October 2015
e v a h I T S R O the W d l r o w e h t n i job
Event Calendar Âť pg. 26
Yeah R ight!
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October 2015
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World Theater Fall 2015 Performing Arts Series
Even a
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Doctor Needs a
Check Up December People A Classic Rock Christmas Annual Holiday Food Drive
2015 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE
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Discounts available for people/pet food donation. If great groups such as The Who, Boston, ELP and Santana all recorded familiar Christmas songs, what would they sound like? December People. Canned food drive to benefit Monterey County Food Bank and Santa Cruz animal shelter.
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October 2015
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..........................Nicholas S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee
Cover by Alyssa P.
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Sy Rosen, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks
Editor’s Note
A few weeks ago I misplaced my cell phone. To this day, it still has not surfaced. Do I raise the white flag and put it in the lost column? It’s mocking me by hiding and forgot that the game is over and it can come out now. I panicked because none of the information was backed up. There were pictures and phone numbers that I’ll never see again. As bad as this sounds, there was a peace of no anticipation or expectation. It was a reminder of the days before instant communication devices attached at the hip. Does anyone remember coming home and seeing the light blinking on your answering machine indicating you had a message? Oh the joy! How about dropping a dime in a pay phone to make a call? Those days were not all that long ago and yet feel so far removed. My office surprised me with an activated phone accompanied with balloons, cake, Champagne, and a marching band. Now when I see a missed call and call the caller back, I know the first minute will be an inquisition about why I didn’t pick up the phone in the first place. The message is clear to me… “What was your question?”
I’m thinking about candy this month. Not unusual … since I think about candy daily. Chocolate is my go to comfort food … some people like meat loaf, but give me a Butterfinger and I’m happy. So October is a great month for me because the stores are filled with enormous sweet-filled bags of chocolate and gummy bears and candy corn and sour worms and all kinds of other candy you never see at any other time of the year. Yippee! Halloween is right around the corner. I try not to buy any candy too far in advance … since I have no will power I just eat it. I even buy kinds I don’t like. I eat those too. There’s something about knowing it’s in the house that just calls to me. I hope this month you pick up a copy of Foolish Times and take it home … and I hope it calls to you to read it. Try it with a Butterfinger …
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Happy Halloween!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
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Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat 1. You get winded from knocking on the door. 2. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 3. You ask for high fiber candy only. 4. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 5. People say, “Great Keith Richard’s mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask. 6. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or ...” and can’t remember the rest. 7. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 8. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece. 9. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 10. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live. *** I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror. - Cherie Lunghi
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*** I need to lose some weight. I’m getting really fat. But I’m getting older, and I just can’t stop eating wonderful food. Rich,wonderful food. -H. Jon Benjamin *** You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old. -George Burns *** Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. -Groucho Marx *** Oh the weather outside is frightful, and my joints are not delightful. Since it got so dang cold, I feel old, I feel old, I feel old. *** You know you’re getting old when.... Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere. Your little black book contains
only names ending in M.D. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. Your children begin to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts that your body can’t meet. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 years ago today.” You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
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Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken. - Yogi Berra
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October 2015
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast, lunch & dinner. Pet friendly garden patio. Daily HH w/ $2.50 beer, $4 local wine. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aquito, Monterey www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winner chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
SANDWICHES
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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October 2015
The Halloween of 1956.
By Richard Matranga It”s that time of the year when Autumn gains a firm grip. The leaves turn to hues of purple, red and gold as daylight gradually surrenders to darkness. I feel a nostalgic twinge along with the “nip” in the air. It’s “childhood,” tugging at my mind which easily slips into reverse. I find myself acknowledging the urge to reminisce and, on this night, I’m about to take the bumpy road back to October 31, 1956. In ’56, I could knock on a neighbor’s door, holding on to a paper bag, yell “TRICK OR TREAT” when the door opened, wait for the “THUNK” of a treat being deposited, then repeat the procedure over and over again. When I got back home, I would dump my “booty” on the living room floor, stuff my mouth with tootsie rolls and inspect my night’s work. Picking out a few rocks, a rotten apple or a popcorn ball that was about my age and featured some dog hair, were “hazards” of the job. 1956 was the year I experienced the true meaning of Halloween. I was no wimp…no stranger to the macabre. I was already a veteran of one of the all time great “horror” films…“THE THING,” with James Arness, playing the part of a three-armed monster (he would later play Marshall Matt Dillon on TV) … and lurking just behind the curtain was “THE FLY,” starring Vincent Price. The special effects were so bad back then that I remember the audience howling with laughter when Vincent Price’s head was superimposed on the body of a fly, screaming “HELP ME !! HELP
ME!!” And who could forget THE “BLOB,” starring 35 year old, Steve McQueen, as a teenager doing what typical teenagers did in those days, that is, saving the entire world.
