June 2015
I’m not a Spoiled Brat I’m not I’m not I’m NOT! Event Calendar » Page 26
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June 2015
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
RESALE TRAIL
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com
MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
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Golden Rose Featured Shop Monterey’s home for fine distressed furniture and vintage. You will find yesteryear’s one of a kind treasures along with classic d`core. Owner Mona Lewis welcomes you to join her in the pursuit of passion for the quality treasures of the past and present.
June 2015
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools.......................Quinton G. Russell S. and Alyssa P.
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
I invented a silly game called “weather or not.” It’s easy to play although to qualify you have to have family in a part of the county with four seasons. My family happens to live back east. Here is how to play: In February, we have a sunny day with temperatures in the 60s. Back east they are getting hit with a major snow storm with a wind chill factor of minus 18 degrees. Do you call your family and rub it in? The correct answer is “no.” Avoid calling at all cost because they may catch on that shoveling snow is not romantic and will book a one way flight to the west coast. If they call you, check your caller ID and wait until April to call them back. In June when the weather here is overcast until 2pm with a high in the 60s, they are basking in an 85 degree sunny day. Do you call your family? The answer again is “no!” They hate humidity and spend their day running around smelling like goats hoping for an afternoon rain storm. The saving grace is an evening sitting on their front porch swatting at mosquitos.
Sometimes my Editor’s note is not particularly noteworthy … at least that’s how it feels to me. I tend to say the same things in different ways. Check out our funny jokes, be sure to read our columnist’s unique perspectives on life and don’t miss what our advertisers have to offer.
And we complain about the weather…
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
So there you go. Please do all that. In other news, June is a great month. Did you know, it has the longest daylight hours of the year in our hemisphere and the shortest daylight hours of the year in the Southern Hemisphere. Hmmmp. Did you know, this is Caribbean American Heritage month; it’s Around the Green month at the Golf Channel; bike week takes place this month; fathers are celebrated this month; there’s an entire day dedicated to skateboarding; zodiac signs are Gemini and Cancer; birth flower is rose. Now those are things of note!
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June 2015
www.foolishtimes.net “When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it.” “Sorry, replied Victoria, “but I can’t possibly sell you that.” “Oh, what a pity, but why not?” inquired Claire. “Because,” said the owner, “that’s my husband.”
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay Martin it’s your turn. What’s five times five?” “Twenty five,” says Martin. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get your answer?” “Easy,” says Martin, “just subtract 191 from Wednesday.”
Memory Test
Forget-me-Nots A man in his 80s went to the doctor for his annual health checkup. He told the doctor: “I’m getting really forgetful. I forget where I live, I forget where I’ve parked my car, and I go into shops and I can’t remember what it is that I want. And when I do get to the checkout, I find I’ve forgotten my wallet. It’s getting pretty bad, doc. What can I do?” The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Pay me in advance.”
Lazy is Not a Disease A 61-year-old man told the doctor that he was no longer able to help around the house like he used to. After the doctor had finished examining him, the man said, “Now, doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “In plain English,” said the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” “Ok,” said the man, “now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Can’t Kiss and Tell Two old men were talking about their distant youths. One said: “Can you remember the name of the first woman you ever kissed?”
His friend answered: “I can’t even remember the name of the last one!”
You Can’t Keep a Good Old’un Down Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80s, went to breakfast at Bert’s Café where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. “Sounds good,” murmured Rosa. “But I don’t want eggs.” “Then I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering à la carte,” the waitress warned her. “You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” Rosa spluttered. “Yes.” stated the waitress. “I’ll take the special then.” Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur. “How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked. “Raw and still in the shell,” Rosa answered with a glint in her eye. Rosa took the two eggs home.
Priceless Antique? Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains. One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. There, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop’s owner.
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor’s for their memory test. It’s a miracle they remembered the appointment! Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, “What is five times five?” “191,” is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, “It’s your turn. What is five times five?” “Wednesday,” replies Jenkin.
All my friends are worried that they are turning into their fathers. I’m worried that I’m not.
We know funny and this was NOT funny!
