March 2015 by Foolishtimes

March 2015

He doesn’t look like his profile picture...

The Chucklehead Speaks On Online Dating » Pg 3 Monthly Event calendar » Pg 26

March 2015

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March 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool............................Jordon H. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde Cover Art by Chris “Monster” Myers

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Russell Swartz, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks I do not understand the need for online dating. There are plenty of people we meet and come in contact with each day who can be a potential partner. Monterey County is a small space which puts us in close proximity and presumably, easier to meet. For one reason or another, this is not the case. I have friends who online date and live to tell great funny stories. All are of the mind set of meeting a partner and yet coming up empty. The most reoccurring story is the profile picture is outdated. People are “matched’ by what they write and attracted by the picture. That’s a highly unscientific way to match two people. Try a psychic; it may be more accurate and cheaper! There seems to be a lot of, “my friends say I’m fun to be with … and I have a dog.” That’s why they’re your friends and not very original. Let’s hear what your ex has to say about you. That’s the good stuff! The other big complaint is she (sorry ladies) only wanted free drinks and a meal. These serial daters know a good thing. It’s expensive to live here so when she orders top shelf drinks and market price for her meal it’s because the words “Meal Ticket” are tattooed on your forehead. We are inviting you to share your online dating experience with us. Be it funny, sad, wonderful or the TRO at the end of the night. It’s up to you if you want your name printed with your story. We’ll publish the best in the April edition which incidentally is National Humor Month.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Editor’s Note What a difference a month makes! Everything is new. New ads, new columns, new jokes … just like magic. Actually, no magic is used in the production of this paper, just plain old hard work and dedication by our intrepid contributors and staff. Intrepid they are, seeking out the most current and topical and humorous subjects to write about to keep you, our readers, laughing. Let us know if it’s working. Because if you’re not laughing at us or with us or because of us, then we’re not doing a very good job of being foolish. This issue is full of pet peeves, left-handed backhandedness, our newest addition – advice for the fool in all of us, and a slice of local color, Marriage at the Market. Along with all this great humor are some cool advertisers – a bunch of our favorite people. Take a peek inside. We’ll … oops, I mean, you’ll be glad you did!

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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March 2015

www.foolishtimes.net You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; You grow old because you stop laughing.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim said, “I feel just like a newborn baby.’’ “Really!? Like a newborn baby?’ “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

I’ve sure gotten old!

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty,” he replied. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief..”

Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my granddaughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied. At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.” I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.” We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh...I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.” “Exactly,” I replied.

Little Lady A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

Old Friends Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared

all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

License to Drive A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don’t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive after dark!”

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

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March 2015

it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

CAFÉ

SEAFOOD

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

FAST FOOD

BREAKFAST

If food were fast, we would all be running after it

First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey! All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread. 170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting. Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

March 2015

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Celebrate Salinas @

1st Annual

Corporate Cackles A successful executive is one who delegates all responsibility, shifts all the blame, and appro-priates all the credit. “My boy,” said the president of a large California recording company, “there are two things that are vitally necessary if you are to succeed in business. “What are they, Dad?: “Honesty and sagacity,” said the exec. “What is honesty?” “Always - no matter what happens or how adversely it may effet you - always keep your word once you have given it.” “And sagacity?” “Never give your word.” A group of business executives, after deploring the youth of today, turned to sharing stories of their own struggles. After several of the men and given harrowing accounts of their early days in business, Marlowe, who was younger than the others, said: “I had a pretty rough time of it for a while. But when I saw what the score was going to be, I simply worked harder and longer - and got another hundred thousand bucks from my old man.” Howlett was telling Bauer, his jogging buddy, that he was starting a business in partnership with another fellow. “How much capital are you putting in it?”

“None. The other guy is putting up the capital, and I’m putting in the experience.” “So, it’s a fifty-fifty agreement,” said the friend. “Yes, that’s the way we’re starting out,” replied Howlett. “But, you see, I figure in about five years I’ll have the capital and he’ll have the experience.” “Do you believe in luck in business? “Why, of course. How else do you explain the success of those you don’t like.” Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, Treasury of Laughter.

Day Re - d

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edi Sa cation Trai linas n @11 Station :30a m

Saturday

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at the Historic Train Station 11 Station Place, Salinas Information www.SalinasRailroadMuseum.org or 831.758.0725

Sponsored by: Historical Resorces Board, Native Sons of the Golden West, City of Salinas, 1st Mayor’s House, Salinas Railroad Museum, & Amtrak

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March 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram It used to be enticing to follow you, but can’t get past that smell of rotten eggs … not quite the new growth you envisioned. It’s that ol’ demon of guilt butting his hungry head against yours. Putting on the Ritz & doing the Boogie Woogie gambol will temporarily distract you, and possibly re-attract your followers. But first toss the eggs out! (The pink ones too). Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your grunting tantrum won’t even begin to loosen the fence post you have fastened yourself to. What’s eating you is that you have demanded SECURITY and now it’s giving you the blues. If you want to make it to the One O’Clock Jump forget being the Goody Goody. Get a wiggle on! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You’re all wet about migrating towards commercial! This could wipe out your greatest need for freedom and change. It would mean more mazuma, but no more carte blanche in the Alder tree, fluttering above the catkins, with dubious explorations. What a bore, if this was no more. Don’t sell out! Stay True, so you’ll never be Blue. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Looks like a ballroom, smells like a hospital, sounds like a river of Prada, prodding your wallet. AH ~ The Mall, a long haul when it’s your main avenue of

