March 2014
You’re telling me, if I pee on the grass
I GET A TREAT?
New Feature: Thrift Store Trail, Back Cover
AWARD WINNING
COMMUNITY
THEATER
Now Two Monterey Locations!
World Premier
A Live Musical Tribute
O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?
DAD’S PORN STASH
By Local Playwright Mark Cunningham
Feb 28 - March 8 2115 N Fremont St Monterey
A knee slapping evening with The Soggy Bottom Boys! March 21 - April 12 320 Hoffman Ave Monterey
The story of Alcoholics Anonymous
80 performances on Broadway!
BILL W. AND DR. BOB
THE LYONS
Starring award winning actor L.J. Brewer as Bill W. and Chuck Messenger as Dr. Bob Feb 28 - March 15 320 Hoffman Ave Monterey
Deliciously dark and hilarious By Nicky Silvers March 28 - April 19 2115 N Fremont St Monterey
Win tickets to all these shows! pwtickets@foolishtimes.net
Feburary 2014
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Admin Fool...............................Lisa C. Sales Fool............................Rhonda T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde
Contributors Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Dorothy Maras-Ildiz, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Chuck Scardina, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood
When
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Editor’s Note
I’m sick and I know exactly how it happened. While I’m not blaming my new eye doctor; she was professional and knew what she was doing. I just need someone to be the fall guy for not feeling well and acting like a baby. Like most men, my accountability gene goes haywire when I’m sick. Upon examining my eyes she told me that I have blockage in my tear ducts and demonstrated how to lightly massage my eye lids to open up these tiny ducts. Whatever Miss Eye Doctor thought this little exercise would do to help; it released something and made me sick as a dog. I know that statement is offensive. I apologize to the dog. I beg to be sick as a dog! Follow a dog around for a few days and stick your mouth where they do. I guarantee that you will be a dissected lab experiment in an underground medical facility for what modern medicine can’t identify while the dog will still be smiling and wagging his tail. All this is making me want to cry. I think those salty drops of water rolling down my cheeks are tears. Like the rain we finally had, my tears are also very welcomed.
March. The word is imbued with motion. Let’s go, it implies. Move … decidedly and with purpose. This is the month that winter is on its way out and spring is almost upon us. The other morning I was taking a walk-about in my garden and noticed that my tulips are blooming. Even without any water (we’re in a drought, so watering is done only a need-to-water basis), there they were. March. An imperative to get up and get going … even my tulips were with the program. So, in keeping with the month’s dictate, I say to you, march to your nearest Foolish Times pick-up spot, sit down and read it cover-to-cover, march out and spread laughter by re-telling all of the hysterically funny jokes, tidbits and comments you glean from it. You’ll be glad you did! And so will we. Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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February 2014
www.foolishtimes.net “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman’s Hermits “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who “Bald Thing” by the Troggs “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revivial (our personal favorite)
Balding Problems A Senior Wedding Little boy: “Did you hear about the 88-year-old man and the 79-year-old lady that got married last week?” Little girl: “Did they throw rice at them?” Little boy: “No, they threw vitamins!”
Hair Parts The older a man gets, the more ways he learns to part his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they have around on their head to cover their baldness. However, as a man gets even older, he realizes there are basically only three ways to wear his hair - parted, unparted, and departed.
No Questioning You’re getting old when there’s no question in your mind that there’s no question in your mind.
Slap-Fest An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. “Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!” said the woman.
“Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?” the daughter asked in disgust. “Oh, no!” her mother explained, “I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!”
Re-released hits for baby boomers: “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra “You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores “A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles “Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. “We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith. “Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.”
Aging in Denial “Now, Ms. Lyons,” said the doctor, “you say you have shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?” “Why, I’m going to be 39 on my next birthday,” the woman replied indignantly. “Hmmm,” muttered the doctor, “Got a slight loss of memory, too.”
Dr. Logic A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor’s office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; “My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?” The old lady replied, “He gave me a longer cane!”
Feburary 2014
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City & bottles 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations.
