June 2014
June 2014
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
There is something about June that I just can’t put my finger on. It started with a girl named April who I left for May. The next thing I remember there was June. She made sure there was heat in our relationship although living in Monterey anything above freezing is considered warm. Summer is here and time to get to that beach body in shape. I work so much the only exercise I get is pushing my luck, stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions. I never carry a grudge! Happy Father’s Day. I won’t pass along sound advice that my Dad gave to me. That’s 99 percent sound and 1 percent advice.
School’s out for summer! Even though I’m not in school anymore I love that feeling that came with the thought of no homework for three months. Things have sure changed since I was in school; I don’t think anyone gets a three month vacation anymore, but I still remember what it felt like to just wake up and think about nothing more than playing outside or going swimming all day ... lighthearted. Foolish Times is a little like that each month ... don’t you think? We hope so. This month we thrilled to welcome Dennis Hengeveld, the creator of our newest cartoon, Happy Simpleton. We think he’s a great addition to the quirky Foolish Times family. Let us know what you think. Don’t forget we celebrate Father’s Day this month. My Dad loves Sees Candy - but I always wrap it up in a tacky tie lest he forget the point of the day. Enjoy!
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Admin Fool...............................Lisa C. Sales Fool...........................Jordain M. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
Contributors Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood, Chuck Shepherd, Stephen L. Millich, Dennis Hengeveld
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June 2014
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60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. On the 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage and blurted out, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes ... yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?”
“Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will! ... And I meant it with all my heart.” The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued, “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”
Late Night Lecture
An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
Grandma’s Visit
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
What’s in a Name?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
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Daditudes A Dad read that it takes $10 a year to support a child in India. So he sent his kids there. their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Pet Parrot
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”
The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”
Romance?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To the bathroom to get my teeth,” he replied.
June 2014
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
FAST FOOD If food was fast, we would all be running after it
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak, salads, small plates Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3563 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award–winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf, Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gianni’s Best known for their pizza, has a great extended menu of pastas, ravioli, lasagna salads and hot baked subs 725 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.649.1500 Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
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June 2014
Rattle the Rafters by Larry Wilde
You can improve your health by simply laughing out loud. We all need to be reminded of the importance of laughing out loud. Many of us have forgotten to appreciate the positive, therapeutic and healthful benefits that come from the spontaneous pleasure of laughing. We get so caught up in our daily obligations it’s very difficult to let ourselves go. Every day in the workplace, visiting with friends or family, or just being on a crowded bus, we hear or see something that’s amusing. We know that it’s funny but instead of opening up and expressing the joy, we may smile inwardly while keeping the laughter bottled up inside. Suppressing Snickers Often we forget to laugh out loud, to allow ourselves the joy of getting the giggles like we did in childhood. Back then, adults were always telling us to pipe down, shush, stifle it and cut the comedy in order to smother our laughter. As grownups it would seem childish or foolish to many of us if were were to lose ourselves completely in helpless belly laughs. But to experience the feelings of happiness we must nurture a playful spirit with positive thoughts as well as a heavy helping of fun and good cheer. Suppressing laughter is not only unnatural, it may be unhealthful. Most of us don’t have enough fun and often are embarrassed by or afraid to unleash a playful mind.
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We have to eliminate the fear of being outrageous. No activity is stupid or silly. As long as it’s physically safe, it’s acceptable. Adult playfulness is the feature that makes us human. Play makes people scintillate. Lack of it dulls a person.
Cultivating your sense of playfulness is the key to learning to lighten up in the midst of stress. – Paul McGhee, PhD.
Maybe that’s how that simple, age-old proverb came about: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Playing together strengthens relationships. A playful mind is really a font of creativity. It opens up vistas for joyful experiences that we could never even imagine. What happens when we get into a constant routine of curbing our laughter? We smile or snicker, or merely nod our heads to acknowledge an amusing anecdote or quip. We have become too adult and too judgmental to give ourselves over to a good healthy giggle. After extensive research on the subject dr. Raymond A. Moody, Jr. reports: “People’s natural laughter gets sealed over by inhibition. From early youth they get messages like, ‘Don’t laugh in church,’ ‘Don’t laugh in school,’ or ‘Don’t laugh in the movies,’ etc. “Pretty soon people become inhibited, they won’t open up, and they begin to feel guilty about laughing.” Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER My Flower Garden By Stephen L. Millich
I’ve tried to grow rosies And all other posies Multi-colored and bright Reflecting God’s light Wounded by aphids and slugs Killed off by all other bugs I pamper this garden with love and affection And all it returns is dead vegetation Yet I do not snivel or wail At nature’s destructive trail There’s a survivor and I’m not lyin’ It’s the indestructible dandelion Excerpted from The Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBbooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
June 2014
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There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park. You can wear no shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress, $5000. Tux rental, $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes—one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Nicknames If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
Eating Out When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators ...Yep!
