September 2015
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September 2015
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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org
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SPCA Benefit Shop
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John's Consignment & Home Decore
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Yellow Brick Road
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Second Chance
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Branches Resale Shoppe
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MPVS Benefit Shop
655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
THE
RESALE TRAIL
26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org
105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org
Golden Rose
Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com
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Golden Rose
FEATURED SHOP
We’re moving and don’t want to take it all with us. Offering deep discounts on classic décor and one of a kind distressed home and garden furniture. Quality treasures of the past and present. Come in and browse. Dealers welcome.
September 2015
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..........................Nicholas S. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee Cover by Alyssa P.
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Sy Rosen, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson
The Chucklehead Speaks If I had the time, I would have been at The World Custard Pie Throwing Championship in Coxheath, Kent. This competition dates back to 1967 where each team of four wear fancy dresses and points are awarded for direct hits on different body parts of the opponent. The team from Japan won in a hard fought battle against The fairy Cakes. Scouting this event warms my soul that Foolish times could compete and bring home the trophy. No American team has ever won; probably due to no American team ever competing! Anyone want to start training with us? Further north, the next stop is Oulu, Finland for the 20th anniversary of the Air Guitar World Championships. This year was very exciting with a record number of qualifiers showing up to compete with national champions. Our championship was held in Portland, OR. Thousands witnessed as Russian “Your Daddy” took first prize while our American entry finished third. The winner received a hand-made electric guitar which was probably on Ebay the next day because the winner doesn’t know how to play it! Their mission is to promote world peace. Keep on rocking in the free world! Yup, If I had time I’d be living the dream.
Editor’s Note It’s back to school and that means pencils and notebooks and binders and tape and peechee folders ... oh I love back to school time. It takes me back to my favorite part of school ... all of the supplies! My favorite stocking stuffers one Christmas was a stocking filled with mechanical pencils and pens! Oh, my that was great. Speaking of great - there’s lots to do this month so be sure to check out the calendar and pack your weekends full of fun things to do! Pretty soon the days will be shorter. Remember, it’s Labor Day so pull out the chaise lounge, put up the umbrella and kick back and relax. School and work and all of that will wait! Enjoy!
Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
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September 2015
www.foolishtimes.net They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. “What, did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
High Tea
Please Stop Talking “Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me, what do you think about my Grandson!”
Long-Term Stomach Ache A Doctor was addressing a large
audience in Tampa.. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.
Older is Better Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!” This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”
Oh Heavens! There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic “When I die I’ll get it on my way up.” chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.
A Laugh From Beyond An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,and gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
Travel Tip Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week’s vacation in Majorca. “I wish we’d brought the piano with us,” said Mr. Thorne. “What on earth for?” asked his wife. “I’ve left the tickets on it.”
Eat Your Veggies Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other’s husband was doing. “Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch.” “Oh dear, I’m sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?” “Opened a can of peas instead.”
What would happen if you took the school bus home ? The police would make you bring it back !
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September 2015
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117
CAFÉ
SEAFOOD
Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com
I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy
FAST FOOD
BREAKFAST
If food were fast, we would all be running after it
SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com
First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winner chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
Ginger Thai Kitchen Chef D’Anna packed up her authentic Thai recipesand moved from Marina to Salinas 1104 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.8424
INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
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September 2015
By Sy Rosen
www.foolishtimes.net
M atc h m a k e r
My mom is in a retirement community - about half the residents are “independent” and the other half are “assisted.” My mother is very proud that she’s in independent living and makes sure she mentions it at least twice in every conversation: “I’ll have a bowl of soup and speaking of soup did I mention that I was in independent living.” I didn’t say her transitions were graceful. Being a great liberal (I would have gone to Woodstock if I hadn’t been doing a term paper), I told my mom there wasn’t a big difference between the assisted residents and the independents. Usually, the assisted residents just needed a little more help getting around.
I imagined my mom eating salmon, spinach and an apple while playing pingpong and having an intellectual conversation. Happy in my open-minded position, I went to visit my mom one day and found her eating lunch with Sarah, an assisted living resident. Sarah was cheerful and funny but about the third time she asked, “You’re her son?” I realized she may have a mild form of Alzheimer’s. The thing is, my mom really liked her and it shouldn’t have bothered me, but unfortunately it did. I know Alzheimer’s isn’t catching – I’m not a total idiot (just 95% idiot). However, I
remembered reading an article on how to ward off Alzheimer’s or at least slow it down. I know there have been no definitive studies, but it said to eat fish, leafy vegetables and fruit, exercise and have mental stimulation. It made a lot of sense. I imagined my mom eating salmon, spinach and an apple while playing pingpong and having an intellectual conversation. It was the mental stimulation part I was worried about. I didn’t think my mom would get it from Sarah. And so I went about finding someone that my mother could talk to about important things like politics, literature and whether George Clooney’s marriage will last. I was kind of like an eHarmony anti-Alzheimer’s matchmaker. I was relentless in my search and I finally spotted Irene. Irene is an 84-year-old woman who is bright, personable and watches MSNBC. It was a match made in Chris Mathews heaven. And so every time I visited my mom I went about steering her towards Irene. We would “accidentally” bump into her
and I would suggest that we all have lunch together or maybe just sit down on a couch and talk or maybe the three of us could go for a walk. It was kind of like When Harry and Harry’s Mom Met Sally. This went on for about two weeks and my plan was working - my mom and Irene were becoming good friends. I thought everything was going great until one day my mom excused herself from the dining room table to go to the bathroom. Irene quickly put her hand on mine and said, “We can’t go on meeting like this.” “Huh?” was my eloquent response. “I know you have a little crush on me,” she said, “but you’re not my type.” Before I knew what I was saying I replied, “Why not?” “I know this may sound shallow,” Irene said, “but you’re a little chunky and I like my men lean.” You lecherous devil, I thought to myself. However out loud I said, “Somehow I’ll get over you.” “I know it will be difficult,” she said as she gave my chunky arm a little squeeze.
