FORDHAM FOOTBALL FORCED OFF FIELD

By JAKE ERACA [Redacted]

Despite Fordham’s precarious stance on a dwindling endowment, student athletics have long defined the extracurricular community at the university and been shielded from the lethal pen stroke signaling budget cuts. Recently, however, with a new budget approved by University President Tania Tetlow, J.D., a catastrophic blow has been dealt to the Fordham football team, forcing them to practice on the Outdoor Plaza at the university’s Lincoln Center campus on alternating Tuesdays.

With the university being classified as Division 1 in the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletics Association) and having won a slew of conference championships in football, women’s basketball, men’s soccer, and softball, there is a prominent sect of the Fordham population involved with student athletics — whether they be on club or school teams.

‘ We requested funding for chartered helicopters to games, and when the request got denied, what did we do? Nothing! We took it like men.

Peter Pants, former linebacker, FCRH ’23

Fordham football has been pushed from its regular practice locations and onto the Outdoor Plaza as a result of the budget’s effect, much to the dismay and amusement of the students involved. To date, footballs kicked during practice have broken several windows across both McKeon and McMahon Halls, as well as car windows after the equipment was punted onto the street.

In just a week, almost all of the janitorial supplies of paper goods and ammonia were stolen in an act of rebellion against the administration. .

The Jack Coffey Field at the Rose Hill Campus will be replaced by a Target and Trader Joe’s shopping complex. Rose Hill students will no longer have to travel to the Lincoln Center campus to shop for their groceries and can instead enjoy access to these stores from the comfort of their gated community.

Despite violent outcry against the budget and supporters protesting en masse, Tetlow has firmly established herself as an equal opportunity buzzkill to the athletics teams. Upon confirmation of the budget changes, Fordham Athletics threatened Tetlow with yet another unionization attempt, which immediately failed due to the university already having caved to prior unionization requests.

No private institution can be too helpful in determining the quality of life of their constituents — that would mean risking spending too much of the endowment on things other than new buildings! Upon hearing of the practice schedule, Fordham football experienced an immediate 40% unenrollment spike due to HGH-induced (human growth hormone) manic episodes at the news.

‘We’ve already dealt with so much targeting from the current administration’, Peter Pants, FCRH (Fordham College at Rose Hill) ‘23 and a former linebacker for the Fordham Rams, said prior to dropping out following the news. ‘We requested funding for chartered helicopters to games, and when the request got denied, what did we do? Nothing! We took it like men’.

Pants added that the team’s response to the ban on electric scooters was reasonable, despite reports of hundreds of smashed windows: ‘We could’ve done so much more, but we really internalized the Jesuit mission on our team. We’re men for others. But this, this is just too far’.

Aside from the roided-out players let loose onto campus, Fordham’s football staff has started producing copies of campus skeleton keys and distributing them to the student body. In just a week, almost all of the janitorial supplies of paper goods and ammonia were stolen in an act of rebellion against the administration.

In addition to stealing supplies, Fordham Rose Hill’s dorms now contain an unidentified number of students sharing the allotted living space along with already-overcrowded rooms. First-years have been reported for ‘fixing the housing crisis’ (direct quote) by moving in extra friends and LC (Lincoln Center) roommates who were forced away from Rose Hill after the university accepted more students than it could house.

In an emergency response given to student press a week into the incident, Tetlow is a changed woman, much like U.S. presidents after a strenuous term. In terse, frantic snippets, the president reported that all university resources are displaced and steadily becoming communal.

She highlighted that armchairs are suddenly missing from offices overnight, library books have been found in the most unlikely of places, such as toilets, and the entire campus has managed to contract a SuperFlu variant due to the herd immunity of the student body

Mcshane Debuts On Broadway

being compromised (see the dorm overflow situation), ironically right after Fordham lifted its vaccine mandate.

Closing the press conference, hands gripping the podium, Tetlow is reported as delivering a teary-eyed apology to the football students, begging them to re-enroll and pay the extra tuition they owe from the most recent increase.

The former Fordham president proved himself to be a jack of all trades post-retirement: priest, president and play-actor.

By ALYSSA DAUGHDRILL Meme Connoisseur

Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., announced in September 2021 that he intended to retire the following summer. In June 2022, his retirement began, concluding his nineteen years of service as the university’s president. Now, his long awaited Broadway debut has been announced. Despite his title of president emeritus, it is not student drama that the showstopping McShane craves — if all the world’s a stage, he’s happy to announce his time in the literal spotlight.

The unconventional expansion of his outreach has turned heads and raised questions, but little can be done to dispute his command of the stage.

The contentious return of the rock-opera Jesus Christ Superstar to Broadway is set even further apart because of McShane’s role as one of the Apostles. Though the show’s initial debut in 1971 was met with intense protest from a multitude of religious groups, within the next few years it apparently found the approval of the Vatican. While unanticipated, McShane’s involvement is a far from unwelcome development. According to Premier Christianity, Pope Paul VI thought the musical would open people’s minds to Christianity, and the album was added to the Vatican Radio’s playlists.

The rock opera offers an alternate retelling of the Biblical story of Jesus’ life and death from the perspective of Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus and led to the crucifixion. This version of the story paints Judas more favorably: He made choices in accordance with what he thought best embodied Jesus’ teachings, just like people do everyday. In these tumultuous times, McShane hopes that seeing this depiction of an everyman doing their best and receiving consequences will provide him the platform to impart another lesson upon the university students he once presided over, while also giving him the opportunity to embrace his flair for the dramatics and passion for the stage.

McShane expressed that he “hopes to live not just in the hearts of his students, but in the hearts of his fans” when asked about ending his brief retirement and career change.

Ever dedicated to embodying the tenets of cura personalis, or “care of the whole person”, McShane believes that his time on the stage will help him to grow emotionally, morally, and spiritually, and he hopes his adventurous endeavor will encourage others to act in accordance with what will allow their artistic side to prosper as well, so that they may grow into well rounded individuals. As an academic and Jesuit priest,

McShane has dedicated a significant portion of his life to serious, rigorous pursuits, and he hopes that his time on Broadway will prove to be an invigorating workout of different traits and strengths.

The unconventional expansion of his outreach has turned heads and raised questions, but little can be done to dispute his command of the stage.

Students are encouraged to attend his opening night performance, as well as those in the following weeks. While Jesus Christ Superstar’s return to Broadway is limited, the memory of McShane’s contributions to the production will undoubtedly live on in viewers’ memories for years to come. Members of Fordham’s theater department are especially excited to see his performance and have claimed him as one of their own.