Money A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
Bathrooms A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
Answers on page 20
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By Bini
Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram
Leo: July 23 - August 22 The Lion
Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 The Archer
Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier
Everybody gets it that you’re courageous enough to hold the sky! Rumor has it, it’s a bit fatiguing. Question is were you on a scenic drive or witness to a murder, or was that a mutter? What side of the story are you on West side or East? I guess in this case what matters is what you are willing to utter.
“Here Ye! Here Ye!” A great crowd of courtiers and servants are intoxicated from your exuberant gooblie goo-ie-ness. They respond with buffoonery hoping to engage and gain your approval. When you are a pet you are a pet all the way from your first Kingy pooh to your last Queenie day.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20 The Bull
Virgo: August 23 - September 22 The Virgin
Make it not be true that blowing your nose on your sleeve is an optimistic option for you. I know you’ve stuck to your own kind...of manner, your signature sway, your right-of-way and all a fair fight. You’ve made it thus far without losing your shirt, so stop sniveling ‘cause you’re the boss, just an arm’s length away.
You planted yourself on the other team’s turf, so be it! Even just a word can do that. Snap, snap out of it. You are in an advanced state of shock! Use the back door just this once, consider it an intermission to high definition. Switch to whistling cues when you’re on the outside and remember the simple rule: Keep off the grass.
Dependable from your first pirouette until your last dying day! Which is thicker your head or that accent you put on situations that don’t directly affect you. Let the heads twirl where they may and carefully surmise what it is that you really want! Then Go-Go!
Your sublime conscientiousness has extended the longest day of the year into an all-day sucker. Your painstaking big decision has blocked the night and left some of us more rumpus bumpus fools searching for the morning star to guide us someday, somewhere, somehow to tomorrow!
Capricorn: December 22 January 19 The Goat
Pisces: February 19 - March 20 The Fishes
There’s a Rumble! And it’s not in your stomach. You’ve got a rocket in your pocket ready to bust like a hot water pipe! Steady now, steadiness is your strength... Unwind, easy does it, play it cool. Accepting your limitations keeps you well protected. Tap into that good deep inside you and Pow Pow out of danger.
M-a-r-i-a, Maria say it softly and it’s almost like praying...or is it Mariah? Either way society will always be plagued with decisions such as these. Your special business is compassion, but for now minus the com. You need to amp it upkick it, stick it, drop it, f*ck it! How wonderful a sound can be. Listen if Chino can shop at Chico’s, you can certainly own your hour of power and make your imagination reel!
Gemini: May 21 - June 20 The Twins
Psst! Gem-Mambo...You are the Top Cat in town so let’s get crackin’ by dressing up sweet and sharp. Life is only a dance! Best to see LIFE as de big picture, udder-wise your scurrying knee deep in the Poopla! How’s ‘bout some lousy goat cheese and soda pop for your birthday?! Cancer: June 21 - July 22 The Crab
Honest Ernest Hemingway, a Cancer just like you was loyal as a door in your face. You gotta love that kind of trueness. You may call upon your war/love council for this next chapter. Because you’re drifting diagonally towards a steamboat that you can get on or get lost!
Libra: September 23 - October 22 The Scales
Beat the crud out a dem! How charming waving rocks, belts, bricks, blades and guns to claim your side of the street. Perhaps, finding a new way of living, a new way of forgiving all those ruckus out of balance fools may be just the bullet to bite. Call it a work in progress. Now beat it!
Kong Fuzi Said: Angry horse creates dust underhoof and clouds his escape to freedom...horse forgets horse can fly. (dah!)
Scorpio: October 23 November 21 The Scorpion
Who knows…something’s coming... something good, just by holding still you can touch your excitement. Keep your hands visible though, you’re in public view. Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria eventually evolved into the party of Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice, no doubt there is a place for all of us.
