foster families Summer 2009
an It’s N d it’ EW sF
RE
E
Issue One
Discipline
Saying goodbye
Work out why they play up and work with it!
Understand your need to grieve
School? The dos and don’ts of moving
Top 10 tips Moving out of home - help them prepare
A day to remember Our family fun in London
WIN! theBabaSling
Carer’s story “We were in constant contact with the police”
Contents Summer 2009
Contents
Edition 1
36
Find out what great treats we have in store for you in the Summer edition of Foster Families. personal . . .
23
welcoming the child memories of a child in care, and caring a day out with the family
... 5 ... 6 ... 31
discipline . . .
Photos: Kevin Keller, Daniel Vucsko, Konstantin Lazorkin, David Dennis
handling the child’s behaviour getting support and taking control effective discipline for teens
Book review ... author and foster carer, Diana Kimpton, reviews her favourite fostering books ... 38
Our top tips ... dealing with discipline understanding how a child behaves
... 10
28
support . . . living with a child on drugs ... 15 doing it alone, the story of a single mum ... 19
advice . . . preparing a young person to move out learning to say goodbye to a child
... 21 ... 28
7
education . . . new school: fresh start or fresh trauma
... 23
... 16
things for kids to get involved in ... 35 ask Michelle your letters
... 10 ... 13 ... 13
home . . . summer home makeover storage tips to tidy your home
... 34 ... 36
... 46
food and health . . .
Cover Photo: Sean Dreilinger
eating disorders: knowing the signs encouraging fussy eaters cooking with the kids
... 40 ... 42 ... 43
40 fun stuff . . . crossword
3
42
... 47
foster families
Summer 2009
Welcome from the editor....
Welcome Foster Families Edition One June-August 2009 Circulation 6,000.
Take a look at this!
Dear Reader, Welcoming a new magazine into your home is a little like bringing a new foster child into your family. You have to get to know it and take time to accept what it has to say. You have to look past the exterior and learn to love the greater things about them. The difference with Foster Families is that it’s a brand new magazine, so you already know our history and don’t have to worry about surprise skeletons in the closet! We’ve decided it’s time for foster carers to have a great magazine that is just for them. All your hard work doesn’t go unnoticed, and we know there are many things you want to find out about. We’ve got some great stories for you in this first edition of Foster Families, covering all sorts, from what to do about changing a child’s school to fun days out for the family and food everyone can enjoy. So sit back, relax, and see how you get on.
Ceressa Bateman, Editor
Coral Nafie, Interior Meet the experts... Designer, suggests Dennis Neill, Family Therapist, talks about why children behave badly and how to get support
how to keep kids tidy and decorate for summer
Annette Webb, from Simply Fostering, answers your questions
Diana Kimpton, Author, recommends some books you might find helpful
Judith Garbutt, Senior Specialist Educational Psychologist, talks about kids in school
Take a look at this month’s cover stories
10
Is the young person moving out? 10 ways you can help them
Summer 2009
FR
EE
Issue One
Discipline
Saying goodbye
Work out why they play up and work with it!
Understand your need to grieve
21 23
The dos and don’ts of moving
Our family fun in London
WIN! theBabaSling
4
31
28
Top 10 tips Moving out of home - help them prepare A day to remember
Take a look at where other families are going for ideas of days out
Find it hard when the children you foster leave? You’re not the only one... read on for how to move on
School?
Thinking of changing the child’s school? Check out what Judith Garbutt has to say about the benefits of stability
Summer 2009 foster families
foster families
Carer’s story “We were in constant contact with the police”
Drugs, police... the story of a foster carer’s nightmare
15
Photo: Clemens v. Vogelsang, Kevin Keller, Sean Dreilinger
Do you struggle with disciplining the kids in your care? Take a look at what the experts suggest
an It’s N d it’ EW s
Advice
A life time of difference How one woman changed the lives of many children
M
abel Bell, 93, fostered over a hundred children throughout the 1950s and 60s. Opening her house in Brighton as a day nursery to afford the cost of living with so many children, she loved and looked after them as if they were her own. Mabel talks about how she and her late husband, Arkle, learnt to welcome children into their home all those years ago, without the support or training we have now. “We first came about fostering by responding to an advert in the paper. A lady
wanted someone to look after her twins while she had another baby. “We went and got the children, only once the mother had given birth she never came back for them. We had them until eventually they were adopted,” Mabel recalls. “Fostering can be a real joy…or heartbreaking. They all have problems when they come to you. “If they will talk, that helps, but all children are different and all react in a different way. Some children will resent being sent to you.”
Mabel’s five tips to make a child feel welcome 1. Don’t expect any gratitude Leaving their own family is traumatic for the child in any circumstance, and it helps if the carer is sensitive to this. The Fostering Information Line (FIL) agrees with Mabel: “Foster carers should not expect the children in their care to be grateful to them. The child will feel the very real pain of separation from both family and friends.” 2. Gain their trust, listen and show them you want them Mabel, who had three children of her own while she fostered, advises: “You must be someone they can trust, even though they won’t always do so. Be sure you really listen to them. “You must make them realise you want them, for
usually, in my experience, they have been rejected.” 3. Keep in touch with and welcome their families Mabel, who went on to adopt two of the children, learnt the benefits and importance of keeping in touch with the children’s families. Many children will be returning to their families so seeing them
4. Be clear about rules Mabel says: “Our principle with rules was to have few, but insist they were kept.” Every family has different rules. Rules about how family members should behave. Rules about what is expected of them. Rules of what they cannot do. Rules of what they must do. The rules in the carer’s family might be very different from those the child or young person is used to. FIL advise carers to clearly tell the young person the rules so they know what they can and cannot do, but to be flexible in giving them time to get used to these new rules. “You must love children
“You must love children but you cannot like them all” regularly saves the child from making too many changes. Because parents will be visiting the house often it is helpful for carers to provide a welcoming place for them as well as a welcoming environment for the child to live in. 5
but you cannot like them all,” says Mabel. 5. Include your own children Waiting for the child to arrive, after hearing so much about them, can be an anxious time. FIL says: “This worry will also be shared by your own children who will have a variety of feelings about the prospect of another child coming to live with them.” Be sure to reassure your child that they are not being replaced, and that whatever happens you still love them. Making them feel important by having a role in welcoming the child may help to ease nerves. Mabel encourages the whole family to take part in making the child feel at home: “If you have children of your own they should be able to help.
foster families
Summer 2009
Personal
I still remem
Childhood memories and experiences have an affect on ch Will the good and bad experiences have an impact on their future happiness and success? Everyone experiences things differently. Take a look at the following stories to see how Denise, Kirsty and Fiona each have a different outlook on their childhood experiences of foster care. Kirsty saw her fostering experience as an adventure, whereas Denise felt on edge and unsure about her future. Fiona never knew anything other than sharing her family with
other children. She appreciated the benefits of helping look after many babies, while Kirsty was relieved to go back to her mother and the security of her mother’s love. Yet Denise was scared of going home and resented having to stay in contact with her family. Whatever the child is going through, it is your duty as a foster carer to give them the best experience of family and security that you can, so they can feel at ease and safe.
Michael Jacobs, Psychodynamic Psychotherapist and Visiting Professor at Bournemouth University, says that as well as the importance of nurturing and treating children well while they learn to cope with the ups and downs of life, people have an inbuilt factor that also affects how they deal with things. He suggests this characteristic has as much impact on a child’s career and future happiness as what they go through. He says: “Some babies
Denise is still in contact yet remembers the fear
D
enise Wilton, 25, is happily married to Paul and a proud mother to baby Connor. Her time in care is years behind her but the impact is lasting. Denise, from the West Midlands, was put in care because of abuse. She says: “I was in foster care for a year and a half when I was around 14 years old. During this time I went to three different families. I’m still in contact with two of the families, but I lost touch with Carole’s about four years ago. It felt very strange and disconcerting moving in with a family who were all related and knew each other so well. You feel like an outsider no matter how welcome they make you feel. I felt constantly on edge for months that if I did something wrong I would be sent away. It was no fault of theirs but just a product of the environment I had come from. On the whole I was made to feel welcome by Carole’s family but I was quite difficult for them to look after at some points so I think they found it demanding. There were some things that I found hard. I had gone from being the oldest child in my family to being the youngest in a strange family. I found it a very difficult role reversal. I think Carole’s son, Adam, who was the youngest in their family but older than me, also found
“You feel like an outsider no matter how welcome they make you feel”
Denise hopes to give her son a more stable childhood
Summer 2009 foster families
6
mber when...
Personal
ildren later in life. Michael Jacobs explains how and children seem to be able to endure hardship and lack of good nurturing better than others. This partly depends on how the first few weeks of life pan out and when trauma begins. There are different levels of toleration of frustration in babies. The longer there is a good basic nurturing before difficulties arise, the more the child is given the inner resources to be able to tolerate them sufficiently. “Studies show that in particular a loving attachment between mother
and baby does much to strengthen a positive approach to life.” If you’re wondering if the child in your care is doomed to failure from what they have been through, Michael reassures that this is not necessarily the case. Michael says early experiences can affect a person’s life, but adult experiences are also important. “Social and economic factors will have considerable bearing upon a person’s prospering in a career, which are nothing to do with that
person’s character, apart from anything they bring to their working life. “But everyone is different, and while it is often possible to see where a person has come from, and how past experiences have affected the way they are now, it is impossible to predict from this kind of evidence where any child will be when they are an adult. “The influence of the past is much more subtle than generalities might make it appear.”
Fiona remembers growing up in a family where children were always coming and going
with her foster carers, of returning to her family
F
it difficult. I didn’t like leaving the first family to go to Carole’s because I’d only just got settled when I was moved on. Once I got settled there it was a little easier but I found it very difficult being put with a family when I really didn’t want to move. I was scared of being sent home. Not knowing where I really stood with things and constantly expecting to be shunted on again was also difficult. Being forcefully encouraged to stay in contact with my family was one of the hardest things, especially as at that point I really couldn’t face the idea of ever speaking to them again let alone forgiving them. But there were definitely good things about my time in care. I found my confidence and who I was again. Carole taught me about being true to myself and not being scared. I went home when I was 15 and a half, then moved out permanently at 16. I moved up to Scotland and it was the best decision I made. It gave me the distance I needed to be away from my family and after about five years I started building bridges with my mum and then eventually the rest of them. Things can still be very hard but time and distance do heal.”
iona Sweetman’s family looked after foster children, in Carlisle, before she was even born, and continued to do so up until she was 18. Fiona, 57, remembers the best, and worst, of growing up in a family of many. “Never having known anything different, my older brother and younger sister and I thought nothing of sharing our room with foster children and taking them on holiday with us. On the occasions when we did not have any foster children, it seemed a bit quiet and we looked forward to a new one being sent our way. The mixed age ranges of children to young adults made me very familiar with all ages. When I had my own family nothing fazed me because I had experience with newborn babies and older children. I especially loved the small babies and spent a lot of time playing with them. I knew how to change a nappy when I was six years old. I remember crying in the taxi, when I was just four, bringing a newborn baby home. I cried when the baby cried because I thought he was sad for not having a mother. My mother believed all babies should come home from the hospital in a taxi, even Fiona aged 18 with one of the those that foster babies
“I was scared of being sent home.... the hardest part was seeing my family”
7
foster families
Summer 2009
Fast Track your way through the Foster Care Training Support and Development Standards without using a workbook………
Find out how we have helped 14 Local Authorities and hundreds of Foster Carers to quickly build an evidence portfolio and quickly and easily map their skills and knowledge to the standards.