Someone tried to burn down our Food Bank 20% of our population receive food assistance We know how to help and here is how: Credit Card Donation: 831.758.1523 Mail a Check: 815 West Market St #5 Salinas, CA 93901
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June 2015
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy
FAST FOOD
BREAKFAST
If food were fast, we would all be running after it
First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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June 2015
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By Lily Brun
To Bee or Not to Bee By this time, most edible gardens are in full swing. Flowers are blooming, which means veggies and fruits are not too far behind. My apple trees, actually, already have apples … not quite ready for picking, but I’m starting to plan for apple pan dowdy. And, I ate my first raspberries this morning on my breakfast bowl of granola. While I’d like to believe that my stellar gardening know-how and techniques are at the root of this success, I have to give credit where credit is due … the pollinators, and specifically, the honey bees. Honey bees are, well to quote a euphemism, the bees knees. They’re industrious, hard working, pretty savvy when it comes to finding nectar and, without them, many plants would just not bear fruit. You know those beautiful squash blossom flowers, the precursor to zucchinis and pumpkins and so many other yummy squash varieties? Well, they need honey bees to make their tasty progeny. One flower is
male; one female. It takes a honey bee to hook them up. What’s in it for the honey bee? Nectar. Pollen. What’s in it for us? Honey! Here’s an amazing statistic: the US Department of Agriculture estimates that honey bees pollinate more than $20 billion worth of crops each year. On average, Americans eat about 150 million pounds of honey a year. To quote another euphemism, honey bees are … busy. All that buzzing around connects them with millions of flowers. One hive can produce about 60 pounds of honey a year. All for one purpose. And, sadly, it’s not for us. All honey bees bow to their Queen. Every one of the 230 beats per second of their wings is in service to Her; building the honeycomb palace, caring for the royal young and protecting the kingdom. Now don’t get a bee in your bonnet about all this. Fortunately for us, honey bees don’t need all of the honey they make. Just enough to get them through the tough times. And that time is now for the day laborer of the honey bee clan … the worker bee. They’re flying their tiny black and yellow
bodies to death. Hundreds of hives are being shipped around the country to pollinate all types of nut orchards; melons and squash; thousands of fruit trees. So many flowers, so little time. They worker bees are the drones of the garden - the unmanned aerial vehicles sent in to seek out every flower, retrieve as much nectar and pollen as possible and return to the hive unscathed. They have a good six weeks of hard work in the fields and then they’re busy lives are done. But the gardens and orchards left behind in their wake are blooming masterpieces. We all benefit from the busy
honeybee. So, entice them to your garden by planting sunflowers and marigolds and snapdragons and bluebells. Add to your culinary war chest and put in an herb garden with mint, rosemary and thyme. No noble suffering in the garden. To bee is the answer.
Love and fear. Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other.
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The Flamingo Have you ever stopped to think Why flamingos are so pink? ’Tis not the artist’s craft or guile Applying rouge all the while. We are schooled you are what you eat And to these birds shrimp are their treat So ’tis the color from their food Which makes them a pinkish brood.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
They take in water high in salt And seem to thrive without a fault I wonder if their food and drink Gives their breath a fishy stink? Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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June 2015
Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Once upon a time, right from the beginning, it started with you. There you were all pink and stink and wearing it like a champion. As of late, you resemble uninspired food that wolves can sneer at. You’ve lost the appetite for a challenge because you’re forgetting where you come from. Pass the salt, or an onion? Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull A wildflower excursion is the best move you can make now. This is not a venture of instrumental means, just an avenue to take a break. You failed to fake the grass snakes on the playing fields of greedy business, because you are not full of Bull. However, your generous gesture of a pile of steaming manure left in their wake, has the stamp of bigness. You can really pick ‘em! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins It’s a Big Night and clean power tools are needed for prolonged quibbling. What this means for you is more juice for gab, hoorah! If you don’t jab food for thought down the throats of your guests you won’t have to check for nicks or cuts. It doesn’t mean you can’t rejoice on your birthday, but do listen for the white courtesy phone that directs you to your unclaimed baggage. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Keeping you restrained during your job performance review is like trying to give a pacifier to a groupie! Are you going to be Primo, or Secondo? Dine in
paradise or claw your way up from the bottom of the barrel? You know how you hate Chippino. Your recipe for success is about not trying to impress. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Sometimes you are a side of starch! Touch my Tucci were words inspired by Tim Pano. His mind was a vast supple menu. Opening your mind to new ways is essential. You are a great dish so why refuse to wear a pair of Gucci sunglasses at an unveiling! Ohhhh, the only failing here is that you are in the Pucci house now. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Instant results are intriguing, even beguiling, but not better than pasta alla Primavera! But, once you’ve glided on the grid of cyber function the Earth walk can seem laden with insipidness. Wearing a colander can be a gourmet experience or a destabilizing abruption. Burp! Scusi… Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Devising to keep paradise afloat! Difficult when it’s all for one and just for you. You are so tired of everyone’s inability to supply. How dare they bore you with their petty foibles. Yawn. You are chafed from these fundamental differences. What may restore you is some petroleum jelly stored in your vacillation buffet.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are not landfill for PodSake! You are a labour of love. When you are all alone with your fried egg at dawn, you may believe all your options are runny and foregone. Look into the reflection in the plate, portrait of perfection, easy to translate. Send yourself flowers Sunny Side Up - Pronto! Time to actuate. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer You may be attracting Paparazzi because of your Hollywood cellphone slumping-ness, or your freestyle frothiness. Here comes another one- Say Formaggio! The give-away here lies in your hips. Careful pivoting and jerking around paranoiacally like that could cause a lost connection! OMG! Then what… Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Forego the dream of self and find a new fresh embraceable you. With all your idle chatter, you are starting to sound like a rewards program, full of empty promises. You are so MUCH more than whimpering drool. Long or
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By Bini short, smooth or ridged, thick or thin, curves and crevices, noodle shapes absorb differently. Nestle in the twists of life’s sauce, so you won’t get overcooked. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier You are feeling listless because you lost your to-do list?! How about being a friendly friend to yourself for once and stop acting like you are coin operated. That LIST had you running errands that left you witless! The “list” is not your mistress of success. If you want to be a hit, reassess. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Walking with fins does speed up the need for a pedicure. How many miles you have scraped along the sands of society’s cruelest offenses: Glass, beer tabs, cigarette butts, and the occasional sand dollar on the brink of a powdered existence. This IS what you ordered, a life skipping over messages etched on the shores of time wading in waves that propel this dream of reality into rhyme.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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A Minnesotan Dad By Debbie Harris In the month of June, we observe Father’s Day, a day when we celebrate and remember our dads. My dad is from Minnesota and he has the don’t-go-to any-troublefor-me routine down pat. Garrison Keilor would be proud. If you offer my dad something you want him to have, you have to be persistent. He’ll always say no first, even if he really wants it. It’s in his DNA. “No, that’s too much trouble,” he’d say. At Christmas and his birthday, he always tells us not to get him anything and then he’ll verbally fuss as he opens his gifts. “You weren’t supposed to do this,” he’d lament. On the way out, he’d thank us and scold us at the same time. One year for his birthday I found the perfect card for him. On the outside it said, “Every year you always tell me not to get you anything for your birthday, so this year I didn’t.” And inside the card it said, “In fact, can you reimburse me for this card?” My older son suggested that we just take that card back from him each year and give it to him again the next. I’m not sure if it’s a Minnesotan trait or not, but dad has always been a man of few words; he has a very quiet, low-key presence. But when he says something, he makes the words count. He can be sitting quietly with a group of people who are talking and all of a sudden, he pops off with a zinger. When we had a high school graduation party for my older son, I made a short speech thanking everyone at the party for their participation in my son’s life. They clapped. My son stood up to add his thanks to mine but
first cleared his throat. My dad immediately said, “Yay!” and clapped his hands. Everyone busted out laughing.