“But you and my mom can still be good friends,” I said in a slightly pleading tone. “I think we should break it off completely,” Irene replied. “That way you’ll get over me quicker.” At the end of the meal, in a scene reminiscent of Casablanca, Irene walked out of my mom’s and my life. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so obsessed about the whole Alzheimer’s thing, but, of course, I’m worried that my mother will eventually be hit by this terrible disease. And secondly, and I hate to admit this because it sounds so self-centered, but I’m getting up there in years and scared that if it happens to my mom, it will eventually happen to me. The unpredictability and devastation of this disease is terrifying. The fear of Alzheimer’s can drive anybody crazy—and for me, it’s just a short drive. My mom is now back hanging out with Sarah. They really do enjoy each other’s company – they laugh, they joke, they reminisce, and if Sarah occasionally repeats herself – so what? At least Sarah doesn’t think I have a crush on her. And more important, she doesn’t think I’m chunky.
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September 2015
Comments Welcome: lalaugh@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram KNOCK KNOCK Who’s There? Me, Me, Me, Me! Who, Who, Who? When your Ram head wants you to take action, you get immediate traction but you don’t know the tune! Is it a jig, or a swan song? Think of aligning two parts, the vocal cords and dances with tongues. Without a breath all you get is Ha, Ha, Ha! Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull OF Course! Bringing your emotional support animal to the funeral is understandable even when it is as large as Mr. ED. However, trotting it out during the ceremony, or leaving road apples on the grave, either way, you’re gonna hear NEIGH! Accept with grace that finding your place amongst your loved ones is essential too. Or you will burr all alone. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins All joking aside, you will need to consult your other half in order to complete this very important decision. Your quick mind can explain any action, defend any position, justify any course, so what’s the blockage? Stuck in the middle with you?! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Last of your summer whine! Therapy has paid off and you are free to be your contradictory self. Essential to express your sm-essence at all costs. The indirect approach has always been your preference- the stepping side to side is starting to show a choreographical promise.
Clickety Clack, don’t look back, you always get where you intend to go! Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion You get no respect! Those dirty bums asking you why did the chicken cross the road? You answer: So I could eat it! DUH! You are truly at your wits end with these knaves. What is instinctual for you is conceptual for them. The missing piece is in the wings. You know, birds of a feather… Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Laughter is the best medicine! Especially after you realize your mortality and it just so happens to be your birthday. Ta-Dah the truth of today is you are older, but behind the scenes wiser too. Try to be as emotional as Virgoly possible, a deep belly laugh would break up some of that extra avoirdupois in your methodical section. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A funny thing happened on the way to the foursome. Obviously more than you could chew, so you spit it out and took a U-turn across the 6 lanes. We humanoids have fear of scarcity and so we double book our fun, or in this case quadruple overload our burp gun. Your sophisticated scheming has lead you where you find yourself lost. Keep the ticket as a souvenir. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions in all of us and is primitive as a Kumquat and as grand as an island in paradise. Coco-leaves being a natural
anti-biotic, can aid your egoistic bacterial growth to succumb to healing. Chew gradually, last time you got porky and wanted it all for yourself right away. Remember what happened next? Yeah! Ahead of the moment itself, left you with Thanatos! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer You wanna be somebody! How’s about a Comedy of Errors? This could grant you adventurous choices, bouncing from one identity to another. Exhausting perhaps, but how is this any different from what you have experienced so far? (Ask a Gemini.) This way you can be farcical, slap-sticks around, throw puns and word play could be your primary language. The only mistaken identity here is how you consider your feelings to be. “They” are your truest sublime undertaking. (Ask a Pisces.) Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Your resistance is not due to the moon phase, or the planets journey around a certain anal sphere, or the weird neighbors or that special parking spot for your car. It’s about YOU creating blockages on your way to a new state of consciousness! It’s scary to be awake, but after a few trial runs you just can’t get enough of that aliveness. The show WILL GO ON without you, so … on BOARD?
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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Not a running GAG! The suspension of disbelief is healthy and divine. Spurs spontaneity on to dream up a Moonbeam that redeems the trees, to shake dance and create a loam trampoline to bounce you up to caress the sky. This life theme is a wide screen of beauteousness, an infinite experiment, with only a side pocket space for dubiousness. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Absolutely Fabulous! Imagination, compassion, passion and high fashion orbiting all around your Story Telling Expansion Chapter! You said NO to “stuff” that brought you no return enlightenment! On your wave to your most earnest journey. No Disney Land for you PI PI. Behold your audience, they are awaiting your return. You are the best catch of the day!