CAFÉ KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor. Seafood, steak , salads and the soon to be famous “Ship Sinker” Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.920.3563
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288
SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting. This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality. Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave. Monterey 831.373.4647
ITALIAN Gianni’s Best known for their pizza, has a great extended menu of pastas, ravioli, lasagna salads and hot baked subs 725 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.649.1500 Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating their 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811
THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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February 2014
Laughter: The Splendid Spirit Lifter “When I’m happy I feel like crying, but when I’m sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it’s better to be happy. Then you get two feelings for the price of one.” – Lily Tomlin After a program for an Ohio insurance company, attendees left the Cleveland hotel and I was collecting the materials used in my presentation. As I headed for the entrance a well-dressed middle-aged man burst through the doors, spotted me, and rushed over. Good heavens! I thought. This fella is stressed out. Wonder what’s bothering him. He paused for a moment, straightened his tie and then tried to smile. “I was half way home,” he began breathlessly, “but I just had to turn around and come back.” Then he related this story: “I heard you speak today and I wanted to tell you, I’ve been having a lot of problems with my teenage son. He’s been using drugs. He’s made our lives a living hell. The police arrested him three days ago for selling cocaine. I haven’t been able to sleep. My wife is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I came to hear you today because I needed a break from all this stress.” The man was clearly upset, yet there was spirit and a sparkle of hope in his eyes. As he unfolded his gloomy tale he slowly began to unwind and soon he was speaking with less emotional tension. “When you talked about seeing the funny side of life and told those comical stories I began to relax. I started laughing, like never before. It was as if a boulder had been lifted from my chest. I began to breathe much easier. For the first time in months I felt relief. I realize now how important it is to never lose your sense of humor – no matter how tough things get.”
An excerpt from our resident humorists’ book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.
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By Dorothy Maras-Ildiz
A
hhhh Spring...the reawakening of all things colorful and tasty. Flowers bloom, asparagus and morels are in season, Easter ham is right around the corner and yes ... it’s time once again for a bevy of fabulous food events; an extravaganza of excess and pile of perfection. Is it odd that all of the seasons in my mind revolve around food? First up in the line-up of lusciousness is the first ever Relais & Chateaux GourmetFest (www. gourmetfestcarmel.com) slated to take place from March 27 to 30 with most events scheduled to occur in what is being called the Sunset Center Luxury Tent. The line-up of chefs for this event is only outclassed by the wineries that will be pouring. All 19 chefs are first rate and show their skills at exclusive Relais & Chateaux properties. The list reads like the who’s who of chefdom- Three Michelin Starred Christopher Kostow of Meadowood, Patrick O’Connell from the Inn at Little Washington, Michael White of Marea in NYC and Michael Tusk of Quince in San Francisco, to name just a few of the captains of cookery. The wineries include – DRC (if you have to ask what this is, you don’t deserve to drink it), Champagne Krug, Chateau Cheval Blanc and local wineries, Roar, Pisoni, Morgan and many more. Go sip, savor and swirl at this first time event! The seventh annual edition of the culinary juggernaut event known as Pebble Beach Food & Wine will take place April 10 to 13 on the hallowed grounds of Pebble Beach. Four days of heavenly hedonism and raucous revelry will launch on Thursday,
with the Opening Night Reception at The Inn at Spanish Bay. Two Iron Chefs, Masaharu Morimoto and Jose Garces, will be throwing down their best tastes as well as Top Chef Masters contenders, Elizabeth Falkner, Jenn Louis and Rick Tramonto. Chopped Celebrity Chef Judge, Marc Murphy will be on hand as well as Nancy Silverton from Mozza and Osteria Mozza in Los Angeles, Charles Phan of the Slanted Door in San Francisco and about 20 more of their most talented friends who wear white coats and juggle sharp knives a lot.
“Is it odd that all of the seasons in my mind revolve around food?” Other chefs in the PBFW line-up include fan favorites Michael Symon and Carla Hall of The Chew, Andrew Zimmerman of Bizarre Foods fame. PBFW will be featuring close to 100 of the brightest culinary stars and more than 200 wineries during their four day extravaganza of excess. The entire schedule of events, chef list and winery participants can be found at www.pbfw.com . Tickets sell out and sell out fast, so get yours now. Following that little event you’ll get a few weeks of recovery time until Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Cooking for Solutions hits town from Friday, May 16 to Sunday, May 18, but this may be too much information to digest all at once so I’ll save it for the April edition of Foolish Times. Catch you around town and remember- Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full!
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ook out world! When it comes to cup holders in cars we are the most advanced nation in the world. No one else can compare. When we drive we have to have that coffee or soft drink. When Americans buy a car one of the most important items they look at is the cup holder. In my 2002 Ford Explorer it has cup holders for the front and back seats. And in the cup holders there is a notch in the side of every one of them that allows for the handle of a coffee mug. Of course, there is one big flaw and that is that the cup holder is not large enough to accommodate the infamous Big Gulp. But in front of the cup holder there is a large enough open space to allow one to place their cheeseburger and fries.