Part of his vocabulary has always been “Rightee-o, very good, and okiedokie.” Dad has some standard sayings. If someone asks him if he got a haircut, he says, “No, I got ‘em all cut.” “How are you doing?” someone might ask. “Fair to middlin” would be his response. Part of his vocabulary has always been “Rightee-o, very good, and okie-dokie.” At the end of a phone conversation I always hear at least one of those. On a few occasions, he’s rattled them off rapidly to try to get them all in before I hang up. When the family gave dad a surprise 75th birthday party, all he said when he walked into the courtyard of his apartment complex and saw a gathering of family and friends, was “Weh . . heh…ell” with a smile on his face. With jokes, when someone else is
laughing heartily, dad might just grin. If dad grins, it’s really funny. I guess it’s in the genes because one time dad told me. “My dad (meaning my grandfather) never got very excited about anything.” “Dad,” I returned. “Your dad had 14 children. I don’t think that’s quite true.” Dad grinned. Dad’s newest repeated word is “whatever” and it goes along with the don’t-go-to any-trouble-forme bit. Recently he asked me if I knew anyone who could hem some pants he’d purchased. “I can,” I said (and he knew that because I’d done it for him before). “Nah,” he responded. “Of course I’ll hem your pants,” I prodded. “Wellllll . . . . whatever,” he added. My sons love to use Grandpa lingo. Whenever I talk to them about their Grandpa, they decorate the conversation with “okie-dokies,” “rightee-o’s” “very goods” and their favorite, “Weh . . heh . . ell!” So I hope all the dads have a “very good, okie-dokie, rightee-o” Father’s Day. And happy belated 89th birthday to my dad (May 23). Next year for your 90th, we may just try to get to you say “Weh . . heh . . ell!” again.
Riddle Me This? I start with ‘P’ and end with ‘E’, but I have thousands of letters. Who am I? Answer: Post Office I am the biggest letter in the alphabet since I contain the most water in the world. What am I? Answer: The Letter ‘C.’ I have 28 days in my month. Which month I am? Answer: Every month - they all have 28 days. What is the word that is spelled incorrectly in all dictionaries? Answer: Incorrectly. Everyone in the world breaks me every time they speak. Who am I? Answer: Silence. Four children and their pet dog were walking under a small umbrella. But none of them got wet. How? Answer: It was not raining! It is your possession and belongs to you. However, you use it very rarely. What is that? Answer: Your name.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I’m the most slippery country in the world. Which one am I? Answer: Greece
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FOOL CURB on the
June 2015
Super Summer Specials
This month our intrepid Fool put on his bowling shoes for a walk about at the local lanes. Q1: I heard there’s a Federal Law against using your cell phone while bowling. Is this true?
Q2: Have you ever bowled over-hand? Jess
Answer 1: Is that a challenge? No, it’s not true … I’m about to [talk on my cell phone], let’s test it! Answer 2: Yes, I have, I broke the floor … no, not really, it was scary! It was just loud, I was just “Yeaaah!” And it rolled and everyone [in the alley] just stared at me.
Noah
Answer 1: I can test that right now, we’ll check if the Feds bust down the door and come get me for doing this. Answer 2: As a kid, my Dad would take us out bowling all the time and I was always taught to never do that. The only time I ever did that was more when I threw it from my lane and it landed in another lane … yeah, that didn’t end well.
Shane
Answer 1: I’ve not heard anything about this, but I would not be surprised [if it was real]. I’ve seen chairs and beer bottles, but never that! Answer 2: I don’t think it would be possible unless you’re using a really light ball … yeah, no, that’d be really difficult.
George
Answer 1: I’ve never heard about that … I would be pretty surprised if it were true. Answer 2: No. Never. Never. I would run after it because it would probably break the wood.