If sleep is really good for the brain, then why is it not permitted in school?
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On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, George stood on the first tee at Del Monte. He had just pulled out his driver when a woman in a wedding dress came running up to him with tears in her eyes. She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away. George turns to his golfing friend and says calmly, ‘I don’t know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained.
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September 2015
The Next Big Thing By Ted Gargiulo Ever since a now-famous beating on the streets of LA was captured on someone’s camcorder in 1991, live-action video clips have become a regular part of our television diet. Today everyone is a reporter. Today anyone can turn up on the nightly news. In recent years, we’ve been treated to more and more real time coverage of auto accidents, assaults, lootings, altercations, domestic disturbances and random acts of destruction, natural and otherwise. We’re talking, actual, honest-to-gosh, in-your-face footage shot, not by journalists or electronic security systems, but by click-happy busybodies packing smartphones and hidden devices. Before long, there’ll be no need for Hollywood stuntmen to simulate acts of brutality. Instead, audiences can watch the real deal perpetrated by, and upon, real people. There are snoops everywhere. These days, catching victims and perpetrators off-guard has been elevated to a religious experience. No matter who or where you are, you’re under constant surveillance: on the highway, at your workplace, where you bank, where you live and hang out, and everywhere in between. You just never know, y’know? You could be doing something as innocent as taking out the trash, or kissing a girl (or a guy), or scratching yourself at a bus stop, or peeing on the sidewalk (not so innocent), or cutting a deal with drug lords. Any suspicious activity can and will be turned over to the police, the district attorney, your spouse, your employer, AND every major network in the nation—not to
mention the Internet, where your actions will be replayed, analyzed and discussed ad nauseum by tweeters worldwide. Imagine, one day evil could be held in check, not by guntoting vigilantes, but by amateur filmmakers. At first, people’s fear of being spied upon will cause the crime rate to drop slightly. Government and law enforcement agencies will praise these ubiquitous probing eyes (UPEs) for ushering in a new age of peace and civil order. Over time, however, the trend will undergo a sharp reversal, as former law abiding citizens start craving the notoriety of making the news. They may even hire novice filmmakers to stage and/or instigate brawls, catfights, urban mayhem and the like, to cash in on the public’s appetite for shockand-awe realism.
Government and law enforcement agencies will praise these ubiquitous probing eyes (UPEs) for ushering in a new age of peace and civil order.
This practice, I predict, will spawn a whole new generation of prime time reality shows with names like “Bandit Camera,” “Sleep with the Fishes” and “America’s Grisliest Home Videos,” which will offer cash awards for THE most spectacular footage of everyday folks being robbed, assaulted and disposed
of in clever, innovative ways. Ratings will soar. Emboldened by the unprecedented success of this extreme entertainment phenomenon, networks will begin posting bail for anyone arrested as a result of his exposure on national television. In addition, some courts, in recognition of the unique contribution these newsmakers have made to the national morale, will likely release them back into society, so that their roguish on-camera escapades can continue to inspire viewers, bloggers and media junkies everywhere. Heed this warning, I say, while you’re still under the protective shroud of anonymity. Be paranoid. Be very paranoid. Look around you. For at any given moment, somebody may be training a camera on you, monitoring your every move. Watch your step. Mind your manners. Or you—yes, YOU—may be The Next Big Thing to go viral.
What is the difference between a school bus driver and a cold? One knows the roads and one stops the nose !
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There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.
How do bees get to school ? By school buzz ! Answers on page 24
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My Stalker and I
By Rosie Sorenson
I finally have something in common with Julia Roberts, Rene Zellweger and Paula Abdul. I, too, now have a stalker! My stalker is of Asian descent, an uber-stealthy blonde with dark highlights. She’s unafraid, unabashed, unashamed. For those of you who’ve not yet made her acquaintance, you might look at her and think Siamese cat. I look at her and think stalker. From the moment I wake up in the morning ‘til she takes her afternoon nap, Sugar stalks me, follows me, shadows me― whatever you want to call it—she’s after me! It goes like this. First thing after I arise, I say to her, “Hello Sugar Pie.” A high-pitched “mew” ensues which is followed quickly by a blur racing toward the stairs to my writing loft. Now, Mommy? Now? “Not yet, Honey, I’ll be up there soon.” I then make breakfast while she paces the hallway or jumps onto Steve’s desk and stares at me from the other side of the kitchen counter which we have nicknamed “The Khyber Pass.” I don’t know why you’re messing about in the kitchen when you can plainly see that the cat is distressed!! It’s as if her love tank has become depleted overnight, and she’s desperate to top it off again, and I’m the only supplier. Although she likes my husband, Steve, I’m the one whose lap she’s chosen for squatting. When I sit down, especially at my computer, my lap becomes prime real estate. To her, it’s all about location, location, location.
As soon as I put the eggs on to boil, I go upstairs to turn on the computer. My little shadow zips right past me and leaps onto the back of my chair. “No, Honey, not yet,” I say. “I’m just getting the computer started. I’ll be back up in a little bit.” Not content to wait, she accompanies me down the stairs. I’d get a restraining order but we all know how useless those can be.
