January 2016
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New Year If 2015 was a person I'd sue for pain, suffering & lost wages
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fool............................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, Sy Rosen, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
2016 has arrived and we’re all going to be better for it. It’s time to wipe the slate clean and put 2015 in the rear view mirror. One of the changes I want to make is to get out from under my desk and meet new people. This is the year I experience crazy face-toface. Crazy comes in all shapes, sizes and degrees. It usually manifests at the most inopportune time. There is situational, environmental, hereditary, gender and too many hits to the head crazy. Some people take it to levels beyond professional crazy while most of us populate the amateur ranks. I’ve been called crazy although I’m probably better described by my friends as “a little off” and “not all there.” That’s just polite fair warning to others who may not know how unpredictable I can be. This year, crazy is the new normal like orange was the new black. Crazy isn’t mean or dangerous and it’s not necessarily a bad thing; it’s just crazy! So when your friends tell you that you’re crazy, thank them and wear it as a badge of honor.
At the end of last month, I was up in the morning putting the final touches on Foolish Times before going to press. I had the TV on as background noise. It was early - so early that my choices were QVC, a neverending series of product selling shows or old, really old movies on the SyFy channel. I chose that. The production values of movies like The Valley of Gwangi, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers or One Million Years BC are charmingly simple, bordering on foolish. So, I, of course, thoroughly enjoyed them. They made me laugh - even though they’re not comedies - but they also made me reflect on and appreciate the creative spirit behind them. The stories seem silly now, but they made the implausible seem plausible. What a gift! Happy 2016. Make the implausible happen!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Happy New Year.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?” Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot.” Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?” Husband: “I’m just kidding!” *** Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. *** A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that.
My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.” *** This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
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*** After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?” *** Anyone who says their wedding days was the best day of their life, has obviously never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after an operation at CHOMP, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. He murmured to her, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.” Just say no to drugs. They make you say things you will regret!
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
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DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
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died of a heart attack following two “doctor’s decision” hospital releases, and her husband’s wrongful-death lawsuit against Stutts and others reached a settlement in 2005.
But Lawyering Couldn’t Be Very Difficult
World’s Greatest Lawyer By Chuck Shepherd
Hard-Hitting Numbers • In March, offensive lineman John Urschel of the Baltimore Ravens added to his curriculum vitae by co-authoring the latest of his several peer-reviewed academic articles—“A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector of Graph Laplacians” in the Journal of Computational Mathematics. If Urschel can understand, and even advance, tangled, obtuse formulas (which use familiar numbers, e.g., 1, 2, 3, and Greek letters such as phi, lambda, and sigma—lots of sigmas), why is he a football player, he asked himself on the Players Tribune website. “There’s a rush you get when you go out on the field . . . and physically dominate the player across from you.” He added, “I love hitting people.”
Great Art • The National Gallery of Australia hosted a special series of tours of “James Turrell: A Retrospective” in early April -- in which all guests were nude. The tours were staged by Australian artist Stuart Ringholt, who introduced the concept earlier at the Museum of Contemporary Art (and was nude, himself, for the Turrell show, though other gallery staff remained clothed). The post-tour cocktail reception was also in the nude. • The Australian “abstract expressionist” Aelita Andre began painting “professionally” at age 9 months, said her parents,
and by 22 months had her own exhibit at Melbourne’s Brunswick Street gallery, and by age 4, the paintbrush-armed toddler had enjoyed a $24,000 sale. She has now also distinguished herself as an “artist” of another type while explaining her approach. In April, the now-8-year-old told News. com.au, “I interpret my style of painting as a magic, abstract universe. It doesn’t sit in one tiny sphere in all realism; it goes out and it explores the world.” She acknowledged seeing things (e.g., “rabbits”) that an 8-year-old might, but pointed out that she also sees “the cosmos.” “I just feel free. I don’t feel locked up in a tiny world.”