distillation. It’s a shoe without a soul wishing it was in a Jazz Night Club. You might be Feelin’ Good temporarily … best to venture out into the real world of possibility with your crabby agility. Keep on tapping towards a new dawn’s fertility. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion The Roaring Funnies! You can be a cartoon that zaps the depression out of a flat tire as fast as a crown fire. But when hampered by petty rules you are a white squire and resilient as the Ash tree. Never let any Moochers preach their jive versions over thee! Hidee Hidee Ho, Cat! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that ding! You must do everything so superbly, otherwise you think you’re failing. Beating yourself until you are Black & Blue is a pain in your head. Let this Spring not feel as heavy as lead. Use your magic technique to defeat this illusion of being incomplete. Begin the Beguine! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Don’t falter at the altar … remember you built it! Your main interest in a relationship is in yourself, this scale is missing some necessary chord changes and alternating notes may prove harmonic. Use the charms about you to keep climbing the diminished keys and you’ll have that cheek to cheek you invariably seek.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion So What? A rhapsody for your failed romance?! There is nothing pastel about you. Vividly you sputter oh, come-what-may, but you know your sexual desire can turn into a flaming satire. You insist it’s not dire - Liar. It’s a Fever you’ll have to bear. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Unlike you to be grummy! Where is that singing fool with the beer garden smile? This A Train will take you all the way there and that’s what frightens you. Keep eyeing the exit door and you will tie the knot that binds. This Choo Choo whistle may not be for the birds after all, sugar. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Slipping through the crevices is one thing, looking between the cracks is another. If you are straddling a black hole, your possibilities are endless. If You are not cozy with ambiguity, pull it apart! Remember the gym floor

By Bini in It’s a Wonderful Life?! Do the Charleston, Charlie! Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Everything’s Jake … when you’re feeling liberal from your toes to your nape! But what’s at stake? Where is the risk? Rejecting transformity in your clamorous resistance to conformity, could cause a slipped disk. You can be a champion of a fixed opinion, but does this let you see how a paper moon can swoon in a honky tonk parade? Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Hot Dawg! You are so keen because it doesn’t matter where you are, (even if you are cemented to a deep sea cave) you can wish upon a star and it will come true. Shake free of any Happy Birthday Heebie-Jeebies, and dive live onto the stage of your life PI. It’s happening my dear. You are going to be coming into some BIG KALE this year. Hell! It’s about time. This ain’t no jive line…

May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

March 2015

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey, girls,” says the brunette one day, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.” So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar and the blonde goes home to find her husband with the female boss. In the morning, the brunette says: “That was fun, we should do it again sometime.” “No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

Marriage at the Market I’ll take some peaches, olive oil and that bride over there! Considered the first of its kind in Monterey County, although not new to the rest of the world, Wanda Proost and Stephen Braveman are getting married at the Tuesday Old Monterey Farmer’s Market on Alvarado Street on March 24. This marks the one year anniversary of their meeting for the first time at Braveman’s Farmer’s Market Booth. Although the wedding will not have the stamp of “Certified Organic,” most everything used in the wedding will be coming from the market vendors and Alvarado Street merchants. The bride and groom will walk through the market, accompanied by a violinist, picking and sampling their way to the 400 block where the ceremony with be officiated by Rabbi Eli Cohen of the Jewish Renewal Community of Santa Cruz County. The bride has never been to a Jewish wedding, so why not be in one! Why the Farmer’s Market? “We know tons of people in this town who we love and want to share our special day with them,” said Braveman. “The wedding is very public, the reception is very private.” Wanda added, “At the end of our ceremony, after Stephen breaks the glass, we will dance to the Havah Nagilah in the street and want everyone to join us!” You’re on your own for Hora lessons. “Recent city law says we can’t sit or lie down on the street, but there is nothing about breaking glass.” added Braveman. After all, the glass will be wrapped in a traditional cloth napkin. A good

“bang” is important when the glass is broken. Cost Plus would not allow them to sample breaking different quality glasses in the store. “We chose the cheapest glass, assuming it would be the easiest to break,” Braveman said laughing. Wanda was asked if she was going to be changing her name to Braveman or Brave Woman. She laughed and answered, “I’ll be a Brave Woman.” Stephen said, “Even though PC is a brave person!” After all, marriage is not for the faint of heart! Matching outfits with black, black, and more black and some white are the hues of the day. Their dogs, Harley Krishna and Parker, are going to be the best men and ring bearers, looking dapper in their tuxedoes. At Braveman’s Farmer’s Market Booth, “older couples” share their advice on a long term happy marriage. The most frequent response is, “after all these years, he still treats me like we’re dating.” Younger couples recommended “to stay away from sharp objects.” Talk about a generation gap! Wanda added, “There is so much in the news about marriages not lasting these days. I think people give up on love sometimes. Stephen and I are saying, “Don’t give up on love.” Braveman says, ”I will date her for the rest of my life!”

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March 2015

FOOL CURB on the

We asked in and around Cafe Trieste:

1: How fast does do you need to cook it in order for it be considered fast food? 2: If you save time, when do you get it back? Manal G. 1: 5 minutes 2: If memories could be timed, I would hope they’d never have an expiration date, and if they did, I’d hope it’d not be for a thousand years.

Mike S. 1: Too fast for you to catch...20 mph? 2: I’m pretty sure you just cash in at the end of the day.

Andre X. 1: It depends on the restaurant and whether or not you’re going for quality or quantity, or .01 milliseconds if it’s really fast food. 2: Never. Lost cause.

Cody A. 1: 5 minutes? 2: In the present.

Gary J. 1: I don’t cook it, that’s why I go there. 2: You can’t get it back, it flows, you can never get it back.

March 2015

by Rex Keyes

Kumbaya

On Valentine’s Day, it seemed like everybody was out and about. One sight rarely seen is convertibles with their tops down, but on Valentine’s Day romance was in the air and in our half hour drive to Carmel Beach and back we counted 27 convertibles with their tops down. Of course, the temperature was in the mid 70s. It was summer in the dead of winter. When we got to Carmel Beach every parking spot was taken. We had to slowly cruise around for a while ’til we saw someone start to pull out of their space and then hold up traffic until we could pull in. The white sandy beach was packed with people, many of them getting a tan, some in the surf, others walking their dog and

couples holding hands walking along the beach.

