Foolish Times May 2015

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May 2015

Bloom Fest Happy Dance » Pg 17 Event Calendar » Pg 26


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Joining Hands Benefit Shop

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SPCA Benefit Shop

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John's Consignment & Home Decore

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Second Chance

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Branches Resale Shoppe

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26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

RESALE TRAIL

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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Featured Shop

RIP. R.T

SPCA for Monterey County: Shop for gorgeous furniture, unique gifts, boutique clothing, housewares, artwork, jewelry, and more knowing that your donations help rescue pets and wildlife in Monterey County. November 20-23 is our annual Glitz & Glamour Jewelry Event featuring new, vintage, and costume jewelry, couture footware, and designer handbags. More info: www.SPCAmc.org


May 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools.......................Quinton G. Russell S. and Alyssa P. Cover By Alistair

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Russell Swartz

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

It’s May with a new crop of graduates ready to take on the world. These young people are different from us who are out of school and in the work force. They have really strong thumbs from texting. Pretty soon our society is going to be where we know how to read and write, we just have no use for spoken language. Could you imagine Jonny Carson texting his monolog on the Tonight’s Show? Are there new jobs out there that I don’t know about where a person has to accurately text 80 words per minute to qualify? With more and more visitors in our area we should all have our radar on and talk to them. Give them advice on where to spend their money and the quickest way to get back on highway 1 to go home. We can’t do this through texting. We actually have to talk to them. Take your young ones to Alvarado St, Oldtown Salianas or Cannery Row. Heck, just take them outside! Let them see you interact with people. Let them see you talk. This is a skill we need to reinforce to our children before it’s completely lost. On your outing, if you find yourselves in a dark alley and need someone to thumb wrestle you out of a situation, then you can use their greatest skill. Until then keep talking!

What would we be without mothers? Well, not here obviously. But we are here thanks to our mothers ... and fathers, but that’s a celebration for another month. We have lots of commentary about mothers in this issue. Apparently they have quite an impact on our lives. So we pay tribute. We take them out to brunch, we buy them flowers and chocolate, we send them cards and maybe, just maybe if we’re lucky that’s just enough to keep them happy for another year. It couldn’t hurt! Our advertisers have out done themselves with special offers for celebratory activities to do with you mother. Be sure to take advantage of these great opportunities. Why ... because I said so! Haven’t lost my touch I’m a mother too!

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

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Are We There Yet?

My Knee Hurts An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!” The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?” “I’m 98,” the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?” The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

Walking On Water Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and greatgrandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. “If they did it, I can too!” he insisted. When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake,

Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. “Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?” The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, “That’s because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear.”

Contemporary Art A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” “Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she’d pipe up, “Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?” “No, lady, not yet. I’ll let you know,” he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, “This is where you get out, lady.” “Is this Oriskany Falls?” “YES!” he bellowed. “Get out!” “Oh, I’m going all the way to Albany, sonny,” she explained sweetly. “It’s just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill.”

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

A Prayerful Voice Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. “I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...” His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

What a Kiss Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

I learn something new everyday. And forget five other things forver.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”


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May 2015

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

CAFÉ

SEAFOOD

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

FAST FOOD

BREAKFAST

If food were fast, we would all be running after it

First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038


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May 2015

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Gray Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Moving-Day Tips

In the past few weeks, the staff of Foolish Times has moved family and friends and offer these important tips:

• To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down and re-blown after moving. • Use your friends to help you move. The $50 you spend on pizza and beer for lunch will cost you 100 times less than hiring professional movers. • Boxes are an unnecessary expense. After placing possessions in the truck, fill to the top with packing peanuts.

• U-Haul saying that “Moving only $19.99” is a joke!


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May 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram HEROIC FEET! Quick and cunning those new Hermes tennis shoes andbneeded in these obstreperous times. You are in a restless transition and flying above everyone can really kill some boredom. I get that - but how do you intend to transmute your new obsession into a prosperous brazen vessel of possibilities? You have a running start-careful not to smack a pal with those wings of desire. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull EXALTED! Niccolo Machiavelli’s blunt and realistic view of nature may seem Much-a-ta-do about nuttin’! Bull Roar,”this” Taurus didn’t wobble with contemplation. He just knew and the sun came shining through. Being in denial about your brilliance is almost as bad as the Floridians in denial about climate change! A victory is twice as nice when the achiever sings- A carnival song for you is Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to you... Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins AMBITIOUS! Steppin Out of your 40 hour week and onto a dance floor, delightful! You bench your partners when they fall ill and you leave them at the next turning and wush them down the lane with a cheery refrain. HELLO!!! You left your heart in some local San Fran Disco!? Go find it!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab GRANDIOSE! You have discovered the structure of the imagination?! Can one truly diagnose? One note worth noting in your worthy notes is that a shortcut becomes a long cut that spills blue blood along the crags. Morose? Not if you release the wounded limb and feel how weeping is a washing. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion You are NOBLE as Napolean B. who snatched that crown from Pope Pius and crowned himself royal. A bit gauche - but not you, you are without bias. Selfassurance surrounds you like the hue from spring flowers. Now toddle off to the garden and grow something! A cutta-tomattuh... Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin In GREAT MEASURE of all Odds and bits of despair---we can only compare you with ultimately highly refurbished air! There is no other quite as nervous and controlled as you. Not no one can take away this pending inner work, not even Freud. However, Shakespeare grants you this: For which of my good parts did you suffer love for me? If this does not suffice, remember stretching is very fetching. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Such an ELEVATED STYLE you have in vacillation! Not even a broken Pirate Ship on a maddening sea could compare, perhaps comparable to a chiffon