My seasoning as a Prodigy of Horror came from the ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ neighborhood training camp. My seasoning as a Prodigy of Horror came from the “truth is stranger than fiction” neighborhood training camp. Living next door was a neighbor by the name of “Floretta Graham” who may have been the real “Baby Jane Hudson.” I can still see her flowing shoulder length silver hair. She almost always wore a flower print skirt and long sleeve blouse with a wide black belt that accentuated her figure. Her lips and the general area around them were “fire engine” red, thanks to Revlon. I am pretty sure that, on at least one visit, I could hear the old Steinway in the house accompanying Floretta’s soulful vocal “chops” as she belted out a song called, “I’m Writing a Letter to Daddy.” In ’56, it was considered normal to roam the neighborhood “free range.” I would visit Floretta and her ancient mother, Katherine, quite often (not just on Halloween) to get a small dose of the “creeps” and whatever
snacks or candy they were willing to serve. The 55-year age gap seemed to melt away when Floretta and I were engaged in conversation covering topics from Adlai Stevenson to Elvis Presley to the “Cold War” and the threat of a nuclear “solution.” I was able to ‘block’ the messages from my mind by the time I was 10. I have to admit, I wasn’t fully ready for the complex “psychological” style of horror that I knew Floretta could teach me. I still had much to learn about straight forward “terror.” Still, it was an unlikely source that would leave the indelible mark of Halloween etched in my mind and in the shorts of nearly all of the kids in the neighborhood … my father. In the early evening hours of October 31, 1956, I was preparing to terrify the neighbors with my Tiger costume ( go easy on me … I was only 6). My mom had brought it home from Cooper’s toy store, where she said she worked, part time. Meanwhile, my dad had a “trick” of his own. He was preparing for what would become the “mother” of all Halloweens. He had gotten his hands on an incredibly gruesome mask, and with my mother’s help, fashioned a sheet over his 5’ 10” frame. It looked like he was “hovering” about a foot off the ground. When the doorbell rang at 556 West Taft Street, the front door slowly creaked open. Suddenly … a large, imposing figure that looked like he had taken a dip in the gene pool with Freddy Krueger floated toward the
www.foolishtimes.net intruders with open arms. The usual vocal chorus of “Trick or Treat” gave way to a “nauseating” silence. Hearts stopped beating. Terror transformed the faces of the kids from my ‘hood’ into a hideous collection as the adrenalin rush kicked in, followed by blood curdling screams and the sounds of the panicked herd. Even Dennis Killebrew, the neighborhood bully, looked like he had seen a ghost and had opened up a sizable lead on the rest of the terrified “pack” as it stampeded past the home of the lovely Floretta Graham, ensuring that I would be well taken care of during my upcoming visits to continue my education.
Richard, a native Californian, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at which time he began writing his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life … with a humorous “bite.” Check out his blog, dickiedidit. wordpress.com.
Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. - Yogi Berra
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October 2015
Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Are you microwave safe? Beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are not! Still we is flesh, still we is bones. We must treat ourselves and others without sticks and stones. Childish as this may sound, what abounds is your blurting! Say whatever pops in your head and your people do feel the hurting. A day in your life is nothing short of a miracle, so be an oracle. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Riding that train high on Novocain is a dull trip. You being all private, aloof, and self-contained makes you the dodgy lodger! Fellow passengers are concerned about your odd behavior. Reconvene with the mysterious forces that governs us all, and acknowledge that we continuously live by the generosity of others. Don’t be a stranger because there is no clear and present danger. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Black Mail! Surrender the loss Hoss! Action must take place in order to break up routine. Here lies a bonanza of vibes where you lack initiative. Did you really think that it was an eye for an eye kind of deal? Nah! There is no such thing, only a cycle that will inevitably end in demise. Think wise, drop the disguise. Yes, both of them.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab You have unconsciously inherited a Saboteur! A fiend of sorts from your very own brew. Complaining endlessly of how you are mistreated won’t propulse the courageous powerful forces within you to overhaul the monster of nonsense. Best not be flabby Crabby, make it a real deal. It’s only a broom ride away. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion It is a Skin Game. Nothing like a few good licks in the sun. Right! We all need a good pet, but YOU know this. What’s really getting your goat is lack of appreciation, bare-with cat! Remember your success and powers are not fantasies, they are happenings, sometimes of the third kind. Reel in the fangs, and hang. Add some Ylang, Ylang. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Torn Curtain! Looks like the dust particles went into an alcoholic rage. This kind of housekeeping is not your usual stage. Don’t cry, analyze! A warm loving relationship will bring out your cheek bones or your check book. Either way it doesn’t matter because what was once an apparition is now a real bag of tricks, a human. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales ROPE! You are at the end of it, another Birthday, and your party plans irrational. You want to kill ONE of your guests, think what
the neighbors will say. Plus, you have so much to be thankful for. C’mon now! Just imagine all the gory, gruesome, and grisly gossip you can spread while THEY are still alive! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions Suspicion! OMG! You have spotted a weakness in a rival and you move in quickly for the kill! A hollow in one’s life can lead to such harsh moves. You are reluctant to trust anyone with your heart or your Panini Grill for that matter, and yet you suggest your private eye bedside manner is perfectly perfect despite all it’s obvious negative effects on you. Will you be a trick or a treat? Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer It’s for The Birds! Peck, peck, peck goes that compulsion to separate yourself from the multitude. The alikeness with nature is the staying power that you need to keep on kicking the grim reaper in the arse! Otherwise, your psyche will resemble a mausoleum. A trippy tippy is: Better to be too Frank then be less Mitch. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Under Capricorn lies a big pillow and an inexhaustible labor for love. You want your great LOVE, but you consider it a job. Under your self-imposed quagmire of suffering, you are just looking for an excuse for a goatee or a third piercing. Let this skeleton out ~You know you want to. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18)
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By Bini The Water-Carrier Your visionary mind has an added REAR WINDOW surveying all the possibilities of a new world. But when the big squeeze of science and cement cracks these lofty ideals into itty bitty bits of reality, you begin to doubt, almost like witnessing your own murder. Ok, let’s settle down, cheerfully ignore what other’s think and strike off on a new path, unbound by precedence. Remember from the Void all things begin. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Boo! Stage Fright could make you into a Psycho. Strongly focus that impressionable sight, and declare your mission in the world. The experimenter does influence the experiment, so, your vision, your way! Summon your touchy feely side, this self is highly legitimate. Let the rhythm of this momentous billow guide you. You ain’t no minnow no more!
