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SPCA Benefit Shop
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26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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Yellow Brick Road
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Mon Amie Consignment Boutique
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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MPVS Benefit Shop
RESALE TRAIL
26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
3706 The Barnyard- Suite G11, Carmel 831.625.5100 www.monamieconsign.com
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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FEATURED SHOP Carmel & Monterey Peninsula's Premiere Benefit Store "Repurpose with Purpose" Yellow Brick Road Gives Back! Last year we passed a milestone... Over Five Million Dollars have been given back to the community in the past 25 years!!! Shop, donate or volunteer with us today and be a part of our great accomplishments!
December 2015
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Eugnot Gib, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks I thought I had the greatest job in the world until Santa walked in our office. Why was this jolly man dressed for a blizzard standing in front of my desk? Who let him in without an appointment and why was he offering a bag of his magic dust in exchange for a bag of ours? This guy works one day a year, meets payroll and can afford to pay his mortgage. By looking at him, he is not missing any meals either! Santa set me back on my heels when he made a creepy remark that he was watching us all year. Seeing the paranoid look on my face, he opened his bag of magic dust and told me a joke to put me at ease. This man can belly laugh like no one else. He has a naughty or nice policy and his data shows that readers of Foolish Times are nicer people than those who don’t. Santa has a great reward system in place for nice people. He also revealed that he starts meetings with his elves by reading from the paper and it sets the tone for positive results. It got a little fuzzy as the conversation went on and what I remember is how thankful I was to have the opportunity to work with such a tremendous group of people to offer something pleasurable to read by a great audience in a magical community. Knowing Santa is looking in, we are going to continue making Monterey County (and beyond) a nicer place by offering our best each month. Happy Holidays and see you in 2016! Thank you all. Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Editor’s Note The other day I was driving along, listening to the radio and what came on … The Byrds, Turn Turn Turn. You know the lyrics, “To everything - turn, turn, turn, There is a season - turn, turn, turn, And a time to every purpose under heaven.” Ok, it’s a little dated, but so am I! It got me thinking about seasons. As a gardener, my life revolves around seasons. If I want tomatoes in summer, I better plant the seeds in early spring; which, of course, is a great object lesson for life. Foolish Times is a little like my garden. What began as a seed of an idea has grown, with the care and nurturing of a lot of people, into a healthy, robust newspaper. Thank you to all of our contributors, advertisers, readers and our great staff for a great year. Happy Holidays!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
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www.foolishtimes.net When my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the woman said, “What do you think, Pa?” He scratched his chin and replied, “Danged if I know - never seen one without wings before.”
A LITTLE old lady was selling agreed that something like that seashells on a street corner. One could easily lift a few chunks of day a well dressed man passed by wood. her, and she grabbed his arm. We ran an ad in the local “How about some nice seashells?” newspaper: “Wanted: Dumbwaiter she asked. — the kind used to transport “No, thank you,” the man meals from a lower to an upper replied. floor. Condition not important but Suddenly the woman clutched must be restorable.” her throat and fell to the Result? No dumbwaiter, pavement. but three people called — two “What’s wrong?” asked the requesting an interview and man. the third to ask if this would be “I’m going fast,” the old woman permanent and what was the wheezed. “Please buy some shells.” salary offered. Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the *** Make Me shells just before her eyes slid BEER waiting BATTERfor BREAD peacefully shut. The next day the While a traffic light to way to warm day man was walking down the street A delicious change on a busy streetyour corner, and saw the woman again vending I fell into conversation with a her wares. woman. 3 cups flourLike me she was no “Hey,” he yelled to a police young. As one word led 1tbslonger baking powder officer, “I thought she passed away 3 tbs to sugar another, she said, “If you live yesterday.” The officer smiled alone and don’t use your brain it 1tspdries salt up. It’s very important to knowingly. “Ah, but you were 12 oz beer, room temp conned,” he said. “You see, she spend time with people, to keep ¼ cup unsalted butter, meltedI am sells seashells by the seizure.” busy. That is why, although over 80, I still work.” *** I complimented her and asked Combine all dry ingredients My wife and I enjoy the comfort Addwhat she did for a living. By beer, mix as little as possible and warmth of our wood-burning Batter thisshould time webe had reached the lumpy stove, but bringing the logs up other side of the street and our Pour in loaf pan from the cellar proved to be brief meeting ended with her Brush with melted butter too much for us octogenarians. unexpected answer: “I take care of Bake for 3540 minutes at 375 degrees Recalling that dumb waiters once an old lady. “ Serve warm had been used to carry meals from one floor to another, we ***
*** Our friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the older man began to put up beanpoles in straight lines, the son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better. A disagreement arose. “Dad,” our friend finally said, sighing, “this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees.” The father threw down his
hoe and stomped off towards the house. “You kids!” he snorted over his shoulder. “Turn sixty and think that you know everything!” *** My 83-year-old great-aunt, who swims regularly, decided to buy a new bathing suit. After searching for some time she discovered a black one-piece suit. “Well, I like the style of this one,” she said, “but I can’t wear black. It makes me look ten years older.” *** A friend was trying to influence his elderly mother to enjoy the money she had accumulated through frugal living. “Mother,” he said, “you have enough money to last you till you’re one hundred.” To which she quickly replied “And then what’ll I do?”
Make Me BEER BATTER BREAD A delicious way to warm your day Ingredients 3 cups flour 1T baking powder 3T sugar
1tsp salt 12 oz beer, room temp ¼ cup unsalted butter, melted
Instructions 1. Combine all dry ingredients 2. Add beer, mix as little as possible 3. Batter should be lumpy 4. Pour in loaf pan
5. Brush with melted butter 6. Bake for 35- 40 minutes at 375 degrees 7. Serve warm
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aquito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SANDWICHES
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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CURB
You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose! 1) Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? 2) How come I can pick my ears but not my nose? 3 ) When your mind wanders - where does it go?
