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The event helps fund children’s school programs at Monterey State Historic Park.
December 11th & 12th 5–9PM
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..........................Nicholas S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, C.J. Paghasian, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks Fast food is now integrating their menu to include breakfast all day. It used to be a conversation with a counter person that “the computer” wouldn’t allow you to have pancakes at 11:01am. Do I really want the option of breakfast in the afternoon? Do I need to fill the desire to eat eggs and sausage at any time of the day? My doctor thinks that I should walk away from this topic and just let it be what it is. BTW: my doctor is a psychiatrist. So here is the message to Ronald, The King and Jack: With an election year looming, we are confused enough with the decisions we have to make about the future of our country. We don’t need your cartoon characters adding to that by offering menu items than are traditionally and socially acceptable only during the morning. This can cause the election to be more convoluted and put voters on overload with new information and decisions they are not in the habit of making. So gentlemen, please stop. Let’s resume order. Give us fewer options and less to think about. I want breakfast only available up to 11am again. Let the computer tell me when and what time certain menu items are available. Please don’t allow government to legislate this because if we all raise our voices as concerned citizens of this great country, it could be the next big political issue. Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Editor’s Note I’m not going to talk about my feelings relevant to Thanksgiving. There’s plenty of commentary in this month’s issue on the subject and I know that something in this paper will strike a chord and resonate for you about this holiday. Enough said. However, here’s a tradtion I’m going to be part of. One of my favorite outdoor gear stores is doing something really cool. They’ll be closed on Black Friday and are encouraging everyone to go outside. Most of the employees will get the day off ... they too can get outside! What a bold step in marketing for the company, as well as just a neat idea. No fighting over hiking boots, kayaks, snowboards, camping gear or bicycles. Instead, we get to use what we have in-hand in the great outdoors. No worries about the latest and greatest deal; just enjoyment with the tried-and-true. So, this Black Friday go climb a mountain or go for a bike ride or huddle under a tent. I know my turkey will fit in my backpack! Happy Thanksgiving!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
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November 2015
www.foolishtimes.net Grandpa was driving with his nine-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, Grandpa.” He replied, “How did you know?” She said, “Because you didn’t say “idiot” afterwards. ***
An old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, “Excuse me, would you address this postcard for me?” The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?” The old man thought a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you add, “Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.” *** A minister told an 80-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.” “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.” “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” *** “Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!” “Calm down, sir. When did this happen.” The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
*** Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!” *** Have you heard that a company has come out with a new cell phone made just for senior citizens? It not only has bigger numbers, rotary dial and the best feature: it has less memory.
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time. She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more. There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.” “Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered. “They don’t fit in the glass!” *** An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery it was?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar
on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.” *** There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday. One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion. The second son decided that she didn’t want to drive by herself so he got her a limo. The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot. The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn’t want the house. She gave the second son a letter that said she didn’t want the limo. She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good. *** There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy old gentleman. After he proposed, she suggested, “We might even have some children!” The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.” “What do you mean?” asked the young woman. “Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”
*** A girl walks into a supermarket and asks the clerk, “Can I have a turkey for my grandma?” The clerk responds, “Sorry. We don’t do exchanges.”
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” - George Carlin
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aquito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SANDWICHES
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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To Grandmother’s House We Go
On The Freeway
—
By Debbie Harris November begins the holiday season—starting with the Thanksgiving holiday. For many, that means travel. One of the most popular ways to travel is by car, which can allow the traveler some interesting sites and experiences. When I travel by car, most often it is to Southern California to see my kids and grandkids, which means I get to maneuver the L.A. freeways, my favorite!!! That’s when I wish my head could spin all the way around, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Then I’d definitely get a better view of all lanes for switching. There is a different driving feel
There is a different driving feel to the freeways in SoCal; I think it’s called survive or die.
to the freeways in SoCal; I think it’s called survive or die. Frequent lane changes are standard actions and no one seems to get their knickers in a twist over them, understanding that lanes need
to be changed to follow looping freeways or to take obscure turnoffs. However, when you’re on L.A. freeways, you need to pay attention and move. Going 80 mph doesn’t mean you won’t be passed as if you’re standing still. Slowness is not tolerated and inattention usually means you get to see the Geico Gecko. One of the biggest challenges on those freeways is dealing with big rigs. I appreciate that these trucks bring products that we all need to the places where we shop, but maneuvering around those suckers on the freeway can be harder than rescuing a Nintendo Princess, especially if you get behind one in just the right way so that it obscures your vision of the sign announcing your turn off and so you miss it. In addition to the big rigs, there are the traffic slow-downs. Sitting in traffic can test a person’s patience more than trying to leash-train a cat, but being stuck in traffic allows me to look around at the other vehicles. On my last trip, I noticed a car with a license plate saying “SLT Mom.” I immediately began trying to figure out what the “SLT”
meant. Salt? Saint Louis Teacher? San Lorenzo Toddler? So Lazy & Tired? I still don’t know. I also saw an old wood-bed business truck that said, “Fencing & Toilets.” That peaked my curiosity. I presumed that the fencing wasn’t the kind with swords (although what better way to start a fencing session than to use the toilet?), but I still wondered how that business owner put the two together. Did he provide fencing around outdoor toilets so people could have more privacy? Did he supply toilets for the people building the fence? Did he build toilets out of fencing materials? Fencing out of old toilet parts?