Never answer an anonymous letter. - Yogi Berra
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October 2015
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By Lily Brun
Mahalo Hawaii I went to Hawaii last month. Predominately because my son got married (to a lovely woman I must add), but I did squeeze in some time to check out the local flora. Hawaii is a tropical paradise. Ha! I know that’s really stating the obvious, but it’s so unlike anything here on the mainland. Everywhere you look there are amazingly lush gardens, filled with brilliant, colorful and aromatic flowers. And, because Hawaii sits in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, most of the plants found there aren’t found anywhere else in the world. Go Hawaii! And the names are a trip. Let’s take a stroll through the steamy gardens of the Paradise of the Pacific - the Aloha State - and take a peek at what’s blooming: Plumbago - say it with me … Plum…ba…go. Sounds like a dance; or maybe a drink - I’ll have a Plumbago on the rocks. Not so tasty though; it’s claim to fame is chalk glands that give it an unappetizing looking powdery
mildew sheen. The white, blue, purple, red and pink flowers are pretty, though.
A stroll through the steamy gardens of the Paradise of the Pacific - the Aloha State. Bird of paradise - it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s super-flower; prettier than a sunrise, more powerful than any pill, able to fight allergies with single flower. Get this - it has no windborne pollen and on the OPALS (Ogren Plant Allergy Scale) rating system it’s a 1 … sneezing 0. Plumeria - also known as frangipani. The fragrance is intoxicating, for a really sneaky good reason. Since the flowers have no nectar, it’s the fragrance that entices pollination. The sphinx moth is duped into fruitlessly flying from flower to flower in its search for nectar by the beguiling aroma. At least it doesn’t turn the poor thing to stone.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra
Liliko’i - this flower is a trip in itself, changing from flower to fruit in one passionate transformation. The flowers are like something out of Fantasia or a Dr. Seuss book… white petals streaked with purple form a three inch base out of which comes bright yellow stamens dotted with white hairs. The whole thing looks like its suction-cupped to the center of the flower. And then, in a bizarre conversion, as the flower ages it hardens into a fruit … a passion fruit. Geez, you have to be one passionate plant to go through all this just to create a seed vessel! This was my favorite. It’s edible!
Jams, syrups and butters all are made from the fruit. Those are pretty yummy. Even better is the concentrate. A squirt in water or juice makes a zingy drink. Or … take a deep cleansing breath … mix it with crushed ice and a splash of vodka and have one nice spiked sno-cone … or, sit yourself down, add a little tequila, blend with ice, a little salt on the rim and it’s true Hawaiian nectar - a passion fruit margarita! Wikiwiki time to go before I stayed in the islands forever. Aloha!
You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.- Yogi Berra
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October 2015
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October 2015
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Fix Your Glitch —
Read a “Dummi es” Book
By Debbie Harris Last month I discussed how technology is taking over life, how it’s considered smart, and how humans are the problem in a techno-world. Coming to this conclusion involves how the problems of computers and humans are diagnosed and the expectations we have of each. We expect technology to have glitches, especially if a system is in its early stages of development. If there is a technological glitch, it’s just understood that the computer needs a technician to fix it. We know we need a certain amount of patience with this no matter how anxious we get. When it comes to people, however, when something goes wrong, all kinds of specialists may need to get involved—doctors, therapists, pharmaceutical companies, 12-step groups, prayer vigils. Or, we may consider the person hopeless, not able to be fixed. When that happens, it’s not a glitch—it’s a flaw, maybe even a character flaw. So it seems that computers have glitches and people have flaws.
I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four. - Yogi Berra
Unfortunately, flaws and glitches are not interchangeable. Glitches seem more forgivable than flaws, like the difference between an itch and a rash. One can be scratched and it will go away; the other probably needs investigation and treatment. Yet, even if a computer’s glitch never goes away and the people using that system just learn to work around it, it’s still not a flaw. It’s just a glitch.
