August 2015
For Sale
Monterey County
JUST BUY THE FIRST HOUSE YOU SEE, THEY’RE ALL PRETTY GOOD! Event Calendar » pg. 26
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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THE
26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
RESALE TRAIL
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..........................Nicholas S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools.......................Quinton G. Russell S. and Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Sy Rosen, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Russell Swartz
The Chucklehead Speaks A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender…no that’s old and not so funny. How about a guy walks in to the Foolish Times office and says, “I want to work with you guys.” Now that’s refreshing and funny! We’re a tight bunch of happy people always willing to take a break from the laughter and merriment of our world to have someone entertain us. Sometimes it’s a comedian traveling through and sometimes it’s a community member with a six pack dangling at the end of his arm. This particular gentleman is what we call a local. That would be someone who was born here. It just so happens that his father and his father’s father were also born here. That would qualify him as a local’s local. We welcome Nicholas to our foolish world. Being a local, he saw the value of real estate skyrocket over the years. I’m an east coast guy where people buy a house and live. Here on the left coast, people live to buy a house. I owned a home in San Jose; lost it through divorce and lost another from a landslide in Corralitos. It’s hard to explain the feeling of seeing your house all crumbled and broken at the bottom of a hill. When people ask where I live, my response is, “Anywhere I park my car. Tonight it’s Carmel Valley tomorrow maybe Moss Landing. It depends on the weather. Whether or not the cops allow people to sleep in their car!” I’m not sure I’m going to buy a house and live in it and I’m certainly not built to live to buy another house although I do have a very comfortable roomy car.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Editor’s Note This month is Happiness Happens Month. Yes, it’s official. There’s a group - the Secret Society of Happy People. They celebrate happiness by encouraging members to recognize their happy moments and think about happiness in their daily life. There’s a founder, Pamela Gail Johnson of Irving, Texas. Who’d of thought? August 8 is Happiness Happens Day. On this day there’s a HappyThon, an online media event that promotes happiness around the world. The Society has a website: www.sohp.com where you can find out how to celebrate the day on social media. Let’s do it! Let’s be part of the celebration. This issue is full of happiness … Pluto has a heart, gardens are full of zucchini, babies are stealing the show, there’s a plethora of blonde jokes for the retelling! Go to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and let the world know how happy you are to be reading Foolish Times.
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
831.648.1038
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Out On The Town Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. “We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith. “Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.”
Senior Moments
Creaky Knees
Healthy Living
An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, “OK.” He said, “Will you marry me?” She replied, “Yes,” then asked what his second question was. He replied, “Will you help me up?”
Little boy: “Did you hear about the 88-year-old man and the 79-yearold lady that got married last week?” Little girl: “Did they throw rice at them?” Little boy: “No, they threw vitamins!”
Stayin’ Outside
The older a man gets, the more ways he learns to part his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they have around on their head to cover their baldness. However, as a man gets even older, he realizes there are basically only three ways to wear his hair—parted, unparted, and departed.
Reporter: “So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?” Old man: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air.”
You’re How Old? “Now, Ms. Lyons,” said the doctor, “you say you have shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?” “Why, I’m going to be 39 on my next birthday,” the woman replied indignantly. “Hmmm,” muttered the doctor, “Got a slight loss of memory, too.”
You’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do. You’re getting old when there’s no question in your mind that there’s no question in your mind.
Sometimes I use words I don’t know the meaning of in order to sound more perpendicular.
What’s a Hairstyle
Peace of Mind Essex will Maintain and Prevent Problems to Keep Your Auto Running Safely
Complimentary Visual Inspection
Still Trying An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. “Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!” said the woman. “Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?” the daughter asked in disgust. “Oh, no!” her mother explained, “I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!”
The best alternative to the high priced dealers
125-C Sun St, Salinas 831-757-2370 www.esseximports.com
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August 2015
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy
FAST FOOD
BREAKFAST
If food were fast, we would all be running after it
First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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Foolish Counsel
By Russell Swartz Q: I stopped working three months ago. I gave no notice and signed no paperwork. I didn’t even say goodbye. Now I want my job back. How do I get it again? A: Just walk in like nothing’s changed. Sit down at your desk, say hi to your boss, and get back to work. Your coworkers might be confused. They might ask questions like, “Where have you been?” Tell them you were getting lunch. If they say something stupid like, “For three months?” just let them know that you’re never going back to that Subway again. Their service was just the worst. Q: I want to settle down with my wife and start a family. We’re searching for a house. What should we be looking for? A: A “For Sale” sign. Q: How do I use Excel to make easy-to-read tables? A: I don’t think computer programs will help you with your carpentry.
Q: My coworker has a really silly name. I can’t stop snickering every time I walk by his desk, but I think he’s taking it personally. Is there a way I can solve the situation? A: Laughing at somebody’s name is hurtful. They can’t do much about it, but trust me - they know their name is stupid. By laughing, you’re just reinforcing their low self-esteem. So don’t laugh at their stupid name. Laugh at their ugly face instead. Q: Nobody tells me anything at work. I’m always the last to hear from my bosses. How can I improve communication? A: Take the initiative and tell them things. Animal facts are always appreciated. For example, penguins can’t tell the difference between male and female, so they choose mates by watching their mannerisms. Or tell them that you hate your job and you hate them more. That’ll show them who’s boss. It would still be your supervisor.
HOME BUYING TIPS IN MONTEREY COUNTY Make sure you have more money than you have now. Save the receipt just in case something goes wrong. Once you buy a home, note that your political views will swing way right. Don’t limit your search to houses;
.
Buy a house that already contains children because a house is not a home without them. .
o .