By Bini
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June 2014
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By Rosie Sorenson
I
f there’s one thing I should have learned in my 20 years of caring for a colony of homeless cats, it’s this: Don’t let your heart override your head. Taking in 17-year-old Sweetie Pie from the colony exemplifies one of those irrational heart decisions. Steve and I kinda sorta brought her home because we kinda sorta knew we couldn’t sleep if we delivered her back to her outdoor digs after we had escorted her to the vet for treatment of a bite wound. The un-neutered male cat who had attacked Sweetie Pie still lurked around in the park, too elusive to trap. What were we to do? Only for a moment did we touch down on Planet Reality—not long enough to ask ourselves: “How in the World are we going to Get Sugar and Billy to Go Along with Having a New Sister?” Since there’s only one interior door in our condo separating the bedroom from the other rooms, we elected to stash Sweetie Pie in a dog crate in said bedroom until we could grok the implications of what we’d done and plan accordingly. Plans? Cats? Right. Keeping Sugar and Billy, our two spoiled rescue kitties, out of the bedroom went over about as well as the confiscation of Rush Limbaugh’s Oxycontin. After a couple of days, we could no longer endure the pain of depriving them of their favorite ritual—lying on the Hello Kitty! bedspread while we watched The Big Bang Theory. We veiled Sweetie Pie’s dog crate with a fuzzy black and white kitty comforter, except for a small
peek at the front gate, and opened the bedroom door for our darling little tyrants. “Hey, kids,” I said with all the treacle I could extrude, “Come and meet your new sister—Sweetie Pie.” Sweetie Pie quietly pressed her nose to the metal lattice. Billy, the strawberry blond, crept forward to within a foot of the crate, spewed forth a contemptuous hiss and stalked away. Sugar, a Siamese, crouched at the foot of the bed, narrowed her eyes, then jumped up next to me, her tail whipping back and forth like a windshield wiper gone mad.
An insomniac with sleep apnea, is what I am. Not even ear plugs or the hum of my C-PAP machine could drown out her evening symphony. “Well, that went well,” I said to Steve who nodded in return. We’d read about introducing a new cat
to the already established lords and ladies of the manor: swapping scents from pieces of fabric they’d had contact with; letting them smell each other through a safe physical barrier. We worked that plan for several days with about as much success as I would have had performing on American Idol. In spite of this, Steve said, after a week, “It doesn’t seem fair to keep Sweetie Pie cooped up in the crate much longer. We need to let her out.” “What about the other cats?” I said. “Well, why don’t we just keep the bedroom door closed until they’re more used to each other.” “Right,” I said. As soon as he unfastened the door to the crate, Sweetie Pie shot out like rocket fuel had been poured on her butt, and slipped into the space behind the headboard of our platform bed. Now, see, this is where heart and head collide. Sweetie Pie’s snoring, which initially charmed the good sense right out of us, began to morph into a serenade, part water buffalo, part loud cooing dove, part jack-hammer. Though Steve can sleep through a hurricane, I cannot. An insomniac with sleep apnea, is what I am. Not even ear plugs or the hum of my C-PAP machine could drown out her evening symphony. After a few nights of ridiculous non-sleep, I snapped. “This is not working, Steve. She has to go!” I said, my snit in full flower. “What are you saying,” he said with
that stricken look that tells me I’ve mutated into a heartless jerk. Crap. “I’m saying I can’t sleep with her in the room. So, maybe we should just take her back to the colony.” “We can’t do that. I mean, we just can’t,” he said through a film of tears. “Well, then she has to go somewhere else.” “There is no somewhere else.” “I don’t care,” I said, the bags under my lyin’ eyes quivering. Divorce or sleep? Sleep or divorce? “Well, what if we try this,” he said. “Let’s open the bedroom door and let the cats mix it up however they will. I mean, they’ve had a few weeks to get used to each other . . .” “Fine,” I said. We coaxed Sweetie back into the dog crate and slid it from the bedroom into the living room. I said to Sugar and Billy: “Look. Sweetie Pie, here, is a little homeless girl--just like you were homeless once--remember? But, now you’ve got this fabulous home and a Mommy and Daddy--we think you can be a little generous with Sweetie Pie.” Silence. Steve opened the crate door. Sweetie Pie streaked behind the couch. I continued, “You know, love is not a zero sum game. We have plenty for everyone, so I think we can all be generous to this little homeless girl . . .” “Hey, come back here, you two . . .” Heart: 1. Head: 0.