So it seems that computers have glitches and people have flaws. Why can’t we apply computer terminology to people? I know I’ve had mornings when my brain just didn’t want to boot up. I’d try rebooting with a strong cup of tea, but it still ran slow. No technicians came to help. After a Thanksgiving meal with your obnoxious brother-in-law, you could tell the other guests, “He’s got a bigotry glitch 8.0.” If you’re a person who has problems getting to places and events on time, you don’t say “I have a tardiness glitch . . . 3.1.” Besides, to the prompt people who always have to wait for you, that’s a flaw. To keep up with rapidly expanding technology in both its functional and flawed states, we need continual vigilance, even though it can make us feel like we’re chasing the caboose of a runaway train. To some, not being
technologically savvy is a flaw. I prefer to see it as techo-lagging 07 (Referencing what my son told me in 2012 when I finally got a “smart” phone—“Welcome to 2007, Mom.” He’s working with an old operating system—Smart Aleck 1.0) Despite my lagging, I’m frequently trying to familiarize myself with new concepts and new technologies. One way I can do that is to consult a very popular genre of instruction manuals--the “Dummies” books. Since we are dealing
with humans, we can’t use the word “smart.” That’s reserved for technology and improved products. Everyone knows that the computers are smart and the humans are the dummies. There’s a huge array of Dummies books-Microsoft Office for Dummies, The Internet for Dummies, Hinduism for Dummies. My next instruction manual is going to have to be the ironically titled Boosting Self-Esteem for Dummies! So fill your life with as many “smart” things as you can to help counteract all the “dummies” you interact with every day. And be sure to get your glitches fixed!
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There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
Answers on page 24
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The Happy Season
October 2015
by Rex Keyes
The year is coming to an end and so many of the major holidays that we celebrate are coming up soon. This is also the time of the year that studies have shown that people get depressed because they feel that they are forgotten, not wanted or lonely. But quite the contrary, everyone is loved this time of the year more than ever. It may not be by a relative, your ex-spouse or the next door neighbor but instead by certain businesses and people throughout the US. And those businesses are: the candy industry at Halloween, turkey farmers, sweet potato and cranberry growers during Thanksgiving, and the toy and jewelry industry at Christmas. And for New Year’s Eve and all the aforementioned holidays, because there are so many parties and celebrations, the following individuals always think highly of you and will not hesitate to visit you when you invite them into your home: Jack Daniels, Paul Masson, Johnnie and Hiram Walker, and the Gallo family. As a famous song goes, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” as you are very important, cherished and loved by corporate America during this time of year. Speaking of happiness, when it rains people are not normally happy, but with the drought if it rains I think just the opposite will be true. There are a couple of rain songs with videos that definitely apply to this drought: we start with The Temptations singing “I Wish It Would Rain,” then The Eurhythmics, “Here Comes the Rain Again.” Once the rain comes we need a lot of it so “Buckets of
Rain” by Neko Case is a great song. And once we get buckets of rain then the best video and rain song of all time comes up and that is “Singing in the Rain” sung and danced to by Gene Kelly. Hey, give me an umbrella and I’ll do the same dance in our front yard. Of course someone may call that white paddy wagon to come pick me up but at least I’ll be happy.
Someone may call that white paddy wagon to come pick me up but at least I’ll be happy. So it’s party time coming up with all the holidays and the rainy season, so “be prepared” as the Boy Scouts say. Get that Halloween costume ready, stop at the store and buy some candy, start buying Christmas presents, decorate the house with lights and get that fake Xmas tree and ornaments out of the basement. Of course, you can skip all this and get an airplane ticket to Bora Bora, the Caribbean Islands or Tahiti for a couple of weeks. Whatever decision you make, just remember, after the first of January it’s all back to normal sitting behind that desk in your office or whatever job you have. And for you retirees, it will be the low travel season where airline ticket prices drop and you can party cheaply anywhere around the world. Happy Halloween Everyone!
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October 2015
By Chuck Shepherd
Annals of Injustice • Richard Rosario is in year 18 of a 25-to-life sentence for murder, even though 13 alibi witnesses have tried to tell authorities that he was with them—1,000 miles away—at the time of the crime. (Among the 13 are a sheriff’s deputy, a pastor and a federal corrections officer.) The “evidence” against him: Two “eyewitnesses” in New York City had picked him out of a mugshot book. Rosario had given police names, addresses and phone numbers of the 13 people in Florida, but so far, everyone (except NBC’s “Dateline”) has ignored the list, including Rosario’s court-appointed lawyers. As is often the case, appeals court judges (state and federal) have trusted the eyewitnesses and the “process.” (In November, “Dateline” located nine of the 13, who are still positive Rosario was in Deltona, Florida, on the day of the murder.)
Questionable Judgments • Pastor Walter Houston of the Fourth Missionary Church in Houston repeatedly refused in November to conduct a funeral for longtime member Olivia Blair, who died recently at age 93—because she had come upon hard times in the last 10 years and had not paid her tithe. Ms. Blair’s family had supported the church for 50 years, but Pastor
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Houston was defiant, explaining, “Membership has its privileges.” (The family finally found another church for the funeral.) • A U.S. Appeals Court once again in September instructed government agencies that it is unconstitutional to make routine business-inspection raids without a judicial warrant. “We hope that the third time will be the charm,” wrote Judge Robin Rosenbaum. In the present case, the court denounced the full-dress SWAT raid in 2010 of the Strictly Skillz barbershop in Orange County, Florida, for “barbering” without a license. (All certificates were found to be up-to-date, and in fact, the raiding agency had verified the licenses in a walkthrough two days before.)
The Continuing Crisis • Cornelius Jefferson, 33, was arrested for assaulting a woman in Laurel County, Kentucky, in October after he had moved there from Georgia to be with her following an online relationship. Jefferson explained that he was frustrated that the woman was not “like she was on the Internet.” • In November, an unnamed groom in Medina, Saudi Arabia, leaped to his feet at the close of the wedding, shocked at his first glimpse of his new bride with her veil pulled back. Said he (according to the daily Okaz), “You are not the girl I had imagined. I am sorry, but I divorce you.”