Perspective Newly elected Alabama state Sen. Larry Stutts, in one of his first actions in office, introduced a bill to repeal “Rose’s Law,” a 1999 legislation that, had it been on the books the year before, might have saved the life of new mother Rose Church, whose doctor was OB/GYN Larry Stutts. Rose’s Law gave new mothers a legal right to remain hospitalized for up to 96 hours after birth, depending on circumstances, but the new senator calls that right just another “Obamacare-style law” in which legislators in Montgomery intrude into doctors’ decisions. (Stutts also proposed to repeal the requirement for written cautions to patients whose mammograms show unusual density.) Though her daughter survived, Rose
• A man in Mios, France, fired from his job several years ago, and who had been receiving unemployment benefits, suddenly found himself being dunned by the national labor agency when a tribunal finally ruled in the employer’s favor and ordered the man’s benefits paid back. The agency ordered the man’s current employer to garnishee his paycheck of the equivalent of $160-$210 per week—until, according to a March report on Paris’s The Local, he hired a certain (unnamed) lawyer. The labor agency’s new order requires the current employer, instead, to garnishee the pay by 1 centime
• Kimberly Kitchen, 45, was a successful estate lawyer in Huntington, Pennsylvania, with more than 30 clients for the BMZ Law firm (so successful in her 10-year career that she had just been promoted to partner and had served as president of the local bar association) with but one complication—that in December she was finally revealed not to be a lawyer at all. Her diploma, bar exam results, and other documents were forgeries, according to the Pennsylvania attorney general’s office, which filed charges in March. Thanks This Week to Ken Lilly and Gerald Davidson, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd, distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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ASK SY
By Sy Rosen
Okay I admit it. I’m an advice column fanatic. I used to love reading Dear Abby and Ann Landers. Did you know in real life they were feuding sisters? You probably did but I thought I’d mention it anyway. Lately I’ve noticed that some advice columnists are getting more sarcastic and nasty. I therefore decided to start my own advice column dealing with stereotypes and attitudes toward older people. I will give my advice wisely, kindly and with great compassion (or maybe not). Dear Sy, I hate being around older people. They give me the creeps. I think it’s because I have a deep seated fear that one day I too will be old. At least I am being honest. Do these feelings make me a bad person? — Fear of Aging Dear Fear of Aging, Yes, it makes you a bad person and an idiot.
Dear Sy, I find it sad and pathetic when old people try to act younger, using slang words like dude and man. And talking like they know about hip hop and rap. Why don’t they just accept their age and leave being young to the young? — The Rapper Dear Rapper, You’re an idiot, man. Dear Sy, Is it just my imagination or do old people smell funny? — The Nose Knows Dear Nose Knows, It’s your imagination and you’re an idiot. Dear Sy, Lately I’ve noticed that my father who lives by himself is forgetting where he left his car keys. And sometimes he can’t remember the name of a movie or an actor in it. I’m worried he’s getting Alzheimer’s and I should
January 2016 put him into a nursing home now so he won’t become a burden. — Worried Son
I think I am right, what do you think? —Distraught Daughter
Dear Worried Son, Forgetting your car keys or the name of a movie is perfectly normal. I’m not worried about your father but I am worried about you. You sound like an idiot.
Dear Distraught Daughter, First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I think it’s okay for your father to be dating again and I don’t think a six year age difference is that big a deal. I also think you are acting like an idiot.
Dear Sy, My elderly neighbor keeps repeating himself every time I see him in the hallway. Yakety-yak, yakety-yak. It is driving me crazy. What can I do about it? — Annoyed Neighbor Dear Annoyed Neighbor, Try to be sympathetic. Maybe he keeps repeating himself because he’s afraid you didn’t understand him the first time because you’re an idiot. Dear Sy, My 82-year-old father is dating a woman who is in her 70s. First of all I think it’s way too soon for him to be dating, my mother just passed away eight years ago. And I think it’s repulsive that he is dating someone who is six years younger than he is. I don’t want to let this new woman in my house.
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Dear Sy, Here’s a hypothetical question that’s been on my mind. I say if there’s a catastrophe and you can either save two 70 year olds or one 25 year old you should save the 25 year old because he has more years left to live than the two old people combined. What do you think? —The Philosopher Dear Philosopher I have a question. Why are you thinking about this stuff? You sound like an idiot and that’s not hypothetical.
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IDIOSYNCRASIES by Rex Keyes Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! It is January and everything is back to normal, whatever normal is. So let’s take a look at some of the habits we have that are considered normal but can be listed under idiosyncrasies. If a person is right-handed he usually cuts his food with a knife in his right hand and a fork in his left; then he switches the fork to his right hand to eat and do this over and over while eating. So why not just leave the fork in one’s left hand and eat with it instead of switching?