gown in an a Siberian wind storm? Columbus teetered to Jamaica in May--I don’t know about you but I feel sea sick. Steady as she blows! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are a RHAPSODY FONDUE! You are the dark horse of what most of us cannot construe. A Nellie Bly-- (the social reformer posed as an inmate at an insane asylum to expose human conditions.) You always come through a reasonable creature, even after portraying someone unlikely to succeed. Be not too wise to woo a dream, you get more chocolate that way. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer LEGENDARY your panorama of exploits! Your great wit, a trip wire that twangs a bright tone, and chisel’s it’s way through the saturation of missed deadlines. Condensed milk version: You lack staying power, and yet possibility is an appointment you never forget. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat HERO thinks, surely she will die if he love her not! Do you need a Shake and a Spear to surpass the usual state of affairs?! For you CAP it’s no gingersnap to be unconventional. Do not let this hang on you like a disease. Remember reaction is what changes the play. Bate one breath for your cross-buns because calming your emotions is essential. You could always pose as your aloof Tartuffe and heavily impose!

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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier IMPRESSIVE! The Greenwich Village Follies was a good outward happiness for you. The Cooled steamy air around you has kept you somatically c’est ci bon! Because you are on an endless out of body experience, walking away from your mind is a great grace. Walk softly, look sweetly, and do the Saraband. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes EXTRA AMPERAGE! (Cuddlefish don’t compare) Your luminescence is not found in the visible...but it’s there. You are no longer the Harelip sucker you’ve been. Those murky waters cleared and you are back like a Chanson de Geste. You are a panoply of spikey narratives that depict the delicious ordeal of life. I see a pulitzer on it’s way. Fetch a number 2 pencil oh great Zander. Vundabar!

Today I will be as useless as the “g” in Lasagna.


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By Chuck Shepherd

Find That Genius! • Beijing Genomics Institute scientists are closing in on a technology to allow parents to choose, from several embryos, the one most likely to yield the smartest offspring. London’s Daily Mail (in January, referencing recent work in Wired, The Wall Street Journal and The New Yorker) explained that BGI will have identified high-potential mathematics genes (by mapping the cells of geniuses) so that researchers can search for those among a couple’s array of embryos. (Most embryos will yield gene arrays resembling their parents’, but one embryo is likely “better” —and maybe much better.) One Chinese researcher acknowledged the “controversial” nature of the work, “especially in the West,” but added, “That’s not the case in China.” The parental price tag on finding the smartest kid? Expensive, said a supporter, but less than upgrading an average kid via Harvard, or even a private prep school.

Can’t Possibly Be True • “This (was) my life,” said musician Boujemaa Razgui in December, referring to the 13 handmade flutes that he played professionally, “and now they’re gone.” Arriving in New York City from Madrid with the 13 woodwinds in his checked luggage, he was shocked to discover that U.S. Customs

had destroyed them without notice because “wood” is a restricted “agricultural” import. (Unsophisticated agents had apparently regarded them as mere bamboo.) Razgui plays all over the world including, since 2002, with the Boston Camerata ensemble staged by the city’s Museum of Fine Arts. • A Georgia Regents University’s dental school official acknowledged in December that the school would likely continue to conduct research on the mouths of stray dogs solely to test a coating that might inhibit infections in humans’ dental implants. The work is controversial because the only way to study the installed implants is to remove them, after euthanizing the dogs. (Also, the research is sponsored by commercial dentalimplant companies for a market dominated by elective cosmetic patients.) (However, a GRU professor noted that implants are also functional, as they inhibit infections that might reach the heart’s lining and other locations.) • Saved by the Blimps: Americans who have grown accustomed to hearing that the U.S. is militarily without peer might have been shocked to learn in January (as CBS News reported from a Pentagon interview) that America has “practically zero capability” either to detect enemy cruise missiles fired at Washington, D.C., from offshore, or even worse, to “defend against (them).” The

Pentagon’s interim makeshift solution to protect the U.S. capital, said an official, is to launch two blimps, soon, to float two miles up over a base in Maryland to try to spot any such missiles. • In February, a California Highway Patrol officer handcuffed and threatened to arrest a firefighter performing an emergency roadside rescue along Interstate 805 in Chula Vista, Calif., because the rescuer would not move his truck from the fast lane, where it was “impeding” traffic. Firefighters are required to block lanes during rescues, specifically to “impede” traffic for their own protection and that of victims nearby. CHP and the Chula Vista firefighters later jointly called the incident a “miscommunication.”