When I’m sitting in traffic, other questions come to mind— like “Can a person get carpel tunnel from gripping a steering wheel too tightly (like I do when I’m driving on L.A. freeways)?” “Did the SoCAL developers get tired of finding names for new cities, so that’s why they put Montclair and Claremont right next to each other?” Slow traffic allowed me to look in the mirror at the sore spot on my neck to discover that it was a line-shaped hickey from the shoulder belt rubbing my neck every time I leaned forward to check my side mirrors for lane changes. Whether you travel by car and risk getting seat belt hickeys or carpel tunnel, or you spend Thanksgiving another way, may you enjoy the holiday. And take good care of your fences and toilets!
Rules Issued to Female Teachers
by the L.A. School District in 1915 HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED! 1. You may not smoke cigarettes
2. You may not dress in bright colors 3. You may under no circumstances dye your hair 4. You will not marry during the term of your contract 5. You are not to keep company with men 6. You must be home between 8pm and 6am unless attending a school function
7. Your dresses must not be any shorter
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than two inches above the ankle
8. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board
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November 2015
Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Where’s the gratitude?! Thank your lucky stars that last month’s mercury in retrograde didn’t leave you dangling in your latest escapade, and tangling with old memories. It would be precarious not to move on! Pay attention to your higher nature and your lower one will simply wither from lack of attention. Harvest new stock. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull There is a fine line between being egotestical and being confident. Take Trump’s hair for example, on one side it’s the great divide awaiting great strides, and the other a perch for a tiny rare humble bird called a combover. Roam in-between these two points of character and you will find the zone. Then just boast the roast, blood test the Turkey breast, and be the host with the most. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You have been swinging like a pendulum without the weight of gravy-ity. You are being drawn to adapt on one end and push back the other. Resisting makes it all come out like gobble gook. You are not the voices you keep. That company of doubt and fear is just a pile of drumsticks. Take those wish bones and beat a new rhythm. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Much Obliged Crabbie! Thank you, for letting me be myself… again! You have a way with your complex layers of emotional
construct which allows others to be, if not more wacko than you, then just as equally tormented. The basic nobility of your soul is seeking expression in your actions. You are not a Turkey but maybe a quirky upper-cruststation. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion If the sun refuses to shine, and the mountains crumble to the sea, we would see you and the Bees trying to put it all back together again, pollenating and congregating. A big THANKS to you Pussy Cat. While the pride wallows in their hide of inertia, YOU do visa versa!You could never fall flat, and you don’t even mind the leftovers. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin When you are overwhelmed by detail you can’t speak up because it feels like you have feathers in your throat. You’re like a virgin, plucked for the very first time when it comes to the Big Picture. In order to discern the best route, the right choice, be it a wing, a thigh or a wish bone try, the bird’s eye view grants you lot’s of space to spew, and not stew. Thank your sweet potato pie for the big blue sky. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Thank yourself for being human. Your emotionally self-centered self which you cultivate eagerly like maize, took the moisture out of the succulents that were growing happily in your growth garden. Bring a cornucopia, you’ll need it to make up for this faux pas. You may need probable gauze.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions Danke Schoen for the venom Scorpie; your noblest hidden agenda. You are the paralyzing whisperer. Traits of a Scorpiopath could surface and send friends wheeling themselves to the emergency room, so you may want to yield just a bit to the deeply loyal ones. The others…well, carte blanche, it’s your Birthday, and You know you are most active at night. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Your nose from this high angle is an airport of storm and germ. Aloofness is a reaction to one’s own stink. You can thank Ms. Clean-X that you can still smell your road to success which is right under your nose, YES, YOUR FEELINGS, those darn little buggers always knocking on your heart’s door. Listen, you need this cutting edge of human dimension otherwise you’ll resemble mashed potatoes. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat You are such a HAM! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Take a bow and then hoof and huff away. Over the river and through the wood you go and straight through the theatre gate you blow. Those Yam Yam secrets of the past may be gaining on you, but you have a first rate play and you may have to confront the hidden grudges of the community that surrounds you. Don’t get tired of eating, IT… not yet.
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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Don’t THANK that flock of Turkeys for covering your rear in that close to death experience you had with life! That misgiving was a blessing. A stumble through bob-wire can bear good squash, so I hear. Beneath your detached seemingly unemotional exterior beats a stubbornly loyal heart. Be ready to exercise that muscle. Don’t worry, it’s not like the unforgiving cost of living. It has pliability, say, like corn. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes If you dreamed you were in a Jolly Wood Movie, you probably were and will be soon again. Precautionary measures will be necessary when dealing with jealous, heartless ones. The kind you’d like to sick your Angel face Barracuda Cousin on…but it’s all about nipping it in the mud. Pick up the scent and augment! Time to take off the veil and show your true grit. No time for humble pie now. You have worked long enough unselfishly for others. Suffering Succotash, blow your horn of plenty!
Happy Turkey Day, America! Don’t forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
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American Idols on Am erican Idol By Roger Freed
What would have happened if Simon Cowell, the inspiration and chief executioner for the wildly popular American Idol show had been around to judge some of the big stars of American music before they became legends. Just how many of them would have survived the gauntlet of his withering criticism? I think many would have curled up under his sarcasm like slugs deluged by salt and withered away. Let’s take a look at what would have happened had Simon Cowell initiated some of the famous voices of today into the world of commercial rock and pop music.