Juan 1) I wonder why too. 2) The sensation of having liquid in there. 3) (Staring)……..
Crystal M. 1) So it can fit in there better. 2) Because your ear doesn’t have weird boogers. 3) Bad places, bad, bad places.
Dong K. 1) Not me, my finger is too small. 2) Because being able to listen is important. 3) Never to a happy place, I worry too much.
Susie H. 1) I wasn’t aware that it was. I don’t have a clue. 2) Because there are more germs in your nose. 3) To a nice calm place far away.
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December 2015
Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram When an Aries says to an attractive man or woman at a Christmas party, “I am an Aries!” What they are implying is you must believe in Fairies. It’s no wonder you fascinate so many! Dance of sugar plums all around your head, Etch-a-Sketching new ideas to no end and breaking eggnog bread. Your virtue never varies. Immerse yourself in the holiday glee because you are a partridge in a rare tree. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your ginormous agenda is bringing the Jedi order down. Unwrap those packages of grief and also air out those wooly socks. You need a rhapsody in woo, wholly! Take the stockings and throw the rocks out, replace with Lacrosse, a ball harries no moss. Focus on your equable and generous side to keep the peace and make room for the Force of Mistletoe, you gigolo! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are an island of misfit noise! This abashment comes from that awkward Tamborine, like that bang of beans you call your scene. You like to perform using your wit and moving to center stage, but these muffled sounds, are a nightmare before XMAS. Lend your ear to what inside steers clear of having to try to be somebody. Remember your shimmer.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab The gaping mouth of Fooleries is upon you, HA, HA, HA, hmmmm. It’s burbling back to you your landfill of judgements disguised as Crisco allura red icing. This loyal lard is tricky when you’ve been flakey to yourself! Trying to be ALL to everyone is being nothing to most. This puts you in an isolated predicament.You must not pout. You know what Santa Clause says about pouting. You are not made of a synthetic substance, you too have needs. (This was a test in jest) Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion “I will not reconcile to second best!” Of course not! Why should you great feline of forward movement!? 5 Golden Rings for you to pierce a nostril, the belly button, nipple or other aroar-agenormous zones, because what makes you so special is that jutting chin of confidence that cuts through any inner qualms! Braid the leftover Christmas ribbon and simply enjoy Dinging and Donging Merrily on High. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin VIRGONOMICS! It’s what happens when intelligence and reason collide in a yule tide and succeed in overcoming stacks of stupid. Using your vast practicality to budget your fudget time you have proven your robustness in the ART of life. Holiday time is for a foolish venture that will make you laugh and cry at the same time. This is what happens when joy and fear
mingle jingle. Ha, Ha, Ha and a Hee, Hee, Hee & Ho Yeah! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Relationships, relation ships, relation chips, potato chips, you just can’t get enough lays. You are as tempting and treacherous as a donut, you spry little fry! Holy on one side and irreverent on the other with sprinkles all over. Never judge a look by its cover, but I read that charming facade of yours, and it’s not cutting the custard when it comes to real togetherness. Have yourself a merry little unfinished business. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions A secretive deadly creature lurks just beyond the horizon! DOUBT! This curved border represents how you may bend and lend a mend to your higher consciousness. I know, I know this can be very far off at times and seemingly untouchable, but when confronted with disaster you turn it into success. No need to hide away in moist towelettes. Make your list for the 25th, and behold a true love’s prospect awaiting you in the midst. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer It’s your BIRTHDAY, Grand Archer in the fire sky! With your buoyant presence you will follow the bulls-eye. You will go as far as it will guide. You are fickle, a bona fide prickle, all explorations start with just a trickle. I could add Chris Kringle, but I won’t…dear Sag, Happy Birthday to you!
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By Bini Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Drop the avant-garbage! The cupboard is full, bloating with neurosis of the geuzosis. All the colors eventually meld into Snow White. Compartmentalizing just brings more cupboards, more dust and only crumbs for your deep hidden desires. You must know by now you are hypnotically attractive. Yes? So why not let that secret buried in your depths shine, glitter and glow for all to know! Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier How was Halloween? Did you go INDIGO!? All colorful and savvy, with your masks a road show. Were any a close hit to where your heart fits? Face it, laughter between all your aloofness is like Mayo to stale bread. So you had a good time but something was missing. “Tell it to the Mountain.” Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s not a silent night, not even a holy night, its BARRACUDAAAAA! Sometimes you need an entrance. This can be a momentum starter. You need to fill the gills with fresh sea water, (or filtered) let the fins sail on high and work, work, work, until the governor says drip dry! Showing up everyday and dancing with the plume, painting with colors of the wind, or just making it up is 100% of it! Watch for the Polar Express, Zoom! ALL YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS is a ride, you shall have it.
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December 2015
This Way Madness Comes By Rosie Sorenson Domestic Madness Headline in the San Francisco Chronicle, October 15, 2015: “Toddlers are shooting people on a weekly basis.” The article opens with the story of a two-year-old boy in South Carolina who, while sitting in the back seat of his parents’ car, discovered a loaded handgun, picked it up and shot his grandmother riding in the passenger seat. Questions linger: who would leave a loaded gun in the back seat of a passenger car? Or maybe the two–year-old brought it with him because he really didn’t like his grandmother. Maybe grandma refused to buy for him that Uzi he was hankering after. The kid would have had a perfect defense. “I just found it in the back seat, your honor!” I mean, who would send a clever two-year-old to the slammer? The article goes on to say, “cases like this happen a lot more frequently than you think.” One three-year-old even “managed to wound both of his parents with a single shot at an Albuquerque motel.” It’s comforting to know modern children are that talented
and resourceful. For years, we’ve been treating them like babies, underestimating their skill and cunning.