It is too difficult a word to use because it has three syllables and is eleven letters long. When a person goes to eat out at a fast food place and he is given a cup to fill at the soda fountain, he usually fills it with ice, and then adds soda. By filling the cup with ice that person is only getting about half a cup of soda. Why not forget the ice and fill the cup all the way with soda? When someone drinks out of a can of soda there is no ice in the can, it is straight soda so why add ice to a cup at a fast food place? The fast food places love this habit because they make a good profit on customers that pay over a buck for soda and drink only half a cup. It used to be in the “old days” when a person was not paying attention to what he was doing one would say, like parents to their kids, “hey, concentrate on
your homework” or “concentrate on what you’re doing.” But oh no, the word “concentrate” is out of date. It is too difficult a word to use because it has three syllables and is eleven letters long. We now use a two syllable, and five letter word in it’s place, and that word is focus. It is used for just about everything, “focus on your job, focus on your homework, and focus on your relationship,” etc., etc., etc. Prior to modern communication options, like texting, a person while driving could easily wait ‘til they arrived at their destination to communicate with others, like making a phone call. But now, communicating by texting while driving is of utmost importance. The chances are that if the car ahead of you at a traffic light doesn’t move when the light turns green, the driver is texting. If you are driving down a street and the car ahead of you is weaving back and forth, the driver is probably not drunk, but texting. Texting while driving can be dangerous. In fact I saw a bumper sticker with an old time religious saying, and a modern add on, that drives home this point: “Honk if you love Jesus, text and drive if you want to meet him.” Moral to this story: “One should focus on his driving instead of texting, otherwise his cup of safety will only be half full and he may end up taking the left fork in the road instead of the right one.”
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The African Cicada This locust has destructive ways Well known to us from early days It devours all within its path Wreaking havoc in its wrath Although under no delusion I have come to this conclusion The African Cicada Really shouldn’t oughta. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it
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Hoo-Wee! You Should See The Conditions Disney Made For Making The New Star Wars
By Roger Freed The independent exposé website Wakileaks has gotten hold of the original contractual agreement the Disney Corporation demanded that Director Abrams agree to before filming the new, highly anticipated and already over-hyped Star Wars movie. Wakileaks then leaked it out to us, the rabid Star Wars film fanatics who were waiting with baited breath and fanged teeth for it’s December 18 release. Highest on the list was there had to be a love story inherent in the plot; a device Disney has used ad nauseam since it began making feature length films in the 40s (with the exception of Old Yeller, Tron, a couple of its cartoons and that Living Desert film from the 60s.) For this latest installment in the series, Abrams chose to have the black storm trooper be infatuated with a Bantha (the huge beasts of burden from the very first film with the curly-cue horns), which definitely will add a new twist to things (perhaps twisted would be more like it). Second, there must be a ridiculously silly creature as a sidekick as there has been in every Disney film since Sleeping Beauty. In this seventh film, outing that part will be taken by that idiotic looking droid seen in the ads that looks like a double-dipped vanilla caramel ice cream cone minus the cone. It resembles a cheap Chinese knock off of R2D2 minus a few parts. A third clause is that all the original characters from the first film must be dredged up and prettified for a reappearance no matter what condition the last 30
odd years has left them in. Leia, Luke, Solo, Chewbacca (he should have bald spots by now) and the two droids are all in the show. You would think the two robots would be rusted tight like the Tin Man was when Dorothy found him in the beginning of the Wizard of Oz movie. The fourth clause insists that the movie be promoted shamelessly on every venue and product possible within the known world. The endless “sneak peeks” Yahoo has provided us with for the entire past year-anda-half have been so overdone that they have enabled the most devoted Sci Fi fans to actually piece together their own version of the movie and release it in China two months ahead of time. Virtually every sports game, every movie theater and every magazine possible has been having their own little “Star Wars Moments” to ram down our goggle-eyed consumer throats. The fifth clause you have probably already guessed is the endless merchandise marketing. There has been and there will be for perhaps the whole next two generations enough Star Wars memorabilia for fans to make their own private planet if they could somehow catapult it all out into space. Plastic manufacturers in China are rejoicing. You will not only not be able to get the theme music out of your head; it will be implanted in your brain via every television ad, radio show, department store background music, elevator muzak and overly loud iPod that you come across. There is even
a secret agreement between the highest level of the Disney Corporation and the world’s biggest pharmaceutical companies to have it embedded in most of the medicinal pills that you ingest, to be made audible when it reaches your eardrum via the blood system. Of course, there must be bad guys. That won’t be hard in the Star Wars universe what with thousands of planets to choose from, some of them teeming with evil creatures just itching to get off their rock and go bumming through other galaxies sharing their mayhem. Rumor has it Disney is sneaking Maleficent in
January 2016
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it as the first female Sith Lord and the big, bad wolf from Pinocchio just to prop up their old movies. Also JarJar Binks will be making a cameo as the first trans-gender bad person in the series (he’s not only gone over to the dark side but over to the feminine side as well). As it is in the Disney world, the Dark Side of The Force cannot be too dark. In this film there can be no hand-cutting-offs, no Tauntaun disembowelments, no sneaky Greedo-shooting-under-the-table, no Gamorrean guard munching by giant Rancors, no Jabba the Hut strangling, and no Darth Maul cutting in half. Everything has to be as clean as a Sunday school floor and as nice, which, quite personally, really ruins it for me. It looks like Abrams had a tall order ahead of him. Go see what he does with it. Or doesn’t do. May the Force of Marketing be with you!