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COMMUNITY 831.905.5684
THEATER www.paperwing.com
Great
Reservoir Dogs
A band of professional criminals turn a simple diamond robbery into a bloodbath, and people are not who they seem to be...
Mech
anic!
Adapted from the Movie
Through June 21st
320 Hoffman Ave Monterey
Online meetings and neurotic attraction are at hand By Adam Szymkowicz
Nerve
Through June 28
2115 N Fremont St Monterey
Win tickets to this show! pwtickets@foolishtimes.net
e Nic
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Mike will maintain & prevent problems to keep your car running safely!
Full Service Repairs • Brake Specialists Minor Part Fabrication
1648 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.899.2606
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June 2014
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Go GREEN
June is Bustin’ Out All Over!
NCI NOW ACCEPTS YOUR USED ELECTRONICS FOR RECYCLING
“It takes a village to know, that the importance of foolishness is as simple as it’s idiot.” Siegfried Dunlapper, The Gardener
Answers on pg 20
Carousel Musical Rodgers Hammerstein Broadway Nettie Heart Meadow Bushes Wheels Creepers Bejeepers Fresh Alive Sapling Loonier Kittenish Sheepish Gills Sunlit
Drop off or schedule a pickup
Thrift Store 831.424.3899 110 E Alisal Street ncisalinas@nciaffiliates.org Oldtown Salinas www.nciaffliates.org
NCI cannot accept white appliances i.e. microwaves, stoves, refrigerators, etc. NCI Affiliates provides vocational training opportunities for individuals with disabilities.
Migration from Sea to Shining Sea By Rex Keyes s humans we seem to isolate ourselves as a unique species better than the rest of the animal world on this planet. But there is one instance in which we go overboard, in which no animal species can match us and that is migration. The wildebeest migrates annually on the Serengeti, salmon migrate annually up rivers and streams to lay their eggs and Canadian Geese migrate south in the winter for warmer climate. As humans, we migrate daily on a massive scale to and from work and on vacation. In Monterey County, the largest daily migration can be seen on Highway 68 and Highway 1 going into the Monterey Peninsula. Thousands of people get into their cars and jam the two main roads going to Monterey. Some of the pack can be seen veering
A
off toward a local coffee house to get their morning cup of Joe, or I should say mocha, latte or cuppucino. With the huge amount of traffic going into the Monterey area every day more than half the people that work on the Peninsula and points south to Carmel and beyond must be from out of that area. And why is that? Could it be
So pick up the kids, fire up the old car or RV, hit the road and party hardy. the high cost of housing? Could it be the cold foggy summers? Could it be that Salinas has an In-andOut Burger place and Monterey doesn’t? Could it be that there is no Wal-Mart or K-Mart? Whatever it is, the migration pattern will not abate, because it seems that only
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a minority of the population that live on the Peninsula actually work there. Now the mother lode of all migration will be after June when school is out and people take vacations. People aren’t shy about traveling far away to a beach, a lake, a river or the mountains. They will travel hundreds of miles or maybe even a thousand to enjoy summer vacation. If there are more than two people in a car with a car rack on top loaded with goodies like a tent, kayak or bicycles or if they are pulling a trailer you can bet they are on vacation. And this is the time of year that dad gets the RV ready to go. He unhooks the battery charger, removes the tire covers and takes the RV around town for a test drive prior to setting out for that vacation campsite. But a camping vacation has changed since the good old days.
It use to be that friends and/ or family use to sit around the campfire at night telling stories or take a moonlit walk down by the lake or enjoy the night sky with a full moon and meteors dancing across the sky. Now after the RV gets parked, dad pushes a button and the satellite dish rises from the roof, searches for a satellite, locks onto it, and voila, we now have TV out in the middle of nowhere. The kids at night are on their laptops, smart phones or whatever because just about every RV park now has the internet. Now for daylight activities there have been only small changes. We still have fishing (barbed hooks now illegal), kayaking now not canoeing, four wheel ATVs (the three wheelers have been banned) and hiking (now with Gatorade, Monster, Rock Star or Red Bull). And I must say that this goes on from sea to shining sea. So pick up the kids, fire up the old car or RV, hit the road and party hardy. Ah yes, enjoy America the Beautiful!