Bob Dylan - “How can you call yourself a singer with that nasal whine? Humans are designed to sing through their mouth, not their nostrils, although I can see your predicament, it is the most predominate part of your face. Your song says, ‘Everybody must get stoned.’ It certainly looks like you did to come up with some of these lyrics. And, something to think about, shaving between auditions might keep people from thinking you slept on a park bench last night.” Mick Jagger - “Wait a minute! You’re supposed to be singing, not prancing around! Somehow I don’t
www.foolishtimes.net think that your singing about your lack of ‘satisfaction’ is going to get you anywhere. When you sang, ‘Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and fame’ who did you say you are? That’s what I thought you said and I believe you. Could you please try to keep your big lips away from the microphone when you sing? I don’t want the next person using it to come down with some sort of disease.”
Just how many of them would have survived the gauntlet of withering criticism? Paul McCartney - “What the heck? ‘Coo-coo-ca-choo I am the Eggman Coo-coo-ca-choo’? Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band’? Are you singing pop music or nursery rhymes? This is reality mate, not Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. Don’t expect to ever get knighted by the Queen for this kind of stuff! The only way you’re going to make it is to team up with someone who knows something about music. And you’ll never get anywhere with that haircut.” Johnny Cash - “You just sang ‘I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.’ I get the feeling they might have let you out of prison a little too early. Are you a friend of
the guy we had security throw out earlier? You might want to think twice before giving up that job as a tenant farmer. If you show up here again I’ll have a song for you, A Boy Named In A Suit To Sue. One more thing, if you’re planning on being before the spotlights you going to have to wear something other than just black all the time!” Elvis - “Well, you have a strong voice, but I really have to wonder about a contestant who is romancing a ‘howndowg’, as you put it. I think those peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwiches you eat before coming on stage gum up your singing voice some. It would help if you would concentrate more on the lips and less on the hips. ‘Back field in motion’ is a move forbidden not just in football but on many TV shows too. Bruce Springsteen - “Do you gargle with gravel each morning to get that voice? It was nice that you brought your whole band with you but it doesn’t change your singing any. I know it’s ‘Hard To Be A Saint In The City,’ but you sure aren’t going to be in any chorus of angels either. Did the thought of dressing up for an audition ever occur to you? Those jeans look like you wear them to every song-a-long you do. It’s really a good thing that you are ‘Born To Run’ because the entire New Jersey Tourist Bureau is here to kneecap you for ruining their business.”
“The Pilgrims had amazing foresight to invent Thanksgiving and football on the same day.” - Greg Tamblyn
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November 2015
Change of season... We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road
$69.95 value
Thank You for 21 Years of Servicing your Vehicle
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
The Opossum I find myself at a lossum To explain the strange opossum It usually can be found Waddling along the ground Searching for a yummy treat A roach, a snail or grub to eat Not cute or cuddly but snarly and fat It reminds me of a surly white rat. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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Bodies in Motion By Ted Gargiulo Video fanatic, Lawrence (“Loopy”) La Porte, discovered that if he set his DVD to fast-forward scan, he could see his favorite movie 25 times in one day. He made it to the Guinness Book of World Records for viewing Batman Returns a whopping 9,145 times in a single year. La Porte claimed he didn’t really miss the dialogue at the high speed scan because he already knew it by heart. However, he did slow the movie down once every 5th showing in order to watch Christopher Walken push Michelle Pfeiffer through a window. “That scene rocks!” he declared. Critics have praised this act of aggression as a masterpiece of modesty and good taste: insofar as Ms. Pfeiffer plummets all those stories into the street— while managing to keep her skirt
“Every Thanksgiving I’m thankful I decided to wait until New Years to start my diet.” - Melanie White
perfectly in place. No gratuitous sensuality here, no sir! This is definitely a movie you can take your children to see.
All the cats in the neighborhood rush to her aid, lick her wounds and nurse her back to life. Notice too, Batman enthusiasts, that the character doesn’t die here. Rather, all the cats in the neighborhood rush to her aid, lick her wounds and nurse her back to life. How strangely reminiscent of the dogs lapping the blood of the slain king, Ahab, in the Old Testament—except, of course, that the evil king never returned to life. But because Pfeiffer’s character is essentially a kind, likable creature at heart (not to mention gorgeous), the writers and producers gave her a second chance. Behold, therefore, she is suddenly transformed from a mousey, victimized broad, to the dynamic and fearless Cat Woman, who sets out to wreak vengeance on Christopher Walken and all the other predatory males who have oppressed her. Meow! Once again, parents can feel safe in exposing their kids to this clean, upbeat movie where, in spite of all the violence perpetrated on the people and the city of Gotham, nobody really suffers. Even after whacking the pavement at full velocity, Ms. Pfeiffer experiences no impairment. Instead, she undergoes a miraculous regeneration for which no explanation (however delightfully
fantastical it might sound) is ever attempted. What’s more, the producers pull this stunt off seamlessly. No patronizing admonitions to children (or challenged adults) NOT to attempt this stunt at home. No disclaimer during the closing credits stating: “Women who fall from windows do not really turn into pussycats.” Besides, you and I both know the studio paid good money for Michelle Pfeiffer, so they’re obviously not going to kill her off this early in the movie. La Porte denies there’s a “message” to be gleaned from all this mayhem, or with his peculiar fascination with it. Says he simply enjoys seeing bodies in motion. “Especially if them bodies are wearin’ skirts.” His next project will be to comb the video stores for movies featuring similarly clad victims crashing through windows several stories high, or tossed from
rooftops. (“Exceptin’ for dogs,” he said, “with or without clothes.”) Then he plans to paste all those scenes together into a continuous loop, which he would watch at fast-forward scan 10 hours a day for a year in hopes of winning a new world’s record. “Hey look, I’m as humane and well-balanced as the next guy,” La Porte insisted in an interview. “Watchin’ people hurlin’ though space is an incredible stress reliever—as long as them people ain’t me.”