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August 2015
Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The tarp and sprinkler is a great idea! So what if you get a few burns and scrapes, nothing a little back-teen can’t sooth. Remember those younger days of combustible energy? You still got it! What matters is you took a gamble, followed a stream, infused a scheme with your enthusiasm. You want to make a music video out of it - do it! Art standards are at a high low. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull BREATHE! It’s hard staying in your center when you are being popped by arrows. Your stoic pride leads into the querencia, not the picnic at the park you envisioned, but the differencia is you can take this punishment in stride! Remember every prick has a new lesson to offer.
(Can affect digestive process and or can chip paint off a Webber.) Relax and Imagine a blade of grass a rope for the Limbo shuffle, rub your legs together with the crickets, rummage with the lady bugs and connect the dots, and watch how the ants use moxie. Elect your rage to be your proxy. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion You stand out even when taking a nap under a Poppy shade tree! Though your act of fearlessness needs no rehearsal, Thou must practice courage in speaking up and catching it before the roar erupts and brings the family tree down. Euphemistic society can make you go ballistic when all you are trying to do is keep things real. Oh you are real alright, Happy Birthday!
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are a surgically precise barista when it comes to gathering a misto for a summer pool party. Don’t be a drip so remember the sensitive types, usually the water signs. Your social butterfly-ism may make them feel as if they are at a coffee drive thru. It’s a shot in the dark but if you can begin diffracting your auroral aura you will allow ALL to shine. You will be as good as gold! Maybe even Doppio!
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It’s time to take your skivvies off and join the nudist camp dampness. Sketching the flowers in the community garden is a great temporary cover-up, but what about when you get to the roots? Your underbelly is shaking. You have committed yourself to shedding some self-consciousness around your organic structure. Our primitive society continues to categorize what IS the proper integument. Make this your effort free zone, do as the Gladiolus do, dangle in splendor.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Toddle barefoot through the grass before you self-destruct. Go on. Big lesson here for Big Crabby is to recognize Big hidden anger inside.
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You buried your friend in the sand! After that duplicitous insidiousness, who can blame you Libby. That 2 faced son of a…
okay let’s not spiral…Here’s what ya gotta do; deal intuitively with the other’s emotions, and consider their point of view, even if from your perspective it looks to be straight up a horse’s ass. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Skipping stones at Lake Caspian is a good tempered next step back from dominating others. The little stone will do as you say and won’t hit back. How many bounces will determine your ultimate trust in the mystery of the universe. If it goes kurplinkiss, consider it a symbol of your wariness and suspicion then retrieve it, mortar and pestle it back into dust. Centering your power can be festal while coming down off the pedestal. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer The saggy roof of conventionality finally bore a hole through to the night sky - it’s just like sleeping in your own back yard. So what if you stripped the shingles off your roof to use as fish scales on your new avant-guard painting. You are clearing creative blockages mon ami! You have formed the bridge between human and beast, so I think you can probably make your way out from under the couch!~ Use your hoof to hook the coffee table and tug!~ Come out, Come out wherever you are… Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Water balloons are perfect for a disciplined goat like you. Your basic concern is for security and they are just the opposite in their illusive solidity. Their squishy and
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By Bini mushy way about them evoke the cartoon in you. So chillax, there is no hidden tax in a flash of joy. Try the assorted colored ones that look like Big FAT jelly beans. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Liberation! Build a sand castle and see each grain of sand as a thought you’ve had. Behold the glorious construction and then pour your bucket of water to soften the icy intellectualism. Bucket No. 2 will be for taking sips of knowledge for seeing yourself as energy. It is essential for you to live not only in your mind, but also in the heart of an artichoke. This way your heart can join the garden of even. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes RIGHT ON! High levels of taste Thunderstorm on the coast and you’ve gone fishing! You are gumption Pie PI! Leave the school behind and let them find their own way this time. You know your way into Oneness is full speed ahead! You have turned inside the tides to view the sand glass from all sides, and still it takes time to know time. But once you have boarded your ship of purpose, the porpoises help you step out of time. You have reconnected with your celestial longitude. You’re a Smash Splash!
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Pluto ...
Back on the Team
By Richard Matranga I remember the day that what’s his name, you know, the famous astrophysicist, declared that our ninth planet really was an imposter. It was deemed to be a “dwarf” which many would consider a derogatory description, at least by analogy to terms applied to our species. I have to admit, I harbored suspicions for years; unproven, but every bit as credible as evidence relied upon in coining the term, “dwarf.” Any heavenly body that was located beyond a planet that went by the name of “Uranus” was destined to be “bullied.” Then, this contraption fashioned by homo sapiens and launched into space about nine years ago, to presumably put an exclamation mark on the “faux” planet’s demise sends “evidence” (mostly in the form of photographs) that suggests the skeptics out there may have been full of it. Transmissions from “New Horizons” show that Pluto has a “heart” despite the fact that it is the coldest of the “rocks” currently orbiting the Sun, even if it takes about 248 years to complete its three billion mile lap. And … Pluto has five moons of its own! As a product of the 1950s and 60s, I accepted the nine planet solar system without question; no small feat in a universe that existed with the daily threat of our own planet being blown out of the “sky.” The news that Pluto was being cut from the team came at a time
when I was locked in a search for the meaning of life … although I had come a long ways from the four year-old who thought Pluto was the best pal of Mickey Mouse, it was not the news I wanted to hear just when I turned 50 and thought I had finally “boxed up” the universe in one nice, neat package. As I sit here today, I don’t profess to comprehend why the astrophysicists and astronomers
I had come a long ways from the four year-old who thought Pluto was the best pal of Mickey Mouse. downgraded Pluto to a “dwarf” planet. Perhaps it was more of a reflection on the discriminatory nature of the modern human species than based upon solid scientific principles. Remember, Neanderthals were deemed to be some sort of dumb subhumans until we discovered their DNA in our genome recently. Recent artists renderings show a sexier, smarter looking Neanderthal. It seems plausible that, with the discovery of Eris, also labeled a “dwarf,” the scientists could have ADDED a planet to our solar system. Was it astrophysics or astropolitics that played the major role in the new derogatory label? Some things are better left
A couple sees an ad for a house in Carmel, “Charming home with ocean views: $1,000.” It must be a misprint. They race over and find it’s easily worth two million bucks. They ask the seller, “What’s the catch?” “Well” the lady says, “last week my husband left me for a younger woman. He said I could have everything except the proceeds from the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he and his new girlfriend are on vacation in Mexico.”