Unclear on the Concept • Oregon inmate Sirgiorgio Clardy, 26, filed a handwritten $100 million lawsuit in January against Nike for inadequately marketing its Air Jordans. Clardy, a convicted pimp, had received an “enhanced” penalty for using a “dangerous weapon” to maim the face of a john, i.e., he had stomped and kicked a man after accusing him of skipping out on a payment, and the “dangerous weapon” was apparently his shoe. Clardy said Nike bears at least some responsibility for his incarceration because it failed to label the shoe a “dangerous weapon.” • Ed Forchion sits in a jail in Burlington County, N.J. (where he will reside for a few more months), serving a term for possession of marijuana. However, for 10 days each month until his release, the same judge who sentenced him has promised to allow him to go smoke medical marijuana in California to relieve pain from his bone cancer. (Forchion was convicted of possession before New Jersey legalized medical

marijuana.) (Update: Four days after a Trentonian columnist’s story about “Weedman” Forchion, and the subsequent Internet frenzy it wrought, Forchion’s judge commuted the final 130 days of his sentence and freed him.) • In a December letter to the University of Minnesota president, a coalition of black student organizations demanded an end to racial profiling, especially in light of recent campus crime incidents. “(C)ampus safety should be of the (university’s) utmost importance,” they acknowledged, but among the organizations’ complaints was that when “be on the lookout” alerts were issued (usually based on victims’ descriptions of their attackers), innocent black students feel “discomforting,” “negative psychological effects” -- because the alerts so often describe black attackers. • Officials at the Emu Plains Correctional Center near Sydney, Australia, announced in January that they had preempted a planned escape by two female inmates, ages 32 and 21, after finding a 60-foot length of tied-together sheets in a cell. Nonetheless, the officials said they were puzzled, in that Emu Plains is a one-story facility, enclosed, wrote the Daily Telegraph, by a “not particularly high” fence. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

I hate when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.


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May 2015

We know funny and this was NOT funny!

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “At every party there are two kinds of people -- those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” A. Ann Landers B. Chiang Kai-Shek 2. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” A. Plato B. John F. Kennedy 3. “In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.” A. Konrad Adenauer B. Tutankhamen 4. “Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse” A. Pope Francis B. Groucho Marx 5. “You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.” A. Joan of Arc B. Germaine Greer

Someone tried to burn down our Food Bank 20% of our population receive food assistance We know how to help and here is how: Credit Card Donation: 831.758.1523 Mail a Check: 815 West Market St #5 Salinas, CA 93901

January 2014

6. “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” A. Henry Aaron B. Mark Twain 7. “To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” A. Oscar Wilde B. Jack LaLanne 8. “When you get to be our age, you all of a sudden realize that you are being ruled by people you went to high school with. You all of a sudden catch on that life is nothing but high school.” A. George Washington B. Kurt Vonnegut Answers (all true): 1-A 2-B 3-A 4-B 5-B 6-A 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Agnostic 5-6 Uncoordinated 3-4-Spiffy 1-2- Recluse 0- Sleepy Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

JOKES

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “Your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it unless you treat him like a king. On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor tell you?” His wife responded, “He said it looks like you probably won’t make it.” Most humor is based on something real. Be afraid my married friends!

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Spring in for Savings!

$69.95 value

Happy Mother’s Day!

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

Answers on page 24

Springtime in CALIFORNIA

by Rex Keyes

It’s May and the best month of spring. This is your last chance to travel before school lets out in June. The first week in June is the beginning of the tital wave of tourists. Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, all the amusement parks, national parks and every other tourist attraction will be shoulder to shoulder with people and their kids. Airlines and tour boats will be booked full, trains and even the good ole Greyhound Bus will be packed. In May it is still relatively calm and peaceful to see whatever sight you are going to see, whatever beach you’re going to go to, or country to visit. So retirees, if you are going to travel, go now, or suffer the slings and arrows of overpopulation. There is a terrible disease going around this time of year. Starting in April a disease called spring fever begins. It is virtually incurable. In April, sports car sales start jumping. By May one has to act fast to buy a used sports car because as soon as a good one goes up for sale on Craigslist, it will be shortly gone. There is nothing like driving with the top down or the sunroof open on a beautiful spring day in a Porsche, an FRS, a SL500, a Corvette, a Mustang or even a little Aston Martin DB-9. Spring brings a desire for many other items besides sports cars. Just look at the trees, flowers and garden plants that go up for sale at Costco, Home Depot and Orchard Supply and how fast they sell. That is because everyone is starting to plant a garden. Also, every store like Target and Sears advertises, in the Sunday paper, women’s spring and summer dresses and

lines and lines of shoes to match. It is the season to show these off walking down the streets of Carmel or Monterey.