It was summer in the dead of winter. On the way home we decided to stop at Del Monte Mall and get some ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, figuring that since everyone was at the beach the mall should be fairly empty. The parking lot was a sea of cars, every space being taken. Luckily we found one open spot. Then at the ice cream store the waiting line never dropped below four people and all the outside tables and benches were taken except for

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

one. Many restaurants had quite a few people in them and this was at two o’clock in the afternoon. Finally around 3 pm we jumped on Highway One and headed home and noticed that traffic southbound going up the hill to Carmel was very slow. It must have been those thousands of people trying to get early seating for dinner in Carmel or Carmel Valley. So the Transportation Agency of Monterey County and another California government agency says we can solve the traffic problem going into Carmel by installing roundabouts. I was in England in 1970 and roundabouts were everywhere and we are just getting into roundabouts in 2015, 45 years later. We are way behind the times!! Well, the best solution is not government agencies’ advice but advice from amusement park executives. Yes, executives from amusement parks such as Disneyland, Great America and Coney Island could solve the Carmel tourist problem easily. First, there would be a four-lane highway to the mouth of the valley with parking spaces for a 1,000 cars. Then people could take an overhead tram down Ocean Avenue to downtown Carmel and the beach. Of course, if you were a local you would be allowed to drive and park in downtown Carmel and the beach,

www.foolishtimes.net but tourists would have to take the tram. Carmel is basically a miniDisneyland, a tourist attraction. To satisfy environmentalists, the tram would be solar powered during the daytime. The 1,000 parking spaces would have manmade, above ground nesting sites for falcons, owls and eagles. And around the perimeter of the parking area we could plant milkweed for the Monarch Butterfly. And as a newt lover, I would check every square foot of the proposed parking area to make sure we can transplant any newts to a new environmentally friendly area. We can unite the environmentalists, politicians and the business community. We can even get together and hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” on Carmel Beach around one of the new fire pits the city is installing. Carmel City Council here we come!! Happy St. Patrick’s Day and Happy Birthday, Pisces and Aries!!

An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet,” I think my goldfish has epilepsy.” The vet looks at the goldfish and says, “He seems perfectly fine to me.” “Oh no,” says the Irishman, “You haven’t taken him out of the bowl yet.” Answers on page 24

March 2015

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Importance of being

From the famous Curly Willow Speakeasy, perched on Horatio’s finger, Telulah Bird speaks on the Importance of Being Foolish. “The so-called noble experiment was more like a parental irritancy. I foolishly took wing trying to escape this blind tiger and smacked into the skylight which ricocheted me to that gritty turn of the century wall! My concussion, sublime, days and nights of lively conversation, neighborly banter, and the best Jazz harmonies all dancing in my head. I’d be a fool to leave.” To be continued...

FOOLISH

Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about you. And Tacos. But mostly you.

Once More Around the Writer’s Block By Ted Gargiulo My literary career, thus far, has been like a cross-country journey that stalled in a garage in Canarsie, NY, someplace that wasn’t even in my itinerary. Here I am, dreaming of the Great Lakes, the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, the Sierras, and it’s all I can do to back my car into the street and find the interstate. That pretty much describes this author’s dilemma: all undressed and somewhere to go—stripped of everything but my love of words, and the people who enjoy reading them. Creative writing: a rather unfortunate choice of flings for this now-retired postal worker. Couldn’t just settle for beer and football, could I? A night out with the boys? A weekend in Reno? No, I had to be a writer! Seems that I have always gravitated toward the types of undemanding, mind numbing vocations that required no skills or preparation; labored long and hard (and, I’m afraid, too successfully) at stopping up the dam between my ears. Yet, I have strained at those same valves during my off-hours, hoping to squeeze out enough fluid to fill a bucket, then another, until my

tepid wading pool of achievement reaches the ocean. Such has been the paradox of this conflicted journey I’ve felt compelled to take. Roughly half my adult life spent arming my enemies in the workplace; the other half, trying to vanquish them on the written page.

Because a passion for words isn’t something one chooses or tries on for size, like a pair of pants. Why does a rut-addicted individual like me take upon himself the perilous and totally uncertain task of creating something out of nothing, when my prime motivation has been the pursuit of easy, mundane assignments and immediate payoffs? Because a passion for words isn’t something one chooses or tries on for size, like a pair of pants. The passion chooses him, and he dons it regardless of the fit. He doesn’t go around asking people, “Does this passion make me look fat?” Either he tailors it

to suit his lifestyle, or he tailors his life to accommodate the obsession. If he’s as rebellious and irrational as I am, he bucks the rules and plays it both ways. All you kind readers who’ve waded through my depraved ramblings over the years, I salute you for your bravery and long-suffering in allowing this confessed screwball into your minds. That said, I’m pleased to announce that my upcoming essay collection, The Air, The Frogs and Other Things, debuts this month on Amazon. (You’re not pleased??? Pity!) It represents my latest foray into the literary marketplace, a last hurrah and testimony before I fade back into blue-collar anonymity. Many of the pieces originally appeared

here in Foolish Times, and in the Monterey Herald. Others are trying their legs for the first time outside my hard drive. As the book’s title suggests, they cover a vast spectrum of topics, moods and climates: reverent, comic, indignant, romantic, absurd, cathartic—in short, everything you didn’t want to know about me, and wish you hadn’t asked. However, if you can bear to see the naked Ted (figuratively speaking) do what he does best, then I welcome you on board with open pages. Maybe together we can steer this career vehicle out of the ditch and set it back on the freeway where it belongs. Enjoy the ride! We’re not in Canarsie anymore!

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

March 2015

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By Chuck Shepherd

Noise Is Golden • The Formula One circuit is generally thought to attract fans as a showcase of motorcar technology and racing skill, but organizers of the Australian Grand Prix (the first of the 19 races on the annual circuit) threatened a lawsuit in March against Formula One management because the races should also be showcases of noise. Formula One has softened cars’ power this year in order to make breakthrough achievements in fuel efficiency, but that also tamped down Formula One’s “trademark earshattering roar,” according to a Business Insider report. Fans are less likely to buy tickets, the organizers fear, if they lose the deafening, 100-decibel vroom that is a “visceral element of the fan experience.”