On New Year’s Eve, Sarah stood up in the Crown & Anchor and yelled, “It’s time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, I want every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.” In the end it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death. Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in from the cold and be warmed by their hospitality and humor
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January 2016
By Lily Brun
Seed by seed by seed In the dead of winter, when it’s raining … yes it’s raining in California … and dreary and cold and wet, there is no greater joy than a mail box overflowing with seed catalogs. The captivating pictures of mouthwatering fruits and vegetables bring joy to an otherwise humdrum time in the garden. A promise of things to come. That’s what these catalogs bring. And a step into the world of gardening foolishness … Mother Mary’s Pie melon seeds; Rattlesnake Snap beans seeds; Nebraska Wedding tomatoes; Bear
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Paw popcorn; Asparagus Pea; Prickly Caterpillar legume - who names these things? In the case of Mother Mary’s Pie melon seeds it was, of all things, Mother Mary. Apparently, Mother Mary, a third generation Minnesota farmer, used equal parts of melon and apple in her award-winning pie. I added the award-winning badge. It seems to me melon-apple pie should win something, even if just for its uniqueness. Anyway, if it looks and acts like an apple, beware, it could be a melon. When you plant Rattlesnake Snap beans you get light buff seeds splashed with dark brown, resembling a rattlesnake’s color.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
The vines grow 10 feet long and have a good resistance to drought. Hmmm …. not sure I want these growing in my garden. Although, the description does say they taste a little like chicken.
Anyway, if it looks and acts like an apple, beware, it could be a melon.
Need the perfect wedding gift? Nebraska Wedding tomatoes are the ultimate love apple gift, a fitting send off for the bride and groom. No, you don’t throw them at the happy couple. You give them a pack of seeds as a precursor to wedded bliss. Hopefully, a full bed of tomatoes will carry husband and wife through the rotten times. When you’re walking in the woods the last thing you want to see is bear paw prints. But the garden is a different story. Plant rows of Bear Paw corn seeds and you get famous World’s Fair movie-theater style popcorn from these unique ears … I mean paws … I mean ears … what I mean is that the ears quite often flatten and split at the silk end, giving
them the appearance of bear paws. Do they taste good? Does a bear ….. On to the Asparagus Pea which is not related to either asparagus or peas. What? A legume by any other name could be a pea but never asparagus. So what’s the story here? Apparently the seed pods of this plant have an asparagus-like flavor, or it may be that cooking the peas is best done like asparagus spears boiled or steamed every so briefly. Whatever the reason, you get a nutritional leg up with these legumes. Another oddity in the world of legumes is the Prickly Caterpillar, actually a very apt name. These narrow and twisted pods look like a caterpillar rolled up on itself. Pop them into a salad and oh what a surprise it is! Even if you’re not a gardener, paging through seed catalogs is a sure fire way to keep the winter blues at bay.
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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We welcome the new names: • Seaside Volkswagen • Seaside Fiat • Seaside Chrysler, Dodge, Ram & Jeep All located in the Seaside Auto Center
2016 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE We welcome our new members: • MYO Frozen Yogurt 840 Broadway, Seaside In the City Center next to Dickey’s Barbecue
• Monterey County Fair & Event Center 2004 Fairground Road, Monterey SeasideAutoDealers.com
Please check out a few of our various unique websites.
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DOING YOUR THING
(Badly)
By Rosie Sorenson “If a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly,” said psychologist, Dr. Mark Williams, who was recently interviewed on NPR’s Science Friday. He was talking about the benefits of meditation and the difficulty that people encounter if they feel pressure to do it “perfectly.” He described me to a “T.” My philosophy has always been that when you’re feeling run down, you just whip yourself with more chocolate and caffeine until you get those projects done! I know that’s not a good thing, but I hate taking time to stop and “meditate.” It seems so selfindulgent. And, I confess, I’m not good at it. I do not like to do things I’m not good at. Just as in high school―if I didn’t get an “A,” I regarded myself a failure.