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At the drive-thru, after receiving your order, you place the soft drink in the cup holder, and then place the cheeseburger and French fries in the tray. And before you drive off, open the packet of ketchup and squeeze it all over the fries. Now you are ready to drive, drink and eat. Now, that is Nirvana! As you know there is a law that has made talking on your handheld cell phone illegal because it is a distraction. In California, one politician wanted to make driving and eating illegal as a similar distraction. Of course that never made it through the legislature, as it would have been considered unAmerican. To paraphrase a famous quote, “I will give up my Big Gulp and Whopper when you pry them from my cold dead hands.” Of course, the most advanced engineers in the U.S. were the ones
who designed the old Plymouth Voyager. It was a van that was designed for mothers to take their kids and the neighbors’ kids to school or baseball practice. The Voyager was the most famous of any American vehicle for their cup holders.
I will give up my Big Gulp and Whopper when you pry them from my cold dead hands. But alas, I was brought up to modern day living by a car salesman. He stated that 20 year olds now look at cars for their electronics. Does it have a plug in it for a smart phone, and an Ipad? And can I talk to the car and say like, hey, call my girlfriend, or
text my boyfriend or access my Facebook? Or computer, find me the Cherry Bean Coffee House in Salinas or find me the East Village Coffee House in Monterey. And the voice from the dashboard says, “Um, anything you want, just give me a couple of microseconds you handsome boy.” Ah yes, that is the now generation. You know what, that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe I can get one of these cars in Marilyn Monroe’s voice instead of singing, “Happy birthday, Mr. President” to sing “Happy Birthday Rex” and answer all requests in Marilyn Monroe’s voice. Of course then there is Mae West’s voice, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.” Decisions, decisions! Wow, the new generation, I am all onboard!
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February 2014
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net A Retiree’s Last Trip to Publix Supermarket Yesterday I was at the Villages’ (an area north of Orlando full of retirees) Publix, our large food chain in Florida, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I
ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Publix won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Thank you Miles Burke!
Southern Hospitality One day, a very gentle South Carolina lady, returning from Church and visiting a sick friend, was driving across a high bridge in Charleston. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ (“fixin” in South Carolina means: has the means or abilities to take action) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, “Please don’t jump! Think of your dear mother and father.” He replied, “My mom and dad are both dead, I’m going to jump.” She said, “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.” He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.” She said, “Well, then you just remember how wonderful our
southern heritage is.” He replied, ‘’What’s southern heritage?” She replied, ‘’Well bless your heart ...just go ahead and jump then.” Thank you Miles Burke!
Be Careful What You Ask For A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a Living Will. “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife got up, unplugged TV and threw out all the beer.
Out of the Mouths of Babes A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; “Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?” The mother paused and looked at her daughter. “Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey.” The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. “Mother?” She sweetly asked again. “Yes?” Her Mother replied. “Why is Grandmas’s hair all grey?”
Pretty Darn Smart A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
What does a lawyer wear to work? A law suit!
Feburary 2014
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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram March right through the Big Apple core and take no seedy prisoners. Pioneering as Machiavelli you pull people toward you with your magnetic and upbeat manner. But, you always leave somebody crying in the bathroom. Not everyone has the characteristics of Marietta Corsini. She was a saint!
Leo: July 23 - August 22 The Lion “Dead Cat Bounce” You want to be the best, the brightest, the biggest! You wanna be somebody. (How’s ‘bout chiu?) So the numbers dropped, as does the rain, pliff and ploff. Soooo the duh Jones, just cycles ya know, all will come round again and again, take stock, when it does.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20 The Bull Puccinelli said: Rinascimento you bum steer! But you’ve got to weigh your station. Rebirth is on its own clock. All that shoving and snorting is going to keep you standing on line. Think of the subway as a ribbed vault, a Gothic revival, showing you the same friendly faces every day. Whoa! That pointed arch of yours just poked your fellow passenger in the eye. Run! ... Run!
Virgo: August 23 - September 22 The Virgin
Gemini: May 21 - June 20 The Twins As elusive as Mercury! Swift as the wind ~ In Roman times Mercury was the God of thieves, full of guile. Now, YOU, they can smell coming like a hot New York afternoon, perfume and garbage. Lay low out of the limelight flow. Take your March marching orders and straighten out your cage. When in Rome … Cancer: June 21 - July 22 The Crab Useless in Seattle! Down back to the shore you go, to Lawn Guyland. Don’t be schlock, you know you need a change. C’mon get your kit’n kaboodle and skadoodle your way back to your ol’ stoop. Reminisce, rekindle, reboot … and watch out for the poop!