to Stephen Hawking, who says he is still waiting to decipher what the New Horizons spacecraft, which is reportedly the size of a piano, transmits back to us earthlings. Being a lawyer, I like to characterize the 2006 decision to send Pluto to the minor leagues as a “rush” to judgment. All I know is that I am putting my money on Pluto. The first transmissions from the New Horizons “flyby” indicate that it is bigger than we thought.
Richard, a native Californian, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at which time he began writing his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life … with a humorous “bite.” Check out his blog, dickiedidit. wordpress.com.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
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Public Information
By Debbie Harris
August 2015
Wo r d P l ay
When I read a newspaper or look at any public notices, questions often cross my mind, questions like, “Why does the ‘Super Saturday Sale’ start on Wednesday?” “Why is there a Braille option on the ‘drive-thru’ part of the bank?” “Why are there items that cost $1.49 and $1.79 in the Dollar Store?” I always chuckle when I see a document with a page in it saying only, “This Page Left Intentionally Blank,” nullifying its message simply by being there. I understand why it’s there. We are a suspicious people. If we see a blank page, we want to know about it. Why is that page there? What was supposed to be on it? Who omitted something? What is someone trying to hide? Let’s develop a conspiracy theory and fight to launch a full-scale investigation of the mysterious, possibly incriminating “Blank Page!” Tunein to your favorite news station for a comprehensive report full of innuendo, supposition, and truth fracture, with video footage of the alleged writer of the controversial “Blank Page” being chased down a city street by a news crew. But I digress. Not too long ago, The Monterey County Herald ran an article that said, “72 percent chance of big earthquake in the next 30 years.” Questions immediately popped into my head. I thought— Really? Did you use your Magic 8 ball for that prediction? What does that actually tell us? Can you help us pin that down a little
better? Should we find a 2041 calendar and block off some dates for earthquake recovery? Or should we just write, “be afraid of an earthquake” at the top of each calendar page until the earthquake hits or we make it to 2045, whichever comes first? Or is there really enough useful information in that article to be news? Seriously, if someone has lived in California for more than a year she knows there is always the chance of an earthquake.
If someone has lived in California for more than a year she knows there is always the chance of an earthquake. But it’s not just the Herald’s titles that grab my attention. The December 4-10, 2014 edition of the Monterey County Weekly ran an edition headline that said, “I did not murder that woman with a steak knife,” in reference to a statement made by Jack Sagin, who is in prison for murder. At the risk of making light of a serious crime, let’s look at the words in that statement. If we emphasize a particular word, we can create a whole new statement. If he didn’t murder the woman with a steak knife, what did he do? Pierce her earlobes? Give her a shag haircut? Cut off an unsightly mole? Or maybe we have the wrong victim. He did not murder
that woman with a steak knife, but it was really someone else? Nah. Clinton didn’t get away with, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Even if that statement were true, we all knew that he did with other women. And if he did not murder that woman with a steak knife, then what did he use? A butter knife? Salad tongs? Or did he move out of the kitchen and find something in the tool shed? Perhaps a more affirmative and convincing statement is needed, one that leaves less linguistic manipulation opportunities. Or maybe it’s as clear as it needs to be and I’m just a unique reader. I was never much one for sports, but I love public information word play.
Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the dog! Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? A: He was trying to make both ends meet! Q: Why don’t dogs make good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet! Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A: You can step in a poodle! Q: Why are dogs like phones? A: Because they have collar IDs. Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths? A: A shampoodle! Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? A: Ruff!
A property manager asked a prospective tenant, “Are you employed?” “Yes.” She replied. “Children?” “Yes, a 12 year-old boy and a nine year-old girl.” “Animals?” “Oh, no! They’re very well behaved.”
Q: What do you call a dog that is left handed? A: A south paw! Q: What did one flea say to the other? A: Should we walk or take a dog? Q: What type of markets do dogs avoid? A: Flea markets! Q: What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away? A: Well, doggone!
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There’s a New By Sy Rosen
Heartthrob in Town
This story begins on a Sunday afternoon in my mom’s assisted living facility. An accordion player, Ramon, comes every week. He is 50, good looking, Latin and is the heartthrob of the facility - and he definitely knows it. He struts, he prances, he winks and the ladies all put on an extra dab of rouge when Ramon is there. Lately, however, Ramon seems bored and is just going through the motions as though he would rather be somewhere else. When he played his half-hearted version of You Send Me he was really sending everyone to sleep. I was sitting next to my mom and I could see that half of the seniors in the lobby were dozing but Ramon didn’t seem to care. He knew he was the only game in town. And then the game changed! My daughter Ann arrived with her eight month old baby, Summer. My granddaughter looked gorgeous. Even at eight months she was making a real fashion statement with her bow matching her outfit. Ann put my granddaughter Summer in my mom’s lap. And there they sat, both of them smiling away.
And then a strange thing happened. All 60 grey heads in the lobby turned in unison and watched my granddaughter with her great grandmother. Ramon was momentarily forgotten. The heartthrob had been replaced. So what could the accordion player do? Of course he stepped up his game to recapture the audience. Nobody was going to steal his thunder. He started to play faster and louder as he bounced around the room desperately trying to get everyone’s attention. He played Chattanooga Choo Choo and Great Balls of Fire. Both songs were crowd pleasers and the seniors turned towards him, but then Summer would giggle and the audience turned back to her. It was like the seniors were watching a championship ping pong match. Their heads turning right and left. Ramon played his accordion faster and faster. He would crescendo and decrescendo. Everyone stared at him. Summer would answer with a coo and a gurgle and everyone would then stare at her.