Miggi
Answer 1: Nah, I’ve never heard of that. I don’t really follow that stuff. Answer 2: I’ve wanted to, but that wouldn’t be too good, probably would get into some trouble.
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Happy Father’s Day!
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June 2015
Dadu
By Richard Matranga That second string holiday we call “Father’s Day” is right around the corner. I can’t get too excited about a day that wasn’t officially proclaimed “special” until 1972, by Richard Nixon. Of course, I have an attitude. Father’s have been around for a long time and they are just getting around to acknowledging us? Ward Cleaver, Jim Anderson, Lucas McCain, Ben Cartwright and TV shows like “Father Knows Best,” “My Three Sons” and “Make Room for Daddy,” all featured “dad models” that contributed to the acknowledgment of fathers as something more than just bread winners. Somehow, though, I couldn’t buy into the
saccharine, phony portrayal of fatherhood. My major influences came from hours of watching and emulating Foghorn Leghorn, Homer Simpson, Michael Corleone (the Godfather) and Clark Griswold and his cousin Eddie in “Vacation.” So, why suddenly, is this day being elevated, ostensibly, at least, to the same level as Mother’s Day? We live in America where economics play a major role in shaping our values and priorities. There are 70 million father’s in this country. Their “special” day generates about a billion dollars in sales, a compelling theory offering an explanation for the relatively sudden homage being
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
www.foolishtimes.net paid to the third Sunday in June. That may conclusively answer any inquiries about the formal proc-lamation of “Father’s” Day, but being a student of Socrates, a silly question lingers in my mind. What makes a good Dad?
When I reflect on my skills as a “dad,” I realize that I did a lot of improvisational stuff. I remember leaning over my boy’s crib, watching as he pointed upward and hearing him utter the word, “Dadu.” My heart soared. His mother was crushed. It was looking pretty good for me as a dad. But I had about 17 years to muck it up. When I reflect on my skills as a “dad,” I realize that I did a lot of improvisational stuff. When my boy reached the age of about three, he would occasionally veer off in a direction that was not good. That’s when I would remind him that his older, stronger, bigger and smarter brother, Billy Joe, would have gone in a different direction. Billy Joe became the preferred tool for modifying behavior. He lived in Chicago with his mother. At least that is what I told my son. I got a lot of mileage out of Billy Joe, may he rest in peace. Like most dads, I wanted to serve
not only as a moral leader but a model of athletic excellence. With Parkinson’s disease nipping at my heals, I decided that I would have to “talk” my way into being a role model. My boy knew from observation that I could no longer sink a lay-up. He had seen me fail to get the bat off my shoulders to connect with a 39 mile-anhour fast ball at the batting cages. There was no refuting the documentary evidence though. I had proof that I had scored two points in my high school basketball career. Maybe it was the sibling rivalry that sparked his mak-ing the varsity basketball team. It sure wasn’t me. And “Dadu?” After hearing him say that word a few more times, I noticed that he was always pointing at the same time, not at me, as I originally thought, but at ceiling fans, where ever he spotted them. Just when I was going to put this one in the “fail’ column, I opened my email last night. There was one message from my boy. It said, “I love you, Pops.” Signed, Billy Joe. Richard, a native Californian, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at which time he began writing his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life … with a humorous “bite.” Check out his blog, dickiedidit. wordpress.com.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
Answers on page 24
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Rules for Hunting Lawyers It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection.
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
In the Land of the Free Although I grew up in Mexico, I never felt like I belonged. My ideas were different, my goals were different and for that, I was made fun of in high school just because I dared to dream big, I had no idea how I was going to achieve my goals, but I did not let them destroy my dream. Ay si! Cree que va a salir de pobre! That’s Spanish for: you ain’t got it! Broke, broke, you’re broke. I don’t even know why. We were all in the same crappy public school! I don’t have the Latina sass. I do not dance. I have never been in a fist fight. I never thought
of shaving my eyebrows and drawing them back on and I can’t remember the last time I stabbed somebody. When I got my first job in America, I started saving my hard-earned money and paying for community college. I did not buy expensive wallets, clothes, perfumes, shoes, shades or a car. I had a bus pass and a bus pass wallet! Say what?! Like in the Jungle Book: I had the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities. Tuition is an expensive mistress. Long-term decisions needed to be made, besides, who needs multiple pairs of shoes? I only got two feet. I was
a minimalist before it was hip. Minimalist also sounds better than broke. Ahead of my time before your time, son! Raising the roof was never hip.
I had a bus pass and a bus pass wallet! In order to enjoy the freedoms that I now possess, I had to give a little part of me. Serving in the military gave me the tools I needed to become successful. Use the tools you are given wisely and great success will come to you and you will be proud, because you earned it. Not all of us can be a Kardashian. The ones from the show, not the one that defended OJ. I can see why some women might be jealous of me. I’m a confident individual and I know that haters gonna hate, but I am not a hater and I could care less
about someone else’s opinion about me. Unless, you think I’m great, in which case you would be right. Never give up. Those who are lazy and jealous will try to hinder your goals and diminish your accomplishments, but you must not let them. Especially family and friends, and boy are those guys going to try. Look at Jesse James, killed by a foe disguised as a friend. Samson was betrayed by Delilah. Eve ruined Adam. Yoko broke up the Beatles, and the list goes on and on.