Aaahhh Shaddap! You can expect tongue circumcision when you are so elaborately direct! You have virtually done yourself in with all the gab. A virgin that never sleeps is practically an oxymoron. Get some rest, maybe a couple hundred years ... Galileo was pardoned in 1992, so chin up! Libra: September 23 - October 22 The Scales You are always schlepping! This here and dat der...sheez! No wonder you have been fantastically charmless lately. To restore, you must be delivered from this evil knows as busyness. Get a slice. Eat. Just Eat. No! No fork, no knife. Scorpio: October 23 November 21 The Scorpion You are always about dat! But now, you are ass-out. You are masquerading as egg cream with no egg. No artificial sweetener is gonna cut it. Hangin’ out with the Outta Town Cats gotcha a little bit of diss an’ dat, some heat eh? If you wanna get out of the kitchen learn the ropes, revive your dream, and fetch off the dopes. See ya in the hood. Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 The Archer Appalling wild promise you made! Twenty minutes in your Pedicab
around all of Gotham, that would floor anyone. Wasn’t your fault you ran over a squirrel and that guy while he was singing Julie Andrew songs. That was a long time ago, now resurgence is necessary. Back into society you go, back to the business of life. Get some cawfee, a biali or two-- it always helps . Capricorn: December 22 January 19 The Goat Truth is, in many senses we are always in some mid-renaissance. A nascence is occurring in your shadow self. This is good medicine. Pantomime if you have to but stay in the game. Keeping steadily in sight that whispered distant promise of success. You’re just shedding the old goat smell, pally.
By Bini
Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier What is going on hea! Lack of momentum? Here is how it must be; the waning and the waxing shapes are mingling and the new forms emerging. Grab the post-its, yes, the blue one’s, and mark the cycles, you will then see the shape of things to come. Pisces: February 19 - March 20 The Fishes It’s never been so good! This is not even as good as it gets. Late winter brings Jonquils, Jazz and a Birthday Jig, which is something like a jolly quip. What YOU feel concerns ART. The rest is rubbish. But, don’t be
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January 2014
What is your most unusual pairing with peanuts or peanut butter?
FUNNY BONES
By Stacy Liniger
JOKES
Go ahead, Peanut Butter me up! While on a safari in Tanzania, Melissa Pickford, MPC Art Gallery curator, enjoyed peanut soup containing boiled peanuts, onions, carrots and peppers. Peanuts in my soup … what are the chances … doobie doobie do… exchanging glances…..
SUBMITTED
What did one eye say to the other eye? Don’t look now, but something between us smells. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. Missy is the front desk gal at Premier Vein Care in SLO. Just like her jokes she is short, sweet, and funny.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
When art department head, Jamie Dagdigian, isn’t using an onion to teach layers in his Graphic Arts class, he slices it up and eats it on a cracker with peanut butter.
Mike Oswald, student, claims he eats peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. I thought he was just trying to peanut butter me up … and then I saw him! Asked at the Monterey Peninsula College art department
BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Answers on page 20
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By Tom Burns
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Saint Pat’s Party
looked at the calendar and made a statement that made Rex shiver and almost collapse in his tracks. “St. Patrick’s day is just around the corner, Rex. Time for another party ...” I’m sure a dog’s memory is not as full and vibrant as a human (I’m guessing on this one,) but his legs began to buckle and I could see the terror of last year’s party etched on that small, black Dachshund physiognomy. “I think we’ll give it another try this year. I’ve notified the police. And I FaceBooked it, so I’m sure the NSA will be on standby.” Rex slowly tried to inch his way out of the room. “Not so fast, Bucko. Things will be different this year. Only 10 kegs of beer instead of last year’s two dozen.” That seemed to calm him and minimize his attempted escape. Last year a small army of uninvited guests appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I think the guys at the liquor store were involved in the information dissemination. The Regional Sales Rep from Budweiser showed up at the party to thank me personally for keeping their company in the black. The party started out on an even keel. My then girlfriend, (notice past tense) Kimmie the CPA, had come early (non-sexual context implied) and helped set up the chairs, tables and brought her version of Irish Kiss of Death Meat Loaf. (It’s still in my fridge.) Last year’s party, Rex had gone on what we call a good, old-fash-
ioned binge. In the wee hours he was actually arrested and carted off for drunk and disorderly behavior. He had a lampshade on his head and peed on the arresting officer’s patent leather shoes. Bail was set at $10 and I bailed him out of the SPCA the next day. My reference to my exgirlfriend Kimmie the CPA stems from one of the uninvited guests, Da- kota, a beginner pole dancing student from Merced, and her ambitious plans to move in with me under the guise of being a one-night Couch Surfer. She had a rather impressive amount of beer in her and I found her naked as a jaybird in my shower.
screws in the door hinges out as she slammed the door. Del and Estelle lay prone, like corpses, face-down on the living room carpet after I threw a towel on Dakota and left the bathroom. Rex was walking in circles. Frequently, a dog will make a few circles before they finally lay down. But Rex just circled. I think he feared that if he did lay down, the room spinning would propel his last meal and the seven beers out of his stomach. The cops had been to the house twice already, and after they arrested my dog, they came back
to join the party. Dakota and one of the two cops had a naked limbo contest with my free weights bar in the spare bedroom. Dakota went home with that cop. Kimmie went home with the other. Haven’t seen her since.