I’d get a restraining order but we all know how useless those can be.
Finally, when I’ve finished breakfast, I return to my loft to work. But, wait! Sugar now begins her workday by leaping onto the back of my chair and grabbing my ponytail. Like a dog working a chew toy, she bites into it and shakes her head wildly from side to side. Her human is not pleased. “No, no, Honey, that hurts Mommy. Please come and sit on my lap.” After several more tugs on my ponytail, she finally settles down into a contented furry ball that no one can resist. The problem, of course, arises when I need something while The Cat is getting her nap on. “Steve?” I holler. “Yes?” “Could you please bring me some copy paper?” “I take it that your office assistant is sleeping?” “Well, you know, mustn’t upset The Cat.”
September 2015 Steve dutifully brings me whatever it is I need, but knows not to stay long because Sugar gives him the Evil Eye. Don’t even think about getting between me and my Mommy! When I do have to get up, I set her gently onto the floor. She dashes downstairs ahead of me and races toward the bathroom. More lap time, Mommy? Sometimes, I’ll pick up one of her mousies and throw it into the kitchen just to distract her so I can be alone with my business. When I open the bathroom door again, I’m fair game. Finally, when the afternoon sun has moved into the living room, Sugar leaves my lap to go about basking, at which time I can freely move about the cabin, unrestrained by my seatbelt of a cat. “Oh, good,” I sigh as soon as she leaves. I’m easily lulled into a sense of security, though, and occasionally drop my guard as I traipse through the living room on my way to the kitchen to get some tea. You’d think I would know better, but I sometimes make the mistake of casting a glance in Sugar’s direction. Her blue eyes drill into me as she leaps up. “Oh, no, my Stalker’s back! Someone call 911!” Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT is an award-winning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www. theyhadmeatmeow.com Visit www. zazzle.com/theyhadmeatmeow to order original greeting cards, t-shirts, mugs, etc.
Q: What is black; white; green and bumpy? A: A pickle wearing a tuxedo. Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese! Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka! Q: What’s the best thing to put into a pie? A: Your teeth! Q: Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny? A: Then why aren’t you laughing! Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? A: I’m not telling you. You might spread it! Q: Why do the French like to eat snails? A: Because they don’t like fast food! Q: Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? A: To go with the jellyfish! Q: Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke? A: Because it might crack up! Q: What did the baby corn say to it’s mom? A: Where is pop corn? Q: What do you call candy that was stolen? A: Hot chocolate!
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If It’s Smart, By Debbie Harris
It Can’t Be Human
In years gone by, whenever a manufacturer wanted to show that a product was better, had a new formula, or was somehow enhanced, it would be labeled “new and improved.” This made George Carlin ask, “What were we using before, the ‘old and lousy’?” But people don’t use “new and improved” very much anymore. Now the term is “smart.” We don’t have a “new and improved” cell phone, we have a “smart phone” Now we drive a smart car and drink smart water, as if our interactions with these products will improve knowledge and intellect. The main reason something will be labeled “smart” usually involves technology. Technology makes things smart. And when it comes time to improve the “smart” products, I doubt they’ll use “new and improved.” Now we use versions. Is your smart phone a 4.0 or a 5S? Is your version of Windows 07 or 13? The higher the number, the more improved the product. Japan is a technologically enthusiastic country and they’re good at making robotic versions of human functions--maids, waiters, girlfriends for lonely guys. The Japanese recently came up with a robotic playmate for children. Really?? In a country with a population of 127.3 million people, the children can’t find anyone to play with? Apparently the robots are supposed to be better than the human counterpart, at least more predictable. Not too long ago I saw an advertisement for Old Spice in which a young woman fell in
love with a robot-man because he smelled so wonderful wearing that product. Watch out men, your woman may throw you over for a robot with a cologne connection. Last year there was a report that the creator/owner of Sirius Radio created the head of her girlfriend as a robot and programmed it to respond “spontaneously.” Hear that, people? Human spontaneity isn’t good enough. You need to pre-program yourself to be spontaneous if you want to keep your loved one interested. Is that like pulling the string on the doll’s back to see which one of the prerecorded messages will play?
You need to preprogram yourself to be spontaneous if you want to keep your loved one interested. Then there is the self driving car. Now you can send your robot in your self-driving car to run your errands for you. It’s a no fail plan except for . . . the humans. It was recently reported that self-driving cars are getting into a notable number of accidents. Ah-ha! I thought. See technology isn’t so great after all! Then it was revealed that the main problems the self-driving cars encounter on the road are the cars being driven by humans. (The accidents were probably caused by the reactions of humans to seeing
driverless cars!) The eye contact and non verbal messages that are exchanged between drivers are absent when a machine is directing the vehicle. How do you communicate with a driverless car, send it a text message? Call it on your smart phone? Honk out a message in Morse Code? I suppose you can always use technology by posting pictures of the accident damage on Instagram and send it to your insurance agent—probably a computer evaluator. Yes, it seems that humans cause problems for robots. In the Old
Spice ad, the man-robot shorted out when the woman attacked him because he smelled so good. Sheesh! We humans just mess things up all the time. We could have the perfect robotic world if it weren’t for us stupid humans. Pretty soon humans will be irrelevant. All the planet will need is a few technicians to operate and repair the robots and the rest of us will be dismissed. Gotta go. My smart phone is ringing and I’m preprogrammed to answer.