The Championship Brackets • Amelia Boomker, 36, of Bolingbrook, Ill., celebrated her acceptance into the Guinness Book of World Records in March, recognized for donating more than 127 gallons of her own breast milk to critically needy babies in the Midwest. The donations came on top of supplying breast milk for her own four sons, three of whom were born during the 2008-2013 period in which she pumped out her excess for the Indiana Mothers’ Milk Bank. • Most Commandments Violated:

James Chatten, 46, pleaded guilty in January to several Commandment violations stemming from a July incident at the Christian Horizons church in Peterborough, Ontario. Chatten brought a prostitute inside the church, for sex, after hours, and stole money to pay her from a church drawer, then lied to police about being forced to raid the drawer. • Prodigious Criminality: (1) John Bidmead, 65, was convicted in November at Britain’s Exeter Crown Court of possession of child pornography images that totaled, according to police count, 600,000 files—a low number because detectives said they got tired of counting and that the final number was easily over a million. The prosecutor called it “certainly the largest find in this part of the world.” (2) Jason Bourcier, 33, reached a deal with the Virginia Department of Transportation in November to eventually pay down the $200,000 in highway tolls he had ignored for more than three years. He told a judge that, originally, a friend had told him that traveling the Dulles Toll Road to Washington, D.C., was free if the toll collectors had gone home for the evening (not true). (Bourcier told the judge he is now working as a “financial consultant”—surely after rehabilitating his attention to detail.)

Fine Points of the Law

In some cultures, and now in Florida, apparently, the act of urination carries no special modesty protection. A judge ruled in March that video of Justin Bieber expelling for a urine test following his January drag-racing arrest in Miami Beach was a “public record” and had to be released to the press under Florida law. (A perhaps overly generous black box was edited into the video to make it somewhat less explicit.) In the video, only one officer is present, observing, based on protocol that respects the suspect’s “privacy”— though the Florida judge in essence invited the entire world to watch Bieber urinate, as the video quickly made the Internet.

Oops! • Kentucky state Rep. Leslie Combs, unloading her .380 semiautomatic handgun in her Capitol office in Frankfort in January, accidentally fired a shot into her furniture. Said Combs, “I’m a gun owner. It happens.” In fact, she praised herself for being “particularly careful” to point the gun away from people while “unloading” it. • In March, an unnamed man was rescued by bystanders who heard screaming from a mazelike storm drain, which runs 12 feet below the street in Lawton, Okla. The man had accidentally dropped a $20 bill through a grate and climbed in after it, wandering underground for two days searching for his way out. (He never found the $20.)

bladed drone would be necessary to carry a 12-pack for up to a half-mile. (The Federal Aviation Administration bans commercial drones, but is thought to be reconsidering the rule—though not just yet, as it quickly ordered Lakemaid to cease the flights.)

Perspective • As Microsoft founder and current world-class philanthropist Bill Gates prepared for a speech in Vancouver, British Columbia, in March, a circumcision dissident prepared to protest. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has invested more than $160 million on circumcision programs in developing countries based on overwhelming medical evidence (“as clear as you really can get in medical research,” said a University of British Columbia professor) that the procedure makes transmission of HIV much more difficult. Dedicated, intense-pleasure-seeking men (in this case, the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project) insist that the surgical snipping, especially of babies, denies males the benefit of heightened penile sensitivity. Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

Bright Ideas • The Lakemaid brewery based in Stevens Point, Wis., acknowledged in January that it has been testing drone technology, with an eye to eventually delivering beer to isolated ice fishermen on Lake Waconia, Minn. The brewery reportedly found that a six-

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L EF T Y

March 2015

By Richard Matranga

Maybe I am putting too much “stock” into the “science” of things. Lately, I find myself making wild assumptions based upon the very thing science was invented to eradicate, i.e. ignorance. In my mind, there are two forms of ignorance. One is benign and can easily be eradicated with knowledge and humility. The other is malignant. It occurs with knowledge and arrogance. As if it isn’t enough to have to deal with a dumb moron, you find yourself dealing with a dumb moron who’s got attitude. Just the other day, the topic of “left-handedness” came up. A friend posed the question, lefthandedness … is it in the genes? Fueled by my interest in genealogy and some personal research about Parkinson’s disease, I have acquired enough knowledge to fill a thimble. That easily qualifies me to be a dumb moron with attitude. Knowing that the human genome has now been mapped, the wrong answer just rolled off my tongue. I had a few accurate facts, like Marilyn Monroe and Einstein. Somehow, I knew they were lefties. Jimi Hendrix was a lefty too. Politicians aren’t immune. Four out of the last seven presidents were lefties. Before you lefties become infected with arrogance, you should be advised that Jack the Ripper was a southpaw. Bin Laden was, too. About 10 percent of the human species came out of “left field.” On the other hand, (no pun intended) studies show that left handers really do tend to be more artsy. The word “left” apparently comes from the Anglo Saxon word meaning “weak.” I am sure you will be surprised to know that the

dominant righties out there, since the dawn of man, have attempted to make left handers feel awkward and inferior, i.e., like freaks. This piece has been the catalyst for my repentance, confession and pledge. I pledge that I will continue to thoroughly research matters after I issue an opinion. I will resist the urge to acquire an attitude about the field I am researching until there is a general consensus among experts in the discipline or I produce a recipe for succulent and tender “crow.”

Four out of the last seven presidents were lefties. I confess: not one darn gene has been determined to be a significant factor in what makes a left hander. Despite my assertion to the contrary. But, I was born with the mind of a lawyer, not a geneticist. I believe that we have created a suspect class here … for hundreds of years we have mistreated, belittled, humiliated and discriminated against the southpaw. In a modern day class action suit, the fees awarded the plaintiffs’ attorneys would be astronomical. Left handers out there would probably receive a pair of scissors just for lefties. I know … always thinking about others!