Ramon’s fingers were now flying across the accordion. And then he did something he hadn’t done in years - a quadruple bellow shake. In the space of one beat he hit a note four times. It was breathtaking and everyone watched him. Summer then made a sound, “boeleebboobbaa” and everyone turned towards her. Finally Ramon decided it was time to stop fooling around. He had to establish his superiority. He had to squash Summer and once again become the King of Assisted Living. And he tried to do it by playing Bolero. That’s right, he was going for the tango! And he didn’t just play Bolero. He also grabbed one of the ladies
from her seat and somehow danced with her while keeping his accordion at full blast. Everyone was watching. And then Summer did something miraculous. She yelped, “Whoooo, whooooo” and wiggled her body as though she were dancing. Game. Set. Match. Summer had defeated Ramon. She had clearly become the Queen of Assisted Living. And Ramon had no choice but to acknowledge her superiority and decided, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” He danced over to Summer while playing You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby. All eyes were now on Summer and Ramon. But really, they were just looking at Summer. All hail the queen.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station. Answers on page 24
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August 2015
By Lily Brun
Summer Squashed If you’ve ever grown zucchini, you know it’s not for the faint of heart. Squash, and particularly zucchini, are prolific. One plant can produce more fruit than any one person can eat in a summer. And yet, knowing that, I planted eight of them. Something about seeing those beautiful orange flowers beaming at me just makes me smile. Squash blossoms are so captivating; they grab my attention like the fanfare of bright, vibrant trumpets sounding a call … a call to plant more zucchini! Beware! Don’t get drawn in to this cucurbit pepo ballyhoo. Once the fruit comes in, a nightmare ensues of how to get rid of it all. Then it’s a mad rush to parcel it out to friends, neighbors, the mailman, UPS driver, FedEx delivery guy (or girl) and even strangers on the street. I’ve even been known to ship it across country to family members. Yes, they’re still talking to me! The mailman, not so much. Fortunately, zucchini is quite
good for you - that’s the sales pitch I use as I’m throwing it out my car window at passersby on the street. “Hey there. Catch. Low in calories!” “Coming at you! More potassium than a banana!” “Heads up! Helps prevent cancer and heart disease.”
I raise a black beauty variety in unity with those hearty enough to tackle zucchi-nis every summer. Of course, if that doesn’t work, you can always just cook it … and then give it away as a gift! People are much more receptive to zucchini when it’s baked in bread or muffins or brownies or cakes. Make a tart or a lasagna; a salad or quiche. Pickle it. Stuff it. Fry it. If your dare, you can even deep fry those enticing squash blossoms which are completely edible and actually considered
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
a delicacy. There are as many recipes as there are zucchini. Our zucchini woes are sadly of our own making. The plant was brought to the Americas by Italian immigrants in the 1920s. The word squash in Italian is zucca. Should you by some chance just grow one zucchini, you would say you grew a zucchina. Hardly possible. There are, strangely, contests for the biggest … the largest on record was 69 1/2 inches long and weighed 65 pounds. The average zucchini bread recipe calls for two cups of the vegetable, which is about one pound. So, Mr. Bernard Lavery of Plymouth Devon,
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UK who grew this humongous veggies could have made 65 loaves of bread and celebrated the accomplishment on April 25, National Zucchini Bread Day! There’s a bucket list moment. The town of Obetz in Ohio hosts a four-day Zucchinifest. That’s one way to get rid of an overabundance of this member of the gourd family. Every year a new Queen reigns over all things zucchini and a parade of costumegarbed zucchini-ites marches through the streets, voices raised in harmonious tribute to this productive plant. I’m there in spirit. I raise a black beauty variety in unity with those hearty enough to tackle zucchinis every summer. Our rallying cry is: one zucchini, two zucchini, three zucchini, four … five zucchini, six zucchini, seven zucchini, more and more and more and more.
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August 2015
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I t C o u l d H app e n By Rosie Sorenson I recently read an article about a new product called “Thync,” a high-tech gadget for shaping your moods. I swear―do young men in Silicon Valley have nothing to do all day but sit around and ask themselves, “What utterly useless piece of expensive junk can we foist upon a gullible public, and in so doing, net us a billion dollars from an IPO?”
Being a glass-isalways-empty kind of gal, I can foresee bad juju at every turn. What exactly is a Thync? Well, it’s a V-shaped piece of plastic that adheres to your forehead with associated strips attached to the side of your face and neck. Just what I need―more adhesive on my face. Like I don’t have enough trouble with my Breathe Right strips, the adhesive of which is impossible to remove without lifting off a layer of skin.
Anyway. Inside the strips are sensors through which a smartphone app transmits electronic impulses to the brain by way of the cranial nerves in your face. To which I say, “Keep your cotton pickin’ pulses off my punum. (Hebrew for face.) The purpose of the pulses is to cause the wearer to either calm down, or speed up, depending on which button the wearer presses on his or her smartphone. I swear, has our effete laziness overtaken us such that we do not know how to “speed up” or “calm down” without a smartphone app? Whatever happened to jogging for an exercise high, or meditating for calmness? It seems to me we might be heading into Stepford Wives territory, becoming a nation of electronic wusses. Being a glass-is-always-empty kind of gal, I can foresee bad juju at every turn, especially if someone either has possession of your phone or wants to hack into it. Here’s what I envision: Brad attends a party in Mountain View with other
Rentals in Monterey County
A man asked to see the minister’s wife who was well known for her charity. “Mam, there is a single mom with four children who are about to be evicted unless someone pays their rent.” “How terrible!” she said. “Who are you?” The visitor answered “I’m the landlord.”