Starting in April a disease called spring fever begins. This is also the time of year when we start getting beach fever. If you are a surfer, don’t forget the surfboard when you take the family to the beach. You can easily forget the surfboard because you are going to be loaded down with family stuff; ok, there are the beach chairs, the umbrella, towels, an ice chest filled with food like sandwiches and bar-b-cue chicken and drinks like Shasta and RC Cola. Ops, my mistake! We are in California and the drinks would be Perrier Water or some fruit juice in a bottle. In the old days, the father would play with the kids on the beach, but nowadays kids are on their phones almost 24/7. So grab that surfboard, hit some waves while you have the chance and don’t stay out too long because you are expected to spend at least some time with family. These spring preparations allow everyone to slide right into summer. Of course, everyone is so happy that every day has been a sunny day to go to the beach, wear a summer dress, drive a sports car with the top down and do a little bar-b-queing. But I’m also sure just about everyone would also like at least 10 days of a day like Gene Kelly doing that dance and “Singing in the Rain.”


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May 2015

Dear Mr. NSA By Rosie Sorenson Dear Mr. NSA, I want to thank you for eavesdropping on me. No, really. I’ve long said that what we all need is a “Good Listening To!” And, there you are! Hour after tedious hour tuning into my conversations. For just a few billion dollars, I now know that someone cares enough to listen, really listen to me. And, I can assure you, that is not an easy commodity to come by, especially from men. But, then, you already know that, don’t you, Mr. Big-Ears, from hearing all those endless chats with my girlfriends. Ooh — I felt a frisson of love

ripple through me just then. Or maybe it was something I ate . . . Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. In gratitude for all your attention and effort, I’d like to “give something back,” as we Americans are so fond of saying. I want to save you time and aggravation by explaining a few things to you. First, when you overhear me saying to a friend, “I’ve got to take my cat to the vet,” I mean just that: “I have got to take my cat to the vet.” This is not some code phrase for “Please send another suitcase for dirty bomb. Samsonite unacceptable.” Cat. Vet. Got it?

Advice to High School Graduates: Because we’re not your parents we can tell you these things: • You can’t go wrong picking a college advertised on public transportation. • Schools that boast of their academic reputation are probably insecure about their inadequacies in other areas. • If you have a hard time deciding bet ween Stanford and Har vard Medical School, cry me a river! • Don’t even think about college. A ser ver at any restaurant in Carmel will make more money than a college grad!

And, if I should ever happen to utter late at night a disparaging comment such as “Death to Corporatists,” well, that’s just a figure of speech and not an expression of intent. Why, I don’t even know how to load my secondamendment-protected handgun. I do know how important it is to conserve the energies of the Secret Service, so please — it’s not necessary to send them to my home. The paperwork alone would distract them for weeks. And, another thing — if you should happen to hear my pal, Dr. Bobby and me talk about whips and chains, please take a moment, breathe deeply. You’ll soon discover that what we’re talking about is The Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco (known for its Anything-Goes Celebration of Sexuality), not Guantanamo. Last, but not least, if you ever overhear me teasing my friend, Carolyn, about her pot farm,

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what I really mean to say is . . .well, OK, I really do mean her pot farm, but since when has a terrorist ever succeeded while under the influence, eh? By now, My Dear NSA Friend, you must know that listening is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Let me repeat that — slowly and with feeling this time: “Listening is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” If I may be so bold as to suggest that if you’re ever in my neighborhood (and you DO know where I live, don’t you, Big Fella), please give me a holler, OK? I might even get Carolyn to bake you some brownies. Yours in gratitude, Rosie Rosie Sorenson is an awardwinning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow, www.theyhadmeatmeow.com