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover.’” A. Julius Caesar B. Bob Hope 2. “I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.” A. Christopher Columbus B. Steven Wright 3. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” A. Barbra Streisand B. Pope Benedict XVI 4. “The first day of spring was once the time for taking the young virgins into the fields, there in dalliance to set an example in fertility for nature to follow. Now we just set the clocks an hour ahead and change the oil in the crankcase.” A. E.B. White B. Ron Paul 5. “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.” A. Thomas Edison B. W. Somerset Maugham 6. “Some men break your heart in two,/ Some men fawn and flatter,/Some men never look at you;/ And that cleans up the matter.” A. Laura Ingalls Wilder B. Dorothy Parker 7. “So live that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” A. Will Rogers B. Antonin Scalia 8. “I’m going home next week. It’s a kind of emergency - my parents are coming here.” A. Rita Rudner B. Eleanor Roosevelt Answers (all true): 1-B 2-B 3-A 4-A 5-B 6-B 7-A 8-A Scoring: (number correct) 7-8-Artistic 5-6-Autistic 3-4-Awesome 1-2-Altruistic 0- Annoyed Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

March 2015

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Peeves I Don’t Want as Pets,

AUTO EDITION

By Debbie Harris Hybrid Car Peek-a-boo: Hybrid cars don’t make any noise. A regular car has an engine noise or a hum, or maybe even a barbershop quartet on low - all I know is that I can hear them. Not hybrid cars. I walk outside every day, primarily in town, maneuvering through neighborhoods and commercial areas, sometimes talking on my iPhone or listening to music or Internet radio. I do my best to be aware of my surroundings. I look both ways and start to cross a street, and HELLO, there’s a hybrid bearing down on me. At that moment I think about what

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it would be like to be killed very quietly in the street. No squealing tires, no revving engine, just one thump and gone.

Be big in your smallness or you’re going to get crunched. Please hybrid owners, attach some jingle bells, play loud music with your windows down, lean your head out the window and go “vroom, vroom!” Anything. Just make some noise. Otherwise, my

FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Paddy and Murphy are walking down Alvarado Street when Murphy falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down, “What shall I do?” Murphy replies, “Call me an ambulance!” Paddy jumps up clapping and starts shouting, ”Murphy is an ambulance, Murphy is an ambulance.” Submitted by a guy who...well we’re still trying to figure it out.

headstone is going to say “Taken out by a Prius!” Honky Tonk Man: I live near a busy street and on that street there are some old houses with narrow long driveways, the kind that will park two cars one behind the other but not side by side. Every night there is repeated car horn honking on that street. Honk, honk, hooooooonk! It seems that a man in a pick-up truck that looks like it should have gone to auto-heaven years ago arrives near his house, honks his horn (and honks and hoooooonks) until a woman comes out of the house, pulls a car out of the driveway, allowing the man to pull the truck in ahead of her. Then she drives her car in, parking behind him. Message to Honky Tonk Man: Your wife is not deaf. More importantly, your neighbors are not deaf!! Here’s a thought: How about you get a couple of those gadgets—no, not walkie-talkies— cell phones! Then you can call your wife when you are near home and she can pull the car out, allowing you to enter the driveway

with nary a honk. Here’s another idea. Move. Maybe you could get a place with a driveway allowing for side by side parking. Seriously, please move. Pump Parkers: These are the people who fill their cars with gas, usually at a station on an interstate exchange on December 23, and every passenger in the car has to use the restroom, get snacks, change clothes, and apparently inventory the convenience store before they move their car from the pump. They seem to think that the empty parking spots in front of the store are for decoration and shouldn’t be occupied, particularly if it means leaving the pump to allow someone else to get gas. Keep it moving, pump parkers!! Shrinky-dink Cars: MiniCoopers, Smart cars, and small cars everywhere - you’re efficient, you’re stylish, you’re good on gas and you can turn perfectly into a parking spot at the last nanosecond! Admirable. But you’re in my blind spot all the time. Put a bull horn on your roof (take note too, hybrid people) running a loop of “small car in your blind spot; small car in your blind spot.” Or put a sail on top of your car that will allow me to see you when I’m trying to make a left onto a street with a lot of parked cars. Be big in your smallness or you’re going to get crunched.

A tourist stopped me for directions... “Excuse me pal, what’s the quickest way to 17 Mile Drive?” I say “Are you on foot or in the car?” The tourist says, “In the car.” I replied, “That’s the quickest!”

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March 2015

March Marches IN! Answers on pg 24

March Stride Walk Troop Step Pack Tread Footslog Trap Tromp Trudge Parade File Process Stride Strut Stalk Storm Stomp Sweet

The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

The Pocket Gopher The life of a pocket gopher Is not that of an idle loafer It digs and grubs and roots around And is tough as they come, pound for pound In seeking to provide for the family brood Its actions are intolerably rude It’s the spurious seed of Satan’s spawn When digging up my defenseless lawn! Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA

Foolish Counsel Q: I drink way too much coffee, and my dentist is telling me that my teeth are being affected by it. What should I do? A: Get your old ones removed and replaced with metal teeth. No more cavities. No more abscesses. If you ever get in a bar fight, they won’t be able to knock your teeth out. And brushing your teeth is far more masculine when you’re doing it with steel wool.

Q: My wife and I have been married for 33 years, and we’ve never had a dull moment. But lately, the bedroom has been boring. How can we spice up our “adult activities?”

A: Adult activities have always been a specialty of mine, and there are lots of ways to make them more exciting. Try putting on some cute lingerie and filing your taxes together. Clean the gutters while listening to love songs. And, if you’re really feeling adventurous, find a third-party and have them help you refinance your mortgage.

Q: My friends have told me that I eat cheeseburgers “wrong.” Is there such a thing as the correct way to eat a cheeseburger? A: Yes. First, you grasp the burger firmly with both hands. Lift the burger towards your mouth while simultaneously lowering your jaw.