It’s comforting to know modern children are that talented and resourceful. I say it’s about time toddlers got off their diapered butts and joined the gun bandwagon. Shooting grandma? Now that’s something the NRA can be proud of. Don’t forget―Christmas is coming. I can’t wait for the Barbie and Ken matching pistols; the Kermit the frog video on how to load an AK-47; and the Betsy Wetsy doll that shoots bullets out her butt. It’s good to be an American! International Madness. Like most Americans, I’ve held the Dalai Lama, Buddhist leader of Tibet, in high regard. The Dalai Lama, exiled in India for years because of threats from the Chinese, is recognized as an evolved spiritual teacher. Perhaps, no longer. The Dalai Lama recently traveled to London for a nine-day
visit where he was promoting the concepts of compassionate and considerate behavior. BBC reporter, Clive Myrie, interviewed him and asked about succession, ie whether or not the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama could be a woman. “Yes!” the Dalai Lama said. He went on to say that when a reporter in Paris had asked him the same question, he had replied, “If a female Dalai Lama comes, their face should be very attractive. I mean, if female Dalai Lama come (sic), then that female must be very attractive, otherwise not much use.” Mr. Myrie, clearly taken aback, said to the Dalai Lama, “You are joking, I am assuming. Or you’re
not joking?” “It’s true,” replied the Dalai Lama. I would like to say to him, as I would to Donald Trump, who recently declared that Heidi Klum was no longer a 10, “Look in the mirror, dumbass. You’re not exactly of the prime cut yourself.” In the past, the Dalia Lama has reportedly declared himself a feminist, but when women respond with vigor to statements of the kind he recently made, he has replied,” Some feminists have too much emotion. That I don’t like that.” For once, I’m speechless. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com
We Wish You a Happy & Safe Holiday Season – Tony and Staff
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What is the first name of Scrooge, the principal character of the novel, A Christmas Carol? Ebenezer
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Yule-ish Times
By Ted Gargiulo When it comes to wrapping Christmas presents, my lunatic artistry has become something of a tradition in my house. I have neither the coordination nor the patience, particularly the patience, to follow conventional guidelines. Consequently, my packages often look like they were thrown together by a deranged six-year old, on a bad day. (“Mummified” is a more accurate description.) Think: Avant-garde. I’m like the Salvador Dali of gift wrap. If the paper I’m using doesn’t fit, I’ll use foreign swatches to cover the empty spaces, even if they don’t match. I’ll cut and fold them all crazylike, then patch them together with enough tape to choke a rhino. Seeing how I hate wasting time and expensive resources, I may forgo the fancy wrap altogether and scrounge up some makeshift substance or container. I’ve been known to utilize everything from newspapers and brown paper bags, to socks and undershirts, to canvas sacks, food canisters and Ziploc pouches. I figure, since I can’t perform this painstaking task correctly anyway, I might as well make it as endearingly outlandish as possible. You should hear this bad boy
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
cracking himself up inside his office while working on this stuff! Last Christmas, I had almost finished wrapping one of my wife’s gifts—an unusually tasteful job, for a klutz. Problem was, I didn’t have enough paper to cover the top of the package. (Failure to plan, as usual.) So instead of starting over, I found a woolen cap and slipped it over its “head” to hide the bald spot, then stuck a bow on it. And a label. Violá! My wife loved it!
I may forgo the fancy wrap altogether and scrounge up some makeshift substance or container. My step-daughter, who moved to Ohio with her husband five years ago, misses my screwed up parcels. (She would have appreciated the woolen cap innovation.) Now there’s a girl who knows how to wrap presents! And she goes about it with a meticulousness bordering on obsession. She used to disappear into her bedroom for two hours on Christmas Day to finish her last minute wrapping, while the rest of us waited in the living room for her to put in an appearance. Finally, she would emerge with the presents she had just assembled, spread them under the tree, and expect everybody to unwrap them that same afternoon. They were so gorgeous, and she’d worked so hard on them, I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing them ripped apart so soon. Once, I suggested,
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“Why don’t we just admire these wrappings for a year, then open the gifts next Christmas?” But she wouldn’t hear of it. I can’t imagine why. Okay, readers, see what you think about this. Two years ago, when I didn’t have enough new things to give my wife for Christmas, I did something I had only written about, but never actually tried. I wrapped a couple of old gifts I had given her the previous year and mixed them in with the new stuff. Betcha never heard of anyone pulling a stunt like that before! Me neither. I always wondered what would happen. Figured maybe, just maybe, Jann wouldn’t notice. Well, she noticed. I thought the gag was hilarious. Jann did not. End of story. Trust me, it’s a totally BAD idea. Do NOT try this at home. Whoops, there I go, cracking myself up again!
How many reindeer drive Santa Claus’ sleigh (counting Rudolph)? Nine
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December 2015
C HRISTMAS: By Debbie Harris
A Love-Hate Relationship
I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas. My first hate is that it comes around . . . every year. I can’t avoid it. The season of Forced Joy. It comes around when it’s cold and wet outside and the days are darkest, the kind of weather that screams snuggle on the couch with a good book or movie covered by an afghan topped off with a warm kitty. Instead, I have to be out in the stores buying gifts, at a holiday program, or at the market trying to find the ingredients to Aunt Marge’s hillside-grown sage and organic cranberry stuffing. Feel tired
from the weather and a long day’s work? Suck it up, slap a smile on your face, and go to the mall. There are bargains to be had. I hate the crowds; everywhere I go there are a lot of people and long lines. Long lines don’t happen only in December, but holiday shoppers are different many of them are cranky. Like me, they don’t want to be out looking for a way to spend money on an in-law who acts like an outlaw. I have sympathy for the retail workers. They are working at top speed, waiting on customers who can’t be satisfied, who argue over a price, or whose credit card is
A guy walks into the Crown & Anchor with his pet dog. Dave the bartender says, “No pets allowed.” The man replies, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Raider’s game and you’ll see. Whenever they score, my dog does flips.” Janikowski keeps kicking field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. “Wow! What happens when the Raiders score a touchdown?” The man replies, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 5 years.” Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in from the cold and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.
declined. They have to have high tolerance. One retail worker told me about a customer during the holiday season who walked into the store and before even looking demanded from a clerk, “Where are the gosh-darn nativity scenes!” Love and joy come to you...