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June 2014
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By Tom Burns
Nursing his Broken Heart
T
his was going to be tough. I had to tell him. Rex. It would destroy him, I knew. Pacing the living room floor, I practiced and rehearsed how to tell him. Just be blunt and spit it out, or work my way into it, little by little? I took a deep breath and walked out onto the back porch. He napped comfortably in the shaded hammock. “Rex.” A gentle nudge didn’t wake him. “Yoo-hoo,” in a melodic sing-song voice didn’t work either. I had but one last card to use. “Costco Pizza!” He sat up, tail wagging and head snapping about, trying to catch the succulent scent of a big honkin’ steaming combo pizza. Like an addict looking for his next fix. Like a baby pup searching for Mom’s teat, full of rich, warm dog milk. Like a . . . well let’s just call it quits right there. “Rex. Listen to me. There’s no pizza.” The look on his face looked just like mine when I was five years old and Sarah Hegadorn told me there was no Santa Claus. Rex almost went catatonic. Or, in his case, dogatonic. “Look, we’ll get a pizza later. You’ll need it.” He looked worried. “Rex, listen to me. You know the article we wrote last month for Foolish Times? The one where I was writing a murder mystery, Massacre on Maple Street. The one where you got be a detective to solve the crime and you also got an extra part in the story to be a UPS driver?” He looked down and to the left, a clear Neuro-Linguistic
Programming signal that he was recalling something from the past. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the entire story wasn’t printed. The very end of the story, where you solve the crime, wasn’t in Foolish Times. I, uh, I, ah, didn’t put it in a Word Doc format and it didn’t get published in its entirety.” There was no more to be said. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Rex rapidly raced through the five stages of grief. I could see the denial in his eyes, immediately. He hopped off the hammock and marched around the porch, denying that such a thing could happen. Next, anger arose, and he ran lickity split to the back fence and decimated the azalea bushes, leaving but a few tattered stumps as the last vestiges of the azalea garden.
Next, he looked to the Heavens, obviously trying to bargain with God (Dog spelled backwards). Next, he looked to the Heavens, obviously trying to bargain with God (Dog spelled backwards). Then he hung his head in deep, deep depression. I’m sure he was asking Dog how could such a thing happen to such a sweet, wonderful, cute, small black Dachshund, and why bad things happen to good dogs. “Rex, come back up here on the porch. It was my fault. Susie Q, the editor at Foolish Times apologized, but it was really my fault. So don’t
go and pee on the May issue of Foolish Times. And for God’s sakes, er, I mean Dog’s sakes, don’t pee on me. Things go wrong in life. Sometimes you eat the bear. Sometimes the bear eats you.” He cocked his head quizzically and looked at me for clarification. “It’s just a saying we humans use. Bears. Sometimes . . . sometimes . . . ah, forget it. Come on, my little friend. Jump up here on the hammock again. Let me hold you. Love you. Hug you.” Rex exhaled slowly and sadly walked back to the hammock in acceptance of the ordeal and jumped up in my lap, with a boost
from me. “There. There now little one. Everything’s going to be okay. Don’t let the bastards get you down.” I petted him and he soon fell asleep in my arms. My little warrior. I kissed his forehead. Rex and Tom can be reached at tomburns100@yahoo.com
June 2014
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Chuck Shepherd’s
By Chuck Shepherd Week of January 19, 2014
Higher Education
• Florida’s second-most populous county, Broward, announced in December it was removing the agricultural tax break for 127 properties because it appeared their “farming” work was a sham. Broward’s property appraiser estimated the county had lost “hundreds of millions of dollars” over the years granting the bogus reductions —as landowners were blatantly housing just a few cows (in some cases, merely renting them) to graze and calling that “agricultural.” The appraiser’s office, after auditing only a few of the exemptions, found, for example, that land occupied by a government-contract prison was “agricultural” (with a rent-a-cow arrangement). • The Ontario College of Trades ministry, finally implementing a long-ago reclassification of about 300,000 professionals, announced in November that barbers would immediately face fines if they had not acquired new licenses demonstrating proficiency with perms and highlighting and other aspects of women’s hairstyling. Even barbers who had cut men’s hair for decades and with no desire to accept female customers would probably need a costly study program for the upgrade, which one barber estimated at 2,000 hours and $5,000 or more. Said one exasperated old-timer, “We’re barbers, not neurosurgeons.” • Suspicion Confirmed: A
September report from the National Bureau of Economic Research revealed that almost 9 percent of all federal government spending occurred during the last week of the government’s fiscal year, as agencies scrambled to buy things they previously had not needed but suddenly did—because the money would otherwise disappear. Further, the report found that contracts made during that perhaps-frenzied final week were from double to more than five times as likely to be poorly executed as contracts made earlier in the fiscal year. • The Army Corps of Engineers said in December that it “continuously strives to implement lessons learned from its work in the extremely challenging Afghan environment”— apparently its primary response to an inspector general’s report that it wasted $5.4 million on trash incinerators for a forward operating base that were late, in disrepair, dysfunctional even if working properly, health hazards for troops, and ultimately abandoned on site, unused. The project was termed “a complete waste,” but the corps pointed out that money was actually saved by not repairing expensive equipment that would not have worked anyway.