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May 2015

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Mira, WOW! FOOL CURB on the

By Daria James

Getting a piece of that pie! We are moving on up, to the East side! Unlike the Jefferson’s we did not have a choice. We tried to keep an optimistic view in this life changing experience, but we also decided to drive from California to our final destination on the East Coast. If you are thinking the road trip sounds like a great and exciting idea, you obviously have not made that trip. At least not in a four-door sedan with two other people. Movies make road trips seem glamorous, fun-filled adventures just waiting to happen (unless you are watching a scary movie, in which case, you now those guys are dying. I mean, nobody ever got directions from a guy with a mask and a machete, and why is he so freakishly tall??) In reality, it’s people stuck with each other for hours on end. Oh look, another cactus, because in the desert no one remembers your name, and your cellphone has no signal. Your brain starts messing with you: Why am I friends with these people? You enter a stage of denial: We have been driving all night, we are almost there! What? We are still in Texas?! How big is this place?! Followed by anger: you curse and shake your fist to the sky. It will be fun they said. Road trips are great they said. We all help driving and we will get there faster they said!! Then you suffer in silence, quietly regretting everything that led you to this. You will not admit it to the other passengers and they are probably re-evaluating their decision as well.

If you are lucky and time allows, you stop and say hi to an old friend who lives out of state, yes, that friend you used to make fun of for not living in California. Shoveling driveways? That’s just silly. Of course you friend is happy to see you, she is glad you are on your merry way to the same as her (misery loves company), and especially enjoying seeing you enter this unknown territory for you. You can’t wear sandals next November Muahahaha! You too, shall be shoveling snow and freezing you butt off while doing so. I don’t know why she said all of that in a old British accent, she’s from Illinois. The S is silent, did you know?

Movies make road trips seem glamorous, funfilled adventures just waiting to happen Alas, you have arrived, it’s 30 degrees but you are wearing a scarf. The whipping, howling unforgiving winds crash into the clouds and rain falls no matter where you turn. There is no escaping the true horror. A sudden silence and then you scream for help but no one can hear you. I thought 30 degrees F was just a freezing mirage. Oh, the exile from paradise, these California bones cannot… oh, look they’re having a sale on jackets, gloves and other winter attire. Well, first I was afraid, I was petrified, but you cannot beat these prices. Adapt and overcome my friends.

Our Fool on the Curb was taking a well-deserved break at Dennis the Menace Park. The things kids say! Here’s what we asked them: 1. What kind of little girl do you think your Mommy was? 2. What’s the difference between Moms and Dads?

Raven A1: I think she was a rebel. Her Dad and Brother were both doctors and she didn’t go that way. A2: Moms would be more likely to buy you stuff and Dads are more like ‘suck it up.’

David A1: She was like Abby (his little sister, playing nearby) A2: They just be different.

Cassius A1: A little girl, she looked like a baby. A2: A little baby! (He seemed pretty intent on looking for his fire truck)

Eisley: A1: Hi!! A2: She tried to sing us her rendition of Let it Go.


May 2015

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May 2015

By Lily Brun

Bloom Fest 2015 Here in California, we’ve been mired in a drought going on four years. Every ounce of rainfall is measured and counted and charted to look at trends to determine if, and when, we’re going to get any more. So, imagine the collective surprise last month when we actually got some rain — almost an inch. It doesn’t sound like much, and it’s certainly not going to refill all of our aquifers, but it did bring to life the proverb, “April showers bring May flowers.” It’s a bloom fest; which of course means a celebration must take place. Generally at a

festival there’s a group that comes together and there’s music and food and dancing. A garden has all of those things. You just have to see it from a different perspective … a foolish one works. The garden is a cacophony of sounds. Bees buzzing. There’s the whir of hummingbird wings as they flit around. Wasps —stay out of their way — strumming their wings. The murmur of moths and butterflies as they flit around.The conductor is mesmerizing. Sweet nectar and honey gold pollen sets the tempo and directs this ensemble of music makers. Cue the birds next. Chirping, squawking, cooing. They’re their

The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

The Camel - One Lump or Two The camel is a mammal With storage lumps known as humps They are solitary for the dromedary While thereof in lieu, the Bactrian has two If you take sugar in your tea Them this poem may be for thee But if neither one lump nor two This this ditty is not for you. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

own percussion band. Signal the squeaking squirrels and pretty soon the music crescendoes into a rendition of “Do the Pollination.” It’s the American Bandstand of the garden set. Food. Back to the nectar. Flowers are full of it, but it’s a short-lived moment so there’s a little pushing and shoving to get to it. On other fronts, there are leaves for snails, roots for gophers and moles and soil for worms and other creepy crawlers. It’s a regular food court. At Bloom Fest everything is doing the happy dance. Flowers are swaying to the gentle melodic breeze. Insects are bee-bopping

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and pirouetting around each other; getting down to the sound of nectar’s call. Birds are flitting, darting and cavorting under the giant, flaming disco ball in the sky. It’s amazing what just a little water can put in motion. It’s the giant bass drum of a garden, sounding out the cadence as a reminder to stay on task. It’s the babble and the burble lying low in the background. Hard to hear when it’s there but a booming silence when it’s not. Water is the main attraction. The headliner at this festival. The anticipation of its arrival is palpable. And when it comes, it rouses everything to a standing ovation in exuberance. If you’re feeling the impulse to raise your arm, garden trowel in hand and sway along to this ballad, do it. There isn’t going to be an encore for another year!