We are mostly a procrasti-nation. Just look at any mall parking lot on December 24. I hate that there is a deadline with Christmas. With most things I do, I create personal deadlines ahead of time that are flexible based on what’s going on. With Christmas, there’s a hard deadline. Americans are not good with deadlines. We are mostly a procrasti-nation. Just look at any mall parking lot on December 24. Having a deadline brings out my rebellious, inner child. “I don’t want to bake two dozen red and
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green M&M cookies tonight!!” it screams. I feel guilty about my feelings of hatred toward Christmas. It’s wonderful season, but my hate is balanced with a little bit of love. There are things about the Christmas season that I absolutely love. I love the lights and decorations. Creative people go all out at this time of year and whip up beautiful displays of lights and colors. A Christmas tree decorated with lights and ornaments is a breathtaking sight. My inner child says, “Oooooooo!” I LOVE the music at Christmas time. Some of the most exquisite coral and choir music ever written were for Christmas and there are wonderful choirs to perform those works. My inner child says, “Aaaaaaaah.” I even like old standard Christmas carols and songs, resurrecting Bing Crosby to croon us a “White Christmas,” Dean Martin to warn us “It’s cold outside,” and Mel Torme to tell us to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” At Christmas time, I hear dead people. So, love it or hate, keep your sense of humor and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year— Pa rum-pa pum, pum.
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Crazy Holidays by Rex Keyes Well, we are in the craziest part of the year for holidays. We just had Thanksgiving and now we are going into Christmas and New Year’s Eve. This is the time of the year to visit relatives and friends, go shopping for presents, buy Christmas Trees, and decide which big party to attend on New Year’s Eve. What sales to go to, what presents to buy, what tree to purchase and how to decorate it can be mind boggling; decisions, decisions, decisions! Make sure you buy a present that the person can exchange if they don’t like it, or maybe, just make it simple and purchase a monetary gift certificate letting them choose what they want. As far as for Christmas dinner, what will be served? Let’s see, turkey was just made for Thanksgiving so this time it has to be either ham or a pot roast. Ok, for some people, I’m sure pot roast is your favorite. Well, how about going off the charts and having T-bone steak with baked potatoes and cake or cherry or apple pie for dessert? Don’t forget to place a candle or two on the
table to make it pretty. Oh, and most important, the timing of the dinner has to be before or after the football game everyone is going to watch. It is not good to have the TV on while everyone sits down to eat.
The secret here is speed, speed, speed. There will be a lot of sales going on this time of year. Usually they’ll announce it in the newspaper or on the internet. Now, I will divulge the secrets of getting what you want in those sales from the Secret Society of Sales Shoppers. First, the day before the sale, in the afternoon or evening, go out to the store you will be shopping at and look around. They usually set up the products in certain parts of the store at that time. That way when the doors open the next morning, you will know exactly where to run to and I mean run. Don’t forget to wear your Nikes or Brooks running shoes. Next, make sure you get to the store at
least a half hour to an hour before they open, otherwise you might be way back in a line of a bunch of shoppers. So when you get, to say, the clothes department and you see some great shirts on sale but can’t decide whether to buy a blue, green or red one, just grab all three and place them in your cart and make your decision later on which one to put back, because if you hesitate, chances are someone else will grab it and it will be gone. That is the same with any other product whether it be watches, pants or electronics. One more helpful hint is let’s say there are a couple of items that you want in different departments in the same store then bring your husband, daughter or son as a team with you to the sale and have them run to the other departments to grab the items. The secret here is speed, speed, speed. Good luck and good hunting! Oh, and did I
mention, before you go shopping have something with caffeine in it to give you energy, say a triple espresso or English Breakfast Tea, oh yea! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
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By Lily Brun
Real or Artificial? As a gardener, I’m faced with a difficult dilemma this time of year. Doesn’t have anything to do with what to buy my guy - that’s easy; or what to cook - my guy does the cooking, thus the reason he’s easy to buy for; or if should I put lights up on the house - absolutely! (Actually, my guy does that too!) No, the biggest dilemma I face during the holidays puts me in crisis as a gardener. It’s not about poinsettias. I don’t buy them. Holly and its red berries aren’t something I covet. I find my own mistletoe - don’t have to look too far past my own trees. No, my greatest quandry, a decision I struggle with year-in and yearout is … do I bring in a real or artificial tree? It’s not a simple decision. There are so many variables to consider. If I want to really be green, I should get a living tree and then
December 2015
plant it outside. Or at the very least, I should go to a tree farm and cut my own. Or I could buy one of those little cone-shaped rosemary trees, you know the ones they try to make look like a conifer or a pine, decorate it and then when the holidays are over plant it in my herb garden. But … I’m at the point where another tree in my yard brings to mind the phrase, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” The idea of chopping a real tree down is, justifiably, at odds with my gardening spirit. And I currently have enough rosemary growing to make potpourris for every room, drawer and closet in my house for, well, ad nauseam. Where does that leave me? The artificial option. Christmas tree in a box. A long-lasting solution. No watering needed. They come fully decorated in a variety of prices and sizes to fit any budget. A can of pine scent spray and, pffft, I’ve got fragrance.