They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
Answers on page 24
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Rivers Know There is No Hurry They key to a happy marriage is to have plenty of keys. If you ask me. Unlock the many levels of what love can be. Do not let others tell you who to be, just be yourself and enjoy each other’s company. Motivate one another and support your words with actions. Do not make emotional decisions. If you’ve got a problem, just go ahead and solve it. Do not let it fester inside you, because what you keep in you will put out. Outbursts of anger have never helped anybody out. Marriage is about settling little arguments before they become big
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arguments. Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win a war; you’ll see it’s all part of a strategy.
Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win a war; you’ll see it’s all part of a strategy.
the camera zooms in and catches my smirk). Me: I would, but I do not have a bike lock in order to enduringly fasten my bike to a stationary object while I shop inside said store. You will see, I was about to spend $40 on a bike lock not too long ago and somebody accused me of being crazy, calling it an unnecessary purchase even! Therefore, I did not buy a lock. Husband: Why don’t you buy a $15 lock?
Me: Because, those locks are easy to break, then when the thief breaks the cheap lock and takes my valuable bike, which you know I am very fond of! you are going to spend $500 to replace it, and $40 on new lock! Now, ask yourself, are you feeling lucky?! Husband: … Just text me what you need. I take my hat off and bow to the audience. Exit Stage left. Return for the applause.
Based on True Events: Husband: How come I have to go to the store?! Me: You have the car today. Husband: Why can’t you take your bike? (After he asked me that question, the soundtrack of my life started playing Kill Bill’s Ironside Siren,
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” - Andy Borowitz
MAKE ME
Cranberry Blue Cheese Pinwheels Buttery bites that combine sweet and tart with a tangy bold flavor
Do not attempt these Pick-up lines: OH MY GOODNESS!! You are not going to
believe it; I saw the cutest thing in a store window. I was going to buy it for you but then I realized that it was my reflection. I lost my phone number...can I have yours? If I could re-arrange the letters of the alphabet I would put U and I together. Don’t worry; N and O are already together. Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Tony is the funny one in the family.
½ cup dried cranberries 5 oz. crumbled blue cheese ½ orange, juice & 1 tsp zest 5 tsp honey 1 tsp chopped rosemary ½ tsp red pepper flakes 13.8 oz. can pizza dough 1 tsp melted butter Combine all ingredients except pizza dough and butter, mix well Unroll pizza dough and spread mixture evenly on top Roll the dough up from the longest side Cut the roll into 12 slices Arrange on baking sheet and brush with melted butter Bake for 15 min. or until golden brown at 400 degrees
YUM
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By Lily Brun
Cue the Cacti I took one last trip before winter sets in and El Niño bomblasts us with all its fury, or so we’re told. Let’s hope that rain actually drops on drought-stricken California, which is beginning to look a little like where I was last month … deep in the heart of the Mojave Desert. What a trippy place the desert is. It’s hot. It’s dry. You see things that aren’t real - mirages in the desert environment. Anywhere else they’d just be delusions, but the desert cuts you some slack. It’s flat. And it’s hot … really hot … so hot it’s hard to imagine finding anything green that’s growing. Cue the cacti. What’s not to love about cacti? Or cactusses. Or even just cactus. These spiny-covered, watersaving, fruit-bearing plants have made a home for themselves in places that don’t offer much in the way of thriving living conditions. Their comfort zone is off the charts. Plus they have some cool
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names - Foxtail, Teddybear cholla, Silver cholla, Pencil cholla, Cottontop, Hedgehog, Mojave mound, California barrel, Beavertail pricklypear, Grizzlybear pricklypear, Joshua Tree, Sajuaro, Beehive, Yucca, Old Man - ok, enough, but I could go on! Whoever gave them these common names made some observant choices.
Whiskey is for drinking, water is for fighting. As a gardener, especially here in California, I like cactus. We could learn a lot from this Cactaceae family of droughttolerant spiny plants. They have figured out how to conserve water, sometimes for years, and still thrive and get along without fighting about it. There’s an adage here in the West, “Whiskey is for drinking, water is for fighting.” Brings to mind a different time here in the West, when ranching and farming were more predominant than cities and suburbs, but water, or
“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.” - Rita Rudner
the lack of, is still a huge issue. So, I say, cue the cacti. Instead of dams and reservoirs and canals, let’s just plant cacti. They have mastered the art of water storage. We have wind farms (wind turbines) in the Tehachapi Mountains and enormous solar farms (one in Joshua Tree National Park, named for a cactus) to produce energy, why not cactus farms for water production. They don’t take a lot of water to grow so we’re not tapping in to aquifers or siphoning off water from lakes or rivers. There are, of course, some hurdles to overcome. We’d have
to choose the right cactus to farm. Some cactus water is toxic, so planting the right species is important. The spines could be a problem, but not insurmountable with some gloves and a pair of pliers. The fruit on many is edible, so that’s a plus; a double-whammy of effectiveness. This could work. If all 38 million residents of California each planted a cactus just imagine what might happen. In one singlestep we could put in to motion a drought-busting plan. Let’s launch a campaign. Write your legislator. Cue the cacti!