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Moms ... Are the Best By Richard Matranga

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Who! Who who? That’s what an owl says! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke? Knock, knock. Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who. Oh never mind it’s pointless. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No silly, a cow says Mooooo! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!

My mom passed from this world several years ago, but somehow remains with me in a dimension I don’t fully comprehend. With recent advances in the science of genetics, we are learning more about the origins and intricate nature of human behavior. It is easier to understand why, in a sense, she never left. Her DNA is indelibly imprinted in every cell of my physical being. No instructions necessary. Growing up, it seemed like she knew what was in my mind most of the time before I did. There was a powerful, intuitive form of communication we shared that is like no other. My Sis felt it too. Never mind the verbal guilt trips she laid on me for quitting the accordion at the age of seven. I took a heavy hand when it came to discipline and she was a consummate “controller.” Over the years, I learned that even she had her own demons along for the ride.

I headed to the blood bank where they handled the draw with the skill of Count Dracula. I had just turned 40 when I learned that I had reason to fear my remaining days were numbered; that I wasn’t invincible. I had volunteered to give some blood. It was late in the week and I didn’t give much thought to it. I headed to the blood bank where they handled the draw with the skill of Count

Dracula. After the obligatory 15 minute rest, a cookie and two ounces of juice, I was back on the road and carrying on with my usual activities. My parents were visiting for the weekend. That Friday evening the phone rang. As usual, I let the answering machine collect the message. The call was from a physician at the blood bank. In a couple of seconds he dropped a bomb that let me staggering. My blood donation had been rejected, without explanation. As I replayed the message, my heart was pounding and my mind was calling up every sordid detail of my life. I passed through the alphabet and reached the inevitable conclusion and a diagnosis within about four minutes. I was HIV positive. Who in the world could I share this with? I couldn’t sit down. I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t tell anybody. This was not the kind of

thing a local official could disclose without reading about it in the local rag. Adding to my anxiety, it was a Friday night. I wold have to wait ’til Monday to call the blood bank to confirm the “news.” I thought of Magic Johnson. That didn’t help. I thought of driving off a cliff. Close, but no cigar. Then, I thought of telling my mom … what the heck. I was going to die anyway. I didn’t pussyfoot around. I knew she had the constitution to handle such tidings. Her response? Without hesitation she said, “Whatever it is, honey, we will get through it.” As a lawyer, I made a lousy doctor. It turned out that my self diagnosis was wrong. The medical lab had picked up a minor glitch in my liver enzymes. I had dodged another bullet. More importantly, I learned the true meaning of unconditional love.


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By Debbie Harris

Just Ask Your Mother What Time It Is

The month of May includes Mother’s Day, the day we celebrate mothers, mainly ours, but mothers in general. Heaven forbid the job of mothering include pay and benefits, but we all know that mothers are too busy to unionize. Give a dinner out and some flowers once a year and you’ve got free labor for life. In family sitcoms from the 50s and 60s, the moms always had to check with the dads on punishments or guidance for the children. I guess that made the dads the CEO and the moms the administrative support. But times changed and more moms had to be all the members of the board, the CEO, the CFO, and, as my mother used to say, “the chief cook and bottle washer.” Poor single mothers missed out on playing parent ping-pong with the child. You know, the old “Ask your mother/ask your father” game, where each parent defers the decision to the other until the child has gotten frus-trated and tells each parent that the other one said yes, but to get the money from dad/mom. Sometimes the child can really score financially if that one works. Nothing tells a child, “I really don’t care” than the ask-the-other-parent game. Whether we like it or not, we do incorporate some things from our mothers. The one thing I’ve noticed most recently is the clock challenge. My mother has always set the clocks in her house ahead of the real time. But the amount ahead has never been consistent. I used to wonder how I could walk directly from her kitchen to her bedroom but find it to be 15

minutes later. Now that’s some precise time zone measuring! I discovered that it was because the clock in her bedroom was set at 15 minutes faster than the one in her kitchen. Of course that didn’t mean that the clock in her kitchen was accurate either. I’d need more than one hand to count the number of times someone at my mother’s house asked in frustration, “What time is it really?” Sometimes we would just call 411, and listen to the friendly, robotic-voiced woman tell us the correct time in 10 second increments.