I felt good, but what I liked even more was the permission he gave us to meditate badly. After a brief discussion of his new book, Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World, Dr. Williams offered to conduct a short meditation exercise for the listening audience. Hoorah, I’m in! Who among us couldn’t use a little more peace? After three minutes of his guidance, I became calm. This is not my typical state. I felt good,
but what I liked even more was the permission he gave us to meditate badly. At last, someone who understands me! Our minds can wander, we can fidget, we can get bored, but hey―that’s OK! I’ve meditated a few times since then, but I must say I still haven’t grokked the emphasis on “Being in the Moment.” I think the only reason for the existence of “The Present Moment” is to do silly things, which become “The Past” as soon as you do them, thus providing funny material to write about in “The Future.” But that’s just me . . . My chaotic childhood rendered me a hyper-vigilant adult, which I now realize is the enemy of “The Mindful.” My pain, however, is your gain. I’m the person in whose company you wish to be when there’s an emergency. I’m the one you want to sit next to on a plane when it’s hijacked by terrorists. You see, I’m constantly squirreling away bits of information about how to deal with scary events. A mid-flight attack, for instance. Here are some helpful tips: 1) Keep a sock filled with quarters in your carry-on bag. You can ease it through security, and if the need arises later, you can hit a terrorist in the head with it and drive him to his knees. 2) Roll up an in-flight magazine, nice and tight, then shove it into the offender’s solar plexus. That’ll make him wish he’d stayed home and watched American Idol.
3) I’ve come up with a third method, which I haven’t yet had a chance to try out, but it goes like this: Take off your clothes and walk naked down the aisle toward the terrorists, while at the same time singing “Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies.” Since it’s easier to sing than “The Star Spangled Banner,” others will be encouraged to chime in. The terrorists will be so stunned by this unusual display of patriotism that they will be easily overcome by passengers wielding rolled-up magazines and socks full of quarters. You’ll thank me later.
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Now, if you will excuse me, I must lie down and meditate. Just thinking about a hijacking has gotten me all verklempt. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www. theyhadmeatmeow.com
I’ll remember 2015 like it was yesterday.
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January 2016
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A Palate of Car By Debbie
HORN HONKS
While most people who stay up until midnight on December 31 like to ring in the New Year, some folks honk theirs in. I don’t mind. It’s much safer than shooting off a gun and less startling than firecrackers. Besides, it’s nice to hear horns being used in a way I understand completely, in celebration. On most other occasions, the reason for a horn honking isn’t so clear. The communication is fuzzy. I’ve read that self-driving cars are having problems out on the streets mingling with cars driven by humans and I think the problem is communication. Human drivers look at each other to get clues as to how to drive defensively. If drivers are going to let you merge in front of them, they may nod or gesture indicating it’s safe for you to proceed. If you see that another driver doesn’t see you and may plow into you, you respond defensively, probably by honking your horn. That can be only somewhat helpful. Car horns have a limited range. You can do a short “toot” to get someone’s attention, a
“few-seconds honk” to indicate someone needs to pause texting and look at the road, and a “mashing-on-the horn” honk that indicates that a major infraction has occurred and/or road rage is in progress. Still, that doesn’t seem to be enough because we can misinterpret horn honks. Sometimes a short “toot” means the driver saw a friend on the street and wants to be seen by that person. So two friends are having a brief reunion on the street and I’m looking around trying to figure out if I’m going to hit someone. There has to be a better way.
Instead of a horn button, we could have a Ronco horn panel that offers a variety of honking verbal messages. In the 70s, there was a Ronco product, a microphone that hooked up to a radio so the speaker could broadcast a
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
message through the radio. It worked with all radios, even those in cars. The advertisement for that product showed teenage boys driving around a neighborhood saying things into the microphone that were heard all over the area. In the commercial, a young, white male teenager with a curly Afro hairdo says, “Hey good looking, we’ll be back to pick you up later!” I don’t think that product was very successful - for some reason. What could go wrong with teenagers broadcasting uncensored messages through suburban neighborhoods? But let’s tweak this idea and expand our horn honking capabilities a bit. Instead of a horn button, we could have a Ronco horn panel that offers a variety of honking verbal messages broadcasting from the car. Under the “toot” category, we could have options for the horn to say, “Hi, good to see you!” “Pay attention
now,” “Keep moving.” Or for an apology, “Sorry, that was a bone-head move.” (Be sure to smile sheepishly with that one.) You might have to repeat the apology if other drivers are really annoyed. With a regular honk, it could say “Stop rubbernecking,” “Do you see me?” or “Your lack of driving ability scares me.” The long honk could have the options “You’re not the only one on the road!” “What in the hell was that maneuver???” or “Are you trying to get all of us killed????” There could even be a red road rage button that says, “Ok, give your soul to Jesus because your butt is mine!!!!” And for that once a year, special occasion, maybe there could be a silver, glitter button for a melodic honk that says, “Happy New Year!”
A Back-to-Basics New Year’s Resolution
It’s National Oatmeal Month! Answers on pg 20
Oats Cookie China January Porridge Cereal Iowa Breakfast Greeks Food Livestock Hulls Milk Sugar Fruit Raisins Bananas Meatloaf Quaker Recipe
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January 2016
You know it’s time for a New Year’s resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, “One at a time, please!”