• The recovery rate is about 70 percent for the 1,200 injured birds brought for treatment each year to the Brinzal owl-rescue park near Madrid, Spain—with acupuncture as the center’s specialty treatment. Brinzal provides “physical and psychological rehabilitation” so that eagle owls, tawny owls and the rest can return to the wild, avoiding predators by being taught, through recordings of various wild screeches, which animals are enemies. However, the signature therapy remains the 10 weekly pressure-point sessions of acupuncture.
Suspicions Confirmed •Even though one state requires 400 hours’ training just to become a professional manicurist, for instance, most states do not demand nearly such effort to become armed security guards, according to a CNN/Center for Investigative Reporting analysis released in December. Fifteen states require no firearms training at all; 46 ignore mental health status; nine do not check the FBI’s criminal background database; and 27 states fail to ascertain whether an applicant is banned by federal law from even carrying a gun. (After an ugly incident in Arizona in which a juvenile gun offender was hired as a guard, the state added a box on its form for applicants to “self-report” the federal ban—but still refuses to use the FBI database.) • Two high-ranking Hollywood, Florida, police officers were absolved of criminal wrongdoing recently even though they had intentionally deleted their colleagues’ names from Internal Affairs investigative records. Assistant Chief Ken Haberland and Maj. Norris Redding somehow convinced prosecutors that they were unaware the files were “public records” that should not be altered. The two are still
subject to fines and restitution, but have been returned to administrative duty.
Ironies • In October, Reynolds American Inc., whose iconic product is Camel cigarettes, announced it would ban employees at its North Carolina headquarters from smoking in the offices, relegating them to special smokers’ rooms. (Critics of the company noted that Reynolds has for years staunchly denied that “secondary smoke” is dangerous.) • In September, Guinter Kahn, the South Florida dermatologist who developed minoxidil (the hairrestoring ingredient in Rogaine), passed away at age 80. Dr. Kahn himself had noticeable hair loss, but was allergic to minoxidil.
Scenes • The owner of a wine shop in Highgate, England, said the thief who robbed him in September somehow placed him in a trance so the man could pick his pockets —and then, brushing past him on his way out, the man brought the shop owner out of the trance. Victim Aftab Haider, 56, pointed to surveillance video showing him staring vacantly during the several seconds in which his wallet was being lifted from his trousers. • In October in Scotland’s Perth Sheriff Court, Paul Coombs was sentenced to 14 months in jail for a June home invasion in which accomplices conveyed Coombs’ threats to the resident because Coombs himself is deaf and does not speak. Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd, Distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500.
October 2015
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October 2015
Mira, WOW! By Daria James A lost soul e-mailed me a question, I usually do not give advice but this person seemed to think I could help.
My Girlfriend broke up with me, any advice? They say confidence is sexy, they are right! However, I think handling a break-up gracefully is much sexier. So your partner broke up with you, you cry, you grieve, you pick up the box with your belongings, you change your Netflix password and move on. Easy peasey. Why go on social media and publicly blast them? Ill-mannerly speaking of your former lover says way more than less about you. After all, you did enter in
a relationship with that terrible person you speak of. I do not want to quote Frozen here, mostly because it has already played enough, but you should let it go! It is the healthy and sane thing to do.
You pick up the box with your belongings, you change your Netflix password and move on. Easy peasey. You’ll see, the best revenge is to better yourself, really, hit the gym, take some classes, get a small make-over. I am not saying to pull a Sandee (that is a Grease
reference, I am not old, and that is a classic) and completely change yourself, I said better yourself and do not take them back. Get a cat and pet it as you evilly laugh. That is the perfect plan. (Cat is optional) Relationships should be about finding that companion that will help you be better and achieve your goals, support your dreams even. Stroke together, like the Princeton crew. If you are the only one putting work into the relationship, kiss that selfish person good-bye. It sounds easier said than done, but it is not impossible! If everything else fails, there is always cheap alcohol. That’s how you drown your sorrows, just hope they don’t know how to swim. Leave top-shelf alcohol for celebrations. Take it like a man. You just lost a battle in the field of love, but you have not lost the war, plus, you came out alive! Instagram: Mira_Wow
What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas. What do mummies like listening to? Wrap music! Why did the policeman ticket the ghost? It didn’t have a haunting license. What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair? The scary-go-round and rollerghoster! What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch! What’s worse than being a five-ton witch? Being her broom! Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man! What’s a ghoul’s favorite game? Hide-and-ghost-seek. Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It raises their spirits.