Great Art! • South Africa, still transitioning to freedom after apartheid, has been slow to embrace the “performance art” that is a staple of American and European
popular culture, but artist Anthea Moys is creating her own space, according to a December Wall Street Journal dispatch from Johannesburg. Recently she played an exhibition soccer game—alone against an 11-player lineup. Her “team” quickly fell behind, but sympathetic spectators wandered onto the pitch to help her, and she managed to lose by only 12-0. Before that, she had entered a 60mile bicycle race in Johannesburg and, dressed properly in helmet and Spandex, she mounted a stationary bike at the starting line and began pedaling furiously as the other cyclists took off. “I’m not very competitive,” she said. “I’m interested in the joy of games and how people view them.” • Australian performance artist Casey Jenkins admits that her signature engagement is “confining” and “slightly uncomfortable,” but that “Casting Off My Womb” is nonetheless an important work. Jenkins spends 28-day cycles knitting cloth from wool that has been inserted into her vagina— symbolizing the creation of “life” emerging from the natural female cycle. The output, she said, records a female life in all its natural states. (Jenkins’ work is perhaps borrowed from classic performance work by the artists Carolee Schneeman, in 1975’s “Interior Scroll,” and Yoko Ono, in 1965’s “Cut Piece.”) Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
Q: Which hand is it better to write with? A: Neither, it’s best to write with a pen! Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular? A: Because it has a lot of dates! Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks? A: Her nose! Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night? A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants! Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn’t find a date! Q: How do you cure a headache? A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear! Q: Why don’t traffic lights ever go swimming? A: Because they take too long to change! Q: Why did the man run around his bed? A: To catch up on his sleep! Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? A: He wanted to make a clean get away!
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June 2014
FOOL CURB on the
There were foolish times on Cannery Row last month starting out on the curb and continuing up to a second floor meeting room of The Clement which was transformed into an intimate comedy club. By Stacy Lininger
Johnny Steele, Comedian Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A: I don’t want to grow up. Q: What happened to Bubbs (the third comic who was a no show)? A: I think his car broke down. Larry doesn’t so much own cars; he foster parents them until they die. Q: What is the producer’s phone number? A: 1-800-SnappyDresser
Will Durst, Comedian Why is comedy important? Comedy is defiance … a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. It is laughter that allows room for hope to creep in on the exhale.
Allan Kensgard, Promoter Q: Why is stand-up comedy important? A: The exchange between the comics and the audience is healing and we need that interaction more now than ever. Will and Johnny were able to provide that. Q: Will there be more comedy at the Clement? A: Watch for guerrilla advertising for the next show this summer.
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Daditudes Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?” He answered, “If the zoo wants you, they will come get you.”
BAD and
By Ted Gargiulo
breath
BEYOND
I used to fret over my public image—although you’d hardly know it now. I wore baseball caps to hide my baldness, body briefers to tone my gut, platforms to make me taller, clothes I couldn’t stand because I thought they made me look cool. Mixed company terrified me. I was too shy to laugh, too shy to disagree, afraid to scratch or pick my seat if I thought someone was watching. (Of course, someone was always watching!) I fretted about perspiration and gas, and avoided closed spaces where my bodily emissions could betray me. I covered my mouth when I spoke to keep my rancid breath from grossing out the listener, making it difficult for folks to understand me. Not that I had anything important to say anyway. I suffer from a condition called Personal Insufficiency Stress Syndrome, or PISS. I learned that from watching television. It began in college, followed me into the workplace and hounded me all through early adulthood. Every public setting was a stage, each situation a trial wherein I felt obliged to prove myself. I’d lie awake nights, agonizing over some
embarrassing thing I’d said or done the day before, and rehearse apologies to all the friends and coworkers I might have offended. It got so bad, I started wearing dark shades around the office so people couldn’t see into my eyes and guess what I was thinking.