Visit: www.cis-assessment.co.uk for more information or call us on:
0845 873 0373
were abandoned, so when we collected the baby from the hospital she gave it the same special treatment she had given her own children. Because we never got much money for fostering in those days, and my mother needed to be at home to look after us all, she also ran a day nursery. Six or seven children would come five days a week, all squeezing into our cramped terraced house. The first ones arrived at seven in the morning, needing breakfast, and the last ones left at about six in the evening. I do have one strong memory of
a bad time with foster children. It was when I was 14 and we had a foster girl of the same age as me. Because we had little money I had always had passed on and second hand clothes, which I never minded, until that Christmas. Social services gave the girl a whole new set of clothes that included a tartan kilt, which I really liked, and a shirt, a cardigan, underwear and shoes, the whole lot. I felt very left out and forgotten that Christmas. But the positives really did outweigh the negatives, and being in such an open family has stayed with me. My husband and I have five daughters, grown up now, and our house has always been open to people. We have shared our Christmases with many waifs and strays and I think growing up in that welcoming environment has been a positive influence on my life.”
Personal
When was your first memory? Professor Michael Jacobs explains some interesting facts about memories: “People vary enormously as to when their first memories are. Bad memories can be completely repressed or dissociated, so that there appears no memory, or they are remembered without the emotions attached to them. There is a large question about whether repressed memories can be recovered: are there false memories? Freud believed some memories were screen memories that did not actually happen, but that symbolise emotional issues of the time which the socalled memory refers to. Memories are often triggered by current events - we do not remember certain past events and scenarios but then something similar in the now suddenly brings those memories to consciousness.”
Kirsty Everiss tells of her brief, yet memorable, time in care
K
irsty, 24, is close to making her childhood dream of becoming an actress a reality. After studying drama at the University of Glamorgan, Kirsty now hopes the acting agency she is part of will push her to the top. Yet as a child Kirsty, from Cardiff, had to go into foster care when her mum went into hospital for treatment. Kirsty says: “I was about five years old when I went to stay with a foster family the first time and I was there for a couple of months. Being quite young I saw it as an adventure. I don’t remember being scared, even though I didn’t know how long my stay would be. Everyone called the woman Auntie Eddy, and she and her husband had teenage children. They were a nice family and welcomed me. While I was with them they were also fostering a baby and another child. One memory that stands out was going to feed the cows in a field nearby. I also remember helping to cook meals and tasting custard for the first time.
Their house was a little outside of the city and that meant for a month while staying with them I didn’t go to infant school due to staying further away. They tried to get me to school but I kept arriving late, so it was decided to take me out of school for a bit. I don’t think I really understood what it meant to not go to school because I hadn’t been in school long. I just saw it as being fun to be off school and doing other activities. I saw my mum a couple of times while I was staying with the family and soon it was time to go back home. I was happy to be back living with my mum as I was quite young. Not long after, she had to go back into hospital, so I went to stay with the same family again for a few weeks. When I went home the second time I think I was glad for my mother’s love again. We kept in touch with Auntie Eddy and the family for a bit afterwards, but as always happens, life soon got back to normal.”
“One memory that stands out was feeding the cows in a field nearby”
Fostering is behind Kirsty now
9
foster families
Summer 2009
Discipline
Dealing wit
W
Disciplining children and young peo to keep your cool when
Summer 2009 foster families
Photo: Clemens v. Vogelsang
e’ve all been there. A tiring day. You come back in from getting the washing to find the house a tip. Toys everywhere. You’ve asked them ten times to tidy up before your guests arrive for dinner but your words have landed on deaf ears. What do you do? Tell them once more, with a final warning? Threaten to ground them? Send them to bed early? Confiscate their favourite toy? You want to have a tantrum! What happens if you, the carer, lose control? Elaine M. Gibson, educational psychologist and counsellor, says: “Parents aren’t perfect and many parents have the same traits. A cooling off period and sincere apologies are in order. “We can think about how to handle it next time. Parenting difficult children is hard enough without carrying around guilt. Do what you can in the moment and try again.” Elaine lists six difficult traits that children have along with ways to manage the behaviour (using The Difficult Child by Dr. Stanley Turecki and personal experience). She says: “The management process is identical but each trait requires
“If you don’t do what I say...” specific knowledge.” First, work out what trait they are showing, and how this affects their behaviour. Second, avoid the incorrect labels that demean the child and pass judgement. Third, label the true behaviour for the child. Use consistent phrases so the child will understand what is 10
happening and can relate to your expectations. Finally, take action. Do what needs to be done in a positive manner. Remember, the child is not doing this ‘on purpose’. Take a look at the following six behavioural types and follow Elaine’s advice to see how to best handle the child in your care:
Discipline
h Discipline
ple is a discipline in itself. Here’s how they’re driving you crazy! Is the child highly active? Are they very active and always into things? Do they make you tired, get wild, lose control, and hate to be confined? What you should NOT call them Wild, destructive, uncontrolled, interrupts. What you could say “You’re overexcited.” “I think you are getting too revved up.” “You are beginning to lose control.” What you could do Intervene early. Provide quiet distraction. Provide cooling off time. Provide space for blowing off steam.
Is the child non-persistent? Do they give up easily and not handle delayed gratification? Do they never finish anything and always quit projects before completion? Do they have a short attention span, especially when they’re not interested? What you should NOT call them Lazy, irresponsible, quitter, doesn’t try hard enough. What you could say Only say positive things. Encourage, encourage, encourage. Avoid negative feedback and criticism at all costs. What you could do Break projects down into small steps. Teach in small steps. Provide small successes along the way.
Does the child have a negative mood? Is the child’s first reaction to a new stimulus or idea always negative? Do they appear cranky or serious? Are they not happy about very many things? Do they ‘look for problems’? Is the ‘glass always half-empty’? What you should NOT call them Complaining, whining, pouting, sulks, gripes, never satisfied. Don’t say anything You cannot make things better for this child. Keep your reaction neutral and give the person time to adjust or get on with life. Remind yourself: “This is the way he/or she is, they can’t help it. It’s not a personal attack on me or my ideas.” What you could do There is nothing you can do to change this child. Recognise that the behaviour is the child’s temperament and there is nothing wrong with the child. Ignore as much of the negative content as possible. Do not try to make this child happy. It will only make things worse.
Is the child distractible? Do they have trouble concentrating and paying attention, especially if they’re not interested? Do they not ‘listen’? What you should NOT call them Forgetful, irresponsible, absent-minded, lazy. What you could say “I know it’s hard for you to pay attention.” “I need to see your eyes when I’m talking to you.” What you could do Establish eye contact, by touch if necessary. Give short instructions. Reduce distractions.
Is the child irregular and unpredictable? Do they have unpredictable needs? Are they never hungry or tired at predictable times? Does their mood change suddenly? What you should NOT call them Uncooperative, loner, moody. What you could say “I know you are not hungry now. I’ll put your plate in the fridge and you can eat your meal when you are hungry.” “I know you are not sleepy now, but it is time to be in your bedroom.” What you could do Separate mealtime from eating time and bedtime from sleep time. Create routines, even if they are unusual. Be flexible.
Does the child have a low sensory threshold? Do they have extreme sensitivity to sounds, lights, colours, textures, temperature, pain, tastes and smells? Do their clothes have to feel right which makes dressing a problem? Do they not like the way many foods taste and seem to overreact to minor cuts and scrapes? Do they feel too warm or too cold when others don’t and have a likelihood to tantrum? What you should NOT call them Fussy, picky, particular, hard to please. What you could say “I know that really bothers you.” “I know this tastes funny to you.” Acknowledge the child’s perceptions as valid for the child. What you could do Recognize that the child is really bothered and not just being difficult. Do not challenge the child’s perception. Treat accompanying behaviour as irrelevant (such as whining). Make the child comfortable. Give the child permission to make himself comfortable.
For more information visit http://www.elainegibson.net/parenting/mgt.html 11
foster families
Summer 2009
Professional Development and Training for Foster Carers Positive Learning Ltd - Delivering professional training products and events specialising in Health and Social Care issues, with a particular focus on Safeguarding and Child Protection. Foster carers can individually attend any of our courses and events held throughout the year or we can design and deliver In-house Training for Foster Care groups, agencies and organisations. - Helping foster carers gain practical skills and knowledge to enable them to overcome the challenges they encounter and ensuring young people in care maximise their potential. Examples of some of our training topics include: Dealing Effectively with Challenging Behaviour Child Protection and the Internet Supporting Young People Leaving Care Domestic Violence and the Impact on Child Development Managing ADHD and other Autistic Spectrum Disorders Children and Young People who Self-harm
Call 01243 544 960 or visit www.positivelearning.co.uk for more information on these and other topics available
haveyoursay@fosterfamilies.co.uk What do you think about your new magazine? We’d love to hear your thoughts about Foster Families magazine. Here at Foster Families we want to provide foster carers with the best magazine we can. We aim to entertain and inform you, with helpful articles concerning the things you find hard. Please let us know how we’re doing, and tell us if there’s anything we’re missing out. If you want to feature in the magazine, send your contact details and some information about your story, to the address below. And remember, you, plus any of your friends, can sign up to receive your FREE copy of Foster Families magazine by logging onto www.fosterfamilies.co.uk. Please email any comments, letters, stories or suggestions to haveyoursay@fosterfamilies.co.uk. Alternatively, you can post your comments to us at: Foster Families, Flat 2, 2a Brook Street, Worcester, WR1 1JB.
Tips on Taking Control Getting support from a loved one is the key Dennis Neill, a Family Therapist, says: “Getting control of difficult behaviour in children can be difficult, time consuming and tiring.” Dennis recommends you: - choose one aspect you would like to change in the child, such as not doing what you ask them to. - get support from someone, such as a partner, parent or friend, and work together to combat the diffficult behaviour. “It means asking for help and learning to accept your need for help as a necessity, not a failing.” - be honest with that person, tell them what you want to change in the child. - get some time alone as a couple or a single parent away from the child every so often.
How best to work together: - support each other in front of the children. - do not disagree with each other in front of them. - find ways that work for you both when dealing with the children. - try not to fall out over the children. - do not criticise each other or think that one of you is a better disciplinarian, and the other too soft or too hard. There is nothing worse than being put down when you are working hard to change things for the better. - discuss your differences away from the children, learn to compromise with your partner. This means you have to trust your partner and admit when you get it wrong. - if you cannot do the above, it will be very difficult to get the children to change. If you, as carers, cannot organise yourselves, it will be difficult for the children to change.
Discipline
Dealing with the consequences... good and bad Dennis says: “Consequences are not just punishments - they are ways to help children think and learn about their behaviour and how this affects their relationships. Consequences for poor behaviour could be to make someone sit in a chair for two minutes or to tell them you will not speak to them for ten minutes. Alternatively you could switch the TV off for their favourite programme or ban the computer for an hour. For good behaviour, you can reward a child with praise, a hug, some special time together - whatever feels appropriate to you.
Teen Trouble?