Rex (and Tom) can be reached at tomburns100@yahoo.com
“I’ve notified the police. And I FaceBooked it, so I’m sure the NSA will be on standby.” She flipped open the shower curtain, all soapy in a sea of Zest bubbles, and asked me, “Hey, want to touch these, big guy?” The timing couldn’t have been worse. Kimmie sailed into the bathroom a second later. In a Ricky Ricardo impersonation, she yelled, “Tom ... Tom ...? You’ve got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.” Of course I could not ‘splain. Dakota gave Kimmie an unfriendly suggestive digital gesture and then she tried to pull me in the shower with her. I fell (in the tub) and she collapsed like Building #7 on top of me. Kimmie tore three of the six
First Wife Strategy A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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February 2014
By Mary Tompsett
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elcome once again to this award-winning inspirational column, which oozes from an abyss ... no, that’s not right ... springs from a fountain of wisdom and spirituality. For years I’ve blessed readers with insight gleaned from such favorite topics as leprosy or the cardinal sins. Still, one wonders, why are cardinals the only birds to have sins named after them? C’mon. In my neighborhood, I know quite a few finches and robins who ain’t no saints. And just last week I called the cops on a sleazy looking rosebreasted titmouse. Anyway, leprosy isn’t caused by sin, which is surely a relief to many of you. I’ve heard the disease’s rotting sores are caused by a virus. Whatever. I suggest you stop reading and wipe down your computer and phone with Clearasil. Speaking of leprosy, I’ll bet a dozen disgusting green doughnuts that you didn’t know St. Patrick’s Day began in Ireland’s leper colonies. Yes, the holiday was cooked up by an outcast gang of leperchauns. In addition to being notoriously bad spellers, the ugly fairies ditched their traditional rags and paraded through Dublin in green leggings, pointy shoes, and belt buckles the size of hubcaps. Aye, laddies, those buckles would’ve made a champion bull rider weep with envy. Legend has it that the first majorette was an Irish wench missing eight fingers. She repeatedly dropped her baton until embarrassed parade officials stuffed her into a clown car, where she slow-waved at the crowds with her remaining pinkies—yes, the first beauty queen wave. As for any lepers without feet, we can surmise that
www.foolishtimes.net marching the 10-mile parade route turned out to be, well, a bitch. All you history buffs may be interested to learn that lepers would ring a bell as a warning to others. The behavior was probably not mandated by an actual law, though it does sound like something California would pass. Lepers who didn’t comply were commonly punished by being pilloried in the town square. No, this has nothing to do with a pillow fight. Look it up! The pillory was eventually discontinued because lepers often escaped, carelessly leaving behind a trail of ears and hands. On the other hand, so to speak, perhaps the warning bell was simply etiquette among very considerate lepers. And when it comes to making a joyful noise, I think managing a few ding-a- lings would be a helluva lot easier than, say, wrestling a tuba. Regardless, we can thank our leprous amigos for the rise in popularity of church bell choirs.
Yes, the holiday was cooked up by an outcast gang of leperchauns. Are you shy in social situations? Need help making small talk with strangers on the bus? Remember, thou art a child of the universe! Put on a confident, toothy grin and tell your fellow riders that lepers are 83.4 percent more likely than plague victims to join a circus. Then, when passengers nervously hustle to a different seat, follow them and mention the fact that lepers’ careers as trapeze artists often end quite badly. And while the bus driver dials 911, do offer to smear his phone with Clearasil. Copyright © 2014
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NOBODY does it like BECKHAM By Rosie Sorenson may have to start shopping at Macy’s again. Not for the clothes, but to thank them for at last placing an ad in the San Francisco Chronicle that women can adore. Macy’s soft-core ads of females have appeared in the Chron for years. You know the ones -- a nubile young thing wearing the latest in skimp, looking out at the reader with her “Come-get-it-big-boy!” stare. As a heterosexual woman, I’ve never figured out why these Macy’s ads should look like the covers of Playboy which in turn look like the covers of Cosmo. It’s not
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like I’m going to drool over the models who appear there. I guess the deal is that somehow I’m supposed to identify with the girl and to pretend I’m on the cover looking out at the masses of men with an inviting, yet sullen stare. That always seemed a little kinky and convoluted to me. Perhaps someone has already written a dissertation about this, but I digress. Only occasionally has Macy’s given us girls someone studly upon whom to cast our desiregaze, but often the hairless boymen they chose were not worth a second look. But, now! Now, they’ve given us (take a breath) » pg 17
Feburary 2014
www.foolishtimes.net We hope the luck of the Irish is with you all month! Answers on pg 20
Potato Rainbow Hebrides Whiskey Stout Luck Island Castle Dublin Green Shamrock Blarney « pg 16
David Beckham and not just any old David Beckham. We’re talking full-page, ab-rippling, tattoo-sporting, thigh-spreading Beckham wearing only a fierce scowl and his Emporio Armani underwear. Oh, be still my hot little heart!