Spot the
DIFFERENCE
Phobia is excessive fear Mania is Unreasonable enthusiasm Cynophobia: Abnormal fear of dogs You don’t qualify to live in Carmel Chaetophobia: Fear of hair Can you say,‘ ‘Supercuts” Heliophobia: Fear of sunlight See you after 5pm Bathophobia: Fear of depth Anyone having a conversation in a bar Eleutheromania: A compelling desire for freedom Why we live in America Dipsomania: Uncontrolled craving for booze I’ll drink to that! Teratophobia: Fear of giving birth to a monster Then don’t have kids!
YOU’RE NOT ALONE WE’RE ALL FOOLISH
At first glance, the two photos look exactly alike. Take your time to spot the difference. Be the 10th person to email or call to win dinner for two at a local Scottish named restaurant.
Cenophobia: Fear of new things See our Resale Trail Phonomania: Abnormal love of noise What did you say? It’s loud in here Phagomania: Obsession with food I’ll have seconds!
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January 2016
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Roll the Dice and Take Your Chances Yeahnuary is here, that is not a typo, that is how I like to spell January because I say Yeah! To this brand new year. Twentysixteen, baby! Ok, I sounded excessively excited about that. Glad it’s out of my system, now back to business. I would like to talk about work. Some people work hard enough to not get fired, and bad enough to not be scorned by co-workers. Nobody likes a showoff! Sadly, some of us face a hard reality at one point in our lives. Dust yourself off and continue being awesome. I work in an office. If you don’t know what it’s like to work in an office, imagine yourself floating in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. You float, terrified at the creatures lurking under you, and just before one of the sharks comes up to eat one of your legs, you get a lunch break. Repeat five days a week. In the night, you hear them talking about the scariest
horror stories ever told: Once upon a time, in the land of the Whispering Orchids (for the purpose of this article), the parking coordinator was relieved of his duties for loss of confidence, management created a new policy and a new coordinator was appointed. Just like when Tyrionne Lannister was appointed the Hand of the King in Game of Thrones.
If you don’t know what it’s like to work in an office, imagine yourself floating in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. With that great power, came great responsibility. Orchids rarely like change and objections were encountered on this new policy, in which the new coordinator had no input. Therefore, this brave little Orchid did what only a few good men would have done and got all Colonel Jessup about it:
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore. Son, we live in a world that has parking lots, and those parking lots require parking passes provided by parking coordinators. Who’s gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You dread for a simpler policy and you curse the person that implements it. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. Denying someone a parking pass while tragic, probably helps others in need get a parking pass, and my position, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, helps the different shops. You don’t want to be lenient because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me to be the parking coordinator, you need me to implement the policy. We use words like temporary, litigation and case matters. We use these
words as the primary reasons to acquire a pass; you use them as an excuse. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a person who accesses the building under the very parking pass I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you say thank you and went on your merry way. Otherwise, I suggest you create a better parking policy and make motion to change it. Either way I don’t give dang how many hoops you think people have to through to get a pass! See kids, no matter how big or small your job is, there will always be some self-entitled clown thinking they can tell you how to do your job. Never let them break your spirit.
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WHY MEN SHOULDN’T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I walked back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter! I am 32 and he is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married or 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid. I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, John -Forwarded by Steve Sanderson, Gilbert, S.C.
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By Ted Gargiulo
EYE QUIT
I knew something was wrong when I started seeing sparks in my left eye. They looked like fireflies swimming inside my head. (Alien intelligence? I should be so lucky!) Next morning, my family doctor saw me ASAP, then rushed me to the ophthalmologist, who gave me a thorough examination. Turned out, I had two tears in my retina, a potentially nasty situation if left untreated. Fortunately, I’d caught it in time. The following day, March 29, 2001, marked my very first ocular laser surgery—definitely NOT an item on my bucket list. I was understandably skittish. The receptionist greeted me and handed me a patient’s release form to sign. “We’re going to be working on your left eye today,” she told me. “Is that correct?” “Yes, the left eye,” I said. “That’s correct.” “We don’t want any mistakes. Gotta make sure we get the right eye.” “No, the LEFT eye!” I said. Whew, that was close! The surgeon’s assistant prepped me for the procedure by numbing the eye, then dilating the pupil. (I honestly don’t remember what he did first.) The laser machine resembled the contraption used to perform eye exams. The patient places his chin in the chin rest, leans his forehead against a brace, and looks into a lens. Then an eyepiece is inserted into his eye (I made certain the doctor placed it in my LEFT eye), which prevents the patient from blinking during the operation. The surgeon then instructs the patient where to move his eye, and...zap-zap-zap-
zap goes the laser. Looked like a series of green strobes. First light show I ever experienced INSIDE my head—except for those fireflies. And for the humongous flash I saw that day, back in 1975, when I plummeted down a flight of stairs and smacked my face on the concrete. Was that ever spectacular! The impact, most likely, was what weakened my retina in the first place.
