rain is deflected to the north or south of us.
We buy just about everything via the internet. Of course, delivery would be difficult. They would need pipelines to ship rain water to us. But, I just remembered, we have a huge reservoir just to the west of us called the Pacific Ocean. All we need to do it take the salt out of it. And we could sell the salt at a very cheap price to the processed food and fast food industry. Then their products would seem more healthy as they could put on their labels “made with natural, organic sea salt.” Taking salt from the sea would also be environmentally correct as there would be no need for salt mining. But there would be one problem, the ocean would become less salty and the sea creatures may be harmed. Oh well, back to the drawing board!! I will leave you with a famous phrase from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, “Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink.”
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The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The Lonely Orange Do you find it odd or strange That only sporange Rhymes with orange? Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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September 2016
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Foolish Sudoku
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and built a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
Answers from page 10
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He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read … Main entrance.
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION
HANDYMAN
Freedom Medical Transportation
Bob
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
SCREENS Real Screens
Affordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING
MAID SERVICE
MUSIC
Lily’s House Cleaning
Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates
831.917.3937
Central Coast Pet Sitter
CERAMICS CA TRAVEL BOOKS
TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675
DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
ESSENTIAL OILS Have fun and learn how these all natural products can enhance you life mydoterra.com/sweetzies/#
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
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KNOCK OFF it
Knock knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No, a cow says mooooo!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? No need to cry, it’s only a joke.
Knock knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.
Knock knock. Who’s there? I smell mop. I smell mop who? Ew.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Stopwatch. Stopwatch who? Stopwatch you’re doing and pay attention!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? No I’m not!
Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? That’s revolting.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you, friend.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Yahoo! I’m just as psyched to see you!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, now hand over the cash.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, I’ll have some peanuts.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, okay: W. H. O.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mustache. Mustache who? I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice who? Candice door open, or what?
Knock knock. Who’s there? To. To who? It’s to whom.
September 2016 Knock knock. Who’s There? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to use a condom every time? Knock knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey bee a dear and open up, would you? Knock knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here! Knock knock. Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub already. I’m drowning!
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September 2016
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A few words from our sensible side:
The school year is in full swing and it’s time to slow down while driving. These are our kids, not visitors who are crossing the street…if that means anything to you. And to the lady in the Lexus who doesn’t know the difference between a turn signal for a strobe light, the Grateful Dead are no longer touring, slow down and get off your phone.
September 3
Labor Day Parade and Festival
Marina is the place to be today for a grand parade ending with a festival at Vince DiMaggio Park.
September 3-4
Greek Festival
Admit it, after seeing “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” for the tenth time, you aspired to be Greek. It’s your lucky day. MontereyBayGreekFestival. com
September 6
National Fight Procrastination Day
Someday, I’m going to celebrate this day.
September 9-11
Festa Italia
If you thought the Greeks were fun last week, come hang around the Italians. A special blessing of the fleet after the parade Saturday. festaitaliamonterey.org
September 17
Walk ‘n Roll
Support local services for MS and Parkinson’s. BBQ, music, prizes, silent auction and more. What is raised here stays here! www.msqlp.org
September 10 - Oct 1
Bandido
Western Stage stages the newly revised version of Luis Valdez’s musical. Based on the true story of Monterey’s Tiburcia Vasquez and his crimes and capture. Villain or hero? You decide. www.westernstage.com
September 15
Art Garfunkel
The other half of Simon and… I’m sure he’s tired of hearing that. Show up to hear songs that you never tire of hearing. goldenstatetheatre.com
September 11
National Grandparent’s Day
Once the cool kids, now helping their kids raise their kids to be the cool kids. Somethings miss a generation.
September 22
Meet the Author
Lindsay Hatton discusses her debut novel, Monterey Bay. The author grew up in Monterey and uses her real life experiences to spin a story of a young ladies love for Doc Ricketts, the people of Cannery Row and the detailed marine life of the area. pglibraryfriends.org
September 16
Working Parent’s Day
September 13-18
First Tee at Pebble Beach
Some of the best junior players play alongside stars of the PGA and LPGA tour. This is a free event. www.thefirstteeopen.com
Show appreciation for your parent today by not asking them for money or things they can’t afford.
September 16
Parklets
Drink a Beer Day
Seaside hosts a day where artists, designers and kin folk transform parking spots into temporary public parks. Celebrity judges and awards for best parklet. www.ci.seaside.ca.us
September 14
September 16-21
September 14 Finally, an excuse!
Gigantic Book sale
The Marina Library cuts loose with over 15,000 books, DVDs and CDs. friendsofthemarinalibrary. org
Jazz Fest
This long time festival crossed over to many genres of music. Jazz is still king. Tribute to Ray Charles Saturday Montereyjazzfestival.org
September 25-26
CA International Airshow
The Thunderbirds return to highlight daily aeronautical acrobatics. On the ground see military and civilian aircrafts and watch Metal Mulisha. salinasairshow.com
September 2016
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