I suffer from a condition called Personal Insufficiency Stress Syndrome, or PISS. One evening, I saw an infomercial for PHRIGITTOL®, a new hormone-accelerating, egoenhancing formula that has changed my life. Unlike other antidepressants or personality modifiers, PHRIGITTOL® works by reconfiguring the self-censoring feedback circuitry in my brain’s neuro-testicular cortex. Taken once a day, it blocks the transmission of the behavioral inhibitors that have kept me in bondage all these years. PHRIGITTOL® lets me be all the ME I was meant to be. Today, I scratch and sweat and » pg 19
June 2014
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January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, they have the nursing assistant do it. How do nurses save doctors from drowning? They take their foot off his head. Submitted by a nurse with way too much time working in a hospital. This is a good reason to stay healthy! « pg 18
belch with gusto wherever I am. I make inappropriate remarks, I tell inappropriate jokes, I laugh raucously at my own tastelessness, I smell bad, I dress like a slob…and I don’t give a rat’s hiney-hole what folks think of me. I am blissfully desensitized! PHRIGITTOL® isn’t for everybody. Tell your doctor if you have a history of homicidal tendencies, night terrors, somnambulism, uncontrollable rage, uncontrollable remorse, visual or auditory hallucinations, unconfessed guilt, irrational impulses, restless butt syndrome, pelvic tremors, hyper-salivatic spitting disorder, compulsive yawning, bouts of silliness, excessive redundancy…or a propensity for believing every idiotic claim hear on TV. Take PHRIGITTOL® only as directed. Side effects may include nausea, diarrhea, constipation, nervousness, sleeplessness,
sore throat, rash, dizziness, hypertension—all the stuff you normally read about, no matter what medication you’re taking. More serious afflictions include migraines, blurred vision, palpitations, slurred speech, lockjaw, jaundice, catatonia and convulsions. If these symptoms become bothersome, or last more than three days, tell your doctor. Women who are pregnant, nursing or serving time in prison should not take PHRIGITTOL® without a medical and psychological evaluation. In the event of a stroke, congestive heart failure and/or cardiac arrest, stop the medication immediately, as these could be signs of a serious drug reaction. Also, someone should probably call 911. Be all the person you were meant to be. Ask your doctor if PHRIGITTOL® is right for you.
The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’” A. Steven Wright B. Orville Wright 2. “A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night.” A. James Madison B. Marilyn Monroe 3. “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” A. Mother Teresa B. Paris Hilton 4. “Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” A. Erma Bombeck B. Cleopatra 5. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” A. Bob Hope B. Miley Cyrus 6. “On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.” A. Pope Benedict XVI B. H. L. Mencken 7. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” A. George Carlin B. Hoss Cartwright 8. “I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police.” A. John McCain B. Keith Richards Answers (all true): 1-A 2-B 3-B 4-A 5-A 6-B 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Childish 5-6 Obese 3-4 Thoughtful 1-2 Intoxicated 0- Brilliant Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
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June 2014
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Foolish Sudoku
Foolish Search
Answers
Answers from page 15
from page 8
Daditudes My Dad used to tell me, “When Abe Lincoln was your age he had a job. When Abe Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to get to school.” I said, “Dad, when Abe Lincoln was your age he was President!”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR
HANDYMAN
Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
Bob
MAILBOXES The Mail Box Not just a pretty place with long and short term mailbox rentals. Live Scan Fingerprinting Notary services, passport photos Walk-ins Welcome 831.641.0931
CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
831.917.0279
Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.595.7773
REAL ESTATE
CERAMICS
The “Golf” Coast of Florida
10th Street Ceramics
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
is warm & affordable with the greatest sunsets on Earth seanjtrinkle.homesandland.com 806.206.8179 Lic# BK3240757
JEWELRY Bench Jeweler
We Buy Gold & Diamonds! Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186
Ongoing kid’s workshops Instruction and support Paint your own ceramic studio 100’s of unique items Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
MOVING
CLEANING
Peninsula Cleaning & Moving
Peninsula Cleaning & Moving
We take the guess work out of moving Complimentary estimates Bonded, insured 831.373.6683
BAIL BONDS
Diaz Bros, Bail Bonds “We Sell Freedom” Mistakes happen and we can help you through 831.444.0444/24hours Diazbrosbailbonds.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038
We love to clean! New client discounts Last minute appointments Family owned and operated Bonded & Insured 831.373.6243
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
June 2014
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Super Summer
Specials
Head and Shoulders
$69.95 value
We honor Seniors and Military
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he left the elevator. After he left the red head said, “Man was he hot!” The brunette said, “Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders.” The blonde thought for a while and said, “How do you give a man shoulders?”