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November 2015 container of “Sexiest Fantasies” body spray that, according to the packaging, “provides a burst of sensuality ... as addictive and seductive as the woman who wears it,” “sure to drive any man wild.”
Bright Ideas By Chuck Shepherd
The Unhoneymoon • A Saratoga Springs, New York, resort has begun accepting totally defeated husbands and wives for a relaxed weekend that includes divorce, bringing to America a concept already successful in six European cities. The Gideon Putnam Resort & Spa charges $5,000 for a couple to check in on a Friday, married, but leave Sunday officially single (complete with all legal niceties and various resort amenities, including, of course, separate rooms). Even though the couple must be fairly level-headed to accept this approach, the facility manager expressed concern that since the resort also books weddings, the “uncouplers” might inadvertently witness difficult scenes. (Gideon Putnam has hosted four divorces so far, but, said the European founder of the package service, “hundreds” of couples have used the services in Europe.)
Weird Science • Another Animal With a Worse Sex Life Than Yours: No organism has it tougher than the male South-East Asian coin spider, according to research reported by New Scientist in January. It is somehow driven to mate with a female up to four times larger who is almost as driven to eat the male as to mate. After insemination, the male impulsively fights off other males’ attempts to disrupt the conception, and that means becoming a more nimble
fighter, achieved, according to Matjaz Kuntner of the Slovenian Academy of the Arts and Sciences, by biting off its own genitals, since that organ comprises about onetenth the spider’s body weight.
Because We Can: • Scientists at the University of California, Irvine (with Australian partners) announced in January that they had figured out how to unboil a hen’s egg. (After boiling, the egg’s proteins become “tangled,” but the scientists’ device can untangle them, allowing the egg white to return to its previous state.) Actually, the researchers’ paper promises dramatically reduced costs in several applications, from cancer treatments to food production, where similar, clean untanglings might take “thousands” of times longer.
Police Report • The Knoxville (Tennessee) Police Department reminded motorists (via its Facebook page) that all vehicles need working headlights for night driving. Included was a recent department photo of the car of a Sweetwater, Tennessee, motorist who was ticketed twice the same evening with no headlights but only flashlights tied to his bumper with bungee cords. • A forlorn-appearing Anneliese Young, 82, was arrested at a CVS pharmacy in Augusta, Georgia, in February after store security allegedly caught her shoplifting a
• The Jeju Island Korean restaurant in Zhengzhou, China, staged a promotion last month to pick up lunch tabs for the 50 “most handsome” people to dine there every day. Judging was by a panel of cosmetic surgeons (who were partnering with the restaurant) and, as contestantdiners posed for photographs, they were evaluated on “quality of” eyes, noses, mouths and especially foreheads (better if “protruding”). • The owner of the Kingsland Vegetarian Restaurant in a suburb of Canberra, Australia, apologized in February for the cockroach infestation that contributed to a $16,000 fine, explaining that, for moral reasons, he could not bring himself to exterminate living things—even cockroaches. (Less well-defended were Kingsland’s toilet, grease and food-storage shortcomings.)
Perspective Among the participants at this year’s Davos, Switzerland, gathering of billionaires and important people was property developer Jeff Greene, 60, who owns mansions in New York, Malibu and Palm Springs, and whose Beverly Hills estate is on the market for around $195 million. Greene famously won big betting against overvalued sub-prime mortgages before the 2008 Great Recession, but, shortly after landing at Davos, he gave Bloomberg Business his take on the symptoms of current economic turmoil (that he had capitalized on for part
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of his wealth by exploiting people’s desire for expensive houses they ultimately could not afford). “America’s lifestyle expectations are far too high,” Greene explained, “and need to be adjusted so we have less things and a smaller, better existence.”
People With Issues Sorry, Ladies, He’s Taken: In yet another chilling episode of body modification, the otherwise handsome Henry Damon, 37, married father of two, appeared in January at the Caracas (Venezuela) International Tattoo Expo as Red Skull (archenemy of Captain America), who has somehow fascinated Damon for years. The exhibiting of his idolatry began with subdermal forehead implants (ultimately replacing his eyebrows with prominent ridges), followed by going all-in for Red Skull by allowing a medical school dropout to lop off what looks like half of his nose. (How his deep red color was achieved was not mentioned in news reports.) For the record, the “surgeon” called D
New World Order Swedish public broadcaster SVT, capitalizing on the country’s supposedly liberal sexuality to promote an upcoming children’s series on the human body, produced a one-minute cartoon featuring genitals singing and dancing. However, the SVT program director admitted in January that there was criticism— not for salaciousness, but because the penis was portrayed with a moustache and the vagina with long eyelashes, which some critics said unfortunately “reinforced gender stereotypes.” Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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Thanksgiving and the Big Rains by Rex Keyes Well, I hope everyone enjoyed a Halloween party. It was a time one can go out and be someone else and act the part. At a costume party, one can be Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart, a monster, or don the scariest costume ever, which is that of a politician. Now that Halloween is gone, everyone is now looking forward to visiting relatives at Thanksgiving.