September 2015
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September 2015
By Chuck Shepherd
Man of the People? • Scott Fistler, twice a loser for electoral office in Phoenix, Arizona, as a Republican, decided in November 2013 that his luck might improve as a Democrat with a name change, and legally became “Cesar Chavez,” expecting to poll better in a heavily Hispanic, Democratic congressional district. (“Cesar Chavez” is of course the name of the legendary labor organizer.) Furthermore, according to a June report in the Arizona Capitol Times, “Chavez’s” campaign website features photographs of frenzied supporters holding “Chavez” signs, but which are obviously scenes from the streets of Venezuela at rallies for its late president Hugo Chavez. (At press time for News of the Weird, a judge had removed “Chavez” from the ballot, but only because some qualifying signatures were invalid. “Chavez” promised to appeal.)
Compelling Explanations • U.S. District Judge Richard Kopf of Omaha, Nebraska, trying to be helpful, he said, advised female lawyers appearing in his courtroom to lower their hemlines and cover their cleavage because males, including Judge Kopf himself, are “pigs.” Writing in his personal blog in March, he said, “I have been a dirty old man ever since I was a very young man” and that the women in his office
are similarly contemptuous of daringly dressed female lawyers. The lifetime-tenured judge later said he regretted any harm to the judiciary that his remarks might have caused. • Almond Upton, 60, charged with murder for “intentionally” striking a New York state trooper in May with his pickup truck, denied everything. He told reporters following his first court appearance that he is bewildered by the accusation: “I was (close to) the Connecticut border, and all of a sudden, I’m in Binghamton, New York (about 140 miles from Connecticut), and this cop got killed, I don’t know how it happened. It had to be a time warp.” • The National Security Agency admitted in a June court filing that it had disobeyed two judicial orders to stop deleting accusatory evidence in its databases (which judges had ordered preserved to help determine if the NSA was illegally violating privacy laws). The NSA’s reasoning for its chutzpah: Its data-gathering systems, it claims, are “too complex” to prevent the automatic deletions routinely programmed into its data, and it cannot reprogram to preserve the data without shutting down its entire intelligence-gathering mission. The challenging party (the Electronic Frontier Foundation) called the NSA’s explanation disingenuous and, in fact, further proof that the NSA is incapable of properly managing such massive
data-gathering. • Michael Adrian, 26, was arrested in Lakeville, Minnesota, in June for frightening officials at Lakeville North High School by skateboarding in front of the school, in military dress, face covered by a bandana, with an arrow strapped to his arm, and concealing knives, a boxcutter, a slingshot and pepper spray. Adrian told police he was merely “testing” the school’s security system by “looking like an a**hole.” (A judge ordered a mental evaluation.)
Karma • At an April press conference on a train station platform in Milford, Connecticut, to critique the allegedly shoddy safety record of the Metro-North rail line, U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut set up a chart on an easel to illustrate the problem. Suddenly, a train roared through the station and, according to news reports, “nearly” clipped Sen. Blumenthal, who was standing on the yellow platform line that passengers are admonished to stand behind. • In June, a jury in Fresno, California, decided that Bobby Lee Pearson, 37, was guilty of burglary—but they accidentally signed the “not-guilty” form, instead, and by the time Judge W. Kent Hamlin caught the error, he could not change it (because of “double jeopardy”). Pearson walked out a free man, went to his sister’s home, got into a fight hours later, and was stabbed to death by the sister’s boyfriend.
News That Sounds Like A Joke: • The animosity between Brevard County (Florida) judge John Murphy and public defender Andrew Weinstock festered over the lawyer’s refusal to waive his client’s right to a speedy trial, but
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came to a head on June 2, when the judge told Weinstock, “Stop pissing me off. Just sit down.” Weinstock persisted: “I have a right to stand and represent my client.” The judge responded: “If you want to fight, let’s go out back, and I’ll just beat your a**.” And to a back hallway they went, with the lawyer allegedly just intending to talk out their differences. However, according to Weinstock’s supervisor, Judge Murphy immediately grabbed Weinstock and began punching him. Weinstock was not seriously hurt, but vowed to report the incident to the Florida Bar. • Robert Wallace, 32, a Houston software developer, filed a lawsuit in May to get back some items after a failed romance. According to Wallace, he had loaned a laptop computer, $2,000 cash and his Harry Potter DVDs to his sweetheart, Ms. Nomi Mims, a local stripper. Wallace said the loans were made only because he thought she was in love with him and that they were “building a future together,” but now realizes he was wrong. Mims calls the items “gifts” and noted, “I’ve given him gifts, too. You know, how do I get my booty back?”