No man is responsible for his father. That is entirely his mother’s affair.
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June 2015
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By Chuck Shepherd
Too Much Money • Larry Ellison, the CEO of Oracle Corp. (and the world’s fifth-richest person, according to Forbes magazine) is a big basketball fan and was reported in April to have an interest in purchasing the Los Angeles Clippers NBA team. An Ellison associate told the Wall Street Journal, for example, that Ellison has basketball courts on at least two of his yachts and shoots hoops for relaxation on the open water. To retrieve his errant shots that go overboard, Ellison hires a ballboy in a powerboat to trail the yachts.
Latest Religious Messages • Speaking on a popular Christian Internet podcast in March (reported by Houston’s KHOUTV), Pastor John Benefiel of Oklahoma City’s Church on the Rock described how, in a 2007 blessing, he might have prayed “too hard.” He was attempting to help drought-stricken Texas and Oklahoma by using a specific prayer message (the “Baal divorce decree”), but that inadvertently resulted, he said, in “every lake” in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri rising above flood stage, causing thousands of people to lose their homes and 22 to lose their lives. • In his March 23 sermon (according to Huffington Post), Phoenix, Arizona, pastor Steven Anderson of the Faithful World Baptist Church explained
in detail why women in the congregation must refrain from speaking during services. Citing 1 Timothy 2:11 and 1 Corinthians 14, Anderson said the woman should learn only “in silence.” “Now obviously, before the service begins,” he conceded, “there’s chatting and talking going on that’s perfectly legitimate. (And when) we all sing praises to God, of course the ladies should also lift up their voices. But when it’s learning time, it’s silence time (for females).” (Also, he said, since the comment “Amen” means “That’s true,” it would be inappropriate for females to utter it.) • At one Hindu temple in India’s Kerala state, the religious gift of choice -- both for offerings to the deity Lord Muruga and for distribution from the deity to devotees -- is the chocolate candy bar, which visitors bring in cartons, according to a March report by the Press Trust of India. (Muruga is the son of the lord Shiva and was originally worshiped as a child, leading to speculation that he would respond to chocolates.) • Details! After convicted murderer Loren Larson Jr. filed a federal lawsuit in Anchorage, Alaska, claiming that his prison wristband ID “defil(ed)” him religiously because it was a “mark of the devil,” a Goose Creek Correctional Center official lectured him on the Book of Revelation. Actually, wrote the official, we would be commanding the “mark of the beast” only if
we ordered the ID either “in the right hand” or “in the forehead,” and neither is required by current wristband policy. (Hence, the double-murderer, serving 198 years, still qualifies to avoid hell.) • An unnamed British inmate published a letter in a prison newspaper in April alleging continuous religious discrimination against him by guards and officials. The man claims he is a practicing Jedi (and of course cannot reveal his name because he fears retaliation “from the dark side”) and complains that Jedi-ism, though officially recognized as a religion in the UK (the 7th-most popular, according to the census, with more than 175,000 adherents) is nonetheless unacknowledged by the National Offender Management Service.
Inhumane Society • Denmark’s Copenhagen Zoo aroused worldwide ire in February when it slaughtered and publicly dismembered a healthy young giraffe (“Marius”) in order to feed a hungry lion. Then, in March, the Zoo killed four healthy lions to make room for a new male. By contrast, reported Vice.com in April, Denmark has no law against humans having sex with animals (unless it amounts to torture). Animal rights campaigners have recently expressed alarm that Denmark will become a destination for “animal sex tourism” attracting horny “zoophiles” from around the world.
Questionable Judgments • Manhattan’s New York Sushi Ko is only the most recent sophisticated restaurant to feature creative dishes made with Hormel Spam, and foodies and hipsters in fashionable neighborhoods have flocked to the foods. Spam is a well-known delicacy in Hawaii,
and the New York facilities offer the island’s musubi (fried Spam, rice, seaweed) and other Spam fried rice bowls with seared ahi and flourishes of fresh pineapple, according to an April report on Gothamist.com. Sushi Ko’s chef playfully acknowledges that his contents are fresh—“fresh from the can” and sourced locally —“from the nearest bodega.” • O Canada! Skylar Murphy, 18, happened to show up at Alberta’s Edmonton International Airport in September 2013 with a black-powder-loaded pipe bomb in his carry-on, ready to board an international flight. Agents confiscated the bomb but allowed Murphy to continue on his trip, and in fact police were not notified, nor were possible “terrorism” ties examined, until four days later. (Canada’s version of the Transportation Security Administration is not allowed to apprehend or detain passengers.) In December, the harsh hammer of justice finally slammed down on Murphy. He was fined $100 and sentenced to a year of probation. • Unclear on the Concept: Britain’s most-tattooed man (the former Mathew Whelan, 34, now “King of Ink Land Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite”), whose body is 90-percent ink-covered, finally acknowledged in March that he needed to undergo laser removal to clear up his skin. However, “Body Art,” as he is known, then explained that he was spending the equivalent of about $10,000 on removal just so he could start over with new tattoos. (Read more weird news at www. WeirdUniverse.net; send items to WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679.) Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-5817500
June 2015
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Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
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Pot Shots at Pop What Famous People Said About Their Dad Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. –Red Buttons By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. –Charles Wadsworth
I once said to my father, when I was a boy, ‘Dad we need a third political party.’ He said to me, ‘I’ll settle for a second.’ –Ralph Nader
It is admirable for a man to take his son fishing, but there is a special place in heaven for a father who takes his daughter shopping. –John Sinor
My brother Bob doesn’t want to be in government - he promised Dad he’d go straight. –John F. Kennedy
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. –Jay London The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. –Bertrand Russell My dad was in the army so we moved around a lot and I changed schools every year and had to make new friends, and I found that if I was the funny guy I could do that easier. –Jason Gann
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
My dad once told me, he was like, ‘The only time you should lie is when someone’s holding a gun to your head and says ‘Okay, lie or I’m going to shoot you.’ And that really stuck with me. –Jaden Smith
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? –Henny Youngman I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. –Jeff Foxworthy When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn’t take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light. –Les Dawson
Without my dad, I wouldn’t be here.