Photo: Alena Navarro-Whyte
Some helpful advice for dishing out discipline If you are having trouble with older children and teenagers, Sushila de Sousa, Child Placement Consultant for BAAF in Leeds, recommends you put yourself back to their position. Think about how you felt when you were a young person being punished. Think about why you were misbehaving and whether the punishment worked on you. “Get to know the child and work out what would be difficult for them,” encourages Sushila. “For some, grounding will be effective, for others it may be missing out on pocket money, but each child is different. If they are a loner being grounded doesn’t make any difference. “If they enjoy going to a youth club, or if they are used to going out or doing something, then taking that away could be an effective way of disciplining them.” Not seeing parents should never
be used as a form of punishment. Neither should hitting, smacking or any other form of corporal punishment, “Don’t talk to me!” or denying the young their local Children’s Centre as many person food, water or sleep. of them provide parenting support If you are unsure about what forms programmes such as Triple P (Proof punishment are acceptable get moting Positive Parenting). in touch with your local authority or “This gives lots of good techniques ask your social worker. Pat Beesley, to deal with difficult behaviour as well Consultant and Trainer for BAAF, as helping to boost carers’ confidence says: “There are all sorts of parentin their own skills. ing programmes regarding discipline “It also shows parents the imporbeing used by family support services tance of being positive about their in local authorities.” children and this is especially imporTrina Fernando, Outreach Worker tant with foster kids who have often for Sure Start, says: “I’d recommend only heard negative remarks about that foster carers get involved with themselves.” 13
foster families
Summer 2009
Support
Our trouble at home with the boy who did drugs Constantly reporting their foster boy to the police did little to dampen these first time carers’ spirits, or their relationship with the boy
D
rugs, stealing, court appearances…fostering is not always the walk in the park we wish it could be. Rossalyn and Nigel Peace, from Stratfordupon-Avon, were in constant contact with the police when their first foster child came to them. Being thrown right in at the deep end was not enough to put them off fostering, and Rossalyn, 35, laughs with ease as she talks about what most people would find a stressful beginning to fostering. “We started fostering seven years ago, when we’d been married about five years. We had chosen not to have children of our own but to instead provide a home for young people that needed support. Michael* was our first young person, and our first experiences were of him stopping out, not going to college, and not coming home on time. His mum lived nearby, and lots of his friends also lived around our street, but he was 15 years old, which meant we were responsible for him and needed to know where he was. The trouble started with many nights of us ringing the police to report him missing, and giving police interviews. This happened so often that pretty soon the police lost interest. It then moved on to drugs. We had been warned before he came to us that he might do drugs, so we were aware of his mood changes. His manner and his eyes were not as they normally were, but fortunately he was never violent or aggressive. We searched his room and found cannabis plants and bongs, which are used to smoke cannabis, in there. We were able to talk to him about it, and he knew it was wrong, *name changed to protect identity
Rossalyn soon got to know the police on a first name basis but still his behaviour didn’t change. Then money started to go missing, which he took for drugs. One day Nigel left money on top of the fridge, and when he later went to get it, it was gone. Money was taken from my purse and handbag, and we were in regular contact with the police at that time. I think we probably gave him some chances before we called the police the very first time, as it’s not something you want to do, but it was our first placement so we were in close contact with Social Services and did what they advised us. We called our social worker, and Michael’s social worker, and were told to report him. He only took small amounts of money at a time, just £10 or £15, but by reporting him, social services knew how much money we needed 15
to get back. We were always supportive of him and always tried to be helpful, but told him his behaviour wasn’t acceptable and he knew that. Our relationship with him was always positive, so we never felt we shouldn’t call the police. He then started taking things from the house. They were all just silly, little things. I remember not noticing the alcohol had gone missing until one evening when we had friends over and Nigel was looking in the drinks cabinet to offer them some. We couldn’t find the bottles of drink, and later found out Michael had taken them and sold them to his dad, who never even questioned where a 15-year-old boy had got them from. Nigel had bought hair clippers to foster families
Summer 2009
Support cut Michael’s hair, and we came home one day to find bits of hair by the front door. Michael had sold the clippers too. I think one of the worst things that happened was when our lodger got engaged and Michael stole her engagement presents. He took a couple of hundred pounds, plus vouchers, champagne and things that had sentimental value. Our lodger soon moved out after that because she couldn’t cope with it all. This led to us having to put locks on our bedroom doors and lock things away in our bedroom that we didn’t want to get stolen. One time some kids turned up with cannabis on our doorstep. Michael had fallen out with a friend of his, and she had sent some children to our house to give him back his cannabis. I called the police, who knew us well by that time, and they came and got it. Weirdly, none of this made things awkward in our relationship with Michael. We continued to have conversations with him about what he was doing wrong, and he was likeable and chatty when we spoke to him. He didn’t want to cause us stress, he just didn’t know how else
to live. Although he was still out a lot, we always got on quite well with him when we saw him. It ended up with him going to court and Nigel having to be the person to support Michael in court as no one from Social Services was there, even though it was about him stealing from us. Social Services advised us to take the precaution of locking him out of the Rossalyn and Nigel came through smiling house if we weren’t there. We just couldn’t take the break as it had been very stressful, risk. He had college to go to in the but we weren’t put off fostering. It day and he knew when we would be made us very wary about asking home. But the situation meant that at questions and knowing more about 15 years of age he was locked out of the young person before they came, home all day, which was not helping but we knew they wouldn’t all be like him. Even though he complied with that. that and never made it difficult, We never felt that it was our fault he left after about six months. We with Michael, because the same couldn’t do things had happened anything to before he came to help or support us. It’s been difficult him as he was in other ways with never around. other children, but He left on good each child is different terms and we and each situation still see him. teaches us how to cope with what Once he left, we needed a life gives us.”
“We were in constant contact with the police”
“Some kids turned up with cannabis on our doorstep”
Is the child in your care more than just a handful? Dennis Neill, Family Therapist, gives advice on why children misbehave and how to handle them. Dennis says: “I think foster carers do often offer Doctor’s orders extraordinary support to many damaged and emotionally distressed children and I have had the good fortune to work with many of them.” Summer 2009 foster families
Asking for advice People often contradict each other when you ask them for advice, which can be upsetting and confusing. Some of what they say may make you feel bad. It is even more confusing when you ask why the child behaves in a certain way. Why children act in a certain way Often, children misbehave because of family difficulties, such as bereavement, illness, divorce, remarriage, school problems, bullying, lack of confidence, problems with friends or brothers and sisters and such like. There may be medical problems such as ADHD 16
or other rarer conditions. It is useful to think of bad behaviour as a sign that something is wrong. Most people want to be liked and helped, not to remain angry, hurt and isolated. Talk about how the child is feeling Try to talk to the child about their emotional distress and feelings, but be aware that it is usual for them to become confused or refuse to tell you. It is often more useful to guess how a child is feeling, by saying “I guess you are angry (hurt, upset etc.) about something and that is why you are acting this way”. This can help the child to open up more, believing you understand and
connect with their feelings. Get help from someone close The help of your partner, relative, friend, teacher or sometimes a professional counsellor can make it easier for your child to talk. Talking is the first step, not always the answer Sometimes children refuse to talk as a way of expressing how they feel, no matter how reasonable you may be towards them. Agression may be a sign that the child feels out of control When very naughty, aggressive or defiant children talk about how they feel, they often express how frightening it is to be this way. They want to get better control of their feelings or for someone else to help control them. The cheeky child may feel isolated Children who are out of control often feel unsafe, sad, upset and helpless. They can feel isolated and lonely. This may be hard to believe when
you are facing a cheeky and defiant child. Reactions in the child Sometimes children say they are not bothered when you apply a consequence. Sometimes their behaviour becomes very good and then goes back to how it was, or becomes much worse in order to break your resolve. Don’t expect instant results It takes time for things to change and your new way of dealing with the children will need to become a normal part of your relationship, not something you try for a few weeks. Consequences If the child says they are not bothered or don’t care about your consequence, remind yourself that you gave the consequence and that puts you in charge - not them. If a consequence does not work over time, change to another. It’s a good idea to change them from time to time anyway.
“Bad behaviour may be a sign that something is wrong”
For more information visit http://www.familytherapy.org.uk
Want some more training?
Here’s what’s on offer...
The British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF) provides training for all the fostering organisations on a regular basis and many have their own training schemes. If you want to get some more training behind you, speak to your support worker about what courses coming up would be appropriate for you. Some topics covered in training include communicating with children,
keeping siblings together, managing difficult behaviour and how to train others in fostering. Nicky Probert, a trainer for BAAF, says: “We offer training workshops, conferences and seminars that anyone can attend and are also commissioned in by various local authorities and independent fostering providers to run specific courses for our carers.” 17
Support
T H E T E R R O R
Ways to avoid tantrums • do praise good behaviour, so
they don’t resort to tantrums for attention • do monitor the tantrums to see what the underlying cause is • do be prepared to overlook small misdemeanours – don’t lose your temper over trivial things • don’t compare them to better- behaved children • do realise that this is a short phase that will pass
O F T A N T R U M S -
If it can’t be prevented… • do keep calm, however stressed you feel! • do show you understand their frustrations: “I know you’re angry, but it’s not safe to do that” • do ignore the tantrum and don’t try to argue • don’t crash around the kitchen to let off steam! • don’t give in to tantrums in public places. They will pick up on your inconsistency
O U R T O P T I P S
The calm after the storm… • do cuddle them so they know you still love him – explain that it’s just their behaviour you don’t like • don’t punish them for the tantrum, or reward them afterwards Taken from Sure Start Children’s Centres
foster families
Summer 2009
Teenagers in Foster Care
Promoting positive relationships A training course Kevin Lowe, Jayne Hellett & Stephanie Stace, TSA This training material is designed specifically for foster carers and social workers looking after young people. It is rooted in TSA’s research. It consists of four sessions: making sense of adolescence; trust me- developing positive relationships; everyone has a past – getting off to a good start; making a difference – promoting social relationships, education, health and wellbeing. This training manual provides all the material needed to run the course including a CD with PowerPoint slides and handouts. £85.00
Code TIFC
ISBN 978 1871504 873
Getting Along
A resource for young people in foster care Jayne Hellett, Kevin Lowe & Stephanie Stace, TSA This high quality resource for young people in foster care is a companion to the training course Teenagers in foster care – promoting positive relationships. £2.50 each (discount on bulk orders) Code GEA ISBN 978 1871504 880
Friendly and easy to use for all your crafting needs. A huge range BIG Kids Section - over 7,000 products! Quick despatch same or next working day FREE Delivery for all orders over £30
SPECIAL OFFER @ stamps. co.uk Enter ‘FREE FUNKY’ in the comments box at checkout to receive a FREE pack of funky foam shapes worth £1.99. Offer ends 31/8/09
Matt Le Tissier, current sky sports pundit, ex England and Southampton legend, showed his support for Simply Fostering at a recent testimonial match. He said ‘I’m very happy to give support to the guys at Simply Fostering. They do a fantastic job in helping to recruit foster carers nationwide for Local Authorities and fostering agencies’. Simply Fostering is a response to the national shortfall of foster carers. It is not an agency, therefore the free service is able to provide people with choices to find the right agency for them and their family as recommended by government and Fostering Network. For more information, visit www. simplyfostering. co.uk
Single yet strong
Support
Single mum, Gaynor, copes with the ups and downs of fostering, with the support of her family and friends. Read on to find out more
Photo: Angela Mabray
G
aynor Moore, from Droitwich in the West Midlands, is not in a relationship and has never had children of her own. Yet being a foster carer came naturally to the 36 year old, and with the support of her family, she has changed the life of a troubled child with special needs over the past five years. “I always wanted to foster, ever since I was six or seven years old. I used to tell my dad I was going to have eight kids when I was older. He told me it would hurt and I might want to stop after two, but I said they wouldn’t be my own kids. It didn’t happen the way I thought it would. I thought I’d settle down and get married first, like most people do. But about six years ago my Granddad, who I was very close to, died and my contract at the school where I taught was up for renewal. I decided then it was time to foster. I told the head teacher I wanted to foster instead of renew my contract and she said she would do anything she could to support me because she had wanted to foster but had never done so. I started working part-time as a music teacher but
even that was too much when Tom came. I was told about a six-yearold boy in care with his sister. I went to see him and that was it, I knew Tom would come home with me. While I was waiting for him I had a Smiling despite the sleepless nights of foster son’s nightmares 14 year-old girl for two and a half weeks over Christmas. It report her as a missing person as I was really hard letting her go, even didn’t know where she was. though she was only with me a short Despite her hard exterior, and trendy time. ways, she said she had always This girl wanted to know she was loved. She tried to act older than she was, by going to bed at three in the morning, and always wearing a lot of makeup. One day she stayed over at a friend’s house and I had to
“I thought I’d settle down and get married first, but it didn’t happen that way”
wanted to knit, so I taught her how to. She came down to the living room one morning in her pyjamas, with no makeup on, put on a Disney video and sat there knitting. I thought if only her friends could see her now, they wouldn’t believe it. And she told me that was the first time in her life she felt she had been her real self. I asked her what she wanted to be when she was older, and she said she’d like to be a hairdresser. So my brother-inlaw found out what she would have to do to be a hairdresser and gave her the details.