No eye patch, no bandaged lump on my face, no scorched crater where my eye used to be. I shudder to think of the consequences had there been a power surge during my laser procedure. Probably would have turned my skull into a pinhole camera. Or worse, it might have remained March 29, 2001 for the rest of my life. Happily, the surgery proceeded without a hitch, and I pulled through with only minor discomfort. I felt fine, I saw fine, I looked fine. No eye patch, no bandaged lump on my face, no scorched crater where my eye used to be. No liquefied ocular matter turning up in my urine. The doctor said I could return to work tomorrow if I desired, provided I didn’t bend my head or lift anything heavy. But my wife insisted I take the day off. Heck, why not! Just two months later, my retina detached itself altogether. It required major surgery and was off work 2½ months. That’s when I realized how much I cherished
being home, pain and disability notwithstanding. In 2009, when my right eye suffered a similar fate, I rejoiced! You must think I’m nuts. Like, maybe my retina ain’t the only ligament in my head that’s torn. Well, workplace monotony can effect a person that way. In 2011, I finally retired. I had to. I’d simply run out of eyes. All except for the one I sit on. And that’s doing quite nicely these days, thank you!
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January 2016
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What stories do the ship captain’s children like to hear? Ferry tales! Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich? Because the poor have nothing worth taking! How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night? By flood lighting! What is the best thing to take into the desert? A thirst aid kit! Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond! What is hairy and coughs? A coconut with a cold! Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery? So he could loaf around!
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Do you look in the mirror after you’ve washed your face? No, I look in a towel! Why was the Egyptian girl worried? Because her daddy was a mummy! How old is your granddad? I don’t know but we’ve had him a long time!
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January 2016
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Foolish Search
DREAM ON
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” “Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: “The meaning of dreams.”
Answers from page 16
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
CHIMNEY SWEEPER Protect your home! A clean chimney is a safe chimney. 40 years experience. Quick response. 831.402.2273 tandtcleanup.webs.com
HANDYMAN Bob
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
831.717.7917
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
DONATE YOUR CAR Of the Peace Foundation
Running or not, we recondition vehicles & GIVE them to local veterans and their families. A vet will p/u your vehicle. 501c3 non-profit 831.324.5051 thepeacevet.org CERAMICS
PLUMBING
CHRISTIAN APPAREL
A and R Plumbing
Come As You Are Christian Store
Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
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KNOCK OFF it
Knock Knock Who’s there! Ice cream! Ice cream who? Ice cream if you don’t let me in !
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Loaf! Loaf who? I don’t just like bread, I loaf it.
Knock Knock Who’s there! Honeydew! Honeydew who? Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Knock Knock Who’s there! Water! Water who? Water way to answer the door !
Knock Knock Who’s there? Pecan! Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size! Knock Knock Who’s there? Cantaloupe! Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Bison! Bison who? Bison girl scout cookies! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Hungry clock! Hungry clock who? Hungry clock who went back four seconds. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Pasta! Pasta who? Italian chef who pasta away.
Knock Knock Who’s there! Figs! Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken Knock Knock Who’s there! Four Eggs! Four Eggs who? Four Eggs ample! Knock Knock Who’s there! Banana! Banana who? Banana split so ice creamed! Knock, Knock Who’s there? Pudding! Pudding who? Pudding your shoes on before your trousers is a silly idea! Knock knock Who’s there? Ketchup Ketchup who? Ketchup to me and I will tell you. Knock Knock Who’s there? Orange
Orange who? Orange you going to answer the door? Knock Knock Who’s there? Beets! Beets who? Beets me. Knock Knock Who’s there? Duncan! Duncan who? Duncan your chickens before they hatch. Knock Knock Who’s there? Ice Cream soda! Ice Cream soda who? Ice cream soda whole world will hear. Knock Knock Who’s there? Goat! Goat who? Goat on a limb and open the door.