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June 2015
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Summer Bike Safety Tips for Riding in Monterey County • Visibility is crucial. Ride with highway flares in each hand.
The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality
• Lightly oil your chain. Then, dip it in flour and deep fry it.
by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.” A. Mitch McConnell B. Mark Twain 2. “The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.” A. Helen Hayes B. Miley Cyrus 3. “Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.” A. Edward R. Murrow B. Queen Elizabeth II 4. “Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” A. Babe Ruth B. George Orwell 5. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” A. Jack Benny B. Socrates 6. “Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?” A. Jules Feiffer B. Billy Graham 7. “Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.” A. Mao Tse-tung B. Russell Baker 8. “I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” A. Steven Wright B. Galileo Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-A 7-B 8-A Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Listless 5-6 Petulant 3-4- Lovable 1-2- Glutinous 0- Hysterical Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
• Use hand signals. We all know motorists pay attention to our signals. • Insist on a bike made of solid materials. Liquid and vapor bikes are just a fad. • Always wear a helmet. Think of it as a crown and your new name is King Silllylooking. • Bike safety can’t be stressed enough. When in doubt, please stress it as much as you possibly can. It will never be enough.
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The Drought and True Love
by Rex Keyes
Ah, summertime is once again upon us. But summertime this year is different from previous ones. Because of the drought, people are replacing their lawns with astroturf or drought resistant plants with a drip watering system. Is there anything good that can come of this drought? Well, body and underarm deodorant sales should skyrocket since people will be taking fewer showers. And at work, more people will bring air fresheners just in case the
body deodorants fail on some of their fellow employees. The air fresheners will be the plug in type or the spray. Profits in the companies that sell these products should increase and therefore their stocks should be a good buy. People who are environmentally aware may not be taking their cars to the car wash as often. There may be some layoffs at those companies. But it doesn’t rain too much in the summer so a car is not likely to get as dirty or muddy as often as in winter,
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June 2015
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. –Jim Gaffigan
so there may be no impact on the car washes. Previously to save water, one could have parked and washed his car over the lawn and killed two birds with one stone, but with no lawn that scenario is out the door. I would say the sales of car covers would increase, but we may be too lazy to put them on every day. And speaking about birds, what will happen to them with water restrictions and no birdbaths for them to clean themselves and drink water. Oh the poor, poor things. Hint: Hide your birdbath so the birds can use it and no one will see it and report you to the local water cops. We birds of a feather must stick together.
Body and underarm deodorant sales should skyrocket since people will be taking fewer showers. And in agriculture, one of the biggest crops in the last couple of decades has been rice farming where they flood the fields in Northern California with water. Oh my gosh, no more California
rice! I forgot about the rice lobbyists in Sacramento. They may loose their use of water. We may have to buy rice from China or Vietnam. I hope they have enough rain there to grow rice for us. It only rains over there on a regular basis either weekly or monthly. Oh, I’m sorry I got a little political. It won’t happen again. So here is a secret way to beat the drought. As far as showers go, find out when city hall turns on the sprinklers to water their lawns (they are exempt from water rationing). Then put on your bathing suit and get under the sprinklers and take a shower. Ok you hippies from my generation, you do have to wear a bathing suit. It is not like in the 60s. This generation will arrest you. My last comment about the drought is that it will make it easier for one to find true love. Everyone is looking for true love and the drought is an excellent opportunity to find it. When you get a little intimate and there is no body odor or deodorant smell on your perceived true love, that means he or she has defied the drought restrictions and taken a shower or bath before meeting you and holds you in high esteem.
Wedding Bells Ring Most Often This Month! Answers on pg 24
Bouquet White Rice Minister Bride Groom Tuxedo Love Gown Ring New Borrowed Cake Blue Champagne Invitation Honeymoon Diamond Happy Together
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June 2015
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Tips for Making a Mid-Life Career Change:
• It’s easy to go from store greeter to grocery bagger if you believe in yourself. • Have the right mental attitude. Try not to think how unqualified you are. • You were born to be an insurance agent! Chase the dream. • It may be very hard to make a change if you have a family. Consider leaving town and changing your identity. • Become a movie writer. You watch enough of them to know it’s just making up stuff for people to say. • You’re never too old to go back to college. You’re just too old to fit in socially.