SINGLE
19
foster families
Summer 2009
SUPPORT
Support We kept in touch for a few months, and she called me on Mother’s day, but then it phased out so I figured she had moved on with her life. However, her social worker knows a friend of mine, and last September I found out she’s gone to University to do a course on beauty and hairdressing. That made me feel so proud. My family must have had a real impact on her. Tom came on February 15th, which we call our Special Day and every year we do something special. This year we went to Butlins, and last year we went to Warwick Castle. At first I found it hard being labelled an ‘inexperienced’ foster carer because I have no children of my own, when the truth is I’ve always been surrounded by kids. I was a teacher and a leader of lots of clubs, such as Beaver Scouts, Cubs and other adventure groups for years. I had a lot of experience with other people’s kids, which is more similar to fostering because it involves dealing with children who are not your own. I also found it hard sometimes that people thought I only wanted to foster because I was getting broody. My sister had just had a baby, but fostering is no way to deal with that. Training was hard, because I was
the only single person there. Going into the panel alone, having to answer all the questions myself, and having no one to share it with when I got back home was hard, but I got through it. Most of the problems I have are the same difficulties couples would have, such as having no time to myself. My sister asked me a tough question: if I met someone who didn’t get on with Tom, would I choose Tom or the relationship? I can understand someone not getting on with Tom, because of their personalities clashing, but I couldn’t go out with someone who doesn’t want to foster. Sometimes I get lonely in the evenings. I can’t go out and there’s no one to talk to when I’ve had a bad day. I have my mum, but I can’t always tell her everything as I’m her little girl still and she wants to protect me. I have a friend who fosters and lives in a nearby town and we talk on the phone and text a lot. She fosters two brothers Tom’s age, who are similar to Tom. We seem to have bad patches at opposite Gaynor says: “You get to meet lots of times so people who are in a similar position to your we are own. I have done training in all sorts of always things, such as first aid, basic food hygiene, able to safe caring, cultural identity, contact and help and attachment issues. These can all work toward your NNEB, which gives you, as a encourage each other. carer, more credibility in your profession. I have lots of friends, and At training I met two other single carers have made my own support with no children of their own, one man network of people I can turn and one lady. The lady is my age and we to. My parents are my first were able to share how we feel about our port of call, because they circumstances and understand each other are always there for me and in a way no one else could. live just around the corner. I have met people who also care for special I’ve never been to the needs children and who live close to me, support group that my so it is a great way of meeting other people agency offers, because it’s who can support you.” a long way from where I
“I have my own support network of family and friends I can turn to”
Why get extra training?
Summer 2009 foster families
live and I feel I have enough support from friends and family nearby. Tom’s been with me for five years now and it hasn’t always been easy. When he first came, he couldn’t use a toilet so he went through seven or eight sets of clothes a day. He never sleeps through the night and he hates night-time, because of his past and what happened to him. He screams and screams with nightmares, seven or eight times a night, because he thinks ghosts watch him. It’s horrendous. When he first came he had to have three pairs of curtains over the window to give security, as he worried about the ghosts outside seeing him through the windows. He doesn’t often have bad tantrums now, but sometimes he’ll eat his bed or smash the table. This is our fourth toilet seat. Tom panics when he sees his social worker. She came twice within a couple of weeks and he put two and two together and thought she was coming back to take him away. He smashed the table because he thought he was leaving. He wants to change his surname to Moore, the same as mine, but Social Services said there’s no way he can. He likes to be called Tom not Thomas, and he won’t respond when his teacher calls him by his surname. I’ve promised him he can change his name when he turns 18 and I’ll pay for it, but that’s too far away for him. To Tom, having the same name means he’s part of this family. All my friends are foster carers or have special needs children, but sometimes I wish I could have a break from that. I get no extra or special support being a single mum, but I don’t need it.”
“He screams and screams through the night with nightmares”
20
Moving on and moving out...
Advice
Photos: Eigi, Oguz Karaesmen
How you can help in 10 easy steps Yes, that’s right. The time has come for the child you cared for to leave. Whether they be moving into a flat of their own, or moving in with other young people, they are certainly moving out of your home. No more home-cooked meals. No more foster mum to do their washing. Now it’s time for them to fend for themselves, a mighty lion prowling its territory, warding off enemies and hunting prey. It can do anything…well, maybe you should help out a little with the first push. Young people are able to stay with foster carers until the age of 21, if they choose, yet they are equally able to live independently at 16, if they choose. Michelle Cunningham, social work assistant, says: “If it is a possibility the young person will move out at 16 start preparing them earlier rather than later.” Their social worker will stay involved for three months after they turn 18 to make sure they are coping on their own. An After Care worker will also offer support. Parentline Plus says a young person must know how to: 1. Look after their surroundings 2. Look after their money 3.
Look after themselves 4. Take responsibility for themselves Our top 10 tips show how to teach the child in your care these four things to prepare them for the next step: 1. Encourage them to find somewhere to live before leaving your care. Living arrangements will be discussed at each Looked After Child (LAC) review. 2. Respect the privacy of their room. Suggest that if they are to keep their room as they like, they must bring out used cups and dirty laundry. Tell them it is up to them to make sure they have clean clothes. 3. In return for the sanctity of their bedroom, ask for common rooms (living room, kitchen and bathroom) to be kept tidy. They can no longer rely on you to clean up after them. Many kids learn how to do this when it is up to them. Maybe label a certain time of day ‘clean-up time’. 4. Talk about what they will have to sort out: rent, water, gas. Encourage them to write down what money they spend to help prioritise when paying bills. 5. Take them household shopping for a taster of how much everyday items, such as toothpaste and washing up liquid, cost and how often they need to be bought. Talk through what they will need for every day living and encourage them to use these items. 6. Let them learn from their mistakes. If they spend all their money at once, don’t bale them
out. Let them learn from the experience and help them work out how they can avoid doing it again. 7. Encourage them to get used to taking care of themselves. Discuss what they may need to do, such as going to the doctor, doing the shopping or getting a plumber in. There are guaranteed to be forms to fill out (for housing and benefits or university, grants and college). Michelle says: “It can be very confusing so it is important for you, the carer, to reassure them there are people around that will help.” Their After Care worker can help them with this. 8. They will most likely need furniture for their new home. You can help them save money by looking in second-hand shops, charity shops, furniture projects, car boot sales, jumble sales, adverts in the local paper, supermarkets and newsagents. 9. Encourage them to cook for themselves, or prepare a meal for the family on selected weekdays, with or without your help. A cookbook wouldn’t hurt either. 10. You’d be amazed how many young people don’t know how to work a washing machine so why not ask them to help you collect the dirty laundry and choose the right wash? Then they can help hang it out to dry and master the ironing. Encourage them to get into a weekly routine of doing the laundry.
21
Thinking of a ‘new home’ gift?
?
Why not get them an address book ready-filled with any addresses they might need?… yours, Social Services, their support worker, their doctor, a local plumber... anyone that they might need to contact or who might be able to help them at any time.
Who can help?
?
Any young person that has spent at least 13 weeks in care is entitled to ongoing help from social services. Social Services will give them a personal advisor who will help them find somewhere to live, help them apply for a loan or grant, as well as other things.
Did you know?
?
People who have left care are more likely to end up homeless than other young people, but with the right preparation you can help lower that risk. Take a look at Shelter’s website http://england.shelter.org.uk for more information, or call 0808 800 4444 for advice.
foster families
Summer 2009
Education
New school... fresh start or fresh trauma? Photo: Nicola Jones
It is not always a good idea to move a child or young person to a new school. Judith Garbutt explains why
Y
ou’re a busy mum. You have more and more children are being two children of your own to get advised to stay in the school they’re to two different schools across used to. the city before nine in the morning Pat Beesley, Consultant and Trainand a baby to keep from crying as er for BAAF, says: “For most young you go about the daily household people in foster care on a temporary chores and grocery shopping. basis it will be important to maintain A mid-morning cup of coffee is stability and continuity of school as something you only dream of, and they may now you have a new, much welreturn “School may be comed of course, addition to your home. It is family in the form of a foster child. better edu- where they feel The last thing you can fit into your cationally schedule is a trip to the next town to to maintain drop them off at the school they’ve continuity and it lessens disruption of been a part of for as long as they can peer relationships.” rememJudith Garbutt, Specialist ber, so Senior Educational Psycholo“It is important to surely it gist for Looked After Children wouldn’t maintain stability” in Stockton-on-Tees, says: hurt to “From a psychological view squeeze point we all have a number of them into your son’s school? A talk basic needs that need to be in place with the headmaster and they’ll be as to promote positive, emotional health, happy as Larry, making a fresh start well being and agency.” in a new neighbourhood… or will When these needs aren’t being they? met we can react badly. As adults we Foster Families has been speaking have learnt many coping techniques, to the experts and finding out why but looked after children with com23
plex lives, suffering from emotional trauma, can end up with overwhelming feelings of panic and fear in times of stress, when things seem unstable or unsafe. Judith says: “If unpredictability and insecurity continues, the child’s neurological systems repeatedly go on red alert, the one place priming safe and secure” their body to respond through physical and physiological fight, flight, freeze means.” These insecurities are likely to occur, and basic needs be ignored, when a looked after child is admitted into care for the first time or is moved to a new placement or new school. Judith says: “For many children their school is the only constant thing they have in life. For many this may be the one place where they have felt safe and secure and where adults are attuned to their needs and give them the opportunity to practise new ‘scripts’ and change the neurological foster families
Summer 2009
The basic needs Is the child in your care’s education suffering just so he can have an easier ride to school in the morning?
Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrell’s bestselling book Human Givens: A new approach to emotional health and clear thinking, sets out the Human Givens Perspective, which lists a number of basic needs that we are all born with - a given of human nature. These needs are: a need to feel safe and secure; a need for attention; a need to connect to others through friendship, love, fun and intimacy; a need to belong through being part of a wider community; a need for independence and control; a need for status; a need for self esteem; and a need to drive for meaning and purpose. When we go through difficulties in our lives, such as breaking up from a partner, or feeling isolated and lonely when we don’t know anyone in a new town, we should be able to recognise which of the areas of need are not being reached. We should also be able to see how we react to this, by tuning to alcohol, overindulging on chocolate, being easily irritated or becoming introverted or depressed. As adults from a “normal” background we will have learnt many coping strategies.
network from the flight, fight, freeze ‘misbehave’ response to the ‘I can think, make as a means sense of what’s going on and make a of expressing judgement’ script. themselves, this “Schools can provide the security, is misinterpreted safety, need for attention, belonging, as challenging community etc. If we just pick up behaviour, leading a child and say you’re off to a new to exclusion.” carer, new school, new area, how So when is it ok many of to longer attend the same school.” “We all have a number move them? these basic Barbara Collings, Deputy Foster needs do Sometimes it just Care & Short Break Service of basic needs” we remove? seems in their best Manager for Children, Young People “It’s interest to take them & Families for Cornwall County hard enough when one need is not away from the school and give them Council’s Children’s Services available, think how many we remove a fresh start. Authority, says: “There have been for children when we put them in care Felicity Price, Public Communicator occasions when family members and change schools. Each time we for the Department for Children, have gone into the school, or waited move them are we reinforcing their Schools and Families, says: “It is outside, making the school an unsafe belief that adults are untrustworthy?” difficult to give a environment for that The stability gained in keeping the clear cut answer “School can provide particular child. child at the same school could help because it will “Peer group security” the child settle at the new placement. depend on the pressure is also Another reason is that they give individual child. an area not to be up on trying to make attachments at Factors for consideration might be ignored, but we would hope that the new placement. Judith says: “It’s when the needs of the child change work is undertaken by the school a self defence mechanism. ‘Why and the school can no longer meet and support services to address bother trying to make friends as you’ll them or when a child moves out difficulties in this area. It would be just move me anyway?’ of the area for reasons of child the exception for a child or young “What often happens then is they protection and therefore can no person to change school, with a high
Here’s how looked after children cope differently Judith Garbutt explains why stability is particularly important for some children. “Looked after children’s lives are complex and multifaceted. Many will have experienced damaging levels of traumatic separation, neglect, abuse, loss, disorganised attachment patterns and inconsistent levels of care. “Where a child is born into a family where fear, unpredictable behaviour and maltreatment are common features, his/her body, brain and nervous system develop to ensure his/her ability to survive. Summer 2009 foster families
“Insecure, and often disorganised patterns of attachment can result. If unpredictability and insecurity continues, his/her neurological systems repeatedly go on red alert, priming his/her body to respond through physical and physiological fight, flight, freeze means. “This can lead to overwhelming feelings of panic, fear and distress. This ‘language’ is something that youngsters come to rely on in times of stress, particularly when they are put back into a world that they view as unpredictable and unsafe.” 24
Photo: Kevin Keller
Education
Maths & English
tuition
Confidence Enthusiasm New skills
Use your Personal Education Allowance at Explore Learning!
Free Trial Session!
Visit our website to find your nearest centre www.explorelearning.org.uk
Education priority being given to the need for continuity within education.” If they’ve been excluded from the school for bad behaviour then that’s a different matter of course, although Judith says: “The nationwide Managed Move Scenario helps prevent children getting excluded from schools. Every child in care has a Personal Education Plan (PEP) to en-
“Often the stability of the placement cannot be guaranteed” courage them to fulfil their potential with the help of parents, carers, a designated teacher and their social worker. “Managed moves do occur, but with great planning and discussion of the PEP. The reality is, no child or young person should move school without the plan being evaluated and plans being carefully and thoroughly discussed.” Geography is one factor in particular that could sway foster carers to want to move the child to a new school. You might notice that the child has a lack of energy from all the travelling and the school down the road might seem much easier. However, Judith points out: “Often the stability of the placement can’t be guaranteed until the kid has been there Photos: Brad Wood, Kevin Keller, Charlie Styr
How will their education suffer? Changing schools is usually a slow process. Children can be out of school for a couple of days, or even weeks, waiting for a placement. But two weeks out of education is five percent of the school year, and how much more time will the child be “out” of education as they try to settle in? Judith says: “Although we would like to think schools are more aware of looked after children, the harsh reality is many adults still think it is the child’s fault they are in care and are not always sympathetic to providing work.” Schools don’t follow a day by day curriculum, meaning a child could repeat topics they did at their old school while missing out on the topics already covered
at the new school, needed for completing the coursework. There could be a raft of new skills lost or not caught up. Schools use different exam syllabi, and sometimes new schools want to spend time assessing the child to see where they are academically. Yet this results in the child being exposed to more assessments than teaching, and often being put in the wrong group. Judith says: “A child’s social networks are at their old school and there is a huge argument at the minute as to the benefit of out of hours school learning - it helps academic learning. Again if we take this away, the child may be unable to learn academically until s/he is more settled.”
for a while, so moving them from their stable school placement may backfire.” This is something the local authorities are aware of. Barbara says: “Local authorities do make every effort to place children within reasonable travelling distance of
the school.” Under the Children and Young Persons Bill there is a clause which will require local authorities to maintain young people in the same school in years 10 and 11, which lead up to GCSE, unless there are very good reasons for not doing so.
Education
Understanding the freeze, flight, fight pattern Dr Bruce D. Perry, from the Child Trauma Academy, says: “When a child experiences a traumatic event, the immediate reaction is a primitive and deeply ingrained ‘freeze, flight or fight’ reaction.” FREEZE allows the victim to hear more clearly and observe more keenly the potential threat, while staying camouflaged. For a child it can be indecision or ambivalence. Freezing can give time to make a decision. Children facing a traumatic event, such as visiting a family member, may physically freeze on the spot. Dr Perry says: “When adults around
them ask them to comply with some directive, they are ‘frozen’ and refuse. This forces the adult -- a teacher, a parent, a counselor -- to give the child another set of directives. “Typically, these directives involve more threat. The adult will say, “If you don’t do this, I will...”. The nonverbal and verbal character of this ‘threat’ make the child feel more anxious, threatened and out of control.” FLIGHT the victim that runs away tries to escape. For a child this can be physically or in the form of dissociation, or daydreaming. Dr Perry
Statistics collected by local authorities from the school year 2004-2005 show that 59% of all care leavers were not in education, employment or training on their 19th birthday compared with 13% of the wider population. Only 6% of all looked after children (LAC) left care with five or more GCSEs at grades A*- C compared with 56% of pupils overall. It also showed that only 43% of all LAC achieved at least one GCSE or GNVQ compared with 96% of the rest of the population. This percentage was the same throughout 2003-2005.
says: “The pain or anxiety has become so great that they disengage.” FIGHT an animal under threat will fight. For a child this is the vocalisation, resistance and aggressive behaviour shown. Children are not good at fighting however, so instead cry. When this response does not get the help from an adult that they desire, they tantrum. Dr Perry says: “When a traumatised child has a tantrum, they are often terrorised. These tantrums will often result in physical restraint until the child is able to feel ‘contained’, held, calmed and, ultimately, re integrated.”
What are the risks to young people in care after school? • They are twice as likely to become teenage parents • 20% of children leaving care become unemployed immediately after leaving school, compared with 6% of the general population • Between 1/4 and 1/3 of
rough sleepers were looked after at one point in their lives • About 1/4 of adults in prison were looked after as children (Information from Crown Copyright 2006; I&DeA and LGA 2006; SEU 2003).
How you can help the child in your care achieve success:
Photo: Kevin Keller
• Keep them in the same school and in one placement if possible • Give positive encouragement - this was seen as the most important factor to recent successful care leavers • Encourage them to gain support from friends who do well at school • Make sure they attend school regularly • Encourage them to develop out of school interests Other factors linked with successful care leavers: • A significant adult – a role model or mentor (not necessarily a parent or carer) who offered consistent support, encouragement and advocacy was identified as an important factor by high achieving care leavers • Early reading • The educational background and expectations of carers is highly significant (These factors were most closely associated with later educational success according to studies by Jackson and Martin 1998; Jackson 1998b; Martin and Jackson 2002 found at Research in Practice, the largest children and families research implementation project in England and Wales) 27
foster families
Summer 2009
Advice
Suffering fro The pain of being separated from a loved one is difficult in all situations. How do YOU deal with it?
S
Letting a child go can be hard for some carers
Summer 2009 foster families
28
Photos: Daniel Vucsko, Dustin Jensen, Don Long
Not seeing a child again can be like grief
o you’re a foster carer. The Fostering Information You’ve gone through all Line encourages foster carers to the processes, in fact all discuss their feelings about the the training you went through young person returning home seems like a lifetime ago now with their support worker. you’re “You wouldn’t fullybe the kind of “It can be quite a fledged. foster carers bereavement process” the organisation You’ve had a wanted if you foster didn’t feel a child in your care for as long as considerable loss when any child you can remember and now, placed with you returns home. suddenly, it’s all about to change. “This “heartache” is very much Many foster carers find it hard a part of the fostering task and it to say goodbye when the child doesn’t get any easier the more they have cared for moves back it happens.” to be with their ‘real’ family. If Julia says: “Carers have you’re one of them, you’re not ongoing support from their alone. social worker who can give Julia Robertson, Operating them advice. There is training Manager in Sunderland for for foster carers on short-term Fostering Solutions, says: placements, called ‘Caring and “Each case is different for the Letting Go’. It is available to all individual. Some foster carers short-term and emergency foster care on a longer“When you get attached term basis where the it’s not easy to let go” child stays with them and is supported by them after carers and meets individual they turn 18. For others, they needs.” may be helping move the child Julia says that it can be onto adoption and it can be quite especially hard for those that a bereavement process.” care for babies to let go of them. It might seem a bit extreme Babies have a dependency on to be talking about grief and the carer much stronger than an bereavement, after all the older child does, so it may feel child hasn’t even more died, they’ve a loss. “Each case is different of The just moved for the individual” home. But Fostering this sudden Information departure can have Line reminds carers that the similar effects to death so “primary purpose of fostering understanding Dr Elisabeth is always to work towards the Kübler-Ross’s five stages of return of the young person to grief can help us deal with these their family as soon as possible”. emotions when they come. This is often a good sign that
m separation
Advice
The five stages of grief... Stage One: Denial and Shock
Stage Two: Anger
This natural defence mechanism makes everything seem unreal. It is hard to believe the child you love is no longer with you, you keep expecting them to burst through the door and throw their school bag down on the table. It is alright to be upset. It is ok to reminisce. If someone is going through this, you don’t have to say anything clever, just be there for them.
Anger can be shown in different forms. Anger at yourself, anger at someone else, especially those close to you. You do not need to feel guilty about your anger. If you are getting the brunt of your partner or child’s anger, try to remember they are not angry at you and do not take it personally.
Stage Four: Depression This is often when you realise that they’re not coming back and things will not be the same. It may be an acceptance with emotional attachment. There may be feelings of sadness, fear and uncertainty. These are all normal and you should try and share your feelings with someone you can trust and don’t be afraid to cry.
