CHAOS REIGNS DURING NIGHT OF TERROR

PURGE from page 1 argued over whose turn it was to do the dishes while others fought over who got to use the last of the hot water for their second shower of the night.

The dimly lit halls of McMahon became a battleground as residents readied themselves for the night of their lives. Their first priority? Raiding the vending machines on the fourteenth floor. Students stormed the laundry rooms, not to pick up the sopping piles of clothes on the washing machines but to find their next OOTD (outfit of the day) for school.

Some strategies that were seen during this horror scene included students creating and hoarding makeshift tools, while others barricaded themselves in their rooms. Students had also chosen to band together for safety but had found themselves unable to trust those who they’d deemed their closest friends and roommates.

Although most students took the night as an opportunity to engage in criminal behavior, some residents ignored the alarms and proceeded to live life normally.

‘I woke up to my roommates fighting because someone’s commemorative ramen bowl was stuck in the sink. I thought it was just a normal day’, Ella Vator, GSBLC (Gabelli School of Business at Lincoln Center) ‘25, said.

‘I tried to get all of my suitemates together for safety, but it turns out they were the ones drinking my almond milk’, Anna Conda, FCLC (Fordham College at Lincoln Center) ‘26, said. ‘I locked myself in the back bathroom, and I haven’t looked back’.

As the night drew on, crimes began to elevate. Roommates

‘My heart sank when I stepped outside and saw our neighbors’ apartment fully trashed’.

While the Office of Residential Life’s staff members were not made aware of The Purge, they were officially relieved of their duties and were free to partake in the night’s events. One RA (resident assistant), FCLC ‘24, who wished to remain anonymous due to concerns over their private business ventures stemming from their apartment, shared that they carried out their previously scheduled health and safety inspections.

‘I had this one group of boys who threw a party, another group of girls put up string lights and scented candles, and I think I even saw someone trying to smuggle in a basket of stray kittens, but they passed with flying colors’, the RA said.

The anonymous RA added that the only violation they gave was for the apartment on their floor that left their door bolted.

‘Come on, guys. I get it’s The Purge, but you can’t have fire hazards’, they said. ’You know that’s a fine’.

As the sun rose on a new day, The Purge ended as abruptly as it began, leaving behind a trail of chaos and confusion. Students emerged from their apartments, red-eyed and shaken, as they tried to make sense of the night’s thrilling events.

Despite the fear and absurdity, many students found some solace in the fact that they had made it through the night alive and were ready to tackle another thrilling day at Fordham Lincoln Center.

‘I always thought that college would be the best years of my life, but I never imagined that they would include surviving The Purge’, Stew Pidd, FCLC ‘24, said. ‘I never thought I’d be grateful for a night without any dishes in the sink, but after we went through, I’ll take it’.

In the days since The Purge, search and rescue efforts have been largely unsuccessful, with many students remaining unaccounted for. Chee noted that no additional efforts will be made to find these students since the event was blown out of proportion.

Residents of McKeon and McMahon Halls will be able to reserve their bath time on 25Live in sixty- and one hundred and twenty-minute increments. They will be permitted 3 bathing sessions per semester before being referred to an off-campus spa house. Between reservations, a Roomba mop will scrub the tub to ensure minimal cross-contamination and decrease the spread of foot fungus.

Despite initial concerns regarding the tuition and roomand-board fee increase, the decision to install a new spa in McMahon Hall appears to be a positive step forward for the overall satisfaction of the campus community and reflects recent efforts to be more transparent in university spending. Stay tuned for more updates from this Lover of Bloomin’ Onions. Shelby out.

Observer the

Righteous Overlord

Allie Stofer

Pepsi Drinker Maryam Beshara

Pee’d Her Pants Ana Kevorkian

Sole Survivor Quincy Reyes

(S)layout Editor

Aurelien Clavaud

Midwest Representative Tara Lentell

Lover of Bloomin’ Onions

Shelby Williams

Chief Movie Critic Kreena Vora

Meme Connoisseur

Alyssa Daughdrill [Redacted]

Jake Eraca

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