Sometimes we would just call 411, and listen to the friendly, roboticvoiced woman tell us the correct time in 10 second increments. Well, guess what I recently noticed about my house? My living room clock is about 18 minutes fast, the bathroom clock is about 10 minutes fast, the kitchen clock is about 13 minutes fast, and the VCR (yes, I still have one of those) clock is a couple of minutes slow. I guess the rest of the clocks are ok (oven, microwave, family room, bedroom) are accurate. I presume they are but who knows? I keep telling myself I’m going to fix them, but I don’t. Why do I do that?

I can’t “call time” anymore because time lady was laid off and her job was outsourced to the computer and cell phone industry. How boring. I know that my clocks aren’t right, so I just ad-just for the difference in my mind and they don’t get me anywhere any earlier. Still, I keep them that way. I blame my mother. Maybe there’s nostalgia in unsynchronized clocks. Maybe if I want to know what time it really is, I should ask my father. I hope he would tell me and not just direct me back to my mother. I don’t have time for parental ping-pong, at least

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May 2015

not according to my living room clock. So, what time is it really? Time to wish our mothers and all mothers Happy Mother’s Day!

Today I invented a new game to play with my kids... It’s called “Duct, Duct, TAPE”

This Month We Celebrate Star Wars … May the 4th Be With You! Answers on pg 24

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A rabbi, a priest and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

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Mike Kerl

it really doesn’t matter what your boss says after that, because you’re basically dead to the world. Q: My computer keeps getting viruses. Do you have any tech support advice? A: The best way to avoid viruses is healthy living. Take your computer for a run every day, give it vitamins, and try to keep it from stressing out.

Q: My boss says I nap too much. Every single day, I’m exhausted and just need to sleep. How can I balance my work with my need to nap? A: Simple! Don’t sleep. Ever. Sure, the first two or three days are going to be tough, but after a while, the world just gets hazy and you hallucinate a bunch and

A drunk walks into a bar. “Ouch!” he says. A guy walks into the Crown & Anchor and yells, “All lawyers are jerks.” The man at the end of the bar says,” I object to that remark.” Guy says, “Why, are you a lawyer?” Man says, “No, I’m a jerk.”

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What I Learned from my Mother:

May 2015

My mother taught me about LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me about FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.” My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about HUMOR. "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me about WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.” My mother taught me about SHARING. "I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!" My mother taught me about FEAR. "One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."

The Lamp

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. “But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

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April 2015

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Birdbrain By Ted Gargiulo Since Day One, my wife Jann has been a poet in the kitchen, and a magician to boot. A veritable Denny’s, I-Hop and Dutch Pantry all rolled into one. The breakfasts/ brunches she made for me during our early days together were lifetransforming adventures. They took up the entire kitch-en, spilled over into the rest of the apartment, and lasted forever. Over the years, her culinary skills have advanced exponentially. So has my gut. Like any creative artiste, Jann holds herself to an impossibly high standard of excellence, particularly when she’s trying to please me. I, in turn, am equally zealous in

safeguarding my lady’s happiness. These noble intentions, as I’ve discovered, can have their downside. One evening, back in 1979-80 when I was still living in New York, I came home from work to find my wife-to-be bawling as though her world had just ended. I thought someone had died. Never had I seen her this distraught. Were her folks all right? Did someone’s house burn down? I prodded her for almost ten minutes before she could collect herself enough to re-spond. “What’s wrong? Talk to me!” Come to find out—are you ready for this?—that she had ruined

dinner. “Dinner??? Is THAT what you’re upset about?” More boohooing. Her angst was breaking my heart. “How bad could it possibly be?” She made it sound like the fried chicken was charred beyond recognition, utterly inedible, not fit for a cat’s litter box. I had to see this “catastrophe” for myself, if for no other reason than to set her mind at rest. Trust me, dinner wasn’t anywhere as awful as Jann described it.

More boo-hooing. Her angst was breaking my heart. Okay, the chicken was a little black around the edges, but it was salvageable. The real issue was that she blamed herself for letting the food cook too long. Said she was on the phone chatting with a mutual friend and lost track of the time. Was that so unforgiveable? In her mind failure was not an option. She assumed I’d be disappointed with her, and that was something she couldn’t bear. Guess she didn’t know me very well. “Nonsense,” I said, determined to console the lass, no matter what it entailed. “That could have happened to anybody. Here, let me try a drumstick.” <CHOMP> “Hey, there’s nothing wrong this! Just to prove it to you, I’ll have another piece.” <CHOMP> “Mmmm! Not bad! And maybe another.”