But … they’re fake, not real, an imposter, a pretender of the real deal. No matter how authentic they look or how well-made they are, they’re plastic. That gardening spirit that hampers my desire to chop down a tree, also impedes my inclination to purchase a plastic replica. I’m stuck between that proverbial rock and a hard place. My children clamor for a place to put presents, a limb on which to hang their favorite ornament,
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a tree top for the tree-topper. As if the holidays weren’t stressful enough, I am racked with agony over a noble fir or a fir-less noble. Either choice leaves me feeling completely ignoble. So, I do what any good gardener does. I plant a seed. Let’s get creative. I have a papaya tree growing in the greenhouse. That could work. I have some indoor plants that given the right arrangement could be tree-like. Or better yet, I could hang some balls and tinsel on the pole lamp in the corner and be done with it. Ok, that doesn’t speak to either my spirit as a gardener or the spirit of the holidays. My forest just got a little denser.
On the eleventh day of Christmas what did her true love send? 11 Pipers Piping
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December 2015
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Smirking between dignified drinks December is here, the one-hourbefore-my-presentation-is-due of the months; people are rushing to buy presents, booking flights to escape the city, coming up with excuses not to go visit their relatives, decorate their homes with festive lights, bring a perfectly fine pine tree from outside to slowly perish inside their homes. The usual conflicts happens among the crowds that want to say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, forgetting about Kwanza and trying to figure out how to spell Hanukah this year. That is what the holiday spirit is all about. Time to take inventory of my year, reflecting on the new persona I will be starting in January, I will start with a gym membership, juicing my way into a fitter me (insert Rocky theme here), which reminds me: I need a new juicer. On the other hand, I could just continue being me. I am awesome this way. No, I am not full of myself, I am confident and unlike the Berlin wall, I refuse to go down. Sure, I had
challenges to overcome, but one must learn from it and move on. Why hold a grudge? Don’t take it personally and carry on. Hanging on to the past is like carrying dead weight, and it will prevent you from moving forward and getting ahead. Then you can’t bask in your success.
I am confident and unlike the Berlin wall, I refuse to go down. I refuse to let anyone break my stride, I have fallen a few times but I picked myself up, dusted off and carried on. Nothing makes them angrier than to see you keep going. Nevertheless, one must also remember to act graciously, remain humble and save the nana-na-na for Batman. I now raise my glass to all the supporters of Foolish Times and those reading my humble column; thank you for keeping up with me even though I am not a Kardashian. A mis amigos los quiero, en mi corazón yo los llevo.
What popular Christmas song was originally sung at Thanksgiving? Jingle Bells
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The Man with the LONGEST TONGUE in the World. By Eugnot Gib Everything is an art form. You become skilled, suave, develop technique, and hold a unique perspective on execution. You become a master. In 2011, Monterey native Nicholas Stoeberl broke a Guinness World Record for Longest Tongue, reaching at four inches out of the mouth. Bizarre. Weird. Monstrous. Odd. All words motivating and descriptive of Stoeberl. “I always knew it was long. One day I decided to check Guinness World Records. When I realized my tongue measurement was right up there with numbers in the record book, I told my boss at Papa Murphy’s I was going to be famous.” Stoeberl followed specific criteria provided by Guinness World Records that involved a medical staff, videotape and signed medical statements, and sent to results to Guinness, Ripley’s Believe It or Not, and RecordSetter.com. It was 2011, on a chilly San Francisco evening at the world famous Purple Onion where Stoeberl was first publicly announced as the World Record
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Holder for Longest Tongue by RecordSetter.com, who invited Stoeberl to take part in their first book tour.
After I knew I officially had the Longest Tongue in the World, I knew I had to use it to create art. “It happened slowly, I wasn’t outright recognized immediately. First it was RecordSetter, then Huffington Post, then Ripley’s Believe It or Not put me in their book. Eventually Guinness World Records emailed me asking to send what had been documented, and I said already I did. I unknowingly emailed the wrong person, said Stoeberl. “Getting recognized by Guinness World Records had great timing, by chance. I was announced as the New World Record Holder for Guinness World Record’s 60th Anniversary.” Stoeberl has been on the Today Show, Huffington Post Live, Inside Edition, Steve Harvey Show, Playboy TV, and many other media outlets. “It’s a gift, I have to use it. After I knew I officially had the Longest Tongue in the World, I knew I had to use it to create art,” he said. A World Record Holder for Longest Tongue had never used their tongue to create art. This was a way to share world history in a manor so unprecedented it seems insane. It is extremely unique, relevant to the world. It’s absurd, its insane, its Lickasso. Huffington Post gave Stoeberl the
nickname Lickasso after Stoeberl “licked” a 36’’ by 24’’ portrait of a castor canadensis. Lickasso can be seen on “Nick Stoeberl’s Tongue Show” on the YouTube channel NickStoeberl. Tongue Show features full length footage of tongue paintings, or “lickings,” as Stoeberl insists on calling them. Beat boxing, singing, and further licking absurdity also make up the rest of the show. Stoeberl is young in his mastery of the art form, but paving the way. Adrianne Lewis, a girl with a long tongue in Michigan has since begun “licking” on her YouTube channel as well. Her work includes a portrait of a monkey and Pinocchio.