Blonde Painter
Water In The Carburetor
“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburetor.” “How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburetor is.” “I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.” “We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the swimming pool.”
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a fleece and a mink coat. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For Best Results, Put on Two Coats!”
Blond Dad A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The Dad slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. “You scumbag!” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
One-eyed Blonde Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, ‘’Look at that dog with one eye!’’ The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ‘’Where?’’
Dumb Guys There were two blond guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a threeman team, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick today.
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June 2014
Every Friday & Saturday in June
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy and Dance nightspot. The Lane brothers Feature local & nationally known Headlining comedians www.planetgemini.com
June 6
Oldtown Salinas First Friday Art Walk
The longest ongoing art walk in the county. This month features hosted events with local artists, dancers and musicians on the street and in the businesses. www.1stfridays.org
www.foolishtimes.net
Through June 7
June 28
Great Pacific Race
The first human powered boat race across the Pacific Ocean 20 crews from around the world race from Monterey to Hawaii with no sails or engines and the boats are crazy cool looking. Watching this race online is like watching paint dry. www.great-pacific-race.com
June 7
Big Sur Fashion Show
This is not your average fashion show. All entries are inspired by local artists and designed without fabric or traditional clothing material. After party at Bay of Pines Organic Restaurant www.bigsurfashionshow.com
June 10
Iris turns 5
Cory Robinson’s Comedy Show
June 14
Monterey Beer Festival
Beer is not just for breakfast! A showcase of all that is beer in an afternoon party atmosphere. Beer Pong and three bands fill out the day www.montereybeerfestival.com
June 15
Father’s Day
After drinking beer all afternoon at the beer fest, all I want to do this day is sleep it off. Unfortunately someone from my past that I never met before is on my door step calling me “Dad.” I really have to stop drinking! Happy Father’s Day
Cory is a very funny guy. He left his native land of Seaside to find fame and fortune in the Bay Area comedy scene. He returns famous and working on the fortune part. www.bluefinbilliards.com
June 28-29
Summer Fest Arts & Crafts Faire
Custom House Plaza For the past 25 years, this faire offered a wide variety of paintings, sculpture, textiles, jewelry, glass, ceramics, precious metals and more. www.pacrep.org
June 18
Monterey Americana Festival
June 6-8
Monterey Wine Festival
Custom House Plaza This 38th edition is the longest running wine fest in CA. Featuring The West Coast Chowder competition, the Kings of Calamari and Masters of Mussels. Did I say there was going to be lots of wine and fun? www.montereywine.com
Happy Birthday
June 12
Toast the Tatas
SVHS and CA Rodeo Salinas team up to create awareness for the TETWP program. Guest speakers, door prizes, small bites and no-host bar. www.carodeo.com
KPIG made Americana music available to hear. This festival makes the artists available to see. Dwight Yoakam headlines this all-day event. www.montereyamericanafestival.com
June 28
Winery Walk, Rock and Run
Paraiso Vineyards This 5 mile course winds through the picturesque Paraiso Vineyards that the Smith family calls home. A fundraiser for scholarships, local charities and research through the American Vineyard Foundation. www.paraisovineyards.com
June 29
Darlene Love
Golden State Theater It should be love Darlene! The New York Times says “Darlene Love’s voice is as embedded in the history of rock and roll as Eric Clapton’s guitar and Bob Dylan’s lyrics.” Foolish Times says, “Don’t miss this fabulous show darling.” www.goldenstatetheatre.com
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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
June 2014
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A
Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
B
SPCA Benefit Shop
C
John's Consignment & Home Decore
D
Tailwaggers
E
Second Chance
F
Branches Resale Shoppe
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26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
H
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
NCI Affiliates, Inc.
I
THE
RESALE TRAIL
110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899 www.nciaffiliates.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
I
489 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
E
D
F
G
H
C B
A
Golden Rose Featured Shop Recently opened, not your average thrift and vintage boutique. You will find yesteryears treasures along with classic dĂŠcor with one of a kind distressed home and garden furniture. Mona welcomes you to join her in the pursuit of passion for quality treasures of the past and present.