<CHOMP> Dang, but that chicken was good, even the burnt part! Jann’s little disas-ter, it turned out, tasted better than most of my mom’s successes. (Sorry, Mom!) The more I munched, the more Jann’s countenance brightened. “See now? You didn’t spoil anything!” Crisis resolved, tragedy averted. All was well with the world. Leave it to tactful, bighearted Ted to save the day with such grace and panache. How terribly grownup of me! There was only one thing wrong with this picture. Seems that in my single-minded campaign to protect Jann’s feel-ings, I devoured all the chicken without once offering her a piece. The thought never entered my head. Meanwhile, Jann was so afraid of hurting my feelings that she waited years before telling this birdbrain what he’d done. Jann, of course, remembers things differently. What really happened that night? Only the chicken knows…and it ain’t talkin.’ Check out Ted’s new book, The Air, The Frogs and Other Things, at http:www.amazon.com/dp/ BooTP8W9ZC.

Motherhood is saying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Oddly enough, that is the definition for insanity. Coincidence? I think not!


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April 2015

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“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy. “Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?” The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”

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Meteor Crater As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.” From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

Hilarious Blonde Joke A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

May 2015

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... “HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Hot Seat A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, “I think you are the best teacher I’ve ever had.” The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blond sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, “I think …” The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”

Blonde Math Three blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied “I’ll have a bl.” He thought a moment and then asked her, ”What’s a bl?” She replied, “Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite.” He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied “Make mine a ml.” He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or

something, and said, “OK, what’s a ml?” She replied, “Well, duh, it’s a Miller Lite.” He then turned to the third one and asked what she wanted. She replied “I’ll have a 15.” He said, “Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?” She said, “Well, duh, it’s a 7-7.”

The House that Blonds Built A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.” The clerk said, “You mean twoby-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “Alright. How long do you need them?” The blond paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.

What a Fish Story Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any.” replied the

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If I have 10 chocolate cakes and somone asks me for one, how many chocolate cakes do I have left? That’s right, 10.


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May 2015

Every Friday & Saturday in May

Planet Gemini

www.foolishtimes.net

May 5

Cinco de Mayo

Monterey’s oldest comedy nightspot featuring local and nationally known comedians. www.planetgemini.com

We all know the story of Mexico kicking French butt that inspires us to order up an extra round of Corona. www.history.com

May 2

May 9

Wag & Walk

A scenic walk for humans and their four-legged best friends. www.spcamc.org

May 2-3

ROTA Fair

The longest running psychic fair in CA! Come get a reading, hear a lecture, buy a book, see your aura… Change your life. www.rotapsychicfair.com

May 9

Fort Ord Warhorse Day

Performance by Horse Detachment of 11th Blackhorse Cavalry. Vintage military vehicles, petting zoo, bike ride and chow line. www.fortordwarhorse.org

Not just any day, it’s Mother’s Day Shouldn’t this be every day?

May 10-23

Nunsense

Wonderland!

May 4

Star Wars Day

The six movies debuted in May. This month also includes George Lucas’ birthday. www.starwars.com

Rock & Rod Festival

National Waiter and Waitress Day

If you’re old enough to know what a Sock Hop is or love hot rods, this event is for you. Rock legend Chris Montez performs. www.montereyrockrod.com

Expose your Catholic guilt! Funny show about nuns doing things we don’t normally see. A favorite for all ages! www.paperwing.com

May 14

Chicken Dance Day

How did this dance become a tradition at every wedding you attend? It’s the original “happy dance!” Breakout in dance today.

A pizza parlor, cocktail lounge, sports pub, 4-star eatery or a cheerful Mexican restaurant. They bring it! Check please!

May 22

Dave Holodiloff

Fun day in the sun. Great BBQ at hike conclusion. All proceeds stay here for CASA, Kinship and Hospice. www.hikeforcharity.com

Mother’s Day

Children’s production of the toetapping musical by Lewis Carroll. It’s all about Alice and lessons learned. www.arieltheatrical.org

May 21

Hike for Charity

May 10

May 2-16

May 15-16

May 19

Playing with a full band, D.H. takes his mandolin to Moss Landing for a night of jams to jazz that will surprise and delight. www.hauteenchilada.com

National Geographic Presents:

Miraya Mayor, former Miami Dolphin Cheerleader turned globe-trekking anthropologist. The female Indiana Jones. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

May 20

The Next Chapter Lecture Series

Joanne Perron, MD talks about Environmental Chemicals and your Health. www.monterey.org/library

May 21

Meet the Author Series Local awarding Julia Reynolds discusses how she planned, researched and penned Blood in the Fields: 10 years Inside CA’s Nuestra Family Gang www.pglibraryfriends.org

May 22-24

California Roots

This premier event starts the summer with three days of a special blend of sunshine, music, art and peaceful vibrations. SOJA, The Roots and Slightly Stoopid headline. californiarootsfestival.com

May 23-25

May Fest

The Custom House Plaza comes alive with international food and music. www.mayfestmonterey.com

May 30-31

Artichoke Festival

Everything artichokes. Chef demos, parade, classic car show live music and more www.artichokefestival.org


May 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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