Things America Somehow Still Can’t Figure Out (Even Though We’re Smart Enough to Send a Robot to Mars) • Authorities somehow could not prevent an inmate serving life at a North Carolina prison from arranging, via a contraband cellphone, to have the 63-year-old father of his prosecutor kidnapped and tortured. (The FBI managed to rescue the man five days after his abduction.) Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
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September 2015
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
The side notes of my life. Things I think about in the shower. *I used to be Mexican; I grew out of it, now I have White people problems. Before you judge me I would like to inform you that I remain Mexican at heart. I am proud of our culture, I love our food and I refuse to go to any Mexican food fast food chain. I like my Mexican food to come from places that end in erto ‘s (Alberto’s, Humberto’s, Roberto’s Adalberto’s you catch my drift) and the occasional Sombreros and Gordos. *The other day, a White lady told me I don’t sound Mexican. I know she wouldn’t have said that to a Black person. They don’t sound Mexican. * My friend was teaching my 5 year-old to say ‘Merica! My daughter said America, he said no is ‘Merica, my daughter told him he was saying it wrong. Faith in future generations: restored! * Sometimes I like to beat my daughter. When we play board games or video games, tic-tac-toe
even. It builds character. Not all kids are winners and not all adults are winners. Yes, she threw a tantrum a few times, but she will not grow up to be that a-hole boss. She will not hear the words “clear your desk, you suck” when she gets a job. *You know those self-entitled jerks you hate at Starbucks? Don’t let your kids grow up to be that guy. You want to save the planet? Leave nicer humans behind, they will do the right thing. * They sell Dead Sea minerals mask for the living. * Donald Trump is running for President, I don’t think America is ready for an orange President. * There has been in high influx of Latinos in the Army, probably all that great marketing of Army of Juan! * I don’t like to eat oysters, something about making out with food that is unsettling to me. * I might be a lightweight, but I am not a cheap date. I drink top shelf. * I refuse to be another statistic! So, I dropped my math class.
STARGAZING TIPS ON THE CENTRAL COAST
Galileo was an astronomer and they threw him in jail; so use caution while gazing Stars are very hot and will burn for millions of years; if left unattended Name your baby after a constellation; no one has thought of that before
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Do not gaze directly at hot stars; like Taylor Swift There is a star that is easy to see; although you will have to wait until daytime to see it
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September 2015
By Lily Brun
A Rose By Any Other Name I was in Portland, Oregon last month and spent some time wandering around the City of Roses, the town’s official nickname. My meanderings took me up the Portland Rose Garden path. It was spectacular and so different from what’s happening here in droughtstricken California. I haven’t seen that much greenery since my very distant memory of the last El Nino which dumped close to 50 inches of water on this state. The Rose Garden is not just any rose garden - it’s a full-on, multi-variety, blooming rose extravaganza. It is World of Roses, Rose Depot and Rose-a-Rama all corralled into one beautiful, colorful, fragrant four-and-a-half acre flower bed. I’m not really a rose person, the bright yellow, happy faces of sunflowers are more my speed. They have seeds, not thorns. I like that. But I have to say, all those roses were quite a sight. And it
got me to thinking about how it is that everything’s coming up roses in city that grew out of being the final destination at the end of the Oregon Trail. Gardeners. And the need to, well, garden. We’re an optimistic bunch who believe that cheery flowers make the world a better place. We plant trees that many times won’t mature in our lifetimes. We quite often produce more homegrown vegetables than we can eat. You might say we gardeners have a tendency to see the world through rose colored glasses wanting everyone to share in our green-thumb optimism. The first roses in Portland were planted by a man, Leo Samuel, who embodied that positive spirit. He left a pair of shears by his garden so passersby could snip a few roses to take for themselves. Everyone came out smelling like a rose in this scenario. And out of this one man’s sweet-smelling vision, Portland’s bed of roses was born. Shakespeare wrote, “Of all things, methinks a rose is best.”
I buy pencils with an eraser at both ends. That’s so I can make sure I don’t make the same mistake twice.
Well, so do Portlandians. The International Rose Test Garden, aka Portland Rose Garden, has more than 7,000 rose plants representing about 550 varieties. That’s a lot of thorns! But as Shakespeare also said, “Love thou the rose, yet leave it on the stem,” and you won’t get pricked I say, not to try and improve on Shakespeare or anything … just saying. So, standing in the heart of the Rose Garden is like being enveloped in giant bouquet of color and scent and breathtaking beauty. I had my shears with me. What gardener worth her weight in compost doesn’t have shears
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on hand at all times? And for a brief moment I thought about reenacting a moment out of Mr. Samuel’s garden, but Shakespeare reared his poetic head, “…that thereby beauty’s rose might never die.” Hmmmm … a barb from the Bard stopped me in mid-clip. The tea rose I had my eye on would live to bloom another day.
If a picture is worth a thousands words, then why shouldn’t we judge a book by its cover?