20-something hipsters, all wearing fashionable black plastic glasses frames, plaid shirts and skinny jeans. All are wearing a Thync, each person lost in his/ her own private world of moodmanipulation, barely noticing fellow party-goers. Brad becomes bored and plops down onto the couch near Jacob who sits enveloped in his private glassyeyed reverie. Brad surreptitiously reaches over and taps Jacob’s phone, hitting the “perk up” button. Suddenly, Jacob leaps off the sofa and starts spinning like a crazy children’s top. “Oh, no,” Heather shouts in horror when she notices Jacob’s contorted crimson face, his arms and legs flailing in a lousy imitation of the funky chicken
dance. “What’s happening to Jacob?” Jacob collapses to the floor, knocks over wine glasses perched on a nearby coffee table. Horrified at this scene, Brad shoots up and pivots to leave. All eyes in the room, narrowed with suspicion, focus on him. Feeling their scorn scorching his plaid-shirted back, he swivels and says, “Uh, not me, nuh-uh. I had nothing to . . . ” The group, as if one organism, moves toward him. Feeling cornered, Brad drops his shoulders, sighs and rips the sensors from his stubbled face. “I . . . I just thought . . . Well, I guess I didn’t think.” Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT is an awardwinning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com Visit www.zazzle.com/theyhadmeatmeow to order original greeting cards, t-shirts, mugs, etc.
August 2015
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What’s that hotty reading?
on the
FOOL
CURB
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This issue we needed to ask those really tough questions that leave us tossing and turning in the night. So, naturally, we had to go to BookWorks Cafe in Pacific Grove to consult our community’s social sages on the subjects that sully our own silly situations.
Q1: Why do Banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? Q2: What are grape nuts? Are there really grape nuts in the cereal? Q3: What is the ingredient that makes Lucky Charms magically delicious? Heidi S. Q1 Answer: Because it is a lot harder to steal a door. Q2 Answer: Crunchy and delicious and yes. Q3 Answer: Little bits of leprechauns? They’re made of marshmellows, I think that’s it.
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The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The Lady Mosquito You will never see a mosquito Eating a bean burrito In a drought or in a flood She wold rather suck your blood And thereby spread malaria Throughout the entire area How can a bug so tiny Outmonster Frankensteiny? Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
Alexandria S. Q1 Answer: Because the customers aren’t aware that those pens are the keys to the bank vaults. You either chain up the pen or the customer finds out that the pen fits in the keyhole and opens up the vault! Q2 Answer: Grape nuts are nuts that taste like grapes. Or are nuts that look like grapes. So, it’s not really about the hybrid of grapes and nuts, I don’t really know if they’re around. Q3 Answer: Sugar! And meth. It gets really sugary at the bottom of the box and you don’t know what else in there...I mean does cocaine even have a smell or taste? You think those kids are just on a sugar high? Johann S. Q1 Answer: Because they want us to trust them, but they don’t trust us. Q2 Answer: It’s basically wheat. (But what comes to mind?) I’m not going there. Q3 Answer: Sugar and diabetes. Ted Q1 Answer: Because it’s just an illustration of what’s going on in the inside, you think you’re getting one thing but actually there is another thing going on, it contradicts. Doors wide open, but the pens chained. Q2 Answer: It’s just a way to sell a product...again, you’re not getting what you’re looking for, grape nuts don’t exist, it’s just to pull you into it. I mean, you wouldn’t call it gravel bits, like what it actually tastes like, people don’t want to pick up pieces of gravel and eat them, so you call them grape nuts. It’s worked for decades. Q3 Answer: Sugar. Lucy Q1 Answer: Because they want your money and they want to keep their pens. Q2 Answer: Grape nuts are actually cereal pieces that are shaped like grape seeds. And yes. They are in the cereal. Q3 Answer: Well, it comes from leprechauns.
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Buying a Car
January 2014
by Rex Keyes One of the most difficult decisions we make in life is buying a car. There are so many carmakers and types of vehicles it can be mind boggling. Also from SUVs to cars, there are so many options that one can spend thousands on and never use. Consider the following a guide and do not let those slick car salesmen talk you into spending money on items you’ll very rarely use. First I’d like to mention SUVs. A lot of them come with four -wheel drive. Unless you live in Alaska or in snow country how often are you going to use it? Take for instance a Ford Explorer. You can get it in two-wheel drive, saving a couple of thousand dollars that you can spend at Starbucks. And being two-wheel drive it is lighter and gets more miles per gallon. So if you do not live in the outback check up on two-wheel drive SUVs. The next item one tries to decide on is the color of their vehicle. Black is about the worst color there is. It is very difficult to keep clean and shows up dirt very easily. Try and avoid black at all costs. If you have to have it then here are some helpful hints. If you have kids and they use the car, have them wash it once a week. Always park the car in the garage and have a feather duster handy to wipe it every day. Good luck on black!! Next is whether to buy a four door which is called a sedan or a two door which is known as a coupe. Sedans are the most popular car. The only reason to buy a sedan is if you have a bunch of kids you drop off and pick up
at school every day. It is easier for them to get in and out of the car with those back doors. Coupes are cheaper, lighter and look a lot sportier. Go for a coupe.
Save yourself a grand and use an old fashion device they call a map. The day of the stick shift is practically gone. Just about everyone now drives an automatic. And who can blame them. Most traffic now is stop and go with all the traffic congestion. But there is one big advantage to buying a stick shift. If you want to buy a sports car and you don’t want everyone else in the family driving it, then buy a stick shift, because no one will be asking to borrow it since they don’t know how to drive it. Finally there is the costly option of buying a navigation package. The question is how often do you go to someplace that you have never been before? Save yourself a grand and use an old fashion device they call a map for the few times a year you might travel to some unknown place. Enjoy driving while you can because the near future is automation. A car will take you anywhere you want while you text, Skype and talk on the cell phone. Goodbye driving, hello Robbie the Robot!