“We’re talking fullpage, ab-rippling, tattoo-sporting, thigh-spreading Beckham.” There he is with his body hair intact. You gotta love Macy’s for that! The only complaint I have is that his package is presented all-too-modestly. This from a company that has no problem revealing ample implanted cleavage at every opportunity. What’s a girl got to do to get equal time around here? During the interlude when
Celtic Pot Gold
Briar Irish Wish Beer Leprechaun
I lived at Esalen in the 70s I must have seen more than 2,000 naked bodies of both sexes. So, it’s odd to me that whenever I read a review of a movie that states nudity is involved, you know it’s going to be a naked female, although that fact is never explicitly stated. If, on the rare occasion that there is male nudity, the reviewer usually makes a big deal of it, especially if it’s full frontal. This is wrong. Women should demand equal time. I say we institute a new movie rating policy so that for every naked breast we see on the screen, we also see one naked penis. Two naked breasts – two naked penises. You get the idea. How hard could it be to keep track of that? And, to kick off this new policy, my first choice would be: Beckham. Oh, and he can leave his Armanis at home.
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By Debbie Harris
I
understand the need to learn how to use computer technology. It’s new; it’s does things we’ve never seen done before. But why do we have to keep relearning how to use the restroom? I’ve been using the restroom by myself for decades, yet I still find something new I have to deal with every time I go into a public restroom. When did toilet paper rolls become huge cheese wheels mounted in a plastic dispenser? If you are the lucky winner to get a brand new wheel, you may have the challenge of trying to get the wheel to move. And when did toilet paper become the thickness of two paper fiber molecules holding hands? A heavy wheel and shear paper equals lots of tiny thumb-shaped pieces of paper that, no matter how wadded up, are not useful. And what happened to perforations on toilet paper? Can we have those back? With perforations we had a fighting chance of tearing off a useful piece of tissue. Now we have to wrestle with the dull teeth of the dispenser to try to pull off the right sized piece. Whenever I try this, I usually have enough paper leftover to wrap a mummy’s sprained ankle. Let’s make the paper functional, please? If we must have sensor flush toilets, please perfect this technology. We don’t want to have to do two verses of The Hokey Pokey (the parts with the arms) to get the toilet to flush when we’ve completed our business. Nor do we want to shift slightly on the seat to reach for the paper and receive a full geyser all over Australia (the land down under). Then we need a lot more paper to dry off, resulting in another fight with the cheese wheel. Washing hands has because more complicated. We have to wave our hands near the sensor of the faucet to get the little gremlin inside to turn the water on. If he’s awake, we get it right away. If not, we keep waving. As soon as the water is on, the gremlin falls asleep.
Getting soap can be a hit or miss proposition. I seem to get the soap dispensers that are on time delay. I push the button for soap and hold my hand under the dispenser and wait. And wait. When I give up and move my hand, the blob of gel soap plops out, landing in the sink. From there I try to catch the sliding goo and use it to wash my hands. After rinsing, I yell, “Stop the water!” to the gremlin and look for how I will dry my hands. If I see paper towels, I smile. Ah, the oldfashioned way. I know how to do this. But more often I’m confronted with drying my hands with an electric air blower.
And when did toilet paper become the thickness of two paper fiber molecules holding hands? The standard blowers are usually mounted about four feet up from the floor, causing me to raise my arms to put my hands under the dryer. I press the on button with my elbow and put my hands under the spout. Given the laws of gravity, this position causes the remaining water to dribble down my arms, while the skin on my hands wobbles like a turkey gobbler under the air. My hands are dry when all the water has reached my elbows. The newer electric driers are a little better. They are an extended vertical George Foreman grill mounted to the wall. Wet-fingered people place their hands inside the unit like they are grilling their fingernails and the air blows up. The water flows down and the air blows up—better. If we absolutely can’t have paper towels, please give us the Foreman grill dryers, ok? Dry hands usually indicate the end of the restroom experience. You made it! You met the challenge. No gold medal, but an accomplishment none-the-less. Whew!