Labor Day … a Day Off! Answers on pg 24
Job Chore Effort Endeavor Exertion Grind Operation Activity Employment Sweat Toll Travail Gruntwork Struggle Exercise Drudgery Task Performance Industry Attempt
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September 2015
by Rex Keyes
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Marriage
Back to School on New Tires
and Cars
Being married is very similar to owning a car. In marriage, one loves their spouse but one can also love their car. To prove this theory one only has to look at the tens of thousands of people who come to Monterey during “Car Week” to proudly show off their car or to purchase a special car at one of the auctions. The difference between owning a car and being married is that one is only allowed one spouse but can have many cars. We lavish gifts on our spouses like jewelry and our automobiles by buying special items like fancy rims, high end stereos, leather seats, upgraded trim packages and fancy navigation equipment. People come to the car shows to show off their cars as they believe their autos are worthy of their good looks and performance, whether it is a Ford, a Chevy, a Porsche, a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or an Alpha Romeo. Getting married to a car is when one buys one and getting a divorce is when one sells it. Of course, just as in a regular divorce, it can be traumatic and there may be regrets after the fact. Questions come to mind like, “Why did I ever sell that car?” But one has to move forward, look to the future and find another car of equitable or better value. Maybe this analogy is going too far but don’t we wash, wax and polish our cars? Aren’t there a lot of car washes in town? Isn’t there a big market for car covers, tire shine and seat covers? I mean there is a huge industry out there that survives on people just coddling their beloved cars
just like their spouses. In our cars, we hang decorations over the rear view mirror and we place statues on the dashboard. We even add fragrance to our mode of transportation like those hanging pine trees that come in lemon, strawberry, cherry or apple. They have been around at least for 50 years.
Of course, just as in a regular divorce, it can be traumatic and there may be regrets after the fact. Unlike marriage though, one does not necessarily want to turn in that ole’ 56 Corvette, or that 61 Jaguar XKE convertible or the 67 Plymouth Sports Fury for a much newer or younger car. Car lovers appreciate much more the older models. They have more of a classic style and an ambiance that is difficult to find in newer cars. And of course these cars are kept in a nice garage, protected from the weather and are greatly appreciated. So if you wish to be in Nirvana take your spouse out with that special car of yours. Only try to be interested in your spouse’s conversation. Don’t be distracted by the deep throaty sounds of the exhaust pipes or how great the car corners or how smoothly all six gears shift. The car is trying to lure you away from your spouse. Remember at least nod your head and say, “Yes honey, that is very interesting.”
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After working with inmates at Soledad, I want to share one of many an experiences: An inmate came to me and said, “You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!” I informed him that I am, bit by bit.
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Motor Mania …
A “Tale” of Road Rage
“Motor Mania” represents Walt Disney’s exploration of the dark side of human nature. “Motor Mania” represents Walt Disney’s exploration of the dark side of human nature. In the leading role was a young, brooding and ruggedly handsome actor known simply as “Goofy.” Well-known for his comedic, his dramatic work was largely unappreciated. But some film critics credit him with filling the void in the evolution of the “Great American Actor” after the tragic loss of James Dean in an automobile crash (near the Monterey Peninsula circa 1955 in his Porsche 550 Spyder.)
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My man knows it really is about me We shop together to enhance our relationship Largest Selection of
By Richard Matranga Perhaps the best of the films in the growing archives of the Disney Studios is an animated gem titled, “Motor Mania,” produced in 1950. Had the film received half the hype as “On the Waterfront,” it would have assuredly attained “cult” status. By the middle of the 20th Century, Americans were obsessed with the automobile. We had learned just how versatile it could be. It served as a training ground for teens with amorous intentions. The trunk often served as a portable office or could be used for short term storage of bodies. Over the years the “list” has expanded, only limited by the imagination of the innovative humans.
September 2015
In a radio interview early in his career, Goofy credits the 1936 film “Reefer Madness” as a major influence in his development as a dramatic actor. In a 1971 television interview with Dick Cavett, he refused to take credit for his influence on a young and talented Steven Spielberg who fired up the engines again for a new generation of road rage films with his film titled “Duel.” In “Motor Mania,” Goofy portrays the mild mannered Mr. Walker, that is until he slides into the driver’s seat of an automobile and transforms into Mr Wheeler, a crazed maniacal being addicted to the rage he feels with the slightest provocation while negotiating the asphalt jungle we call a freeway. Recently, I watched the film again. It jarred loose a hot, smoggy summer day in LA, August ’74 from the memory bank. I was pulling up to the red light at a busy intersection whens some guy in a Porsche Carrera cut in front of me, damn near clipping my front bumper. Without thinking, I flipped him off. In a “flash” he was leaping from his vehicle. He was headed in my direction, no doubt on doing as much damage as he could before the light changed. I was about to get out of my vehicle and teach one of us a lesson, then something snapped. Who knows? It could have been the influence of “Motor Mania” or maybe it was more basic like the desire to reach my 25th birthday. I slammed my foot down on the accelerator of my almost new Dodge Colt Wagon with simulated
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A woman owned and operated business www.fremontadultstore.com wood siding. I could fee the “torque” generated by the 1.6 liter power plant simultaneously with the adrenalin rush that surged throughout my body from damn near peeling out. I left my adversary looking like an idiot standing in the middle of a busy intersection. Lucky for me, the light had turned green. These days, I get my road rage “fix” vicariously. Parkinson’s has provided an unexpected gift to
other drivers. I can generally be seen in the passenger seat of my mate’s vehicle with my right hand on the door handle, sporting a bullet proof vest. I pity the fool who cuts her off. Richard, a native Californian, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at which time he began writing his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life … with a humorous “bite.” Check out his blog, dickiedidit. wordpress.com.
I love school supplies. If only there were some other place we could use them besides school.