Don’t fight with the mother in law because it is a hopeless battle. As we all know, family members always get along together and never have any differences. Just remember smile, hug everyone, and say, “Happy Thanksgiving” and you’ll be loved. After that, ask for a beer or a martini, sit down, watch a football game ‘til dinner and be happy. Don’t fight with the mother-in-law because it is a hopeless battle. The Thanksgiving turkey is usually great, especially with all the surrounding fix-ins like cranberry sauce, sweet potato soufflé, mashed potatoes with butter and gravy (don’t worry about a heart attack) and all that green stuff put out for your health like string beans (ugh). Ok, don’t fill up because there is dessert coming like pumpkin pie with “Land of Lakes” whipped heavy cream or cheesecake with strawberries on it. Excuse me! I am getting carried away! I could go on and on about dessert. There is another item that
Europeans have that I must mention, and that is a digestif; a small alcoholic beverage to aid in digestion after a meal, like from Ireland, a small glass of Irish Cream to sip. I am not going to even mention the digestifs from France, Greece or Germany as there are many and some are very good. Bring one of these bottles to your Thanksgiving dinner and introduce it to your families. Tell them a French cook you met at a fancy bistro recommended it. Heck! No one can argue with the recommendations of a French cook. I hope everyone is ready for the big storms that the press says are coming because of El Niño. Have you cleaned out the gutters on your house? If your car tires are almost bald, are you going to buy new ones, instead of slipping and sliding all over the road? Have you got your skis ready in case it snows? Do you have a kayak or canoe handy? Are you going to ask your retired relatives living in Hawaii if you can go live with them a couple of weeks while waiting for your house to dry out or the storms to pass? Are you going to use the storms as an excuse to get out of a couple of weeks at work? Will you use El Niño to convince your wife that now is the time to buy that boat you’ve been wanting and keep it in the driveway in case it floods? You can also use it as an excuse to buy a jet ski. Maybe there won’t be any huge storms but it never hurts to be prepared, like with a new boat. Veteran’s Day is coming up and I’d like to thank all the veterans for the service they have given to their country.
s,
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Room for Rent
By Richard Matranga
It seems like a recurring theme has surfaced in my writing. I always seem to be moving or having just completed a move or anticipating a move. Now that I have risen to the level of an esteemed “senior,” I find myself in “anticipation” mode … again. Just a few days ago, I decided it was time to “stretch it out” a little, get my shaky carcass off the easy chair in the writer’s flat I have been sharing and continue to explore the world, even it if was from my electric scooter. I have to admit, I was inspired by my roomie’s phone call to the landlordess, giving her the courtesy of a 30-day notice. On the other hand … I like surprises. Additional incentive was the $1,650 monthly price tag for a place in “Carmel-by-the-Sea.” I am ashamed to say, I have an addiction that must be satisfied or I would have enough money for the rent. I have an uncontrollable urge to ingest … food. Even with the “benefits” of medicare and the other perks provided by the “social security” administration (you know the “fund” you have been paying into
Cooking tip: wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.
since your were 14), the search for living space can get ugly. They just don’t maintain park benches like they used to. So, I called my local, and not so local, “senior” subsidized housing providers. The monthly rental amounts looked good … too good.
I have an addiction that must be satisfied or I would have enough money for the rent. I have an uncontrollable urge to ingest … food. Turns out, I make too much to qualify for most of them. But you know what they say, “the squeaky gate gets the oil.” So, with the help of the younger generation in my family, I affixed my “X” to an application and fired it off so I could get my senior ass in the 17year waiting line. Not one to turn down a challenge, I did the math and figured I could beat the hell out of the bureaucracy and the life expectancy tables and be lounging in the crotch of luxury somewhere between here and Tijuana before my 103rd birthday. I needed to devise a “plan B.” I found a 1962 Lincoln Continental Towne Car with suicide doors and a porta-potty for $599 a month to cover the interim. With my handicap placard, I can move to just about any Walmart parking lot in the whole darn United States … as easy as plucking the pack of cigarettes from the pocket of a Walmart greeter.
November 2015 Then the “coup de gras,” the “icing on the cake,” the eighttrack tape of Scott McKenzie’s, I’f You’re Going to San Francisvo” gets shoved into the gaping hole of my Lincoln. In less than the time it takes to say “420” friendly (about a half-lap in the Walmart parking lot) I have managed to find a 66-year-old flower child who is willing to share the rent for my palace on wheels which I have affectionately named “Fillmore.” I may not be blinded by the “light” of ambition, but I am seriously thinking about renting the extra space to a multigenerational family. Within a few months, I could be flipping “Fillmore” completely furnished (except for the Scott McKenzie tape; nobody gets my Scott McKenzie tape) and into a camper with wall-to-wall carpet and stepsaver kitchen. Free enterprise. It’s the American way and that’s the way I like it!