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Knock Knock Who’s there? Leek! Leek who? Leek father like son the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Knock Knock Who’s there? Water. Water who? Water those plants or they’re going to die. Knock Knock Who’s there? Plums! Plums who? Plums me that we’ll always be friends! Knock Knock Who’s There? Kale! Kale who? Obviously I have time to kale. Knock, knock Who’s there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, it’s my favorite song! Knock Knock Who’s there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce go before you eat me.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
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January 2016
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Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram This Culture of Unavailability is really BUSY gettin’ your Goat! Or RAM! Spinning your passionate ideas like a pinwheel in a tornado, is how you get the job done. But, when the team doesn’t show up and the wind blows a whining call, you are delayed and alone. Wear a Tuxedo in Antartica and huddle with the masses that live for each other. Listen carefully because these folks know how efficient the swaying motion compared to a static walk is. A New Year white out. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Idol Chatter has brought you to the bleachers instead of the bull ring. You can cheer at fame, but you’re not in the action. An idol worship, a Paris Hilton of sorts, an edifice of empty space distorting the truth of success has distracted you from dodging the arrow! Funny that, you were sitting this one out. You only got a booboo this time. Take the bull by the horns and snort your way into the arena. You can keep the rose clenched between your teeth for some Glam! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins All the World’s the Weather! What does that mean? Cause and effect. Detect and eject all negativity, past or present. Whatever you focus on grows like lichen. Especially when it feels as though you are confetti on the rubber soul of a giant wall of woes. May sound bleak, t’is not, t’is neat, t’is clear as the starry night of winter, where all stars and GEMS shine humbly in their glory as one.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A junkyard of hormones! At the stroke of midnight your integrity may crack into a mosaic rigamarole. Your sideways functions require forward development. In other words “balance” is being questioned. You are an emotional intersection, even your car alarm plays Auld Lang Syne all year round? Refine your chemical core and mimic twilight as it distills what lies inbetween the cracks. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Royal Poverty! The Kingy and Queeny thing is a bit outdated. Fed up with running the kingdom? Everyone needs a little help. You demand forthrightly that the populace ought to think for themselves! You even called for the Wizard of Ought, but she was out. You could easily lead this movement. Start small by spraying your territory to keep the castle grounds your own. Then join a chamber orchestra and start banging that bass drum! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin A divine drive-thru! A thoroughfare of hugs. No clean wipes for you. This is the medicine needed to let go of your old “cooties” issue. Don’t grab a tissue.! You don’t always have to be the straight man. Let your belly be full of laughs, and stick your neck out like a Giraffe in the new year.
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A toast to World Paint! Not always easy on the eyes and yet gritty graffiti has its face in society. You want to recast the world to your standards. You certainly paint a pretty picture. If only reality were silly putty. There is hope, the steam coming from your permafrost layers is melting the glaciers of your icy blue sharpness and evolving into sapphires of reflection. Footnote: Graffiti derived from the Italian Graffito definition is: Scratch me a new arse whole. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions This New Year write or be in a Shakespearean Sex Comedy! You are so driven, ride with excitement, the streamers and the sparklers that appear in your mysterious at-mosphere. The Lightness of Being can also be obscene…Lose the headgear. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer People really like your sense of humor! You’re acceptance speech was really upbeat even with the subject being about an extinct escargot species. I bet you can make E=mc2 feel and sound like Times Square! Your mass energy equivalent is buoyant enough to drop the ball and celebrate a new beginning all at the stroke of 12/2016 squared. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Happy tortes on your birthday cavorts! Storms of the past have passed and you are agile with wings on heels. Still, in your most civilized personality mode, your
By Bini undercurrent of turbulence is felt. So speak up in the moment that way you won’t blurt a bunch of blah and bleh and get your panties all in a wreck! FATHER Time is on your side, now glide. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A beaming humanitarian intended to keep on smiling through humanity’s endless faux-pas. Have you succumb to Botox in order to maintain such a beguiling simper? This would certainly be a Trashedy! Your progressive thinking could scarcely reinvent muscle memory of this caliber. Just think of all the trials of redemption imbedded in your skin’s history! I know you deplore repetitive details, so get a secretary. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes In this New Year aligning with your porpoise is essential. The gravitational pull is from this new found confidence. Congratulate your intensive reflective work on self. (If the other signs would reflect it would be quite a nice gift, but don’t hold your gills.) Einstein, your fellow fishy, he too was an outcast at first. You will be dancing all through the countdown. General theory is you’re an in a hot state and it’s going to be a Big Bang YEAR! *All Italicized titles belong to Bini’s (Laura Sottile) Short Stories
January 2016
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A
SPCA Benefit Shop
THE
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
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Yellow Brick Road
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Mon Amie Consignment Boutique
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
F
MPVS Benefit Shop
RESALE TRAIL
26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
3706 The Barnyard- Suite G11, Carmel 831.625.5100 www.monamieconsign.com
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
D
C B
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FEATURED SHOP MPVS is the oldest non-profit Benefit shop on the Monterey Peninsula and is run solely by women volunteers. Proceeds are contributed to a variety of charitable and cultural non-profit organizations serving the communities on the greater Monterey Peninsula since 1950.
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