Stage Three: Bargaining In these circumstances bargaining may include trying to see the child on a regular basis, or not moving anything in the child’s room in the hopes that they will come back. But bargaining rarely works. The Fostering Information Line says: “It will be a matter for the child and others if their foster carers will have any contact with them in the future. There are many who argue that a successful return home will be assisted by follow up contact with foster carers over a relatively short period. “Contact over a long period of time after the child has returned home is quite difficult to justify in most cases.”
Stage Five: Acceptance This is usually acceptance with emotional detachment and objectivity. You are finally able to let go and remember the child with a smile rather than with an aching pain. This takes time and some people reach it faster than others, but as with all the stages, each person experiences each one in their own way. (Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969, and the interpretation by Alan Chapman, 2006.)
their family circumstances have “Support from other carers changed and living with them is now in experienced at moving children on is, their best interest. in my experience, invaluable. I always A staff worker try to link carers who have “You just fall in gone through this with those for Fostering Network, who is an love with some” dealing with it now. experienced foster The number of times that carer, says: “I think you have moved a child on support workers need to allow carers does not really help as you just fall in to express the painful emotions that love with some, an emotion that cannot arise and absorb, not dismiss, it. really be directed.” 29
What can I do now? If you are struggling with the emptiness of a child having been moved on, Julia suggests you speak to your support worker who can offer help and advice through this painful time.
foster families
Summer 2009
CHILDREN’S DAY AND RESIDENTIAL HOLIDAY CAMPS Day camps during Half terms, Easter and Summer Holidays based in North London Sport, art, drama, fun and entertainment in a safe and cosy environment Children age 3-13 Residential camp during Summer, based in Norfolk Wide range of challenging and exciting activities Children age 6-17 Please quote FFA on application
020 8371 9686
Place your advert here Call our advertising department on 01905 747924 or email them at ads@fosterfamilies.co.uk to place your advertisement in Foster Families magazine
www.xkeys.co.uk
We would like to say a big thank you to our photographers: Alena Navarro-Whyte Alexandria Perone Amy Humphries Angela Mabray Andy Tyler Brad Wood Charlie Styr Chris Leigh Clemens v. Vogelsang Daniel Vucsko David Dennis Donald Judge Dustin Jensen Eigi Evan Long
Jason Pearce Jesse Michael Nix Joanne Quirante-Escober Kevin Keller Konstantin Lazorkin Mark Baston Nicola Jones Ezra Nuakin Oguz Karaesmen Robb and Jessie Stankey Sean Dreilinger Sharyn Morrow Stephanie Vacher Valentin Ottone
All of whom can be found on www.flickr.com And a big thank you to Nicola Davidson.
Summer family fun Running out of ideas for a fun day out? Veronica Beard tells of her family’s adventures in London when they went from the West Midlands to see the Lion King show
“
Photo: Andy Tyler
My husband and I decided to take our two sons, Jordan, 11, and Isaac, six, to see the Lion King, in London’s West End, as a surprise treat for Jordan’s birthday. We thought it would be something fun we could all enjoy together, and an adventure for the boys to explore some of the big city. We decided to splash out and get the best tickets we could afford (£40) while keeping other costs down by travelling there and back in one day by car. Being a Sunday we were able to park for free in certain streets in Kensington.
Personal Our adventure started with us getting lost on the way to London from our home, in Worcester. Although this gave us a late start, it added to the adventure. We then caught the tube from Kensington, which the boys loved. It was lunchtime when we arrived in Covent Garden, which gave us enough time to look around the market Street performers and cafes... the many things to do in Covent Gardens before the 3pm matinee. Covent bought the tickets over the phone we only knew roughly Garden was a wonderful place to be with lots of free where the seats were, so we were pleased to find our entertainment, such as street artists. This was great view from the back of the second level was clear enough for keeping the boys’ attention away from the nearby, for the boys to be able to see well. expensive, The show was wonderful and the boys were at toyshops. just the right age to really enjoy it. They knew the We had a story, which helped, and were completely caught packed lunch up in it and not at all fidgety. with us but as During the interval ice cream sellers paraded it was a cold down the aisles. A queue quickly formed and the day we needed boys looked pleadingly at us. Whilst one went to a hot drink so the loo with Dad, I took the other to the queue. were glad to see a nearby kiosk and some benches with After much waiting, we were next and I quickly worked a patio heater. Two hot chocolates with a slice of pizza out from the people in front that a small tub cost four to share, and a warm seat were just what we needed to pounds. I reluctantly asked give us a boost before the show. for two as one wasn’t big I had promised the boys some sweets to take into enough to share and, the theatre and a pick ‘n’ mix cart on the edge of the having come this far, we market fitted the bill. They were allowed a bag each couldn’t go back empty but I knew I would need to limit them a bit. handed. When put on the scales they came to just over five When we left the show pounds which was more than we would normally pay it was very dark and cold outside. We looked for taxis but as it was London, and we’d kept other costs down, but there were none to be had. Not being from London, we let them have it. neither of us were used to hailing and we both felt All this took us up to the time we could go in. We were nervous about the cost, having no idea if it would be £10 glad not to wait outside any longer as we were all cold or £30! and the boys were eager to get into the theatre. Having The boys were tired and it was busy on the streets.
“A day the whole family can enjoy… without breaking the bank”
“It was a great memory building family day”
Summer 2009 foster families
32
With us nearing the underground I wondered if we’d made a mistake in not getting the whole day pass rather than falling prey to taxi drivers. Just then we did manage to hail a taxi and we all jumped in. It was so lovely and warm and we all snuggled up on the back seat. The boys’ eyes grew wide as we passed Buckingham Palace by night and it suddenly felt very much worth the £10. Back at Kensington, we realised we had nothing left of the packed lunch and a two
and a half hour drive home ahead of us. We gave Jordan the choice of surrounding eateries, and he chose Kentucky Fried Chicken. To keep the cost down, we bought a meal for the boys only while Steve and I had hot drinks and ate anything they left. We then drove home, with the boys asleep in the back, and a good day was had by all. It was more expensive than we would spend on any other day out but it was a great memory building family day and it was definitely worth it.”
Personal
What the kids said Jordan says: “It was a really enjoyable fun day. The show makes you laugh, sing and cry. It’s for all ages. The tube was exciting and there was lots to see in Covent Garden.” Isaac says: “I liked the taxi. It was warm and we saw lots of lights and people.”
Cost cutters If you’re looking for a cheap day out, Veronica recommends taking your own sweets, and avoiding the pricey ice creams. Drive there and back in a day to save train fares and hotel costs. Veronica parked for free on a street in Kensington. Buying an all day fare when getting on the tube costs only a few pounds more, rather than paying the dearer cost of a taxi. Veronica took a packed lunch rather than pay for lunch out.
Things to get the kids involved in If you’re thinking of something for the kids to do this bank holiday, Trina Fernando, Outreach Worker for Sure Start, the government run programme to give kids the best start in life, suggests: “Find out what interests the child and get involved in doing the activity with them. “That way they feel important and as they have very little say over much of their life, this allows them some choices that are important for them.” Trina says: “It’s good to get children involved in “normal” childhood activities, such as brownies, scouts, and sports teams, so that they get to know other children and are allowed to feel normal.”
http://premasagar.com
Brownies and scouts offer a readymade group of friends for children who want to have fun and work towards specific badges. They usually meet weekly during the school term and have fun adventures throughout the year. Many schools have other clubs outside of school time, such as breakfast clubs before school, after school clubs between 3.30pm and 6pm and holiday play schemes during school holidays from around 8.30am to 6pm. See what the child’s school has on offer that they may like to get involved in. School can also be an easy first step into sports clubs or music groups. See if the child’s school has a sports team they want to get involved in, or if they prefer music, see if they can join the school orchestra. Whatever they choose, Trina 33
Donald Judge
Some activities children can enjoy emphasises that it should be the child’s choice. For younger children, Trina recommends: “Children’s Centres offer stay and play type activities for under five’s that give children the chance to experience new activities and play with other children their age in a safe environment.”
foster families
Summer 2009
Summer-loving makeover madness Say goodbye to the winter as Coral Nafie tells us how to welcome the summer into our homes your house will be transformed in no time. “It’s not necessary to change every room or throw out all the old furniture, but there are lots of ways to lighten up and freshen up your home for a wonderful summer seasonal change. You may even feel like you’ve moved away for the summer.” Choose from Coral’s list for ways to help cool down your house for the summer: 1. Begin with choosing a summer theme, either fruits, flowers, insects, or nautical, and decorate around it. It makes the transformation easier if you have focus. 2. Take a look at the flowers around your home. Get rid of all the brown, leggy ones that are determined to die and bring in fresh new ones. Putting them in the guest room or bedroom, with cheery new flowered bed linens, is a great way to brighten the place up. 3. Get rid of dried logs in the fireplace and instead fill the space with a pot of flowers or an impressive artificial fern. 4. Put wintry, dark wool throws, velvet pillows and dark leather out of sight for the summer and replace
“The greatest change can come by changing colour ”
“Nothing brightens a rooms like adding white ”
Summer 2009 foster families
them with colourful, summery pillows. Try sewing simple slipcovers for the backs or seats of all-wood chairs, and splashing on some fresh bright paint to the back wall of a bookcase. Coral recommends lemon yellow, apple green, or sky blue for a summery look. 5. Nothing helps brighten a room like white. Try adding some white curtains or a painted chair or table. 6. Brighten up dark hallways with a fresh coat of light paint or put up some summery floral pictures. Trim a wall with a simple wallpaper border, or stencil or decoupage floral motifs on drawer or cabinet fronts. If you can’t spend hours decorating and revamping your home, here’s how you can blast the house in an hour: • Put some fresh lemonade or iced tea in a pretty pitcher and tall glasses. Choose a tray that says “fresh.” • Put a fresh, colourful tablecloth on the table • Put bold or pastel candles in the candleholders • Get out the floral or pastel dishes • Cut some fresh flowers for anywhere and everywhere Find Coral Nafie at http://interiordec. about.com.
34
Photo: Amy Humphries
With Easter gone and the kids fully into the summer term, winter should be far from our minds. So why do so many of us have winter lingering in our homes in the form of heavy rugs and dark curtains? Coral Nafie, who has over 20 years experience in interior decorating, suggests some great ways to get your home geared up for the summer, getting the kids involved too. Making a few changes such as hiding wintry items until next winter and bringing in some bright, flowery objects helps lighten up your home without the hassle of redecorating. Coral says: “You’d be surprised how much you can accomplish to bring about your summer makeover in as little as an hour, or less if you plan ahead a bit. More ambitious projects might take longer, but they’ll be worth it. “Start out with a plan. What will you move out or move around? What can be covered, painted, or refreshed? If you’ll need fabrics or fresh plants, get them ready for the ‘makeover day’.” Make sure to have the kids, and anyone else, ready to help out with dusting, moving furniture, and bringing in new items. With the plan of action ready, and as much help as possible,
WIN theBabaSling theBabaSlingT is perfect for getting out and about, leaving your hands free and it’s very comfortable to wear. The 7 natural carrying positions make it ideal from birth and from six months to toddler your child can look out and take in the scenery with you. Available in seven cheery colours and costing only £39.95 makes it the perfect holiday essential whatever the destination. For more information go to www.theBabaSling. co.uk or call 0800 310 1547
Competition closing date is July 31st 2009
For your chance to win this fabulous prize, simply email us at competitions@fosterfamilies. co.uk with the subject line ‘thebabasling’ and include your name, address and phone number.