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February 2014
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TED interviews TED By Ted Gargiulo
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The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman
1. “You can’t have everything... where would you put it?” A. Fidel Castro B. Steven Wright 2. “The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” A. Cher B. Confucius 3. “Politics is made up of two words. “poli” which is Greek for “many”, and “tics”, which are bloodsucking insects.” A. Gore Vidal B. Babe Ruth 4. “There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” A. Emily Dickinson B. Will Rogers 5. “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” A. Joan of Arc B. James Thurber 6. “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.” A. Henny Youngman B. Billy Graham 7. “I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.” A. Joe E. Lewis B. Mitt Romney 8. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” A. Peter Pan B. Groucho Marx Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-B 6-A 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 8- Grumpy 7- Sneezy 6- Doc 5- Happy 3-4Sleepy1-2- Bashful 0- Dopey Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.
ith the long awaited publication of Ted’s new book, The Man Who Invented New Jersey (2013), the infamous bad boy from Brooklyn, retired blue-collar wunderkind, cardcarrying contrarian ... and Foolish Times contributor ... has revealed a whole new dimension of his quirky self. Behold: the real Ted Gargiulo, more or less, as you’ve never seen him before! From the wistful to the sarcastic to the downright tragic: the author lets down his scalp and gets personal in his first volume of fiction since He In Me (2004). Fans of Ted’s previous writings (he does have a few) will discover a smorgasbord of topics and styles in this smart collection ... “a little something for everybody,” he tells us. “I kept the entries short and sweet. Some turned out sweeter than others; some not so short. I have my favorites. Overall, I think the assortment is fairly well-balanced. Probably better balanced than I am.” It was Ted’s wife Jann who encouraged him to write a book of short fiction. She noted that people today have brief attention spans (like Ted), and prefer shorter works that they can pick up and read on the run. A book of bite-size offerings, she reasoned, would go over much bigger than Ted’s last major opus nine years ago. “That poor, neglected novella,” he says (referring to He In Me), “has been sitting idle for so long, it’s got hair growing on it. Jann keeps assuring me that will not be the case with these stories. She says there are readers out there who are hungry for what I have to offer. That may be so. But wherever these would-be fans are, they ain’t camping out in zerodegree weather waiting for my book to drop out of the sky.” Jann remains undaunted by these initial setbacks. “She’s my number one fan, supporter, critic and
spiritual counselor,” Ted says, “and I’ve learned to trust her instincts. (She also makes a mean lentil soup!) Sometimes she foresees events that spook me out, like death or disaster or extreme hardship, and I pray such things never come to pass. Thankfully, she has been wrong on several occasions. I do so hope this is not one of them. To paraphrase Fox Mulder on TV’s X- Files, ‘I wanna believe’ that her confidence in Man/ Jersey is justified. Whether it is or not, of course, will depend on readers.”
“Overall, I think the assortment is fairly well-balanced. Probably better balanced than I am.” Against his better judgment, and contrary to his original design, Ted ended up penning a 130- page elephant (On the Culver), which he deliberately placed last in the collection. “At first, Jann thought I should remove it. I told her that was out of the question, as I had already put my whole self into it. That story has more of me coursing through its veins than I have coursing through my own. In the end, I was glad I had followed ‘Culver’ through to the end, even when I wasn’t sure where it was taking me. Turned out to be the crowning achievement in my collection—possibly the single most daring stretch of this fabulist’s imagination, and one of the finest things I’ve written.” Right now, Ted may be the only person who’s pleased with himself. But hey, it’s a start!
Feburary 2014
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Nonsense • The croissant was invented in Austria. • In eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from bananas. • African Grey Parrots have vocabularies of over 200 words. • A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21 inch tongue. • The sentence, “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English alphabet. • The Grand Canyon can hold around 900 trillion footballs. • All the blinking in one day
equates to having your eyes closed for 30 minutes. • Your foot has 26 bones in it. • The average human brain contains around 78 percent water. • Your brain uses between 20 and 25 percent of the oxygen your breathe. • 1 nautical knot equates to 1.852 Kph (1.150 mph). • If you add up all the numbers from 1 to 100 consecutively (1 + 2 + 3...) it totals 5050. • Sponges hold more cold water than hot. • Lightning strikes the Earth 6,000 times every minute. • Fire usually moves faster uphill than downhill. • Cats have over 100 vocal chords. • Camel’s milk doesn’t curdle. • Elephants sleep between 4 and 5
hours in 24 period. • Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. • There is no such thing as a naturally blue food. • Honey is the only natural food which never goes off. • M&M’s chocolate stands for the initials for its inventors Mars and Murrie. • That you burn more calories eating celery than it contains (the more you eat the thinner you become). • The longest street in the world is Yonge street in Toronto Canada measuring 1,896 km (1,178 miles). • About 90 percent of the world’s population kisses. • In every episode of Seinfeld there is a reference to Superman. • Sound travels almost five times faster underwater than in air.
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Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything? No, what about him? Now he’s trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball! Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies!