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June 2015
You Never Know By Rosie Sorenson If you’re one of those people whose every drawer, bookshelf, magazine rack and flat surface is perfectly ordered, nothing out of date, no dust bunnies in sight, then this piece is not for you. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you next month. If you’re like me, however, and the entirety of your home could be described in House Beautiful’s “Before” column as an assemblage of items entitled “You Never Know,” then you share my pain. I’d much rather do anything than organize my spice rack (well, actually, I don’t have a spice rack because I don’t cook.) Hypothetically speaking, a spice rack is a good idea until you realize that you would have way more fun writing a story, or playing with the cat than you would if you sat down to inscribe on tiny shiny labels the words “parsley,” “sage,” “ rosemary” and “thyme.” Oh, look, Sugar is lying in the sunbeam. Let’s go give her a belly rub! And, there’s Billy. Wanna play catch, Sweetheart? Or, “Hey, Steve – want to knock off and go to Pt. Reyes for the afternoon?” Now, that’s my idea of spring cleaning – de-cluttering my mind while absorbing the beauty of nature, dust bunnies be damned. But, alas, when the cats start knocking over my carefully (sort of) stacked piles of papers, books, and magazines so that they collapse in a jumble, I flip into crazed Martha Stewart mode. “Oh my God, who made this mess?” It’s as if my inner Pig Pen gets shoved aside by my inner Neat Freak and she is horrified,
horrified, I tell you, at the mess that has been created (note the use of the passive voice – no responsibility here!) My stuff is now getting so out of control that I might even qualify for the TV program, “Hoarders.” (Please do not submit my name! How humiliating would that be?) Zoom shot, interior of Rosie’s loft. Attractive TV personality turns to Rosie, who is sporting a Trader Joe’s paper sack on her head with tiny cut-out slits revealing the shame in her eyes. “Well, Rosie, can you tell us what’s in this little container?” says the host holding up the small white gift box. Peeking through the hastilyslashed eye holes, Rosie grabs the package and lifts the lid. “Uh, well, anyone can see that these are a fine pair of beautifully crafted chop sticks, with accompanying ceramic chopstick holders. We got them as gifts when we went to South Korea in 2005.” “Do you plan to use them?” “Well, no. I’ve never mastered…..” Rosie’s voice trails off. “And, you’re keeping these, why?” “Uh, you never know . . . I mean, I might suddenly get the urge to learn how to use them, or I might give them away to a chopstick-loving friend….” When I was growing up in the Midwest “Spring Cleaning” was an honored ritual. My Mom would launch herself into a bucket of “Spic ‘N Span” and scrub down every surface. I am clearly not my
mother’s daughter. In fact, if one had been tracking my cleaning schedule all these years, one would find that I’m still working on the Spring Cleaning Ritual Tour of 1998! Indecision is a big part of my dilemma. That and the fact that you never know when you might need something. Haven’t we all tossed things into the trash, and then the next week rued our hasty decision? I have an HP printer that copies just fine, but no longer takes orders from my computer to print. So sad. We’ve been friends for several years now and I hate to let her go. She printed drafts of my first book, hundreds of photos, letters, and now she seems to have stopped talking to my computer. I have tried everything to bring her back to life. I have uninstalled, reinstalled, uninstalled and reinstalled the program so many times that I feel like a wrinkled dollar bill being rejected by a change machine. I spent two hours on the HP website looking for help and after finding no solution, I attempted
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to send an email to Customer Support. I filled out the form as instructed but when I entered, then re-entered my email address, I kept getting the message, “You must enter your email address.” I couldn’t submit my request until their computer was satisfied with my input, which it never was. This is not the first time I’ve experienced such a devious tactic. I believe it’s a company’s way of saying, without saying, “Look, we’ve got our own problems; why don’t you just go away? So, my printer needs to go either to my computer guru to be fixed, or to Staples to be recycled. I’m torn. I don’t want to shell out bucks only to find out that the guru can’t fix her. But, at the same time, I hate to let her go because she makes beautiful copies. And, I’m forever hopeful that one day she and my computer will make up. You never know… Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT is an award-winning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www. theyhadmeatmeow.com Visit www. zazzle.com/theyhadmeatmeow to order original greeting cards, t-shirts, mugs, etc.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
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June 2015
CARPE MA Ñ ANA
By Ted Gargiulo
Okay, so the world didn’t end on December 12, 2012. Or have you forgotten all about that already? All that hype and hysteria over nothing. The ancient Mayans had calculated things wrong—simple as that. You knew all along it was bunk, didn’t you! The world had never ended before, and there was no reason to think it would this time. Say what you want now. But I’m willing to bet that a small part of you felt—relieved? gratified?— when you awoke the morning of December 13, fully intact, fully cognizant, and realized that everything was as it was the night before. You reached for your spouse, she reached for you, you looked at each other, and you thought: we’re okay! We’ve got time! Isn’t that what most people secretly long for? More time? More chances? After all, what good is success or material happiness if the cosmic clock snatches them away before you’ve had time to fully savor them? So relax, you’re safe. For now, “Life
as We Know It” feels a little less urgent, and a little less precious, than it did when you thought it was about to end. Furthermore, seeing yet another end-time prediction fizzle out merely lends credence to the notion that the world is probably more resilient, and more forgiving, than prognosticators and religious zealots throughout history would have had us believe.