If you realize that the burger’s trajectory is going to miss your mouth, that’s too bad. It’s too late. Enjoy your ketchup-smeared chin. Otherwise, simply maneuver the burger into the yawning chasm that is your mouth and bite down. Chew with vigor.

Common Sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Every family has a weird relative. If you don’t know who it is then it’s probably you.

March 2015

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Mira, WOW! By Daria James

No, seriously Wow! Scientists determined that women with larger butts produce smarter children. How did they come up with that? Yes, Timmy, you have an IQ of 150, you are like a human calculator. So, tell me about your mother’s derriere. Yes, that is French for butt. Was it big and round? Would it be able to hold a cup? Would you mind if I ask your mom out? You know, for research purposes. • A man was run over by a train when he tried to outrun said train to prove his energy drink’s potency and the power of his body.

• The whole “gives you wings” terminology went wrong somewhere. Perhaps explaining what a metaphor is would prevent further injury to people who get their fact from energy drinks. Cheetahs cannot outrun a train; those guys are built for speed and channel that speed towards hunting food. Never have I seen a cheetah trying to show-off in front of his cheetah bro’s. • A man was arrested trying to smuggle 94 iPhones into China. Does he not know that iPhones are made in China? The man was Chinese? Maybe he only spoke Mandarin, and that information

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got lost in translation. China does have more than 200 languages. Dennis Rodman was quoted saying: “I am not Martin Luther King.”

advertiser-backed Crackle online TV network. If you already paid $5.99 to watch online, you will not receive a refund. Joke is on you, America.

Never have I seen a cheetah trying to show-off in front of his cheetah bro’s. Duh! Said Kim Jong Un. • Microsoft has announced that its next operating system will be offered as a free upgrade to owners of devices running Windows 8, Windows 7 and Windows Phone. Now you can’t complain because you got it for free. • Sony plans to stream their controversial movie “The Interview” for free on its

My life is like a romantic comedy, except there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes.

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March 2015

By Lily Brun

Cheer for Decayed Organic Material Much of the country is in a deepfreeze, but here in California we’re drifting our way out of winter. Spring is about to pounce. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the winter pouring over seed catalogues, checking out the latest varieties of beans and squash and beets and rutabegas … ok, maybe not rutabagas. Seed catalogs are my vice, my dirty little secret I keep stashed in the greenhouse - in between the potting mix and the fertilizer. The pictures are luscious looking, the descriptions enticing, the promise of a bountiful vegetable garden, irresistible. They never fail to rejuvenate my gardening ardor. But, before any seeds can go in the ground, those dormant garden beds need to be readied for planting. Wake ‘em up! Best way, a good dose of compost - otherwise known as decomposed organic matter. Nothing like humus to make a garden grow. It’s just what the soil doctor ordered.

I’m lucky enough to have the room in my garden to make my own compost, a delicious mix of grass clippings, leaves, chicken manure - because I’m also lucky enough to have chickens - coffee grounds and food waste, topped off with a couple of buckets of water. It’s a veritable carbon, nitrogen and oxygen stew.

I think of my compost bins as giant crock pots cooking all of these ingredients. I think of my compost bins as giant crock pots cooking all of these ingredients, all the while creating the right blend of microorganisms to break down what’s in the pots into a beautiful meal for garden soil. Give it a good stir regularly and over the course of a few months it will automagically turn into a sumptuous soil amendment.

The science of it is really cool; the process really hot. Put a compost-cam (if there were such a thing) inside a bin and you’d see bacteria, actinobacteria, fungi like molds and yeast, protozoa and rotifers all working in unison to break down the diverse organic matter. Earthworms move in, eating their way through the composted material, aerating it and creating drainage tunnels. What a team! And all I have to do is stand on the sidelines and cheer them on: It’s no lie I’ve got great fungi. It’s so firm I’ve got hungry earthworms. It’s no boast I’ve got awesome compost. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go … Gotta make things grow!

Clearly, I missed my calling as a high school cheerleader! Nevertheless, compost is worth cheering for: add it to the soil and it helps with water retention, so you can water less … incredibly important in drought areas like California; use it to clean up and repair contaminated soil; use it to help prevent erosion; use it to improve soil structure; and it very simple terms, when added to soil it helps plants go stronger. So, this summer when the garden is in full bloom and all of those seeds I was enticed in to buying have grown into plants laden with vegetables, I’ll be standing nearby, pompoms in hand … Gotta make things grow! Go Team!

I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

March 2015

Comedy Interview by Quinton Grounds and Russell Swartz Last month, we had the opportunity to sit down with local comedian, Cory Robinson, and we even managed to print three of our 10 questions! Here’s a few more, just so you know we aren’t lying.

Where are you from? You can see it over there, right in Seaside. Lived here most of my life, mostly, haha, not yet. My Mom had me in San Francisco and then she got a job down here and we moved to Seaside. I lived here until I was 17 and then I got bored and got out of here as soon as possible. Moved to Vegas for a few years. It’s taunting you over there saying “look at all this fun here you can’t have!” So I moved back here and went to school and then moved up to San Jose to finish school and graduated when the economy [busted] and then couldn’t find a job living in the Silicon Valley. So, I moved back home and started doing comedy full time, that’s pretty much my life story (laughs).