Home
Even the messiest kids can be kept tidy! Home decorator, Coral Nafie, shows how you can recreate a peaceful haven with the help of the mess-makers
F
eel like Ways to store you’re those everyday always items... tidying up Shelves, after messy bookshelves, children? Tired hooks and of living in a containers on pile of kid’s desks, are easy toys? places to home Coral tells you a lot of things how to get the that a child kids involved uses. To keep in helping things looking turn your neat and orderly, cramped living keep books quarters into neatly arranged, a spacious games in boxes, retreat. or toys hanging Coral says: on pegs on “My main the wall. Open suggestion for shelves can any parents be kept tidy with active by placing children is to smaller items You can keep the child in your care’s room this tidy with a few handy hints have specific into coordinated storage space for every child. If If you have a foster child recently baskets or plastic boxes. there’s a place for everything, at least added to your family, or just need to But some things just cannot be made once in a while everything can find re-arrange a long-term child’s room, to look neat – put these in shallow that place and the home can be neat. it is important to find the right space boxes that slide under the bed, or in “Of course, the ability of the child and items to organise their things to drawers or cupboards where they are to keep his personal space neat make both their life, and yours as a kept out of sight. depends a lot on the age. More can parent, more peaceful and orderly. School bags and hobby supplies can be expected of older children, while Follow Coral’s advice on how to keep easily be hidden behind doors, where younger ones will need more help.” track of the child’s belongings. they remain convenient and ready at
Things to remember… The Fostering Information Line (http://www.fostering.org.uk) reminds carers that some kids aren’t used to having to keep things tidy. Every family has their own set of house rules about how each family member should act, and the young person’s family may have had very Summer 2009 foster families
different house rules to yours. You may have a house rule that teenagers are responsible for keeping their bedrooms tidy, but this might be completely new for the young person, so the best way to help them fit into your routine is to be clear about what house rules 36
you have and show some flexibility when appropriate. Be patient. They will need your help and support, and the advice organisation suggests you start by offering to help them tidy their room so they can learn what is expected of them.
Photos: Ben Corteen, Evan Long
any time. Boxes, files, and storage baskets are an easy way to keep things organised. Cupboards and wardrobes can be used to store everyday things such as clothes, books, school supplies and toys. Place seldom-used items near the back, with items used frequently at the front for easy access. A toy box is great for storing toys. Tidying up, getting things out the way and thrown out… This is great for getting the children involved in the chore of cleaning out their rooms in a fun way. Have the child try on all of their clothes. Children grow so fast that something you got them for a Christmas gift may no longer fit. But there’s no sense keeping something that will never fit again. Don’t forget shoes, socks, underwear, and jackets. Collect outgrown clothing in a bag, make a list, and donate the outgrown items to a charity. Next, put together outfits by coordinating colours and patterns. Help your child make a ‘to buy’ list of items needed in the right colours and shoe sizes. If you have time, why not add more shelving or hanging poles before you put the clothes back? The child can: • Try on clothing. • Make outfits. • Fold and sort clothing by category - shorts, tank tops, white socks, etc. • Replace neat piles onto shelves or bins in the wardrobe. • Help take outgrown clothing to a charity dropoff location. Sorting through the toys… Has the child accumulated a room full of toys and ‘things’ that clutter not only their room but also scatter
themselves throughout the rest of the house? If so, it might be time for a spring clean. Start by getting out all the toys. The children will find this fun. Put everything in the middle of the room and let the children help make piles of what’s old and outgrown. Any unneeded items can be put in a charity bag. The things that they want to keep will have to be sorted and stored carefully. Let the child know where things are to be kept and be sure to label all boxes. Put like items in each box. Keep paints separated from doll clothes, or cars from tea sets. You’ll find that it’s much easier for the child to put things away if everything has a home and is well labelled. If space is lacking, you might want to think about building extra shelving or putting more boxes under the bed, to use every last inch of space to put things in. It’s useful to find areas out of the bedroom to put the outgrown toys and clothes, seasonal sports equipment, and treasured schoolwork or artwork that the child just cannot part with. Areas in a home that work well for out-of-sight storage coud be the attic, under the stairs, in a garage, or in a dry basement. Weather-tight storage containers can help to protect items from moths, mildew, or dust.” The child can: • Select broken toys to toss or fix. • Pick out unused toys to give away. • Locate parts and pieces that belong together and sort them into containers. • Store like items together (games, Lego, doll clothes, and so on).
Try to be sensitive when throwing out things that the child is attached to. This could be a comforting reminder of times with their family. Read more from Coral at http://interiordec.about.com
37
foster families
Summer 2009
What will you be rea
Book Review
Book time
Diana Kimpton recommends her favourite book most helpful reads for carers
Diana Kimpton, who used to foster, has written over 35 children’s books, including the Princess Ellie stories. Diana and her husband Steve now run the children’s book review site www.wordpool.co.uk. Diana says: “Taking someone else’s child into your family can be enormously rewarding. It can also be extremely
hard work. All children who are adopted or fostered have suffered the pain of separation from their birth mum. “Many have also endured neglect, abuse, insecurity, fear and multiple changes of caregiver. These emotional hurts leave scars, which can cause problems ordinary
parenting books don’t cover but which experienced adopters and foster carers know well. “Fortunately it’s possible to benefit from their experience via books and support groups to help you decide which child or children will fit best into your family and to help them settle once they have arrived.”
Here are Diana’s two most favourable books for foster parents: First Steps in Parenting the Child that Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers by Caroline Archer (Jessica Kingsley Publishers) “Caroline Archer is a real adoptive parent speaking from experience so this book provides good, practical advice and encouragement for the mothering figure when things are not following the normal attachment and development patterns. “A major good point is her em-
phasis on looking after yourself - you only need to be ‘a good enough parent - not perfect’.
Its wealth of sensitive information and advice makes it an extremely useful book to read as a preparation for adoption or fostering and to keep on hand to dip into when problems arise. “If you are only starting to consider adopting, you may like to follow the author’s suggestion and skip the section on ‘The Effects and Trauma on Attachment and Development’ on your first reading - it’s quite heavy going and is probably best read after the positive suggestions for overcoming problems which come later in the book. “This readable book is highly recommended for everyone fostering or adopting very young children.”
Summer 2009 foster families
Next Steps in Parenting the Child that Hurts: Tykes and Teens, by Caroline Archer (Jessica Kingsley Publishers) “Caroline Archer is a member of the support group for adopters, Adoption UK, as well as an adoptive parent herself. As a result, this book is geared particularly to the needs of parents coping with difficult adopted or fostered children but it is equally suitable for step parents and others whose children present challenging behaviour. “This clear, sensitive and extremely practical handbook looks at the reasons behind difficult behaviour, especially the effects of early trauma in a child’s life, as well as suggesting strategies for dealing with it. “The issues covered include bedwetting, anger, lying and stealing as well as drug abuse, risk taking and self injury. There is also excellent advice on continuing to parent even when the circumstances mean your child no longer lives at home. “The practical suggestions include ways of looking after yourself and the rest of the family as well as ways to help the child who hurts. There can’t be many other books on parenting that cov38
er sleeping with your purse under your pillow and discuss the problems of visiting your child in prison. “The accompanying cartoon style illustrations aptly depict the hurting child as a hedgehog - prickly on the outside but soft in the middle. “This is a must-have book for adopters and foster carers and is also highly recommended for ordinary parents and step-parents whose children hurt for other reasons. “If you are only in the early stages of considering adopting or fostering, it may open your eyes to issues you have not considered but try not to let its realism put you off unnecessarily. Not all children who have been through the care system have extreme problems, especially if they are given the sensitive support suggested here.”
ding this month? s for kids in care and her two And here are some books for the kids: So Many Babies, by Martina Selway (Red Fox - Random House) ”Mrs Badger didn’t know what to do with all her extra rooms until she read the newspaper. So many babies, she read, needed care and she’d so much to offer, so much to share. She starts with just one baby but one by one more children arrive until she has so many that she needs to build an extension. The delightful rhyming text com-
bines beautifully with the pictures of her growing multi-species family to produce a book full of love, affection and fun, which any child will enjoy. The counting element adds an extra bonus and the whole book is ideal for use with children who are adopted or fostered.” Ages 2-6 and older children with special needs
The Lamb-a-roo, by Diana Kimpton, illustrated by Rosalind Beardshaw (Gullane) ”This book was inspired by my adopted daughter, who desperately wanted blue eyes like the rest of our family (and by the old joke “What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?’). The main character in the story is a lamb who is adopted into a kangaroo family. He’s very happy with them but he’s worried that he doesn’t look like his new Maa. Determined not to be different
anymore, he sets out to learn to jump as high as they can. Meanwhile, his Maa has spotted his worries and tries to look more like the lamb. But neither of them like the changes in the other so they decide that being different is just fine. The illustrations are bright and friendly with wonderful expressions on the characters’ faces that emphasise the emotions in the story.”
Photo: Don Long
Ruby Holler, by Sharon Creech (Bloomsbury) ”Dallas and Florida have lived in the Boxton Creek Home longer than any of the other children and they’ve got a reputation for rule breaking. They’ve also got a reputation for being difficult to place - every foster home they’ve been put in has sent them back. So when an elderly couple invite them to stay at Ruby Holler, they don’t expect it to turn out well.
But they’d reckoned without Tiller and Sairy Morey whose unusual lifestyles, patience and unobtrusive parenting turn out to be just right for Dallas and Florida. This sensitive novel takes a look at fostering from both sides and explores how apparently bad behaviour may not be as unreasonable as it looks.” Ages 10 to adult
39
foster families
Summer 2009
Food and Health
Is she really too fat?! Recognising an eating disorder that the child in your care will not admit to having
A
Summer 2009 foster families
may go through periods of depression, anger, hopelessness and despair. Beat says: “It is important to remember it is the disorder that is taking over, and not the person who is changing.” What is anorexia? People with anorexia have an intense fear of becoming fat, which leads them to starve themselves. Exercise, diet pills and purging are common ways they use to control their weight. Even when very underweight they do not believe they are thin enough. What are the signs? Weight loss, changed eating habits, excessive exercise and withdrawal from a normal social life. They are likely to deny they have a problem and get angry. What is binge eating disorder? People with binge eating disorder compulsively overeat in secret, consuming thousands of calories in a short period of time. Even though they feel guilty and ashamed, they feel unable to control their behaviour or stop eating even when uncomfortably full. What are the signs? This is harder to identify. They may often be on a diet but never lose weight. This is not a lack of will power but a condition that needs expert treatment. 40
Worried about drugs or alcohol? If you think the young person in your care may be using drugs or alcohol, there are people to offer advice and support. Adfam is the leading national organisation working with and for families affected by drugs and alcohol. For information about drugs and alcohol abuse, or a list of support groups, visit www.adfam. org.uk. FRANK provides confidential help and advice about drugs 24 hours a day for young people and their parents and carers, on 0800 77 6600.