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor reads his chart, he discovers this poor guy has tried everything modern medicine has to offer! “Listen I suffer from migraines too,” says the Doc. “When they occur, I go home and soak in the bathtub for a while. Then I have my wife give me a sponge bath and run water over my head. This helps a little. Immediately after the bath I make love to her. Almost always, the headache goes away. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.” Six weeks later, the patient returns. “I took your advice and it worked! I’ve had migraines for 17 years, and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!” “Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.” “By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”
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Anything Goes
By Ted Gargiulo Readers old enough to remember when “a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking” will understand where I’m coming from. I was never a prude when it came to female attire. Time was when I fancied myself a radical, a proponent of social reform and sexual freedom. At least that’s how I came across on paper, probably because it sounded fashionable in those days. Alas, I perceive now that the world’s values have evolved a lot faster than I have, leading me to think that maybe I’m the one who’s repressed. The problem with women’s fashion today, simply stated, is that no one is shocked anymore. Used to be, most women kept their property in reserve, more or less. On rare occasions when they accidentally let their guard down in public, they had enough decorum to feign embarrassment…even when the alleged “malfunction” wasn’t entirely accidental. To this oldtimer, that veneer of modesty and restraint seems oddly appealing in retrospect. Nowadays, “anything goes.” There are no accidents. There is no restraint. Garments have become shorter, skimpier, more obvious, nearly transparent. Limbs, body parts and underthings are flaunted deliberately, flagrantly, in one’s face, with little finesse or subtlety. Bo-o-o-rring! Think of fashion as theater. Audiences don’t attend a performance of Oedipus Rex to discover what happens. They already KNOW the end from the
beginning. What draws them back into the arena again and again is the experience of seeing the mystery tastefully and skillfully unveiled. Take it from a reformed bad-boy: anticipation is as crucial to an experience as the experience itself, maybe more so. And I, for one, miss that anticipation.
Audiences don’t attend a performance of Oedipus Rex to discover what happens. For that reason, I maintain that gift wrap is often more precious than the actual gift, insofar as it masks the shape of said contents, suggesting a texture and quality more enchanting than the comparatively humdrum merchandise contained within. Wrapping whets the recipient’s appetite, forces him to wait, prolongs the suspense, forestalls the reward…or letdown, as the case may be. (Sorry if that sounds demeaning or ungrateful, but we’ve all had some fizzle-down surprises in our lifetime, haven’t we?) Not that it matters what this opinionated old fart likes or dislikes. But for the record, my personal advice for ladies wishing to impress me is to keep me guessing. Whatever you possess, whatever you’re concealing—assuming, of course, that you possess something worth concealing—don’t reveal it all at
once. Begin small: modest attire, subtle mannerisms, intimations of things hoped for, of pleasures not yet seen. Proceed slowly. In the words of the Bard, “The play’s the thing.” Give me time to savor the drama. Let me nurture the mystery. The trick is to suggest without declaring, to whisper without shouting, without ever raising your voice… to tease me into thinking that you’re concealing a prize I haven’t already seen hundreds of times, even though I have. In short, you need to humor this fuddy-duddy. Don’t begin at “ground zero.” Instead, work
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your way there slowly, tastefully. Less is more. If you show me your cream filling before I’ve tasted the chocolate icing, you’ll ruin the effect, and I’ll lose interest. Because, you see, keeping the payoff at arm’s length as long as possible is what the game is about, or so it used to be.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
Dog Days of Summer … Woof! Answers on pg 24
Labrador Bulldog Dachshund Collie Shepherd Retriever Beagle Terrier Poodle Boxer Rottweiler Husky Doberman Great Dane Schnauzer ShihTzu Spaniel Pomeranian Sheepdog Corgi
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August 2015
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By Chuck Shepherd
Too Cute! • Marking Japan’s latest unfathomable social trend, two paperback photo books—both consisting only of portraits of the rear ends of hamsters—have experienced surprising and stillgrowing printing runs. Japanese society has long seemed easily captured by anything considered “kawaii” (or “cute”), according to a May Wall Street Journal dispatch, and a representative of one book’s publisher called his volume “delightfully cute.” “I can’t stop smiling,” he said, “when I see these butts.” The two books in print are “Hamuketsu” (hamster buttocks) and “Hamuketsu—So Cute You Could Faint.” A third, “The Original Hamuketsu,” was set to debut in June.