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Yours, Mine, Ours By Rosie Sorenson Last week I did something I had been putting off for years. I boxed up my bank statements from 1982, my ancient credit card bills, and my old mortgage papers and took them for shredding to a company called “No Trace.” No Trace is not your typical document destruction company. According to Rob, the manager, most such companies utilize a cross-cut shredder to destroy the records. “The problem with that method,” Rob said, “is that the shredded documents can be reconstituted by those with criminal intent.” In other words, crooks with a lot of time on their hands and a love of jigsaw puzzles. Rob pointed out that instead of shredding, No Trace pulverizes the documents so there’s no chance of anyone reassembling them. Not that I’m a particularly important person with financial
assets worth stealing, but I was happy to hear that all the King’s horses and all the King’s men could not put my records together again. No Trace even has the imprimatur of Uncle Sam, offering “government specified approved shred output.” If they’re good enough for my Uncle, they’re good enough for me. I asked Rob if I could watch my stuff being destroyed. He pointed to a big screen television hanging from the ceiling near the door and said, “You can watch it from here.” He then placed my four banker boxes on a wheeled cart and whisked them away to the pulverizing machine which was locked behind a wire mesh fence topped by curly razor wire. Rob flipped the switch and soon an impressive roar echoed throughout the vast interior of the metal warehouse. I turned
to watch the action on the HDTV and saw the spiked drum churning slowly as the conveyor belt ushered my papers toward oblivion. The light reflecting off the bright silver steel drum hurt my eyes; the grinding, highpitched squeal blasted my ears. I was witnessing the inglorious end to the documented narrative
I was witnessing the inglorious end to the documented narrative of my life. of my life. Scant minutes later there was little trace of the contributions I had made over the years to the economy: the black suede boots I purchased from Nordstrom; my first mortgage; my first car loan. I felt a little sad, a little empty as I watched my papers being rendered into confetti until I asked Rob what they did with all that material. “Are you familiar with Angel Soft?” he said. I nodded. “Well, that’s where a lot of this stuff goes,” he said. “You mean it gets turned into
toilet paper?” I said, eyes wide. Oh, how could I tell him he had just made my day? The next time I’m at Target reaching for the Angel Soft, I know I’m going to be thinking about a woman named Mary, who over-paid for the silk dress she wore once to the Black and White Ball; and about Kenneth, who, feeling flush from cashing in his stock options, charged a Mercedes convertible on his new Amex card; and about Mary Jane, who plunked down her credit card to cover the cost of lymphoma surgery for her beloved cat, Max. Who said there’s no sense of community? Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT is an award-winning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow. com Visit www.zazzle.com/ theyhadmeatmeow to order original greeting cards, t-shirts, mugs, etc.
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October 2015
The Famine By Ted Gargiulo Mountains of pulp, everywhere you look! Offices, entire cities, are choking on paper, buried in their own excess. There’s more stuff piling up than people can handle. Help! Suddenly, there’s a famine in the workplace. Paper mills around the state are on strike, distributors have ceased making deliveries, and local suppliers can no longer keep up with the demand. Office stationary is all but depleted. Unfortunately, no one gave much credence to the warnings, until it was too late. What to do? Managers and supervisors, from City Hall on down—the very rascals responsible for the most reckless proliferation of intra-office garbage on the planet—now impose draconian restrictions on everyone else working under them, threatening to discipline any employee found wasting paper. Naturally, they impose no penalties on themselves, nor do they experience any significant setbacks—at least, not right away. Instead, they secretly stockpile paper from around the office, stealing enough from their subordinates to keep themselves comfortable…then accuse THEM of mismanaging supplies! Roaming “snoop” overseers, whose jobs consisted of writing damaging critiques of fellow workers, are summarily laid off once their stash of grievance forms is used up. In time, however, the same arrogant bigwigs who initiated the moratorium in the first place, are themselves reduced to digging
through dumpsters and waste receptacles, using the backs of discarded spreadsheets and outdated office forms to generate their precious letters and communiques.
Now impose draconian restrictions on everyone else working under them, threatening to discipline any employee found wasting paper The famine worsens. Fearful of losing their jobs, and faced with a catastrophic paper deficit that shows no signs of letting up, lower rank employees begin coming up with more and more creative ways of braving the famine. By now, even the lavatories have run out of paper. In lieu of more sanitary amenities, coworkers utilize the glut of useless memos and progress reports that have accumulated in their drawers and folders over the years. This proves to be a far more efficient (albeit uncomfortable) use of company resources than their fat-cat superiors could have imagined. Nothing is wasted. People share. People recycle. People improvise. Had they enacted such extreme measures long ago, this terrible shortage might have been averted. Eventually, a
few clever dudes uncover reams of dusty, antiquated forms that have been hidden away in some obscure drawers where no one had thought to check before. Eureka! For a while, the situation seems stable. Alas, the relief is only temporary. Once these final reserves begin to dwindle, workers take to pilfering neighboring offices throughout their respective buildings. Some bribe the custodian to sneak them in after hours. Others wait till he leaves for the evening before breaking in through fire escape doors and windows, ransacking desks, cabinets, storage rooms, even bathrooms. Things get ugly. Threats and accusations are exchanged among rival personnel, violent skirmishes waged in elevators, lobbies and office corridors. Blood is shed, offices vandalized, eyeglasses broken. The workplace is in chaos. Every day, police are called in to restore order.
Then one day, the strike ends. Paper mills are back on line. Suppliers restock. Businesses rebound. Jubilant citizens start gorging on paper like there’s no tomorrow, hurling it out office windows to celebrate their emancipation. Over 1200 tons of pulp rain down on the streets in one day. Once again, the city is paralyzed, gagging on its own good fortune. Help!