What ocean is Christmas Island located in? The Indian Ocean
It’s beginning to look a lot like … Answers on pg 24
Twas The Night Before Christmas And All Through House Not One Creature Was Stirring Not Even Mouse Clement Clarke Moore
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Thousands Of Fir Trees Mysteriously Disappearing Around The World:
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KIDNAPPING SUSPECTED By Roger Freed Thousands of fir trees have been mysteriously disappearing from forests around the Western world in the last few weeks. Forest rangers making their rounds have been shocked to find many conifers, mostly young ones between three and six feet tall, missing with only short stumps to mark where they had been. Experts have expressed fears that there is some sort of trafficking in evergreens going on, perhaps even an international trade. No one is clear as to what is being done with the conscripted trees, but suspicions exist that there is an illegal fire wood operation, or major ship building going on or, to the horror of many, a bizarre tree sex cult in operation. These possibilities have been dismissed because A, no one has real fireplaces anymore, and B, no one makes ships out of wood anymore and C, people can only be so degenerate.
So what’s the speed of dark?
The entire episode is reminiscent of last year at this time when trees also turned up missing. Horrifyingly, many of their lopped off, dehydrated bodies were found left at roadsides after the turn of the year, their browning needles bizarrely covered with wispy, metallic silver strands and broken shards of what appear to be brightly colored globes.
Horrifyingly, many of their lopped off, dehydrated bodies were found left at roadsides after the turn of the year. Oddly, accumulated surveillance tapes have shown what appear to be normal families driving up, choosing a specific tree, cutting them down and driving off with them strapped to the top of the car. Rangers are scratching their heads over it and there is now talk of a weird religious cult being behind the slaughter. Agreements have been made with milk companies to print photographs of the kidnapped trees on milk cartons along with a call-in number to help find them.
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A Christmas Tale from 195 8 By Richard Matranga It was a cold, rainy Friday night around midnight, December 23, 1949 when I got my first glimpse of the world. My mom had one heck of a cough which provided incentive to arrive a couple of weeks early … there was no going back. The holidays seemed extra special with the added bonus of a birthday just before Christmas day. Mom would always bake a birthday cake with a holiday theme. It started simply enough with a cake that paid homage to a red-and-white striped candy cane. The following year, it was Frosty the Snowman. Her reputation as the “Michaelangelo” of cake baking soon spread like a communicable disease. The next year, my cake was spectacular. It featured “Santa” skiing over some moguls and into a pine tree. Being the birthday boy, I got to eat Santa’s mangled head. It was 1958. I believed that Santa found room in his sleigh for my new Schwinn candy apple red bicycle with chrome fenders and white walls. I was the perfect candidate for bullying but, thankfully, my days of innocence were numbered. I never imagined that Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer would light the way to the rocky road they call adolescence. On Christmas Eve, after my birthday bash, I would soon be ripping open a second huge pile of presents. But these gifts, at least the gifts allegedly arriving from the North Pole, were wrapped in paper with a white background and Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer posing at the front of Santa’s sleigh for all the children in the world. That was my first clue. By the time I
had reached the ripe old age of eight, I became suspicious when I noticed that all of my gifts from Santa were wrapped in the same paper, ie, white background with Rudolph posing at the front of Santa’s sleigh.
I believed that Santa found room in his sleigh for my new Schwinn candy apple red bicycle with chrome fenders and white walls.
The year 1958 was the third in a row that “Santa” wrapped our stuff in the same paper. It seemed like business as usual with my Dad ordering us to bed so that Santa could pay his visit. We were so excited that there was no way we were about to sleep, but this was one game I didn’t mind playing. I went along with the facade and closed my eyes when the door to my bedroom opened slowly and my Mom peeked in to check and confirm that I was asleep. My sister and I had followed traditional protocol - we left carrots out for Rudolph and his herd and cookies and brandy for the “Jolly Old Elf” and darned if they weren’t all gone when my parents announced, in unison, “kids, Santa was here!” It was usually about 11pm when we were summoned. Things seemed normal, except that I couldn’t help but notice that my pile of presents had the same wrapping paper as last year and the year before that. Some would say it was by
chance that my innocence was lost, but I was keenly aware of anything having to do with the “freak” called Rudolph. I headed into my parent’s bedroom to get a handkerchief from my Dad’s dresser. The closet door was open, the light in the closet was on. A large roll of scotch tape was sitting on a card table along with a pair of scissors and the biggest roll of wrapping paper I had ever seen. It had a white background and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer prominently displayed in a pose that I was all to familiar with. I had an ethical dilemma. I could disclose my discovery to my parents or keep it in the closet. There was enough paper there to last another five or six years. On my 32nd birthday, my Mom created a cake featuring Rudolph leading Santa’s sleigh. As I plucked the maraschino cherry form the middle of his face and popped it in my mouth, I decided that it was time to come out of the closet.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney? A: Because it soots him! Q: What do Santa’s elves do after school? A: Their gnomework! Q: What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes! Q: What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol? A: Silent Night. Q: What is the fear of Santa Claus called? A: Claustrophobia Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish! Q: What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? A: Jungle Bells!
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Q: Why does Santa have a garden? A: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe! Q: Why did the dog hang his stocking at Christmas? A: He was waiting for Santa Paws. Q: Why is it cold on Christmas? A: Because it’s in Decembrrrrrrrrr!
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December 2015
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By Chuck Shepherd
Witness Protection Even dangerous felons sometimes serve short sentences, but Benito Vasquez-Hernandez, 58—guilty of nothing—has been locked up for nearly 900 days (as of early March) as a “material witness” in a Washington County, Oregon, murder case. The prosecutor is convinced that VasquezHernandez saw his own son, Eloy, murder a woman in 2012, and the case is on hold until the victim’s body is found. The judge has given Vasquez-Hernandez two opportunities to leave, both impractical (pay a $500,000 bond or give a video deposition, but he speaks no English, is illiterate in Spanish and, said his lawyer, might be mentally incompetent). (Consolation: Material witnesses in Oregon earn $7.50 a day.)