Recurring Themes
• Another driver died after being unable to dodge his own vehicle. A 58-year-old man was hit by his SUV in New York City in June after he double-parked and was opening the door on the passenger side and realized that the vehicle was still in reverse gear. He tried to jam one foot onto the brake but hit the gas instead, causing the car to jump backward, ejecting him, and pinning him between the SUV and a van parked alongside. The man suffered a heart attack and died as his vehicle broke free and drifted across the busy Manhattan intersection of Madison Avenue
and East 49th Street. • Dead or just in “deep meditation”? A renowned Hindu guru, Shri Ashutosh Maharaj, in his 70s, passed away in January (so concluded police in Jalandhar, India), but His Holiness’ disciples have refused to release the body, keeping it in a commercial freezer, contending that he has merely drifted into the deeper form of the meditation for which he is well-known—and will return to life when he is ready. (The guru’s religious order, not coincidentally, is a real estate powerhouse in the Punjab region and on nearly every continent, and the guru’s family is certain the “meditation” is a ruse to allow the Ashram’s continued control of the financial empire.) • After the U.S. Postal Service finalizes its purchase of “smallarms ammunition,” it will become only the most recent federal agency to make a large purchase of bullets for its armed agents (who are perhaps more numerous than the public realizes). In the last year or so, reports have surfaced that the Social Security Administration ordered 174,000 hollow-point bullets, the Department of Agriculture 320,000 rounds, Homeland Security 450 million rounds (for its 135,000 armed agents), the FBI 100 million hollow-points, and even the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration 46,000 rounds. (In May, the Department of Agriculture added
• Unclear on the Concept: Robert Kiefer, 25, was arrested in Akron, Ohio, in February after losing his composure over an expected check that had not yet arrived in the mail. Rather than complain to the check issuer, Kiefer did as several others have done in News of the Weird’s experience—attack the letter carrier. Kiefer peppersprayed the postman (with his own canister that he carries for protection), and in the ensuing struggle, bit the carrier on the leg. • Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, tracking down a call about a missing 3-year-old boy downtown, managed to locate him in the type of place where other toddlers have turned up after briefly escaping the sight of their parents: inside a toy vending machine. The boy had crawled up through the toyrelease slot of the Bear Claw and was safely, joyously playing among the bin of colorful stuffed animals at Madsen’s Bowling & Billiards. • In the second such incident reported here in four months, an overenthusiastic police officer handcuffed and detained a firefighter working a 9-1-1 call, ostensibly because the firefighter refused to stop work and go move his fire truck to the officer’s satisfaction. Like the earlier incident in California, the unequivocal state law in Louisiana makes it illegal for anyone to interfere with a firefighter on an emergency call, and the officer from the New Roads, La., Police Department in principle faces a stiff fine and possible jail sentence. • Orthodox Judaism requires a divorcing spouse to obtain the permission of the other via a document called a “get,” leaving much power in the hands of the responding spouse—and leading to an occasional resort to
trickery or violence to persuade an uncooperative spouse. In May, Lakewood, N.J., Rabbi Mendel Epstein, his son and three other men were indicted for scheming to use electric cattle prods on behalf of wives against recalcitrant husbands. (Four other men in the alleged scheme have already pleaded guilty.) According to prosecutors, Rabbi Epstein has been implicated in other over-thetop efforts to obtain gets, in 2009 and 2010, and the indictment charges the 2013 episode also involved kidnapping, surgical blades and a screwdriver. • Emergency crews in the U.K. once again came under criticism in June when dozens of police and firefighters, in three trucks and using a cherry-picker, blocked off a busy street in Cheltenham for an hour so they could rescue and release a bird (a “rook”) caught in netting on top of a small apartment building. (Bonus irony: The building’s owner had installed the keepaway netting for the sole purpose of discouraging rooks from roosting and nesting, as they were soiling neighborhood rooftops.)
Updates
• An historic, decades-old snit ended in May in the state of Tabasco, Mexico, where two men (now in their 70s) who were the very last living speakers of their village’s Ayapaneco language resumed talking to each other, and through the efforts of Stanford University anthropologist James Fox, their language may now be sufficiently recorded for a preserved historical record. The cause of their falling out was not reported. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
If You Love Me, Let Me Go I used to think my daughter loved me, and then she introduced me to Plants vs. Zombies. If you don’t know what that is: keep it that way! Do not google it, do not download it onto your tablet or cellphone. This is my John Connor attempt to prevent you from falling into your own demise! Unlike me, you can change your future. Save yourself. Allow me to elaborate. My fiveyear-old said one day: Mommy can you help with this level? Then she gave me the puppy stare. I
couldn’t say no, even though I was in the middle of some work, I stopped to aid my child in need. That is what mothers do; help their kids when they are struggling in life. Like any other drug, you think to yourself this is harmless, kind of fun even.
Zombies with helmets and traffic cones on their heads! You use those cute little plants to defend your brain (which is an oxymoron). There’s a little corn
282 High Street, Monterey guy that throws butter to the zombies to slow them down, then a plant spits fire, then the cabbage guy has a mean left hook, 1-2-3 zombies getting knocked out, then the peas are shooting, the zombies are losing limbs, they’re trying to get you, then the heavy hitters show up! Zombies with helmets and traffic cones on their heads! Do you know how hard it is to kill a zombie with a helmet?! No you don’t, you don’t know the struggle, you don’t know the life I live, you don’t know me! Then suns stop showing up and you need the suns for your plants to grow, the zombies are multiplying, and they eat your plants one by one, the horror. Can I call the plant national guard?! Then they eat the brain and life as you know it is over. Your world goes dark and there is nothing you can do about it (tap, tap, tap)… Except! you hit the restart button and your countdown for
•
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self-destruction begins. The game should be called crack-cocaine for the brain; there should be a warning label: do not play if you have an addictive personality! I am sharing my much-too-sadto-be-told story because my tablet died and I can’t find the charger.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
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August 2015
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Why did the chicken cross Del Monte? To get new tires and an alignment!
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Dental Hygiene Tips
• Maintaining 32 teeth is time consuming; focus on your favorite 10 • If you’re too lazy to move a toothbrush up and down, an electric toothbrush is just for you • If you wear dentures, avoid overnight soaking in Coke
• Brush up and down and avoid violent stabbing motions • To reduce wear on your teeth, eat soft foods like ice cream and cake frosting • Dentists have the perception they are the only ones who can provide dental care • Use your common sense
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.” A. Britney Spears B. Frank Zappa 2. “For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” A. Johnny Carson B. Benjamin Franklin 3. “English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.” A. Garrison Keillor B. Nikita Khrushchev 4. “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” A. Helen Keller B. Laurence J. Peter 5. “Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.” A. William Howard Taft B. W. C. Fields 6. “The Human Race has improved everything except the Human Race.” A. Adlai Stevenson B. Napoleon Bonaparte 7. “When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” A. Pope Benedict XVI B. Quentin Crisp 8. “You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.” A. Drew Carey B. Robert Frost Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-B 6-A 7-B 8-A Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Clingy 5-6 Well-endowed 3-4- Moronic 1-2- Elvis impersonator 0- Flatulent Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
A frantic Real Estate agent calls a plumber, “Please you have to help. I’m having a gathering at my home tonight with special clients and when I try to turn the faucet on, it makes this horrible noise and the water just dribbles out.” When the plumber arrives, he turns the faucet and it makes a horrible noise and the water just dribbles out. He turns the faucet off and bends down to look under the sink. He opens his tool box and grabs a large wrench. He hits the pipe really hard with the side of the wrench. He puts the wrench back in the tool box and tells the agent to turn the faucet on. It works perfectly. “Oh thank you! What do I owe you.?” “That will be $600.” “What?! That’s highway robbery! I am a Real Estate agent, and I don’t make that much for five minutes! The plumber answered, “Neither did I when I was a Real Estate agent.”