Did you go to MPC? Yeah, actually the terms of me going there were really funny. I told you about how I went to Las Vegas and how I moved back because I was depressed over there for various reasons. So I moved back here and had to work, go to school, just do something. I was already working, so I went to CSUMB because I had really good grades in high school and wanted to go to college and figure everything out. I was at CSUMB for a year and I got in trouble with my Ex-Girlfriend, found out she was cheating on me…. long story short, I got angry with her and kicked the door in and

do you ever realize that when you’re angry, you don’t realize you’re committing a crime? Technically, that’s breaking and entering, burglary, something like that, so I did a week in Monterey County Jail. There was a lot of insinuating circumstances between that and CSUMB and I decided that instead of staying there and figuring out the disciplinary actions from the school, I’d just finish off my semester and go finish school somewhere else. I went to MPC because back then, nothing at CSUMB was accredited. None of your business classes, out of all of their curriculum, roughly a third of it was for transfer to other schools. By the time I went to MPC and did my 2 years and transferred to San Jose State, my credits retroactively worked because CSUMB was accredited. For a year and a half I just redid classes at MPC because of that. I just took university studies to get into a rea university. I took writing classes, philosophy classes, I also took an African American Studies class...I had a great time at MPC. I didn’t want to go to MPC right out of high school because it’s basically 13th grade, I wanted to just up and leave and go onto something new, but I was there anyway.

Did any of your college classes influence your standup? That’s a great question. I have a very very overpriced marketing degree from San Jose State which is slowly making sense to me because now I have a logo and a website and my own idea for a business. I wouldn’t have had that

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98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.” She raised herself up in bed and said, “Don’t sell that cow!”

on my own, but as far as classes … that African American History class because I had a lot of good friends there, learned a lot from that class, a lot of politics. If anyone knows me on Facebook, they know that I get really political. That really helped me. I also took this English class with this teacher who was very very conservative but loved the Colbert Show, a weird combination, like Barack Obama watching Fox News all the time. So, we had to write this argumentative essay and I did it on the legalization of Marijuana because I did that at CSUMB, at high school, it was always something I’ve been interested in, even before I even started smoking weed. She gave me a C on it. I was pissed. I’ve never had anything less than an A+ on that essay. I turned that argument into 4 other classes and got As and she gave me a C (You Bitch). Since then, every time I go on stage, I try to somehow mention weed, not because I’m a stoner, but because I can prove to you that we can fix a lot of problems in this country with it. That’s another problem, mentioning it gets you stigmatized. People hear that and say, “Oh, he’s a stoner.” I’ve got 6

years of a 4 year education, I know what I’m talking about. You either feel one way about it or you don’t and there’s a lot of different things about it. It’s political, economical, it’s racist, there’s a lot of different reasons why it’s illegal and you can’t really talk about it. Can’t even bring it up in a conversation, it’s like race.

Do you incorporate that into your standup? If you can laugh about it and still learn about it….I mean, I really look up to Chris Rock because he can always get the truth through in a very poignant way and it’s like, it’s funny as hell, but funny in a way that made you wonder, “Why didn’t I think of that.”

www.coryshowtime.com

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Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life

March 2015

By Rosie Sorenson

Maybe it’s just me, but the older I become, the more I realize there’s no end to the ridiculous highway upon which humans are destined to travel. Some examples: Number one: My sweetheart Steve narrowly escaped the clutches of Mr. Death due to a medication error in the emergency room of an out-of-state hospital. I’m glad I stayed in the room with him because when the nurse told us the doctor ordered a drug which I knew to be dangerous for Steve, I said, “No, you can’t give that to him. Isn’t the doctor aware of his medical history?” Steve wears a flash drive on a chain around his neck which contains all his medical records so there was no excuse for the doctor not to know. If not for my medical knowledge, acquired from many years in health care management, Steve might now be residing in a box of ashes. (According to The Journal of Patient Safety, 400,000 people die every year from preventable medical errors; such errors are the third leading cause of death, right behind heart disease and cancer. Just so you know.) Number two: In January, New York state set into law a ban on “tiger selfies.” When I read the headline in the newspaper, I thought gotta write about that. Seems that young people, mostly male young people, consider it cool to post on a dating site a photo of themselves hugging a tiger, unaware that not all tigers enjoy being hugged. I don’t know about you, but as a woman, I doubt I’d look at one of those photos and think, “That’s the man

I want to father my children!” I’m not sure who originated the ban, but I’m guessing the tiger lobby had something to do with it.

Hands-on Classes for the Butcher in All of Us. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had gone down like this. “Marvin,” says Tony, an elegant Bengal tiger sunning himself outside of his cage at the zoo, “I gotta tell ya, if one more dude hops over that fence to take my photo next to his ugly mug, I’m gonna eat his face!’ Tony’s twin, Marvin, splashing in the water pool nearby, says, “Hey, dude, I don’t blame you. Just the other day, this stupid guy in striped shorts creeps up to me and says, ‘Nice kitty, nice kitty.’ Can you believe that? I didn’t want to kill him right there, but, I swear, if he’d said it one more time, I’d have snapped his puny little neck!” Number three: Last week, I went to my favorite herbalist in North Berkeley to pick up a refill

for my sleep-inducing herbs. Before I turned down the path leading to the shop, I noticed a huge sign hanging from the window of a meat market on the corner. It read: “Hands-on Classes for the Butcher in All of Us.” I stopped, gobsmacked. Until then, I hadn’t realized that inside of me might reside a butcher. I read and re-read the sign. Oh no. Do I really have an inner butcher? Am I depriving her because I’ve not taken classes that demonstrate how to take a cleaver to chop, slice and dice a fellow mammal? I know, I know ― of course I’m a hypocrite. I eat an occasional burger, but I’d probably starve before swinging a hatchet at another vertebrate. But then, I’ve never been forced to make a choice. Maybe my primitive reptilian brain would kick in and, whack! Dinner. I do not want to be tested. So. I know that I’m supposed to tie up this piece with a neat little bow, but the idea of doing that right now seems, well, ridiculous.

Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it’s over your head! Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle) Q: David’s father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David! Q: If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in? A: 2nd place!

You are what you eat? Well I’d rather be a cupcake than a freaking carrot.

Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters? A: Bookkeeper

March 2015

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Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

Guide to Local Businesses & Services COMPUTER REPAIR Seaside Computer Services Your computer bugging you? Is it running slow? Does it have a virus? Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905

CHIMNEY SWEEPER Protect your home! A clean chimney is a safe chimney. 40 years experience. Quick response. 831.402.2273 tandtcleanup.webs.com

HANDYMAN Bob

CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction

831.717.7917

Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.717.7917

DOG SITTING & WALKING

CERAMICS

I can ﬁx, repair or replace most things. Electrical, carpentry, plumbing painting, auto and computers systems. I am truly a handy man!