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“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” -Reba McEntire
A Time to Feast Answers on pg 24
Pumpkin Turkey Cranberry Mashed Potato Peas Beans Corn Pie Stuffing Gravy Carrots Jello Marshmallow Ham Mincemeat Pecan Rolls Brussels Sprouts
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November 2015
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When You Wish Upon
By Rosie Sorenson Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I plan to never purchase a vehicle from with OnStar. Touted as a system to protect drivers by means of its many security features, OnStar seems more like A Big Snoop, than A Big Help. Oh, sure, the company will tell you that they can’t/don’t listen in on conversations taking place in the car, that the driver has to press a red or blue button in order to communicate with the OnStar representative, but, in the same breath, they acknowledge that if OnStar is faced with a subpoena, well, then, my friend, you can pretty much kiss all your privacy rights good-bye. OnStar can order your car to stop running. The Visalia, California police discovered this handy feature when a car thief made the mistake of hijacking a Chevrolet Tahoe with OnStar. The po-lice worried that they would be drawn into the sort of car chase that inevitably ends up on the TV show “Cops,” but thanks to OnStar, an electronic command sent to disable the gas pedal, halted the car. The police nailed the thief, literally out of gas. What could be so wrong with that? Well, for one thing, just think what might happen if your dis-gruntled ex-spouse worked for OnStar and now suddenly possessed the means to track your eve-ry movement and to listen in on your every private conversation. If that doesn’t chill your bis-cuits, then someone should put a mirror under your nose. What if a burglar-turnedcomputer-hacker disabled your
November 2015
O nSt a r
car on a lonely road, robbed, or worse yet, murdered you? No one would be the wiser. Now that I think of it, OnStar is the perfect tool for a lazy hit-man. No more having to tail you in rush-hour traffic while praying that you stop soon on some deserted street. He can just sit back, relax, monitor your movements on the GPS, and then when he has you where he wants you, push the disabling button on your car.
OnStar is the perfect tool for a lazy hitman. No more having to tail you in rush-hour traffic. Although I don’t approve of this intrusive technology, I figure that as long as it exists, I might as well buy my very own OnStar device, one that would let the air out of the gasbags of whichever political party I find offensive. Just let me point the device at the TV, press the button and whoosh! Down he goes! While we’re at it, how about adapting it into a device I could have used yesterday to disable the car of a nasty woman driver who flipped me the bird right after I honked at her for wandering into my lane. I could have shut off her engine, sped around her car and flipped her right back be-fore she knew what was going down. I could also have stopped a rambunctious teenager (aka, soon-to-be-organ-donor) on a motorcycle who insisted upon weaving in and out of traffic on
I-80. Let that be a lesson to you, son. Point and disable. I’m beginning to like this. I could point it at the IRS building. Don’t even think about auditing one “R. Sorenson.” I could point it at my mortgage banker, give me a 0% mort-gage or I’ll vaporize you. I could point it at the neighbor whose dog terrorizes me every day. Sorry about your master, Fido. Perhaps it is, after all, time to wish upon Onstar. Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use fowl language. Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots. What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him! What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself! Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” - Erma Bombeck
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble?” Because they never learned good table manners!
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on the
FOOL “You can tell when you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” - Jay Leno
CURB
1. Would you rather have super strength or super intelligence? 2. Would you rather have the power to be invisible or be able to read minds? 3. What did you want to be when you grew up?
John D.
Phobia is excessive fear Mania is unreasonable enthusiasm
1. Super strength but I would go with intelligence now that I’m older 2. Invisible. It sounds so cool 3. I wanted to be a professional athlete
Alektorophobia: fear of chickens A bad time to be a turkey Choreomania: Abnormal love of dancing Only when alcohol is involved Ailurophobia: Fear of cats No wonder there are so many dog lovers
Lauren C.
1. Super Intelligence. I wouldn’t be in school so long and would be paying less 2. Invisible. It would be fun 3. A teacher
Cynophobia: fear of dogs …Said the cat Micromania: An abnormal desire to become smaller Alice in Wonderland!
Rico C.
1. Super intelligence. Because I can outwit the guy with the most strength 2. Read minds. I’ll know everybody’s next move 3. A football player and a cop
Epicaricacy: Taking pleasure in the misfortune of others It’s called “news” Logomania: An abnormal love of words What is the meaning of all this? Carnophobia: fear of meat Vegan, vegetarians…whatever Chrematophobia: fear of money and wealth Definition of the publishing business Maniaphobia: fear of going insane We’re already there!
You‛re not alone & we‛re all Foolish!
D. Turkey
1. Super Intelligence so I can outsmart the farmer and stay alive 2. I would want to be invisible to avoid being in the frozen food section of a grocery store 3. I wanted to be old
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JOKES
SUBMITTED
November 2015
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A lady came in for a routine physical at an internal medicine doctor’s office. “Here,” said the medical assistant, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks. You had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!” We understand there is a drought but shame on the M.A. to think this woman would pee in a little cup.