Foolish Search
Answers from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
CHIMNEY SWEEPER Protect your home! A clean chimney is a safe chimney. 40 years experience. Quick response. 831.402.2273 tandtcleanup.webs.com
HANDYMAN Bob
CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
831.717.7917
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.595.7773
DOG SITTING & WALKING
CERAMICS
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
10th Street Ceramics
Enjoy a summer project for you and your kids. Ready to paint projects. All Ages. 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com
PLUMBING
CHRISTIAN APPAREL
A and R Plumbing
Come As You Are Christian Store
Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium
Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff. 831.372.3474
theultimateaquarium.net
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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August 2015
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Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
Smarter Than You Think Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “18 feet, six inches,” and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
One Smart Blonde A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. “What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn three blondes upsidedown? A: Two brunettes. Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer? A: “ I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...”
Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite rock group? A: Air Supply.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locked the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws? A. Practice Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. How do blond brain cells die? A. Alone.
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August 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
Every Friday & Saturday In August
August 21
Sand City West End Kick Off Party
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy club. Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
Through August
YAC’s Summer Art Show
Come see the new work of the YACsters who pulled off a 24 hour art marathon. www.yacstudios.org
August 10-16
Elvis Week
For those of you who will not be making the pilgrimage to Memphis, you can still honor him by watching one of his movies or dancing and singing along to his songs. He’s Elvis, enough said! www.graceland.com
After years of paying his dues on a small stage nestled in the front window at JJ’s in San Jose, he took his guitar on the road and the world welcomed him. Chris Cain brings solid guitar based blues to Sand City. westendcelebration.com
August 1
National Girlfriend Day Fear not guys, this has nothing to do with you. Today honors lady friends who are there for their lady friends. A perfect day to schedule a mani-pedi with your best gal pals and talk smack about men.
A chance to see some of the more beautiful, rare, unique and sometimes ugly cars of the world. Concours D’ Elegance is a fitting closing of the week. montereycarweek.com
National Hug Your Boss Day
August 9
Seaside’ Sunday Blues in the Park This fabulous music series ends today with local favs Red Beans and Rice. www.seaside.ca.us
National Tooth Fairy Day
Anyone who can make a dollar bill magically appear under your pillow deserves a special day in her honor.
Sand City West End Celebration
First Friday Art Walk
Always something special with artist receptions, live music and performance hosted by the merchants of Oldtown. www.artistasunidos.org
August 22
August 22-23
August 7
August 14-29
Fiddler on the Roof
A unique opportunity to see this grown–up classic performed by the talented actors at ARIEL Theater. arieltheatrical.org
Jewish Food Festival
Pastrami, corned beef, latkes, blintzes and more are worth the trip to Carmel Valley. carmelbethisrael.org
August 24
August 10
Car Week
August 23
The biggest street party with over 100 artists, continuous music, performing art and exhibits. Sunshine, beer, wine and great eats! westendcelebration.com
August 22-23
Turkish Festival
For two days Turkish arts and culture are front and center at Custom House plaza. www.turkfestca.org
Set aside your frustrations and show your boss a little appreciation with a hug. Make sure to first check all company HR codes – thoroughly.
August 28
National Daffodil Day
These bright yellow flowers are a symbol of awareness to fund and fight cancer. www.cancer.org
August 30
Books in Bloom
A lunch date with bestselling author, Vanessa Diffenbaugh as she talks about her new novel, “We Never Asked for Wings”. www.mplfriends.com
August 2015
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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
27
WESTEND TE
Come Alive!
AUGUST 21,22,23 Friday, Saturday & Sunday Free 2015
>
sand city’s 14th annual
celebration.com
The Streets of Sand City
FRIDAY, AUG. 21
Raising Cain PART II
The Legendary Chris Cain Kaye Bohler & LZB Band Fundraiser-$20/$25 7pm
SATURDAY, AUG. 22
The California Honeydrops 4:00pm Red Beans & Rice 2:30pm Ry Bradley 1:15pm Jim Lewin & Edge of theWest 11:45am Guitars Not Guns Band 11:00am SUNDAY, AUG. 23
Mike Beck 3:30pm
Celebrate
Fire in the Hamptons2:00pm The Cerny Brothers 1:00pm Jackie Bistrow 12:00pm
The Power of
ART
Special Attractions:
Sat. 11am-5pm & Sun. 12noon-5pm OPEN STUDIOS & Pop Up ART EXHIBITIONS Bronze Pour • Pottery Making • Plein Air Walking Heads & Carpetbag Brigade Stilters Tiny House Exhibition
KPIG’s
Sunday, 10AM-12NOON
“Please Stand By” LIVE Sunday Morning
KPIG’S nationally syndicated “PLEASE STAND BY” LIVE
10AM-12NOON
PLEASE USE THE SERVICES PROVIDED BY:
MST Trolly Green Pedal Bike Valet Offset Project
!
Green Pedal Couriers
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