Central Coast Pet Sitter

No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

10th Street Ceramics

Spring in for fun! Easter ready to paint projects. All ages Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com

WRITING WORKSHOPS

DONUTS

Award winning author can help you ﬁnd your inner writing voice. All levels welcome 831.250.5171 creativebookconcepts.com

Red’s Donuts wholesale division is accepting new locations to vend. Boost your sales with the ﬁnest and freshest donuts. Also available for fundraising. 831.236.0390 redsdonuts.com

AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium

Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of ﬁsh, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staﬀ. 831.372.3474

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

theultimateaquarium.net

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

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Traveling Blondes An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay- over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘DO NOT DISTURB!’” Two blondes were on holiday in Navajo country and they drove through a small township called ‘Chihanchako’. The one blonde turned to the other and said, “Gee how do ya pronounce that?” The other one shrugged and said, “Maybe we can ask when we stop for lunch.” So in the small township they stopped and walked into a fast food place where the first blonde said, “Excuse me but how do ya

March 2015

pronounce this place we’re in?” The blonde girl behind the counter looked them both up and down, rolled her eyes, and said slowly “B-U-R-G-E-R- K-I-N-G”. A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, ‘Cruise Special -- $99.’ She goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the Bow River, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float sideby-side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.” There’s a blonde, a brunette and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it’s not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette

takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door. They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, “Well, in case I get hungry I’ll have something to eat.” They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, “Well, in case I got thirsty I’ll have something to drink.” They all decide that’s a good idea, too. Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, “Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window.” A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle’ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal

of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, “Dang it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!” Once there were three people in an airplane. The first one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, “Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?” And the little girl said, “An apple came down and killed my new kitty.” Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, “Little boy, little boy, why are you crying?” And the little boy said, “A lemon came down and killed my new puppy.” Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “Why are you laughing so hard?” And the blonde said, “I farted and the building behind me blew up!!”

March 2015

Every Friday & Saturday in March

Planet Gemini

Monterey’s #1 comedy nightspot featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com Ongoing through May 4

YAC at MMA

www.foolishtimes.net

March 8

March 17

March 21

Parade of Gems

St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Birthday Bach Bash

68th Annual Gem and Mineral Show. More than having rocks in your head. Award winning displays of gems, crystals, jewelry, fossils and much more. Free and family friendly. salinasrockandgem.com

YAC celebrates 15 years with a collection of work by 30 alums and mentors. www.yacstudios.org

What began as a religious feast day for the patron saint of Ireland has become an international festival celebrating Irish culture with parades, dancing, corned beef and cabbage and a whole lot of green beer. We’re all Irish today. Please party responsibly. March 19

Meet the Author: Susan Shillinglaw

Carol & John Steinbeck: Portrait of a Marriage. Carol was John’s first of three wives. Good things come in threes. www.pglibraryfriends.org

First Friday Art Walk

The longest ongoing art walk in the county. The merchants of Oldtown Salinas open their doors and lend their sidewalks to artist receptions, live music and dance. www.artistasunidos.org March 6-8

Jazz Bash by the Bay

Daylight Saving Time

It’s “spring forward” time! If you still have a clock that needs to be set by hand, this is your day. A great time to change the battery in your smoke detector.

Why today? Because today is 3.14, the value of Pi.

Celebrating the music of the 20s to the 40s. The festival brings together the many colorful forms of early jazz. The 35th edition features 19 bands and 14 guest artists on eight dance floors. www.jazzbashbythebay.com March 7

San Jose Taiko

World class performing ensemble connects people beyond cultural and demographic boundaries. Lots of great energy and stunning choreography. www.csumb.edu/ worldtheater

March 14-15

Bike Polo

Teams from throughout the western states converge on Salinas for this two day tournament. Bikes don’t make the same messes as horses. www.leagueof bikepolo.com

Yesterday’s Treasures Antique & Craft Show

More and more folks are finding great stuff they always wanted but for some reason didn’t get the first time around. montereycountyfair.com March 27-29

Next Generation Jazz Festival

March 28

March 14

National Pi Day

March 21-22

Monterey Jazz Festival invites the top student musicians from across the country and around the world to participate. Artist-InResidence, Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra is featured. montereyjazzfestival.org

March 8 March 6

Looking and sounding good for 330 years. Food, wine and beer, door prizes, games and of course great music! www.bachfestival.org

March 20

Bunco for Bears

Teddy Bears with Heart gave out more than 10,000 bears and stuffed animals last year to more than six hospitals and 180 agencies. The demand for their services is forever increasing. Bring your friends and come play bunco and support a great cause. www.tbwh.org March 21

Salinas H.S. Farm Open House

Spend the day at Buena Vista School touring the farm and seeing all the animals. Silent auction and sausage bbq.

Comics for Kids

The folks at Boys & Girls Club do some serious work for the community. This one night every year, they put on a world class laugh fest to support programs that help kids and families. Comedian, actor, and talk show host Arsenio Hall performs. Dinner, live and silent auctions. Very serious work indeed. www.bgcmc.org March 30

National Doctor Day

Today marks the anniversary of the first use of general anesthesia in surgery. Doctors practice to keep us healthy and happy. Can you say refill!!

March 2015

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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

SPCA Benefit Shop

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

John's Consignment & Home Decore

Second Chance

Branches Resale Shoppe

NCI Affiliates, Inc.

THE

110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899

RESALE

www.nciaffiliates.org

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Ash Resale â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Finders Keepers

8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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Featured Shop Second Chance Thrift Store

provides job training and life skills to participants in The Bridge Restoration Ministry yearlong residential program. In addition to job training Second Chance also financially benefits The Bridge.