Who to go to for help about eating disorders: For more information visit the NCFED website www.eating-disorders.org.uk or call 0845 838 2040. Or call the Beat helpline on 0845 634 1414. Or go to www.helpguide.org
Photos: Sharyn Morrow, Joanne Quirante- Escober, Jesse Michael Nix
longside drugs and smoking, eating disorders are among the highest health concerns of foster carers. More than 1.1 million people are affected by an eating disorder in the UK, with 14-25 year olds being the most at risk. The three most common eating disorders are anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder. Even though food and weight are the common factors, the real problem has nothing to do with food. Mary George, of Beat, a national charity that provides support and advice for people affected by eating disorders, says: “Eating disorders are a way of coping with difficult thoughts and emotions. Often they develop because the sufferer feels it is the only thing in their life they can actually take control of. “Early intervention is crucial. The earlier the diagnosis is made the greater the chance of a full recovery.” The person with an eating disorder
Photo: Jason Pearce
Food and Health
Do
Don’t
- Get help. Get support for the person with the eating disorder and for you, the carer. You cannot take this on by yourself, feelings of helplessness, sympathy, anger, guilt and resentment are all common and you may feel like you are in a battle ground, so professional help is needed to deal with these. - Accept and love them. They are likely to feel unworthy of love - Be honest. Let them know your concerns - Listen to them - Realise their fear of gaining weight - Realise non-food factors are the issue - Agree on behaviour that will and will not be tolerated - Be united in your support as a family, or circle of friends, to prevent the eating disorder splitting a family or friendships
- Talk about food and diets. Don’t leave food lying around like you may have before, remove scales from the bathroom - Accuse or label. Talk about eating disorders in general, don’t pin it on them - Force them to eat or stop exercising, unless they ask for help, it is not your battle - Give up if they refuse help. Denial is part of eating disorders, keep offering support and information about treatment - Keep watching and questioning them. Eating disorders are designed to be secret and yet communicated, don’t encourage deceit by questioning - Let the eating disorder take over. Try to carry on as normal, don’t give unnecessary time to it that may encourage it, and don’t neglect other children that may be overlooked
Shame makes them unable to admit to a problem. What is bulimia? Bulimia is a combination of out-ofcontrol binge eating ‘remedied’ by purging oneself of the extra calories
through vomiting, fasting, exercising and taking laxatives. What are the signs? Awful mood swings, going to the bathroom after meals with the radio on loudly or the bathwater running,
The National Centre for Eating Disorders (NCFED) warns that recovery is a slow process and patience is needed. Relapses are possible, yet therapy can help control these.
using air fresheners to hide revealing smells. You may notice large amounts of food disappear or find a hidden stash or laxatives. They may not lose weight, so if on a diet you may suspect something.
How to approach someone about an eating disorder: This can be daunting, so maybe write down what you might say about your worries and concerns. Find a time when neither of you are angry or upset and when you will not be interrupted. As you explain what you have noticed, be supportive and offer help. Beat, a national charity that provides support and advice for people affected by eating disorders, explains: “Recovery cannot begin in an atmosphere of secrecy or denial and the disorder will not go away by itself, so although talking about it may be difficult, it can often be an essential first step.”
Food and Health
Give the kids the food they ... and you may end up getting what you like like...
It may sound like giving in to a child’s demands but encouraging those kids who only eat what they want, to choose the food for the family could be the way to get them to eat what you want. Joy Neal, of Munchkins Kids Cooking, says: “At Munchkins we get the kids involved in cooking the food. Children are much more likely to eat what they’ve prepared themselves. “A way of encouraging children to eat more is by exposing them to lots more varieties of food. A lot of children say they don’t like something when they’re just two, so the parents give up trying to feed it to them. “But we tell our children you can’t say you don’t like Photo: David Dennis something until you’ve tried it at least 11 times because that’s One taste isn’t enough... the more they try, the more they like how many times it takes for your taste buds to recognise new flavours.” hotdogs if they want. Kristine Bell, Franchise Support for Super Suppers Corporate, They are responsible for setting the table, cooking the food agrees. She says: “Let the children plan a meal each week, (with your help) ... the whole thing. whatever they want. It can be simple things like pancakes or “Knowing they planned it makes the kids excited.”
ASea of Fruit Alexandria Perone
43
Love food? ...love cooking
Food and Health
Rec ipe time
Because kids love being creative why not let them get creative in the kitchen? Easy Pizza... the healthy way
Some sweet somethings
A quick, fun and easy recipe which kids will love. Debra Ward, of recipes-4-food, says: “This is something I have often made together with my own children and can be served with salad or baked beans. “It can be a bit messy, but the children always enjoy preparing it themselves and then eating it. It is also a healthier version of pizza purchased in shops.”
Photos: Robb and Jessie Stankey, Stephanie Vacher
What you will need: Wholemeal or white pitta breads (from any supermarket) Tomato ketchup Ham Sliced cherry tomatoes Sweetcorn Grated cheese Pineapple chunks (Any other toppings which are the child’s favourite)
The toppings can be prepared in advance by an adult and put into small dishes. The children can spread a small amount of tomato ketchup on to the pitta bread base and then top with the fillings of their choice. The finished pitta breads need to be baked in the oven at about 180C for 10-15 minutes.
Joy Neal, of Munchkins Kids Cooking, says: ”Fruit smoothies are a healthy choice that kids can help make. “Children tend to like dipping things so a healthy and fun snack is a fruit kebab. Pieces of fruit on cocktail sticks can be dipped into yoghurt or melted chocolate. “As most fruit can be cut with a knife that isn’t sharp, the children can help prepare and cut the fruit.”
Remember: Children should never be unsupervised when cooking.
er! n r o C Fun Kids
Colouring Fun
See how neatly you can colour this picture in. Summer 2009 foster families
44
Allegations against Foster Carers We are here to help www.fosteringsupport.co.uk Allegations in Foster Care happen to around one in four fostering households; when it happens to you what support will you have? Previously a foster carer herself, Debra Gibbs Baker established Fostering Support Ltd to address the lack of dedicated support for foster families in this terrifying situation. Fostering Services’ (Local Authority and IFS) first priority must be to focus on the welfare of the child, but this often leaves foster carers out in the cold with no-one to talk to and very limited information.
Debra Gibbs Baker - Director Fostering Support Ltd The Old Chapel Stroud Petersfield Hampshire GU32 3PD
From the moment we are contacted we will be alongside, providing • Information and advice • Emotional support • Mediation and • Advocacy Department for Children Schools and Families require Placing Agencies to commission an independent support service provider and many fostering services across the UK have contracted Fostering Support to fulfil this role.
Telephone 01730 231603 Debra and her team will answer your concerns within Mobile 07801 729106 24 hours any day of the week and if appropriate visit e-mail debra.gibbs@fosteringsupport.co.uk you within 3 days. www.fosteringsupport.co.uk To view a selection of the overwhelmingly positive evaluations from service users and for further Established 1999 information visit the website today.
Drama Classes for everyone
Drama XL specialise in drama for all ages. Adults: Make new friends, Have a Laugh, Be serious and gain some more experience! Children: Fun and enjoyment, Build confidence, creative outlet, make new friends! Businesses: Fun and exciting, Team building, Training courses!
Book Now to avoid disappointment! Drama XL 07840029047 info@dramaxl.com www.dramaxl.com
Advice
rs!
tte e l s r e ead
R
Have your say...
What do YOU find hard? Annette Webb, Simply Fostering, is here to answer your questions
Annette Webb
Dear Annette, My son and our foster son have a real clash of personalities. It’s like being in a war zone. How can we get some peace without taking sides? Diana, Herts Well Diana, I recommend you hold a meeting with the young people and try and get them to sort out their differences. I would encourage them to stop fighting as otherwise it will not be a very happy place for either of them, or yourself, to live. As a foster carer you need to stay neutral. If they are unable to get on, encourage them to avoid each other so they are not constantly fighting. Dear Annette, My husband and I are not comfortable with our support worker. We sometimes feel she is too pushy and she makes us feel like inadequate parents. We feel that talking to her about it will make things worse. What can we do? Angela, Northumbria
Have your say!
It might encourage you to know that many people are going through the same thing Caroline. There are a number of things that are important here. How old is Danielle? The length of time she has been smoking and the length of time she has been in your care, plus her legal status are all things to take into account. The longer she has been addicted, the harder it will be for her to break the habit, but there are many ways you can support her. Call the NHS Smoking Helpline on 0800 169 0 169 for more advice. The best thing to do is speak to the child’s social worker, who can then contact the parents and discuss it with them. I’m sorry to hear that Angela. There is nothing less supportive than someone making you feel inadequate. The best advice I can give is to speak to your support worker’s manager and voice your concerns to her. She will then make arrangements that will better suit you.
If you’ve got a letter or a story to share, email it to haveyoursay@fosterfamilies.co.uk
is a unique, web-based service designed and supported by fostering social workers to encourage people to apply to become foster carers. Simply Fostering provides free foster carer enquiries on a daily basis, as well as comprehensive information about fostering and how to become a foster carer. Summer 2009 foster families
46
Visit www.simplyfostering.co.uk for more information and advice.
Photos: Chris Leigh, Valentin Ottone
Annette says: “Nothing is straight forward in social work so there is no real right or wrong answer!”
Dear Annette, Danielle’s parents didn’t mind her smoking but I do. She’s addicted though and sneaks cigarettes from her mum, even after I confiscate hers. How can I put my foot down if her mother is encouraging her? Caroline, Bristol
Test your crossword knowledge with our puzzle below
Fun stuff
Comp
etitio
n
25
Across
Down
3. A type of fitness you might do in a class (8) 7. Noel _________ , Deal or No Deal presenter (7) 8. Wish, hope (5) 9. City known for it’s horse (4) 11. Starsky and Hutch or The Two Ronnies, for example (3) 12. Lewis _______ , Grand Prix winner (8) 13. Charity that works with those separated from their birth families (4) 15. ____ de Janeiro, carnival city (3) 16. Dec’s partner (3) 17. X factor presenter, first name (6) 19. What you might pay on a bus (4) 20. Jamie _______ , making life better (6) 21. _____ Wednesday, the start of lent (3) 22. Marine animal (5) 23. 2007 X factor winner (4) 24. Which Ben knows best? Known for his rice (5) 25. ______ Holmes, married to Tom Cruise (5)
1. Breakfast cereal (8) 2. Friends character (4) 3. ______ Kutcher, Cheaper by the Dozen star (6) 4. The Great North ____ , charity raiser (3) 5. Charity for housing and homelessness (7) 6. X factor judge (5, 6) 8. _______ Yorke, father to Jordan’s child (6) 10. Super model (4, 4) 14. Judy __________, wife to Richard (8) 17. _______ Hayes, Savage Garden singer (6) 18. _______ Women, lunchtime chat show (5) 19. _______ , princess in Shrek (5) 47
Can you find the celebrity?
foster families
Mix the coloured letters in the grid to spell out the surname of a famous couple _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Summer 2009
They couldn’t be in safer hands
For reliable safety and a secure feeling that only parents can provide, we developed the DUO plus. The ISOFIX system anchors the child seat directly to the car offering optimal protection. In addition to this, the seat can be secured using the vehicle’s 3-point seat belt. Our unique ‘Pivot link’ system further reduces the child’s forward movement in the event of an accident. It’s because we take our responsibility for your child’s safety seriously, that so many parents choose BRITAX.
ISOFIX system
Pivot link system
5-point safety harness
anchors the seat directly to the car
increases child’s safety
with one pull adjustment
DUO plus
www.britax.eu