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Pro Football Turkey
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”
Foolish Search
Answers from page 19
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DONATE YOUR CAR Of the Peace Foundation
Running or not, we recondition vehicles & GIVE them to local veterans and their families. A vet will p/u your vehicle. 501c3 non-profit 831.324.5051 thepeacevet.org CERAMICS
CERAMICS 10th Street Ceramics
Enjoy a holiday project for you and your kids. Ready to paint projects. All Ages. 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com
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Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
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Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff. 831.372.3474
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AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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November 2015
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A blonde wife texts her husband while he is at work saying, “Windows frozen.” He respond’s “Pour some room temperature water over it.” She texts him, “No longer frozen, computers dead.” ***
A blonde walks into a bar. Shortly after another blonde walks into a bar. Ten seconds later two more blondes walk into the bar. You think they would have caught on after the first two blondes didn’t duck. *** A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blonds working down the road. They both have shovels. One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, “You guys look like you’re working hard. But I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish.” One of the blonds replies, “Well there’s usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick.” *** A brunette asked a blonde scuba diver why they jumped off of the boat backwards. The blonde replied, “If I jumped forwards I would still be in the boat.” *** A man and his blonde wife are sitting inside, by the fire, when the radio announcer comes on: “We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are
parked on the even-numbered side of the road.” The wife goes out and moves her car. The next day the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on: “We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road.” The wife goes out and moves her car. A few days later the same thing happens and the announcer comes on: “We are expecting up to two feet of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the” but the power goes out in the middle of the announcement. The blonde freaks out, “Which side do I put my car on?!” Her husband tenderly confronts her saying, “How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?” *** A large group of blondes gathered in the middle of New York City to prove once and for all they are smart people. They challenged everybody to ask any of them any question. A man approaches them and accepts their challenge. He randomly picks a blonde woman and asks her “What is the first letter of the alphabet?” The woman replies “V!” The man tells her she is wrong and the
group begins to chant, “One more chance! One more chance!” The man replies “Okay, okay. What is the capital of New York?” The woman yells, “Toronto!” The crowd chants again, “One more chance! One more chance!” The man indulges them, “Okay fine, final chance. What is two plus two?” The woman yells, “Four!” The crowd chants again, “One more chance! One more chance!” *** A blonde, brunette and a red head are stuck on the roof of a house. Fire fighters are holding a blanket for them to jump onto. They tell the brunette to jump to safety. When she jumps they pull the blanket away and she hurts her butt. Next the fire fighters tell the red head she needs to jump or she’ll never get down. She refuses because she is scared they will pull the blanket away. They tell her “It was an accident.” So she jumps and they pull the blanket away. She hurts her butt and yells at them. Finally the blonde gets smart and tells them, “I know what you’re going to do. Just lay the blanket on the ground and back away.” ***
A blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she has been extremely moody lately and can’t control her temper. He suggests, “Sounds like stress. You should try getting some exercise. Run 10 miles a day and call me in a couple of weeks.” She does this and calls him in a couple of weeks, “I’ve been running every day and I do feel a little better.” He asks her, “And how’s your family?” She replies, “How would I know? I’m 140 miles away.” *** A brunette woman challenges a blonde woman to a swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette tells her, “You have to breast stroke all the way.” The brunette finishes up the race within a few hours and waits for the blonde. She waits and waits and eventually falls asleep. The next morning she wakes up to the blonde standing over her extremely angry yelling, “You used your arms!”
If I were a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
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November 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
Every Friday & Saturday In November
November 21
Happy Birthday Voltaire
Planet Gemini
Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
November 5
Meet the Authors
Anne Perry & Victoria Zackheim share their approach to creating compelling characters and mesmerizing plots. www.pglibraryfriends.org
November 11 November 7
Seaside Library 85th Anniversary Party. Open house celebrating longevity and community involvement. thefriendsofseasidelibrary. org
November 6-15
One man, Two Guv’nors
Monterey High presents an award winning British comedy that has delighted audiences on both sides of the pond. Show also features a live band. mhs-mpusd-ca.schoolloop. com
November 7
Ralphie May
Nothing is off limits to this very big funny guy. He rolls into Santa Cruz for the first time. www.pulseproductions.net
Oldtown Salinas Our debt to every heroic man and valiant woman in the service of our country can never be repaid. Salinasveternasparade.org
Almost Maine
Open House
Tour renovations to the V.T.C. for Martinez Hall in Marina and learn what donations are doing to help our local homeless veterans. Sam Farr and Bill Monning are scheduled to speak. www.vtcmonterey.org
Veteran’s Day Parade
November 12-22
November 6
A romantic comedy where love is lost, found, and confounded. Life for the people of Almost, Maine will never be the same. www.mpctheatre.com
November 7-8
December People
The Holiday season starts here. Classic rock meets Xmas carols with a twist played by veteran rock stars. Second show already added. Benefits Food Bank and SPCA. csumb.edu/worldtheater
November 8
Holiday Bazaar at the Moose
Nothing bazaar about this bazaar. Start your Holiday shopping. montereymoose876.org
1694-1778 “Let us read and let us dance – two amusements that will never do any harm to the world.”
November 14
Hootenanny
We just love saying the word! A community sing- along and jam session that has been going on for 18 years. Really! performingartscenterpg.org
November 15
November 26
Thanksgiving Day
We wish all of you a happy and wonderful Thanksgiving. From the Chucklehead And the Fools
November 26
Community
Thanksgiving Dinner At the Monterey fairgrounds. Volunteer the day of or before to prep and serve. Or just show up to eat 11-3pm. A free community event
Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
What’s lurking in the back of the fridge? Today is the day to find out.
November 17
Unfriend Day
Ever scrolled through your FB only to realize you don’t recognize half the names? Today is the day we take care of that…gone!
November 29
Parade of Lights
Oldtown hosts one of the brightest, biggest and best parades in the Central Coast. www.SalinasParade.com
November 2015
www.foolishtimes.net
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Yellow Brick Road
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Mon Amie
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Second Chance
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MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
THE
RESALE TRAIL
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
3706 The Barnyard- Suite G11, Carmel 831.625.5100 www.monamieconsign.com
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
Branches Resale Shoppe
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
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FEATURED SHOP Just celebrated our third year of benefiting San Carlos School. We are proud to offer quality repurposed items at a fraction of their original cost. Join us this month as we roll out Christmas and select from our assortment of ugly sweaters. Featured discounts daily.