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
Beware of things that go bump in the night this month! Answers on pg 24
Spooky Creepy Chilling Eerie Ghostly Mysterious Ominous Scary Supernatural Uncanny Weird Unearthly Frightening Beastly Bad Icky Rotten Wicked Gross Ghastly
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10 things in golf that sound dirty 1. Look at the size of his putter 2. Oh, dang, my shafts all bent 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk 5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip 6. Lift your head and spread your legs 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired 8. Just turn your back and drop it 9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls 10. Damn, I missed the hole again Tony and Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Tony is the funny one in the family.
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FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A dietician was once addressing a group of physicians at a CHOMP Seminar: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.” “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The doctor lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
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October 2015
The Best Inventions of My Lifetime By Sy Rosen This list is what I consider to be the 15 best inventions of my lifetime. And I know it’s hard to believe, but my lifetime doesn’t include the radio, the automobile, or the wheel. In ascending order here they are: 15. The remote control - Do you remember the old days when we had to get out of the couch to change a channel? How did we do it? The first remote was invented in 1956 by Zenith and called “Lazy Bones.” Coincidentally, this is what my wife calls me. 14. The microwave oven - I can cook a baked potato in about 8 minutes – except for world peace and universal health care, life can’t get any better. 13. The iPod – I can download the Beatles and Frank Sinatra and listen to them while eating a baked potato. Okay, I really don’t know how to download to an iPod and have to ask my daughter for help – but I still think it’s a great invention. 12. The artificial heart – I wasn’t going to include medical inventions because I’m sure everyone has a favorite. My Uncle Harold can’t stop talking about Metamucil; my Uncle Phil raves about dental floss; and my Aunt Harriet keeps saying how great it is that my Uncle Mort is using Viagra. As you can imagine, family dinners aren’t a lot of fun. However, the artificial heart is so important and groundbreaking that I just had to include it on the list. 11. The answering machine – It was invented before I was born but didn’t gain popularity in the U.S. until the 1960s so I’m going to include it (hey, it’s my list). I
love leaving the house and having messages waiting for me like a little present (except if they’re from my Uncle Harold talking about Metamucil). 10. I’m lumping together DVD, VHS, VCR, DVR, Blu-ray – They allow you to watch a TV show anytime you want. Again, I have to admit that I really don’t know how to work any of these and still can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00.
I love leaving the house and having messages waiting for me like a little present. 9. Ziplock bags – They really keep food fresh. Unfortunately, sometimes when I buy a package of ham that’s sealed this way, I can’t open it and have to use an invention from an earlier era – the scissors. 8. The credit card – it may have been conceived earlier, but in 1950 Diners Club issued the first credit card in the United States (I think I’m still paying that one off). 7. Pong was a popular home video game invented in 1972. It was very soothing and has evolved into other soothing video games such as Resident Evil, Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, Watch Dogs, The Walking Dead, Killzone, and F.E.A.R. 6. The ATM – in the late 1960s the first ATM in the US was installed outside of a bank. And I’ve been taking money out of these evil devices ever since. 5. The digital camera – I love
that I can instantly erase any picture that makes me looks fat, old or generally funny looking. In other words, I erase most of my pictures. 4. The hybrid car – It was invented before my lifetime but has just recently been improved. These cars reduce pollution and can get over 60 miles to a gallon. Everyone who cares about the environment should get one…I haven’t but I’m an idiot. 3. The computer, the internet, e-mail, Google, You Tube, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter – I’m lumping together all these technical inventions because I don’t want them to take up most of my list. I again have to admit
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that I have trouble using most of this stuff and have to ask my daughter for help 2. The cell phone – I hate when people are talking loudly on their cell, but it’s still a great invention and I do know how to use it…kind of. 1. Wheels on luggage – This great invention has put a lot of chiropractors out of business. It’s one of those terrific innovations that makes you say, “I could have invented that.” And most importantly, I know how to work it.