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“An exemplary failure is in forfeiting juicy chances at the palavering importance of foolishness.” By Sir Henry Turnstile IV, thrice removed from the palace due to a unwavering act of churlishness & wonder.
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can’t swim? Dead ones! How do Welsh people eat cheese? Caerphilly!
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February 2014
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Foolish Sudoku
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from page 10
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: “Quickly children, let’s put our heads together!” After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, “Now—Let us spray!”
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HANDYMAN Bob
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
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REAL ESTATE The “Golf” Coast of Florida
is warm & affordable with the greatest sunsets on Earth seanjtrinkle.homesandland.com 806.206.8179 Lic# BK3240757
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Paint your own ceramic studio 100’s of unique items. We also host special events, birthday parties, and art classes. Walk- in welcome 831.372.0124 Tenthstreetceramics.com
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CLEANING Peninsula Cleaning & Moving We love to clean! New client discounts Last minute appointments Family owned and operated Bonded & Insured 831.373.6243
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Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer? A: “I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N....ah, oh well. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...” Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locked the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much. Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!” Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air
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Every Friday & Saturday in March
March 9
Salinas Car Show
Planet Gemini
Over 300 vehicles on display Music and of course a bikini contest. Salinas Sports Complex
Monterey’s #1 comedy and dance nightspot. The Lane brothers Feature local & nationally known headlining comedians.
www.streetlowmagazine.com
www.planetgemini.com
March 2
Forgiveness 20 years ago, Misty Wallace was shot in the face by Keith Blackburn. Both share the stage to tell of ultimate forgiveness First Presbyterian Church Salinas www.fpcsalinas.org
March 7-9
www.jazzbashbythebay.com
March 8-9
Parade of Gems
March 7
First Friday Art Walk The longest ongoing art walk in the county. The merchants of Oldtown open their doors and lend their sidewalks to artist receptions, live music, and dance. Stick around for the full experience and enjoy the restaurants. Oldtown Salinas www.artistasunidos.org/ Fridays
67th Annual Gem and Mineral Show. More than having rocks in your head. Award winning displays of gems, crystals, jewelry, fossils and much more. Free and family friendly Sprecklels Veterans Hall
www.salinasrockandgem.com
March 9
Daylight Savings Time It’s “Spring forward” time! If you still have a clock that needs to be set by hand, this is your day. Don’t blow it or you will have to move to Tennessee
Next Generation Jazz Festival Monterey Jazz Festival invites the top student musicians from across the country and around the world to participate. 11 groups from this event will be invited to perform at the 2014 MJF. Artist-In-Residence, Drummer Eric Harland is featured Monterey Conference Center www.montereyjazzfestival.org
Jazz Bash by the Bay Celebrating the music of the ‘20s and 30sThe festival brings together the many colorful forms of early jazz: The 34th edition features over 20 bands in eight ballrooms and cabaret venues under one roof, six dance floors plus a Saturday dance marathon. Monterey Conference Center
March 28-30
March 29
PG PRIDE March 17
St Patrick’s Day What began as a religious feast day for the patron saint of Ireland has become an international festival celebrating Irish culture with parades, dancing, corned beef and cabbage and a whole lot of green beer. We’re all Irish today. Please party responsibly.
March 23
Yesterday’s Treasures Antique & Craft Show More and more folks are finding great stuff they always wanted but for some reason didn’t get the first time around. Here is your chance to get it now. Monterey County fairgrounds www.montereycountyfair.com
“Public Response In Dollars for Education” Celebrates their 24th annual event at The Inn at Spanish Bay Over 35 local restaurants and wineries showcase their offering. All proceeds directly benefit the classrooms and students in the PGUSD. Sounds like FUN. www.supportpgpride.com
March 29
Comics for Kids The folks at Boys & Girls Club do some serious work for the community. This one night every year, they put on a world class laugh fest to support programs that help kids and families. Dinner, live and silent auctions with the very funny Robert Dubac, a veteran of late night talk shows and multi-platinum entertainer Michael Feinstein rounding out the evening. Very serious work indeed. Pebble Beach Food & Wine Grand Tasting Tent www.bgcmc.org
Feburary 2014
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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
STORE TRAIL
Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650 www.animalwelfare.org
Second Chance
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.372.2033 www.secondchancepg.com
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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Golden Rose
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THRIFT
Tailwaggers
The Best in Repurposed Items!
489 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4789 www.sancarlosschool.org Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122
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MPVS Benefit Store
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftstore.org
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NCI Affiliates, Inc. 110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899 www.nciaffiliates.org
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Featured Shop Tailwaggers is the benefit store for non-profit Animal Welfare Information & Assistance. Since 1978 AWIA has kept pets with their people in Monterey County by assisting with veterinary care and information.