The Continuing Crisis • The trendy St. Pauli neighborhood in historic Hamburg, Germany, suffers its share of uncouth revelers who wander out from nightclubs seeking restroom facilities but too often choose walls of storefronts and private homes, reported London’s The Guardian in a March dispatch. The solution, according to the civic group IG St. Pauli: paint jobs with an “intensely hydrophobic” product known as Ultra-Ever Dry,” which somewhat propels liquid aimed at it right back toward the source by creating an air barrier on the surface. In other words, said an IG St. Pauli official, it’s “pee back”
time, and shoes and trouser legs should expect splashes. • We have “139 frogs, toads, lizards, turtles,” Ms. Thayer Cuter told Seattle’s MyNorthwest.com in March, touting her Edmonds, Washington, amphibian rescue shop, especially the heroic job done recently on Rocky, the Texas toad who came with stones in his tummy. “He had to have a lot of enemas (but) Rocky is rockfree now” and, after passing all the pebbles, is finally able to eat. Added Cuter, turtles are underrated pets, “very social” and love massages and “cuddl(ing).”
The Job of the Researcher: Cockroaches can be bold explorers or shy and withdrawn, according to recent work by researchers at Belgium’s Universite Libre de Bruxelles, who caught a bunch of them, affixed radio tags and studied their movements. “Explorers” are necessary for locating food sources, although, obviously, they are also most likely to find Roach Motels; “shy, cautious” roaches are necessary for survival and group stability, and a mixture of the types ensures cockroaches’ legendary survivability. A Mother Nature News commentator wrote, hopefully, that understanding roaches’ personalities might make us “less quick” to “grab a shoe.”
Can’t Possibly Be True Ranson IB Middle School in
Charlotte, North Carolina, has a strict dress code (requiring, for example, only “hunter green” outerwear). Thus, on Jan. 27, when parent Chanda Spates dispatched her three kids in improperly hued coats, Ranson officials confiscated the “contraband” clothing, leaving the three (along with 20 other sartorial miscreants) to make their way home after classes with no outerwear at all -- though the temperature that afternoon was in the 30s. (Following parental outrage, the administrators apologized.) • A female teacher working for the Arizona Department of Corrections was brutally assaulted in prison by a sexual predator and has sued the department, but in February the state attorney general’s office, contesting the lawsuit, told the judge, basically, that the teacher understood all along that she could get attacked in prison. She was administering inmates a GED exam, but that day had no guard support, not even one to hear her screams, and was given an emergency radio tuned to an unmonitored frequency. Nonetheless, Assistant Attorney General Jonathan Weisbard essentially shrugged: “The risk of harm, including assault, always exist(s) at a prison like Eyman.”
Compelling Explanations Clueless in Florida’s Panhandle: • Debra Mason, 58, was arrested for theft of a pickup truck in Destin, Florida, in January -- and according to police, Mason said she knew it was stolen property but “didn’t think it was ‘that’ stolen.” • Ten miles away in Mary Esther, Florida, in February, Robert Pursley, 54, was arrested for DUI and was asked about items in his truck. According to the
police report, Pursley insisted that everything was his -- “except for anything illegal.” A baggie of cocaine was in the truck’s center console.
U-S-A! U-S-A! Americans Abroad: • American sisters Lindsey, 22, and Leslie Adams, 20, were convicted, fined and deported by Cambodia’s Siem Reap Court in February after taking several nude photos of each other at the Preah Khan temple, apparently for their social media “friends.” The Angkor Archaeological Park, where the temple is located, is reportedly the world’s largest religious monument. (2) Two other American women were arrested in March for carving 8-inch initials into a wall at Rome’s ancient Colosseum and then snapping selfies for their friends. Recurring Theme: Among the most recent lives ruined by badly botched prosecutions: • Joseph Sledge, now 70, was released from prison in North Carolina in January after wrongly serving 36 years for a double murder; hair samples (revealing another man’s DNA), long thought to be lost, were discovered in a court clerk’s storage room. • Kirk Odom, 52, served 22 years after his wrongful Washington, D.C., conviction for rape and robbery; a court in February awarded him $9.2 million in compensation, but on the other hand, after several prison rapes, he had contracted HIV. (Odom is one of several D.C. men convicted of rape or murder based on erroneous analysis by an “elite” FBI hair-analysis unit.) Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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December 2015
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES
What’s another word for thesaurus?
BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Doctor tells patient: “I have some bad news and worse news” Patient: “What is it, doctor?” Doctor: “The laboratory test results show that you have only 24 hours to live” Patient: “Oh my God” Doctor: “The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable” When you are wishing your friends good health, you are wishing unemployment for doctors!
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich Why Rudolf’s Nose is Red Famed Rudolf’s a red-nosed reindeer I know of no other, I fear Gene Autry’s song about him is quite revealing But more of interest in what it’s concealing
12th Annual
N AT I V E A M E R I C A N
Politically, his nose could not be red For communism, they say, is nearly dead Nor is his proboscis running and rheumy For then his outlook would be dour and gloomy
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We know that this is not the case Cause he leaps and jumps all over the place So please afore I go to bed Why is Rudolf’s nose so red?