People were sincerely spooked when they believed a technological glitch would bring the civilized world to its knees. I suspect that not everyone was equally thrilled on 12-13-12. Some looked at their clocks that morning and realized, to their dismay, that they still had to be to work. They rummaged through their bills and bank statements and saw they were still in debt.
They looked at the calendar and thought, “Bummer! Only 12 days ’til Christmas, and I haven’t bought any gifts!” Perhaps the only thing more worrisome than thinking the world will end is figuring out what to do when it doesn’t. Remember Y2K? Huh, yeah! People were sincerely spooked when they believed a technological glitch would bring the civilized world to its knees. Naturally, a level-headed person like you would never lose a moment’s sleep fretting over a number! Or would you? Admit it, the scenario was chillingly plausible at the time—far more compelling than what some ancient, defunct civilization might have predicted thousands of years earlier. All that panic does seem ludicrous now in retrospect. Skeptics love to joke about how everybody else overreacted to the crisis while they maintained their cool. Yet, how many “sensible” folks, I wonder, were holding their breaths on New Year’s Eve, 1999, when those dreaded digits finally turned and ushered us
www.foolishtimes.net into 2000? How many naysayers secretly thanked God (whom they purportedly don’t believe in) when the anticipated mayhem (which they didn’t take seriously) failed to materialize? What’s your story? Maybe what you experienced turned out to be less of a reprieve than a letdown, even a betrayal, when computers and information systems around the world didn’t crash, and power grids didn’t shut down, when planes didn’t fall out of the sky, trains didn’t collide, traffic didn’t dissolve into chaos, financial institutions didn’t collapse— and, consequently, your boss still expected you to show up on Monday! Amazing how quickly “seize the day” loses its appeal once a person figures he has forever in which to seize it.
I’m not lazy... I’m just on my energy saving mode.
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“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
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June 2015 “It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. The doctor asked if she could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Which is Farther Away? Roe vs. Wade The professor teaching an American History class asked a blonde in the class what she knew about the Roe vs. Wade decision. She pondered this weighty question and finally answered, “I think that is the decision that George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”
Winning at Lotto A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself. “My child, work with Me on this … Buy a ticket.”
Golf and Tennis A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls. A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Honest Mechanic One blonde related to another, “I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off. But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
Mirror, Mirror Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
Not at all tasty A doctor was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, “So, how was your breakfast this morning?”
Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, “I wonder which is farther away, Florida or the moon?” “Duh...” siad the other, “Can you see Florida from here?”
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and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. “I finished the exam in half an hour,” she explained, “but now I’m rechecking my answers.”
Heads or Tails The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,
Join Us! Saturday & Sunday
Breakfast Bur ritos $6.50 Bloody Mar y Bar
Monday
AYCE Spaghetti $7.95
Tuesday
2 for 1 pints
The Best Char-Broiled Burgers!
Wednesday
Steak Night $16.95
Open Daily at 11am
282 High Street, Monterey
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June 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
Every Saturday and Sunday in June
June 14
Flag Day
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s oldest comedy nightspot featuring local and nationally known comedians. www.planetgemini.com
June 5 -7
Monterey Wine festival
The first flag resolution was passed this day in 1777. It is a full year after Betsy Ross claimed to have made the flag. Matters not, she had season ticket to Phila. Eagles games and gets credit for the first flag! CA is the 31st star.
Summer Solstice
Celebrate the 39th edition with a list of events to satisfy the taste buds of both foodies and wine enthusiasts. West Coast Chowder Competition on Saturday. www.montereywine.com
June 4
Hug Your Cat Day
We can learn a lot from a cat. They are the person you want to be when you grow up. June is Adopt-a-Cat Month. www.spcamc.org
Donald Duck Day
He is quick-tempered when things don’t go his way. He also has a heart of gold and is very devoted to his friends. Our favorite duck is 81 years old today.
Oldtown Salinas Art Walk
June 19
Dave Mason
Still rockin’ after 50 years! Co-founder of the band Traffic and a long illustrious solo career. Expect to hear lots of Traffic. Expect to be wowed! www.goldenstatetheater.com
June 20
The longest active art walk in the county. Always inviting interactive artist receptions, music, dance and performance. ww.oldtownsalinas.com
Carmel Valley Art and Wine
June 5 Meet artist Daniel Van Gerpen and view his 33 pieces along with work from five other artists including YAC members. www.pgartcenter.org
The longest day of the year and the start of summer. If you need more info Call Norm Hoffman. Tell him we said “Hi”
June 9
June 5
Artist Reception
June 21
June 13
Monterey Beer Festival Like the song says, “In heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here…” A day wrecker of beer, beer and more beer is on tap today. Montereybeerfestival.com
Wine, artists and olive oil makers are the stars of this day. Music, food and always…sunshine! carmelvalleywinefestival. com
June 21
Father’s Day
“I am your father” Heck of a way for Luke to find out! It wasn’t until 1972 that then President Nixon signed off making this a federal holiday. Come on fellow Dads, cheer up, men are always behind!
June 26
Forgiveness Day
A special day to set things right. Let’s put aside old differences, move beyond grievances and start afresh. Note: It is not “Apology Accepted Day!”
June 27-28
Monterey Bacon Fest
What was the MB Americana Fest. Two days of great music headlined by Albert Lee and Jim Lauderdale and everything bacon, although not Kevin. montereybaconfest.com
June 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
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