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October 2015
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on the
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CURB
It’s amazing that while walking down Alvarado Street people want to talk to me. What do I look like, the Pope? 1. What should one call a male ladybird (ladybug)? 2. Why do they put Braille dots on a drive-up ATM? 3. If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
Elexis P. (Did not want to be pictured) 1. Gentlebug 2. For blind passengers to make transactions without giving someone else their bank info. 3. You failed Ruben C. 1. Ladybug 2. In case of spur-of-moment blindness 3. Experienced the Tao. Nat P. 1. Caitlyn Jenner 2. For all the blind idiots who can’t see that the light just turned green JUST GO ALREADY! 3. You’ve just plain sucked. Max W. 1. Mister Ladybird. Or ask their preferred pronouns 2. It was made by blind people. 3. Exactly what you set out to do. Brianna T. (Did not want to be pictured) 1. Excuse me? What is a ladybird? 2. Because corporations are really horrible and they don’t want to lose their citizen status. 3. You’ve just remade the producers.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. - Yogi Berra
Adam A. 1. a Phallic Coccinella Septempunctata. 2. If someone who is blind is planning to go through a drive through ATM, they would have to be driven by an escort, when being escorted, one usually sits in the back seat. If the escort of said blind person pulls far enough up through the drive through the escortee can access the ATM without actually having to get out of the car and walk to a nondrive through ATM. 3. If you tie a piece of buttered toast to a cats back with the buttered side facing up and drop it off of a tall building, how would it land? (Well Played)
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October 2015
The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
Lizards and Geckos
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Is it a lizard or a gecko Making you a nervous wrecko? Because you are my friend’I will share with you my ken The lizard slithers down the halls But cannot climb on slopes or walls The gecko does roofs and ceilings And the reason is revealing The gecko’s feet Are really net With suction pads upon its toes It will not fall upon your nose Now you are an acknowledged wizard In the lore of gecko and lizard. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Foolish Search I wish everybody had the drive Joe DiMaggio had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field. - Yogi Berra
Answers from page 19
A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’ They want me to make one up. I don’t make ’em up. I don’t even know when I say it. They’re the truth. And it is the truth. I don’t know. - Yogi Berra
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR
HANDYMAN
Seaside Computer Services
Bob
Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
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DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
CHIMNEY SWEEPER Protect your home! A clean chimney is a safe chimney. 40 years experience. Quick response. 831.402.2273 tandtcleanup.webs.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
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DONATE YOUR CAR Of the Peace Foundation
Running or not, we recondition vehicles & GIVE them to local veterans and their families. A vet will p/u your vehicle. 501c3 non-profit 831.324.5051 thepeacevet.org CERAMICS
CERAMICS 10th Street Ceramics
Enjoy a summer project for you and your kids. Ready to paint projects. All Ages. 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com
PLUMBING
CHRISTIAN APPAREL
A and R Plumbing
Come As You Are Christian Store
Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium
Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff. 831.372.3474
theultimateaquarium.net
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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October 2015
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***
“May I take your order?” the blonde waitress asked. “Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special sir,” she replied, “we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.” *** How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. *** Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her. *** I knew a blonde who was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *** A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’” *** A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, “I’m a pilot! People need me to fly planes!” and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, “My hair won’t look pretty if I’m dead!” and then jumps out The priest then says to the high schooler, “Son, I’ve lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven.” The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, “Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?” The high schooler replies, “The blonde lady took my backpack!”
*** A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk. “Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies. *** A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!” The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?” She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!” *** A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, “Pull over!” The blonde responds, “No Silly, it’s a scarf.”
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. “No!” yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. “For the last time, no!” says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?” The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!” *** Did you hear what happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training. *** Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes! *** A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, someone stole it. The policemen asked, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.” *** Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common? A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright. *** Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet? A: The 1863 Blonde Hide-andSeek champion!
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October 2015
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Every Friday & Saturday In October
October 18
Fiesta Del Mar
Planet Gemini
Monterey’s #1 comedy club. Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
October 2-ongoing
Edge of the Sea
A 3-month program celebrating famed environmentalist Rachel Carson. Art exhibit, lectures, nature walks, poetry readings, kids mural and more. edgeoftheseapg.wordpress. com
October 15
The Wailin’ Jennys
M.B. Oktoberfest
Andre brings Bavaria to us for the fifth year! German handcrafted draft beer, dance to two live bands, food, a parade, crafts & street vendors. oktoberfestmonterey.com
Metamorphic
A wearable, edible artable event. It’s a celebration of all the YACsters who grow through art and mentoring. Creative dress in encouraged. www.yacstudios.org
A fun time to celebrate and dress up as your alter ego. Whatever you do and wherever you go, go safely for yourself and others
Ciclovia Salinas
S.V. Food & Wine
The streets of Oldtown Salinas will be filled with regional wineries, craft beer, food, cooking demos, music, art and lots of people. salinasvalleyfoodandwine. com
Salinas is investing to make cycling safer and clearly marked on the streets. The event started in Bogota in 1974. openstreetsproject.org/ salinas
October 26
National Mincemeat Day
What is this you ask? It’s a mixture of minced meats, suet and fruits. Sometimes liquor is added. Yum!
October 29
Moldy Cheese Day
October 10
Halloween
October 25
October 9 Celebrate that forgotten chunk in the back of your refrigerator. Mold is common in cheese. The blue stuff in Blue Cheeses is mold.
October 31
Three ladies forge a united folk-pop sound. A great live act. goldenstatetheatre.com
October17 October 3-4
El día incluye presentaciones musicales en vivo, danzas culturales, shows de alimentaciones presentadas bilingües, artesanías para los niños y mucho más. Montereybayaquarium.org
Reduced Shakespeare Company October 17
Zombie Run
Family friendly 5K or 2K Race/stroll and Emergency Preparedness Fair. Dress like a zombie and drag yourself around Pebble Beach. www.active.com
What started as a “pass the hat” to get paid, has turned into world-renowned stage shows. The Complete History of Comedy (abridged) www.sunsetcenter.org.
October 31-Nov 1
ROTA Fair
Go ahead and guess, errr read my mind … if you can. When this fails, head to the ROTA fair and see how it’s really done. www.rotapsychicfair.com
www.foolishtimes.net
October 2015
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Yellow Brick Road
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Mon Amie
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Second Chance
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MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
THE
RESALE TRAIL
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
3706 The Barnyard- Suite G1 Carmel 831.625.5100 www.monamieconsign.com
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com
Branches Resale Shoppe
480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
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FEATURED SHOP Carmel & Monterey Peninsula's Premiere Benefit Store "Repurpose with Purpose" Yellow Brick Road Gives Back! Last year we passed a milestone... Over Five Million Dollars has been given back to the community in the past 25 years!!! Shop, donate or volunteer with us today and be a part of our great accomplishments!