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The key to this is his leather collar For which Santa paid a pretty dollar To keep off, of course, the ticks and fleas Which cause the poor deer to scratch and sneeze
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Rudolf’s nose is so red, if you please, Cause leather is one of his allergies Once again it’s the old reprise The cure is worse than the disease. AACHOO! And HAPPY HOLIDAYS Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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SHEEPISH LAUGH
from page 10
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. “Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe, “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”
from page 19
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December 2015
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on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?” *** A brunette asked a blonde scuba diver why they jumped off of the boat backwards. The blonde replied, “If I jumped forwards I would still be in the boat.” Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?” *** One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive. She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling
the cop car. After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?” The cop asked, “Why?” She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!” The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!” *** A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn’t understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant. He replied back saying, “I don’t know.” The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says, “OMG NOBODY DOES!!!” *** Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane. The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off. Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast. When she reached 20 she told him
that she had never seen so many buttons. But when she reached 30 miles she didn’t check in so the manager went to rescue her. When he found her he asked her how she crashed. The blonde replied, “It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan.” *** There was a blonde who decided to go to a hair-dresser. She walked along the street, and found one that had a sign on the front of it saying, yes, we are open. When she had finished and paid, and was about to walk out the door, she noticed a sign on the BACK of the door saying, sorry we’re closed…and wondered how long it would be before she got home. *** A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. “Can I help you?” he asked. The woman replied, “I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it.” The cop asked, “Did you drop it right here?” “No,” responded the blonde, “I dropped it about a block away, but the light’s better here.” *** A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
*** A blonde, a brunette and a red head are having their lunches. The blonde little girl says, “I’m sick of PB&J. We should all jump off the school roof tomorrow if we get it again tomorrow.” The other girls agree. The next day they all meet up on the roof of the school and open their lunch boxes to expose three PB&J sandwiches. So they all jump. That night at the hospital the families of the girls are in the waiting room. The brunette and red headed girl’s parents are crying, but the blonde girls parents are silent and confused. The other parents approach them and ask them why they are acting so strangely. The blonde mother responds, “I just don’t understand. She makes her own lunch.” *** A blonde woman has lived in Russia for many years. One day a government official comes to her and tells her, “Miss, quite a while back there was an error by a surveyor. You actually live in Ukraine.” The blonde replies, “Thank goodness! I don’t think I could make it through one more Russian winter.”
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December 2015
Every Friday & Saturday In December
Planet Gemini
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
December 2-5
www.foolishtimes.net
December 5-6
Native American Market
Spreckels is the location for this 12th annual shopping experience offering unique gift ideas, great food & culture. info: 831.601.3051
Streets of Bethlehem
Christmas in the Adobes
A re-creation of living enactments of the tiny village where Christmas was started come to life in Salinas. streetsofbethlehem.com
Stroll through the streets of Historic Downtown Monterey and visit more than 25 properties. Music, refreshments, games and history. www.mshpa.org
December 8-14
Monterey Bay Aquarium
December 4
Christmas Tree Lighting
December 11-12
Free Community week with proof of residence. Montereybayaquarium.org
Christmas on Main
Gone are the American Idols and flying angels. In are acrobats, ice skaters and snow. www.fpcsalinas.org
Boxing Day
A European tradition where servants and tradesmen receive gifts from their bosses. It also includes giving money to those in need.
First Night Monterey
December 9
Christmas Card Day
Lecture by author Robert Dudley on today’s alcohol consumption and abuse. www.pgmuseum.org
December 26
December 31 December 19-20
The Drunk Monkey
Merry Christmas
December 12-13
Gather with family, friends and community members for an evening of carols, cookies & cider at Colton Hall for this glorious event. www.oldmonterey.org
December 5
December 25
Salinas Valley Comic Con
Sir Henry Col commissioned the first card. Be sure to either mail them today or purchase a box before stores run out.
Pop Cinema-The art of story telling. Featuring special guests and a variety of comic and graphic artists from current comics. www.steinbeck.org
December 11
December 21
Carmel-By-The-Glass
A winemakers’ celebration fundraiser. Enjoy regional wines, lite bites and Christmas music. carmelbytheglass.com
Hum Bug Day
Today you are encouraged to have a ‘controlled venting’. Let it all out, regroup, and refocus.
A community celebration of the arts in Downtown Monterey. Family friendly activities start early and end late. Firstnightmonterey.org
December 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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2015 Downtown Monterey Holiday Calendar
December Holiday Events! Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday 1
Farmers Market 4-7 PM
Thursday
Friday
2
3
Ceremony Monterey
7
Pink Martini
Brighten the Harbor Lighted Boat Parade
From Coffee-to-Cocktails:
13
14
Elves in Training
Happy Hanukkah!
mpyc.org
MYMuseum.org
8
Take a break in
Old Monterey
TubaChristmas Monterey
GoldenStateTheatre.com
Farmers Market 4-7 PM
Farmers Market
15
Don’t forget to buy your First Night Buttons!
Live Auction & Reception 6 - 9 PM
yacstudios.org
16
OldMontereyFoundation.org
11 Chris Isaak
GoldenStateTheatre.com
Winter Begins
21
22
23
Last 2015
Farmers Market
MIIS Winter Commencement miis.edu
December 11 - 12 mshpa.org
17
Christmas Eve
12
Christmas in the Adobes
18 Only one week left to shop!
Merry Carolers Victorian Singers
19
stroll through the downtown each Saturday
Call (831) 649-7118 for a map!
facebook.com/ tubachristmasmonterey
20
TOMORROW DECEMBER 11
Enjoy a FREE self-guided tour of Historic Old Monterey
4-7 PM
Save the Angels
10
2015 Holiday Show 5-9 pm
at Downtown Bakeries
OldMonterey.org
OldMonterey.org
9
Pick up Holiday Treats
5
Santa’s Live Reindeer Noon - 4 PM FREE
5 - 6 PM FREE
HospiceGiving.org
6
4 Christmas Tree Lighting on Colton Hall Lawn
Post me on your fridge!
Tree of Life
Saturday
24
Merry Christmas!
25
Happy Kwanzaa!
26
4-7 PM
FirstNightMonterey.org
27
28
Visit us online!
/OldMonterey @OldMonterey www.OldMonterey.org
29 NO Farmers Market
30
Noon Year’s Eve
MYMuseum.org
First Night Monterey
FirstNightMonterey.org
31
TWO HOURS FREE PARKING Downtown in the West Garage
November 27 - December 26