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September 2015
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The Riotous
RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich
Ode to Country Music Your love turned me on and with a flip it was gone. Our love as they say is only a light switch away. Like a hound dog with mange at the Friday Night Grange I’m treated like a tick squished with a varmint stick. I love you with all my heart, even my spare car parts, the Chevy on rusted blocks and the moonshine in Daddy’s crocks. Come with me to the dance. This time I’ll wear clean pants. We don’t need a pub. They’ll have bands and beer and grub. True love will be here to stay at the dance on Labor Day. So honey don’t turn me down, or my love for you will drown, You don’t need to be rich to flip on love’s switch. Our love as they say is just a light switch away. Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www. OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.
The first day of school is always special to me. It’s the only day of the year when I’m not behind in my homework.
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Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
Know Your Pupils
A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise. He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he says, “Are there any questions?” One girl stands up timidly. “Please sir,” she asks, “may we have our teacher back?”
Foolish Search
Answers from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905
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CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction
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I can fix, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!
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10th Street Ceramics
Enjoy a summer project for you and your kids. Ready to paint projects. All Ages. 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com
PLUMBING
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A and R Plumbing
Come As You Are Christian Store
Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs. 831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628
AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium
Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff. 831.372.3474
theultimateaquarium.net
Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith. Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
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September 2015
25
Snowstorm Nonsense
Knitting Nonsense A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs. “No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”
Highway Nonsense A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on. The blonde replies “Yes...No... Yes...No...Yes...No”
Alligator Nonsense A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
turns to the blonde and says, “Oh my! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about fortyfive minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the WalMart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?”
Swimming Nonsense
Pet Nonsense
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. Concerned, she tells the vet “I think it’s got epilepsy”. The vet takes a good look and says, “Your goldfish seems calm enough to me.” The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of its bowl yet.”
Elevator Nonsense There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette
Sometimes I can’t figure out if I’m in preschool or high school. Oh wait... I’m at work.
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September 2015
A few words from our sensible side:
www.foolishtimes.net
September 5
Greek Fest
September brings many events to our area. It also means school is back in session. Slow down while driving. We live in a beautiful area and there is no need to speed. If you’re late, driving crazy will not help. Have your boss call us and we will explain that you were driving responsibly and deserve a raise and a promotion. Stop signs are not suggestions.
It’s all Greek to me! Custom House Plaza is alive with dance, food and exhibits. www.mbgreekfestival.com
Every Friday & Saturday in September
Meet Author Shelly King
Planet Gemini
Featuring the best in local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com
September 2-7
Monterey County Fair
September 9
Teddy Bear Day
The most lovable, cuddly, make you feel safe companion you ever had.
September 10 The debut novel, Moment of Everything, is a social satire that takes place in a used book store in Silicon Valley after an “involuntary separation from payroll.” www.pglibraryfriends.org
September 11
Farm Fresh Fun Doesn’t have to be in that order. Exhibits, livestock, rides, music and food you doctor warned you not to eat. montereycountyfair.com
14 years ago, events of this day touched and changed the lives of each and every American. www.911day.org
September 4
September 12-13
First Friday Art Walk
911
Art in the Garden
Walk the historic streets of Oldtown. Local businesses host artist receptions, interactive exhibit and music. www.artistasunidos.org
tour ten historic gardens in old Monterey and watch local plein air artist paint all the beautiful around them. Maps and info: oldmontereyfoundation.org
September 4-6
September 18
Yetti Fest
The Bull and Bear get in on the event action. A music festival “for the people by the people” Fashion show, live painting and more. www.yettifestmonterey.com
Lisa Lampanelli
Comedy’s lovable Queen of Mean performs at Golden State Theater slimmer and trimmer with her signature brand of comedy. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
September 18
September 26
Comic Con
Monterey Dodge Ball Tournament
Steinbeck Center hosts a Celebration of Pop Cinema showcasing some of the most popular movies and TV shows of this generation. Join with staff from current comics artists in Artist Alley. www.steinbeck.org
Thanks to the movie, this kid’s playground game is popular with adults. Getting hit in the head by a ball hurts more as we get older. Come play or watch. www.montereydodgeball. com
September 18
September 26-27
BINGO at the Moose
The greatest game ever! Teddy Bears with Heart fundraiser. Prizes and lots of fun. teddybearswithheart.org
September 19
Scavenger Hunt Fundraiser
Find clues throughout the PG business community. Prizes and food tasting. Maps available at Second Chance Thrift Store. www.secondchancepg.com
September 19
Step-family Day
The Brady Bunch was way ahead of their time. www.celebratelove.com
September 20
Free Health Fair
Learn more about diabetes, stroke and depression. Services for massage, dental and vision. monterey.adventistfaith.org
September 22
Business Women’s Day The work environment changed and evolved after WW2 for the better. You go girl!
CA International Airshow
In the air see The Patriots Jet Team, F-22 Raptor Team, Canadian Forces CF-18, and more. On the ground view military and civilian aircrafts and watch Metal Milisha. salinasairshow.com
September 26-27
Carmel Valley Gem Show Exhibits of gems, fossils and minerals. Jewelry and demonstrations. www.cvgms.com
September 28
Ask a Stupid Question day
Alright smarty pants; here is your chance to speak up. “Stupid is what stupid does”- Forrest Gump
www.foolishtimes.net
September 2015
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